Headbangers Vault - Heavy Metal Videos

Faster Pussycat, "You're So Vain"

2012-02-09T07:22:00.000-08:00

I Betcha Think This Post is About You

THE VIDEO Faster Pussycat, "You're So Vain," Rubaiyat: Elektra's 40th Anniversary, 1990, Elektra

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Yoooooou're so vain / [insert lots of bad scatting and weird mouth noises here] / I betcha think this song is about you, don't you, don't youuuuuu"

THE VERDICT Faster Pussycat covering Carly Simon? Wha-aaaaa-aat? Where does this song come from?

Well allow me to answer that! We can thank an uneven but actually kind of awesome double-album that Elektra put out in honor of the label's 40th anniversary, with bands who were currently on the roster covering classic Elektra hits. (If you're wondering what a rubaiyat is, technically it's a collection of Arabic verse. I think maybe they were trying to play on this being their "ruby" anniversary.)

Anyway, if you don't know Rubaiyat, it's the album responsible for all kinds of random greatness, like the kickass Metallica cover of Queen's "Stone Cold Crazy", and the Gipsy Kings' version of "Hotel California" that everyone knows from The Big Lebowski. And of course, it's what brings us to Faster Pussycat covering Carly Simon -- two great tastes that indeed, taste great together.

There was a lot of drama around this song -- the original Carly Simon version -- about a year ago, as Carly purportedly revealed who it's actually about. Is it Eric Clapton? Jackson Browne? Some random music exec? Who cares! The entire point of this song is that if you think it's about you, you're probably kind of a jerk. I feel like I have a lot of people in my life right now giving off that vibe, which put it in my mind to do this video.

After all, unless you're just here to search for pictures of a young Christina Applegate (which statistically, a lot of you are), you've probably noticed I've been away for a while... four months almost. Just had too much going on to keep up. I kept just barely getting posts up on time, and then one week, I just missed it. And yet, life went on. And on. The good news is, my marriage is awesome. The bad news is, everything else is pretty much sucking.

But as I'm writing this, having just found a month-old email from one of my most devoted readers, I know I miss this blog too much to let it go (and besides, I have to keep identifying which Great White girls look like Kelly Bundy). I mean, it's nearly March -- Power Ballads Month! I don't know that I'll be able to keep up with weekly posts, but I'll do what I can to serve up at least some meager morsels of metal.

Like this gem, which is like a time capsule of what people thought was cool in the early '90s (and what people thought was kitsch). I think in the intervening twenty freakin' years the two have reversed themselves at least once, and now seemingly swung back around, at least from what I can tell by the preponderance of velvet at American Apparel. That said, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous of Taime's fainting couch. I love that kind of useless furniture. (Though I'm not so much with the animal prints these days ... another trend that has definitely come back around.)

Not to sound like Stefon, but this video has it all. Sexy women's shadows. Wildly swinging cameras. Saturated colors, including of course the de rigeur Yves Klein blue. Mannequins dressed as cops. Louis XIV-style portraits. Burlesque dancers. Contortionists. A crap-ton of mirrors. Aging beauty queens. Velvet curtains. A woman who looks just like her poodle (or a poodle who looks just like it's woman, depending how you want to look at it). Sunless tanning. Human furniture. Human furniture? You know, it's that thing of when the members of the band who aren't the lead singer just have to sit through the video. (Sorry, no midgets... so far.)

Oh no wait, behind curtain number six-zillion we do finally find Faster Pussycat actually performing the song instead of just sitting on furniture that looks like it got rejected from Singled Out or left over from like, the original Real World apartment (wow, I'd totally forgotten that they had that guy who looked like Matt Dillon in Singles!). The boys seriously seem to be in some kind of contest as to who can wear the most velvet. I think Brent Muscat is winning with the red suit.

Okay, but then the video ends with the roles being reversed -- now the members of Faster Pussycat are playing in the little areas behind the curtains, and a bunch of model-types are posing and preening on the rotating furniture (completely ignoring the band, though I suppose that's the point). But for real -- they finally let the guys play, and then they just throw tons of other stuff in front of them. Oh wait, now everyone's singing. And everyone's there at once, too. I guess New York's hottest club is the "You're So Vain" video.

L.A. Guns, "The Ballad of Jayne"

2011-10-13T07:18:00.000-07:00

What a Shame...

THE VIDEO L.A. Guns, "The Ballad of Jayne," Cocked & Loaded, 1989, Polydor

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SAMPLE LYRIC "Now it all seems funny / kinda lahk a dream / things ain't always what they seem / what a shayyyy-ayyyy-aaaaaame / what happened to Jay-ayne"

THE VERDICT What is it about metal bands and ill-fated blondes? Actually, I guess I shouldn't ask what it is about metal bands. I mean sure, there are metal songs about everyone from Marilyn Monroe to Edie Sedgwick. But it's more of an American phenomenon. We're sort of obsessed. Still, these gals seem to have a real hold on metal bands. I don't know much about them, but my guess is that given metal's previous track record, Steel Panther are currently working on a song about Anna Nicole Smith (and be forewarned, that last link is way more depressing than titillating).

But of course you know L.A. Guns aren't going to say the umpteenth goodbye to Norma Jean. Instead, they go with Jayne Mansfield, who was sort of the Anna Nicole Smith of her day. I had never heard of her until I was in high school, when I checked out a book from the public library called The Encyclopedia of Bad Taste. If I am remembering correctly, Jayne had her own entry, but if not, she was definitely mentioned in the section on death cars. (I also remember this book as the first place I encountered the idea of "dancing water.")

Does the video reference Jayne Mansfield at all? Weirdly no. We just get a couple of shots of a fairly generic-looking brunette walking around. But oh the place she's walking around! L.A. Guns have rented themselves the grounds of some ridiculous mansion (I'm bummed I've been unable to track down the exact location). They aren't anywhere near a house, but that doesn't mean they don't have a gazebo with a stained-glass roof, tons of stone lions and other various statuary, assorted topiaries, and a ginormous swimming pool with a tiled bottom. I should also mention that all of it is wrapped in enormous swags of red fabric.

Oh yeah, and let's not forget the strings! You know a metal band is getting down to business when strings get involved. You'd think this would be a case where it's like, Guns N' Roses made it safe for everyone else, but this video pre-dates the Use Your Illusion albums and videos. Maybe Whitesnake made violins safe for metal.

Anyway, they've got a good half-dozen or so super old white guys playing the strings on one side of the pool. Most notable is the one with the huuuuuge muttonchop sideburns and the handlebar moustache. Not sure what his deal is, but he's all over this video -- he's in it way more than the foxy brunette, and probably than Mick Cripps too.

Aesthetically though this video is such a sign of things to come, with the super-saturated, high-contrast colors. I've lately gotten really into the Instagram app, and this video reminds me of that -- it's like they shot whole segments with the "Lomo-fi" filter. (Okay, really, they probably shot it with whatever lomo-fi is meant to imitate.) But really, it's impressive that this video is still technically in the 80s, 'cause this is kind of where everyone's heading. Maybe the L.A. Guns made Yves Klein blue safe for everyone!

Okay, but let's talk about the other aesthetic elements of this video. L.A. Guns look less badass here than they do in their other videos, but they still bring it, especially my fave Kelly Nickels. The little black leather gloves and mirrored glasses are really working with his sassy bass moves.

Phil Lewis is commendable in this video too though. He doesn't often look good (e.g., when he's wearing the weird kimono-type top), but when he does look good, he looks very, very good. Yes, you know what I'm talking about. When he's all shirtless with the roses. This is a look I can get behind! Unlike yes, the beginning of the video, where he's stuck partway between the Mad Hatter as played by Tom Petty and ~~Kate Hudson's ex~~ Black Crowes' lead singer Chris Robinson.

Steve Riley, of course, not so much. I really like that his bass drum just says "Steve Riley." He's not that famous of a drummer. It's more that it feels like he's too temporary to get an actual L.A. Guns logo on his bass. Also, he apparently got the memo that everyone was supposed to dress in red, black, or denim, but decided that a red cowboy shirt was the right way to go. Oh Steve.

This is a weird song, in that it's a little bit of a snoozefest, but at the same time it's an exceptional vocal from Phil Lewis. And the harmonies they do, especially in the final verse, are gorgeous. Phil seems like he's really into it in the video too, leaning on Tracii and really belting it out. I know, I know, a bunch of other times he's just sitting around in a stupid hat staring at falling rose petals. But the other times guys, the other times!

So why'd I pick this video for this week? Well, it's gonna sound kind of morbid, but I just can't shake Jani Lane from my mind, and it's not much of a stretch to change this song into "The Ballad of Jani." Yeah, he was older than me, but he was just so... not old. And unlike say, Kevin DuBrow, he didn't have an extensive resume of substance abuse. Or at least, no more than your average rock n roller.

I just keep thinking about it. It's cliche to say Jani's death makes me reflect on and appreciate life more (a lot of other stuff has gone on much close to me this year that has made me think about that). But still, it's kind of true -- it just feels like such a waste. I mean we're talking about the man who wrote "Cherry Pie"! We're just not about to get another "Cherry Pie." Everyone else is freaking out about Steve Jobs, and don't get me wrong, I love my iMac, numerous iPods, and iPhone... but I mean come on you guys, it's Cherry effing Pie!

Dokken, "The Hunter"

2011-10-06T06:40:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to Me!

THE VIDEO Dokken, "The Hunter," Under Lock and Key, 1985, Elektra

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "I'm a hunterrrrrr / searchin' for love / on these lonely streets / uh-gaaaaaaaaaaaiiiin"

THE VERDICT Well, this is the closest Thursday to my birthday this year, so for my 31st I'm giving myself -- finally -- this long-delayed video, for what may well be my all-time favorite metal song. Yeah, I said it. I'm not 100% sure, but I'm close. And regardless, as we'll see in a minute, it contains my favorite moment in the history of heavy metal videos.

Why did I take so long to get around to "The Hunter"? Well one, I was saving it for a special occasion. But two, when I first started this blog, I did sooo much Dokken. It was kind of a Dokken overdose. I can't help it, I love them. But in any event, my overindulgence circa 2004-5 meant that once I got more serious about blogging, I had to really mete out my servings of Dokken, making them fewer and further between so that I could get to other bands (and I know, I still have plenty I haven't even gotten to yet!). But when it came to this year's birthday post, I decided it was time.

This video is one of my favorites. It's just unbelievably stylish, with all the detail shots of their clothes and of the guys hanging out. It is the best use of the Kim Anderson effect of any metal video I would say -- and yes, faithful readers will remember that by "Kim Anderson effect" I mean not the rock video girl from "Girlschool" but the whole taking-a-black-and-white-image-and-just-coloring-in-some-parts-of-it thing like in the other Kim Anderson's cheesy photos. It's in a zillion videos, but "The Hunter" is like a master class in it, especially when they do the little sort of stop-motion sequences of photos like the meet the band sequence at the beginning.

Though most of the video is the stop-motion-y Kim Anderson effect stuff, which is basically the band playing in some kind of rehearsal space, the rest of "The Hunter" involves giving each member of Dokken his own plot. This is always a good video strategy for bands whose members don't get along, as they don't have to spend too much time on set together. The "plot" parts of the video are filmed in color, so they're visually very separate from the other stuff. Oh right, except for Mick's, which for some reason is in grainy black and white. He always gets the short end of the stick in Dokken videos.

George Lynch and Don Dokken get pretty similar plots, which is fitting -- they're always on the same wavelength I feel like, just not with each other. But we follow George as he drives a red sportscar (I want to say a Ferrari) around a city at night (probably L.A.), and Don as he rides a motorcycle in the city during the day and then in the desert. I know this is mean, but seriously, Don should not have picked a plot that was going to blow his hair around so much. It's like when Shawn Michaels wrestles and his ponytail gets out of whack and suddenly you realize he's actually pretty bald.

I should just get this out of my system now -- oh my dear lord does George Lynch look hotttttt in this video. I can't even deal. Pre-body building, pre-tattoos, long hair... I am swooning right now. He has that like perfect lanky build, and he's rocking the loose tank top and leather pants look to the hilt. When he does things like lie down on his side and prop his head up on one elbow, seriously guys, it's almost too much.

Don on the other hand, well, we all know as a Lynch partisan, I'm not very interested in Don. He has stubble in this video, which is a bit of a departure for him since he usually looks very cleaned up (and besides, if you had time to put on eyeliner, you had time to shave). I will give him props though on the loose, Miami Vice-style blazer during the performance scenes. That's a good look.

Mick Brown has the sort of least-involved plot -- it's basically just him hanging out at a dive bar. Though I know George and Don are driving around "on the lonely streets, uh-gaaaaaiiinnnn", I feel like Mick is the one who seems the most like he's "searchin' for love." I don't know if he'll find it in places like this, but hopefully whatever he does find is treatable. Also, following Mick shows us that we are indeed in LA -- most of the signs for bars and stuff are hard to read, but at one point a bus rolls by with a KBIG FM 104 ad on its side. If that weren't enough evidence, he strolls down the Hollywood Walk of Fame too.

Jeff Pilson has the most involved plot by far. It also comes the closest to involving hunting of any sort. Jeff is for some reason caged, then released into the woods to be chased by a large crowd of burly, bearded, flannel-shirt wearing men with torches and baseball bats. And dogs. And dogs. Mmmmmm-kayyyyy. Jeff actually has to get his leather pants dirty, running through a stream and stuff to try to evade them.

But here's where this gets even weirder (and more topical) -- in one shot, we see that the little wooden crate they have him locked in has "PMRC" written on it. Unabbreviated, that's the Parents Music Resource Center. Doesn't this mean he should've been being chased through the woods by like, a bunch of senators and Tipper Gore, rather than a bunch of lumberjacks? One would think so. It's an odd touch, and the one time where Dokken try to make any kind of political point or express any type of stance on topics other than like, relationships, in any of their videos.

Almost every part of this video is just gorgeous. They actually get pretty creative with a lot of the shots, really doing a nice job of framing the band in visually appealing ways (and no, I don't just mean by showing plenty of George!). In fact, this video doesn't actually show that much George. During the solo, instead of a photo montage of him, we see a photo montage of his guitars. And his plot sequence is mostly just the top of his head from the back.

But let us not forget -- dant-da-da-da! -- my all-time favorite moment in the history of heavy metal videos. It's such a little thing, but yep, its about a minute and a half in, when Don sings "but then it comes to me!", George hits a big guitar note, and Jeff Pilson does this totally badass rockstar jump. One minute he's just playing, the next minute he leaps in place, before you know it, he's landed. It's so small, but it's so visually striking, and punctuates that point in the song perfectly. Bravo, Jeff. That's the perfect gift for me.

Tesla, "What You Give"

2011-09-29T06:16:00.000-07:00

Dead Dogs and Warehouses

THE VIDEO Tesla, "What You Give," Psychotic Supper, 1991, Geffen

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SAMPLE LYRIC "It's not what you got / it's what you give / it's not the life you choose / it's the one you live"

THE VERDICT Okay, so I know that very little happens in this video. It's pretty much just Tesla playing the song in what appears to be the Blair Witch's house. In the whole beginning part when Jeff Keith is kind of by himself in another area, sort of half in shadow and tangled up in wires, I keep expecting he's going to come into the main room and see Brian Wheat just standing there facing into the corner. Jeff does have his eyes closed until like, halfway into this video, so maybe he's scared.

Seriously, what is it about these sort of unfinished spaces -- whether warehouses or barns -- that metal video directors decided telegraphs a certain kind of authenticity? And I mean, are Tesla the kind of band that even needs to bother with that? I mean no one looks at Troy Luccketta and is like "That guy's trying too hard. What a poseur."

I don't know, maybe they were trying to counterbalance Frank Hannon's elaborately crocheted sweater. (Yes, my other hobby -- approximately as non-metal as you can get -- is crochet.) I kind of think that Jeff is rocking the denim-vest-over-leather-jacket look does enough of that, but whatever.

Anyway, this week the video's not really what I want to talk about (and nooo, for once I don't want to tell a long anecdote about myself either!). I actually want to talk about this song, which I freaking love. Well, I halfway do. I love the verse, and hate the chorus, which is actually pretty common for me. In the case of "What You Give," it's just that it goes way too Hallmark with all the rhyming.

But I think the bigger offense is just repetition -- jeepers jolly, they repeat the chorus just ad nauseam toward the end of the song, in an increasingly frantic way. About the only song that I enjoy this in is "Cherry Pie." Here though, if sheer repetitiveness hasn't already worn you down, the part where Tommy Skeoch screams it in a guttural voice will. Ew. It's like cheese squared.

But the rest of the song! Oh the rest of the song. It's the kind of thing I want to doodle in ballpoint pen in the margins of every notebook I own! "I feel so lonely and I know I'm not the only one / to carry on this way. I love you so much I lose track of time! / Lose track of the days." I mean this is what you want love to be like, people. Okay, maybe not the loneliness part. But no, I don't think it's like, an existential loneliness song. It's more of a temporarily-apart-via-circumstances-somewhat-beyond-our-control song.

And then when they reprise the beginning, and turn it into the second person -- "You're the one, that makes me happy / oh yeah bay-bee! / you're the one always on my mind" etc. I. Can't. Even. Deal. "Why can't forever be, forever and nothin' more?" That is exactly the kind of lyrical nothing -- a sort of vague profundity that doesn't really make a whole lot of sense -- that instantly makes me feel seventeen again in like, the best way possible.

And yet. And yet. It turns out the whole dang song is about a dog! Sigh. For real Tesla? Yes, for real. Or at least, according to Jeff in the little intro to "What You Give" on Time's Makin' Changes.

Now don't get me wrong. I love dogs. I have a dog. She's eight. She is very giving, though I would also say she takes quite a bit too. I just... I don't want this song to be about a dog. Now Guns N Roses' "Used to Love Her," that's a song that well, I'm not stoked it's purportedly about a dog, but I guess that's better than it being totally misogynistic.

I guess this is one of those times where I don't want to know what the song's really about, and just want to have my own interpretation of it. Weirdly, way back in the day this was one of the most common arguments made against music videos -- that seeing a specific visual would supercede whatever the listener just related the music to on their own, in their head.

I don't think I really get this with videos -- since at least they're related to the songs -- but I will say, having a song be prominently featured in a movie, a commercial, or (the ultimate personal-association-killer) a commercial for a movie really does it. But has it ever done it for a metal song for me? Hmm, I'm gonna have to think about this one. I think Tesla are safe though, at least from that fate.

P.S.: I know it's a stretch, but I was going for a Freaks and Geeks reference.

Bon Jovi, "Livin' on a Prayer"

2011-09-22T06:22:00.000-07:00

Are We Halfway There Yet?

THE VIDEO Bon Jovi, "Livin' on a Prayer," Slippery When Wet, 1986, Mercury

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SAMPLE LYRIC "Whooooooooa! / We're halfway they-ere! / Whooooooooa-ohhhh! / Livin' on a pray-air!"

THE VERDICT Now those in the know usually give credit to the chart success of Quiet Riot's Metal Health for breaking metal with a mainstream audience. But I would estimate that a great many more claim Slippery When Wet as metal's watershed moment with the broader U.S. audience. Why choose JBJ over QR? Well, let's face it, Kevin DuBrow (RIP) was never a contender versus Jon Bon Jovi in the looks department. (That said, I'd take Carlos Cavazo over Richie Sambora any day.) So that's probably part of it.

But what else is it? Well, "Livin' on a Prayer" gives us some ideas. For one, there's the song itself. They've brought in a serious hitman, Desmond Child, who I've ruminated about at length already. Suffice to say that yes, you do usually get what you pay for in the super-producer department. But two, with this tale of Tommy and Gina, Bon Jovi take a page directly from fellow Jerseyite (Jerseyan?) The Boss, and we already know it's a page that works. Stories about down on their luck (it's tough) New Jerseyers are gold, nay, platinum even.

Now for Bruce Springsteen, who I absolutely freakin' love, the stories are usually enough on their own. I mean, don't even get me started on "The River." That song makes me cry my eyes out just thinking about it. It is so, so good, and so, so sad. I remember in high school I was on this long college road trip with my mom, and we'd been listening to The Boss' greatest hits CD on repeat. I kept skipping "The River" every time it came up, 'cause it made me cry. But finally she was like, "Don't skip it, I really like this song, it's not a big deal. The people in the song aren't even real."

So I read the liner notes in the little CD book, where he kind of told the story of each song, and found out the song was about his brother-in-law and sister. Oh man, I cried harder than ever. Suffice to say I did not get into the next college I interviewed at, with my red, watery eyes and puffy face. They probably thought I was suffering from some kind of intense college application stress or something (when in reality I didn't really care at all, it's just that "The River" is really sad!).

Anyway. As Jon has revealed to people's (bizarre) surprise, Tommy and Gina are not real people. Doesn't really matter here though. All we care about is that they're gonna make it, and they've got loads of keyboards and a talk box (which I think of as a Peter Frampton Machine) to help them along.

Even more than the song though, I think it's this video (and the constant airplay it received) that just exploded Bon Jovi all over the place. I mean, it's not like they hadn't made albums (and videos) before this. But it's with this one that all the elements that will make up many future Bon Jovi videos -- and many other metal videos -- fall into place.

One, there's the guys themselves. Most of the video is sort of "behind the scenes" footage as they set up, and we see them as fun, goofy, friendly guys. David Bryan plays Alec John Such's guitar, JBJ and Richie constantly mug at each other, only Tico Torres is kind of relegated to the background.

Two, Jon has really solidified his look with this video, and it's about to get copied all over the place. I think the element that's here now, and was really missing in their previous videos, is his long leather duster jacket, with all the medallions and fringe and stuff. Suddenly, these things (which seem like they'd be kind of hot temperature-wise and awkward to wear) become metal must-haves.

But the other thing that's interesting is the extent to which Bon Jovi have changed their look to transform themselves into the (long-haired) boys next door. As pretty as Jon is, they aren't a very glam-looking band. Jon's coat aside, they are actually wearing pretty normal guy clothes for the time -- concert tees and fitted jeans. They're much less colorful looking than they were in say, "In and Out of Love." So it's a weird paradox -- while on the one hand, their sound is as pop and commercial as can be, they're actually among the first of the more glam or lyrical groups to really tone down their wardrobes. If I had to guess whether this helped their popularity with the non-metal U.S. audience I'd have to say um yeah, it did.

The other thing they've really done in this video is seriously upped their production values. I don't know what it is about slightly blue-tinted black and white, but it takes everything from looking like it was being shot on the cheap to looking like it's all part of some insanely gorgeous documentary. Slow down the footage just ever-so-slightly for bonus points.

Unlike all the serious black-and-white in like, "Wanted Dead or Alive" though, here it's all fun. Particularly because Jon, Alec, and I'm assuming Richie too are strapped into harnesses allowing them to fly out over the audience. This makes room for even more shots of them goofing around, as they try out the harnesses and joke with the technicians who are strapping them in.

And then, of course, we get the big punch at the end -- when with the biggest "WHOA!", suddenly we're in color and there's a live, very sweaty audience. We might also notice that it's a very male audience. Why? See, even though they might be threatening everyone's manliness with all those power ballads, by toning down the colorful clothes and makeup, it's still all good. You can be a hetero dude and listen to "Never Say Goodbye." In this sense, I think Bon Jovi hit upon a magic formula several beats before a lot of other really big bands did (though eventually they would become almost notorious for having a heavily female audience, because of course you know that's a bad thing).

Okay anyway, before I get all into deconstructing the gender dynamics of heavy metal's listenership (as someone who regularly gets asked things like whether I'm buying that Slayer button for my boyfriend, I could do this all day), why this video now? Well, 'cause school's starting today for me, and I'm feeling more than a little bit beaten down. This is a big year for me, academic-career-wise, and I need a little boost. And if Jon and the boys screaming "Whooa-ohhhh!" in ever-higher registers is what does it for me right now, so be it.

Also wait, whoa, ("Whooa-ohhhh!" even) -- I just realized something. This is my 150th post. (It's only my 149th video though, thanks to my double-dipping on "Estranged.") Still though, dang, that's a lot of videos! And there's still so many more to go. I guess I'm gonna be livin' on a pray-air in more ways than one.

Enuff Z'nuff, "Fly High Michelle"

2011-09-15T06:02:00.000-07:00

Haters Wanna Hate

THE VIDEO Enuff Z'nuff, "Fly High Michelle," Enuff Z'nuff, 1989, Atlantic

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Why'd you have to give it up? / (Fly high Michelle) / Well you was just a little girl / (Fly high Michelle) / I'll never look into your blue eyes / (Fly high Michelle)"

THE VERDICT Okay people, I'm warning you now: I'm mad stressed out this week what with school starting again and all, and so I have seriously poured myself like a Big Gulp of haterade for this one (and I'm using my SummerSlam Slurpee straws!). Enuff Z'nuff fans, back away from your computers (or just look at the pretty pictures. Ooh, rainbows!).

So the faithful reader who suggested this is right that the "cutting edge graphics of rainbows, doves and lightning" in this video "should never go ignored." In fact, as you watch this video they are pretty much impossible to ignore -- you can barely see the dang band! There are rainbows, doves, balloons, and clouds flying around everywhere. It's like a Lisa Frank notebook exploded. Or like they designed it based on the Trapper Keeper I got circa 1986 (mine is the one in the bottom left of that pic).

I know. It's a sad song. I shouldn't be making fun of a song that Donnie Vie actually wrote about a friend's suicide. But I'm sorry, it's just an awful, drippy, monotonous song, and all the CGI rainbows in the world can't change that. If you want to listen to a metal song about suicide, just go straight to "Don't Close Your Eyes." If you want to listen to a metal song about someone named Michelle, why not "My Michelle"? I mean jeepers jolly, Enuff Z'nuff are just not a very good band.

Now I know plenty of people out there will disagree with me. Allmusic, for example, describe Poison and Warrant as "disposable" but Enuff Z'nuff as merely "mispackaged power pop." They act like the entire mainstream of metal was the sort of weird aberration (referring to it as the "ill-fated hair-metal craze"), and like Enuff Z'nuff are somehow on the level of Cheap Trick. Uh no. And I don't even mean Cheap Trick circa 1988. (Come on, you remember "The Flame"!) We won't even go near "Dream Police."

There are soo many bands that got "mispackaged" as metal at the time, basically due to the musicians being white, male, and having hair that was longer than chin-length. And yes, there are some where the level of "mispackaging" is debatable, and the talent is definitely not (Tesla are the perfect example of this). Others though are just terrible bands, and I'm sorry, but Enuff Z'nuff is one of them.

Who else is in this club? Okay, well Nelson spring to mind instantaneously. Even if they put "(Can't Live Without Your) Love and Affection" on the second Metal Mania Stripped... and even if it is a pretty solid pop song... and even if Stephanie Seymour dumped one of them for Axl (I can't remember which one -- I think Matt), Nelson are just not metal.

Or what about Bad English? Put on leather jackets and tease up your hair all you want John Waite, you're still the dude who's most known for "Missing You." (You know, "I ain't missing you at all!") And I mean, Neal Schon? Journey have some great songs, but Journey ain't metal. Long story short, I know I like some cheesy stuff, but "When I See You Smile" makes me want to projectile vomit.

Another prime suspect: I don't care if Billy Sheehan's the bassist. Mr. Big are a brutally awful band, and another perfect example of a "lumped in" or "mispackaged" or whatever you want to call it situation. Actually, if I could guess what band Mr. Big most wanted to be, I'd have to guess Tesla (I mean "Green-Tinted Sixties Mind"?). Instead though, they are whining about waiting in line to be with a girl. It's not even sloppy seconds here, it's like filthy fifths! Ew! And I'm sorry, but lines like "build up your confidence, so you can be on top for once" are basically just guaranteed panty-droppers for girls with low self-esteem. (Sorry, I warned you I was in a dark mood!)

Oh my gosh, I got so into this rant I totally forgot about the video. It's weird too, because I generally hate arguments about what "is" and "isn't" metal, 'cause overall, in case you haven't noticed, I'm pretty inclusive. I'll go glam, I'll do thrash, I like lyrical, I like speed. But yeah, I guess what I hate is bad, guitar-based pop by long-haired guys that confuses people into thinking it's metal.

Long story short, I freakin' hate Extreme. (That should get me some hate mail. But seriously, one of my greatest fears is that I'll be trapped in a confined space and "Hole Hearted" will be playing on repeat. If I were like, in one of those Saw movies, that would be the thing that happened to me. I'd destroy myself trying to escape Gary Cherone!)

Okay, video, video, video. Basically, we are in a rainy, computer-generated sort-of New York City (there does appear to be something like the Empire State building and the Chrysler building, but no WTC). Everything is in black and white until Donnie Vie drops his goofy John Lennon glasses, which suddenly begin sprouting rainbows.

Though we see the band getting onto a tour bus, next thing we know they're playing the song on a cloud. And naturally, a model-type girl with straight blond hair and a neon green dress is picking up the glasses and putting them on. That's when things start getting really nuts. Rainbows are shooting every which way, the same dove keeps flying across the frame, and the clouds are genuinely obscuring what's going on. Yeah, we get close-ups of Donnie's face, and Chip Z'nuff impersonating Like a Virgin-era Madonna, but that's about it.

Oh wait, until all the balloons. Somehow, the girl with the glasses gets hold of a bunch of balloons, and they take her up into the sky above the city. Balloons start flying freakin' everywhere! The girl floats past the band's cloud, and Donnie tries to grab her, but she just keeps going. This makes things get a bit darker, and lightning starts shooting all over the place. And how did I forget to mention the giant full moon that is in the background of virtually every shot? Guess I'm just being lazy.

Okay. So I know I made like, the same points I made last time I talked about Enuff Z'nuff. But I think that's 'cause sometimes enough is enough! And after that gigundo "November Rain" post, I'm still a bit spent. I'll be back in the swing of things soon enough though, just you wait.

P.S.: When I'm in this kind of mood, even though I'm a chick, you should probably read the whole post to yourself in the voice of Carl from ATHF.

Twisted Sister feat. Alice Cooper, "Be Chrool to Your Scuel"

2011-09-08T06:23:00.000-07:00

Schoolday of the Dead

THE VIDEO Twisted Sister featuring Alice Cooper, "Be Chrool to Your Scuel", Come Out and Play, 1985, Atlantic

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Be cruel to your schoo-ool! / 'Cause you may never get another! / Be cruel to your schoo-ool! / In the name of rock n' roll!"

THE VERDICT Never seen this one before? Not too surprising -- MTV rejected it as too offensive at the time, Vh-1 Classic doesn't even air it now, and even Twisted Sister themselves have more or less buried it. It's pretty much their Heaven's Gate. What with all the celeb guests -- Alice Cooper, obviously, as well as Bobcat Goldthwait; but behind the scenes you've purportedly got Brian Setzer, Clarence Clemons, and most bizarrely, Billy Joel -- clearly this production cost a ton. We've moved beyond just like, people who are only famous for being in Animal House (though I know, Niedermeyer goes on to be the Maestro in Seinfeld. But that comes later).

I think they pretty much blew their Stay Hungry money on this one. And as the opening of this video pointedly reminds us, Dee Snider was feeling pretty self-righteous about censorship as it was, having somewhat inadvertently having become the face (and voice) of heavy metal during the Parents Music Resource Center hearings (no one else from the world of metal really showed up to testify).

It's no wonder that after working up this whole song and video only to have MTV pretty much kill it, they decided to shelve the whole thing. You also have to imagine that all the non-Dee Snider members of Twisted Sister weren't that into it anyway, as they barely figure in the video to begin with. All they really get to do is open lockers and peek inside.

Anyway, the video begins with two quotes, both from the September 28, 1985 U.S. Senate Hearings on Rock Lyrics. First, from Dee: "Our videos are simply meant to be cartoons with human actors." Second, from Senator Ernest Hollings (D-SC, but really that D is in the old-line, Strom Thurmond southern Democrat sense): "It's just outrageous filth."

I have to say, I do appreciate that at least at some point, something cool got discussed during one of these things. When I was in college, I had a work-study job at the library, and I worked in the government documents collection. OMG, does the U.S. government pump out a lot of paper. I spent a lot of time shelving the Congressional Record, so I'm glad that at least in 1985 it might have included some of this.

Then we get a lengthy vignette featuring Bobcat Goldthwait as a frantic high school teacher. Yeah, I kind of relate to this sequence. Sometimes when I'm teaching, I will just kind of go out of body for a second and be like, "Wait, does what I'm saying make sense at all? Or am I just saying completely random things?" I mean, the answers are always yes, and then no, but it's kind of like how sometimes you'll be driving your car, and suddenly you'll have a moment where you're like oh, whoa, I'm driving right now, almost as if you somehow forgot you were driving? I know, I'm making you fear for the educational future of your children or whatnot right now. But really, if you're reading this, you should probably already be worried about your kids, heh heh.

Anyway, the bell rings, and we get the usual teacher-gets-jostled-about-in-the-crowd-of-students shot. Does this ever really happen, outside of heavy metal videos and charismatic-teacher/principal-turns-around-a-troubled-school movies? I don't remember ever being in such a hurry to leave class that I needed to like, trample somebody.

Fade to Bob quickly regaining his composure in an incredibly spacious teacher's lounge, with giant windows and ample seating. He grabs his Walkman from a cubby and settles into a couch beside another teacher who's also listening to headphones. The first teacher asks him what he's listening to, and Bob responds by yelling "TWISTED SISTER!" right into the guy's face. The other teacher plugs his headphones into Bob's giant Walkman so he can listen too, and suddenly -- two full freakin' minutes in --

Bob opens his eyes -- and transforms into Dee Snider. And the other teacher opens his eyes -- and transforms into Alice Cooper! There's spooky blue lighting, and dry ice fog, and naturally the other teachers have become Mark Mendoza, Jay Jay French, etc.

I also enjoy how everyone demonstrates their transformation by looking at their palms in astonishment. Is that what one does when one wakes up as someone else? At least in Big and 17 Again and The Hot Chick and stuff like that, people react by looking in mirrors and completely freaking out and screaming a lot and stuff. But I think they decided (rightly) that this video was long enough.

Dee and Alice head into the hall and yup, the students are zombies. This is like the one heavy metal video about school that doesn't use some kind of A Clockwork Orange-type scenario, but zombies give you the same idea I suppose -- less the idea that education is force-fed, but still the same idea that it is somehow mindless.

Despite the fact that Dee and Alice just push past the zombies, who seem totally harmless and uninterested in eating their brains, it's clearly the zombie footage that got this video nixed. Probably the grossest thing in it is the zombies making out scene, which involves one zombie sort of trying to pull the other zombie's jaw off -- yup, it looks like when David Coverdale and Tawny Kitaen make out, only with rotting flesh. But on the plus, it reminds me of one of my favorite scenes in the best-show-you-haven't-watched, Bob's Burgers -- Tina's zombie dream. Seriously, I love everything Jon Benjamin does so much. But also, my husband and I are pretty sure if we ever had a kid, she'd turn out just like Tina.

Actually, it's not just the making out. A lot of disgusting stuff happens in this video. A student leaves an apple on teacher Dee's desk, and his hand and forearm get left along with it. Then again, I feel like worse stuff (and with much more realistic special effects) happens in "Thriller." I mean when that one corpse has all that green stuff come out of its mouth? Gee-ross. Okay, but then Dee acts like he's going to eat the arm, so. Michael Jackson did a lot of weird stuff, but cannibalism (or would this be like, necrophagy or something?) wasn't among it.

The cafeteria scene is oddly reminiscent of "Hot for Teacher," with the band playing on a raised platform in one corner. But why is the lunch lady serving the zombies rubber rats? Shouldn't she be serving them brains? Or at least cold spaghetti noodles and peeled grapes? (Come on, you never did that when you were a kid? "These were his eyes!")

Okay, actually I think the grossest scene in this video is -- well I'm not sure what's happening. At first it seems like it's the school nurse, but then you see other kids watching, so maybe it's some kind of bio class. But a zombie teacher is decapitating one zombie student, and then a student in the classroom imitates this by ripping open his own neck and going for what's in there. Yeah, it's early in the morning as I write this and that's making me feel a little queasy. Tracheotomies freak me out.

Suddenly Alice is dressed as a doctor too, and he shines his little light in one student's ear and has it come out the other. WTF is going on in this video?! Annnnd now he's got a scalpel out. Sorry Dee, but this is no Wile E. Coyote-style giant Acme anvil. You're getting a little too gruesome with this one. Though to his credit, he does use a fire extinguisher on the home ec teacher whose hands are on fire. But now Dee's biting people again. Is he the only real zombie here?

There's a sequence with a zombie band playing that's pretty straightforward, and I assume is covering for the fact that aside from Alice, they couldn't actually get any of their guest musicians to appear in the video. Hence a zombie stand-in for Clarence Clemons, etc. Apparently this is where the bar was for him (RIP): He'd be in a Lady GaGa video, but not this.

As the zombie students crowd into the auditorium, Twisted Sister quickly run to replace the zombie band. Speaking of zombies, have I mentioned yet that Alice Cooper looks freakin' exhausted in this video? You can tell the whole time that Dee is so into it, but Alice looks like he's barely even going through the motions.

Anyway, the whole zombie crew pours through the halls, and we get a quick meet-the-band sequence actually showing the non-Dee members of Twisted Sister -- hey, remember them? Then we're back in the now normally-lit teachers' lounge with Bob, who's waking up. Wait, was it all just a dream? He puts his Walkman back in his cubby and heads out into the hall -- where he is instantly smothered with zombie hands. Dunt-dunt-DAH!

I think this video's biggest downfall might not even be the video -- it's the song. Now I know I'm no big Twisted Sister fan, but among their singles I think this is actually the weakest. It's clear they love mining the look, feel, and sound of the 50s/pre-Beatles 60s (I mean remember what the other big single from this album was?). But this bizarre homage to the Beach Boys' "Be True to Your School" just doesn't work. In that sense though, it's kind of like me -- it's back to school time, but for some reason I just can't get back to work!

P.S.: Oh my gosh, even in this already super-long post, I can't believe I forgot the one salient successful element of this video -- it was one of the first things Luke Perry was cast in, and Twisted Sister are at times credited with having 'discovered' the future Dylan McKay. Can you believe it? I can't for the life of me figure out who he is in this video. He would have been about 19 or 20 when it was shot. My first guess was the kid in the center of the first photo strip, but he seems too young. Then again, Luke was playing high school-aged Dylan whilst in his late 20s/early 30s, so maybe when he actually was that age he looked like he was a tween? My second guess is the self tracheotomy guy (left photo in the bottom strip), though that might be the same guy. What do you all think?

P.P.S.: Get it? Like the George Romero sequel?

Warrant, "Cherry Pie"

2011-09-01T06:31:00.000-07:00

RIP Jani Lane

THE VIDEO Warrant, "Cherry Pie," Cherry Pie, 1990, Columbia

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "She's my cherry pie / cool drink of water / such a sweet surprise / looks so good / she'll bring a tear to your eye / sweet cherry pi-ie!"

THE VERDICT I have wanted to write up this video forever, but not like this. Not like this! Obviously at this point in time, this isn't new news, but lead singer Jani Lane is dead at 47. Why, Jani, why?

Well, we all have to grieve the best way we know how. And you know me, I do it through blog posts. (Though I think Canter's did an awesome job, too -- I love their cupcakes, so I imagine their pie is darn good as well!) I already did "Heaven" -- it was actually one of the very first posts I did on this blog, seven years ago -- so we're going to go with for my money one of the greatest songs ever written. Yes folks, finally, it's time for "Cherry Pie."

Am I being sarcastic when I say I think "Cherry Pie" is one of the best songs ever written? Absolutely not. I really do. Have you heard the acoustic version on Metal Mania Stripped? It's un-effing-believable. It's a great bassline, Jani's vocal delivery is fantastic, and I mean come on, the song just builds and builds. By the end you're screaming the chorus!

I remember getting in an argument with one of my exes over this, with him claiming the metaphor was tawdry and lame, and me taking the side that it's amazing. I mean seriously -- they make "swinging" work on so many levels! As an adult I appreciate it, and as a fifth grader I had no idea what the hell this song was about. Well done, Warrant. I should also mention that technically my favorite part of this song is just the part where they yell "Oh yeah!" at strategic points in the chorus.

Now we all know -- especially since it's been endlessly rehashed since his death -- that Jani had a contentious relationship to this song, and wasn't always exactly stoked about the idea that it would be his entire legacy. (Which I mean for me at least it wasn't in danger of being, even if it was the centerpiece.) In the end he seems to have embraced it, and I think he made the right choice.

It's a terrific song! I seriously considered walking down the aisle to it (since it's another one my husband learned to play for me shortly after we started dating), but I wasn't sure how it would work on the piano. Though you have to admit, it would've had some great punch. If I'd had like, a string ensemble, I totally would have done it. Well, there's always like, if we decide to renew our vows or something.

And the video! The video is unforgettable, and you know it. It's simple, it's funny, and it elevated Bobbie Brown from your standard rock video girl to full-fledged video vixen. And even though Bobbie has talked a lot of smack about Jani since then, this video led to them getting married and having a daughter, Taylar. Plus I mean really, she was dating Matthew Nelson? Now that I'm thinking about it though, she definitely has a type... Stevie Rachelle is like a poor man's Jani Lane.

Anyway. Bobbie herself is definitely a type too -- I've said it before, and I'll say it again, but she's a perfect example of this circa 1990 Christina Applegate type that everyone around then seemed to just love. Straight blond hair with bangs, heavy dark eyebrows, red lipstick, often one artfully placed mole... I call these ones "Great White girls" a lot (and indeed, Bobbie's in a couple of their videos) or when I don't know the girl in the video's name, I generally just refer to them all as Christina Applegate.

This was just the standard of beauty back then. I mean even if you think of models who were big at the time -- like Niki Taylor was like a high-end Christina Applegate type. Or Kelly Taylor from 90210 -- in early seasons, she's like a Christina doppelganger. (I should also mention that Bobbie was even on Married With Children -- the Applegate is strong with this one!)

Okay, now I've made it pretty far into this post without actually talking about anyone who's even in Warrant, let alone the video itself. So let's go there. I love this video because there's actually very little to it -- it's mainly the guys goofing around, and then little vignettes of Bobbie plus a few props. I remember I always used to wonder how they made these like, totally white spaces for videos or photo shoots or stuff like that.

Now I've been around that kind of stuff enough (back when I worked) to know it's usually just a completely white painted room, but with a curve leading from floor to wall, so there's no corner and, if lit correctly, no visible difference between the two (the other alternative is to use giant rolls of set paper to create the same effect, but they're jumping around too much for that here). Thus here Warrant appear to be in this weird, completely empty white space, save for their various red props.

What have the Down Boys brought with them? Umm, all kinds of stuff. Let's see. First, an amazing red, black, and white wardrobe that they appear to be sharing (I'm pretty sure Jani and Eric Turner are wearing the same polka dot shirt in different shots). They've even coordinated their instruments, with red guitars, red amps, and a red drum kit for Steven Sweet (occasionally with actual cherry pies placed on the drums). When they're all together, Warrant are mainly shot playing on top of giant red polka dots -- gosh I love the polka dots of the late 80s/early 90s -- but when they're separate, they're usually just on the white.

Bobbie is wearing pretty much the ultimate Christina Applegate girl outfit. Red lipstick (duh), giant earrings, a red bustier halter top, high-waisted yet extremely short denim cut-offs, a large belt, and red cowboy boots. I have to say, I've been surprised how strong of a comeback this exact "denim panties" look has made. I'm not going to lie, it's a trap I fall into myself (whatever, I don't work out as much as I do to not show off my legs), but still, there are limits. If when you sit down, I can't tell if you're wearing anything on your bottom half, that's just weird. But anyway, I digress.

We watch Bobbie get into some silly situations, semi-acting out some of the lyrics of the song. First she's a red-and-white clad rollerskating waitress (she sort of looks like she works at Ruby's), tripping over Joey Allen's cord and somehow magically dropping a slice of cherry pie straight into her own lap (also having magically changed into black spandex bike shorts -- now there's an early 90s look I don't miss). We also almost get the "swinging" literally with Bobbie in a team Warrant red-and-white baseball uniform, posing on a mitt-shaped couch.

Personally though I prefer the lips-shaped couch she's posing on a minute later, in her spandex shorts outfit (complete with black bra top, for that back-up dancer in an MC Hammer music video look). There are weirdly a lot of art references in this video -- I could do a whole thing on all the metal videos that randomly reference "American Gothic."

It's not all that highbrow though. Probably one of the best-known sequences of this video is the firehose part. Bobbie walks by a red firetruck that the guys from Warrant are all sitting beside. They pull out the hose and all five of them spray her with the hose. Oh, I don't mean they take turns. I mean it takes all five of them to wrangle this thing, which appears to have about as much water pressure as a garden hose. Hmm.

In case that's not literal enough for us, we then get some close-up cherry eating, followed by another iconic image from this video -- Jani with a fake smile on his face "ten miles wide." This shot is often used in decline of hair metal montages where they're trying to be like, "metal wasn't serious enough anymore." Well you know what? We don't have to be serious all the time. Yeah it's cheesy, but I for one like that Warrant seem to be having a great time in this video. They can throw a bunch of instruments out of the back of a red car, or have Joey cry after he looks through binoculars and somehow sees Bobbie cut in half.

Also, can I please get a red-and-white polka dot sheet set like they have in the bedroom sequence? That might well be my favorite part of the video. The shots of Jani and Bobbie in profile make Jani look astonishingly hot, and besides, I think this is my favorite verse of the song. It reminds me of "Your Mama Don't Dance."

Before the video wraps up, we actually get another high-end reference -- the cherry pie painting sitting beside the couch, which the car then appears to drive through, is clearly meant to look like the comic-panel-inspired pop art of Roy Lichtenstein (see, aren't you glad I took all those art history classes in college so I could write a blog about metal videos?). Well, I sure am. RIP Jani.

Guns N Roses, "November Rain"

2011-08-23T06:05:00.000-07:00

For As Long As You Both Shall Live

THE VIDEO Guns N Roses, "November Rain," Use Your Illusion I, 1991, Geffen

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "So if you wanna love me / then darlin' don't refrain / Or I'll just end up walkin' / in the cold November rain"

THE VERDICT I know. I've always said this is a pretty depressing wedding song -slash- video -- I mean, the bride dies. But come on, what metal song/video is more associated with weddings than this one? Umm, none of them. So yes, I have a confession to make. Okay well one, obviously, I'm married now, so congratulations to me. But two -- I walked down the aisle to "November Rain." Yes, that's right. We sprung for having the pianist learn a new song just for us. And it was by Guns N Roses. If I didn't have enough metal cred for you before, I best have it now.

Hilariously, they wound up just straight playing the song. As soon as I heard the piano at the beginning, standing there with my dad, I just burst into tears. I was like, "Dang, this dude is a really good pianist!" (And to be clear, he'd already played a different song for my husband and our family members to walk in to, like on the piano.) But then the flute and strings and whatnot came in, and I just burst out laughing. I laughed so hard (while also crying) I had to just stand there at the beginning of the aisle for few seconds to recompose myself. And of course, right as I made it to my husband I hear my mom say, "What is this awful, cheesy song?" Ah, weddings. But now it's OVER! I'm officially hitched, and can officially kick back. And can blog about the "November Rain" video. (Fear not, except for this paragraph, I wrote this a while ago -- as you read this, I'm on my honeymoon! I mean dude, I have my limits.)

This is an epic video. And to make it even more epic, I have done quite a bit of research for you, with a bit of help from my ~~fiance~~ husband, who bought me a copy of The Language of Fear. WTH is that, you ask? Well, it's just the book of Del James short stories that contains, "Without You," the story that the Use Your Illusion video trilogy is based on. We are finally going to learn what really is going on in "November Rain," and also what really would have been going on in the video for "Estranged" if Axl and Stephanie hadn't broken up. (Come to think, that is actually probably why the making-of video is subtitled "Part IV of the Trilogy!!!" -- part 3, which concludes the story and explains "November Rain," was never made.)

And speaking of makings-of, I also watched Makin' F@*!ing Videos Part II: November Rain to prepare for this (it's a long title, so hereafter I'm referring to it as "MFV"). Spoiler alert: It's a zillion times less interesting than the The Making of "Estranged": Part IV of the Trilogy!!!, and reveals a lot less about where and how the video was made, despite the fact that it cost them a cold $1.5 million to make it (which would be about $2.4 million in 2010 dollars, just to put that in perspective). So I did even more research, to find out more about video locations etc. Long story short, I am hoping to make this the definitive account of "November Rain." We are going to get to the bottom of the meaning, the mystery, all of it. Also, this is going to be the longest post ever.

I mean face it, "November Rain" is a monstrosity of a video. It's incredibly long -- nine minutes plus -- so I am going to do a bit of condensing and just note that all the narrative elements are set against Guns N Roses performing in a large concert hall in L.A. with 1,500 extras, an entire orchestra, and of course some foxy backup singers in skintight lace dresses. Axl has gone all Elton John, sitting at a ginormous piano and wearing little round glasses with colored lenses. The rest of the band is, you know, putting up with the fact that they are stuck doing this insane video for this completely over-the-top song.

Based on how much they all loved making the video for "Estranged," I'm sure they were all stoked to do this one. And per "MFV", indeed, they weren't. Nobody besides Axl and Del seems to like the song too much -- surprise! -- it's hard to play, just like "Estranged". Matt Sorum's sort of circumspect, but is clearly like, Slash and Duff hate this. Duff keeps kind of talking around it, like well it's a more "gentle" song than they're used to playing, or having a 130-piece orchestra is something "we're not used to". Axl of course keeps saying the whole video went "very, very smoothly."

The more interesting thing we learn from "MFV" is that the visual reference to Elton John is probably intentional. Surprisingly, Axl loves Sir Elton -- it kind of makes me wonder if it being "hard to hold a candle in the cold November Rain" has any relation to "Candle in the Wind." Matt Sorum talks a bunch in "MFV" about how Axl really wanted the drums in "November Rain" to sound like Nigel Olsson-style drum fills. He mentions "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" as a specific reference, and notes this is the only time Axl ever really gave him direction on drum stuff.

So weird, right? Though less weird when we remember that Axl and Elton totally duetted this song way back in 1992 at the MTV Video Music Awards. They did the whole yin-and-yang pianos thing and everything! Gosh, seeing that again made me remember what a big deal the VMAs were to me growing up. Before we had cable, I would make my aunt tape them on VHS so I could watch them. Also, what is with Elton John doing duets with noted homophobes? In any event, Axl talks about this during "MFV" as being among the most nervous he's ever been during a performance.

Anyway, back to the video. So one other interesting thing is that this video was actually performed live, rather than mimed and lip-synched as per usual. Axl talks a bunch about how the video was this great excuse for them to get to book an orchestra, and play with them. "MFV" shows the orchestra playing the ending of the song without GNR accompanying them, and the audience appears legitimately really into it. It also shows the band playing a kickass rendition of "Dead Horse" for all the extras (they basically got to watch a really long concert where "November Rain" was played numerous times), who are of course dressed in black tie. Note that the extras in the performance/concert sequences seem to have been much happier than the other extras. You also have to love the flutist in the bustier -- such a metal touch to add to the orchestra.

So where do we start? Well, with what's actually the only part of this video that's reminiscent of "Without You," the Del James short story we will discuss at length momentarily. Axl goes pops some pills and goes to bed in a blue-lit room, implying that everything that happens in this video is actually his memories, not anything that's currently happening now (which as we'll see, makes sense with the short story). First though, he dreams of himself playing piano in his Elton John outfit, inside of a tiny church in the middle of nowhere.

And what does he dream of first? His wedding to Stephanie Seymour! Okay, so much to say here. First, had I done a bit more research, had a lot more money, and been Catholic, I could have totally had the wedding from "November Rain." (Now, thanks to my research and blogging, you can have it! Just keep reading!) The ceremony was shot at St. Brendan Catholic Church in Los Angeles. It's in loads of stuff, but most notably (for me anyway), the rectory next door is the building Brenda claims is her sorority house in the pilot episode of Beverly Hills 90210. It's a really beautiful church, and incredibly tasteful for southern California (and I say this as a proud southern Californian). They've got swags of white flowers lining the aisle, and candles everywhere -- it's actually kind of a gorgeous ceremony.

But wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. We need to back up to Stephanie Seymour, 'cause this is amazing. Now I'd always assumed her and Axl's relationship pre-dated her starring in these videos. In actuality, it was her being cast in these videos that started the relationship! According to "MFV," Del spotted her on the cover of Cosmopolitan, where apparently she seemed "really down to earth." He remembers her as wearing some sort of 60s-ish, hippie-style shirt, but the only Stephanie Seymour Cosmo cover I could find that would be even remotely the right time period has her in a pretty severe white bathing suit. Could it have been this issue of Elle? Nah, too late. This Vogue cover is too sexy. Okay, Del probably just misremembered what she was wearing, but whatever.

In any event, Stephanie says she had never wanted to be a rock video girl, claiming "I've had people ask me to do videos and I never was interested, until Guns N Roses asked me to do one." Axl felt the casting decision for the trilogy was important, and that it needed to be an actress-type who would be "motivated" to do the video, which was not just a "tits and ass video." Steph's beyond gorgeous (still is today, lucky girl!) but comes off as a bit dopey in her (brief) interview segments. She's most famous here though for coming down the aisle in that totally over-the-top Carmela Sutera gown (side note: the designer seems to be out of the biz as of this year, I can't find anything she designed post 2010). It's sort of the wedding dress equivalent of a mullet, though in the industry they call that a hi-lo hem (high in the front, low in the back... sort of like a mullet!). She has an enormous train and an enormous veil. I think my favorite part of her whole attire though is the bow on top of her head. It's very 90s, but actually very sweet.

Based on "MFV," they legit filmed a wedding. The guy officiating is a friend of Axl's, who it turned out had actually officiated at St. Brendan before. He seems like a total sweetie based on "MFV," and is one of the better actors in the video. In "MFV", we see that they actually did it all up, vows and all. He says, "Stephanie and Axl, you have come here freely and without reservation, to give yourselves to one another, each, in love and harmony, in marriage. Will you love and honor each other as man and wife for the rest of your days?" That would be really weird to act out with someone you were just dating. Especially given how the video turns out.

It seems the indoor church scenes were shot at night -- everyone is exhausted and miserable. The people in the pews keep laying down, and even the musicians are resting their heads on their instruments. The interviewer in "MFV" keeps asking the guys in GNR what they think their role in the wedding is. None are sure, though Matt Sorum guesses he's an usher. Duff doesn't realize he's meant to be holding the rings until right before they shoot it. Most hilariously, the woman sitting with Gilby complains vociferously that she thinks no one stood up for her when she walked down the aisle, and Dizzy tries to console her by saying "There's nothing wrong with a sit-down wedding." Despite the late hour, the guys seem way happier and more like they're still friends than they do by the time they're making "Estranged."

But okay, wait, mid-wedding, Axl has a sort of moment of reverie -- jeepers, is this a dream within a dream? -- where he recalls good times with Steph and the guys at the Rainbow Bar & Grill. We don't see this in "MFV," though they mention an aborted scene at Damiano's -- can you imagine if "November Rain" had had a freakin' pizza parlor scene?!? Well, it almost did, but for some reason the location was scrapped at the last minute, and they wound up using the good ol' Rainbow. They don't show it at all in "MFV" though, so I'm wondering if this is actually extra footage from "Don't Cry" that they've repurposed here. It's got the same look, with the band and their girlfriends hanging out and joking around. Also kids, don't smoke, even if Stephanie Seymour makes it look un-buh-lievably glamorous.

Anyway, Axl gets his head back in the game for the ring exchange, which as we all remember is made hilarious by the antics of Slash, who is apparently the ring bearer in the wedding. The priest asks for the rings, but Slash, patting his pockets, doesn't have them. Luckily, with a wink, Duff produces them -- who knows why, but the ring is on his pinky. Slash hands the priest the rings, then straight-up leaves the wedding. Oh-kay.

He leaves, of course, to play the solo, which finds him somehow exiting a tiny church in the middle of nowhere, dressed in completely different clothes. He's gone from his church attire -- tophat, open white blousey shirt, black jacket, etc. -- to his solo attire -- hatless, chaps, etc. Slash somehow manages to smoke through the entire solo despite it being extremely windy. Also, in addition to the different clothes, again, he's in a totally different place -- this was shot in a little Old West-style church in New Mexico built as part of a movie set for Silverado. (I'm assuming this is also where Axl is in the one random shot where he appears to be walking through an Old West ghost town.) They had wanted to shoot the solo in a field of long grass or flowers, which to me honestly would seem really weird, but since it was winter, this is where they wound up.

But oh yeah, back to the wedding. Of course we get a gratuitously open-mouthed kiss, then Axl and Stephanie run down the front steps of the church while their friends and family throw rice and flower petals. They get into the back of a car, and while Axl looks stoked, Stephanie looks even more like she wants to cry, puke, or both than she did when they were coming down the aisle. She's got her game face on though by the time they hit the reception, which my research has uncovered was shot at the Greystone Mansion in Beverly Hills. Available for weddings and other events -- see, you can have your own "November Rain" wedding! (It's also where they shot the Axl bedroom scenes, if you're wondering.)

Stephanie has changed into a skintight off-the-shoulder black velvet gown for the reception, which makes her look unbelievably skinny. Axl has swapped for a metallic blue coat that is, amazingly, even uglier than the bizarro frockcoat he wore for the ceremony. No worries though, that thing is still represented in the incredibly accurate cake topper atop their ginormous five-tier wedding cake.

At first, everyone's super-happy at the reception. Everyone's toasting each other, Axl's feeding Stephanie frosting, old people are dancing, little kids are running around, Riki Rachtman is happy to be there. I kind of want to edit the Riki reaction shot into our wedding video. (And in real life, it seems like again the reception was one of the easier parts of this video to film -- the extras seem happy, and the band are goofing around, playing with the reception band's instruments. I should also mention the reception band are the Capitol Homeboyz -- scroll down for a peek.)

But next thing you know, everything's going wrong -- and weirdly, despite this being the part of the video I most wanted to know about, "MFV" doesn't talk about it at all. But yeah, it starts raining. I mean pouring. And for some reason, this makes everyone absolutely panic. Everyone's running around like crazy, Duff is hiding under the head table, but what absolutely nails it is the guy who jumps sideways through the wedding cake. WTF is that?! What part of getting out of the rain makes this level of cake destruction necessary? Shouldn't someone have been trying to carry the cake inside? Jeez, it's like "MacArthur Park" all over again. (You know, "someone left the cake out in the rain.") Still, the final shot of this sequence -- of the totally destroyed reception table -- is ridiculously well art-directed. Congrats, Andy Morahan.

Then next thing you know, everything's really gone to hell. The song's gotten all dark, and Stephanie's dead! She's in a casket that's sort of like a quarter open, with half her face showing. Also I'm not sure, but she might be rewearing that wedding dress in there. Axl is all sweaty and penitent. Per "MFV," Stephanie was actually the only one who didn't mind this part of the shoot (another overnight one, using St. Brendan again). Why? because she fell asleep in the coffin and pretty much missed the whole shoot. Axl says it was "pretty creepy" to see her in there. The funeral part is way less interesting to me than the wedding (which I mean obviously is what I want to focus on here!). I will ask why the other guys in GNR aren't the pallbearers, and why instead it looks like Joe Friday is.

And of course, it starts to rain at her funeral, too. But this time, everyone holds it together and just like, busts out umbrellas. No one's jumping through a giant floral arrangement, or anything like that. Eventually, the funeral wraps up, and everyone leaves except Axl, who's kneeling beside her grave in the rain. But then wait -- Axl's clutching his pillow in the blue-lit bedroom back at Greystone. So see? It's all been a dream. Or a memory? We won't know until, well, we'll know in two seconds, when I finally start talking about "Without You."

But before then, I need to mention the last significant bit of the video (a bit out of order, but I'm trying to keep things semi-organized) -- Stephanie's alive again, and tossing her bouquet off the terrace at Greystone. As it flies through the air, the roses turn from white to red, and we see it as the red rose bouquet that's laying on her casket in the open grave. As the video ends though, the raindrops on the casket leak the color out of the flowers, making them white once more.

Okay, so if this video is actually just the wind-up to what was supposed to happen in "Estranged," what was supposed to happen in "Estranged"?? Patience, patience (though let me also say if you've actually read this far, good on you!) We need a bit of history first. So Del James first met GNR back in like 1985, through some sort of convoluted story where basically they wind up crashing together in LA. Axl was actually already working on "November Rain" on the piano at that point, but they wound up putting "Sweet Child O' Mine" on Appetite for Destruction instead, since Axl felt it wasn't finished enough since no one else could understand what he was trying to do. Such the artiste, as per usual. In "MFV," he mentions that Tommy Lee's piano work in "Home Sweet Home" really inspired him to go with his piano visions.

Around this same time, Del James started working on drafts of what would become "Without You." It was inspired by Axl's relationship with then-girlfriend (and later wife) Erin Everly. The story actually wasn't written completely when "November Rain" came out -- Axl says "November Rain" is more just about his own life -- but it does pre-date "Estranged," which was very much inspired by "Without You." In "MFV," both Axl and Del say "Estranged" is Axl's attempt to write the song within the story. Though they really hedge on this in the "Making of" for "Estranged," in "MFV" it's very obvious they intend that video to be the video of "Without You" -- Axl says, "And if budget allows, we'll film the next parts of the story." Del claims they had considered making an entire movie, but that the video trilogy will instead be a condensed version.

Okay, so finally, here's the story! "Without You" is about an Axl-manque, Mayne Mann, who finds fame with a band called Suicide Shift, and now fronts his own group. It's basically the story of his love for a beautiful woman named Elizabeth Aston, who again is based on Erin Everly. Mayne loves Elizabeth, but leading the rock 'n' roll lifestyle leads to problems with fidelity, and she's the jealous type (probably hence the catfight scene in "Don't Cry"). Mayne struggles to tell her how he really feels, but it's hard, and long story short, he winds up doing so with a song called "Without You," which he bases on something she says to him (basically that she can't live with him, but she can't live without him -- wait, isn't that a U2 song?!).

Most of the story is taken up with one morning in Mayne's life. It starts with him having a nightmare vision of Elizabeth, with the song playing in the background -- probably what the nightmare scene in "November Rain" alludes to. Mayne wakes up to find himself in his trashed condo, which he proceeds to get trashed in and to continue the trashing of as he struggles with his memories of Elizabeth. There's a lot of drinking (alternating beer and whiskey), some smoking, a good amount of coke, and plenty of smack. Breakfast of champions. In any event, this is what we can guess is just beginning to happen at the end of "November Rain," when Axl wakes up all sweaty.

In any event, I know what you're all waiting for -- how did Elizabeth/Stephanie Seymour die? -- so here's the big reveal. Following an especially blatant episode of infidelity, Mayne is desperately trying to get Elizabeth to come to his concert in L.A. She doesn't show up, so he decides to go to her apartment and surprise her. She won't answer her phone, so he barges in -- and finds that she has shot herself in the head while playing "Without You" on repeat. Hence the only partially-opened casket in "November Rain" -- I think we're meant to believe much of her head is now missing.

So what does this mean would have happened in "Estranged"? My best guess is we would have seen the infidelity more clearly dramatized than in "Don't Cry" (though there is a lot of fighting in that one). We also would have gotten to watch Axl trash an apartment, smash guitars and platinum records, throw a stereo through the windshield of a Bentley, and make it rain hundreds for a crowd of people gathered below. But I think the most dramatic moment would have been the big finale -- which Del alludes to in "MFV." Mayne has been avoiding ever hearing, let alone playing, "Without You," because his memories of Elizabeth are too painful. But at the bottom of his spiral, he sits down at his piano, high and bloodied, and plays it, soulfully and passionately. As his condo burns to the ground around him, 'cause he dropped a still-burning cigarette on the ground in the bedroom. Dram-a!!!!

According to the Axl-penned preface (written in 1993 and more or less just a hagiography of Del), Del introduced this story to him in draft form by claiming he had just written the story of his best friend's (i.e., Axl's) death. Again, he wrote it in the mid-80s, before Appetite came out, and according to Axl, many aspects of it came true (mainly the over-the-top multi-platinum success bits). Axl says "Estranged" is his "Without You," a song he is haunted by. He confirms that "November Rain" is more the set-up for the story "Without You," and that "Estranged" was going to be the filming of the story itself, except that Stephanie Seymour had "other plans."

So does this bode well for my marriage? Ummm, well, if we're going to be literalists no, not so much. But my husband (though he does play the guitar) is 10,000% faithful, and also, you know, sane. So I think things look good for us. And if you've actually read this entire thing (I mean dang, there's a reason I did "Estranged" in two posts!), you're looking pretty good to me right now, too!

Monster Magnet, "Space Lord"

2011-08-18T06:18:00.000-07:00

I'm in Vegas, B*tch!

THE VIDEO Monster Magnet, "Space Lord," Powertrip, 1998, A&M

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Well I sing ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh / Space lord mother mother! / Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh / Space lord mother mother!"

THE VERDICT I know. This video is from nineteen-ninety-freakin'-eight. It's well outside the purview of Headbanger's Ball (which met its maker three years prior). Not only that, it has the ignominious distinction of having been the first video ever played on TRL. (Not that that kind of popularity is always a bad thing -- I mean, think how many videos I've featured were really popular on Dial MTV back in the day! 'Memba that one?)

So why am I do doing this? Welllll, because we're getting married in fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada, and this was the only metal (or even metal-ish) video I could come up with that is in Vegas. Which is weird when you think about it, given how many music videos take place in Vegas. Rock videos, pop videos rap videos -- in terms of U.S. cities, it probably comes in third, after L.A. and New York (the only possible contender I can even think of for third place would be Miami, or like if you counted Brooklyn videos separately from Manhattan ones). Anyway. Why are we getting married in Vegas? It's a long story, and for once I'm not going to go into a major digression. Let's just say the more traditional route wasn't happening.

This video is pretty beloved, but everyone seems to forget they pulled this trick not once but twice -- "Powertrip" is more or less the same idea, using slightly different hip-hop video conventions (inflated suits, tunnels). I think it's mainly that this one was such a surprise at the time, especially because of how it starts out.

I mean, before things really get going, this video plays not only with the conventions of hip-hop videos of the time, but also of dark metal videos. I mean, the whole first verse, when the music's still pretty quiet, could be from any of a number of videos, with the faces coming in and out of the light, and all the fog flying around, and of course the super-wrinkly old people (hello, "The Unforgiven," I'm looking at you). I think the skinny kid with "Mother" written on his chest is a nod at "Jeremy," just like while they're at it.

You just have to kind of ignore the fact that if you're paying attention, Dave Wyndorf is already wearing a big ol' dookie chain and a purple vinyl suit. (While you're at it, ignore the guitarist's raver attire, with the big pigtail buns and giant sunglasses, even if it kind of reminds me of Edge and Christian. Late 90s fashion was baaad. For real, no nostalgia there.)

But dang, when suddenly the black backdrop falls down behind them and you really see Dave's suit, you have to admit it's pretty freakin' badass. Not to mention all the dancers. I feel like nowadays you'd expect them to be more implant-y and dressed more provocatively, but they are totally correct for the time, with their monochrome metallic getups. In fact, they're basically the exact outfits worn in Ma$e's video for "Feel So Good," which this video grabs almost all its shots from. It's actually kind of amazing how exactly they recreate parts of it. The biggest difference is Ma$e has more girls throwing around money, and he actually gets to shoot inside the casino.

So where are they in this video? Same as Ma$e -- Monster Magnet aren't on the Strip. By relocating to Fremont Street and the Plaza, they've gotten a hotel that's willing to scroll their band's name on its marquee (and let them shoot off a ton of pyro), so we can't knock 'em for that.

It also gives them this cool ceiling-of-lights thing to shoot under, so I like that. You can't imitate the Hype Williams style without a lot of lights and a fisheye lens. I enjoy Dave's lightbulb-covered suit as well. Especially the fact that you can visibly see where it's plugged in. Any shots where you can see his legs, you can also see the cord.

Okay ew, the part where Twiggy from Marilyn Manson is suddenly there, no thanks. Sorry, but I am just not a Manson fan. But I appreciate that it was critical that they include a sequence in the video where Dave drives a Pontiac Firebird down a street where it looks like it just finished raining, accentuating all the lights. Again, it's just Fremont, not the Strip, but it still looks good. You've got to appreciate the old Vegas, not just the new stuff.

I also enjoy though that they aren't even driving on a road -- I'm pretty sure this is enclosed now, as part of the Fremont Street Experience (it actually already might have been at the time this was shot, they just aren't lighting the 'ceiling'). So this video has a bigger budget than its non-Strip location might make one think -- given that there aren't people gawking at them from the slot machines, Monster Magnet actually closed off like, all of Fremont to make this video happen. My guess is they're filming in the middle of the night, but still. Everything in Vegas is open 24 hours, and so there are probably people who want to be in whatever place you're trying to shoot your video 24 hours a day too.

So given what we've seen in this video, am I going to be cavorting with dancers, wearing crazy suits, making it rain? Umm, no, pretty much the opposite. We do have a kick-ass suite, and I'm stoked to see my friends, but as I've said in previous weeks, weddings are awful, kids. Trust me on this one. But Vegas is really fun, so hopefully that will shine through.

P.S.: I totally realize that the biggest event in metal this week has been the untimely death of Jani Lane. But I have had these wedding-related posts planned out forever, and I'm only getting married once, so I'm sorry, but I have to go through with it. Post-wed, it's Jani tribute time all the way.

Stryper, "Honestly"

2011-08-11T07:13:00.000-07:00

My Imaginary First Dance Song

THE VIDEO Stryper, "Honestly," To Hell With the Devil, 1986, Hollywood

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Calllllll on meee, and I'll be there for you-oooooooh-oooh / I'm a friend who allllllll-ways will be tru-ooooooooh-ooooh / And I love you can't you see-eeeeeeee / that I can say I luh-uh-uh-uh-uuuuuuuuve youuuuuuuuuu hon-on-est-lee-eeeeeee-eeeeeeeeeeee"

THE VERDICT Okay, here's video #2 in my wedding theme month. How the heck is Stryper relevant, given that my fiance and I aren't religious at all? Well, given that I'm a bit slow on the uptake on this kind of stuff, for a really long time I just thought this would be a really nice like, wedding first dance song. I mean, it's ~~a bit sappy~~ incredibly sappy, and it's all the kind of promises you'd want to make, and really everything you'd want in a life partner, right?

Okay, except that it's not being narrated from the point of view of like, a husband or wife or whatever. This song is actually a God's eye point of view. And I don't mean like, an omniscient narrator kind of thing. I mean literally, this song is like, the Lord or Jesus or whomever telling people He is always going to be there for them, a friend who'll always be true, etc. If you're a believer, it's a reassuring message, for sure.

And if you wanted to use this as a message to your spouse, as I would, it's got a lovely message. Even if I think I'm the only person I know who can get through this song without complaining of torture. What can I say, I guess I have a cheesy streak. Okay, I have a cheesy streak like the size of Wisconsin.

In any event, we aren't having a legit reception or anything like that, and I'm not about to parade around and dance in front of people, so that's not happening. Instead, we'll just have to talk about this video on here.

The video sort of takes us through the whole process of the song, from start to finish. We begin really at the beginning, with Michael Sweet composing the song at the piano. Why these parts are in black and white, I'm not sure.

Then we move on to the band practicing the song together. Are they practicing in a garage? Or is this the usual metal video cliche of the empty warehouse, because this is a really big garage. They also seem to have some yellow and black-painted risers in there. Maybe it's like an airplane hangar, where all their stuff is waiting to be shipped off for their tour? Hmm, I'm not thinking the acoustics are probably that good in there.

You know I have to say, in their way, Stryper have great style, with all the skinny jeans and hats and sweatpants. Robert Sweet has better Farrah Fawcett hair than Farrah herself did, it's perfect! You look at how they're dressed in this video, and aside from the big-shouldered jackets, it's all stuff that would totally play now.

Okay, re-focusing. Probably the most notable aspect of this video is the 'behind the scenes' footage of them getting ready to leave for their tour. This is the only metal video that includes wives and babies in real time, as part of the video, not as just like, maybe one photo in the midst of a huge photo montage.

They also show them kissing their wives/girlfriends a lot, which is really unusual in metal videos. They usually want to make the band members seem available to any ladies who might be watching. The exception to this is women in videos who the band members are really dating -- viz. all the open-mouthed Tawny Kitaen-David Coverdale action in Whitesnake videos. This kissing is not like that, trust.

I like too that these bits show Stryper to have a sense of humor. We get some jokey footage of them packing -- Rob tosses umbrella in suitcase, Oz Fox just sticks entire dresser drawer into his luggage. Then a white limo picks them all up and they go to the airport, showing us their passports. We even follow them into the plane -- and not like, their own personal plane either (or like the helicopter they have in "Always There For You"). It looks like they're flying in coach!

So Stryper have gone to London, where they're on the marquee of the Hammersmith Odeon. Instead of the usual footage of them like, pensively staring out the windows of their tour bus or sitting around exhausted in hotels, Stryper actually take advantage of their traveling. The boys go out and sightsee a bit, hitting the usual tourist spots -- Big Ben, Westminster Abbey, Buckingham Palace. I especially love when they walk by a poster for their concert, and it's right next to a gigantic Thompson Twins poster.

We also get to peek backstage, and trust, this backstage footage is likewise not your usual backstage footage. There's nary a groupie in sight, and no one sprays anyone with beer. Instead, they've got out their Bibles, and they do a prayer circle.

Moving forward in the sort of life cycle of the song, we then see them practicing on their stage set in their regular clothes. Then at the end Stryper are actually live in their full black and yellow regalia on the set, though at the last minute we're back with Michael and his piano. Hmm, that was pretty straightforward. Okay, strap yourselves in for a huge tangent (see, at least this week I saved it for the end!).

Growing up, there was this little mom and pop shop a little ways from my house that was called the Corner Store. It was abundantly not on a corner, so who knows. But it was basically like a convenience store minus the gas station. It was very small, and sold like candy, and Wonder Bread, and stuff like that. It had a couple of arcade games on the back wall, and it had an incredibly distinct smell -- I can't describe it, but if I smelled it anywhere else I would identify it as this. Sort of a mix of loose change, soft serve ice cream, and comic books (which they also sold, on a rack near the counter).

I think I remember buying Garbage Pail Kids cards there too, but I might be conflating that with a memory of walking home with my parents from either the annual town Tag Sale or the annual town carnival and finding a long trail of Garbage Pail Kids cards along the side of the road and picking them all up. (In other news: Do I still have all those Garbage Pail Kids cards? Hellllll yeah I do!)

Anyway: Why this long digression? Okay, 'cause in addition to the aforementioned annual events my town held, there's also an annual Memorial Day Parade which is very like, small town America-y. All the local fire trucks drive down the street, and like, the oldest veterans and the selectmen ride through town in convertibles, and so on and so forth. People throw penny candy from the backs of flatbed trucks, and you run into the street and pick it up.

Okay, I swear I'm getting to the connection soon! So one year, I marched in the Memorial Day Parade as a Girl Scout. I was a Brownie, so this would've been 1987 or 1988. And it was unbelievably hot that year, just scorching. But I made it through the whole parade, sweating under my stupid little felt Brownie beanie. When I'd walked the whole parade route, my mom met me (probably at the local high school), and we walked home. On the way though, we stopped at the Corner Store, 'cause she wanted to buy me a soft-serve ice cream cone for being good and all and sweating it out in the parade.

So while the old man behind the counter (and it was literally just one old man who worked there, always) was getting my ice cream, I remember looking up at the wall behind the counter, where there were posters for sale, the kind you can win at carnivals, you know, where they're sort of on like cardboard and in these gold plastic frames. And right smack-dab in the middle above the counter was this big ol' Stryper poster, of them in all their black and yellow regalia. Now, I would be like foaming at the mouth to get that poster, but at the time my little seven- or eight-year-old self was like, "Who the heck is gonna buy that poster?"

Okay, that was an incredibly long and not especially relevant digression. But that is part of why I write this blog -- so much of my childhood is somehow wrapped up in metal, and the littlest things, like seeing Stryper in all their yellow and black concert gear, can conjure up all these memories. I mean shoot, I can't remember the last time I thought about the Corner Store. That place closed in like 1989 or 1990, I think it's a realtor's office now. I could go on and on about this stuff, but I'll try to refocus.

Stryper. Okay, we can do this. Someone should make some kind of Stryper/Wiz Khalifa mashup. I'm not sure how well it would work, and basically nobody would get the reference, but I still think it's a great idea.

P.S.: Did you know that unlike metal bands who jokingly claim their names are acronyms (Satan Laughs As You Eternally Rot) or who others claim are acronyms (Kids/Knights In Satan's Service), Stryper actually is an acronym? "Salvation Through Redemption Yielding Peace, Encouragement, and Righteousness." And also yielding lots of striped clothing!

Dio, "Rainbow in the Dark"

2011-08-04T06:40:00.000-07:00

The Wedding Countdown Begins

THE VIDEO Dio, "Rainbow in the Dark," Holy Diver, 1983, Reprise

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "No sign of the morning com-iiiiing / you've been left on your own! / like a rainbow in the dark / a rainbow in the dark!"

THE VERDICT Okay, so if you're a regular reader, you know I've mentioned a couple times that I am getting married later this month, and I am buggin'. Weddings. Are. Horrible. I sleep like five hours a night because I'm constantly worrying about some idiotic bull. For serious, guys. I considered doing a whole theme month of songs about insanity, but decided I should try more of a "fake it 'til you make it" approach and go super-positive instead. So this whole month, we're doing songs that somehow relate to my wedding or my relationship with my fiance.

Ha, I can see you cringing through the internet. Come on, you know it can't be that bad. I mean, I'm starting with Dio. You must love Dio. That said, this is gonna be one of those posts that features lengthy personal digressions (they're all gonna be like that this month), so if you're not feeling that, you might want to bail now. Or at least skim down to the bottom where I actually get around to talking about the video.

So three years ago, driving back to my parents' house from New York in the midst of crazy sporadic downpours and thunderstorms, I actually saw not just one but several rainbows in the dark. I mean forget double rainbows! Friggin' lightning and rainbows at the same time -- totally awesome. I'd never seen anything like it before, nor since.

And also coincidentally, the previous weekend, I'd been with some people at a teeny tiny bar in the basement of an also pretty tiny hotel (post my ten-year high school reunion, just to add to the awfulness). For some reason they had a guy playing loud acoustic guitar -- like he was really mic'd up in spite of the fact that the room was like, the size of the bathroom at most places. And you know people playing those kind of gigs always like, tell unfunny anecdotes between songs, even though everyone's like pleasssseeee don't talk, we can finally all hear each other without screaming.

Anyway, the high point was when he played what was actually a pretty decent solo acoustic version of "Rainbow in the Dark" which led me to scream and make the Dio sign. He then played the first few bars of "Holy Diver," which now that I think of it would be amazing acoustic, but my cheers were to no avail, as pretty soon it was back to deadly boring Oasis covers. I put some money in his tip jar though and I wrote "PLAY MORE DIO" on it.

So when my fiance and I were very first dating, I told him this story -- I can't even remember the context for it. And then the next time I saw him, he'd taught himself to play "Rainbow in the Dark" on his guitar, and played it for me (as well as "Cherry Pie," which I also love acoustic). So see? Relevant. Okay, to my wedding anyway. I had really hoped we'd be able to incorporate "Rainbow in the Dark" into the wedding in some way, but I don't think it'll actually happen. So this blog post is as close as we're gonna get.

But what of the video? Well, it's astonishingly low-budget. And it takes place in London. Also, this video bizarrely -- courageously? -- chooses to tell the story of uh, well of a pervert. We split between a totally bad-ass looking Dio standing on a rooftop, and then a totally sketchy looking Englishman stalking a woman through the streets. He adjusts his tie constantly, which is an odd tic.

The woman herself looks like she stepped out of a J. Geils Band video or something along those lines. She's got short 80s hair, and is wearing a red and white polka-dotted dress, red sheer tights, and low white heels (not your typical metal video chick).

One of the most memorable parts of this video for me is when the pervy man gets distracted by a display of lingerie, and we suddenly get this weird montage of the lingerie, signs for peep shows, and a deli display full of meat. Oh Dio, I love your subtlety.

She seems to go in the "Cin Cinema," which greatly pleases the perv. He takes off his glasses and is all prepped to follow her inside, when suddenly he stops, shocked -- yes, a super-young Vivian Campbell is busting out of there for the guitar solo, and the woman is definitely very interested in him. It scares the pervert right off. For some reason, this triggers further montages of the fronts of peep parlors and such.

Uhoh! And now here's Jimmy Bain too! Then the woman kisses Viv. The perv is not pleased, to say the least. He drops his little briefcase and just runs away. I wonder if Vinny Appice was bummed he didn't get to be in this video. Then again, I guess unlike "Holy Diver," at least anyone who's not RJD getting to be in the video the band members probably considered an improvement.

I really enjoy that it seems like this video was not filmed on any kind of closed or even controlled set -- everyone they pass on the street is staring at the actors, or staring straight at the camera. I also feel like how incredibly windy it appears to be on the roof where Dio is gives us further indication of just how low-budge this video is.

But can we also mention that this is an incredible song? For people who aren't familiar with the Dio oeuvre, this is the one they'll know -- it actually gets played on classic rock radio. And I mean the keyboard riff in this is classic, just classic. You'd recognize it anywhere. You know me though, as per usual what gets me here are the evocative but somewhat nonsensical lyrics. "When there's lightning / you know it always brings me down / 'cause it's free and I see that it's me / who's lost and never fou-ou-ou-ound!" It doesn't get better than that, people.

Suffice to say I don't know what this song's really about. He keeps being all "you've been left on your own / like a rainbow in the dark." But I feel like seeing a rainbow when you're in the dark would be a hopeful thing. (I mean, when I did see it, it was totally badass.) So see, this is where I'm going with this. I am marrying my own personal rainbow in the dark. Whenever I'm totally lost and stumbling through life, he's there for me. (Cue the internet cringing once more.)

Suicidal Tendencies, "Institutionalized"

2011-07-28T06:28:00.000-07:00

I'M NOT CRAZY

THE VIDEO Suicidal Tendencies, "Institutionalized," Suicidal Tendencies, 1983, Frontier

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "I'm not crazy! / [Institutionalized!] / You're the one that's crazy! / [Institutionalized!] / You'r driving me crazy! / [Institutionalized!]"

THE VERDICT Suicidal Tendencies is one of those bands I was really on the fence about, not about whether they're a quality band (they are) but are they technically metal. In the end, I decided they're metal enough because a) there was a Headbangers Ball episode where Riki Rachtman had a barbecue with them (and if I remember correctly, inexplicably a pre-fame Mark McGrath was there -- God bless the person who put this on Youtube, btw); b) they play the heck out of this video on Metal Mania; and c) Rob Trujillo is in Metallica now (even if he wasn't in ST yet when they did this one). Actually with their short hair and love of money, how metal Metallica are is something else we could debate. But we'll save it for later.

I hadn't listened to this song in a while, and then it happened to come up while I was just shuffling all my music, and damn if it didn't fit with how I'm feeling right about now. I'm getting married in less than a month, and if you've never done it, I wouldn't advise it.

Oh wait, I don't mean getting married. I'm stoked to be married. I mean having a wedding. Dude, it is a freakin' nightmare. Think the wedding is about you and your intended? It's not. It's about everyone else and their BS demands. And then there's school, which is a whole other thing, but a bit of the same story lately. All I do is play everybody's reindeer games, and still somehow I'm the one with the problem.

So something about Mike Muir and all the sort of "I've done everything you've ever asked me and yet you say I'm the one who's crazy" stuff in this song really resonated with me. I actually used to listen to this song a lot back when I worked. I had a lot of issues with my job, and I had a whole playlist I would listen to in the subway on my way to work to like, prepare myself mentally for dealing with my workday.

I don't remember all of it, but it definitely had "Institutionalized," "No More Mr. Nice Guy," and "Peace Sells (But Who's Buying)". (I know, based on the title that last one sounds random, but think about the verses -- "What do you mean I can't get to work on time? / Got nothin' better to do" etc.)

Anyway it worked for me.) By the time I got to work I had musically sublimated my full-tilt pissed-off-ness. Okay I'm making myself sound crazy now (you're the one that's crazy!). Calm yourselves, I was just quoting this song.

Suicidal Tendencies are just a really cool LA band. I want to say I love their look, but we need to be realistic, this isn't a look for them, this is how they're dressing. But to the extent this video got airplay, I feel like this is probably the first exposure the rest of the country got to this sort of Venice style. I mean this video's got it all, from the bandannas to the plaid shirts to the skateboarders -- you can watch it and see where all the junk you see for sale at PacSun and those kinds of stores got ripped off from.

I mean seriously people. It's 1983. This is probably the earliest video there is that features a lowrider. We're almost ten years before "Nuthin' But a G Thang" (1992, for the record). The only other thing I've seen with a similar look to this is the first (I know, for once not talking about Part II) Decline of Western Civilization movie. Which is, obvs, about LA punk circa this time period. I mean now we know it from movies like Dogtown and Z-Boys (and the subsequent non-doc version, Lords of Dogtown) -- it's basically how Jay Adams dresses once he begins to drift away from the group.

I've actually been having a correspondence with one of this site's most regular readers (thanks for reading!) about songs that infantilize metal fans -- e.g. songs that talk about "kids", prompted by my "Crazy Babies" post but also loosely encompassing "Rock N Roll Children," "I Wanna Rock," and a whole host of others. This one does fit in with that somewhat, as the narrative mainly covers altercations with one's parents. That said though, I have to give it a pass, 'cause it's just too good a song. I don't even drink soda, and yet I feel like I want my epitaph to be "All I wanted was a Pepsi!"

Okay okay okay, but what happens in the video. Well, a couple different things. The video starts off with Mike pretty much just talking to the camera and walking around while the rest of the band plays, and kids do skateboard tricks in a sort of abandoned warehouse. (Admittedly, this one looks way more like an actual abandoned warehouse than most ones in music videos do.) Also of note: Slayer's Tom Araya is in the video for two seconds -- he shoves Mike as he walks past him.

For most people though, the most memorable sequences of the video are those that take place at Mike's "home." The rest of the band (at this point in history, Grant Estes, Louiche Mayorga, and Amery Smith) drops Mike off, and he heads inside to avoid his crazy parents, who at first are out on the lawn but soon come in to harass him (and begin converting his bedroom into a padded cell).

His dad is played by Jack Nance (known best for being in all things David Lynch), though I think he looks a little like an older Brian Doyle Murray, aka Noah from Noah's Arcade (I can't believe I can't find a clip to link to for that! But I trust if you're reading this you've seen Wayne's World). His mom is played by Mary Woronov, who fascinatingly was part of the whole Andy Warhol Factory scene.

That said, I don't feel this part that much. Any sequence with parents ripping posters off walls always stresses me out -- dude I would like those posters please! Damn. In any event, after being completely subdued by his parents, somehow or another Mike is suddenly out of his straitjacket. The rest of the band ties their lowrider to the bars on his windows and yanks the wall straight off the house, allowing him to escape and finish playing the song in concert with them. The concert sequences are also straight outta Decline Part I, albeit with the addition of a teacher, a priest, and some kind of creepy army officer. You know, the usual for metal videos that are complaining about school.

Okay, now that for one week at least I've done a legit post focusing on the video, it's time for the tangents. One, how can we forget that Suicidal Tendencies have a cameo doing this song on Miami Vice! I mean yes, not in the best episode ever (it's in "Free Verse"), but still. They would have fit in more in "Nobody Lives Forever," I think. In a similar-ish vein, let us not forget that this song is also in Repo Man. I know, it's punk, not metal, but it's still a good flick and a great soundtrack.

And of course, if you read this regularly, you can guess that I think Beavis and Butt-head's viewing of this clip is amazing. I love Beavis' constant agreement with Mike's narrative. Butt-head just yells "Shut up!", but Beavis goes right along, sometimes following the song and sometimes improvising -- "and I get all frustrated, and start kicking, and like burning things."

I also enjoy that Butt-head then parodies the kind of therapy-speak parodied in the song -- he tells Beavis, "I feel your pain." Butt-head finally gets Beavis to clam up by saying "About once a year they play something cool, and you have to talk through it." Then they both headbang through the end of the song. Now if I can somehow just headbang through the rest of the summer....

Scorpions, "Big City Nights"

2011-07-21T06:12:00.000-07:00

Summer Tour, Makes Me Feel Fine

THE VIDEO Scorpions, "Big City Nights," World Wide Live, 1985, Mercury

Click here to watch this video now!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Big city! / Big city nights! / you keep me run-nin!"

THE VERDICT Last year I made a concerted effort to do summertime videos, and I included this one from the Scorpions 'cause it's amazingly cheesy and less well-known, but thinking today about what would be a good summertime video this Scorps classic of course came to me right away.

I mean for sure, "Big City Nights" is a great song. Even more than other Scorpions tunes for me, it's lots of great almost-nonsense lyrics that are nonetheless very evocative. I'd say that "a long sweet minute" is one of my favorite expressions in all of heavy metal, and who knows what they're even talking about! Nonetheless, I would totally name my hypothetical memoir that.

I also appreciate that it's cool to hear a "touring is rad" song for a change, instead of the constant "touring is sooo hard, you guys" whine-fests we usually get. We know, we know, new city, same faces, riding around on the bus, pretending you miss some girlfriend/wife back home while you defile groupies. We get it. "Big City Nights" actually makes it seem like touring is pretty cool.

As does this video, made for their World Wide Live album/home video. It's shot a little bit all over the place, but mostly in good ol' SoCal! Two Los Angeles dates, a Costa Mesa date, and one at the San Diego Sports Arena! (All in April 1984.) The behind-the-scenes stuff though appears to have been shot all over the place -- you clearly see the Scorps on several different continents, and weirdly the only like shots where you can tell where they are in the U.S. are in Illinois (at the Rosemont Horizon).

You know the performance shots in this video have a lot from the Cali segments though, since at the end Klaus Meine thanks California and says we keep them "run-in-in-in-in-in-in." This makes me assume the beach scenes are in California, even if the skimpiness of the bathing suits and the level of tanning in these scenes makes me think Brazil. Then again, it was the 80s. These were the years of baby oil, not sunblock.

In general, I feel like the "Big City Nights" video is most memorable for being full of amazing 80s babes. I like that (also as per live video cliche) they cut together the footage of random women with random shots of the Scorpions playing live so it appears that, e.g., Matthias Jabs is reacting with a lecherous grin to a woman winking at the camera in a totally different place.

In addition to the beach babes (did they even know they'd wind up in a Scorpions video?), we also get to see the chicks who appear to be in the Scorpions' entourage. In particular there's this one woman who looks like a very 80s, very tarted up Sandra Bullock shows up in all the WWL vids, who appears to be Herman Rarebell's giflfriend. She's the sexy pool player in this one. I like though the woman in the background, reading House & Garden magazine while dressed like a dominatrix.

Though I feel like the bikini footage is kind of the most notable element of this clip, "Big City Nights" still does have tour video cliches. Think: the view through front window of bus, autograph signings, arena shots, sweaty fans, over-enthusiastic women making their way onto the stage, the band making their way to the stage, roadies testing equipment, hanging out backstage wearing towels, male fans who look like their passion in singing along is about to make them explode. I mean that guy toward the end is really excited to be singing along with this song.

And babes and other cliches aside, the thing we see the most is lots of shots of the Scorpions goofing around -- they always seem like fun and friendly guys in their videos, who've got a good sense of humor about themselves. I mean you can't get a camera near Rudy Schenker without him making a silly face.

They're all constantly horsing around though, whether they're waiting around a hotel lobby or boarding a plane. Weirdly we see Klaus Meine kind of the least in this footage, but he's always up to something, usually dancing. In one shot he's dancing with a flamenco dancer, in another, with a belly dancer.

And then of course, there is the actual live footage of the band. I like the WWL stage set -- it looks like a giant stereo from the 80s. Like think of the stereo that gets destroyed in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. It's sort of a lot of horizontal black stuff, but then the glowing colors -- shading from red to yellow to green -- look like equalizer bars.

You don't really see stereos looking like that any more do you? Hell, these days everything is just like, a big speaker with an iPod dock stuck on the top of it. I wonder if bands these days do stage sets that look like that (I mean hell, you know I don't know the answer to that one).

P.S.: It's as un-metal as it gets, but don't act like you don't get the reference in this title.

Def Leppard, "Me and My Wine"

2011-07-14T06:18:00.000-07:00

Would You Like Some Cheese With That?

THE VIDEO Def Leppard, "Me and My Wine," Bringin' on the Heartbreak (single), 1981, Mercury

Click here to watch this video now!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Me and the boys have been drinking / feelin' like this is the wrong time for thinking / all I can say is I'm doing fine / with just me and my wiiiiine"

THE VERDICT This very early Def Leppard video presents something of a mystery: Why on earth was a video made for a song that was a B-side for a single? (Particularly given that the contemporaneous video for its A-side, "Bringin' on the Heartbreak," is just a video of a live performance.) Why was it made late enough (1982 at least) to feature Phil Collen instead of Pete Willis, despite Pete playing on the track? And whose house is this, anyway?

Okay, so we're never going to know, though I will point out that this video is part of a great British tradition of making cheap videos at home, from the metal (Mama's Boys' version of "Mama Weer All Crazee Now", par exemplar) to the totally not-metal (Madness' "Our House", e.g.). It's funny, I feel like I should be talking about this video in British English and talking about estates and such, but then I would totally not know what I was talking about, so it wouldn't work. But I just want to put it out there. Anyway.

What's going on in this video? Well, we've got this sort of first-person camera going through this house, eventually into the bedroom, where it lands on lead singer Joe Elliott. Joe is sleeping in a sleeveless tee and suspenders, or he's trying to, anyway -- he's holding the pillow over his head, and all the lights are on and stuff. His alarm goes off, and he smashes the clock with the mallet he apparently keeps on the ground next to his bed. O-kayyy. This makes the super-cute stuffed animal he has next to the clock fall over (my favorite part of the video for whatever reason), as well as toppling a statue of the Virgin Mary.

Though attempting to appear hungover, I have to say, the older the Def Leppard video, the better Joe looks to me. He looks super fit in this video, both in the British English sense and the American English sense. The house, however, is less so -- it's a total mess! We see a can of shaving cream shooting lather everywhere, and lots of of issues of Playboy are stashed about. Joe matches this with his grouchiness -- about the first third of the video is just him yelling at the camera.

Anyway, once Joe is up and around, he heads into the hallway where Rick Allen is banging a snare drum. Joe takes away his drumsticks, throwing them into the air. I should note that not only does Rick have both arms in this vid (obviously), he also looks realllly young -- you definitely are reminded of the whole "he joined the band when he was 15" thing.

Then Joe goes into the bathroom, where Phil Collen is playing in the tub -- playing guitar I mean, he's fully dressed. He also has weirdly long hair for him. I often think he looks kind of like Riff Raff from The Rocky Horror Picture Show, but especially so here. Anyway, Joe washes his face, and we can see Steve Clark and Rick Savage in the background through some windows (windows from the bathroom to the hallway? Or are they levitating outdoors? I'm not sure). Joe throws his towel over camera and heads downstairs.

On the stairs Joe somehow bumps into Phil, who has materialized from the shower to the stairwell. Oh, I should also mention that Joe is now brushing his teeth, though it looks like he forgot the toothpaste. He then pushes Rick S. and Steve out of the way as he reaches the bottom of the stairs.

Joe heads into the kitchen, which is a disaster, the messiest room yet. Though it's cleaner than this, one can't help but be reminded of the infamous "breakfast with Ozzy" scene in The Decline of Western Civilization, Part II (or maybe it's just that it's been a while since I've mentioned that one, and if you read this regularly you know I mention it all the time). For someone who's ostensibly hungover, Joe keeps moving aside the blinds and looking into the glaring sunlight -- no offense, but based on my experiences abroad, this video appears to have been shot on the sunniest day in England's history!

After spitting out whatever he was drinking -- when he poured it it appeared to be tea or coffee or something, but when he spat it out it looked to be just water -- Joe leaps into the living room, where the rest of the guys are already playing. Okay, it's not just Rick, everyone looks so young. Rick Allen is wearing what would undoubtedly today be a quite valuable ZZ Top baseball tee, while Rick Savage has on an artfully-cut white tee and sunglasses. Steve Clark looks super young, and his hair kind of looks like a dead animal (and I say this with love, 'cause Steve was always my favorite).

Another fascinating part of this video -- Rick's bass drum says "Deaf Leopard." Wow, seeing it spelled like that makes it look like kind of the worst band name ever. Not as bad as all those band names you see these days that are like crappy hipster sentences (you know who you are), but still, not a good band name.

Next thing you know, we're back in the bathroom. Rick is drumming on the toilet. No, not like, hitting the toilet with drumsticks. I mean he is sitting on the toilet while drumming. Steve and Phil are both playing guitar in the tub/shower, which is a bit steamy. Oh wait, I mean literally, there is fog in the air. Not like, they are taking a sexy shower together. Rick S. is sitting on the bathroom floor, leaning against the tub. Phil keeps messing with everyone, trying to play Steve's guitar and put his foot on Ric's shoulder.

Suddenly, Joe's back in bed, and the rest of the boys are back in the living room. Wait, now Joe's there as well. What's going on? Is Joe dreaming all this? Or has this just been edited with little regard for continuity? And how have I forgotten to mention 'til now that when they're in the living room, everyone else has real instruments, but Joe is singing into the handle of an upright vacuum cleaner? (See, shouldn't I be calling it a hoover or something?)

Now Joe's back in bed and pulling the sheets over his head. And now he's dunking his head in a sinkful of water! Dang, this song should've been called "Me and My Whine." No, just kidding Joe. The video ends with a zoom away from a face-making Joe to show the whole band standing in front of the house.

Dang, this is a weird video. Apparently it was very popular though during MTV's infancy, when they didn't just still play videos, they were grateful to have videos to play. For serious guys, I just got cable, and all MTV plays is reality shows about unfortunate teenagers (I mean who is seriously going to watch True Life: I Have Acne?). MTV2, which was created to have a channel where they still showed videos, seems to now be channeling the WB -- constant reruns of The Wayans Bros. and Martin. How long 'til I break down and get a more expensive package that nets me Vh-1 Classic? And then how long 'til I cancel that, since Vh-1 Classic is constantly showing movies and crap, and only shows videos during the overnight? SIGH.

Thanks to native Sheffielder Andy for requesting this one, and for pointing out that no matter what folks say, this clip is not an homage to The Young Ones, it's just an awesomely low-budget metal video!

Kix, "Blow My Fuse"

2011-07-07T07:07:00.000-07:00

Hometown Heroes

THE VIDEO Kix, "Blow My Fuse," Blow My Fuse, 1988, Atlantic

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Blow my fuse! / (Hey hey!) You got nothin' to lose / Blow my fuse! / I need a good shot, I can't give it to you"

THE VERDICT Okay, I know I swore last week that I would stop mailing it in. But please, guys, you've got to cut me some slack. I know it's summer, but I'm actually busier than ever, and even though my normal M.O. is to write posts weeks in advance, at some point I caught up with myself, and now here we are.

That said, I figured a not-quite-as-insanely-detailed-as-usual post was better than no post, so here's Kix. I've got to tell you -- back when all I really knew of Kix was "Don't Close Your Eyes," I was like, they're fine but, eh. Now that I'm much more familiar with the entire Kix oeuvre, I've got to say, they are like the best bar band you've never heard.

I mean yes, they sure do love to use sex metaphors that involve electricity and explosives, so much so that it's kind of weird. I mean if you really listen to this song, it's basically saying "short circuit me in bed." Is this a good idea? Sure, in the short term, I guess. But have Steve Whiteman et al. really thought through all these blown fuses? Then again, I guess they can just light a candle and like, go get a replacement at the hardware store, so. (Though what that would mean in terms of sexual metaphor, I'm not really sure.)

ANYWAY. I bring up the bar band thing 'cause this video, even though it's from an album pretty far down the line in Kix's career, is more or less a testament to the band's longstanding local following and tireless gig-playing in and around Baltimore. I think the girl at the beginning holding the Maryland "KIX FAN" license plate pretty much sums it up. I mean, what do you think of when you think of Baltimore? The Wire. Syphilis. Kix.

This video is split between two basic things going on. The more interesting footage, to my mind, is of Kix hanging out in and around Baltimore. Apparently they are mainly in a part of Baltimore literally known as "The Block" -- apparently a stretch of East Baltimore Street that's mostly strip clubs and related stuff.

In any event, in this video we see a lot of stuff that's hard to identify (a diner and a peep palace, in particular), but we also see prominently the signs for several establishments, most notably the Midway Bar, but also the Two O' Clock Club (which has an adorably retro sign for a strip club), Club Pussy Cat (yeah I couldn't find a link for this one that wasn't gonna take you straight out of the SFW zone), and a couple others.

In these montages, which all take place at night, we basically see the members of Kix hanging out in these different haunts, or in most cases, loitering outside them. They interact colorfully with the locals, who seem to consist of old men in various hats (knit cap, captain's hat), and then just a constant stream of moderately attractive women in high-waisted miniskirts and giant earrings. Hey, it was 1988. That's probably what I'd have been wearing had I had more say in my wardrobe back then.

And speaking of wardrobes... ooh, they taunt me with visions of a "Blow My Fuse" t-shirt in this video. If you read this regularly, you know I collect vintage metal tees, and man, in all my searching I've never run across a Kix tee. I'd be so stoked to find one. I actually just got back from a trip (the zillionth reason I'm behind on blogging) where I got a 1992 Slaughter The Wild Life tee (inexpensive and not too exciting) and a 1985 Mötley Crüe Theatre of Pain tee (very expensive and very exciting). I can't even imagine finding a Kix shirt though.

Actually, there's a bunch of Kix merch in this video. At one point, Steve has on sort of round John Lennon sunglasses that have the Kix logo on the lenses, and I think he may have a Kix backpatch on the back of the denim vest he's wearing. I should point out that, as always, Kix look amazing in this video. This is a band that has amazing style, and it seems to come so naturally -- they all kind of go in different directions, from t-shirts to sheer blouses, and yet it all works.

Oh wait, duh, I should mention -- this is what like, the bulk of the video is like, it's Kix playing live. Based on the size of the venue and how unbelievably enthusiastic the crowd is, I'd guess they're in Baltimore and this was a fan club call-out type deal to recruit audience members. I mean these people are stoked to see Kix, and they don't look like they're just waiting for them to play "Don't Close Your Eyes." Trust me, if that's the only Kix song you know, you're missing out -- and not just on all the weird electricity sex metaphors.

Helix, "Heavy Metal Love"

2011-06-30T06:40:00.000-07:00

Helix Comes to Frogtown

THE VIDEO Helix, "Heavy Metal Love," No Rest for the Wicked, 1983, EMI

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Heavy metal luh-uve / she's my heavy metal luh-uve" [Just say whatever you want, then say this next]

THE VERDICT If you get the title of this post right away, you rule. If you don't, allow me to explain the connection. The brawny blond in this video is none other than Sandahl Bergman, the female lead in the 1988 "Rowdy" Roddy Piper vehicle Hell Comes to Frogtown. If you haven't seen this movie, you must. True, it was Piper who led me to watch it (okay, technically who first led my fiance to put it in our Netflix queue -- is he the man for me or what?!), but Bergman's intriguing looks -- sort of like a poor man's Angela from Who's the Boss? -- and astonishing dance moves really steal the show.

Also stealing the show: Frog makeup, trying to figure out where in California the movie was shot, the very homemade costumes, and the fact that theRoddy Piper's mission is to impregnate a bunch of women in brightly-colored negligees in order to help the human species repopulate (talk about a Hot Rod!). Do we get a lot of close-ups of his crotch encased in a weird metal unit? Why yes, we do. Many times, in fact. Seriously, if you like bad sci-fi, or even if you just like heavy metal videos that look like bad sci-fi, this is a movie for you. There's not any metal, but there's a lot of homemade props, post-apocalyptic landscapes, and yes, brief nudity.

Anywayyy, attempting to research the folks in Hell Comes to Frogtown led me to Bergman, which led me to this particular Helix video. I can't figure out what's going on in this one, but honestly, try to figure out what's going on in any of them.

This one definitely isn't helped by the unbelievably poor lighting. Many metal videos are badly lit, but this one is badly lit even by metal video standards. This video predates the era of spotlight overload, but most of the light here appears to be coming from a lit-up Helix logo. There's so much fog going on it almost feels like the camera that shot this has glaucoma.

Helix appear to be playing in a vacant lot with like, apartment buildings being built on either side of it (this is my best guess). Something about it being low-budget, or maybe Canadian, or vaguely sci-fi is really giving me a serious Mystery Science Theater 3000 vibe (I know, something I often get). I'm thinking here of one in particular that's not coming to me, but something like Warrior of the Lost World or City Limits.

Most of this video is Helix just playing the song, not even really moving around, shot from just one camera (if that's not a signal of a low budget, I don't know what is). But we also see a very muscular and oily Ms. Bergman standing in a poorly lit area, flexing and like, bending things. Let's just say it's no dance of the three snakes, but it'll have to do.

Actually, it's kind of like the "Manhunt" dance from Flashdance in costume, attitude, and execution. She's got all these chains and tools and stuff in there with her, but thanks to all the fog and the dim lighting I can't really tell what she's doing with it.

Oh my gosh. Okay. Apparently, she is building a dude in there. I'm not kidding. It looks like a golem (as opposed to Gollum -- I've neither read nor seen any Lord of the Rings, but I still feel like this is an important clarification to make). I mean it's like a giant gray dude who looks like he's made of metal or clay or something, breathing out steam like a freakin' dragon. So let me get this straight: This ripped, oily, mulleted woman, who is bending metal rods in a chain-filled foggy room is so uninterested in Helix that she decides to just DIY it? Weird. I mean the song is all "she's my heavy metal love," implying Bergman is said love, but it looks like she's built herself her own love. Out of heavy metals. Literally.

The end of this video features much jumping around by lead singer Brian Vollmer, who to this point had been constrained by just having to stand around and make crazy faces at the camera. He's no Diamond Dave, but what can you do. The video then ends, having totally not resolved what's going on with Bergman and the metal guy, with the weird goggled dude from the beginning and that lit-up Helix sign again. He reminds me of Randee of the Redwoods, who coincidentally back in the day I thought was David Lee Roth (what can I say, I was a little kid!).

P.S.: I know, this post is so short, and I actually have a backlog of requests right now, but I am uncharacteristically working last-minute rather than weeks in advance, and decided it was smarter to do what I can than to (gasp!) miss a week. I promise to be back on top of blogging soon!

Ratt, "You Think You're Tough"

2011-06-23T06:30:00.000-07:00

The Leftovers

THE VIDEO Ratt, "You Think You're Tough," Ratt [EP], 1983, Atlantic

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC: "You think you're tough! / harder than stone / you think you're tough! / your talk's gettin' old"

THE VERDICT: Pull out your microwave and get ready to do some reheating, 'cause this video is seriously the leftovers -- bits and pieces of all the other things Ratt has done to date. Sure, the result is pretty yummy, but for the most part, this isn't stuff that's that new!

The bits and pieces of this video are held together with a framing device of Stephen Pearcy driving around in a dark red Rolls Royce convertible with a TV in it. I love how 80s cars with TVs in them, the TV is like the televisual equivalent of a Zack Morris phone. Stephen seems to control the TV via a keypad next to it that looks like a calculator. He also has what appears to be just a regular phone that's been installed in a car. It doesn't actually look like a car phone, I mean the thing is white!

Anyway, Stephen turns on his little TV to Warren DeMartini's solo from "Round and Round," where he falls through the ceiling onto the dining table. We actually hear the song play too, which I like. It's a common device in videos -- Poison especially do it a lot on their first album. Sort of like, "Remember? We're the guys who did 'Round and Round.'" He then clicks to "Wanted Man." Then suddenly the TV goes to static, and in the first of many cameos, it's Ozzy! Screaming at the camera with a white rat on his shoulder. You know, of course.

The Ozzy bit transitions into some of the only footage that is 100% original to this video, of the guys playing around backstage. I looove this kind of stuff. Like as much as I know it's contrived, Stephen dancing around and squirting toothpaste in the air is almost just like, too much joy for me.

We also get to go behind the scenes at a Ratt photo shoot. Warren... oh Warren. I want to be like "Smoking's bad kids" (and it is, I don't smoke, and I don't want you to think I do) but damn does he make it look good. We also get cameo #2 as Tommy Lee shows up and takes some pics with the boys.

There's also on-stage stuff mixed in, but most of it is very generic footage -- i.e., Ratt aren't necessarily doing this song. Lots of just like, rushing around, scarf swinging, and guitar jabbing. Stephen may not be fifty, but he sure likes to stretch and kick.

They also do this not-very-special special effect that I'm not even sure how to describe. It's as if they've taken the film, photocopied it, then painted it in with just a few bright colors in sort for sort of a poor man's Warhol.

Stephen drives around LA, spotting a Marilyn Monroe look-alike outside Grauman's Chinese Theatre. Okay, well, I use the term "lookalike" loosely here. He sees a blonde in a white dress, how 'bout that. She blows him a kiss and waves, and he does his patented Stephen Pearcy finger-point-plus-duck-face move. In case we don't get it, there's also a clip of Marilyn Monroe's hand and heel-prints in the cement outside.

Ahh!! Now Warren (wearing the world's ugliest yellow windbreaker) is calling Stephen on his car phone!! And somehow, even though Warren is calling from a payphone, his image appears on Stephen's car TV. It's like the world's crappiest Skype session, minus computer technology. In other news, Stephen's giant white car phone continues to amuse. also, I just realized that it's like, been a while since I mentioned how hot Warren is, so allow me to mention it again. Warren is super hot!

You know though, I have to put in that Stephen has amazing style. Yeah, his hair's a bit girly, and the Bret Hart sunglasses aren't doing him too many favors (it's hard to tell if I actually like them, or I just like them for reminding me of the Hitman), but overall, that boy can dress. He's got a feathered earring in his left ear, and an ear cuff midway up his right ear. He's also got piles of different silver bracelets on each arm, and in the concert footage is wearing literally the most artfully ripped t-shirt I've ever seen. Kudos, Stephen.

Anyway, back to the video. I guess Warren was fake-skyping Stephen to get him to pick them up, since now the rest of Ratt are piling into the convertible. Somehow Bobby Blotzer gets shotgun, with the other guys hopping into the back. Well, they made the right call, as now Juan, Robbin, and Warren are sitting up on top of the backseat waving their arms around while Bobby just sits up in the front like a chump, so. Oh, no wait, now everyone else is sitting down, but Bobby is standing up and miming drumming. Now Juan's in the front, singing straight at the camera. He also has Bret Hart glasses.

Dang, this is getting pretty long, isn't it. Okay, I'll just focus on the high points, like Stephen signing something for a girl who is wearing an amazing t-shirt which features Stephen's almost life-size face on it. We also must mention that Ozzy's back, and appears to be in drag -- he's wearing lipstick and a floral housedress, standing in a garden holding a youngish girl -- either Aimee or Kelly, I'm not sure based on the age. We also get a quick repeat of Tommy Lee and Nikki Sixx's big reveal in "Back for More," I guess they wanted to make sure they got maximum mileage out of that footage. Ooh, then we get a new cameo! It's Carmine Appice, hanging out backstage with the boys.

And speaking of backstage, you've got to love all the backstage "getting ready" shots. These boys have a lot of makeup in there, and I don't mean the 70s KISS kind. I mean the 80s KISS kind -- eye shadow, lipstick, etc.

The end of this video only gets more random. There's a sequence with -- I'm not sure if I should call them dolls or puppets -- being waved out the window of a car. One of them is definitely a Stephen puppet, the other one is hard to get a positive ID on. We also get an actual, new Nikki Sixx cameo, Ozzy ripping off his shirt, and another dude I don't recognize (he looks Japanese, but is not one of the guys in Loudness).

And then when you think it can't get weirder, the video transitions from the boys singing in their convertible to suddenly being all patriotic, with pics of the Statue of Liberty and the flag. This fades into a sunset, which then (of course) turns out to be an image on Stephen's little car TV. It transitions into concert footage and then static flickers before the whole thing fades out.

The thing that's interesting though is this song is also a bit of a sonic leftover. If you've ever heard Ratt songs that from when they're still called "Mickey Rat" (a nod to Mickey Mouse, though wouldn't Ricky Rat have made the connection more obvious?), this is more or less what they sound like. Wayyy less polished, way less glam. I mean it actually sounds like they crawled out of the cellar!

Such is the way with this track, which though many people know it from their Ratt & Roll 8191 compilation, is from their 1983 debut EP which is notable for a) being awesome but also for b) having seriously amazing, like frame-worthy cover art (despite the fact that I'm pretty sure those are large mice, not rats). None of their other albums measure up, artwork-wise.

The video though is from 1985, sort of filling the gap after Out of the Cellar and paving the way for the clips from Invasion of Your Privacy. So it actually is a leftover song, with leftover clips from other videos and just a little bit of new stuff -- it's like the day after Thanksgiving! And luckily, like the day after Thanksgiving, it's actually pretty tasty.

Iron Maiden, "Wasted Years"

2011-06-16T06:59:00.000-07:00

In Retrospect...

THE VIDEO Iron Maiden, "Wasted Years," Somewhere in Time, 1986, Capitol

Click here to watch this video Now!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Sooooh-oooooh-ooooh / under-sta-a-and / don't waste your time always searching for those was-ted years! / Face up, make your sta-a-and / and re-a-lize you're living in the gol-den years!"

THE VERDICT Some people think this song is really cheesy, but you know me -- I love me some inspirational metal. I have two reasons I wanted to talk about this video, but first, well, let's talk about the video. What happens here?

Well, the video for "Wasted Years" is a mix of stuff -- remember that Somewhere in Time shows Eddie as sort of a badass futuristic space dude, so the entire video is framed with this sort of artwork of it being played on screens in Eddie's space ship. But that's only at the very end. For most of the video, we just see footage of the band performing more or less for each other in a dark, empty space. Unlike Iron Maiden's usual video staging -- with if not a real arena stage, then a fake one, here the boys are just hanging out, a la Tesla. They play the song sort of facing in toward each other, in a loose circle.

That's the least interesting part of the video though. More interesting are all the nostalgic Iron Maiden stuff woven all through it. First, there are the old photos of the band. We see them posing in different parts of the world (Japan, Brazil, Poland), and lots of them -- especially Dave Murray -- wearing silly hats, making silly faces, silly poses, etc. There's even a sequence of photos of their crew members and management -- it's a family affair here in this video.

Also in the mix are behind-the-scenes footage of the band, some of which appears to be a photo shoot, but more generally seeming to show their hobbies. We see them all playing ~~soccer~~ football. Weirdly, we don't see anything to do with Bruce Dickinson and planes, but we do see him practicing archery and fencing.

Another theme woven throughout this video is footage from Iron Maiden's other videos. They mix in brief clips of a bunch of stuff, most notably "Run to the Hills", "The Number of the Beast", "The Trooper", "2 Minutes to Midnight", and "Aces High." There are also bits of live footage -- some of this might be from other videos, but I mostly don't recognize it. In any event, it shows off their epic stage sets to very good effect. I think my favorite is a giant, mummified Eddie shooting sparks out of his eyes as part of the Powerslave sphinx Eddie stage set.

My very most favorite part of this video though is all the montages of Derek Riggs' artwork. These are so, so cool. You get to see the evolution of Eddie, from a Edvard Munch-inspired-looking wraith to a very stylized sort of skinless dude. I like that the montages go forward in time and sort of build up as they go, leading to a mega-montage that introduces Adrian Smith's solo. (Adrian, btw, wrote this song, but I love that despite this, Steve Harris sings along while he plays as he always does.) It's basically the Eddie from each of their singles, and to see them all together rules.

So okay, why did I want to talk about this song? Well, we'll do the deeper one first. Lately I have really been in an introspective, reflective mood. Though you can tell obviously from this blog I am big into nostalgia, lately I feel like for the first time in my life I am really looking to the future. Until recently, I feel like I've been one of those people who's always like, "oh, this was when things were cool or my life was good or whatever," and kind of going over things like that constantly.

But lately, I'm finding a shift in myself toward a more present-focused orientation. I feel like it's probably a really healthy thing. So anyway, yeah, while I can't relate to the parts of this song that are about being on tour (which as metal bands are always having to remind us, is just soul-suckingly hard), lately I find I can really relate to the chorus. Is it cheesy? Yes. But does a little metal motivation ever hurt? No. I'm busting out Oprah-style bitches, living my best life!

The other reason I thought to do this song is because of something amazing that happened to me recently. I was out shopping for clothes, which I only buy used (that's a whole other long story). Anyway, I was on the very last rack of t-shirts, hadn't really found much, just some stuff that was maybe okay for work, when suddenly, I found... an Iron Maiden 1982 "The Beast On Tour" t-shirt in mint vintage condition. You guys, when I saw that thing, it was like, you know the parts in Requiem for a Dream when the people do drugs, and they do all those quick cuts of like different stuff happening, and their pupils going all big and whatnot? It was like that.

I mean this shirt is approximately a vintage size small (it just fits me, and I'm a pretty small girl), baseball-style tee with a tan body, camo-printed sleeves, and Eddie artwork on the front and back. The front has circular artwork of Eddie stabbing a Union Jack into a globe, and the Maiden logo. The back has the Maiden logo with circular art of Eddie leaning casually against the flag pole, and says "The Beast On Tour 1982." Nineteen-eighty-effing-two! This shirt is almost 30!

I had seen one other shirt like this with the camo sleeves, and it was framed and hanging on a wall in a vintage store. This one, on the other hand, was $36. I bought it immediamente, practically hyperventilating I was so excited. To put this event in perspective, my fiance and I also bought wedding bands that day, and I'm calling people like "You're not going to believe what happened to me! I found an Iron Maiden tee from 1982!!"

I've worn it once, but I am probably going to have to mostly keep it on ice. Why? Well, because once we were home, my fiance went online to look at similar shirts, and find out what they sell for. We couldn't find my exact one (Iron Maiden made a lot of tees back in the day), but it turns out similar ones sell for like $500 - $1,000. What?!!? Now I know, like my mom always says, it's only worth that much if someone will actually pay you that much much for it, and I definitely don't intend to sell it, but still. I'm pretty sure it's easily the most valuable shirt in my collection, though I haven't taken the time to actually figure this out.

In any event, that got me on a big Maiden kick. And given that my other Maiden shirt is a 1987 "Somewhere on Tour" tee (which I bought at the Salvation Army in 2001 for 99 cents!), I wound up at this album. And since, like I said, I am just crushing it lately and living in the moment, here we are with "Wasted Years." And yeah, I am living in the golden years. (And not just because of the t-shirt stuff!)

Ozzy Osbourne, "Crazy Babies"

2011-06-09T06:41:00.000-07:00

Mary-Kate and Ozzy

THE VIDEO Ozzy Osbourne, "Crazy Babies," No Rest for the Wicked, 1989, Epic

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Nobody's gonna change them, change them / they've gone over the to-o-op / nobody's gonna tame them, tame them / they're never gonnaaaa sto-o-op"

THE VERDICT This is seriously such a weird song, even for Ozzy. Admittedly, No Rest for the Wicked is far from my favorite Ozzy album. I know I am in the extreme minority by being a Jake E. Lee partisan, but whatever, I am. In any event though, "Crazy Babies" is somehow like the cornerstone of this album -- the cover art even comes from the video.

That said, I'm not sure why this song was even a single (not that I really like any of the singles from this album). Still the song and video are really the shape of things to come for Ozzy. "Crazy Babies" is much closer to how Ozzy's going to sound from here on out. I feel like it's the bridge from "Breakin' All the Rules" (which sounds for all intents and purposes like it came from The Ultimate Sin) into the Zakk Wylde era. Indeed, this is one of our first glimpses of Zakk -- it's before he's gotten super-hot, he's kind of got weird bangs, but still, there he is.

I don't know if this video is necessarily indicative of future Ozzy videos, but it does give us a preview of what are upcoming trends in heavy metal videos. One, we've got the use of this sort of Yves Klein blue backdrop (here with black and white in front of it). Give it a year or two, and this is going to start to show up everywhere, from Queensryche's "Silent Lucidity" to Alice Cooper's "Poison" to Ozzy's own "No More Tears."

In the performance stuff , this is also our first metal video glimpse of this shaky/shadowy camera technique (I wish I knew the word for it!) that we associate most prominently with Metallica's "Enter Sandman." You know, where you sort of see several images at once, almost like a bunch of still frames with a bit of a lag, so you see several at once. It's a camera technique I associate way more with thrash metal, but here it is with Ozzy.

Last, there's the grainy black and white footage. This isn't entirely new, but it's worth pointing out, since you usually only see it used to convey as sense of being "backstage" or "behind the scenes," a la the grainy black and white in "Sweet Child O' Mine" or "Wanted: Dead or Alive." Dang, these guys don't often come up with new visual tropes, do they!

It's also our first peek at the Olsen twins' bohemian/homeless style. No, just kidding, it's not Mary-Kate and Ashley. But for real, don't the two main girls in the video (not the creeper with the heavy bangs, but the other two) seriously look like MK and A? I mean, not so much how they looked at the time, but if you just knew what the Olsen twins look like now, wouldn't you assume when they were younger they'd have looked like this? Long, dirty hair, giant anime-style eyes, grungy, shapeless clothes? I mean these are all those girls' current signatures!

How they came up with the concept for this video -- shaky cam of Ozzy and the band mixed with the faux Olsen twins cozying up to a giant snake -- we'll never know. And then it winds up as the album art! I mean I guess their other option was the creepy mask from "Miracle Man," so.

Still, based on that video, I'm surprised we didn't wind up with some kind of faux-church or stained glass type motif on the cover instead of Ozzy sitting around with some creepy little girls. Or yeah, like Ozzy with a bunch of pigs. Or just pigs in church. Whatever, it just seems like "Miracle Man" has more happening that seems album-cover-ish than this clip does.

What this song is even about, we'll never know. I mean the constant repetition of "nobody gonna change them, change them" in a song about babies. I know, I know -- I'm sure "babies" is more just a turn of phrase here than like, literal infants. But I'm sorry, that makes it sound like they are just walking around with fully-loaded diapers! Gee-ross. Ozzy, what were you thinking?

Then again, that's basically what I was thinking when I picked to do this video now. I guess I've finally hit that age where I suddenly go from knowing like, one person my age with a kid to knowing, well, pretty much everyone but me. Well, not everyone, but a lot -- it's now been like two years since I could say no one I knew was currenly pregnant, and this spring in particular there has been a bumper crop of babies among my friends.

So this video is dedicated to the very recently born Charlotte and Emme, the slightly less recently born Max and Tabitha, and ~~the any-day-now baby-to-be~~ Sam! Hopefully somebody is going to change you, change you, at least in the diaper department.

Krokus, "School's Out"

2011-06-02T06:52:00.000-07:00

Another School Year Bites the Dust

THE VIDEO Krokus, "School's Out," Change of Address, 1985, Arista

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Schooooool's out! For! Summah! / Schoooooool's out! For! Evahhh!"

THE VERDICT Ohhh Alice Cooper. Why couldn't you have made a video for this song? Sure, probably not back in the day, but why not even something more recent? I'd take anything to make me avoid Krokus. Oh Krokus. Why do you torture me so, with your refusal to write your own songs, and your dogged determination to make mediocre singles out of great ones? Sigh.

But whatever, I'll take it, because indeed, school's (nearly) out for summer! Yes, I've still got grading to do, but I taught my last class of the year on Tuesday and people, I am stoked. I love teaching, but I am so ready for some time off from it. This song (well, the Alice Cooper version) is always on my mind this time of year. My one year-ending tradition is every year on the last day I go to campus I wear an ultra-cheesy Juicy Couture tee that says "School's Out for Summer" in giant, flocked navy blue letters (and yeah, the tee itself is like coral pink). And that concludes more detailed personal information than I've given you all about me in probably a year or so.

Anyway! So Alice never made a video for this song, but of course Krokus made an abominably cheesy one. Luckily though, this video's actually pretty light on the Krokus, and heavier on everything else. Possibly 'cause they didn't want us to notice that the band appears to only own like one set of rock star clothing, and Marc Storace's fugly red unitard from "Burning Up the Night" is pretty distinctive. So anyway, we get way more plot (or well, "plot") in this video than we do footage of the band performing on a fake stage.

Krokus basically take us to visit classrooms of many lands. We start off in an empty classroom, which becomes what I think of as the U.S. public school classroom in this video. Bored looking, mostly white teenagers dressed in the uniforms of various 80s subcultures (e.g. metal kids, valley girls), being lectured to by a youngish male teacher.

We also get what I assume is meant to be an Arab classroom -- it's all male (teacher and students), and the students are all wearing Muslim-style robes and, in some cases, headdresses. Our other international classroom is I believe meant to be either China or Japan. My guess is China though, due to the very Communist Russia-looking outfits everyone has on and the spartan classroom.

The last place we go is the one I think of as the prep school, which could be meant to be the U.S. again or, going with their international flavor, England. I call this one the prep school because these mostly white kids, in contrast to the first group, are in uniform -- white shirts with little neckties. They're being taught by an old woman who waves a ruler at them while she speaks. I have to say here, I'm really surprised Krokus didn't go with a Catholic school for this one, and a full-on nun. It just seems like their style.

Anyway, each classroom features one student who is wearing headphones and rocking out to Krokus -- a metal guy in the public school, a boy air-drumming with rulers in the Arab school, a girl with two braids in the Asian school, and a blonde girl with one braid in the prep school. It takes a thought bubble over the head of a stoner-ish looking guy rocking indoor sunglasses in the public school though to transition us into seeing Krokus perform.

As mentioned, Krokus are basically in their usual empty stage space. Bunch of lights, implied crowd at front, not a lot going on. They're all wearing their best white pleather, save for Storace's red polyester and Fernando Von Arb, who's wearing sort of lilac purple. They do lots of synchronized guitar waving while the different kids wearing headphones sing along with the verses.

Oh yeah, the stoner kid also gives us the weirdest moment of the video. At one point, he is staring into space, looking at a supply closet/chest type thing on one side of the classroom. Suddenly, a woman in a black bikini appears lounging on top of it. She smiles and winks at him, and he pulls his sunglasses down, making a shocked face. Just as quickly, she disappears, and he breaks the fourth wall, giving the camera a "Did you just see that?!" face. So random.

The plot of the video, such as it is, is school letting out in each of these different classrooms. Every time this happens, chaos immediately ensues, and everyone throws their papers into the air (and sometimes even pushes their desks over). In the public school classroom, they even go so far as to grab the teacher and drag him out of there. Is this really what school letting out is like for anyone? It definitely wasn't for me. Sometimes I think I remember it happening, but I'm really just remembering the beginning of Dazed and Confused. I dunno, maybe it's 'cause I went to private school from seventh grade on, but I don't remember people being that excited when I was in public school either.

For the first chorus, the public school and the Asian school let out. A trio of the public school girls (one wearing a Wham! "Choose Life" shirt) walking down some stairs sing the first round of "No more pencils, no more boo-ooks." They're followed by some of their rowdier classmates, carrying their struggling teacher. We then cut to fans watching Krokus perform -- I believe we're meant to get that the kids from these different school scenes are then there watching Krokus, though I can only pick out kids from the public school and the prep school in the crowd sequences. Guess they didn't want people to think Krokus were too down with Arabs or (assuming it's China) communists.

Ugh, Marc Storace. He barely gets out the line "we can't even think of a word that rhymes." And this red get-up is making him look even shorter. I almost feel bad for him when he does air guitar. He's sort of like the Michael Scott of heavy metal. Well, minus the likeability. But if it ever comes up, I could totally see him being played by Steve Carell.

Okay, for the second chorus the Arab school and the prep school let out, and for the "No more pencils" bit, we get three prep school girls. As they leave the school, they remove their little neckties, causing Von Arb to blow a kiss. Ewww. The other students behind them seem much more orderly. No more teacher-kidnapping. We then go to some wide shots meant to imply it's a huge crowd watching Krokus perform. Krokus, I'm unconvinced.

In short, Krokus, you are no Y&T when it comes to making funny high school videos. This gives me the idea though -- I wish I were good at this kind of thing, but I know nothing about video editing. But it would be amazing to edit together all the nonexistent 80s teen movie bits from metal videos into some kind of amazing trailer for a mega-metal 80s teen movie. Dang, that would rule. Like I said, I don't have the editing chops to do it myself, but if anyone's up to the challenge, I'd be happy to consult.

Van Halen, "(Oh) Pretty Woman"

2011-05-26T07:03:00.000-07:00

Cowboys and Tarzans and Napoleon, Oh My!

THE VIDEO Van Halen, "(Oh) Pretty Woman," Diver Down, 1982, Warner Bros.

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Oh you look love-ly, as you could beee / are you lonely just, like meeeeeee? / [Growl]"

THE VERDICT Van Halen's first video that isn't just performance taped for Musikladen or one of those kinds of shows, and zoinks, it's a total WTF-fest. I find a lot of people aren't familiar with it unless they're either a) serious David Lee Roth fans or b) serious viewers of Vh-1 classic, since MTV wouldn't air it back in the day. Considering that by their fourth album you'd assume Van Halen were making decent music video money, this low-budget weird-off makes no sense. Seriously, it's like the Manos, The Hands of Fate of music videos.

Lord only knows where this was filmed. I'm guessing it's winter in California -- there aren't leaves on the trees, but there are leaves on everything else, and it looks sunny but kinda cold, so we'll go with SoCal winter. The main action appears to take place in I don't even know what -- a ghost town? A long-abandoned girl-scout camp? Seriously, I've got nothing here.

But wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. I should note that in a bizarre touch, the video starts not just with the camera panning around this strange landscape, but also by establishing what we're watching (something you almost never see, except in much later high-end rap videos, where it's usually meant more to imitate movies). First we see "Van Halen" written in giant stone letters, a la Monty Python's Life of Brian logo. Then we get "in", done in Western-looking rope letters. Finally, "Pretty Woman," done tiki-style. It gives us some idea of the narrative consistency to come.

With the song's lengthy instrumental opening, we move through this weird empty town (or whatever it is) to find a very slim woman in a white dress, nylons, gold heels, and a white headband who has been bound by her hands between two posts. She's struggling, and being aggressively fondled by a pair of little men who appear to be clad in red long underwear. I want to say this is the weirdest part of the video, but honestly it's probably not. It is, however, the part that MTV was not down with at the time.

We then go inside one of the shacks, where the midget bondage action is playing on a TV set that's covered in sort of security guard detritus (a bunch of empty coffee cups, what appears to be a plate of partially-eaten chicken). There's a little Quasimodo-type guy dressed in colorful clothing watching the TV from across the room. He jumps up and races toward the camera, and we see him bending in to twist knobs (as if we were behind the TV's screen). Some people claim it's David Lee Roth playing the hunchback, but I think that's just 'cause both make exaggerated faces.

The hunchback sort of freaks out and spins across his little garbage-strewn room (which is illuminated by a bare light bulb -- weird that it's this crap-looking but still has full-color surveillance capabilities, isn't it?). He climbs up a very rustic-looking ladder -- apparently he has a better view of the lady being tortured from his second floor than he does from his TV. He runs back downstairs and -- of course -- gets on the phone. 'Cause yeah, even though based on the buildings' appearances this place wouldn't even have running water, but yeah, they have electricity and phone service.

Who ya gonna call? (Oh crap, now I'm gonna have the Ghostbusters theme stuck in my head all day. Whatever, I've brought it on myself.) Anyway he calls Michael Anthony, who's elaborately dressed as a Samurai. This video is Michael Anthony's golden hour. Normally he kind of reminds me of George Costanza, but in this video he is almost reminiscent of Chris Pratt. And not of Chris Pratt as Che, the final nail in The O.C.'s coffin, but as Andy Dwyer, the swoon-worthy buffoon on my beloved Parks and Recreation.

Anyway, Michael Anthony is standing next to a concrete wall and a bored-looking palomino horse, practicing swinging his sword around and yelling. He notices his phone -- since of course, he has a phone right there as well -- and picks up, we assume talking to the hunchback. He puts on a hat and heads for the horse.

Next Quasimodo calls Alex Van Halen. Wow. Now speaking of being in your magic hour. This video is definitely Alex's finest moment. He looks like some kind of sexy Jeff Goldblum here, glad in a tiger-skin loincloth. He's squatting on top of a zebra skin in a reed hut, surrounded by random bones and, naturally, a phone. He's also wearing aviator sunglasses and a big necklace. Alex picks up the phone, doesn't say anything, and just throws the phone aside, runs out of his hut, and gives a big Tarzan yell.

We then cut to Eddie Van Halen, already on the phone. He's a cowboy, sitting beside the remains of a campfire. Eddie has on a Richie Sambora-style black, flat-top cowboy hat, a red bandanna, black vest, one black glove (why?), and what appear to be black leather pants. He finishes his call, throws his cigarette into the fire, and then his stunt double does some gun-twirling (I mean, if Ed were doing it himself, we'd probably see more than just his hand in the shot, right?).

And speaking of stunt doubles -- we then see "Michael Anthony" riding his horse. Later we also get shots of "Eddie Van Halen" riding his horse through some water -- they don't mess around here, putting a bandanna over the rider's face. But we must set that aside for a moment, because, at last, David Lee Roth has entered the video.

And of course, is Diamond Dave squatting outside in the dirt? Oh hell no. He is sitting at a long tale in a fancy, formal dining room, and he is dressed as (naturally) Napoleon Bonaparte. He's writing in a ledger with a feather pen when suddenly he pauses, and -- we cut to Alex running through a field. Oh, but then we're back with Dave. He's making a studiedly expressionless face while on the phone. And his phone is red -- he couldn't even have the same phone as the other guys. Dave stands up, and then we see him walking through his giant house, which has an elaborate checkerboard floor.

Suddenly, it's night, and the lady in white is still battling the little people. One is now wearing sunglasses and a Native American feathered headdress, while the other has on a cape and a top hat. Eddie, Alex, and Michael simultaneously walk up to face this little scene. Their arrival greatly alarms the little people, who let the woman go momentarily. Somehow in the confusion of all these reaction shots, the woman is suddenly untied, though she doesn't run toward the band, she just kind of jumps around.

Next thing you know, a white stretch limo comes roaring in through the fog (which has also mysteriously suddenly appeared). The Quasimodo guy (who was driving it?) runs around to open the passenger door, and of course, you know it's Dave. Too good for a black phone, too good for a horse. I know I sound like I'm being harsh on DLR, but if you read this at all regularly, you know the man is like my patron saint, so I say these things in love.

Dave looks at everyone else in the band, then sort of makes this lascivious chin jerk at the camera. Even keeping as much of a straight face as he does in this video, Dave still manages to throw off a slut vibe. Then he turns, somewhat alarmed.

Why? Because we've hit what may be the weirdest part of the video. The untied woman runs toward him, and as she does, she pulls off her hair and headband -- apparently it was a wig. Not only that, but her face is ghastly pale, and her eyes appear sunken. She walks toward the camera, smirks, and -- so wait, is she dead? Is she a zombie? No wait, on closer examination -- is that a dude? WTF is up with this video?

So, so many questions, and basically no answers. If I had to put where I liked this video, I'd still put it behind the late version Roy Orbison made (since obviously music videos weren't a thing in 1964), but well ahead of the Julia Roberts hooker-princess movie.

P.S.: It was either this title or "Oh Bondage, Up Yours!", and quite frankly, I get enough hits from people searching for porn as it is.

Y&T, "Contagious"

2011-05-19T06:28:00.000-07:00

It's Prom Season!

THE VIDEO Y&T, "Contagious," Contagious, 1987, David Geffen Company

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "(Ohhhh, ohhhh-ohhhh, ohhhhh, ohhhh) / Ooh, is gettin' dangerous, it's con-tayyyy-jus!" [Repeat repeatedly]

THE VERDICT Now I know for people who are serious about their Y&T, Contagious is more or less the band's death rattle. But for people like me who are decidedly unserious, well, get ready for a shocker -- I freakin' love this song. I know, right? Me? Y&T? Who'da thunk it? But apparently while a slick production, soaring vocals, and chanting don't work for Y&T diehards, for me it can't work better. I listen to this song all the time -- it's a staple in all my workout mixes. I don't think they sound like Bon Jovi wannabes (Bon-nabes?) at all -- I just think they sound hella good.

And the video! Oh the video. This is truly Y&T at their finest. It's like they've taken all the elements of their previous videos -- young protagonists, bad 80s movie feel, Airplane-esque sight gags, transformations, and so on -- and melded them into one ultra, mega, mecha Y&T video. They really outdo themselves on this one, folks. And I love it. (I think for this whole post, just imagine me talking to you as if I were Will Ferrell doing James Lipton.)

The video kicks off with a random kid riding a skateboard down the sidewalk, and then a shot of a slick-looking 80s guy in a tux cruising in a convertible (he's basically the James Spader of this video). The skateboarding kid (who's wearing a Y&T tee, btw) gives the convertible dude two thumbs up. As the guy stops in front of a little bungalow-style house, the non-Meniketti members of Y&T pop up for the first round of "Hey!"s.

We then see James Spader's date -- an attractive 80s blonde in a white strapless dress. You know the type -- pearl necklace, french twist, hot in a bitchy way. Yes, she's more or less the Jessica Wakefield of this video (I know, this is a link to the newest iteration of the Sweet Valley gals, but what can I say, it was hard to find a representative pic from back in the day). The guys in Y&T smile and step away from the camera as she leaves her house. As Jessica leaves the frame, we get our first glimpse of the video's protagonist -- a classic 80s movie nerd in a striped suit and heavy-framed, thick glasses.

Hmm, what should we call him... So many options for 80s movie nerds, from Revenge of the Nerds to Weird Science to... oh my gosh, you know what movie I watched the other day 'cause it was on Netflix Watch Instantly? Zapped, with Scott Baio.

I forgot how amazingly weird that one is. It's sort of like a really non-scary horror movie that's kind of a comedy. Also, I think previously I'd always watched it on the USA Network (always such a good source of bad teen movies during the daytime when you were on school breaks) I hadn't realized how much toplessness there is in it. Dude, there's a freakin' ton. All right, this nerd here is reminding me of Scott Baio, because he's got that "I'm not really a nerd, I am just being made to act and dress this way" vibe, so I'm inclined to call him Chachi. But I think that's too confusing, so let's just go with Screech.

Screech swoons seeing Jessica all dolled up. Meanwhile, Y&T are lurking nearby, plotting something. We see Jessica leaving from what I assume is her house, while Screech (with his pants pulled up well past the navel) is leaving from a house next door labeled "Alpha Chapter Chess Club." Whatever Y&T, we get it, he's a nerd. No need to over-establish things here. Jessica hops into James Spader's car, and Screech (standing next to an old-school bicycle) waves enthusiastically at her from beside his porch. Jessica and Spader exchange a look, and she rolls her eyes. Screech becomes embarrassed, and the power couple drives off.

This makes 3/4 of Y&T, who appear to have been hiding in the bushes the whole time, totally crack up. Screech takes off on his bike, but he's quickly stopped by Dave Meniketti himself grabbing his handlebars and singing in his face. They pull Screech off his bike (which one member of Y&T helpfully rolls out of the way), and at last, we've got all four guys in Y&T. Two drive up in a powder blue convertible (license plate 'SLICKER') while the other two toss Screech into the car. They drive off, with both guys in the front seat turning all the way around to continue singing at Screech, who's jammed in the middle of the backseat. Screech looks like he's gonna puke as they push and pull him while singing straight into his face.

Oh, get ready for a Y&T silly visual gag -- they drive past a bungalow house with a couple standing in front of it looking like Grant Wood's "American Gothic" (weirdly, this isn't even the only metal video with an "American Gothic" reference). As the Y&T car rolls by, we see a flash of pink and green light, and then suddenly the farm couple have wild blown-out hair and sunglasses on, as if they were in an old Maxell ad. This makes Y&T crack up, but appears to terrify Screech. Y&T are supernatural!

And suddenly, we're at the prom. We get all these little random establishing shots which are great. Spader helps Jessica out of his car. A seriously MC Hammer-looking dude (he's got that weird tiny ponytail!) gets out of a Jeep Wrangler, while another couple walks by. Y&T pull in in front of a large banner that reads (in multi-colored block letters) "Warren G Harding Summer School Registration June 6th." They appear to be grabbing at something outside the car as they pull in. Then we see a random kid in a tux spraypainting the side of a dumpster, adding to graffiti of a pair of eyes before casually tossing the spraycan in the dumpster and being joined by his date. Seriously, can I watch this movie?

Y&T hop out of their car, leaving a confused Screech behind. He fumbles his way out of the car, and the camera follows a couple's feet as they enter the school. They begin to climb stairs, while the camera goes under them, joining a dice game. Y&T join, and after Dave Meniketti rolls the dice, he then waves his hand again. A flash of light appears, and suddenly there are like two dozen dice, all sixes. The dudes who they seriously appear to have dressed as Run-DMC circa "My Adidas" appear nonplussed, while again Screech seems absolutely freaked out by Y&T's magic.

Y&T bust into the prom, again pared down to a threesome -- what, did the director only let their drummer be in shots where he was sitting behind something? (The car, drumkit, etc.) That's cold. Oh no wait, there's four. Dang, did they get rid of their old drummer? (Again, this is how you know I'm no Y&T superfan.) They all sing enthusiastically.

There's a dorky band playing onstage ("Yellow Tangerine," according to their bass drum) beneath a banner with what I assume is the prom's theme, "I did it my way." This repulses Y&T, and with an explosion of red light, they replace them (and their banner and balloons, which gets switched to a Y&T banner). Y&T immediately commence rocking. Also yeah, this is totally a different drummer. I honestly hope that guy left the band for real, and they didn't just ditch the chubby guy they formerly had for this video (though if they had, it'd fit with the ethos of this video).

We see a couple of nerdy-ish guys enjoying the music, one dribbling a basketball. We also see a table of people watching, including I swear to god a guy who looks like their old drummer, who is holding a skateboard. I also enjoy the "surfer couple" -- a blonde girl in a bikini top, sarong, and pukka shell necklace, and a blonde guy in just a white blazer (no shirt) and a similar necklace. Seriously, they could've stepped right out of "Party All Night." We can see balloons and streamers behind them, as well as a poster that says "Harding High School congratulates Dwayne Poindexter." Okay, I'm assuming that's Screech, but we can't see what he's being congratulated for.

Ohh the next bit is classic Y&T video. We get a juxtaposition of first a quartet of nerdy, school-marmish women drinking from tea cups, and then a quartet of exaggerated biker types spiking the punch, with one woman taking a bite out of her cup and then spitting it out. We also see a couple of dudes in trench coats, hats, and sunglasses watching from the side -- I'm not even sure what this is supposed to be. A new variety of nerd? Narcs? Principal? No idea.

Jessica and James Spader walk through the room, and Screech tries to stop them. Spader pulls on, but Jessica actually slows momentarily. Screech looks mortified and slinks away. We see many shots of Y&T chanting and rocking out, then another very Y&T gag -- students dropping guns on a table in front of a man and a woman. At first it's hard to see, but there's a chalkboard to their right that says "Check your weapons here." There's also another congratulations sign behind the man at the table, but again, it's been placed too low to read what it's for. I don't know why they'd go to the trouble to make those signs and place them in the shots just to have them be obscured!

The camera zooming into Meniketti's mouth tells us it is, indeed, "time to get wiiiiild." All the students at the prom jump up from their tables at once and begin enthusiastically dancing right in front of the stage (this shot was a bad idea -- it's wide angle, and lets us see just how few people are actually there). I should also mention all Y&T's amps say "Y&T" on them. Not Marshall, not even Peavey. Just generic -- oh, I mean, Y&T. Sure.

Screech makes a grab for Meniketti's guitar, and Dave waggles a "tsk-tsk" finger at him. He then points right at Screech. Screech spins around and slowly points at himself, and then poof! In a blast of gold light, he becomes transformed into an 80s movie hottie in a white tuxedo. He even winks right at us! Yes friends, Screech has become Zack Morris.

Jessica is of course terribly impressed by this, while her date James Spader is much less so. Zack looks over at her all "How you doin'?" She seems amazed by this and hurries to his side. Zach then points again, and with a flash of green light turns Spader (or at least his head) into a ~~cheap rubber mask~~ monster. Meantime, Y&T are rocking hard, and Jessica is all over Zack. With the final round of "Hey!"s, Y&T take it over the top, while Jessica and Zack turn to us all slick in dark sunglasses.

The moral of this video? Don't be yourself. Sure, they've got a lot of wacky Y&T stuff here, but come on -- no robot?! This video has everything but the robot!! And weirdly, I feel like for me at least, this is the moral of this song -- don't be yourself. Y&T stray from their straight-ahead rock roots and Def Lep it up, and I love it! This is, of course though, a really treacherous message. In both cases, you're giving up the affections of those who truly loved you for those of a hot, shallow girl who was previously only interested in making fun of you. It works in the short term, but as Y&T quickly found out, not in the long term. Honestly you guys, this video is like a vaguely supernatural version of Can't Buy Me Love wherein no one learns a valuable lesson about learning to be yourself, or even just about not whoring yourself out just to replace your mom's dress you accidentally spilled wine on.

Great White, "Lady Red Light"

2011-05-12T06:12:00.000-07:00

I'm in Love With a Working Girl

THE VIDEO Great White, "Lady Red Light," Once Bitten..., 1987, Capitol

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Lady Red Light, rock me to-nigh-ight / baby's got a way-ay, to make me feel right / Lady Red Light, rock me to-nigh-ight / she really knows how to moo-oove meeeee!"

THE VERDICT Oh, Great White. Of course, of course, of course you would write a song about the joys of hookers. I know that talking heads in any Vh-1 metal special-type thing will always talk about how Jack Russell got an inexplicable amount of ass for looking the way he does, but looking the way he does, I've got to imagine at least some amount of that ass was bought and paid for.

Speculation about Jack's sexual proclivities aside, I have been thinking about Great White lately because I recently added a Great White t-shirt to my heavy metal t-shirt collection. Yes, I finally have gotten over the "Mista Bone" t-shirt that I turned down at (ironically enough) Red Light in Seattle like three years ago now and am proud owner of a 1987 "O-fish-al" tour tee.

Will I actually wear it? Maybe. I don't think metal is enough on the radar screens of the people I'm generally around that they'll be like "oh my goodness, how are you supporting a band that killed all those people." Then again though, a lot of the collection stays more or less on ice anyway. Depends on the value and condition of the shirt. (Though I'm wearing my Iron Maiden 1987 "Somewhere On Tour" shirt just to type this post, so it's not like I save them all for special occasions!)

Anyway, the "Lady Red Light" video. What goes on here? Well, it's basically your standard model Great White video. Though there is some variation in their video catalogue, Great White's default is as follows. One, the band standing in a huge, empty stage area that is lit by overhead spotlights. Two, a woman with straight blonde hair and bangs doing sexy things nowhere in the vicinity of the band. Three, repeat ad infinitum.

The spotlights in this video are out of control, I guess 'cause it's a (slightly) faster song. It gives things almost a strobe-lit effect. Lorne Black tosses his hair furiously in front of a stack of amps, Mark Kendall makes constant guitar face, Michael Lardie as always looks a little awkward or nervous to be playing the keyboards. You have to own it bro, you have to own it. Even during the keyboard solo, he looks half asleep.

Jack Russell is glowering up from under his poufy bangs in like every shot of him. He also seems to have a fan on him. Oh, not like a music fan or anything -- I mean like something is blowing his hair around the whole time. Per always, he's wearing like 800 pounds of turquoise jewelry.

I should also give a special shout-out to Mark Kendall's guitar. I'm usually not a big fan of novelty guitars, but this one is just adorable. Can't help it. The body of the guitar is shaped like a slightly cartoonish great white shark, and then the neck is a leg clad in board shorts and a high-top sneaker. It's a shark eating a surfer! Okay, a surfer who's inexplicable wearing shoes. But still, it's a cute guitar, and I like that it's like themed to the band's name.

I digress. As I was saying, this video features spotlights, Great White, and a blonde girl with bangs doing sexy stuff. What exactly does she do? Well, she stays the hell away from Jack Russell and company, that's for sure. We mostly see her posing near one of the most literal props in the history of heavy metal videos -- various red lightbulbs. I'm not kidding.

She starts off in the preferred outfit of all Great White girls -- miniskirt, black semi-sheer stockings, and black leather jacket. We then see her in an 80s-girl-next-door outfit -- white tee, Keds, and artfully ripped jeans. Of course, the fact that she's lasciviously arraying herself on a motorcycle makes her more of an 80s working-girl-next-door, but that's the point of the song, right?

The shots of her eating an ice cream cone are some of my favorites. They're just so Great White -- it's like they said to themselves, "How can we make this whole girl-next-door thing sleazier?" Ah yes, close-ups of her mouth sensuously licking what looks to me like black raspberry ice cream. Then since that wasn't porn-y enough, the camera pulls back and she makes eye contact with the viewer while continuing to go at it. Great White, you guys are too much.

We also get her in a very girlish nightgown on a brown leather club couch -- okay Great White, this one is a little too inappropriate in what it suggests. The weirdest one for me is when she's wearing an oversize white button-down and heels, lounging in a sort of big wooden chair that's next to... I don't even know what those things are. They look like giant sacks of potatoes. The girl looks really uncomfortable trying to pose all sexy in the obviously uncomfortable chair. She also does sort of a dominatrix look -- black bustier, little black biker hat, fingerless gloves, and sheer stockings attached to a garter belt.

Some shots they don't even bother really inventing just for this video. We've already seen a blonde girl with bangs lounging in a bed with satin sheets in "Save Your Love". They'll basically use the same convention again for the ...Twice Shy album cover. And so yes, they use it here, too -- a round red bed with satin-y sheets (which was obviously the inspiration for the album cover, which came after).

Side note: If I had to guess, I would also say it's the same girl in both of these videos, though I don't know that for a fact, and I don't know her name. I'm less sure though that it's the same girl as from the Once Bitten... album cover, though I've often assumed that she's the girl who's in "Rock Me." We'll have to wait 'til I get to that video though for a full investigation.

Anyway. Did Great White save some dough by making pretty much the exact same video three times in a row? We're going to have to hope that yes, that's their excuse for this. Then again, many of their other videos also display their fondness for blondes with bangs, so who knows. What made straight blonde hair with bangs such a thing in the late 80s? Do we thank Christina Applegate? Bobbie Brown? Debbie Gibson?

P.S.: I know, the song I named this post for is definitely not metal, and is technically more Working Girl than Pretty Woman.

Warlock, "All We Are"

2011-05-05T06:57:00.000-07:00

Everybody Rocks... Sometimes

THE VIDEO Warlock, "All We Are," Triumph & Agony, 1987, Mercury

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "All we are / all we are, we are / we are all / all we need" [Repeat 10,000x]

THE VERDICT I feel badly that Doro Pesch is too often forgotten in the halls of metal. I mean come on, she's got that great, growly voice, she actually doesn't sing about sexy stuff (unless Dungeons & Dragons-y themes turn you on), and yes, she is gorgeous. I feel okay saying that because if you read this blog regularly, you know I spend a lot of time objectifying men, so it's not like the usual situation where someone's appearance only gets mentioned if they're a woman.

This isn't to say she's totally above objectification -- they do what they can in this video to sneak in a few disembodied butt shots, and come on, just look at the Heavy Metal-esque album art for Triumph & Agony. I mean, you'd never see Eddie copping a feel on Bruce Dickinson on the front of an Iron Maiden album!

We do get to see this album cover come to life in the video, but -- spoiler alert -- not the grab-action. Instead, we see the Warlock come to life. He's hiding out under a bridge that spans a highway, with cars rushing back and forth below. Now I know this probably makes no sense, but for some reason this overpass area always reminds me of the movie Wolfen. I'm not really sure why -- this video's several years later, and it doesn't really look like the Bronx.

But something about it just brings to mind Wolfen. Ooh, maybe it's supernatural stuff happening in an urban setting? That could be it. I know there are like, way more obvious urban supernatural films, from An American Werewolf in London to Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan to Leprechaun 6: Back 2 Tha Hood. Hmm, why is it that Jason goes to the city, then to space, but the Leprechaun goes to space first?

Okay, I'm getting way, way off topic. Let's look at the video. So we see the Warlock hiding under the overpass, watching the cars beneath. He whips out a crystal that immediately gets struck by lightning and begins glowing (his eyes glow, too -- he looks kinda like the Leprechaun). The crystal ball then shoots a bunch of new lightning out of it that freezes the cars below. The previously fast-moving traffic is all now stuck in place, with the drivers and passengers appearing to be frozen in their cars. I should mention that this is all basically silent -- we hear the wind whistling around, and some crackly sounds for the lightning, but that's about it.

A couple of metal-looking dudes -- actually, I think these are the guitarists from Warlock -- bring out ginormous Marshall amps that they proceed to set on the hoods of some of the cars. I should also mention that they're sparkling with lightning at first. They peep in the window of one of the cars and high-five each other when they finish with the amps.

The Warlock shoots more lightning out of his crystal ball, making the band appear on top of a bus that is stuck in the traffic, and the song finally begins. Everyone in the band has busted out their best denim and leather -- lots of studded accessories, frayed stuff, etc. I should also mention that it seems this band was really into Batman. One of the guitarists has a Batman logo sticker on his guitar, and while at first I thought it was a Warlock on the bass drum, on closer inspection, it looks to be the Joker.

The force of the song beginning causes the car with the amp on it to explode from the inside. Okay, weren't there people in that car a minute ago? No one in the band appears concerned about this. They just keep rocking out on top of the bus. The longer Warlock rock out, the more the people down in the cars start to stir. Or at least, some of them do anyway -- it seems to have more of an effect on the younger people than the older ones.

I have to say, Doro's hair in this video is convincing me not to cut mine. It's like waist-length at this point (oh wait, I mean my hair -- but hers is too in this video), and it bugs the heck out of me. But I don't know, seeing this video, I'm thinking maybe the solution to my hair woes is just to cut bangs again. Also, her wearing a bangle bracelet on her upper arm is reminding me that this is an excellent way to accessorize.

Oh man, for the guitar solo, Doro jumps off the bus onto one of the cars and headbangs on the hood. This is then causes the entire car to explode in a giant fireball! And yet, again, we're meant to believe no one is harmed. They actually show the shot of Doro jumping off the bus in reverse to imply she is somehow able to just jump up and backwards to get back onto the bus.

The chant-y breakdown part actually prompts some of the more rocker-y looking drivers and passengers to leave their cars and come over by the bus. Others continue sitting in their cars unaffected (and apparently no one has noticed the explosions or had their cars damaged by them).

Okay there's one shot I can't really explain. Doro appears to shoot a lightning ball out of her hand into some guy's crotch. It makes something jump off of his crotch, but I can't tell what. There's even a little lightning-bolt sound effect. I'm not sure what this bit is meant to be telling us. It looks like another thing where they're running the film in reverse to make it look like something is jumping off his crotch, but in reality something was falling onto it. What this was, however, I sure as heck can't tell, and I've watched this like a jillion times now.

After much fist-pumping and guitar-swinging, the song fades out on a shot of Doro swaying back and forth. This fades into a close-up of the Warlock and his crystal, which he sort of gazes at appreciatively before the video fades out.

Okay so forget Wolfen -- you know what this video really is? It's a heavy metal version of "Everybody Hurts." And in fact it predates "Everybody Hurts" by several years. In that video, except for REM's car, you see the cars pretty much already stopped, or at least bumper to bumper. Who's to say that a Warlock didn't cause that pile-up?

I mean yeah, "All We Are" doesn't have all the ultra-depressing subtitles explaining what the people are thinking. But it does have the whole thing that the song building and building convinces the people to leave their cars, so there is that. Ooh, and the REM video has one ultra-depressing moment that is vaguely supernatural (the woman in the back seat of the one car who is implied to be a ghost).

So yeah. Maybe Michael Stipe and company saw "All We Are" and were like, you know what, that is a good idea for a video. Or maybe it's just a coincidence, since you rarely see anything in music videos done just once. But you know I like to propagate my random connections, so I'm going to go with it.

Anthrax, "Black Lodge"

2011-04-28T06:59:00.000-07:00

Ready for Their Close-Up

THE VIDEO Anthrax, "Black Lodge," The Sound of White Noise, 1993, Elektra

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Giii-iiiive me, the one thing you can't giiii-iiiiive / take me to, the black lodge where you liii-iiiiii-iiiiiive"

THE VERDICT I know. Delving into John Bush-era Anthrax already? But this song popped into my head recently and um, lodged itself there, if you'll pardon my pun, so I felt compelled to write about it.

Let me start by saying dudes, I have no idea WTF this video is about. It's Anthrax though, and in an Iron Maiden-esque fashion, they tend to write songs about popular culture things they like (the Judge Dredd comics, Stephen King's The Stand). Turns out "Black Lodge" is no exception -- it references a plot element in cult favorite Twin Peaks, which would've still been really recent when they were writing the material for this album. They even got the guy who scored Twin Peaks to work with them on the song -- good one, Anthrax.

So what's the Black Lodge? Without giving too much away or taking an intensely lengthy (and likely to be contentious, given fans' fervor for this show) digression into Twin Peaks, it's sort of... well... I probably can't really explain it without giving stuff away. (Also suffice to say if this is an issue, don't click on any of the above links! But if you're familiar with Twin Peaks, you'll get the references I make later on.)

Is this what we see in the video? Mm, not really, though I guess there are some parallels between some of the shots in the latter part of the video and what you'd see in Twin Peaks. I don't see a lot of overt connections though. Let me give you my take on what's going on in this video. Or okay, let's start with just what's going on in this video!

For one, you barely see Anthrax. Each band member's face is viewed in a very quick shot at some point during the video, and that's that. I think Charlie Benante's expression best captures my sentiments on what's going on with this aspect. So yes, let's strap in now and prepare ourselves, 'cause this thing is really plot-heavy.

The video is shot around LA, and has a very LA look and feel to both the interiors and the exteriors (well, by interiors, I mainly mean the house at the beginning). Though there are a fair amount of establishing shots of different places, I was only able to actually track down one of the locations -- Evanston Apartments, which are used as an exterior shot early in the video. I couldn't find any of the later stuff though, where they're in a more run-down area, or the ostensible location of the house from the beginning of the video.

Okay, sorry, I'm getting off track already. The video begins with some establishing shots of LA -- the door to the house, palm trees, cars in traffic, etc. A recorded-sounding female voice intones, "Good afternoon. At the tone, Pacific Daylight Time will be two-forty-eight and thirty seconds." At the tone, we see a balding man dressed in a dress shirt, tie, and suspenders suddenly sit upright. He peers out through the curtains, then sits on his ratty couch while we hear a weather forecast for LA (as if played on a television in the room), and see more shots of palm trees.

The song finally really gets going as the forecast ends, and the man gets more broody. We also start to see close-ups of the sleeping face of the woman in the video -- she's older but well-preserved, and has one of those too-much-plastic-surgery faces. You know, shaved off nose, overly plump cheekbones, drawn mouth.

She smiles in her sleep, and we see a rapid montage of what we can assume are her dreams -- a younger version of herself posing in a swimsuit, running on the beach with a man, playing with a dog on a lawn, etc. Her memories remind me of one of my all-time favorite videos -- brace yourselves, people, I'm not joking -- Don Henley's "The Boys of Summer." What can I say, it's evocative. Before I moved to California, I thought my life out here would be like that girl with the wet hair painting her toenails. I can't explain it.

The montage of memories reaches a hectic pace, ending with a shot of a wedding cake topper. We then see the man come into the bedroom, where she is sleeping with the light on (since as noted, it's the afternoon). He crawls across the bed and whispers in her ear. She awakens with bright eyes and a smile, but her expression quickly sours when she realizes she's no longer in her dreamworld.

Okay now I don't know this, but I have always assumed the man in this is not her husband (i.e. the man in her memories) but is, I don't know, like a super-fan or something. Why? One, he appears somewhat younger than her. Two, his manner with her is very servile and deferential. Three, she barely reacts to him. I know, I know, he could be her husband. But this sequence happens as John Bush sings "worship the ground you barely walk on" -- hence, super-fan.

Oh god, the sponge-bathing shot. This is like, the least hot sponge-related scene you'll ever see in a metal video. We also though see photos in her bedroom showing her younger self from her dreams, affirming that these are indeed memories. The woman sits at the edge of the bed, and the man spoon-feeds her. You can see a large antique vanity table cluttered with stuff in the background -- whomever did set direction in this video did a nice job. The house is totally believable as where this odd couple lives.

As the first pre-chorus begins, we see a montage of the woman putting on makeup and jewelry, more shots of her dreams/memories, and she and the man leaving the house. Oh, and we even see a couple of the guys in the band!

Next thing you know, they're out in his car, which is a giant, blue, late-model sedan. The woman is propped up in the backseat, with sunglasses and a wig on, plus a scarf over her head. I'm not sure if she reminds me more of Gloria Swanson in Sunset Boulevard or of Bette Davis in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?. Nope, I think Norma Desmond. The woman in this even has something of a resemblance to Gloria Swanson. The man in this is totally her William Holden. Obviously this has a different plot, but there are some parallels I think.

Anyway, they're cruising around an area that I'd guess is somewhere in east LA, or maybe Long Beach, when he spots Jenna Elfman. Yes, from Dharma and Greg. I'll let you guess whether I'm going to continue referring to her as Jenna Elfman or go with Dharma. Yes, that's right.

Dharma is extremely braless in a tank top and cut-off jean shorts. She's hanging around with a man in a pleathery jacket and very loud plaid pants, who possibly is supposed to be her pimp? Even though if she's a hooker she's being very, um, casual in her dress. Anyway, she's hanging around outside a dingy-looking dance club which probably doesn't exist anymore, if it does, I can't find evidence of it online.

It rapidly shifts from afternoon to twilight as Dharma talks on a payphone and the man checks her out. He briefly converses with her and she leaves with him. Of course, once they're both in the car, somehow it's daytime again, but whatever. You can see like a zillion signs in the background (a Comfort Inn, a McDonald's), but I still haven't been able to track down where in LA they are.

Anyway, Dharma looks a little sketched out in the car, but not as sketched out as she should look, since next thing you know a dude we haven't seen yet but who looks vaguely like Taboo from the Black Eyed Peas (I know, terrible reference, but the SNL sketch the other week -- okay, 6 weeks ago by the time you read this -- put me in mind of it) pops up from the backseat and chloroforms her. The shots of her wild-eyed that are almost strobe-lit are among the bits that are more reminiscent of the Twin Peaks stuff in this video.

We next see the car, at night, pulling into some kind of sketchy underground area, which is where I'm assuming is the Black Lodge. Unless of course, as we'll see in a moment, the Black Lodge is more metaphorical. Or just less of a physical place, or something. Anyway, as the pre-chorus swells we see Scott Ian for like two seconds, followed by some hurried shots of the people hurrying down the hall carrying a passed-out Dharma. We also see the woman sitting before a collage of photos that appear to be of her younger self, as well as a younger version of the woman as she is dressed now (wig and sunglasses), who doesn't seem to really exist. Yes, this is where this video starts to get really confusing.

With the first real chorus, we see that the woman and Dharma are seated at matching vanity tables. Taboo goes over to see about making up Dharma. We also get a bunch of very Nine Inch Nails-esque shots of pieces of mannequins and dozens of copies of the same red qipao. Taboo puts makeup and a wig on Dharma, and dresses her in one of the qipao before wheeling her away. The woman appears oblivious, gesturing with a cigarette holder at nobody.

A bunch of ominous shots of sort of old-timey medical equipment (or something) follow as Dharma is strapped into a chair with electrodes attached all over her body. The woman is strapped into a similar chair, as we'll see momentarily. Beside them is a pile of TVs, all of which have flickering blue screens.

Taboo wakes up Dharma, and the man shines a very bright light in her face. With her makeup and wig on, she looks very much like an early 90s Cyndi Lauper. She squirms and tries to get away from the light. Ooh, here's where Charlie Benante makes that face! Oh lord, the next part is the creepiest part of the whole video for me. The man pulls out a tube of suntan oil and rubs it into Dharma's thigh, which discomfits her greatly.

However, here's where we start to figure out what's going on. While Dharma hates being rubbed with the lotion, in the other chair, the woman looks pleasantly relaxed, and slides down as if she were the one being rubbed with the lotion. At the same time, we see one of the TV screens begin to come into focus, with an image of suntan oil being applied back in the day.

Okay. So apparently, the woman can enter her memories if she is hooked up to another woman who is having those things happen to her, even if the other woman (in this case, Dharma) finds it unpleasant. So she gets the physical sensations from the other person, though not the mental interpretations. And somehow, this makes her memories appear on TV. Hmm. Yeah, I'm not really sure I understand exactly what is meant to be happening, forget how we're meant to think this works. Possibly though I am thinking it is like the MST3K movie The Leech Woman.

They repeat this for other of her memories. Dharma looks scared as she watches the memories on the TV. We also see montages of the memories along with shots of the man screaming (the other shots that are closest to Twin Peaks stuff in my opinion). The man produces a yellow lab puppy, which inexplicably also creeps out Dharma (I mean come on, it's a puppy), but which thrills the woman. When he tries to use the puppy on the woman directly though, she goes limp. Let's not even think about where he gets the puppies from, or what he does with them after.

As the song winds down, the man goes and talks directly to the woman, touching her and kneeling before her. Taboo takes Dharma in to another room, where he photographs her in front of a red curtain. We then see her photo pinned among what appear to be dozens, if not hundreds, of photos of women dressed identically. So apparently they do this all the time.

What's going on? What does any of this have to do with Twin Peaks? As far as I can tell, the visual reference of the red curtains seems to be the strongest connection -- Dharma's shot in front of a red curtain at the end, and all the members of Anthrax appear with a red curtain as their background. So possibly Kyle MacLachlan is dreaming this whole video.

I think my Sunset Boulevard connection (which I've admittedly invented) makes more sense though. I mean yes, I can't explain why this woman is so intent on living in a dream world of her past that she can only access when she's either a) asleep or b) hooked up to another woman who's dressed as her, but in both cases, a faded beauty has lost all touch with reality. As William Holden narrates at the end of that movie, "the dream she had clung to so desperately had enfolded her." Though in the case of this video, it seems to have enfolded the woman, the man, and I guess the dude who looks like Taboo, too.

Bang Tango, "Someone Like You"

2011-04-21T07:39:00.000-07:00

Low-Budget Done Right

THE VIDEO Bang Tango, "Someone Like You," Psycho Café, 1989, Mechanic

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "With someone / sommmmmme-one / well there's someone just like youuuuuuuuuuuu / oh-ohhhhhh I nee-eed some-wuh-un / to take away the bluuuuuuuuuuuue"

THE VERDICT Bang Tango are one of those bands that create a lot of contention. People who want to claim them as glam point out that they're a SoCal band (LA by way of San Diego) and I mean come on, got discovered at Gazzari's. People who want to say that they're not glam and got unfairly lumped in with glam by unscrupulous and money-hungry A&R men and blabla, whine-whine, we've heard that old chestnut a million times point to the fact that they don't sound much like other glam acts.

But come on guys, let's think about it? Who do they sound like? Well to me, Bang Tango sound a heck of a lot like the Cult! Sure, Joe Lesté doesn't have as deep of a voice or as obvious of a Jim Morrison fetish as Ian Astbury does, but honestly, he doesn't really fall outside this vein either. (And do both of them sort of look/sound like Glenn Danzig? Yup, they do.) I feel like both the singles on Psycho Café more or less sound to me like tighter, slightly poppier Cult songs. I don't mean this in a pejorative way at all, by the way -- this is, by all evidence, a pretty good way to sound.

(While I'm semi-on-the-subject, can I mention that Psycho Café is an incredibly lame album title, and probably not helping anything? Though I do wonder if it is at such a cafe that one could be served a Psychotic Supper.)

But oh yeah, as I was saying, or at least implying anyway, this song rocks. Yes, Lesté gets a little screechy sometimes, but this is a really good, straightforward gritty-LA-pop-metal song. It's no surprise that Lesté later does vocal duties for LA Guns for a while -- other than the Cult connection (which also likely comes in because all the dudes in Bang Tango are really pale and goth-looking), this song in particular I could totally hear the LA Guns doing.

All that said, of course our purpose here is to look at the video. And in this case -- congratulations are in order for Bang Tango. This video is really showing how it's done, in terms of having a low-budget video that's still really visually appealing. They didn't waste their money on swaths of fabric (which face it, always looks cheap), and they didn't rely on shooting it in black and white (which only sometimes makes a video seem artistic, and more often just makes it look like they're trying too hard).

No. Instead, all that we really see in this video is the various members of Bang Tango standing around playing the song amidst a whole bunch of different neon lights. And it totally, totally works. The high contrast between the neon and the dark background, and between the neon and these dudes' extreme paleness, makes the visuals really pop.

It also calls to mind all the shots of LA at night that you often see in Sunset Strip metal videos. You know, like shots of pawn shops and bodegas and strip clubs with neon signs. Even the sillier things in this video, like swinging the camera around in a rapid circle, totally work. It makes the video feel hectic and intense, rather than the usual "these special effects aren't very special."

I also like that the neon sort of stripes make this feel very 80s, even though this is the end of the 80s. Let's face it though, the beginning of any decade is really more or less still the one before it. I can make a good argument for the 90s not really beginning until like 1993, and similarly for the 70s not really ending until 1982 or so.

But yeah, all the neon feels very Miami Vice (my favorite way to feel!), and sort of bridges the gap between colorful 80s aesthetics and the more toned down, late 80s/early 90s look Bang Tango are going for. They've got a style that's somewhere in between the Cult and like, Faster Pussycat -- lots of black, lots of layering, and lots of crosses, but with the occasional dandaical touch (bassist Kyle Kyle's Manic Panic hair).

I know it was too late at this point for all those videos that came before. But really, those guys had to see that if they could turn back time, they should've probably skipped all the like, weird modifications to late-model sedans, and foam rubber dragons, and walls made out of tin-foil, and just invested in some tubes of neon. Turns out that's all it takes to make a darn fine video.

Slaughter, "Real Love"

2011-04-14T07:09:00.000-07:00

Mark Hearts ~~Brenda~~ Shannen!

THE VIDEO Slaughter, "Real Love," The Wild Life, 1992, Chrysalis

Click here to watch this video NOW

SAMPLE LYRIC "Real love! / Won't somebody showw-owww me? / Real love! / Isn't anyone one truuu-uuue anymorrre? / Real love! / Won't somebody showw-owww me? / Real loooooove"

THE VERDICT When you think of famous women who've made cameos in heavy metal videos -- nay, many of whom made their careers in heavy metal videos -- plenty of big names come to mind. Tawny Kitaen, Stephanie Seymour, perhaps even Bobbie Brown, she of "Cherry Pie" fame. How is it that in this pantheon of metal pulchritude we have forgotten none other than Shannen Doherty?

Oh yeah, probably because she was in a Slaughter video. But 'tis true -- Heather Duke from Heathers, better known as Brenda from Beverly Hills, 90210 stars as Mark Slaughter's love interest in the video for "Real Love."

This is actually probably my favorite Slaughter song. I mean, the verses in "Up All Night" are great, but it's played to death, and besides, the kids singing are just creepy. If we're gonna get technical, I actually like Mark's work with the Vinnie Vincent Invasion better, but for the moment focusing on the Slaughter output, I like this song best.

The video takes us, ostensibly, behind the scenes, both of the music video itself, and of whatever it is we're meant to believe Shannen Doherty is doing. We see the space where Slaughter perform the song as a video set, with crew members setting up the instruments, and all kinds of various cameras and lighting rigs visible in the early shots. Shannen Doherty is likewise first spotted behind the scenes, though it's unclear if she's in the same place or somewhere else. Assuming she's not in the same space, as it later appears, she looks to be arriving at some kind of photo shoot.

I always wonder about videos like this -- does the camera crew just film itself? Or is there a second, fake camera crew that plays the camera crew, and the real camera crew films that? This video is full of shots of like the dollys, and the video being played back on monitors, and stuff like that. Is it just the real stuff they were using, or is there a second layer of real stuff behind it? It's hard to say, since this video looks like it was actually pretty high budget -- it's easy to forget now, but at the time people really loved Slaughter. I mean this is their second album, which was way less big than the first, and they still are getting Shannen Doherty money. By their third album, they would have been lucky to get Gabrielle Carteris.

Amusingly, for some reason there is a pay phone on the set of the Slaughter video. I like that the band would have to make phone calls on their own dime -- so weird. Anyway, Mark Slaughter is looking all pensive on the phone as a guy comes and taps on the glass, apparently telling him to wrap it up.

We then get a shot of an old-school office phone ringing -- you know the type, with a bunch of different light-up keys for different lines below the number pad? Okay if you're much younger than me, you probably don't even remember these, but suffice to say it's the early 90s, so they don't have cell phones. They don't even have giant Zack Morris cordless phones.

No one picks up though, and from the beginning of this video, Mark is making faces like a puppy who's just been scolded for peeing in the house. Also, suddenly in this video he plays the guitar -- well, he holds one anyway. Mark is clearly the star of this video, though we do see the other members of Slaughter a bit. Blas Elias has his de rigeur customized gong behind him, and the camera tries to ignore the fact that at this point he's obviously the best looking member of the band. This project isn't helped by Dana Strum, who makes a progression of ultra-serious faces at the camera. Tim Kelly (RIP) is in it the least -- he's kind of off to one side, and frequently hard to see due to spotlights shining at the camera.

Oh! There's Shannen! She's sitting at a makeup table piled with products, and looking despondently at the phone. Um well he was trying to call you earlier honey, but you didn't pick up! Oh no wait, one of the lights on the phone is blinking. Maybe he is still trying to call, but she's not answering? Or maybe that means she has a message? Dang, it's been so long that I can't remember how non-cellular phones work. Is Mark on hold? Well I guess that's only possible if he deposited a lot of quarters, so.

Oh wait, no, now we see Mark is on the phone again. Just as quickly it's gone though. Can I mention that the use of spotlights in this video is particularly egregious. It keeps looking like there are small-scale explosions going on next to Dana, but it's just the lights shining straight into the camera. Why did people think this was such a cool visual effect? It's just annoying. And it had to be hella bright for the cameraman.

Now Shannen's looking haughtily sad while she has her makeup done. I know I'm mixing my popular teen shows here, but she's looking quite Blair Waldorf at this moment. At last, we see what she's doing -- it is a photo shoot. At first we see her posing in front of a fake city skyline. Then during the chorus we get close-up glamour shots of Shannen, which are interrupted by flashes of white -- I think we're meant to believe this is the camera shooting photos of her. She's full Brenda at this point in time -- heavy eyebrows, heavy straight bangs -- but she looks quite pretty (what can I say, I always liked Kelly better).

Anyway, now Mark's on the phone again, but Shannen's already in a cab. Interspersed with band footage, we get moody shots of Shannen having her hair done while looking sad, and Mark sitting alone off set. Next thing we know Shannen's doing a different photo shoot, sitting on sort of a weird chaise longue while wrapped in a sheet. What are we supposed to believe these photos are for? For some reason they're being shot with an old-timey box camera.

As we head into the guitar solo, the video gets even more plotless. It's like they started out with a sort of narrative arc or plan, and then didn't shoot enough, and had to just mix everything together. We get Shannen posing in black and white, Mark on the phone, Shannen in the cab, lots of shots of the crew (or is the fake crew?) filming the band, etc., with no real rhyme or reason. I mean throughout the whole video, I'm not even sure who's the villain here. Mark keeps whining about his desire for "Real Love," but is he the problem? Is Shannen? They both seem sad and like they want to talk to the other one. Or something. Maybe if I understood what the glowing buttons on her phone meant I'd be better able to puzzle this out.

Nope. I guess not. Mark makes a sort of sour face, and hangs up the pay phone, walking back to the video set. Shannen just rides off in her cab, an enigma. And that's it. The video just ends. Which one of them wasn't being "true anymore"? We'll never know.

But I mean, we can guess. And my guess is that while they could afford to get Shannen Doherty to be in this video, they couldn't afford -- or possibly, given her reputation for um, let's say prickly behavior -- couldn't negotiate her really being in this video. Based on what we see here, we can safely assume Doherty and Slaughter never actually crossed paths in real life. They don't even use that favorite low-budget trick of showing the image of one superimposed beside the image of the other, implying they're, you know, thinking about each other or something.

Instead, we just get an icy non-relationship between a singer and a model/actress. Boo! This is not very romantic. This is not "Real Love." This is called a gratuitious cameo. It doesn't buy us very much. Nor does it seem to buy Slaughter very much. Unlike Color Me Badd (who are featured extensively in an early episode of a show), or the zillion bands who grace the stage of the Peach Pit After Dark (including, improbably, the Flaming Lips), Slaughter never even made it onto 90210.

I should point out though that Doherty's appearance marks the second time (that I know of thus far) that an actor from 90210 appears in a metal video. The third one, as we saw not too long ago, was Jason Wiles (aka "Colin") in Bon Jovi's "Always." And the first one? Well, it's pretty amazing -- too amazing to waste on the last line of a post about a Slaughter video. So unless you already know what I'm talking about, you're just going to have to wait and see.

And speaking of last words, just when I think I'm getting to have it, it turns out Beavis and Butt-head totally watched this video -- I can't believe I forgot that. Season 5, Episode 11, "Career Day" -- "Real Love" is the first video they watch. Suffice to say the boys do not have kind words for Ms. Doherty. My favorite part though is when Beavis freaks out while trying to spit out the numbers "90210", and Butt-head slaps him, saying "Beavis, next time you're talking about that show, just say 'Beverly Hills' and forget about the numbers, okay."

Crimson Glory, "Lonely"

2011-04-07T07:02:00.000-07:00

The Men Behind the Masks

THE VIDEO Crimson Glory, "Lonely," Transcendence, 1988, Roadracer/MCA

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "She can't wait another night / take another day / she doesn't want to be / lonely in looooooove / lone-ly in looooooooove"

THE VERDICT I should love this song, but I just can't get past the goofy metal Phantom of the Opera masks. I am pretty sure I have turned down Crimson Glory merchandise in the past -- they're one of those bands like the BulletBoys or House of Lords where deadstock is very available, but for a reason. I get that it's sort of progressive metal, but IDK -- given how accessible this song is, sonically and lyrically, they probably should've just dropped the masks.

Crimson Glory sort of feel like Grim Reaper put on masks and tried to make a stealth comeback. Okay not really, it's just that both bands have made the bold move of going with pudgy-faced, unattractive frontmen with super-poufy hair. And in this case, one who calls himself simply "Midnight" (RIP).

Still, this isn't a bad song, and it's interesting because it's a very power ballad-y topic -- a sad woman who feels lonely, heartbroken over a man she should have never been involved with in the first place -- but they've made it into a much more rocking song. Usually rocking songs written from a woman's perspective are less sympathetic to the woman -- sort of bad choices/good girl gone bad stuff ("Fallen Angel"), exploring the woman's secret sexy side ("Thrills in the Night"), or implying the woman is actually a homicidal killer who victimizes men ("Midnight Maniac").

So long story short, it's not a bad song. Unfortunately, this ridiculous video -- like those ridiculous masks -- doesn't do them any favors. The video alternates between footage of a blonde woman, mostly alone in a bed, and the band performing the song. The band members are each playing atop their own cube, each of which is bathing their crotches in blue light. Humongous amounts of dry ice fog drift through the room, and I would be remiss if I didn't mention the red laser lights up above. In all, the room looks like your standard-issue cheap laser tag place.

Laser tag aside though, for me this video is oddly Vixen-esque. The band walking out at the beginning silhouetted in fog reminds me of "Edge of a Broken Heart," and singing a rockin' number from a woman's perspective while standing on platforms reminds me of "Cryin'". (It's the addition of the song that makes the latter Vixen-like, since lots of bands sing on top of platforms -- think Dio's "I Could Have Been a Dreamer" and W.A.S.P.'s "I Wanna Be Somebody".)

Huge, ghost pirates-like amounts of dry ice fog provide all the transitions in this video, by blurring out the screen and allowing for a smooth switch to the next thing that's happening. We see the woman walking around through dry ice fog in a white lace bodystocking, with the guitarist superimposed over her. The lead singer, Midnight, regularly disappears and reappears in banks of dry ice fog.

I like that it looks like they couldn't get the woman anywhere near the band. We mostly see her sort of rolling on her back in an all-white bed, looking concerned. It feels like it might be an ad for one of those depression medications or birth control pills that they're trying to expand into covering PMS, or for a feminine hygiene product. From the expression on her face, it appears she may be experiencing a 'not so fresh' feeling. And given the band's name... okay, let's just stop right there.

Also the room she's in is completely white, and it's tiny -- for some reason, the bed is in the middle of the room, and it looks like there's only one to two feet between it and the wall on each side. Based on these dimensions, we can guess this is an apartment in Manhattan. Well, more seriously, based on the budget of this video, we can guess this is (best case scenario) a fake apartment set they made just for this video, or (worst case scenario) a fake apartment set they made in the bassist's mom's basement.

The other way we see the woman is, as mentioned above, walking through the fog in a lace bodystocking. Is it the same gal? I'm assuming it is, even though the woman in the bed has very fine, straight blonde hair, and the woman walking around has a teased mane of it. While the walking woman looks a bit different from the laying-down woman, I'm assuming they couldn't afford two models to be in the video. I would say also that having two women doesn't really makes sense, but given how little anything in this video makes sense, that probably wasn't a consideration.

They do a quick meet-the-band sequence at the end of the video, but come on -- they're all wearing black leather and those goofy masks! It's beyond impossible to tell who's who, especially without the instruments (which in the case of the two guitarists, still don't help). I mean yeah, each guy is taking his mask off for the camera, but given that they are semi-opaque and super-imposed over footage of them walking toward the camera, it's impossible to really tell what's going on. In any event, it doesn't really matter, as they finish walking past the camera and we're left with just dry ice fog and laser lights.

P.S.: Sorry the quality of the images on this post aren't up to my usual standards -- good copies of some of these more obscure videos are really hard to come by!

P.P.S.: Re: the title, come on people! Alice Cooper, anyone?

Cinderella, "Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone)"

2011-03-31T07:21:00.000-07:00

Break Out the Lighters!

THE VIDEO Cinderella, "Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone)", Long Cold Winter, 1988, Mercury

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Don't know whatchu got / 'til it's gawwww-aaawwwwwwwn / don't know what it ii-is / I did so wraw-awww-awwwwwwwng / never know what I got / it's just this sawww-awwwwwng"

THE VERDICT What better song with which to end power ballads month than with the best song about things ending ever? It's the very last day of March, so that means power ballads month is coming to a close. Bust out those lighters (no cell phones, people, this is an 80s-centric site!), find a make-out partner, and let's finish it out with a bang.

There's a reason why "Don't Know What You Got" is in approximately nine-million montages -- usually of jubilant metal mayhem, like hair band members spraying each other with beer backstage or being jumped on by women in bikinis. It's poignant, it's heartbreaking, it's absolutely pitch-perfect. Like Roy says in the episode of The Office when they think the Scranton branch is closing: "You know that Cinderella song, 'You Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone)'? That pretty much says it better than how I know how to say it... in words."

It's so true! This song is absolutely gorgeous. I can point to about a million parts of it -- well okay, it's not that long a song. I can point to several parts of it that are just incredible. Everything about the lyrics, pretty much -- "I can't make you feel, what you felt so long ago," I mean who hasn't felt that with someone at some time, wishing you could recapture something ephemeral. And the pre-chorus, with the building guitar and the ultra-growly Tom Keifer vocal ("if we take some time, to think it over bay-bay") is amazing too.

And then the chorus itself! I know I often complain about the choruses in metal ballads -- there's a fine line between perfect and maudlin here, and Cinderella manage to brilliantly toe that line. Unlike say "Every Rose Has It's Thorn," which nearly lapses into self-parody with its chorus, or (as I've also mentioned before) Bon Jovi's endless histrionics in "I'll Be There For You," "Don't Know What You've Got" gets everything right.

Sigh! This song is a tear-jerker for like a million reasons. I feel like it's also sort of the last gasp of the really glam Cinderella we all came to know and love with Night Songs. "Don't Know What You Got" is the only one of the four videos from Long Cold Winter that really shows us glam Cinderella ("The Last Mile" comes in second place). Let's face it -- at this point, even though it's only 1988 (!), the guys have toned down the amount of hair product, they've mainly abandoned the colorful coats and cutaway pants, and I mean lace? Good luck finding much lace in Long Cold Winter videos.

But in the "Don't Know What You Got" video, we still get a glimpse of glam. Every member of the band is isolated from one another in an open, outdoor space, which makes me feel a little nervous -- why aren't they together? But it does make for a fairly magisterial visual. The camera zooms past them, flies over them, spins around them -- it kind of goes with the soaring vocals and guitars in this song.

Tom Keifer is playing a freaking grand piano outdoors, for one. But two, he's wearing a long black and red coat, with a matching headband, and tons of silver jewelry. When he's playing piano, you can see he has a giant ring on like every finger. The black patches on his coat appear to be sequined, which is a great choice. It's very Steven Tyler circa Permanent Vacation. It's a little hard to tell, but he might also be wearing not just leather pants, but chaps (they're often back lit in this video, so it's hard to identify some of this stuff).

The other guys aren't going quite as hard to keep the glam flag flying. Jeff LaBar is playing a guitar with Marilyn Monroe's face on it. He's wearing a long black duster coat, a white shirt, and maybe yellowish or cream-colored pants, with a black belt and black cowboy boots. Fred Coury is the hardest to see, since he's seated behind the drums, and we often kind of spin past him. He's wearing black, that's for sure. Eric Brittingham has on an open white shirt that's knotted at the waist, and a coat that's a similar cut to Tom's, but in black. He's also wearing what appears to be a giant shark-tooth necklace. Eric comes in second-glammiest, but it's mainly on the strength of his hair.

It should be noted though that Tom also has a less glam outfit. For the later sequences in the video when he's playing the guitar by what looks like an abandoned house, he switches to a Richie Sambora hat (one of those cowboy hats that's flat on top -- I don't know the real name, but Richie Sambora always wears them), and a long, black, Western-style coat with some fringe. No, Tom! Keep glam alive!

Likely due to a mental bias from "Gypsy Road" taking place in Mexico, I've long thought this video to be in Mexico as well. The overhead shots where you're flying over the band and can see the pools of water remind me of being way south in Baja California. On the way to San Ignacio, there are all these crazy salt lakes, where the water has turned all these different colors because of the minerals. They're really neat to see -- it's just miles and miles of road with nothing but barren land and these colorful salt lakes. I know here probably a lot of the water's colors are coming from, you know, the sunset being reflected in the water, but still.

Turns out however this video was shot much closer to home for me -- they're at California's Mono Lake, which is almost due east from San Francisco (a little north of there) -- close-ish to the border with Nevada, not crazy far from Tahoe but not super-close to it either. Probably closest to Yosemite. I've never been there, but clearly now that I know this Cinderella video was filmed there, I want to go.

I was right about one thing in my intuitions about its appearance from overhead in this video -- Mono Lake is a salt lake. It also, as you can see from the video, has all kinds of amazing geological stuff happening. Apparently there are volcanic hills around it, and the crazy-looking columns of rock you can see sprouting out of the middle of the lake are made out of something called tufa, which is a kind of limestone made by the salt deposits. In addition to being featured in this video, you can also see them in some of the album art from Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here (no, not the pic of the man on fire).

I'm not sure if the bits with Tom at the abandoned house-slash-ghost town are also there, but one can assume it's nearby. Boom! And I found it. My best guess for where Tom is during the guitar solo is Bodie, California, which is a ghost town close to Mono Lake. I can't find anything where I'm 110% certain, but the general look and geography of it appear correct -- a bunch of old-looking wooden homes arrayed about a mountain ridge. No one else has made this claim about this video before, but I'm going to go with it.

Ooh, I love feeling that I've discovered something. And I love the end of this video, with all the members of Cinderella finally in the same place, standing in a row silhouetted against the lake, which is reflecting the vivid colors of the sunset. Even though I always feel bad for Fred Coury when he has to just clap or slap his thighs 'cause there aren't drums there, this still looks good.

Call me cheesy, but seeing things silhouetted in black against a vivid sunset -- or really anything -- just gets me. I don't mean like iPod ads. I mean like when I'm driving in the evening, even though I've lived in California for years now, if I see palm trees silhouetted black against the sky, it still gives me a little thrill, and makes me grateful to live somewhere so beautiful. Similarly, you can't hear this song and not get a chill, 'cause it's so darn good, and it just hits home. (I know probably everyone doesn't feel this way, but if you're reading this website, I feel it's safe to assume you do too! Or at least hopefully my one reader who I know loves Cinderella does.)

Pretty Boy Floyd, "I Wanna Be With You"

2011-03-24T07:30:00.000-07:00

Next Time, Just Pass Her a Note

THE VIDEO Pretty Boy Floyd, "I Wanna Be With You," Leather Boyz with Electric Toyz, 1989, MCA

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "I wanna be-eee with you-oooh / I wanna be with you-ooh! / I wanna be-eee with you-oooh" (repeat endlessly)

THE VERDICT I've been doing mostly well-known, everyone-can-sing-along power ballads so far, so I decided to throw in one lesser-known track. Now if you've been reading this blog for a while, you might remember that the last time I talked about a Pretty Boy Floyd video, it took quite a beating. If that upset or distressed you in any way, you should probably stop reading right now, 'cause spoiler alert: This song is horrible. But it's so amazing in its awfulness that I have to talk about it.

Recall that Pretty Boy Floyd claim to be "dirty glam," and to have styled their look and sound after Mötley Crüe. Now spend a minute thinking about how awesome Mötley Crüe are, especially like Shout at the Devil. Once you feel you have sufficiently reacquainted yourself with how badass the Crüe are, listen to this song. I mean seriously, listen to it. Make yourself do it.

Good lord. Listen to it. I mean even just the beginning: "As I was walking out of class / the other day at school / I saw you." One: We're supposed to believe these guys are in high school?!?! Two: We're supposed to believe these guys are badass, dirty, raunchy rockers when they are singing about stuff like this?

I mean sure, on the one hand, if it's like yeah, I'm a gross twenty-something dude hanging around the high school picking up underage chicks, I guess that seems sort of like, LA Guns-ish. But based on the rest of the song, that's not what's happening here. No, it's something much lamer. "I don't live too far / we could walk down to the park / if you got nothing else to do." Seriously, this sounds like Milhouse asking out Lisa Simpson!

The video more or less acts this out. Well, sort of. It's all in black and white, and one shot fades into the next really quickly. Complicating matters further, there's some serious spotlight abuse going on. The spotlights keep shining directly into the camera, making it even harder than normal to tell who's who, since everyone in this band looks like Nadir D'Priest (except for Vinnie Chas [RIP] who as I've pointed out before looks like a glam double for Warrant's Joey Allen. But he's barely in this video, so).

They also keep throwing in crazy shots for no reason. Like there's a really long shot of drummer Kari Kane that's basically from the point of view of one of the cymbals. WTF is the point of that?

Anyway, Pretty Boy Floyd are standing around on these risers that are covered in spotlights. Singer Steve 'Sex' Summers (say that five times fast) is looking extra like a lady. I don't know if it's his big Carly Simon hat, or his little gloves, or just his like, smoky eye look, but he looks massively like a chick in this video.

And of course, we're supposed to believe that the girl in the video wants to "be with" him. She's a super-wholesome-looking blonde, very much not your usual metal video gal. She kind of reminds me of Victoria Jackson, the lady with the breathy voice who used to be on SNL in the late 80s/early 90s -- probably best remembered as the lady who had all those extra fingers.

Anyway yeah, they literally act out the song in the video. Steve calls her from the video -- like right there, in the middle of all the risers and spotlights, there's a freakin' payphone. While Kristy Majors rocks out in the background, he coos this song's ridiculous lyrics to her. She's lying on her bedroom floor reading a magazine, and seeming more genuinely like a high school girl than most of the women you see in metal videos (though to be clear, she seems way older than high-school age).

I also need to point out that everyone but Steve seems to think this is a way more intense song than it is. Kristy machine-guns his guitar and throws punches at the camera, Vinnie thrashes around and glares intensely, and Kari looks like he is competing in a "Make Your Best Tommy Lee Face" contest.

Seriously, his mouth is open in that sort of fake "Oh no!" pout the whole time -- then again, his nickname was 'The Mouth.' I should also mention the enormous amount of drumstick spinning going on, like way more than you need for a song like this. I mean this is a drippy, slow-ass song.

Anyway, of course toward the end of the song, the girl shows up at the video. Steve leaves with her, acting awfully bashful for someone whose nickname is 'Sex'. The other guys are left to just sit there with all the spotlights, but then look -- she called all her friends! Yeah, they look more like, you know, not-super-young single moms than like high school students, but whatever. It's still enough to get Kari to do a double-take. High school girls for everyone!

They all leave, but the spotlights are still going. What, is this just like, where Pretty Boy Floyd hang out? They never do any meta-stuff, like showing cameras, the fact that they're making a video or whatever. Likewise, the girls don't seem like, impressed or interested by the band's whole setup. Does this mean all these spotlights and crap are actually in like, Kristy's mom's basement or something? You know actually, that would make sense.

Oh man. I kind of alluded to it before, but seriously guys, this song is awful. Why does Steve suddenly have a Madonna-esque British accent? And the freaking chimes every time the verse begins again? This is verging on being physically painful. Could anyone have done this song and made it into a good one? Possibly Stryper, but the lyrics seem a little too risque for them.

I talked about this at length the other time I talked about Pretty Boy Floyd, but here it's even more apparent. They think they're doing a whole "dirty glam," sleazy Mötley Crüe thing, but come on. You're asking high school girls to take a walk in the park with you! And you actually mean a walk in the park, it's not like, a gross metaphor for some weird sex act.

But alongside all these wholesome lyrics, we've got all kinds of black leather, draggy makeup, and the lascivious nicknames. This makes the whole situation even less realistic, if that's possible. I mean, I can't imagine my high school self sitting in my high school bedroom, and my mom like yelling up to me, "Honey, Sex is on the phone!" Or like, "The Mouth called while you were in the shower." And then to have him call and screech "I wanna be with you-ouuu!" into the phone? Sorry, but no. Just... no.

Lita Ford feat. Ozzy Osbourne, "Close My Eyes Forever"

2011-03-17T07:38:00.000-07:00

Let's Duet

THE VIDEO Lita Ford feat. Ozzy Osbourne, "Close My Eyes Forever," Lita, 1988, RCA

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "If I close my eyes forever / will it all remain unchay-aynged? / If I close my eyes forever / will it all remain the sayyyy-ayyy-ayyyy-ayyyme"

THE VERDICT Spoiler alert: I freakin' love this song. I mean the queen of metal meets the prince of darkness? This is like the heavy metal version of "Islands in the Stream." There aren't a lot of metal duets out there -- it's really just this and "Everything You Do (You're Sexing Me)", so obviously "Close My Eyes Forever" wins that contest.

This song is a little weird in that at the time it's really the only power ballad for either of these artists. I can't really think of another song Lita does that's in this style. Ozzy obviously will go on to go much further in this direction, with like "Mama, I'm Coming Home." In a way that makes it too bad they didn't do this song later -- I feel like he got more into really singing, whereas in this song he's sort of doing an exaggerated version of his usual creepy Ozzy voice.

I feel like a lot of people aren't too into this song, particularly hardcore Ozzy partisans. But for me, it's a great one. I don't know, something about the sentiment really gets to me. I feel like I've had times in various relationships when I wished I could just stop time, and stay right where we were. I feel like this song really gets at that well for me.

At the same time though, this was a song I liked better when I understood the lyrics less. In my head, it was pretty romantic -- I had always heard it as "warm and dark embrace," and so when one of my karaoke video games informed me it was "warm and darkened grave," it was a bit unsettling. All the sort of goth parts in this song feel like they're trying a little too hard -- I mean cobwebs on your eyes? Gee-ross.

Something tells me the sort of darker aspects are Ozzy-slash-Ozzy's management trying to make sure it doesn't seem like he's gone soft. I mean yes, at this point Sharon Osbourne is Lita's manager, so clearly she orchestrated this, but at the same time, you know she's keeping track of everyone's interests here.

But even if you ignore the lyrics, it's still a great song. I really like Lita's solo in it, and the way the song just sort of builds and builds. There's kind of a chorus, but it's really more of just a repeated motif. The last part ("I know I've been so hard on you-ou") is definitely a favorite for me -- the more I think about it, this is the Lita Ford song I like best.

And oh yeah, the video! The video's all right too. Not the most happens -- I get the feeling Lita and Ozzy were never actually in the same place. We mostly see them apart, and sometimes the image of one is superimposed on top of the other, but that's about it. It's mainly them singing the song in an empty, dark space with just a few random props. There's a blue velvet curtain, a random archway, a window set high in one wall, and then hanging mics. That's pretty much it.

We see more of Lita than of Ozzy, probably because she looks absolutely gorgeous in this video. She's wearing a great outfit -- purple boots, artfully shredded jeans layered over sparkly black tights, and a couple of different embellished black leather jackets (the jackets switch along with her guitars). Her hair is amazing, and she's painted her nails blue.

Ozzy is harder to see. We mostly only see his face, and a lot of times it's only partially lit to create exaggerated shadows and make him look spooky. He's wearing a black jacket with sort of textured embroidery on it, but otherwise, he's a bit hard to see.

We only really see Ozzy actually standing there in the very last shot, when suddenly he and Lita appear to be in the same space. Or at least, they're made to look that way -- like I said, based on the way this video was shot, I don't think they were ever actually together for this shoot.

Regardless! I love this song, and a lot of other folks did too -- this song went to #8 on Billboard's Hot 100 (by contrast, "Kiss Me Deadly" peaked at #12). Still you know, it's not for everyone. And if you read this blog often, you can probably guess who I mean.

Yep, Beavis and Butt-head rip this song a new one when they watch the video, and to this day I can't watch this video without thinking about what they have to say about it (particularly the "monster faces" comments). They check it out during the season 5 episode "Choke", which is hard for me to watch due to its heavy ick-factor, but which also contains some amazing stuff. My favorite part is when the 911 operator tells Beavis, "sir, if you want to save your friend's life, you must administer the Heimlich maneuver" and Beavis says "he's not really my friend." Anyway, here's what they have to say about this video, which they pick up already in progress:

Beavis: "Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, it's Ozzy!"
Butt-head: "Yeah! ... Uh, why's he whining?"
Beavis: "Yeah, yeah, what's going on here? (both laugh for a while) Boy, this isn't very good."
Butt-head: "Yeah. Ozzy shouldn'ta done this."
Beavis: "Yeah really."
Butt-head: "Uh, maybe this is Meatloaf."
Beavis: "You know who I think this is, Butt-head? I think this is the Indigo Girls."
Butt-head: "Oh yeah!" (both laugh)

They watch the video silently for a while, during which time Butt-head looks over vaguely incredulously at Beavis, and they make eye contact for a second. I love it when they have little moments like that.

Beavis: "Whoa, check it out, he's making one of those monster faces!"
Butt-head: "Yeah. Monster face and wuss music do not go together. It's like, you may've scared somebody with that face twenty years ago, but now you just look like some old fart."
Beavis: "Um, oh yeah. Um. You're being kind of hard on Ozzy, Butt-head."
Butt-head: "I'm being what Ozzy?"
Beavis: "Hard on Ozzy! (pause - both laugh) Oh yeah. Yeah."

I dunno. In a way the boys' hatred of the song kind of just adds for the song to me. Although again as they sort of also obliquely point out, there is this weird tension between like, the scary Ozzy everyone's known to this point, and then the softer side of Ozzy we start to see here. I wish they'd gone back and done this song over around the time of No More Tears so Ozzy really could've gone all in.

I think in general, I wish there were more metal duets. Like could you imagine a Doro Pesch/Ronnie James Dio duet? Omg and they could've called themselves Dorodio. Or Dioro. That would have ruled. Maybe what I need is just someone to duet with, and I can just turn whatever metal song I want into a duet. Hmm.

P.S.: I know it's not metal-related, but come on, don't tell me you didn't see this movie!

Warrant, "Sometimes She Cries"

2011-03-10T07:02:00.000-08:00

Somebody Forgot to Close the Barn Door

THE VIDEO Warrant, "Sometimes She Cries," Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinking Rich, 1989, Columbia

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "(Sometimes she cries!) / when she's alone at ni-ight / (sometimes she weeps!) / oh, when she's feeling cold and we-ee-eeak"

THE VERDICT I don't want to like this song. Really, I don't. I know in my heart that this one is really cheesy. Damn you, Warrant! Why can't I quit you? Seriously, their ability to make me utterly love songs I feel I should by all rights absolutely loathe tells me that Warrant are, quite possibly, musical geniuses. (Then again, "Cherry Pie" pretty much tells me this all on it's own, so.)

I feel like "Sometimes She Cries" is the forgotten Warrant power ballad. I mean "Heaven" is the one everyone knows, even if they aren't into metal. And "I Saw Red" is, while much less frequently heard, still a lot more well-known. What is it that people don't like about "Sometimes She Cries"? It's not quite as good as either of the other two songs, but it's still decent. So what's the problem here?

I think it might be the content. This is a really unusual song for heavy metal, even for power ballads -- it's a narrative song about a woman, but not about like, her sexy homicide record, or her secret sexy side, or really anything sexy. Nope, it's about a woman who's been unlucky in love, and encouraging her to stay strong.

Fascinating (okay, to me) fact about this song: There seems to be very little agreement on what the lyrics exactly are. I have always heard the verses as starting with "and she." As in, "and she don't think, she's pretty no more." But I've found versions that claim it's a woman's name -- Lisa seems to be the most popular option, followed by Mercy, then Marcy, then Melissa. Which is weird, 'cause Lisa? I don't hear that long e sound at all in there.

Well, whatever her name is, the song -- and this video -- is mostly about her. Like the song, I feel like this video is really unconventional territory for a metal power ballad. I mean for one, it's winter. There's not snow, but people are dressed throughout the video (okay, with a notable exception, as we'll see) like it's cold out, and there are no leaves on the trees. Now the thing about winter is, it means no filmy, sheer garments, no bikinis, in general, very little bare skin. Thus, weird for a metal video.

The other thing that's very unusual about this video is it shows a family. Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa has a kid. This is not a part of the hot metal chick experience that generally gets portrayed in videos. Metal videos tend to focus more on, you know, where babies come from than they do on actual babies. I feel like this is probably another reason why this song is less popular.

I mean, as I've discussed at length, there's a reason why power ballad videos always seem to demonstrate a compulsion to show that despite the fact that the band is singing a slow song now, in general they are still rocking. "Sometimes She Cries" though I think tilts too far past that balance. It is hard to still see Warrant as really rocking in this one, unlike in say "Heaven," which has the obligatory slow-mo concert action footage.

Anyway, the video. Well we first see Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa walking around on her property. Okay spoiler alert, one major reason I love this video (and always have) is because it clearly takes place in my homeland of Connecticut. Why do I say this? Many reasons, as we'll see.

But indicator one for me is that Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa lives in an old saltbox colonial house that appears to have a huge amount of acreage, yet be set right next to the road. It also has a large barn set fairly close to the house. Hell-ooo, Connecticut.

I should also mention that right off the bat we can see that Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa is an unconventional metal video heroine. For one, she has short hair. Now admittedly, it looks like she could have had a long straight hair and bangs haircut and just chopped it to be chin-length, but still. Normally the only short hair you see in metal videos is teased, sprayed, and accompanied by dramatic makeup. This woman is rocking zero hair product and very natural makeup, if any. She's also bundled up in a big jacket and a scarf.

Most of the video alternates between shots of the Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa narrative and of the band playing the song in her barn. Yes, I know. Her narrative is in black and white, and the band are in color. At first we mostly see Jani Lane, sitting alone on a barrel. For some reason, possibly to try to prove they are still rockin', he is wearing a Rob Halford-esque leatherman outfit. Little leather hat with chains, sleeveless leather vest with no shirt under it, cowboy boots, the whole deal. It's already weird, but the thing that makes it weirder is that he's wearing just a vest even though it's so cold in there you can see their breath in some shots.

The rest of Warrant are arrayed about the barn. When we see Jani with them, he's standing and sort of dancing around, sans barrel. We mostly see Joey Allen and Eric Turner silhouetted in front of the barn door, and Jerry Dixon is barely in this video. He gets like a few hair tosses in and that's it.

Drummer Steven Sweet is the most prominently displayed member of Warrant after Jani, but that's because he's in the background for a lot of the close-ups of Jani singing. Still, we can see him pretty well, and enjoy the fact that he makes these like kissy faces the whole time he drums.

But the Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa plot takes up most of the video. We sort of see it out of order, with the more plot-advancing bits interspersed between a lot of shots of her moodily staring out at the frozen winter landscape. After her walking through the field, we see her sitting inside, staring pensively out the window while holding a toddler.

Then we get a flashback to an earlier time -- you can tell because the kid is now like an infant -- and her husband packing up and leaving her. Why? We don't know. How she can afford to heat this gigantic old home in winter even though she doesn't seem to work, just walks around and stares at stuff? Even more of a mystery.

Anyway, Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa stares out the window and watches him leave. Then we see her looking out the windows of the kitchen or dining room, peeking through venetian blinds to see if he's coming back. The table's set with lit candles and two place settings, but sorry sweetie, I think you're eating alone. Well, maybe one of the glasses of wine is for the baby. Okay, probably not.

For the first chorus shots of Warrant rocking out are interspersed with close-ups of Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa making concerned faces and walking around with her baby. We then see her walking around her field by herself, making me wonder who's watching the baby. Did she leave her with Warrant?

The next big plot bit we get shows Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa in bed with another man, who looks way rougher than her ultra-preppy husband. He's sneaking out in the middle of the night while she's asleep. She realizes he's gone and like rolls over and looks all moody. Seriously honey, are you that surprised? I mean you have a kid. Mr. One-Night-Stand is not about to step up to that plate.

An amazing part of the video comes next as we finally see Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa in color. She walks to the window, and sees Warrant playing the song out in her barn. Like as she spots Jani, she turns from black and white to color. Even more amazing is the fact that even though it's nighttime, and she appears to live alone in like, a pretty remote rural area, she does not appear at all perturbed that her barn is infested with Warrant.

As the song sort of escalates, we see her husband looking vaguely perturbed and writing a letter, and then we see Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa reading the letter in a giant winter coat. It pleases her greatly, and we see a bunch of shots of her playing with her kid.

Let's mention now that even though she does not appear to have aged a day, her kid now looks to be in nursery school. They play on a tire swing and roll around on the hard, frozen ground together. I should mention that this is what happens during the guitar solo. See what I meant above now? Nothing says "we rock" like a mom and her kid playing together.

Next comes one of my favorite moments in this video, because for me it incontrovertibly proves my they-are-in-Connecticut hypothesis. Her husband calls her. Okay not only is he wearing an offensively preppy sweater -- he is calling from a SNET payphone! SNET = Southern New England Telephone. This is the phone service we had when I was growing up. I remember watching this video at the time and being stoked about recognizing SNET in it. I know, so random, but whatever, it's usually pretty much impossible to figure out where videos were filmed, so I take what I can get and enjoy it.

After a few pensive moments spent standing beside her now apparently Warrant-less barn, we see Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa hanging out clothes to dry on the line. This despite the fact that it is obviously hella cold out, and that her washing will freeze. (This is a moment in this video that even watching it back in the day always made no sense to me.) Adding to the confusion -- her husband drives up, looking like he just arrived from a Ralph Lauren ad, and she is totally psyched to see him.

I'm sorry Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa, did you forget how he abandoned you with an infant, and then it took him like four years to even write you a letter? The video ends with them hugging in the driveway, but maybe we can imagine like, a sequel where she bitches him out for that. 'Cause seriously, it's great the family's reunited and all, but there are clearly still some issues here.

Ooh wait, how could I forget! The last last thing we see after their reunion is Warrant all walking away through her field together. I love this. Like they roosted in her barn playing this song until Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa and her husband got back together, and now their work is done so they can leave. It's so cheesy that it works.

Poison, "Every Rose Has Its Thorn"

2011-03-03T07:17:00.000-08:00

Power Ballad Cliches, Part II

THE VIDEO Poison, "Every Rose Has Its Thorn," Open Up and Say... Ahh!, 1988, Capitol

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Eaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyv-ry rose has its thawn / jest laaaaaahk eaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyv-ry naght / has its daw-aawww-awww-awwwn / jest laaahk eaaaayyyv-ry cow-ow-boy / sings his sad, say-ad sawng / eaaaaaaaaaaaaaavvvvv-ry rose has its thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwn"

THE VERDICT Yeah baby! It's March again, so you know what that means! Wait, you don't know what that means? Allow me to refresh your memory! Once again, it's Power Ballad Month! For the entire month of March, we'll be focusing on one of hair metal's core components -- the power ballad.

Kicking it off, it's Poison with "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." I picked this one for a lot of reasons. It's one of those songs everyone knows, and so you see it misattributed all over the place (Def Leppard? Guns N Roses!?!?). But for our purposes, its video boasts a bevy of power ballad video cliches. I went into this topic at length last year with the video that I argue originated a lot of these cliches, but "Every Rose" gives us a nice refresher on some of these.

Lead Singer Has Lady Problems: I've made this argument at length elsewhere, but suffice to say that whenever it's a breakup song, suddenly the lead singer has a girlfriend. This signals to any ladies out there listening that hey, he's available. It also signals to the guys that he's not totally whipped, since I mean he is breaking up with her after all.

"Every Rose" uses this just at the beginning of the video, and then never brings it up again. We see a truly glorious Bret Michaels asleep in bed with a woman who sort of looks like a more voluptuous version of Downtown Julie Brown. Okay, maybe it's just the fact that she appears to be sleeping in a sports bra and an incredibly high-waisted thong -- seriously, it's like a Mom thong, if there is such a thing. I'm glad we've moved on from the time underwear was cut that way.

Besides the thong, there's a lot of discomfort in the room. One, they've left a fire burning in the fireplace, which doesn't seem safe. Two, both have their eyes open and are shifting around a lot. Three, Bret is sleeping with a whole bunch of jewelry on -- that is so uncomfortable! And if that stuff's cheap at all, he's gonna wind up with green stains on his wrists.

Anyway, we just see this romantic interlude for the very beginning of the video. As soon as Bret gets out of bed (and just before we get to clearly see his teeny bikini briefs!) the shot fades out and we move on. Oh, also the song finally starts, since the whole beginning of the video is silent except for the rustling of the bed sheets and the crackling of the fire.

Grainy Behind-the-Scenes Footage: Most of this video is shot in a sort of blue-tinted black and white, but we also see a lot of backstage footage that's in grainy black and white. I don't know what it is about showing some film grain that just screamed verite to metal video directors of the 80s, but they sure loved that stuff. Lots of C.C. DeVille and Rikki Rockett looking pensive.

Footage of the Band Rocking Out: If this is your first introduction to this band, Poison don't want you to be confused by the fact that it's a power ballad. Similarly, if you forgot about "I Won't Forget You" and only listened to the other tracks on Look What the Cat Dragged In, Poison don't want you to abandon them, thinking they've somehow stopped rocking.

As a reminder then, this video includes lots of live footage of the band playing songs that are obviously not this one. The part where Bret is screaming and windmilling his arms, with his eyes so bugged out he's a dead ringer for Jani Lane, gets used in a lot of Vh-1 montages. Also included are lots of shots of Rikki drumming super-intensely with his hair soaking wet -- as it flies through the air, it looks like dreadlocks.

They also put in lots of slow-mo action shots. This has the advantage of demonstrating how hard the band is capable of rocking, while at the same time taking things down to a power ballad pace. Lots of the shots of Rikki are slow-mo, as is some stuff of Bobby smashing a guitar (or trying to anyway) and Bret jumping off some risers.

"It's Soo Hard On the Road!": Oh man, this video lets you know that as much as Poison's rocking, they really are leaving it all out on the stage, and are drained and broken men when the curtain falls. Seriously. There's no beer spraying and groupie groping in this video. Instead, we see a bunch of shots of Bret sitting around looking like his dog just died. We also see Bret getting his ankle taped, and Rikki having the same done to his fingers. Oh my god guys, they're killing themselves to entertain us!

In case this isn't enough to convince us of the lonely, difficult life led by super-famous rock stars, we also see footage of an open highway through the tour bus' windshield, and the guys leaning their heads against the bus windows and staring listlessly into the distance. They pop off the bus and stretch, because being driven around in a tour bus is sooo hard.

Perhaps the best of this though is the footage of Bobby Dall (who's barely in this video otherwise) crawling around on the stage, and being lifted to a semi-standing position by a roadie. It's unclear if Bobby's really that exhausted or if he's just pretty loaded, but either way it's clear rocking this hard isn't easy, kids.

"We're Such Nice, Regular Guys!": Not all the backstage stuff is drama and sorrow. I mean, in this video most of it is, but we do still see a little bit of the fun-loving Poison we all know and love. Bret can't resist checking out the women hanging in the hallway backstage, or painting a white stripe down C.C.'s nose while he sleeps. See? Even though we're super-famous, we're still totally down to earth. Another name for this type of footage in power ballad videos is "We Would Totally Have a Beer With You."

Suddenly the Lead Singer Plays Guitar: Why is it that lead singers who never normally go near a guitar suddenly have chops when it comes to power ballads? I mean any other song, they're just the singers. Then the minute it slows down, it's like oh wait, I can do this too. A lot of this video we see Bret Michaels sitting on a stool in an otherwise empty space, playing an acoustic guitar with a blue rose painted on it. He's wearing wraparound sunglasses and a big black hat.

I mean I get it -- this is really Bret's song. But it's still kind of weird. At least for the solo, we see C.C. playing, so it's not like they try to convince us Bret suddenly became a guitar virtuoso. But still.

Ending on an Emotional Note: Though most of this video is live footage, we don't see many close-ups of fans. There are crowd shots, but all they demonstrate is that this is a quite-large arena. Toward the end though, we finally get close-ups -- and it's a total of course shot for a power ballad video. Yup, it's a female fan, covered in sweat and her eyes shining with tears. An emotional experience for everyone! We also get the obligatory shot of the band members all putting their arms around each other and bowing to the crowd.

I've heard this song about ten zillion times, and despite the fact that I don't care that much for the chorus (the enuncuation is too exaggerated for my taste, and it gets very repetitive and dirge-y), it's still a good one. I have heard Bret say before he wrote this song after calling some stripper he'd been dating while they were on tour for Look What the Cat Dragged In, and having a dude pick up the phone at her place. On the one hand, I guess it's an "aww" story, but on the other hand, come on, like this guy wasn't getting a ton of ass on the road?

Still, this song has some truly great parts, mainly in the verses for me. The last bit, starting with "and now I hear you found somebody new / and that I never meant that much to you" gets me every time. Or maybe it's just that as Dave Chappelle and John Mayer point out, this song is really in the sweet spot of stuff white people like (or at least will dance to). They're just making the point that it has guitar in it, but if you really think about it, it fits.

I mean it's metal, but it's also a very country song -- listening to this, it's like duh Bret Michaels went on to do solo country stuff. Plus it doesn't have the hard edges that a song like "I Remember You" has, with the screamy vocals, making it an ideal gateway drug for people who never thought they'd listen to a metal song. If this is you, now go listen to the rest of Open Up and Say... Ahh!.

Nitro, "Freight Train"

2011-02-24T06:44:00.000-08:00

All Aboard!

THE VIDEO Nitro, "Freight Train," O.F.R., 1989, Rhino

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "I'm on a freight traiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnn / I'monafreighttraincomin' / I'm on a freight traiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnn / I'monafreighttraincomin'"

THE VERDICT Nitro are one of those groups where it's sort of like, did anyone actually listen to them in the 80s? I'm not sure. I definitely didn't know anyone who did. But then with the 00s and the birth of the viral video, suddenly everyone knew all about Nitro. Or at least, they knew that it looked like a really over-the-top parody, or maybe an obscure eastern European country's entry in the Eurovision Song Contest. But no, Nitro is regular ol' American hair metal. They are even on the cover of the book American Hair Metal.

That said, there's nothing random about Nitro. This band was, as far as I can tell, a calculated effort to take every element of metal to its logical extreme. Vocalist Jim Gillette was known for shattering wine glasses by screaming, while guitarist Michael Angelo is famed for his "Quad Guitar X-400," which is more or less what it sounds like. (That link is worth clicking, btw -- it got stolen on the first night of their tour.) I guess it goes to 44? It just makes me think of the Mooninites' quad laser.

It's the kind of thing where you feel like, if they'd shown up with this in like, 1984, Nitro would've been huge. People would have thought this was so way cool. But by the time Nitro come around, I feel like people have kind of moved on. I mean the bands that used to have the really big hair (Mötley Crüe, Cinderella, Poison) now just have long hair, and some of the bands that previously just had long hair now in some instances have short hair (think like Scott and Charlie in Anthrax).

At first I thought Michael Angelo was the guy from the old "Metal Method" ads, but that's a dude named Doug Marks. But then a little googling and -- lo and behold! -- not only does Metal Method totally still exist, but both Michael Angelo (now using his last name, so Michael Angelo Batio) and Jim Gillette are instructors for them. Amazing!!

Oh wow -- this is even more amazing. They were instructors for them. It says Jim's lessons were recorded in the early 90s. This is possibly even more amazing than if he were still doing it -- these things are freaking artifacts! Michael Angelo, on the other hand, appears to still be at it -- his most recent lessons are from 2010.

Seriously, one day I may have to get it together and just scan some of these old ads, 'cause it seems like no one has put the old stuff online anywhere. I mean the Hit Parader I was (successfully) looking through for old Metal Method ads has ads like "40 yards lace $2.25." They say it is "marvelous for dresses, pillowcases, etc." but come on, this is Hit Parader, you're selling this stuff to people who will tie it to mic stands a la Steven Tyler.

Ahhh!! Here we go. It took some digging, but I totally turned up a two-page ad for Jim Gillette's Metal Power. Please allow me to reproduce some of the copy, with original formatting intact: "Have you ever wished you could hit those glass shattering high notes? If so, METAL POWER is for YOU! Instructor Jim Gillette has combined extensive Opera training along with his own unique style to create method of singing GUARANTEED to improve your range and power! Jim now has an amazing 5-OCTAVE RANGE and is striving for his 6th? How is such a range possible? Lots of dedication and the same technique offered in his lessons!" Oh man, that is the stuff! My favorite is that opera is capitalized and in italics.

Whoa, for $8 you could also get yourself an autographed copy of his debut album, Proud to Be Loud. (Dude, click that link! SleazeRoxx helpfully scanned the exact ad I'm talking about.) Next to an extra-ridiculous photo of Jim in full makeup, elaborately-teased hair, and a leather jacket with lots of chains is -- wait, OMG, I just noticed that Jim is standing around a bunch of wine glasses on platters. You can't make this stuff up.

Yup, I think we're supposed to imagine those shattering while he sings, since anyway as I was saying, next to this astonishing image it says "WARNING: This album contains the highest screams and fastest guitars ever recorded. Listen at your own risk." If you're wondering if these "fastest guitars" are Michael Angelo and the quad guitar, don't worry, they are. Later they changed the album art to this much less glammy pic, so thank goodness someone thought to scan the original.

Oh wow. This ad is the gift that keeps on giving. Apparently there is also a hotline you can just call to talk to him. "As an added bonus, JIM CAN BE REACHED BY CALLING THE HOTLINE." They also give extensive warnings around lesson IV, which is scream exercises. They say (again, with the original formatting), "DO NOT SKIP LESSON I, II, AND III. YOU CANNOT LEARN TO SCREAM WITH LESSON IV ALONE!!!"

Oh dang, that is just amazing. I got so wrapped up in looking through my old metal mags that I forgot to talk about the video. What happens here. Basically, what you'd expect. Everyone has severely giant hair, though Jim's enormous blonde palm tree of hair is the biggest. Seriously, his hair is like one of those freak vegetables that win ribbons at county fairs. And speaking of things not found in nature, that quad guitar is all over this video.

Other than the band going nuts on a little soundstage, we also see footage of (surprise) a freight train. Now not long ago I drove to Arizona, and saw a lot of freight trains going through the desert. Those things aren't too fast. Like, you can beat them with your car, and you wouldn't even be speeding. Shouldn't the song have been about like, one of those Japanese bullet trains? Maybe those didn't exist yet.

Also, I can't believe I forgot this -- in the "where are they now" department, so obviously Michael Angelo is still teaching people to play metal guitar really, really fast. But what of Jim Gillette? Duh! I totally knew this and forgot. Jim Gillette is now of course Mr. Lita Ford. I love the fact that they got married having known each other for two weeks, and yet are still together. When you know, you know, I guess. Though also judging how many of her tweets are about how great he is in the sack, I think they're doing okay.

That said, last spring there were rumors they were about to do a reality show, and for every Sharon and Ozzy, there's a zillion other people who were broken up by doing a cameras-follow-you-around-at-home-style reality show. Think about it: Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, that tattooed drummer from Blink-182 and the Playboy Bunny, Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro, Brigitte Neilsen and Flavor Flav (though technically they also got together on a reality show, so...). That said, I can't find much more info on it than this sort of demo video Lita herself posted, so who knows if this is still really happening.

Hold the presses! Oh snap and a half! Apparently this is on hold because in the time between when I wrote this post and well, now (and as I'm writing this it's still two weeks before this one goes up online -- yeah, I work way ahead of schedule to make sure I bring you metal each and every week) Lita Ford and Jim Gillette are getting divorced. I'm like wait, what!?!? They didn't even make it to having their lives invaded by a reality show, and already?!?! You look at her Twitter and as of July she's saying "all is good" and tweeting hints about the reality show, and then yeah, I guess there is kind of radio silence for a while, and now they're splitting?!?!

I mean, if you can't find true love with the ex-singer of Nitro, what chance does this mean the rest of us have?

Whitesnake, "Here I Go Again"

2011-02-17T06:39:00.000-08:00

Yes, It's That Video With the Girl and the Cars

THE VIDEO Whitesnake, "Here I Go Again," Whitesnake, 1987, Geffen

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "And here I go again on my oh-ow-own / goin' down the only road I've ever kno-own! / like a drifter I was baw-owrn to walk a-loh-oh-one"

THE VERDICT Thought I was gonna do something all romantic for Valentine's Day, did you? Nah. I'm saving all that stuff for March, when yes, for the second year in a row I am going to be doing a whole month of nothing but power ballads. Given that we have all that syrupy sweet stuff coming down the pike, I didn't feel too compelled to go in that direction this week. Besides, haven't you had enough pink and hearts and angels and looove and whatnot crammed down your throat this week?

Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again" video is kind of an antidote for that stuff. I mean yeah, as per always, David Coverdale is all open-mouth-kissing Tawny Kitaen all over this video. Seriously, it's like a mama bird feeding a baby bird. Gee-ross. But really, "Here I Go Again" isn't a relationship song in that way at all. It's a breakup song, or more specifically, a divorce song. David Coverdale wrote it when he realized his previous marriage had reached the point of no return. Hence, "here I go again on my own." It's a pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on song.

Also though, I had to do it because this is really a classic 80s metal video. Even though Whitesnake aren't, you know, that metal, Tawny Kitaen doing a front walkover on those Jaguars is really part of the metal canon. I mean think about it -- this video has basically everything people thought was sexy in the 80s:

Lots of keyboards: Most Whitesnake songs aren't especially keyboard heavy, but this one really is. And think about it -- the 80s were the decade of the keyboard. Between synthesizers and keytars, it was like every genre of music at least briefly embraced some kind of digital love. Okay not thrash metal, but most other stuff.

This video really foregrounds the keyboards, too. The whole first verse, until it really starts rocking, we keep seeing Adrian Vandenberg, John Sykes, and dude honestly, I'm not even sure who else (they're backlit and like half a dozen people contributed bass and keyboard work to this album) each with his own giant keyboard. Adrian and one other guy are also holding guitars, which amuses me. But yeah, the beginning of this song, and how it's visualized, feels like a sort of weird keyboard church thing.

Tawny Kitaen: This is the kind of gal we loved in the 80s. Think about it -- great smile, tons of hair, long legs, plus it's the pre-breast implants era. Physically, Tawny's got a lot in common with other paragons of 80s beauty like Christie Brinkley or ~~Tiffani Amber Thiessen~~ Kelly Kapowski.

She also sports some seriously 80s fashions in this video. The sheer white shirt thing over a thong-leotard is some hardcore 80s weirdness. It's like she's having some kind of "Calgon, take me away" moment there on the Jags. But also the shimmery green dress she wears in the car just screams Dynasty to me -- so again, super 80s.

Also -- I don't know why, but I just remembered this, which means probably you'll remember it too -- remember how after this, Tawny co-hosted the genuinely awful America's Funniest People? With Dave Coulier, the unfunny Full House uncle and inexplicable inspiration for "You Oughta Know"? You know, it was sort of like America's Funniest Home Videos (which at the time was hosted by Bob Saget, so hey, how come Uncle Jesse never got his own VHS blooper show?), but crossed with Candid Camera? Well, if you don't remember, some dude apparently taped a lot of them back in the day and put the results on Youtube, so. Apparently some other gal was the original cohost, but I only remember Tawny doing it. Post-Coverdale, it was where she went again on her own. Who know that the idiocy of the Jackalope was the only road she'd ever known.

Expensive sportscars: The pair of Jaguars that Tawny plays on are really an iconic piece of this video, and of the time. Imagine the whole "yes I'll take one in black, and one in white, and then I'll let my girlfriend cartwheel around on them" transaction -- very smooth, very 80s.

I feel like having some kind of over-the-top sportscar was basically a requirement of 80s movies, particularly teen movies where the car belongs to someone's dad and gets destroyed or at least dinged up. Think the Porsche in Risky Business, the Rolls in Sixteen Candles, the Ferrari in Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Ooh, or sportscars and iconic 80s women! Remember Christie Brinkley and the red Ferrari in National Lampoon's Vacation?

Miami Vice-style mens' suits: In discussing the wardrobe in this video, let us not forget to mention the incredible Miami Vice-esque unstructured suit that David Coverdale is wearing in the car. His jacket is deep teal! It would totally look good on Tubbs. You know a couple of years back a friend of mine unearthed some deadstock jackets just like that that were actually from the Miami Vice collection (apparently they sold branded apparel), but they were a little expensive so I turned them down. Bad decision, I would be totally stoked if I had one of those now.

Long story short though, this was the look of the 80s, at least for yup-wardly mobile men. Just the other day I read an article where Duran Duran claimed that they started this look and then Miami Vice picked it up, but come on, who are they kidding. In any event, with his turquoise soft blazer and skinny black tie, David Coverdale is totally rocking this look.

Debauchery: I know, I know. This is hardly unique to the 80s. But I put this here for one reason, and one reason alone. Um, in case you hadn't guessed where this was going, a NSFW reason. Four words: Tawny Kitaen nip slip. Now like a zillion times I had heard David Coverdale claim that in this video, there's a part where one of her breasts just pops on out, but I'd never believed it. He always uses it as a like "we were so wild in those days" anecdote.

Having now gone through the video in my typical fine-toothed-comb manner (more or less frame by frame), I can say for myself: Um, it's there. Everyone I've shown it to has confirmed that yeah, we've got boobage. In the actual video, it goes by way too fast for you to notice. But slow it down and yeah, that just happened.

And I'm not talking like, in an uncensored, never-shown-on-TV version. I mean like on MTV, on Vh-1, and most definitely on the official Whitesnake YouTube channel. This is not an urban legend, it's real. It really surprised me based on this that it isn't already all over the internet. I mean, isn't this the kind of thing the internet lives for? Then again, I imagine it's probably not like, super hard to see Tawny Kitaen topless or whatever. Still, it kind of amazed me -- for all the purported debauchery people always complained about in heavy metal videos, this was the first time ever that I was like, dang, they were a little bit right! (Er, well, actually, it's the left one.)

Long story short, between the fast times, the sexy times, and all the keyboards, the "Here I Go Again" video more or less encapsulates the 80s. Or at least, one version of the 80s. A sort of white, fast cars and fast women, keyboard-scored version.

David Lee Roth, "Just Like Paradise"

2011-02-10T07:43:00.000-08:00

Paradise Lost

THE VIDEO David Lee Roth, "Just Like Paradise", Skyscraper, 1988, Warner Bros.

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "This must be just like livin' in paradise / just like para-di-ise! / and I don't wanna go ho-ooommme"

THE VERDICT I know, I know -- this video is coming close to the nadir of Roth-dom. But I've had this song in my head a lot lately. Why? Hmm, let's think. It's the middle of winter. Most of the country is covered in snow, with more snow being dumped on it all the time. And here I am, jogging outside in shorts, 'cause it's 76 degrees and sunny. No humidity, palm trees, warm breeze. Yes, this is just like living in paradise. And I actually do live here!

The downside of this, of course, is that this song is pretty rough. I think that if this were Van Halen, they could've possibly pulled it off, but solo Diamond Dave not so much. Skyscraper is probably Roth's most straightforward, non-campy solo work, and it makes you realize that if Eddie Van Halen's not there, he probably needs to stick to the "ze-bop!"

The video features a lot of footage of Dave rock climbing, which according to his autobiography is a big hobby of his. Actually, he seems to be pretty into extreme sports and travel in general -- like half the photos in Crazy from the Heat (the book, not the album) are of him in places like Papua New Guinea doing outdoorsy stuff. The ads for this album also were all about the rock climbing. I have the April 1988 issue of Hit Parader (which features an amazing Dokken cover, btw) and the back cover is an ad for Skyscraper with the tag line "EXTREME ROCK" over a photo of Dave rock climbing that's clearly from when this video was shot.

If only he had stayed super-successful a couple of years later, Dave could've totally guested on MTV Sports. 'Memba that one? Come on, you know you thought Dan Cortese was cool at the time. Actually, no. Dan Cortese was never cool. He's got the Diamond Dave all-crazy-all-the-time personality, but none of the charm. Though I do give the guy credit for basically spoofing himself in the Seinfeld episode where Elaine dates him just for his looks, and he takes George and Kramer rock climbing. See?! Rock climbing!

In retrospect, I'm surprised Dave was never in any of MTV's "Rock N Jock" specials (I mean Sammy Hagar was). Apparently MTV2 has a more recent series called Rock N Jock, but it's not the same thing as the old "Rock N Jock B-Ball Jam", trust. (Okay if you click that last link, I'm not sure which is the more amazing part -- watching all those awkward white women sing along, or the four times that ~~Marky Mark~~ Mark Wahlberg pulls his pants all the way down and raps in his tightie-whities.)

Or I mean look at the 1991 Rock N Jock softball game -- Bret Michaels, Kip Winger, and Steven Adler all play in the game, and Steve Vai plays the national anthem! Wow, this is the most fun I've had with Youtube in a while. I know I'm preaching to the choir on this one, but dang I miss old MTV.

Anyway. Besides Dave's penchant for extreme sports, what else gets indulged in this video? Uhh basically all of it. It's just Dave and friends playing on a stage with tons of colored lights. Dave changes outfits a bunch, but he's mostly wearing what I would describe as a sort of Tyrolean-inspired vest and chaps ensemble.

Steve Vai is there, and he's definitely bringing the cheese. One thing I notice is I make fun of Steve Vai pretty regularly on here, but he's the one person who fits in that category whom I've never gotten a single email defending. Maybe everyone else finds his constant guitar-humping as unappealing as I do. Steve takes this to a new level in this video with his heart-shaped, three-necked guitar. For real, guys.

I remember seeing this video as an eight-year-old and thinking that that was stupid. And that was when I was eight. Which was in the 80s. I mean if there was one time in history when someone such as a naive little child could have been persuaded Steve Vai's heart-shaped guitar was cool, that was it. Then again, considering I was watching David Lee Roth videos, I wasn't that naive I guess.

This video also features (just barely) a random bassist and a keyboardist, but Dave and Steve really run the show here. Gregg Bissonette is occasionally visible, wearing what appears to be a neon wetsuit, in keeping with the extreme sports theme. At one point he climbs on top of the drum kit, sort of the drummer equivalent of all the Steve Vai guitar antics.

Every time you think this video is just them prancing around the stage and making faces at the camera, something completely ridiculous happens. Dave does some slow-mo jumps in silky pants. Everything goes into super-saturated colors, or skips frames, so the motion looks jerky and weird. So much crotch thrusting you can't believe it.

And then next thing you know, the drum kit has lifted off the stage into the air. Dave is in an effing boxing ring flying over where the crowd would be, if there were one there. He punches at the camera with his glittering, rhinestone-covered boxing gloves. OMG, now Dave's got a samurai sword. Seriously, it's like every idea they had, no matter how cheesy, got the green light for this one. They're synchronized dancing in dry ice fog. And this isn't half-assed "Hot for Teacher" dancing. You can tell Steve Vai is 100% down with the dancing.

Just when you think it can't get any cheesier, Dave rides a flying surfboard off the stage. According to a photo caption in his autobio, the flying surfboard can be explained thusly: "It starts with tiny multi-colored chaser lights around your rear license plate. But eventually you graduate to this sort of thing." He actually brought the flying surfboard on tour with him.

Once Dave has the headband on, you know it's all downhill from there. He can re-join Van Halen, or not re-join, but it's never going to be the same again. Something about that headband signifies that a bridge has been crossed. Maybe it's that he's admitting he's aging, and his hairline isn't what it used to be? Maybe it's that it seems to lead to more over-the-top costumery? I'm not sure. All I can say is that once the headband comes out, there's trouble in paradise.

Celtic Frost, "Cherry Orchards"

2011-02-03T07:20:00.000-08:00

Candle in the Weird

THE VIDEO Celtic Frost, "Cherry Orchards," Cold Lake, 1988, Noise

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Cherry orchards / ginger looks upon pain / cherry orchards / August fades like tears in vain"

THE VERDICT Full disclosure: I don't know very much about this band. That said, this video has always made me really curious -- it's a really weird song, and an oddly art-y video for a later 80s metal video. Everything I've ever heard about it implies that this is a severe departure for this band -- allmusic calls it "one of the most misguided changes in artistic direction in heavy metal history". Long story short, I took it upon myself to learn more about what's going on here and write this post.

I had thought about saving this video and doing like a "dead celebrities" theme month, but then I thought it would be kind of too morbid. Still, we could have doubled up on the Marilyn with "Photograph." And of course there's "The Ballad of Jayne." Hmm, after that the pickings get a bit thin though. I guess we'd have to go with the Cult's ultra-weird "Edie (Ciao Baby)." I guess metal guys prefer dead midcentury blondes.

Anyway. So Celtic Frost -- what was their deal? Well, having been at the vanguard of European metal with what most folks describe as an avant garde mix of death/black metal with classical elements, they apparently had an extremely Spinal Tap-esque misadventure-filled American tour. Lead singer Tom Warrior had more or less given up when fellow Swiss dude Oliver Amberg (who wrote this song) convinced him to give it one more try. The result was Cold Lake, which apparently everyone now wants to forget and yet, no one can.

Now as someone who knew this song without having any strong association with the band, I have actually always really enjoyed it -- I mean if you read this, you probably know that this sort of bizarro glam is more up my alley than what I described above. That said, I can definitely see how if you were into what I described above, you'd be absolutely shocked to see this band don artfully shredded jeans and guyliner.

Still, this isn't your typical hair metal. I mean, the start-stop instrumentation? The creepy voiceover? Lyrics that sound like haiku? Dress up all you want, boys, but this wasn't going to be a magic bullet (or what does Billboard call that one chart? Heatseekers, I think).

The video is similarly oddly artsy. It's shot mainly in black and white, except for occasional bits that are in extremely bleached out color (and often shot upside down or sideways). But what else goes on here?

Okay, well at the beginning, the everyone-is-playing-everyone-else's-guitars sequence is kind of amazing. Tom is playing the guitar Oliver is holding, and bassist Curt Bryant is playing the guitar Tom is holding, and there's an extra guitar just stuck in the back there that no one's playing. You'd think the band that plays together, stays together, but this version of the Celtic Frost lineup lasted all of two seconds, so.

The band are playing in a fairly typical metal soundstage type area -- big Pearl drum kit, stacks of Marshall amps, gratuitous wires etc. laying about. The biggest difference is that gigantic photos of Marilyn Monroe are being projected onto the walls on either side of them. Some are promo-ey looking photos, others are more candid. Apparently this song is about Marilyn, but I'll be damned if I can figure out how. The lyrics are pretty uh, abstract.

Oh I almost forgot! The other thing I enjoy about this video is that thanks to a weird shot at the beginning that appears to be of probably the director waving at the camera with Tom Warrior, we know exactly when this was filmed -- October 11, 1988. It's written on a clapperboard we see below their faces -- you know, the black and white thing they use to mark takes.

Oliver Amberg really works the eyeliner and the super-teased shag. He's also wearing really carefully deconstructed jeans and an awesome-looking t-shirt that I can't quite ID. He looks just like somebody, I can't quite place who -- the guy in Decline II who talks about being mistaken for a girl when he's in his car, but also like, someone from an actual band. Oliver really likes making eyes at the camera from under his thick bangs.

Tom Warrior is wearing a big white shirt, black pleather-y pants, and a wide, studded belt. His hair has been severely teased, and he's got on lots of eyeliner. Still, his face and especially his teeth have always made me think he looks like Chris Benoit. Like a glam Chris Benoit, anyway.

We don't see the drummer, Stephen Priestly, very well, but he looks to be wearing a Marilyn Monroe tee. I also enjoy that at the end of the video, he does the Tommy Lee thing (put one arm up beside your head and make a pouty/surprised expression) not once but three times in a row. It's like he wanted to make really sure they got that on film. Bassist Curt Victor Bryant has super-poufy hair a la Jeff La Bar, and is wearing a black jacket with a bunch of little like embroidered things on it or maybe pins. You know that bad faux Versace/Giorgio of Beverly Hills stuff people loved in the 80s. Little crests and stuff like that.

One of the weirdest parts of this video is the guitar solo. It's shot in that sort-of color, and we basically see it from the point of view of the guitar's neck. It's mostly Tom's hands really close up, but it's on an odd angle, so it's not like you get a good sense of what he's doing other than spinning past everyone else in the band.

Also, every time we get the woman's voice, everything goes all crazy. Black and white images of Marilyn Monroe are superimposed over faded color footage of the band, and all of it's at crazy angles. Did MTV ever actually play this, or did Vh-1 Classic dig this up on their own?

The more I watch this video, the weirder it gets. Also the song -- how is this about Marilyn Monroe exactly? I had always assumed maybe it was about the similarly-named Chekhov play, which would seem to make more sense given Celtic Frost's sort of more usual interests in highbrow esoterica. In both cases, we could think about the cherry trees as metaphors for the impermanence of life -- yes, in some ways, this is basically Celtic Frost's "Candle in the Wind." Or "Dust in the Wind." Nah, Marilyn Monroe theme means "Candle" trumps "Dust" here.

But no, for real, in the Chekhov play as here there are themes of impermanence, of change being the only thing you can count on. Cherry blossoms blow away, the cherry orchard is chopped down. Okay, okay, maybe I'm stretching too far. But seriously, you try to decipher these lyrics.