THE VIDEO Ozzy Osbourne, "Shot in the Dark," The Ultimate Sin, 1986, Epic
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SAMPLE LYRIC "Voices are calling from inside my head / I can hear them, I can hear them / vanishing mem'ries of things that were said / but they can't try to hurt me now-owww / but a shot in the da-a-ark / one step away from you / a shot in the da-a-ark / always creeping up on you"
EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION A white convertible full of metal chicks pulls up to a small, cottage-style home as this video opens. Impatient to begin their night's debauchery, the car's occupants (two in the front, one in the back -- and let us note the driver's sunglasses at night and captain's hat capping off some seriously big hair) begin yelling, "Let's go! Come on, Julie!" even though their friend is clearly already out the door and possibly has just been waiting for them from on the porch. The driver shakes her head in disgust as all the girls jostle around to make room for their friend (Julie).
All are wearing black, denim, and lots of jewelry involving studs, crosses, etc. (I wish you ever saw them clearly enough to really go into their outfits, but throughout the video they're mostly visible from the shoulders up. All are (somewhat improbably, considering this is the world of metal videos) brunettes, the driver has the longest hair, the passenger's is chin-length, and the girl in the backseat's is about shoulder length, all teased to perfection. Julie climbs over the girl already in the back to get in the car, and we can see she's got on jeans, a denim vest with some kind of black lacy top underneath, a couple of studded belts, and one studded glove (left hand). She looks over her shoulder somewhat sadly and says, "bye," as her grandmother (a guess on my part -- this woman looks way too old to be her mother) waves in sort of a bemused way, as if she has no idea who the girl who just left her house is.
Anyway. As they head into what I'm assuming is L.A. (another guess on my part), everyone's ready to rock. The two shorter-haired gals are sitting on top of the seats, which causes the driver (sunglasses now on her nose) to roll her eyes. Apparently not willing to be too much of a cramp on their style, she then raises her fist and is like "Woooo! Rock!"
The girl in the backseat points out some weird building to Julie, but before we can really get a good look Ozzy's giant, glowing, disembodied head is singing in front of the scene. He floats along in front of the car as we watch the street go on behind him (or through him, rather), then we're back with the babes as they spot a dude putting up a billboard advertising The Ultimate Sin. They're all yelling and waving at him except for Julie, who looks at it in a weird, contemplative manner. Her friend in the backseat looks concerned for about two seconds, then rolls her eyes and brushes her off as Julie puts her hands to her head and glows white for a moment.
As we close in on the first chorus, we find ourselves first again with Ozzy's head but then finally at the Ozzy concert, where Julie's head again appears to be screaming for Excedrin. Her friends are already hooching it up and appear to have laid claim to a couple of not-hot guys, and they're pumping their fists in the air as a large puppet zombie thing (not unlike Eddie -- p.s. btw you have got to click on that link, it's frickin' awesome. I was Powerslave Eddie, fyi) descends to the stage. It's crappy, tiny hands and generally papier-mached appearance cause me to think that the people who now make those big puppets that are inevitably at protests are closet metal heads, because those things look just like this, only they're, you know, Uncle Sam instead of a zombie corpse thing.
Anyway, as it hits the stage we see sparks fly, the crowd rocking out, and then the corpse's arms swing open and Ozzy's sitting in their in an enormous white sequined cape looking for all the world just like Elizabeth Taylor (no, not the way she looks in this picture -- the way she looked in 1986). He hops out of there, strikes a pose, and somehow that causes a puff of smoke in which the cape disappears. Ozzy's now wearing a white sequined billowing top with a wide belt, pouffy sleeves, and a carwash-strip hem. He's also got a piece of the same material tied to his mic, and he's wearing black leather pants (and no shoes. Ozzy never seems to be wearing shoes onstage, at least not, again, during his Liz Taylor era).
For the whole second verse, we pretty much watch Ozzy sing and walk around, and we do also see bassist Phillip Soussan (the only link I can find for him involves his playing bass on a riverboat casino in Mississippi -- wow) and guitarist Jake E. Lee for about a second each. We also see a bunch of crowd shots, including one of the girl who was previously the driver. She's finally lost the hat and sunglasses, I am pleased to report. Meanwhile, Ozzy et al. are rocking out, as are the other concert-goers, but every time Ozzy says, "shot in the dark" Julie's hands go to her head again. Ouch! As the chorus wraps up, she realizes she's suddenly gotten a manicure (long, black nails) mid-concert.
In the bridge, however, she suddenly has a new expression -- it's hard to describe precisely, but she definitely seems more in control (or at least she's conquered her headache). Jake E. works his way through the solo while Ozzy affably bobbles around, and the other chicks from the car continue to dance. Then as Ozzy says "shot in the dark" for about the jillionth time, Julie looks chagrined yet again as she realizes that her hair's getting pretty big and funky, and she's also now wearing an Ozzy-like billowing white blouse (mercifully sans sequins). Two seconds later though (as Ozzy's saying "nothing that you can do") she's gnashing her teeth and raising a hand in the air.
Ozzy then points into the crowd at her and beckons. And now, we finally solve the mystery of what the hell is happening. As we see Julie, her hand all stretched out in a funky claw and now wearing zebra-stripe spandex pants, it becomes clear as the camera pans up that she has now turned into the lady on the album cover for The Ultimate Sin, complete with glowing red eyes. We then see her, standing zombie-like, in a split screen first with Ozzy, then with fans, then Ozzy makes a scary face. Grr! Then we see the now-complete album artwork billboard from the beginning of the video (just for dumbasses who don't know what the album looks like).
And just like that, we're back on the road with Julie's trampy friends, who've taken those guys from the concert home with them but who don't seem concerned that they left their friend at the concert (admittedly though, from what we've seen of them, concern would be out of character). And on top of them, we still have the giant ghost Ozzy face singing. As the driver hits the brakes, one of the girls goes, "Awwwwwwwww, check it out! Is that Julie?" and another goes "No way!" The first girl goes, "No, it is her!" as the camera pans up to show us the billboard more clearly now.
And I mean, I guess it's her, but it's a crappy painting. It brings to mind Napoleon Dynamite's amazing "I spent three hours shading your upper lip" school of portraiture more than competent album art, but whatever. If they want to reassure themselves that she's now up on a billboard and not like, throwing up in a Port-a-Potty back at the arena, that's cool too.
THE VERDICT As Ozzy videos go, this one's not my favorite, but it's not bad either. I like how this weird girl actually ties together the different videos from the album, even if she is a sort of odd choice (she looks like she could be the daughter of the woman in "Wild Child", actually). I think the video's high point are 1), Ozzy's deteriorating appearance and penchant for sequins, and the similarity of both to Elizabeth Taylor's during the 80s, and 2) Julie's trashy friends.
Growing up, a couple of girls who looked just like this (and, incidentally, had a convertible, but it was red and much newer) lived across the street from us, and I was always pretty fascinated with them. They lived with their equally trashy mom, who had married the owner of the house (who was half her age, and they had met I think on a bus). Anyway. I remember that one time I got to go over there (I was much, much younger than these girls -- the younger of the two was I think like seven years older than me or something, which when you yourself are seven is a huge age gap).
Anyway, I don't remember it that well, but I do remember being really impressed with the way that they had absolutely plastered the place with posters of Poison and Lisa Frank-style unicorns. It was pretty awesome.
There was also a girl my age who lived quite far up the road, but whose house I also went to once or twice. She had a sister who was almost ten years older than her who commandeered a basement bedroom that was all fake wood paneling and Mötley Crüe posters. That was pretty badass.
Anyway, my point is, I never actually spent any time whatsoever with the older sisters in either house (in the case of the one across the street, I don't remember ever even seeing her up close), but either way, I definitely conjectured that their lives were like this. Turning it on and hitting a concert in their convertible and their acid-washed jeans. Who knows what they were really like, but the point is, it's videos like this that gave my impressionable young mind any idea what chicks like that were like (which was, at the time, of course what I thought I wanted to be like -- I was so going to grow up, get a perm, and become Rick Allen's best friend. But that's another story).