Twisted Sister feat. Alice Cooper, "Be Chrool to Your Scuel"

Schoolday of the Dead  

THE VIDEO Twisted Sister featuring Alice Cooper, "Be Chrool to Your Scuel", Come Out and Play, 1985, Atlantic 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Be cruel to your schoo-ool! / 'Cause you may never get another! / Be cruel to your schoo-ool! / In the name of rock n' roll!" 

THE VERDICT Never seen this one before? Not too surprising — MTV rejected it as too offensive at the time, Vh-1 Classic doesn't even air it now, and even Twisted Sister themselves have more or less buried it. 

It's pretty much their Heaven's Gate. What with all the celeb guests — Alice Cooper, obviously, as well as Bobcat Goldthwait; but behind the scenes you've purportedly got Brian Setzer, Clarence Clemons, and most bizarrely, Billy Joel — clearly this production cost a ton. We've moved beyond just like, people who are only famous for being in Animal House (though I know, Niedermeyer goes on to be the Maestro in Seinfeld. But that comes later). I think they pretty much blew their Stay Hungry money on this one. 

And as the opening of this video pointedly reminds us, Dee Snider was feeling pretty self-righteous about censorship as it was, having somewhat inadvertently having become the face (and voice) of heavy metal during the Parents Music Resource Center hearings (no one else from the world of metal really showed up to testify). It's no wonder that after working up this whole song and video only to have MTV pretty much kill it, they decided to shelve the whole thing. 

You also have to imagine that all the non-Dee Snider members of Twisted Sister weren't that into it anyway, as they barely figure in the video to begin with. All they really get to do is open lockers and peek inside. 

Anyway, the video begins with two quotes, both from the September 28, 1985 U.S. Senate Hearings on Rock Lyrics. First, from Dee: "Our videos are simply meant to be cartoons with human actors." Second, from Senator Ernest Hollings (D-SC, but really that D is in the old-line, Strom Thurmond southern Democrat sense): "It's just outrageous filth." 

I have to say, I do appreciate that at least at some point, something cool got discussed during one of these things. When I was in college, I had a work-study job at the library, and I worked in the government documents collection. OMG, does the U.S. government pump out a lot of paper. I spent a lot of time shelving the Congressional Record, so I'm glad that at least in 1985 it might have included some of this.

 

Then we get a lengthy vignette featuring Bobcat Goldthwait as a frantic high school teacher. Yeah, I kind of relate to this sequence. Sometimes when I'm teaching, I will just kind of go out of body for a second and be like, "Wait, does what I'm saying make sense at all? Or am I just saying completely random things?" I mean, the answers are always yes, and then no, but it's kind of like how sometimes you'll be driving your car, and suddenly you'll have a moment where you're like 'Oh, whoa, I'm driving right now', almost as if you somehow forgot you were driving? 

I know, I'm making you fear for the educational future of your children or whatnot right now. But really, if you're reading this, you should probably already be worried about your kids, heh heh. 

Anyway, the bell rings, and we get the usual teacher-gets-jostled-about-in-the-crowd-of-students shot. Does this ever really happen, outside of heavy metal videos and charismatic-teacher/principal-turns-around-a-troubled-school movies? I don't remember ever being in such a hurry to leave class that I needed to like, trample somebody. 

Fade to Bob quickly regaining his composure in an incredibly spacious teacher's lounge, with giant windows and ample seating. He grabs his Walkman from a cubby and settles into a couch beside another teacher who's also listening to headphones. The first teacher asks him what he's listening to, and Bob responds by yelling "TWISTED SISTER!" right into the guy's face. 

The other teacher plugs his headphones into Bob's giant Walkman so he can listen too, and suddenly — two full freakin' minutes in — Bob opens his eyes and transforms into Dee Snider. And the other teacher opens his eyes and transforms into Alice Cooper! 

There's spooky blue lighting, and dry ice fog, and naturally the other teachers have become Mark Mendoza, Jay Jay French, etc. I also enjoy how everyone demonstrates their transformation by looking at their palms in astonishment. 

Is that what one does when one wakes up as someone else? At least in Big and 17 Again and The Hot Chick and stuff like that, people react by looking in mirrors and completely freaking out and screaming a lot and stuff. But I think they decided (rightly) that this video was long enough.

 

Dee and Alice head into the hall and yup, the students are zombies. This is like the one heavy metal video about school that doesn't use some kind of A Clockwork Orange-type scenario, but zombies give you the same idea I suppose — less that education is force-fed, but still the same idea that it is somehow mindless. 

Despite the fact that Dee and Alice just push past the zombies, who seem totally harmless and uninterested in eating their brains, it's clearly the zombie footage that got this video nixed. Probably the grossest thing in it is the zombies-making-out scene, which involves one zombie sort of trying to pull the other zombie's jaw off—yup, it looks like when David Coverdale and Tawny Kitaen make out, only with rotting flesh. 

But on the plus, it reminds me of one of my favorite scenes in the best-show-you-haven't-watched, Bob's Burgers — Tina's zombie dream. Seriously, I love everything Jon Benjamin does so much.

Actually, it's not just the making out. A lot of disgusting stuff happens in this video. A student leaves an apple on teacher Dee's desk, and his hand and forearm get left along with it. 

Then again, I feel like worse stuff (and with much more realistic special effects) happens in "Thriller." I mean when that one corpse has all that green stuff come out of its mouth? Gee-ross. Okay, but then Dee acts like he's going to eat the arm, so. Michael Jackson did a lot of weird stuff, but cannibalism (or would this be like, necrophagy or something?) wasn't among it. 

The cafeteria scene is oddly reminiscent of "Hot for Teacher," with the band playing on a raised platform in one corner. But why is the lunch lady serving the zombies rubber rats? Shouldn't she be serving them brains? Or at least cold spaghetti noodles and peeled grapes? (Come on, you never did that when you were a kid? "These were his eyes!")

 

Okay, actually I think the grossest scene in this video is — well I'm not sure what's happening. At first it seems like it's the school nurse, but then you see other kids watching, so maybe it's some kind of bio class. But a zombie teacher is decapitating one zombie student, and then a student in the classroom imitates this by ripping open his own neck and going for what's in there. Yeah, it's early in the morning as I write this and that's making me feel a little queasy. Tracheotomies freak me out. (Wait, are there people who aren't freaked out by tracheotomies? Don't answer that.)

Suddenly Alice is dressed as a doctor too, and he shines his little light in one student's ear and has it come out the other. WTF is going on in this video?! Annnnd now he's got a scalpel out. Sorry Dee, but this is no Wile E. Coyote-style giant Acme anvil. You're getting a little too gruesome with this one. 

Though to his credit, he does use a fire extinguisher on the home ec teacher whose hands are on fire. But now Dee's biting people again. Is he the only real zombie here? 

There's a sequence with a zombie band playing that's pretty straightforward, and I assume is covering for the fact that aside from Alice, they couldn't actually get any of their guest musicians to appear in the video. Hence a zombie stand-in for Clarence Clemons, etc. Apparently this is where the bar was for him (RIP): He'd be in a Lady GaGa video, but not this. 

As the zombie students crowd into the auditorium, Twisted Sister quickly run to replace the zombie band. Speaking of zombies, have I mentioned yet that Alice Cooper looks freakin' exhausted in this video? You can tell the whole time that Dee is so into it, but Alice looks like he's barely even going through the motions.

 

Anyway, the whole zombie crew pours through the halls, and we get a quick meet-the-band sequence actually showing the non-Dee members of Twisted Sister — hey, remember them? 

Then we're back in the now normally-lit teachers' lounge with Bob, who's waking up. Wait, was it all just a dream? He puts his Walkman back in his cubby and heads out into the hall — where he is instantly smothered with zombie hands. Dunt-dunt-DAH! 

I think this video's biggest downfall might not even be the video — it's the song. Now I know I'm no big Twisted Sister fan, but among their singles I think this is actually the weakest. It's clear they love mining the look, feel, and sound of the 50s/pre-Beatles 60s (I mean remember what the other big single from this album was?). But this bizarre homage to the Beach Boys' "Be True to Your School" just doesn't work.  

P.S.: Oh my gosh, even in this already super-long post, I can't believe I forgot the one salient successful element of this video — it was one of the first things Luke Perry was cast in, and Twisted Sister are at times credited with having 'discovered' the future Dylan McKay. Can you believe it? 

I can't for the life of me figure out who he is in this video. He would have been about 19 or 20 when it was shot. My first guess was the kid in the center of the first photo strip, but he seems too young. Then again, Luke was playing high school-aged Dylan whilst in his late 20s/early 30s, so maybe when he actually was that age he looked like he was a tween? My second guess is the self tracheotomy guy (left photo in the bottom strip), though that might be the same guy. What do you all think? 

P.P.S.: Get it? Like the George Romero sequel?

  

Krokus, "School's Out"

Another School Year Bites the Dust  

THE VIDEO Krokus, "School's Out," Change of Address, 1985, Arista 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Schooooool's out! For! Summah! / Schoooooool's out! For! Evahhh!" 

THE VERDICT Ohhh Alice Cooper. Why couldn't you have made a video for this song? Sure, probably not back in the day, but why not even something more recent? I'd take anything to make me avoid Krokus. 

Oh Krokus. Why do you torture me so, with your refusal to write your own songs, and your dogged determination to make mediocre singles out of great ones? Sigh. But whatever, I'll take it, because indeed, school's (nearly) out for summer! Yes, I've still got grading to do, but I taught my last class of the year on Tuesday and people, I am stoked. I love teaching, but I am so ready for some time off from it. 

This song (well, the Alice Cooper version) is always on my mind this time of year. My one year-ending tradition is every year on the last day I go to campus I wear an ultra-cheesy Juicy Couture tee that says "School's Out for Summer" in giant, flocked navy blue letters (and yeah, the tee itself is like coral pink). And that concludes more detailed personal information than I've given you all about me in probably a year or so. 

Anyway! So Alice never made a video for this song, but of course Krokus made an abominably cheesy one. Luckily though, this video's actually pretty light on the Krokus, and heavier on everything else. Possibly 'cause they didn't want us to notice that the band appears to only own like one set of rock star clothing, and Marc Storace's fugly red unitard from "Burning Up the Night" is pretty distinctive. 

So anyway, we get way more plot (or well, "plot") in this video than we do footage of the band performing on a fake stage. Krokus basically take us to visit classrooms of many lands. We start off in an empty classroom, which becomes what I think of as the U.S. public school classroom in this video. Bored looking, mostly white teenagers dressed in the uniforms of various 80s subcultures (e.g. metal kids, valley girls), being lectured to by a youngish male teacher.

 

We also get what I assume is meant to be an Arab classroom — it's all male (teacher and students), and the students are all wearing robes and, in some cases, Muslim-style headdresses. Our other international classroom is I believe meant to be either China or Japan. My guess is China though, due to the very Communist Russia-looking outfits everyone has on and the spartan classroom. 

The last place we go is the one I think of as the prep school, which could be meant to be the U.S. again or, going with their international flavor, England. I call this one the prep school because these mostly white kids, in contrast to the first group, are in uniform — white shirts with little neckties. They're being taught by an old woman who waves a ruler at them while she speaks. I have to say here, I'm really surprised Krokus didn't go with a Catholic school for this one, and a full-on nun. It just seems like their style. 

Anyway, each classroom features one student who is wearing headphones and rocking out to Krokus — a metal guy in the public school, a boy air-drumming with rulers in the Arab school, a girl with two braids in the Asian school, and a blonde girl with one braid in the prep school. It takes a thought bubble over the head of a stoner-ish looking guy rocking indoor sunglasses in the public school though to transition us into seeing Krokus perform. 

As mentioned, Krokus are basically in their usual empty stage space. Bunch of lights, implied crowd at front, not a lot going on. They're all wearing their best white pleather, save for Storace's red polyester and Fernando Von Arb, who's wearing sort of lilac purple. They do lots of synchronized guitar waving while the different kids wearing headphones sing along with the verses. 

Oh yeah, the stoner kid also gives us the weirdest moment of the video. At one point, he's staring into space, looking at a supply closet-type thing on one side of the classroom. Suddenly, a woman in a black bikini appears lounging on top of it. She smiles and winks at him, and he pulls his sunglasses down, making a shocked face. Just as quickly, she disappears, and he breaks the fourth wall, giving the camera a "Did you just see that?!" face. So random.

 

The plot of the video, such as it is, is school letting out in each of these different classrooms. Every time this happens, chaos immediately ensues, and everyone throws their papers into the air (and sometimes even pushes their desks over). In the public school classroom, they even go so far as to grab the teacher and drag him out of there. 

Is this really what school letting out is like for anyone? It definitely wasn't for me. Sometimes I think I remember it happening, but I'm really just remembering the beginning of Dazed and Confused. I dunno, maybe it's 'cause I went to private school from seventh grade on, but I don't remember people being that excited when I was in public school either. 

For the first chorus, the public school and the Asian school let out. A trio of the public school girls (one wearing a Wham! "Choose Life" shirt) walking down some stairs sing the first round of "No more pencils, no more boo-ooks." They're followed by some of their rowdier classmates, carrying their struggling teacher. 

We then cut to fans watching Krokus perform — I believe we're meant to get that the kids from these different school scenes are then there watching Krokus, though I can only pick out kids from the public school and the prep school in the crowd sequences. Guess they didn't want people to think Krokus were too down with Arabs or (assuming it's China) communists. 

Ugh, Marc Storace. He barely gets out the line "we can't even think of a word that rhymes." And this red get-up is making him look even shorter. I almost feel bad for him when he does air guitar. He's sort of like the Michael Scott of heavy metal. Well, minus the likeability. But if it ever comes up, I could totally see him being played by Steve Carell. 

Okay, for the second chorus the Arab school and the prep school let out, and for the "No more pencils" bit, we get three prep school girls. As they leave the school, they remove their little neckties, causing Von Arb to blow a kiss. Ewww. 

The other students behind them seem much more orderly. No more teacher-kidnapping. We then go to some wide shots meant to imply it's a huge crowd watching Krokus perform. Krokus, I'm unconvinced. 

In short, Krokus, you are no Y&T when it comes to making funny high school videos. This gives me the idea though — I wish I were good at this kind of thing, but I know nothing about video editing. But it would be amazing to edit together all the nonexistent 80s teen movie bits from metal videos into some kind of amazing trailer for a metal 80s teen mega-movie. Dang, that would rule. 

Like I said, I don't have the editing chops to do it myself, but if anyone's up to the challenge, I'd be happy to consult.

Y&T, "Contagious"

It's Prom Season!  

THE VIDEO Y&T, "Contagious," Contagious, 1987, David Geffen Company SAMPLE LYRIC "(Ohhhh, ohhhh-ohhhh, ohhhhh, ohhhh) / Ooh, is gettin' dangerous, it's con-tayyyy-jus!" [Repeat repeatedly] 

THE VERDICT Now I know for people who are serious about their Y&T, Contagious is more or less the band's death rattle. But for people like me who are decidedly unserious, well — get ready for a shocker — I freakin' love this song. 

I know, right? Me? Y&T? Who'da thunk it? 

But apparently while a slick production, soaring vocals, and chanting don't work for Y&T diehards, for me it can't work better. I listen to this song all the time — it's a staple in all my workout mixes. I don't think they sound like Bon Jovi wannabes (Bon-nabes?) at all — I just think they sound hella good. 

And the video! Oh the video. This is truly Y&T at their finest. It's like they've taken all the elements of their previous videos — young protagonists, bad 80s movie feel, Airplane-esque sight gags, transformations, and so on — and melded them into one ultra, mega, mecha Y&T video. 

They really outdo themselves on this one, folks. And I love it. (I think for this whole post, just imagine me talking to you as if I were Will Ferrell doing James Lipton.) 

The video kicks off with a random kid riding a skateboard down the sidewalk, and then a shot of a slick-looking 80s guy in a tux cruising in a convertible (he's basically the James Spader of this video). The skateboarding kid (who's wearing a Y&T tee, btw) gives the convertible dude two thumbs up. As the guy stops in front of a little bungalow-style house, the non-Meniketti members of Y&T pop up for the first round of "Hey!"s. 

We then see James Spader's date — an attractive 80s blonde in a white strapless dress. You know the type — pearl necklace, french twist, hot in a bitchy way. Yes, she's more or less the Jessica Wakefield of this video.

The guys in Y&T smile and step away from the camera as she leaves her house. As Jessica leaves the frame, we get our first glimpse of the video's protagonist — a classic 80s movie nerd in a striped suit and heavy-framed, thick glasses.

 

Hmm, what should we call him... So many options for 80s movie nerds, from Revenge of the Nerds to Weird Science to... oh my gosh, you know what movie I watched the other day 'cause it was on Netflix Watch Instantly? Zapped, with Scott Baio. I forgot how amazingly weird that one is. It's sort of like a really non-scary horror movie that's kind of a comedy. 

Also, I think since previously I'd always watched it on the USA Network (always such a good source of bad teen movies during the daytime when you were on school breaks) I hadn't realized how much toplessness there is in it. Dude, there's a freakin' ton. 

All right, this nerd here is reminding me of Scott Baio, because he's got that "I'm not really a nerd, I am just being made to act and dress this way" vibe, so I'm inclined to call him Chachi. But I think that's too confusing, so let's just go with Screech. 

Screech swoons seeing Jessica all dolled up. Meanwhile, Y&T are lurking nearby, plotting something. We see Jessica leaving from what I assume is her house, while Screech (with his pants pulled up well past the navel) is leaving from a house next door labeled "Alpha Chapter Chess Club." Whatever Y&T, we get it, he's a nerd. No need to over-establish things here. 

Jessica hops into James Spader's car, and Screech (standing next to an old-school bicycle) waves enthusiastically at her from beside his porch. Jessica and Spader exchange a look, and she rolls her eyes. Screech becomes embarrassed, and the power couple drives off. This makes 3/4 of Y&T, who appear to have been hiding in the bushes the whole time, totally crack up. 

Screech takes off on his bike, but he's quickly stopped by Dave Meniketti himself grabbing his handlebars and singing in his face. They pull Screech off his bike (which one member of Y&T helpfully rolls out of the way), and at last, we've got all four guys in Y&T. 

Two drive up in a powder blue convertible (license plate 'SLICKER') while the other two toss Screech into the car. They drive off, with both guys in the front seat turning all the way around to continue singing at Screech, who's jammed in the middle of the backseat. Screech looks like he's gonna puke as they push and pull him while singing straight into his face. 

Oh, get ready for a Y&T silly visual gag — they drive past a bungalow house with a couple standing in front of it looking like Grant Wood's "American Gothic" (weirdly, this is so not the only metal video with an "American Gothic" reference). As the Y&T car rolls by, we see a flash of pink and green light, and then suddenly the farm couple have wild blown-out hair and sunglasses on, as if they were in an old Maxell ad. This makes Y&T crack up, but appears to terrify Screech. Y&T are supernatural!

 

And suddenly, we're at the prom. We get all these little random establishing shots which are great. Spader helps Jessica out of his car. A seriously MC Hammer-looking dude (he's got that weird tiny ponytail!) gets out of a Jeep Wrangler, while another couple walks by. 

Y&T pull up in front of a large banner that reads (in multi-colored block letters) "Warren G Harding Summer School Registration June 6th." They appear to be grabbing at something outside the car as they pull in. Then we see a random kid in a tux spraypainting the side of a dumpster, adding his tag before casually tossing the spraycan in the dumpster and being joined by his date. Seriously, can I watch this movie? 

Y&T hop out of their car, leaving a confused Screech behind. He fumbles his way out of the car, and the camera follows a couple's feet as they enter the school. They begin to climb stairs, while the camera goes under them, joining a dice game. Y&T join, and after Dave Meniketti rolls the dice, he then waves his hand again. A flash of light appears, and suddenly there are like two dozen dice, all sixes. 

The dudes who they seriously appear to have dressed as Run-DMC circa "My Adidas" appear nonplussed, while again Screech seems absolutely freaked out by Y&T's magic. (I'd also be remiss if I didn't mention that the dice players also include a white guy dressed as Ad-Rock in "(You Gotta) Fight for Your Right (To Party)", down to the red Stuyvesant t-shirt.)

Y&T bust into the prom, again pared down to a trio— what, did the director only let their drummer be in shots where he was sitting behind something? (The car, drumkit, etc.) That's cold. Oh no wait, there's four. Dang, did they get rid of their old drummer? (Again, this is how you know I'm no Y&T superfan.) 

They all sing enthusiastically. There's a dorky band playing onstage ("Yellow Tangerine," according to their bass drum) beneath a banner with what I assume is the prom's theme, "I did it my way." This repulses Y&T, and with an explosion of red light, they replace the band (and their banner and balloons, which gets switched to a Y&T banner). Y&T immediately commence rocking. 

Also yeah, this is totally a different drummer. I honestly hope that guy left the band for real, and they didn't just ditch the chubby guy they formerly had for this video (though if they had, it'd fit with the ethos of this video).

 

We see a couple of nerdy-ish guys enjoying the music, one dribbling a basketball. We also see a table of people watching, including I swear to god a guy who looks like their old drummer, who is holding a skateboard. I also enjoy the "surfer couple" — a blonde girl in a bikini top, sarong, and pukka shell necklace, and a blonde guy in just a white blazer (no shirt) and a similar necklace. Seriously, they could've stepped right out of "Party All Night." 

We can see balloons and streamers behind them, as well as a poster that says "Harding High School congratulates Dwayne Poindexter." Okay, I'm assuming that's Screech, but we can't see what he's being congratulated for. 

Ohh the next bit is classic Y&T video. We get a juxtaposition of first a quartet of nerdy, school-marmish women drinking from tea cups, and then a quartet of exaggerated biker types spiking the punch, with one woman taking a bite out of her cup and then spitting it out. 

We also see a couple of dudes in trench coats, hats, and sunglasses watching from the side — I'm not even sure what this is supposed to be. A new variety of nerd? Narcs? Principal? No idea. 

Jessica and James Spader walk through the room, and Screech tries to stop them. Spader soldiers on, but Jessica actually slows momentarily. Screech looks mortified and slinks away. We see many shots of Y&T chanting and rocking out, then another very Y&T gag — students dropping guns on a table in front of a man and a woman. At first it's hard to see, but there's a chalkboard to their right that says "Check your weapons here." 

There's also another congratulations sign behind the man at the table, but again, it's been placed too low to read what it's for. I don't know why they'd go to the trouble to make those signs and place them in the shots just to have them be obscured! 

The camera zooming into Meniketti's mouth tells us it is, indeed, "time to get wiiiiild." All the students at the prom jump up from their tables at once and begin enthusiastically dancing right in front of the stage (this shot was a bad idea — it's wide angle, and lets us see just how few people are actually there). I should also mention all Y&T's amps say "Y&T" on them. Not Marshall, not even Peavey. Just generic — oh, I mean, Y&T. Sure.

 

Screech makes a grab for Meniketti's guitar, and Dave waggles a "tsk-tsk" finger at him. He then points right at Screech. Screech spins around and slowly points at himself, and then poof! In a blast of gold light, he becomes transformed into an 80s movie hottie in a white tuxedo. He even winks right at us! 

Yes friends, Screech has become Zack Morris. Jessica is of course terribly impressed by this, while her date James Spader is much less so. Zack looks over at her all "How you doin'?" She seems amazed by this and hurries to his side. 

Zack then points again, and with a flash of green light turns Spader (or at least his head) into a cheap rubber mask monster. Meantime, Y&T are rocking hard, and Jessica is all over Zack. With the final round of "Hey!"s, Y&T take it over the top, while Jessica and Zack turn to us all slick in dark sunglasses. 

The moral of this video? Don't be yourself. Sure, they've got a lot of wacky Y&T stuff here, but come on — no robot?! This video has everything but the robot!! 

And weirdly, I feel like for me at least, this is the moral of this song — don't be yourself. Y&T stray from their straight-ahead rock roots and Def Lep it up, and I love it! 

This is, of course though, a really treacherous message. In both cases, you're giving up the affections of those who truly loved you for those of a hot, shallow girl who was previously only interested in making fun of you. It works in the short term, but as Y&T quickly found out, not in the long term. 

Honestly you guys, this video is like a vaguely supernatural version of Can't Buy Me Love wherein no one learns a valuable lesson about learning to be yourself, or even just about not whoring yourself out just to replace your mom's dress you accidentally spilled wine on. 

Spinal Tap, "Bitch School"

The Majesty of Schlock

THE VIDEO Spinal Tap, "Bitch School," Break Like the Wind, 1992, MCA

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "It's time to give the whip a crack / I'm gonna have to send you back / to bitch schoooool! / bitch schooooool!"

THE VERDICT That post about "Girlschool" last week put me in mind of this video, which let's face it, isn't all that different. This is the genius of Spinal Tap: It's a parody that goes so far around the bend in being a parody that it basically comes all the way back and is the real thing. I could turn this into some kind of crazy Baudrillard simulation/simulacra/simulacrum thing, but I'll spare us. Suffice to say, they totally put the rather excellent "Big Bottom" on The Heavy Metal Box box set from a couple years back.

The concept of this video is literally the same as that of the Britny Fox one last week: "The whole video takes place in an all girls' school." Pretty much the biggest difference is that the teacher is a sort of Marilyn Monroe lookalike in S&M gear as opposed to a husky harridan. I guess also the girls go from being out of control to being under control rather than vice versa. And the band jumps into the classroom rather than having the classroom wall appear to drop away, implying that of the two this video actually had the higher budget.

While Britny Fox's video is sort of funnyish -- there's the whole thing with the janitor, and the teacher getting all flustered -- what really separates the Spinal Tap video are the segments that are explicitly meant to be humorous. So one of the times they all leap into a new set, Michael McKean -- I mean, David St. Hubbins -- winds up stuck outdoors. And the sexy teacher bites through chalk as well as lipstick -- possibly I should incorporate this into my classroom repertoire to bring my students in line.



None the less, the more I watch this video, the less different it is from other heavy metal videos that take place in schools. I mean think about it: Scantily clad women doing weird aerobic workouts? Why yes, just like in Kix's "Body Talk." Catholic school girls out of control? Uh-huh, just like in "Girlschool" from Britny Fox, which we looked at last week. Sexy teacher shown walking through a crowded classroom from behind? The exact same shot is in Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher." Nigel Tufnel plays a guitar made of Marshall amps in front of a giant stack of Marshall amps? The real metal guys just wish they'd thought of that one.

You could make the argument that the song is too silly to be taken seriously as a "real" metal song. Okay, sure -- the whole thing is a long metaphor about dog training (did it help give Christopher Guest the idea for Best in Show? Um, I totally hope so). On the one hand, degrading to women -- on the other hand, easy to claim it was a song about a dog (though I guess the video makes it a little tougher).

Does this sound familiar to anyone? It should, if you've ever heard Axl Rose explain the Guns N Roses song "Used to Love Her" -- a.k.a. "I used to love her, but I had to kill her." With all the stuff about how he can still hear her complain, and she's buried in the backyard, and blablabla. And when actual people did complain, what rationale did Rose use to explain his lyrical artistry? It was a song about his dog.



This is why Spinal Tap keeps coming back every ten years or so: Because there are all these little ridiculous things just littered all around the metal landscape, just waiting for someone to pick them up and realize they are hilarious. And I don't mean one of those idiot talking heads on Vh-1 -- don't even get me started on them. Seriously. Don't. Even. Get. Me. Started.

What credential does some bimbo from HGTV have to be talking about metal? Or most of those stand-up comedians? Or anyone whose claim to fame is being a contestant on a Vh-1 reality show? Puh-leeze. That should be me up there people. That. Should. Be. Me. I know way more about metal than any of those idiots with the exception of Eddie Trunk and come on -- I am way easier on the eyes than Eddie Trunk. Trust me.

Okay, okay, okay. Back on track. Let's just say Tap rules. Allmusic is always all "well they're parody songs, so you can only listen to them so many times," but I say not so. They're pretty well done and eminently listenable. I mean sure, a song like "Sex Farm" is no "Cherry Pie," but it's a hell of a lot better than something like "The Lumberjack" (if we're going to stick with all songs that are silly metaphors for sex). In other words, Spinal Tap are a more competent metal band than, well, more than a few real metal bands.

Britny Fox, "Girlschool"

I Don't Feel Tardy

THE VIDEO Britny Fox, "Girlschool," Britny Fox, 1988, Columbia

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "At the girrrrrrlschool / 'Cause my baybay broke all the rules! / At the girrrrrrrrrrrrrlschool / 'Cause my baybay broke all the rules"

THE VERDICT So, as I went to wrangle all the images for this week's post, suddenly Photoshop decides it doesn't want to open JPGs. In fact, it doesn't want to open anything except PSD's -- PhotoShop Documents. How much does this help me? Um, not at all. I tried every single fix I could find online, up to and including wiping all traces of it and then reinstalling Photoshop, and not one of them worked. Not one! Long story short, I had to upgrade, finally did, and boom, here I am. And only one day late!

Anyway, it's September again, and even though I personally don't have to go back to school for another month -- yes, be jealous -- it's back to school for pretty much everyone else. Hence, I've decided to highlight metal videos about school. You have to love metal videos about school: First, they're kitschy. Second, they often look like long-lost 80s movies that in fact never existed. But third, and decisively, they force bands to acknowledge the relative youthfulness of much of their core audience in a way that you almost never see happen outside of pop.

"Girlschool" (not to be confused with the band Girlschool) is no exception. The video kicks off with a bumbling janitor -- think Ernest Works for Minimum Wage (speaking of 80s movies that don't actually exist!) -- peeking into a classroom at an all-girls' school. The students are all wearing short-sleeved buttondown shirts and quite demure knee-length plaid skirts, letting us know there's more than just that "e" separating this Britny from that Britney.

In another feature particularly common to school-oriented videos -- cameos by minor celebs -- the class is totally being taught by a woman who I can't put my finger on it, but she's totally recognizable from 80s movies. She's not the lady who played the gym teacher in Porky's, but she's totally in that vein. She looks pleased with herself to be in this video, and I'm glad she's here too.



The camera follows several girls as they enter the classroom, and draws our attention to one girl, who's rocking a side ponytail and those wire and foam headphones absolutely no one has used since like 1992 -- the kind where at any volume, everyone can hear exactly what you're listening to. The teacher glares at her as she sits down, then goes back to writing "Classical music theory J.S. Bach" on the board.

A bit of googling tells us side pony is "lingerie and poster model" Kim Anderson, who also appears in "Patience" and "I Want Action" as well as... uh... one episode of Married With Children. Other auspicious roles include "porno actress" and "woman on street," as well as unverified uncredited performances on Baywatch. She is not to be confused with this Kim Anderson, whose aesthetic also permeates metal videos such as "Because the Night" and "Don't Close Your Eyes."

As the bell rings, the other girls open their books, while side pony hits play on her Walkman. This actually kicks off the song. The teacher whips her head around, spots side pony rocking out, and brandishes scissors. As soon as she cuts the cord running to her headphones however, the front of the classroom magically disappears and is replaced with Britny Fox performing on a soundstage.

The other girls' reaction shots are priceless. Side pony immediately starts jumping up and down while the teacher glares at her. A later shot reveals that though the teacher can hear the music, she can't see the band -- when she turns around, the blackboard reappears. See kids? School. That's where the magic happens.



Why didn't Britny Fox catch on? Well, watching the band for a minute gives you some clues. Dean Davidson might sound like a poor man's Tom Keifer, but he looks like Steven Tyler as drawn by Jack Davis. Even though it was the 80s, this isn't a good thing. Britny Fox fall into the metal typology of "frilly" bands -- arguably, they define the category. But the thing is, these lads don't have the looks or the chops to pull off all this lace.

At least in my opinion. These schoolgirls disagree. As the song progresses, they get wilder and wilder, tossing their hair about, knotting their shirts up, and dancing like crazy. It's like an all-girl, glitter-less version of the final scene in Footloose. By the first chorus, they've all transformed from completely buttoned-up, demure little things who barely look fifteen, to the kind of gals who probably would hang around the Britny Fox tour bus. Well, hotter versions of those girls.

Also, they've magically gotten accessories. Somehow, they've all managed to add colorful gloves, studded belts, and numerous bracelets to their previously staid ensembles. The teacher struggles to get them to sit down, but they won't have any of it.

Instead, they listen to Dean, who leers "you're staying after schooooool" to kick off the guitar solo, which features Michael Kelly Smith standing on top of the teacher's desk. He looks like an ugly version of Steve Whiteman with extremely fried hair. Why he ditched Cinderella to join a band that sounds like a watered-down version of Cinderella... I don't know. I guess it's sort of the opposite of doing what everyone who got really famous did, i.e. leaving London.



Following the solo, things get even more frenzied. The teacher gets into it, waving her arms and high-fiving the girls, even letting down her hair. There's much head-banging and face-making on everyone's parts. The song ends abruptly, and the teacher acts super-surprised by this. All the girls smile at her knowingly, then she sort of nods at them.

And then what? Do they all just finish class with wild hair and wilder accessories? Or does everyone start re-braiding and peeling off their colorful gloves? I want to know more. Much, much more.

I mean face it, this largely okay-ish song is really just screaming to have been made into a plotless, full-length feature 80s teen sex comedy a la Private School. Then we could get a big finale scene of everyone getting involved in some crazy caper. Maybe they could bring back in that janitor from the first scene. Or Rodney Dangerfield. Or even a zany-graduation-antics scene. I'll take anything!

And don't worry -- I'll get my images game in order early for next week, so hopefully this won't happen again. I know this was WAY too many pictures for how much I actually had to say about this video this week, but once I finally got Photoshop up and running again, I was just a little too excited to be able to have pictures. And come on, even if the song isn't that great, this video is pretty dang entertaining.

Y&T, "Don't Stop Runnin'"

My New Year's Resolution

THE VIDEO Y&T, "Don't Stop Runnin'", In Rock We Trust, 1984, A&M

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "(Keep on running) / Don't stop running! / (Keep on running) / 'Cause you can't catch me / You better keep on running / (Don't stop running!) / Oh yeah-ahhh!"

THE VERDICT Can you believe, and I mean truly, can you believe Motley Crue's first live show was opening for this band? Crazy but it's true folks, crazy but it's true. Reasonably decent songs aside, Y&T (which stands for Yesterday and Today) are cheesy as all get out. And as if their songs were not cheesy enough, they up the ante with their videos -- and by up the ante, I actually mean they go all in. With schlock like this, Y&T don't appear to be holding anything back (though allmusic always claims they're in on the joke).

Nonetheless, I thought it would be a good idea to end the decade and kick off the new one with some inspirational fare. While I toyed with many songs that encourage us to keep rocking and indeed, not stop rocking, in the end I picked "Don't Stop Runnin'" because it allows a bit of a wider interpretation. Also because this kind of work hard, achieve your dreams thing is more or less the new year's/new decade's resolution I set for myself. I'm in the midst of several personal and professional projects at the moment, and sometimes it's hard to see an end in sight. Thus, my resolution to "keep on runnin'."

Come to think though, I probably should have resolved to "Hang Tough," and thus blogged about Tesla -- a band and a song I much prefer to Y&T. But come on, Tesla never made a video with an apparently 30-something high school nerd turning into a robot, so we're sticking with Y&T.

Our video begins with said nerd (Paul) asking an equally not-young-looking popular girl (Susie) out on a date to a concert that evening (which we can only assume is Y&T). She harshly turns him down, letting him know she "wouldn't go to a funeral" with him and that she's going out with Big Man On Campus Charlie tonight.



That aside, we know she's popular because, come on, look at the size of the bow on her head! If we're to have learned anything from the movie Heathers, it's that high school social status is inextricably linked to the size of the bow affixed to one's noggin. The interchange is so awkward that the nerd appears to slam himself into a locker. Next thing you know, the BMOC has rolled up, causing the nerd to punch himself. Let's face it, he's kind of a hard protagonist to sympathize with.

The nerd heads home to his Y&T poster-bedecked room, where he can soothe himself with some tunes on his giant cassette Walkman. Throwing himself onto his bed (which, along with his bedroom, overall looks suspiciously like the room from "Cum On Feel the Noize" with some added decor), he's maligning his geek status when suddenly --

His Walkman explodes, and his face turns into the guy from the old Memorex ads! Next thing you know, a big metal breastplate pops through his shirt, he's got metal teeth, and big, useless metal hands -- yes, he is turning into the Y&T robot. This transformation appears to make him as baffled and sweaty as his exchange with the girl, and before you know it, yup, he's a robot. They can't likely afford the special effects to actually show the transformation, so we just get rapid cuts back and forth between the robot's face, and the nerd with metal teeth. Oh wait, not braces, more like grills.

The robot doing some aerobicizing gives way to Y&T performing live-ish in front of a fairly robust crowd. In fact, close-up shots of the robot are used to transition from scene to scene throughout the video, which is kind of weird. Apparently, the robot is flying around the Y&T concert as well as hovering over Southern California.



We next see the BMOC pull up in a white convertible to pick up the girl. He looks smug, and she looks thrilled, having put an even larger bow in her hair. She's also now wearing a flouncy, puffy-shouldered white dress and white gloves. As his car pulls away, we see that the BMOC's vanity plate reads "STUD BOY." Eww.

Oh snap, now the robot is onstage with Y&T. Just when I was about to say that based on their level of sweatiness and the lack of decent camera angles this probably was a live performance. The robot sort of hop-skips toward the camera before hopping over it. My guess is the costume is made out of foam rubber -- it looks soft and squishy.

Now the robot is flying (aka superimposed) over the Y&T audience. We then see the girl and BMOC driving (aka also superimposed) at night. She's attempting to look less than thirty by blowing bubbles with her gum, while he's more or less continuing to look smug. Ooh, now the robot is flying (you know what I'm going to say by this point) over the city. All of this is interspersed with shots of various members of Y&T sweating and yelling.



The girl and BMOC suddenly find themselves at a stop sign, that is somehow also possibly in an alley, quite shocked and confronted with three uh... I guess they're supposed to be punks, but this is in the sense that Nic Cage in Valley Girl is supposed to be a punk. The girl makes ridiculous overacting faces, and the BMOC shrinks down in his seat as the "punks" size them up. Also, let me mention one of the "punks" is a chick wearing black lipstick and an eyepatch with a large "tattoo" that says "Search and Destroy" in the center of her back. Oooh, rough neighborhood.

The tallest punk reaches in and grabs the car keys, while the lady punk smiles at the wide-eyed girl. The BMOC gets out of the car only to be roughed up by the two guys. They then get the girl out of the car and start pushing her around -- aww, the tall guy even grabs her bow! She's powerless without it! The BMOC watches in horror and then runs away.

There's a weird moment where the girl gets thrown to the ground, and then she and the punk girl sort of look at each other knowingly. I kind of feel like that moment is the only time we sense any sort of real chemistry in this video. Then it's back to the robot flying around, apparently content to enjoy the power of flying (can you blame him?) and let the girl get hassled by the punks. No worries, as she then punches the guy punk with the weird eye makeup (it appears to spell out "BITE" -- seriously, where did they learn about punks for this video?). This then inexplicably leads to him taking out his aggression on the "STUD BOY" vanity plates.

The vandalism of private property finally somehow gains the robot's attention. Let me mention also that when the robot is "flying", all its parts don't fit together -- there appear to be big gaps in its body such that its head and arms are just floating above its torso. Heaven knows what green screen problems caused this to happen. He spots the alley and somehow magically sees a close-up of the girl being harassed in a little starburst/price sticker shape.



The punks' jaws drop as the robot comes bouncing out of some dry ice fog. The robot fights the punks, grabbing the tall one's fist in his lobster-claw-looking hands, then doing an Undertaker-esque choke slam on the one with the eye makeup and lifting him staight out of his boots (during this shot, we also get to see that the robot appears to be wearing um, men's dress shoes).

This all proves too much for the girl, who faints, leading to some shots of Y&T and their fans all looking especially excited. The robot grabs the girl up in his claw hands and carries her out of the alley. (Ooh, you know it's a bad part of town when someone has spraypainted "Rock" on the side of a building.)

Now for the best part of the video: She wakes up, sees the robot, and gets way more scared than when she was just being abandoned by her date and beaten up by the punks. I mean, it's a giant effing robot with metal teeth and claw hands, and she probably doesn't know what the "Y&T" on its chest means! She punches the robot in the chest until he puts her down, and then she runs away to -- around the corner. Yes, she runs like ten feet and then stops, as if the robot isn't about to turn the same corner too. And now the best part of the best part: THE ROBOT CRIES A SINGLE TEAR. We get a pretty ambiguous reaction shot of the girl, still leaning against the wall, but that robot tear is just the piece de resistance of the Y&T video oeuvre, if you'll allow my overuse of French pour une minute.

Next thing we know, we see the Walkman lying on the bed, totally unexploded, and the nerd sitting up in bed, exclaiming "whoa!" and touching his head and body. "Aw shucks, fell asleep listenin' to Y&T again!" But then, he realizes something -- the left lens on his glasses is broken! Sacre bleu, how could this be? It couldn't just be that he, I don't know, was taking a damn nap with glasses on. But then he pulls down part of his sheets, and finds what appears to be either the robot's shiny Y&T breastplate, or a really, really large Y&T guitar pick.



He smirks at it knowingly, but what the hell that proves, I have no idea. "Yeah, I did save the girl, but she hated that scary robot and had no idea it was me." How is that good news?! Come Monday morning, she's going to be back to hanging off STUD BOY, and he's going to be slamming himself into his locker.

But I guess, as the song implies, he will "keep on runnin'" in spite of the fact that the girl is now terrified of him instead of just ignoring/dissing him. That's what it's all about, right? Persistence in the face of setbacks.

And besides, he has reason to believe she'll come around. I mean, if there's one thing we've learned from 80s movies, it's that hot women love nerds. And if there's one thing we've learned from the 80s movie Heavy Metal, it's that if there's one thing hot women love more than nerds, it's robots.

Trust me -- this video is so bad, it makes me forget that "Don't Stop Runnin'" is actually a pretty decent song. Confusingly though, it's being told to a person who "wants another chance" with the song's ostensible narrator, which is weird. The lyrics fit most with the video if you construe them as being from the point of view of the girl, Susie, even though she does not seem to in any way want the nerd to "keep on runnin'" to try to "get next to" her, let alone "feel the ecstasy." So maybe between this and the robot tear, this video wasn't quite as inspirational as I thought. But it was fun, wasn't it?

Kix, "Body Talk"

A Less-Dirty, Live-Action American Apparel Ad

THE VIDEO Kix, "Body Talk", Cool Kids, 1983, Atlantic

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "They know that she talks, body talk / pictures I can see / she talks body talk / [body talk body talk]"

THE VERDICT Crab cakes and calisthenics baby, that's what Maryland does! Or so one would come to think from watching this Kix video, unparalleled in its sheer damn-is-that-girl-even-18-oh-no-wait-she's-30-no-omg-that-girl-is-15-max-ness. A group of gals outfitted in their best tights, legwarmers, leotards and high-waisted pants bust into a school gymnasium (which is possibly being decorated for a dance? There are streamers on the walls and at the very beginning, they surprise a girl who seems to be hanging balloons) and begin doing very basic sorts of stretches and aerobic moves. It's basically an indoor version of the gratuitous gym class scene from Private School.

Enter Kix, checking out the girls' butts and looking awesome. (Also no matter what allmusic claims, the band does not work out in this video. They're no Judas Priest.) In eyeliner, black jeans, a red-striped shirt, black vest, and ratty blonde hair the likes of which TV's Jenny Humphrey wishes she could pull off, Steve Whiteman looks the most like Robin Zander he'll ever look, which is saying a lot since he more or less always looks like Robin Zander.



Also deserving of mention is guitarist Brian Forsythe for a killer ensemble of ripped, skinny jeans, a Slade tee, and a patch-covered vest. Also meriting discussion is bassist Donnie Purnell who looks, well, like not the kind of guy you want hanging around your high school gym.

As for the song: Me, I love it. I know some folks don't though, because it's a bit new wave for a rock band (being someone who loves synth and new wave, this isn't a problem). But come on, who doesn't enjoy the occasional Frampton Comes Alive-esque talk box? Seriously people, don't let all this T-Pain autotune crap make you get it twisted -- vocal effects can still sound fresh and different. In this song, added with the random Eastern-inspired elements, it works.

Because everything about this song is random. If you want a song named "Body Talk" that lives up to its scintillating title, go listen to Ratt (actually regardless, let me make that recommendation. Ratt rules). But if you want a bunch of girls who look like Mary Anne Spier gussied up in eyeliner and a leotard, this is the video for you. Always felt like Kelly Kapowski was "too pretty" and thus wouldn't talk to you? Again, let me recommend this clip. There's even one gal rocking kind of a Freddie Mercury black-and-white look. This video's got it all.



It's hard to choose a favorite scene, but I am going to have to vote for the breakdown at the end ("talk, TALK, talk to me, body talk, talk") where they give up on shooting additional footage and just show still photos of the band (lit so their instruments look extra shiny -- ew that sounded bad) mixed with still photos of the aerobics girls posing for the camera. Not since Ratt's "I Want a Woman" have so many average-looking women been put on a pedestal in a heavy metal video. Gosh, I know I am trying to talk about Kix here but somehow I keep winding up focused on Ratt.

Long story short, this video rules. But also, between the awkwardness of the women, the voyeurism (e.g. the shots of one of the women primping before a mirror), and the extensive collection of layered, colorful lycra spandex on display, I can't believe this video isn't playing 24/7 in American Apparel stores. I mean really, how can they not know about this? Clearly they get their ideas for bringing back splatterpaint spandex from somewhere. Oh wait, that was from Enuff Z'nuff.

Twisted Sister, "I Wanna Rock"

We Don't Need No Education

THE VIDEO Twisted Sister, "I Wanna Rock," Stay Hungry, 1984, Atlantic Records

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "I wanna rock! [ROCK!] / I want to rock! [ROCK!] / I wanna rock! [ROCK!] / I want to rock! [ROCK!]"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION We briefly see a classroom filled with kids talking loudly and throwing paper at each other, then cut to a pair of legs clad in slacks and men's dress shoes striding in authoritatively (the sounds of the kids' ruckus still audible throughout, along with the sound of the shoes hitting the linoleum). Suddenly, all the kids stop what they're doing and face the camera, and one kid runs through the room to grab his seat.

The camera pans up from the feet as the teacher makes it to the front of the room, and in addition to the fact that he's wearing a suit and bowtie, we also recognize that its Niedermeyer, the mean ROTC dude from Animal House. He smiles maliciously at the students. He says "hello, students" and snaps his fingers, making (from the sound of it) a door close and all of the kids sit straight up in their seats.

Taking off his jacket, he continues, "School has begun. The summer is over. I am in command." The students all groan and look down, and he says, "What was that? For that little outburst each and every one of you will spend three hours in detention, today, immediately after school, in the basement." The volume of his voice increases as he speaks, and he begins to walk up one of the aisles between the desks.

He stops beside one desk, and we see him looking incredulous. "What do you think you're doing?" Then we see a chubby rocker kid, with longish brown hair and a jean jacket, looking sheepish. The teacher holds up a hardcover book on which the kid has just scrawled a large "TS" Twisted Sister logo. Continuing to look stunned, the teacher says "Twisted Sister?" He then begins to get pretty histrionic, while the kid nervously looks on. "What kind of a man desecrates a defenseless textbook? I've got a good mind to slap your fat face." With that last line, the teacher, now obviously sweating, grabs the kid's cheek in his hand.



The teacher continues on, now yelling hysterically. "You are destroying your life with that, that garbage. All right, 'Mister Sister,' I want you to tell me, no, better yet, stand up, and tell the class," as he pulls him to his feet. "Whatta you wanna do with your life?" The kid, standing there all pitifully, suddenly cries out in the voice of Dee Snider, "I wanna rock!" and with the first chorus of "rock!" spontaneously transforms into Dee Snider, just as four of his classmates instantly appear as the other members of the band. This causes the teacher to be blasted upward, out of his shoes (which we quickly see on the ground, smoking). His head breaks through to the floor above, which is apparently the gymnasium -- as he looks befuddled, a basketball bounces just in front of his head.

He continues to make panicky faces, and a basketball player (who we see only as a pair of legs) appears in front of him, dribbling a ball. Meanwhile, back in the classroom all the kids have left, and Twisted Sister have made their way to the front of the room, where they grab the teacher's wildly kicking legs. They push him up through the hole in the ceiling, and we see him fly through the air in the gym.

We actually hear him yelling, even though the song has begun. The teacher flies through the basket, taking the net and rim down with him, and we see the scoreboard give Twisted Sister two points (for those keeping score, its Twisted Sister 02, Teacher 00). The teacher, with the net and rim twisted around his head, makes a growly face.



As the first verse begins, we're outside the school where we see a guy laying cement (surely, that won't come into play later!). In the background, we can see a group of people advancing (the video's too poorly lit to really see who it is). For the first big "No!" we see a concert-style shot of a bunch of kids shouting along, then we see Dee in full makeup for his first big "nono, nono, nooo." Okay, now that the people are getting closer, we can see that it's Twisted Sister along with a bunch of fist-shaking kids walking forward. The guy laying cement stops what he's doing to gesture to them to stop.

Then we cut to the teacher, who's up on the roof of this sort of breezeway thing. He sees the crowd coming and looks back with a devious expression. He then crawls toward the other side of the roof. For the second round of "no"s, we're back at the concert again, first seeing Dee, then A.J. Pero, then J.J. French, then Dee again, showing off his pasty midriff. As we launch into the chorus, the teacher jumps off the roof at the kids running by below. Of course, though, he jumps straight into the wet cement that they're all running past.

Dee opens chainlink doors, then we see the teacher lift his cement-covered face with an annoyed look. We then see kids yelling "rock!" along with the chorus. There's one really overexcited blonde kid wearing studded wristcuff-style things who is kind of amazing. They all rock out, and we cut between them and Twisted Sister, who are there with them. We then see the teacher sneaking out toward them, holding a grenade. Smiling, he pulls out the pin, and then throws the pin so it lands right at Dee's feet.

We now see a shot that shows us that all the kids are sitting in bleachers beside a pool, with the band standing in front of them with their backs to the pool. The second verse begins, with Dee and kids singing enthusiastically, then we see the teacher grinning. He holds his hands to his ears waiting for the explosion, then realizes that in one hand, he's holding not the pin but the grenade. He looks over at the grenade in horror. After seeing Dee sing, we then see the teacher trying desperately to throw the grenade away, but for some reason it is stuck to his hand.

As the second chorus begins, with Dee crawling through the railing around the bleachers and the kids in the audience enthusiastically headbanging, the teacher jumps into the pool. On the second "I wanna rock!" we see the explosion lifting him straight up out of the pool with water going everywhere, even though when we see the band the pool water behind them is absolutely placid. The teacher's ascent is stopped by the diving board, which he sort of ricochets off with the bottom of with his head.



For the bridge, Dee & Co. go back inside the school, and now on the "rock!"s we see a line of kids banging their heads into lockers. These are interspersed with shots of Twisted Sister coming down the hallway. We then see the teacher making wily faces, and he starts to sneak through a door holding several sticks of dynamite (we saw him just a few seconds before setting up the detonator thing). As Jay Jay kicks into the guitar solo, we see the teacher crawling along the ground holding the dynamite in his mouth.

In the meantime, a butterfly is buzzing around the uh… I don’t know the word for this… the t-shaped bar you push down on to make the trigger the explosion. It's marked "danger." We see the teacher crawling behind Jay Jay's legs, placing him now somehow onstage behind the band. But outside, the butterfly has settled on the t-shaped thing, and its delicate weight is enough to push it in. The dynamite of course explodes, and the teacher is blasted straight up in the air in a giant plume of smoke. Somehow, this also causes the butterfly to explode (or at least, its wings to snap off).

The teacher is caught by people in the crowd, and the band continue to rock out. The crowd pump their fists with every "rock!" We then see the teacher crawling down one of the school's hallways. He opens a door marked "Principal" and crawls into an office as we see each member of the band yelling "rock!" The teacher pulls himself up on the desk, and the person at the chair behind the desk spins around. It's Flounder, the fat pledge from Animal House. He gleefully says, "Oh boy, is this great!" then sprays the disheveled-looking teacher in the face with a seltzer bottle.



THE VERDICT It's weird how many battles Twisted Sister felt they had to fight, since they're so patently inoffensive. Yes, wearing makeup in a most unattractive way is odd, but it in no way marks them as offensive in the way that the bikini-clad strippers and casual pseudo-occultism of other bands' videos might to some eyes. Never the less, Dee Snider in particular has always been willing to fight for rock, as a mostly self-appointed spokesperson for the metal genre.

It seems a lot of people at the time were not that into him as a voice for metal, but at the same time, you didn't see most of those lads testifying before the Senate, did you (you did however see Frank Zappa and uh, John Denver -- and no, for the record, I'm not happy about having to link to a site that bills itself as a "a conservative news forum," but it was the only place I could find the excerpt -- and honestly whatevs, because Dee has since gone on to make peace with Al Gore).

While I don't always agree with Dee's opinions on things, I will say that he is much more well-spoken than many of these folks as well as being a very thoughtful person, so its not surprising he puts himself into the positions. Hey, he was also the host of the original rock program on MTV, Heavy Metal Mania, which eventually got turned into Headbanger's Ball (sans Dee).

It is weird though that people would go after Twisted Sister, and the fact that they did has got to be all about the makeup. Everything else about them is very, well, teenage, for lack of a better word. Actually, pre-teen. The majority of their hit songs are pretty much about rock, rocking, and one's rights thereto. Their two most famous songs, this one and "We're Not Gonna Take It" are both basically about the struggle between headbangers and various authorities over the right to play music loudly (whether you're the one actually holding the guitar or you're just playing it over a stereo). Both feature almost exactly the same plot, with a hapless young male turning into Dee Snider and the dude from Animal House (in this video as a teacher, in the other as a father) attempting to thwart the band's rocking.

Both videos are very intentionally cartoonish. I have heard Dee Snider say multiple times that they wanted the videos to seem like Roadrunner and Wile E. Coyote cartoons, and they definitely succeed in that. Honestly, practically the only difference is that we don't see Neidermeyer receiving all his bombs and stuff in big boxes labeled "Acme." They aren’t really violent (they’re actually a lot less violent than the Roadrunner cartoons). They’re basically fun, and definitely made to appeal to a young audience (the kid in this video looks 16 max, the kid in "We're Not Gonna Take It" looks significantly younger, maybe 14).

If I had been the PMRC (shudder, shudder) would I have been worried about the youth of America listening to Twisted Sister? No. Yes, all their songs are about rebellion, but only in a very mild sense. They seem really to be more about affirming the unity of the people listening to the music than genuinely plotting the overthrow of those who would make them "turn it down." "We're Not Gonna Take It" made the "Filthy Fifteen" for its "violence." But bear in mind that Madonna's "Dress You Up" also made it on for "sex"! Trust me, there are much more lewd innuendoes out there than "gonna dress you up in my love."

It's like once they'd made it past W.A.S.P. and Prince and his army of protégés (Prince, Sheena Easton, and Vanity all made the list with easily the dirtiest lyrics of the bunch -- the Prince song, "Darling Nikki," is anecdotally the one that started the whole mess. If only Kristen and Karenna hadn't had that copy of Purple Rain, America might be safe for rock!).

Okay, wait, I am getting off track. Point is, it's like they were looking for anyone to fill out the rest of that list just so they could keep the alliteration going (I guess "Filthy Five" didn't sound threatening enough). I guess the idea of the youth of America putting on blush and eyeliner was enough to make this band scary. It's weird to me because to my mind, hell-o, it's totally possible for guys to look hot in makeup, just look at Poison. But then again, other bands… I guess maybe we should be glad Iron Maiden never recorded a song called "Can I Play with Gender?"