Twisted Sister, "Hot Love"

Blond Guys in Black Cars

THE VIDEO Twisted Sister, "Hot Love," Love is for Suckers, 1987, Atlantic

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SAMPLE LYRIC "Talkin' 'bout hot love, you're makin' me cray-zay / hot love, you're makin' me ba-a-ad / hot love, you're makin' me cray-zee / think I'll go maaaaaaad"

THE VERDICT Summertime, and the videos are cheesy! Well, it's the tail end of July, and even though I personally have another two whole months of summer ahead of me, I'm wrapping up our special summertime videos block. Seven weeks' worth of sun, bikinis, and outdoor concerts -- not too shabby, I'd say.

Let's wrap it up with some Twisted Sister. Now, I know most of this video takes place at night, but come on, the car wash scene? It's totally summer. Not to mention all the late night drag racing. Since it's Twisted Sister (and since we can see the cars' license plates), we know we're in New York (probably Long Island), and obviously, this kind of stuff isn't going to work there in winter. Nope, "Hot Love" is definitely a summertime video.

It's also a pretty cheesy video, but very much within Twisted Sister's wheelhouse -- when they aren't making videos with Niedermeyer from Animal House (aka "the Maestro" from Seinfeld), they're making videos where it feels like it's the 1950s. In this case, we've got two rows of classic cars and kit cars lined up to illuminate a drag strip. A bunch of very 80s-looking guys, plus the members of Twisted Sister who aren't Dee Snider (and who are basically confined to reaction shots in this video) watch as Dee loses the race.

To whom does he lose? Well I'm glad you asked. I'm not good with cars, so I can't tell you anything about her ride except that it's black, and has those little visors over the back windshield that were so cool in the 80s and that no one has had since. She's wearing red heels, and a red miniskirt-belly shirt combo featuring I'm going to say zero underwear, and sort of a ripped apart and then laced up again look. She also has a giant Triumph motorcycles belt that is so large it looks like a fannypack. Her most salient feature? She looks like Christie Brinkley... on crack. No seriously. Have you ever seen that SNL skit with Kelly Ripa, where she highlights her hair with crack? That is more or less exactly how this woman acts.



Dee takes a Polaroid of her, and we're reminded just how unattractive he is -- oy, that is a face only a mother could love. But of course, since it's a heavy metal video, this reasonably attractive blonde woman (who admittedly does have a great body) is all over it. As are the Twisted Sister guys, who make "OMG" faces and give Dee the thumb's up.

Dee starts passing his Polaroid around to show the guys, as if they can't see her standing like ten feet away from them. He starts to approach Christie, but she gets in her car. Dee attempts to give chase, and we see that he shares taste in footwear with Jon Bon Jovi and Punky Brewster (pink Chuck Taylors).

Dee tries to hit on the woman while driving, further cementing the Christie Brinkley connection -- it's not entirely unlike her sequences in National Lampoon's Vacation. Well, except this woman gets a bit dirtier. In an homage to the album's cover, she pulls out a lollipop in the shape of the Twisted Sister logo and pretty much begins fellating it (Love is for Suckers, get it?).

Dee is freaking out and jumping up and down in his car -- he reminds me of the Big Bad Wolf characters in old cartoons, whose like eyes pop out, and then they stamp the floor a bunch while steam pours from their ears, and then their tongues unfold like giant staircases and they have to pack them all back in their mouths. I'm pretty sure, given that this is Twisted Sister, that this is intentional. But oh! Party's over, Dee. We see him making crazy eyes in his rear view as he gets pulled over. Christie laughs at him and waves goodbye, which combined with Dee getting pulled over for reckless driving is the most realistic part of this video.

We then follow Dee as he goes around to various dudes standing around or sitting in classic cars, showing them his Polaroid to try to identify Christie. He doesn't have any luck. But then suddenly, it's daytime. Dee is driving around with Jay Jay French when he slams on the brakes and throws his car into reverse.

Good work, Dee, you've found her. Christie is cleaning her car, in the extremely practical outfit combo of a white miniskirt, black cowboy boots, and a white halter top. We get a lot of close-ups of her cleavage and implied upskirt shots, just to keep things classy. Jay Jay has to bite his thumb he's so excited by the spectacle, while Dee keeps his cool -- he's more interested in checking out her car.



Next comes more or less the most ridiculous shot of the video. After getting extra-sexy with the soap suds and making Jay Jay damn near pass out, Christie does this enormous stretch, and we see that her halter top is being held together -- rather improbably -- by a single black plastic button that is being made to do a lot of work. The camera zooms way in on her cleavage, and then -- uhoh! -- our next shots are of the button landing in a pool of soap suds. Implied nudity! Like I said, classy.

I should also mention that interspersed with the car wash sequences are shots of the band actually performing the song. It's dark, and poorly lit to boot, so we mostly just see individual band members waving their instruments in the air and making ridiculous faces at the camera. Like I said, if you're in Twisted Sister and you aren't Dee Snider, you're barely in this video.

We then get a long sequence of shots of Christie smiling maniacally and counting with her fingers, interspersed with shots of classic cars peeling out, interspersed with semi-opaque shots panning up her body (in the red outfit from the beginning of the video). As she gets crazier and crazier, we also get shots of the band getting crazier and crazier.

Suddenly, for no reason I can discern, her car bursts through a fake brick wall. We get all these quick shots showing her license plate (New York plate "NO JOSHN"), the front of her car, and then another license plate (no visible state but based on the colors and the time period, Pennsylvania plate "HOT LOVE"). Lord only knows why this is like the climactic shot in the video.

We then finally see Twisted Sister performing, although it's so badly lit it's hard to tell what the heck is going on. They are on top of some risers and surrounded by cars, with more cars behind and somehow, up above them. It sort of reminds me of the junkyard from A Nightmare on Elm Street IV in "Love Kills." Except that you can actually see crew members standing on scaffolding operating the spotlights (I'm not kidding), so that kind of takes away from it.

Anyway, it's just the band overselling the bejeezus out of the song, mostly backlit and hard to see anyway. At the last minute, Christie's car pulls up right into an empty spot in front of the center of the stage. We see a close-up of keys dropping into her hand, then the camera pulls back so we can see she is tossing her keys up in the air and catching them, taunting Dee. (Also, she's changed into a strapless pleather minidress.)



Dee, who's now wearing a giant coat and looking vaguely like the Undertaker in a frightwig, suddenly reaches up and catches them before she can. He's super-pleased with himself, and Christie is super-pissed. He pulls out, leaving her onstage making exasperated arm gestures with the band, who are still plugging away.

Dee gives his final "yeah-ahh-ahhh!" through her sun roof. Then the camera pans around her car, and we see that it now has the "Hot Love" plates on it. I'm sorry, catching someone's keys counts as a legal transfer of ownership? Guess I have to remember that. Anyway, the rest of the band is still making faces as Christie walks up to the car. It cuts to the car pulling away, and since she's not there, we have to assume she's in it.

Dee then turns toward the camera looking pleased, and next thing we get Christie now full-on blowing the Twisted Sister lollipop. Honestly, it's one of the more risque things I've seen in one of these videos, and trust me, I've spent a lot of my life watching heavy metal videos. Ew.

It's funny, it makes me remember that a friend of mine had this record at the time, and I was really scandalized by it as a kid. I had very little idea who Twisted Sister were (in fact, in retrospect I was inexplicably confusing them with Swing Out Sister), but I found the album cover very scary, and the sentiment that "Love is for suckers" alarming. Ahh, the innocence of youth.

Fun fact about this album: Even though it's not very good, it's definitely not for lack of effort -- this is a little bit of a who's who of 80s metal. Kip Winger and Reb Beach of Winger, plus Steve Whiteman and Jimmy Chalfant of Kix all contributed backup vocals (and in Beach's case, some guitar, too). Fascinating! But even more so -- and this is allmusic claiming this (click on the name, then click through to "movie entry") -- Luke Perry?!?! Yes, as in Dylan McKay from 90210 -- Luke effing Perry apparently contributed vocals to this album. Wow. All I can say is, WOW.

P.S.: If you're amused by the title of this post, bonus points for your intimate knowledge of 80s metal!

Tesla, "Love Song"

The World's Most Wholesome Metal Fans

THE VIDEO Tesla, "Love Song," The Great Radio Controversy, 1989, Geffen

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SAMPLE LYRIC "Love eeees all around you-ou / love is knockin' / outside your doo-ooo-ooor-or / waitin' for you / isthislovemadejustfortwo-ooh / keepanop-enheart,andyou'llfindlovea-gain / I know"

THE VERDICT I know, this is another "is this really the summer?" video, but I'm going to go with yes, it is. It definitely feels like summer -- summer tours, big-ass arena concerts, sleeveless t-shirts. It's summer in spirit if not in season (though trust me, I'm pretty damn sure it is summer).

This video begins with a lot of the stock themes we've come to expect from live videos -- the empty arena, the tour bus on the road (Tesla's destination is labeled "Home," as opposed to say Mötley Crüe's "Rockin' and Rollin'"), sped-up footage of the arena filling up, close-up of the guitarist's hands. Oh, and lest we forget, the all-important shot of the lead singer looking pensively out the tour bus window! Yes, life on the road is tough. So tough, in fact, that we get multiple shots of different band members on the bus.

The video starts out with Tesla performing the song while the arena is empty -- I guess we can assume that, for the purposes of shooting a video, they are doing a very thorough soundcheck. Jeff Keith is wearing round sunglasses, a yellow button-down shirt, and jeans -- pretty conservative for him, actually. Then we see Troy Luccketta playing with his kid. Aww, his kid's got a little junior mullet! Glad to see that haircut got passed down.

Shots of roadies prepping the stage fade into Tesla on their bus, which fade into shots of Tesla on stage. It's still just soundcheck time though -- even if we are getting some sort of expository shots of a red flag and a skywriting plane. Things don't really get going until the guitar speeds up just a hair, and we see sped-up footage of the arena filling.



Then, as soon as we hit the first chorus, boom! The crowd's all there. And what a crowd. Seriously, these are the most wholesome-looking women you will ever see in a heavy metal video, and I'm including Stryper videos in that count, people. Seriously, it's like if Norman Rockwell had lived to create a painting of an 80s metal concert, that's how warmly lit and sanitized this video feels.

Though a bunch of the crowd shots make it appear to be daytime, most of the time when we see the band, it's night. Jeff has switched into an unbuttoned patterned shirt and his favorite "we're shooting a video today" pants (the ones with footprints painted onto them). Tommy Skeoch has put on a ruffly pirate shirt -- and let me just say he looks delectable -- further proving that Tesla have upped their wardrobe game for this video.

To underscore the liveness, the crowd sound has been added in a bunch of spots in this video, often when they're showing the men in the crowd. While sweatier than the ladies, these guys look equally wholesome, and extremely pleased to see Tesla. Conveniently, many members of the crowd have made elaborate signs explicitly about this song. Hmm, I think they knew they were filming a video. Does this explain the "best behavior" we seem to be seeing? Or is there already considerable self-selection inherent in being a Tesla fan in the first place?

Everyone in Tesla is going nuts. Jeff is doing his little hip-swiveling dance, and Frank Hannon is somehow headbanging while carefully playing a double-neck guitar. There's a lot of kicking and hair-tossing going on in general, and as we head into the guitar solo, yes, the lighters have come out. Sparklers even! The crowd is starting to look slightly worse for the wear (and sound slightly screamier). We even get the obligatory shot of a guy in the crowd screaming like he is about to turn into the Incredible Hulk, so powerful is this guitar solo. (See "Power Ballad Cliche #9")

Somehow like half the women in the crowd are up on someone else's shoulders, and literally all the women in the crowd know all the words to this song. Everyone's looking a bit sweaty as the song devolves into the everyone shouting part, which is the weakest bit of it (the "love is gonna find a way-ay-ay" repeated a zillion times). For this whole sequence, it's just shot after shot of the members of Tesla having multiple guitargasms, and women in the audience singing along. Tesla, chick, Tesla, chick.



For the very last part, which is quiet, the arena is completely black except for the light from lighters. We then get a patently non-live shot -- Jeff and Frank are sitting in the center of the stage completely alone. We then see, semi-transparent over the image of them, the skywriting plane again, which has written "LOVE" in the sky. Also it's the old-fashioned kind, where the pilot has to do actually loop-de-loops and stuff, not those ones you see making Geico ads over stadiums where they just do the little puffs to sort of type out all the letters. We sort of see the crowds' hands waving again before it all fades out.

So this is a fun video, and a great song. I mean, if there's one thing Tesla's great at (okay, there's more than one, but this is the one I'm going to talk about), it's writing songs that make you feel better about life. "Love Song" is right up there with "The Way It Is" in this respect -- it's the exact kind of song that can pull you out of a horrible break-up. And the lyrics! So, so good. They're that perfect combination of almost nonsensical and totally evocative. Admittedly, I've always heard "is this love made just for two" as "yes this love may just haunt you," so I was making them more nonsensical, but whatever. It's no wonder this song made it all the way to #10 on the Billboard Hot 100 back in 1990.

Perhaps this can explain the wholesome women -- this is one of those songs that got such saturation airplay that it probably got all kinds of folks who had never heard another Tesla song to go to a Tesla concert (another good example of this phenomenon is "Silent Lucidity" by Queensryche). So maybe these just aren't heavy metal girls. Or okay, maybe they're "heavy metal" girls, like the type who are also really into Nelson.

Hypothesis #2 is that it's because this is a hometown crowd -- Tesla are in Sacramento, as evidenced by the radio station banners you can see in the background during some of the daytime shots. Then again, they've also got a hometown crowd in the video for "The Way It Is". But I mean, come on, they're doing a charity food drive in that video, and the crowd doesn't look as wholesome as this one does! That's from January 1990, though that song didn't chart until April. Hmmm. Okay, my official guess is that this video is from summer 1989.

Okay but anyway, point is, the combination of a) this song being really popular with non-metal fans and b) it being a hometown crowd seems to mean that c) this is the most bright-eyed and rosy-cheeked crowd of metal fans you'll ever see in a video. And I mean ever.

Y&T, "Summertime Girls"

And Don't Call Us Shirley!

THE VIDEO Y&T, "Summertime Girls," Down for the Count, 1985, Majestic Rock

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SAMPLE LYRIC "Summertime gir-irllllls / you may my whole world go 'rrrround / summertime gir-irllllls / when you lift me up, I never come downnn"

THE VERDICT Oh, Y&T. Allmusic claims this is a self-conscious parody of "California Girls," but my analysis implies it's not. Best case scenario, it's an homage to Kentucky Fried comedies like Airplane! and The Naked Gun. It's actually got a similar sense of humor. Were it not for the utter cheesiness (particularly the atrocious costume choices made by the band) and the fact that musically, this is no "California Girls", this might actually be halfway decent. Alas, it's Y&T.

I mean this is the same band that has named their album "Down for the Count," implying they're in not such a good place. But then they've taken it even further, with ridiculous album art that depicts a swooning female robot about to get down with The Count -- oh and I'm capitalizing that for a reason, because it shows Count Dracula. I mean really Y&T. Really.

But okay, the video. The video opens with a homeless person walking along a garbage-strewn sidewalk. He taps at another bum, then continues on to examine a garbage bin beside a large sign that informs us this is Venice Beach. It also -- in just the first Zucker-like moment -- informs us the beach prohibits smoking, drinking, loitering, or accordion solos. As the bum goes through the trash, it begins to shake, and then bam, next thing you know, the bum has uncovered the drummer from Y&T (or as I shamelessly refer to him, the fat one).

Where else can we find Y&T? Well, we get a wipe that looks like a page turning (or the screen peeling back), and then we see the lead singer and bassist crawl out from under a rock that has been spraypainted "Y&T." Yes, because nothing makes the kids think you're cool and contemporary like literally crawling out from under a rock.

We get a wipe traveling up the screen, then we see a dude with what is labeled a "heavy metal detector." He makes a shocked face, then discovers he has uncovered the guitarist from Y&T, who shakes him off and walks away to meet up with the rest of the band. They are all wearing ridiculous beach clothes (short-shorts on three out of four), but the lead singer gets special mention for wearing a cropped, belly-baring tee shirt that says "Turbo Made in Italy" and having the bottom layers of his hair braided and beaded. Whoever advised him on this should have been fired.



They all lip synch the first line of the song, then dramatically act out the lyrics, scanning the beach for girls walking by. They are quickly rewarded with a giant posse of women barreling down the boardwalk. Of particular note is the girl in striped bikini and Wham!-esque "Choose Me" tee, who is all over this video and has clearly been designated as the "hot extra," similar to the blond in the white dress in "In and Out of Love."

Y&T keep singing and making goofy faces, then we see a lifeguard carrying a woman in a mermaid costume. I say a "woman in a mermaid costume" and not a mermaid because, come on, the fish tail part is too big for her! You can clearly see it hanging off her waist. They're followed by a woman dressed as Carmen Miranda, with a big fruit basket on her head; a Hare Krishna (clearly Airplane! inspired), and a nerdy couple dressed as tourists. Y&T always poke fun at nerds in their videos, which seems a little, well, um... let's just say it's never a good idea to alienate your core demographic.

All these folks file past Y&T, but the boys save their most eye-popping faces for the quartet of women rolling up the boardwalk last. They are all dressed in sort of sexy biker gear -- black leather pants, jackets, etc. Just seeing them onscreen makes me feel sweaty, itchy, and uncomfortable. Oh, I don't mean like they're a turn-on! Ew, no. I mean I'm already imagining how uncomfortable it would be getting sand in those leather pants. I love the beach but ughh do I hate sand.

These ladies -- who are also bedecked in all kinds of chains -- feel the need to push directly through Y&T rather than go past them. They attempt to push them over, but nope, they're all still singing and making goofy faces. It didn't work.

The "Choose Me" girl has taken her shirt off, and is posing on her towel with the pier in the background. Meantime, the biker ladies have set up in an especially hot and icky looking place -- ew, I feel sweaty and dirty every time they're on screen! They are facing away from the water, and have a bunch of hubcabs hung on a fence behind them. The ladies have switched into some weird combination of bondage gear and lingerie (I mean really! Stockings at the beach?!). It is physically uncomfortable watching them on screen. Their only plus is reminding me of bad 80s dystopian future movies they watch on Mystery Science Theater 3000 like "City Limits" and "Robot Holocaust." These gals could be extras in either.



We briefly see the lead singer dancing around next to the mermaid while the Hare Krishna strolls by. Then we see a blonde in a white bikini putting on suntan oil (not sunblock -- you know, the dark brown Hawaiian Tropic stuff). Ahhh! Noo!!! Then we see one of the biker ladies pouring Valvoline motor oil on her leg and rubbing that in. Ahh!! Just thinking about doing that, smelling that in the heat, then getting sand stuck to it -- seriously, this video is giving me a bad case of OCD.

The lead singer dances around a little more, then we see (I think) the guitarist snatch a pair of binoculars from the nerdy tourist couple. The (again, my best guess) bassist is using a watering can to keep the fake mermaid's tail moist, and the drummer (aka the fat one) is eating fruit from fake Carmen Miranda's headdress. Oh Y&T, your dorky humor knows no bounds.

We next actually see the band pretending to play the song, going nuts next to the boardwalk while women walk by completly ignoring them. This is followed by a sequence I really don't get -- women in bikinis rollerskate up and down the boardwalk holding increasingly large ghetto blasters up on their shoulders. I think we're supposed to laugh at the ever-increasing magnitude of the jamboxes, but honestly, I'm not sure. In between, we briefly see the Hare Krishna greeting the nerdy tourists.

Now the biker ladies are on roller skates, while still in their bondage/lingerie gear. They roll close to Y&T (who are still playing the song next to the boardwalk), creating a giant cloud of dust that blows the band away. It also conveniently provides a transition to the next scene, which features Y&T attempting to play volleyball against a bunch of the conventionally attractive women.

They should have kept their eyes on the ball instead of just lip synching and dancing, because one of the biker ladies catches the volleyball and proceeds to fully deflate it just by squeezing it with her hands. Each one of the biker ladies walks past the guitarist making a mean face at him after she throws the ruined ball at his feet.

Then we're back on the boardwalk with the lead singer, who is ogling ladies while he walks past a food stand. A carnival barker convinces him to try a game that involves throwing a baseball through a plywood cutout of a clown's mouth. The Y&T guy decides to give it a try, and of course, he's terrible -- the "Choose Me" girl waiting over at the food window giggles at him. No matter. He picks up the bazooka at his feet and fires, destroying the entire clown backdrop (and I'm assuming, leaving many dead and wounded on the beach beyond, but they don't show that part).



The smoke from the explosion provides the transition to the next scene, showing all the conventionally attractive women packing up their beach stuff to head home. As the sun sets, we see all the different characters from the entire video plow past Y&T, who appear to be begging? I don't know what they're doing, maybe just singing and making weird hand gestures. It's hard to tell. We get an inexplicable close-up of a woman wearing a toga and a helmet -- is she supposed to be Roman? Joan of Arc? Not sure.

Next thing you know, looks who's here, it's the Y&T robot, wearing giant novelty sunglasses. He seems to be having more trouble walking than usual, I guess due to the sand. See? Sand is just problems for everyone. His giant swinging arms knock over Y&T.

Y&T give up and plop themselves into the sand, looking all sad. Aww, poor Y&T. You can see the "Y&T" rock in the background behind them, maybe they should crawl back under that. But no wait, look, walking up the beach, it's the biker ladies. After coldly assessing the lads for a moment, they offer them their hands and help them up. We then see a long shot of everyone silhouetted as they walk along the pier, with the shambling Y&T robot bringing up the rear.

So is this a happy ending for Y&T? Umm, depends what you mean by "happy ending." (Oh ew, I am not trying to make a double entendre people, get your minds out of the gutter!) My guess is this is like the Beavis and Butt-head where the hot biker lady talks to them, but all she's looking for is for them to help her steal some stuff from the convenience store where they're always hanging out. (Clerk: "What's that there in your pants?" Butt-head: "Wouldn't you like to know.") I could picture Y&T sitting around afterwards, much like Beavis and Butt-head, eating nachos and reminiscing about that time a chick talked to them.

Guns N Roses, "Paradise City"

The Summer of '88

THE VIDEO Guns N Roses, "Paradise City," Appetite for Destruction, 1987, Polygram

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SAMPLE LYRIC "Take me down to the Paradise City / where the grass is green and the girls are pretty / Take! Me! Ho-oh-ooooooome yeah yeah-ah!"

THE VERDICT This video always, always has said "summertime" to me. "Paradise City" is also, for my money, one of GNR's most iconic videos, as opposed to the bloated, over-budgeted monstrosities of their later years.

If you watch it, it has a lot of shots that will go on to get used in Vh-1 montages and the like, even moreso than "Welcome to the Jungle" (really mostly just Axl screaming and leaning on Slash, and Axl sitting on the bed watching all the TVs) and "Sweet Child O' Mine" (really just Slash plugging in his guitar). Let's review it together.

The beginning of the video, shot in gritty black-and-white, establishes that this is an "on tour" video. The camera pans around an empty Giants stadium, and we see GNR tees that are probably $150 on eBay right now. The camera pans past the stage, where we see various of the band members hanging out, looking young and oh-so-hot. I've talked about this many times before: These boys are in their Magic Hour.

Of course, Axl Rose only appears once the video is suddenly in color, and they're actually performing. He's wearing a customized white leather getup that somehow, no one ever makes fun of him for, even though people make fun of Warrant for their customized white leather getups all the time! Maybe it's 'cause he's also wearing a Cathouse t-shirt. If I could find a non-repro Cathouse tee, I'd be the happiest woman alive pretty much.

Shots of the band performing in color are interspersed with backstage shots in black and white in a very fast "meet the band" sequence, then when Axl finishes the first chorus and swings his arm out, we finally see the ginormous stadium crowd for a minute. Again, this is Giants Stadium, where GNR are opening for Aerosmith, who I assume are still touring off of Permanent Vacation (since GNR are likewise still touring off of Appetite). Can you imagine watching 1988 Guns N Roses do "Welcome to the Jungle" live, then watching Steven Tyler wheeze through "Dude (Looks Like a Lady)"? I don't mind Aerosmith, but that would really be a letdown.



Anyway, then we see the band (not Axl, of course) roaming around 80s Manhattan, which you know I love. Slash, Duff, and Steven go to beloved (and since departed) Manny's Music, where we get an iconic shot of the camera zooming in on Steven sitting against a bunch of amps.

Then we're back at Giants Stadium with more set-up shots, including a favorite of mine, Slash wearing cut-offs standing in the middle of the stadium. Fans begin to pour in, and we also see the boys looking at stuff on the street. I'm pretty sure they're in midtown, but I always picture them as being down near St. Mark's Place in this part.

The crowd is in full effect, and even Axl seems to have shown up. Everyone gets their guitars, and then with that piercing whistle, we're finally at the dunt-duh-nuh-nunt-duh-nuh-nunt-duh-nuh-nunt-duh-nuh-nuh-NUH guitar part, which rules. Everyone's going nuts, particularly white leather Axl. The crowd is going nuts, though interestingly you can see when they pull back enough (which they try to avoid doing I'm assuming for this reason), the top-tier of nosebleed seats is far from full.

In the midst of this performance footage, we get another of my favorite moments: Duff hits on a woman walking by, who totally keeps walking. Woman! You are being hit on by 1988 Duff McKagan!! He is not going to look like that forever! This is soon followed by another iconic shot -- the quick transition from "tell me who you're gonna believe" to the couple making out in the middle of the crowd. Damn! Can you imagine being like "that was me making out in the crowd during 'Paradise City' in 1988"? And then we've got yet another one -- Steven Adler riding around on a boat in the East River, with the World Trade Center behind him.

Then we're back with Axl, and what appears to be literally a sea of white people waving their arms at him rhythmically. A tiny security guard foils an equally small dude trying to get onstage. Lots of fast camera swings, but then we get some nice shots of Slash playing his guitar while standing next to a fan -- not a GNR fan, literally like a large box fan, 'cause they're playing during the daytime in the middle of summer at the freakin' Meadowlands. It's hot.



Anyway, it's mostly color footage of an increasingly sweaty band performing at this point in the video, interspersed with backstage/behind-the-scenes black and white stuff. I love the trying-to-wake-up-Steven-at-the-hotel shots, as well as Slash signing an autograph using some guy's back as a table.

In the midst of all this, we see the band hopping on the Concorde to head to England to play the Monsters of Rock festival (so for this we know an exact date -- August 20, 1988). That year Donington was headlined by Iron Maiden, and also featured KISS, David Lee Roth, Megadeth, and Helloween -- can you imagine?! A bunch of behind the scenes shots (race track sign, GNR dressing room sign) establish that yes, we are in England now. Lots of fans, Slash getting interviewed in the press tent by... crap... I can never remember this guy's name. He looks like Bruce Villanch, but he's not. I remember seeing him talk about this video on a Vh-1 special once, and he was thrilled to pieces that he's in the video.

We don't get much clear performance video from Donington, just a lot of crowd shots. Though no one cites a source for this (and I don't think of GNR as a terribly thoughtful band, sorry), everything I've read about this video (which admittedly isn't much, remember, I am the best source of heavy metal video info on the web! Or anywhere else) claims that the band added all this Donington footage in honor of two fans who were crushed to death during the band's performance that day. The biggest difference between this and the Giants stadium footage is that it's in black and white; there's no seating, just a giant sea of people; and fans in Europe always bring big, elaborate homemade banners with them.

As the song goes more and more off the rails, the video actually gets more subdued. Yes, there's some Axl dance, in both Jersey and England, but we mostly get a lot of vaguely moody crowd shots, and images of the band members sitting around peacefully backstage.

The end of the video is almost all Donington -- chaotic shots of the band and the crowd, with lots of rapid cuts. But for the final "hooooooooooooooome" we cut back and forth between screaming Axl in both settings, in color and in black and white. The final shot is of Axl in Jersey with his arms upraised.



This video is a bit of a time capsule, really -- there are a lot of things in it that don't exist anymore (and no, I don't just mean a GNR lineup that isn't packed full of randos): The Monsters of Rock festival. Giants Stadium, just replaced by the outstandingly fugly Izod Center. Manny's. The World Trade Center, which is always hard to see. (I don't mean it's difficult to make out, I just mean, it's sad to look at.) The Concorde. Steven Adler as a full-fledged member of GNR, of course. In all, I like the time-capsule video more than I like the song.

Speaking of the song: Have you ever seen someone try to sing this song karaoke? Casual fans always just remember the sing-along chorus, which is realllly easy to sing, and completely forget what the rest of the song sounds like, which is a slower version of "Garden of Eden" without the helpful bouncing ball. (Weirdly, I can't find a version with the bouncing ball on Youtube, but I SWEAR it exists. Beavis and Butt-head watch it!)

They also tend to forget how long and instrumental the beginning is. You'll see them get a panicked look in their eye, then try to make the best of it with some air guitar. But then when the first verse appears ("jus' an urchin livin' under the street / I'ma, hard case that's tough to beat") the real fear sets in. Most people don't make it past the second verse (the "I'd have another cigarette" one), which is probably for the best. (I'm assuming they also forget that the song is nearly seven minutes long, but it never comes to that.)

The weird thing is, the verses are by far the coolest part of this song. The sort of breakdown part ("so faaaar away") comes in second, and anything involving the actual chorus (including at the end when it gets really fast) comes in a distant third for me. I think the chorus is just, for better or worse (but mostly worse), something frat guys can sing along to that helped GNR sell more albums.

But really, the verse on this song encapsulates everything I enjoy about Appetite-era Guns N Roses -- gritty lyrics, staccato delivery punctuated by the occasional yowl, and crunchy, heavy guitars. Guess I'll mostly stick to "Night Train" and "Mr Brownstone." But for when I need to see delectable footage of a young Duff McKagan, I'll put on this video.

Scorpions, "I'm Leaving You"

A League of Their Own

THE VIDEO Scorpions, "I'm Leaving You," Love at First Sting, 1984, Mercury

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Ooh, girl, I'm leaving you / yes, I'm leaving you / I've got to go to tonight" (repeat ad nauseam)

THE VERDICT It's almost the fourth of July, so I felt an all-out patriotism-fest was in order. Yes, the Scorpions are German. But this WTF-fest of a video feels like it could only have been made in the USA. There's no apple pie or fireworks (the latter of which, yes, invented by the Chinese, but heavily associated with Independence Day, right?). But what this video lacks in apple pie and fireworks, it makes up for with everything it does have. It's not movie footage, it just feels like you're watching some long lost "late night comedy" from the 80s (as Netflix so charmingly euphemizes it).

The Scorpions' ridiculously adorable old tour bus (not their real tour bus, I'm going to venture) rolls into the town of Bedford, which the sign announces to us has a population of a mere 405. The bus appears to break down or run out of gas or something pretty much right away, which is lucky for the Scorpions, since about half this town's population (or okay about 1/25th of it) is a klutzy ladies' softball league that plays braless in rompers. We're talking uniforms made out of hight-waisted hotpants connected to halter tops, people. If American Apparel hasn't brought this back yet, they will soon. (FYI, they more or less have, without the collar. So I'm sure a collar version is on its way.)

Anyway, these skinny white women, who appear to range in age from about 15 to about 40, are terrible athletes. It probably doesn't help them that they're being heckled by local good ol' boys, or that there's a dog running around in the outfield. One lady is so distracted by seeing the Scorps' bus roll by that she fails to notice the ball laying by her feet, even though we see another lady yell "Get the ball!"



Following their game, all the ladies pile into a diner and enjoy a giant meal of what looks like hamburgers. They all freak out and press against the window, as it's right outside said diner that the Scorpions' bus comes to a halt, and the denizens of Deutschland pile out looking like rock gods. (Come on, it was the 80s people, this was how we thought it was cool to look.) Herman Rarebell is wearing black leather pants and a black leather jacket with no shirt. Francis Buchholz is also sporting black leather pants, but with a sleeveless tee. Rudy Schenker has on the same outfit, but Matthias Jabs steps it up in leopard-print pants, a white tank top, and a jean jacket. Klaus Meine makes it off the bus last, in black leather pants and a red shirt unbuttoned much to far for my comfort.

The Scorpions all pose around the bus, while the women continue to excitedly jam their faces at the window to get a better look. Weirdly, the Scorpions are very well reflected in the window, so I don't think the band can see in. One of the ladies makes an "I'm getting an idea" face as one of the local boys sort of stumbles past the Scorpions. She then says "come on" to the other gals in the restaurant.

Next we get a "getting ready" montage, always one of my favorites in any movie, but particularly 80s movies. This being a "late night comedy," it's also a prime opportunity to show the girls running around in teddies. They all keep running across a porch past a guy who looks like he's in his twenties but is clearly meant to be an old man -- gray wig, reading the newspaper on the porch, dressed like George Costanza's dad. Why couldn't they just cast an actual old man? That's just one of the mysteries of this video. Anyway, he stares after them as they run back and forth. As one of them finishes putting on perfume, we get a close-up of her vanity table and see -- ew!! -- an actual scorpion zipping around.

No sooner do the Scorpions arrive in their hotel rooms (okay, it looks like they're staying more at a bed and breakfast or a boarding house than a hotel), the ladies are all over them, asking them to sign copies of their records. Every time one of them sits down or enters a room, ladies are popping out of closets, climbing through the windows, and crawling from under the bed to get autographs and to take pictures of them with cameras with those old-time flash cubes -- remember those? The things that looked sort of like stacks of light bulbs, and you got to use each of the light bulbs like once? I also enjoy that apparently Matthias and Herman have to share a room, but no one else does.



Next thing we know, the fake-old-man guy is fake-limping down the street with a shotgun. We see the ladies talking to each other in the boarding house hallway, and running back and forth between the rooms, when suddenly the fake-old dude shows up brandishing his shotgun and fake-limping even more ridiculously (he's basically pogoing on his left leg). Um, are we meant to believe all of these girls are his daughters? He chases some of the girls through the rooms, threatening the Scorpions.

Meanwhile, this one lady is walking down the hall, dropping actual, insect scorpions onto the floor. What?! As she drops each one, we see sort of a semi-transparent shot of each of the band members whipping around to face the camera dramatically superimposed over the shot of the insect walking on the floor. Ummm... are we meant to believe the scorpions are the Scorpions? Is this a magical transformation sequence? Or is this lady just trying to like, get a bunch of the girls' feet all swollen up from stings? Maybe she's on a rival softball team. That doesn't make much sense though, because these girls' softball team was incredible horrible.

She turns around and looks pleased with herself once she's dropped all the bugs, who are crawling into the different rooms (no one seems to have closed their doors). It's either this or the guitar solo that makes Rudy suddenly jump up, grab his guitar and run out of the room. The girls are displeased by this.

The rest of the Scorpions follow suit, and they all meet up downstairs in the lobby, where for the first time in the video, we actually see them with instruments playing the song. The girls all run down after them, and pile up on the stairs watching them play. We then get a weird second meet-the-band sequence featuring each member of the Scorpions, in profile in front of some venetian blinds, singing directly to a different one of the women. Matthias and Herman seem to have had some luck in their double room, as their girls are most enthusiastic, while Francis' one just looks pissed.



Without warning, the Scorpions fade and disappear from the room, and we see the women -- now looking much less fresh-faced and all-American, and much more like heavily made-up concert-goers, looking pouty and depressed. Suddenly the lady who was dropping all the scorpions appears in the middle of the lobby (where, for some reason, all of the instruments except the drums have disappeared along with the band). The girls look exasperated with her, and she makes a sassy face in return before spinning on her heel and also evaporating into thin air.

What, what, what!?!? This video is the Scorpions' weirdest by far, I have to say, and they are known to do some weird stuff in their videos. I think it's taking this sort of mundane realistic presence -- they blow into town, ruin all the women, and leave -- and adding the insects and disappearing and stuff, which makes it totally bizarre. Okay, I mean not that the like, sexy women's softball league wasn't kind of weird to begin with. But it wasn't supernatural!

P.S.: I know, this one's not at the beach, but it still feels like a summertime video to me. It also reminds me strongly of one of my favorite Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes, Zombie Nightmare. Seriously, click that link! You can watch the whole thing. The parallels are there, I'm telling you. Baseball? Yup. Babes? Check. WTFery? Can't check this enough times.