THE VIDEO Warrant, "Cherry Pie," Cherry Pie, 1990, Columbia
SAMPLE LYRIC "She's my cherry pie / cool drink of water / such a sweet surprise / looks so good / she'll bring a tear to your eye / sweet cherry pi-ie!"
THE VERDICT I have wanted to write up this video forever, but not like this. Not like this! Obviously at this point in time, this isn't new news, but lead singer Jani Lane is dead at 47. Why, Jani, why?
Well, we all have to grieve the best way we know how. And you know me, I do it through blog posts. (Though I think Canter's did an awesome job, too — I love their cupcakes, so I imagine their pie is darn good as well!)
I already did "Heaven" — it was actually one of the very first posts I did on this blog, seven years ago — so we're going to go with for my money one of the greatest songs ever written. Yes folks, finally, it's time for "Cherry Pie."
Am I being sarcastic when I say I think "Cherry Pie" is one of the best songs ever written? Absolutely not. I really do. Have you heard the acoustic version on Metal Mania Stripped? It's un-effing-believable. It's a great bassline, Jani's vocal delivery is fantastic, and I mean come on, the song just builds and builds. By the end you're screaming the chorus!
I remember getting in an argument with one of my exes over this, with him claiming the metaphor was tawdry and lame, and me taking the side that it's amazing. I mean seriously — they make "swinging" work on so many levels! As an adult I appreciate it, and as a fifth grader I had no idea what the hell this song was about. Well done, Warrant.
I should also mention that technically my favorite part of this song is just the part where they yell "Oh yeah!" at strategic points in the chorus.
Now we all know — especially since it's been endlessly rehashed since his death — that Jani had a contentious relationship to this song, and wasn't always exactly stoked about the idea that it would be his entire legacy. (Which I mean for me at least it wasn't in danger of being, even if it was the centerpiece.)
In the end he seems to have embraced it, and I think he made the right choice.
It's a terrific song!
And the video! The video is unforgettable, and you know it. It's simple, it's funny, and it elevated Bobbie Brown from your standard rock video girl to full-fledged video vixen.
And even though Bobbie has talked a lot of smack about Jani since then, this video led to them getting marriedand having a daughter, Taylar. Plus I mean really, she was dating Matthew Nelson? Now that I'm thinking about it though, she definitely has a type... Stevie Rachelle is like a poor man's Jani Lane.
Anyway. Bobbie herself is definitely a type too — I've said it before, and I'll say it again, but she's a perfect example of this circa-1990 Christina Applegate type that everyone around then seemed to just love. Straight blond hair with bangs, heavy dark eyebrows, red lipstick, often one artfully placed mole... I call these ones "Great White girls" a lot (and indeed, Bobbie's in a couple of their videos) or when I don't know the girl in the video's name, I generally just refer to them all as Christina Applegate.
This was just the standard of beauty back then. I mean even if you think of models who were big at the time — like Niki Taylor was like a high-end Christina Applegate type. Or Kelly Taylor from 90210 — in early seasons, she's like a Christina doppelgänger. (I should also mention that Bobbie was even on Married With Children — the Applegate is strong with this one!)
Okay, now I've made it pretty far into this post without actually talking about anyone who's even in Warrant, let alone the video itself. So let's go there.
I love this video because there's actually very little to it — it's mainly the guys goofing around, and then little vignettes of Bobbie plus a few props. I remember I always used to wonder how they made these like, totally white spaces for videos or photo shoots or stuff like that.
Now I've been around that kind of stuff enough to know it's usually just a completely white painted room, but with a curve leading from floor to wall, so there's no corner and, if lit correctly, no visible difference between the two (the other alternative is to use giant rolls of set paper to create the same effect, but they're jumping around too much for that here).
Thus here Warrant appear to be in this weird, completely empty white space, save for their various red props.
What have the Down Boys brought with them? Umm, all kinds of stuff. Let's see.
First, an amazing red, black, and white wardrobe that they appear to be sharing (I'm pretty sure Jani and Eric Turner are wearing the same polka dot shirt in different shots). They've even coordinated their instruments, with red guitars, red amps, and a red drum kit for Steven Sweet (occasionally with actual cherry pies placed on the drums).
When they're all together, Warrant are mainly shot playing on top of giant red polka dots — gosh I love the polka dots of the late 80s/early 90s — but when they're separate, they're usually just on the white.
Bobbie is wearing pretty much the ultimate Christina Applegate girl outfit. Red lipstick (duh), giant earrings, a red bustier halter top, high-waisted yet extremely short denim cut-offs, a large belt, and red cowboy boots.
I have to say, I've been surprised how strong of a comeback this exact "denim panties" look has made. I'm not going to lie, it's a trap I fall into myself, but still, there are limits. If when you sit down, I can't tell if you're wearing anything on your bottom half, that's just weird. But anyway, I digress.
We watch Bobbie get into some silly situations, semi-acting out some of the lyrics of the song. First she's a red-and-white clad rollerskating waitress (she sort of looks like she works at Ruby's), tripping over Joey Allen's cord and somehow magically dropping a slice of cherry pie straight into her own lap (also having magically changed into black spandex bike shorts — now there's an early 90s look I don't miss). We also almost get the "swinging" literally with Bobbie in a team Warrant red-and-white baseball uniform, posing on a mitt-shaped couch.
Personally though I prefer the lips-shaped couch she's posing on a minute later, in her spandex shorts outfit (complete with black bra top, for that back-up dancer in an MC Hammer music video look). There are weirdly a lot of art references in this video — I could do a whole thing on all the metal videos that randomly reference "American Gothic."
It's not all that highbrow though. Probably one of the best-known sequences of this video is the firehose part. Bobbie walks by a red firetruck that the guys from Warrant are all sitting beside. They pull out the hose and all five of them spray her with the hose. Oh, I don't mean they take turns. I mean it takes all five of them to wrangle this thing, which appears to have about as much water pressure as a garden hose. Hmm.
In case that's not literal enough for us, we then get some close-up cherry eating, followed by another iconic image from this video — Jani with a fake smile on his face "ten miles wide." This shot is often used in decline of hair metal montages where they're trying to be like, "metal wasn't serious enough anymore."
Well you know what? We don't have to be serious all the time. Yeah it's cheesy, but I for one like that Warrant seem to be having a great time in this video. They can throw a bunch of instruments out of the back of a red car, or have Joey cry after he looks through binoculars and somehow sees Bobbie cut in half. (Think about it, if the top of her torso shows up in one eye and her butt's in the other one... something grim has happened.)
Also, can I please get a red-and-white polka dot sheet set like they have in the bedroom sequence? That might well be my favorite part of the video. The shots of Jani and Bobbie in profile make Jani look astonishingly hot, and besides, I think this is my favorite verse of the song. It reminds me of "Your Mama Don't Dance."
Before the video wraps up, we actually get another high-end reference — the cherry pie painting sitting beside the couch, which the car then appears to drive through, is clearly meant to look like the comic-panel-inspired pop art of Roy Lichtenstein (see, aren't you glad I took all those art history classes in college so I could write a blog about metal videos?). Well, I sure am.
THE VIDEO Guns N Roses, "November Rain," Use Your Illusion I, 1991, Geffen
SAMPLE LYRIC "So if you wanna love me / then darlin' don't refrain / Or I'll just end up walkin' / in the cold November rain"
THE VERDICT I know. I've always said this is a pretty depressing wedding song -slash- video -- I mean, the bride dies. But come on, what metal song/video is more associated with weddings than this one? Umm, none of them. So yes, I have a confession to make. Okay well one, obviously, I'm married now, so congratulations to me. (Also if you're reading this now, it's 2020, and I've been divorced for a few years, so... updated the title on this post.)
But two — I walked down the aisle to "November Rain." Yes, that's right. We sprung for having the pianist learn a new song just for us. And it was by Guns N Roses. If I didn't have enough metal cred for you before, I best have it now.
Hilariously, they wound up just straight playing the song. As soon as I heard the piano at the beginning, standing there with my dad, I just burst into tears. I was like, "Dang, this dude is a really good pianist!" (And to be clear, he'd already played a different song for my husband and our family members to walk in to, like on the piano.)
But then the flute and strings and whatnot came in, and I just burst out laughing. I laughed so hard (while also crying) I had to just stand there at the beginning of the aisle for a few seconds to recompose myself. And of course, right as I made it to my husband I hear my mom say, "What is this awful, cheesy song?" Ah, weddings. But now it's OVER! I'm officially hitched, and can officially kick back.
And can blog about the "November Rain" video. (Fear not, except for this paragraph, I wrote this a while ago -- as you read this, I'm on my honeymoon! I mean dude, I have my limits.)
This is an epic video. And to make it even more epic, I have done quite a bit of research for you, with a bit of help from The Language of Fear. WTH is that, you ask? Well, it's just the book of Del James short stories that contains, "Without You," the story that the Use Your Illusion video trilogy is based on.
We are finally going to learn what really is going on in "November Rain," and also what really would have been going on in the video for "Estranged" if Axl and Stephanie hadn't broken up. (Come to think, that is actually probably why the making-of video is subtitled "Part IV of the Trilogy!!!" — part 3, which concludes the story and explains "November Rain," was never made.)
And speaking of makings-of, I also watched Makin' F@*!ing Videos Part II: November Rain to prepare for this (it's a long title, so hereafter I'm referring to it as "MFV"). Spoiler alert: It's a zillion times less interesting than the The Making of "Estranged": Part IV of the Trilogy!!!, and reveals a lot less about where and how the video was made, despite the fact that it cost them a cold $1.5 million to make it (which would be about $2.4 million in 2010 dollars, just to put that in perspective).
So I did even more research, to find out more about video locations etc. Long story short, I am hoping to make this the definitive account of "November Rain." We are going to get to the bottom of the meaning, the mystery, all of it. Also, this is going to be the longest post ever.
I mean face it, "November Rain" is a monstrosity of a video. It's incredibly long — nine minutes plus — so I am going to do a bit of condensing and just note that all the narrative elements are set against Guns N Roses performing in a large concert hall in L.A. with 1,500 extras, an entire orchestra, and of course some foxy backup singers in skintight lace dresses.
Axl has gone all Elton John, sitting at a ginormous piano and wearing little round glasses with colored lenses. The rest of the band is, you know, putting up with the fact that they are stuck doing this insane video for this completely over-the-top song.
Based on how much they all loved making the video for "Estranged," I'm sure they were all stoked to do this one.
And per "MFV", indeed, they weren't. Nobody besides Axl and Del seems to like the song too much — surprise! — it's hard to play, just like "Estranged". Matt Sorum's sort of circumspect, but is clearly like, Slash and Duff hate this. Duff keeps kind of talking around it, like well it's a more "gentle" song than they're used to playing, or having a 130-piece orchestra is something "we're not used to." Axl of course keeps saying the whole video went "very, very smoothly."
The more interesting thing we learn from "MFV" is that the visual reference to Elton John is probably intentional. Surprisingly, Axl loves Sir Elton — it kind of makes me wonder if it being "hard to hold a candle in the cold November Rain" has any relation to "Candle in the Wind."
Matt Sorum talks a bunch in "MFV" about how Axl really wanted the drums in "November Rain" to sound like Nigel Olsson-style drum fills. He mentions "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" as a specific reference, and notes this is the only time Axl ever really gave him direction on drum stuff.
So weird, right? Though less weird when we remember that Axl and Elton totally duetted this song way back in 1992 at the MTV Video Music Awards. They did the whole yin-and-yang pianos thing and everything!
Gosh, seeing that again made me remember what a big deal the VMAs were to me growing up. Before we had cable, I would make my aunt tape them on VHS so I could watch them. Also, what is with Elton John doing duets with noted homophobes? In any event, Axl talks about this during "MFV" as being among the most nervous he's ever been during a performance.
Anyway, back to the video. So one other interesting thing is that this video was actually performed live, rather than mimed and lip-synched as per usual. Axl talks a bunch about how the video was this great excuse for them to get to book an orchestra, and play with them. "MFV" shows the orchestra playing the ending of the song without GNR accompanying them, and the audience appears legitimately really into it.
It also shows the band playing a kickass rendition of "Dead Horse" for all the extras (they basically watched a really long concert where "November Rain" was played numerous times), who are of course dressed in black tie. Note that the extras in the performance/concert sequences seem to have been much happier than the other extras. You also have to love the flutist in the bustier — such a metal touch to add to the orchestra.
So where do we start? Well, with what's actually the only part of this video that's reminiscent of "Without You," the Del James short story we will discuss at length momentarily. Axl pops some pills and goes to bed in a blue-lit room, implying that everything that happens in this video is actually his memories, not anything that's currently happening now (which as we'll see, makes sense with the short story). First though, he dreams of himself playing piano in his Elton John outfit, inside of a tiny church in the middle of nowhere.
And what does he dream of first? His wedding to Stephanie Seymour! Okay, so much to say here. First, had I done a bit more research, had a lot more money, and been Catholic, I could have totally had the wedding from "November Rain." (Now, thanks to my research and blogging, you can have it! Just keep reading!)
The ceremony was shot at St. Brendan Catholic Church in Los Angeles. It's in loads of stuff, but most notably (for me anyway), the rectory next door is the building Brenda claims is her sorority house in the pilot episode of Beverly Hills 90210. It's a really beautiful church, and incredibly tasteful for southern California. They've got swags of white flowers lining the aisle, and candles everywhere — it's actually kind of a gorgeous ceremony.
But wait, I'm getting ahead of myself.
We need to back up to Stephanie Seymour, 'cause this is amazing. Now I'd always assumed her and Axl's relationship pre-dated her starring in these videos. In actuality, it was her being cast in these videos that started the relationship!
According to "MFV," Del spotted her on the cover of Cosmopolitan, where apparently she seemed "really down to earth." He remembers her as wearing some sort of 60s-ish, hippie-style shirt, but the only Stephanie Seymour Cosmo cover I could find that would be even remotely the right time period has her in a pretty severe white bathing suit. Could it have been this issue of Elle? Nah, too late. This Vogue cover isn't right either.
Okay, Del probably just misremembered what she was wearing, but whatever.
In any event, Stephanie says she had never wanted to be a rock video girl, claiming "I've had people ask me to do videos and I never was interested, until Guns N Roses asked me to do one."
Axl felt the casting decision for the trilogy was important, and that it needed to be an actress-type who would be "motivated" to do the video, which was not just a "tits and ass video." Steph's beyond gorgeous (still is today, lucky girl!) but comes off as a bit dopey in her (brief) interview segments.
She's most famous here though for coming down the aisle in that totally over-the-top Carmela Sutera gown (side note: the designer seems to be out of the biz as of this year, I can't find anything she designed post 2010). It's sort of the wedding dress equivalent of a mullet, though in the industry they call that a hi-lo hem (high in the front, low in the back... so yeah, a mullet!). She has an enormous train and an enormous veil. I think my favorite part of her whole attire though is the bow on top of her head. It's very 90s, but actually very sweet.
Based on "MFV," they legit filmed a wedding. The guy officiating is a friend of Axl's, who it turned out had actually officiated at St. Brendan before. He seems like a total sweetie based on "MFV," and is one of the better actors in the video.
In "MFV", we see that they actually did it all up, vows and everything. He says, "Stephanie and Axl, you have come here freely and without reservation, to give yourselves to one another, each, in love and harmony, in marriage. Will you love and honor each other as man and wife for the rest of your days?" That would be really weird to act out with someone you were just dating. Especially given how the video turns out.
It seems the indoor church scenes were shot at night — everyone is exhausted and miserable. The people in the pews keep laying down, and even the musicians are resting their heads on their instruments. The interviewer in "MFV" keeps asking the guys in GNR what they think their role in the wedding is. None are sure, though Matt Sorum guesses he's an usher. Duff doesn't realize he's meant to be holding the rings until right before they shoot it.
Most hilariously, the woman sitting with Gilby complains vociferously that she thinks no one stood up for her when she walked down the aisle, and Dizzy tries to console her by saying "There's nothing wrong with a sit-down wedding." Despite the late hour, the guys seem way happier and more like they're still friends than they do by the time they're making "Estranged."
But okay, wait, mid-wedding, Axl has a sort of moment of reverie — jeepers, is this a dream within a dream? — where he recalls good times with Steph and the guys at the Rainbow Bar & Grill. We don't see this in "MFV," though they mention an aborted scene at Damiano's — can you imagine if "November Rain" had had a freakin' pizza parlor scene?!? Well, it almost did, but for some reason the location was scrapped at the last minute, and they wound up using the good ol' Rainbow.
They don't show it at all in "MFV" though, so I'm wondering if this is actually extra footage from "Don't Cry" that they've repurposed here. It's got the same look, with the band and their girlfriends hanging out and joking around. Also kids, don't smoke, even if Stephanie Seymour makes it look un-buh-lievably glamorous.
Anyway, Axl gets his head back in the game for the ring exchange, which as we all remember is made hilarious by the antics of Slash, who is apparently the ring bearer in the wedding. The priest asks for the rings, but Slash, patting his pockets, doesn't have them. Luckily, with a wink, Duff produces them — who knows why, but on his pinky. Slash hands the priest the rings, then straight-up leaves the wedding. Oh-kay.
He leaves, of course, to play the solo, which finds him somehow exiting a tiny church in the middle of nowhere, dressed in completely different clothes. He's gone from his church attire — tophat, open white blousey shirt, black jacket, etc. — to his solo attire — hatless, chaps, etc. Slash somehow manages to smoke through the entire solo despite it being extremely windy.
Also, in addition to the different clothes, again, he's in a totally different place — this was shot in a little Old West-style church in New Mexico built as part of a movie set for Silverado. (I'm assuming this is also where Axl is in the one random shot where he appears to be walking through an Old West ghost town.) They had wanted to shoot the solo in a field of long grass or flowers, which to me honestly would seem really weird, but since it was winter, this is where they wound up.
But oh yeah, back to the wedding. Of course we get a gratuitously open-mouthed kiss, then Axl and Stephanie run down the front steps of the church while their friends and family throw rice and flower petals. They get into the back of a car, and while Axl looks stoked, Stephanie looks even more like she wants to cry, puke, or both than she did when they were coming down the aisle.
She's got her game face on though by the time they hit the reception, which my research has uncovered was shot at the Greystone Mansion in Beverly Hills. Available for weddings and other events — see, you can have your own "November Rain" wedding! (It's also where they shot the Axl bedroom scenes, if you're wondering.)
Stephanie has changed into a skintight off-the-shoulder black velvet gown for the reception, which makes her look unbelievably skinny. Axl has swapped for a metallic blue coat that is, amazingly, even uglier than the bizarro frockcoat he wore for the ceremony. No worries though, that thing is still represented in the incredibly accurate cake topper atop their ginormous five-tier wedding cake.
At first, everyone's super-happy at the reception. Everyone's toasting each other, Axl's feeding Stephanie frosting, old people are dancing, little kids are running around, Riki Rachtman is happy to be there. (And in real life, it seems like again the reception was one of the easier parts of this video to film — the extras seem happy, and the band are goofing around, playing with the reception band's instruments. I should also mention the reception band are the Capitol Homeboyz — scroll down to #14 for a peek.)
But next thing you know, everything's going wrong — and weirdly, despite this being the part of the video I most wanted to know about, "MFV" doesn't talk about it at all.
But yeah, it starts raining. I mean pouring. And for some reason, this makes everyone absolutely panic. Everyone's running around like crazy, Duff is hiding under the head table, but what absolutely nails it is the guy who jumps sideways through the wedding cake. WTF is that?! What part of getting out of the rain makes this level of cake destruction necessary? Shouldn't someone have been trying to carry the cake inside? Jeez, it's like "MacArthur Park" all over again. (You know, "someone left the cake out in the rain.")
Still, the final shot of this sequence — of the totally destroyed reception table — is ridiculously well art-directed. Congrats, Andy Morahan.
Then next thing you know, everything's really gone to hell. The song's gotten all dark, and Stephanie's dead! She's in a casket that's sort of like a quarter open, with half her face showing. Also I'm not sure, but she might be rewearing that wedding dress in there. Axl is all sweaty and penitent.
Per "MFV," Stephanie was actually the only one who didn't mind this part of the shoot (another overnight one, using St. Brendan again). Why? because she fell asleep in the coffin and pretty much missed the whole shoot. Axl says it was "pretty creepy" to see her in there. Also, it's not clear why the other guys in GNR aren't the pallbearers, and why instead it looks like Joe Friday is.
And of course, it starts to rain at her funeral, too. But this time, everyone holds it together and just like, busts out umbrellas. No one's jumping through a giant floral arrangement or anything like that. Eventually, the funeral wraps up, and everyone leaves except Axl, who's kneeling beside her grave in the rain. But then wait — Axl's clutching his pillow in the blue-lit bedroom back at Greystone.
So see? It's all been a dream. Or a memory? We won't know until, well, we'll know in two seconds, when I finally start talking about "Without You."
But before then, I need to mention the last significant bit of the video (a bit out of order, but I'm trying to keep things semi-organized) — Stephanie's alive again, and tossing her bouquet off the terrace at Greystone. As it flies through the air, the roses turn from white to red, and we see it as the red rose bouquet that's laying on her casket in the open grave. As the video ends though, the raindrops on the casket leak the color out of the flowers, making them white once more.
Okay, so if this video is actually just the wind-up to what was supposed to happen in "Estranged,"what was supposed to happen in "Estranged"?? Patience, patience (though let me also say if you've actually read this far, good on you!) We need a bit of history first.
So Del James first met GNR back in like 1985, through some sort of convoluted story where basically they wind up crashing together in LA. Axl was actually already working on "November Rain" on the piano at that point, but they wound up putting "Sweet Child O' Mine" on Appetite for Destruction instead, since Axl felt it wasn't finished enough (i.e. since no one else could understand what he was trying to do). Such the artiste, as per usual. In "MFV," he mentions that Tommy Lee's piano work in "Home Sweet Home" really inspired him to go with his piano visions.
Around this same time, Del James started working on drafts of what would become "Without You." It was inspired by Axl's relationship with then-girlfriend (and later wife) Erin Everly. The story actually wasn't written completely when "November Rain" came out — Axl says "November Rain" is more just about his own life — but it does pre-date "Estranged," which was very much inspired by "Without You."
In "MFV," both Axl and Del say "Estranged" is Axl's attempt to write the song within the story. Though they really hedge on this in the "Making of Estranged," in "MFV" it's very obvious they intend that video to depict "Without You" — Axl says, "And if budget allows, we'll film the next parts of the story." Del claims they had considered making an entire movie, but that the video trilogy will instead be a condensed version.
Okay, so finally, here's the story! "Without You" is about an Axl-manque, Mayne Mann, who finds fame with a band called Suicide Shift, and now fronts his own group. It's basically the story of his love for a beautiful woman named Elizabeth Aston, who again is based on Erin Everly.
Mayne loves Elizabeth, but leading the rock 'n' roll lifestyle leads to problems with fidelity, and she's the jealous type (probably hence the catfight scene in "Don't Cry"). Mayne struggles to tell her how he really feels, but it's hard, and long story short, he winds up doing so with a song called "Without You," which he bases on something she says to him (basically that she can't live with him, but she can't live without him — wait, isn't that a U2 song?!).
Most of the story is taken up with one morning in Mayne's life. It starts with him having a nightmare vision of Elizabeth, with the song playing in the background — probably what the nightmare scene in "November Rain" alludes to. Mayne wakes up to find himself in his trashed condo, which he proceeds to get trashed in and to continue the trashing of as he struggles with his memories of Elizabeth. There's a lot of drinking (alternating beer and whiskey), some smoking, a good amount of coke, and plenty of smack. Breakfast of champions! In any event, this is what we can guess is just beginning to happen at the end of "November Rain," when Axl wakes up all sweaty.
In any event, I know what you're all waiting for — how did Elizabeth/Stephanie Seymour die? — so here's the big reveal.
Following an especially blatant episode of infidelity, Mayne is desperately trying to get Elizabeth to come to his concert in L.A. She doesn't show up, so he decides to go to her apartment and surprise her. She won't answer her phone, so he barges in — and finds that she has shot herself in the head while playing "Without You" on repeat. Hence the only partially-opened casket in "November Rain" — I think we're meant to believe much of her head is now missing.
So what does this mean would have happened in "Estranged"? My best guess is we would have seen the infidelity more clearly dramatized than in "Don't Cry" (though there is a lot of fighting in that one). We also would have gotten to watch Axl trash an apartment, smash guitars and platinum records, throw a stereo through the windshield of a Bentley, and make it rain hundreds for a crowd of people gathered below.
But I think the most dramatic moment would have been the big finale — which Del alludes to in "MFV." Mayne has been avoiding ever hearing, let alone playing, "Without You," because his memories of Elizabeth are too painful. But at the bottom of his spiral, he sits down at his piano, high and bloodied, and plays it, soulfully and passionately... as his condo burns to the ground around him, 'cause he dropped a still-burning cigarette on the ground in the bedroom. Dram-a!!!!
According to the Axl-penned preface (written in 1993 and more or less just a hagiography of Del), Del introduced this story to him in draft form by claiming he had just written the story of his best friend's (i.e., Axl's) death. Again, he wrote it in the mid-80s, before Appetite came out, and according to Axl, many aspects of it came true (mainly the over-the-top multi-platinum success bits).
Axl says "Estranged" is his "Without You," a song he is haunted by. He confirms that "November Rain" is more the set-up for the story "Without You," and that "Estranged" was going to be the filming of the story itself, except that Stephanie Seymour had "other plans."
So does this bode well for my marriage? Ummm, well, if we're going to be literalists no, not so much. (And yeah, now this is me talking in 2020 again, can't believe I wrote all that back in 2011! But it was hard to hold a candle... my marriage ended several years ago.)
THE VIDEO Whitesnake, "Here I Go Again," Whitesnake, 1987, Geffen
SAMPLE LYRIC "And here I go again on my oh-ow-own / goin' down the only road I've ever kno-own! / like a drifter I was baw-owrn to walk a-loh-oh-one"
THE VERDICT Thought I was gonna do something all romantic for Valentine's Day, did you? Nah. I'm saving all that stuff for March, when yes, for the second year in a row I am going to be doing a whole month of nothing but power ballads. Given that we have all that syrupy sweet stuff coming down the pike, I didn't feel too compelled to go in that direction this week.
Besides, haven't you had enough pink and hearts and angels and looove and whatnot crammed down your throat?
Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again" video is kind of an antidote for that stuff. I mean yeah, as per always, David Coverdale is full-on open-mouth-kissing Tawny Kitaen all over this video. Seriously, it's like a mama bird feeding a baby bird. Gee-ross.
But really, "Here I Go Again" isn't a relationship song in that way at all. It's a breakup song, or more specifically, a divorce song. David Coverdale wrote it when he realized his previous marriage had reached the point of no return. Hence, "here I go again on my own." It's a pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on song.
Also though, I had to do it because this is really a classic 80s metal video. Even though Whitesnake aren't, you know, that metal per se, Tawny Kitaen doing a front walkover on those Jaguars is really part of the metal canon. I mean think about it — this video has basically everything people thought was sexy in the 80s:
Lots of keyboards: Most Whitesnake songs aren't especially keyboard heavy, but this one's got more memorable keyboard fills than guitar solos. And think about it — the 80s were the decade of the keyboard. Between synthesizers and keytars, it was like every genre of music at least briefly embraced some kind of digital love.
Okay not thrash metal, but most other stuff.
This video really foregrounds the keyboards, too. The whole first verse, until it really starts rocking, we keep seeing Adrian Vandenberg, John Sykes, and dude honestly, I'm not even sure who else (they're backlit and like half a dozen people contributed bass and keyboard work to this album) each with his own giant keyboard.
Adrian and one other guy are also holding guitars, which amuses me. But yeah, the beginning of this song, and how it's visualized, feels like a sort of weird keyboard church thing.
Tawny Kitaen: This is the kind of gal America loved in the 80s. Think about it — great smile, tons of hair, long legs, plus it's the pre-implants era. Physically, Tawny's got a lot in common with other paragons of 80s beauty like Christie Brinkley or Tiffani Amber Thiessen Kelly Kapowski.
She also sports some seriously 80s fashions in this video. The sheer white shirt thing over a thong-leotard is some hardcore 80s weirdness. It's like she's having some kind of "Calgon, take me away" moment there on the Jags. But also the shimmery green dress she wears in the car just screams Dynasty to me — so again, super 80s.
Apparently some other gal was the original cohost, but I only remember Tawny doing it. Post-Coverdale, it was where she went again on her own. Who knew that the idiocy of the Jackalope was the only road she'd ever known.
Expensive cars: The pair of Jaguars that Tawny plays on are really an iconic piece of this video, and of the time. Imagine the whole "yes I'll take one in black, and one in white, and then I'll let my girlfriend cartwheel around on them" transaction — very smooth, very 80s.
Miami Vice-style mens' suits: In discussing the wardrobe in this video, let us not forget to mention the incredible Miami Vice-esque unstructured suit that David Coverdale is wearing in the car. His jacket is deep teal! It would totally look good on Tubbs.
You know a couple of years back a friend of mine unearthed some deadstock jackets just like that that were actually from the Miami Vice collection (apparently they sold branded apparel), but they were a little expensive so I turned them down. Bad decision, I would be totally stoked if I had one of those now.
Long story short though, this was the look of the 80s, at least for yup-wardly mobile men. Just the other day I read an article where Duran Duran claimed that they started this look and then Miami Vice picked it up, but come on, who are they kidding. In any event, with his turquoise soft blazer and skinny black tie, David Coverdale is totally rocking the soft suit.
Debauchery: I know, I know. This is hardly unique to the 80s. But I put this here for one reason, and one reason alone. Um, in case you hadn't guessed where this was going, a NSFW reason. Four words: Tawny Kitaen nip slip.
Now like a zillion times I had heard David Coverdale claim that in this video, there's a part where one of her breasts just pops on out, but I'd never believed it. He always uses it as a like "we were so wild in those days" anecdote.
Having now gone through the video in my typical fine-toothed-comb manner (more or less frame by frame), I can say for myself: Um, it's there. Everyone I've shown it to has confirmed that yeah, we've got boobage.
In the actual video, it goes by way too fast for you to notice. But slow it down and yeah, that just happened.
And I'm not talking like, in an uncensored, never-shown-on-TV version. I mean like on MTV, on Vh-1, and most definitely on the official Whitesnake YouTube channel. This is not an urban legend, it's real.
It really surprised me that it isn't already all over the internet. I mean, isn't this the kind of thing the internet lives for? Then again, I imagine it's probably not like, super hard to see just about anyone topless or whatever these days.
Still, it kind of amazed me — for all the purported debauchery people always complained about in heavy metal videos, this was the first time ever that I was like, dang, they were a little bit right! (Er, well, actually, it's the left one.)
Long story short, between the fast times, the sexy times, and all the keyboards, the "Here I Go Again" video more or less encapsulates the 80s. Or at least, one version of the 80s. A white dude, fast cars and fast women, keyboard-scored version.
THE VIDEO Helix, "Gimme Gimme Good Lovin'", Walkin' the Razor's Edge, 1984, Capitol
SAMPLE LYRIC "Gimme gimme good lovin' / ev-er-y ni-ight / gimme gimme good lovin' / ev-er-y ni-ight (ev'ry ni-ight)"
THE VERDICT Since I used their distinctive "H" in my new logo, I thought it was only fair that this week we turn our attention to the dulcet sounds of Helix. I was about to do "Heavy Metal Love" (mainly because I wanted to talk about Hell Comes to Frogtown), but once I remembered this utter WTF-fest of a video, I couldn't resist. I even had to add "beauty pageant" as a tag because of it.
This video takes the conceit of "Hot for Teacher," subtracts the kids and multiplies it by the leotards and underage girls of "Body Talk," then adds the comedic framing of an early Twisted Sister video to come out with a result that is completely ridiculous. And I mean even for Helix, a band that was extremely susceptible to ridiculous videos.
Helix are sort of like the Y&T of Canada: Like Y&T, they were around forever, worked really hard, and are considered underrated (though less so than Y&T). They've got a similar sound, which I'd characterize as New Wave Of North American Heavy Metal. Think of it as like the NWOBHM, except with way less of an emphasis on the macabre and fantastic, and way more on partying. Oh, and lots of chanting. Lots of chanting.
Also like Y&T, and importantly for my point here, being a bunch of not-good-looking guys, they are constantly placed in videos that either a) minimize their roles in the action, b) surround them with hot women who provide a visual distraction from them, c) are funny, making them the funny guys instead of just the un-hot guys, or d) do all three. This video does all three and then some.
The video begins with a couple of sportscasters having some witty banter that seems choppily edited, I'm assuming because something NSFW gets said. Turns out not only is this video ridiculous in its current state. It also has a completely over-the-top (and completely NSFW) unedited version that was created to be aired on the Playboy channel (!) and which doesn't just feature Traci Lords, I mean it features Traci Lords. When she was 16, no less. Way to keep it classy, Helix.
You can't get your hands on that version, because duh, illegal. Anyway, here's what you get in the edited version: Bald sportscaster: "Well, what can I say, another extravaganza! You can cut the suspense with a knife! I haven't seen so many- boy, the guys in Helix look good, don't they?" Handsome sportscaster: "What can I say?" Bald sportscaster: (nods)
It then cuts to a ditzy, vaguely Southern-sounding blond who the screen identifies as "Beth Broadway, Miss Rock Fantasy 1983." In perfect pageant-ese, she says "Gosh, I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be back here this year. All the girls are such fun, and such wonderful friends."
After this, it cuts back to the handsome sportscaster, who says, "It looks like we're ready, so let's go on down to the floor for the third annual Miss Rock Fantasy Pageant." There's an announcer down on the stage who says, "And now ladies and gentlemen, without any further ado, I'd like to present the girls vying for the crown of Miss Rock Fantasy. Girls, take a bow!" before things actually start with the Lady GaGa -slash- post-op Heidi Montag-looking Miss California, who is nearly falling out of her leotard (which is definitely more low-cut than the others), as she pouts and air-kisses for the camera. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this woman is probably from porn.
We then see a montage of the different contestants either dancing, or in many cases standing still and moving their hair around with their arms, on the lighted walkway. They are all wearing the exact same thing: Black heels, blue sashes, and green and black leotards. The leotards feature a sort of black suspenders look, as if this is possibly two separate leotards and the black is layered over the green. American Apparel, take note. Oh wait, you already have.
We start with Miss Utah, a spunky young brunette who we'll later see looks like a favorite to win. Let me also mention she's played by Brinke Stevens, who a) is in tons of B-horror movies but also b) is totally from San Diego! She should've been Miss California.
She's followed by Miss Georgia, a bored blond a very underage Traci Lords, and then Miss Vermont, who has an incredible amount of hair — it's like knee-length!
Miss Texas is older-looking blonde who seems to have experience dancing on a lighted catwalk.
The next two look kind of young — Miss Illinois, a girl-next-door brunette, and Miss Arkansas, an especially high-school-age-looking blonde who looks nervous. Last up is Miss New York, whose dancing and comportment is vaguely Flashdance-esque.
Ohhh wait. As the song kicks in, here's the band. They've decided to color-coordinate in black and red, all in sleeveless tops with leather pants. Studs are everywhere. Oh wait, I don't mean the guys in Helix are studs. I mean like, they're wearing lots of garments and accessories with little metal grommets attached to them. Don't get it twisted.
Anyway, there's much synchronized headbanging and guitar waving.
As the first verse begins, we see one of the contestants come out to, uh, perform. Is this the talent portion? She's wearing a sleeveless black thing, black booties, sheer stockings, and fingerless black gloves. But it's easy to ignore those given the GaGa-esque halfmask she has on. Half is black and studded, while the other half is just these long, spiky feathers. She carries two coconuts down the catwalk, which she places beside her feet before smashing one of them with a giant wooden mallet. Uhhh oh-kayyy.
This causes singer Brian Vollmer to somersault off the drum riser, which is covered in contestants. The contestants basically dance all over the stage the entire time the band is performing, not really moving around or anything, but just sort of bopping back and forth in place.
The masked contestant smiles and then growls at the camera, which makes the handsome sportscaster sweat like he's in a sauna. I'm not 100% sure about this ID, but I'm thinking this is Traci Lords/Miss Georgia. I'm not very up on 80s porn stars though.
Anyway, the other girls tease Brian with their dance moves, and before you know it we're onto contestant number 2.
She's wearing a very early 80s heavy metal studded black bodysuit with a cut-out that goes down to the navel (and coordinating fingerless gloves!), and sheer black stockings with garters. She does a sexy dance (while smoking a cigarette no less) that ends with her posing on a chair. Hmm, I think the first contestant had a better talent, but we should probably wait for the ballgown portion to judge.
The chorus features more dancing around, and many, many shots of Miss New York's crotch. Apparently she was right in front of the camera, and apparently they liked it that way. Half the time her lower bits are taking up about half the frame, with the members of Helix in the distance behind her.
Oh! Here we go. Another "talent." This one appears to be Lady GaGa/Miss California. In an extremely low-cut black thing that makes the last contestant's attire look tasteful and a pair of elbow-length (you guessed it!) sheer fingerless gloves, her talent appears to be catching white feathers that are falling from the ceiling with her tongue. This makes bald sportscaster sweat and say "WOW" to the camera.
Did I mention before that Brian seems to like Miss Utah best? He keeps leaning on her and pulling her into the frame. In other news, Miss Texas continues to look super-bored.
The guitar solo consists of a black-and-white shot of Brent Doerner walking down the catwalk — which has been colored in purple for some reason — and kicking the lightbulbs off with his foot as he walks along. Hmm. It doesn't really fit with the rest of the video, but whatever. At least he doesn't have to play the solo from like, behind some woman's butt.
Just when you think it's over, there's another talent portion. This one is Miss Vermont, identifiable by the fact that she has more hair on her head than everyone else in this video combined. She comes out in a totally weird get-up with red heeled boots and a hat, and she's got a red motorcycle on the catwalk. Compared to the others, she's demure — she has on an oversized leather vest over her low-cut bodysuit and stocking/garter combo. Oops, nevermind, she just took that off, causing the balding sportcaster to intone, "What can I say!"
This also makes Vollmer jump off the drum riser and do a somersault again. Or knowing Helix metal videos from this era, this is probably the same shot they used earlier. Actually nope, it's not -- the girls are gone.
Anyway, wow, so Vermont's talent includes mounting the front wheel of the chopper in reverse and waving around her truly prodigious amount of hair. Something tells me she's not going to win, even with this crowd.
The video ends with the band and all the contestants huddled in together, with words across the scene claiming "We'll be back to crown our winner after this..." Some weird dude with a mustacheRip Taylor has made it onto Miss Vermont's chopper, and though he's super-excited to be there, I'm not really sure why he's there. Oh wait, for all the topless porn stars! Duh.
P.S.: Amongst all this weirdness, how'd I manage to forget to mention this song is a cover? It was originally performed in 1969 by a Canadian bubblegum pop act with the improbable name Crazy Elephant.
SAMPLE LYRIC "At the girrrrrrlschool / 'Cause my baybay broke all the rules! / At the girrrrrrrrrrrrrlschool / 'Cause my baybay broke all the rules"
THE VERDICT So, as I went to wrangle all the images for this week's post, suddenly Photoshop decides it doesn't want to open JPGs. In fact, it doesn't want to open anything except PSD's -- PhotoShop Documents. How much does this help me? Um, not at all. I tried every single fix I could find online, up to and including wiping all traces of it and then reinstalling Photoshop, and not one of them worked. Not one! Long story short, I had to upgrade, finally did, and boom, here I am. And only one day late!
Anyway, it's September again, and even though I personally don't have to go back to school for another month -- yes, be jealous -- it's back to school for pretty much everyone else. Hence, I've decided to highlight metal videos about school. You have to love metal videos about school: First, they're kitschy. Second, they often look like long-lost 80s movies that in fact never existed. But third, and decisively, they force bands to acknowledge the relative youthfulness of much of their core audience in a way that you almost never see happen outside of pop.
"Girlschool" (not to be confused with the band Girlschool) is no exception. The video kicks off with a bumbling janitor -- think Ernest Works for Minimum Wage (speaking of 80s movies that don't actually exist!) -- peeking into a classroom at an all-girls' school. The students are all wearing short-sleeved buttondown shirts and quite demure knee-length plaid skirts, letting us know there's more than just that "e" separating this Britny from that Britney.
In another feature particularly common to school-oriented videos -- cameos by minor celebs -- the class is totally being taught by a woman who I can't put my finger on it, but she's totally recognizable from 80s movies. She's not the lady who played the gym teacher in Porky's, but she's totally in that vein. She looks pleased with herself to be in this video, and I'm glad she's here too.
The camera follows several girls as they enter the classroom, and draws our attention to one girl, who's rocking a side ponytail and those wire and foam headphones absolutely no one has used since like 1992 -- the kind where at any volume, everyone can hear exactly what you're listening to. The teacher glares at her as she sits down, then goes back to writing "Classical music theory J.S. Bach" on the board.
As the bell rings, the other girls open their books, while side pony hits play on her Walkman. This actually kicks off the song. The teacher whips her head around, spots side pony rocking out, and brandishes scissors. As soon as she cuts the cord running to her headphones however, the front of the classroom magically disappears and is replaced with Britny Fox performing on a soundstage.
The other girls' reaction shots are priceless. Side pony immediately starts jumping up and down while the teacher glares at her. A later shot reveals that though the teacher can hear the music, she can't see the band -- when she turns around, the blackboard reappears. See kids? School. That's where the magic happens.
Why didn't Britny Fox catch on? Well, watching the band for a minute gives you some clues. Dean Davidson might sound like a poor man's Tom Keifer, but he looks like Steven Tyler as drawn by Jack Davis. Even though it was the 80s, this isn't a good thing. Britny Fox fall into the metal typology of "frilly" bands -- arguably, they define the category. But the thing is, these lads don't have the looks or the chops to pull off all this lace.
At least in my opinion. These schoolgirls disagree. As the song progresses, they get wilder and wilder, tossing their hair about, knotting their shirts up, and dancing like crazy. It's like an all-girl, glitter-less version of the final scene in Footloose. By the first chorus, they've all transformed from completely buttoned-up, demure little things who barely look fifteen, to the kind of gals who probably would hang around the Britny Fox tour bus. Well, hotter versions of those girls.
Also, they've magically gotten accessories. Somehow, they've all managed to add colorful gloves, studded belts, and numerous bracelets to their previously staid ensembles. The teacher struggles to get them to sit down, but they won't have any of it.
Instead, they listen to Dean, who leers "you're staying after schooooool" to kick off the guitar solo, which features Michael Kelly Smith standing on top of the teacher's desk. He looks like an ugly version of Steve Whiteman with extremely fried hair. Why he ditched Cinderella to join a band that sounds like a watered-down version of Cinderella... I don't know. I guess it's sort of the opposite of doing what everyone who got really famous did, i.e. leaving London.
Following the solo, things get even more frenzied. The teacher gets into it, waving her arms and high-fiving the girls, even letting down her hair. There's much head-banging and face-making on everyone's parts. The song ends abruptly, and the teacher acts super-surprised by this. All the girls smile at her knowingly, then she sort of nods at them.
And then what? Do they all just finish class with wild hair and wilder accessories? Or does everyone start re-braiding and peeling off their colorful gloves? I want to know more. Much, much more.
I mean face it, this largely okay-ish song is really just screaming to have been made into a plotless, full-length feature 80s teen sex comedy a la Private School. Then we could get a big finale scene of everyone getting involved in some crazy caper. Maybe they could bring back in that janitor from the first scene. Or Rodney Dangerfield. Or even a zany-graduation-antics scene. I'll take anything!
And don't worry -- I'll get my images game in order early for next week, so hopefully this won't happen again. I know this was WAY too many pictures for how much I actually had to say about this video this week, but once I finally got Photoshop up and running again, I was just a little too excited to be able to have pictures. And come on, even if the song isn't that great, this video is pretty dang entertaining.
SAMPLE LYRIC "Is this love that I'm feelin'? / Is this the looove, that I've been searchin' for-or? / Is this love, or am I dreami-iii-in'? / This must be love, 'cause it's really got a hold on mee-eeee / a hold on meeee"
THE VERDICT This isn't my favorite Whitesnake song, but it's Power Ballads Month, so I can't exactly blog about "Slow An' Easy" or "Give Me All Your Love." I do have a particular affinity for it though, as if nothing else, it always makes me think of my cat, Pudge. I have a habit of working my pets' names into songs and singing to them, and given that "Pudge" rhymes with "Love" she bears the brunt of this. Besides, lyrics like "Is this Pudge? That I'm feelin' / Is this the Pudge? That I've been searchin' for" crack me up. So even though this isn't my most favorite Whitesnake song (I've always taken issue with its inclusion on Monster Ballads), here we are, 'cause it's Power Ballads Month.
And this song has a pretty damn enjoyable video. I love it when heavy metal guys invite their real girlfriends to "act" in their videos -- yes, much like having your relationship or marriage showcased in a reality show, it's pretty much the death knell for your relationship, but it gets around the usual "they aren't paying me enough to do that" awkwardness, as the real-life girlfriends are willing to be a lot more demonstrative. Or something.
The video opens with the inimitable Tawny Kitaen in her exposed-brick apartment, hastily packing a few unmentionables while wearing a teensy white dress that may or may not have a super high-waisted 80s thong built into it. David Coverdale -- looking very Sonny Crockett in an unstructured suit with a low-cut tee under it -- basically just watches all this happen. Their initial interaction basically sets the tone for the entire video: Tawny acting all spastic and jumpy, and Coverdale acting tired and resigned. Is this love? I guess?
Everyone in Whitesnake -- and Tawny -- appear to be playing in some kind of vague, dry ice-filled area, with each musician or band member's girlfriend standing atop a kind of horizontal structure. Basically, imagine if Stonehenge fell over, someone dropped a bunch of dry ice there, and everyone in Whitesnake came and stood on it, swaying their hips while playing this song, and you've got it. It's actually a really similar set to the one used in Dio's "I Could Have Been a Dreamer" and W.A.S.P.'s "I Wanna Be Somebody," if you can believe it. On a semi-related note, the humidity seems to be doing a number on everyone's hair.
Tawny next does something that seems totally natural. She drops her trunk in the hallway and balances on top of it in a sexy pose. That's how I usual relieve my frustration. Per my comments before, Coverdale just stands in the hallway staring.
Next we get one of my favorite parts of this video. A flashback! Yes, to the good old days when she would give him a lap dance in their super-80s loft apartment. Look out though David, as when this cuts back and forth, it appears the dry ice is filling the hallway as well -- are they sure it isn't some kind of gas leak? After all, whenever we cut back to them playing the song, everyone seems pretty subdued. It's pretty dim so it's hard to see if Adrian Vandenberg is making his usual guitar face, but based on his other movements I'd have to say the answer is a shocking no.
Coverdale's just laying on the bed, so between that, the nearly catatonic band members, and this sludgefest of a song, it's up to Tawny to carry the whole thing. And she tries very, very hard, tossing around her gigantic mane of hair (seriously, it looks like it's 1/4 of her body weight!), making furious sexy faces at the camera, and getting jiggy with the stairwell railing. I really love how content she is to dance around the bed without getting anywhere near David Coverdale. Even when he reaches out to touch her, you get this sort of "you need to pay extra for that" feeling. Is this love? Umm, doesn't seem like it so far.
Unless, that is, you count the director's love for David Coverdale. They seem to have been so enamored of doing a quick-zoom on Coverdale standing in the hallways that they've felt the need to repeat it at least five times so far. If I were anyone else in the band, I'd be like, "so let's see, you've shown me in silhouette a few times and my face in shadow once, but we've now done a quick-zoom toward David five times?!?" And as I finish typing, they go in for a sixth quick-zoom.
We also keep getting these shots of everyone reflected in water, with a foggy background. In these, Tawny appears to be wearing David's blazer. Does the water signify that this isn't what's really happening? Possibly yes, as she's letting David kiss her. Did I neglect to mention that Tawny has changed into an equally tiny silky black dress? Well, she has. Nothing else has really changed though.
The guitar solo kicks things up a little bit. We actually get to see the rest of the band's faces, and they move around a bit more. At least reflected in the water, David and Tawny seem reasonably realistically affectionate toward each other. And as it wraps up -- look! -- after a few failed attempts, Coverdale finally gets Tawny onto the bed with him. Is this love? Ewww, the leering David out in the hall seems to think so.
Now Tawny's outside, and between the weird loft they live in and all the steam on the street outside, it appears they live near Vince Neil's place in "Don't Go Away Mad (Just Go Away)." She's put on a truly ridiculously proportioned white 80s coat, and in spite of all the sexy faces she was making at the camera a minute ago, she now appears determined to get out of there.
Frustrated, Tawny throws her trunk away, and as she's reaching her car (yes, it's one of the Jaguars from "Here I Go Again"), David Coverdale freakin' jumps out from the shadows, grabs her, and begins yelling at her and shaking her! Next thing you know, he has her laid out on the hood of the Jag and is kissing her neck. Is this love? Gosh, I sure hope not.
P.S. And I can't Kitaen myself! I swear, this is something Mike Myers as Wayne Campbell says at some point, but for the life of me I can't locate the source of this quote. Suffice to say the next words out of his mouth are likely "schwing!"
SAMPLE LYRIC "In the still of the night, I hear the wolf howl honey / sniffin' around your daw-awr / in the still of the night, I feel my heart beatin' heavy / tellin' me I gotta have moe-oh-awwwwwwwr"
EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION In the still of the night, lead singer David Coverdale's then-wife Tawny Kitaen (who went on to divorce him and become co-host of America's Funniest People with another David, Coulier –- and yes sorry about this link, but it was one of the few I could find that at least had a picture), sits at a table and wipes herself down while a fan blows her awe-inspiring mane (even in a decade of big hair, this woman had big hair). Anyway. Meantime, hubbie Dave and the boys are tearing it up on a soundstage liberally decorated with the Whitesnake logo, which I swear to god Marc Jacobs would never admit to referencing but from which the designer borrows liberally –- two seasons ago he did a canvas bag that featured what was essentially the Whitesnake logo done with his own name.
Coverdale's mimicry of Robert Plant soon drives Kitaen from her apartment and into her amazing, very 80s stairwell (she appears to live in the same house that the Mary Jane Girls did in 'In My House'), where it disorients her, causing her to back into a wall and hike up her skirt before running down the stairs. Let the record show that in the still of the night she wears a bustier, a sort of layered, asymmetrical skirt, leather gloves, heels, and large sunglasses, which she tears off when she reaches the bottom of the stairs, facing the camera with that classic Tawny stare.
She enters her garage, which contains (whoa!) one of the Jaguars from the 'Here I Go Again' video. She shakes her ass at the car, perhaps giving it a taste of what's to come (again, viz 'Here I Go Again'), but then –- look! –- who's that standing in front of the other Jaguar from 'HIGA'? It's David Coverdale, of course. We don’t see a reaction from Kitaen, though we do see a random shot of her back at the table, misting her face with water. Coverdale finally pulls it together, saying "Over here, babe," since Tawny's still apparently intent on seducing the car, not the guy (this whole time she's sort of shaking her ass at the car and watching her shadow on the door at the same time). Parallel shots of Kitaen doing a Pat Benatar/Michael Jackson-style dance (it's about halfway between 'Love is a Battlefield' and 'Thriller') and Coverdale doing approximately the same thing to a microphone in front of a large, moon-like circle follow, leading Coverdale to finally pull his car around and Tawny to move toward it.
Smoke or steam of some sort pours across this moon as the entire band rocks out on a series of raised platforms while Coverdale utters a series of groans and shrieks in front of his moon. He eventually becomes a large silhouette in front of the picture of the band, sans moon. We flash back to Tawny at the table, smoking and putting on elbow-length gloves (the perfect thing to cool you off when you're as hot as she apparently is). Gloves on, she continues misting herself while we almost see the other band members: Though they seem ready for their close-ups, they're so backlit it's impossible to tell who's who.
As a violin (yes, a violin) kicks in, Tawny finally makes it out of the building, the camera stalking her from behind a fence of some sort as she struts down the sidewalk. She stops and stares at the camera, which pans up and down her body as smoke or steam or something clouds around her. At length, she appears to become self-conscious (!), and strides away briskly sort of holding herself with her arms. Meanwhile, we cut back to the band and yes, of course, the guitarist is sawing away with a violin bow (and an electric guitar). That's hot.
Tawny runs back up the stairs, and when we enter the apartment she's already comfortably face down on a love seat, blindfolded with her ass in the air. As the camera comes to meet her, Coverdale screams and Kitaen does too, looking really, really not hot. Everyone in Whitesnake goes wild at this turn of events, swinging guitars, pinwheeling with their arms, and finally showing the abandon they haven't really shown yet in this video (I mean come on, they haven't even let the Adrian Vandenberg make that ridiculous pouty face directly at the camera while dropping to his knees once!).
Why is she screaming? Well, she left the door open, and David Coverdale's totally stumbling around her entryway (possibly this was a scene torn from the real pages of their lives? I don’t know). Anyway, as the song appears to start over, Coverdale turns out to be sort of dancing (seductively?) while Kitaen vamps on the couch. As the song nears its frantic zenith ("Still of the night! Still of the night! Still of the night!"), we revisit some of our favorite shots from earlier in the video; Coverdale with the Jaguar, Kitaen with the spray bottle, etc., while everyone in the band flings their hair about for all it's worth. It is so intense that the chains holding some of the lights above Whitesnake's set break, but the band doesn't care.
Kitaen at long last gets her ass up and heads over to Coverdale for one of their trademark open-mouthed kisses (like a real snake, Coverdale seems to unhinge his jaw in an attempt to swallow her face). A happy ending? No! Someone has alerted the authorities, and Coverdale is being dragged away through the now Jaguar-less garage only to be thrown in the back of the van. Who are these buzzkillers? Apparently, they're the "sex police." Go figure.
THE VERDICT Seriously, if Led Zeppelin had still been together and making new music in 1987, this is exactly what it would have sounded like. Between the killer riff, the vocal squeaks and squawks, and all of the start/stop transitions, it sounds exactly like Led Zeppelin. (Until you hit the synthesizer violin part, then you realize, ah, it's 1987, and this is not Led Zeppelin.) You can definitely argue that it's easier to like bands (like Zep) that did not stay together and continue making music through the 80s because unlike with say, the Rolling Stones, you don't have to remember the sinking feeling you felt as you saw your counterculture idols donning cuffed blazers and skinny ties.
But anyway, that aside, this song kicks so much ass, even if it is sort of watered down 80s Led Zeppelin. I never get tired of it, just like people in the 80s apparently never got tired of Tawny Kitaen. Even if the video makes no damn sense (which really it doesn't —- but neither does any Whitesnake video), it continues to drive home some important points for Whitesnake fans. One, lead singer Coverdale at least at the time was totally hitting it with Tawny Kitaen. Two, he and Kitaen both drive (or at least lay on) expensive cars). And three, at least in this video, whatever they're up to is pretty damn kinky. After all, you don't see Jani Lane getting locked up by the sex police!
P.S.: Since I'm retitling this 2004 post from the magical future of 2010, this title is actually a very 2010 reference.
If you found this page, surely you can complete that Cinderella lyric. This is a website I lovingly maintained off and on from around 2005 to around 2011.
Broken links abound, as do references to failed relationships. And I haven’t checked the email address related to this account in probably eight years, though I had some kickass correspondents back when I kept it up.
Also yeah, back when I started this, you could barely find these anywhere outside of VH1 Classic and old VHS tapes... now I'm going through and adding the actual YouTube videos, since it's the future and all the videos are belong to us.
