Dokken, "Just Got Lucky"

At Least 49 Years' Bad Luck

THE VIDEO Dokken, "Just Got Lucky", Tooth and Nail, 1984, Elektra

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SAMPLE LYRIC "You were just using someone / and I was the ooo-oone! / she said 'you just got lucky' / I believed your deadly lies / you just got lucky / I've been hypno-ti-ized!"

THE VERDICT Deceptively simple, this is the video that made me fall in love with George Lynch. He is literally a beacon of hotness throughout this video, having the best hair of his career (his Breaking the Chains half-and-half hair is perfectly grown out) and glistening with sweat. His classic red t-shirt which simply says "Balls" (in Helvetica!) sums it up well.

What else is going on? Well, Jeff Pilson is seriously outdoing himself with the guitar face. That man could give a master class in rock star moves. Don Dokken is running around with bandannas tied to his legs a la Punky Brewster. As per usual, Don is furrowing his brow and making pouty faces at the camera, however in about half the shots here, he's doing it in a sort of low-budget house of mirrors. It's less like the band's playing in a funhouse, and more like they're playing in one of the bigger dressing rooms at Bloomingdale's. You half expect to see a pair of beat up, size 11 women's heels lying on the ground -- not because they belong to Don, but because they always have that in the dressing rooms at Bloomingdale's, as if those are really going to give you a better idea how those $300 jeans look.

But I digress. Don's doing his best to look hurt, because this is yet another Dokken song about the evilness of women. Yes, as any metal video will tell you, we are a serious threat to... what? I guess in this song's case, to male self-esteem? Not really sure.



This is mainly because the lyrics to this song don't make much sense unless you add a bunch of your own punctuation to turn them into more of a dramatic dialogue (sort of like how the woman echoes that one verse in "Breaking the Chains"). The whole song is about getting over someone you had a relationship with who was a completely bad idea. You're having some trouble doing it, but it has to happen.

However, you can only get this by adding a bunch of quotes. Without them, the song sounds kind of schizophrenic. So we wind up with: she said "you just got lucky" / [Don replies:] "I believed your deadly lies" / [again, she said:] "you just got lucky" / [Don replies:] "I've been hypno-ti-ized!"

Even with the quotes, however, it's hard to say why this is lucky. Is she saying he's lucky to even have been screwed over by her? (This is admittedly how I feel about some of my exes.) Or is she implying he's lucky he got out? This isn't my favorite Dokken song (that's "The Hunter"), but regardless, it's one of their most nonsensical, even among the often muddled lyrical imagery of their "damn you, woman!" songs (e.g. "Heaven Sent"). For their part, Dokken seem pretty unconcerned with luck, as they repeatedly break mirrors throughout this video, most often by throwing guitars through them.

What else goes on? Well, we get a lot of Don's face reflected in shards of mirror, and hardly any Mick Brown. And every time we make our way out of the hall of mirrors (by appearing to break them), we get live footage of Dokken (and at least half the time in the same outfits, but live, and much sweatier). These boys need some VO5, stat. Or some of that Pssst dry shampoo.



And just when you think it can't get any hotter -- George Lynch plays the guitar solo on top of a volcano. It's not erupting or anything, but if I remember correctly, it did take a helicopter to put him up there. It also doesn't exactly look inactive. And look at those... well, look at all of it. This was before he went all body-builder, and I much prefer this lankier look (shades of Warren DeMartini!). In any event, George on a frickin' volcano is not a bad way to cap things off.

On a semi-related note, tell me you have seen Dokken vs. Chicken. I know, the current lineup of Dokken only contains the original half of the band that doesn't really interest me -- as I always say, Jeff Pilson would seem like an incredibly hot and talented man were he not in a band with George Lynch, but I'm afraid for me Don and Mick just do not do it. Nonetheless, they're still performing -- with Don's former attorney (!?!) on guitar and Barry Sparks on bass.

Back to my point, they are apparently the centerpiece of a bizarre ad campaign from Norton that while I'm assuming it only runs outside the states, I can only conclude is intended to get me personally to purchase virus protection for my PC. I mean, who else is that obsessed with not only Dokken, but also chicken? And particularly fried chicken. If someone wises up and makes a commercial that involves George Lynch and fried chicken, I am in serious-ass trouble, because I am pretty sure that commercial would simultaneously activate so many pleasure centers in my brain that I would buy literally anything being sold with such a campaign.

P.S.: Thanks to Gareth C. for the suggestions for this post!

KISS, "Tears Are Falling"

Paul Stanley's Playhouse

THE VIDEO Kiss, "Tears Are Falling," Asylum, 1985, Mercury

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SAMPLE LYRIC "You look at me with your eyes in tears / and then it's raining / looks like it's raining / oh no / tears are falling"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION The video begins with two images flashing back and forth in rapid succession: a waifish looking video girl (come to think, she looks just like a less babe-a-licious version of the girl in Danzig's "Mother") looks into the camera, crying; and Paul Stanley's neon gloved jazz hands. This is the backdrop to the song's heavy guitar opening, which continues as we hear Paul go "ah!" and then see a weird, sepia-tone shot of him reacting as if (verbally, if not physically) slapped.

Next we see the girl in her house, also sepia-tone. It looks like the kind of place the Mystery Inc. gang always find themselves in on Scooby-Doo, Where Are You?. All of her furniture -- a loveseat, several chairs, a small coffee table -- is covered with sheets, and the back wall is all huge windows which are covered with gauzy curtains. She jumps up and starts tearing down the curtains, pulling their rods down and everything, and as she runs across the room we can see a non-sepia-tone Paul peeing in the corner. On second thought, he's probably just standing facing the corner with his hands at his waist -- but see, you can see why I made that mistake.

Anyway, as she pulls the curtains down, it lets light in but also makes an insane amount of dust go everywhere (maybe the sheets were on because her floors were being sanded? But I think you'd have to just move the furniture out for that). As she nears him, full-color Paul whips his head around and the song begins in earnest.

First we see Paul onstage. He's wearing a neon pink jacket covered in some sort of pink and orange frippery and boasting enormous shoulder pads over a low-cut yellow tank top (the jacket makes me think of the old Shawn Michaels tag team The Rockers). He also has on neon green fingerless gloves with long yellow fringe hanging from them. Whoa. He's also wearing a lot of makeup -- but no, this is 1985, remember, so I don't mean KISS makeup. I mean regular lipstick.



Gene is next, but his outfit goes by a little too fast for me -- it's much darker, gold, burgundy, purple, etc., and if I had to do a word association to describe his outfit I'd say King Tut, since he's all bejeweled and wearing a big flat collar/necklace thing. Their most recent addition, guitarist Bruce Kulick, has on a tent-like red top, and Eric Carr has (as per always) giant, giant hair and an almost equally giant feathered earring. He's wearing a turquoise jacket, yellow and red belts (or sashes?), and purple pants. This sounds like an outfit I would have chosen for myself in 1985, so I'll allow it.

As Paul continues to sing and gesture dramatically (he's not miming, but enthusiastically pointing at the camera a lot, if you see what I'm saying), we see a tear run down the young lady from the beginning of the video's cheek. It falls into a cup of coffee, causing both cup and saucer to explode. Gene gives us a wink as we move into the chorus, and there we are.

The first chorus gives us our first real look at the set, which I have avoided talking about thus far because it's a real beaut. I'll try to get in all in in under a bajillion words. Kiss are on a stage that's about a 3' high platform made to look like it's made of rock. (To avoid lengthy explanations like this for the rest of this video, let me just use quotes -- imagine me making those stupid finger quotes -- whenever I am trying to say something is mad fake). The platform is surrounded by a "moat" of dry, flat blue plastic which has a few more "rocks" scattered around it. "Jungle vines" and "rope bridges" crisscross the stage, and there are some "plants" back by Eric. Behind him, there's a small "volcano." The backdrop for the set is sort of a red and black "sunset" thing.

Since the backdrop doesn't even wrap around the entire stage, let alone the entire set, I'd like to think it's kind of tongue-in-cheek, "look, we're on a silly set," but based on Paul's outfit I'm going to venture a no. Also, before I forget -- there are a bunch of TVs scattered all around the set showing static, including a whole bunch hanging from the ceiling back by the "volcano". All of these different pieces move around all the damn time thoughout the video for an overall effect that can be easily described in two words (or rather, two compound words) -- Pee-wee's Playhouse.



Anyway. It's Kiss without their makeup so, I know, enough kicking them while they're down. Besides, at the end of the chorus Paul does a little dance and we get to see that he's wearing some pretty hot multicolored boots. Let's move on. We see a couple more "tears" on the sternum of the girl, then as we get into the second verse Paul actually does start miming. He mimes "pulling a rope" while he sings "hold you near," then claps his hand against his chest for "heartbeat" when he sings "your hearrrrrt."

Next we see him kneeling in the "jungle" and rubbing his cheek as if rubbing away a tear in a dismissive manner (a precursor to Ozzy's attitude in "No More Tears"?). Then we look at everyone in the band as they lean on each other and sing along, and a second "tear" joins the first on the girl's sternum (there was some liquor ad last year that used this image exactly, and I found it unappealing then too -- I can't remember who it was, unfortunately. I think a liquer thing, might have been Disaronno or Baileys).

Second chorus, we get another pulled-back shot of the set, and the girl's pulling down her curtains again. We watch Kiss dance and sing a bunch (Paul's really going to town with the "wooo-ooooh-ooooh-ooohhhhhhoohhh") then we see a "tear" run down the girl's knee, which is oddly a little hairy. Then "tears" run down the side of a guitar, and a curtain or piece of fabric is pulled away to reveal -- um, a showerhead. And so yes, if you were wondering, does Bruce go on to play the song's solo in an "outdoor jungle shower", the answer is yes.

We see the girl kneeling in some "fog," then get an amazing close-up of Paul's yellow shirt. It turns out its actually completely sequined/beaded and decorated with black, orange, blue, pink, and deeper yellow zigzags. Whoa. He's also pounding his chest again ("heartbeat"). A "tear" falls from the girl's face, and Bruce musters some guitar face, even though he's pretty soaked. Then we see Paul's shirt again. He's holding his pouffy jacket open to show it off. I wonder if he still owns it -- that must be a heck of thing to run across in your closet.



As Gene and Paul sing, the girl leans backward into the fog. Then, inexplicably, and proving without a doubt that Kiss are either a) taking themselves very, very seriously or b) not, we see that Paul has climbed one of the "rope bridges" and is swinging across the set on one of the "jungle vines." Then the "volcano" "erupts." Kiss dance in front of it while a tear slides down the top of the girl's foot. Then Paul, jacket and shirt-less, leaps with legs akimbo over Bruce and Gene.

After a little more clowning around with the band, the video ends with the girl lying on her covered loveseat as her curtains magically return to their original positions. We see her hand turn off a light switch, then as the light bulb turns on it starts pouring, yes, inside the room, as she's lying on the divan. As the camera approaches the girl, we see Paul's face superimposed. He's using his index fingers to mime "windshield wipers" in front of his eyes.

THE VERDICT Well. I'll be the first to admit that this is the hardest I've been on a video to date, but I would also have to say that this video seems to have been asking for it. The main problem? Kiss. Before you freak out, let me explain.

If "Tears Are Falling" was a song by any other band, it'd be a pretty good song -- maybe even a pretty great song. But Kiss are doing it, not, say, Pretty Boy Floyd (just to use a random example -- and yes, I can't find an even semi-legit link for them), which puts it in the context of other Kiss songs ("Strutter," "I Love it Loud," "Calling Dr. Love," to name some of my favorites), not Pretty Boy Floyd songs ("I Wanna Be With You," "Set the Night On Fire," e.g.). Do you see how this begins to be an unfavorable comparison? If a band like Pretty Boy Floyd had done this song, it would easily be the best song that they'd ever done. But since Kiss are doing it, and up till this point most Kiss songs are pretty good (we're still a couple of years away from "God Gave Rock N Roll to You" and "Crazy Nights"), this is a pretty bad Kiss song. But it's an even worse Kiss video.

Admittedly, unlike all of these other bands, Kiss are not products of the music video era -- they're precursors to it. That said, they definitely aren't (or weren't, I guess) at any point amateurs when it comes to manipulating their image, a point which only leads me to the greater question of why'd they ever lose the makeup, but that's one I'm not even going to touch. This does, however, explain why in their videos from the 80s Paul suddenly appears to be the band's unequivocal leader (just look at Gene -- that's why).

Paul's by far the most video-friendly band member, and in this video (and basically all of them) he's front and center, pouting and posing the whole time. He's also the only one shown with the woman in this video, implying it's a story about him (although based on his exaggerated pantomimes -- "Oh! I'm so sad for you"-- he seems pretty unsympathetic). Does any of this explain his excessively dandaical costumery? Well, no. Nothing really can, so we'll just have to accept the whole thing as something that seemed like a good idea at the time (just like taking off the makeup).