Guns N Roses, "November Rain"

Spoiler Alert: I'm Divorced  

THE VIDEO Guns N Roses, "November Rain," Use Your Illusion I, 1991, Geffen 

SAMPLE LYRIC "So if you wanna love me / then darlin' don't refrain / Or I'll just end up walkin' / in the cold November rain" 

THE VERDICT I know. I've always said this is a pretty depressing wedding song -slash- video -- I mean, the bride dies. But come on, what metal song/video is more associated with weddings than this one? Umm, none of them. So yes, I have a confession to make. Okay well one, obviously, I'm married now, so congratulations to me. (Also if you're reading this now, it's 2020, and I've been divorced for a few years, so... updated the title on this post.)

But two — I walked down the aisle to "November Rain." Yes, that's right. We sprung for having the pianist learn a new song just for us. And it was by Guns N Roses. If I didn't have enough metal cred for you before, I best have it now. 

Hilariously, they wound up just straight playing the song. As soon as I heard the piano at the beginning, standing there with my dad, I just burst into tears. I was like, "Dang, this dude is a really good pianist!" (And to be clear, he'd already played a different song for my husband and our family members to walk in to, like on the piano.) 

But then the flute and strings and whatnot came in, and I just burst out laughing. I laughed so hard (while also crying) I had to just stand there at the beginning of the aisle for a few seconds to recompose myself. And of course, right as I made it to my husband I hear my mom say, "What is this awful, cheesy song?" Ah, weddings. But now it's OVER! I'm officially hitched, and can officially kick back. 

And can blog about the "November Rain" video. (Fear not, except for this paragraph, I wrote this a while ago -- as you read this, I'm on my honeymoon! I mean dude, I have my limits.) This is an epic video. And to make it even more epic, I have done quite a bit of research for you, with a bit of help from The Language of Fear. WTH is that, you ask? Well, it's just the book of Del James short stories that contains, "Without You," the story that the Use Your Illusion video trilogy is based on. 

We are finally going to learn what really is going on in "November Rain," and also what really would have been going on in the video for "Estranged" if Axl and Stephanie hadn't broken up. (Come to think, that is actually probably why the making-of video is subtitled "Part IV of the Trilogy!!!" — part 3, which concludes the story and explains "November Rain," was never made.) 

And speaking of makings-of, I also watched Makin' F@*!ing Videos Part II: November Rain to prepare for this (it's a long title, so hereafter I'm referring to it as "MFV"). Spoiler alert: It's a zillion times less interesting than the The Making of "Estranged": Part IV of the Trilogy!!!, and reveals a lot less about where and how the video was made, despite the fact that it cost them a cold $1.5 million to make it (which would be about $2.4 million in 2010 dollars, just to put that in perspective). 

So I did even more research, to find out more about video locations etc. Long story short, I am hoping to make this the definitive account of "November Rain." We are going to get to the bottom of the meaning, the mystery, all of it. Also, this is going to be the longest post ever.

 

I mean face it, "November Rain" is a monstrosity of a video. It's incredibly long — nine minutes plus — so I am going to do a bit of condensing and just note that all the narrative elements are set against Guns N Roses performing in a large concert hall in L.A. with 1,500 extras, an entire orchestra, and of course some foxy backup singers in skintight lace dresses. 

Axl has gone all Elton John, sitting at a ginormous piano and wearing little round glasses with colored lenses. The rest of the band is, you know, putting up with the fact that they are stuck doing this insane video for this completely over-the-top song. Based on how much they all loved making the video for "Estranged," I'm sure they were all stoked to do this one. 

And per "MFV", indeed, they weren't. Nobody besides Axl and Del seems to like the song too much — surprise! — it's hard to play, just like "Estranged". Matt Sorum's sort of circumspect, but is clearly like, Slash and Duff hate this. Duff keeps kind of talking around it, like well it's a more "gentle" song than they're used to playing, or having a 130-piece orchestra is something "we're not used to." Axl of course keeps saying the whole video went "very, very smoothly." 

The more interesting thing we learn from "MFV" is that the visual reference to Elton John is probably intentional. Surprisingly, Axl loves Sir Elton — it kind of makes me wonder if it being "hard to hold a candle in the cold November Rain" has any relation to "Candle in the Wind." 

Matt Sorum talks a bunch in "MFV" about how Axl really wanted the drums in "November Rain" to sound like Nigel Olsson-style drum fills. He mentions "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" as a specific reference, and notes this is the only time Axl ever really gave him direction on drum stuff.

 

So weird, right? Though less weird when we remember that Axl and Elton totally duetted this song way back in 1992 at the MTV Video Music Awards. They did the whole yin-and-yang pianos thing and everything! 

Gosh, seeing that again made me remember what a big deal the VMAs were to me growing up. Before we had cable, I would make my aunt tape them on VHS so I could watch them. Also, what is with Elton John doing duets with noted homophobes? In any event, Axl talks about this during "MFV" as being among the most nervous he's ever been during a performance. 

Anyway, back to the video. So one other interesting thing is that this video was actually performed live, rather than mimed and lip-synched as per usual. Axl talks a bunch about how the video was this great excuse for them to get to book an orchestra, and play with them. "MFV" shows the orchestra playing the ending of the song without GNR accompanying them, and the audience appears legitimately really into it. 

It also shows the band playing a kickass rendition of "Dead Horse" for all the extras (they basically watched a really long concert where "November Rain" was played numerous times), who are of course dressed in black tie. Note that the extras in the performance/concert sequences seem to have been much happier than the other extras. You also have to love the flutist in the bustier — such a metal touch to add to the orchestra. 

So where do we start? Well, with what's actually the only part of this video that's reminiscent of "Without You," the Del James short story we will discuss at length momentarily. Axl pops some pills and goes to bed in a blue-lit room, implying that everything that happens in this video is actually his memories, not anything that's currently happening now (which as we'll see, makes sense with the short story). First though, he dreams of himself playing piano in his Elton John outfit, inside of a tiny church in the middle of nowhere.

 

And what does he dream of first? His wedding to Stephanie Seymour! Okay, so much to say here. First, had I done a bit more research, had a lot more money, and been Catholic, I could have totally had the wedding from "November Rain." (Now, thanks to my research and blogging, you can have it! Just keep reading!) 

The ceremony was shot at St. Brendan Catholic Church in Los Angeles. It's in loads of stuff, but most notably (for me anyway), the rectory next door is the building Brenda claims is her sorority house in the pilot episode of Beverly Hills 90210. It's a really beautiful church, and incredibly tasteful for southern California. They've got swags of white flowers lining the aisle, and candles everywhere — it's actually kind of a gorgeous ceremony. But wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. 

We need to back up to Stephanie Seymour, 'cause this is amazing. Now I'd always assumed her and Axl's relationship pre-dated her starring in these videos. In actuality, it was her being cast in these videos that started the relationship! 

According to "MFV," Del spotted her on the cover of Cosmopolitan, where apparently she seemed "really down to earth." He remembers her as wearing some sort of 60s-ish, hippie-style shirt, but the only Stephanie Seymour Cosmo cover I could find that would be even remotely the right time period has her in a pretty severe white bathing suit. Could it have been this issue of Elle? Nah, too late. This Vogue cover isn't right either. 

Okay, Del probably just misremembered what she was wearing, but whatever. In any event, Stephanie says she had never wanted to be a rock video girl, claiming "I've had people ask me to do videos and I never was interested, until Guns N Roses asked me to do one." 

Axl felt the casting decision for the trilogy was important, and that it needed to be an actress-type who would be "motivated" to do the video, which was not just a "tits and ass video." Steph's beyond gorgeous (still is today, lucky girl!) but comes off as a bit dopey in her (brief) interview segments. 

She's most famous here though for coming down the aisle in that totally over-the-top Carmela Sutera gown (side note: the designer seems to be out of the biz as of this year, I can't find anything she designed post 2010). It's sort of the wedding dress equivalent of a mullet, though in the industry they call that a hi-lo hem (high in the front, low in the back... so yeah, a mullet!). She has an enormous train and an enormous veil. I think my favorite part of her whole attire though is the bow on top of her head. It's very 90s, but actually very sweet.

 

Based on "MFV," they legit filmed a wedding. The guy officiating is a friend of Axl's, who it turned out had actually officiated at St. Brendan before. He seems like a total sweetie based on "MFV," and is one of the better actors in the video. 

In "MFV", we see that they actually did it all up, vows and everything. He says, "Stephanie and Axl, you have come here freely and without reservation, to give yourselves to one another, each, in love and harmony, in marriage. Will you love and honor each other as man and wife for the rest of your days?" That would be really weird to act out with someone you were just dating. Especially given how the video turns out. 

It seems the indoor church scenes were shot at night — everyone is exhausted and miserable. The people in the pews keep laying down, and even the musicians are resting their heads on their instruments. The interviewer in "MFV" keeps asking the guys in GNR what they think their role in the wedding is. None are sure, though Matt Sorum guesses he's an usher. Duff doesn't realize he's meant to be holding the rings until right before they shoot it. 

Most hilariously, the woman sitting with Gilby complains vociferously that she thinks no one stood up for her when she walked down the aisle, and Dizzy tries to console her by saying "There's nothing wrong with a sit-down wedding." Despite the late hour, the guys seem way happier and more like they're still friends than they do by the time they're making "Estranged." 

But okay, wait, mid-wedding, Axl has a sort of moment of reverie — jeepers, is this a dream within a dream? — where he recalls good times with Steph and the guys at the Rainbow Bar & Grill. We don't see this in "MFV," though they mention an aborted scene at Damiano's — can you imagine if "November Rain" had had a freakin' pizza parlor scene?!? Well, it almost did, but for some reason the location was scrapped at the last minute, and they wound up using the good ol' Rainbow. 

They don't show it at all in "MFV" though, so I'm wondering if this is actually extra footage from "Don't Cry" that they've repurposed here. It's got the same look, with the band and their girlfriends hanging out and joking around. Also kids, don't smoke, even if Stephanie Seymour makes it look un-buh-lievably glamorous. 

Anyway, Axl gets his head back in the game for the ring exchange, which as we all remember is made hilarious by the antics of Slash, who is apparently the ring bearer in the wedding. The priest asks for the rings, but Slash, patting his pockets, doesn't have them. Luckily, with a wink, Duff produces them — who knows why, but on his pinky. Slash hands the priest the rings, then straight-up leaves the wedding. Oh-kay. 

 

He leaves, of course, to play the solo, which finds him somehow exiting a tiny church in the middle of nowhere, dressed in completely different clothes. He's gone from his church attire — tophat, open white blousey shirt, black jacket, etc. — to his solo attire — hatless, chaps, etc. Slash somehow manages to smoke through the entire solo despite it being extremely windy. 

Also, in addition to the different clothes, again, he's in a totally different place — this was shot in a little Old West-style church in New Mexico built as part of a movie set for Silverado. (I'm assuming this is also where Axl is in the one random shot where he appears to be walking through an Old West ghost town.) They had wanted to shoot the solo in a field of long grass or flowers, which to me honestly would seem really weird, but since it was winter, this is where they wound up. 

But oh yeah, back to the wedding. Of course we get a gratuitously open-mouthed kiss, then Axl and Stephanie run down the front steps of the church while their friends and family throw rice and flower petals. They get into the back of a car, and while Axl looks stoked, Stephanie looks even more like she wants to cry, puke, or both than she did when they were coming down the aisle. 

She's got her game face on though by the time they hit the reception, which my research has uncovered was shot at the Greystone Mansion in Beverly Hills. Available for weddings and other events — see, you can have your own "November Rain" wedding! (It's also where they shot the Axl bedroom scenes, if you're wondering.) 

Stephanie has changed into a skintight off-the-shoulder black velvet gown for the reception, which makes her look unbelievably skinny. Axl has swapped for a metallic blue coat that is, amazingly, even uglier than the bizarro frockcoat he wore for the ceremony. No worries though, that thing is still represented in the incredibly accurate cake topper atop their ginormous five-tier wedding cake. 

At first, everyone's super-happy at the reception. Everyone's toasting each other, Axl's feeding Stephanie frosting, old people are dancing, little kids are running around, Riki Rachtman is happy to be there. (And in real life, it seems like again the reception was one of the easier parts of this video to film — the extras seem happy, and the band are goofing around, playing with the reception band's instruments. I should also mention the reception band are the Capitol Homeboyz — scroll down to #14 for a peek.)

 

But next thing you know, everything's going wrong — and weirdly, despite this being the part of the video I most wanted to know about, "MFV" doesn't talk about it at all. 

But yeah, it starts raining. I mean pouring. And for some reason, this makes everyone absolutely panic. Everyone's running around like crazy, Duff is hiding under the head table, but what absolutely nails it is the guy who jumps sideways through the wedding cake. WTF is that?! What part of getting out of the rain makes this level of cake destruction necessary? Shouldn't someone have been trying to carry the cake inside? Jeez, it's like "MacArthur Park" all over again. (You know, "someone left the cake out in the rain.") 

Still, the final shot of this sequence — of the totally destroyed reception table — is ridiculously well art-directed. Congrats, Andy Morahan. 

Then next thing you know, everything's really gone to hell. The song's gotten all dark, and Stephanie's dead! She's in a casket that's sort of like a quarter open, with half her face showing. Also I'm not sure, but she might be rewearing that wedding dress in there. Axl is all sweaty and penitent. 

Per "MFV," Stephanie was actually the only one who didn't mind this part of the shoot (another overnight one, using St. Brendan again). Why? because she fell asleep in the coffin and pretty much missed the whole shoot. Axl says it was "pretty creepy" to see her in there. Also, it's not clear why the other guys in GNR aren't the pallbearers, and why instead it looks like Joe Friday is. 

And of course, it starts to rain at her funeral, too. But this time, everyone holds it together and just like, busts out umbrellas. No one's jumping through a giant floral arrangement or anything like that. Eventually, the funeral wraps up, and everyone leaves except Axl, who's kneeling beside her grave in the rain. But then wait — Axl's clutching his pillow in the blue-lit bedroom back at Greystone. 

So see? It's all been a dream. Or a memory? We won't know until, well, we'll know in two seconds, when I finally start talking about "Without You." 

But before then, I need to mention the last significant bit of the video (a bit out of order, but I'm trying to keep things semi-organized) — Stephanie's alive again, and tossing her bouquet off the terrace at Greystone. As it flies through the air, the roses turn from white to red, and we see it as the red rose bouquet that's laying on her casket in the open grave. As the video ends though, the raindrops on the casket leak the color out of the flowers, making them white once more.

 

Okay, so if this video is actually just the wind-up to what was supposed to happen in "Estranged," what was supposed to happen in "Estranged"?? Patience, patience (though let me also say if you've actually read this far, good on you!) We need a bit of history first. 

So Del James first met GNR back in like 1985, through some sort of convoluted story where basically they wind up crashing together in LA. Axl was actually already working on "November Rain" on the piano at that point, but they wound up putting "Sweet Child O' Mine" on Appetite for Destruction instead, since Axl felt it wasn't finished enough (i.e. since no one else could understand what he was trying to do). Such the artiste, as per usual. In "MFV," he mentions that Tommy Lee's piano work in "Home Sweet Home" really inspired him to go with his piano visions. 

Around this same time, Del James started working on drafts of what would become "Without You." It was inspired by Axl's relationship with then-girlfriend (and later wife) Erin Everly. The story actually wasn't written completely when "November Rain" came out — Axl says "November Rain" is more just about his own life — but it does pre-date "Estranged," which was very much inspired by "Without You." 

In "MFV," both Axl and Del say "Estranged" is Axl's attempt to write the song within the story. Though they really hedge on this in the "Making of Estranged," in "MFV" it's very obvious they intend that video to depict "Without You" — Axl says, "And if budget allows, we'll film the next parts of the story." Del claims they had considered making an entire movie, but that the video trilogy will instead be a condensed version. 

Okay, so finally, here's the story! "Without You" is about an Axl-manque, Mayne Mann, who finds fame with a band called Suicide Shift, and now fronts his own group. It's basically the story of his love for a beautiful woman named Elizabeth Aston, who again is based on Erin Everly. 

Mayne loves Elizabeth, but leading the rock 'n' roll lifestyle leads to problems with fidelity, and she's the jealous type (probably hence the catfight scene in "Don't Cry"). Mayne struggles to tell her how he really feels, but it's hard, and long story short, he winds up doing so with a song called "Without You," which he bases on something she says to him (basically that she can't live with him, but she can't live without him — wait, isn't that a U2 song?!). 

Most of the story is taken up with one morning in Mayne's life. It starts with him having a nightmare vision of Elizabeth, with the song playing in the background — probably what the nightmare scene in "November Rain" alludes to. Mayne wakes up to find himself in his trashed condo, which he proceeds to get trashed in and to continue the trashing of as he struggles with his memories of Elizabeth. There's a lot of drinking (alternating beer and whiskey), some smoking, a good amount of coke, and plenty of smack. Breakfast of champions! In any event, this is what we can guess is just beginning to happen at the end of "November Rain," when Axl wakes up all sweaty.

 

In any event, I know what you're all waiting for — how did Elizabeth/Stephanie Seymour die? — so here's the big reveal. 

Following an especially blatant episode of infidelity, Mayne is desperately trying to get Elizabeth to come to his concert in L.A. She doesn't show up, so he decides to go to her apartment and surprise her. She won't answer her phone, so he barges in — and finds that she has shot herself in the head while playing "Without You" on repeat. Hence the only partially-opened casket in "November Rain" — I think we're meant to believe much of her head is now missing. 

So what does this mean would have happened in "Estranged"? My best guess is we would have seen the infidelity more clearly dramatized than in "Don't Cry" (though there is a lot of fighting in that one). We also would have gotten to watch Axl trash an apartment, smash guitars and platinum records, throw a stereo through the windshield of a Bentley, and make it rain hundreds for a crowd of people gathered below. 

But I think the most dramatic moment would have been the big finale — which Del alludes to in "MFV." Mayne has been avoiding ever hearing, let alone playing, "Without You," because his memories of Elizabeth are too painful. But at the bottom of his spiral, he sits down at his piano, high and bloodied, and plays it, soulfully and passionately... as his condo burns to the ground around him, 'cause he dropped a still-burning cigarette on the ground in the bedroom. Dram-a!!!! 

According to the Axl-penned preface (written in 1993 and more or less just a hagiography of Del), Del introduced this story to him in draft form by claiming he had just written the story of his best friend's (i.e., Axl's) death. Again, he wrote it in the mid-80s, before Appetite came out, and according to Axl, many aspects of it came true (mainly the over-the-top multi-platinum success bits). 

Axl says "Estranged" is his "Without You," a song he is haunted by. He confirms that "November Rain" is more the set-up for the story "Without You," and that "Estranged" was going to be the filming of the story itself, except that Stephanie Seymour had "other plans." 

So does this bode well for my marriage? Ummm, well, if we're going to be literalists no, not so much. (And yeah, now this is me talking in 2020 again, can't believe I wrote all that back in 2011! But it was hard to hold a candle... my marriage ended several years ago.)

Slaughter, "Real Love"

Mark Hearts Brenda Shannen!  

THE VIDEO Slaughter, "Real Love," The Wild Life, 1992, Chrysalis SAMPLE LYRIC "Real love! / Won't somebody showw-owww me? / Real love! / Isn't anyone one truuu-uuue anymorrre? / Real love! / Won't somebody showw-owww me? / Real loooooove" 

THE VERDICT When you think of famous women who've made cameos in heavy metal videos — nay, many of whom made their careers in heavy metal videos — plenty of big names come to mind. Tawny Kitaen, Stephanie Seymour, perhaps even Bobbie Brown, she of "Cherry Pie" fame. 

How is it that in this pantheon of metal pulchritude we have forgotten none other than Shannen Doherty? Oh yeah, probably because she was in a Slaughter video. 

But 'tis true — Heather Duke from Heathers, better known as Brenda from Beverly Hills, 90210 stars as Mark Slaughter's love interest in the video for "Real Love." 

This is actually probably my favorite Slaughter song. I mean, the verses in "Up All Night" are great, but it's played to death, and besides, the kids singing are just creepy. If we're gonna get technical, I actually like Mark's work with the Vinnie Vincent Invasion better, but for the moment focusing on the Slaughter output, I like this song best. 

The video takes us, ostensibly, behind the scenes, both of the music video itself, and of whatever it is we're meant to believe Shannen Doherty is doing. We see the space where Slaughter perform the song as a video set, with crew members setting up the instruments, and all kinds of various cameras and lighting rigs visible in the early shots. Shannen Doherty is likewise first spotted behind the scenes, though it's unclear if she's in the same place or somewhere else. Assuming she's not in the same space, as it later appears, she looks to be arriving at some kind of photo shoot.

 

I always wonder about videos like this — does the camera crew just film itself? Or is there a second, fake camera crew that plays the camera crew, and the real camera crew films that? This video is full of shots of like the dollys, and the video being played back on monitors, and stuff like that. Is it just the real stuff they were using, or is there a second layer of real stuff behind it? 

It's hard to say, since this video looks like it was actually pretty high budget — it's easy to forget now, but at the time people really loved Slaughter. I mean this is their second album, which was way less big than the first, and they still are getting Shannen Doherty money. By their third album, they would have been lucky to get Gabrielle Carteris. 

Amusingly, for some reason there is a pay phone on the set of the Slaughter video. I like that the band would have to make phone calls on their own dime — so weird. Anyway, Mark Slaughter is looking all pensive on the phone as a guy comes and taps on the glass, apparently telling him to wrap it up.

We then get a shot of an old-school office phone ringing — you know the type, with a bunch of different light-up keys for different lines below the number pad? Okay if you're much younger than me, you probably don't even remember these, but suffice to say it's the early 90s, so they don't have cell phones. They don't even have giant Zack Morris cordless phones. 

No one picks up though, and from the beginning of this video, Mark is making faces like a puppy who's just been scolded for peeing in the house. Also, suddenly in this video he plays the guitar — well, he holds one anyway. 

Mark is clearly the star of this video, though we do see the other members of Slaughter a bit. Blas Elias has his de rigeur customized gong behind him, and the camera tries to ignore the fact that at this point he's obviously the best looking member of the band. This effort isn't helped by Dana Strum, who makes a progression of ultra-serious faces at the camera. Tim Kelly (RIP) is in it the least — he's kind of off to one side, and frequently hard to see due to spotlights shining at the camera.

 

Oh! There's Shannen! She's sitting at a makeup table piled with products, and looking despondently at the phone. Um well he was trying to call you earlier honey, but you didn't pick up! Oh no wait, one of the lights on the phone is blinking. 

Maybe he is still trying to call, but she's not answering? Or maybe that means she has a message? Dang, it's been so long that I can't remember how non-cellular phones work. Is Mark on hold? Well I guess that's only possible if he deposited a lot of quarters, so. Oh wait, no, now we see Mark is on the phone again. Just as quickly it's gone though. 

Can I mention that the use of spotlights in this video is particularly egregious. It keeps looking like there are small-scale explosions going on next to Dana, but it's just the lights shining straight into the camera. Why did people think this was such a cool visual effect? It's just annoying. And it had to be hella bright for the camera operator. 

Now Shannen's looking haughtily sad while she has her makeup done. I know I'm mixing my popular teen shows here, but she's looking quite Blair Waldorf at this moment. At last, we see what she's doing — it is a photo shoot. At first we see her posing in front of a fake city skyline. 

Then during the chorus we get close-up glamour shots of Shannen, which are interrupted by flashes of white — I think we're meant to believe this is the camera shooting photos of her. She's full Brenda at this point in time — heavy eyebrows, heavy straight bangs — but she looks quite pretty (what can I say, I always liked Kelly better). 

Anyway, now Mark's on the phone again, but Shannen's already in a cab. Interspersed with band footage, we get moody shots of Shannen having her hair done while looking sad, and Mark sitting alone off set. 

Next thing we know Shannen's doing a different photo shoot, sitting on sort of a weird chaise lounge while wrapped in a sheet. What are we supposed to believe these photos are for? For some reason they're being shot with an old-timey box camera. 

As we head into the guitar solo, the video gets even more plotless. It's like they started out with a sort of narrative arc or plan, and then didn't shoot enough, and had to just mix everything together. We get Shannen posing in black and white, Mark on the phone, Shannen in the cab, lots of shots of the crew (or is the fake crew?) filming the band, etc., with no real rhyme or reason. 

I mean throughout the whole video, I'm not even sure who's the villain here. Mark keeps whining about his desire for "Real Love," but is he the problem? Is Shannen? They both seem sad and like they want to talk to the other one. Or something. Maybe if I understood what the glowing buttons on her phone meant I'd be better able to puzzle this out.

 

Nope. I guess not. Mark makes a sort of sour face, and hangs up the pay phone, walking back to the video set. Shannen just rides off in her cab, an enigma. And that's it. The video just ends. Which one of them wasn't being "true anymore"? We'll never know. 

But I mean, we can guess. And my guess is that while they could afford to get Shannen Doherty to be in this video, they couldn't afford — or possibly, given her reputation for um, let's say prickly behavior — couldn't negotiate her really being in this video. 

Based on what we see here, we can safely assume Doherty and Slaughter never actually crossed paths in real life. They don't even use that favorite low-budget trick of showing the image of one superimposed beside the image of the other, implying they're, you know, thinking about each other or something. 

Instead, we just get an icy non-relationship between a singer and a model/actress. Boo! This is not very romantic. This is not "Real Love." This is called a gratuitous cameo. It doesn't buy us very much. Nor does it seem to buy Slaughter very much. 

Unlike Color Me Badd (who are featured extensively in an early episode of a show), or the zillion bands who grace the stage of the Peach Pit After Dark (including, improbably, the Flaming Lips), Slaughter never even made it onto 90210. 

I should point out though that Doherty's appearance marks the second time (that I know of thus far) that an actor from 90210 appears in a metal video. The third one, as we saw not too long ago, was Jason Wiles (aka "Colin") in Bon Jovi's "Always." And the first one? Well, it's pretty amazing — too amazing to waste on the last line of a post about a Slaughter video. So unless you already know what I'm talking about, you're just going to have to wait and see. 

And speaking of last words, just when I think I'm getting to have it, it turns out Beavis and Butt-head totally watched this video — I can't believe I forgot that. Season 5, Episode 11, "Career Day" — "Real Love" is the first video they watch. Suffice to say the boys do not have kind words for Ms. Doherty. 

My favorite part though is when Beavis freaks out while trying to spit out the numbers "90210", and Butt-head slaps him, saying "Beavis, next time you're talking about that show, just say 'Beverly Hills' and forget about the numbers, okay."

Pretty Boy Floyd, "I Wanna Be With You"

Next Time, Just Pass Her a Note  

THE VIDEO Pretty Boy Floyd, "I Wanna Be With You," Leather Boyz with Electric Toyz, 1989, MCA

SAMPLE LYRIC "I wanna be-eee with you-oooh / I wanna be with you-ooh! / I wanna be-eee with you-oooh" (repeat endlessly) 

THE VERDICT I've been doing mostly well-known, everyone-can-sing-along power ballads so far, so I decided to throw in one lesser-known track. Now if you've been reading this blog for a while, you might remember that the last time I talked about a Pretty Boy Floyd video, it took quite a beating. 

If that upset or distressed you in any way, you should probably stop reading right now, 'cause spoiler alert: This song is horrible. But it's so amazing in its awfulness that I have to talk about it. 

Recall that Pretty Boy Floyd claim to be "dirty glam," and to have styled their look and sound after Mötley Crüe. Now spend a minute thinking about how awesome Mötley Crüe are, especially like Shout at the Devil. Once you feel you have sufficiently reacquainted yourself with how badass the Crüe are, listen to this song. I mean seriously, listen to it. Make yourself do it. Good lord. Listen to it. 

I mean even just the beginning: "As I was walking out of class / the other day at school / I saw you." 

One: We're supposed to believe these guys are in high school?!?! 

Two: We're supposed to believe these guys are badass, dirty, raunchy rockers when they are singing about stuff like this? 

I mean sure, on the one hand, if it's like "Yeah, I'm a gross twenty-something dude hanging around the high school picking up underage chicks," I guess that seems sort of like, LA Guns-ish. But based on the rest of the song, that's not what's happening here. No, it's something much lamer. "I don't live too far / we could walk down to the park / if you got nothing else to do." Seriously, this sounds like Milhouse trying to ask out Lisa Simpson! 

The video more or less acts this out. Well, sort of. It's all in black and white, and one shot fades into the next really quickly. 

Complicating matters further, there's some serious spotlight abuse going on. The spotlights keep shining directly into the camera, making it even harder than normal to tell who's who, since everyone in this band looks like Nadir D'Priest (except for Vinnie Chas [RIP] who as I've pointed out before looks like a glam double for Warrant's Joey Allen. But he's barely in this video, so). 

They also keep throwing in crazy shots for no reason. Like there's a really long shot of drummer Kari Kane that's basically from the point of view of one of the cymbals. WTF is the point of that?

 

Anyway, Pretty Boy Floyd are standing around on these risers that are covered in spotlights. Singer Steve 'Sex' Summers (say that five times fast) is looking extra like a lady. I don't know if it's his big Carly Simon hat, or his little gloves, or just his like, smoky eye look, but the whole package does not fit with the everyone-firing-tommy-guns intro to the video. 

And of course, we're supposed to believe that the girl in the video wants to "be with" him. She's a super-wholesome-looking blonde, very much not your usual metal video gal. She kind of reminds me of Victoria Jackson, the comedian with the breathy voice who used to be on SNL in the late 80s/early 90s —probably best remembered as the lady who had all those extra fingers. 

Anyway yeah, they literally act out the song in the video. Steve calls her from the video — like right there, in the middle of all the risers and spotlights, there's a freakin' payphone. While Kristy Majors rocks out in the background, he coos this song's ridiculous lyrics to her. 

She's lying on her bedroom floor reading a magazine, and seeming more genuinely like a high school girl than most of the women you see in metal videos (though to be clear, she seems way older than high-school age). 

I also need to point out that everyone but Steve seems to think this is a wayyyyy more intense song than it is. Kristy machine-guns his guitar and throws punches at the camera, Vinnie thrashes around and glares intensely, and Kari looks like he is competing in a "Make Your Best Tommy Lee Face" contest. 

Seriously, his mouth is open in that sort of fake "Oh no!" pout the whole time — then again, his nickname was 'The Mouth.' I should also mention the enormous amount of drumstick spinning going on, like way more than you need for a song like this. I mean this is a drippy, slow-ass song.

 

Anyway, of course toward the end of the song, the girl shows up at the video. Steve leaves with her, acting awfully bashful for someone whose nickname is 'Sex'. The other guys are left to just sit there with all the spotlights, but then look — she called all her friends! Yeah, they look more like, you know, not-super-young single moms than like high school students, but whatever. It's still enough to get Kari to do a double-take. High school girls for everyone! 

They all leave, but the spotlights are still going. What, is this just like, where Pretty Boy Floyd hang out? They never do any meta-stuff, like showing cameras, the fact that they're making a video or whatever. Likewise, the girls don't seem like, impressed or interested by the band's whole setup. 

Does this mean all these spotlights and crap are actually in like, Kristy's mom's basement or something? You know actually, that would make sense. 

Oh man. I kind of alluded to it before, but seriously guys, this song is awful. Why does Steve suddenly have a Madonna-esque British accent? And the freaking chimes every time the verse begins again? This is verging on being physically painful. Could anyone have done this song and made it into a good one? Possibly Stryper, but the lyrics seem a little too risque for them. 

I talked about this at length the other time I talked about Pretty Boy Floyd, but here it's even more apparent. They think they're doing a whole "dirty glam," sleazy Mötley Crüe thing, but come on. You're asking high school girls to take a walk in the park with you! And you actually mean a walk in the park, it's not like, a gross metaphor for some weird sex act. 

But alongside all these wholesome lyrics, we've got all kinds of black leather, draggy makeup, and the lascivious nicknames. This makes the whole situation even less realistic, if that's possible. 

I mean, I can't imagine my high school self sitting in my high school bedroom, and my mom like yelling up to me, "Honey, Sex is on the phone!" Or like, "The Mouth called while you were in the shower." And then to have him call and screech "I wanna be with you-ouuu!" into the phone? Sorry, but no. Just... no.

Warrant, "Sometimes She Cries"

Somebody Forgot to Close the Barn Door  

THE VIDEO Warrant, "Sometimes She Cries," Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinking Rich, 1989, Columbia

SAMPLE LYRIC "(Sometimes she cries!) / when she's alone at ni-ight / (sometimes she weeps!) / oh, when she's feeling cold and we-ee-eeak" 

THE VERDICT I don't want to like this song. Really, I don't. I know in my heart that this one is really cheesy. Damn you, Warrant! Why can't I quit you? Seriously, their ability to make me utterly love songs I feel I should by all rights absolutely loathe tells me that Warrant are, quite possibly, musical geniuses. (Then again, "Cherry Pie" pretty much tells me this all on its own, so.) 

I feel like "Sometimes She Cries" is the forgotten Warrant power ballad. I mean "Heaven" is the one everyone knows, even if they aren't into metal. And "I Saw Red" is, while much less frequently heard, still a lot more well-known. What is it that people don't like about "Sometimes She Cries"? It's not quite as good as either of the other two songs, but it's still decent. So what's the problem here? 

I think it might be the content. This is a pretty unusual song for heavy metal, even for power ballads — it's a narrative song about a woman, but not about like, her sexy homicide record, or her secret sexy side, or really anything sexy. Nope, it's about a woman who's been unlucky in love, and encouraging her to stay strong. 

Fascinating (okay, to me) fact about this song: There seems to be very little agreement on what the lyrics exactly are. I have always heard the verses as starting with "and she." As in, "and she don't think, she's pretty no more." But I've found versions that claim it's a woman's name — Lisa seems to be the most popular option, followed by Mercy, then Marcy, then Melissa. Which is weird, 'cause Lisa? I don't hear that long e sound at all in there. 

Well, whatever her name is, the song — and this video — is mostly about her. Like the song, I feel like this video is really unconventional territory for a metal power ballad. I mean for one, it's winter. There's not snow, but people are dressed throughout the video (okay, with a notable exception, as we'll see) like it's cold out, and there are no leaves on the trees. Now the thing about winter is, it means no filmy, sheer garments, no bikinis, in general, very little bare skin. Thus, weird for a metal video.

 

The other thing that's extremely unusual about this video is it shows a family. Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa has a kid. This is not a part of the hot metal chick experience that generally gets portrayed in videos. Metal videos tend to focus more on, you know, where babies come from than they do on actual babies. I feel like this is probably another reason why this song is less popular. 

I mean, as I've discussed at length, there's a reason why power ballad videos always seem to demonstrate a compulsion to show that despite the fact that the band is singing a slow song now, in general they are still rocking. "Sometimes She Cries" I think tilts too far past that balance. It is hard to still see Warrant as really rocking in this one, unlike in say "Heaven," which has the obligatory slow-mo concert action footage. 

Anyway, the video. Well we first see Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa walking around on her property. Okay spoiler alert, one major reason I love this video (and always have) is because it clearly takes place in my homeland of Connecticut. 

Why do I say this? Many reasons, as we'll see. But indicator one for me is that Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa lives in an old saltbox colonial house that appears to have a huge amount of acreage, yet be set right next to the road. It also has a large barn set fairly close to the house. Hell-ooo, Connecticut. 

I should also mention that right off the bat we can see that Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa is an unconventional metal video heroine. For one, she has short hair. Now admittedly, it looks like she could have had a long-straight-hair-and-bangs haircut and just chopped it to be chin-length, but still. 

Normally the only short hair you see in metal videos is teased, sprayed, and accompanied by dramatic makeup. This woman is rocking zero hair product and very natural makeup, if any. She's also bundled up in a big jacket and a scarf. 

Most of the video alternates between shots of the Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa narrative and of the band playing the song in her barn. Yes, I know. Her narrative is in black and white, and the band are in color. 

At first we mostly see Jani Lane, sitting alone on a barrel. For some reason, possibly to try to prove they are still rockin', he is wearing a Rob Halford-esque leatherman outfit. Little leather hat with chains, sleeveless leather vest with no shirt under it, cowboy boots, the whole deal. It's already weird, but the thing that makes it weirder is that he's wearing just a vest even though it's so cold in there you can see their breath in some shots.

 

The rest of Warrant are arrayed about the barn. When we see Jani with them, he's standing and sort of dancing around, sans barrel. We mostly see Joey Allen and Erik Turner silhouetted in front of the barn door, and Jerry Dixon is barely in this video. He gets like a few hair tosses in and that's it. 

Drummer Steven Sweet is the most prominently displayed member of Warrant after Jani, but that's because he's in the background for a lot of the close-ups of Jani singing. Still, we can see him pretty well, and enjoy the fact that he makes these like kissy faces the whole time he drums. 

But the Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa plot takes up most of the video. We sort of see it out of order, with the more plot-advancing bits interspersed between a lot of shots of her moodily staring out at the frozen winter landscape. 

After her walking through the field, we see her sitting inside, staring pensively out the window while holding a toddler. Then we get a flashback to an earlier time — you can tell because the kid is now like an infant — and her husband packing up and leaving her. Why? We don't know. How she can afford to heat this gigantic old home in winter even though she doesn't seem to work, just walks around and stares at stuff? Even more of a mystery. 

Anyway, Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa stares out the window and watches him leave. Then we see her looking out the windows of the kitchen or dining room, peeking through venetian blinds to see if he's coming back. The table's set with lit candles and two place settings, but sorry sweetie, I think you're eating alone. Well, maybe one of the glasses of wine is for the baby. Okay, probably not. 

For the first chorus shots of Warrant rocking out are interspersed with close-ups of Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa making concerned faces and walking around with her baby. We then see her walking around her field by herself, making me wonder who's watching the baby. Did she leave the baby with Warrant? 

The next big plot bit we get shows Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa in bed with another man, who looks way rougher than her ultra-preppy husband. He's sneaking out in the middle of the night while she's asleep. She realizes he's gone and like rolls over and looks all moody. Seriously honey, are you that surprised? I mean you have a kid. Mr. One-Night-Stand is not about to step up to that plate. 

An amazing part of the video comes next as we finally see Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa in color. She walks to the window, and sees Warrant playing the song out in her barn. Like as she spots Jani, she turns from black and white to color. Even more amazing is the fact that even though it's nighttime, and she appears to live alone in like, a pretty remote rural area, she does not appear at all perturbed that her barn is infested with Warrant.

 

As the song sort of escalates, we see her husband looking vaguely perturbed and writing a letter, and then we see Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa reading the letter in a giant winter coat. It pleases her greatly, and we see a bunch of shots of her playing with her kid. Let's mention now that even though she does not appear to have aged a day, her kid now looks to be in nursery school. 

They play on a tire swing and roll around on the hard, frozen ground together. I should mention that this is what happens during the guitar solo. See what I meant above now? Nothing says "we rock" like a mom and her kid playing together. 

Next comes one of my favorite moments in this video, because for me it incontrovertibly proves my they-are-in-Connecticut hypothesis. Her husband calls her. Okay not only is he wearing an offensively preppy sweater — he is calling from a SNET payphone! SNET = Southern New England Telephone. This is the phone service we had when I was growing up. 

I remember watching this video at the time and being stoked about recognizing SNET in it. I know, so random, but whatever, it's usually pretty much impossible to figure out where videos were filmed, so I take what I can get and enjoy it. 

After a few pensive moments spent standing beside her now apparently Warrant-less barn, we see Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa hanging out clothes to dry on the line. This despite the fact that it is obviously hella cold out, and that her washing will freeze. (This is a moment in this video that even watching it back in the day always made no sense to me.) 

Adding to the confusion — her husband drives up, looking like he just arrived from a Ralph Lauren ad, and she is totally psyched to see him. I'm sorry Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa, did you forget how he abandoned you with an infant, and then it took him like four years to even write you a letter? 

The video ends with them hugging in the driveway, but maybe we can imagine like, a sequel where she bitches him out for that. 'Cause seriously, it's great the family's reunited and all, but there are clearly still some issues here. 

Ooh wait, how could I forget! The last last thing we see after their reunion is Warrant all walking away through her field together. I love this. Like they roosted in her barn playing this song until Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa and her husband got back together, and now their work is done so they can leave. It's so cheesy that it works.

P.S. from the future (it's 2020 now): After I posted this, I got an email from someone who was on the set of this video. It was shot in western Connecticut! This person said I think their dad knew or worked with the people whose house it was, and they were like "Hey, you're a teenager! A band is shooting a video here, that's pretty cool, right?" This person was not a Warrant fan, but was like okay I'll go, and years later found this post while trying to find info on the video. The other memory this correspondent shared with me was that the band was very low energy, and only talked to them to be like, "Hey, you're a teenager! You probably know where to get drugs around here, right?" Yeah, no drugs were obtained. 

Poison, "Every Rose Has Its Thorn"

Power Ballad Cliches, Part II  

THE VIDEO Poison, "Every Rose Has Its Thorn," Open Up and Say... Ahh!, 1988, Capitol 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Eaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyv-ry rose has its thawn / jest laaaaaahk eaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyv-ry naght / has its daw-aawww-awww-awwwn / jest laaahk eaaaayyyv-ry cow-ow-boy / sings his sad, say-ad sawng / eaaaaaaaaaaaaaavvvvv-ry rose has its thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwn" 

THE VERDICT Yeah baby! It's March again, so you know what that means! Wait, you don't know what that means? Allow me to refresh your memory! Once again, it's Power Ballad Month! For the entire month of March, we'll be focusing on one of hair metal's core components — the power ballad.

Kicking it off, it's Poison with "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." I picked this one for a lot of reasons. It's one of those songs everyone knows, and so you see it misattributed all over the place (Def Leppard? Guns N Roses!?!?). 

But for our purposes, its video boasts a bevy of power ballad video cliches. I went into this topic at length last year with the video that I argue originated a lot of these cliches, but "Every Rose" gives us a nice refresher on some of these. 

Lead Singer Has Lady Problems: I've made this argument at length elsewhere, but suffice to say that whenever it's a breakup song, suddenly the lead singer has a girlfriend. This signals to any ladies out there listening that hey, he's available. It also signals to the guys that he's not totally whipped, since I mean he is breaking up with her after all. 

"Every Rose" uses this just at the beginning of the video, and then never brings it up again. We see a truly glorious Bret Michaels asleep in bed with a woman who sort of looks like a more voluptuous version of Downtown Julie Brown. Okay, maybe it's just the fact that she appears to be sleeping in a sports bra and an incredibly high-waisted thong — seriously, it's like a Mom thong, if there is such a thing. I'm glad we've moved on from the time when underwear was cut that way.

 

Besides the thong, there's a lot of discomfort in the room. One, they've left a fire burning in the fireplace, which doesn't seem safe. Two, both have their eyes open and are shifting around a lot. Three, Bret is sleeping with a whole bunch of jewelry on — that is so uncomfortable! And if that stuff's cheap at all, he's gonna wind up with green stains on his wrists. 

Anyway, we just see this romantic interlude for the very beginning of the video. As soon as Bret gets out of bed (and just before we get to clearly see his teeny bikini briefs!) the shot fades out and we move on. Oh, also the song finally starts, since the whole beginning of the video is silent except for the rustling of the bed sheets and the crackling of the fire. 

Grainy Behind-the-Scenes Footage: Most of this video is shot in a sort of blue-tinted black and white, but we also see a lot of backstage footage that's in grainy black and white. I don't know what it is about showing some film grain that just screamed verite to metal video directors of the 80s, but they sure loved that stuff. Lots of C.C. DeVille and Rikki Rockett looking pensive. 

Footage of the Band Rocking Out: If this is your first introduction to this band, Poison don't want you to be confused by the fact that it's a power ballad. Similarly, if you forgot about "I Won't Forget You" and only listened to the other tracks on Look What the Cat Dragged In, Poison don't want you to abandon them, thinking they've somehow stopped rocking. As a reminder then, this video includes lots of live footage of the band playing songs that are obviously not this one. 

The part where Bret is screaming and windmilling his arms, with his eyes so bugged out he's a dead ringer for Jani Lane, gets used in a lot of Vh-1 montages. Also included are lots of shots of Rikki drumming super-intensely with his hair soaking wet with sweat. 

They also put in lots of slow-mo action shots. This has the advantage of demonstrating how hard the band is capable of rocking, while at the same time taking things down to a power ballad pace. Lots of the shots of Rikki are slow-mo, as is some stuff of Bobby smashing a guitar (or trying to anyway) and Bret jumping off some risers.

 

"It's Soo Hard On the Road!": Oh man, this video lets you know that as much as Poison's rocking, they really are leaving it all out on the stage, and are drained and broken men when the curtain falls. Seriously. 

There's no beer spraying and groupie groping in this video. Instead, we see a bunch of shots of Bret sitting around looking like his dog just died. We also see Bret getting his ankle taped, and Rikki having the same done to his fingers. Oh my god guys, they're killing themselves to entertain us! 

In case this isn't enough to convince us of the lonely, difficult life led by super-famous rock stars, we also see footage of an open highway through the tour bus' windshield, and the guys leaning their heads against the bus windows and staring listlessly into the distance. They pop off the bus and stretch, because being driven around in a tour bus is sooo hard. 

Perhaps the best of this though is the footage of Bobby Dall (who's barely in this video otherwise) crawling around on the stage, and being lifted to a semi-standing position by a roadie. It's unclear if Bobby's really that exhausted or if he's just pretty loaded, but either way it's clear rocking this hard isn't easy, kids. 

"We're Such Nice, Regular Guys!": Not all the backstage stuff is drama and sorrow. I mean, in this video most of it is, but we do still see a little bit of the fun-loving Poison we all know and love. Bret can't resist checking out the women hanging in the hallway backstage, or painting a white stripe down C.C.'s nose while he sleeps. See? Even though we're super-famous, we're still totally down to earth. Another name for this type of footage in power ballad videos is "We Would Totally Have a Beer With You."

Suddenly the Lead Singer Plays Guitar: Why is it that lead singers who never normally go near a guitar suddenly have chops when it comes to power ballads? I mean any other song, they're just the singers. Then the minute it slows down, it's like oh wait, I can do this too. 

A lot of this video we see Bret Michaels sitting on a stool in an otherwise empty space, playing an acoustic guitar with a blue rose painted on it. He's wearing wraparound sunglasses and a big black hat. 

I mean I get it — this is really Bret's song. But it's still kind of weird. At least for the solo, we see C.C. playing, so it's not like they try to convince us Bret suddenly became a guitar virtuoso. But still.

 

Ending on an Emotional Note: Though most of this video is live footage, we don't see many close-ups of fans. There are crowd shots, but all they demonstrate is that this is a quite-large arena. Toward the end though, we finally get close-ups — and it's a total of course shot for a power ballad video. Yup, it's a female fan, covered in sweat and her eyes shining with tears. An emotional experience for everyone! We also get the obligatory shot of the band members all putting their arms around each other and bowing to the crowd. 

I've heard this song about ten zillion times, and despite the fact that I don't care that much for the chorus (the enuncuation is too exaggerated for my taste, and it gets very repetitive and dirge-y), it's still a good one. 

I have heard Bret say before he wrote this song after calling some stripper he'd been dating while they were on tour for Look What the Cat Dragged In, and having a dude pick up the phone at her place. On the one hand, I guess it's an "aww" story, but on the other hand, come on, like this guy wasn't getting a ton of ass on the road? 

Still, this song has some truly great parts, mainly in the verses for me. The last bit, starting with "and now I hear you found somebody new / and that I never meant that much to you" gets me every time. Or maybe it's just that as Dave Chappelle and John Mayer point out, this song is really in the sweet spot of stuff white people like (or at least will dance to). 

They're just making the point that it has guitar in it, but if you really think about it, it fits. I mean it's metal, but it's also a very country song — listening to this, it's like duh Bret Michaels went on to do solo country stuff. 

Plus it doesn't have the hard edges that a song like "I Remember You" has, with the screamy vocals, making it an ideal gateway drug for people who never thought they'd listen to a metal song. If this is you, now go listen to the rest of Open Up and Say... Ahh!.

P.S. from 2020: Looking at some of my old notes for this site, I had gotten my hands on a VHS copy of Rock Video Girls 2, which includes the thong girl from the beginning of this video (that link goes to a photo of the back of the tape, you can see her really clearly). Her name is Monique Biffignani, and her only other credit is some Playboy lingerie thing. 

In RVG2, she says she left Oregon to go to LA when she was 13 or 14, and her big break was Mötley Crüe's "Girls, Girls, Girls" (and yes, you can totally see her in that post — she's the brunette wearing red, satiny undergarments with a sheer white top over them). 

Monique said she heard from a girlfriend that they were looking for dancers for a video, and to go down and "look as hot as you can." She lied and said she had experience as a dancer, and was cast in the video. That also got her cast in this video — she says the Crüe had met Poison through a photographer, and she got recommended.

Her other uncredited appearances include videos for Tone Loc, Young MC, and Bon Jovi. I still haven't figured out which Bon Jovi video she's in, though she mentions it was shot in the desert and that JBJ was "really nice" and "very involved" in making the video, though she didn't get to talk to him much. 

(And yes, I also own Rock Video Girls 3, but the only VCR I could find died before I had the chance to watch it!)

Bon Jovi, "Always"

I Love the 90s  

THE VIDEO Bon Jovi, "Always," Cross Road, 1994, Mercury 

SAMPLE LYRIC "And I will love you / bay-ay-bayyy-ayyy, ah-all-ways / I'll be there forever and a day-ay / ah-all-ways" 

THE VERDICT I know I don't usually do videos from this late in the game. But don't you ever just think to yourself, hey, I'd like to talk about a video that's extra-long, extra-soap-opera-y, and stars multiple 90s "stars"? Well, that's what I said to myself, so I guess you all have to deal with it. And get ready, people, 'cause this is gonna be a long one. 

Let's get something out of the way first. "Always" is a very uneven song. Some parts of it are great (the "I made mistakes, I'm just a man" verse and the pre-chorus after it, par example). Other parts of it are brutal (the actual chorus, the freakin' strings). 

I have a pretty high tolerance for maudlin Bon Jovi, but this song pushes the limits. It's really wordy and a bit sludgy in places. A lot of it feels like the zillionth chorus of "I'll Be There for You", the one where they sing it a bit higher, and you're kind of just like, "Damn, they're still going?" 

Also, just for the record, what do I consider to be fully over the limit? "Bed of Roses." So see, even I have a TMBJ limit (Too Much Bon Jovi). I guess technically though I should also mention that I consider everything from this album on to fall into that category too — I can not abide "It's My Life" or especially (shudder) "Have a Nice Day." 

But anyway. This song was apparently originally written for the soundtrack of the 1993 film Romeo Is Bleeding, which explains the weirdo beginning ("this Romeo is bleeding / but you can't see his blood"). JBJ bailed on putting it in the movie, but he was later convinced to dig it up for their greatest hits anthology. I'm glad he did, because you guys, this video is ahmazing!! 

I'm too excited to talk about them as they appear, so let's just lay out now the stars of this video. Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora? Hah, I think not. No. This video stars Jack Noseworthy, aka star of MTV's utterly forgotten Dead at 21 and the villain from The Brady Bunch Movie. 

Full disclosure: I thought Jack was soooo hot at the time. I mean so hot. Face facts, I love guys with big, pouty lips. Apparently always have. And I watched the bejeezus out of Dead at 21, which was a bizarre attempt at a scripted action-drama by MTV — Jack had been implanted with some science-y thing as a baby, and he just found out about this, and has to foil it with the help of some woman who looks like Duff (not from Guns N Roses, I mean then-VJ Karen Duffy) so he won't die. I remember finding it really exciting, but being disappointed by the ending.

 

Here, I think he's been cast due to his passing resemblance to Jon Bon Jovi. Longish blondish hair? Check. Pouty lips? Check. Killer cheekbones? Check. All they needed to do was slap some temporary tattoos on him (Superman logo and cow skull with some feathers) to make the transposition complete. In any event, villain-from-The-Brady-Bunch-Movie is too long of a name, so we will call him Noseworthy. 

Noseworthy's girlfriend is played by Carla Gugino, who has been in just a huge amount of stuff. I didn't recognize her from anything in particular, but she's been in lots of TV, including long stints on Spin City, Chicago Hope, and Entourage, as well as all the Spy Kids movies. But what has she been in that I've seen? Um... uh... well... Son-In-Law. We will call her Son-In-Law. 

Son-In-Law has a roommate/friend staying with her or something like that (more on that when we get to the plot) played by Keri Russell, aka Felicity. Um yeah, we're going to call her Felicity. 

Last, we've got possibly the most far-fetched character in an already quite far-fetched video, the artist. And he is played by (drumroll, please!)... Colin from 90210!! I know, I know — in this video he still has his longish hair as he does when he plays (drumroll, please!) Skippy in Kicking and Screaming! 

But whatever people. It's Colin from 90210. I hope I need not have to say more, and that you understand how awesome this is. We will call him Colin from 90210 (oh by the way, this actor's name is Jason Wiles). 

The video begins all verite, with no music, just a street scene that looks like it's in Mexico but based on the rest of the video I'm going to say is in some magical hybrid of Mexico, Los Angeles, and who knows, possibly New York. We'll call it New Los Mexico. 

Anyway, the camera pans up from the street, through a wall, and into an apartment, which is when the music actually starts. Noseworthy is sitting there shirtless (yeah baby!) looking at a picture of Son-In-Law. He reminisces via a flashback about the good times they had when he took that photo, making out and driving recklessly. Aww, they almost ran that Jeep Cherokee off the road! Young love. Sigh!

 

We also start seeing Bon Jovi. They're playing in a weird empty-ish warehouse space, and they look all 90s. You know, shoulder-length hair. Jon is seen mostly in extreme close-up, while everyone else is far away and poorly lit. They appear to have all picked out their wardrobes together, settling on black tees and choker necklaces with big silver crosses and such hanging from them. Real creative, guys. 

Now Noseworthy and Son-In-Law are back at her place. It looks like every chick's apartment in every 90s movie ever — gauzy patterned curtains, elaborately unkempt-on-purpose bed, vanity table covered with photos and crap. Noseworthy is filming her with a camcorder, and of course, since it's a 90s video, Son-In-Law takes this as her cue to perform an impromptu exotic dance routine. 

I should also mention that this woman does not seem to know the difference between a slip-dress and an actual slip. Who says that's a dress? "Calvin Klein!" Anyway, Noseworthy can't resist, so he goes for her, leaving the camera on. 

With the first chorus, we already get to one of the most amazing parts of this video — Noseworthy and Son-In-Law go to a rave. Okay, maybe it's just supposed to be a club, but it's so ginormous it appears to be in a freakin' airplane hangar, so we're going with rave (there's also further rave evidence later). There are women swinging from ropes of flowers, and many of the partygoers appear to be male extras who have been instructed to more or less stand around and gape at Noseworthy and Son-In-Law. 

I can't blame them. These two have both twisted their hair into impromptu dreadlocks. Son-In-Law is wearing some crazy sheer thing, and Noseworthy has on a choker necklace and a shiny jacket. They keep wriggling around on each other, and at one point he pours champagne into her mouth. Allow me to also mention the part where suddenly it's a foam party. 

All their frantic making out is a weird counterpoint to JBJ singing really, really slowly. Noseworthy and Son-In-Law stumble back into her apartment wearing enormous novelty hats — boom! See? I told you it was a rave. Noseworthy is wearing a Mad Hatter type thing, and Son-In-Law has on a like three-foot-high furry Cat-in-the-Hat hat. 

She gestures to him to be quiet — Felicity is asleep on the couch! Why? Who knows. I mean, Felicity's wearing a t-shirt and jeans. So is she Son-In-Law's roommate? And she just fell asleep on the couch? I know this seems obvious now, but trust me, later this will be called into question.

 

Anyway, Felicity decides to turn on the TV since she's awake, and what, what, what?!? Apparently Noseworthy's camcorder is hooked up to the TV in the living room, 'cause Noseworthy and Son-in-Law are getting it on in living color. Felicity appears more amused than repulsed by this, because, you know, it's a metal video. If this weren't a metal video, it'd be either a) a roommate horror story or b) prn, I guess. 

The next morning, Noseworthy and Son-In-Law leave, and Son-In-Law kisses Felicity on the cheek all "See you later!" But then as they're leaving, Noseworthy looks back at her and winks, all "See you later." What is up with that wink!? "Yeah I know you saw us getting it on last night"? "I think you liked it"? "I left the camera hooked up on purpose 'cause Son-In-Law is turned on when I casually exploit her"? Who knows. 

Anyway, there's a jump in time with the beginning of the second verse, which is the strongest of the song in my book. Noseworthy and Felicity are sitting around, and she's wearing a low-cut top and throwing him the bone eye. It takes him a long moment to realize what's up, but once he does, Noseworthy acts fast. 

After a while of watching Bon Jovi sing, we see Son-In-Law come home carrying two bags of groceries. She looks around the apartment but no one's there. We then see that the TV's on (um, why?) and of course, the camcorder's also been left on (here's why). 

We see Son-In-Law's bedroom, where Noseworthy's lying on the bed. Felicity walks in with no shirt on (just the ubiquitous-in-the-90s Victoria's Secret Second Skin Satin bra), and Son-In-Law rips off her sunglasses all shocked as she watches it all on the TV. 

Noseworthy pulls Felicity to him by her mom jeans, and as they start going at it Son-In-Law runs into the room and throws a sack of groceries at them. I kind of love that she does that — it's like turning a hose on some dogs or something.

 

Felicity rolls around on the bed while Noseworthy watches Son-In-Law run away down what suddenly appears to be a suburban street. But before we get too far, see, this is what I was talking about before. If Felicity is Son-In-Law's roommate, why the hell were they hooking up in Son-In-Law's bedroom?!? Either a) dang, this really is a roommate horror story, just not the way we thought or b) Felicity is still in the wrong, but she's just a guest. 

Son-In-Law trudges through the back alleys of wherever-the-hell-this-is-supposed-to-be, ditching her obligatory it's-the-90s Steve Madden chunky black heels and sitting artfully on a random doorstep in a suddenly-very-urban-looking area (think NYC SoHo). The way she's put up her hair and draped that scarf around herself, it looks like she's about to start doing some ballet. 

But Son-In-Law is in luck — who should happen upon her but Colin from 90210! He offers her his coat and brings her up to his preposterously gigantic loft. I know everyone on TV has apartments that are way, way bigger than people can afford in real life, but his apartment is huge. 

Between the giant crappy paintings everywhere and his black mock turtleneck, we quickly learn that Colin from 90210 is an artist. Son-In-Law is way impressed by this. She's quickly seduced as he pours her champagne in seriously the ugliest champagne flutes imaginable. They look like they came from either Big Lots or the SkyMall. 

As per the inevitable, during the guitar solo Colin from 90210 paints Son-In-Law. And as per the even more inevitable, he takes off his shirt to do this, prompting her to likewise reveal herself. As the sort of second bridge begins, Son-In-Law wakes up alone in Colin from 90210's absolutely ridiculous Star Trek bed. 

Where has he gone? I don't know, but I really, really hope it involves... Ding! A low-speed chase. Ding! Getting Kelly Taylor back into drugs. Ding! Erin Silver nearly drowning in a bathtub. Oh snap, I bet he is at the Peach Pit. Ding! Peach Pit After Dark. (Anyone who simultaneously got the Beverly Hills, 90210 references there as well as the Kicking and Screaming reference wins at life.) 

Son-In-Law goes and looks at her painting. Aww, he painted her as Alice Cooper! For some reason, this prompts her to call Noseworthy. He comes right over and they begin making out immediamente. 

She starts to show him all the weird crap in Colin from 90210's loft, and he quickly finds the painting. I guess he can tell she's topless in it even though it's pretty — well, to be generous we'll say it's pretty abstract. 

In any event, Noseworthy goes ballistic. He topples over what appears to be a shopping cart full of art supplies, then throws a speaker while Son-In-Law tries to hold him back.

 

But nothing can hold Noseworthy back from his final act of destruction — yup, the ugly painting. He stabs the painting repeatedly while Son-In-Law looks on in tears. Once done, he's all smiles, but Son-In-Law just looks at him all teary and does an awesome "talk to the hand." 

Now for the most improbable part of the video. And I mean more improbable than all these women letting Jack Noseworthy videotape their sexcapades, more improbable than Colin from 90210 owning that giant apartment, more improbable than Son-In-Law appearing to walk from a favela to the L.A. suburbs to Manhattan. Even more improbable than the fact that it's suddenly night again. 

Noseworthy blows up Colin from 90210's loft. Yup. I know. Okay, we don't see him do it, but we do see flames explode out of its windows, and then we see Noseworthy walk out of the building past the firefighters like it's all NBD. 

He passes Colin from 90210, who's on his way home and probably wondering WTF happened, and they give each other a long, hard look that says a lot without actual words. But if there were words, they would be... Colin from 90210: "I banged Son-In-Law, and I painted her naked." Noseworthy: "I blew up your apartment. And besides, I still have hours of our sex tapes." 

The video concludes back in Noseworthy's apartment. He's still staring at that photo of Son-In-Law when suddenly he sees her, dressed just as she was that day in a slip dress (that for once actually is a slip dress) and a floppy hat. 

He walks up to her, but you can already tell from how totally artificial and green his computer-generated shadow is that she's not really there. She dissolves when he reaches out to touch her though, in case you didn't get the idea already. 

Morals of this story? Don't let Felicity sleep on your couch. Don't paint strange women you meet on the street lest your Star Trek bed and all your crappy paintings wind up in flames. Don't go to raves, they are hella lame. Or really, the most obvious lesson, and yet one celebrities seem to forget all the time — sex tapes are always a bad idea. Ah-all-ways! (Sing it!)