Y&T, "Contagious"

It's Prom Season!  

THE VIDEO Y&T, "Contagious," Contagious, 1987, David Geffen Company SAMPLE LYRIC "(Ohhhh, ohhhh-ohhhh, ohhhhh, ohhhh) / Ooh, is gettin' dangerous, it's con-tayyyy-jus!" [Repeat repeatedly] 

THE VERDICT Now I know for people who are serious about their Y&T, Contagious is more or less the band's death rattle. But for people like me who are decidedly unserious, well — get ready for a shocker — I freakin' love this song. 

I know, right? Me? Y&T? Who'da thunk it? 

But apparently while a slick production, soaring vocals, and chanting don't work for Y&T diehards, for me it can't work better. I listen to this song all the time — it's a staple in all my workout mixes. I don't think they sound like Bon Jovi wannabes (Bon-nabes?) at all — I just think they sound hella good. 

And the video! Oh the video. This is truly Y&T at their finest. It's like they've taken all the elements of their previous videos — young protagonists, bad 80s movie feel, Airplane-esque sight gags, transformations, and so on — and melded them into one ultra, mega, mecha Y&T video. 

They really outdo themselves on this one, folks. And I love it. (I think for this whole post, just imagine me talking to you as if I were Will Ferrell doing James Lipton.) 

The video kicks off with a random kid riding a skateboard down the sidewalk, and then a shot of a slick-looking 80s guy in a tux cruising in a convertible (he's basically the James Spader of this video). The skateboarding kid (who's wearing a Y&T tee, btw) gives the convertible dude two thumbs up. As the guy stops in front of a little bungalow-style house, the non-Meniketti members of Y&T pop up for the first round of "Hey!"s. 

We then see James Spader's date — an attractive 80s blonde in a white strapless dress. You know the type — pearl necklace, french twist, hot in a bitchy way. Yes, she's more or less the Jessica Wakefield of this video.

The guys in Y&T smile and step away from the camera as she leaves her house. As Jessica leaves the frame, we get our first glimpse of the video's protagonist — a classic 80s movie nerd in a striped suit and heavy-framed, thick glasses.

 

Hmm, what should we call him... So many options for 80s movie nerds, from Revenge of the Nerds to Weird Science to... oh my gosh, you know what movie I watched the other day 'cause it was on Netflix Watch Instantly? Zapped, with Scott Baio. I forgot how amazingly weird that one is. It's sort of like a really non-scary horror movie that's kind of a comedy. 

Also, I think since previously I'd always watched it on the USA Network (always such a good source of bad teen movies during the daytime when you were on school breaks) I hadn't realized how much toplessness there is in it. Dude, there's a freakin' ton. 

All right, this nerd here is reminding me of Scott Baio, because he's got that "I'm not really a nerd, I am just being made to act and dress this way" vibe, so I'm inclined to call him Chachi. But I think that's too confusing, so let's just go with Screech. 

Screech swoons seeing Jessica all dolled up. Meanwhile, Y&T are lurking nearby, plotting something. We see Jessica leaving from what I assume is her house, while Screech (with his pants pulled up well past the navel) is leaving from a house next door labeled "Alpha Chapter Chess Club." Whatever Y&T, we get it, he's a nerd. No need to over-establish things here. 

Jessica hops into James Spader's car, and Screech (standing next to an old-school bicycle) waves enthusiastically at her from beside his porch. Jessica and Spader exchange a look, and she rolls her eyes. Screech becomes embarrassed, and the power couple drives off. This makes 3/4 of Y&T, who appear to have been hiding in the bushes the whole time, totally crack up. 

Screech takes off on his bike, but he's quickly stopped by Dave Meniketti himself grabbing his handlebars and singing in his face. They pull Screech off his bike (which one member of Y&T helpfully rolls out of the way), and at last, we've got all four guys in Y&T. 

Two drive up in a powder blue convertible (license plate 'SLICKER') while the other two toss Screech into the car. They drive off, with both guys in the front seat turning all the way around to continue singing at Screech, who's jammed in the middle of the backseat. Screech looks like he's gonna puke as they push and pull him while singing straight into his face. 

Oh, get ready for a Y&T silly visual gag — they drive past a bungalow house with a couple standing in front of it looking like Grant Wood's "American Gothic" (weirdly, this is so not the only metal video with an "American Gothic" reference). As the Y&T car rolls by, we see a flash of pink and green light, and then suddenly the farm couple have wild blown-out hair and sunglasses on, as if they were in an old Maxell ad. This makes Y&T crack up, but appears to terrify Screech. Y&T are supernatural!

 

And suddenly, we're at the prom. We get all these little random establishing shots which are great. Spader helps Jessica out of his car. A seriously MC Hammer-looking dude (he's got that weird tiny ponytail!) gets out of a Jeep Wrangler, while another couple walks by. 

Y&T pull up in front of a large banner that reads (in multi-colored block letters) "Warren G Harding Summer School Registration June 6th." They appear to be grabbing at something outside the car as they pull in. Then we see a random kid in a tux spraypainting the side of a dumpster, adding his tag before casually tossing the spraycan in the dumpster and being joined by his date. Seriously, can I watch this movie? 

Y&T hop out of their car, leaving a confused Screech behind. He fumbles his way out of the car, and the camera follows a couple's feet as they enter the school. They begin to climb stairs, while the camera goes under them, joining a dice game. Y&T join, and after Dave Meniketti rolls the dice, he then waves his hand again. A flash of light appears, and suddenly there are like two dozen dice, all sixes. 

The dudes who they seriously appear to have dressed as Run-DMC circa "My Adidas" appear nonplussed, while again Screech seems absolutely freaked out by Y&T's magic. (I'd also be remiss if I didn't mention that the dice players also include a white guy dressed as Ad-Rock in "(You Gotta) Fight for Your Right (To Party)", down to the red Stuyvesant t-shirt.)

Y&T bust into the prom, again pared down to a trio— what, did the director only let their drummer be in shots where he was sitting behind something? (The car, drumkit, etc.) That's cold. Oh no wait, there's four. Dang, did they get rid of their old drummer? (Again, this is how you know I'm no Y&T superfan.) 

They all sing enthusiastically. There's a dorky band playing onstage ("Yellow Tangerine," according to their bass drum) beneath a banner with what I assume is the prom's theme, "I did it my way." This repulses Y&T, and with an explosion of red light, they replace the band (and their banner and balloons, which gets switched to a Y&T banner). Y&T immediately commence rocking. 

Also yeah, this is totally a different drummer. I honestly hope that guy left the band for real, and they didn't just ditch the chubby guy they formerly had for this video (though if they had, it'd fit with the ethos of this video).

 

We see a couple of nerdy-ish guys enjoying the music, one dribbling a basketball. We also see a table of people watching, including I swear to god a guy who looks like their old drummer, who is holding a skateboard. I also enjoy the "surfer couple" — a blonde girl in a bikini top, sarong, and pukka shell necklace, and a blonde guy in just a white blazer (no shirt) and a similar necklace. Seriously, they could've stepped right out of "Party All Night." 

We can see balloons and streamers behind them, as well as a poster that says "Harding High School congratulates Dwayne Poindexter." Okay, I'm assuming that's Screech, but we can't see what he's being congratulated for. 

Ohh the next bit is classic Y&T video. We get a juxtaposition of first a quartet of nerdy, school-marmish women drinking from tea cups, and then a quartet of exaggerated biker types spiking the punch, with one woman taking a bite out of her cup and then spitting it out. 

We also see a couple of dudes in trench coats, hats, and sunglasses watching from the side — I'm not even sure what this is supposed to be. A new variety of nerd? Narcs? Principal? No idea. 

Jessica and James Spader walk through the room, and Screech tries to stop them. Spader soldiers on, but Jessica actually slows momentarily. Screech looks mortified and slinks away. We see many shots of Y&T chanting and rocking out, then another very Y&T gag — students dropping guns on a table in front of a man and a woman. At first it's hard to see, but there's a chalkboard to their right that says "Check your weapons here." 

There's also another congratulations sign behind the man at the table, but again, it's been placed too low to read what it's for. I don't know why they'd go to the trouble to make those signs and place them in the shots just to have them be obscured! 

The camera zooming into Meniketti's mouth tells us it is, indeed, "time to get wiiiiild." All the students at the prom jump up from their tables at once and begin enthusiastically dancing right in front of the stage (this shot was a bad idea — it's wide angle, and lets us see just how few people are actually there). I should also mention all Y&T's amps say "Y&T" on them. Not Marshall, not even Peavey. Just generic — oh, I mean, Y&T. Sure.

 

Screech makes a grab for Meniketti's guitar, and Dave waggles a "tsk-tsk" finger at him. He then points right at Screech. Screech spins around and slowly points at himself, and then poof! In a blast of gold light, he becomes transformed into an 80s movie hottie in a white tuxedo. He even winks right at us! 

Yes friends, Screech has become Zack Morris. Jessica is of course terribly impressed by this, while her date James Spader is much less so. Zack looks over at her all "How you doin'?" She seems amazed by this and hurries to his side. 

Zack then points again, and with a flash of green light turns Spader (or at least his head) into a cheap rubber mask monster. Meantime, Y&T are rocking hard, and Jessica is all over Zack. With the final round of "Hey!"s, Y&T take it over the top, while Jessica and Zack turn to us all slick in dark sunglasses. 

The moral of this video? Don't be yourself. Sure, they've got a lot of wacky Y&T stuff here, but come on — no robot?! This video has everything but the robot!! 

And weirdly, I feel like for me at least, this is the moral of this song — don't be yourself. Y&T stray from their straight-ahead rock roots and Def Lep it up, and I love it! 

This is, of course though, a really treacherous message. In both cases, you're giving up the affections of those who truly loved you for those of a hot, shallow girl who was previously only interested in making fun of you. It works in the short term, but as Y&T quickly found out, not in the long term. 

Honestly you guys, this video is like a vaguely supernatural version of Can't Buy Me Love wherein no one learns a valuable lesson about learning to be yourself, or even just about not whoring yourself out just to replace your mom's dress you accidentally spilled wine on. 

Quiet Riot, "Party All Night"

I Hope No Bad People Show Up  

THE VIDEO Quiet Riot, "Party All Night," Condition Critical, 1984, Pasha 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Let's party all night, oh-oh! / let's party all night, oh-oh-oh!" [Repeat ad nauseam]

THE VERDICT This December, I've decided to get a jump on the holidays — no, I'm not going to do a month of Christmas videos. As I discussed last year, there aren't really any metal Christmas videos that are actually from the 80s, and I'm just not going to deal with a bunch of not-so-great covers. 

So sorry — this is the probably the one place you can turn to right now where you will not be accosted with holiday spirit. Instead, my gift to you this month is a treasure trove of some of the forgotten... mm, I'm not sure if we can call them gems. Let's just call them the metal songs you forgot. Quite possibly, some of these were so buried that you might not even have been aware of them at the time. 

If this were a hip-hop site, I'd call this digging in the crates month. But since this is a metal site... hmm. Digging in the vault? The videos that time forgot? I'm not sure. 

Anyway, on to this week's video! I've decided to kick things off with a Quiet Riot video for a song that's not especially well known. Believe it or not, Quiet Riot do have songs that aren't Slade songs! Besides "Bang Your Head (Metal Health)" even. 

"Party All Night" works on more than one level for this month's theme, as it feels like a song that was made for a movie that never existed, and the video likewise feels like part of a movie that never existed! In fact, this video is almost Y&T-like in its long-lost 80s movie that never actually existed-ness, and yet at the same time, not at all like a Y&T video in that there are no transformations. 

I mean yeah, there's no robot, but more to the point, no one gets a makeover, even temporarily, which as we'll see in a minute is kind of surprising.

 

The video starts with an older man in a tuxedo admiring himself in a mirror. In his reflection, we can see his wife from the back. As crickets chirp, she says, "Are you sure you'll be all right, dear? You know we hate leaving you home alone." 

We then see the mom from behind — she's in a fairly awesome 60s-looking cocktail dress (like something Samantha would have worn on Bewitched) and her hair is up in a twist. She's talking to her daughter, who sits on the floor in their large living room, which is decorated almost entirely in whites and pastels. The daughter says, in a squeaky voice, "Don't worry, mom, everything'll be okay. I'm a big girl now." As if to emphasize this point, she pouts and attempts to close her cardigan over her prodigious bust. 

They have dressed this woman up as a nerd in Sally Jesse Raphael glasses, a ponytail, a high-waisted full skirt, and a cardigan with one of those little chains holding it closed, but trust. This woman is not an actual nerd. She is exactly the type of gal who is always in heavy metal videos. 

And yet — spoiler alert! — not once in this video does she toss aside her glasses, take down her hair, and/or rip off her clothes to reveal some kind of leather bustier. Given that in any other metal video — including a Y&T one! — that 100% would have happened, I have no idea what's happened here. I mean why not just cast an actually nerdy-looking girl? Go figure. 

Anyway, her mom is all, "Well, now take care dear, look after the house, and don't make a mess." Remember how I said the whole living room was done in whites and pastels? White wall-to-wall carpeting. Remember that later. 

The girl replies, "everything'll be fine, mom, don't worry." Her mom abruptly says "bye" and turns to leave with the dad, who says "bye-bye!" and leaves. The girl cranes her neck to watch them leave, and then we get an exterior shot of the house to confirm yes, they are on their way out. (This video trusts us to make not even the smallest mental leap on our own.) 

Then we're back inside. The girl runs to the window and says "Goody!" then runs to the door. Outside, we see three more nerds — two guys and a girl — pop up from behind the hedges out front. She lets them in the front door and they all shriek hellos to each other.

 

They all run to sit down at the coffee table. The main girl says, "I'll get rid of my homework, ew, yuck!", moving some books aside to the couch. One of the boys pulls out some board games and says "Which one do you want to play first?" The girl yells "Oh boy!" 

Okay can I mention another weird thing. So one of the nerds — the main one who gets all the dialogue and is featured most prominently — appears actually nerdy. Skinny, balding, nervous-looking guy. 

The other one though has a thick head of hair, a square jaw, and a tan — he's the male equivalent of the main girl. I mean he's like basically the 'after' from a Y&T video dressed as the 'before.' Did they plan some whole other plot for this video and then bag it? It makes no sense. Both the guys are dressed basically the same, in button-down shirts and big geeky glasses. 

Anyway. The real nerd says, "Hey, I have an idea," and the main girl excitedly replies, "What?" He replies, "Let's have a real party — let's send out for pizza!" "PIZZA! Great!" cries the main girl, looking sort of like a Fast Times-era Jennifer Jason Leigh on speed. As he dials, she changes her tune a bit, complaining, "but don't get any anchovies, okay? I don't like 'em. Or mushrooms." 

We finally hear some Quiet Riot, but it's "Bang Your Head (Metal Health)" being played over the radio at Sandy's Cafe, which appears to be a drive-in (it's surrounded by cars and motorcycles) but apparently also offers pizza delivery. Sure, whatever.

An old guy picks up the phone and says, "Sandy's Cafe. You're having a party? Okay." A grizzled biker dude with giant hair and a punk with a mohawk stand at the order window listening in. The camera then pans over to some punk-ish looking people sitting on another part of the counter. 

We hear the nerd over the phone saying, "and we want a pizza. No anchovies. Medium. With tunafish and meatballs!" As he makes this last disgusting statement, we briefly see the nerd talking on the phone before going back to the guy at the pizza window, who says, "Okay. 424 Mayflower. It'll be there soon!"

 

As soon as he hangs up, we hear a cry of "PARTY!", and the punk rocker and the biker run off, as do the other people sitting on the counter, and the song actually finally starts. 

Given the party call to arms, the entire customer base of Sandy's Cafe mobilizes, and given that this video trusts us not at all, we get establishing shots to take us through every single part of it. We see people on the phone. We see people dialing phones. There is a long sequence not just of people getting into cars, but of people getting into cars, turning the key in the ignition, headlights coming on, and the wheels starting to turn. Hell, they could have showed us just the two guys running off and I think I would have gotten the idea! 

While the unsuspecting nerds are playing Trivial Pursuit, a whole menagerie of 80s stereotypes are parking cars on their lawn and making their way to the door. We've got surfers (complete with zinc oxide on their noses), punk rockers with elaborate mohawks, heavy metal chicks in the aforementioned leather bustiers, fat hairy bikers, women wearing bikinis for no reason — you want it, this video's got it. Was David Lee Roth directing? 

The main girl goes to answer the door — suspecting the pizza delivery, natch — and, as per every teen party movie ever, is pushed aside by the incoming onslaught of uninvited house guests. They all begin dancing around the living room immediately in spite of the fact that there is no indication that there is music on or that they have brought music with them (though they did bring a keg). 

Quiet Riot roll up once the party is pretty full. The nerds are hugging each other and trying desperately to keep control while the band sets up at one side of the living room. It's not 'til nearly three minutes into the video that we actually see the band playing music at all. The music horrifies the nerds, though everyone else seems to be into it. 

We see a woman's hand changing the TV channel knob — wow, remember doing that? Actually going up to the television to change the channel? — and she puts on, what else, a Quiet Riot video. We cut back and forth between Carlos Cavazo performing the solo in the living room and him doing it on TV. 

For their part, the people at the party seem to be much more interested in seeing it on TV. They keep turning up the TV volume, and a bunch of the metal women appear to be playing pattycake in front of the screen (you know, pattycake, pattycake, baker's man). Eventually, Carlos comes over and smashes the neck of his guitar through the TV screen.

 

The main nerdy girl fails at trying to offer her guests hors d'oeuvres (this is the point where in most teen movies, she'd give up and begin drinking heavily). This begins a long sequence of destruction. Everything these people have that can get smashed, thrown, and/or spilled does so. 

Extra sketchy bikers show up, and a motorcycle gets driven in slow-mo through the picture window. The keg gets thrown through the coffee table, the main biker guy passes out, and we keep seeing an outlet overloaded with plugs give off sparks. Things are not looking good. 

Then suddenly, the camera pulls back from Kevin DuBrow, and we realize his image is actually on TV. As it pulls back further, we see its on the nerds' TV, and they are all sitting on the couch in the unharmed living room watching it. The girl runs to answer the doorbell, and oh goody! The pizza's here! Tunafish and meatballs for everyone! 

But then the pizza delivery guy turns around and — surprise! — he's wearing the Quiet Riot metal health guy mask. OMG! Was it all a dream? Or was it just something they saw on TV? 

And wait — were they watching "(You Gotta) Fight for Your Right (to Party)"? Because that is literally almost the exact same video. Hmm, except this one came out three years earlier. 

If it weren't that both of them are borrowing from tropes used in, I don't know, about a zillion cheesy teen movies, I think the Beastie Boys could've had a lawsuit from Quiet Riot on their hands. (Imagine that trial!) 

So long story short, possibly Ad-Rock was watching Quiet Riot videos. Either way, I've got Quiet Riot's back — I stole the title for this post from the Beastie Boys' video.

Y&T, "Summertime Girls"

And Don't Call Us Shirley!

THE VIDEO Y&T, "Summertime Girls," Down for the Count, 1985, Majestic Rock

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Summertime gir-irllllls / you may my whole world go 'rrrround / summertime gir-irllllls / when you lift me up, I never come downnn"

THE VERDICT Oh, Y&T. Allmusic claims this is a self-conscious parody of "California Girls," but my analysis implies it's not. Best case scenario, it's an homage to Kentucky Fried comedies like Airplane! and The Naked Gun. It's actually got a similar sense of humor. Were it not for the utter cheesiness (particularly the atrocious costume choices made by the band) and the fact that musically, this is no "California Girls", this might actually be halfway decent. Alas, it's Y&T.

I mean this is the same band that has named their album "Down for the Count," implying they're in not such a good place. But then they've taken it even further, with ridiculous album art that depicts a swooning female robot about to get down with The Count -- oh and I'm capitalizing that for a reason, because it shows Count Dracula. I mean really Y&T. Really.

But okay, the video. The video opens with a homeless person walking along a garbage-strewn sidewalk. He taps at another bum, then continues on to examine a garbage bin beside a large sign that informs us this is Venice Beach. It also -- in just the first Zucker-like moment -- informs us the beach prohibits smoking, drinking, loitering, or accordion solos. As the bum goes through the trash, it begins to shake, and then bam, next thing you know, the bum has uncovered the drummer from Y&T (or as I shamelessly refer to him, the fat one).

Where else can we find Y&T? Well, we get a wipe that looks like a page turning (or the screen peeling back), and then we see the lead singer and bassist crawl out from under a rock that has been spraypainted "Y&T." Yes, because nothing makes the kids think you're cool and contemporary like literally crawling out from under a rock.

We get a wipe traveling up the screen, then we see a dude with what is labeled a "heavy metal detector." He makes a shocked face, then discovers he has uncovered the guitarist from Y&T, who shakes him off and walks away to meet up with the rest of the band. They are all wearing ridiculous beach clothes (short-shorts on three out of four), but the lead singer gets special mention for wearing a cropped, belly-baring tee shirt that says "Turbo Made in Italy" and having the bottom layers of his hair braided and beaded. Whoever advised him on this should have been fired.



They all lip synch the first line of the song, then dramatically act out the lyrics, scanning the beach for girls walking by. They are quickly rewarded with a giant posse of women barreling down the boardwalk. Of particular note is the girl in striped bikini and Wham!-esque "Choose Me" tee, who is all over this video and has clearly been designated as the "hot extra," similar to the blond in the white dress in "In and Out of Love."

Y&T keep singing and making goofy faces, then we see a lifeguard carrying a woman in a mermaid costume. I say a "woman in a mermaid costume" and not a mermaid because, come on, the fish tail part is too big for her! You can clearly see it hanging off her waist. They're followed by a woman dressed as Carmen Miranda, with a big fruit basket on her head; a Hare Krishna (clearly Airplane! inspired), and a nerdy couple dressed as tourists. Y&T always poke fun at nerds in their videos, which seems a little, well, um... let's just say it's never a good idea to alienate your core demographic.

All these folks file past Y&T, but the boys save their most eye-popping faces for the quartet of women rolling up the boardwalk last. They are all dressed in sort of sexy biker gear -- black leather pants, jackets, etc. Just seeing them onscreen makes me feel sweaty, itchy, and uncomfortable. Oh, I don't mean like they're a turn-on! Ew, no. I mean I'm already imagining how uncomfortable it would be getting sand in those leather pants. I love the beach but ughh do I hate sand.

These ladies -- who are also bedecked in all kinds of chains -- feel the need to push directly through Y&T rather than go past them. They attempt to push them over, but nope, they're all still singing and making goofy faces. It didn't work.

The "Choose Me" girl has taken her shirt off, and is posing on her towel with the pier in the background. Meantime, the biker ladies have set up in an especially hot and icky looking place -- ew, I feel sweaty and dirty every time they're on screen! They are facing away from the water, and have a bunch of hubcabs hung on a fence behind them. The ladies have switched into some weird combination of bondage gear and lingerie (I mean really! Stockings at the beach?!). It is physically uncomfortable watching them on screen. Their only plus is reminding me of bad 80s dystopian future movies they watch on Mystery Science Theater 3000 like "City Limits" and "Robot Holocaust." These gals could be extras in either.



We briefly see the lead singer dancing around next to the mermaid while the Hare Krishna strolls by. Then we see a blonde in a white bikini putting on suntan oil (not sunblock -- you know, the dark brown Hawaiian Tropic stuff). Ahhh! Noo!!! Then we see one of the biker ladies pouring Valvoline motor oil on her leg and rubbing that in. Ahh!! Just thinking about doing that, smelling that in the heat, then getting sand stuck to it -- seriously, this video is giving me a bad case of OCD.

The lead singer dances around a little more, then we see (I think) the guitarist snatch a pair of binoculars from the nerdy tourist couple. The (again, my best guess) bassist is using a watering can to keep the fake mermaid's tail moist, and the drummer (aka the fat one) is eating fruit from fake Carmen Miranda's headdress. Oh Y&T, your dorky humor knows no bounds.

We next actually see the band pretending to play the song, going nuts next to the boardwalk while women walk by completly ignoring them. This is followed by a sequence I really don't get -- women in bikinis rollerskate up and down the boardwalk holding increasingly large ghetto blasters up on their shoulders. I think we're supposed to laugh at the ever-increasing magnitude of the jamboxes, but honestly, I'm not sure. In between, we briefly see the Hare Krishna greeting the nerdy tourists.

Now the biker ladies are on roller skates, while still in their bondage/lingerie gear. They roll close to Y&T (who are still playing the song next to the boardwalk), creating a giant cloud of dust that blows the band away. It also conveniently provides a transition to the next scene, which features Y&T attempting to play volleyball against a bunch of the conventionally attractive women.

They should have kept their eyes on the ball instead of just lip synching and dancing, because one of the biker ladies catches the volleyball and proceeds to fully deflate it just by squeezing it with her hands. Each one of the biker ladies walks past the guitarist making a mean face at him after she throws the ruined ball at his feet.

Then we're back on the boardwalk with the lead singer, who is ogling ladies while he walks past a food stand. A carnival barker convinces him to try a game that involves throwing a baseball through a plywood cutout of a clown's mouth. The Y&T guy decides to give it a try, and of course, he's terrible -- the "Choose Me" girl waiting over at the food window giggles at him. No matter. He picks up the bazooka at his feet and fires, destroying the entire clown backdrop (and I'm assuming, leaving many dead and wounded on the beach beyond, but they don't show that part).



The smoke from the explosion provides the transition to the next scene, showing all the conventionally attractive women packing up their beach stuff to head home. As the sun sets, we see all the different characters from the entire video plow past Y&T, who appear to be begging? I don't know what they're doing, maybe just singing and making weird hand gestures. It's hard to tell. We get an inexplicable close-up of a woman wearing a toga and a helmet -- is she supposed to be Roman? Joan of Arc? Not sure.

Next thing you know, looks who's here, it's the Y&T robot, wearing giant novelty sunglasses. He seems to be having more trouble walking than usual, I guess due to the sand. See? Sand is just problems for everyone. His giant swinging arms knock over Y&T.

Y&T give up and plop themselves into the sand, looking all sad. Aww, poor Y&T. You can see the "Y&T" rock in the background behind them, maybe they should crawl back under that. But no wait, look, walking up the beach, it's the biker ladies. After coldly assessing the lads for a moment, they offer them their hands and help them up. We then see a long shot of everyone silhouetted as they walk along the pier, with the shambling Y&T robot bringing up the rear.

So is this a happy ending for Y&T? Umm, depends what you mean by "happy ending." (Oh ew, I am not trying to make a double entendre people, get your minds out of the gutter!) My guess is this is like the Beavis and Butt-head where the hot biker lady talks to them, but all she's looking for is for them to help her steal some stuff from the convenience store where they're always hanging out. (Clerk: "What's that there in your pants?" Butt-head: "Wouldn't you like to know.") I could picture Y&T sitting around afterwards, much like Beavis and Butt-head, eating nachos and reminiscing about that time a chick talked to them.

Y&T, "Don't Stop Runnin'"

My New Year's Resolution

THE VIDEO Y&T, "Don't Stop Runnin'", In Rock We Trust, 1984, A&M

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SAMPLE LYRIC "(Keep on running) / Don't stop running! / (Keep on running) / 'Cause you can't catch me / You better keep on running / (Don't stop running!) / Oh yeah-ahhh!"

THE VERDICT Can you believe, and I mean truly, can you believe Motley Crue's first live show was opening for this band? Crazy but it's true folks, crazy but it's true. Reasonably decent songs aside, Y&T (which stands for Yesterday and Today) are cheesy as all get out. And as if their songs were not cheesy enough, they up the ante with their videos -- and by up the ante, I actually mean they go all in. With schlock like this, Y&T don't appear to be holding anything back (though allmusic always claims they're in on the joke).

Nonetheless, I thought it would be a good idea to end the decade and kick off the new one with some inspirational fare. While I toyed with many songs that encourage us to keep rocking and indeed, not stop rocking, in the end I picked "Don't Stop Runnin'" because it allows a bit of a wider interpretation. Also because this kind of work hard, achieve your dreams thing is more or less the new year's/new decade's resolution I set for myself. I'm in the midst of several personal and professional projects at the moment, and sometimes it's hard to see an end in sight. Thus, my resolution to "keep on runnin'."

Come to think though, I probably should have resolved to "Hang Tough," and thus blogged about Tesla -- a band and a song I much prefer to Y&T. But come on, Tesla never made a video with an apparently 30-something high school nerd turning into a robot, so we're sticking with Y&T.

Our video begins with said nerd (Paul) asking an equally not-young-looking popular girl (Susie) out on a date to a concert that evening (which we can only assume is Y&T). She harshly turns him down, letting him know she "wouldn't go to a funeral" with him and that she's going out with Big Man On Campus Charlie tonight.



That aside, we know she's popular because, come on, look at the size of the bow on her head! If we're to have learned anything from the movie Heathers, it's that high school social status is inextricably linked to the size of the bow affixed to one's noggin. The interchange is so awkward that the nerd appears to slam himself into a locker. Next thing you know, the BMOC has rolled up, causing the nerd to punch himself. Let's face it, he's kind of a hard protagonist to sympathize with.

The nerd heads home to his Y&T poster-bedecked room, where he can soothe himself with some tunes on his giant cassette Walkman. Throwing himself onto his bed (which, along with his bedroom, overall looks suspiciously like the room from "Cum On Feel the Noize" with some added decor), he's maligning his geek status when suddenly --

His Walkman explodes, and his face turns into the guy from the old Memorex ads! Next thing you know, a big metal breastplate pops through his shirt, he's got metal teeth, and big, useless metal hands -- yes, he is turning into the Y&T robot. This transformation appears to make him as baffled and sweaty as his exchange with the girl, and before you know it, yup, he's a robot. They can't likely afford the special effects to actually show the transformation, so we just get rapid cuts back and forth between the robot's face, and the nerd with metal teeth. Oh wait, not braces, more like grills.

The robot doing some aerobicizing gives way to Y&T performing live-ish in front of a fairly robust crowd. In fact, close-up shots of the robot are used to transition from scene to scene throughout the video, which is kind of weird. Apparently, the robot is flying around the Y&T concert as well as hovering over Southern California.



We next see the BMOC pull up in a white convertible to pick up the girl. He looks smug, and she looks thrilled, having put an even larger bow in her hair. She's also now wearing a flouncy, puffy-shouldered white dress and white gloves. As his car pulls away, we see that the BMOC's vanity plate reads "STUD BOY." Eww.

Oh snap, now the robot is onstage with Y&T. Just when I was about to say that based on their level of sweatiness and the lack of decent camera angles this probably was a live performance. The robot sort of hop-skips toward the camera before hopping over it. My guess is the costume is made out of foam rubber -- it looks soft and squishy.

Now the robot is flying (aka superimposed) over the Y&T audience. We then see the girl and BMOC driving (aka also superimposed) at night. She's attempting to look less than thirty by blowing bubbles with her gum, while he's more or less continuing to look smug. Ooh, now the robot is flying (you know what I'm going to say by this point) over the city. All of this is interspersed with shots of various members of Y&T sweating and yelling.



The girl and BMOC suddenly find themselves at a stop sign, that is somehow also possibly in an alley, quite shocked and confronted with three uh... I guess they're supposed to be punks, but this is in the sense that Nic Cage in Valley Girl is supposed to be a punk. The girl makes ridiculous overacting faces, and the BMOC shrinks down in his seat as the "punks" size them up. Also, let me mention one of the "punks" is a chick wearing black lipstick and an eyepatch with a large "tattoo" that says "Search and Destroy" in the center of her back. Oooh, rough neighborhood.

The tallest punk reaches in and grabs the car keys, while the lady punk smiles at the wide-eyed girl. The BMOC gets out of the car only to be roughed up by the two guys. They then get the girl out of the car and start pushing her around -- aww, the tall guy even grabs her bow! She's powerless without it! The BMOC watches in horror and then runs away.

There's a weird moment where the girl gets thrown to the ground, and then she and the punk girl sort of look at each other knowingly. I kind of feel like that moment is the only time we sense any sort of real chemistry in this video. Then it's back to the robot flying around, apparently content to enjoy the power of flying (can you blame him?) and let the girl get hassled by the punks. No worries, as she then punches the guy punk with the weird eye makeup (it appears to spell out "BITE" -- seriously, where did they learn about punks for this video?). This then inexplicably leads to him taking out his aggression on the "STUD BOY" vanity plates.

The vandalism of private property finally somehow gains the robot's attention. Let me mention also that when the robot is "flying", all its parts don't fit together -- there appear to be big gaps in its body such that its head and arms are just floating above its torso. Heaven knows what green screen problems caused this to happen. He spots the alley and somehow magically sees a close-up of the girl being harassed in a little starburst/price sticker shape.



The punks' jaws drop as the robot comes bouncing out of some dry ice fog. The robot fights the punks, grabbing the tall one's fist in his lobster-claw-looking hands, then doing an Undertaker-esque choke slam on the one with the eye makeup and lifting him staight out of his boots (during this shot, we also get to see that the robot appears to be wearing um, men's dress shoes).

This all proves too much for the girl, who faints, leading to some shots of Y&T and their fans all looking especially excited. The robot grabs the girl up in his claw hands and carries her out of the alley. (Ooh, you know it's a bad part of town when someone has spraypainted "Rock" on the side of a building.)

Now for the best part of the video: She wakes up, sees the robot, and gets way more scared than when she was just being abandoned by her date and beaten up by the punks. I mean, it's a giant effing robot with metal teeth and claw hands, and she probably doesn't know what the "Y&T" on its chest means! She punches the robot in the chest until he puts her down, and then she runs away to -- around the corner. Yes, she runs like ten feet and then stops, as if the robot isn't about to turn the same corner too. And now the best part of the best part: THE ROBOT CRIES A SINGLE TEAR. We get a pretty ambiguous reaction shot of the girl, still leaning against the wall, but that robot tear is just the piece de resistance of the Y&T video oeuvre, if you'll allow my overuse of French pour une minute.

Next thing we know, we see the Walkman lying on the bed, totally unexploded, and the nerd sitting up in bed, exclaiming "whoa!" and touching his head and body. "Aw shucks, fell asleep listenin' to Y&T again!" But then, he realizes something -- the left lens on his glasses is broken! Sacre bleu, how could this be? It couldn't just be that he, I don't know, was taking a damn nap with glasses on. But then he pulls down part of his sheets, and finds what appears to be either the robot's shiny Y&T breastplate, or a really, really large Y&T guitar pick.



He smirks at it knowingly, but what the hell that proves, I have no idea. "Yeah, I did save the girl, but she hated that scary robot and had no idea it was me." How is that good news?! Come Monday morning, she's going to be back to hanging off STUD BOY, and he's going to be slamming himself into his locker.

But I guess, as the song implies, he will "keep on runnin'" in spite of the fact that the girl is now terrified of him instead of just ignoring/dissing him. That's what it's all about, right? Persistence in the face of setbacks.

And besides, he has reason to believe she'll come around. I mean, if there's one thing we've learned from 80s movies, it's that hot women love nerds. And if there's one thing we've learned from the 80s movie Heavy Metal, it's that if there's one thing hot women love more than nerds, it's robots.

Trust me -- this video is so bad, it makes me forget that "Don't Stop Runnin'" is actually a pretty decent song. Confusingly though, it's being told to a person who "wants another chance" with the song's ostensible narrator, which is weird. The lyrics fit most with the video if you construe them as being from the point of view of the girl, Susie, even though she does not seem to in any way want the nerd to "keep on runnin'" to try to "get next to" her, let alone "feel the ecstasy." So maybe between this and the robot tear, this video wasn't quite as inspirational as I thought. But it was fun, wasn't it?

Van Halen, "Hot for Teacher"

School Daze

THE VIDEO Van Halen, "Hot for Teacher," 1984, 1984, Warner Brothers

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SAMPLE LYRIC "I've got it baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad / got it baaaaaaaaaaad / got it baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad / I'm hot for teach-ah!"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION A mom with a bad 80s perm and big dorky sunglasses leans down toward the camera (she's shot from beneath, a rooftop and a palm tree are silhouetted in the background). She's sort of "hmm"ing to herself and laughing in this weird way as we hear screams and gunshots in the background. The viewpoint switches to over her shoulder, and we see her straightening the hair of a mega-dorky kid wearing a button down shirt, a knit vest, a bowtie, and the same giant glasses. Her fingers smoothing down his hair make an excruciatingly loud sound.

Mom: Sweet, sweet Waldo…

The camera switches back to the previous angle, and the mom points a finger and says…

Mom: Now Waldo, I hope you find some friends this year.

She begins polishing his glasses with the hem of her shirt, while he speaks (as a voiceover -- his lips don't actually move. He has the voice of an adult nerd, not a kid.)

Waldo: Aw mom, ya know I'm not like other guys. I'm nervous and my socks are too loose.

The mom keeps sort of oohing and aahing to herself the whole time he's speaking, and as he puts his arms out to either side in desperation a school bus pulls up and he backs into its open door. The kids on the bus are all going absolutely apeshit and having a wild paper fight, and the driver -- Mr. David Lee Roth -- turns to face the camera, grinning maniacally. He points at Waldo and gestures backward, saying, "Siddown, Waldo!"

Waldo gets on the bus looking hella nervous, and as the kids on the bus all turn to see him they stop what they're doing and stare. The drums that begin the song are just getting loud as the bus door closes. As the bus pulls away, we see Waldo pressed up against its back window, screaming plaintively.



The next shot is just amazing. I feel like it is a lost scene from some 80s teen movie (although these kids are a lot younger). The camera pans left to right across a row of kids sitting bored in a classroom. The first kid has spiky bleach blonde hair and is wearing tinted glasses with weird frames. Next up is an amazing looking girl with long dark hair wearing big sunglasses with what look like neon frames, then a pudgy boy with a Mohawk that's been shaped into a sort of fountain on top of his head which he's staring up at. The girl next to him, who's also kinda pudgy and has giant curly hair, is also looking at it.

We then get two boys wearing flannel shirts and bandannas tied around their foreheads, the one on the left (who's wearing sunglasses), gestures and whispers something to the other boy. They're followed by two amazing looking girls, both of whom look very bored and have on heavy makeup and giant, teased 80s hair. The one on the left just looks down, the one on the right (who's also wearing a studded leather cuff) is teasing her hair out even more. The last kid is, of course, a twitchy Waldo.

Next we get our first glimpses at the mini Van Halen boys. All are posed in a dark room with some smoky light filtering in. First we have Diamond Dave and Little Diamond Dave. Little Dave is sitting at a desk, and Dave is leaning against a ladder. We then see all the kids sitting in the classroom looking bored at their desks, from overhead. Then we meet Alex Van Halen and little Alex. Little Alex is standing with his arms crossed, and Alex is smoking and sitting in a backwards-turned chair. More bored kids.

Next is Michael Anthony and Little Michael. Little Michael is sitting on a stool, and Michael is standing behind one. They're the first pair that are dressed exactly the same, and both have their arms crossed. Little Michael pulls a toothpick out of his mouth and tosses it offscreen. More bored kids, but Little Van Halen are now clearly visible sitting in one of the middle rows of the classroom. Last, we have Eddie Van Halen and Little Eddie. Both are sitting on the edges of school desk and holding guitars.

As the intro to the song ends, we see Waldo wiping his brow, sitting at a desk in an empty classroom. He grips the edges of the desk and looks around, and we see him from a bunch of different angles. As DLR yells, "Ooh-ooh!" (the response to his question, "So what do you think the teacher's gonna look like this year?"), Little Van Halen jump out of their seats in enormous excitement.



Suddenly we switch from black and white to color as a short-haired blonde wearing a blue string bikini, a tiara, heels, and a pink sash that reads "Miss Chemistry" jumps from behind a glittery silver curtain of streamers which has been hung from the ceiling at the front of the classroom (you can see the chalkboard behind it), with footlights visible in the foreground. She begins to parade across the stage carrying a little scepter (to go with the tiara, one supposes), and Little Eddie and Little Michael, having run to the front of the room, show a level of excitement that makes me feel a little uncomfortable.

Michael is onstage sitting on a stool announcing over a microphone (though he's just dressed in street clothes, nothing special) while Miss Chemistry trots around, and Little Dave gleefully throws handfuls of confetti into the air. Michael nearly falls off his stool following her with his eyes, and Little Michael makes an aside to Little Alex, who removes his sunglasses and whistles (honestly, these kids were not bad actors). The curtain is mostly gone now, so she's walking back and forth in front of the chalk board, which has random numbers written on it.

For "don't wanna be no uptown fool," we're back in black and white, and Dave is right in close to the camera on the right. Little Dave and a girl are visible sitting around in the background on the left. The camera pans from the ground up the legs of the same teacher from before, now dressed in heels, stockings, a short tight skirt, a wide belt, and a white buttondown shirt with a little tie. She's sort of leaning over a desk at the front of the room.

It then turns around and we see between the desks of Waldo and one of the cool girls, where in the next row Little Eddie and Little Michael are leaning against each other bored. Eddie jumps up from behind them, pushing their heads apart and singing "teacher needs to see me after scho-ool."

The camera then follows the teacher's butt and legs as she walks between the desks, and from the left Dave sings "but then my homework…," and then on the right, Little Dave mirrors him, singing "… was never quite like thi-i-is." The teacher leans against her desk at the front of the room, and Eddie is visible standing beside the blackboard.

Suddenly in color (and beneath a disco ball), Michael, Alex, and Eddie (left to right) begin doing a dance in orange tuxes and sunglasses, and Dave swings in on the right wearing the same outfit and singing and doing a more elaborate version of the same dance. Now as for me, I love this part of the video (clearly, because I love David Lee Roth), but for others, I understand how you could watch this and be like, "so that's why they kicked him out."

When the chorus ends, we're back in black and white and we next see Waldo from above getting his tray in a filthy cafeteria, with the real Van Halen sitting on some kind of elevated thing (possibly a salad bar) in the background. Waldo turns every which way with his tray, unsure where to go, when suddenly the camera faces Little Van Halen.

Little Michael leans in and says, "Hey, I heard you missed us," and Little Eddie says, "we're back." We then jump back to the shot of Waldo sitting nervous at the desk, then Little Alex leans way in, and, demonstrating, says, "I've got my pen-cilll." We see Waldo, then Little Dave, who now has on a big white hat and really bizarre 80s sunglasses, chimes in with, "gimme something to write on!" We briefly see all the kids sitting down in the cafeteria, but before we can do much a much less teacherly-looking woman with lots of eyeliner and teased bleach blonde hair, wearing a patterned, loose minidress type of thing, steps forward.



And of course, as she tears it off, revealing half a blue bikini, a pink cropped tank top thing, and a blue sash that reads "Phys Ed," we're back in color, as all the kids jump up and a spotlight highlights the teacher. She dances around, swinging the dress over her head and tossing it into the crowd. We see her from above and underneath, then we see Dave very close to the camera on the left (wearing one of my favorite outfits of his, a bandanna and a bunch of bangle bracelets), and the stripper… uh, make that teacher, going nuts in the background with the very appreciative Little Van Halen crowded by her feet. We then randomly see Miss Chemistry again. Phys Ed is now on her knees, and Michael, now in the foreground, looks over his shoulder at the camera and sings "how did you know the golden ru-ule?"

Dave, in a brownish tuxedo, stands on the stage with the lights and silver curtain holding a pad and sings, "I think of all the education that I missed" then throws the pad off camera, grabbing Miss Chemistry for "but then my homework was never quite like thi-ii-iis." He dips her and smiles mischieviously at the camera. All the Van Halen boys then dance beneath the disco ball again for the chorus.

For the solo, we first see Little Eddie sitting at one end of a long library table holding a guitar (in black and white, p.s.). Eddie steps over him and walks down the length of the table while playing, stepping over books and papers and passing Little Michael and Little Alex about halfway and Little Dave toward the end, where he leans down and gives us mad guitar face. Ed then continues the solo on the silver curtain stage in a brown tux (in color, obviously), with the other three members of the band behind him. We finish the solo in B&W, as Ed then walks down the same library table again, this time with no one there till he reaches the end of the table and finds a very sweaty Waldo gripping the edges of the table and grimacing before two large, open books.

Next we see the members Van Halen and Little Van Halen sitting together in a cobweb-covered jail cell patrolled by a big-haired babe with a whip. Dave pops up in front holding an hourglass and says, "Aw man, I think the clock is slooow." The babe bares her teeth, and Little Dave pops up and says, "I don't feel tardy" before the babe pushes him back down again. We then see Waldo standing, super-sweaty, with a look of panic on his face, then Dave (with the jailer posing seductively behind him) yells, "class dis-missed!"

With much exuberance, we return to color as Little Van Halen burst out of the front doors of the school, followed by lots of other students. A banner over the door reads "graduation." They sort of high five each other as DLR pulls up in a …I have no idea what kind of car this would be, I'll be honest. Halfway between a like 1920s car and a hot rod (the engine is exposed). It's a yellow convertible with "Hot for Teacher" painted in red on the back and a little sign beside the license plate that says "VH." Dave puts out his hand to gesture them to get into the car, and he high-fives Little Dave, who sits behind him. They peel out and drive off.



The video concludes with brief shots of each adult band member that turn into stills with words over the screen. Each tells us what the members of Van Halen have wound up doing with themselves.

First Alex, dressed as a doctor and adjusting a stethoscope around his neck (but still smoking), turns toward the camera, and we learn "ALEX WENT ON TO BECOME DR. VAN HALEN Gynecologist, Los Angeles, CA."

Michael faces off against a sumo wrestler, and as he gets ready to throw his opponent down we learn, "MICHAEL ANTHONY IS CURRENTLY A CHAMPION SUMO WRESTLER IN TOKYO, JAPAN."

Next we see Eddie sitting in front of a tv in a straitjackets while an orderly leads another patient by behind him and another one sits on a bed. As the camera focuses in on him, we can read that. "EDWARD VAN HALEN IS TEMPORARILY 'RELAXING' IN BELLEVUE MENTAL WARD AND MAKING PROGRESS."

Waldo, still tiny and possibly even still a kid, stands beside a super fancy car which has his name written on the spare tire (it's one of those cars where there's a spare on the running board). He's wearing a big fur jacket and takes off a wide-brimmed white hat. Three ZZ Top video-looking women stand arrayed about him, and it says, giving us a black and white inset picture of Waldo, "NO ONE'S REALLY SURE WHAT BECAME OF WALDO AFTER GRADUATION."

Last, we see Dave spinning a giant glittery wheel beneath a flashing sign that reads "20 BILLION JACKPOT" while a lady in a glittering black dress looks on and an Ernest-looking guy behind a music stand jumps up and down excitedly. Dave freaks out and jumps around excitedly, and the last thing we learn is that "DAVID LEE ROTH WENT TO HOLLYWOOD AND BECAME AMERICA'S FAVORITE T.V. GAME SHOW HOST." Not that far from the truth, honestly. The boys, in their tuxes, take a sort of bow, to much applause.

THE VERDICT Now, I sing this song karaoke a lot, and no one seems to agree on the lyrics. Have we "got it bad" or have we "got it made"? The world may never know. And what is that random interjection toward the beginning? Is it just DLR whooping with glee? Or is it, as many crappy lyrics sites would have it, "my butt!" Much confusion. Nevertheless, "Hot for Teacher" remains a pre-eminent sing-along song, and nothing, not even it's notorious connection to Varsity Blues can take that away from it. It still rocks.

In spite of the fact that I basically hate kids, I've got to admit that I'm a sucker for videos where random little kids play adult musicians. I can't think of many more examples than this one (except for a vague recollection of their being a video where the Notorious B.I.G. and Sean Puffy, among others, are played by kids). Possibly it's not the kid component at all, it's just the idea of getting to dress up as the members of Van Halen and do as they do. Clearly, the stylist on this video was a frickin' genius. The logic these kids' parents used in allowing them to participate in this video, slightly more fuzzy.

None the less, we must thank them, because without their showbiz moms and dads-style instincts we wouldn't have this video. I remember seeing this on Pop-Up Video (try to imagine how much I miss that show. Just try.), and I feel like the pop-ups dealt with that issue somewhat. Anyway, point is, a lot happens in this video, but I don't feel tremendously qualified to comment. Although really it's just that writing that crazy intense description took a hella long time, and now I'm kinda "Hot for Teacher"-ed out.