Ozzy Osbourne, "The Ultimate Sin"

Ozzy Does Dallas

THE VIDEO Ozzy Osbourne, "The Ultimate Sin," The Ultimate Sin, 1986, Epic

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SAMPLE LYRICS "It was the ultim-uh-ate si-in / it was the ultimate si-i-in / it was the ultim-uh-ate si-in"

THE VERDICT I love how the opening of this video is like Dallas. Mansions, horses, Ozzy clapping in a black-and-yellow-sequined coat that looks like it belongs to Stryper... it's really a promising intro. Ozzy sitting at his J.R.-style desk, in a suit and matching cowboy hat and yet with extensive eyeliner and bedraggled, shoulder-length hair, trying to act ...yes, this video rules. As he picks up the phone and mimes dismay, he clearly says "Oh shit!" Love it. Honestly, all the videos from The Ultimate Sin have their This Is Spinal Tap moments, but the title track is more or less all Spinal Tap moments.

Ozzy picks up a giant remote to soothe himself with some TV, and look what's on! It's him in concert, wearing his big Stryper jacket. He's got on some kind of coordinating spandex bodysuit on underneath it -- the combination makes him look like a cross between Michael Sweet and the Undertaker. For some reason all the concert footage is shot from a low angle -- to make him look more imposing? Either way, Dallas Ozzy is tickled to see Stryper Ozzy on TV.

But then -- uh-oh! -- it's Julie, the girl from the "Shot in the Dark" video-slash-the album artwork. She's out in the concert audience transforming into the album cover lady again. How come Ozzy never transforms into the weird dog-lion-monster thing he's depicted as on the cover? I mean, the man is no stranger to album-art-inspired makeup -- just watch "Bark at the Moon." Must have been too expensive to turn him into the dog thing.

Anyway, next thing you know, she's appearing in his office, smiling in a weird way and wearing an outfit that wouldn't look entirely out of place on Sue Ellen (a red shirtdress thingy and an insanely large pearl choker). Next thing you know though, she's making the headache face again, which somehow provides a transition back to her being in the audience of the concert.



Stryper Ozzy's coat, now that I look at it more, is even more ridiculous than I first thought. It's got giant shoulder pads, the hem is cut into carwash strips, and the pattern makes him look like a giant sparkly road sign.

They barely show the concert though (or Jake E. Lee even! Good luck to anyone else in the band trying to get any screen time in this video). Before you know it, we're in Dallas Ozzy's boardroom, and he's frustrated by all the board members yelling at him about stuff. He doesn't take it too hard though, making faces and taking off one of his cowboy boots (showing off polka-dotted socks and making a secretary stick out her tongue in disgust).

Next thing you know though, Julie's standing at one end of the table staring at him. This time though, Dallas Ozzy reacts completely differently -- he looks happy to see her (see, this is why I don't work in an office anymore. Meetings suck so much you're even happy to see a scary demon lady). She smiles (looking slightly like Elaine from Seinfeld), making all the board members turn toward her. They all smile, and this for some reason makes Dallas Ozzy completely freak out. Did they give him any directions on the acting here? It feels so faked and yet, in its randomness, so real.

Dallas Ozzy leaves the table, and a combination of Julie making the headache face and Ozzy pulling down a screen takes us back to the concert. We finally see Jake E. Lee, who I have a great affinity for -- I know for Randy Rhoads partisans this is blasphemy, but Jake might be my favorite Ozzy guitarist. I really love Badlands too, and he's a key component in the funniest joke in Extract. I thought it was the funniest joke anyway. Gotta love Jake E.



Pretty soon we're back with Dallas Ozzy, who has left the building (which says "Ozzy Oil" on the side of it) and is racing to his car. He polishes the steer horn hood ornament, then spotting Julie standing behind a fountain, he runs to get in the car. She makes mean faces at him, and he rolls down the window to stare after her with an expression of... uhh... well kind of a blank expression really.

Dallas Ozzy is relieved, then extra pleased, to be in his car, and he pulls his giant remote out of his suit jacket to watch more of his concert in the car. In a meta-Ozzy moment, Dallas Ozzy rocks out to Stryper Ozzy, then we transition to the concert. The low angles, wide stage, and lack of clear shots of anyone besides Ozzy imply to me this concert is real rather than staged (then again though, I suppose I should have learned my lesson with "Estranged"). And besides, next thing you know, there's Julie in the audience. We also get a random blue texture that's technically a bit of foreshadowing.

That turns into a shot of Julie in the audience on a little TV that Dallas Ozzy has dragged out by the pool -- ooh, like Madonna in Desperately Seeking Susan! Love that movie. Dallas Ozzy stretches out in his bathrobe, but next thing you know, Julie is standing in his yard (possibly shivering, or maybe it's just really windy -- the more I see it, I think the latter).

Dallas Ozzy looks excited, then grabs his TV (dramatized by a shot from the TV's point of view) and throws it into the swimming pool. This would seem more badass if the thing appeared to have a cord attached, let alone be plugged in. Julie keeps making the headache face, then Ozzy strips off his road and swings it around before throwing it behind him. He's still, let us note, wearing his polka dot socks. She's still got on the billowy red shirt dress and black pumps.

Dallas Ozzy chases her onto the diving board (okay, she doesn't really run, just backs up). Nonetheless, Julie appears surprised as he pushes her in backward. We get a sort of crackly effect over the screen that I think is meant to imply cordless TV + pool = electrocution. The video ends with Stryper Ozzy waving his arms, then Dallas Ozzy saluting, then my favorite shot -- a horse rolling on its back! Gotta love horses.



Anyway, that was a lot of video description -- I've almost done my old post format here -- so here's the real verdict. In the introductory sociology class I'm a teaching assistant for right now, our textbook uses pictures of Ozzy to illustrate the concept of front stage and back stage behavior (which is relatively self-explanatory thanks to the relatively descriptive terms Erving Goffman, an eminently readable social theorist, used to describe it). The gist is that people manage their behavior in different ways depending on whether they see themselves as having to perform a given persona for others (e.g., how you interact with customers = front stage, how you interact with coworkers of the same rank as you = back stage).

They picked a promo photo of Ozzy that looks like it's circa this period based on his makeup, hair, and dress, and paired it with a photo of him in the kitchen with Sharon from The Osbournes. They really should have stuck to the same time period and showed him in the kitchen in The Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years.

More to the point though, I don't actually think Kitchen Ozzy versus Scary Ozzy is actually that great an example of front and backstage behavior, because let's face it -- Ozzy puts it all out in the front. He's not that scary, certainly not in this video -- even though we see Stryper Ozzy and Dallas Ozzy, neither one is Scary Ozzy. In fact, both appear to be versions of Silly Ozzy (though the concert footage is less silly here than in other videos from this album, although again, there's less of it and we mostly have to watch it on tiny 80s TVs).

Much like Alice Cooper before him and many others after, Ozzy's both at once -- sure, even if Scary Ozzy is electrocuting a woman in his swimming pool, the fact that he's doing it in boxer shorts and polka dotted socks = Silly Ozzy. Similarly in concert, who's really going to take him seriously in that ridiculous Stryper coat? Oh wait... duh, Stryper.

Bon Jovi, "Living in Sin"

Parents Just Don't Understand

THE VIDEO Bon Jovi, "Living in Sin," New Jersey, Mercury, 1988

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SAMPLE LYRIC "Baby can you tell me, just WHERE we fi-it in / I call it love, they call it living in sin / is it you and me or just this WORLD we li-ive in / we're living on love, or are we livin' in sin"

THE VERDICT I have to give this song the award for the greatest ode to premarital sex (sorry, Winger). So what if the allmusic review claims that Bon Jovi's "trying to recreate Born to Run using cheaper materials." I don't know man but for me, this song puts JBJ dangerously close to Springsteen territory. Let's face it: No matter how I really feel about the state, if there's one thing I love, it's a good story-song about doomed lovers from New Jersey. The Boss is king in those parts -- I mean, "The River," "Atlantic City," etc. -- but Bon Jovi's no slouch.

And "Living in Sin" is the best of his story-songs -- though all the details about squabbling parents and Catholicism don't do it for me, his voice is so choked with emotion at the song's opening that it brings a lump into my throat nearly every time. And the video -- oh, the video. It's a total sobfest!



To review: This is the video MTV originally banned back in the day because it was too racy, though I'd argue they actually banned it for a couple of reasons. One, it contains a lot of Catholic imagery, and this was just a little before the whole "Like a Prayer" controversy. If the church didn't enjoy Madonna burning crosses and getting stigmata, I don't think they were going to exactly embrace Bon Jovi showing a vaguely sexy communion and crossing himself repeatedly while singing about the hypocrisy of religion and the idea that love is more important than the legality of one's relationship.

Two, the video is actually not that racy -- lots of clenched hands and unidentifiable swaths of bare skin (between the long hair and the lights being out, there are a lot of shots where it's not clear who we're looking at). This is particularly true of the shorter version, which omits the one brief peek of silhouetted side-boob (see below for an overly-long discussion of the different versions.) Call me crazy, but I think the bigger problem is that it shows sexuality in a positive, loving way -- this is no "Girls, Girls, Girls," which shows way more skin even in the censored version they show on TV. It also has way less nudity than Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game," which has a very similar overall look and feel. Compared to both of those, too, the shots in this video are too quick to really figure out what's going on; you kind of just get a sense of what you're seeing. Which at least for some of us is, admittedly, probably more titillating than the brazen sexuality of say, Motley Crue's love letter to the ladies of the Body Shop.



Instead of Sunset Strip strippers or Helena Christensen, we get a couple of people who actually look young (particularly the girl -- the guy looks vaguely like the friend who dies in "18 and Life"), and who for metal videos are strikingly good actors! They're adorable together, and he's so affectionate with her, it just ... oh no, here it goes. I'm getting teary. It was going to happen at some point, so let's just let it come. Anyway, they're a pretty realistic couple in the sense of they look like people you could've met in New Jersey circa 1988. I feel like this as well was likely part of MTV's problem with the video -- these folks look underage.

There's also an interesting class aspect in here -- while in most Bon Jovi songs, its implied both lovers are working class (think his other big "Living" song, i.e. "On a Prayer"), this video makes it appear that the boy is working class while the girl is middle class. Her family dresses neatly and eats dinner around the table, his keeps a junker car in the front yard and eats in front of the TV. So the video adds the implication of disapproval of downward mobility to the whole no-sex-before-marriage thing (in other words, it's not just the sex her parents disapprove of, though we can assume they disapprove of that too).



But they're in looove! I mean just look at these two, on the beach, in the car, at a motel... can't anybody take the "if you're going to do this, let's do it at home and be safe" approach? I can't stand the thought that this couple isn't going to make it!

If you see the full version of this video, it includes bits before and after the song ends that give a bit more context (it also includes more explicit sexuality than the shorter version, which is also considerably tamer). Both show the girl having dinner with her parents, and standing up to look out some large windows (or maybe French doors?) out to the street. The beginning includes a voiceover (we assume from the boy) saying, "There's always something that we have to do for them, but this is one thing that we have to do for us."



In the longer ending, we see the girl looking out the window again, and the boy's car driving by. We then see the girl running out to the boy's car. Some folks claim this means she's decided to run away with him. However -- since a) she's wearing different clothes and b) we also see this shot of her running to the car in the beginning of the video (when they're leaving for the motel?) -- I've always taken this to be a memory. In other words, she's looking for his car, but it's not there anymore. Noooooo!

Then again... there's also the shot of them being discovered in bed at the beginning of the video, which is obviously foreshadowing and repeats again at the end. So maybe... hmm. Maybe the whole intro is foreshadowing her leaving with him at the end. But doesn't she need more than that tiny backpack? I mean that'll barely hold her Aqua Net, let alone her enormous supply of giant hoop earrings! Nonetheless, I think further study is required to solidify my interpretation of this video. Are they truly star-crossed, or is this "Tommy and Gina: The Early Years"?

P.S.: Yes, I got the idea for this title from Parks and Recreation.

Ratt, "Round and Round"

Somebody Call the Exterminator

THE VIDEO Ratt, "Round and Round," Out of the Cellar, 1984, Atlantic

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SAMPLE LYRIC "Round and round / with love we'll find a way just give it time / round and round / what comes around goes around / I'll tell you why"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION This video starts out with a butler carrying a silver tray entering a room where a group of six or so well-to-do people are having a candlelit dinner. At one head of the table sits a spooky young gal sporting some serious bling bling (a rather large necklace and a tiara), who has a man on her left and a woman in white on her right (who the butler offers the tray to first). As the man on the girls' right speaks, we see some shadows running past the window behind him, and the spooky girl notices. She's wearing a black strapless gown, fairly severe makeup, and has long, dark hair with very short, straight bangs (my candidate for weirdest looking video babe ever -- she looks more like a fashion model than a stripper, which could account somewhat for her out of place appearance). She's the only one who notices the shadows -- or no, the butler does too. He nods approval.

Next we see Ratt rocking out in a musty attic full of old junk (a bicycle's visible toward the front, plus a lot of trunks and stuff), with what I've always thought was a large clock but is probably a round window behind them. Stephen Pearcy is dressed like a cross between a pirate and a member of The Hart Foundation.

But before I can go any further into this, we're back downstairs again with the dinner crowd. At the head of the table opposite the spooky girl sits Milton Berle (who's in this video because he literally was Uncle Miltie to Ratt's manager at the time, Marshall Berle). He's got a woman in black on his left and then umm, himself in drag sitting on his right. He stops eating and looks up, annoyed and grabbing at his ear. Ratt are rocking out as an actual rat looks on.

Now I can't read lips so I can't guarantee the accuracy of what the people are saying in this video, but Milton Berle's gestures upward and says something like, "Do you hear that?" The spooky gal looks up and shakes her head no while Stephen executes a very David Lee Roth-like kick. Milton Berle mimes playing a guitar and says something I can't catch, then looks disgusted. He says, I think, "Do you hear that upstairs?" causing himself in drag (white sequined dress, heavy lipstick, weird red wig, long white gloves) to look over.



Drag Milton looks over, flattered, then looks up and makes an "ewww" face and says, "That's terrible." Regular Milton then gestures and says something to imply that the two of them should go upstairs, because Drag Milton says, "Should we go?" and then adjusts her boobs. Regular Milton gets up in disgust, grabs a cigar, and then both Miltons exit the room just in time for the chorus.

The lady in white talks to the spooky girl as the butler comes around to pour more wine, and the girl notices he's wearing a studded leather wristband. She looks up at him and smiles a little, and he very quickly snaps his arm away so his jacket cuff covers it again. As Stephen sings, "Lookin' at you / Lookin' at me" the girl looks up, and Stephen sort of crawls on the floor a little. Downstairs, the little lamps on the wall start shaking, and everyone looks up, then continues eating. We then see a white-gloved hand capture the rat that had been enjoying the show upstairs beneath a silver serving platter lid.

After a little cutting back and forth between Stephen and the girl, she exits the dinner table rather abruptly, though her fellow diners quickly shrug it off. She starts going up the stairs as the butler is coming down, and the guy at the dinner table sees something drop from the ceiling into his food. They notice that the ceiling is starting to crack as Robbin Crosby and Juan Croucier put their heads together and sing along, and a chunk of plaster falls into the woman in black's wine glass.

At the top of the stairs, the spooky girl makes eye contact with the butler, who nods, and the band kicks in to the second chorus. Downstairs, everyone grins as the butler brings in the big silver platter with the main course, but when he takes the lid off they're all shocked (but not too shocked -- this must have taken a few takes) to see that the platter is covered with fancy rats (they're pet store rats -- certainly not New York City rats).

The butler nods, and then Warren DeMartini jumps through the ceiling and crash lands on the dinner table for the guitar solo. The diners all protest, eventually leaving, and as he points at the ceiling Robbin continues the solo.

As they reprise the opening of the song, it turns out that there's a strobe light in the stairwell. Also, the spooky girl has lost her dress, tiara, and apparently, her wig, as well as changed her makeup. She's now got smoky eyes, silver lipstick, a black and gray Mia Farrow haircut, and appears to be molting silver latex. She also has on one giant earring. She sort of looks like a less attractive Milla Jovovich in The Fifth Element (a movie I completely loathe but, whatever, that's what she looks like). Anyway, she's rolling around on the stairs struggling her way out of this weird second skin (sort of like a snake or a bug or something).



Ratt goes for the chorus one last time, and she crawls up the stairs and then kind of hops into the corner (like that weird little thing from The Lord of the Rings -- no, obviously I don't watch these things) stays hunched over and keeps hopping closer and closer to the band, and she's molted her way down to wearing a minidress. She dances around as the band rocks out, and then also see that the butler is watching too, and he's now wearing one of those awesome t-shirts that have like all the bones in the ribcage and spine printed on the front, a satin Ratt jacket, and black lipstick while pumping his fist in the air. He looks like Riff Raff, the butler in the Rocky Horror Picture Show. At the very end, we see that he's dancing on the ravaged dinner table, and our parting shot is one of the real rats again.

THE VERDICT Full disclosure: Until relatively recently, I didn't have the highest opinion of Ratt. Yeah, I liked this song and a couple others, yeah, I thought Warren DeMartini was hot, yeah, I had seen that picture of Stephen Pearcy with Drew Barrymore and knew he was all BFF with Vince Neil, but I just wasn't convinced they were an especially good band. I think this opinion can actually be blamed on two things: One, excessive viewing of the video for "Way Cool Jr." and two, a VH1 interview I saw with Bobby Blotzer where he kept going "Ratt N Roll forever, man" and it struck me as really, really depressing.

I am pleased to note however that I have managed to see beyond these two things, to the extent even that during an otherwise quiet Scrabble game against my dad and my bf the video for "I Want a Woman" came on and I yelled "RRRAAAAATTTTTTTTT!" in a voice neither they nor myself previously knew me to possess. I think a lot of it is my recent extensive perusal of back issues (from like 1986 and 1987) of Circus and Hit Parader, which made me really appreciate the insane popularity of Ratt at the time (in spite of everyone basically acknowledging that Robbin Crosby was a total tool) and made me think it was time to take a second look.

Hence, with Ratt, for whatever reason, I chose to start with their first video. Now obviously, it seems like they threw Milton Berle in there just as a gimmick and well, because they could. But the rest of this video is not so obvious. First, there's the very random choice of the really strange looking video chick. Considering Stephen was once called one of the "Bordello Brothers," this girl does not have the obvious appeal of say a Bobbie Brown or a Stephanie Seymour.

Then there's the whole plot of the video. Ratt, rats, and a rocker butler ruin a fancy dinner. Huh? Though Ratt seem oddly positioned to give a commentary on class in American society, the overall message seems to be that the proletariat will harness the power of rock to overpower polite society and get the chick, even if she's possibly an alien or an insect and even if your weapons used are vermin and the elderly. There will be punishment for trying to keep rock and the people down in the cellar (or up in the attic) and, as the song says, "what goes around comes around." Or am I digging too deep here, and should I simply say, "Wooooo, Ratt N Roll Forever"?