Mötley Crüe, "Girls, Girls, Girls"

Striptopia

THE VIDEO Mötley Crüe, "Girls, Girls, Girls," Girls, Girls, Girls, 1987, Elektra

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SAMPLE LYRIC "Girls! Girls! Girls! / Long legs and burgundy lips! / Girls! Girls! Girls! / Dancin' down on the Sunset Strip"

THE VERDICT Girls, Girls, Girls is definitely not my favorite Mötley Crüe album. It all feels a bit forced, like Vince Neil wearing frosted pink lipstick during Theatre of Pain threatened their male fanbase soo much that now they have to go as far the other way as possible, with strippers, motorcycles, and the beginnings of what will soon be all-out tattoo bonanzas on Nikki Sixx and Tommy Lee. Boo!

On the other hand, people always say to "write what you know" and "do what you love" and so on, so it's not entirely surprising that the Crüe would write an ode to strip clubs. If you've ever read The Dirt or really even just seen an interview with any member of the band (or okay, any member of the band who isn't Mick Mars), you know that the Crüe are really into boobs and performative sex.

Yes, even years before Tommy Lee would marry Pamela Anderson, and create the sex tape that really solidifies this Crüe-boobs-performative sex triumvirate, this comes across loud and clear. It predates the tattoos and motorcycles by nearly a decade in my estimation.



I was, as per the internet, only able to come up with the NSFW version of this video (or I guess really the NSFMTV version). It's really not that different from the original though -- more ass-only shots, thongs, toplessness toward the end. It merely underscores how all of these women would not be strippers today -- there's hardly an implant in sight (okay, there's one woman I find suspicious), a bunch of them aren't that young, and in general, they're wayyy more natural.

I'm actually thinking there's possibly more than one NSFW version of this video. The one I've been watching to write this post has a lot of topless women actually dancing around Vince, who's sitting in a backward-facing chair on the stage. I feel like though I've seen another one where the black-and-white canned footage of Nikki at the end has topless women superimposed next to it. You never know, I could be wrong. I spend so much time watching them that I've been known to have oddly specific dreams about heavy metal videos that don't really exist.

Actually there's one other thing that's different about it -- if you've seen the MTV version, you'll see that almost no money is exchanged. In the uncut version, the strippers often have cash stuffed in their various, uh, garments. It's interesting that MTV was like having exotic dancers is okay, but demonstrating that it's a monetary transaction is a no-no. What, do they really think that'll take this down to the level of Club MTV?



This video is basically like Flashdance meets the Robin Byrd Show. If you've ever lived in New York City, you freakin' know who Robin Byrd is, don't pretend. Okay, for those who don't, she's an often fairly out-of-it adult entertainer who interviews strippers and porn stars, and lets them do a little dance (frequently set to bad early '90s club music and with a backdrop reminiscent of You Can't Do That on Television). They mostly run reruns, so a lot of her guests are from around this time, or a little later. In general, the whole thing is only slightly more salacious than what you see here (there's some mild fondling and the occasional pantomimed sex act) -- at the same time though, if I were you, I wouldn't click on any of the links in this paragraph if I were at work.

At the same time, this video is totally like Flashdance, a movie whose premise has always struck me as ridiculous. What, that a welder-by-day and dancer-by-night might realize her dreams of being a ballerina? Ummm noooo, the idea that the patrons of a dive bar like Mawby's really sit through a bunch of costumed modern dance routines without heckling the dancers to take off their tops. They even underscore this with the scene when Jennifer Beals' failed figure skater friend becomes a stripper, and they're all like, "no no, that's much too degrading. It's nothing like what we do every night."

In any event, the costumes in this video are very Flashdance, especially the girl in the sort of well, Mötley Crüe-esque costume who tears her fishnets and crawls around on the floor. If she'd just kept her top on, this would pretty much be a scene from Flashdance.



The other thing I find deeply amusing about this video is how the Crüe have created sort of an ideal typical strip club. If you aren't familiar with the concept of an ideal type, it comes from the sociologist Max Weber. The gist of it is that the ideal type of something is the perfect concept of how something would be. This isn't in the sense of perfect or ideal in that it's necessarily good or somehow best, it's more that it has all of the attributes that we would expect something to have. A key point about ideal types is that they don't really exist out in the world, they merely exist as reference points for generating theory. Oh, also they exist in heavy metal music videos.

Weber uses this to talk about things like the state and bureaucracy, but Mötley Crüe here extend the idea to the strip club. They've created a seedy looking place where the dancers are enthusiastic, and all of the male patrons can share in the ogling good times to be had. The Harley-riding bad boys of Mötley Crüe can sit side by side with the trucker and the businessman. The young and the old, the affluent and the working class stiff, all can share in the Crüe's strippertopian vision. Tommy and Nikki even joke around with some of the other patrons, showing themselves to be men of the (male) people.

Only Mick seems -- not unexpectedly -- more or less immune to the strippers' charms. He raises his sunglasses once, but otherwise he plays the solo in the Seventh Veil's dressing room without peeling his eyes away from his guitar even once. He is probably trying to figure out which of the strippers are really aliens or pod people or some such.



The other thing that's a bit genius about this song is the shout-outs the Crue give to all these real strip clubs of the world -- the Sunset Strip's (now defunct) Tropicana and (the very much still there) Body Shop, Vancouver's Marble Arch, the Crazy Horse in Paris (umm is that where Rusty gets caught in European Vacation?). They even show Thee Doll House (actually in Miami, but they needed to rhyme it with Tattletales), with a couple of genuinely gorgeous women hanging around in front (most of the video is shot at the Seventh Veil, in case you didn't notice the vaguely Middle Eastern-looking bar area). If they ever had to pay for drinks or lap dances at those places before, well, we can assume they never had to again. Plus, as long as those clubs stayed in business, the Crüe are more or less guaranteed that they'll have to play this song at least once an hour.

At the same time though, if you've again, ever seen an interview with the Crüe, read or heard anything about them really, you know that even women who weren't professional sex workers had a lot of trouble keeping their tops on around them in the 80s. Why would they even bother with strip clubs? Maybe they really like hot wings. Yeah, come to think, I could totally see Tommy being really into hot wings.

Mötley Crüe, "Home Sweet Home"

Defining Moments

THE VIDEO Mötley Crüe, "Home Sweet Home," Theatre of Pain, 1985, Elektra

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SAMPLE LYRIC "I'm on my wayyy-ayyy-ayyy, I'm on my wayyy-ayyy-ayyyyy / home swee-eeet home / ta-night, ta-night! I'm on my wayyy-ayyy, just set me freee-eeee / home sweeeeet home"

THE VERDICT I have decided, for reasons all my own, and in spite of the fact that February probably would have made more sense, that March will be Power Ballads Month over here at Heavy Metal Videos. Many guitar-oriented rock bands have written and performed power ballads, but never before or since has their been such powerful balladry as during hair metal's heyday. As such, all this month's posts will be power ballads. So get out your lighters! Find a make-out partner! It's Power Ballad Month!

I've chosen Mötley Crüe's "Home Sweet Home" as my opener for a couple of reasons. First, in spite of songs such as, I don't know, "Still Loving You" (1984), "Bringin' on the Heartbreak" (1981), or going even further back, "Stairway to Heaven" (1971), I have in more than one instance heard Vince Neil claim that the Crüe invented the power ballad with this song. As per the previously introduced evidence (as well as much more), they didn't.

However, what the Crüe arguably did invent with "Home Sweet Home" was the power ballad video. In many ways, this video introduces nearly all of the conventions that will be hallmarks of so many power ballad videos to come, from "Wanted Dead or Alive" to "Love Song," and so many in between. Not all power ballad videos include these visual tropes (as we shall see this month), but the Crüe really do concoct so many of them right here in this video. There's a very good reason that any Vh-1 metal montage includes copious footage from "Home Sweet Home." Actually, there are ten very good reasons, as we shall see below.

Admittedly, it's not all soon-to-be cliches. The Crüe put some elements into this video that are very specific to them, and in particular, specific to Theatre of Pain. They include a humorous intro featuring Michael Berryman from The Hills Have Eyes, who also appears in the (also funny) video for "Smokin' in the Boys' Room." He approaches each band member letting them know they have a phone call, to which each responds "I'm on my way." Vince is at the beach, Mick Mars is in some kind of dungeon (which if you've read The Dirt you'll agree may well be his house), Nikki Sixx is in some kind of costume-oriented jazz bar, and Tommy Lee is throwing some kind of retro-theme party. Once this sequence ends and the video begins, however, it's video genre-defining moment after video-genre defining moment.



Power Ballad Video Cliche #1: The Tour Bus Ah, life on the road. Showing the tour bus emphasizes that the band is spending much of their time isolated and traveling around the country. They really are going to need some special ladies to help them feel more at home at the next Best Western! Speeding up the footage emphasizes the repetitiveness of touring.

Interestingly -- because they don't really travel on a bus? Because they do, and it's beyond filthy? -- we don't actually see the Crüe inside the bus, which is a surprise. Many subsequent bands will add to this cliche the cliches of footage of the lead singer leaning against the window and looking pensive and footage of various band members sleeping while wearing sunglasses.

Power Ballad Video Cliche #2: Setting Up for the Show Also shown with sped-up footage, setting up for the show is a key element, literally "setting the stage" for the video. We get to see fans entering the arena, a band-theme backdrop being hoisted, lights going up, roadies dragging stuff around, and so on. Speeding it up not only makes it go faster, it also makes all the people look like ants, possibly emphasizing the hugeness of the band.

Power Ballad Video Cliche #3: Goofing Off Backstage Aww, see girls? They're totally nice guys! Showing the band backstage emphasizes that they are normal, down-to-earth, and that rock stardom hasn't gone to their heads. They make jokes with each other, eat food, and so on.

The Crüe again don't take this one as far as other bands do -- while they are shown before the show, we don't see the usually inevitable shots of the band sitting around looking exhausted in bathrobes after, or spraying each other with beer and/or grooming products. However, since it is the Crüe, we do see Vince Neil kissing pinup posters set up backstage.

A related cliche (3A?) is the First-Person Camera -- in behind-the-scenes footage, band members will look straight at the camera, react to it, etc. In this case, Tommy Lee gestures to the camera to follow him out onto the stage.



Power Ballad Video Cliche #4: Mood Lighting What would the power ballad be without mood lighting? You need to let the audience know that you're going to slow things down a little, so it's a good time to get out the lighters (a key element of mood lighting) and start groping your date, your friend, or whomever has passed out next to you. A blue gel over a spotlight will do wonders for your lead singer! It will also help anyone who has a music video blog twenty-odd years later to identify what footage in your video is of you actually performing this song.

Power Ballad Video Cliche #5: Footage of Band Sweatin' and Rockin' As referenced above, much concert footage in power ballad videos tends to be of the band performing songs that are clearly not ballads. Sometimes we know this from an inadvertent shot of a teleprompter or clearly read lips, but mostly we know this from all of the guitar swinging, over-emotive facial expressions, jumping around, thrashing about, and sweating.

Why all the footage that's not of this song? Because remember folks, no matter how many make claims that power ballads were written solely to gain a female audience, a genre of music this invested in masculinity has not forgotten about the guys. It's a little reminder -- we may not be rockin' right at this moment, but it's just because we need a break from all that rockin' we're doing the rest of the time. Plus the contrast with the slower music makes it look like you're rocking all the harder!

Power Ballad Video Cliche #6: Women Get On the Stage Not only does this showcase the irresistibility of your lead singer, it's also a handy technique for getting women backstage. Because really, where do you think those roadies are carrying them off to? You think they're being tossed out of the arena? Um no. I mean think about it. How'd they get onstage in the first place? Those giant security guards really couldn't contain a pair of 110-pound women? Hopefully the band got security something as a thank-you gift.



Power Ballad Video Cliche #7: Band Members React to Sexy Fans Nothing says you care about your fans like editing together some footage to make it appear that band members are reacting to specific things fans do. Yes, the Crüe does it quite a bit raunchier than most bands, but they're the Crüe. In this case, footage of Nikki Sixx making a come-hither gesture is implicated in causing the lifting of a female fan's one-shoulder, snake-print top (her arms are straight up in the air, so she's not as implicated here). Oh wait, except for the fact that Vh-1 uses this particular shot in every show they do that's even tangentially related to metal, the 80s, or women, so this gal's concert flashing has been immortalized. The Crüe add an extra twist to this by following that with what appears (via the magic of editing) to be a reaction from Tommy.

Power Ballad Video Cliche #8: Wholesome Fans Sing Along It's not all flashing and lascivious tongue gestures out there in the audience. No power ballad video is complete without footage of utterly wholesome-looking female fans (think 15ish-years-old, applied eyeliner in arena bathroom just before show, mom picking up after) singing along with the song's chorus. "Home Sweet Home" establishes this as an integral shot in the power ballad video arsenal.

Power Ballad Video Cliche #9: Male Fans Scream If you're a guy, how are you going to get yourself into a power ballad video? Screaming, screaming, and more screaming. As this video proves, particularly during the most frenetic part of the guitar solo, it is important to have a shot of a male fan who appears to be engaging in some kind of deep, primal scream. You want a guy who looks like he's about to turn into the Hulk, so intensely moved is he by the intensity of the guitar solo.



Power Ballad Video Cliche #10: The Big Finale Thanks no doubt in large part to "Home Sweet Home," power ballad videos tend to be strikingly similar in their conclusions. Pyro! Particularly sparks falling from the ceiling. Shot in black and white, gosh, they almost look moody (we don't see this here since they're in color, but this is a favorite shot in Bon Jovi videos). The band members all put their arms around each other and bow -- this is always shot from behind, so we can see the gratitude of the crowd. And last, we get a reprisal of the lead singer bathed in blue light, and all the lighter action. Since in case you forgot, this is a power ballad.

If you want to see the progeny of this video, it's out there in spades. Even though power ballad videos would go on to branch out in more narrative-oriented directions, the "life on the road is so tough"-slash-"we rock so hard" power ballad video originated here really has some serious legs. Just look at "I Won't Forget You." Or "When the Children Cry." Or "Living on a Prayer." Or "Alone Again." Or fill-in-the-blank-with-your-own-favorite-power-ballad-video.

P.S.: As I noted a while ago on Twitter, for the record I wrote this post before seeing Hot Tub Time Machine. (I know, kind of obvious since it's not in theaters yet, but full disclosure: I saw a preview screening a week ago.) I write the posts several weeks ahead, so everything except this little post-script I wrote back in January. Anyway though -- the main reason I bring this up is because if you liked this post, hell, if you read this post, there's very good chance you will like this movie. Or at least, even if you aren't feeling the whole thing, there are some parts of it you will frickin' love. I promise.

Mötley Crüe, "Live Wire"

This Video Is MADE OF WIN

THE VIDEO Mötley Crüe, "Live Wire," Too Fast for Love, 1981, Elektra

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SAMPLE LYRIC "'Cause I'm alive! / Liiiiiive wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-re! / 'Cause I'm alive! / I'm a liiiiiiiive wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-re!"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION The video opens with an image reminiscent of Scooby-Doo (for me, anyway) -- a semi-transparent, floating skull with a pentagram drawn in red on its forehead floating in front of a lit candelabra. This disappears, and the camera slides over to the right to capture the hand of Mick Mars at the guitar. We then see the hand of Nikki Sixx beckoning before his bass.

We see Mick's hands again, then we see Tommy Lee pound twice quickly on the drums. Next Mick finally gets a shot with his face in it, then Tommy points from atop his drum kit. Then it flashes back and forth between Mick playing guitar and Nikki holding his scary-looking bass behind his head. Before Vince Neil has even jumped down into the dry ice fog, we already know: This video is going to RÄWWWWWWWWWWWWWK.

Vince immediately begins shaking his platinum mane, and then we see Tommy from above. He has a gong behind his drums, so get ready (okay, he doesn’t actually use it). Vince and Nikki jump around a little, and Mick looks scary (duh) as Vince begins to sing. Vince is wearing red leather pants and a matching red leather vest with two large, studded belts, one has black and the other is like all studs. He's also got on multiple studded wrist and arm bands, as well as little fingerless leather gloves that say "Mötley Crüe" on them in the original style which he also wears in "Looks That Kill." Vince shakes his hips in a way that almost makes you forget how he'll look in a few years. But not quite.

Vince also moves around a lot and appears to sing every single word, so yeah, a lot of things are different. In a few of the shots, you can see that there's a big "Mötley Crüe" sign somewhere in back, but only the word "Crüe" (again, done in the original logo style) is visible toward the right. This video has a bunch of mostly red lights in it, and often Vince's hair seems kind of glow-y, but for the most part it's real dark. Also, forgot to mention, Vince has a big choker-style leather necklace on with something hanging from it. It may be more than one, actually.



After a long time of Vince (hey, they wanted him to be the face of the band, after all), we see Nikki. He maybe has some reddish streaks in his hair, and is super pale with bright red lipstick. He's wearing a sleeveless leather top with some chains across the front, big studded black leather fingerless gloves, red leather pants heavily draped with bondage-style chains, and black thigh-high boots.

We then quickly see Mick (who's mostly obscured throughout the video, he's wearing all black though) and Tommy. Tommy's sitting down for the duration of the video, but on his upper half he's wearing a torn, sleeveless fishnet top. Also, in case I forget to mention the obvious: Not a lot of tattoos at this point.

Vince gets really into things! Wow, this video is like a piece of living history. Even Mick hoists his guitar aloft for a moment. Mick has on his scary black cheekbone makeup, which he shows off by making a mean pouty face. We then get an overhead shot of Tommy, who by later standards is barely in this video at all. Mick makes more badass faces, then Nikki actually windmills on his bass a la Pete Townsend. With the build-up to the second verse, Vince makes emphatic movements with his mic, and Nikki continues to emphasize how hard he is rocking by headbanging with his entire upper body. Tommy wails on the drums, and Vince leans in toward Mick as he starts singing again.

Just like with the first verse, we mostly focus on Vince while he sings. He struts around with his mic like a real effing star, it must be said. He also emphasizes his vocals with a lot of, well, pointing, and sometimes he also points with his pinky to make the Dio symbol. Vince sings the awesome lead-in to the chorus with lots of pointing, then we see Nikki, Tommy, and Mick again, but for like two seconds each. It's mostly Vince screaming "I'm a liiiiiiiiiiive wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-rrrre!"



Next up it's the weird break, which Vince signals by sweeping his arm across his body and the lighting crew signals by switching from red lights to blue. Shots of the different band members playing fade into each other as the guitar kind of goes all sludgy for a second. Vince briefly channels David Johansen (this is a major compliment coming from me), then for whatever reason we see a green-lit, heavily-lipsticked Tommy Lee struggling against chains. He uses the Dio symbol to try to break them. This fades into a shot of a green-lit Vince lowering a blazing torch.

At this point, the real Vince begins to scream as the song starts to rock out again. Vince makes the Dio symbol with both hands as fire explodes on either side of him, leading in to what was at that time Mötley Crüe's biggest gimmick: Lighting Nikki's pants on fire. If it weren't for this video, it'd be just another anecdote in The Dirt.

Nikki hoists his bass aloft whilst his pants and boots burn. We then see Vince's hands grabbing either end of a "Live Wire," as he brings them together there's a big flash of green light. It also causes a lot more fog to appear, and when I say a lot I mean a lot. When they go to a wider shot, you can still see Vince, but you can't tell Nikki and Mick apart! (Note: Reading this for the second time, I'm not quite sure why I felt the exclamation point was necessary, but I'll let it stand anyway.)

Even though flashpots continue to spew flames in the background, the fog clears and you can clearly see Vince prancing around and Nikki and Mick leaning against each other up on the drum risers (this is also probably the most Mick's moved in any of their videos). The song only gets more badass as it nears it's conclusion: Vince sings super fast (and still gets all the words), Tommy drums wildly, and Nikki pounds his bass with his fist. Mick even gets in on the act, not so much spitting blood as sort of having a bunch of blood fall out of his mouth.



For the last two little start-stop things in the song, which are more exaggerated than the ones at the beginning, we first get Vince making a cheekbone-emphasizing pout while whipping his head around to the left, twice. Mick makes dramatic faces with his blood, and Vince flails back and forth with his mic stand. For the last one (the one with cowbell), Tommy even does his mouth open, one hand behind head thing!

Vince, Nikki, and Mick, work their way to the center of the stage to strike a pose just as the screen begins to shrink and spin off into the distance, leaving us with a still image of the album cover with a little picture showing the band silhouetted (sort of like how they are in the very beginning of "Too Young to Fall in Love") in the bottom left-hand corner.

THE VERDICT Um, it must be obvious by now, right? This video frickin' rules. I love it. I am having trouble finding any sort of fault with it at all. I guess maybe Nikki hasn't reached his maximum potential hotness yet, he’s still saving that for "Dr. Feelgood."

That's really it though. This video is like an amazing time capsule into the history of the Crüe. I mean, imagine if a video like this existed for Guns N Roses? "Sweet Child O' Mine" is like as studio as it gets ("Concept Version 1" my ass). While this video doesn't have a like insane lack of production values, it still gives you this look at the band's sort of original aesthetic. It's also (to my knowledge) the only video off of Too Fast For Love, so it's the only one where you get the original Crüe sound, which is really, really different from where they wind up later. It's just so raw sounding, I friggin' love it.

I also love the pentagrams and all red/black color scheme, which only really lasts through Shout at the Devil. Nikki still does it for Theatre of Pain, but by then Tommy and Mick are in all-black and Vince is having his brief dalliance with white and pink. Theatre of Pain is however where Nikki begins a multi-album flirtation with polka dots, which I adore. He looks so glam! But oh yeah, this video. Well, it was awesome.

Mötley Crüe, "Looks That Kill"

Possibly the Quintessential 80s Metal Video

THE VIDEO Mötley Crüe, "Looks That Kill," Shout at the Devil, 1983, Elektra

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SAMPLE LYRIC "She's got the looks that kill! / that kiiiiiiiiiii-iiiiillllllllllllllllllll / she's got the looks that kill! / that kiiiiiiiiiii-iiiiillllllllllllllllllll / [she's! got! the! looks! that kill! / she's! got! the! looks! that kill!]"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION Wide-eyed women dressed in pseudo-futuristic cave gear appear behind a wall of rock. They look back and forth rapidly in a manner similar to that of my dog when she thinks I might drop food, then begin to climb over the wall. Clad in rags, the two (a brunette followed by a blonde) join several more in a small, rocky clearing and appear ready to begin some kind of interpretive dance.

We cut away from them to see the four members of the Crüe, backlit and holding torches which then spark and light themselves. As the torches begin to burn, we see the light reflected on the faces of the women, who begin to panic. Okay, or make panicked expressions. The Mötley boys break from their poses and bring the torches down lower (lighting their faces a little) and begin waving them around. This causes the women to break it down like a bunch of Sarah Lawrence dance majors, if you see what I'm saying. They all stand together in a group and collapse while making jazz hands. As they do so, the camera zooms up and right toward a particular blonde.

Nikki Sixx walks down a hallway that's part rock, part the kind of railing used in high schools and Miami condos. Cut to Vince Neil, seen almost over the shoulder as he checks out some rocks with his torch. Next Tommy Lee, who appears to be somewhere a bit darker and spookier, kind of swivels his hips and makes an assertive hand gesture. Mick Mars, as per usual, gets the shaft.

Turns out Tommy was signaling the rest of the gang to wave their torches at the ladies, causing them to scatter somewhat artfully. Nikki squats and brandishes his torch as the women scream, Vince keeps them moving, then Tommy performs a lift with an especially supply young lass, spinning her around on his hip a la Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing.

As the Crüe advance, even Mick gets in on the action. They eventually corral the women into a well, corral and continue holding up their torches while they fence them in. For reasons unclear, we then watch each torch being carefully secured to a fencepost.



Their audience in place, the boys proceed to rock. First we see Vince, looking the fittest he's ever looked in his life. It's not just the painted-on lavender cheekbones, in this rare case Neil is actually in fantastic shape. He's wearing a Mötley Crüe headband in his platinum locks, some kind of studded choker, and a silver and red studded um... it looks like a shoulder holster. He also has on many studded arm and wristbands plus little black fingerless gloves.

We check out Tommy briefly and next clearly see Nikki, in that classic shot of him rolling his head back and bugging his eyes out. He's wearing a skinny black headband plus a black studded dog collar, and he's also got on big earrings with crosses hanging from them and red and white cords of some description coming out of his hair. His top is very Road Warriors and also very The Road Warrior, with spiky shoulder pads and ripped stockings on his arms. He's got on his classic Shout at the Devil makeup too, with black streaks across both cheeks and red lips. The more faces he makes, the more dry ice they pile on behind him.

Next we see Mick. His hair is teased to perfection as he brandishes his guitar, and he's wearing a black shiny shirt with torn up sleeves. He also has on a headband (red, to match his lips), and extra-creepy fake cheekbones drawn on. Then we finally sort of clearly see Tommy. He's headbanging away so he's a little hard to make out, but he's wearing a red and black striped studded shirt, a white headband, lots of makeup (eyeliner, lipstick, and the requisite bdouble cheek stripe).

The women look on in agony, one of them even bent over on the ground. The camera zooms in on her dirty hand, then moves over to some reflective liquid above which stand the Crüe, who are all wearing high-heeled boots a la Kiss. The camera moves upward till Nikki, Vince, and Mick (all singing) come more clearly into view. The camera then pulls back, revealing that they're playing in a rubble-strewn, concrete area bounded by fog and what looks like gasoline spilled on the ground but is probably just paint or something.

Vince writes around almost stripper-like, enjoying his fleeting hotness, as the band rocks out. The camera then pans up Nikki as he bangs his head, showing off his torn-to-pieces black shirt. Very bondage chic. Vince does a very David Lee Roth-esque spin, then as he sings "the clock strikes midnight," Tommy hits a big bell. We watch Tommy drum very enthusiastically for a moment, then see Nikki making more cool faces.



After a shot of Tommy from above, Vince sets aside his mic and he, Nikki, and Mick approach the cage. They taunt the women and again, the gals make the faces my dog makes while I'm eating popcorn. Vince regains his mic as a wind machine kicks up, and a better shot of Mick than we had before reveals that he's also wearing some serious leather strappage. Vince sticks his face in the cage, which makes them go nuts, and Nikki vamps some more.

Suddenly, a big square thing appears, surrounded by tons of fog. The wind blows back Vince's majestic mane and causes tumbleweed to roll across the ground. Blocks of crap fall out of the sky, and a piece of fabric falls onto one of the women's face. Lights flash as all the women in the cage thrash about, then as one of them looks up, screaming, the block begins to fall away to reveal... Tia Carrere! No, it's Kimora Lee Simmons!

No, I don't know who it is, but basically it's like the queen babe. She has giant black hair and is wearing an enormous headpiece, a costume that reminds me of the one chick in He-Man, and is carrying a large shield. She also has like a crossbow type thing attached to her left arm. The band backs off and the women scream as she jumps down and poses. She uses her wrist thing to shoot a ton of sparks at the band, but Mick catches it with his guitar.

This greatly displeases the babe leader, and she makes a scary face. Mick, however, makes the most guitar face I've ever seen him make. Next, the babe pulls one of the torches off of the fence, throwing it onto a pile of rocks which it inexplicably ignites. She then sets the other women free, and they jump off and frolic about like extras in Cats. Nikki makes guitar faces in front of the fire, but it's all in vain, they've already been freed.

Two of the women kneel and hand their leader her shield. They then run away modern-dance style as she raises her wrist thing again. Before she can hit them though, Tommy's bass drum launches a giant spinning pentagram at her. It lands in the middle of her shielf, causing all of its points to shoot out sparks. As the sparks die, Vince tries to approach her but she shuns his advances. She looks over her shoulder coyly and leads him to wall, which she leans against, but when he tries to put his hand to her face she jerks away from him and smacks him in the face.

She saunters away and winds up in a room with a black and pink floor and walls on either side of foot-long spikes with lots and lots of fog coming out between them. Nikki and Tommy appear on either side of her, blocking her way out, but then she lays back on the spikes. As they reach in and grab her, she sinks into the spikes then slides down, evading their grasp. They turn and look after her as she crouches and then leaps sideways on all fours.



She then looks surprised, and we see Mick making a scream-y face, then Tommy looking pensive, then Vince pouting, and lastly Nikki bugging his eyes. Yes, it's move Poison will perfect -- showing every member of your band just when the video's about to end in a 'meet the band' sequence -- and yes, I frickin' love it. We then go from Nikki playing to Tommy drumming to Vince and Mick singing (even though he gets cut out of a lot of the action in this video, Mick still is like 10x as active in this video as he is in any other Crüe vid).

From overhead, we see the boys all join hands, encircling the head babe. They raise their fists, causing blue light and white smoke to pour in. The band are immersed in both momentarily, then their images fade away to reveal a flaming pentragram on the ground. The pentagram continues to glow as we see Nikki and Vince singing, then we begin zooming in toward it as we see Tommy drumming and finally, Vince and Mick singing before the screen behind the pentagram goes black.

THE VERDICT Clearly, I needed an antidote to my recent overexposure to Winger, and what better solution than some SATD-era Mötley Crüe. It's the best of times, isn't it? They still retain the all red and black leather all the time look of Too Fast For Love, but their signature sound is fully in place. So hot. I mean, they look great up until about "Dr. Feelgood," but this is definitely their best. And honestly, I find the pseudo-satanic thing suits them well. It's a little bit badass, but since they don't take it as far as W.A.S.P., it's just a style thing, not a way of life.

And this video has it all. Women are imprisoned, then attack. Costumes reference both Les Mis and Mad Max, two heavy metal classics. Also, tbe fight scene where their music helps them launch their attack is incomparable. I love it!

Not to mention the women in the video. I don't know who was directing them, but props to that person. Compared to these gals, the extras in "Rock You Like a Hurricane" were frickin' asleep. Between all the wild eyes, the jazz hands, and the ballet-inspired leaping about, there's nothing these girls can't do. I hope they at least got to make out with P.A.'s.

Mötley Crüe, "Too Young to Fall in Love"

What Up Ninjas

THE VIDEO Mötley Crüe, "Too Young to Fall In Love," Shout at the Devil, 1983, Elektra

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SAMPLE LYRIC "Well you're killin' me / your love's a guillotine / why won't you just set me freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-ah / too young to fall in love / (I'm too young!) / too young to fall in love / (much too young!) / too young to fall in loooo-ooooove"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION Drunken sailors paw at a stumbling hooker while extras from a high school production of Les Miserables cavort in Mötley Crüe's creepy 80s meets Mad Max version of China (or possibly Chinatown). A little kid, and then a guy dressed possibly like a monk (or at least in a long robe) encounter one of them, an especially derelict-looking young girl sitting in the gutter.

While an unidentified person eats an unidentified food in a poorly lit room, the kid runs to go tell Nikki Sixx, who is with the rest of the crüe preening in front of wooden blinds. As the mötley lads stand up, ready to take action, we see that the person eating the whatever was actually the girl from the first scene, as the monk-style-dude abruptly announces that dinner's over, pulling her up from the table.

Meanwhile, the crüe's on the move, with Vince Neil (sorry Vince, but this story was priceless -- and it was the #2 link on Google) leading the others down the street from the opening shot in the best 80s meets West Side Story style I've seen since 'Love is a Battlefield.' They are possibly already too late though, as the monk dude is already leading her into much, much fancier rooms, where the doors open automatically to display an array of charming concubines. A fat dude in sunglasses comes out, briefly inspects the goods, then beckons her inward as the automatic doors close, leaving the monk dude outside (and not even paying him a commission!).

Mötley Crüe seem to have given up, as the guys have now taken a break to set up all of their equipment in the same street, and Vince is still crazy gyrating, though he's got nothing on Tommy Lee, who appears to be trying out for the part of Dr. Frank N. Furter as he drums. People talk all the time about guitar face, but seriously, Tommy takes top prize over anybody when it comes to uh, drum face.



As we go into the guitar solo, we're back in the fancy rooms, and at the center of all the concentric doors (sorry, I know I'm not describing these well, but since I don't know the proper architectural term nor do I want to fall back on catch-all terms like "Chinese style," I'm kind of at a loss here), we see the fellow hookers cleaning the main girl up by dumping a bucket of water on her, in a scene reminiscent of both Flashdance and, strangely, Coming to America. (Note that there's no actual parallel scene in the second movie visually, just the idea of exotically clad people err, washing each other).

But okay, the crüe's done messing around, as the little kid shows them into the kitchen. Tommy tries to pause to taste the unidentified food, but Vince is like, "dude, come on," so they keep going. As we reprise the song's opening, we finally get a good view of the old sunglasses dude as he sees the crüe appear in one of the rounded doorways. The girl comes out, now all cleaned up and brandishing a fan. With typical "Yaaaa!" "Hiyaaa!" sound effects, rather androgynous ninjas appear.

The crüe scatter, and as Vince dodges one's blows with his dance moves, Mick Mars dispatches his with a truly half-hearted kick (I know the guy's got a bad hip but come on, please! Okay, seriously though, even if he's a rat-looking bastard and all the stuff about ghost aliens or whatever in The Dirt was crazy, Mick's a total sweetie). Vince gets rid of his ninja foe by kind of shoving the guy's sword back toward him, and Nikki utilizes a similar move. Tommy, however, opts for the classic bitch slap (replete with sound effects).

Their job here apparently done, the boys reunite in the doorway, and for whatever reason it is revealed to us that both the old man and the young girl have on the little two strokes of cheek war paint so often favored by the crüe members, particularly Tommy (as well as Adam Ant). As each bit of face art is revealed, a gong is struck (why?). Nikki makes a "pff, whatever" face and waves like he totally doesn't care, Mick shakes his head and walks off, Vince kind of shrugs and walks away, while Tommy poses for significantly longer (internal monologue: "Dude, I'm the hottest member of this band! I mean I'm married to Heather friggin' Locklear").



The band members move briskly back through the kitchen, brushing themselves off, and at last Tommy gets to try the mystery dish -- or so he thinks. A knife-brandishing ninja (possibly the monk dude from the beginning, but this video has barely any light in it so its hard to tell) takes a swing at him from behind, but Tommy takes him out by swinging a sack of something and hitting him right in the gut. As he finally tastes said mystery food, he makes a face ("Eew!") and spits it out (and yeah, we get to hear him spit), then leaves. The video ends with another gong sound, as the crüe make devil horns and throw gang signs, safely stationed once again before their backlit window shade.

THE VERDICT Okay. So we've got a street urchin recruited for a life of prostitution, and a little boy who tells the band to come rescue her (or something). Because then yeah, the rescue just involves fighting some ninjas, comparing makeup, and then leaving -- they totally don't rescue her. And thought they're "too young to fall in love," they don't seem to be in love with her. And if she's "too young" to be forced into pseudo-sexual slavery, then why don't they save her? Even though the little kid is standing with them again at the end, you can imagine Nikki sort of punching him in the arm like, "dude, that was so not worth it!"

It's kind of the same thing with the song (and in actuality yes, this is one of my favorite Mötley Crüe songs -- if you're going to love this stuff in the first place, you can't be too picky about whose lyrics are more or less misogynistic than others). The lyrics involve a lot of weird, pointless comparisons ("you say our love is like dynamite / open your eyes, it's like fire and ice"). Vince says this unnamed person's love is killing him, her "love's a [metaphorical] guillotine" from which he implores her to set him free, but then by the next verse, it's no longer a metaphor (or a simile -- sorry, I'm not so hot on these things now that I'm out of school). "Now I'm killing you / watch your face turn blue" -- uh, whoa! When did that happen? Weird, if you ask me (and also much more explicit than these things usually get, no matter what the PMRC may have claimed back in the day).

So yeah, in the end, this is a tough call. The video (like the song itself) almost has a narrative, but it doesn't quite work out. This does definitively place it in between older, essentially non-narrative videos ("Live Wire") and later, more explicitly narrative videos ("Dr Feelgood") -- somewhat of a reversal of the trend we see with most other bands, who go from heavily scripted to (what at least are made to look like) more unscripted videos. All I can say is CRRüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüE!