Bon Jovi, "Livin' on a Prayer"

Are We Halfway There Yet?  

THE VIDEO Bon Jovi, "Livin' on a Prayer," Slippery When Wet, 1986, Mercury 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Whooooooooa! / We're halfway they-ere! / Whooooooooa-ohhhh! / Livin' on a pray-air!" 

THE VERDICT Now those in the know usually give credit to the chart success of Quiet Riot's Metal Health for breaking metal with a mainstream audience. But I would estimate that a great many more claim Slippery When Wet as metal's watershed moment with the broader U.S. audience. 

Why choose JBJ over QR? Well, let's face it, Kevin DuBrow (RIP) was never a contender versus Jon Bon Jovi in the looks department. (That said, I'd take Carlos Cavazo over Richie Sambora any day.) So that's probably part of it. 

But what else is it? Well, "Livin' on a Prayer" gives us some ideas. 

For one, there's the song itself. They've brought in a serious hitman, Desmond Child, who I've ruminated about at length already. Suffice to say that yes, you do usually get what you pay for in the super-producer department. 

But two, with this tale of Tommy and Gina, Bon Jovi take a page directly from fellow Jerseyite (Jerseyan?) The Boss, and we already know it's a page that works. Stories about down on their luck (it's tough) New Jerseyers are gold, nay, platinum even. Now for Bruce Springsteen, who I absolutely freakin' love, the stories are usually enough on their own. 

I mean, don't even get me started on "The River." That song makes me cry my eyes out just thinking about it. It is so, so good, and so, so sad. I remember in high school I was on this long college road trip with my mom, and we'd been listening to The Boss' greatest hits CD on repeat. I kept skipping "The River" every time it came up, 'cause it made me cry. But finally she was like, "Don't skip it, I really like this song, it's not a big deal. The people in the song aren't even real." 

 

So I read the liner notes in the little CD book, where he kind of told the story of each song, and found out the song was about his brother-in-law and sister. Oh man, I cried harder than ever. Suffice to say I did not get into the next college where I interviewed, with my red, watery eyes and puffy face. They probably thought I was suffering from some kind of intense college application stress or something (when in reality I didn't really care at all, it's just that "The River" is really sad!).

 

Anyway. 

As Jon has revealed to people's surprise (really?), Tommy and Gina are not real people (this is surprising how?). Doesn't really matter here though. All we care about is that they're gonna make it, and they've got loads of keyboards and a talk box (which I think of as a Peter Frampton Machine) to help them along. 

Even more than the song though, I think it's this video (and the constant airplay it received) that just exploded Bon Jovi all over the place. I mean, it's not like they hadn't made albums (and videos) before this. But it's with this one that all the elements that will make up many future Bon Jovi videos — and many other metal videos — fall into place. 

One, there's the guys themselves. Most of the video is sort of "behind the scenes" footage as they set up, and we see them as fun, goofy, friendly guys. David Bryan plays Alec John Such's guitar, JBJ and Richie constantly mug at each other, only Tico Torres is kind of relegated to the background. 

Two, Jon has really solidified his look with this video, and it's about to get copied all over the place. I think the element that's here now, and was really missing in their previous videos, is his long leather duster jacket, with all the medallions and fringe and stuff. Suddenly, these things (which seem like they'd be kind of hot temperature-wise and awkward to wear) become metal must-haves. 

But the other thing that's interesting is the extent to which Bon Jovi have changed their look to transform themselves into the (long-haired) boys next door. As pretty as Jon is, they aren't a very glam-looking band. Jon's coat aside, they are actually wearing pretty normal guy clothes for the time — concert tees and fitted jeans. They're much less colorful looking than they were in say, "In and Out of Love." 

So it's a weird paradox — while on the one hand, their sound is as pop and commercial as can be, they're actually among the first of the more glam or lyrical groups to really tone down their wardrobes. If I had to guess whether this helped their popularity with the non-metal-fan U.S. audience I'd have to say um yeah, it did.

 

The other thing they've done in this video is seriously upped their production values. I don't know what it is about slightly blue-tinted black and white, but it takes everything from looking like it was being shot on the cheap to looking like it's all part of some insanely gorgeous documentary. Slow down the footage just ever-so-slightly for bonus points. 

Unlike all the serious black-and-white in like, "Wanted Dead or Alive" though, here it's all fun. Particularly because Jon, Alec, and I'm assuming Richie too are strapped into harnesses allowing them to fly out over the audience. This makes room for even more shots of them goofing around, as they try out the harnesses and joke with the technicians who are strapping them in. 

And then, of course, we get the big punch at the end — when with the biggest "WHOA!", suddenly we're in color and there's a live, very sweaty audience. 

We might also notice that it's a very male audience. Why? See, even though Bon Jovi might be threatening everyone's manliness with all those power ballads, by toning down the colorful clothes and makeup, it's still all good. You can be a hetero dude and listen to "Never Say Goodbye." 

In this sense, I think Bon Jovi hit upon a magic formula several beats before a lot of other really big bands did (though eventually they would become almost notorious for having a heavily female audience, because of course you know that's a bad thing smh). 

Okay anyway, before I get all into deconstructing the gender dynamics of heavy metal's listenership (as someone who regularly gets asked things like whether I'm buying that Slayer button for my boyfriend, I could do this all day), why this video now? Well, 'cause school's starting today for me, and I'm feeling more than a little bit beaten down. 

And if Jon and the boys screaming "Whooa-ohhhh!" in ever-higher registers is what does it for me right now, so be it. Also wait, whoa, ("Whooa-ohhhh!" even) — I just realized something. This is my 150th post. (It's only my 149th video though, thanks to my double-dipping on "Estranged.") Still though, dang, that's a lot of videos! And there's still so many more to go. I guess I'm gonna be livin' on a pray-air in more ways than one.

 

Kix, "Blow My Fuse"

Hometown Heroes  

THE VIDEO Kix, "Blow My Fuse," Blow My Fuse, 1988, Atlantic 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Blow my fuse! / (Hey hey!) You got nothin' to lose / Blow my fuse! / I need a good shot, I can't give it to you" 

THE VERDICT Okay, I know I swore last week that I would stop mailing it in. But please, guys, you've got to cut me some slack. I know it's summer, but I'm actually busier than ever, and even though my normal M.O. is to write posts weeks in advance, at some point I caught up with myself, and now here we are. That said, I figured a not-quite-as-insanely-detailed-as-usual post was better than no post, so here's Kix. 

I've got to tell you — back when all I really knew of Kix was "Don't Close Your Eyes," I was like, they're fine but, eh. Now that I'm much more familiar with the entire Kix oeuvre, I've got to say, they are like the best bar band you've never heard. 

I mean yes, they sure do love to use sex metaphors that involve electricity and explosives, so much so that it's kind of weird. I mean if you really listen to this song, it's basically saying "short circuit me in bed." Is this a good idea? 

Sure, in the short term, I guess. But have Steve Whiteman et al. really thought through all these blown fuses? Then again, I guess they can just light a candle and like, go get a replacement at the hardware store, so. (Though what that would mean in terms of sexual metaphor, I'm not really sure.) 

ANYWAY. I bring up the bar band thing 'cause this video, even though it's from an album pretty far down the line in Kix's career, is more or less a testament to the band's longstanding local following and tireless gig-playing in and around Baltimore. I think the girl at the beginning holding the Maryland "KIX FAN" license plate pretty much sums it up. 

I mean, what do you think of when you think of Baltimore? The Wire. Syphilis. Kix. 

This video is split between two basic things going on. The more interesting footage, to my mind, is of Kix hanging out in and around Baltimore. Apparently they are mainly in a part of Baltimore known as "The Block" — apparently a stretch of East Baltimore Street that's mostly strip clubs and related stuff.

   

In any event, in this video we see a lot of stuff that's hard to identify (a diner and a peep palace, in particular), but we also see prominently the signs for several establishments, most notably the Midway Bar, but also the Two O' Clock Club (which has an adorably retro sign for a strip club), the subtly-named Club Pussy Cat,  and a couple others. 

In these montages, which all take place at night, we basically see the members of Kix hanging out in these different haunts, or in most cases, loitering outside them. They interact colorfully with the locals, who seem to consist of old men in various hats (knit cap, captain's hat), and then just a constant stream of moderately attractive women in high-waisted miniskirts and giant earrings. Hey, it was 1988. That's probably what I'd have been wearing had I had more say in my wardrobe back then. 

And speaking of wardrobes... ooh, they taunt me with visions of a "Blow My Fuse" t-shirt in this video. If you read this regularly, you know I collect vintage metal tees, and man, in all my searching I've never run across a Kix tee. I'd be so stoked to find one. 

I actually just got back from a trip (the zillionth reason I'm behind on blogging) where I got a 1992 Slaughter The Wild Life tee (inexpensive and not too exciting) and a 1985 Mötley Crüe Theatre of Pain tee (very expensive and very exciting). I can't even imagine finding a Kix shirt though. 

Actually, there's a bunch of Kix merch in this video. At one point, Steve has on sort of round John Lennon sunglasses that have the Kix logo on the lenses, and I think he may have a Kix backpatch on the back of the denim vest he's wearing. 

I should point out that, as always, Kix look amazing in this video. This is a band that has incredible style, and it seems to come so naturally— they all kind of go in different directions, from t-shirts to sheer blouses, and yet it all works. 

Oh wait, duh, I should mention — this is what like, the bulk of the video is like, it's Kix playing live. Based on the size of the venue and how unbelievably enthusiastic the crowd is, I'd guess they're in Baltimore and this was a fan club call-out type deal to recruit audience members. I mean these people are stoked to see Kix, and they don't look like they're just waiting for them to play "Don't Close Your Eyes." Trust me, if that's the only Kix song you know, you're missing out — and not just on all the weird electricity sex metaphors.

2020 UPDATE: I'm trying hard not to annotate these, but given how much I go on about it above — I had totally forgotten about that whole t-shirt digression I wrote there, but I now totally own a Kix "Blow My Fuse" t-shirt. It's not the one from the video, but it's similar. It's the most recently-added shirt in my collection (my vintage-shirt-energy has long since waned, though I still have my entire collection except for my Tesla tee which I am supermad I don't have anymore). I found it at a Goodwill in 2015 in NWOT condition. It didn't have a copyright date on it, and I was like... this has to be repro, right? But then I thought, "who the heck is making reproduction vintage Kix tees?" And indeed, upon further inspection of the fabric, tag, and printing, yeah — it's a legit vintage Kix tee. Glad I managed to make that (admittedly forgotten) dream come true! 

Europe, "The Final Countdown"

Ground Control to Major Tempest  

THE VIDEO Europe, "The Final Countdown," The Final Countdown, 1986, Epic 

SAMPLE LYRIC "It's the final kee-yount-down / [lots of signature keyboard riff] / the final kee-yount-down / [still more keyboards]" 

THE VERDICT Okay people, I'm warning you now: This post goes severely off-topic, even for me. 

Well, actually technically it's not off-topic — I mean, it is all relevant to "The Final Countdown" in one way or another. But do I actually talk about the video? Umm... let's see. 

I honestly could not be happier that at this point in history, this song is firmly associated with pompous weirdos. Seriously, there could be no greater tribute to Joey Tempest et al. but for this to be more or less the theme song for Gob Bluth, as masterfully played by Will Arnett on the dear, departed Arrested Development. 

If you are the one person left who hasn't seen this show, what are you waiting for. Do it before the movie comes out and inevitably leaves us all with a funny taste in our mouths. I'm not saying it's going to be Sex and the City II bad, just that with this much build-up, it's going to have to be like, well, I don't even know what in order to appease the fans. 

Then again, oh snap — "The Final Countdown" was also Bryan Danielson aka Daniel Bryan's intro music in ROH. What, WWE wouldn't pony up for that one? Then again, I guess "The Ride of the Valkyries" is a little more, you know, classy. But still, I would sing along with him! Plus I feel like it would allow them to play up his awesome angle as sort of an accidental ladies' man. 

Anyway. "The Final Countdown." Why are we here? I had kind of wanted to save this one until I had something I was counting down to, but eventually I didn't feel like waiting. This is mainly because I recently purchased Singstar 80s — yes, the karaoke video game — and it's got "The Final Countdown" on there, and so now I have it pretty much permanently stuck in my head. 

Sadly, this is more or less the only metal or even metal-ish song on that game— there's no Poison or anything (that said, I think I have "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" on not one but two other karaoke games). They do a weird job with it, too — there's not enough singing at the beginning, so they make you sing along with the keyboard. "Da da da da, dadadadat-da!" over and over again. 

But singing "The Final Countdown" does force you to remember what a totally bizarre song it is. You sometimes forget when you're listening to it, 'cause Joey's weird screechy voice is really easy to hear as nonsense syllables, but this song actually has a plot.

 

It's about a manned space mission to Venus. I guess you could see it as a sort of internal monologue for the astronauts. Supposedly Joey Tempest copied the premise directly from was inspired by "Space Oddity." (Which was inspired by 2001 — how far back can we trace this thing?) But trust, this is no heir even to "Major Tom (Coming Home)". Possibly though it is an heir to First Spaceship on Venus. 

Okay really though, this is interesting. So Stanley Kubrick directs 2001: A Space Odyssey, which is written by Arthur C. Clarke, who based it partially on various pieces of short science fiction he'd written. That film inspires David Bowie to write "Space Oddity," which is a dialogue between "ground control" and "Major Tom." I guess he didn't want to call him "Major Dave" lest it seem like it was about himself? (Or maybe Hal said "I'm afraid I can't let you do that, David Bowie.") 

Somehow a lot of accounts mix Elton John's "Rocket Man" into this lineage, since they're sort of thematically similar. As a moment's Googling just told me though, my long-time intuition about that song was correct — "Rocket Man" is not a "Space Oddity" hanger-on but is indeed based on the Ray Bradbury story "The Rocket Man." 

Fun fact about me: I am not much of one for science fiction, but I have a deep affection for Ray Bradbury. I read The Illustrated Man, which includes "The Rocket Man", at my dad's suggestion when I was ten, and loooved it. I've read a lot more since, but it's still my favorite. 

In any event, Elton John's "Rocket Man" is on a separate mission from "Major Tom." However, he is not on a separate mission from the much less well-known song by the same name that apparently Bernie Taupin nabbed that song from. Sigh. Anyway, that "Rocket Man" was based on the Bradbury story, so we can still count it as separate from this whole "Major Tom" genealogy. 

Anyway, then we get the sort of beginning of the bad 80s genealogy. Bowie ushers in his 80s phase by releasing a second song referencing "Major Tom." Instead of a space hero, he's just a junkie. I'm sure it's a bunch of metaphors or whatever, but for me it's just like 80s David Bowie is not that good. 

From here though, it only gets cheesier with 1983's "Major Tom (Coming Home)." Oh wait, to clarify, we've now moved on from David Bowie to Peter Schilling. In any event, it offers much more specificity as to what the hell happened up in space, and seems to offer us a vision of Tom as peacefully reconciled to his own demise. Or sort of hallucinating at the end and believing his home to be in space. Whatever. 

All of this finally brings us to 1986, and Europe. Instead of just "Major Tom", now we've got a group of astronauts doing a sort of group internal monologue. The "her" in this one is Earth, not a wife and kids as in Bowie or Schilling. But Europe's major addition to the whole "Major Tom" mythology is his destination: Venus.

 

Venus? Really? I mean yes, it rhymes with "seen us." Now call me old-fashioned, but I am pretty sure "Mars" and "moon" rhyme with quite a few things, too. I mean Venus just does not seem hospitable. I remember learning all the different planets in third grade or so, and it was like well Mercury's close to the sun and way too hot. But then Venus is like, covered with poisonous gases. So why not, I don't know, the moon? It's right there. You're all bouncy on it. It's not crazy-hot. Plus given that all these songs are about the space program of the 1960s, the real-life objective was clearly the moon. 

But if Europe want to go all exotic, why not Mars? Mars does seem to be the one that people feel is most feasible. I can think of like, dozens of Bradbury stories that take place on Mars (I mean, The Martian Chronicles is more or less just Mars-related stories!). But I can only think of one that takes place on Venus — "The Long Rain," which is also in The Illustrated Man. Spoiler alert: It doesn't go too well for those astronauts. 

Mercifully, Europe don't have the last word in the "Major Tom" mythology — I'm sure there's actually much more of it than what I'm chronicling here, but I'm limited by what I know about. 

In any event, the most recent addition I can think of comes from one of my favorite TV shows, The Venture Brothers. In their first season and in what I still think is one of their finest episodes — "Ghosts of the Sargasso" — they basically do "Space Oddity." Masterfully, as always, it combines being hilarious and containing a plethora of pop-culture references with creating a complex, detailed world for the characters. 

"Major Tom" was sent to space by Dr. Jonas Venture, his wife remarried the "Action Man" (who then is revealed to be a member of Team Venture), and so on. Oh, and a lot of it is a combined homage to one of the earliest episodes of Jonny Quest ("Mystery of the Lizard Men," which also takes place in the Sargasso Sea) and to numerous episodes of various Scooby-Doo shows (all the ones featuring ghost pirates). I mean, how can I not love this? 

Hmm, wasn't there something I was supposed to be talking about? Ohhh right, the video, the video. 

Well. We basically see Europe performing live-ish (in their homeland of Sweden, by the way) interspersed with footage of their "control room", as well as shots of various places in Europe (the continent, not the band! There's likely also a lot of Sweden in there, but I'm bad at recognizing this stuff). A lot of the footage has old-school computer text — you know, green or yellow text on a black screen with a blinking box cursor — superimposed over it. 

But yeah, that's about it. I mean, unless you really want a lot of descriptions of Joey's flared nostrils, crazy perm, and Johnny Nitro necklace. But really, do you want that? Wasn't learning about all these weird songs related to "The Final Countdown" more worthwhile? Maybe?

Loudness, "Crazy Nights"

Tonight They're Gonna Rock You (Tonight)  

THE VIDEO Loudness, "Crazy Nights", Thunder in the East, 1985, Atco 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Rock n' roll crazy ni-iii-iiights / You are the heroes tonight! / Rock n' roll crazy ni-iii-iiights / You are the her-oooooooooooooo!" 

THE VERDICT Loudness are pretty amazing. They are in many ways like Japan's answer to Spinal Tap, which makes sense in a way since Tap find their pot of gold at the end of the rainbow touring the far east. 

But seriously, this video features so many Tap-esque cliches it's hard to even keep them all straight. Let's try. 

The clothing! I know, I always talk about what people are wearing. But I can't help it here. Loudness look like they got these outfits from one of those ads they used to have in Circus and Hit Parader that say like "Rock Star Clothes." I'm not making this up, these things used to exist! These companies sold like spandex, sleeveless Union Jack tees, and all manner of studded accessories. Let's review Loudness' apparel here. 

Vocalist Minoru Niihara is wearing a white leather vest over a sleeveless "rising sun" t-shirt — they totally sold those alongside the Union Jack tees! He also has on black pants. Most amazing though is that he has on basically white leather legwarmers that are turning his white sneakers into knee-high boots. You know who else rocked this look? Barbie, of Barbie and the Rockers. Yes, I totally had that doll (I think I've even talked about this before), and she had white faux-leather legwarmer things that you could put on her to transform her normal white Barbie heels into Rockers-esque boots. 

Guitarist Akira Takasaki has on a full-body suit of red spandex, with a large number of zippers, chains, etc. criss-crossing it. I think he was going for kind of a Nikki Sixx look, or maybe early Dokken. It's got shoulder pads, and separate arm bands — uhoh, I feel a digression about wrestling attire of the 1980s coming on! Don't worry, I'll fight it. This time. 

We don't see as much of bassist Masayoshi Yamashita, but he's got on a similar thing in black-and-white tiger stripes. I debated whether this was meant to be zebra or tiger stripes for a minute, but comparing it in my mind to the team-related apparel owned by a friend of mine who is a huge Bengals fan, I've come up with tiger.

 

We can really barely see the drummer, Munetaka Higuchi. It's kind of amazing — watch the whole video. He's in a zillion shots, yet they have almost always managed to line up the camera such that a cymbal is obscuring more or less his entire face. Munetaka doesn't once get to like make a pouty face for the camera, or wink, or point a drumstick at it, though he does get in some dramatic arm raises. In any event, I think he's wearing a black vest over a sleeveless tee, and maybe some kind of scarf, but it's a bit hard to tell. 

The lyrics "Crazy Nights" is astonishing in its sincerity and its focus on rocking. It seriously is like a love letter to nerdy metal fans: Come to our concert, here's what's going to happen, you will feel awesome. Shoot, they should have the Y&T robot get out on stage with them while they're at it! 

I think for me the best part of the lyrics is when Loudness proclaim "we're gonna do our best." Oh gosh, the sincerity is almost too much. 

Long story short, "Crazy Nights" is basically the Loudness version of "Tonight I'm Gonna Rock You (Tonight)." I mean yes, "Crazy Nights" is in no way sexual as "Tonight...," but it's a similar message: "Tonight I'm gonna rock ya, tonight I'm gonna rock ya, tonight." 

Wait, no: This is like the Loudness version of KISS' "Crazy, Crazy Nights." But oh snap. Loudness did it first! I know it kind of doesn't matter because "Crazy, Crazy Nights" is literally the worst song KISS ever made (I would rather listen to any other KISS song), but still. It's like come to our show, it's going to rock, you can let it all hang out here, etc., etc. KISS, I can't believe it. Did you seriously rip off Loudness? (I know, I know, probably not — but what is the internet for if not reckless speculations?)

Wall o' amps + guitar face Akira is seriously channeling Nigel Tufnel in this video. Loudness have set up gigantic walls of Marshall amps on either side of the stage which they use to good effect here, since besides some colored lights (and let's not forget the gong) they don't really have much happening onstage. In any event, Akira uses them the most, doing total rock star poses and making all kinds of guitar face in front of them. 

The gong! Who started the whole gong thing? Was it Neil Peart? I don't know the answer to this. But I remember reading a thing in Spin magazine years ago — I think it was in some kind of list issue — the gist of which was you can tell what kind of show you're in for just by looking at the drum kit. A gong behind the drummer meant it was about to rawk. 

This video doesn't disappoint in this regard, with a whole sequence of Munetaka banging the hell out of that gong. Yes, we can't actually hear it, but it looks cool. Even if writing about it is making me get the awful Power Station cover of "Get It On (Bang a Gong)" stuck in my head. Ughh.

 

It's Tap-tastic, right? Then again, there are aspects of this video that aren't as relevant to Spinal Tap that are still worth mentioning. The following aren't Tap-related, but I would be remiss to talk about this video without mentioning... 

The fans Do the people in this video even know they are in this video? And I don't mean the people doing the chanting (we'll get to them below). I mean the couple of throwaway shots they have of metal fans to try to convince us that Loudness are performing in front of an audience — this despite the fact that it could not be more obvious that they're not. 

There are a couple of versions of this video floating around — the performance parts remain the same, but the fan footage (and the chanters) change. In most though, you get to see a blurry, red-tinged shot of what appear to be a group of pre-teen-ish white boys with short hair sort of bopping along to the music. 

In others, you'll get to see a bunch of Japanese fans leaning over a railing. Trust that in either case these people are not watching Loudness perform as we see them during this video. But again, the bigger question — were the people in this footage ever watching Loudness anywhere? 

The chanting! For most people, this song's nonsensical chant of "M! Z! A!" is the most memorable bit. For years I assumed that this was an abbreviation that meant something in Japanese. No. What I have since heard is that "M! Z! A!" was initially put in as a placeholder — they knew they wanted to have a chant, but didn't know what. In the end though, they just kept its kind of nonsense chant. 

I just tried to substantiate this version of events and succeeded: In an interview with Metallian.com, Minoru says, "It is like shouting 'hey hey hey' or 'wow wow wow' or whatever. Except M, Z and A came out of me. I have been asked this question and I used to tell people it stands for 'My Zebra Ass.' Of course, that's nonsense." 

Also apparently they wrote all the music for this song before writing lyrics, which may explain some things, like why the guitar's so badass, but the lyrics are so, well, see above! In any event, in addition to being sonically memorable, this video also makes the chant visually memorable, as we see all different people doing the chant. 

We first see the band members do it. But we also get to see Japanese policemen, school children, even a woman dressed as a geisha. Depending on what version of the video you watch, you'll see different people doing the chant. 

They also do collages of the letters a couple of times, using letters from signs, a varsity jacket, etc., to get the message across. It's not Tap-esque, but you've still got to love the chant. Plus it allows them to do a couple of quick "meet the band" sequences — win-win.

Def Leppard, "Armageddon It"

1987: Best Year Ever?

THE VIDEO Def Leppard, "Armageddon It," Hysteria, 1987, Mercury

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Yeah-ah, but are you gettin' it?! / [ARMAGGEDDON IT!] / Re-eally gettin' ih-it?/ [YES ARMAGGEDDON IT!]"

THE VERDICT My quick mention of Def Leppard's concert video "Live: In the Round, In Your Face" last week gave me a hankering for some Hysteria, so rather than go with the obvious, I've decided to shine a light on "Armageddon It." I always feel like this is one of the more forgotten singles from this album, and thinking about it extra hard this week is making me realize why.

For one, the song is a bit of a mish-mash of ideas. You feel like they had maybe three ideas -- the verse, the build-up to the chorus, and the chorus -- that couldn't quite make it to full-on song status. Rather than abandon them, they've been turned into a bit of a franken-song. Admittedly, I love the pre-chorus in this song (the "give me all of your lovin'" part) -- I literally get chills every time I hear it.

But "Armageddon It"? What does that even mean? I think they just liked chanting it, since it sort of sounds like "I'm getting it." I remember circa third grade watching this video and asking my mom what armageddon was, and her explaining the concept to me, and me being like -- even as an eight-year-old -- WTF does this have to do with this song/video. Except I never would have even thought the f-word, even to myself. Despite my secret penchant for metal, I wasn't that kind of kid.

I mean most of the lyrics are sort of like, you're a tease, you talk a good game but you won't actually do anything, blablabla. Does this have anything to do with a biblical version of the end of the world? Ummm no. Nor does it have to do with any type of large-scale, super-destructive battle.



Anyway though, the video for this really gives you a sense of what the Hysteria tour was like, much more so than the more carefully shot "Pour Some Sugar On Me." At the beginning, we get the whole sped-up setting up for the concert montage -- it takes place in Denver at the McNichol Sports Arena, so, as we'll see later, kudos to the women of Denver.

I've got to say, this looks like it was an amazing arena tour. I mean yeah, the whole "in the round" thing is cooler in theory than in practice. It kind of just means you're probably only seeing like half the band at any given time -- even being in the front row doesn't mean they'll be like, in front of you. At the same time though, I can't get over the coolness of the stage.

I love how they took all the squiggles from the album artwork, and sort of blew them up and made them into this like, giant stage covered in neon patterns. I thought it was cool as hell at the time, and I still love it now. Sadly, since I was seven or eight years old at this time, the closest I got to this tour was the videos. Luckily, the videos capture it really well.

About half of this video takes place behind the scenes, with black and white footage of the band arriving and rehearsing. We also get to see, in color for some reason, them hanging out after the show. Apparently on this round stage set, they could basically climb down through the center and go underneath it for their breaks. According to I think it was Joe saying this on their episode of Behind the Music (which is a damn good one), that place was more or less a pit of debauchery.

We don't see that here though, in spite of the women they show in the crowd, some of whom are gorgeous and some of whom are serious eyeliner abusers. There is one blonde woman in particular who also appears in "Pour Some Sugar On Me" and is absolutely stunning -- she knows all the words and somehow doesn't seem to sweat. With how prominently she's featured in the crowd shots, there's no way she didn't get backstage. Anyway though, we don't see even the slightest implication of groupie action here. We see the guys goofing around, with Joe and Rick Savage wearing giant furry slippers.



But more than that, it's how the band members interact -- or mainly, don't interact -- with the camera that gives you a better sense of this. Joe Elliott really hams it up in the rehearsal footage, but there's only one part of the video where he actually sings to the camera. In general, everyone in the band is on the move the entire time, and really playing to the crowd. No one except Joe looks at the camera or pays it any mind.

That's the other thing that's always impressed me about these videos, and made me realize just how big Def Leppard was at the time. I mean okay, one, they could take a franken-song like this and have it be a #1 hit. But two, you never see the cameras in this video. They stay out of each other's way, which is really impressive given that there appear to be a whole ton of cameras. In other words, this was a pretty big-budget production for a hair band.

Thinking about it a little harder, I can't decide whether it was surprising or completely par for the course that they didn't exactly follow up with another amazing album. It's always hard to top your best effort, and yes, in the interim we lost Steve Clark, but come on -- they did follow up on the very excellent Pyromania with Hysteria. So it's not totally impossible.

The other thing really striking me about Def Leppard at this moment is how even though they have a sound that is more toward the pop side of the metal spectrum, they really aren't a band that's about looks (unlike, say, Bon Jovi). I mean Joe has that awful hockey hair, and those shredded jeans are just silly. I am lusting after his "Women" tee though -- I would love one of those.

I have a "Hysteria - On Tour" tee that I'm not sure whether it's a bootleg or a legit concert-sold article. It's basically just the album art with the words "ON TOUR" superimposed across the bottom. I love that dang shirt. I got it for $1 at the Salvation Army about ten years ago now, and I got an Iron Maiden "Somewhere On Tour" shirt that same day, also for $1. Seriously, back before hipsters and widespread eBay, my life was so much better.



Anyway wait, talking about the band's look, not mine. Steve Clark -- in a black jacket, black jeans, and cowboy-ish boots -- looks ah-mazing, but that's just because he's super hot. He doesn't look like he's trying. There's no product in that hair. Rick Savage is in more or less the same outfit, but he's a little too cutesy for me.

Phil Collen -- that rarest of birds, the short-haired guitarist -- isn't even wearing a shirt, and Rick Allen is in a plain white tee. This relates back though to what I was saying about how they definitely appear to be playing to the crowd rather than playing to the cameras here -- this is a band that's more about the music.

Long story short, 1987. What a year! I have to think about this harder, but this might well have been the best year in heavy metal. Just think what you found on the new release rack when you went to the record store in '87: Hysteria, Appetite for Destruction, Back for the Attack, Whitesnake, Among the Living, The Legacy, Keeper of the Seven Keys, Part I, Once Bitten... I mean, the list goes on. Whatever subgenre you like, there's something for you. Also, Headbanger's Ball debuted -- even with Adam Curry as the host, this was a serious event for heavy metal videos.

This is a question I'll have to think about more though: What was the best year in heavy metal history? There are sure to be many contenders, but 1987 is looking like a good bet, at least to me.

Ratt, "I Want a Woman"

Personally, I Want a Warren

THE VIDEO Ratt, "I Want a Woman," Reach for the Sky, 1988, Atlantic

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "I want a woman! / Not some little girl / Who had to grow up in daddddy's big world / I want a woman / Who can really love meee, yeah-ah / Dead ringer of a woman"

THE VERDICT I realized the other day that I haven't done a Ratt video in wayyy too long. Ratt rule. One, their San Diegan provenance was a key factor -- I kid you not -- in my decision to move out here. Two, Warren DeMartini has largely retained his hotness over the years, and I have a picture of me that he autographed.

Three, in spite of their somewhat unusual style (though they're never really credited as such, they're pretty much the only glam band and one of the few metal bands overall to have never done a ballad), their songs more or less always kick ass. Even when they have slightly silly subject matter, as this one does, Ratt keep it together. But what makes this video rule? Well, I like to make lists, so let's count the ways.

1) The weird meta framing: I like how they kind of decided they needed to give this video a plot. Like other Ratt videos (e.g. "Slip of the Lip"), rather than actually putting women anywhere near Ratt, they decided it would be better to have this weird sort of women-watching-Ratt voyeuristic thing happening. It's improbable and probably projection on their part, but whatever.

Anyway, the video kicks off with close-ups of a woman's mouth as she confirms that various cameras are ready to begin filming the Ratt video and watches video from it on monitors. I especially like that all the cameramen (who we see and hear in the voiceover) are wearing jackets with "Ratt Video Crew" stenciled onto them.

2) The women, duh: This video is incredible for its true-to-life montages of 80s women. You do not feel like they hand-picked fans to be in this video, let alone cast models. These are honest-to-goodness Ratt fans, making this video an incredible slice of metal history. I mean seriously, even think of the girls they show at Gazzarri's in Decline II -- these are not those girls. Maybe LA girls are just hotter, but whatever.

I can't find where this video was filmed, but I'm going to go with Cleveland. Usually you can find a radio station-themed sign in the audience to figure this stuff out, but no luck here. Based on the fact that everyone seems to have jackets with them, I don't think we're anywhere that warm.



Wait, scratch that. It took forever, but this is why I literally watch these bad boys frame by frame: I found a fan sign including radio station WLLZ. Detroit!!! Yes! This is totally it -- they recreated the logo on the tire for the sign. And indeed -- Michigan makes so much sense when you look at the ladies in this video. Gosh, I feel like a detective when I figure this stuff out, you guys.

Much of the video that isn't the band performing is basically a competition among these women to out-awesome each other. Some high points: The brunette in a white crop top, what appears to be an obviously stuffed bra, and an amazing chain belt. The girl with the really intense red lipstick who spins toward the camera and looks really obviously underage, as well as the girl in the puffy white outfit who has made her hair nearly stand on end, are super 80s.

Some of them I wonder about -- are they the other fans' moms? Or am I just seeing a range of ages? The woman with the bangs and the bad perm -- okay shoot, that's almost all of them, but I'm thinking of one in particular who is chewing gum and seems embarrassed to be on camera -- really seems like a mom.

In general, a lot of these women look like what I remember girls who were a lot older than me looking like around this time. Like when I was in kindergarten and first grade -- this is what the girls in the sixth grade pages of the yearbook looked like. In other words, they looked awesome.

I hate to say it, but some of these gals are flat-out ugly. And yet they made it into a music video! For this, I give them props. Also though, it says a lot about Ratt's budget that they apparently had to use whatever footage they got, as well as that they couldn't afford to just stack their crowd with beautiful women -- think of all the Def Leppard videos from Hysteria that are on that "In the Round, In Your Face" compilation. And that was in Denver.

Or gosh, even the girls in "Your Mama Don't Dance" who know all the words and seem to really love Poison. Maybe Ratt girls just aren't as hot as some of the other fans. But wait, I love Ratt! This is a pickle. But seriously, one of these gals has braces. And I mean come on ladies -- spit out your gum! You're in a Ratt video, for goodness' sake!



3) The ridiculous lyrics: Even for Reach for the Sky-era Ratt, this song is an weird one. I mean the chorus repeatedly ends on Steven saying he wants a "dead ringer of a woman," which I can only take to mean that, despite the song's repeated claims otherwise, he wants a female impersonator. I mean didn't anyone look up what dead ringer means? He wants a duplicate of a woman, or something easily mistaken for a woman.

It reminds me of in Arrested Development, when their lawyer, Barry Zuckerkorn (played by Henry Winkler), tells them he is trying to get back into the dating scene. I mean "groovy lips," "high heels", "red dress"... this is not necessarily going to net you an actual woman these days. Then again, in 1988, who knows. He could easily be describing Kelly Bundy.

Also I can't talk about this song without mentioning its gratuitous oral sex reference: "I take you up north, and then you wanna go south / you're just leaving another bad taste in my mouth!" What is this, a Great White song? Come on Ratt, you can do better. As allmusic says, this song "demonstrate[s] singer Stephen Pearcy's unfortunate inclination toward dumb rock cliches, a component of Ratt that consistently undermines the musical achievements of the band."

4) The well-prepared audience: I love the level of sign-making craft that this audience has gone to. You can often tell in metal videos when they've clearly informed the fans ahead of time that the show is being filmed (you see this particularly often with Bon Jovi), but Ratt fans really craft these things well. I mean even in regular Ratt videos the audience members have often made crazy signs with like, really detailed mechanical rats and such. I love this.

Why do I love it? Well, many reasons. I am a big "fan art" aficionado in general. But also (obviously) it reminds me of wrestling, where fan sign-making has more or less reached its apotheosis. Seriously though, if people had just saved this stuff... I would totally collect heavy metal fan art. As it stands, I'll have to settle for my t-shirt collection.

Ugh, this reminds me though that the other day I saw a woman down in Hillcrest with a literally astonishing Ratt shirt on -- it was a concert-specific tee (those are so hard to find) from a New Year's 1985 show. I seriously nearly died of jealousy. And I already own two Ratt tees: A really great (and older than hers!) Out of the Cellar tour tee from '84, and a Reach for the Sky tee too. but I was still really, really jealous.

And this is not a position I often find myself in in the heavy metal t-shirts department, if you know what I'm saying. I mean, as I write this, I'm wearing a Whitesnake Slip of the Tongue east coast tour tee. I also have a 1987 Whitesnake tour tee. Now who's jealous!



5) Talking about this video makes me remember Beavis and Butt-head's commentary on this video: Face it people. I will take any opportunity I can to talk about two things that aren't technically about metal but aren't entirely unrelated, and those are professional wrestling and Beavis and Butt-head. I recently gifted my dad and a close friend with the entire series, so I've been rewatching (and reliving my old watching) of a lot of these episodes lately. When they watch 80s metal videos is my favorite (obviously!), and they don't disappoint on this one. I transcribed it as best I could, minus a lot of the background laughter. Just assume you're hearing "heh heh" and "huh huh" the whole time.

The boys start out critiquing the coolness of Ratt. Based on their approximate ages, I would say they're right -- Ratt probably were most popular around then, though this song would have come out a bit later.

Butt-head: Uh-ohhhh
Beavis: (grumbling) Ohhhh... dammit. Hey Butt-head, was this stuff ever cool?
Butt-head: Uhhh, I think this might've been cool when we were like, five years old.
Beavis: Ohhhhh yeah. I think my mom used to like sing this song as a lullaby like when I was going to sleep, heh heh.

The best part comes when they start showing all the women in the video, as Beavis and Butt-head's creative juices begin to flow. Ew, it's not a euphemism! Seriously, Butt-head pitches a show. A TV show, pervs!

Butt-head: Whoaa! These chicks look like real sluts! [This is in response to the woman dancing on the balcony with the sign.]
Beavis: Yeah yeah, it's like, I think these chicks are really sluts!
Butt-head: Yeah, see? Slut. Slut. Slut. [As they show different women turning toward the camera.]
Beavis: You know what else, it's like these chicks are all like, sophomores.
Butt-head: Yeah! That's cool. (more laughter) Hey Beavis, I just got an idea!
Beavis: Oh yeah? What?
Butt-head: They should have a show, you know, like COPS, only they should call it SLUTS, and they just like, follow these sluts around with a camera.
Beavis: Oh yeah yeah, they could have like "SLUTS in Houston," and then like, "SLUTS in Phoenix," and then just like, just like COPS. That was a really good idea, Butt-head!

So basically, Joe Francis owes Mike Judge some serious dough, because Beavis and Butt-head came up with the idea for Girls Gone Wild like, years before he did. And where did Mike Judge go to college? In San Diego. I'm just sayin'! They wrap up with a critique of Stephen Pearcy's whininess:

Butt-head: Yeah. (laughter) This guy keeps going, "I want a woman," but it's like, I want a woman too, but I'm not out there singing some crappy song about it!
Beavis: Yeah, yeah it's like, so he wants a woman, so what? So does everybody! I do like the sluts, though.

Personally, the women in the video don't do it for me -- I want a Warren. DeMartini, that is! Even in pouffy pants and ankle boots, he's looking fine in this video. Admittedly, it also appears to be Robbin Crosby's finest hour -- he's looking rather fit in leather pants. Juan Croucier has made his hair extra, extra-poufy, and donned a fringed jean jacket, all the better to make dramatic gestures in. But for me -- even though he's barely in this video, Robbin does the more prominent solo -- Warren D. is the most want-able thing on screen.

Tesla, "Love Song"

The World's Most Wholesome Metal Fans

THE VIDEO Tesla, "Love Song," The Great Radio Controversy, 1989, Geffen

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Love eeees all around you-ou / love is knockin' / outside your doo-ooo-ooor-or / waitin' for you / isthislovemadejustfortwo-ooh / keepanop-enheart,andyou'llfindlovea-gain / I know"

THE VERDICT I know, this is another "is this really the summer?" video, but I'm going to go with yes, it is. It definitely feels like summer -- summer tours, big-ass arena concerts, sleeveless t-shirts. It's summer in spirit if not in season (though trust me, I'm pretty damn sure it is summer).

This video begins with a lot of the stock themes we've come to expect from live videos -- the empty arena, the tour bus on the road (Tesla's destination is labeled "Home," as opposed to say Mötley Crüe's "Rockin' and Rollin'"), sped-up footage of the arena filling up, close-up of the guitarist's hands. Oh, and lest we forget, the all-important shot of the lead singer looking pensively out the tour bus window! Yes, life on the road is tough. So tough, in fact, that we get multiple shots of different band members on the bus.

The video starts out with Tesla performing the song while the arena is empty -- I guess we can assume that, for the purposes of shooting a video, they are doing a very thorough soundcheck. Jeff Keith is wearing round sunglasses, a yellow button-down shirt, and jeans -- pretty conservative for him, actually. Then we see Troy Luccketta playing with his kid. Aww, his kid's got a little junior mullet! Glad to see that haircut got passed down.

Shots of roadies prepping the stage fade into Tesla on their bus, which fade into shots of Tesla on stage. It's still just soundcheck time though -- even if we are getting some sort of expository shots of a red flag and a skywriting plane. Things don't really get going until the guitar speeds up just a hair, and we see sped-up footage of the arena filling.



Then, as soon as we hit the first chorus, boom! The crowd's all there. And what a crowd. Seriously, these are the most wholesome-looking women you will ever see in a heavy metal video, and I'm including Stryper videos in that count, people. Seriously, it's like if Norman Rockwell had lived to create a painting of an 80s metal concert, that's how warmly lit and sanitized this video feels.

Though a bunch of the crowd shots make it appear to be daytime, most of the time when we see the band, it's night. Jeff has switched into an unbuttoned patterned shirt and his favorite "we're shooting a video today" pants (the ones with footprints painted onto them). Tommy Skeoch has put on a ruffly pirate shirt -- and let me just say he looks delectable -- further proving that Tesla have upped their wardrobe game for this video.

To underscore the liveness, the crowd sound has been added in a bunch of spots in this video, often when they're showing the men in the crowd. While sweatier than the ladies, these guys look equally wholesome, and extremely pleased to see Tesla. Conveniently, many members of the crowd have made elaborate signs explicitly about this song. Hmm, I think they knew they were filming a video. Does this explain the "best behavior" we seem to be seeing? Or is there already considerable self-selection inherent in being a Tesla fan in the first place?

Everyone in Tesla is going nuts. Jeff is doing his little hip-swiveling dance, and Frank Hannon is somehow headbanging while carefully playing a double-neck guitar. There's a lot of kicking and hair-tossing going on in general, and as we head into the guitar solo, yes, the lighters have come out. Sparklers even! The crowd is starting to look slightly worse for the wear (and sound slightly screamier). We even get the obligatory shot of a guy in the crowd screaming like he is about to turn into the Incredible Hulk, so powerful is this guitar solo. (See "Power Ballad Cliche #9")

Somehow like half the women in the crowd are up on someone else's shoulders, and literally all the women in the crowd know all the words to this song. Everyone's looking a bit sweaty as the song devolves into the everyone shouting part, which is the weakest bit of it (the "love is gonna find a way-ay-ay" repeated a zillion times). For this whole sequence, it's just shot after shot of the members of Tesla having multiple guitargasms, and women in the audience singing along. Tesla, chick, Tesla, chick.



For the very last part, which is quiet, the arena is completely black except for the light from lighters. We then get a patently non-live shot -- Jeff and Frank are sitting in the center of the stage completely alone. We then see, semi-transparent over the image of them, the skywriting plane again, which has written "LOVE" in the sky. Also it's the old-fashioned kind, where the pilot has to do actually loop-de-loops and stuff, not those ones you see making Geico ads over stadiums where they just do the little puffs to sort of type out all the letters. We sort of see the crowds' hands waving again before it all fades out.

So this is a fun video, and a great song. I mean, if there's one thing Tesla's great at (okay, there's more than one, but this is the one I'm going to talk about), it's writing songs that make you feel better about life. "Love Song" is right up there with "The Way It Is" in this respect -- it's the exact kind of song that can pull you out of a horrible break-up. And the lyrics! So, so good. They're that perfect combination of almost nonsensical and totally evocative. Admittedly, I've always heard "is this love made just for two" as "yes this love may just haunt you," so I was making them more nonsensical, but whatever. It's no wonder this song made it all the way to #10 on the Billboard Hot 100 back in 1990.

Perhaps this can explain the wholesome women -- this is one of those songs that got such saturation airplay that it probably got all kinds of folks who had never heard another Tesla song to go to a Tesla concert (another good example of this phenomenon is "Silent Lucidity" by Queensryche). So maybe these just aren't heavy metal girls. Or okay, maybe they're "heavy metal" girls, like the type who are also really into Nelson.

Hypothesis #2 is that it's because this is a hometown crowd -- Tesla are in Sacramento, as evidenced by the radio station banners you can see in the background during some of the daytime shots. Then again, they've also got a hometown crowd in the video for "The Way It Is". But I mean, come on, they're doing a charity food drive in that video, and the crowd doesn't look as wholesome as this one does! That's from January 1990, though that song didn't chart until April. Hmmm. Okay, my official guess is that this video is from summer 1989.

Okay but anyway, point is, the combination of a) this song being really popular with non-metal fans and b) it being a hometown crowd seems to mean that c) this is the most bright-eyed and rosy-cheeked crowd of metal fans you'll ever see in a video. And I mean ever.

Guns N Roses, "Paradise City"

The Summer of '88

THE VIDEO Guns N Roses, "Paradise City," Appetite for Destruction, 1987, Polygram

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Take me down to the Paradise City / where the grass is green and the girls are pretty / Take! Me! Ho-oh-ooooooome yeah yeah-ah!"

THE VERDICT This video always, always has said "summertime" to me. "Paradise City" is also, for my money, one of GNR's most iconic videos, as opposed to the bloated, over-budgeted monstrosities of their later years.

If you watch it, it has a lot of shots that will go on to get used in Vh-1 montages and the like, even moreso than "Welcome to the Jungle" (really mostly just Axl screaming and leaning on Slash, and Axl sitting on the bed watching all the TVs) and "Sweet Child O' Mine" (really just Slash plugging in his guitar). Let's review it together.

The beginning of the video, shot in gritty black-and-white, establishes that this is an "on tour" video. The camera pans around an empty Giants stadium, and we see GNR tees that are probably $150 on eBay right now. The camera pans past the stage, where we see various of the band members hanging out, looking young and oh-so-hot. I've talked about this many times before: These boys are in their Magic Hour.

Of course, Axl Rose only appears once the video is suddenly in color, and they're actually performing. He's wearing a customized white leather getup that somehow, no one ever makes fun of him for, even though people make fun of Warrant for their customized white leather getups all the time! Maybe it's 'cause he's also wearing a Cathouse t-shirt. If I could find a non-repro Cathouse tee, I'd be the happiest woman alive pretty much.

Shots of the band performing in color are interspersed with backstage shots in black and white in a very fast "meet the band" sequence, then when Axl finishes the first chorus and swings his arm out, we finally see the ginormous stadium crowd for a minute. Again, this is Giants Stadium, where GNR are opening for Aerosmith, who I assume are still touring off of Permanent Vacation (since GNR are likewise still touring off of Appetite). Can you imagine watching 1988 Guns N Roses do "Welcome to the Jungle" live, then watching Steven Tyler wheeze through "Dude (Looks Like a Lady)"? I don't mind Aerosmith, but that would really be a letdown.



Anyway, then we see the band (not Axl, of course) roaming around 80s Manhattan, which you know I love. Slash, Duff, and Steven go to beloved (and since departed) Manny's Music, where we get an iconic shot of the camera zooming in on Steven sitting against a bunch of amps.

Then we're back at Giants Stadium with more set-up shots, including a favorite of mine, Slash wearing cut-offs standing in the middle of the stadium. Fans begin to pour in, and we also see the boys looking at stuff on the street. I'm pretty sure they're in midtown, but I always picture them as being down near St. Mark's Place in this part.

The crowd is in full effect, and even Axl seems to have shown up. Everyone gets their guitars, and then with that piercing whistle, we're finally at the dunt-duh-nuh-nunt-duh-nuh-nunt-duh-nuh-nunt-duh-nuh-nuh-NUH guitar part, which rules. Everyone's going nuts, particularly white leather Axl. The crowd is going nuts, though interestingly you can see when they pull back enough (which they try to avoid doing I'm assuming for this reason), the top-tier of nosebleed seats is far from full.

In the midst of this performance footage, we get another of my favorite moments: Duff hits on a woman walking by, who totally keeps walking. Woman! You are being hit on by 1988 Duff McKagan!! He is not going to look like that forever! This is soon followed by another iconic shot -- the quick transition from "tell me who you're gonna believe" to the couple making out in the middle of the crowd. Damn! Can you imagine being like "that was me making out in the crowd during 'Paradise City' in 1988"? And then we've got yet another one -- Steven Adler riding around on a boat in the East River, with the World Trade Center behind him.

Then we're back with Axl, and what appears to be literally a sea of white people waving their arms at him rhythmically. A tiny security guard foils an equally small dude trying to get onstage. Lots of fast camera swings, but then we get some nice shots of Slash playing his guitar while standing next to a fan -- not a GNR fan, literally like a large box fan, 'cause they're playing during the daytime in the middle of summer at the freakin' Meadowlands. It's hot.



Anyway, it's mostly color footage of an increasingly sweaty band performing at this point in the video, interspersed with backstage/behind-the-scenes black and white stuff. I love the trying-to-wake-up-Steven-at-the-hotel shots, as well as Slash signing an autograph using some guy's back as a table.

In the midst of all this, we see the band hopping on the Concorde to head to England to play the Monsters of Rock festival (so for this we know an exact date -- August 20, 1988). That year Donington was headlined by Iron Maiden, and also featured KISS, David Lee Roth, Megadeth, and Helloween -- can you imagine?! A bunch of behind the scenes shots (race track sign, GNR dressing room sign) establish that yes, we are in England now. Lots of fans, Slash getting interviewed in the press tent by... crap... I can never remember this guy's name. He looks like Bruce Villanch, but he's not. I remember seeing him talk about this video on a Vh-1 special once, and he was thrilled to pieces that he's in the video.

We don't get much clear performance video from Donington, just a lot of crowd shots. Though no one cites a source for this (and I don't think of GNR as a terribly thoughtful band, sorry), everything I've read about this video (which admittedly isn't much, remember, I am the best source of heavy metal video info on the web! Or anywhere else) claims that the band added all this Donington footage in honor of two fans who were crushed to death during the band's performance that day. The biggest difference between this and the Giants stadium footage is that it's in black and white; there's no seating, just a giant sea of people; and fans in Europe always bring big, elaborate homemade banners with them.

As the song goes more and more off the rails, the video actually gets more subdued. Yes, there's some Axl dance, in both Jersey and England, but we mostly get a lot of vaguely moody crowd shots, and images of the band members sitting around peacefully backstage.

The end of the video is almost all Donington -- chaotic shots of the band and the crowd, with lots of rapid cuts. But for the final "hooooooooooooooome" we cut back and forth between screaming Axl in both settings, in color and in black and white. The final shot is of Axl in Jersey with his arms upraised.



This video is a bit of a time capsule, really -- there are a lot of things in it that don't exist anymore (and no, I don't just mean a GNR lineup that isn't packed full of randos): The Monsters of Rock festival. Giants Stadium, just replaced by the outstandingly fugly Izod Center. Manny's. The World Trade Center, which is always hard to see. (I don't mean it's difficult to make out, I just mean, it's sad to look at.) The Concorde. Steven Adler as a full-fledged member of GNR, of course. In all, I like the time-capsule video more than I like the song.

Speaking of the song: Have you ever seen someone try to sing this song karaoke? Casual fans always just remember the sing-along chorus, which is realllly easy to sing, and completely forget what the rest of the song sounds like, which is a slower version of "Garden of Eden" without the helpful bouncing ball. (Weirdly, I can't find a version with the bouncing ball on Youtube, but I SWEAR it exists. Beavis and Butt-head watch it!)

They also tend to forget how long and instrumental the beginning is. You'll see them get a panicked look in their eye, then try to make the best of it with some air guitar. But then when the first verse appears ("jus' an urchin livin' under the street / I'ma, hard case that's tough to beat") the real fear sets in. Most people don't make it past the second verse (the "I'd have another cigarette" one), which is probably for the best. (I'm assuming they also forget that the song is nearly seven minutes long, but it never comes to that.)

The weird thing is, the verses are by far the coolest part of this song. The sort of breakdown part ("so faaaar away") comes in second, and anything involving the actual chorus (including at the end when it gets really fast) comes in a distant third for me. I think the chorus is just, for better or worse (but mostly worse), something frat guys can sing along to that helped GNR sell more albums.

But really, the verse on this song encapsulates everything I enjoy about Appetite-era Guns N Roses -- gritty lyrics, staccato delivery punctuated by the occasional yowl, and crunchy, heavy guitars. Guess I'll mostly stick to "Night Train" and "Mr Brownstone." But for when I need to see delectable footage of a young Duff McKagan, I'll put on this video.

Tesla, "Hang Tough"

How's It Hangin'?

THE VIDEO Tesla, "Hang Tough," The Great Radio Controversy, 1989, Geffen

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SAMPLE LYRIC "Hang tou-OUGH! / When the goin' gets rou-ough / Hang tou-OUGH / you got to give it all you go-ot / keep your head above the ground / oh don't you let it get you dooown / oh you gotta hang tough"

THE VERDICT I know this isn't the most scintillating video, but it's a great song, and really what I need to be hearing right about now with a new quarter starting up and a zillion things on my plate. I have a gigantic soft spot for inspirational songs, and for my money no one does it better than Tesla -- I know some people say they go over the top, but I feel like these boys keep it right in the sweet spot between empowering and saccharine. Plus, who can deny the crazy guitar in this song? Not I, that's for sure.

After beginning with a semi-random brief re-enactment of the album's cover art, this video mainly features Tesla performing in a weird, empty room -- vaguely warehouse-y, but made of wood, and of course featuring the requisite random old chairs, signs, industrial fans, etc. All the damn fans in this video keep making it hard to see Tesla! And I don't mean like humans or metalheads or what have you, I mean literally like, they keep putting the camera behind a ceiling fan.

This type of empty room decor is a huge cliche of metal videos of the late 80s and early 90s -- are we meant to think they practice in there? Or that they just love warehouses? Are the old signs meant to evoke something? I have no idea, all I know is that everyone from Anthrax to Warrant is constantly performing in these empty rooms.



It's one of those things like how every chain restaurant -- and many independent ones for that matter, but I'm thinking of like TGI Friday's, Chili's, that kind of thing -- has to cover their walls with random tsotchkes, as if they actually found all these weird old signs, photos, musical instruments, sporting goods, etc. and thought "gosh, that would just improve the ambiance in here." I bet when you open one of those restaurants, their corporate just sends you a big ol' box full of like, random photos of sports teams from the 1920s and faux-old signs for like chicken feed or fresh eggs or something. Is it all the wall tsotch that separates casual dining from fast food?

But anyway, I digress. Back to this particular faux empty warehouse, and the five man electrical band (err okay, it's a video so probably lip-synching) contained therein. One other thing I always love about Tesla is their total lack of pretension. I mean, just look at everyone's hair. Or just look at drummer Troy Luccketta's hair. I feel like we could go to a tractor pull together and just hang out.

Same goes for the clothes. Jeff Keith does like to take his shirt off, to be sure, but he also wears those handprint pants in more than one Tesla video, so we can assume he owns them. I love that he's like "oh we're shooting a video today, so better go put on my cool video pants." I had similar pants circa 1986 -- cream-colored corduroy with handprints in pink, lilac, and teal. My brother had the overalls version with primary red, yellow, and blue hands. Jeff I think just like, took a pair of white jeans, dipped his hands in paint, and you know, went to town, but same idea more or less.

The only time this video really changes is during the bridge (which is fantastic, btw). Suddenly there's an oriental rug, a Tesla banner, a piano, a dining set, an old film projector, and Jeff Keith has put on white cowboy boots and a Canadian tuxedo. (I know, I'm bad, but it cracks me up every time.) Anyway, everyone's changed clothes. This also takes us back to the little boy from the beginning of the video. The two themes finally come together, as we see that the images of the boy are being projected onto the wall near Jeff (or at least, it's made to look that way, pretty obvious the stuff of the boy was added later).



The end goes back to the original set and original clothes, with everyone in Tesla going berserk. Tommy is on at least his third guitargasm, and if you thought Jeff could open his mouth wide before, well, wait till you see this. He's in Carly Simon territory here.

Something else that makes me feel like Tesla is unpretentious is that they tend to show everyone in the band about equally in their video, unlike pretty much any other metal band, where it goes 1) lead singer, 2) guitarist (if there's a solo and/or they're camera-worthy), 3) attractive women, 4) anything else they might possibly want to show in the video, 5) shots of everyone else in the band, if we have time. Oh, and these'll probably not show their faces, or have them completely in shadow, or something like that.

Not so with Tesla. Tommy Skeoch and Frank Hannon are out in front quite a bit, leaning on each other, tossing hair, guitaring it up. Jeff comes in and out, heading to the background any time he's not singing. We see Troy pretty often, mostly from overhead. Bassist Brian Wheat probably gets the least screen time, and we still see him pretty well.

They also have one of my favorite video cliches -- showing each member of the band in sequence -- at the end. It actually -- finally! -- makes the stupid cliche industrial fans useful, as the turning of the blades provides some of the transition from band member to band member. It also mirrors the pinwheel the little boy has, though what any of the parts of that sequence are meant to convey, I don't know. All I know is listening to this song (and others like it) definitely keeps me going.