Def Leppard, "Armageddon It"

1987: Best Year Ever?

THE VIDEO Def Leppard, "Armageddon It," Hysteria, 1987, Mercury

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SAMPLE LYRIC "Yeah-ah, but are you gettin' it?! / [ARMAGGEDDON IT!] / Re-eally gettin' ih-it?/ [YES ARMAGGEDDON IT!]"

THE VERDICT My quick mention of Def Leppard's concert video "Live: In the Round, In Your Face" last week gave me a hankering for some Hysteria, so rather than go with the obvious, I've decided to shine a light on "Armageddon It." I always feel like this is one of the more forgotten singles from this album, and thinking about it extra hard this week is making me realize why.

For one, the song is a bit of a mish-mash of ideas. You feel like they had maybe three ideas -- the verse, the build-up to the chorus, and the chorus -- that couldn't quite make it to full-on song status. Rather than abandon them, they've been turned into a bit of a franken-song. Admittedly, I love the pre-chorus in this song (the "give me all of your lovin'" part) -- I literally get chills every time I hear it.

But "Armageddon It"? What does that even mean? I think they just liked chanting it, since it sort of sounds like "I'm getting it." I remember circa third grade watching this video and asking my mom what armageddon was, and her explaining the concept to me, and me being like -- even as an eight-year-old -- WTF does this have to do with this song/video. Except I never would have even thought the f-word, even to myself. Despite my secret penchant for metal, I wasn't that kind of kid.

I mean most of the lyrics are sort of like, you're a tease, you talk a good game but you won't actually do anything, blablabla. Does this have anything to do with a biblical version of the end of the world? Ummm no. Nor does it have to do with any type of large-scale, super-destructive battle.



Anyway though, the video for this really gives you a sense of what the Hysteria tour was like, much more so than the more carefully shot "Pour Some Sugar On Me." At the beginning, we get the whole sped-up setting up for the concert montage -- it takes place in Denver at the McNichol Sports Arena, so, as we'll see later, kudos to the women of Denver.

I've got to say, this looks like it was an amazing arena tour. I mean yeah, the whole "in the round" thing is cooler in theory than in practice. It kind of just means you're probably only seeing like half the band at any given time -- even being in the front row doesn't mean they'll be like, in front of you. At the same time though, I can't get over the coolness of the stage.

I love how they took all the squiggles from the album artwork, and sort of blew them up and made them into this like, giant stage covered in neon patterns. I thought it was cool as hell at the time, and I still love it now. Sadly, since I was seven or eight years old at this time, the closest I got to this tour was the videos. Luckily, the videos capture it really well.

About half of this video takes place behind the scenes, with black and white footage of the band arriving and rehearsing. We also get to see, in color for some reason, them hanging out after the show. Apparently on this round stage set, they could basically climb down through the center and go underneath it for their breaks. According to I think it was Joe saying this on their episode of Behind the Music (which is a damn good one), that place was more or less a pit of debauchery.

We don't see that here though, in spite of the women they show in the crowd, some of whom are gorgeous and some of whom are serious eyeliner abusers. There is one blonde woman in particular who also appears in "Pour Some Sugar On Me" and is absolutely stunning -- she knows all the words and somehow doesn't seem to sweat. With how prominently she's featured in the crowd shots, there's no way she didn't get backstage. Anyway though, we don't see even the slightest implication of groupie action here. We see the guys goofing around, with Joe and Rick Savage wearing giant furry slippers.



But more than that, it's how the band members interact -- or mainly, don't interact -- with the camera that gives you a better sense of this. Joe Elliott really hams it up in the rehearsal footage, but there's only one part of the video where he actually sings to the camera. In general, everyone in the band is on the move the entire time, and really playing to the crowd. No one except Joe looks at the camera or pays it any mind.

That's the other thing that's always impressed me about these videos, and made me realize just how big Def Leppard was at the time. I mean okay, one, they could take a franken-song like this and have it be a #1 hit. But two, you never see the cameras in this video. They stay out of each other's way, which is really impressive given that there appear to be a whole ton of cameras. In other words, this was a pretty big-budget production for a hair band.

Thinking about it a little harder, I can't decide whether it was surprising or completely par for the course that they didn't exactly follow up with another amazing album. It's always hard to top your best effort, and yes, in the interim we lost Steve Clark, but come on -- they did follow up on the very excellent Pyromania with Hysteria. So it's not totally impossible.

The other thing really striking me about Def Leppard at this moment is how even though they have a sound that is more toward the pop side of the metal spectrum, they really aren't a band that's about looks (unlike, say, Bon Jovi). I mean Joe has that awful hockey hair, and those shredded jeans are just silly. I am lusting after his "Women" tee though -- I would love one of those.

I have a "Hysteria - On Tour" tee that I'm not sure whether it's a bootleg or a legit concert-sold article. It's basically just the album art with the words "ON TOUR" superimposed across the bottom. I love that dang shirt. I got it for $1 at the Salvation Army about ten years ago now, and I got an Iron Maiden "Somewhere On Tour" shirt that same day, also for $1. Seriously, back before hipsters and widespread eBay, my life was so much better.



Anyway wait, talking about the band's look, not mine. Steve Clark -- in a black jacket, black jeans, and cowboy-ish boots -- looks ah-mazing, but that's just because he's super hot. He doesn't look like he's trying. There's no product in that hair. Rick Savage is in more or less the same outfit, but he's a little too cutesy for me.

Phil Collen -- that rarest of birds, the short-haired guitarist -- isn't even wearing a shirt, and Rick Allen is in a plain white tee. This relates back though to what I was saying about how they definitely appear to be playing to the crowd rather than playing to the cameras here -- this is a band that's more about the music.

Long story short, 1987. What a year! I have to think about this harder, but this might well have been the best year in heavy metal. Just think what you found on the new release rack when you went to the record store in '87: Hysteria, Appetite for Destruction, Back for the Attack, Whitesnake, Among the Living, The Legacy, Keeper of the Seven Keys, Part I, Once Bitten... I mean, the list goes on. Whatever subgenre you like, there's something for you. Also, Headbanger's Ball debuted -- even with Adam Curry as the host, this was a serious event for heavy metal videos.

This is a question I'll have to think about more though: What was the best year in heavy metal history? There are sure to be many contenders, but 1987 is looking like a good bet, at least to me.

Ratt, "I Want a Woman"

Personally, I Want a Warren

THE VIDEO Ratt, "I Want a Woman," Reach for the Sky, 1988, Atlantic

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SAMPLE LYRIC "I want a woman! / Not some little girl / Who had to grow up in daddddy's big world / I want a woman / Who can really love meee, yeah-ah / Dead ringer of a woman"

THE VERDICT I realized the other day that I haven't done a Ratt video in wayyy too long. Ratt rule. One, their San Diegan provenance was a key factor -- I kid you not -- in my decision to move out here. Two, Warren DeMartini has largely retained his hotness over the years, and I have a picture of me that he autographed.

Three, in spite of their somewhat unusual style (though they're never really credited as such, they're pretty much the only glam band and one of the few metal bands overall to have never done a ballad), their songs more or less always kick ass. Even when they have slightly silly subject matter, as this one does, Ratt keep it together. But what makes this video rule? Well, I like to make lists, so let's count the ways.

1) The weird meta framing: I like how they kind of decided they needed to give this video a plot. Like other Ratt videos (e.g. "Slip of the Lip"), rather than actually putting women anywhere near Ratt, they decided it would be better to have this weird sort of women-watching-Ratt voyeuristic thing happening. It's improbable and probably projection on their part, but whatever.

Anyway, the video kicks off with close-ups of a woman's mouth as she confirms that various cameras are ready to begin filming the Ratt video and watches video from it on monitors. I especially like that all the cameramen (who we see and hear in the voiceover) are wearing jackets with "Ratt Video Crew" stenciled onto them.

2) The women, duh: This video is incredible for its true-to-life montages of 80s women. You do not feel like they hand-picked fans to be in this video, let alone cast models. These are honest-to-goodness Ratt fans, making this video an incredible slice of metal history. I mean seriously, even think of the girls they show at Gazzarri's in Decline II -- these are not those girls. Maybe LA girls are just hotter, but whatever.

I can't find where this video was filmed, but I'm going to go with Cleveland. Usually you can find a radio station-themed sign in the audience to figure this stuff out, but no luck here. Based on the fact that everyone seems to have jackets with them, I don't think we're anywhere that warm.



Wait, scratch that. It took forever, but this is why I literally watch these bad boys frame by frame: I found a fan sign including radio station WLLZ. Detroit!!! Yes! This is totally it -- they recreated the logo on the tire for the sign. And indeed -- Michigan makes so much sense when you look at the ladies in this video. Gosh, I feel like a detective when I figure this stuff out, you guys.

Much of the video that isn't the band performing is basically a competition among these women to out-awesome each other. Some high points: The brunette in a white crop top, what appears to be an obviously stuffed bra, and an amazing chain belt. The girl with the really intense red lipstick who spins toward the camera and looks really obviously underage, as well as the girl in the puffy white outfit who has made her hair nearly stand on end, are super 80s.

Some of them I wonder about -- are they the other fans' moms? Or am I just seeing a range of ages? The woman with the bangs and the bad perm -- okay shoot, that's almost all of them, but I'm thinking of one in particular who is chewing gum and seems embarrassed to be on camera -- really seems like a mom.

In general, a lot of these women look like what I remember girls who were a lot older than me looking like around this time. Like when I was in kindergarten and first grade -- this is what the girls in the sixth grade pages of the yearbook looked like. In other words, they looked awesome.

I hate to say it, but some of these gals are flat-out ugly. And yet they made it into a music video! For this, I give them props. Also though, it says a lot about Ratt's budget that they apparently had to use whatever footage they got, as well as that they couldn't afford to just stack their crowd with beautiful women -- think of all the Def Leppard videos from Hysteria that are on that "In the Round, In Your Face" compilation. And that was in Denver.

Or gosh, even the girls in "Your Mama Don't Dance" who know all the words and seem to really love Poison. Maybe Ratt girls just aren't as hot as some of the other fans. But wait, I love Ratt! This is a pickle. But seriously, one of these gals has braces. And I mean come on ladies -- spit out your gum! You're in a Ratt video, for goodness' sake!



3) The ridiculous lyrics: Even for Reach for the Sky-era Ratt, this song is an weird one. I mean the chorus repeatedly ends on Steven saying he wants a "dead ringer of a woman," which I can only take to mean that, despite the song's repeated claims otherwise, he wants a female impersonator. I mean didn't anyone look up what dead ringer means? He wants a duplicate of a woman, or something easily mistaken for a woman.

It reminds me of in Arrested Development, when their lawyer, Barry Zuckerkorn (played by Henry Winkler), tells them he is trying to get back into the dating scene. I mean "groovy lips," "high heels", "red dress"... this is not necessarily going to net you an actual woman these days. Then again, in 1988, who knows. He could easily be describing Kelly Bundy.

Also I can't talk about this song without mentioning its gratuitous oral sex reference: "I take you up north, and then you wanna go south / you're just leaving another bad taste in my mouth!" What is this, a Great White song? Come on Ratt, you can do better. As allmusic says, this song "demonstrate[s] singer Stephen Pearcy's unfortunate inclination toward dumb rock cliches, a component of Ratt that consistently undermines the musical achievements of the band."

4) The well-prepared audience: I love the level of sign-making craft that this audience has gone to. You can often tell in metal videos when they've clearly informed the fans ahead of time that the show is being filmed (you see this particularly often with Bon Jovi), but Ratt fans really craft these things well. I mean even in regular Ratt videos the audience members have often made crazy signs with like, really detailed mechanical rats and such. I love this.

Why do I love it? Well, many reasons. I am a big "fan art" aficionado in general. But also (obviously) it reminds me of wrestling, where fan sign-making has more or less reached its apotheosis. Seriously though, if people had just saved this stuff... I would totally collect heavy metal fan art. As it stands, I'll have to settle for my t-shirt collection.

Ugh, this reminds me though that the other day I saw a woman down in Hillcrest with a literally astonishing Ratt shirt on -- it was a concert-specific tee (those are so hard to find) from a New Year's 1985 show. I seriously nearly died of jealousy. And I already own two Ratt tees: A really great (and older than hers!) Out of the Cellar tour tee from '84, and a Reach for the Sky tee too. but I was still really, really jealous.

And this is not a position I often find myself in in the heavy metal t-shirts department, if you know what I'm saying. I mean, as I write this, I'm wearing a Whitesnake Slip of the Tongue east coast tour tee. I also have a 1987 Whitesnake tour tee. Now who's jealous!



5) Talking about this video makes me remember Beavis and Butt-head's commentary on this video: Face it people. I will take any opportunity I can to talk about two things that aren't technically about metal but aren't entirely unrelated, and those are professional wrestling and Beavis and Butt-head. I recently gifted my dad and a close friend with the entire series, so I've been rewatching (and reliving my old watching) of a lot of these episodes lately. When they watch 80s metal videos is my favorite (obviously!), and they don't disappoint on this one. I transcribed it as best I could, minus a lot of the background laughter. Just assume you're hearing "heh heh" and "huh huh" the whole time.

The boys start out critiquing the coolness of Ratt. Based on their approximate ages, I would say they're right -- Ratt probably were most popular around then, though this song would have come out a bit later.

Butt-head: Uh-ohhhh
Beavis: (grumbling) Ohhhh... dammit. Hey Butt-head, was this stuff ever cool?
Butt-head: Uhhh, I think this might've been cool when we were like, five years old.
Beavis: Ohhhhh yeah. I think my mom used to like sing this song as a lullaby like when I was going to sleep, heh heh.

The best part comes when they start showing all the women in the video, as Beavis and Butt-head's creative juices begin to flow. Ew, it's not a euphemism! Seriously, Butt-head pitches a show. A TV show, pervs!

Butt-head: Whoaa! These chicks look like real sluts! [This is in response to the woman dancing on the balcony with the sign.]
Beavis: Yeah yeah, it's like, I think these chicks are really sluts!
Butt-head: Yeah, see? Slut. Slut. Slut. [As they show different women turning toward the camera.]
Beavis: You know what else, it's like these chicks are all like, sophomores.
Butt-head: Yeah! That's cool. (more laughter) Hey Beavis, I just got an idea!
Beavis: Oh yeah? What?
Butt-head: They should have a show, you know, like COPS, only they should call it SLUTS, and they just like, follow these sluts around with a camera.
Beavis: Oh yeah yeah, they could have like "SLUTS in Houston," and then like, "SLUTS in Phoenix," and then just like, just like COPS. That was a really good idea, Butt-head!

So basically, Joe Francis owes Mike Judge some serious dough, because Beavis and Butt-head came up with the idea for Girls Gone Wild like, years before he did. And where did Mike Judge go to college? In San Diego. I'm just sayin'! They wrap up with a critique of Stephen Pearcy's whininess:

Butt-head: Yeah. (laughter) This guy keeps going, "I want a woman," but it's like, I want a woman too, but I'm not out there singing some crappy song about it!
Beavis: Yeah, yeah it's like, so he wants a woman, so what? So does everybody! I do like the sluts, though.

Personally, the women in the video don't do it for me -- I want a Warren. DeMartini, that is! Even in pouffy pants and ankle boots, he's looking fine in this video. Admittedly, it also appears to be Robbin Crosby's finest hour -- he's looking rather fit in leather pants. Juan Croucier has made his hair extra, extra-poufy, and donned a fringed jean jacket, all the better to make dramatic gestures in. But for me -- even though he's barely in this video, Robbin does the more prominent solo -- Warren D. is the most want-able thing on screen.

Faster Pussycat, "Bathroom Wall"

Bathtub Time Machine

THE VIDEO Faster Pussycat, "Bathroom Wall," Faster Pussycat, 1987, Elektra

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Gotttttt your number off the bathroom wall / and I decided it was about time I made the call!/ Yeahh I got your number off the bathroom wall!"

THE VERDICT So before I actually get into talking about this video, I have a confession to make: I think all the time about giving up on this blog again for the zillionth time. There are weeks when it feels less like a hobby and more like a chore, particularly now as I'm looking toward beginning my dissertation research. But the other day, thanks to Blogger, I realized something: Apparently, there are people who read this blog. Or who at least look at it anyway -- I don't know if y'all stick around and read anything, but definitely folks seem to like to look at the pictures.

How do I know this? Well, it turns out that a few months back Blogger added functionality allowing me to view statistics on the blog. I debated clicking on it for a while, figuring it would be depressing to see the five page views from me writing a new post. But finally I did it and -- lo and behold -- for a random anonymous blog with very little promotion (basically just the Twitter feed), this thing actually gets some traffic. I mean yeah, it gets like, country road traffic, not like multi-month-long Beijing traffic jam traffic, but still. Someone out there is looking at this thing who isn't me!

What is it that you all want to look at? Well, apparently some of the more common ways to find this site include searching for "my ancestors spit on your haircut" and "krokus screaming in the night." The former surprised me, the latter not so much -- I've gotten emails from folks asking for more details on that video, and trust me, I don't know them. And I never would have guessed anyone else wanted to know!

So what are the most popular videos on the site? Funny you should ask. I was a little surprised, honestly. As of today, the all-time most viewed pages are:
1) Danzig, "Mother" -- this more or less makes sense. All kids love Danzig.
2) Scorpions, "No One Like You" -- this one really puzzles me.
3) David Lee Roth, "Yankee Rose" -- hence all the people searching for weird insults.
4) Warrant, "I Saw Red" -- really, you guys? Really?
5) LA Guns, "Never Enough" -- inexplicable. My only guess is because I put "Kurt Cobain" in the title of the post. This makes me think I should redo the images for it though, since they're a bit low-res.

Anyway, sorry for that meta moment. And sorry I don't know more about "Screaming in the Night," like who any of the actors are, or what on earth they made those craptastic props out of, or why they just recycled that video directly into the even more horrible "Eat the Rich." I really don't know what anyone wants when it comes to this metal stuff. I only know what I like, and what I want, which is George Lynch circa 1985 and to be one of the cohosts of Vh-1 Classic's That Metal Show 'cause come on, they should really have a woman, and I should totally be that woman.



So what am I in the mood for this week? Well, some down and dirty LA glam metal. I know some people think Faster Pussycat are awful and derivative, but I've got to tell you, I love this band. Even "House of Pain," literally one of the crappiest ballads ever written, can't put a dent in my affection for them. Even knowing that Taime Downe turns into a scary fat pseudo-Nazi can't do it. They're just that fabulous.

Faster Pussycat are like someone took the Sunset Strip circa 1989 or so and distilled it, boiled it down into its purest essence, and squeezed out this band. I mean look, even at the time Taime might have been kind of a d-bag, but he co-owned the Cathouse for heaven's sakes! And just look at him -- he's not an attractive guy, even young, but he's got a fantastic look.

Actually, everyone in Faster Pussycat has a fantastic look, and this is used to great advantage here. Of particular note is Brent Muscat, who has this awesome sort of frilly hippie thing going. I mean okay sure -- the longer you look at Faster Pussycat, the more you realize they have ripped their style straight from Hanoi Rocks (I mean it's like a one-to-one correlation even) but whatever. Somehow, while Hanoi Rocks look totally Euro, Faster Pussycat look super, super LA.

I mean after all, this is the band that Penelope Spheeris used to more or less frame The Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years (if you have not seen this film, you will click that link -- you can watch the entire thing there. The image quality isn't amazing, but the sound is all there). In any event, the boys are all over that one, and "Babylon" plays over the closing credits. They've certainly got the best look of any band in that movie. And we get to hear all about the Cathouse, so that rules.



And anyway -- wait! The video! This video! Yes, of course. Well, they do also perform "Bathroom Wall" in Decline II, though they swap in a fake phone number over the one Taime usually says in the song (it sounds like he says "five-five-five-seven-sixty-ten" instead of 928-1768... or is it 281-7668, if anyone wants to make that the new 867-5309). So the entire previous discussion was relevant. Sort of.

Seriously, if I could time-travel, I would go to the Cathouse. Taime on starting the Cathouse: "We needed a place where we could meet strippers." Riki (nee Rikki) on the clientele: "A lot of blonde girls come here, a lot of girls who look like they come out of Russ Meyer's films." (Side note: I knew of Faster Pussycat as a band way before I knew of Faster Pussycat, Kill! Kill!. Sigh, learning the reference without knowing the referent.)

I know this isn't the video either, but their interview segment in Decline II is great. Why are so many of their songs about sex? "Because Taime's a sexual monster." No really, why are they so obsessed with sex? "We used to be obsessed with money but we had to give up on that." Do they do drugs? Faster Pussycat say no -- umm, lying. "Alcohol, aspirin, Advil" are all they'll cop to. Are they in this for the long run? "I'm just doing this until I can be a manager at McDonald's or something." So okay, it's not all lies.

Even better, they follow it with a segment with Steven Tyler (with an adorable Jane Fonda shag) and Joe Perry talking about how they ripped off the New York Dolls' look, and then how everyone else ripped off their look. Weirdly, Joe seems way more pissed about other people tying scarves around their mics than Steve does. Taime claims he does it because he needs a place to blow his nose, but it sounds like later she paints him into a corner about it and Taime does thank Steven Tyler.

Anyway it's okay, because not the most happens in this video -- it's mostly grainy black and white footage of the band performing the song. We also get "behind the scenes" stuff of them hanging out in LA, which rules. Seriously, if someone had made a "Day in the Life of Faster Pussycat" documentary around that time, I'd totally watch that too. Oh man, I'm getting really distracted right now watching Decline II. It's so good! Can they please do some kind of anniversary DVD of it with like a zillion hours of out-takes? Can they do a really long where-are-they-now special?

Spinal Tap, "Bitch School"

The Majesty of Schlock

THE VIDEO Spinal Tap, "Bitch School," Break Like the Wind, 1992, MCA

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "It's time to give the whip a crack / I'm gonna have to send you back / to bitch schoooool! / bitch schooooool!"

THE VERDICT That post about "Girlschool" last week put me in mind of this video, which let's face it, isn't all that different. This is the genius of Spinal Tap: It's a parody that goes so far around the bend in being a parody that it basically comes all the way back and is the real thing. I could turn this into some kind of crazy Baudrillard simulation/simulacra/simulacrum thing, but I'll spare us. Suffice to say, they totally put the rather excellent "Big Bottom" on The Heavy Metal Box box set from a couple years back.

The concept of this video is literally the same as that of the Britny Fox one last week: "The whole video takes place in an all girls' school." Pretty much the biggest difference is that the teacher is a sort of Marilyn Monroe lookalike in S&M gear as opposed to a husky harridan. I guess also the girls go from being out of control to being under control rather than vice versa. And the band jumps into the classroom rather than having the classroom wall appear to drop away, implying that of the two this video actually had the higher budget.

While Britny Fox's video is sort of funnyish -- there's the whole thing with the janitor, and the teacher getting all flustered -- what really separates the Spinal Tap video are the segments that are explicitly meant to be humorous. So one of the times they all leap into a new set, Michael McKean -- I mean, David St. Hubbins -- winds up stuck outdoors. And the sexy teacher bites through chalk as well as lipstick -- possibly I should incorporate this into my classroom repertoire to bring my students in line.



None the less, the more I watch this video, the less different it is from other heavy metal videos that take place in schools. I mean think about it: Scantily clad women doing weird aerobic workouts? Why yes, just like in Kix's "Body Talk." Catholic school girls out of control? Uh-huh, just like in "Girlschool" from Britny Fox, which we looked at last week. Sexy teacher shown walking through a crowded classroom from behind? The exact same shot is in Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher." Nigel Tufnel plays a guitar made of Marshall amps in front of a giant stack of Marshall amps? The real metal guys just wish they'd thought of that one.

You could make the argument that the song is too silly to be taken seriously as a "real" metal song. Okay, sure -- the whole thing is a long metaphor about dog training (did it help give Christopher Guest the idea for Best in Show? Um, I totally hope so). On the one hand, degrading to women -- on the other hand, easy to claim it was a song about a dog (though I guess the video makes it a little tougher).

Does this sound familiar to anyone? It should, if you've ever heard Axl Rose explain the Guns N Roses song "Used to Love Her" -- a.k.a. "I used to love her, but I had to kill her." With all the stuff about how he can still hear her complain, and she's buried in the backyard, and blablabla. And when actual people did complain, what rationale did Rose use to explain his lyrical artistry? It was a song about his dog.



This is why Spinal Tap keeps coming back every ten years or so: Because there are all these little ridiculous things just littered all around the metal landscape, just waiting for someone to pick them up and realize they are hilarious. And I don't mean one of those idiot talking heads on Vh-1 -- don't even get me started on them. Seriously. Don't. Even. Get. Me. Started.

What credential does some bimbo from HGTV have to be talking about metal? Or most of those stand-up comedians? Or anyone whose claim to fame is being a contestant on a Vh-1 reality show? Puh-leeze. That should be me up there people. That. Should. Be. Me. I know way more about metal than any of those idiots with the exception of Eddie Trunk and come on -- I am way easier on the eyes than Eddie Trunk. Trust me.

Okay, okay, okay. Back on track. Let's just say Tap rules. Allmusic is always all "well they're parody songs, so you can only listen to them so many times," but I say not so. They're pretty well done and eminently listenable. I mean sure, a song like "Sex Farm" is no "Cherry Pie," but it's a hell of a lot better than something like "The Lumberjack" (if we're going to stick with all songs that are silly metaphors for sex). In other words, Spinal Tap are a more competent metal band than, well, more than a few real metal bands.

Britny Fox, "Girlschool"

I Don't Feel Tardy

THE VIDEO Britny Fox, "Girlschool," Britny Fox, 1988, Columbia

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "At the girrrrrrlschool / 'Cause my baybay broke all the rules! / At the girrrrrrrrrrrrrlschool / 'Cause my baybay broke all the rules"

THE VERDICT So, as I went to wrangle all the images for this week's post, suddenly Photoshop decides it doesn't want to open JPGs. In fact, it doesn't want to open anything except PSD's -- PhotoShop Documents. How much does this help me? Um, not at all. I tried every single fix I could find online, up to and including wiping all traces of it and then reinstalling Photoshop, and not one of them worked. Not one! Long story short, I had to upgrade, finally did, and boom, here I am. And only one day late!

Anyway, it's September again, and even though I personally don't have to go back to school for another month -- yes, be jealous -- it's back to school for pretty much everyone else. Hence, I've decided to highlight metal videos about school. You have to love metal videos about school: First, they're kitschy. Second, they often look like long-lost 80s movies that in fact never existed. But third, and decisively, they force bands to acknowledge the relative youthfulness of much of their core audience in a way that you almost never see happen outside of pop.

"Girlschool" (not to be confused with the band Girlschool) is no exception. The video kicks off with a bumbling janitor -- think Ernest Works for Minimum Wage (speaking of 80s movies that don't actually exist!) -- peeking into a classroom at an all-girls' school. The students are all wearing short-sleeved buttondown shirts and quite demure knee-length plaid skirts, letting us know there's more than just that "e" separating this Britny from that Britney.

In another feature particularly common to school-oriented videos -- cameos by minor celebs -- the class is totally being taught by a woman who I can't put my finger on it, but she's totally recognizable from 80s movies. She's not the lady who played the gym teacher in Porky's, but she's totally in that vein. She looks pleased with herself to be in this video, and I'm glad she's here too.



The camera follows several girls as they enter the classroom, and draws our attention to one girl, who's rocking a side ponytail and those wire and foam headphones absolutely no one has used since like 1992 -- the kind where at any volume, everyone can hear exactly what you're listening to. The teacher glares at her as she sits down, then goes back to writing "Classical music theory J.S. Bach" on the board.

A bit of googling tells us side pony is "lingerie and poster model" Kim Anderson, who also appears in "Patience" and "I Want Action" as well as... uh... one episode of Married With Children. Other auspicious roles include "porno actress" and "woman on street," as well as unverified uncredited performances on Baywatch. She is not to be confused with this Kim Anderson, whose aesthetic also permeates metal videos such as "Because the Night" and "Don't Close Your Eyes."

As the bell rings, the other girls open their books, while side pony hits play on her Walkman. This actually kicks off the song. The teacher whips her head around, spots side pony rocking out, and brandishes scissors. As soon as she cuts the cord running to her headphones however, the front of the classroom magically disappears and is replaced with Britny Fox performing on a soundstage.

The other girls' reaction shots are priceless. Side pony immediately starts jumping up and down while the teacher glares at her. A later shot reveals that though the teacher can hear the music, she can't see the band -- when she turns around, the blackboard reappears. See kids? School. That's where the magic happens.



Why didn't Britny Fox catch on? Well, watching the band for a minute gives you some clues. Dean Davidson might sound like a poor man's Tom Keifer, but he looks like Steven Tyler as drawn by Jack Davis. Even though it was the 80s, this isn't a good thing. Britny Fox fall into the metal typology of "frilly" bands -- arguably, they define the category. But the thing is, these lads don't have the looks or the chops to pull off all this lace.

At least in my opinion. These schoolgirls disagree. As the song progresses, they get wilder and wilder, tossing their hair about, knotting their shirts up, and dancing like crazy. It's like an all-girl, glitter-less version of the final scene in Footloose. By the first chorus, they've all transformed from completely buttoned-up, demure little things who barely look fifteen, to the kind of gals who probably would hang around the Britny Fox tour bus. Well, hotter versions of those girls.

Also, they've magically gotten accessories. Somehow, they've all managed to add colorful gloves, studded belts, and numerous bracelets to their previously staid ensembles. The teacher struggles to get them to sit down, but they won't have any of it.

Instead, they listen to Dean, who leers "you're staying after schooooool" to kick off the guitar solo, which features Michael Kelly Smith standing on top of the teacher's desk. He looks like an ugly version of Steve Whiteman with extremely fried hair. Why he ditched Cinderella to join a band that sounds like a watered-down version of Cinderella... I don't know. I guess it's sort of the opposite of doing what everyone who got really famous did, i.e. leaving London.



Following the solo, things get even more frenzied. The teacher gets into it, waving her arms and high-fiving the girls, even letting down her hair. There's much head-banging and face-making on everyone's parts. The song ends abruptly, and the teacher acts super-surprised by this. All the girls smile at her knowingly, then she sort of nods at them.

And then what? Do they all just finish class with wild hair and wilder accessories? Or does everyone start re-braiding and peeling off their colorful gloves? I want to know more. Much, much more.

I mean face it, this largely okay-ish song is really just screaming to have been made into a plotless, full-length feature 80s teen sex comedy a la Private School. Then we could get a big finale scene of everyone getting involved in some crazy caper. Maybe they could bring back in that janitor from the first scene. Or Rodney Dangerfield. Or even a zany-graduation-antics scene. I'll take anything!

And don't worry -- I'll get my images game in order early for next week, so hopefully this won't happen again. I know this was WAY too many pictures for how much I actually had to say about this video this week, but once I finally got Photoshop up and running again, I was just a little too excited to be able to have pictures. And come on, even if the song isn't that great, this video is pretty dang entertaining.