Y&T, "Contagious"

It's Prom Season!  

THE VIDEO Y&T, "Contagious," Contagious, 1987, David Geffen Company SAMPLE LYRIC "(Ohhhh, ohhhh-ohhhh, ohhhhh, ohhhh) / Ooh, is gettin' dangerous, it's con-tayyyy-jus!" [Repeat repeatedly] 

THE VERDICT Now I know for people who are serious about their Y&T, Contagious is more or less the band's death rattle. But for people like me who are decidedly unserious, well — get ready for a shocker — I freakin' love this song. 

I know, right? Me? Y&T? Who'da thunk it? 

But apparently while a slick production, soaring vocals, and chanting don't work for Y&T diehards, for me it can't work better. I listen to this song all the time — it's a staple in all my workout mixes. I don't think they sound like Bon Jovi wannabes (Bon-nabes?) at all — I just think they sound hella good. 

And the video! Oh the video. This is truly Y&T at their finest. It's like they've taken all the elements of their previous videos — young protagonists, bad 80s movie feel, Airplane-esque sight gags, transformations, and so on — and melded them into one ultra, mega, mecha Y&T video. 

They really outdo themselves on this one, folks. And I love it. (I think for this whole post, just imagine me talking to you as if I were Will Ferrell doing James Lipton.) 

The video kicks off with a random kid riding a skateboard down the sidewalk, and then a shot of a slick-looking 80s guy in a tux cruising in a convertible (he's basically the James Spader of this video). The skateboarding kid (who's wearing a Y&T tee, btw) gives the convertible dude two thumbs up. As the guy stops in front of a little bungalow-style house, the non-Meniketti members of Y&T pop up for the first round of "Hey!"s. 

We then see James Spader's date — an attractive 80s blonde in a white strapless dress. You know the type — pearl necklace, french twist, hot in a bitchy way. Yes, she's more or less the Jessica Wakefield of this video.

The guys in Y&T smile and step away from the camera as she leaves her house. As Jessica leaves the frame, we get our first glimpse of the video's protagonist — a classic 80s movie nerd in a striped suit and heavy-framed, thick glasses.

 

Hmm, what should we call him... So many options for 80s movie nerds, from Revenge of the Nerds to Weird Science to... oh my gosh, you know what movie I watched the other day 'cause it was on Netflix Watch Instantly? Zapped, with Scott Baio. I forgot how amazingly weird that one is. It's sort of like a really non-scary horror movie that's kind of a comedy. 

Also, I think since previously I'd always watched it on the USA Network (always such a good source of bad teen movies during the daytime when you were on school breaks) I hadn't realized how much toplessness there is in it. Dude, there's a freakin' ton. 

All right, this nerd here is reminding me of Scott Baio, because he's got that "I'm not really a nerd, I am just being made to act and dress this way" vibe, so I'm inclined to call him Chachi. But I think that's too confusing, so let's just go with Screech. 

Screech swoons seeing Jessica all dolled up. Meanwhile, Y&T are lurking nearby, plotting something. We see Jessica leaving from what I assume is her house, while Screech (with his pants pulled up well past the navel) is leaving from a house next door labeled "Alpha Chapter Chess Club." Whatever Y&T, we get it, he's a nerd. No need to over-establish things here. 

Jessica hops into James Spader's car, and Screech (standing next to an old-school bicycle) waves enthusiastically at her from beside his porch. Jessica and Spader exchange a look, and she rolls her eyes. Screech becomes embarrassed, and the power couple drives off. This makes 3/4 of Y&T, who appear to have been hiding in the bushes the whole time, totally crack up. 

Screech takes off on his bike, but he's quickly stopped by Dave Meniketti himself grabbing his handlebars and singing in his face. They pull Screech off his bike (which one member of Y&T helpfully rolls out of the way), and at last, we've got all four guys in Y&T. 

Two drive up in a powder blue convertible (license plate 'SLICKER') while the other two toss Screech into the car. They drive off, with both guys in the front seat turning all the way around to continue singing at Screech, who's jammed in the middle of the backseat. Screech looks like he's gonna puke as they push and pull him while singing straight into his face. 

Oh, get ready for a Y&T silly visual gag — they drive past a bungalow house with a couple standing in front of it looking like Grant Wood's "American Gothic" (weirdly, this is so not the only metal video with an "American Gothic" reference). As the Y&T car rolls by, we see a flash of pink and green light, and then suddenly the farm couple have wild blown-out hair and sunglasses on, as if they were in an old Maxell ad. This makes Y&T crack up, but appears to terrify Screech. Y&T are supernatural!

 

And suddenly, we're at the prom. We get all these little random establishing shots which are great. Spader helps Jessica out of his car. A seriously MC Hammer-looking dude (he's got that weird tiny ponytail!) gets out of a Jeep Wrangler, while another couple walks by. 

Y&T pull up in front of a large banner that reads (in multi-colored block letters) "Warren G Harding Summer School Registration June 6th." They appear to be grabbing at something outside the car as they pull in. Then we see a random kid in a tux spraypainting the side of a dumpster, adding his tag before casually tossing the spraycan in the dumpster and being joined by his date. Seriously, can I watch this movie? 

Y&T hop out of their car, leaving a confused Screech behind. He fumbles his way out of the car, and the camera follows a couple's feet as they enter the school. They begin to climb stairs, while the camera goes under them, joining a dice game. Y&T join, and after Dave Meniketti rolls the dice, he then waves his hand again. A flash of light appears, and suddenly there are like two dozen dice, all sixes. 

The dudes who they seriously appear to have dressed as Run-DMC circa "My Adidas" appear nonplussed, while again Screech seems absolutely freaked out by Y&T's magic. (I'd also be remiss if I didn't mention that the dice players also include a white guy dressed as Ad-Rock in "(You Gotta) Fight for Your Right (To Party)", down to the red Stuyvesant t-shirt.)

Y&T bust into the prom, again pared down to a trio— what, did the director only let their drummer be in shots where he was sitting behind something? (The car, drumkit, etc.) That's cold. Oh no wait, there's four. Dang, did they get rid of their old drummer? (Again, this is how you know I'm no Y&T superfan.) 

They all sing enthusiastically. There's a dorky band playing onstage ("Yellow Tangerine," according to their bass drum) beneath a banner with what I assume is the prom's theme, "I did it my way." This repulses Y&T, and with an explosion of red light, they replace the band (and their banner and balloons, which gets switched to a Y&T banner). Y&T immediately commence rocking. 

Also yeah, this is totally a different drummer. I honestly hope that guy left the band for real, and they didn't just ditch the chubby guy they formerly had for this video (though if they had, it'd fit with the ethos of this video).

 

We see a couple of nerdy-ish guys enjoying the music, one dribbling a basketball. We also see a table of people watching, including I swear to god a guy who looks like their old drummer, who is holding a skateboard. I also enjoy the "surfer couple" — a blonde girl in a bikini top, sarong, and pukka shell necklace, and a blonde guy in just a white blazer (no shirt) and a similar necklace. Seriously, they could've stepped right out of "Party All Night." 

We can see balloons and streamers behind them, as well as a poster that says "Harding High School congratulates Dwayne Poindexter." Okay, I'm assuming that's Screech, but we can't see what he's being congratulated for. 

Ohh the next bit is classic Y&T video. We get a juxtaposition of first a quartet of nerdy, school-marmish women drinking from tea cups, and then a quartet of exaggerated biker types spiking the punch, with one woman taking a bite out of her cup and then spitting it out. 

We also see a couple of dudes in trench coats, hats, and sunglasses watching from the side — I'm not even sure what this is supposed to be. A new variety of nerd? Narcs? Principal? No idea. 

Jessica and James Spader walk through the room, and Screech tries to stop them. Spader soldiers on, but Jessica actually slows momentarily. Screech looks mortified and slinks away. We see many shots of Y&T chanting and rocking out, then another very Y&T gag — students dropping guns on a table in front of a man and a woman. At first it's hard to see, but there's a chalkboard to their right that says "Check your weapons here." 

There's also another congratulations sign behind the man at the table, but again, it's been placed too low to read what it's for. I don't know why they'd go to the trouble to make those signs and place them in the shots just to have them be obscured! 

The camera zooming into Meniketti's mouth tells us it is, indeed, "time to get wiiiiild." All the students at the prom jump up from their tables at once and begin enthusiastically dancing right in front of the stage (this shot was a bad idea — it's wide angle, and lets us see just how few people are actually there). I should also mention all Y&T's amps say "Y&T" on them. Not Marshall, not even Peavey. Just generic — oh, I mean, Y&T. Sure.

 

Screech makes a grab for Meniketti's guitar, and Dave waggles a "tsk-tsk" finger at him. He then points right at Screech. Screech spins around and slowly points at himself, and then poof! In a blast of gold light, he becomes transformed into an 80s movie hottie in a white tuxedo. He even winks right at us! 

Yes friends, Screech has become Zack Morris. Jessica is of course terribly impressed by this, while her date James Spader is much less so. Zack looks over at her all "How you doin'?" She seems amazed by this and hurries to his side. 

Zack then points again, and with a flash of green light turns Spader (or at least his head) into a cheap rubber mask monster. Meantime, Y&T are rocking hard, and Jessica is all over Zack. With the final round of "Hey!"s, Y&T take it over the top, while Jessica and Zack turn to us all slick in dark sunglasses. 

The moral of this video? Don't be yourself. Sure, they've got a lot of wacky Y&T stuff here, but come on — no robot?! This video has everything but the robot!! 

And weirdly, I feel like for me at least, this is the moral of this song — don't be yourself. Y&T stray from their straight-ahead rock roots and Def Lep it up, and I love it! 

This is, of course though, a really treacherous message. In both cases, you're giving up the affections of those who truly loved you for those of a hot, shallow girl who was previously only interested in making fun of you. It works in the short term, but as Y&T quickly found out, not in the long term. 

Honestly you guys, this video is like a vaguely supernatural version of Can't Buy Me Love wherein no one learns a valuable lesson about learning to be yourself, or even just about not whoring yourself out just to replace your mom's dress you accidentally spilled wine on. 

Warlock, "All We Are"

Everybody Rocks... Sometimes  

THE VIDEO Warlock, "All We Are," Triumph & Agony, 1987, Mercury 

SAMPLE LYRIC "All we are / all we are, we are / we are all / all we need" [Repeat 10,000x] 

THE VERDICT I feel badly that Doro Pesch is too often forgotten in the halls of metal. I mean come on, she's got that great, growly voice, she actually doesn't sing about sexy stuff (unless Dungeons & Dragons-y themes turn you on), and yes, she is gorgeous. 

I feel okay saying that because if you read this blog regularly, you know I spend a lot of time objectifying men, so it's not like the usual situation where someone's appearance only gets mentioned if they're a woman. This isn't to say she's totally above objectification — they do what they can in this video to sneak in a few disembodied butt shots, and come on, just look at the Heavy Metal-esque album art for Triumph & Agony. I mean, you'd never see Eddie copping a feel on Bruce Dickinson on the front of an Iron Maiden album! 

We do get to see this album cover come to life in the video, but — spoiler alert — not the groping. Instead, we see the Warlock come to life. He's hiding out under a bridge that spans a highway, with cars rushing back and forth below. 

Now I know this probably makes no sense, but for some reason this overpass area always reminds me of the movie Wolfen. I'm not really sure why — this video's several years later, and it doesn't really look like the Bronx. But something about it just brings to mind Wolfen. 

Ooh, maybe it's supernatural stuff happening in an urban setting? That could be it. I know there are like, way more obvious urban supernatural films, from An American Werewolf in London to Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan to Leprechaun 6: Back 2 Tha Hood. Hmm, why is it that Jason goes to the city, then to space, but the Leprechaun goes to space first?

 

Okay, I'm getting way, way off topic. Let's look at the video. So we see the Warlock hiding under the overpass, watching the cars beneath. He whips out a crystal that immediately gets struck by lightning and begins glowing (his eyes glow, too — he looks kinda like the Leprechaun). 

The crystal ball then shoots a bunch of new lightning out of it that freezes the cars below. The previously fast-moving traffic is all now stuck in place, with the drivers and passengers appearing to be frozen in their cars. I should mention that this is all basically silent — we hear the wind whistling around, and some crackly sounds for the lightning, but that's about it.  

A couple of metal-looking dudes — actually, I think these are the guitarists from Warlock — bring out ginormous Marshall amps that they proceed to set on the hoods of some of the cars. I should also mention that they're sparkling with lightning at first. They peep in the window of one of the cars and high-five each other when they finish with the amps. 

The Warlock shoots more lightning out of his crystal ball, making the band appear on top of a bus that is stuck in the traffic, and the song finally begins. Everyone in the band has busted out their best denim and leather — lots of studded accessories, frayed stuff, etc. I should also mention that it seems this band was really into Batman. One of the guitarists has a Batman logo sticker on his guitar, and while at first I thought it was a Warlock on the bass drum, on closer inspection, it looks to be the Joker. 

The force of the song beginning causes the car with the amp on it to explode from the inside. Okay, weren't there people in that car a minute ago? No one in the band appears concerned about this. They just keep rocking out on top of the bus. 

The longer Warlock rock out, the more the people down in the cars start to stir. Or at least, some of them do anyway — it seems to have more of an effect on the younger people than the older ones. 

I have to say, Doro's hair in this video is convincing me not to cut mine. It's like waist-length at this point (oh wait, I mean my hair — but hers is too in this video), and it bugs the heck out of me. But I don't know, seeing this video, I'm thinking maybe the solution to my hair woes is just to cut bangs again. Also, her wearing a bangle bracelet on her upper arm is reminding me that this is an excellent way to accessorize. 

Oh man, for the guitar solo, Doro jumps off the bus onto one of the cars and headbangs on the hood. This then causes the entire car to explode in a giant fireball! And yet, again, we're meant to believe no one is harmed. They actually show the shot of Doro jumping off the bus in reverse to imply she is somehow able to just jump up and backwards to get back onto the bus.

 

The chant-y breakdown part of the song actually prompts some of the more rocker-y looking drivers and passengers to leave their cars and come over by the bus. Others continue sitting in their cars unaffected (and apparently no one has noticed the explosions or had their cars damaged by them). 

Okay there's one shot I can't really explain. Doro appears to shoot a lightning ball out of her hand into some guy's crotch. It makes something jump off of his crotch, but I can't tell what. There's even a little lightning-bolt sound effect. I'm not sure what this bit is meant to be telling us. It looks like another thing where they're running the film in reverse to make it look like something is jumping off his crotch, but in reality something was falling onto it. What this was, however, I sure as heck can't tell, and I've watched this like a jillion times now. 

After much fist-pumping and guitar-swinging, the song fades out on a shot of Doro swaying back and forth. This fades into a close-up of the Warlock and his crystal, which he sort of gazes at appreciatively before the video fades out. 

Okay so forget Wolfen — you know what this video really is? It's a heavy metal version of "Everybody Hurts." And in fact it predates "Everybody Hurts" by several years. In that video, except for R.E.M.'s car, you see the cars pretty much already stopped, or at least bumper to bumper. 

Who's to say that a Warlock didn't cause that pile-up? I mean yeah, "All We Are" doesn't have all the ultra-depressing subtitles explaining what the people are thinking. But it does have the whole thing that the song building and building convinces the people to leave their cars, so there is that. 

Ooh, and the R.E.M. video has one ultra-depressing moment that is vaguely supernatural (the woman in the back seat of the one car who is implied to be a ghost). So yeah. Maybe Michael Stipe and company saw "All We Are" and were like, "You know what, that is a good idea for a video." Or maybe it's just a coincidence, since you rarely see anything in music videos done just once. But you know I like to propagate my random connections, so I'm going to go with it.

Nitro, "Freight Train"

All Aboard!  

THE VIDEO Nitro, "Freight Train," O.F.R., 1989, Rhino 

SAMPLE LYRIC "I'm on a freight traiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnn / I'monafreighttraincomin' / I'm on a freight traiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnn / I'monafreighttraincomin'" 

THE VERDICT Nitro are one of those groups where it's sort of like, did anyone actually listen to them in the 80s? I'm not sure. I definitely didn't know anyone who did. 

But then with the 00s and the birth of the viral video, suddenly everyone knew all about Nitro. Or at least, they knew that Nitro looked like a really over-the-top 80s parody, or maybe an obscure eastern European country's entry in the Eurovision Song Contest. 

But no, Nitro is regular ol' American hair metal. They are even on the cover of the book American Hair Metal. 

That said, there's nothing random about Nitro. This band was, as far as I can tell, a calculated effort to take every element of metal to its logical extreme. Vocalist Jim Gillette was known for shattering wine glasses by screaming, while guitarist Michael Angelo is famed for his "Quad Guitar X-400," which is more or less what it sounds like. I guess it goes to 44? It just makes me think of the Mooninites' quad laser. 

It's the kind of thing where you feel like, if they'd shown up with this in like, 1984, Nitro would've been huge. People would have thought this was so way cool. But by the time Nitro come around, I feel like people had kind of moved on. I mean the bands that used to have the really big hair (Mötley Crüe, Cinderella, Poison) now just had long hair, and some of the bands that previously had long hair now in some instances had short hair (think like Scott and Charlie in Anthrax). 

At first I thought Michael Angelo was the guy from the old "Metal Method" ads, but that's a dude named Doug Marks. But then a little googling and — lo and behold! — not only does Metal Method totally still exist, but both Michael Angelo (now using his last name, so Michael Angelo Batio) and Jim Gillette are instructors for them. Amazing!!

 

Oh wow — this is even more amazing. They were instructors for them. It says Jim's lessons were recorded in the early 90s. This is possibly even more amazing than if he were still doing it — these things are freaking artifacts! 

Michael Angelo, on the other hand, appears to still be at it — his most recent lessons are from 2010. Seriously, one day I may have to get it together and just scan some of these old ads, 'cause it seems like no one has put the old stuff online anywhere. I mean the Hit Parader I was (successfully) looking through for old Metal Method ads has ads like "40 yards lace $2.25." They say it is "marvelous for dresses, pillowcases, etc." but come on, this is Hit Parader, you're selling this stuff to people who will tie it to mic stands a la Steven Tyler. 

Ahhh!! Here we go. It took some digging, but I totally turned up a two-page ad for Jim Gillette's Metal Power. Please allow me to reproduce some of the copy, with original formatting intact: 

Have you ever wished you could hit those glass shattering high notes? If so, METAL POWER is for YOU! Instructor Jim Gillette has combined extensive Opera training along with his own unique style to create method of singing GUARANTEED to improve your range and power! Jim now has an amazing 5-OCTAVE RANGE and is striving for his 6th? How is such a range possible? Lots of dedication and the same technique offered in his lessons! 

Oh man, that is the stuff! My favorite is that opera is capitalized and in italics. Whoa, for $8 you could also get yourself an autographed copy of his debut album, Proud to Be Loud.

Next to an extra-ridiculous photo of Jim in full makeup, elaborately-teased hair, and a leather jacket with lots of chains is — wait, OMG, I just noticed that Jim is standing around a bunch of wine glasses on platters. You can't make this stuff up. 

Yup, I think we're supposed to imagine those shattering while he sings, since anyway as I was saying, next to this astonishing image it says "WARNING: This album contains the highest screams and fastest guitars ever recorded. Listen at your own risk." 

If you're wondering if these "fastest guitars" are Michael Angelo and the quad guitar, don't worry, they are. Later they changed the album art to this much less glammy pic, so thank goodness someone thought to scan the original.

 

Oh wow. These ads are the gift that keeps on giving. Apparently there is also a hotline you can just call to talk to Jim. "As an added bonus, JIM CAN BE REACHED BY CALLING THE HOTLINE." 

They also give extensive warnings around lesson IV, which is scream exercises. They say (again, with the original formatting), "DO NOT SKIP LESSON I, II, AND III. YOU CANNOT LEARN TO SCREAM WITH LESSON IV ALONE!!!" Oh dang, that is just amazing. 

I got so wrapped up in looking through my old metal mags that I forgot to talk about the video. What happens here. Basically, what you'd expect. Everyone has severely giant hair, though Jim's enormous blonde palm tree of hair is the biggest. Seriously, his hair is like one of those freak vegetables that win ribbons at county fairs. And speaking of things not found in nature, that quad guitar is all over this video. 

Other than the band going nuts on a little soundstage, we also see footage of (surprise) a freight train. Now not long ago I drove to Arizona, and saw a lot of freight trains going through the desert. Those things aren't too fast. Like, you can beat them with your car, and you wouldn't even be speeding. Shouldn't the song have been about like, one of those Japanese bullet trains? Maybe those didn't exist yet. 

Also, I can't believe I forgot this — in the "where are they now" department, so obviously Michael Angelo is still teaching people to play metal guitar really, really fast. But what of Jim Gillette? Duh! I totally knew this and forgot. Jim Gillette is now of course Mr. Lita Ford. I love the fact that they got married having known each other for two weeks, and yet are still together. When you know, you know, I guess. 

Though also judging how many of her tweets are about how great he is in the sack, I think they're doing okay. That said, last spring there were rumors they were about to do a reality show, and for every Sharon and Ozzy, there's a zillion other people who were broken up by doing a cameras-follow-you-around-at-home-style reality show. 

Think about it: Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, that tattooed drummer from Blink-182 and the Playboy Bunny, Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro, Brigitte Neilsen and Flavor Flav (though technically they also got together on a reality show, so...). 

That said, I can't find much more info on it than this sort of demo video Lita herself posted, so who knows if this is still really happening. 

Hold the presses! Oh snap and a half! Apparently this is on hold because in the time between when I wrote this post and well, now (and as I'm writing this it's still two weeks before this one goes up online — yeah, I work way ahead of schedule to make sure I bring you metal each and every week) Lita Ford and Jim Gillette are getting divorced. 

I'm like wait, what!?!? They didn't even make it to having their lives invaded by a reality show, and already?!?! You look at her Twitter and as of July she's saying "all is good" and tweeting hints about the reality show, and then yeah, I guess there is kind of radio silence for a while, and now they're splitting?!?! I mean, if the guitarist from the Runaways can't find true love with the ex-singer of Nitro, what chance does this mean the rest of us have?

Bon Jovi, "Always"

I Love the 90s  

THE VIDEO Bon Jovi, "Always," Cross Road, 1994, Mercury 

SAMPLE LYRIC "And I will love you / bay-ay-bayyy-ayyy, ah-all-ways / I'll be there forever and a day-ay / ah-all-ways" 

THE VERDICT I know I don't usually do videos from this late in the game. But don't you ever just think to yourself, hey, I'd like to talk about a video that's extra-long, extra-soap-opera-y, and stars multiple 90s "stars"? Well, that's what I said to myself, so I guess you all have to deal with it. And get ready, people, 'cause this is gonna be a long one. 

Let's get something out of the way first. "Always" is a very uneven song. Some parts of it are great (the "I made mistakes, I'm just a man" verse and the pre-chorus after it, par example). Other parts of it are brutal (the actual chorus, the freakin' strings). 

I have a pretty high tolerance for maudlin Bon Jovi, but this song pushes the limits. It's really wordy and a bit sludgy in places. A lot of it feels like the zillionth chorus of "I'll Be There for You", the one where they sing it a bit higher, and you're kind of just like, "Damn, they're still going?" 

Also, just for the record, what do I consider to be fully over the limit? "Bed of Roses." So see, even I have a TMBJ limit (Too Much Bon Jovi). I guess technically though I should also mention that I consider everything from this album on to fall into that category too — I can not abide "It's My Life" or especially (shudder) "Have a Nice Day." 

But anyway. This song was apparently originally written for the soundtrack of the 1993 film Romeo Is Bleeding, which explains the weirdo beginning ("this Romeo is bleeding / but you can't see his blood"). JBJ bailed on putting it in the movie, but he was later convinced to dig it up for their greatest hits anthology. I'm glad he did, because you guys, this video is ahmazing!! 

I'm too excited to talk about them as they appear, so let's just lay out now the stars of this video. Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora? Hah, I think not. No. This video stars Jack Noseworthy, aka star of MTV's utterly forgotten Dead at 21 and the villain from The Brady Bunch Movie. 

Full disclosure: I thought Jack was soooo hot at the time. I mean so hot. Face facts, I love guys with big, pouty lips. Apparently always have. And I watched the bejeezus out of Dead at 21, which was a bizarre attempt at a scripted action-drama by MTV — Jack had been implanted with some science-y thing as a baby, and he just found out about this, and has to foil it with the help of some woman who looks like Duff (not from Guns N Roses, I mean then-VJ Karen Duffy) so he won't die. I remember finding it really exciting, but being disappointed by the ending.

 

Here, I think he's been cast due to his passing resemblance to Jon Bon Jovi. Longish blondish hair? Check. Pouty lips? Check. Killer cheekbones? Check. All they needed to do was slap some temporary tattoos on him (Superman logo and cow skull with some feathers) to make the transposition complete. In any event, villain-from-The-Brady-Bunch-Movie is too long of a name, so we will call him Noseworthy. 

Noseworthy's girlfriend is played by Carla Gugino, who has been in just a huge amount of stuff. I didn't recognize her from anything in particular, but she's been in lots of TV, including long stints on Spin City, Chicago Hope, and Entourage, as well as all the Spy Kids movies. But what has she been in that I've seen? Um... uh... well... Son-In-Law. We will call her Son-In-Law. 

Son-In-Law has a roommate/friend staying with her or something like that (more on that when we get to the plot) played by Keri Russell, aka Felicity. Um yeah, we're going to call her Felicity. 

Last, we've got possibly the most far-fetched character in an already quite far-fetched video, the artist. And he is played by (drumroll, please!)... Colin from 90210!! I know, I know — in this video he still has his longish hair as he does when he plays (drumroll, please!) Skippy in Kicking and Screaming! 

But whatever people. It's Colin from 90210. I hope I need not have to say more, and that you understand how awesome this is. We will call him Colin from 90210 (oh by the way, this actor's name is Jason Wiles). 

The video begins all verite, with no music, just a street scene that looks like it's in Mexico but based on the rest of the video I'm going to say is in some magical hybrid of Mexico, Los Angeles, and who knows, possibly New York. We'll call it New Los Mexico. 

Anyway, the camera pans up from the street, through a wall, and into an apartment, which is when the music actually starts. Noseworthy is sitting there shirtless (yeah baby!) looking at a picture of Son-In-Law. He reminisces via a flashback about the good times they had when he took that photo, making out and driving recklessly. Aww, they almost ran that Jeep Cherokee off the road! Young love. Sigh!

 

We also start seeing Bon Jovi. They're playing in a weird empty-ish warehouse space, and they look all 90s. You know, shoulder-length hair. Jon is seen mostly in extreme close-up, while everyone else is far away and poorly lit. They appear to have all picked out their wardrobes together, settling on black tees and choker necklaces with big silver crosses and such hanging from them. Real creative, guys. 

Now Noseworthy and Son-In-Law are back at her place. It looks like every chick's apartment in every 90s movie ever — gauzy patterned curtains, elaborately unkempt-on-purpose bed, vanity table covered with photos and crap. Noseworthy is filming her with a camcorder, and of course, since it's a 90s video, Son-In-Law takes this as her cue to perform an impromptu exotic dance routine. 

I should also mention that this woman does not seem to know the difference between a slip-dress and an actual slip. Who says that's a dress? "Calvin Klein!" Anyway, Noseworthy can't resist, so he goes for her, leaving the camera on. 

With the first chorus, we already get to one of the most amazing parts of this video — Noseworthy and Son-In-Law go to a rave. Okay, maybe it's just supposed to be a club, but it's so ginormous it appears to be in a freakin' airplane hangar, so we're going with rave (there's also further rave evidence later). There are women swinging from ropes of flowers, and many of the partygoers appear to be male extras who have been instructed to more or less stand around and gape at Noseworthy and Son-In-Law. 

I can't blame them. These two have both twisted their hair into impromptu dreadlocks. Son-In-Law is wearing some crazy sheer thing, and Noseworthy has on a choker necklace and a shiny jacket. They keep wriggling around on each other, and at one point he pours champagne into her mouth. Allow me to also mention the part where suddenly it's a foam party. 

All their frantic making out is a weird counterpoint to JBJ singing really, really slowly. Noseworthy and Son-In-Law stumble back into her apartment wearing enormous novelty hats — boom! See? I told you it was a rave. Noseworthy is wearing a Mad Hatter type thing, and Son-In-Law has on a like three-foot-high furry Cat-in-the-Hat hat. 

She gestures to him to be quiet — Felicity is asleep on the couch! Why? Who knows. I mean, Felicity's wearing a t-shirt and jeans. So is she Son-In-Law's roommate? And she just fell asleep on the couch? I know this seems obvious now, but trust me, later this will be called into question.

 

Anyway, Felicity decides to turn on the TV since she's awake, and what, what, what?!? Apparently Noseworthy's camcorder is hooked up to the TV in the living room, 'cause Noseworthy and Son-in-Law are getting it on in living color. Felicity appears more amused than repulsed by this, because, you know, it's a metal video. If this weren't a metal video, it'd be either a) a roommate horror story or b) prn, I guess. 

The next morning, Noseworthy and Son-In-Law leave, and Son-In-Law kisses Felicity on the cheek all "See you later!" But then as they're leaving, Noseworthy looks back at her and winks, all "See you later." What is up with that wink!? "Yeah I know you saw us getting it on last night"? "I think you liked it"? "I left the camera hooked up on purpose 'cause Son-In-Law is turned on when I casually exploit her"? Who knows. 

Anyway, there's a jump in time with the beginning of the second verse, which is the strongest of the song in my book. Noseworthy and Felicity are sitting around, and she's wearing a low-cut top and throwing him the bone eye. It takes him a long moment to realize what's up, but once he does, Noseworthy acts fast. 

After a while of watching Bon Jovi sing, we see Son-In-Law come home carrying two bags of groceries. She looks around the apartment but no one's there. We then see that the TV's on (um, why?) and of course, the camcorder's also been left on (here's why). 

We see Son-In-Law's bedroom, where Noseworthy's lying on the bed. Felicity walks in with no shirt on (just the ubiquitous-in-the-90s Victoria's Secret Second Skin Satin bra), and Son-In-Law rips off her sunglasses all shocked as she watches it all on the TV. 

Noseworthy pulls Felicity to him by her mom jeans, and as they start going at it Son-In-Law runs into the room and throws a sack of groceries at them. I kind of love that she does that — it's like turning a hose on some dogs or something.

 

Felicity rolls around on the bed while Noseworthy watches Son-In-Law run away down what suddenly appears to be a suburban street. But before we get too far, see, this is what I was talking about before. If Felicity is Son-In-Law's roommate, why the hell were they hooking up in Son-In-Law's bedroom?!? Either a) dang, this really is a roommate horror story, just not the way we thought or b) Felicity is still in the wrong, but she's just a guest. 

Son-In-Law trudges through the back alleys of wherever-the-hell-this-is-supposed-to-be, ditching her obligatory it's-the-90s Steve Madden chunky black heels and sitting artfully on a random doorstep in a suddenly-very-urban-looking area (think NYC SoHo). The way she's put up her hair and draped that scarf around herself, it looks like she's about to start doing some ballet. 

But Son-In-Law is in luck — who should happen upon her but Colin from 90210! He offers her his coat and brings her up to his preposterously gigantic loft. I know everyone on TV has apartments that are way, way bigger than people can afford in real life, but his apartment is huge. 

Between the giant crappy paintings everywhere and his black mock turtleneck, we quickly learn that Colin from 90210 is an artist. Son-In-Law is way impressed by this. She's quickly seduced as he pours her champagne in seriously the ugliest champagne flutes imaginable. They look like they came from either Big Lots or the SkyMall. 

As per the inevitable, during the guitar solo Colin from 90210 paints Son-In-Law. And as per the even more inevitable, he takes off his shirt to do this, prompting her to likewise reveal herself. As the sort of second bridge begins, Son-In-Law wakes up alone in Colin from 90210's absolutely ridiculous Star Trek bed. 

Where has he gone? I don't know, but I really, really hope it involves... Ding! A low-speed chase. Ding! Getting Kelly Taylor back into drugs. Ding! Erin Silver nearly drowning in a bathtub. Oh snap, I bet he is at the Peach Pit. Ding! Peach Pit After Dark. (Anyone who simultaneously got the Beverly Hills, 90210 references there as well as the Kicking and Screaming reference wins at life.) 

Son-In-Law goes and looks at her painting. Aww, he painted her as Alice Cooper! For some reason, this prompts her to call Noseworthy. He comes right over and they begin making out immediamente. 

She starts to show him all the weird crap in Colin from 90210's loft, and he quickly finds the painting. I guess he can tell she's topless in it even though it's pretty — well, to be generous we'll say it's pretty abstract. 

In any event, Noseworthy goes ballistic. He topples over what appears to be a shopping cart full of art supplies, then throws a speaker while Son-In-Law tries to hold him back.

 

But nothing can hold Noseworthy back from his final act of destruction — yup, the ugly painting. He stabs the painting repeatedly while Son-In-Law looks on in tears. Once done, he's all smiles, but Son-In-Law just looks at him all teary and does an awesome "talk to the hand." 

Now for the most improbable part of the video. And I mean more improbable than all these women letting Jack Noseworthy videotape their sexcapades, more improbable than Colin from 90210 owning that giant apartment, more improbable than Son-In-Law appearing to walk from a favela to the L.A. suburbs to Manhattan. Even more improbable than the fact that it's suddenly night again. 

Noseworthy blows up Colin from 90210's loft. Yup. I know. Okay, we don't see him do it, but we do see flames explode out of its windows, and then we see Noseworthy walk out of the building past the firefighters like it's all NBD. 

He passes Colin from 90210, who's on his way home and probably wondering WTF happened, and they give each other a long, hard look that says a lot without actual words. But if there were words, they would be... Colin from 90210: "I banged Son-In-Law, and I painted her naked." Noseworthy: "I blew up your apartment. And besides, I still have hours of our sex tapes." 

The video concludes back in Noseworthy's apartment. He's still staring at that photo of Son-In-Law when suddenly he sees her, dressed just as she was that day in a slip dress (that for once actually is a slip dress) and a floppy hat. 

He walks up to her, but you can already tell from how totally artificial and green his computer-generated shadow is that she's not really there. She dissolves when he reaches out to touch her though, in case you didn't get the idea already. 

Morals of this story? Don't let Felicity sleep on your couch. Don't paint strange women you meet on the street lest your Star Trek bed and all your crappy paintings wind up in flames. Don't go to raves, they are hella lame. Or really, the most obvious lesson, and yet one celebrities seem to forget all the time — sex tapes are always a bad idea. Ah-all-ways! (Sing it!)

Europe, "The Final Countdown"

Ground Control to Major Tempest  

THE VIDEO Europe, "The Final Countdown," The Final Countdown, 1986, Epic 

SAMPLE LYRIC "It's the final kee-yount-down / [lots of signature keyboard riff] / the final kee-yount-down / [still more keyboards]" 

THE VERDICT Okay people, I'm warning you now: This post goes severely off-topic, even for me. 

Well, actually technically it's not off-topic — I mean, it is all relevant to "The Final Countdown" in one way or another. But do I actually talk about the video? Umm... let's see. 

I honestly could not be happier that at this point in history, this song is firmly associated with pompous weirdos. Seriously, there could be no greater tribute to Joey Tempest et al. but for this to be more or less the theme song for Gob Bluth, as masterfully played by Will Arnett on the dear, departed Arrested Development. 

If you are the one person left who hasn't seen this show, what are you waiting for. Do it before the movie comes out and inevitably leaves us all with a funny taste in our mouths. I'm not saying it's going to be Sex and the City II bad, just that with this much build-up, it's going to have to be like, well, I don't even know what in order to appease the fans. 

Then again, oh snap — "The Final Countdown" was also Bryan Danielson aka Daniel Bryan's intro music in ROH. What, WWE wouldn't pony up for that one? Then again, I guess "The Ride of the Valkyries" is a little more, you know, classy. But still, I would sing along with him! Plus I feel like it would allow them to play up his awesome angle as sort of an accidental ladies' man. 

Anyway. "The Final Countdown." Why are we here? I had kind of wanted to save this one until I had something I was counting down to, but eventually I didn't feel like waiting. This is mainly because I recently purchased Singstar 80s — yes, the karaoke video game — and it's got "The Final Countdown" on there, and so now I have it pretty much permanently stuck in my head. 

Sadly, this is more or less the only metal or even metal-ish song on that game— there's no Poison or anything (that said, I think I have "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" on not one but two other karaoke games). They do a weird job with it, too — there's not enough singing at the beginning, so they make you sing along with the keyboard. "Da da da da, dadadadat-da!" over and over again. 

But singing "The Final Countdown" does force you to remember what a totally bizarre song it is. You sometimes forget when you're listening to it, 'cause Joey's weird screechy voice is really easy to hear as nonsense syllables, but this song actually has a plot.

 

It's about a manned space mission to Venus. I guess you could see it as a sort of internal monologue for the astronauts. Supposedly Joey Tempest copied the premise directly from was inspired by "Space Oddity." (Which was inspired by 2001 — how far back can we trace this thing?) But trust, this is no heir even to "Major Tom (Coming Home)". Possibly though it is an heir to First Spaceship on Venus. 

Okay really though, this is interesting. So Stanley Kubrick directs 2001: A Space Odyssey, which is written by Arthur C. Clarke, who based it partially on various pieces of short science fiction he'd written. That film inspires David Bowie to write "Space Oddity," which is a dialogue between "ground control" and "Major Tom." I guess he didn't want to call him "Major Dave" lest it seem like it was about himself? (Or maybe Hal said "I'm afraid I can't let you do that, David Bowie.") 

Somehow a lot of accounts mix Elton John's "Rocket Man" into this lineage, since they're sort of thematically similar. As a moment's Googling just told me though, my long-time intuition about that song was correct — "Rocket Man" is not a "Space Oddity" hanger-on but is indeed based on the Ray Bradbury story "The Rocket Man." 

Fun fact about me: I am not much of one for science fiction, but I have a deep affection for Ray Bradbury. I read The Illustrated Man, which includes "The Rocket Man", at my dad's suggestion when I was ten, and loooved it. I've read a lot more since, but it's still my favorite. 

In any event, Elton John's "Rocket Man" is on a separate mission from "Major Tom." However, he is not on a separate mission from the much less well-known song by the same name that apparently Bernie Taupin nabbed that song from. Sigh. Anyway, that "Rocket Man" was based on the Bradbury story, so we can still count it as separate from this whole "Major Tom" genealogy. 

Anyway, then we get the sort of beginning of the bad 80s genealogy. Bowie ushers in his 80s phase by releasing a second song referencing "Major Tom." Instead of a space hero, he's just a junkie. I'm sure it's a bunch of metaphors or whatever, but for me it's just like 80s David Bowie is not that good. 

From here though, it only gets cheesier with 1983's "Major Tom (Coming Home)." Oh wait, to clarify, we've now moved on from David Bowie to Peter Schilling. In any event, it offers much more specificity as to what the hell happened up in space, and seems to offer us a vision of Tom as peacefully reconciled to his own demise. Or sort of hallucinating at the end and believing his home to be in space. Whatever. 

All of this finally brings us to 1986, and Europe. Instead of just "Major Tom", now we've got a group of astronauts doing a sort of group internal monologue. The "her" in this one is Earth, not a wife and kids as in Bowie or Schilling. But Europe's major addition to the whole "Major Tom" mythology is his destination: Venus.

 

Venus? Really? I mean yes, it rhymes with "seen us." Now call me old-fashioned, but I am pretty sure "Mars" and "moon" rhyme with quite a few things, too. I mean Venus just does not seem hospitable. I remember learning all the different planets in third grade or so, and it was like well Mercury's close to the sun and way too hot. But then Venus is like, covered with poisonous gases. So why not, I don't know, the moon? It's right there. You're all bouncy on it. It's not crazy-hot. Plus given that all these songs are about the space program of the 1960s, the real-life objective was clearly the moon. 

But if Europe want to go all exotic, why not Mars? Mars does seem to be the one that people feel is most feasible. I can think of like, dozens of Bradbury stories that take place on Mars (I mean, The Martian Chronicles is more or less just Mars-related stories!). But I can only think of one that takes place on Venus — "The Long Rain," which is also in The Illustrated Man. Spoiler alert: It doesn't go too well for those astronauts. 

Mercifully, Europe don't have the last word in the "Major Tom" mythology — I'm sure there's actually much more of it than what I'm chronicling here, but I'm limited by what I know about. 

In any event, the most recent addition I can think of comes from one of my favorite TV shows, The Venture Brothers. In their first season and in what I still think is one of their finest episodes — "Ghosts of the Sargasso" — they basically do "Space Oddity." Masterfully, as always, it combines being hilarious and containing a plethora of pop-culture references with creating a complex, detailed world for the characters. 

"Major Tom" was sent to space by Dr. Jonas Venture, his wife remarried the "Action Man" (who then is revealed to be a member of Team Venture), and so on. Oh, and a lot of it is a combined homage to one of the earliest episodes of Jonny Quest ("Mystery of the Lizard Men," which also takes place in the Sargasso Sea) and to numerous episodes of various Scooby-Doo shows (all the ones featuring ghost pirates). I mean, how can I not love this? 

Hmm, wasn't there something I was supposed to be talking about? Ohhh right, the video, the video. 

Well. We basically see Europe performing live-ish (in their homeland of Sweden, by the way) interspersed with footage of their "control room", as well as shots of various places in Europe (the continent, not the band! There's likely also a lot of Sweden in there, but I'm bad at recognizing this stuff). A lot of the footage has old-school computer text — you know, green or yellow text on a black screen with a blinking box cursor — superimposed over it. 

But yeah, that's about it. I mean, unless you really want a lot of descriptions of Joey's flared nostrils, crazy perm, and Johnny Nitro necklace. But really, do you want that? Wasn't learning about all these weird songs related to "The Final Countdown" more worthwhile? Maybe?

Scorpions, "The Rhythm of Love"

Babes! In! Spaaaaaace!


THE VIDEO Scorpions, “The Rhythm of Love,” Savage Amusement, 1988, Polydor

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC “Ze rhythm of love! / [keeps me dancing on the road] / ze rhythm of love! / [got the groove that hits the bone] / ze rhythm of love / [is the game I’m looking for] / ze rhythm of love / [is the heartbeat of my soooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuullll]”

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION The camera pans through a depopulated, futuristic urban landscape of oddly shaped buildings (think the Space Needle meets Blade Runner), some of which periodically shoot flames. They’re all done in dark, drab colors but lit by a reddish orange sunset (or smog-filled sky, hard to tell). A crappy looking plane (I guess it’s supposed to be a space shuttle, but from this angle it looks like a fighter plane) comes in from the bottom left and flies between the buildings toward a big mountain (or pyramid maybe) type thing in the background.

A futuristic-looking brunette (her clothes are like Paco Rabanne in the 80s) steps out to look at it, and it zooms on toward this mountain-type thing, which is basically like a mountain but covered in uhhh… covered in the stuff the Terminator is made out of. Not the liquidy silver stuff, but the like, wires and cables and robot stuff. It’s topped off by a super-skinny castle, sort of like an anorexic version of the Emerald City (and also uh, gray and not green). The plane heads straight for that as the sky turns blue-gray and lightning flashes. As the plane gets closer, random plumes of flame shoot up on different parts of the mountain.



Another future babe in a black catsuit thing walks along, lost in thought but still managing to touch herself provocatively. She walks past a window through which the orange sky is visible as she unzips her catsuit. The plane settles down to land on a little landing pad by a rectangular opening in the mountain, but we only see that for two seconds cause as Klaus Meine starts to sing, we see a random shot of a babe mussing her hair with parted lips.

The Scorpions are silhouetted and backlit as they enter the weird opening, then that lady starts sort of dancing a little bit, Tawny Kitaen-style. The Scorps are performing as per usual, but the actual stage appears to be made up of futuristic looking wires, pipes, etc (think a really crappy, like an untalented 13-year-old’s imitation of an H.R. Giger drawing).

Oh wow, they just showed two shots of women in succession that made me laugh out loud. It’s a little hard to tell what was happening cause they were severely cropped and lasted two seconds each, but in the first a woman sort of exposed her cleavage while talking on the phone, and in the second a blonde brandished a gold whip while making what was almost a parody of a sexy face.

We then see a bunch of the Scorps in succession: Klaus, Rudy (with absurdly teased hair), blonde guy I can’t remember the name of. Then we see that the dancing woman is actually sort of bobbing back and forth in front of a mirror while she continues to unzip her catsuit, followed by Matthias who is so into the music (already!) that he has his eyes closed. Then a backlit shot of a woman taking off a bra. Wow.



Oh wow. Again. Wow. As the music picks up a little, suddenly the floor in front of the Scorpions’ stage is covered in crawling, bikini-clad women. There’s a bunch more of different shots of the band members (including Herman) then—amazing—a more pulled back shot of the blonde, she actually appears to be dressed as some kind of futuristic Little Bo Peep. The thing I’d ID’d as a whip appears to be that giant hook that you use on a sheep (god knows how, but I’ve seen them a lot in cartoons). Oh wow, they keep showing her interspersed with shots of Klaus, she’s like playing with her jewelry or something but like…was this her first video or something? The faces she makes are priceless. The brunette’s hair gets blown by a fan one more time, then it’s the chorus.

The various band members nod firmly as Klaus shrieks “ze rhythm of lav!” and we see the brunette dancing around silhouetted behind an orange screen. She’s taking off a men’s shirt, showing that even in the year 3000 or whatever strippers have not gotten that much more creative. The Scorpions' onstage antics (kicking, singing into the same mic) are causing the women on the floor (who I can now see are in torn-up, what I always think of as Les Mis-style outfits) to crawl more furiously. Wow.

Okay, the woman in gold is wearing an enormous cone bra (think what Gautier made for Madonna, but in like a DD) that is covered in gold rope. It looks like she’s wearing a couple of beehives, but I guess this is what we will think is sexy in the future. The woman behind the screen finally struggled her way out of that shirt, and we get a bunch of reaction shots of women making sexy eyes at the camera (which reminds me of Zoolander). Also, I’ve just figured out that the jewelry-type thing one of the women keeps fiddling with is a large pendant shaped like a scorpion.



Okay, verse again, so now one of the women is taking a shower. Matthias (eyes still closed) smiles to himself, and Rudy—between the teased hair and the inevitable porn star mustache—I can’t even bring myself to comment. He’s doing this entire song grinning and leaning forward while standing with legs akimbo. The woman behind the screen is interacting more with the stool she’s got back there now (sorry, forgot to mention—there’s also a pole she keeps grabbing).

In the other room, that one brunette is still in front of a fan, and still engaged in sexy struggle with the zipper on that catsuit. We see more of the Scorpions, then more of the heinous blonde lady, then Klaus mimes the “don’t you close your eyes” line Dio-style, by waving his hands with fingers apart in front of his face. He actually looks like a version of Dio with more delicate features, come to think. Ooh there was a really brief shot of a woman petting a white cat in there—subtlety, always the Scorpions’ strength.

Oh wow! Jeez, they went all out for this one. Okay, there are a bunch of poorly lit boob shots leading up to the chorus, but there is one amazing shot where two of the Les Mis dancers knock their butts together in front of the bass drum. It happens for two seconds, but it is worth the two seconds it takes to rewind and pause. Anyway. Now the brunette is getting into a red sportscar for some reason, and here’s the blonde again—she’s like sitting in some sort of throne, and the thing she’s holding is actually just a bunch of rope. Sigh. She also has an incredibly foolish looking crown thing on her head.



The brunette pulls her legs into the car and touches herself some more for the second chorus. We also see another woman who is silhouetted in blue light and dancing around and playing with her hair. Flash pots have started to go off behind the Scorpions’ stage. One of the Les Mis dancers shakes her ass, and the blonde lady continues to try to make the right face. All the Scorpions continue to punctuate the song with their chins, and also by jabbing their guitars. Now larger explosions are happening on either side of the stage. All of the band members sing along.

For the guitar solo, the camera pans past the torsos of women in very 80s-style bikinis. Matthias dances around like crazy and there are lots of explosions, and for some reason they also show a lot of shots of Herman (everyone else appears to have left the stage in some of the shots). Haha, the women in front of the stage are waving their fists in the air. Oh wow, there was just quite the butt shot. They are only showing these for like not even half a second each. Now the brunette is all the way in the car, but she is sticking her legs (she’s wearing stockings and black heels) out the driver’s side window and rubbing them.



As the vocals kick in again, explosions abound, and that main brunette makes faces at the camera. Whoa, more butts! And now the blonde is sort of rubbing herself with the rope. The brunette keeps covering parts of her face with her hair. Lots of sexy reaction shots (eyes go wide, touch mouth with hand) of the women are interspersed with lots of unsexy reaction shots of the Scorpions. Oh man, now they have all the Les Mis dancers shaking their butts in a row (and the camera is showing only their butts).

There’s also a brief shot of I think the brunette wearing a minidress and walking away from the camera carrying something, it’s unclear what but she is outside. She appears to be attaching whatever it is to the bottom of the Scorpions’ plane. They won’t stop showing the blonde woman. The Scorpions walk away, and we see them in silhouette again (they put Klaus in the middle so he looks especially short).

The Scorpions then sort of evaporate (disappear anyway), and we see their plane lift off. Oh, but that lady’s bomb drops off of their plane -- sorry, forgot to mention that on second viewing, realized she was attaching a bomb to the bottom of their spacecraft in the previous shot. So as the song winds down with the quiet singing part, the ladies’ mountain palace explodes. It’s weird because this whole video had been looking mostly like crappy computer animation, but in this scene it looks like they are blowing up a model. Actually in this scene the whole cityscape looks much less ornate, so maybe they are blowing up a model. The Scorpions definitely very computer-generated plane then flies away as the future babes’ mountain palace burns.

THE VERDICT So I actually wrote the description of this video literally more than a year ago -- in July 2006. That’s crazy. I thought doing what I do now I would have way more time to blog, but apparently being chained to a desk in an office is way better for that kind of productivity than basically having all the time on earth to do whatever the hell you want.

Never the less, this thing has been going on too long for me to give up now, so I’m back. I’m working on fixing up the way this thing looks -- I’m still not so hot with the CSS, but I’m working on it. Or I will be anyway. I still heart the metal, and no matter how many times I move away from it, I always find my way back -- let’s face it, I listen to a lot of different stuff, but this is the only music I consistently like. I never don’t feel like listening to it. Even filthy, filthy tracks like this one.

So, in spite of how exhaustive my description is, I left myself (a year ago) no notes as to the verdict! Well no, actually -- I left a couple. They are these: “Okay uhh, someone watched Heavy Metal a few too many times.” And “One of the most awesome Jonny Quest episodes is where Race kills a scorpion with a whip.” In trying to label this video -- as much as I hate on Blogger, I love the labeling feature -- I realized there is like, nothing that isn’t in this video.

I mean jeez, they’re in friggin’ space, and then all the sudden the brunette is feeling herself up in a car. A car! Not a like, hovercar or anything, just a car. Why is the sports car in space? There are explosions, spaceships, women in every sort of costume, fire, the friggin’ car… I mean really. The Scorpions gave it all they had on this one. Like every Scorpions song, if you only listen to the parts you can understand (basically, “ze rhythm of love!” screamed over and over again), you think it’s kind of romantic (or something), but if you actually look up the less intelligible lyrics, you realize that, like every Scorpions song, it’s hella dirty (“an exploding shot of pleasure / is what I’ve got for you”). Ewwww! I just don’t want to find that beat I’m apparently looking for with Klaus Meine, sorry but true.

P.S.: Like Pigs! In! Spaaaaace!

KISS, "Tears Are Falling"

Paul Stanley's Playhouse

THE VIDEO Kiss, "Tears Are Falling," Asylum, 1985, Mercury

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "You look at me with your eyes in tears / and then it's raining / looks like it's raining / oh no / tears are falling"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION The video begins with two images flashing back and forth in rapid succession: a waifish looking video girl (come to think, she looks just like a less babe-a-licious version of the girl in Danzig's "Mother") looks into the camera, crying; and Paul Stanley's neon gloved jazz hands. This is the backdrop to the song's heavy guitar opening, which continues as we hear Paul go "ah!" and then see a weird, sepia-tone shot of him reacting as if (verbally, if not physically) slapped.

Next we see the girl in her house, also sepia-tone. It looks like the kind of place the Mystery Inc. gang always find themselves in on Scooby-Doo, Where Are You?. All of her furniture -- a loveseat, several chairs, a small coffee table -- is covered with sheets, and the back wall is all huge windows which are covered with gauzy curtains. She jumps up and starts tearing down the curtains, pulling their rods down and everything, and as she runs across the room we can see a non-sepia-tone Paul peeing in the corner. On second thought, he's probably just standing facing the corner with his hands at his waist -- but see, you can see why I made that mistake.

Anyway, as she pulls the curtains down, it lets light in but also makes an insane amount of dust go everywhere (maybe the sheets were on because her floors were being sanded? But I think you'd have to just move the furniture out for that). As she nears him, full-color Paul whips his head around and the song begins in earnest.

First we see Paul onstage. He's wearing a neon pink jacket covered in some sort of pink and orange frippery and boasting enormous shoulder pads over a low-cut yellow tank top (the jacket makes me think of the old Shawn Michaels tag team The Rockers). He also has on neon green fingerless gloves with long yellow fringe hanging from them. Whoa. He's also wearing a lot of makeup -- but no, this is 1985, remember, so I don't mean KISS makeup. I mean regular lipstick.



Gene is next, but his outfit goes by a little too fast for me -- it's much darker, gold, burgundy, purple, etc., and if I had to do a word association to describe his outfit I'd say King Tut, since he's all bejeweled and wearing a big flat collar/necklace thing. Their most recent addition, guitarist Bruce Kulick, has on a tent-like red top, and Eric Carr has (as per always) giant, giant hair and an almost equally giant feathered earring. He's wearing a turquoise jacket, yellow and red belts (or sashes?), and purple pants. This sounds like an outfit I would have chosen for myself in 1985, so I'll allow it.

As Paul continues to sing and gesture dramatically (he's not miming, but enthusiastically pointing at the camera a lot, if you see what I'm saying), we see a tear run down the young lady from the beginning of the video's cheek. It falls into a cup of coffee, causing both cup and saucer to explode. Gene gives us a wink as we move into the chorus, and there we are.

The first chorus gives us our first real look at the set, which I have avoided talking about thus far because it's a real beaut. I'll try to get in all in in under a bajillion words. Kiss are on a stage that's about a 3' high platform made to look like it's made of rock. (To avoid lengthy explanations like this for the rest of this video, let me just use quotes -- imagine me making those stupid finger quotes -- whenever I am trying to say something is mad fake). The platform is surrounded by a "moat" of dry, flat blue plastic which has a few more "rocks" scattered around it. "Jungle vines" and "rope bridges" crisscross the stage, and there are some "plants" back by Eric. Behind him, there's a small "volcano." The backdrop for the set is sort of a red and black "sunset" thing.

Since the backdrop doesn't even wrap around the entire stage, let alone the entire set, I'd like to think it's kind of tongue-in-cheek, "look, we're on a silly set," but based on Paul's outfit I'm going to venture a no. Also, before I forget -- there are a bunch of TVs scattered all around the set showing static, including a whole bunch hanging from the ceiling back by the "volcano". All of these different pieces move around all the damn time thoughout the video for an overall effect that can be easily described in two words (or rather, two compound words) -- Pee-wee's Playhouse.



Anyway. It's Kiss without their makeup so, I know, enough kicking them while they're down. Besides, at the end of the chorus Paul does a little dance and we get to see that he's wearing some pretty hot multicolored boots. Let's move on. We see a couple more "tears" on the sternum of the girl, then as we get into the second verse Paul actually does start miming. He mimes "pulling a rope" while he sings "hold you near," then claps his hand against his chest for "heartbeat" when he sings "your hearrrrrt."

Next we see him kneeling in the "jungle" and rubbing his cheek as if rubbing away a tear in a dismissive manner (a precursor to Ozzy's attitude in "No More Tears"?). Then we look at everyone in the band as they lean on each other and sing along, and a second "tear" joins the first on the girl's sternum (there was some liquor ad last year that used this image exactly, and I found it unappealing then too -- I can't remember who it was, unfortunately. I think a liquer thing, might have been Disaronno or Baileys).

Second chorus, we get another pulled-back shot of the set, and the girl's pulling down her curtains again. We watch Kiss dance and sing a bunch (Paul's really going to town with the "wooo-ooooh-ooooh-ooohhhhhhoohhh") then we see a "tear" run down the girl's knee, which is oddly a little hairy. Then "tears" run down the side of a guitar, and a curtain or piece of fabric is pulled away to reveal -- um, a showerhead. And so yes, if you were wondering, does Bruce go on to play the song's solo in an "outdoor jungle shower", the answer is yes.

We see the girl kneeling in some "fog," then get an amazing close-up of Paul's yellow shirt. It turns out its actually completely sequined/beaded and decorated with black, orange, blue, pink, and deeper yellow zigzags. Whoa. He's also pounding his chest again ("heartbeat"). A "tear" falls from the girl's face, and Bruce musters some guitar face, even though he's pretty soaked. Then we see Paul's shirt again. He's holding his pouffy jacket open to show it off. I wonder if he still owns it -- that must be a heck of thing to run across in your closet.



As Gene and Paul sing, the girl leans backward into the fog. Then, inexplicably, and proving without a doubt that Kiss are either a) taking themselves very, very seriously or b) not, we see that Paul has climbed one of the "rope bridges" and is swinging across the set on one of the "jungle vines." Then the "volcano" "erupts." Kiss dance in front of it while a tear slides down the top of the girl's foot. Then Paul, jacket and shirt-less, leaps with legs akimbo over Bruce and Gene.

After a little more clowning around with the band, the video ends with the girl lying on her covered loveseat as her curtains magically return to their original positions. We see her hand turn off a light switch, then as the light bulb turns on it starts pouring, yes, inside the room, as she's lying on the divan. As the camera approaches the girl, we see Paul's face superimposed. He's using his index fingers to mime "windshield wipers" in front of his eyes.

THE VERDICT Well. I'll be the first to admit that this is the hardest I've been on a video to date, but I would also have to say that this video seems to have been asking for it. The main problem? Kiss. Before you freak out, let me explain.

If "Tears Are Falling" was a song by any other band, it'd be a pretty good song -- maybe even a pretty great song. But Kiss are doing it, not, say, Pretty Boy Floyd (just to use a random example -- and yes, I can't find an even semi-legit link for them), which puts it in the context of other Kiss songs ("Strutter," "I Love it Loud," "Calling Dr. Love," to name some of my favorites), not Pretty Boy Floyd songs ("I Wanna Be With You," "Set the Night On Fire," e.g.). Do you see how this begins to be an unfavorable comparison? If a band like Pretty Boy Floyd had done this song, it would easily be the best song that they'd ever done. But since Kiss are doing it, and up till this point most Kiss songs are pretty good (we're still a couple of years away from "God Gave Rock N Roll to You" and "Crazy Nights"), this is a pretty bad Kiss song. But it's an even worse Kiss video.

Admittedly, unlike all of these other bands, Kiss are not products of the music video era -- they're precursors to it. That said, they definitely aren't (or weren't, I guess) at any point amateurs when it comes to manipulating their image, a point which only leads me to the greater question of why'd they ever lose the makeup, but that's one I'm not even going to touch. This does, however, explain why in their videos from the 80s Paul suddenly appears to be the band's unequivocal leader (just look at Gene -- that's why).

Paul's by far the most video-friendly band member, and in this video (and basically all of them) he's front and center, pouting and posing the whole time. He's also the only one shown with the woman in this video, implying it's a story about him (although based on his exaggerated pantomimes -- "Oh! I'm so sad for you"-- he seems pretty unsympathetic). Does any of this explain his excessively dandaical costumery? Well, no. Nothing really can, so we'll just have to accept the whole thing as something that seemed like a good idea at the time (just like taking off the makeup).