Van Halen, "(Oh) Pretty Woman"

Cowboys and Tarzans and Napoleon, Oh My!  

THE VIDEO Van Halen, "(Oh) Pretty Woman," Diver Down, 1982, Warner Bros. SAMPLE LYRIC "Oh you look love-ly, as you could beee / are you lonely just, like meeeeeee? / [Growl]" 

THE VERDICT Van Halen's first video that isn't just performance taped for Musikladen or one of those kinds of shows, and zoinks, it's a total WTF-fest. I find a lot of people aren't familiar with it unless they're either a) serious David Lee Roth fans or b) serious viewers of Vh-1 classic, since MTV wouldn't air it back in the day. 

Considering that by their fourth album you'd assume Van Halen were making decent music video money, this low-budget weird-off makes no sense. Seriously, it's like the Manos, The Hands of Fate of music videos. 

Lord only knows where this was filmed. I'm guessing it's winter in California — there aren't leaves on the trees, but there are leaves on everything else, and it looks sunny but kinda cold, so we'll go with SoCal winter. The main action appears to take place in I don't even know what — a ghost town? A long-abandoned girl-scout camp? Seriously, I've got nothing here. 

But wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. I should note that in a bizarre touch, the video starts not just with the camera panning around this strange landscape, but also by establishing what we're watching (something you almost never see, except in much later high-end rap videos, where it's usually meant more to imitate movies). First we see "Van Halen" written in giant stone letters, a la Monty Python's Life of Brian logo. Then we get "in", done in Western-looking rope letters. Finally, "Pretty Woman," done tiki-style. These type treatments give us some idea of the narrative consistency to come. 

With the song's lengthy instrumental opening, we move through this weird empty town (or whatever it is) to find a very slim woman in a white dress, nylons, gold heels, and a white headband who has been bound by her hands between two posts. She's struggling, and being aggressively fondled by a pair of little men who appear to be clad in red long underwear. I want to say this is the weirdest part of the video, but honestly it's probably not. It is, however, the part that MTV was not down with at the time.

 

We then go inside one of the shacks, where the little-person-bondage action is playing on a TV set that's covered in sort of security guard detritus (a bunch of empty coffee cups, what appears to be a plate of partially-eaten chicken). There's a little Quasimodo-type guy dressed in colorful clothing watching the TV from across the room. He jumps up and races toward the camera, and we see him bending in to twist knobs (as if we were behind the TV's screen). 

Some people claim it's David Lee Roth playing the hunchback, but I think that's just 'cause both make exaggerated faces. The hunchback sort of freaks out and spins across his little garbage-strewn room (which is illuminated by a bare light bulb — weird that it's this crap-looking but still has full-color surveillance capabilities, isn't it?). He climbs up a very rustic-looking ladder — apparently he has a better view of the lady being tortured from his second floor than he does from his TV. 

He runs back downstairs and — of course — gets on the phone. 'Cause yeah, even though based on the buildings' appearances this place wouldn't even have running water, they have electricity and phone service. Who ya gonna call? (Oh crap, now I'm gonna have the Ghostbusters theme stuck in my head all day. Whatever, I've brought it on myself.) 

Anyway, he calls Michael Anthony, who's elaborately dressed as a Samurai. This video is Michael Anthony's golden hour. Normally he kind of reminds me of George Costanza, but in this video he is almost reminiscent of Chris Pratt. And not of Chris Pratt as Che, the final nail in The O.C.'s coffin, but as Andy Dwyer, the swoon-worthy buffoon on my beloved Parks and Recreation. 

Anyway, Michael Anthony is standing next to a concrete wall and a bored-looking palomino horse, practicing swinging his sword around and yelling. He notices his phone — since of course, he also has a phone right there — and picks up, we assume talking to the hunchback. He puts on a hat and heads for the horse.

 

Next Quasimodo calls Alex Van Halen. Wow. Now speaking of being in your magic hour. This video is definitely Alex's finest moment. He looks like some kind of sexy Jeff Goldblum here, glad in a tiger-skin loincloth. He's squatting on top of a zebra skin in a reed hut, surrounded by random bones and, naturally, a phone. He's also wearing aviator sunglasses and a big necklace. Alex picks up the phone, doesn't say anything, and just throws the phone aside, runs out of his hut, and gives a big Tarzan yell. 

We then cut to Eddie Van Halen, already on the phone. He's a cowboy, sitting beside the remains of a campfire. Eddie has on a Richie Sambora-style black, flat-top cowboy hat, a red bandanna, black vest, one black glove (why?), and what appear to be black leather pants. He finishes his call, throws his cigarette into the fire, and then his stunt double does some gun-twirling (I mean, if Ed were doing it himself, we'd probably see more than just his hand in the shot, right?). 

And speaking of stunt doubles — we then see "Michael Anthony" riding his horse. Later we also get shots of "Eddie Van Halen" riding his horse through some water — they don't mess around here, putting a bandanna over the rider's face. 

But we must set that aside for a moment, because, at last, David Lee Roth has entered the video. And of course, is Diamond Dave squatting outside in the dirt? Oh hell no. He is sitting at a long tale in a fancy, formal dining room, and he is dressed as (naturally) Napoleon Bonaparte. He's writing in a ledger with a feather pen when suddenly he pauses, and — we cut to Alex running through a field. 

Oh, but then we're back with Dave. He's making a studiedly expressionless face while on the phone. And his phone is red — he couldn't even have the same phone as the other guys. Dave stands up, and then we see him walking through his giant house, which has an elaborate checkerboard floor. 

Suddenly, it's night, and the lady in white is still battling the little people. One is now wearing sunglasses and a Native American-style feathered headdress, while the other has on a cape and a top hat. Eddie, Alex, and Michael simultaneously walk up to face this little scene. 

Their arrival greatly alarms the little people, who let the woman go momentarily. Somehow in the confusion of all these reaction shots, the woman is suddenly untied, though she doesn't run toward the band, she just kind of jumps around.

 

Next thing you know, a white stretch limo comes roaring in through the fog (which has also mysteriously suddenly appeared). The Quasimodo guy (who was driving it?) runs around to open the passenger door, and of course, you know it's Dave. Too good for a plain phone, too good for a horse. I know I sound like I'm being harsh on DLR, but if you read this at all regularly, you know the man is like my patron saint, so I say these things in love. 

Dave looks at everyone else in the band, then sort of makes this lascivious chin jerk at the camera. Even keeping as much of a straight face as he does in this video, Dave still manages to throw off a slutty vibe. Then he turns, somewhat alarmed. 

Why? Because we've hit what may be the weirdest part of the video. The untied woman runs toward him, and as she does, she pulls off her hair and headband — apparently it was a wig. Not only that, but her face is ghastly pale, and her eyes appear sunken. She walks toward the camera, smirks, and — so wait, is she dead? Is she a zombie? No wait, on closer examination — is that a dude? WTF is up with this video? 

So, so many questions, and basically no answers. If I had to put where I liked this video, I'd still put it behind the late version Roy Orbison made (since obviously music videos weren't a thing in 1964), but well ahead of the Julia Roberts hooker-princess movie. 

P.S.: It was either this title or "Oh Bondage, Up Yours!", and quite frankly, I get enough hits from people searching for p*rn as it is.

Cinderella, "Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone)"

Break Out the Lighters!  

THE VIDEO Cinderella, "Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone)", Long Cold Winter, 1988, Mercury 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Don't know whatchu got / 'til it's gawwww-aaawwwwwwwn / don't know what it ii-is / I did so wraw-awww-awwwwwwwng / never know what I got / it's just this sawww-awwwwwng" 

THE VERDICT What better song with which to end power ballads month than with the best song about things ending ever? It's the very last day of March, so that means power ballads month is coming to a close. Bust out those lighters (no cell phones, people, this is an 80s-centric site!), find a make-out partner, and let's finish it out with a bang. 

There's a reason why "Don't Know What You Got" is in approximately nine-million montages — usually of jubilant metal mayhem, like hair band members spraying each other with beer backstage or being jumped on by women in bikinis. It's poignant, it's heartbreaking, it's absolutely pitch-perfect. Like Roy says in the episode of The Office when they think the Scranton branch is closing: "You know that Cinderella song, 'You Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone)'? That pretty much says it better than how I know how to say it... in words." 

It's so true! This song is absolutely gorgeous. I can point to about a million parts of it — well okay, it's not that long a song. I can point to several parts of it that are just incredible. 

Everything about the lyrics, pretty much — "I can't make you feel, what you felt so long ago," I mean who hasn't felt that with someone at some time, wishing you could recapture something ephemeral. And the pre-chorus, with the building guitar and the ultra-growly Tom Keifer vocal ("if we take some time, to think it over bay-bay") is amazing too.

 

And then the chorus itself! I know I often complain about the choruses in metal ballads — there's a fine line between perfect and maudlin here, and Cinderella manage to brilliantly toe that line. 

Unlike say "Every Rose Has It's Thorn," which nearly lapses into self-parody with its chorus, or (as I've also mentioned before) Bon Jovi's endless histrionics in "I'll Be There For You," "Don't Know What You've Got" gets everything right. Sigh! This song is a tear-jerker for like a million reasons. 

I feel like it's also sort of the last gasp of the really glam Cinderella we all came to know and love with Night Songs. "Don't Know What You Got" is the only one of the four videos from Long Cold Winter that really shows us glam Cinderella ("The Last Mile" comes in second place). Let's face it — at this point, even though it's only 1988 (!), the guys have toned down the amount of hair product, they've mainly abandoned the colorful coats and cutaway pants, and I mean lace? Good luck finding much lace in Long Cold Winter videos. 

But in the "Don't Know What You Got" video, we still get a glimpse of glam. Every member of the band is isolated from one another in an open, outdoor space, which makes me feel a little nervous —why aren't they together? But it does make for a fairly magisterial visual. The camera zooms past them, flies over them, spins around them – it kind of goes with the soaring vocals and guitars in this song.

Tom Keifer is playing a freaking grand piano outdoors, for one. But two, he's wearing a long black and red coat, with a matching headband, and tons of silver jewelry. When he's playing piano, you can see he has a giant ring on like every finger. The black patches on his coat appear to be sequined, which is a great choice. It's very Steven Tyler circa Permanent Vacation. It's a little hard to tell, but he might also be wearing not just leather pants, but chaps (they guys are often backlit in this video, so it's hard to identify some of this stuff).

 

The other guys aren't working quite as hard to keep the glam flag flying. Jeff LaBar is playing a guitar with Marilyn Monroe's face on it. He's wearing a long black duster coat, a white shirt, and maybe yellowish or cream-colored pants, with a black belt and black cowboy boots. 

Fred Coury is the hardest to see, since he's seated behind the drums, and we often kind of spin past him. He's wearing black, that's for sure. 

Eric Brittingham has on an open white shirt that's knotted at the waist, and a coat that's a similar cut to Tom's, but in black. He's also wearing what appears to be a giant shark-tooth necklace. Eric comes in second-glammiest, but it's mainly on the strength of his hair. 

It should be noted though that Tom also has a less glam outfit. For the later sequences in the video when he's playing the guitar by what looks like an abandoned house, he switches to a Richie Sambora hat (one of those cowboy hats that's flat on top — I don't know the real name, but Richie Sambora always wears them), and a long, black, Western-style coat with some fringe. No, Tom! Keep glam alive! 

Likely due to a mental bias from "Gypsy Road" taking place in Mexico, I've long thought this video to be in Mexico as well. The overhead shots where you're flying over the band and can see the pools of water remind me of being way south in Baja California. On the way to San Ignacio, there are all these crazy salt lakes, where the water has turned all these different colors because of the minerals. They're really neat to see — it's just miles and miles of road with nothing but barren land and these colorful salt lakes. I know here probably a lot of the water's colors are coming from, you know, the sunset being reflected in the water, but still. 

Turns out however this video was shot much closer to home — they're at California's Mono Lake, which is almost due east from San Francisco (a little north of there) — close-ish to the border with Nevada, not crazy far from Tahoe but not super-close to it either. Probably closest to Yosemite. I've never been there, but clearly now that I know this Cinderella video was filmed there, I need to go.

 

I was right about one thing in my intuitions about its appearance from overhead in this video — Mono Lake is a salt lake. It also, as you can see from the video, has all kinds of amazing geological stuff happening. Apparently there are volcanic hills around it, and the crazy-looking columns of rock you can see sprouting out of the middle of the lake are made out of something called tufa, which is a type of limestone made by the salt deposits. In addition to being featured in this video, you can also see them in some of the album art from Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here (no, not the pic of the man on fire). 

I'm not sure if the bits with Tom at the abandoned house-slash-ghost town are also there, but one can assume it's nearby. Boom! And I found it. My best guess for where Tom is during the guitar solo is Bodie, California, which is a ghost town close to Mono Lake. 

I can't find anything where I'm 110% certain, but the general look and geography of it appear correct — a bunch of old-looking wooden homes arrayed about a mountain ridge. No one else has made this claim about this video before, but I'm going to go with it. Ooh, I love feeling that I've discovered something. 

And I love the end of this video, with all the members of Cinderella finally in the same place, standing in a row silhouetted against the lake, which is reflecting the vivid colors of the sunset. Even though I always feel bad for Fred Coury when he has to just clap or slap his thighs 'cause there aren't drums there, this still looks good. 

Call me cheesy, but seeing things silhouetted in black against a vivid sunset — or really anything — just gets me. I don't mean like iPod ads. I mean like when I'm driving in the evening, even though I've lived in California for years now, if I see palm trees silhouetted black against the sky, it still gives me a little thrill. Similarly, you can't hear this song and not get a chill, 'cause it's so darn good, and it just hits home. 

(I know probably everyone doesn't feel this way, but if you're reading this website, I feel it's safe to assume you do too! Or at least hopefully my one reader who I know loves Cinderella does.)

Iron Maiden, "Run to the Hills"

Another Awkward Thanksgiving...  

THE VIDEO Iron Maiden, "Run to the Hills," The Number of the Beast, 1982, Capitol 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Run to the hills / run for your liiii-iiii-iiives! / Run to the hills / run for your liiiiiiiiii-iiiiiiiiiives!" 

THE VERDICT It's Thanksgiving again, and since I publish my posts on Thursday and Thanksgiving is always on a Thursday, well, you'll have to endure another Thanksgiving-related post. Naw, I like doing themed posts! Everyone's in the holiday mood anyway (okay, readers in the U.S. are in the holiday mood maybe), but I don't know. I just like it. It feels timely, even if I'm writing about videos that are more than twenty years old. 

https://ironmaiden.com/

As per last year, since there aren't really metal songs about the Puritans, I've gone with a native American theme yet again. But this year I decided to go a bit more overtly topical — instead of just "Cherokeeeeee! Ohh!" we get an actual song about colonization. I know, it's still not Thanksgiving per se, but we're getting closer. 'Cause really, think about it — if any metal band is going to have a song about colonization, it's going to be Iron Maiden. 

If I had to guess, given their interest in British history I would suppose they have a lot of songs about colonization. If this is as close as we get, this is as close as we get (though maybe next year I'll try to dig up something related to the Salem witch trials so it's at least closer to being about the right century). In any event though, I'm going straight to the obvious — "Run to the Hills," which, if not in my opinion one of their best songs, is certainly one of their best known songs. 

If you know one Iron Maiden song, it's probably "Run to the Hills." (If you know two songs you know this and "The Number of the Beast," if you know three it's those and the borderline-cheesy "Two Minutes to Midnight"). If you're under 21, I have a bad feeling you know these from Guitar Hero and/or Rock Band, but that's another story. 

This video is split fifty-fifty more or less between the band performing and an old movie. I'll get to the latter in a minute, but first let's talk about the band. This video is pretty low budget — yes, the band's on a stage, but it's completely dark around them. Even though it looks like a live setup, they don't even try to pretend there's a crowd.

 

Nothing much is going on with the stage itself — there's a neat row of Marshall amps lining the entire back of the stage, and there are rows of colored lights above (one color per row). It's all very tidy. In general though, it's pretty decontextualized — they don't try to convince us it's a concert, or that they're in an empty warehouse, or anything like that. 

One of the weirder things about the performance footage is who gets shown during it. I would break it down approximately as follows: Bruce Dickinson 70%; the about-to-leave-the-band Clive Burr a bizarre 15%; Adrian Smith 10%; Dave Murray 3%; Steve Harris 2%. 

I mean yeah, obviously it's going to be a lot of glamour shots of Bruce. I mean that hair. If I looked that good in bangs I'd have them all the time. And those layers! I mean no matter how much he sweats they have just perfect lift and separation. I have a similar length, color, and texture, and trust me, my hair doesn't look half that good most of the time when I'm just sitting around, let alone were I to be like, screaming my lungs out under a bunch of hot lights. 

Anyway, without going on too long about Bruce (those lips!), it makes sense they show him a lot. This album is his big debut, and this song really shows off his vocal range. Why there are such a large number of shots of then-drummer Clive Burr is a bit more curious. I mean, sure, they went to the trouble to set up a camera to the left of the drum kit, but nothing's really happening back there. It's a little weird. 

And speaking of a little weird — there are like ten shots of Adrian for every one shot of Steve or Dave! I mean Steve Harris wrote the damn song. And as I always say, Dave Murray looks like a friendly cat. Nonetheless, those two have an impossible time getting on camera in this video — in general, you'll only see Steve or Dave if at least one other person is in the shot, whereas like you'll see loads of Adrian Smith just standing there. 

The other most notable thing about this video is, of course, the fashion. I feel like these were their favorite outfits at the time, because you see a lot of old promo photos of the boys wearing this stuff. It's also all the same clothes as the ones we see in "The Number of the Beast". In particular, Steve Harris seems to have really liked that referee-looking vest he has on.

 

But okay, what most people remember about this video isn't the band's performance — it's the bizarre old movie that takes up half the video. So the song itself is a sort of pastiche of native American history — it explicitly references the Cree, but I think that's just 'cause it rhymes with "free." 

Other than that, it's nonspecific to any one tribe's experiences — western imagery, alcoholism, theft, rape, etc. — though you can find people who'll argue it's about one particular conflict or another. Anyway, given that the song takes on fairly serious subject matter, and given that there were only about a zillion movies made covering this sort of territory, who knows exactly how Maiden wound up with a weird parody. But let's go with it. 

The film we're seeing is actually a short from the early 20s called The Uncovered Wagon, which is a parody of a silent film called The Covered Wagon from the same year. 

The Covered Wagon is a pretty straightforward early Western — a wagon train goes west, native Americans attack, white people prevail. Oh, and there's a love triangle. It's based on a western novel of the same name from 1922. It must have been pretty popular, because The Uncovered Wagon isn't even the only parody of it. 

I can't find out much about The Uncovered Wagon beyond what we see in the video. It appears to be more or less a similar scenario, but done in a slapstick way. (The star, James Parrott, was better known for directing Laurel and Hardy shorts). Toward the beginning, we see an ersatz native American applying makeup from a tin labeled "rouge." Instead of horse-drawn wagons, the settlers are driving cars with canopies over them — and rather than riding horses, the tribesmen have bicycles. As they exchange fire, we see lots of goofy things happen — settlers yanking arrows out of their butts, the faux native Americans doing pratfalls, etc. 

Anyway, it's sort of a weird choice for such a serious song. I mean even though the song sounds kind of joyful or exuberant, if you listen to the lyrics it's like "we've already been screwed in every possible way, and we're probably all about to die." The lyrics don't really go with such a goofy movie. The movie clips remind me of Don Martin cartoons in MAD magazine — he often used Old West tropes. 

Who knows though. Maybe Maiden just picked it because it does seem to prominently feature several shots of actors dressed as native Americans literally running to the hills. 

Sort of like how I picked this video because it fits, however awkwardly, with it being Thanksgiving, and my annual "let's remember the Pilgrims were not the first U.S. residents" message.

Saxon, "Ride Like the Wind"

Possibly the Weirdest Video Yet

THE VIDEO Saxon, "Ride Like the Wind," Destiny, 1988, Enigma

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "And I've got such a long way to go / to make it to the border of Mexico / so I'll ride / ride like the wind / ride like the wind"

THE VERDICT It's been a while since I did a video that is just a total mess of WTFery, so when I stumbled on this Saxon clip that I had utterly forgotten about I just knew I had to share it with the world.

As a disclaimer, even at the best of times I'm not a big Saxon fan. Technically, I'm not the biggest NWOBHM fan. Yes, I was technically born during the New Wave Of British Heavy Metal, but that means that by the time I was fully sentient i.e. watching MTV, hair was big, glam was king, and I was along for the ride. I mean, if there was one thing I worshipped as a little girl it was long hair (on both men and women). This is probably why I have had exactly one short haircut in my entire life, and I still feel like I'm recovering from that. BTW, it was ten years ago.

But anyway Saxon! So they've got a badass Olde English name, and yes, they gave Metal Sludge its tagline. But I'm just not feeling them as much as say Iron Maiden or Def Leppard (yes, pre-Hysteria they totally count as NWOBHM). I just feel like Saxon's sound is a bit too sludgy and plodding for me. Like "Denim and Leather" for example. Great sentiment, hella boring song. Even allmusic can't make up their minds about Saxon -- they refer to The Power & the Glory as both "unfocused" and "lackluster" and one of their "earlier classics."

Okay enough digressions, I'm supposed to be talking about the video. Or at least the song -- and in this case, the song itself is where the WTF begins. Now being me, I first knew this as a Saxon song. But then one day I was at the grocery store and I heard this playing, sandwiched in between the usual Amy Grant and other lite rock feelgoodery. Wait, what?! Saxon at the grocery?!

But of course, it wasn't -- it was Christopher Cross, since this is actually a cover song. At least two things are really weird about this choice. One, you'd think this was country music, because it's a story song about being a gunslinger on the run. But really two, Saxon don't do much of anything with it. As per the obvious, they guitar it up a bit, and lose the bongos and keyboards, but the vocal doesn't really innovate on the original, hence some of my confusion in the market.

Okay all that aside, the reason I'm even doing this is the video. And oh, the video. It takes the song literally, with all of the band members appearing to be in some kind of Mexican prison. Or maybe it's just the old west. In spite of the members of Saxon wearing 80s clothes and having their instruments (and an arm chair?!) in their cells, there's hay on the ground, and everyone else is wearing ponchos and sombreros. Biff Byford is pushing his head through the bars of his cell and looking especially old and tired.



But fear not! Look who's coming to save them... in some kind of weird, blue-lit factory space that appears to have nothing to do with the jail except that some of the old-timey prison guards are in it. Yes, Saxon's saviors are a trio of women wearing -- I am not making this up -- neoprene-looking bra-tops and high waisted skirts. They're all primary colors paired with black -- so yellow, red, and blue. The old-timey guards are chasing them with flashlights along some kind of catwalk, though we never really see them in the same shot together. Also BTW, these women are capable of a tremendous amount of hair tossing while they run.

Back in the jail, the members of Saxon are killing time. Nigel Durham is drumming in the air, in the great tradition of heavy metal drummers placed in music video situations where they don't have their drum kit. His cell mate, who looks like he's in a mariachi band, is drinking on the bunk above him. Another of the boys is doing push-ups and sit-ups on the floor. Biff keeps checking his pocket watch with his extremely feminine hands. Seriously, I hope it's a body double, it's kind of weird. Also, his wedding band is really pimptastic.

Then it's back to the ladies again. Lots of jiggle -- or okay, as much as all those neoprene bodysuits will allow -- as they run through some smoke. We get a bunch of closeups of their butts, showing us that they've come equipped with more carabiners than they probably need, based on the looks of that prison. We even get an upskirt shot from beneath the catwalk. Classy Saxon, really classy.

Somehow shots of the girls tossing their hair and looking frantic, close-ups of Biff, and Graham Oliver (or is it Paul Quinn?) looking extra bored laying on his prison cot with a guitar are meant to convey to us... something. That the girls are getting closer, even though they appear to be in a dystopian future, and the band seems to be in the old west? Oh no, I guess they were just signaling it was time for the guitar solo.

Oh wow. That was quick. And now Biff is packing a suitcase in his jail cell. He's packed his jeans and oh, don't worry, he's packed his gold record. His cellmate watches him semi-incredulously as he then sinks down into his armchair. Yup, it's the poshest prison in the old west. They let you bring all your stuff with you.



Okay, the ladies have made it to a door with yellowish light shining through the grates, and Biff has shut both his pocket watch and the cover on his record player. I think this signals that we're meant to think this gigantic dark warehouse is indeed somehow an annex of this old time Mexican prison. Oh wow, now they've used a system of pulleys and a can of paint to not simply pull the door of its hinges, but to break a giant hole in the wall. Seriously, you have to watch this video. It's amazing that it's 1988 and they still think stuff like this is a good idea.

The other prisoners look completely blase as the ladies enter the prison and liberate Byford. The others in the band at least bother to sort of acknowledge that something's happening, but even they seem pretty okay with cell life. I mean jeez, if they can bring their instruments and furniture and stuff, prison is kind of like the cheapest rent you can get, right?

Oh helpful. The redhead (yellow costume) has paused, looked around, and then dropped the keys to the cellblock in the middle of the hallway behind her. Nice way to let the other boys in the band know they're appreciated! Biff is leaving via the warehouse with the gals, while we see someone's fingers desperately grasping for the keys. Then he and the ladies then disappear into the fog.

Seriously Saxon, WTF! If you had to go all literal with this song's lyrics, you could have made a cool-ass video like "Wanted Man." Or even something a little bit cheesier, like "Blind in Texas." But instead, you turn it into some Wilson Phillips lookalikes (seriously -- straight blonde hair, curly redhead, bobbed brunette) wearing Body Glove busting you out of a Mexican prison. Or at least, a prison full of Mexicans.

The weirdness in this video is unstoppable. There's no riding in it. There's not even wind! It's like they made the whole concept for the video, then were like "oh wait, the song is about the old west, so the whole fog-filled warehouse concept isn't going to work." And then some enterprising individual was like, "wait, what if there's a door in the warehouse that leads to an old-timey Mexican prison!" And then everyone's like "congratulations, that's a fantastic idea."

Stranger things have happened... I guess.

Ozzy Osbourne, "The Ultimate Sin"

Ozzy Does Dallas

THE VIDEO Ozzy Osbourne, "The Ultimate Sin," The Ultimate Sin, 1986, Epic

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRICS "It was the ultim-uh-ate si-in / it was the ultimate si-i-in / it was the ultim-uh-ate si-in"

THE VERDICT I love how the opening of this video is like Dallas. Mansions, horses, Ozzy clapping in a black-and-yellow-sequined coat that looks like it belongs to Stryper... it's really a promising intro. Ozzy sitting at his J.R.-style desk, in a suit and matching cowboy hat and yet with extensive eyeliner and bedraggled, shoulder-length hair, trying to act ...yes, this video rules. As he picks up the phone and mimes dismay, he clearly says "Oh shit!" Love it. Honestly, all the videos from The Ultimate Sin have their This Is Spinal Tap moments, but the title track is more or less all Spinal Tap moments.

Ozzy picks up a giant remote to soothe himself with some TV, and look what's on! It's him in concert, wearing his big Stryper jacket. He's got on some kind of coordinating spandex bodysuit on underneath it -- the combination makes him look like a cross between Michael Sweet and the Undertaker. For some reason all the concert footage is shot from a low angle -- to make him look more imposing? Either way, Dallas Ozzy is tickled to see Stryper Ozzy on TV.

But then -- uh-oh! -- it's Julie, the girl from the "Shot in the Dark" video-slash-the album artwork. She's out in the concert audience transforming into the album cover lady again. How come Ozzy never transforms into the weird dog-lion-monster thing he's depicted as on the cover? I mean, the man is no stranger to album-art-inspired makeup -- just watch "Bark at the Moon." Must have been too expensive to turn him into the dog thing.

Anyway, next thing you know, she's appearing in his office, smiling in a weird way and wearing an outfit that wouldn't look entirely out of place on Sue Ellen (a red shirtdress thingy and an insanely large pearl choker). Next thing you know though, she's making the headache face again, which somehow provides a transition back to her being in the audience of the concert.



Stryper Ozzy's coat, now that I look at it more, is even more ridiculous than I first thought. It's got giant shoulder pads, the hem is cut into carwash strips, and the pattern makes him look like a giant sparkly road sign.

They barely show the concert though (or Jake E. Lee even! Good luck to anyone else in the band trying to get any screen time in this video). Before you know it, we're in Dallas Ozzy's boardroom, and he's frustrated by all the board members yelling at him about stuff. He doesn't take it too hard though, making faces and taking off one of his cowboy boots (showing off polka-dotted socks and making a secretary stick out her tongue in disgust).

Next thing you know though, Julie's standing at one end of the table staring at him. This time though, Dallas Ozzy reacts completely differently -- he looks happy to see her (see, this is why I don't work in an office anymore. Meetings suck so much you're even happy to see a scary demon lady). She smiles (looking slightly like Elaine from Seinfeld), making all the board members turn toward her. They all smile, and this for some reason makes Dallas Ozzy completely freak out. Did they give him any directions on the acting here? It feels so faked and yet, in its randomness, so real.

Dallas Ozzy leaves the table, and a combination of Julie making the headache face and Ozzy pulling down a screen takes us back to the concert. We finally see Jake E. Lee, who I have a great affinity for -- I know for Randy Rhoads partisans this is blasphemy, but Jake might be my favorite Ozzy guitarist. I really love Badlands too, and he's a key component in the funniest joke in Extract. I thought it was the funniest joke anyway. Gotta love Jake E.



Pretty soon we're back with Dallas Ozzy, who has left the building (which says "Ozzy Oil" on the side of it) and is racing to his car. He polishes the steer horn hood ornament, then spotting Julie standing behind a fountain, he runs to get in the car. She makes mean faces at him, and he rolls down the window to stare after her with an expression of... uhh... well kind of a blank expression really.

Dallas Ozzy is relieved, then extra pleased, to be in his car, and he pulls his giant remote out of his suit jacket to watch more of his concert in the car. In a meta-Ozzy moment, Dallas Ozzy rocks out to Stryper Ozzy, then we transition to the concert. The low angles, wide stage, and lack of clear shots of anyone besides Ozzy imply to me this concert is real rather than staged (then again though, I suppose I should have learned my lesson with "Estranged"). And besides, next thing you know, there's Julie in the audience. We also get a random blue texture that's technically a bit of foreshadowing.

That turns into a shot of Julie in the audience on a little TV that Dallas Ozzy has dragged out by the pool -- ooh, like Madonna in Desperately Seeking Susan! Love that movie. Dallas Ozzy stretches out in his bathrobe, but next thing you know, Julie is standing in his yard (possibly shivering, or maybe it's just really windy -- the more I see it, I think the latter).

Dallas Ozzy looks excited, then grabs his TV (dramatized by a shot from the TV's point of view) and throws it into the swimming pool. This would seem more badass if the thing appeared to have a cord attached, let alone be plugged in. Julie keeps making the headache face, then Ozzy strips off his road and swings it around before throwing it behind him. He's still, let us note, wearing his polka dot socks. She's still got on the billowy red shirt dress and black pumps.

Dallas Ozzy chases her onto the diving board (okay, she doesn't really run, just backs up). Nonetheless, Julie appears surprised as he pushes her in backward. We get a sort of crackly effect over the screen that I think is meant to imply cordless TV + pool = electrocution. The video ends with Stryper Ozzy waving his arms, then Dallas Ozzy saluting, then my favorite shot -- a horse rolling on its back! Gotta love horses.



Anyway, that was a lot of video description -- I've almost done my old post format here -- so here's the real verdict. In the introductory sociology class I'm a teaching assistant for right now, our textbook uses pictures of Ozzy to illustrate the concept of front stage and back stage behavior (which is relatively self-explanatory thanks to the relatively descriptive terms Erving Goffman, an eminently readable social theorist, used to describe it). The gist is that people manage their behavior in different ways depending on whether they see themselves as having to perform a given persona for others (e.g., how you interact with customers = front stage, how you interact with coworkers of the same rank as you = back stage).

They picked a promo photo of Ozzy that looks like it's circa this period based on his makeup, hair, and dress, and paired it with a photo of him in the kitchen with Sharon from The Osbournes. They really should have stuck to the same time period and showed him in the kitchen in The Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years.

More to the point though, I don't actually think Kitchen Ozzy versus Scary Ozzy is actually that great an example of front and backstage behavior, because let's face it -- Ozzy puts it all out in the front. He's not that scary, certainly not in this video -- even though we see Stryper Ozzy and Dallas Ozzy, neither one is Scary Ozzy. In fact, both appear to be versions of Silly Ozzy (though the concert footage is less silly here than in other videos from this album, although again, there's less of it and we mostly have to watch it on tiny 80s TVs).

Much like Alice Cooper before him and many others after, Ozzy's both at once -- sure, even if Scary Ozzy is electrocuting a woman in his swimming pool, the fact that he's doing it in boxer shorts and polka dotted socks = Silly Ozzy. Similarly in concert, who's really going to take him seriously in that ridiculous Stryper coat? Oh wait... duh, Stryper.

Europe, "Cherokee"

How the West Was... What?! THE VIDEO Europe, "Cherokee," The Final Countdown, 1986, Epic Click here to watch this video NOW! SAMPLE LYRIC "Chero-keeeeeeee! / OH! / Riding on the trail of tears! / Cher-o-keeee-eeeee / OH! / Riding on the tra-aiill of teeeears!" THE VERDICT This Thanksgiving, let us be thankful for many things. Our friends, our families, and our health, sure. But also, let us be thankful for the internet, and things like YouTube and Vh1 Classic, that let us relive those metal memories that so few of us thought to commit to VHS (or Betamax!) at the time. I remember fantasizing that such a thing might exist when I was younger, and dismissing these hypotheticals as improbable in my lifetime, if not impossible. And yet here I am, having come a long way since my first foray onto the Internet circa 1994-1995 (I went to Yahoo! and searched "music." The top hit at the time was Addicted to Noise). I mean shoot, a mere ten years after that, I had this blog. And every year that I've maintained this blog (let us think not on the dark times of 2007-2008), it gets more and more do-able. You don't even want to know what I had to do to get my hands on digital versions of music videos in 2004. Suffice to say it wasn't easy, and I didn't exactly have my choice of what I could cover. And now, here we are, Thanksgiving 2009, and I have my choice of turkey day-related fare. Now admittedly, we have to take "related" with a grain of salt here, as there aren't exactly metal songs about pilgrims or puritans (unless maybe you count songs about witch burnings, though I've always interpreted "Am I Evil?" as taking place in medieval Europe rather than colonial New England). However, we have a veritable cornucopia of songs about native Americans, or, as every single one of these songs refers to them, Indians. Taking a liberal interpretation, I've opted to go with Europe's "Cherokee" this Thanksgiving. I know, I know -- this is a song about events that happened nearly 200 years after the first Thanksgiving. But just listen to the drums or Joey Tempest's hearty "ohhhh-ohhhhhh-ooooohoooohhhhhh-ohhh-ohhh!" at the beginning of this song and try to tell me you don't enjoy it. The closest to not enjoying this I'll allow is "guilty pleasure." I mean yes, there are many reasons to hate Europe (the band, not the continent!). Like Krokus before them, the purely pragmatic (and certainly not artistic!) switch from prog rock to metal. Joey Tempest's total lack of grace about said switch and avowed love of money. Admittedly, this makes it hilarious to read old reader letters in Circus or Hit Parader following any interview with him -- his complete and utter lack of artifice, his inability to articulate being in it for anything but the money really brings out the haters. Plus it's always funny to read who readers think is not in it for the money. And of course, lest we forget, the perms, wide-neck shirts, necklaces, and constant goofy faces. And the keytar! Keytar!! Europe aren't afraid to put their keyboard player in their videos (unlike, say, Cinderella), but they go one step further than Bon Jovi and give him a KEYTAR. And in this video, they prominently display that keytar all over an impressive-looking American western landscape, as this video bizarrely recreates (like the song) the removal in the 1830s of five native American tribes (including the Cherokee, who I think became most strongly associated with this by the fact that almost a third of them died) from the southeast to... Oklahoma. Yes, the dust bowl. Not the epic, southwestern landscape depicted here. Look, they're Swedish, we can't expect them to get everything right. I mean, think of their countrymen (and women) in ABBA -- "Fernando" isn't exactly a documentary about the Mexican-American War either. Wait, why are all these Swedish bands writing songs about American history? This video begins with the afore-mentioned drums and screaming. We see a man and woman straight out of a Stetson ad setting up camp next to their SUV (a Jeep Cherokee?). The members of Europe rock out on the hills above them, getting close-ups mainly of Joey's over-emoting and fist pumping. Everyone except Joey pretty much gets backlit throughout this entire video, so it's hard to tell anyone else apart what with the identical perms. Joey's favorite move involves planting his feet, knees bent, and then wiggling his hips while leaning back and shaking his fists. We then see footsteps mysteriously appearing in the ground, and the man has apparently left the camp site to sit by himself in the desert reading a Time-Life book about native Americans. The woman looks around like she sees something, and then suddenly we do -- ghost indians!! On ghost horses, no less. This reminds me of one of the scariest things I've ever read -- the short story "Ghost Dance" by Sherman Alexie. (It's in this quite good compilation if you want to read it.) It's unclear why the ghosts on horses are semi-opaque, but whoever's making the footprints is invisible, but just go with it. As the sun sets, the woman for whatever reason decides it's a good time to check how she looks in a hand mirror she's conveniently placed near their camp fire. What is this!? War paint has suddenly appeared on her cheeks! (That or she didn't pick up the mirror till after she'd finished her makeup. That or she's a big Nikki Sixx fan.) She spins around, and suddenly the ghosts on horses have gotten a lot less opaque. We also see a semi-gratuitous shot of a scorpion (the insect, not the German band). Oh snap! The non-opaque types on horses appear to be -- umm -- from far away they look like conquistadors, but closer up we see they're US soldiers. They're coming closer, causing the guy to drop his book and run away. This leads up to the main action, which is punctuated by all the members of Europe raising their fists for a big "OH!" If you thought you couldn't get a good look at the other members of the band before, now they're playing in the dark next to the camp fire. And you can just guess who gets to stand close enough to the fire to actually be visible. The woman is standing in the campsite all nervous and in the dark, and somehow, in twilight, the soldiers and indians converge and do battle at their campsite. A tipi has appeared amidst all this, and big moments in the guitar and keytar solos keep causing explosions to happen. The man's back, and he and the woman hide behind the Jeep to watch all this. Also let me mention that even though when they show all of Europe it's night, both the guitarist and the keytarist keep getting to play right in front of the battle where it's dusk. Also seriously, where are all these explosions coming from? Their increasing intensity seems to cause all the members of Europe to coordinate their pelvic thrusting and slow head-banging. The combat goes on for an incredibly long time, but eventually, we see that it's morning again and all the ghosts are gone. The tipi has somehow had only it's cloth bits burned off, and the man and woman apparently spent the entire night awake and crouching beside the Jeep. They stand up and peer over it, only to see... Europe, silhouetted on a hillside. Even without the ghosts, this video's ridiculous, and has nothing to do with the Cherokees. It takes place in the southwest, which has nothing to do with the Trail of Tears, and the native Americans they show appear to be Plains indians. However, it must be said that I am guilty of the same, as I am using this crazy, inaccurate version of American history for my own crazy, inaccurate celebration of Thanksgiving. Does this mean I am thankful for the US government's legacy of horrific policies toward native Americans? No. Does this mean I am thankful for Europe (again, band not continent)? Yes. Let's face it. Much like ABBA before them and Ace of Base after, these Swedes make completely bizarre songs (e.g. "All That She Wants" -- if that's all she wants, why not a sperm bank?) that are, nonetheless, relentlessly catchy. Keytar or no, I can listen to every song on this album again and again. And I can really belt along with the lyrics too, which is definitely enjoyable in certain contexts (the shower, long drives). You want to hate it, but something about it just eats its way into your brain, and once there, propagates like something out of the Twilight Zone (or technically The Night Gallery). And next thing you know, you're listening to Out of this World. Even the haters at allmusic like them -- "You could live without The Final Countdown, but why?" -- proving Europe to be, if you'll pardon a truly grotesque simile, the smallpox-laden blankets of heavy metal. The second you accept them, it's already too late.

Ratt, "Wanted Man"

Home, Home on the Strange

THE VIDEO Ratt, "Wanted Man," Out of the Cellar, 1984, Atlantic

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "And by the ro-oh-ope / you will hang / it's your neck / from this Ratt ga-aaaannnnnnnnnng / 'cause I'mmm / a wanted may-an-an"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION This video opens with Stephen Pearcy and Juan Croucier silhouetted by a spotlight onstage from far away. This zooms out three times as a still shot before it finally starts moving and we hear the crowd cheering. The band takes a bow, and we hear a man's voice saying, "Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please" while we suddenly switch to a shot of Ratt's tour bus from the outside, then inside, a not-so-fat looking Robbin Crosby lying down and looking at the camera like he’s really out of it.

The man's voice continues, "I have a special message from Atlantic Records for Ratt," and we see, from inside and then outside of the tour bus, people running up to greet it, then Stephen backstage at a concert dancing around with a fan-made Ratt banner. A marquee (for some place with the word "Bronco" in the name) says "Ratt in concert." Stephen and Bobby Blotzer shake hands with each other in front of the Ratt banner. As bikini-clad women carrying gold records walk onstage, the man's voice says, "Congratulations, your album has just sold one million, five hundred thousand records!" Robbin and Stephen embrace the women, and Warren DeMartini gestures at his as the crowd goes wild.

We then hear a different man's voice say, "Ladies and gentlemen, Ratt!" as the boys triumphantly enter a um, mall. They walk by a Waldenbooks accompanied by uh, hopefully those are cops and not just mall security before taking their seats in front of a Camelot Music. A fan gives Warren a little teddy bear, and a girl with really cool red, white, and blue hair gets stuff signed while we hear a line from the song's chorus playing quietly in the background. We see Robbin signing an autograph from overhead while someone off camera slides a piece of paper into the shot that says "help!"



The tour bus travels on. Inside it we see Stephen holding a drink, then messing with one of his many earrings as we hear a woman's voice saying, "Wow, they're so wild in concert." Another woman laughs and says, "Oh, I lahk 'em all," and another says, "I like the way they dress" as the camera focuses on Warren, who’s wearing a Clockwork Orange t-shirt under a black leather vest. Stephen pretends he's going to eat the earring he just took off. The southern-sounding girl goes, "They look goood, and all the girls were just going crazy 'cause they're just so heavy metal and hardcore" (at least I think this is what she says). We see Robbin (no longer looking slim) passed out, and the bus driver, a skinny older dude with a beard and a Harley Davidson t-shirt.

Next, randomly, we see a cowboy dude nailing a sign up to a board that says "Bulletins," then we see the tour bus pulling into an Old West style town. A mean looking cowboy spits from chewing tobacco, and as we hear wind blowing we see random shots of the desolate looking town.

The band step off the bus, and Stephen says, "What a trip. Think we can get something to eat around here?" Robbin replies, "Let's check this place out, looks like a bar," and Bobby chimes in with, "That ain't no bar, that's a saloon!" while flexing in a most unflattering way. They swing open the doors, and the saloon is completely empty. Juan says, "Wow, this looks just like the Old West!" Off-camera, someone says something unintelligible, to which Bobby replies, "Right, man." We see a Clint Eastwood looking old dude who appears to be in the bar, although it's unclear where, then someone says (again, off camera, otherwise I'd know who it was), "I always wanted to be a cowboy," and another replies "Me too" as the song begins.



Flashpots go off at a Ratt concert, and in the distance we see the members of Ratt, now on horseback and dressed as old-timey cowboys. Shots of them riding slowly toward the camera (with Bobby obviously unable to control his horse even at a walk) are interspersed with concert footage. After Stephen screams "Wanted man!" and jumps around onstage a bunch, we are suddenly back in the saloon, which is still poorly lit (what did they not even have candles in the old west?) but is now crowded with Western folk (crusty-looking dudes, women in showgirl dresses, etc.).

The Clint Eastwood guy nods, and we can see his opponent's hand (a pair of twos and three aces). He looks skeptical and shuffles, then a hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold type comes down the stairs. We see a bunch of the guy shuffling the cards, then that woman (who on second thought seems more like a madam) starts working the room. She pulls off a guy who's going too nuts on one of her girls. Then we get some concert shots of an extra-bony looking Warren, which you know I love, followed by some more live stuff of Stephen and the crowd.

Clint, who we now can see is also wearing a sheriff's badge, deals, and a random Old West hussy makes out with some guy. Clint peers over at the guy next to him's hand (which is still two twos and three aces) while noticing something off camera, and we see Ratt riding into town from behind. The guy who was putting up posters before turns around, and we see he's been using a gun as a hammer. Ratt ride into frame, all looking over dubiously. They stop, and Robbin spits. We see one of the posters the guy was hanging up (it's of Robbin in Old West gear) and it says "Wanted the Ratt Gang $10,000 Reward." Robbin and Bobby nod at each other, and the camera pans over to the poster of Stephen. Juan makes a face like he can't read the signs. The guy who was hanging the signs stares in terror, and backs off slowly then runs away.

Back in the saloon, the bartender talks to one of the ladies, who is sitting on the bar. A guy pours his drink into a woman's mouth, then attempts to lick up what she spilled, and the sheriff dude deals yet again. Ratt burst into the bar, which causes the men to just fall on the women for some reason, and the sheriff grins. Stephen, in concert, raises his arms triumphantly, and we stay with Ratt in concert for the rest of the chorus.



The men of the saloon grope the women, and soon enough it gets ugly as (I think) Bobby starts a brawl with one of them that lasts about two seconds (a punch gets thrown, someone gets tossed onto the table where they were playing cards). This causes Ratt (in concert) to gyrate wildly. We get a lot of low shots of Warren playing the solo, then some of Juan making silly faces and Robbin yelling.

As the solo wraps up, we see Old West Robbin looking around, then we see five men (with the sheriff in the middle) lining up to face Ratt in a shootout on the town's main street. The members of Ratt approach, and we see close-ups of different people's faces as they anticipate the duel. There's much trigger-touching, lip-licking, etc.

Ratt draw first, firing madly, while the Old West dudes seem more interesting in spinning their guns around on their fingers. We see random shots of Bobby looking particularly nervous, then Ratt fire more, and we see some shots that imply that the Old West guys get nailed. Suddenly, we see regular Bobby fall backward in a chair in the saloon. The other members of Ratt run over to help him up, and he shakes himself off, looking befuddled. He lets out a puff of smoke and we see that he is clenching a bullet between his teeth. A disgruntled looking Robbin wakes up on the bus and smacks at the camera, then there's a parting shot of the crowd going nuts, which zooms away into the middle of the screen. It was all a dream… or was it?



THE VERDICT Though I like this video (and I love this song), it has caused me much anguish. First, it has taken me four years to get around to adding in pics from the whole "Ratt on tour" prologue, since most versions you'll see have this edited out. This killed me enough that yes, I am adding this bit in now, four years after having originally posted this video. Second, I am greatly grieved by my uncertain identification of Robbin as the guy sleeping on the bus. 1) He looks a bit slim to be Robbin but at the same time 2) The only other person it could be is Bobby, and in the Old West segments of the video, he's got brown hair. Now we all know that 99% of the time Bobby is blonde, but does he really change hair color within the same video? It seems a bit preposterous. And the guy sleeping on the bus seems a bit too good-looking to be Bobby. But at the same time, he simply seems too slender to be Robbin. Sigh. I feel like I've failed you.

Anyway. About the video. If there's one thing that hard rockers love more than dressing up as pseudo-medieval warriors in a post-apocalyptic future (Armored Saint's "Can U Deliver," or Queensryche's "The Queen of the Reich," for example), it's dressing up as cowboys or, at the very least, visiting the Old West (W.A.S.P.'s "Blind in Texas," Van Halen's "Pretty Woman"). Or some combination of the two (Tesla's "Modern Day Cowboy"). Why might this be?

Well, it's not so much the idea of the cowboy per se but the idea of the outlaw that seems to be so appealing -- whether you're "Wanted: Dead or Alive" a la Bon Jovi or a member of "this Ratt gang," the idea is that the band members are outsiders, ne'er-do-wells who’ve come to town to take the women and shoot up the saloon. It doesn't take a genius (or someone with more than a passing acquaintance with heavy metal) to understand why this might be appealing. A huge thematic subgenre in metal concerns persecution, whether real or imagined (Keel's "The Right to Rock," Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It" [and uh, most other TS songs], Judas Priest's "Parental Guidance"). Cowboy songs are the more fantastic corollary to the persecution songs --just one of metal's many forms of imagined revenge. The upside to all of this? I've got one word for you: Chaps.

W.A.S.P., "Wild Child"

Hell Yeah Blackie Lawless

THE VIDEO W.A.S.P. "Wild Child," The Last Command, 1985, Capitol

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "I'm a wild child / come an' lovvve me / I want you-ouuuuuuu / my heart's in exxxile / I need you to touch me / 'cause I want what you do / I want you"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION This video opens with a shot of the sun over umm, well, I don't know where but since I know "Blind in Texas" was filmed in Arizona we're going to guess that they were economizing and this was too. So yes, Arizona. The shot fades into Blackie Lawless, he of the most badass pseudonym ever, who is riding his chopper down some desolate road. I'd call it a highway but who am I kidding, it's two lanes wide. Anyway. He's very far away, but I still know it's him.

We cut to a quite voluptuous lady (think Delta Burke in the first season Designing Women -- then never think of the fact that I just used that as an example ever, ever again) standing on top of what for lack of better knowledge of desert geography I will call some Wile E. Coyote-lookin' rocks. She's wearing a red, filmy, carwash-strip jumpsuit (I'd call it a belted dress but it looks like it has legs) and holding some kind of tall staff with erm, feathers attached to it. Legs firmly planted and hand on hip, her expression says, "Come 'n' get me, Blackie. Good luck tying me to your stage set."

We then see him close up, sunglasses on, sans makeup and sawblades (and missing the gray highlights, come to think -- were those things clip on? Oh.my.god. Okay, must resist digression on fake hair. But let's just say I'm obsessed). Then we cut back to the lady again. But oh! She fades away into the rocks. Then we see Blackie from the side, and he drives off the screen as the song finally starts.

Now I only noticed this once I'd slowed it down to the frame-by-frame level, but in that first shot you can see his motorcycle parked next to their little uh, stage. In this video, the whole point is that W.A.S.P. are standing up on some serious Wile E. Coyote rocks -- I had always assumed they were quite far off the ground -- but this one shot shows that they are, in reality, at most ten feet off the ground. Actually, I just looked again. Make that five.

So yes, just to quickly describe the set -- W.A.S.P. are playing on top of a little mesa, or butte, or something, that's in front of a much larger wall of desert stone. One could say their only decoration is their metal "WASP" sign behind drummer Steve Riley, but then one would be ignoring the amount of costumery they're wearing, which is (as per always) near KISS levels.



We first get a good look at Mr. Lawless, who since parking his chopper has changed into quite the ensemble, plus added the aforementioned highlights and his spooky makeup (lotsa eyeliner, red lipstick). His bass looks sorta like an axe, black with a beveled silver edge. Next we go to guitarist Randy Piper -- no, not Rowdy Roddy Piper, this is Randy Piper. His guitar is also sort of x-shaped, and has a sort of 3D scary horned skull face (like Mr. Scary, only just a face). While his outfit is nowhere near as badass as the chainlink garter belts he sports in "I Wanna Be Somebody," Randy gets many extra points for the hand-to-hair pout for the camera. Paul Stanley would be proud.

Then we get a lot more Blackie, making dramatic gestures (rubbing face, "jazz hands") and running around a little in a camera-swinging-around shot that makes it look like the rocks they're on are really high up (they do a lot of filming them from below which also makes them look like they're on a ledge -- if they had just cut that one shot where you can see the damn motorcycle, the illusion would be complete). Next, however, comes another one of my all-time favorite moments in heavy metal videos (two in a row, following close on the heels of my last entry!). This would be when Blackie, Randy, and Chris Holmes all run to the front and a bunch of flashpots explode just as chorus begins. This is so badass!

Of course, Blackie starts really doing his dance, which is a sort of variation on the Axl dance -- instead of moving your hips, however, the Blackie dance involves moving your legs in a frantic jig. It's also the first time where you can really see what Blackie's got on down below -- moccasin-style fringed boots and tights (yes, tights -- they're sheer) with black, red, and tan long feathers down the sides (he's also got some in his hair). Whoa. Top that off with a black top that's been slit open in about a gajillion places (and ornamented at the cuffs with his famous circular saw blades) and you're all set. During the first big "I want youuu-ooooh" Randy points at the camera and touches his hair again (so very Paul Stanley, again), also proving that when you have two guitarists (or when you're just shakin' it for the camera), you're a lot more free to take your hands off your instrument.

Next we see guitarist Chris Holmes, who in this video (and most of their others) looks like Ozzy Osbourne but who in his infamous scene inThe Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years (P.S.: I don't care for this review at all, but it's worth it for the movie quotes) looks like Chris Jericho. So yes, for better or for worse I am saying that this guys looks a lot better tanked and floating around in his mother's pool in leather pants than he does here.

Anyway, to try to avoid getting into a lengthy digression about the coolest movie ever made, I'll just say that he's wearing eyeliner and a black and red leathery costume that reminds me of what the Road Warriors used to wear. And I'm not just saying that as an excuse to make another wrestling reference! His guitar is the least theatrical of the three. It's the four-prong pointy shape that I'm sure there's a name for (the shape Metallica always use) in black with a red and yellow picture of some feathered wings on it.



Next we see the drummer, Steve Riley, and even though for the most part I'd say Blackie was constantly kicking people out of W.A.S.P. as an ego trip, in this case he was definitely justified. He taps away at the drums like a diligent typist and has amazing posture, which when you're trying to be like the most super badass band around are just not compliments.

Anyway, the video progesses. Randy keeps trying to be foxy, Blackie keeps trying to be scary, Chris, most likely, keeps trying not to fall of the rock. As the chorus wraps up, we see the road again, and that lady from the beginning is standing in the middle of it. Blackie drives down the road with his hair pulled back (and headlight on for safety) looking not unlike Mick Mars in his non-all-dolled-up guise. As the second verse of the song starts, the mystery lady disappears in a flash of well, flash. Like the scene transitions in the old Justice League cartoons.

The whole next verse features again, more of the same performance footage, then ends with another totally amazing moment (why they didn't bring in the flashpots again, we'll never know) as Randy, Blackie, and Chris jump off the rock. Not to belabor a point I've made a million times already, but this was a lot more badass when I didn't know they were just kind of hopping off of a little ledge. Then we have more Blackie dancing and Chris waving his guitar over his head (which I love). Randy even does the thing where he rubs his hair again, just to tie it all together.

As we go into the bridge, we're back on the road with Blackie. The sun goes down suddenly, and we see a weird umm... I'm going to venture a guess based on what I know about W.A.S.P. and call this a sacrificial altar-type place (perhaps an "Altar of Sacrifice"?). It's basically a bunch of sticks and stuff poked into the ground with skulls and stuff tied to them and a couple of little fires burning on the ground nearby. Blackie (hair once again resplendent) drives up for a closer look. He has a really weird expression on his face, like maybe his mouth is full of water or he's trying not to burp out loud. We then see the moon, then some close-ups of the skulls and masks and stuff tied to the poles.

That lady walks out again, and we see Blackie (maybe he's trying not to laugh?) again too. She walks into the middle of all the stuff, crosses her arms, then forcefully uncrosses them, causing some little fires to light up on the ground. Then she disappears in a puff of flames. Blackie screams, and his face as he closes his mouth again is, I'm afraid to say, unmistakably that of one trying to hold in laughter. He leans forward and drives his bike through all the stuff, causing it all to really light on fire.

We watch it all burn for a minute, then we're back with W.A.S.P. on their rock, and the flashpots do finally go off again, but now it's night so it's harder to see, making it a bit less badass. This also causes the frame around their sign to light on fire, as per usual. The band dances around in front of it, and they seem like they're really rocking out but it's kind of hard to tell cause it's really dark. The camera pans across the burning sign, then we go back to the weird burning stuff. The video closes with Blackie making a face and pointing at us, superimposed over the burning altar.



THE VERDICT Okay, I tried to make this one shorter, and it didn't work. Probably because holy crap this video is awesome! A lot of people think W.A.S.P. are terrible, or all flash, but I think they friggin' rock, and I don't care if I'm alone on it. The widespread fury it caused Tipper Gore to unleash on the world aside, "Animal (!@#$ Like a Beast)" is one of the best pop metal songs ever. If he could have just managed not to scream "I !@#$ like a beast!" when all of the music cut out, this song would have been huge. Huger than huge.

But yeah, what with all the sawblades and women chained to things and entrails purportedly thrown into (or tossed from) the crowd, it's easy to see why people dismissed their music pretty easily while taking the act waaaay too seriously. I'm not sure where I fall in this. I appreciate the stage show, but in kind of a campy way, or at least in a "sure, that's what we're getting at" way -- like how Slayer always kind of make light of their satanic image (i.e. "yeah, sure, our name means Satan Laughs As You Eternally Rot") but at the same time their songs are, you know, a little bit on the umm dark side.

It's hard to tell how seriously W.A.S.P. actually take themselves. Part of it is probably that Blackie Lawless isn't as vocal or well-known as for example someone like Dee Snider, who's always the first to say look, it's just rock and roll, we're just having a good time. Lawless took a lot of flack back in the day for being the only one who tried to stay true the game (and admittedly, someone who wears gray highlights and saw blade wristicuffs is taking it all pretty damn seriously) and refused to come and testify and be like it's not a problem, you're just not getting the joke.

And yeah, in a video as over the top as this (I've often thought that every movie sequence where they're ostensibly shooting a heavy metal video was based on the look of this video), it's hard to tell if we're in on the joke, or if it's simply not a joke. Maybe part of it is seeing it now? Even still, as seriously as I want to take it, it's hard to believe that Blackie's really like "Oooh, I look super scary" every time he's making one of those faces, unless the only person he's trying to scare is, you know, Tipper.