Saxon, "Ride Like the Wind"

Possibly the Weirdest Video Yet

THE VIDEO Saxon, "Ride Like the Wind," Destiny, 1988, Enigma

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SAMPLE LYRIC "And I've got such a long way to go / to make it to the border of Mexico / so I'll ride / ride like the wind / ride like the wind"

THE VERDICT It's been a while since I did a video that is just a total mess of WTFery, so when I stumbled on this Saxon clip that I had utterly forgotten about I just knew I had to share it with the world.

As a disclaimer, even at the best of times I'm not a big Saxon fan. Technically, I'm not the biggest NWOBHM fan. Yes, I was technically born during the New Wave Of British Heavy Metal, but that means that by the time I was fully sentient i.e. watching MTV, hair was big, glam was king, and I was along for the ride. I mean, if there was one thing I worshipped as a little girl it was long hair (on both men and women). This is probably why I have had exactly one short haircut in my entire life, and I still feel like I'm recovering from that. BTW, it was ten years ago.

But anyway Saxon! So they've got a badass Olde English name, and yes, they gave Metal Sludge its tagline. But I'm just not feeling them as much as say Iron Maiden or Def Leppard (yes, pre-Hysteria they totally count as NWOBHM). I just feel like Saxon's sound is a bit too sludgy and plodding for me. Like "Denim and Leather" for example. Great sentiment, hella boring song. Even allmusic can't make up their minds about Saxon -- they refer to The Power & the Glory as both "unfocused" and "lackluster" and one of their "earlier classics."

Okay enough digressions, I'm supposed to be talking about the video. Or at least the song -- and in this case, the song itself is where the WTF begins. Now being me, I first knew this as a Saxon song. But then one day I was at the grocery store and I heard this playing, sandwiched in between the usual Amy Grant and other lite rock feelgoodery. Wait, what?! Saxon at the grocery?!

But of course, it wasn't -- it was Christopher Cross, since this is actually a cover song. At least two things are really weird about this choice. One, you'd think this was country music, because it's a story song about being a gunslinger on the run. But really two, Saxon don't do much of anything with it. As per the obvious, they guitar it up a bit, and lose the bongos and keyboards, but the vocal doesn't really innovate on the original, hence some of my confusion in the market.

Okay all that aside, the reason I'm even doing this is the video. And oh, the video. It takes the song literally, with all of the band members appearing to be in some kind of Mexican prison. Or maybe it's just the old west. In spite of the members of Saxon wearing 80s clothes and having their instruments (and an arm chair?!) in their cells, there's hay on the ground, and everyone else is wearing ponchos and sombreros. Biff Byford is pushing his head through the bars of his cell and looking especially old and tired.



But fear not! Look who's coming to save them... in some kind of weird, blue-lit factory space that appears to have nothing to do with the jail except that some of the old-timey prison guards are in it. Yes, Saxon's saviors are a trio of women wearing -- I am not making this up -- neoprene-looking bra-tops and high waisted skirts. They're all primary colors paired with black -- so yellow, red, and blue. The old-timey guards are chasing them with flashlights along some kind of catwalk, though we never really see them in the same shot together. Also BTW, these women are capable of a tremendous amount of hair tossing while they run.

Back in the jail, the members of Saxon are killing time. Nigel Durham is drumming in the air, in the great tradition of heavy metal drummers placed in music video situations where they don't have their drum kit. His cell mate, who looks like he's in a mariachi band, is drinking on the bunk above him. Another of the boys is doing push-ups and sit-ups on the floor. Biff keeps checking his pocket watch with his extremely feminine hands. Seriously, I hope it's a body double, it's kind of weird. Also, his wedding band is really pimptastic.

Then it's back to the ladies again. Lots of jiggle -- or okay, as much as all those neoprene bodysuits will allow -- as they run through some smoke. We get a bunch of closeups of their butts, showing us that they've come equipped with more carabiners than they probably need, based on the looks of that prison. We even get an upskirt shot from beneath the catwalk. Classy Saxon, really classy.

Somehow shots of the girls tossing their hair and looking frantic, close-ups of Biff, and Graham Oliver (or is it Paul Quinn?) looking extra bored laying on his prison cot with a guitar are meant to convey to us... something. That the girls are getting closer, even though they appear to be in a dystopian future, and the band seems to be in the old west? Oh no, I guess they were just signaling it was time for the guitar solo.

Oh wow. That was quick. And now Biff is packing a suitcase in his jail cell. He's packed his jeans and oh, don't worry, he's packed his gold record. His cellmate watches him semi-incredulously as he then sinks down into his armchair. Yup, it's the poshest prison in the old west. They let you bring all your stuff with you.



Okay, the ladies have made it to a door with yellowish light shining through the grates, and Biff has shut both his pocket watch and the cover on his record player. I think this signals that we're meant to think this gigantic dark warehouse is indeed somehow an annex of this old time Mexican prison. Oh wow, now they've used a system of pulleys and a can of paint to not simply pull the door of its hinges, but to break a giant hole in the wall. Seriously, you have to watch this video. It's amazing that it's 1988 and they still think stuff like this is a good idea.

The other prisoners look completely blase as the ladies enter the prison and liberate Byford. The others in the band at least bother to sort of acknowledge that something's happening, but even they seem pretty okay with cell life. I mean jeez, if they can bring their instruments and furniture and stuff, prison is kind of like the cheapest rent you can get, right?

Oh helpful. The redhead (yellow costume) has paused, looked around, and then dropped the keys to the cellblock in the middle of the hallway behind her. Nice way to let the other boys in the band know they're appreciated! Biff is leaving via the warehouse with the gals, while we see someone's fingers desperately grasping for the keys. Then he and the ladies then disappear into the fog.

Seriously Saxon, WTF! If you had to go all literal with this song's lyrics, you could have made a cool-ass video like "Wanted Man." Or even something a little bit cheesier, like "Blind in Texas." But instead, you turn it into some Wilson Phillips lookalikes (seriously -- straight blonde hair, curly redhead, bobbed brunette) wearing Body Glove busting you out of a Mexican prison. Or at least, a prison full of Mexicans.

The weirdness in this video is unstoppable. There's no riding in it. There's not even wind! It's like they made the whole concept for the video, then were like "oh wait, the song is about the old west, so the whole fog-filled warehouse concept isn't going to work." And then some enterprising individual was like, "wait, what if there's a door in the warehouse that leads to an old-timey Mexican prison!" And then everyone's like "congratulations, that's a fantastic idea."

Stranger things have happened... I guess.

Cinderella, "Gypsy Road"

Livin' It Up Down Old South America Way

THE VIDEO Cinderella, "Gypsy Road," Long Cold Winter, 1988, Mercury

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SAMLE LYRIC "My gypsy road / can take me home / I drive all night just to see the light / my gypsy road / can take me home / I keep on pushin' 'cause it feels / all riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION The video begins with a shot from very far back in the audience of Cinderella playing in what I would describe as a large club or a small theatre. While there are a lot of lights above them on stage, the ceiling's pretty low and the crowd isn't too big. There's an even quicker shot of hands waving in the air (at least one person is, as per the inevitable, holding up drumsticks) with some posters I can't even try to decipher in the background.

A quick shot panning down a street at night in... I'm going to say Mexico... follows. Then we see Jeff LaBar onstage from behind, with a fake cactus in the foreground. We quickly go around to the front of the stage and see Tom Keifer a bit closer, then we see the outside of the venue. It's called the "Cine Maya" and the sign says "Program Cinderella 5:20 7:30 Y 9:30." So apparently Cinderella did three sets that day beginning in uh, the afternoon.

Then we're inside again, with Tom Keifer triumphantly raising his arms to an enthusiastic audience. The camera pans around and we see that the Cine Maya is a pretty big place, but I'm still going to say that at the end of the day it's not a lot bigger than like Irving Plaza. We see Tom again, then some fans, then Fred Coury.

We take a peek at Jeff LaBar, then zoom out for a wide shot, then we see Eric Brittingham triumphantly tossing his flaxen mane. We then see the whole band walking down a Mexican street in the middle of the day. The camera goes back into the concert, and we go slowly toward Tom, with a view that includes a sort of Old West-looking lamp fixture hanging from the ceiling.

We watch Tom sing for a while, then we again see one of the fake cacti by the side of the stage, this one topped by a sombrero. We then follow the camera down a Mexican street during the day, where we see a policeman writing out a ticket. Tom sings a bit, then we watch an older woman walk down the street before watching Tom walk down a different street. We see Jeff rocking out with their oft-hidden keyboardist clearly visible behind him (I remember reading an editorial in I think Circus where they were like, 'why don't Cinderella just admit that this guy plays on every single one of their songs and let him be part of the band?" I don't remember his name though).

Tom sings some more, then a man and child go by on a motorbike outside on the street. We then see the whole band walking down the street, dressed down in basic denim and leather. Tom sings while riding around on a motorcycle, then we look up at some buildings before cutting to Fred on a motorcycle.



We take a look at some Mexican dudes hanging out by a decrepit looking building, then see more of Tom looking all pouty-mouthed and hot. He's wearing aviator glasses and naturally, a scarf around his head. I need to get some friggin' layers cut in my hair so I can tie a scarf around my head without looking like a friggin' hippie. We see more people on the street, then Cinderella on the street sort of goofing around, then more random people on the street. The guys walk by a building labled "Modelorama," which I guess is either full of models or Mexican beer (no, I don't know any Spanish).

Tom continues to sing onstage, but meantime we seem to be going further out into the country. We see more scenes of people and random streets, but it's getting more rural. The shots of Cinderella on stage get more direct at the same time -- we get more close-ups of the band's faces. Then we see an old Chevy truck, the license plate of which says "SHAKE ME" -- awesome! The band then walk by the camera outside, the first really close shot we get of them (aside from Tom singing on the chopper).

Now we head way out to the country, with a long shot of just trees and forest going past from the window of a car. Tom runs out into some brush with a guitar, then the camera pans around some kind of Mayan column. Fred is standing on the other side, hitting it with drumsticks. Then we're back in the city, as two little boys play near a bench Eric is lying on. I think Jeff is sitting on the other end of it.

The camera, from inside a truck, films a truck full of men driving through the forest, then we see Tom and Fred sitting outside singing. They're totally not made up at all, Tom has even foregone eyeliner, which makes him look especially fresh-faced. He also seems especially happy, like he's laughing a little or about to laugh. Maybe he is laughing about how silly that cowboy hat he's wearing looks, but I doubt it.

Next we see the band walking away from the camera down a road. Even though it's probably totally hot out Tom is wearing a long, black leather jacket with lots of silver embellishment. We then see a man getting something from a little window, on side of which is a poster for Modelo and one the other side of which is only some writing I can read, but it's advertising "Cervesa Fria" b/k/a cold beer. Naturally, Cinderella head straight for that. We then briefly see Tom in concert with a big band logo behind his head and then a shot of a little boy.

Now comes my favorite part of the video, where the band is suddenly all out in the woods by the Mayan stuff, and Tom mimes the line "now who's to care / if I grow my hair / to the skyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?" Tom has a guitar, but everyone else is just clapping and looking at each other. The camera then spins around and we're back by that Mayan column thing, Jeff is playing his guitar in front of it now. Every time it's shooting the Mayan thing, the camera gets little black corners on it, as if we're looking at the band through a telescope or something. We quickly see a crowded street with lots of people in it, then the camera pans past an old woman sitting on a bench to show Tom playing guitar on a bench, then some little kids sitting next to him. Then we are back at the ruins, with Fred again drumming on them.

It turns out the crowded street is actually some sort of parade, lots of people are carrying things. We see a bit more of Tom in concert, then get a low shot where he is riding a white horse wearing a rope bridle. I'm embarrassed I can't remember the name for this -- it's a bitless bridle, so it just goes around the horse's muzzle. We see some random people, then I think Jeff (without all the volume in his hair, he starts to look a lot more like Fred) riding a brown horse. We then see lots of people sitting in very, very makeshift benches watching some kind of rodeo-type event. A calf runs around below them in the next shot.



The band is then back in the jungle by a ramshackle fence, all clapping along with Tom. Then we see Tom silhouetted at dusk. Apparently Fred has decided just drumming on the Mayan stuff isn't enough, now we see him sitting on top of one of the statues. Tom and Jeff sing back at the concert, then Jeff runs past Tom, who's standing on the steps of a very abbreviated Mayan-style pyramid. The camera briefly attends to each band member at the concert, then we're back out at the fence. We then see an overhead shot at the concert, which prominently shows the toy parrot suspended over the stage.

For the lead-up to the solo, we get lots of concert shots interspersed with a few shots of Jeff playing out in the jungle by the Mayan stuff. We also get a nice shot of Tom playing guitar by some palm trees. Tom and Eric share a mic for the "so cold" lyrics, and we see a far off shot that slowly zooms in of Tom reclining in the doorway of a bar. We then see all of the band members sitting on rocks beside what is I guess a beach.

For the solo, guitars are inexplicably thrown onto the stage from the audience. We watch Tom catch a guitar from two different angles. The camera swings wildly by the ruins from Fred to Tom, then we see Tom playing guitar outside at sunset. Tom plays guitar behind his head in concert, whilst we see a crazy shot of him running down the stairs of the little temple or pyramid or what have you. Though Tom's guitar face is obscured by the low lighting in the concert shots, I assure you, it's there.

We then see a far-off shot of much larger Mayan pyramids. The band walk around them, then we see an outdoor shot of Tom, solo complete, raise his hand in triumph. In the concert, Tom tries to get the audience to clap along, then we see -- and I have never seen this before, I think I'm only catching it because I'm viewing it at practically a frame-by-frame speed -- two blonde women in the audience fighting each other! We briefly see something shooting out sparks, then a shot of more extensive Mayan ruins. The shots alternate between the band in concert and random settings, like the Mayan stuff or the sun behind some trees (as shot from a moving vehicle).

Tom slides down one of the littler Mayan pyramid things. We then go back to the concert, where the crowd is not clapping but is at least raising their fists in unison along with Tom. Eric tosses his hair in silhouette, then we see a cow's skull onstage. The crowd finally starts clapping along, and though Tom has stopped playing the guitar, he's really, really grimacing as he sings. I guess he's making song face.

We then see the sunset, still more temples, and more of whatever is shooting out sparks. Jeff is playing guitar silhouetted in front of it, whatever the hell it is. Eric helps Tom out on the mic, and the camera races up the steps of a big temple. The band run toward the camera on a country road, then we watch Fred from in between the arms of that cactus by the stage. Someone shakes hands with Tom, then we see a very smiley Eric and Fred at some kind of outdoor bar. We see people in thatched huts, and then Tom playing guitar on a bench with kids again.

As the video oh-so-slowly wraps it up, we see Tom on the horse again and the band by the fence again. At the concert, Tom leans way into the camera and makes weird faces. We watch Tom and Fred goof around at an outdoor market, then we see Eric in the rearview mirror of a truck, singing along. Fred/Jeff rides a motorcycle down the street, and Tom really, really emotes. The band try to read a newspaper, and a little boy runs down the road after their truck. Back by the fence in the jungle, everyone's making faces like it's the 10,000th take of them singing the song by the fence.

Then we get the umpteenth weird wiggly shot of them by the ruins. A waiter, dressed all in white, brings them a drink on a tray while they all sit on the beach. We see a lot of the band in concert, then we watch their legs walk down a road. Tom is wearing jeans and black and tan cowboy boots (the kind where the foot part is one color and the calf part is a different color) and carrying a guitar. Eric is wearing white high-tops and really, really tight stonewashed jeans. Then we zoom out to see the band, full-length, walking away from a camera down the road. The gypsy road? I suppose it is.



THE VERDICT Now, I love me some Cinderella, but I was boring even myself with this one. What the dilly yo? I like this song well enough, and obviously I love the band. I think the problem is that this is the beginning of the end of the Cinderella I love, and thus the beginning of the Cinderella I don't love, i.e. Heartbreak Station Cinderella. What's the problem?

PROBLEM 1: Lack of products. Now, I understand as well as anyone that when you're in a hot, humid place like Central or South America, not even the strongest amount of AquaNet is enough to keep your hair aloft. And of course, no one wants eyeliner running all down their face unless they're Alice Cooper. But that said, this first glimpse of Cinderella sans glam-ification is an augury of what's to come. Do you see how washed out Tom looks? And how Eric's hair just lays utterly flat? Fred is the only one who looks halfway decent, because he was never especially glam to begin with and his frizzy style is going to look roughly the same when exposed to humidity. Anyway, point is that I love the glam Cinderella, not the scaled back version of later years.

PROBLEM 2: Fred has nothing to do. Why is it that in later videos, Cinderella constantly find themselves in places where there's no place for a drum kit? Fred winds up just having to stand around like a dumbass, or, worse, pretend to drum on the damn Mayan ruins. I just don't get it. Like even if you have to lip synch for a video, at least you should get to pretend to play instruments too instead of just slapping at things or clapping along. This also happens extensively in "Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone)," where Fred is left to sort of tap on his thigh in time with the song for wont of drums.

PROBLEM 3: Not enough Tom growl. Long Cold Winter is, sadly, the last album that really has the distinctive Cinderella sound. Why? Because it's the last album where Tom sings consistently in his awesome growly, raspy voice. But even on songs like "Coming Home," you have to sit through a whole long part where he sings all normal, before you can finally get up the rocking part where his cool voice kicks in. Now, part of this may have been due to vocal problems on Tom's part. We all know that voices like this are really hard to maintain (*cough* Axl Rose *cough*cough*).

And if you’ve listened to the Cinderella (or most of Cinderella) tracks on either Metal Mania: Stripped album (both of which I highly recommend -- they're not 100% amazing, but there's more than enough there that you'll want to listen to every day for the rest of your life), you know that Tom Keifer can no longer sing like that at all. They try to cover it up on the version of "Shake Me" by changing the song around completely, so it's like this sort of bluesy little ditty, but on "Don't Know What You've Got" the lack is hideously apparent.

It's very different from someone like for example Phil Lewis, who never did that different of a voice and so who sounds great now, as evidenced on these albums (the version of "Ballad of Jayne" is better than the original, and the acoustic version of "Sex Action" is friggin' awesome). I guess the exception to the rule would be Mark Slaughter, who can still do all the screams and growls on "Fly to the Angels." Go figure.

SUMMARY: This video could have been awesomer. For one, they could have let actual Mexicans into the Cine Maya, instead of the tepid all-white crowd they got for the video, who can't even handle clapping along. Also, why not throw in some Jonny Quest-esque shots of like, random jungle animals? You could have had like a jaguar jumping or an alligator going into water or something. That would have been cool. And for god's sake, just get these guys some blowdryers, some mousse, and some friggin' waterproof mascara! That's what I say.

P.S.: Arrested Development reference FTW!