Saxon, "Ride Like the Wind"

Possibly the Weirdest Video Yet

THE VIDEO Saxon, "Ride Like the Wind," Destiny, 1988, Enigma

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SAMPLE LYRIC "And I've got such a long way to go / to make it to the border of Mexico / so I'll ride / ride like the wind / ride like the wind"

THE VERDICT It's been a while since I did a video that is just a total mess of WTFery, so when I stumbled on this Saxon clip that I had utterly forgotten about I just knew I had to share it with the world.

As a disclaimer, even at the best of times I'm not a big Saxon fan. Technically, I'm not the biggest NWOBHM fan. Yes, I was technically born during the New Wave Of British Heavy Metal, but that means that by the time I was fully sentient i.e. watching MTV, hair was big, glam was king, and I was along for the ride. I mean, if there was one thing I worshipped as a little girl it was long hair (on both men and women). This is probably why I have had exactly one short haircut in my entire life, and I still feel like I'm recovering from that. BTW, it was ten years ago.

But anyway Saxon! So they've got a badass Olde English name, and yes, they gave Metal Sludge its tagline. But I'm just not feeling them as much as say Iron Maiden or Def Leppard (yes, pre-Hysteria they totally count as NWOBHM). I just feel like Saxon's sound is a bit too sludgy and plodding for me. Like "Denim and Leather" for example. Great sentiment, hella boring song. Even allmusic can't make up their minds about Saxon -- they refer to The Power & the Glory as both "unfocused" and "lackluster" and one of their "earlier classics."

Okay enough digressions, I'm supposed to be talking about the video. Or at least the song -- and in this case, the song itself is where the WTF begins. Now being me, I first knew this as a Saxon song. But then one day I was at the grocery store and I heard this playing, sandwiched in between the usual Amy Grant and other lite rock feelgoodery. Wait, what?! Saxon at the grocery?!

But of course, it wasn't -- it was Christopher Cross, since this is actually a cover song. At least two things are really weird about this choice. One, you'd think this was country music, because it's a story song about being a gunslinger on the run. But really two, Saxon don't do much of anything with it. As per the obvious, they guitar it up a bit, and lose the bongos and keyboards, but the vocal doesn't really innovate on the original, hence some of my confusion in the market.

Okay all that aside, the reason I'm even doing this is the video. And oh, the video. It takes the song literally, with all of the band members appearing to be in some kind of Mexican prison. Or maybe it's just the old west. In spite of the members of Saxon wearing 80s clothes and having their instruments (and an arm chair?!) in their cells, there's hay on the ground, and everyone else is wearing ponchos and sombreros. Biff Byford is pushing his head through the bars of his cell and looking especially old and tired.



But fear not! Look who's coming to save them... in some kind of weird, blue-lit factory space that appears to have nothing to do with the jail except that some of the old-timey prison guards are in it. Yes, Saxon's saviors are a trio of women wearing -- I am not making this up -- neoprene-looking bra-tops and high waisted skirts. They're all primary colors paired with black -- so yellow, red, and blue. The old-timey guards are chasing them with flashlights along some kind of catwalk, though we never really see them in the same shot together. Also BTW, these women are capable of a tremendous amount of hair tossing while they run.

Back in the jail, the members of Saxon are killing time. Nigel Durham is drumming in the air, in the great tradition of heavy metal drummers placed in music video situations where they don't have their drum kit. His cell mate, who looks like he's in a mariachi band, is drinking on the bunk above him. Another of the boys is doing push-ups and sit-ups on the floor. Biff keeps checking his pocket watch with his extremely feminine hands. Seriously, I hope it's a body double, it's kind of weird. Also, his wedding band is really pimptastic.

Then it's back to the ladies again. Lots of jiggle -- or okay, as much as all those neoprene bodysuits will allow -- as they run through some smoke. We get a bunch of closeups of their butts, showing us that they've come equipped with more carabiners than they probably need, based on the looks of that prison. We even get an upskirt shot from beneath the catwalk. Classy Saxon, really classy.

Somehow shots of the girls tossing their hair and looking frantic, close-ups of Biff, and Graham Oliver (or is it Paul Quinn?) looking extra bored laying on his prison cot with a guitar are meant to convey to us... something. That the girls are getting closer, even though they appear to be in a dystopian future, and the band seems to be in the old west? Oh no, I guess they were just signaling it was time for the guitar solo.

Oh wow. That was quick. And now Biff is packing a suitcase in his jail cell. He's packed his jeans and oh, don't worry, he's packed his gold record. His cellmate watches him semi-incredulously as he then sinks down into his armchair. Yup, it's the poshest prison in the old west. They let you bring all your stuff with you.



Okay, the ladies have made it to a door with yellowish light shining through the grates, and Biff has shut both his pocket watch and the cover on his record player. I think this signals that we're meant to think this gigantic dark warehouse is indeed somehow an annex of this old time Mexican prison. Oh wow, now they've used a system of pulleys and a can of paint to not simply pull the door of its hinges, but to break a giant hole in the wall. Seriously, you have to watch this video. It's amazing that it's 1988 and they still think stuff like this is a good idea.

The other prisoners look completely blase as the ladies enter the prison and liberate Byford. The others in the band at least bother to sort of acknowledge that something's happening, but even they seem pretty okay with cell life. I mean jeez, if they can bring their instruments and furniture and stuff, prison is kind of like the cheapest rent you can get, right?

Oh helpful. The redhead (yellow costume) has paused, looked around, and then dropped the keys to the cellblock in the middle of the hallway behind her. Nice way to let the other boys in the band know they're appreciated! Biff is leaving via the warehouse with the gals, while we see someone's fingers desperately grasping for the keys. Then he and the ladies then disappear into the fog.

Seriously Saxon, WTF! If you had to go all literal with this song's lyrics, you could have made a cool-ass video like "Wanted Man." Or even something a little bit cheesier, like "Blind in Texas." But instead, you turn it into some Wilson Phillips lookalikes (seriously -- straight blonde hair, curly redhead, bobbed brunette) wearing Body Glove busting you out of a Mexican prison. Or at least, a prison full of Mexicans.

The weirdness in this video is unstoppable. There's no riding in it. There's not even wind! It's like they made the whole concept for the video, then were like "oh wait, the song is about the old west, so the whole fog-filled warehouse concept isn't going to work." And then some enterprising individual was like, "wait, what if there's a door in the warehouse that leads to an old-timey Mexican prison!" And then everyone's like "congratulations, that's a fantastic idea."

Stranger things have happened... I guess.

Scorpions, "No One Like You"

Escape from... San Francisco?


THE VIDEO Scorpions, "No One Like You," Blackout, 1982, Mercury

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SAMPLE LYRICS "There's no one like you-ouu / I can't wait for the nights with you / I imag-ine the things we'll doo-ooo / I just wanna be lafffffed by youuu-ouuuu / no on like you-ouuuuu!"

THE VERDICT Though the Scorpions often had really bizarre cover art (like this NSFW one, or this other one, which is more or less Spinal Tap's original idea for Smell the Glove), the Scorps generally had enough good taste not to recreate their album covers in their videos... at least until this one, which starts off weird and only gets weirder.

Before we get too far into the video, let me mention that "No One Like You" is a totally badass song. The guitar riff at the beginning sounds like the tryout version of "Rock You Like a Hurricane," and Klaus Meine's slightly weird were-they-translated-from-German lyrics are as compelling as ever, as is his delivery. I mean, "girl, there are really no vords strong eee-naah-aaff / to dee-scribe all my lahng-eengs for lafffff" rules, and Klaus honestly sounds straight-up sexy on "ooh babe, I just need you like nev-ar be-for-ore." As we shall see, this isn't the case, but it's a great vocal.

So what's going on here? Well, for one, we're talking about the original video, not the World Wide Live version where they're traveling around Asia. What we've got here is some kind of island prison -- possibly Alcatraz, probably somewhere in Europe -- where Klaus appears to be on death row. He's waiting around for a visit from his lady, who bears a strong resemblance to Beverly D'Angelo in National Lampoon's European Vacation (admittedly, the hat helps a lot).



He's got a pic of her hanging in his cell, along with an American flag -- uhh, what's up with that? Well, maybe it belongs to the guy he shares his cell with, who looks about 90. But whatever, there are a lot of things that are a bit off about this prison. I mean, one of the guards is a little person. Nothing against, but like, don't prison guards seem like the kind of job that would have a height requirement?

If you were hoping to see anyone else in the band, look fast -- as Klaus gets marched down the hall, that's all you'll see of Matthias, Herman, or Francis, they're the guys giving him the thumbs-up from behind bars. In the meantime, his lady friend is making her way out by boat. Whether it's San Francisco or Europe, I don't think that shark is really there, and heck, I'm no ichthyologist but that first fin looks like a dolphin to me.

Anyway, as soon as the lady gets into the prison, they let her loose on Klaus, making me want to scream "NO TOUCHING!" Klaus' especially long hair in this video distracts me, as does how tall this woman is compared to him. Watching this video you have to have the same suspension of belief you have during Krokus videos (especially this one), though a little less since Klaus is a great vocalist.

This lovely little moment gets broken up by the re-enactment of the album cover, wherein Rudolf Schenker shows up, clad in white and inexplicably with forks over his eyes, screaming and smashing a guitar. Why the heck are there forks over his eyes? How did he get out of his cell? And which came first, the bizarro cover art or the concept for this video?

And believe it or not, that is not the weirdest part of this video. No, that's still to come, when suddenly we cut from Klaus in bed to Klaus in the chair with the priest by his side -- and the woman, dressed in leather, throwing some kind of switch that causes a bunch of flames to shoot up. Wait, what?!



Just when you think things can't devolve any further, we get more shots of Klaus in bed. I never needed to see his chest hair. Is it shaved into that shape a la Nic Cage in Valley Girl? Or does it just grow that way? These are questions I never wanted to ask. Similarly, seeing his bikini briefs, not something I wanted.

But the real coda is that when he covers his face with his hands, we can see he's wearing a wedding band. Uhh, buddy, that is not a dream you want to be having about your spouse! Luckily, he looks out the window and verifies that he just has a lovely prison view, and so no, he's not himself imprisoned.

Still though... between this, all the afore-mentioned album covers, and well, all their other videos (blowing up the ladies' futuristic castle in "Rhythm of Love"?!), the Scorps' relationship to women is, let's just say, conflicted at best. Not that we can't say this for almost every other heavy metal group, of course.

Also, the more I think about it, the more I'm thinking this is Alcatraz. Not because of any actual ability of mine to verify this, but really because it reminds me a lot of the Testament video for "Over the Wall."

P.S.: Also obviously, since it's almost Valentine's Day, I had to do a love song, and so this post is for my partner, who there truly is no one like.