Tesla, "What You Give"

Dead Dogs and Warehouses  

THE VIDEO Tesla, "What You Give," Psychotic Supper, 1991, Geffen 

  

SAMPLE LYRIC "It's not what you got / it's what you give / it's not the life you choose / it's the one you live" 

THE VERDICT Okay, so I know that very little happens in this video. It's pretty much just Tesla playing the song in what appears to be the Blair Witch's house. In the whole beginning part when Jeff Keith is kind of by himself in another area, sort of half in shadow and tangled up in wires, I keep expecting he's going to come into the main room and see Brian Wheat just standing there facing into the corner. Jeff does have his eyes closed until like, halfway into this video, so maybe he's scared. 

Seriously, what is it about these sort of unfinished spaces — whether warehouses or barns — that metal video directors decided telegraphs a certain kind of authenticity? And I mean, are Tesla the kind of band that even needs to bother with that? I mean no one looks at Troy Luccketta and is like "That guy's trying too hard. What a poseur." 

I don't know, maybe they were trying to counterbalance Frank Hannon's elaborately crocheted sweater. (Yes, my other hobby — approximately as non-metal as you can get — is crochet.) I kind of think that Jeff rocking the denim-vest-over-leather-jacket look does enough of that, but whatever. 

Anyway, this week the video's not really what I want to talk about (and nooo, for once I don't want to tell a long anecdote about myself either!). I actually want to talk about this song, which I freaking love. 

Well, I halfway do. I love the verse, and hate the chorus, which is actually pretty common for me. In the case of "What You Give," it's just that it goes way too Hallmark with all the rhyming. But I think the bigger offense is just repetition — jeepers jolly, they repeat the chorus just ad nauseam toward the end of the song, in an increasingly frantic way. About the only song that I enjoy this in is "Cherry Pie." 

Here though, if sheer repetitiveness hasn't already worn you down, the part where Tommy Skeoch screams it in a guttural voice will. Ew. It's like cheese squared.

 

But the rest of the song! Oh the rest of the song. It's the kind of thing I want to doodle in ballpoint pen in the margins of every notebook I own! "I feel so lonely and I know I'm not the only one / to carry on this way / I love you so much I lose track of time! / Lose track of the days." I mean this is what you want love to be like, people. 

Okay, maybe not the loneliness part. But no, I don't think it's like, an existential loneliness song. It's more of a temporarily-apart-via-circumstances-somewhat-beyond-our-control song. And then when they reprise the beginning, and turn it into the second person — "You're the one, that makes me happy / oh yeah bay-bee! / you're the one always on my mind" etc. I. Can't. Even. Deal. 

"Why can't forever be, forever and nothin' more?" That is exactly the kind of lyrical nothing — a sort of vague profundity that doesn't really make a whole lot of sense — that instantly makes me feel seventeen again in like, the best way possible. 

 

And yet. 

And yet. 

It turns out the whole dang song is about a dog! Sigh. For real Tesla? Yes, for real. Or at least, according to Jeff in the little intro to "What You Give" on Time's Makin' Changes. 

Now don't get me wrong. I love dogs. I have a dog. She's eight. She is very giving, though I would also say she takes quite a bit too. I just... I don't want this song to be about a dog. 

Now Guns N Roses' "Used to Love Her," that's a song that well, I'm not stoked it's purportedly about a dog, but I guess that's better than it being totally misogynistic? I guess this is one of those times where I don't want to know what the song's really about, and just want to have my own interpretation of it. 

Weirdly, way back in the day this was one of the most common arguments made against music videos — that seeing a specific visual would supersede whatever the listener just related the music to on their own, in their head. I don't think I really get this with videos — since at least they're related to the songs — but I will say, having a song be prominently featured in a movie, a commercial, or (the ultimate personal-association-killer) a commercial for a movie really does it. 

But has it ever done it for a metal song for me? Hmm, I'm gonna have to think about this one. I think Tesla are safe though, at least from that fate. 

P.S.: I know it's a stretch, but I was going for a Freaks and Geeks reference.

Bon Jovi, "Livin' on a Prayer"

Are We Halfway There Yet?  

THE VIDEO Bon Jovi, "Livin' on a Prayer," Slippery When Wet, 1986, Mercury 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Whooooooooa! / We're halfway they-ere! / Whooooooooa-ohhhh! / Livin' on a pray-air!" 

THE VERDICT Now those in the know usually give credit to the chart success of Quiet Riot's Metal Health for breaking metal with a mainstream audience. But I would estimate that a great many more claim Slippery When Wet as metal's watershed moment with the broader U.S. audience. 

Why choose JBJ over QR? Well, let's face it, Kevin DuBrow (RIP) was never a contender versus Jon Bon Jovi in the looks department. (That said, I'd take Carlos Cavazo over Richie Sambora any day.) So that's probably part of it. 

But what else is it? Well, "Livin' on a Prayer" gives us some ideas. 

For one, there's the song itself. They've brought in a serious hitman, Desmond Child, who I've ruminated about at length already. Suffice to say that yes, you do usually get what you pay for in the super-producer department. 

But two, with this tale of Tommy and Gina, Bon Jovi take a page directly from fellow Jerseyite (Jerseyan?) The Boss, and we already know it's a page that works. Stories about down on their luck (it's tough) New Jerseyers are gold, nay, platinum even. Now for Bruce Springsteen, who I absolutely freakin' love, the stories are usually enough on their own. 

I mean, don't even get me started on "The River." That song makes me cry my eyes out just thinking about it. It is so, so good, and so, so sad. I remember in high school I was on this long college road trip with my mom, and we'd been listening to The Boss' greatest hits CD on repeat. I kept skipping "The River" every time it came up, 'cause it made me cry. But finally she was like, "Don't skip it, I really like this song, it's not a big deal. The people in the song aren't even real." 

 

So I read the liner notes in the little CD book, where he kind of told the story of each song, and found out the song was about his brother-in-law and sister. Oh man, I cried harder than ever. Suffice to say I did not get into the next college where I interviewed, with my red, watery eyes and puffy face. They probably thought I was suffering from some kind of intense college application stress or something (when in reality I didn't really care at all, it's just that "The River" is really sad!).

 

Anyway. 

As Jon has revealed to people's surprise (really?), Tommy and Gina are not real people (this is surprising how?). Doesn't really matter here though. All we care about is that they're gonna make it, and they've got loads of keyboards and a talk box (which I think of as a Peter Frampton Machine) to help them along. 

Even more than the song though, I think it's this video (and the constant airplay it received) that just exploded Bon Jovi all over the place. I mean, it's not like they hadn't made albums (and videos) before this. But it's with this one that all the elements that will make up many future Bon Jovi videos — and many other metal videos — fall into place. 

One, there's the guys themselves. Most of the video is sort of "behind the scenes" footage as they set up, and we see them as fun, goofy, friendly guys. David Bryan plays Alec John Such's guitar, JBJ and Richie constantly mug at each other, only Tico Torres is kind of relegated to the background. 

Two, Jon has really solidified his look with this video, and it's about to get copied all over the place. I think the element that's here now, and was really missing in their previous videos, is his long leather duster jacket, with all the medallions and fringe and stuff. Suddenly, these things (which seem like they'd be kind of hot temperature-wise and awkward to wear) become metal must-haves. 

But the other thing that's interesting is the extent to which Bon Jovi have changed their look to transform themselves into the (long-haired) boys next door. As pretty as Jon is, they aren't a very glam-looking band. Jon's coat aside, they are actually wearing pretty normal guy clothes for the time — concert tees and fitted jeans. They're much less colorful looking than they were in say, "In and Out of Love." 

So it's a weird paradox — while on the one hand, their sound is as pop and commercial as can be, they're actually among the first of the more glam or lyrical groups to really tone down their wardrobes. If I had to guess whether this helped their popularity with the non-metal-fan U.S. audience I'd have to say um yeah, it did.

 

The other thing they've done in this video is seriously upped their production values. I don't know what it is about slightly blue-tinted black and white, but it takes everything from looking like it was being shot on the cheap to looking like it's all part of some insanely gorgeous documentary. Slow down the footage just ever-so-slightly for bonus points. 

Unlike all the serious black-and-white in like, "Wanted Dead or Alive" though, here it's all fun. Particularly because Jon, Alec, and I'm assuming Richie too are strapped into harnesses allowing them to fly out over the audience. This makes room for even more shots of them goofing around, as they try out the harnesses and joke with the technicians who are strapping them in. 

And then, of course, we get the big punch at the end — when with the biggest "WHOA!", suddenly we're in color and there's a live, very sweaty audience. 

We might also notice that it's a very male audience. Why? See, even though Bon Jovi might be threatening everyone's manliness with all those power ballads, by toning down the colorful clothes and makeup, it's still all good. You can be a hetero dude and listen to "Never Say Goodbye." 

In this sense, I think Bon Jovi hit upon a magic formula several beats before a lot of other really big bands did (though eventually they would become almost notorious for having a heavily female audience, because of course you know that's a bad thing smh). 

Okay anyway, before I get all into deconstructing the gender dynamics of heavy metal's listenership (as someone who regularly gets asked things like whether I'm buying that Slayer button for my boyfriend, I could do this all day), why this video now? Well, 'cause school's starting today for me, and I'm feeling more than a little bit beaten down. 

And if Jon and the boys screaming "Whooa-ohhhh!" in ever-higher registers is what does it for me right now, so be it. Also wait, whoa, ("Whooa-ohhhh!" even) — I just realized something. This is my 150th post. (It's only my 149th video though, thanks to my double-dipping on "Estranged.") Still though, dang, that's a lot of videos! And there's still so many more to go. I guess I'm gonna be livin' on a pray-air in more ways than one.

 

Enuff Z'nuff, "Fly High Michelle"

Haters Gonna Hate  

THE VIDEO Enuff Z'nuff, "Fly High Michelle," Enuff Z'nuff, 1989, Atlantic 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Why'd you have to give it up? / (Fly high Michelle) / Well you was just a little girl / (Fly high Michelle) / I'll never look into your blue eyes / (Fly high Michelle)" 

THE VERDICT Okay people, I'm warning you now: I'm mad stressed out this week what with school starting again and all, and so I have seriously poured myself like a Big Gulp of haterade for this one (and I'm using my SummerSlam Slurpee straws!). 

Enuff Z'nuff fans, back away from your computers (or just look at the pretty pictures. Ooh, rainbows!). So the faithful reader who suggested this is right that the "cutting edge graphics of rainbows, doves and lightning" in this video "should never go ignored." 

In fact, as you watch this video they are pretty much impossible to ignore — you can barely see the dang band! There are rainbows, doves, balloons, and clouds flying around everywhere. It's like a Lisa Frank notebook exploded. Or like they designed it based on the Trapper Keeper I got circa 1986. 

I know. It's a sad song. I shouldn't be making fun of a song that Donnie Vie actually wrote about a friend's suicide. But I'm sorry, it's just an awful, drippy, monotonous song, and all the CGI rainbows in the world can't change that. 

If you want to listen to a metal song about suicide, just go straight to "Don't Close Your Eyes." If you want to listen to a metal song about someone named Michelle, why not "My Michelle"? 

I mean jeepers jolly, Enuff Z'nuff are just not a very good band. Now I know plenty of people out there will disagree with me. Allmusic, for example, describe Poison and Warrant as "disposable" but Enuff Z'nuff as merely "mispackaged power pop." They act like the entire mainstream of metal was the sort of weird aberration (referring to it as the "ill-fated hair-metal craze"), and like Enuff Z'nuff are somehow on the level of Cheap Trick. 

Uh no. And I don't even mean Cheap Trick circa 1988. (Come on, you remember "The Flame"!) We won't even go near "Dream Police."

 

There are soo many bands that got "mispackaged" as metal at the time, basically due to the musicians being white, male, and having hair that was longer than chin-length. And yes, there are some where the level of "mispackaging" is debatable, and the talent is definitely not (Tesla are the perfect example of this). Others though are just terrible bands, and I'm sorry, but Enuff Z'nuff is one of them. 

Who else is in this club? Okay, well Nelson spring to mind instantaneously. Even if they put "(Can't Live Without Your) Love and Affection" on the second Metal Mania Stripped... and even if it is a pretty solid pop song... and even if Stephanie Seymour dumped one of them for Axl (I can't remember which one — I think Matt), Nelson are just not metal. 

Or what about Bad English? Put on leather jackets and tease up your hair all you want John Waite, you're still the dude who's most known for "Missing You." (You know, "I ain't missing you at all!") 

And I mean, Neal Schon? Journey have some great songs, but Journey ain't metal. Long story short, I know I like some cheesy stuff, but "When I See You Smile" makes me want to projectile vomit. 

Another prime suspect: I don't care if Billy Sheehan's the bassist. Mr. Big are a brutally awful band, and another perfect example of a "lumped in" or "mispackaged" or whatever you want to call it situation. 

Actually, if I could guess what band Mr. Big most wanted to be, I'd have to guess Tesla (I mean "Green-Tinted Sixties Mind"?). Instead though, they are whining about waiting in line to be with a girl. It's not even sloppy seconds here, it's like filthy fifths! Ew! And I'm sorry, but lines like "build up your confidence, so you can be on top for once" are basically just guaranteed panty-droppers for girls with low self-esteem. (Sorry, I warned you I was in a dark mood!) 

Oh my gosh, I got so into this rant I totally forgot about the video. It's weird too, because I generally hate arguments about what "is" and "isn't" metal, 'cause overall, in case you haven't noticed, I'm pretty inclusive. I'll go glam, I'll do thrash, I like lyrical, I like speed. But yeah, I guess what I hate is bad, guitar-based pop by long-haired guys that confuses people into thinking it's metal.

 

Long story short, I freakin' hate Extreme. (That should get me some hate mail. But seriously, one of my greatest fears is that I'll be trapped in a confined space and "Hole Hearted" will be playing on repeat. If I were like, in one of those Saw movies, that would be the thing that happened to me. I'd destroy myself trying to escape Gary Cherone!) 

Okay, video, video, video. Basically, we are in a rainy, computer-generated sort-of New York City (there does appear to be something like the Empire State building and the Chrysler building, but no WTC). 

Everything is in black and white until Donnie Vie drops his goofy John Lennon glasses, which suddenly begin sprouting rainbows. Though we see the band getting onto a tour bus, next thing we know they're playing the song on a cloud. And naturally, a model-type girl with straight blond hair and a neon green dress is picking up the glasses and putting them on. That's when things start getting really nuts. 

Rainbows are shooting every which way, the same dove keeps flying across the frame, and the clouds are genuinely obscuring what's going on. Yeah, we get close-ups of Donnie's face, and Chip Z'nuff impersonating Like a Virgin-era Madonna, but that's about it. 

Oh wait, until all the balloons. Somehow, the girl with the glasses gets hold of a bunch of balloons, and they take her up into the sky above the city. Balloons start flying freakin' everywhere! The girl floats past the band's cloud, and Donnie tries to grab her, but she just keeps going. This makes things get a bit darker, and lightning starts shooting all over the place. 

And how did I forget to mention the giant full moon that is in the background of virtually every shot? Guess I'm just being lazy. Okay. 

So I know I made like, the same points I made last time I talked about Enuff Z'nuff. But I think that's 'cause sometimes enough is enough! And after that gigundo "November Rain" post, I'm still a bit spent. I'll be back in the swing of things soon enough though, just you wait. 

P.S.: When I'm in this kind of mood, you should probably read the whole post to yourself in the voice of Carl from ATHF.

Twisted Sister feat. Alice Cooper, "Be Chrool to Your Scuel"

Schoolday of the Dead  

THE VIDEO Twisted Sister featuring Alice Cooper, "Be Chrool to Your Scuel", Come Out and Play, 1985, Atlantic 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Be cruel to your schoo-ool! / 'Cause you may never get another! / Be cruel to your schoo-ool! / In the name of rock n' roll!" 

THE VERDICT Never seen this one before? Not too surprising — MTV rejected it as too offensive at the time, Vh-1 Classic doesn't even air it now, and even Twisted Sister themselves have more or less buried it. 

It's pretty much their Heaven's Gate. What with all the celeb guests — Alice Cooper, obviously, as well as Bobcat Goldthwait; but behind the scenes you've purportedly got Brian Setzer, Clarence Clemons, and most bizarrely, Billy Joel — clearly this production cost a ton. We've moved beyond just like, people who are only famous for being in Animal House (though I know, Niedermeyer goes on to be the Maestro in Seinfeld. But that comes later). I think they pretty much blew their Stay Hungry money on this one. 

And as the opening of this video pointedly reminds us, Dee Snider was feeling pretty self-righteous about censorship as it was, having somewhat inadvertently having become the face (and voice) of heavy metal during the Parents Music Resource Center hearings (no one else from the world of metal really showed up to testify). It's no wonder that after working up this whole song and video only to have MTV pretty much kill it, they decided to shelve the whole thing. 

You also have to imagine that all the non-Dee Snider members of Twisted Sister weren't that into it anyway, as they barely figure in the video to begin with. All they really get to do is open lockers and peek inside. 

Anyway, the video begins with two quotes, both from the September 28, 1985 U.S. Senate Hearings on Rock Lyrics. First, from Dee: "Our videos are simply meant to be cartoons with human actors." Second, from Senator Ernest Hollings (D-SC, but really that D is in the old-line, Strom Thurmond southern Democrat sense): "It's just outrageous filth." 

I have to say, I do appreciate that at least at some point, something cool got discussed during one of these things. When I was in college, I had a work-study job at the library, and I worked in the government documents collection. OMG, does the U.S. government pump out a lot of paper. I spent a lot of time shelving the Congressional Record, so I'm glad that at least in 1985 it might have included some of this.

 

Then we get a lengthy vignette featuring Bobcat Goldthwait as a frantic high school teacher. Yeah, I kind of relate to this sequence. Sometimes when I'm teaching, I will just kind of go out of body for a second and be like, "Wait, does what I'm saying make sense at all? Or am I just saying completely random things?" I mean, the answers are always yes, and then no, but it's kind of like how sometimes you'll be driving your car, and suddenly you'll have a moment where you're like 'Oh, whoa, I'm driving right now', almost as if you somehow forgot you were driving? 

I know, I'm making you fear for the educational future of your children or whatnot right now. But really, if you're reading this, you should probably already be worried about your kids, heh heh. 

Anyway, the bell rings, and we get the usual teacher-gets-jostled-about-in-the-crowd-of-students shot. Does this ever really happen, outside of heavy metal videos and charismatic-teacher/principal-turns-around-a-troubled-school movies? I don't remember ever being in such a hurry to leave class that I needed to like, trample somebody. 

Fade to Bob quickly regaining his composure in an incredibly spacious teacher's lounge, with giant windows and ample seating. He grabs his Walkman from a cubby and settles into a couch beside another teacher who's also listening to headphones. The first teacher asks him what he's listening to, and Bob responds by yelling "TWISTED SISTER!" right into the guy's face. 

The other teacher plugs his headphones into Bob's giant Walkman so he can listen too, and suddenly — two full freakin' minutes in — Bob opens his eyes and transforms into Dee Snider. And the other teacher opens his eyes and transforms into Alice Cooper! 

There's spooky blue lighting, and dry ice fog, and naturally the other teachers have become Mark Mendoza, Jay Jay French, etc. I also enjoy how everyone demonstrates their transformation by looking at their palms in astonishment. 

Is that what one does when one wakes up as someone else? At least in Big and 17 Again and The Hot Chick and stuff like that, people react by looking in mirrors and completely freaking out and screaming a lot and stuff. But I think they decided (rightly) that this video was long enough.

 

Dee and Alice head into the hall and yup, the students are zombies. This is like the one heavy metal video about school that doesn't use some kind of A Clockwork Orange-type scenario, but zombies give you the same idea I suppose — less that education is force-fed, but still the same idea that it is somehow mindless. 

Despite the fact that Dee and Alice just push past the zombies, who seem totally harmless and uninterested in eating their brains, it's clearly the zombie footage that got this video nixed. Probably the grossest thing in it is the zombies-making-out scene, which involves one zombie sort of trying to pull the other zombie's jaw off—yup, it looks like when David Coverdale and Tawny Kitaen make out, only with rotting flesh. 

But on the plus, it reminds me of one of my favorite scenes in the best-show-you-haven't-watched, Bob's Burgers — Tina's zombie dream. Seriously, I love everything Jon Benjamin does so much.

Actually, it's not just the making out. A lot of disgusting stuff happens in this video. A student leaves an apple on teacher Dee's desk, and his hand and forearm get left along with it. 

Then again, I feel like worse stuff (and with much more realistic special effects) happens in "Thriller." I mean when that one corpse has all that green stuff come out of its mouth? Gee-ross. Okay, but then Dee acts like he's going to eat the arm, so. Michael Jackson did a lot of weird stuff, but cannibalism (or would this be like, necrophagy or something?) wasn't among it. 

The cafeteria scene is oddly reminiscent of "Hot for Teacher," with the band playing on a raised platform in one corner. But why is the lunch lady serving the zombies rubber rats? Shouldn't she be serving them brains? Or at least cold spaghetti noodles and peeled grapes? (Come on, you never did that when you were a kid? "These were his eyes!")

 

Okay, actually I think the grossest scene in this video is — well I'm not sure what's happening. At first it seems like it's the school nurse, but then you see other kids watching, so maybe it's some kind of bio class. But a zombie teacher is decapitating one zombie student, and then a student in the classroom imitates this by ripping open his own neck and going for what's in there. Yeah, it's early in the morning as I write this and that's making me feel a little queasy. Tracheotomies freak me out. (Wait, are there people who aren't freaked out by tracheotomies? Don't answer that.)

Suddenly Alice is dressed as a doctor too, and he shines his little light in one student's ear and has it come out the other. WTF is going on in this video?! Annnnd now he's got a scalpel out. Sorry Dee, but this is no Wile E. Coyote-style giant Acme anvil. You're getting a little too gruesome with this one. 

Though to his credit, he does use a fire extinguisher on the home ec teacher whose hands are on fire. But now Dee's biting people again. Is he the only real zombie here? 

There's a sequence with a zombie band playing that's pretty straightforward, and I assume is covering for the fact that aside from Alice, they couldn't actually get any of their guest musicians to appear in the video. Hence a zombie stand-in for Clarence Clemons, etc. Apparently this is where the bar was for him (RIP): He'd be in a Lady GaGa video, but not this. 

As the zombie students crowd into the auditorium, Twisted Sister quickly run to replace the zombie band. Speaking of zombies, have I mentioned yet that Alice Cooper looks freakin' exhausted in this video? You can tell the whole time that Dee is so into it, but Alice looks like he's barely even going through the motions.

 

Anyway, the whole zombie crew pours through the halls, and we get a quick meet-the-band sequence actually showing the non-Dee members of Twisted Sister — hey, remember them? 

Then we're back in the now normally-lit teachers' lounge with Bob, who's waking up. Wait, was it all just a dream? He puts his Walkman back in his cubby and heads out into the hall — where he is instantly smothered with zombie hands. Dunt-dunt-DAH! 

I think this video's biggest downfall might not even be the video — it's the song. Now I know I'm no big Twisted Sister fan, but among their singles I think this is actually the weakest. It's clear they love mining the look, feel, and sound of the 50s/pre-Beatles 60s (I mean remember what the other big single from this album was?). But this bizarre homage to the Beach Boys' "Be True to Your School" just doesn't work.  

P.S.: Oh my gosh, even in this already super-long post, I can't believe I forgot the one salient successful element of this video — it was one of the first things Luke Perry was cast in, and Twisted Sister are at times credited with having 'discovered' the future Dylan McKay. Can you believe it? 

I can't for the life of me figure out who he is in this video. He would have been about 19 or 20 when it was shot. My first guess was the kid in the center of the first photo strip, but he seems too young. Then again, Luke was playing high school-aged Dylan whilst in his late 20s/early 30s, so maybe when he actually was that age he looked like he was a tween? My second guess is the self tracheotomy guy (left photo in the bottom strip), though that might be the same guy. What do you all think? 

P.P.S.: Get it? Like the George Romero sequel?

  

Warrant, "Cherry Pie"

RIP Jani Lane  

THE VIDEO Warrant, "Cherry Pie," Cherry Pie, 1990, Columbia 

SAMPLE LYRIC "She's my cherry pie / cool drink of water / such a sweet surprise / looks so good / she'll bring a tear to your eye / sweet cherry pi-ie!" 

THE VERDICT I have wanted to write up this video forever, but not like this. Not like this! Obviously at this point in time, this isn't new news, but lead singer Jani Lane is dead at 47. Why, Jani, why? Well, we all have to grieve the best way we know how. And you know me, I do it through blog posts. (Though I think Canter's did an awesome job, too — I love their cupcakes, so I imagine their pie is darn good as well!) 

I already did "Heaven" — it was actually one of the very first posts I did on this blog, seven years ago — so we're going to go with for my money one of the greatest songs ever written. Yes folks, finally, it's time for "Cherry Pie." 

Am I being sarcastic when I say I think "Cherry Pie" is one of the best songs ever written? Absolutely not. I really do. Have you heard the acoustic version on Metal Mania Stripped? It's un-effing-believable. It's a great bassline, Jani's vocal delivery is fantastic, and I mean come on, the song just builds and builds. By the end you're screaming the chorus! 

I remember getting in an argument with one of my exes over this, with him claiming the metaphor was tawdry and lame, and me taking the side that it's amazing. I mean seriously — they make "swinging" work on so many levels! As an adult I appreciate it, and as a fifth grader I had no idea what the hell this song was about. Well done, Warrant. 

I should also mention that technically my favorite part of this song is just the part where they yell "Oh yeah!" at strategic points in the chorus. Now we all know — especially since it's been endlessly rehashed since his death — that Jani had a contentious relationship to this song, and wasn't always exactly stoked about the idea that it would be his entire legacy. (Which I mean for me at least it wasn't in danger of being, even if it was the centerpiece.) 

In the end he seems to have embraced it, and I think he made the right choice. It's a terrific song! 

 

And the video! The video is unforgettable, and you know it. It's simple, it's funny, and it elevated Bobbie Brown from your standard rock video girl to full-fledged video vixen. 

And even though Bobbie has talked a lot of smack about Jani since then, this video led to them getting married and having a daughter, Taylar. Plus I mean really, she was dating Matthew Nelson? Now that I'm thinking about it though, she definitely has a type... Stevie Rachelle is like a poor man's Jani Lane. 

Anyway. Bobbie herself is definitely a type too — I've said it before, and I'll say it again, but she's a perfect example of this circa-1990 Christina Applegate type that everyone around then seemed to just love. Straight blond hair with bangs, heavy dark eyebrows, red lipstick, often one artfully placed mole... I call these ones "Great White girls" a lot (and indeed, Bobbie's in a couple of their videos) or when I don't know the girl in the video's name, I generally just refer to them all as Christina Applegate. 

This was just the standard of beauty back then. I mean even if you think of models who were big at the time — like Niki Taylor was like a high-end Christina Applegate type. Or Kelly Taylor from 90210 — in early seasons, she's like a Christina doppelgänger. (I should also mention that Bobbie was even on Married With Children — the Applegate is strong with this one!) 

Okay, now I've made it pretty far into this post without actually talking about anyone who's even in Warrant, let alone the video itself. So let's go there. 

I love this video because there's actually very little to it — it's mainly the guys goofing around, and then little vignettes of Bobbie plus a few props. I remember I always used to wonder how they made these like, totally white spaces for videos or photo shoots or stuff like that.

 

Now I've been around that kind of stuff enough to know it's usually just a completely white painted room, but with a curve leading from floor to wall, so there's no corner and, if lit correctly, no visible difference between the two (the other alternative is to use giant rolls of set paper to create the same effect, but they're jumping around too much for that here). 

Thus here Warrant appear to be in this weird, completely empty white space, save for their various red props. What have the Down Boys brought with them? Umm, all kinds of stuff. Let's see. 

First, an amazing red, black, and white wardrobe that they appear to be sharing (I'm pretty sure Jani and Eric Turner are wearing the same polka dot shirt in different shots). They've even coordinated their instruments, with red guitars, red amps, and a red drum kit for Steven Sweet (occasionally with actual cherry pies placed on the drums). 

When they're all together, Warrant are mainly shot playing on top of giant red polka dots — gosh I love the polka dots of the late 80s/early 90s — but when they're separate, they're usually just on the white. 

Bobbie is wearing pretty much the ultimate Christina Applegate girl outfit. Red lipstick (duh), giant earrings, a red bustier halter top, high-waisted yet extremely short denim cut-offs, a large belt, and red cowboy boots. 

I have to say, I've been surprised how strong of a comeback this exact "denim panties" look has made. I'm not going to lie, it's a trap I fall into myself, but still, there are limits. If when you sit down, I can't tell if you're wearing anything on your bottom half, that's just weird. But anyway, I digress. 

We watch Bobbie get into some silly situations, semi-acting out some of the lyrics of the song. First she's a red-and-white clad rollerskating waitress (she sort of looks like she works at Ruby's), tripping over Joey Allen's cord and somehow magically dropping a slice of cherry pie straight into her own lap (also having magically changed into black spandex bike shorts — now there's an early 90s look I don't miss). We also almost get the "swinging" literally with Bobbie in a team Warrant red-and-white baseball uniform, posing on a mitt-shaped couch.

Personally though I prefer the lips-shaped couch she's posing on a minute later, in her spandex shorts outfit (complete with black bra top, for that back-up dancer in an MC Hammer music video look). There are weirdly a lot of art references in this video — I could do a whole thing on all the metal videos that randomly reference "American Gothic." 

It's not all that highbrow though. Probably one of the best-known sequences of this video is the firehose part. Bobbie walks by a red firetruck that the guys from Warrant are all sitting beside. They pull out the hose and all five of them spray her with the hose. Oh, I don't mean they take turns. I mean it takes all five of them to wrangle this thing, which appears to have about as much water pressure as a garden hose. Hmm. 

In case that's not literal enough for us, we then get some close-up cherry eating, followed by another iconic image from this video — Jani with a fake smile on his face "ten miles wide." This shot is often used in decline of hair metal montages where they're trying to be like, "metal wasn't serious enough anymore." 

Well you know what? We don't have to be serious all the time. Yeah it's cheesy, but I for one like that Warrant seem to be having a great time in this video. They can throw a bunch of instruments out of the back of a red car, or have Joey cry after he looks through binoculars and somehow sees Bobbie cut in half. (Think about it, if the top of her torso shows up in one eye and her butt's in the other one... something grim has happened.)

Also, can I please get a red-and-white polka dot sheet set like they have in the bedroom sequence? That might well be my favorite part of the video. The shots of Jani and Bobbie in profile make Jani look astonishingly hot, and besides, I think this is my favorite verse of the song. It reminds me of "Your Mama Don't Dance." 

Before the video wraps up, we actually get another high-end reference — the cherry pie painting sitting beside the couch, which the car then appears to drive through, is clearly meant to look like the comic-panel-inspired pop art of Roy Lichtenstein (see, aren't you glad I took all those art history classes in college so I could write a blog about metal videos?). Well, I sure am. 

RIP Jani.