Warrant, "Uncle Tom's Cabin"

Swamp Things

THE VIDEO Warrant, "Uncle Tom's Cabin," Cherry Pie, 1990, Columbia

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SAMPLE LYRIC "I know a secret down at Uncle Tom's Cab-iiiiin / I know a secret that I just can't tell / I know a secret down at Uncle Tom's Cabin / know who put the bah-days in the wishin' welllll"

THE VERDICT My boyfriend plays guitar, and every time he picks it up when I'm around and starts playing something, I invariably yell, "play the beginning of 'Uncle Tom's Cabin'!" He always is all "I don't know it blablabla" and best case scenario I get him to play "Cherry Pie," but perhaps this post will provide the inspiration to tackle the lovely acoustic intro to this song.

Speaking of intros, I have to give fair warning now: This post will undoubtedly be full to bursting with digressions, because there is nothing, literally nothing this video doesn't remind me of. Okay, technically, there are lots of things it doesn't remind me of, but... well... why don't we just get these out of the way now?

As per usual, this reminds me of Hanna-Barbera cartoons, and of course, Scooby-Doo. There's an episode of Dynomutt that features Scooby and the gang with a swamp theme -- "The Wizard of Ooze" -- where the villains live in a swamp that looks like this, and turn Big City into Bog City by pumping mud into it.

Even more though this reminds me of the Scooby-Doo episodes that take place in a swamp. In the original Scooby-Doo, Where Are You? there's an episode with a witch and a zombie haunting a swamp ("Which Witch is Which?"). I feel like the backgrounds from that get more or less re-used for the Scooby-Doo Show episode "The Gruesome Game of the Gator Ghoul" which is, you know, pretty much what it sounds like. Monster alligator haunting a swamp.



There must be something about swamps and monsters -- or maybe I just watch a lot of things with swamps and monsters -- because this video also reminds me of the numerous movies they watch on Mystery Science Theater 3000 that take place in the south -- "The Giant Spider Invasion" (which I thought was rural Georgia but is apparently Wisconsin) comes immediately to mind (watch it minus Mike and the bots here), but the one that is most similar to this is probably "Boggy Creek II" which involves a Sasquatch in rural Arkansas.

Though not super-similar to other metal videos (closest that comes to mind for me is Alice Cooper's "House of Fire," which also features the light-shining-through-holes-in-house motif), it's definitely similar to other videos that appear to take place in the south. The first one that comes to mind is Damn Yankee's "High Enough," since that also involves law enforcement, shacks, guns, and shirtlessness. It's also though reminiscent of Alannah Myles' "Black Velvet"... which though it involves a shack and is about the South wasn't shot in the South. What can I say, I'm from New England and apparently really bad at identifying what's actually in the South (that video isn't even in the US, it's Canada!).

This video certainly isn't helping any. The plot is quite confusing, because a) there are a lot of flashbacks and flash-forwards, so it's all out of sequence, b) the lighting is crazy, and half the time there's a big-ass mangrove blocking our view, and c) trying to make sense of what's going on in light of the song's lyrics is damn near impossible. There's no "wishing well" in the video, nor would it make sense for any of the action to have taken place in the protagonist's uncle's cabin.

Anyway, here's the video's plot in order. Small-town cops pull up outside a stilt house in a Louisiana swamp (we know it's Louisiana because the policemen's badges are shaped like the state). The better looking of the two (sort of a working man's Rob Lowe, but from the lyrics we can assume this is Sheriff John Brady) busts into the house and attacks an attractive, bra-less woman. During their struggle, a man comes home and sees what's happening. He rushes in only to be shot by the cop, who then (off-screen, but we see it in shadow) kills the woman as well.



The protagonist (an Eddie Furlong-looking kid typical of the era) and his uncle (think Russell Crowe with a mullet, or a real-life version of 24 from the Venture Brothers) are rowing a rowboat around in the swamp that night, and they see the two cops dump the bodies of the man and the woman into the swamp. They freak out at what they're seeing, and we can infer dialogue from the lyrics ("'Oh my god, Tom, who are we gonna tell / the sheriff he belongs in a prison cell' / 'keep your mouth shut, that's what we're gonna do'").

Once the cops are done with the bodies, Eddie Furlong lookalike and Uncle Tom haul their boat out of the lake, and hurry to a seedy bar, where the Rob Lowe cop is drinking at the bar. They have this moment of mutual recognition, where the camera implies that they have telltale mud on their boots and pants, and that this must let the cop know they've seen him. But based on the general cleanliness of the other bar patrons, either this is not a telltale sign of anything or they were all in the swamp watching the bodies get dumped.

Tom walks up to the bar all casual, but then grabs a shotgun from under the bar and aims it at Rob Lowe. He doesn't see Rob Lowe's partner in the corner (oops, I mean Deputy Hedge), who draws faster, and repeatedly shoots Tom. However, before Tom dies, he gets off a whole bunch of shots that as far as I can tell must spray randomly into the bar. Still none of the other bar patrons seem to have any reaction to the three guns getting drawn, let alone all the shooting.

Eddie Furlong kid runs out of the bar, and here's where it gets even more confusing. The next thing you know, different, apparently non-dirty cops are there, as well as an ambulance, and they're dragging all the corpses out of the swamp. Eddie Furlong ID's the last body, which appears to be that of his uncle (though it's hard to tell because they're a little bit worse for the wear, it definitely doesn't look like the guy who tries to rescue the girl). And that's basically it.

So what the heck happens there at the end? What roused the townspeople to justice? If everyone was so down with the cops being crazy and killing people, why didn't someone just shoot Eddie Furlong? Where did these other cops come from? Did the bad cops dump the uncle in the swamp? The whole thing makes no sense.



As for the non-narrative portion of the video, it's more or less just Warrant playing in an empty room that looks like all those stereotypical "it's the South" buildings -- cane chairs, old ceiling fan, busted apart walls with shafts of light pouring through them. Jerry and Joey are all over this video going berserk with their guitars, but we only see Steven from the side and we barely see Erik at all.

It's mostly Jani Lane, and with good reason -- this video is really his magic hour. I mean, almost all guys have this window in their lives where they look really, really good -- they've gotten tall and muscle-y, but still have the metabolism to pull off eating whatever the hell they want and drinking like fish without getting a gut or a puffy face. Anyway, Jani's really in that window here. Admittedly, it also helps that he's wearing this hat that covers up his vaguely froggy eyes (his worst feature) thus accentuating his fantastic lips (his best feature). All the jazz hands with the random gloves kind of detract from it, but hell, I'll take it anyway.

All in all, though this song completely rocks, I have to question the wisdom of Warrant: Why the hell would they name their song "Uncle Tom's Cabin"? I mean, sure, people recognize it. But they recognize it in a like, hey that reminds me of racism and slavery way. Best case scenario, they associate it with the Civil War. I mean jeez, why not name a song "Anne Frank's Attic" while they're at it!?

Also, I have to admit to having misheard these lyrics basically forever as "nothin' was sleeping down in Uncle Tom's Cabin / no one but the bodies in the wishing well." Seriously! Forever I've sung "nothing was sleeping down in Uncle Tom's Cabin / I know a secret that I just can't tell." So who knows how much of the confusion here is my own, and how much can be pinned on Warrant.

Guns N Roses, "Estranged"

Too Big Not to Fail

THE VIDEO Guns N Roses, "Estranged," Use Your Illusion II, 1991, Geffen

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SAMPLE LYRIC "When you're talking to yourself / and nobody's home / you can't fool yourself / you came in this world aloh-one / alone" (Note this is nearly whispered over some tinkly piano. This song has no chorus, so if you don't recognize the intro, I probably can't help you.)

THE VERDICT If you thought the "Is Axl dead no wait is Stephanie Seymour dead" shenanigans of "Don't Cry" and "November Rain" were as over the top as Guns N Roses got, clearly you forgot the final video in that trilogy, the often-overlooked "Estranged." By way of comparison, those two video epics look downright understated next to this monstrosity.

Don't believe me? Okay then, ponder for just a moment what the budget for this video must have been like. I mean, look at what it includes, and tell me this doesn't read like a completely insane person's list of demands:

- Research expenses (looking up words in the dictionary)
- A giant mansion
- A SWAT team
- A rocking Tyrannosaurus Rex. This is like a rocking horse, only it's a dinosaur with handles and a saddle on it.
- Charles Manson tee
- A dozen or so all-white LAPD uniforms (for fantasy sequence; this is in addition to regular uniforms for reality sequence)
- A dozen or so racially diverse child actors to play around your mansion and look befuddled when they drag you off to the loony bin
- A white limo (fantasy sequence) and a black limo (to take you and your fake son to your concert)
- Custom dolphin hood ornament thing-y for the white limo
- Police and permits to facilitate stopping vehicle and pedestrian traffic for several blocks on the Sunset Strip
- Various equipment for Slash to stand on while he plays the guitar solos
- Oil tanker rental
- Helicopter plus Axl stunt double for shots with oil tanker
- Coast Guard helicopter and diver
- CGI dolphins
- Real dolphins
- Not 100% sure, but that one at the end looks like an animatronic dolphin



(Note that if you're really curious about this, and have at least $1.72 plus shipping and handling to burn and a VCR, you can actually purchase the "Making of 'Estranged'" which is apparently "Part 4 of the Trilogy" [shouldn't this tell you something?]. Amazon reviewers tell us parts of the video were filmed in a wave pool, as if this weren't abundantly clear already! To be honest, I'm very tempted, but I don't have anything that'll play VHS.)

It sort of reminds me of when I was in first or second grade, and every time it was someone's birthday, the teacher would have everyone draw pictures for that person of what they wished they could give them for their birthday. Being relatively young kids, and this being the 80s and thus six and seven-year-olds not being considered tweens, we were pretty nice about it -- everyone gave everyone more or less the same gifts, so it wasn't a popularity contest.

Anyway, the most popular gifts included rainbows, a money tree (this was not a check-cashing place but a tree that grew money), and exotic pets. Obviously, "Estranged" has got the last item checked off on the list, but honestly I wouldn't be surprised if they had had to tell Axl the rainbows and money tree were going to put them too far over budget.

I mean I remember around this same time I had a special issue of Life magazine that someone had given me because it was their music issue (I still have it, in horrible, tattered condition). It had an article about Guns N Roses in it -- the text is here, but what really made this article were the pictures, most of which showed GNR having one of their after-show parties at some arena catered as if it were a Roman feast, complete with togas and laurel wreaths, a roast pig carried on a tray, and some really ugly strippers. Compared to this video, that pictorial is downright quaint. (Though let me also mention, you know who else liked ridiculously lavish Roman-theme parties? Executives from Tyco. Though in GNR's case, they were one of the reasons Izzy left the band.)

Or let us remember back to their first video for "Sweet Child O' Mine." All that is is GNR playing the song on a set, with some b-roll of them with their actual girlfriends and a Rottweiler. They didn't need a Coast Guard helicopter or CGI dolphins to know how to rock!



Seriously, it took Guns N Roses barely four years to live out the entire life cycle of the major label rock band, a cycle that used to take bands nearly twenty years to complete! From the underbelly of the Sunset Strip to double albums and eight-minutes-plus songs, beating up supermodels, blowing off shows, and this song, which combined with "Don't Cry" and "November Rain" more or less constitutes a rock opera in my book. The second half (movement?) of this song (beginning with "when I find out all the reasons") is actually pretty good, but it's easy to forget what with how absurd this video is.

In case you've already forgotten (even with our handy list of expenses above), let me remind you of some of the things that happen in this nine minute, forty-one second opus:

- Axl evades an enormous SWAT team by sleeping on top of some kind of shelf above his closet.
- Guns N Roses fans storm an arena for a general admission seating concert. No one gets trampled and Axel doesn't cancel the show.
- During this concert, while the band is ostensibly playing "Estranged," a shot captures Axl's teleprompter displaying the lyrics to "Welcome to the Jungle."
- Taking a nap after the concert, Axl has an out-of-body experience in which he uhh... well, he curls up in the shower in a fetal position while fully clothed.
- Looong fantasy sequence with everyone wearing white, as per above. Between the erratic behavior, crazy mansion, and army of little kids who aren't his, Axl here is a bit reminiscent of Mr. Jefferson.
- Oh did I mention that last section is all shot with some kind of wiggly gel on the camera, while (present-tense) definitions of the (past-tense) word "estranged" show at the bottom of the screen?



And really, at this point, things are only getting started. We aren't even quite halfway through the song! It hits maximum ridiculousness -- well, for the first time anyway -- at five minutes, twenty-three seconds in, when the members of GNR walk up to a large cargo plane... and a humongous CGI dolphin swims out of it. Didn't anyone think to say to him, "Axl, this is kind of ... uh ... maybe not the best direction for the band?"

A bunch of hot women (and their kids) who had earlier been watching live footage of GNR now start watching dolphins on TV, and in an homage to the opening scenes of "Welcome to the Jungle," we see Axl leaning against a store's grate, with TV screens showing dolphins behind him. Yep, it's dolphins from here on out folks.

Axl walks along the sidewalk from the Roxy to the Rainbow Bar & Grill. Beside him, the street is full of water, which is full of giant dolphins swimming alongside him. Still more gigantic dolphins emerge from a billboard above the Rainbow, and then Slash emerges from its door. He appears to be riding on a people mover as he plays the first solo, since he sort of floats past everyone else on the sidewalk without having to walk himself.

Next thing we know, we're on a giant oil tanker (I know, this video just keeps going and going) that must be empty because it's riding really high in the water. We see Axl walking around on deck, and next thing we know, he's jumped off the dang ship. Not sure on this ID, but I think it's Gilby Clarke who inexplicably next appears and throws him a life preserver. Luckily by this time, Axl is thrashing around in what is obviously a tank of water on a set, so don't worry, he's safe. Still, that doesn't stop what appears to be a roadie in a rowboat from coming out to try to rescue him.



Throwing away the life preserver and ignoring his other potential saviors, Axl's drowning until suddenly he finds himself surrounded with what appear to be real dolphins. He grabs the fin on one of them and rides away. For some reason, this causes the water to turn red and the sky orange, and next thing you know a fully-clothed Slash has risen out of the ocean to play the second solo.

Keeping this video's ever-so-tenuous grip on reality vs. fantasy intact, we then see Axl again thrashing around in the ocean, but fear not -- here comes Matt Sorum in a Coast Guard helicopter. Okay really -- how did anyone come up for the ideas for what happens in this video?! Anyway, a diver jumps in and saves Axl, and pulls him up into the helicopter.

The video closes with one of Axl's customized kicks sinking beneath the surface of the water. It's no wonder that ship looked like it was riding high -- apparently the water Axl was just nearly drowning in was about six feet deep! It concludes with what we can only term a WTF moment: A wet Axl, bundled in a towel, sitting next to what we can only hope is an animatronic dolphin, wearing one of Axl's flannel shirts.

I mean really people -- where could GNR have gone from here? Practically every shot in this video involved a helicopter, a crane, underwater cameras, or CGI. I mean, I know metal is all about excess, but seriously, this is the video equivalent of that Enron guy's apartment that had the $6,000 shower curtain and the $15,000 umbrella stand. Sure, everyone needs a shower curtain -- just like any band needs a video -- but did it really have to be that shower curtain? Did it really need to be this video?

Megadeth, "Symphony of Destruction"

Choose or Lose

THE VIDEO Megadeth, "Symphony of Destruction," Countdown to Extinction, 1992, Capitol

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SAMPLE LYRIC "just like the pi-ee-ed pi-perrr / led rats through-ough-ough the streets / we dance like marion-ettttttes / swaying to the SYM-PHON-AY / of des-truc-tion"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION Police on motorcycles ride away from the camera, superimposed in front of flames, superimposed in front of a building that's been painted with the American flag and the words "for the people" (just in case you didn't get where they were going with the rest of it). We see that the police are actually part of a motorcade leading a sedan or limo before that shot fades out. A finger pulls the trigger on a gun, then we have a close-up of an older white guy's face in black and white. When he opens his eye, the iris is bright red. Yes, Dave Mustaine is many things, but subtle is not one of them.

As the song kicks in, we see flames, and Dave's face sort of appears in them, but we quickly cut to a bunch of white good ol' boys (wait, actually there's one black dude there too, on the right) smoking cigars, drinking, laughing, and clapping each other on the shoulders in a restaurant (maybe a country club restaurant -- lots of trees are visible through the window). Feet in boots (attached to legs in jeans) march toward the camera, which is behind bars of some sort. We finally see part of Dave's face, then the camera pans past the good ol' boys to a shot of protesters outdoors by palm trees holding signs that say things like "peace now" being taken down by cops on horses and with night sticks.

We see a quick shot of lots of people approaching a barred gate carrying signs that imply that they're striking workers (guess that's what the legs shot was before), then Marty Friedman, then a close-in shot of the people (all Mexican dudes so far as I can tell) yelling and trying to bust through the gate.

We see some quick shots of stylized slo-mo headbanging, a graffitied wall (a picture of an older white dude that has tags all over it), more protesters being squashed, and the dudes at that restaurant table just having a laugh riot. As the chorus begins, Megadeth are momentarily visible, then the camera pans down past a '92 campaign sign attached to a telephone pole to a crowd of people waiting on a sidewalk to greet a limo that's pulling up. We then quickly see everyone -- Dave Mustaine, Dave Ellefson, Marty, and drummer Nick Menza -- before it's just all flames again.

A white haired dude and a lady in a Chanel-style suit emerge from the limo, and dorky looking white people applaud overly effusively. The politican dude makes a variety of gestures while the building with the American flag painting on it burns in the background, then the camera is above he and his wife as they shake hands with people and have their picture taken. We see many images of both Daves, then a particularly unflattering shot of the politician that's taken from beneath, so that his hearty guffaw looks a bit more sinister.



As Dave M. says "before the head explodes" a pistol fires straight at the camera, and we get more images of the band rocking out (I'm trying to think of a way to explain the way these images look, and I couldn?t figure it out until now -- "Enter Sandman." It is done exactly the same way as the shots of Metallica in "Enter Sandman." Now you get it.)

We briefly see another shot from beneath, which is sort of swirling and disorienting, then flames, then we see the politician dude lying down looking surprised while lots of people touch his face (remember the gunshot from a minute ago? Exactly). The millionth shot of Dave Mustaine sneering from a weird angle is followed by a shot of a homeless looking black man pushing a shopping cart past a store with signs that say "bankrupt" and "going out of business" in its windows, and also "for the people" campaign flyers for the politician. We then see the homeless man reflected in the shiny side of the limo, its window going up (with the politician inside it, waving mindlessly) as it reaches the man. We then see another older black man sitting as a child walks by holding an American flag.

For the guitar solo, we get Megadeth going nuts (naturally) but also the peace protesters from before really screaming too. Marty gets his hands shown a lot, if not his face, then we see a guy leaping over a heavily graffitied bench advertising the politician. Guys in construction hats turn hoses on the strikers behind the gate, and a cop on horseback jumps something as the peace protest devolves into a semi-riot, with a lot of shots of the trashed bench interspersed.

Following some shots of the strikers screaming while being drenched with water, one of the cops on horseback jumps his horse sort of through the bench, destroying it. Dave E. and Marty headbang in unison, and the limo slides by the camera again, this time reflecting bright orange flames on its side as the window goes down revealing the smiling and waving politician.

After lots of flames, we see the gun shooting at the camera again, and a clearer version of that earlier shot (the camera in front of some kind of municipal building tipping up then falling back, basically the pol's p.o.v as he reacts to being shot), then more soaked strikers. The shots zoom back and forth between the utterly wild protesters, the strikers, fire, and Dave M. making faces.

We then see the guys at the table again, and the people clapping, but then suddenly, within the crowd, we see the shooter. It is a black priest (huh?) raising the pistol toward the camera. Wait, then it's a fat older white guy doing it. And then an army guy. Ohhh-kay. It's the other three good ol' boys from the restaurant before, now all assassinating the one guy. Hm.

These are interspersed with images of the American flag painting burning and of course, Megadeth rocking out. Then the politician is grinning and kissing a disinterested baby in front of the burning building. The video ends with a much clearer version of the first image -- just a normal shot of police on motorcycles escorting the limo past the burning building as we hear JFK intoning, "Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country."



THE VERDICT As previously mentioned, neither subtlety nor restraint are included in Megadeth's repetoire. That said, I must say that I watch this video and just think, "man, those were the good old days." I mean, if Dave thought the country was going to shit then... well, none of us knew what was coming. Bush I was, in retrospect, a cakewalk -- and we even got great songs out of it, from Ministry's "N.W.O." to the Geto Boys' "Damn It Feels Good to Be a Gangster." Sigh... 1992? Headbanger's Ball (the real one!) was still on, a democrat was in the White House, flannel had not yet completely overtaken spandex... those were the days.

But I digress. What the hell happens in this video? We've got two worlds at work which never quite meet: The world of the people (the strikers, the rioters, etc.) and the world of the politicians (the country club, the limo, the handshaking and adulation). Even when the pols are close to the people -- driving by the homeless, symbolically burning buildings, and so on -- they remain oblivious, the car window providing a shield. All of it seems pretty obvious till we reach the denouement: What to make of the politician's assassination by any one of his comrades? Are we not to worry, for those in power will continuously undermine each other? Or is hope for change worthless, because another crappy leader will always rise to usurp the power of the last one? (Like in Heathers. Or uh, 1984.) After all, when the video ends, the building may be mostly burned down but the motorcade is still rolling.

One would think the lyrics might provide a clue, but one would be wrong. The song begins with the whole "you take a mortal man / and put him in control" thing, again sort of a 1984-style analysis, so you think to yourself, "Ok, I guess humans make for crap leaders." But then in the next verse you've got "acting like a robot / it?s metal brain corrodes." Apparently, robots (or computers) are not fit to lead either. With the final verse, however, you've got "a peaceful man stands tall." So maybe it's just all about being anti-war. Or maybe it's not about being a human or a robot or whatever, but about being the right kind of human. Oh oh, I've got it -- maybe it's about getting a democrat into the white house! Maybe I should listen to this song more....

Just when I thought it was safe to interpret this video: Alternate version alert! The original edit of this video features (toward the middle, when the pol is first shot) footage of an actual, random gunman firing multiple bullets at the politician. The gunman is seen from straight on and then from overhead, followed by much more graphic reaction shots of the politician (there's no blood, but his agony is much more obvious). In the version shown on MTV etc., this sequence is mostly replaced by the more suggestive point of view shots and footage of a handgun being fired straight at the camera. Anyway, with the addition of that, it's a much more straightforward assassination, and the other dudes with guns at the end are, I suppose, meant to be taken as completely symbolic -- sort of like, none of these people are actually allied with each other.

I also tracked down yet another version that keeps almost none of this footage -- the strikers still appear, and the gun firing, and the band footage is the same, but that's it. The rest of the video is footage of a conductor and orchestra interspersed with film of stuff blowing up -- a totally literal "Symphony of Destruction."

Whitesnake, "In the Still of the Night"

Somebody Call the Sex Police

THE VIDEO Whitesnake, "In the Still of the Night," Whitesnake, 1987, Geffen Records

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SAMPLE LYRIC "In the still of the night, I hear the wolf howl honey / sniffin' around your daw-awr / in the still of the night, I feel my heart beatin' heavy / tellin' me I gotta have moe-oh-awwwwwwwr"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION In the still of the night, lead singer David Coverdale's then-wife Tawny Kitaen (who went on to divorce him and become co-host of America's Funniest People with another David, Coulier –- and yes sorry about this link, but it was one of the few I could find that at least had a picture), sits at a table and wipes herself down while a fan blows her awe-inspiring mane (even in a decade of big hair, this woman had big hair). Anyway. Meantime, hubbie Dave and the boys are tearing it up on a soundstage liberally decorated with the Whitesnake logo, which I swear to god Marc Jacobs would never admit to referencing but from which the designer borrows liberally –- two seasons ago he did a canvas bag that featured what was essentially the Whitesnake logo done with his own name.

Coverdale's mimicry of Robert Plant soon drives Kitaen from her apartment and into her amazing, very 80s stairwell (she appears to live in the same house that the Mary Jane Girls did in 'In My House'), where it disorients her, causing her to back into a wall and hike up her skirt before running down the stairs. Let the record show that in the still of the night she wears a bustier, a sort of layered, asymmetrical skirt, leather gloves, heels, and large sunglasses, which she tears off when she reaches the bottom of the stairs, facing the camera with that classic Tawny stare.

She enters her garage, which contains (whoa!) one of the Jaguars from the 'Here I Go Again' video. She shakes her ass at the car, perhaps giving it a taste of what's to come (again, viz 'Here I Go Again'), but then –- look! –- who's that standing in front of the other Jaguar from 'HIGA'? It's David Coverdale, of course. We don’t see a reaction from Kitaen, though we do see a random shot of her back at the table, misting her face with water. Coverdale finally pulls it together, saying "Over here, babe," since Tawny's still apparently intent on seducing the car, not the guy (this whole time she's sort of shaking her ass at the car and watching her shadow on the door at the same time). Parallel shots of Kitaen doing a Pat Benatar/Michael Jackson-style dance (it's about halfway between 'Love is a Battlefield' and 'Thriller') and Coverdale doing approximately the same thing to a microphone in front of a large, moon-like circle follow, leading Coverdale to finally pull his car around and Tawny to move toward it.

Smoke or steam of some sort pours across this moon as the entire band rocks out on a series of raised platforms while Coverdale utters a series of groans and shrieks in front of his moon. He eventually becomes a large silhouette in front of the picture of the band, sans moon. We flash back to Tawny at the table, smoking and putting on elbow-length gloves (the perfect thing to cool you off when you're as hot as she apparently is). Gloves on, she continues misting herself while we almost see the other band members: Though they seem ready for their close-ups, they're so backlit it's impossible to tell who's who.

As a violin (yes, a violin) kicks in, Tawny finally makes it out of the building, the camera stalking her from behind a fence of some sort as she struts down the sidewalk. She stops and stares at the camera, which pans up and down her body as smoke or steam or something clouds around her. At length, she appears to become self-conscious (!), and strides away briskly sort of holding herself with her arms. Meanwhile, we cut back to the band and yes, of course, the guitarist is sawing away with a violin bow (and an electric guitar). That's hot.

Tawny runs back up the stairs, and when we enter the apartment she's already comfortably face down on a love seat, blindfolded with her ass in the air. As the camera comes to meet her, Coverdale screams and Kitaen does too, looking really, really not hot. Everyone in Whitesnake goes wild at this turn of events, swinging guitars, pinwheeling with their arms, and finally showing the abandon they haven't really shown yet in this video (I mean come on, they haven't even let the Adrian Vandenberg make that ridiculous pouty face directly at the camera while dropping to his knees once!).

Why is she screaming? Well, she left the door open, and David Coverdale's totally stumbling around her entryway (possibly this was a scene torn from the real pages of their lives? I don’t know). Anyway, as the song appears to start over, Coverdale turns out to be sort of dancing (seductively?) while Kitaen vamps on the couch. As the song nears its frantic zenith ("Still of the night! Still of the night! Still of the night!"), we revisit some of our favorite shots from earlier in the video; Coverdale with the Jaguar, Kitaen with the spray bottle, etc., while everyone in the band flings their hair about for all it's worth. It is so intense that the chains holding some of the lights above Whitesnake's set break, but the band doesn't care.

Kitaen at long last gets her ass up and heads over to Coverdale for one of their trademark open-mouthed kisses (like a real snake, Coverdale seems to unhinge his jaw in an attempt to swallow her face). A happy ending? No! Someone has alerted the authorities, and Coverdale is being dragged away through the now Jaguar-less garage only to be thrown in the back of the van. Who are these buzzkillers? Apparently, they're the "sex police." Go figure.

THE VERDICT Seriously, if Led Zeppelin had still been together and making new music in 1987, this is exactly what it would have sounded like. Between the killer riff, the vocal squeaks and squawks, and all of the start/stop transitions, it sounds exactly like Led Zeppelin. (Until you hit the synthesizer violin part, then you realize, ah, it's 1987, and this is not Led Zeppelin.) You can definitely argue that it's easier to like bands (like Zep) that did not stay together and continue making music through the 80s because unlike with say, the Rolling Stones, you don't have to remember the sinking feeling you felt as you saw your counterculture idols donning cuffed blazers and skinny ties.

But anyway, that aside, this song kicks so much ass, even if it is sort of watered down 80s Led Zeppelin. I never get tired of it, just like people in the 80s apparently never got tired of Tawny Kitaen. Even if the video makes no damn sense (which really it doesn't —- but neither does any Whitesnake video), it continues to drive home some important points for Whitesnake fans. One, lead singer Coverdale at least at the time was totally hitting it with Tawny Kitaen. Two, he and Kitaen both drive (or at least lay on) expensive cars). And three, at least in this video, whatever they're up to is pretty damn kinky. After all, you don't see Jani Lane getting locked up by the sex police!

P.S.: Since I'm retitling this 2004 post from the magical future of 2010, this title is actually a very 2010 reference.