Cinderella, "Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone)"

Break Out the Lighters!  

THE VIDEO Cinderella, "Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone)", Long Cold Winter, 1988, Mercury 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Don't know whatchu got / 'til it's gawwww-aaawwwwwwwn / don't know what it ii-is / I did so wraw-awww-awwwwwwwng / never know what I got / it's just this sawww-awwwwwng" 

THE VERDICT What better song with which to end power ballads month than with the best song about things ending ever? It's the very last day of March, so that means power ballads month is coming to a close. Bust out those lighters (no cell phones, people, this is an 80s-centric site!), find a make-out partner, and let's finish it out with a bang. 

There's a reason why "Don't Know What You Got" is in approximately nine-million montages — usually of jubilant metal mayhem, like hair band members spraying each other with beer backstage or being jumped on by women in bikinis. It's poignant, it's heartbreaking, it's absolutely pitch-perfect. Like Roy says in the episode of The Office when they think the Scranton branch is closing: "You know that Cinderella song, 'You Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone)'? That pretty much says it better than how I know how to say it... in words." 

It's so true! This song is absolutely gorgeous. I can point to about a million parts of it — well okay, it's not that long a song. I can point to several parts of it that are just incredible. 

Everything about the lyrics, pretty much — "I can't make you feel, what you felt so long ago," I mean who hasn't felt that with someone at some time, wishing you could recapture something ephemeral. And the pre-chorus, with the building guitar and the ultra-growly Tom Keifer vocal ("if we take some time, to think it over bay-bay") is amazing too.

 

And then the chorus itself! I know I often complain about the choruses in metal ballads — there's a fine line between perfect and maudlin here, and Cinderella manage to brilliantly toe that line. 

Unlike say "Every Rose Has It's Thorn," which nearly lapses into self-parody with its chorus, or (as I've also mentioned before) Bon Jovi's endless histrionics in "I'll Be There For You," "Don't Know What You've Got" gets everything right. Sigh! This song is a tear-jerker for like a million reasons. 

I feel like it's also sort of the last gasp of the really glam Cinderella we all came to know and love with Night Songs. "Don't Know What You Got" is the only one of the four videos from Long Cold Winter that really shows us glam Cinderella ("The Last Mile" comes in second place). Let's face it — at this point, even though it's only 1988 (!), the guys have toned down the amount of hair product, they've mainly abandoned the colorful coats and cutaway pants, and I mean lace? Good luck finding much lace in Long Cold Winter videos. 

But in the "Don't Know What You Got" video, we still get a glimpse of glam. Every member of the band is isolated from one another in an open, outdoor space, which makes me feel a little nervous —why aren't they together? But it does make for a fairly magisterial visual. The camera zooms past them, flies over them, spins around them – it kind of goes with the soaring vocals and guitars in this song.

Tom Keifer is playing a freaking grand piano outdoors, for one. But two, he's wearing a long black and red coat, with a matching headband, and tons of silver jewelry. When he's playing piano, you can see he has a giant ring on like every finger. The black patches on his coat appear to be sequined, which is a great choice. It's very Steven Tyler circa Permanent Vacation. It's a little hard to tell, but he might also be wearing not just leather pants, but chaps (they guys are often backlit in this video, so it's hard to identify some of this stuff).

 

The other guys aren't working quite as hard to keep the glam flag flying. Jeff LaBar is playing a guitar with Marilyn Monroe's face on it. He's wearing a long black duster coat, a white shirt, and maybe yellowish or cream-colored pants, with a black belt and black cowboy boots. 

Fred Coury is the hardest to see, since he's seated behind the drums, and we often kind of spin past him. He's wearing black, that's for sure. 

Eric Brittingham has on an open white shirt that's knotted at the waist, and a coat that's a similar cut to Tom's, but in black. He's also wearing what appears to be a giant shark-tooth necklace. Eric comes in second-glammiest, but it's mainly on the strength of his hair. 

It should be noted though that Tom also has a less glam outfit. For the later sequences in the video when he's playing the guitar by what looks like an abandoned house, he switches to a Richie Sambora hat (one of those cowboy hats that's flat on top — I don't know the real name, but Richie Sambora always wears them), and a long, black, Western-style coat with some fringe. No, Tom! Keep glam alive! 

Likely due to a mental bias from "Gypsy Road" taking place in Mexico, I've long thought this video to be in Mexico as well. The overhead shots where you're flying over the band and can see the pools of water remind me of being way south in Baja California. On the way to San Ignacio, there are all these crazy salt lakes, where the water has turned all these different colors because of the minerals. They're really neat to see — it's just miles and miles of road with nothing but barren land and these colorful salt lakes. I know here probably a lot of the water's colors are coming from, you know, the sunset being reflected in the water, but still. 

Turns out however this video was shot much closer to home — they're at California's Mono Lake, which is almost due east from San Francisco (a little north of there) — close-ish to the border with Nevada, not crazy far from Tahoe but not super-close to it either. Probably closest to Yosemite. I've never been there, but clearly now that I know this Cinderella video was filmed there, I need to go.

 

I was right about one thing in my intuitions about its appearance from overhead in this video — Mono Lake is a salt lake. It also, as you can see from the video, has all kinds of amazing geological stuff happening. Apparently there are volcanic hills around it, and the crazy-looking columns of rock you can see sprouting out of the middle of the lake are made out of something called tufa, which is a type of limestone made by the salt deposits. In addition to being featured in this video, you can also see them in some of the album art from Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here (no, not the pic of the man on fire). 

I'm not sure if the bits with Tom at the abandoned house-slash-ghost town are also there, but one can assume it's nearby. Boom! And I found it. My best guess for where Tom is during the guitar solo is Bodie, California, which is a ghost town close to Mono Lake. 

I can't find anything where I'm 110% certain, but the general look and geography of it appear correct — a bunch of old-looking wooden homes arrayed about a mountain ridge. No one else has made this claim about this video before, but I'm going to go with it. Ooh, I love feeling that I've discovered something. 

And I love the end of this video, with all the members of Cinderella finally in the same place, standing in a row silhouetted against the lake, which is reflecting the vivid colors of the sunset. Even though I always feel bad for Fred Coury when he has to just clap or slap his thighs 'cause there aren't drums there, this still looks good. 

Call me cheesy, but seeing things silhouetted in black against a vivid sunset — or really anything — just gets me. I don't mean like iPod ads. I mean like when I'm driving in the evening, even though I've lived in California for years now, if I see palm trees silhouetted black against the sky, it still gives me a little thrill. Similarly, you can't hear this song and not get a chill, 'cause it's so darn good, and it just hits home. 

(I know probably everyone doesn't feel this way, but if you're reading this website, I feel it's safe to assume you do too! Or at least hopefully my one reader who I know loves Cinderella does.)

David Lee Roth, "Just Like Paradise"

Paradise Lost  

THE VIDEO David Lee Roth, "Just Like Paradise", Skyscraper, 1988, Warner Bros. 

SAMPLE LYRIC "This must be just like livin' in paradise / just like para-di-ise! / and I don't wanna go ho-ooommme" 

THE VERDICT I know, I know — this video is coming close to the nadir of Roth-dom. But I've had this song in my head a lot lately. Why? Hmm, let's think. It's the middle of winter. Most of the country is covered in snow, with more snow being dumped on it all the time. And here I am, jogging outside in shorts, 'cause it's 76 degrees and sunny. No humidity, palm trees, warm breeze. Yes, this is just like living in paradise. And I actually do live here! 

The downside of this, of course, is that this song is pretty rough. I think that if this were Van Halen, they could've possibly pulled it off, but solo Diamond Dave not so much. Skyscraper is probably Roth's most straightforward, non-campy solo work, and it makes you realize that if Eddie Van Halen's not there, he probably needs to stick to the "ze-bop!" 

The video features a lot of footage of Dave rock climbing, which according to his autobiography is a big hobby of his. Actually, he seems to be pretty into extreme sports and travel in general — like half the photos in Crazy from the Heat (the book, not the album) are of him in places like Papua New Guinea doing outdoorsy stuff. 

The ads for this album also were all about the rock climbing. I have the April 1988 issue of Hit Parader (which features an amazing Dokken cover, btw) and the back cover is an ad for Skyscraper with the tag line "EXTREME ROCK" over a photo of Dave rock climbing that's clearly from when this video was shot. 

If only he had stayed super-successful a couple of years longer, Dave could've totally guested on MTV Sports. 'Memba that one? Come on, you know you thought Dan Cortese was cool at the time. 

Actually, no. Dan Cortese was never cool. He's got the Diamond Dave all-crazy-all-the-time personality, but none of the charm. Though I do give the guy credit for basically spoofing himself in the Seinfeld episode where Elaine dates him just for his looks, and he takes George and Kramer rock climbing. See?! Rock climbing!

 

In retrospect, I'm surprised Dave was never in any of MTV's "Rock N Jock" specials (I mean, Sammy Hagar was). Apparently MTV2 has a more recent series called Rock N Jock, but it's not the same thing as the old "Rock N Jock B-Ball Jam", trust. (Okay if you click that last link, I'm not sure which is the more amazing part — watching all those awkward white women sing along, or the four times that Marky Mark Mark Wahlberg pulls his pants all the way down and raps in his tightie-whities.) 

Or I mean look at the 1991 Rock N Jock softball game — Bret Michaels, Kip Winger, and Steven Adler all play in the game, and Steve Vai plays the national anthem! Wow, this is the most fun I've had with Youtube in a while. I know I'm preaching to the choir on this one, but dang I miss old MTV. 

Anyway. Besides Dave's penchant for extreme sports, what else gets indulged in this video? Uhh basically all of it. It's just Dave and friends playing on a stage with tons of colored lights. Dave changes outfits a bunch, but he's mostly wearing what I would describe as a sort of Tyrolean-inspired vest and chaps ensemble. 

Steve Vai is there, and he's definitely bringing the cheese. One thing I notice is I make fun of Steve Vai pretty regularly on here, but he's the one person who fits in that category whom I've never gotten a single email defending. Maybe everyone else finds his constant guitar-humping as unappealing as I do. Steve takes this to a new level in this video with his heart-shaped, three-necked guitar. 

For real, guys. I remember seeing this video as an eight-year-old and thinking that that was stupid. And that was when I was eight. Which was in the 80s. I mean if there was one time in history when someone such as a naive little child could have been persuaded Steve Vai's heart-shaped guitar was cool, that was it. Then again, considering I was watching David Lee Roth videos, I wasn't that naive I guess.

 

This video also features (just barely) a random bassist and a keyboardist, but Dave and Steve really run the show here. Gregg Bissonette is occasionally visible, wearing what appears to be a neon wetsuit, in keeping with the extreme sports theme. At one point he climbs on top of the drum kit, sort of the drummer equivalent of all the Steve Vai guitar antics. 

Every time you think this video is just them prancing around the stage and making faces at the camera, something completely ridiculous happens. Dave does some slow-mo jumps in silky pants. Everything goes into super-saturated colors, or skips frames, so the motion looks jerky and weird. So much crotch thrusting you can't believe it. 

And then next thing you know, the drum kit has lifted off the stage into the air. Dave is in an effing boxing ring flying over where the crowd would be, if one were there. He punches at the camera with his glittering, rhinestone-covered boxing gloves. OMG, now Dave's got a samurai sword. 

Seriously, it's like every idea they had, no matter how cheesy, got the green light for this one. They're synchronized dancing in dry ice fog. And this isn't half-assed "Hot for Teacher" dancing. You can tell Steve Vai is 100% down with the dancing. 

Just when you think it can't get any cheesier, Dave rides a flying surfboard off the stage. According to a photo caption in his autobio, the flying surfboard can be explained thusly: "It starts with tiny multi-colored chaser lights around your rear license plate. But eventually you graduate to this sort of thing." He actually brought the flying surfboard on tour with him. 

Once Dave has the headband on, you know it's all downhill from there. He can re-join Van Halen, or not re-join, but it's never going to be the same again. Something about that headband signifies that a bridge has been crossed. 

Maybe it's that he's admitting he's aging, and his hairline isn't what it used to be? Maybe it's that it seems to lead to more over-the-top costumery? I'm not sure. All I can say is that once the headband comes out, there's trouble in paradise.

Europe, "Cherokee"

How the West Was... What?! THE VIDEO Europe, "Cherokee," The Final Countdown, 1986, Epic Click here to watch this video NOW! SAMPLE LYRIC "Chero-keeeeeeee! / OH! / Riding on the trail of tears! / Cher-o-keeee-eeeee / OH! / Riding on the tra-aiill of teeeears!" THE VERDICT This Thanksgiving, let us be thankful for many things. Our friends, our families, and our health, sure. But also, let us be thankful for the internet, and things like YouTube and Vh1 Classic, that let us relive those metal memories that so few of us thought to commit to VHS (or Betamax!) at the time. I remember fantasizing that such a thing might exist when I was younger, and dismissing these hypotheticals as improbable in my lifetime, if not impossible. And yet here I am, having come a long way since my first foray onto the Internet circa 1994-1995 (I went to Yahoo! and searched "music." The top hit at the time was Addicted to Noise). I mean shoot, a mere ten years after that, I had this blog. And every year that I've maintained this blog (let us think not on the dark times of 2007-2008), it gets more and more do-able. You don't even want to know what I had to do to get my hands on digital versions of music videos in 2004. Suffice to say it wasn't easy, and I didn't exactly have my choice of what I could cover. And now, here we are, Thanksgiving 2009, and I have my choice of turkey day-related fare. Now admittedly, we have to take "related" with a grain of salt here, as there aren't exactly metal songs about pilgrims or puritans (unless maybe you count songs about witch burnings, though I've always interpreted "Am I Evil?" as taking place in medieval Europe rather than colonial New England). However, we have a veritable cornucopia of songs about native Americans, or, as every single one of these songs refers to them, Indians. Taking a liberal interpretation, I've opted to go with Europe's "Cherokee" this Thanksgiving. I know, I know -- this is a song about events that happened nearly 200 years after the first Thanksgiving. But just listen to the drums or Joey Tempest's hearty "ohhhh-ohhhhhh-ooooohoooohhhhhh-ohhh-ohhh!" at the beginning of this song and try to tell me you don't enjoy it. The closest to not enjoying this I'll allow is "guilty pleasure." I mean yes, there are many reasons to hate Europe (the band, not the continent!). Like Krokus before them, the purely pragmatic (and certainly not artistic!) switch from prog rock to metal. Joey Tempest's total lack of grace about said switch and avowed love of money. Admittedly, this makes it hilarious to read old reader letters in Circus or Hit Parader following any interview with him -- his complete and utter lack of artifice, his inability to articulate being in it for anything but the money really brings out the haters. Plus it's always funny to read who readers think is not in it for the money. And of course, lest we forget, the perms, wide-neck shirts, necklaces, and constant goofy faces. And the keytar! Keytar!! Europe aren't afraid to put their keyboard player in their videos (unlike, say, Cinderella), but they go one step further than Bon Jovi and give him a KEYTAR. And in this video, they prominently display that keytar all over an impressive-looking American western landscape, as this video bizarrely recreates (like the song) the removal in the 1830s of five native American tribes (including the Cherokee, who I think became most strongly associated with this by the fact that almost a third of them died) from the southeast to... Oklahoma. Yes, the dust bowl. Not the epic, southwestern landscape depicted here. Look, they're Swedish, we can't expect them to get everything right. I mean, think of their countrymen (and women) in ABBA -- "Fernando" isn't exactly a documentary about the Mexican-American War either. Wait, why are all these Swedish bands writing songs about American history? This video begins with the afore-mentioned drums and screaming. We see a man and woman straight out of a Stetson ad setting up camp next to their SUV (a Jeep Cherokee?). The members of Europe rock out on the hills above them, getting close-ups mainly of Joey's over-emoting and fist pumping. Everyone except Joey pretty much gets backlit throughout this entire video, so it's hard to tell anyone else apart what with the identical perms. Joey's favorite move involves planting his feet, knees bent, and then wiggling his hips while leaning back and shaking his fists. We then see footsteps mysteriously appearing in the ground, and the man has apparently left the camp site to sit by himself in the desert reading a Time-Life book about native Americans. The woman looks around like she sees something, and then suddenly we do -- ghost indians!! On ghost horses, no less. This reminds me of one of the scariest things I've ever read -- the short story "Ghost Dance" by Sherman Alexie. (It's in this quite good compilation if you want to read it.) It's unclear why the ghosts on horses are semi-opaque, but whoever's making the footprints is invisible, but just go with it. As the sun sets, the woman for whatever reason decides it's a good time to check how she looks in a hand mirror she's conveniently placed near their camp fire. What is this!? War paint has suddenly appeared on her cheeks! (That or she didn't pick up the mirror till after she'd finished her makeup. That or she's a big Nikki Sixx fan.) She spins around, and suddenly the ghosts on horses have gotten a lot less opaque. We also see a semi-gratuitous shot of a scorpion (the insect, not the German band). Oh snap! The non-opaque types on horses appear to be -- umm -- from far away they look like conquistadors, but closer up we see they're US soldiers. They're coming closer, causing the guy to drop his book and run away. This leads up to the main action, which is punctuated by all the members of Europe raising their fists for a big "OH!" If you thought you couldn't get a good look at the other members of the band before, now they're playing in the dark next to the camp fire. And you can just guess who gets to stand close enough to the fire to actually be visible. The woman is standing in the campsite all nervous and in the dark, and somehow, in twilight, the soldiers and indians converge and do battle at their campsite. A tipi has appeared amidst all this, and big moments in the guitar and keytar solos keep causing explosions to happen. The man's back, and he and the woman hide behind the Jeep to watch all this. Also let me mention that even though when they show all of Europe it's night, both the guitarist and the keytarist keep getting to play right in front of the battle where it's dusk. Also seriously, where are all these explosions coming from? Their increasing intensity seems to cause all the members of Europe to coordinate their pelvic thrusting and slow head-banging. The combat goes on for an incredibly long time, but eventually, we see that it's morning again and all the ghosts are gone. The tipi has somehow had only it's cloth bits burned off, and the man and woman apparently spent the entire night awake and crouching beside the Jeep. They stand up and peer over it, only to see... Europe, silhouetted on a hillside. Even without the ghosts, this video's ridiculous, and has nothing to do with the Cherokees. It takes place in the southwest, which has nothing to do with the Trail of Tears, and the native Americans they show appear to be Plains indians. However, it must be said that I am guilty of the same, as I am using this crazy, inaccurate version of American history for my own crazy, inaccurate celebration of Thanksgiving. Does this mean I am thankful for the US government's legacy of horrific policies toward native Americans? No. Does this mean I am thankful for Europe (again, band not continent)? Yes. Let's face it. Much like ABBA before them and Ace of Base after, these Swedes make completely bizarre songs (e.g. "All That She Wants" -- if that's all she wants, why not a sperm bank?) that are, nonetheless, relentlessly catchy. Keytar or no, I can listen to every song on this album again and again. And I can really belt along with the lyrics too, which is definitely enjoyable in certain contexts (the shower, long drives). You want to hate it, but something about it just eats its way into your brain, and once there, propagates like something out of the Twilight Zone (or technically The Night Gallery). And next thing you know, you're listening to Out of this World. Even the haters at allmusic like them -- "You could live without The Final Countdown, but why?" -- proving Europe to be, if you'll pardon a truly grotesque simile, the smallpox-laden blankets of heavy metal. The second you accept them, it's already too late.

W.A.S.P., "Wild Child"

Hell Yeah Blackie Lawless

THE VIDEO W.A.S.P. "Wild Child," The Last Command, 1985, Capitol

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "I'm a wild child / come an' lovvve me / I want you-ouuuuuuu / my heart's in exxxile / I need you to touch me / 'cause I want what you do / I want you"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION This video opens with a shot of the sun over umm, well, I don't know where but since I know "Blind in Texas" was filmed in Arizona we're going to guess that they were economizing and this was too. So yes, Arizona. The shot fades into Blackie Lawless, he of the most badass pseudonym ever, who is riding his chopper down some desolate road. I'd call it a highway but who am I kidding, it's two lanes wide. Anyway. He's very far away, but I still know it's him.

We cut to a quite voluptuous lady (think Delta Burke in the first season Designing Women -- then never think of the fact that I just used that as an example ever, ever again) standing on top of what for lack of better knowledge of desert geography I will call some Wile E. Coyote-lookin' rocks. She's wearing a red, filmy, carwash-strip jumpsuit (I'd call it a belted dress but it looks like it has legs) and holding some kind of tall staff with erm, feathers attached to it. Legs firmly planted and hand on hip, her expression says, "Come 'n' get me, Blackie. Good luck tying me to your stage set."

We then see him close up, sunglasses on, sans makeup and sawblades (and missing the gray highlights, come to think -- were those things clip on? Oh.my.god. Okay, must resist digression on fake hair. But let's just say I'm obsessed). Then we cut back to the lady again. But oh! She fades away into the rocks. Then we see Blackie from the side, and he drives off the screen as the song finally starts.

Now I only noticed this once I'd slowed it down to the frame-by-frame level, but in that first shot you can see his motorcycle parked next to their little uh, stage. In this video, the whole point is that W.A.S.P. are standing up on some serious Wile E. Coyote rocks -- I had always assumed they were quite far off the ground -- but this one shot shows that they are, in reality, at most ten feet off the ground. Actually, I just looked again. Make that five.

So yes, just to quickly describe the set -- W.A.S.P. are playing on top of a little mesa, or butte, or something, that's in front of a much larger wall of desert stone. One could say their only decoration is their metal "WASP" sign behind drummer Steve Riley, but then one would be ignoring the amount of costumery they're wearing, which is (as per always) near KISS levels.



We first get a good look at Mr. Lawless, who since parking his chopper has changed into quite the ensemble, plus added the aforementioned highlights and his spooky makeup (lotsa eyeliner, red lipstick). His bass looks sorta like an axe, black with a beveled silver edge. Next we go to guitarist Randy Piper -- no, not Rowdy Roddy Piper, this is Randy Piper. His guitar is also sort of x-shaped, and has a sort of 3D scary horned skull face (like Mr. Scary, only just a face). While his outfit is nowhere near as badass as the chainlink garter belts he sports in "I Wanna Be Somebody," Randy gets many extra points for the hand-to-hair pout for the camera. Paul Stanley would be proud.

Then we get a lot more Blackie, making dramatic gestures (rubbing face, "jazz hands") and running around a little in a camera-swinging-around shot that makes it look like the rocks they're on are really high up (they do a lot of filming them from below which also makes them look like they're on a ledge -- if they had just cut that one shot where you can see the damn motorcycle, the illusion would be complete). Next, however, comes another one of my all-time favorite moments in heavy metal videos (two in a row, following close on the heels of my last entry!). This would be when Blackie, Randy, and Chris Holmes all run to the front and a bunch of flashpots explode just as chorus begins. This is so badass!

Of course, Blackie starts really doing his dance, which is a sort of variation on the Axl dance -- instead of moving your hips, however, the Blackie dance involves moving your legs in a frantic jig. It's also the first time where you can really see what Blackie's got on down below -- moccasin-style fringed boots and tights (yes, tights -- they're sheer) with black, red, and tan long feathers down the sides (he's also got some in his hair). Whoa. Top that off with a black top that's been slit open in about a gajillion places (and ornamented at the cuffs with his famous circular saw blades) and you're all set. During the first big "I want youuu-ooooh" Randy points at the camera and touches his hair again (so very Paul Stanley, again), also proving that when you have two guitarists (or when you're just shakin' it for the camera), you're a lot more free to take your hands off your instrument.

Next we see guitarist Chris Holmes, who in this video (and most of their others) looks like Ozzy Osbourne but who in his infamous scene inThe Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years (P.S.: I don't care for this review at all, but it's worth it for the movie quotes) looks like Chris Jericho. So yes, for better or for worse I am saying that this guys looks a lot better tanked and floating around in his mother's pool in leather pants than he does here.

Anyway, to try to avoid getting into a lengthy digression about the coolest movie ever made, I'll just say that he's wearing eyeliner and a black and red leathery costume that reminds me of what the Road Warriors used to wear. And I'm not just saying that as an excuse to make another wrestling reference! His guitar is the least theatrical of the three. It's the four-prong pointy shape that I'm sure there's a name for (the shape Metallica always use) in black with a red and yellow picture of some feathered wings on it.



Next we see the drummer, Steve Riley, and even though for the most part I'd say Blackie was constantly kicking people out of W.A.S.P. as an ego trip, in this case he was definitely justified. He taps away at the drums like a diligent typist and has amazing posture, which when you're trying to be like the most super badass band around are just not compliments.

Anyway, the video progesses. Randy keeps trying to be foxy, Blackie keeps trying to be scary, Chris, most likely, keeps trying not to fall of the rock. As the chorus wraps up, we see the road again, and that lady from the beginning is standing in the middle of it. Blackie drives down the road with his hair pulled back (and headlight on for safety) looking not unlike Mick Mars in his non-all-dolled-up guise. As the second verse of the song starts, the mystery lady disappears in a flash of well, flash. Like the scene transitions in the old Justice League cartoons.

The whole next verse features again, more of the same performance footage, then ends with another totally amazing moment (why they didn't bring in the flashpots again, we'll never know) as Randy, Blackie, and Chris jump off the rock. Not to belabor a point I've made a million times already, but this was a lot more badass when I didn't know they were just kind of hopping off of a little ledge. Then we have more Blackie dancing and Chris waving his guitar over his head (which I love). Randy even does the thing where he rubs his hair again, just to tie it all together.

As we go into the bridge, we're back on the road with Blackie. The sun goes down suddenly, and we see a weird umm... I'm going to venture a guess based on what I know about W.A.S.P. and call this a sacrificial altar-type place (perhaps an "Altar of Sacrifice"?). It's basically a bunch of sticks and stuff poked into the ground with skulls and stuff tied to them and a couple of little fires burning on the ground nearby. Blackie (hair once again resplendent) drives up for a closer look. He has a really weird expression on his face, like maybe his mouth is full of water or he's trying not to burp out loud. We then see the moon, then some close-ups of the skulls and masks and stuff tied to the poles.

That lady walks out again, and we see Blackie (maybe he's trying not to laugh?) again too. She walks into the middle of all the stuff, crosses her arms, then forcefully uncrosses them, causing some little fires to light up on the ground. Then she disappears in a puff of flames. Blackie screams, and his face as he closes his mouth again is, I'm afraid to say, unmistakably that of one trying to hold in laughter. He leans forward and drives his bike through all the stuff, causing it all to really light on fire.

We watch it all burn for a minute, then we're back with W.A.S.P. on their rock, and the flashpots do finally go off again, but now it's night so it's harder to see, making it a bit less badass. This also causes the frame around their sign to light on fire, as per usual. The band dances around in front of it, and they seem like they're really rocking out but it's kind of hard to tell cause it's really dark. The camera pans across the burning sign, then we go back to the weird burning stuff. The video closes with Blackie making a face and pointing at us, superimposed over the burning altar.



THE VERDICT Okay, I tried to make this one shorter, and it didn't work. Probably because holy crap this video is awesome! A lot of people think W.A.S.P. are terrible, or all flash, but I think they friggin' rock, and I don't care if I'm alone on it. The widespread fury it caused Tipper Gore to unleash on the world aside, "Animal (!@#$ Like a Beast)" is one of the best pop metal songs ever. If he could have just managed not to scream "I !@#$ like a beast!" when all of the music cut out, this song would have been huge. Huger than huge.

But yeah, what with all the sawblades and women chained to things and entrails purportedly thrown into (or tossed from) the crowd, it's easy to see why people dismissed their music pretty easily while taking the act waaaay too seriously. I'm not sure where I fall in this. I appreciate the stage show, but in kind of a campy way, or at least in a "sure, that's what we're getting at" way -- like how Slayer always kind of make light of their satanic image (i.e. "yeah, sure, our name means Satan Laughs As You Eternally Rot") but at the same time their songs are, you know, a little bit on the umm dark side.

It's hard to tell how seriously W.A.S.P. actually take themselves. Part of it is probably that Blackie Lawless isn't as vocal or well-known as for example someone like Dee Snider, who's always the first to say look, it's just rock and roll, we're just having a good time. Lawless took a lot of flack back in the day for being the only one who tried to stay true the game (and admittedly, someone who wears gray highlights and saw blade wristicuffs is taking it all pretty damn seriously) and refused to come and testify and be like it's not a problem, you're just not getting the joke.

And yeah, in a video as over the top as this (I've often thought that every movie sequence where they're ostensibly shooting a heavy metal video was based on the look of this video), it's hard to tell if we're in on the joke, or if it's simply not a joke. Maybe part of it is seeing it now? Even still, as seriously as I want to take it, it's hard to believe that Blackie's really like "Oooh, I look super scary" every time he's making one of those faces, unless the only person he's trying to scare is, you know, Tipper.