Fiona feat. Kip Winger, "Everything You Do (You're Sexing Me)"

Nasty As They Wanna Be  

THE VIDEO Fiona featuring Kip Winger, "Everything You Do (You're Sexing Me)", Heart Like a Gun, 1988, Atlantic 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Oooooooooh you're sexin' me-eeeeeeeee / everything you do just turns me on / oooooooooh you're sexin' me-eeeeeeeeeeee / bay-bay-bay-bay-bay-bay come onnnnnnnn" 

THE VERDICT Anyone else remember this amazing trainwreck of a video? Seriously people, it's the holidays, and this power ballad-ish duet is the gift that keeps on giving. You think it can't get more ridiculous, and it does. Oh, it does. 

Now if you aren't familiar with this one, you might be asking yourself, "Who the (bleep) is Fiona?" Excellent question. Fiona is sort of like the Tiffany of heavy metal. If we're going to be generous, we might even call her the Debbie Gibson of metal, since if I'm remembering right she had some kind of classical background and wrote a surprising amount of her own songs. 

Young, hyped, likely to be found signing autographs in malls. A big difference though is that though Fiona looks pretty underage in this video, she's actually almost 30. Well, what do you know? She's just kind of a tiny lady. 

Anyway, if you were to know Fiona from anything non-musical it would likely be her star-turn opposite Bob Dylan (!?!) in 1987's Hearts of Fire. But if you're like me (and since you're reading this we will assume you are), that pales enormously in comparison to her star-turn as a murderous teen prostitute on Miami Vice. 

Now I could go into a lengthy rant about how much Miami Vice rules, but instead I will limit myself to just discussing the episode featuring Fiona: Season 2's "Little Miss Dangerous". Though I am generally a fan of the episodes about prostitution — not because I endorse sex work, but because it's the 80s so these have particularly awesome costumes — this is actually one of my least favorite episodes because it is freakin' terrifying.

 

To her credit, Fiona is creepy as hell as a young hooker who murders her johns as retribution for a lifetime of abuse. I made it just partway into this episode before it became a turn-on-all-the-lights-in-the-house type of affair. 

It wasn't much longer before I was screaming at the TV trying to save Tubbs. Fiona, if you must kill again, take Crockett! And omg, stop making those freaky-ass crayon drawings. Dang those things gave me nightmares. 

Anyway, one of the many reasons Miami Vice is amazing is the endless onslaught of cameos (just season two also features Gene Simmons and Ted Nugent — the Nuge also performs Fiona's episode's eponymous song). It's not entirely unsurprising that Fiona turned up, since they appear to have a minimum of one ingenue per episode. 

But okay, what of her performance in this video? Spoiler alert: Nothing really happens in this video. It's pretty much just Fiona and Winger in an empty warehouse/loft-type space, singing straight into each other's faces. 

This is often amusing, as they look ridiculously alike — even without the lighting washing them out, it's usually like okay, well she's shorter and has longer hair. But for reals, I think they share not just the same hairstylist, but also the same clothing stylist. 

Here are the outfits featured in this video: 1) Blousy colorful shirt with ruffled collar, paired with leather pants that lace up the sides. 2) Low-cut graphic shirt, black leather jacket, and leather pants that lace up the crotch. 3) Sheer black halter dress. 4) Cropped leather vest, black shirt, and leather pants. Okay, class — three of these outfits are worn by Fiona. Which of these does Kip Winger wear?

 

All Kip and Fiona have in there to entertain themselves with is a modern-looking white couch and each other. While Fiona spends some time posing on the couch, she spends most of her time posing on Kip Winger. Kip flashes his astonishingly white teeth while Fiona tilts her neck back for some vampire-style action. (I like that when you Google "Kip Winger", one of the related searches it suggests is "Kip Winger teeth".) Kip tosses his hair around while Fiona crouches down in front of him. Fiona tosses her hair around while Kip crouches down in front of her. 

Somehow, we are meant to believe that by screaming the lyrics to this sludge-fest into each other's faces, sexual tension is being built up between Fiona and Kip. Ummm, no. There are a few near misses, and at one point he appears to have fully stuck his face into her chest, but don't get excited — there's no sexing here. Unless you're into the David Coverdale/Tawny Kitaen-type stuff where he looks like he's choking her. In that case, ew, you pervert. 

Possibly it's that, but more likely it's the choice of words that make this for me one of the un-sexiest songs in the history of metal. "You're sexing me"? Seriously? Hearing "sex" as a verb just makes me think of biology. And not like, reproductive type stuff. 

More just like how usually when you hear "sex" as a verb, they are talking about the practice of determining whether an animal is male or female. E.g., "birds are difficult to sex." "It takes a practiced eye to accurately sex the crawfish." Next thing you know, it's "oooh, you're dissectin' mee-eeee"! 

Seriously though, even my sometime-nemeses over at allmusic kind of have my back on this one: "Like anything with intensity, it's tempting to laugh; when Fiona and Kip Winger moan, 'you're sexing me,' at each other, someone with farm experience could imagine them sedately side by side, determining the maleness or femaleness of newly hatched chicks." For real! I could imagine an alternate version of this video with just pictures of like, crabs and lizards and turkeys and stuff.

 

I think the most amazing part of this video is at the end, when there's just a smidgen of plot. A blonde woman comes up to Kip and Fiona's empty warehouse in an industrial elevator, and sort of signals to them. Then Winger and Fiona ride down in the elevator, and go outside where a long-haired man greets them. We're meant to understand that this is Fiona's real man, just as the blonde is Winger's actual girlfriend. As the two couples split apart, Fiona (now wearing a goofy hat) looks back at Kip all wistfully. Ew. 

Also uhh, okay. This still doesn't explain WTF Fiona and Winger were doing up in that warehouse. What, they just get together to like arrange themselves against columns in dramatic lighting, and yell in each other's faces, and almost kiss, like, on the regular? 

There's no implication in this video that a video is being filmed — we're meant to believe Kip's girlfriend is just like, "Oh, hey honey, did you have a nice time telling Fiona she was sexing you and having her rub her hands all over your stubble again today?" So bizarre. 

Kip has claimed no sexing ever actually occurred, and based on the astonishing lack of sexual tension I'm going to believe him. I know, I know — both Winger and Fiona are making furious porno faces through this entire video. 

But come on, watch any Winger video. Kip makes those faces at the camera. He makes those faces at all the women who are meant to be his love interest. Hell, he makes those faces at Reb Beach. Quite frankly, I think this is just sort of the natural range of Kip's facial expressions. 

Long story short, if you're looking for sexy, this video is more like a cold shower than a hot bubble bath. And if you want a great metal duet, just listen to "Close My Eyes Forever." 

But if you want to revel in awkward sexuality, Kip Winger's whiter-than-white smile, and Fiona's amorousness toward a whiter-than-white couch, by all means, watch this video! 

I may have called Fiona the Robin Sparkles of metal, but this song is really the "I Wanna Sex You Up" of metal. I know, I know, this predates Color Me Badd by a couple of years. But seriously, couldn't we have just left this kind of drecch for groups like, well, Color Me Badd?

Winger, "Can't Get Enuff"

Why Yes, Those Are Bugle Boy Jeans He's Wearing
THE VIDEO Winger, "Can't Get Enuff," In the Heart of the Young, 1990, Atlantic

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SAMPLE LYRIC "I can't get enuff of you baby / I can't get enuff, it's neverrr enu-uuh-uhhh-uffff / I can't get enuff, I'm still hunnngrrraaayy / so baby give it up, cuz I can't get enuff!"

THE VERDICT The high here today was supposed to be in the mid 60s, but instead its in the 80s. Burning sun, dripping sweat, exposed skin ... ew pervs, I'm not describing my life, I'm talking about this Winger video!

Winger is a band I'm constantly on the fence about, and "Can't Get Enuff" is one of the songs that I place on the "Cons" side of the ledger. It does little to disabuse one of the notion of Kip Winger as more than vaguely sleazy, and their songs as overproduced. I know, I know, musicianship, training, blablabla, but can't you feel like if they're really that talented they'd be able to get away from making songs like this?

That said, this isn't their worst song (to my mind, that's actually "Seventeen"), it's just far from their best. Though it does have some elements I like (especially the "Hey hey!"), it has many bits that are pure cheese (whatever those weird chimes are toward the beginning, the parts of the chorus where it sounds like they've slowed Kip's voice down a half-step, the actual lyrical content).



And what is it with metal bands and spelling "ough" as "uff"? I have an amazing Winger t-shirt from their tour for the first album, and on the back it announces them "Too Tuff To Tame" (this shirt is so awesome no one's even selling one like it on eBay so I can show you a picture -- but suffice to say I have the one with pictures of the band members on it, not the tour dates one). But it's not just Winger -- you've got Enuff Z'nuff (lord knows I always harp on them), Tuff, etc. I guess it fits in with having egregious double letters in your name, which lord knows metal bands like too (e.g. Ratt, Rough Cutt, etc).

Back to the video! Okay not back, because I've barely talked about it. To the video! This video is basically an incredible time capsule of everything white people thought was sexy in 1990. We've got shirtless guys in mirrored sunglasses and mullets, women in halter tops and high-waisted bottoms, and motorcycles. Look at any man in this video, and you can be pretty damn sure those are Bugle Boy jeans he's wearing. Look at any woman in this video, and you can't be sure whether that's meant to be a shirt or a bra. And we've got all these seduction scenarios going on that are straight out of a made-for-Cinemax-after-10-pm masterpiece -- people eating fruit, in a boxing gym, playing pool, etc. while constantly throwing the bone eye at each other.



I also like how nothing in this has continuity or makes sense -- kind of reminds me of a perfume ad, but I think this would be an ad for Designer Imposters. Why do those guys have surfboards when everything in this video leads us to believe we're in the desert? If that woman is sweating so darn hard, why is she wearing a leather jacket with her bra/top? Also what is up with exhaust fans in like every video ever in the late 80s/ early 90s? Seriously, from Tesla to Milli Vanilli, y'all.

Compared to other Winger videos, this is almost all Kip Winger. The rest of the boys are barely visible, as we're too busy with close-ups of Kip's face, or of him walking around putting the smallest amount of effort possible into pretending to play his bass (e.g., using only his right hand). He also gets to show off a lot of that ballet training, with a number of honestly quite graceful spins and swoops, as well as the requisite arching his back absurdly far. He even puts in some David Lee Roth-esque high kicks. I bet he's good at yoga. All the swinging and flashing lights don't make it any easier to tell what the heck is going on -- backlit, everyone in Winger is the same curly-haired dude.



You'd think the strobe-lit woman crawling on a pool table would be the pinnacle of cheese in this video -- we can't even see Reb Beach's guitar solo, because we're too busy getting something that looks like a cross between "Enter Sandman" and a Slaughter video. Is the strobe light meant to imply this is a fantasy sequence? This entire video is made up of fantasy sequences!!

But if you're thinking this, you obviously haven't made it up to the "sexy photo booth" scene. That one really takes the cake, as the guy has to mimic emotions from "disbelief" to "flustered arousal" while the woman makes exactly one face ("sexy pouting") throughout. Also, if it's that darn hot, why on earth is she wearing stockings? Ugh, just contemplating all that thigh sweat is grossing me out.

I don't know if it's warm enough here for me to want to tackle my boyfriend on top of a bunch of grapes (are those people vintners? Why on earth would anyone buy that many grapes at once?), but suffice to say it was warm enough for me to think of Winger. And while I often feel I can get enuff of this song, I will say the video has brought considerable amusement to my afternoon.

Winger, "Miles Away"

Stewart Wore That Shirt for a Reason

THE VIDEO Winger, "Miles Away," In the Heart of the Young, 1990, Atlantic

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SAMPLE LYRIC "Miles away! / no you're never turning back / and I just can't waaaayyy-aaait anyyyymore [whoa-oh!] / Miles away! / nothin' left of what we had / just whennn I neeeeeded you most / you were miles awaaaaaaaa-aaaay"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION Kip Winger stares mournfully. A woman eats alone. A dude uh... washes his hair. All in glorious black and white. Yes, I hope you're ready for a whole fistful of Winger.

As a leather-jacketed, hairy-chested, precisely-stubbled Kip begins to sing (with shimmering water in the background), we are introduced to the video's plot. As Kip's visage flickers in and out, a foxy brunette pouts pensively alone at a table. She refolds a letter as the showering dude closes his eyes and makes an agonized face. After we see Kip looking more like that dude from Beauty and the Beast (the 80s show with Linda Hamilton, not the Disney movie) and we have a glance at Paul Taylor (sorry, the most relevant link for this poor fool was so nonsensical I simply had to include it), she puts the letter aside and gets up from the table.

As the dude continues massaging his scalp in the shower, she tosses on a leather jacket over her lacy camisole. Kip and Rod Morgenstein pose for the camera, then our protagonist finally gets out of the shower to find her letter. He takes it pretty hard. For the record, he's a 20-something-ish Latin looking dude with short hair and a goatee (for whatever reason, once the clock turns on the year 1990, all heavy metal video protagonists suddenly have short hair, fyi).

Everyone in Winger belts out the chorus, and we even finally catch a glimpse of the loathsome Reb Beach. They're all standing in front of the water while lights flash across their faces. Kip gnashes his teeth while the main dude dries his tears with her letter. Winger keep on rocking, and he still can't stop his sniveling, finally tearing up the tablecloth and upending everything upon it. The camera lovingly displays his musculature throughout. I mean jeez, are those Bugle Boy jeans he's wearing? Although actually these shots are much more in line with the Guess? Jeans school of photography.

He runs out of the house and into the front yard of their cute little bungalow-style house, and, clinging to the swinging chainlink door in the fence, he looks frantically up and down the street to see if she's still around (apparently she's on foot, since he doesn't seem to think she's made it very far).



Oh, snap! She's got another man! We next see the woman hanging onto another dude while riding behind him on a motorcycle. Not that the other guy seems so great, but this guy looks like a total scuzzball. Think Rob Lowe in Wayne's World, only this guy is no tastydelicious Rob Lowe (he's not even Chad Lowe). The members of Winger let this moment sink in by turning slowly to look mournfully at the camera. A shot of the dude hanging his head, sitting out in the yard fades into a shot of the girl and her new guy on the road. She's all rubbing his back and stuff. Trashy. The latin dude should forget about her. But no, instead he takes his rusted ass beater car out to try and find her. It looks like they're driving on the exact same road, but he doesn't find her. He's lucky he doesn't, since now she's fondling her new guy's biceps and kissing his ear.

He's either really sobbing or inexplicably dripping with sweat as the girl suddenly appears in the backseat of the car. She leans forward and rubs his shoulders, but then -- doh! She disappears. She was just a figment of his desperate imagination. He looks a little like he's going to puke, then rubs his eyes. Finally home again, he tries to reach her via the phone. He reaches either her or his mother (telling him that she always thought that girl was no good), either way, a lot of yelling and pounding the table with his fist follows. He then spends about five minutes delicately hanging up the phone, as if one false move would cause it to explode. Then he (I think, it's a little hard to tell) busts out a rosary.

We next see him looking like utter crap atop his rumpled sheets. She, meanwhile, has already hopped into bed with Mr. New. Shots of the main dude writhing in agony and screaming are interspersed with shots of her and the other guy getting it on (they basically look like out takes from a Chris Isaak video). They roll all over the place. The solo I guess provides a rather obvious subtext for all of this.

As this winds up, we see the main dude laying in his rumpled bed. The light has changed enough that we know he's like, passed out crying and woken up at a later time. He looks around all bleary-eyed and briefly catches sight of his tv, which he left on. A nurse walks across the screen. He grabs at his sheets, then finally gets up and walks down the hallway. We then see the girl rubbing ...um, a guy's back. It's hard to tell if we're seeing her now with her new guy, or if the main guy is remembering the good times they had writhing around on the bed together. He keeps staring into space in a squinty, focused way implying that this may be a fantasy sequence. But I can't see the guy she's with clearly enough to get a positive ID. Ok, I'm thinking fantasy sequence, because next we see the main guy sitting on the floor in the doorway with the same bed the girl was just on in the background. (Note: Going back through the vid frame-by-frame, it definitely is her with the new guy, not a fantasy sequence. So much for my powers of deduction).



Winger kick it up one last time, and there's much singing along. Now the guy is sitting at the bottom of their stairs beside a large stained glass window which doesn't seem like it'd be part of the same house they showed before. The camera pans past a guy and a girl nuzzling on a motorcycle (it may or may not be her, we don't see it for long), then we see the main guy looking around as he uses a pay phone. Oh, I think it is her, because she and the guy are really going at it now, and he has that same lame haircut every man had circa 1990 (long to the ears, then a fade). Meanwhile, the dude is holding the phone up to his neck and sighing.

The couple making out on the bike pull apart, and next we see the girl through a peephole in a door. She's looking around nervously. The next shot's from inside, and we see the main dude is doing the peeping. He's also wearing a vest with no shirt, but I'm not going to go there. Then we see the girl again. She turns away, then pauses, then finally turns back and approaches the door again. He caresses the doorknob, then sits down beside the door, crouching out of sight. We can see her walking outside through the large window beside the door, and through the venetian blinds she's visible trying to peep in through the window. She gives up and walks away as Kip stares meaningfully into the distance.

THE VERDICT Not sure about this one. From the looks of it, just when he needed her most, she was like, two inches away. Maybe he figured out that she'd spent their time apart riding around on motorcycles and getting it on with other guys? It's pretty clear that he sees her out there, but he's like, I've done my crying and I'm not letting you come back. He's sort of the tough chick of the video.

Probably this makes sense, since this is a Winger video. No matter how much you hear the whole Kip Winger played with Alice Cooper (who after all is a Republican, lest we forget), Kip Winger is a classically trained musician (and also a classically trained man-ballerina), don't let his entire career be boiled down to just one word on Stewart's t-shirt, etc., you have to face the facts that at the end of the day, their music is just plain wussy. The guys in this band make the boys in Stryper look fierce. Seriously.

In spite of Kip's mighty choppers, songs like that classic ode to statutory rape "Seventeen" are utterly toothless. Maybe it's because he sings with one of those little drive-thru operator/Britney Spears mics in "Easy Come, Easy Go." Maybe it is all about the Stewart/Beavis and Butthead dichotomy. I don't know. I just know that at the end of the day, I can't really get myself to care for Winger.

That said, I don't mind this song. Not to start a recurring theme here, but I feel like if this were a Cinderella song I would absolutely love it.