Helix, "Heavy Metal Love"

Helix Comes to Frogtown  

THE VIDEO Helix, "Heavy Metal Love," No Rest for the Wicked, 1983, EMI 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Heavy metal luh-uve / she's my heavy metal luh-uve" [Just say whatever you want, then say this next] 

THE VERDICT If you get the title of this post right away, you rule. If you don't, allow me to explain the connection. 

The brawny blond in this video is none other than Sandahl Bergman, the female lead in the 1988 "Rowdy" Roddy Piper vehicle Hell Comes to Frogtown. If you haven't seen this movie, you must. True, it was Piper who led me to watch it, but Bergman's intriguing looks — sort of like a poor man's Angela from Who's the Boss? — and astonishing dance moves really steal the show. 

Also stealing the show: Frog makeup, trying to figure out where in California the movie was shot, the very homemade costumes, and the fact that Roddy Piper's mission is to impregnate a bunch of women in brightly-colored negligees in order to help the human species repopulate (now that's a Hot Rod!). Do we get a lot of close-ups of his crotch encased in a weird metal unit? Why yes, we do. Many times, in fact. 

Seriously, if you like bad sci-fi, or even if you just like heavy metal videos that look like bad sci-fi, this is a movie for you. There's not any metal, but there's lots of homemade props, post-apocalyptic landscapes, and yes, brief nudity. 

Anywayyy, attempting to research the folks in Hell Comes to Frogtown led me to Bergman, which led me to this particular Helix video. I can't figure out what's going on in this one, but honestly, try to figure out what's going on in any of them. 

"Heavy Metal Love" definitely isn't helped by the unbelievably poor lighting. Many metal videos are badly lit, but this one is badly lit even by metal video standards. This video predates the era of spotlight overload, but most of the light here appears to be coming from a lit-up Helix logo. There's so much fog going on it almost feels like the camera that shot this has glaucoma. 

Helix appear to be playing in a vacant lot with like, apartment buildings being built on either side of it (this is my best guess). Something about it being low-budget, or maybe Canadian, or vaguely sci-fi is really giving me a serious Mystery Science Theater 3000 vibe (I know, something I often get). I'm thinking here of one in particular that's not coming to me, but something like Warrior of the Lost World or City Limits.

 

Most of this video is Helix just playing the song, not even really moving around, shot from just one camera (if that's not a signal of a low budget, I don't know what is). 

But we also see a very muscular and oily Ms. Bergman standing in a poorly lit area, flexing and like, bending things. Let's just say it's no dance of the three snakes, but it'll have to do. Actually, it's kind of like the "Manhunt" dance from Flashdance in costume, attitude, and execution. She's got all these chains and tools and stuff in there with her, but thanks to all the fog and the dim lighting I can't really tell what she's doing with it. 

Oh my gosh. Okay. Apparently, she is building a dude in there. I'm not kidding. It looks like a golem (as opposed to Gollum — I've neither read nor seen any Lord of the Rings, but I still feel like this is an important clarification to make). I mean it's like a giant gray dude who looks like he's made of metal or clay or something, breathing out steam like a freakin' dragon. 

So let me get this straight: This ripped, oily, mulleted woman, who is bending metal rods in a chain-filled foggy room is so uninterested in Helix that she decides to just DIY it? Weird. 

I mean the song is all "she's my heavy metal love," implying Bergman is said love, but it looks like she's built herself her own love. Out of heavy metals. Literally. 

The end of this video features much jumping around by lead singer Brian Vollmer, who to this point had been constrained by just having to stand around and make crazy faces at the camera. He's no Diamond Dave, but what can you do. 

The video then ends, having totally not resolved what's going on with Bergman and the metal guy, with the weird goggled dude from the beginning and that lit-up Helix sign again. He reminds me of Randee of the Redwoods, who coincidentally back in the day I thought was David Lee Roth (what can I say, I was a little kid!). 

P.S.: I know, this post is so short, and I actually have a backlog of requests right now, but I am uncharacteristically working last-minute rather than weeks in advance, and decided it was smarter to do what I can than to (gasp!) miss a week. I promise to be back on top of blogging soon!

P.P.S. from 2020: This video isn't on YouTube, so this awkwardly framed Vimeo is gonna have to cut it.

Helix, "Gimme Gimme Good Lovin'"

Here She Is, Miss Rock Fantasy  

THE VIDEO Helix, "Gimme Gimme Good Lovin'", Walkin' the Razor's Edge, 1984, Capitol 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Gimme gimme good lovin' / ev-er-y ni-ight / gimme gimme good lovin' / ev-er-y ni-ight (ev'ry ni-ight)" 

THE VERDICT Since I used their distinctive "H" in my new logo, I thought it was only fair that this week we turn our attention to the dulcet sounds of Helix. I was about to do "Heavy Metal Love" (mainly because I wanted to talk about Hell Comes to Frogtown), but once I remembered this utter WTF-fest of a video, I couldn't resist. I even had to add "beauty pageant" as a tag because of it. 

This video takes the conceit of "Hot for Teacher," subtracts the kids and multiplies it by the leotards and underage girls of "Body Talk," then adds the comedic framing of an early Twisted Sister video to come out with a result that is completely ridiculous. And I mean even for Helix, a band that was extremely susceptible to ridiculous videos. 

Helix are sort of like the Y&T of Canada: Like Y&T, they were around forever, worked really hard, and are considered underrated (though less so than Y&T). They've got a similar sound, which I'd characterize as New Wave Of North American Heavy Metal. Think of it as like the NWOBHM, except with way less of an emphasis on the macabre and fantastic, and way more on partying. Oh, and lots of chanting. Lots of chanting. 

Also like Y&T, and importantly for my point here, being a bunch of not-good-looking guys, they are constantly placed in videos that either a) minimize their roles in the action, b) surround them with hot women who provide a visual distraction from them, c) are funny, making them the funny guys instead of just the un-hot guys, or d) do all three. This video does all three and then some. 

The video begins with a couple of sportscasters having some witty banter that seems choppily edited, I'm assuming because something NSFW gets said. Turns out not only is this video ridiculous in its current state. It also has a completely over-the-top (and completely NSFW) unedited version that was created to be aired on the Playboy channel (!) and which doesn't just feature Traci Lords, I mean it features Traci Lords. When she was 16, no less. Way to keep it classy, Helix. 

You can't get your hands on that version, because duh, illegal. Anyway, here's what you get in the edited version: Bald sportscaster: "Well, what can I say, another extravaganza! You can cut the suspense with a knife! I haven't seen so many- boy, the guys in Helix look good, don't they?" Handsome sportscaster: "What can I say?" Bald sportscaster: (nods)

 

It then cuts to a ditzy, vaguely Southern-sounding blond who the screen identifies as "Beth Broadway, Miss Rock Fantasy 1983." In perfect pageant-ese, she says "Gosh, I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be back here this year. All the girls are such fun, and such wonderful friends." 

After this, it cuts back to the handsome sportscaster, who says, "It looks like we're ready, so let's go on down to the floor for the third annual Miss Rock Fantasy Pageant." There's an announcer down on the stage who says, "And now ladies and gentlemen, without any further ado, I'd like to present the girls vying for the crown of Miss Rock Fantasy. Girls, take a bow!" before things actually start with the Lady GaGa -slash- post-op Heidi Montag-looking Miss California, who is nearly falling out of her leotard (which is definitely more low-cut than the others), as she pouts and air-kisses for the camera. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this woman is probably from porn. 

We then see a montage of the different contestants either dancing, or in many cases standing still and moving their hair around with their arms, on the lighted walkway. They are all wearing the exact same thing: Black heels, blue sashes, and green and black leotards. The leotards feature a sort of black suspenders look, as if this is possibly two separate leotards and the black is layered over the green. American Apparel, take note. Oh wait, you already have. 

We start with Miss Utah, a spunky young brunette who we'll later see looks like a favorite to win. Let me also mention she's played by Brinke Stevens, who a) is in tons of B-horror movies but also b) is totally from San Diego! She should've been Miss California. 

She's followed by Miss Georgia, a bored blond a very underage Traci Lords, and then Miss Vermont, who has an incredible amount of hair — it's like knee-length! Miss Texas is older-looking blonde who seems to have experience dancing on a lighted catwalk. 

The next two look kind of young — Miss Illinois, a girl-next-door brunette, and Miss Arkansas, an especially high-school-age-looking blonde who looks nervous. Last up is Miss New York, whose dancing and comportment is vaguely Flashdance-esque. 

Ohhh wait. As the song kicks in, here's the band. They've decided to color-coordinate in black and red, all in sleeveless tops with leather pants. Studs are everywhere. Oh wait, I don't mean the guys in Helix are studs. I mean like, they're wearing lots of garments and accessories with little metal grommets attached to them. Don't get it twisted. 

Anyway, there's much synchronized headbanging and guitar waving. As the first verse begins, we see one of the contestants come out to, uh, perform. Is this the talent portion? She's wearing a sleeveless black thing, black booties, sheer stockings, and fingerless black gloves. But it's easy to ignore those given the GaGa-esque halfmask she has on. Half is black and studded, while the other half is just these long, spiky feathers. She carries two coconuts down the catwalk, which she places beside her feet before smashing one of them with a giant wooden mallet. Uhhh oh-kayyy.

 

This causes singer Brian Vollmer to somersault off the drum riser, which is covered in contestants. The contestants basically dance all over the stage the entire time the band is performing, not really moving around or anything, but just sort of bopping back and forth in place. 

The masked contestant smiles and then growls at the camera, which makes the handsome sportscaster sweat like he's in a sauna. I'm not 100% sure about this ID, but I'm thinking this is Traci Lords/Miss Georgia. I'm not very up on 80s porn stars though. 

Anyway, the other girls tease Brian with their dance moves, and before you know it we're onto contestant number 2. She's wearing a very early 80s heavy metal studded black bodysuit with a cut-out that goes down to the navel (and coordinating fingerless gloves!), and sheer black stockings with garters. She does a sexy dance (while smoking a cigarette no less) that ends with her posing on a chair. Hmm, I think the first contestant had a better talent, but we should probably wait for the ballgown portion to judge. 

The chorus features more dancing around, and many, many shots of Miss New York's crotch. Apparently she was right in front of the camera, and apparently they liked it that way. Half the time her lower bits are taking up about half the frame, with the members of Helix in the distance behind her. 

Oh! Here we go. Another "talent." This one appears to be Lady GaGa/Miss California. In an extremely low-cut black thing that makes the last contestant's attire look tasteful and a pair of elbow-length (you guessed it!) sheer fingerless gloves, her talent appears to be catching white feathers that are falling from the ceiling with her tongue. This makes bald sportscaster sweat and say "WOW" to the camera. 

Did I mention before that Brian seems to like Miss Utah best? He keeps leaning on her and pulling her into the frame. In other news, Miss Texas continues to look super-bored. 

The guitar solo consists of a black-and-white shot of Brent Doerner walking down the catwalk — which has been colored in purple for some reason — and kicking the lightbulbs off with his foot as he walks along. Hmm. It doesn't really fit with the rest of the video, but whatever. At least he doesn't have to play the solo from like, behind some woman's butt.

 

Can I also mention that "Doctor" Doerner kind of looks like Bruce McCulloch from The Kids in the Hall? 'Cause he totally kind of does. 

Just when you think it's over, there's another talent portion. This one is Miss Vermont, identifiable by the fact that she has more hair on her head than everyone else in this video combined. She comes out in a totally weird get-up with red heeled boots and a hat, and she's got a red motorcycle on the catwalk. Compared to the others, she's demure — she has on an oversized leather vest over her low-cut bodysuit and stocking/garter combo. Oops, nevermind, she just took that off, causing the balding sportcaster to intone, "What can I say!" 

This also makes Vollmer jump off the drum riser and do a somersault again. Or knowing Helix metal videos from this era, this is probably the same shot they used earlier. Actually nope, it's not -- the girls are gone. 

Anyway, wow, so Vermont's talent includes mounting the front wheel of the chopper in reverse and waving around her truly prodigious amount of hair. Something tells me she's not going to win, even with this crowd. 

The video ends with the band and all the contestants huddled in together, with words across the scene claiming "We'll be back to crown our winner after this..." Some weird dude with a mustache Rip Taylor has made it onto Miss Vermont's chopper, and though he's super-excited to be there, I'm not really sure why he's there. Oh wait, for all the topless porn stars! Duh. 

P.S.: Amongst all this weirdness, how'd I manage to forget to mention this song is a cover? It was originally performed in 1969 by a Canadian bubblegum pop act with the improbable name Crazy Elephant.