Faster Pussycat, "You're So Vain"

I Betcha Think This Post is About You  

THE VIDEO Faster Pussycat, "You're So Vain," Rubaiyat: Elektra's 40th Anniversary, 1990, Elektra

SAMPLE LYRIC "Yoooooou're so vain / [insert lots of bad scatting and weird mouth noises here] / I betcha think this song is about you, don't you, don't youuuuuu" 

  

THE VERDICT Faster Pussycat covering Carly Simon? Wha-aaaaa-aat? Where does this song come from? Well allow me to answer that! We can thank an uneven but actually kind of awesome double-album that Elektra put out in honor of the label's 40th anniversary, with bands who were currently on the roster covering classic Elektra hits. (If you're wondering what a rubaiyat is, technically it's a collection of Arabic verse. I think maybe they were trying to play on this being their "ruby" anniversary.) 

 

Anyway, if you don't know Rubaiyat, it's the album responsible for all kinds of random greatness, like the kickass Metallica cover of Queen's "Stone Cold Crazy", and the Gipsy Kings' version of "Hotel California" that everyone knows from The Big Lebowski. 

And of course, it's what brings us to Faster Pussycat covering Carly Simon — two great tastes that indeed, taste great together. There was a lot of drama around this song — the original Carly Simon version — about a year ago, as Carly purportedly revealed who it's actually about. Is it Eric Clapton? Jackson Browne? Some random music exec? Who cares! The entire point of this song is that if you think it's about you, you're probably kind of a jerk. I feel like I have a lot of people in my life right now giving off that vibe, which put it in my mind to do this video.

 

After all, unless you're just here to search for pictures of a young Christina Applegate (which, statistically, a lot of you are), you've probably noticed I've been away for a while... four months almost. Just had too much going on to keep up. I kept just barely getting posts up on time, and then one week, I just missed it. And yet, life went on. And on. 

But as I'm writing this, having just found a month-old email from one of my most devoted readers, I know I miss this blog too much to let it go (and besides, I have to keep identifying which Great White girls look like Kelly Bundy). I mean, it's nearly March — Power Ballads Month! I don't know that I'll be able to keep up with weekly posts, but I'll do what I can to serve up at least some meager morsels of metal. 

Like this gem, which is like a time capsule of what people thought was cool in the early '90s (and what people thought was kitsch). I think in the intervening twenty freakin' years the two have reversed themselves at least once, and now seemingly swung back around, at least from what I can tell by the preponderance of velvet at American Apparel. That said, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous of Taime's fainting couch. I love that kind of useless furniture. (Though I'm not so much with the animal prints these days ... another trend that has definitely come back around.)

 

Not to sound like Stefon, but this video has it all. Sexy women's shadows. Wildly swinging cameras. Saturated colors, including of course the de rigeur Yves Klein blue. Mannequins dressed as cops. Louis XIV-style portraits. Burlesque dancers. Contortionists. A crap-ton of mirrors. Aging beauty queens. Velvet curtains. A woman who looks just like her poodle (or a poodle who looks just like it's woman, depending how you want to look at it). Sunless tanning. Human furniture. Human furniture? You know, it's that thing of when the members of the band who aren't the lead singer just have to sit through the video. (Sorry, no midgets... so far.) 

 

Oh no wait, behind curtain number six-zillion we do finally find Faster Pussycat actually performing the song instead of just sitting on furniture that looks like it got rejected from Singled Out or left over from like, the original Real World apartment (wow, I'd totally forgotten that they had that guy who looked like Matt Dillon in Singles!). 

The boys seriously seem to be in some kind of contest as to who can wear the most velvet. I think Brent Muscat is winning with the red suit. Okay, but then the video ends with the roles being reversed — now the members of Faster Pussycat are playing in the little areas behind the curtains, and a bunch of model-types are posing and preening on the rotating furniture (completely ignoring the band, though I suppose that's the point). 

But for real — they finally let the guys play, and then they just throw tons of other stuff in front of them. Oh wait, now everyone's singing. And everyone's there at once, too. I guess New York's hottest club is the "You're So Vain" video.

Dokken, "Just Got Lucky"

At Least 49 Years' Bad Luck

THE VIDEO Dokken, "Just Got Lucky", Tooth and Nail, 1984, Elektra

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "You were just using someone / and I was the ooo-oone! / she said 'you just got lucky' / I believed your deadly lies / you just got lucky / I've been hypno-ti-ized!"

THE VERDICT Deceptively simple, this is the video that made me fall in love with George Lynch. He is literally a beacon of hotness throughout this video, having the best hair of his career (his Breaking the Chains half-and-half hair is perfectly grown out) and glistening with sweat. His classic red t-shirt which simply says "Balls" (in Helvetica!) sums it up well.

What else is going on? Well, Jeff Pilson is seriously outdoing himself with the guitar face. That man could give a master class in rock star moves. Don Dokken is running around with bandannas tied to his legs a la Punky Brewster. As per usual, Don is furrowing his brow and making pouty faces at the camera, however in about half the shots here, he's doing it in a sort of low-budget house of mirrors. It's less like the band's playing in a funhouse, and more like they're playing in one of the bigger dressing rooms at Bloomingdale's. You half expect to see a pair of beat up, size 11 women's heels lying on the ground -- not because they belong to Don, but because they always have that in the dressing rooms at Bloomingdale's, as if those are really going to give you a better idea how those $300 jeans look.

But I digress. Don's doing his best to look hurt, because this is yet another Dokken song about the evilness of women. Yes, as any metal video will tell you, we are a serious threat to... what? I guess in this song's case, to male self-esteem? Not really sure.



This is mainly because the lyrics to this song don't make much sense unless you add a bunch of your own punctuation to turn them into more of a dramatic dialogue (sort of like how the woman echoes that one verse in "Breaking the Chains"). The whole song is about getting over someone you had a relationship with who was a completely bad idea. You're having some trouble doing it, but it has to happen.

However, you can only get this by adding a bunch of quotes. Without them, the song sounds kind of schizophrenic. So we wind up with: she said "you just got lucky" / [Don replies:] "I believed your deadly lies" / [again, she said:] "you just got lucky" / [Don replies:] "I've been hypno-ti-ized!"

Even with the quotes, however, it's hard to say why this is lucky. Is she saying he's lucky to even have been screwed over by her? (This is admittedly how I feel about some of my exes.) Or is she implying he's lucky he got out? This isn't my favorite Dokken song (that's "The Hunter"), but regardless, it's one of their most nonsensical, even among the often muddled lyrical imagery of their "damn you, woman!" songs (e.g. "Heaven Sent"). For their part, Dokken seem pretty unconcerned with luck, as they repeatedly break mirrors throughout this video, most often by throwing guitars through them.

What else goes on? Well, we get a lot of Don's face reflected in shards of mirror, and hardly any Mick Brown. And every time we make our way out of the hall of mirrors (by appearing to break them), we get live footage of Dokken (and at least half the time in the same outfits, but live, and much sweatier). These boys need some VO5, stat. Or some of that Pssst dry shampoo.



And just when you think it can't get any hotter -- George Lynch plays the guitar solo on top of a volcano. It's not erupting or anything, but if I remember correctly, it did take a helicopter to put him up there. It also doesn't exactly look inactive. And look at those... well, look at all of it. This was before he went all body-builder, and I much prefer this lankier look (shades of Warren DeMartini!). In any event, George on a frickin' volcano is not a bad way to cap things off.

On a semi-related note, tell me you have seen Dokken vs. Chicken. I know, the current lineup of Dokken only contains the original half of the band that doesn't really interest me -- as I always say, Jeff Pilson would seem like an incredibly hot and talented man were he not in a band with George Lynch, but I'm afraid for me Don and Mick just do not do it. Nonetheless, they're still performing -- with Don's former attorney (!?!) on guitar and Barry Sparks on bass.

Back to my point, they are apparently the centerpiece of a bizarre ad campaign from Norton that while I'm assuming it only runs outside the states, I can only conclude is intended to get me personally to purchase virus protection for my PC. I mean, who else is that obsessed with not only Dokken, but also chicken? And particularly fried chicken. If someone wises up and makes a commercial that involves George Lynch and fried chicken, I am in serious-ass trouble, because I am pretty sure that commercial would simultaneously activate so many pleasure centers in my brain that I would buy literally anything being sold with such a campaign.

P.S.: Thanks to Gareth C. for the suggestions for this post!