Twisted Sister feat. Alice Cooper, "Be Chrool to Your Scuel"

Schoolday of the Dead  

THE VIDEO Twisted Sister featuring Alice Cooper, "Be Chrool to Your Scuel", Come Out and Play, 1985, Atlantic 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Be cruel to your schoo-ool! / 'Cause you may never get another! / Be cruel to your schoo-ool! / In the name of rock n' roll!" 

THE VERDICT Never seen this one before? Not too surprising — MTV rejected it as too offensive at the time, Vh-1 Classic doesn't even air it now, and even Twisted Sister themselves have more or less buried it. 

It's pretty much their Heaven's Gate. What with all the celeb guests — Alice Cooper, obviously, as well as Bobcat Goldthwait; but behind the scenes you've purportedly got Brian Setzer, Clarence Clemons, and most bizarrely, Billy Joel — clearly this production cost a ton. We've moved beyond just like, people who are only famous for being in Animal House (though I know, Niedermeyer goes on to be the Maestro in Seinfeld. But that comes later). I think they pretty much blew their Stay Hungry money on this one. 

And as the opening of this video pointedly reminds us, Dee Snider was feeling pretty self-righteous about censorship as it was, having somewhat inadvertently having become the face (and voice) of heavy metal during the Parents Music Resource Center hearings (no one else from the world of metal really showed up to testify). It's no wonder that after working up this whole song and video only to have MTV pretty much kill it, they decided to shelve the whole thing. 

You also have to imagine that all the non-Dee Snider members of Twisted Sister weren't that into it anyway, as they barely figure in the video to begin with. All they really get to do is open lockers and peek inside. 

Anyway, the video begins with two quotes, both from the September 28, 1985 U.S. Senate Hearings on Rock Lyrics. First, from Dee: "Our videos are simply meant to be cartoons with human actors." Second, from Senator Ernest Hollings (D-SC, but really that D is in the old-line, Strom Thurmond southern Democrat sense): "It's just outrageous filth." 

I have to say, I do appreciate that at least at some point, something cool got discussed during one of these things. When I was in college, I had a work-study job at the library, and I worked in the government documents collection. OMG, does the U.S. government pump out a lot of paper. I spent a lot of time shelving the Congressional Record, so I'm glad that at least in 1985 it might have included some of this.

 

Then we get a lengthy vignette featuring Bobcat Goldthwait as a frantic high school teacher. Yeah, I kind of relate to this sequence. Sometimes when I'm teaching, I will just kind of go out of body for a second and be like, "Wait, does what I'm saying make sense at all? Or am I just saying completely random things?" I mean, the answers are always yes, and then no, but it's kind of like how sometimes you'll be driving your car, and suddenly you'll have a moment where you're like 'Oh, whoa, I'm driving right now', almost as if you somehow forgot you were driving? 

I know, I'm making you fear for the educational future of your children or whatnot right now. But really, if you're reading this, you should probably already be worried about your kids, heh heh. 

Anyway, the bell rings, and we get the usual teacher-gets-jostled-about-in-the-crowd-of-students shot. Does this ever really happen, outside of heavy metal videos and charismatic-teacher/principal-turns-around-a-troubled-school movies? I don't remember ever being in such a hurry to leave class that I needed to like, trample somebody. 

Fade to Bob quickly regaining his composure in an incredibly spacious teacher's lounge, with giant windows and ample seating. He grabs his Walkman from a cubby and settles into a couch beside another teacher who's also listening to headphones. The first teacher asks him what he's listening to, and Bob responds by yelling "TWISTED SISTER!" right into the guy's face. 

The other teacher plugs his headphones into Bob's giant Walkman so he can listen too, and suddenly — two full freakin' minutes in — Bob opens his eyes and transforms into Dee Snider. And the other teacher opens his eyes and transforms into Alice Cooper! 

There's spooky blue lighting, and dry ice fog, and naturally the other teachers have become Mark Mendoza, Jay Jay French, etc. I also enjoy how everyone demonstrates their transformation by looking at their palms in astonishment. 

Is that what one does when one wakes up as someone else? At least in Big and 17 Again and The Hot Chick and stuff like that, people react by looking in mirrors and completely freaking out and screaming a lot and stuff. But I think they decided (rightly) that this video was long enough.

 

Dee and Alice head into the hall and yup, the students are zombies. This is like the one heavy metal video about school that doesn't use some kind of A Clockwork Orange-type scenario, but zombies give you the same idea I suppose — less that education is force-fed, but still the same idea that it is somehow mindless. 

Despite the fact that Dee and Alice just push past the zombies, who seem totally harmless and uninterested in eating their brains, it's clearly the zombie footage that got this video nixed. Probably the grossest thing in it is the zombies-making-out scene, which involves one zombie sort of trying to pull the other zombie's jaw off—yup, it looks like when David Coverdale and Tawny Kitaen make out, only with rotting flesh. 

But on the plus, it reminds me of one of my favorite scenes in the best-show-you-haven't-watched, Bob's Burgers — Tina's zombie dream. Seriously, I love everything Jon Benjamin does so much.

Actually, it's not just the making out. A lot of disgusting stuff happens in this video. A student leaves an apple on teacher Dee's desk, and his hand and forearm get left along with it. 

Then again, I feel like worse stuff (and with much more realistic special effects) happens in "Thriller." I mean when that one corpse has all that green stuff come out of its mouth? Gee-ross. Okay, but then Dee acts like he's going to eat the arm, so. Michael Jackson did a lot of weird stuff, but cannibalism (or would this be like, necrophagy or something?) wasn't among it. 

The cafeteria scene is oddly reminiscent of "Hot for Teacher," with the band playing on a raised platform in one corner. But why is the lunch lady serving the zombies rubber rats? Shouldn't she be serving them brains? Or at least cold spaghetti noodles and peeled grapes? (Come on, you never did that when you were a kid? "These were his eyes!")

 

Okay, actually I think the grossest scene in this video is — well I'm not sure what's happening. At first it seems like it's the school nurse, but then you see other kids watching, so maybe it's some kind of bio class. But a zombie teacher is decapitating one zombie student, and then a student in the classroom imitates this by ripping open his own neck and going for what's in there. Yeah, it's early in the morning as I write this and that's making me feel a little queasy. Tracheotomies freak me out. (Wait, are there people who aren't freaked out by tracheotomies? Don't answer that.)

Suddenly Alice is dressed as a doctor too, and he shines his little light in one student's ear and has it come out the other. WTF is going on in this video?! Annnnd now he's got a scalpel out. Sorry Dee, but this is no Wile E. Coyote-style giant Acme anvil. You're getting a little too gruesome with this one. 

Though to his credit, he does use a fire extinguisher on the home ec teacher whose hands are on fire. But now Dee's biting people again. Is he the only real zombie here? 

There's a sequence with a zombie band playing that's pretty straightforward, and I assume is covering for the fact that aside from Alice, they couldn't actually get any of their guest musicians to appear in the video. Hence a zombie stand-in for Clarence Clemons, etc. Apparently this is where the bar was for him (RIP): He'd be in a Lady GaGa video, but not this. 

As the zombie students crowd into the auditorium, Twisted Sister quickly run to replace the zombie band. Speaking of zombies, have I mentioned yet that Alice Cooper looks freakin' exhausted in this video? You can tell the whole time that Dee is so into it, but Alice looks like he's barely even going through the motions.

 

Anyway, the whole zombie crew pours through the halls, and we get a quick meet-the-band sequence actually showing the non-Dee members of Twisted Sister — hey, remember them? 

Then we're back in the now normally-lit teachers' lounge with Bob, who's waking up. Wait, was it all just a dream? He puts his Walkman back in his cubby and heads out into the hall — where he is instantly smothered with zombie hands. Dunt-dunt-DAH! 

I think this video's biggest downfall might not even be the video — it's the song. Now I know I'm no big Twisted Sister fan, but among their singles I think this is actually the weakest. It's clear they love mining the look, feel, and sound of the 50s/pre-Beatles 60s (I mean remember what the other big single from this album was?). But this bizarre homage to the Beach Boys' "Be True to Your School" just doesn't work.  

P.S.: Oh my gosh, even in this already super-long post, I can't believe I forgot the one salient successful element of this video — it was one of the first things Luke Perry was cast in, and Twisted Sister are at times credited with having 'discovered' the future Dylan McKay. Can you believe it? 

I can't for the life of me figure out who he is in this video. He would have been about 19 or 20 when it was shot. My first guess was the kid in the center of the first photo strip, but he seems too young. Then again, Luke was playing high school-aged Dylan whilst in his late 20s/early 30s, so maybe when he actually was that age he looked like he was a tween? My second guess is the self tracheotomy guy (left photo in the bottom strip), though that might be the same guy. What do you all think? 

P.P.S.: Get it? Like the George Romero sequel?

  

Krokus, "School's Out"

Another School Year Bites the Dust  

THE VIDEO Krokus, "School's Out," Change of Address, 1985, Arista 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Schooooool's out! For! Summah! / Schoooooool's out! For! Evahhh!" 

THE VERDICT Ohhh Alice Cooper. Why couldn't you have made a video for this song? Sure, probably not back in the day, but why not even something more recent? I'd take anything to make me avoid Krokus. 

Oh Krokus. Why do you torture me so, with your refusal to write your own songs, and your dogged determination to make mediocre singles out of great ones? Sigh. But whatever, I'll take it, because indeed, school's (nearly) out for summer! Yes, I've still got grading to do, but I taught my last class of the year on Tuesday and people, I am stoked. I love teaching, but I am so ready for some time off from it. 

This song (well, the Alice Cooper version) is always on my mind this time of year. My one year-ending tradition is every year on the last day I go to campus I wear an ultra-cheesy Juicy Couture tee that says "School's Out for Summer" in giant, flocked navy blue letters (and yeah, the tee itself is like coral pink). And that concludes more detailed personal information than I've given you all about me in probably a year or so. 

Anyway! So Alice never made a video for this song, but of course Krokus made an abominably cheesy one. Luckily though, this video's actually pretty light on the Krokus, and heavier on everything else. Possibly 'cause they didn't want us to notice that the band appears to only own like one set of rock star clothing, and Marc Storace's fugly red unitard from "Burning Up the Night" is pretty distinctive. 

So anyway, we get way more plot (or well, "plot") in this video than we do footage of the band performing on a fake stage. Krokus basically take us to visit classrooms of many lands. We start off in an empty classroom, which becomes what I think of as the U.S. public school classroom in this video. Bored looking, mostly white teenagers dressed in the uniforms of various 80s subcultures (e.g. metal kids, valley girls), being lectured to by a youngish male teacher.

 

We also get what I assume is meant to be an Arab classroom — it's all male (teacher and students), and the students are all wearing robes and, in some cases, Muslim-style headdresses. Our other international classroom is I believe meant to be either China or Japan. My guess is China though, due to the very Communist Russia-looking outfits everyone has on and the spartan classroom. 

The last place we go is the one I think of as the prep school, which could be meant to be the U.S. again or, going with their international flavor, England. I call this one the prep school because these mostly white kids, in contrast to the first group, are in uniform — white shirts with little neckties. They're being taught by an old woman who waves a ruler at them while she speaks. I have to say here, I'm really surprised Krokus didn't go with a Catholic school for this one, and a full-on nun. It just seems like their style. 

Anyway, each classroom features one student who is wearing headphones and rocking out to Krokus — a metal guy in the public school, a boy air-drumming with rulers in the Arab school, a girl with two braids in the Asian school, and a blonde girl with one braid in the prep school. It takes a thought bubble over the head of a stoner-ish looking guy rocking indoor sunglasses in the public school though to transition us into seeing Krokus perform. 

As mentioned, Krokus are basically in their usual empty stage space. Bunch of lights, implied crowd at front, not a lot going on. They're all wearing their best white pleather, save for Storace's red polyester and Fernando Von Arb, who's wearing sort of lilac purple. They do lots of synchronized guitar waving while the different kids wearing headphones sing along with the verses. 

Oh yeah, the stoner kid also gives us the weirdest moment of the video. At one point, he's staring into space, looking at a supply closet-type thing on one side of the classroom. Suddenly, a woman in a black bikini appears lounging on top of it. She smiles and winks at him, and he pulls his sunglasses down, making a shocked face. Just as quickly, she disappears, and he breaks the fourth wall, giving the camera a "Did you just see that?!" face. So random.

 

The plot of the video, such as it is, is school letting out in each of these different classrooms. Every time this happens, chaos immediately ensues, and everyone throws their papers into the air (and sometimes even pushes their desks over). In the public school classroom, they even go so far as to grab the teacher and drag him out of there. 

Is this really what school letting out is like for anyone? It definitely wasn't for me. Sometimes I think I remember it happening, but I'm really just remembering the beginning of Dazed and Confused. I dunno, maybe it's 'cause I went to private school from seventh grade on, but I don't remember people being that excited when I was in public school either. 

For the first chorus, the public school and the Asian school let out. A trio of the public school girls (one wearing a Wham! "Choose Life" shirt) walking down some stairs sing the first round of "No more pencils, no more boo-ooks." They're followed by some of their rowdier classmates, carrying their struggling teacher. 

We then cut to fans watching Krokus perform — I believe we're meant to get that the kids from these different school scenes are then there watching Krokus, though I can only pick out kids from the public school and the prep school in the crowd sequences. Guess they didn't want people to think Krokus were too down with Arabs or (assuming it's China) communists. 

Ugh, Marc Storace. He barely gets out the line "we can't even think of a word that rhymes." And this red get-up is making him look even shorter. I almost feel bad for him when he does air guitar. He's sort of like the Michael Scott of heavy metal. Well, minus the likeability. But if it ever comes up, I could totally see him being played by Steve Carell. 

Okay, for the second chorus the Arab school and the prep school let out, and for the "No more pencils" bit, we get three prep school girls. As they leave the school, they remove their little neckties, causing Von Arb to blow a kiss. Ewww. 

The other students behind them seem much more orderly. No more teacher-kidnapping. We then go to some wide shots meant to imply it's a huge crowd watching Krokus perform. Krokus, I'm unconvinced. 

In short, Krokus, you are no Y&T when it comes to making funny high school videos. This gives me the idea though — I wish I were good at this kind of thing, but I know nothing about video editing. But it would be amazing to edit together all the nonexistent 80s teen movie bits from metal videos into some kind of amazing trailer for a metal 80s teen mega-movie. Dang, that would rule. 

Like I said, I don't have the editing chops to do it myself, but if anyone's up to the challenge, I'd be happy to consult.

Y&T, "Contagious"

It's Prom Season!  

THE VIDEO Y&T, "Contagious," Contagious, 1987, David Geffen Company SAMPLE LYRIC "(Ohhhh, ohhhh-ohhhh, ohhhhh, ohhhh) / Ooh, is gettin' dangerous, it's con-tayyyy-jus!" [Repeat repeatedly] 

THE VERDICT Now I know for people who are serious about their Y&T, Contagious is more or less the band's death rattle. But for people like me who are decidedly unserious, well — get ready for a shocker — I freakin' love this song. 

I know, right? Me? Y&T? Who'da thunk it? 

But apparently while a slick production, soaring vocals, and chanting don't work for Y&T diehards, for me it can't work better. I listen to this song all the time — it's a staple in all my workout mixes. I don't think they sound like Bon Jovi wannabes (Bon-nabes?) at all — I just think they sound hella good. 

And the video! Oh the video. This is truly Y&T at their finest. It's like they've taken all the elements of their previous videos — young protagonists, bad 80s movie feel, Airplane-esque sight gags, transformations, and so on — and melded them into one ultra, mega, mecha Y&T video. 

They really outdo themselves on this one, folks. And I love it. (I think for this whole post, just imagine me talking to you as if I were Will Ferrell doing James Lipton.) 

The video kicks off with a random kid riding a skateboard down the sidewalk, and then a shot of a slick-looking 80s guy in a tux cruising in a convertible (he's basically the James Spader of this video). The skateboarding kid (who's wearing a Y&T tee, btw) gives the convertible dude two thumbs up. As the guy stops in front of a little bungalow-style house, the non-Meniketti members of Y&T pop up for the first round of "Hey!"s. 

We then see James Spader's date — an attractive 80s blonde in a white strapless dress. You know the type — pearl necklace, french twist, hot in a bitchy way. Yes, she's more or less the Jessica Wakefield of this video.

The guys in Y&T smile and step away from the camera as she leaves her house. As Jessica leaves the frame, we get our first glimpse of the video's protagonist — a classic 80s movie nerd in a striped suit and heavy-framed, thick glasses.

 

Hmm, what should we call him... So many options for 80s movie nerds, from Revenge of the Nerds to Weird Science to... oh my gosh, you know what movie I watched the other day 'cause it was on Netflix Watch Instantly? Zapped, with Scott Baio. I forgot how amazingly weird that one is. It's sort of like a really non-scary horror movie that's kind of a comedy. 

Also, I think since previously I'd always watched it on the USA Network (always such a good source of bad teen movies during the daytime when you were on school breaks) I hadn't realized how much toplessness there is in it. Dude, there's a freakin' ton. 

All right, this nerd here is reminding me of Scott Baio, because he's got that "I'm not really a nerd, I am just being made to act and dress this way" vibe, so I'm inclined to call him Chachi. But I think that's too confusing, so let's just go with Screech. 

Screech swoons seeing Jessica all dolled up. Meanwhile, Y&T are lurking nearby, plotting something. We see Jessica leaving from what I assume is her house, while Screech (with his pants pulled up well past the navel) is leaving from a house next door labeled "Alpha Chapter Chess Club." Whatever Y&T, we get it, he's a nerd. No need to over-establish things here. 

Jessica hops into James Spader's car, and Screech (standing next to an old-school bicycle) waves enthusiastically at her from beside his porch. Jessica and Spader exchange a look, and she rolls her eyes. Screech becomes embarrassed, and the power couple drives off. This makes 3/4 of Y&T, who appear to have been hiding in the bushes the whole time, totally crack up. 

Screech takes off on his bike, but he's quickly stopped by Dave Meniketti himself grabbing his handlebars and singing in his face. They pull Screech off his bike (which one member of Y&T helpfully rolls out of the way), and at last, we've got all four guys in Y&T. 

Two drive up in a powder blue convertible (license plate 'SLICKER') while the other two toss Screech into the car. They drive off, with both guys in the front seat turning all the way around to continue singing at Screech, who's jammed in the middle of the backseat. Screech looks like he's gonna puke as they push and pull him while singing straight into his face. 

Oh, get ready for a Y&T silly visual gag — they drive past a bungalow house with a couple standing in front of it looking like Grant Wood's "American Gothic" (weirdly, this is so not the only metal video with an "American Gothic" reference). As the Y&T car rolls by, we see a flash of pink and green light, and then suddenly the farm couple have wild blown-out hair and sunglasses on, as if they were in an old Maxell ad. This makes Y&T crack up, but appears to terrify Screech. Y&T are supernatural!

 

And suddenly, we're at the prom. We get all these little random establishing shots which are great. Spader helps Jessica out of his car. A seriously MC Hammer-looking dude (he's got that weird tiny ponytail!) gets out of a Jeep Wrangler, while another couple walks by. 

Y&T pull up in front of a large banner that reads (in multi-colored block letters) "Warren G Harding Summer School Registration June 6th." They appear to be grabbing at something outside the car as they pull in. Then we see a random kid in a tux spraypainting the side of a dumpster, adding his tag before casually tossing the spraycan in the dumpster and being joined by his date. Seriously, can I watch this movie? 

Y&T hop out of their car, leaving a confused Screech behind. He fumbles his way out of the car, and the camera follows a couple's feet as they enter the school. They begin to climb stairs, while the camera goes under them, joining a dice game. Y&T join, and after Dave Meniketti rolls the dice, he then waves his hand again. A flash of light appears, and suddenly there are like two dozen dice, all sixes. 

The dudes who they seriously appear to have dressed as Run-DMC circa "My Adidas" appear nonplussed, while again Screech seems absolutely freaked out by Y&T's magic. (I'd also be remiss if I didn't mention that the dice players also include a white guy dressed as Ad-Rock in "(You Gotta) Fight for Your Right (To Party)", down to the red Stuyvesant t-shirt.)

Y&T bust into the prom, again pared down to a trio— what, did the director only let their drummer be in shots where he was sitting behind something? (The car, drumkit, etc.) That's cold. Oh no wait, there's four. Dang, did they get rid of their old drummer? (Again, this is how you know I'm no Y&T superfan.) 

They all sing enthusiastically. There's a dorky band playing onstage ("Yellow Tangerine," according to their bass drum) beneath a banner with what I assume is the prom's theme, "I did it my way." This repulses Y&T, and with an explosion of red light, they replace the band (and their banner and balloons, which gets switched to a Y&T banner). Y&T immediately commence rocking. 

Also yeah, this is totally a different drummer. I honestly hope that guy left the band for real, and they didn't just ditch the chubby guy they formerly had for this video (though if they had, it'd fit with the ethos of this video).

 

We see a couple of nerdy-ish guys enjoying the music, one dribbling a basketball. We also see a table of people watching, including I swear to god a guy who looks like their old drummer, who is holding a skateboard. I also enjoy the "surfer couple" — a blonde girl in a bikini top, sarong, and pukka shell necklace, and a blonde guy in just a white blazer (no shirt) and a similar necklace. Seriously, they could've stepped right out of "Party All Night." 

We can see balloons and streamers behind them, as well as a poster that says "Harding High School congratulates Dwayne Poindexter." Okay, I'm assuming that's Screech, but we can't see what he's being congratulated for. 

Ohh the next bit is classic Y&T video. We get a juxtaposition of first a quartet of nerdy, school-marmish women drinking from tea cups, and then a quartet of exaggerated biker types spiking the punch, with one woman taking a bite out of her cup and then spitting it out. 

We also see a couple of dudes in trench coats, hats, and sunglasses watching from the side — I'm not even sure what this is supposed to be. A new variety of nerd? Narcs? Principal? No idea. 

Jessica and James Spader walk through the room, and Screech tries to stop them. Spader soldiers on, but Jessica actually slows momentarily. Screech looks mortified and slinks away. We see many shots of Y&T chanting and rocking out, then another very Y&T gag — students dropping guns on a table in front of a man and a woman. At first it's hard to see, but there's a chalkboard to their right that says "Check your weapons here." 

There's also another congratulations sign behind the man at the table, but again, it's been placed too low to read what it's for. I don't know why they'd go to the trouble to make those signs and place them in the shots just to have them be obscured! 

The camera zooming into Meniketti's mouth tells us it is, indeed, "time to get wiiiiild." All the students at the prom jump up from their tables at once and begin enthusiastically dancing right in front of the stage (this shot was a bad idea — it's wide angle, and lets us see just how few people are actually there). I should also mention all Y&T's amps say "Y&T" on them. Not Marshall, not even Peavey. Just generic — oh, I mean, Y&T. Sure.

 

Screech makes a grab for Meniketti's guitar, and Dave waggles a "tsk-tsk" finger at him. He then points right at Screech. Screech spins around and slowly points at himself, and then poof! In a blast of gold light, he becomes transformed into an 80s movie hottie in a white tuxedo. He even winks right at us! 

Yes friends, Screech has become Zack Morris. Jessica is of course terribly impressed by this, while her date James Spader is much less so. Zack looks over at her all "How you doin'?" She seems amazed by this and hurries to his side. 

Zack then points again, and with a flash of green light turns Spader (or at least his head) into a cheap rubber mask monster. Meantime, Y&T are rocking hard, and Jessica is all over Zack. With the final round of "Hey!"s, Y&T take it over the top, while Jessica and Zack turn to us all slick in dark sunglasses. 

The moral of this video? Don't be yourself. Sure, they've got a lot of wacky Y&T stuff here, but come on — no robot?! This video has everything but the robot!! 

And weirdly, I feel like for me at least, this is the moral of this song — don't be yourself. Y&T stray from their straight-ahead rock roots and Def Lep it up, and I love it! 

This is, of course though, a really treacherous message. In both cases, you're giving up the affections of those who truly loved you for those of a hot, shallow girl who was previously only interested in making fun of you. It works in the short term, but as Y&T quickly found out, not in the long term. 

Honestly you guys, this video is like a vaguely supernatural version of Can't Buy Me Love wherein no one learns a valuable lesson about learning to be yourself, or even just about not whoring yourself out just to replace your mom's dress you accidentally spilled wine on. 

Britny Fox, "Girlschool"

I Don't Feel Tardy

THE VIDEO Britny Fox, "Girlschool," Britny Fox, 1988, Columbia

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "At the girrrrrrlschool / 'Cause my baybay broke all the rules! / At the girrrrrrrrrrrrrlschool / 'Cause my baybay broke all the rules"

THE VERDICT So, as I went to wrangle all the images for this week's post, suddenly Photoshop decides it doesn't want to open JPGs. In fact, it doesn't want to open anything except PSD's -- PhotoShop Documents. How much does this help me? Um, not at all. I tried every single fix I could find online, up to and including wiping all traces of it and then reinstalling Photoshop, and not one of them worked. Not one! Long story short, I had to upgrade, finally did, and boom, here I am. And only one day late!

Anyway, it's September again, and even though I personally don't have to go back to school for another month -- yes, be jealous -- it's back to school for pretty much everyone else. Hence, I've decided to highlight metal videos about school. You have to love metal videos about school: First, they're kitschy. Second, they often look like long-lost 80s movies that in fact never existed. But third, and decisively, they force bands to acknowledge the relative youthfulness of much of their core audience in a way that you almost never see happen outside of pop.

"Girlschool" (not to be confused with the band Girlschool) is no exception. The video kicks off with a bumbling janitor -- think Ernest Works for Minimum Wage (speaking of 80s movies that don't actually exist!) -- peeking into a classroom at an all-girls' school. The students are all wearing short-sleeved buttondown shirts and quite demure knee-length plaid skirts, letting us know there's more than just that "e" separating this Britny from that Britney.

In another feature particularly common to school-oriented videos -- cameos by minor celebs -- the class is totally being taught by a woman who I can't put my finger on it, but she's totally recognizable from 80s movies. She's not the lady who played the gym teacher in Porky's, but she's totally in that vein. She looks pleased with herself to be in this video, and I'm glad she's here too.



The camera follows several girls as they enter the classroom, and draws our attention to one girl, who's rocking a side ponytail and those wire and foam headphones absolutely no one has used since like 1992 -- the kind where at any volume, everyone can hear exactly what you're listening to. The teacher glares at her as she sits down, then goes back to writing "Classical music theory J.S. Bach" on the board.

A bit of googling tells us side pony is "lingerie and poster model" Kim Anderson, who also appears in "Patience" and "I Want Action" as well as... uh... one episode of Married With Children. Other auspicious roles include "porno actress" and "woman on street," as well as unverified uncredited performances on Baywatch. She is not to be confused with this Kim Anderson, whose aesthetic also permeates metal videos such as "Because the Night" and "Don't Close Your Eyes."

As the bell rings, the other girls open their books, while side pony hits play on her Walkman. This actually kicks off the song. The teacher whips her head around, spots side pony rocking out, and brandishes scissors. As soon as she cuts the cord running to her headphones however, the front of the classroom magically disappears and is replaced with Britny Fox performing on a soundstage.

The other girls' reaction shots are priceless. Side pony immediately starts jumping up and down while the teacher glares at her. A later shot reveals that though the teacher can hear the music, she can't see the band -- when she turns around, the blackboard reappears. See kids? School. That's where the magic happens.



Why didn't Britny Fox catch on? Well, watching the band for a minute gives you some clues. Dean Davidson might sound like a poor man's Tom Keifer, but he looks like Steven Tyler as drawn by Jack Davis. Even though it was the 80s, this isn't a good thing. Britny Fox fall into the metal typology of "frilly" bands -- arguably, they define the category. But the thing is, these lads don't have the looks or the chops to pull off all this lace.

At least in my opinion. These schoolgirls disagree. As the song progresses, they get wilder and wilder, tossing their hair about, knotting their shirts up, and dancing like crazy. It's like an all-girl, glitter-less version of the final scene in Footloose. By the first chorus, they've all transformed from completely buttoned-up, demure little things who barely look fifteen, to the kind of gals who probably would hang around the Britny Fox tour bus. Well, hotter versions of those girls.

Also, they've magically gotten accessories. Somehow, they've all managed to add colorful gloves, studded belts, and numerous bracelets to their previously staid ensembles. The teacher struggles to get them to sit down, but they won't have any of it.

Instead, they listen to Dean, who leers "you're staying after schooooool" to kick off the guitar solo, which features Michael Kelly Smith standing on top of the teacher's desk. He looks like an ugly version of Steve Whiteman with extremely fried hair. Why he ditched Cinderella to join a band that sounds like a watered-down version of Cinderella... I don't know. I guess it's sort of the opposite of doing what everyone who got really famous did, i.e. leaving London.



Following the solo, things get even more frenzied. The teacher gets into it, waving her arms and high-fiving the girls, even letting down her hair. There's much head-banging and face-making on everyone's parts. The song ends abruptly, and the teacher acts super-surprised by this. All the girls smile at her knowingly, then she sort of nods at them.

And then what? Do they all just finish class with wild hair and wilder accessories? Or does everyone start re-braiding and peeling off their colorful gloves? I want to know more. Much, much more.

I mean face it, this largely okay-ish song is really just screaming to have been made into a plotless, full-length feature 80s teen sex comedy a la Private School. Then we could get a big finale scene of everyone getting involved in some crazy caper. Maybe they could bring back in that janitor from the first scene. Or Rodney Dangerfield. Or even a zany-graduation-antics scene. I'll take anything!

And don't worry -- I'll get my images game in order early for next week, so hopefully this won't happen again. I know this was WAY too many pictures for how much I actually had to say about this video this week, but once I finally got Photoshop up and running again, I was just a little too excited to be able to have pictures. And come on, even if the song isn't that great, this video is pretty dang entertaining.

Twisted Sister, "I Wanna Rock"

We Don't Need No Education

THE VIDEO Twisted Sister, "I Wanna Rock," Stay Hungry, 1984, Atlantic Records

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "I wanna rock! [ROCK!] / I want to rock! [ROCK!] / I wanna rock! [ROCK!] / I want to rock! [ROCK!]"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION We briefly see a classroom filled with kids talking loudly and throwing paper at each other, then cut to a pair of legs clad in slacks and men's dress shoes striding in authoritatively (the sounds of the kids' ruckus still audible throughout, along with the sound of the shoes hitting the linoleum). Suddenly, all the kids stop what they're doing and face the camera, and one kid runs through the room to grab his seat.

The camera pans up from the feet as the teacher makes it to the front of the room, and in addition to the fact that he's wearing a suit and bowtie, we also recognize that its Niedermeyer, the mean ROTC dude from Animal House. He smiles maliciously at the students. He says "hello, students" and snaps his fingers, making (from the sound of it) a door close and all of the kids sit straight up in their seats.

Taking off his jacket, he continues, "School has begun. The summer is over. I am in command." The students all groan and look down, and he says, "What was that? For that little outburst each and every one of you will spend three hours in detention, today, immediately after school, in the basement." The volume of his voice increases as he speaks, and he begins to walk up one of the aisles between the desks.

He stops beside one desk, and we see him looking incredulous. "What do you think you're doing?" Then we see a chubby rocker kid, with longish brown hair and a jean jacket, looking sheepish. The teacher holds up a hardcover book on which the kid has just scrawled a large "TS" Twisted Sister logo. Continuing to look stunned, the teacher says "Twisted Sister?" He then begins to get pretty histrionic, while the kid nervously looks on. "What kind of a man desecrates a defenseless textbook? I've got a good mind to slap your fat face." With that last line, the teacher, now obviously sweating, grabs the kid's cheek in his hand.



The teacher continues on, now yelling hysterically. "You are destroying your life with that, that garbage. All right, 'Mister Sister,' I want you to tell me, no, better yet, stand up, and tell the class," as he pulls him to his feet. "Whatta you wanna do with your life?" The kid, standing there all pitifully, suddenly cries out in the voice of Dee Snider, "I wanna rock!" and with the first chorus of "rock!" spontaneously transforms into Dee Snider, just as four of his classmates instantly appear as the other members of the band. This causes the teacher to be blasted upward, out of his shoes (which we quickly see on the ground, smoking). His head breaks through to the floor above, which is apparently the gymnasium -- as he looks befuddled, a basketball bounces just in front of his head.

He continues to make panicky faces, and a basketball player (who we see only as a pair of legs) appears in front of him, dribbling a ball. Meanwhile, back in the classroom all the kids have left, and Twisted Sister have made their way to the front of the room, where they grab the teacher's wildly kicking legs. They push him up through the hole in the ceiling, and we see him fly through the air in the gym.

We actually hear him yelling, even though the song has begun. The teacher flies through the basket, taking the net and rim down with him, and we see the scoreboard give Twisted Sister two points (for those keeping score, its Twisted Sister 02, Teacher 00). The teacher, with the net and rim twisted around his head, makes a growly face.



As the first verse begins, we're outside the school where we see a guy laying cement (surely, that won't come into play later!). In the background, we can see a group of people advancing (the video's too poorly lit to really see who it is). For the first big "No!" we see a concert-style shot of a bunch of kids shouting along, then we see Dee in full makeup for his first big "nono, nono, nooo." Okay, now that the people are getting closer, we can see that it's Twisted Sister along with a bunch of fist-shaking kids walking forward. The guy laying cement stops what he's doing to gesture to them to stop.

Then we cut to the teacher, who's up on the roof of this sort of breezeway thing. He sees the crowd coming and looks back with a devious expression. He then crawls toward the other side of the roof. For the second round of "no"s, we're back at the concert again, first seeing Dee, then A.J. Pero, then J.J. French, then Dee again, showing off his pasty midriff. As we launch into the chorus, the teacher jumps off the roof at the kids running by below. Of course, though, he jumps straight into the wet cement that they're all running past.

Dee opens chainlink doors, then we see the teacher lift his cement-covered face with an annoyed look. We then see kids yelling "rock!" along with the chorus. There's one really overexcited blonde kid wearing studded wristcuff-style things who is kind of amazing. They all rock out, and we cut between them and Twisted Sister, who are there with them. We then see the teacher sneaking out toward them, holding a grenade. Smiling, he pulls out the pin, and then throws the pin so it lands right at Dee's feet.

We now see a shot that shows us that all the kids are sitting in bleachers beside a pool, with the band standing in front of them with their backs to the pool. The second verse begins, with Dee and kids singing enthusiastically, then we see the teacher grinning. He holds his hands to his ears waiting for the explosion, then realizes that in one hand, he's holding not the pin but the grenade. He looks over at the grenade in horror. After seeing Dee sing, we then see the teacher trying desperately to throw the grenade away, but for some reason it is stuck to his hand.

As the second chorus begins, with Dee crawling through the railing around the bleachers and the kids in the audience enthusiastically headbanging, the teacher jumps into the pool. On the second "I wanna rock!" we see the explosion lifting him straight up out of the pool with water going everywhere, even though when we see the band the pool water behind them is absolutely placid. The teacher's ascent is stopped by the diving board, which he sort of ricochets off with the bottom of with his head.



For the bridge, Dee & Co. go back inside the school, and now on the "rock!"s we see a line of kids banging their heads into lockers. These are interspersed with shots of Twisted Sister coming down the hallway. We then see the teacher making wily faces, and he starts to sneak through a door holding several sticks of dynamite (we saw him just a few seconds before setting up the detonator thing). As Jay Jay kicks into the guitar solo, we see the teacher crawling along the ground holding the dynamite in his mouth.

In the meantime, a butterfly is buzzing around the uh… I don’t know the word for this… the t-shaped bar you push down on to make the trigger the explosion. It's marked "danger." We see the teacher crawling behind Jay Jay's legs, placing him now somehow onstage behind the band. But outside, the butterfly has settled on the t-shaped thing, and its delicate weight is enough to push it in. The dynamite of course explodes, and the teacher is blasted straight up in the air in a giant plume of smoke. Somehow, this also causes the butterfly to explode (or at least, its wings to snap off).

The teacher is caught by people in the crowd, and the band continue to rock out. The crowd pump their fists with every "rock!" We then see the teacher crawling down one of the school's hallways. He opens a door marked "Principal" and crawls into an office as we see each member of the band yelling "rock!" The teacher pulls himself up on the desk, and the person at the chair behind the desk spins around. It's Flounder, the fat pledge from Animal House. He gleefully says, "Oh boy, is this great!" then sprays the disheveled-looking teacher in the face with a seltzer bottle.



THE VERDICT It's weird how many battles Twisted Sister felt they had to fight, since they're so patently inoffensive. Yes, wearing makeup in a most unattractive way is odd, but it in no way marks them as offensive in the way that the bikini-clad strippers and casual pseudo-occultism of other bands' videos might to some eyes. Never the less, Dee Snider in particular has always been willing to fight for rock, as a mostly self-appointed spokesperson for the metal genre.

It seems a lot of people at the time were not that into him as a voice for metal, but at the same time, you didn't see most of those lads testifying before the Senate, did you (you did however see Frank Zappa and uh, John Denver -- and no, for the record, I'm not happy about having to link to a site that bills itself as a "a conservative news forum," but it was the only place I could find the excerpt -- and honestly whatevs, because Dee has since gone on to make peace with Al Gore).

While I don't always agree with Dee's opinions on things, I will say that he is much more well-spoken than many of these folks as well as being a very thoughtful person, so its not surprising he puts himself into the positions. Hey, he was also the host of the original rock program on MTV, Heavy Metal Mania, which eventually got turned into Headbanger's Ball (sans Dee).

It is weird though that people would go after Twisted Sister, and the fact that they did has got to be all about the makeup. Everything else about them is very, well, teenage, for lack of a better word. Actually, pre-teen. The majority of their hit songs are pretty much about rock, rocking, and one's rights thereto. Their two most famous songs, this one and "We're Not Gonna Take It" are both basically about the struggle between headbangers and various authorities over the right to play music loudly (whether you're the one actually holding the guitar or you're just playing it over a stereo). Both feature almost exactly the same plot, with a hapless young male turning into Dee Snider and the dude from Animal House (in this video as a teacher, in the other as a father) attempting to thwart the band's rocking.

Both videos are very intentionally cartoonish. I have heard Dee Snider say multiple times that they wanted the videos to seem like Roadrunner and Wile E. Coyote cartoons, and they definitely succeed in that. Honestly, practically the only difference is that we don't see Neidermeyer receiving all his bombs and stuff in big boxes labeled "Acme." They aren’t really violent (they’re actually a lot less violent than the Roadrunner cartoons). They’re basically fun, and definitely made to appeal to a young audience (the kid in this video looks 16 max, the kid in "We're Not Gonna Take It" looks significantly younger, maybe 14).

If I had been the PMRC (shudder, shudder) would I have been worried about the youth of America listening to Twisted Sister? No. Yes, all their songs are about rebellion, but only in a very mild sense. They seem really to be more about affirming the unity of the people listening to the music than genuinely plotting the overthrow of those who would make them "turn it down." "We're Not Gonna Take It" made the "Filthy Fifteen" for its "violence." But bear in mind that Madonna's "Dress You Up" also made it on for "sex"! Trust me, there are much more lewd innuendoes out there than "gonna dress you up in my love."

It's like once they'd made it past W.A.S.P. and Prince and his army of protégés (Prince, Sheena Easton, and Vanity all made the list with easily the dirtiest lyrics of the bunch -- the Prince song, "Darling Nikki," is anecdotally the one that started the whole mess. If only Kristen and Karenna hadn't had that copy of Purple Rain, America might be safe for rock!).

Okay, wait, I am getting off track. Point is, it's like they were looking for anyone to fill out the rest of that list just so they could keep the alliteration going (I guess "Filthy Five" didn't sound threatening enough). I guess the idea of the youth of America putting on blush and eyeliner was enough to make this band scary. It's weird to me because to my mind, hell-o, it's totally possible for guys to look hot in makeup, just look at Poison. But then again, other bands… I guess maybe we should be glad Iron Maiden never recorded a song called "Can I Play with Gender?"

Van Halen, "Hot for Teacher"

School Daze

THE VIDEO Van Halen, "Hot for Teacher," 1984, 1984, Warner Brothers

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "I've got it baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad / got it baaaaaaaaaaad / got it baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad / I'm hot for teach-ah!"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION A mom with a bad 80s perm and big dorky sunglasses leans down toward the camera (she's shot from beneath, a rooftop and a palm tree are silhouetted in the background). She's sort of "hmm"ing to herself and laughing in this weird way as we hear screams and gunshots in the background. The viewpoint switches to over her shoulder, and we see her straightening the hair of a mega-dorky kid wearing a button down shirt, a knit vest, a bowtie, and the same giant glasses. Her fingers smoothing down his hair make an excruciatingly loud sound.

Mom: Sweet, sweet Waldo…

The camera switches back to the previous angle, and the mom points a finger and says…

Mom: Now Waldo, I hope you find some friends this year.

She begins polishing his glasses with the hem of her shirt, while he speaks (as a voiceover -- his lips don't actually move. He has the voice of an adult nerd, not a kid.)

Waldo: Aw mom, ya know I'm not like other guys. I'm nervous and my socks are too loose.

The mom keeps sort of oohing and aahing to herself the whole time he's speaking, and as he puts his arms out to either side in desperation a school bus pulls up and he backs into its open door. The kids on the bus are all going absolutely apeshit and having a wild paper fight, and the driver -- Mr. David Lee Roth -- turns to face the camera, grinning maniacally. He points at Waldo and gestures backward, saying, "Siddown, Waldo!"

Waldo gets on the bus looking hella nervous, and as the kids on the bus all turn to see him they stop what they're doing and stare. The drums that begin the song are just getting loud as the bus door closes. As the bus pulls away, we see Waldo pressed up against its back window, screaming plaintively.



The next shot is just amazing. I feel like it is a lost scene from some 80s teen movie (although these kids are a lot younger). The camera pans left to right across a row of kids sitting bored in a classroom. The first kid has spiky bleach blonde hair and is wearing tinted glasses with weird frames. Next up is an amazing looking girl with long dark hair wearing big sunglasses with what look like neon frames, then a pudgy boy with a Mohawk that's been shaped into a sort of fountain on top of his head which he's staring up at. The girl next to him, who's also kinda pudgy and has giant curly hair, is also looking at it.

We then get two boys wearing flannel shirts and bandannas tied around their foreheads, the one on the left (who's wearing sunglasses), gestures and whispers something to the other boy. They're followed by two amazing looking girls, both of whom look very bored and have on heavy makeup and giant, teased 80s hair. The one on the left just looks down, the one on the right (who's also wearing a studded leather cuff) is teasing her hair out even more. The last kid is, of course, a twitchy Waldo.

Next we get our first glimpses at the mini Van Halen boys. All are posed in a dark room with some smoky light filtering in. First we have Diamond Dave and Little Diamond Dave. Little Dave is sitting at a desk, and Dave is leaning against a ladder. We then see all the kids sitting in the classroom looking bored at their desks, from overhead. Then we meet Alex Van Halen and little Alex. Little Alex is standing with his arms crossed, and Alex is smoking and sitting in a backwards-turned chair. More bored kids.

Next is Michael Anthony and Little Michael. Little Michael is sitting on a stool, and Michael is standing behind one. They're the first pair that are dressed exactly the same, and both have their arms crossed. Little Michael pulls a toothpick out of his mouth and tosses it offscreen. More bored kids, but Little Van Halen are now clearly visible sitting in one of the middle rows of the classroom. Last, we have Eddie Van Halen and Little Eddie. Both are sitting on the edges of school desk and holding guitars.

As the intro to the song ends, we see Waldo wiping his brow, sitting at a desk in an empty classroom. He grips the edges of the desk and looks around, and we see him from a bunch of different angles. As DLR yells, "Ooh-ooh!" (the response to his question, "So what do you think the teacher's gonna look like this year?"), Little Van Halen jump out of their seats in enormous excitement.



Suddenly we switch from black and white to color as a short-haired blonde wearing a blue string bikini, a tiara, heels, and a pink sash that reads "Miss Chemistry" jumps from behind a glittery silver curtain of streamers which has been hung from the ceiling at the front of the classroom (you can see the chalkboard behind it), with footlights visible in the foreground. She begins to parade across the stage carrying a little scepter (to go with the tiara, one supposes), and Little Eddie and Little Michael, having run to the front of the room, show a level of excitement that makes me feel a little uncomfortable.

Michael is onstage sitting on a stool announcing over a microphone (though he's just dressed in street clothes, nothing special) while Miss Chemistry trots around, and Little Dave gleefully throws handfuls of confetti into the air. Michael nearly falls off his stool following her with his eyes, and Little Michael makes an aside to Little Alex, who removes his sunglasses and whistles (honestly, these kids were not bad actors). The curtain is mostly gone now, so she's walking back and forth in front of the chalk board, which has random numbers written on it.

For "don't wanna be no uptown fool," we're back in black and white, and Dave is right in close to the camera on the right. Little Dave and a girl are visible sitting around in the background on the left. The camera pans from the ground up the legs of the same teacher from before, now dressed in heels, stockings, a short tight skirt, a wide belt, and a white buttondown shirt with a little tie. She's sort of leaning over a desk at the front of the room.

It then turns around and we see between the desks of Waldo and one of the cool girls, where in the next row Little Eddie and Little Michael are leaning against each other bored. Eddie jumps up from behind them, pushing their heads apart and singing "teacher needs to see me after scho-ool."

The camera then follows the teacher's butt and legs as she walks between the desks, and from the left Dave sings "but then my homework…," and then on the right, Little Dave mirrors him, singing "… was never quite like thi-i-is." The teacher leans against her desk at the front of the room, and Eddie is visible standing beside the blackboard.

Suddenly in color (and beneath a disco ball), Michael, Alex, and Eddie (left to right) begin doing a dance in orange tuxes and sunglasses, and Dave swings in on the right wearing the same outfit and singing and doing a more elaborate version of the same dance. Now as for me, I love this part of the video (clearly, because I love David Lee Roth), but for others, I understand how you could watch this and be like, "so that's why they kicked him out."

When the chorus ends, we're back in black and white and we next see Waldo from above getting his tray in a filthy cafeteria, with the real Van Halen sitting on some kind of elevated thing (possibly a salad bar) in the background. Waldo turns every which way with his tray, unsure where to go, when suddenly the camera faces Little Van Halen.

Little Michael leans in and says, "Hey, I heard you missed us," and Little Eddie says, "we're back." We then jump back to the shot of Waldo sitting nervous at the desk, then Little Alex leans way in, and, demonstrating, says, "I've got my pen-cilll." We see Waldo, then Little Dave, who now has on a big white hat and really bizarre 80s sunglasses, chimes in with, "gimme something to write on!" We briefly see all the kids sitting down in the cafeteria, but before we can do much a much less teacherly-looking woman with lots of eyeliner and teased bleach blonde hair, wearing a patterned, loose minidress type of thing, steps forward.



And of course, as she tears it off, revealing half a blue bikini, a pink cropped tank top thing, and a blue sash that reads "Phys Ed," we're back in color, as all the kids jump up and a spotlight highlights the teacher. She dances around, swinging the dress over her head and tossing it into the crowd. We see her from above and underneath, then we see Dave very close to the camera on the left (wearing one of my favorite outfits of his, a bandanna and a bunch of bangle bracelets), and the stripper… uh, make that teacher, going nuts in the background with the very appreciative Little Van Halen crowded by her feet. We then randomly see Miss Chemistry again. Phys Ed is now on her knees, and Michael, now in the foreground, looks over his shoulder at the camera and sings "how did you know the golden ru-ule?"

Dave, in a brownish tuxedo, stands on the stage with the lights and silver curtain holding a pad and sings, "I think of all the education that I missed" then throws the pad off camera, grabbing Miss Chemistry for "but then my homework was never quite like thi-ii-iis." He dips her and smiles mischieviously at the camera. All the Van Halen boys then dance beneath the disco ball again for the chorus.

For the solo, we first see Little Eddie sitting at one end of a long library table holding a guitar (in black and white, p.s.). Eddie steps over him and walks down the length of the table while playing, stepping over books and papers and passing Little Michael and Little Alex about halfway and Little Dave toward the end, where he leans down and gives us mad guitar face. Ed then continues the solo on the silver curtain stage in a brown tux (in color, obviously), with the other three members of the band behind him. We finish the solo in B&W, as Ed then walks down the same library table again, this time with no one there till he reaches the end of the table and finds a very sweaty Waldo gripping the edges of the table and grimacing before two large, open books.

Next we see the members Van Halen and Little Van Halen sitting together in a cobweb-covered jail cell patrolled by a big-haired babe with a whip. Dave pops up in front holding an hourglass and says, "Aw man, I think the clock is slooow." The babe bares her teeth, and Little Dave pops up and says, "I don't feel tardy" before the babe pushes him back down again. We then see Waldo standing, super-sweaty, with a look of panic on his face, then Dave (with the jailer posing seductively behind him) yells, "class dis-missed!"

With much exuberance, we return to color as Little Van Halen burst out of the front doors of the school, followed by lots of other students. A banner over the door reads "graduation." They sort of high five each other as DLR pulls up in a …I have no idea what kind of car this would be, I'll be honest. Halfway between a like 1920s car and a hot rod (the engine is exposed). It's a yellow convertible with "Hot for Teacher" painted in red on the back and a little sign beside the license plate that says "VH." Dave puts out his hand to gesture them to get into the car, and he high-fives Little Dave, who sits behind him. They peel out and drive off.



The video concludes with brief shots of each adult band member that turn into stills with words over the screen. Each tells us what the members of Van Halen have wound up doing with themselves.

First Alex, dressed as a doctor and adjusting a stethoscope around his neck (but still smoking), turns toward the camera, and we learn "ALEX WENT ON TO BECOME DR. VAN HALEN Gynecologist, Los Angeles, CA."

Michael faces off against a sumo wrestler, and as he gets ready to throw his opponent down we learn, "MICHAEL ANTHONY IS CURRENTLY A CHAMPION SUMO WRESTLER IN TOKYO, JAPAN."

Next we see Eddie sitting in front of a tv in a straitjackets while an orderly leads another patient by behind him and another one sits on a bed. As the camera focuses in on him, we can read that. "EDWARD VAN HALEN IS TEMPORARILY 'RELAXING' IN BELLEVUE MENTAL WARD AND MAKING PROGRESS."

Waldo, still tiny and possibly even still a kid, stands beside a super fancy car which has his name written on the spare tire (it's one of those cars where there's a spare on the running board). He's wearing a big fur jacket and takes off a wide-brimmed white hat. Three ZZ Top video-looking women stand arrayed about him, and it says, giving us a black and white inset picture of Waldo, "NO ONE'S REALLY SURE WHAT BECAME OF WALDO AFTER GRADUATION."

Last, we see Dave spinning a giant glittery wheel beneath a flashing sign that reads "20 BILLION JACKPOT" while a lady in a glittering black dress looks on and an Ernest-looking guy behind a music stand jumps up and down excitedly. Dave freaks out and jumps around excitedly, and the last thing we learn is that "DAVID LEE ROTH WENT TO HOLLYWOOD AND BECAME AMERICA'S FAVORITE T.V. GAME SHOW HOST." Not that far from the truth, honestly. The boys, in their tuxes, take a sort of bow, to much applause.

THE VERDICT Now, I sing this song karaoke a lot, and no one seems to agree on the lyrics. Have we "got it bad" or have we "got it made"? The world may never know. And what is that random interjection toward the beginning? Is it just DLR whooping with glee? Or is it, as many crappy lyrics sites would have it, "my butt!" Much confusion. Nevertheless, "Hot for Teacher" remains a pre-eminent sing-along song, and nothing, not even it's notorious connection to Varsity Blues can take that away from it. It still rocks.

In spite of the fact that I basically hate kids, I've got to admit that I'm a sucker for videos where random little kids play adult musicians. I can't think of many more examples than this one (except for a vague recollection of their being a video where the Notorious B.I.G. and Sean Puffy, among others, are played by kids). Possibly it's not the kid component at all, it's just the idea of getting to dress up as the members of Van Halen and do as they do. Clearly, the stylist on this video was a frickin' genius. The logic these kids' parents used in allowing them to participate in this video, slightly more fuzzy.

None the less, we must thank them, because without their showbiz moms and dads-style instincts we wouldn't have this video. I remember seeing this on Pop-Up Video (try to imagine how much I miss that show. Just try.), and I feel like the pop-ups dealt with that issue somewhat. Anyway, point is, a lot happens in this video, but I don't feel tremendously qualified to comment. Although really it's just that writing that crazy intense description took a hella long time, and now I'm kinda "Hot for Teacher"-ed out.