Mötley Crüe, "Looks That Kill"

Possibly the Quintessential 80s Metal Video

THE VIDEO Mötley Crüe, "Looks That Kill," Shout at the Devil, 1983, Elektra

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "She's got the looks that kill! / that kiiiiiiiiiii-iiiiillllllllllllllllllll / she's got the looks that kill! / that kiiiiiiiiiii-iiiiillllllllllllllllllll / [she's! got! the! looks! that kill! / she's! got! the! looks! that kill!]"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION Wide-eyed women dressed in pseudo-futuristic cave gear appear behind a wall of rock. They look back and forth rapidly in a manner similar to that of my dog when she thinks I might drop food, then begin to climb over the wall. Clad in rags, the two (a brunette followed by a blonde) join several more in a small, rocky clearing and appear ready to begin some kind of interpretive dance.

We cut away from them to see the four members of the Crüe, backlit and holding torches which then spark and light themselves. As the torches begin to burn, we see the light reflected on the faces of the women, who begin to panic. Okay, or make panicked expressions. The Mötley boys break from their poses and bring the torches down lower (lighting their faces a little) and begin waving them around. This causes the women to break it down like a bunch of Sarah Lawrence dance majors, if you see what I'm saying. They all stand together in a group and collapse while making jazz hands. As they do so, the camera zooms up and right toward a particular blonde.

Nikki Sixx walks down a hallway that's part rock, part the kind of railing used in high schools and Miami condos. Cut to Vince Neil, seen almost over the shoulder as he checks out some rocks with his torch. Next Tommy Lee, who appears to be somewhere a bit darker and spookier, kind of swivels his hips and makes an assertive hand gesture. Mick Mars, as per usual, gets the shaft.

Turns out Tommy was signaling the rest of the gang to wave their torches at the ladies, causing them to scatter somewhat artfully. Nikki squats and brandishes his torch as the women scream, Vince keeps them moving, then Tommy performs a lift with an especially supply young lass, spinning her around on his hip a la Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing.

As the Crüe advance, even Mick gets in on the action. They eventually corral the women into a well, corral and continue holding up their torches while they fence them in. For reasons unclear, we then watch each torch being carefully secured to a fencepost.



Their audience in place, the boys proceed to rock. First we see Vince, looking the fittest he's ever looked in his life. It's not just the painted-on lavender cheekbones, in this rare case Neil is actually in fantastic shape. He's wearing a Mötley Crüe headband in his platinum locks, some kind of studded choker, and a silver and red studded um... it looks like a shoulder holster. He also has on many studded arm and wristbands plus little black fingerless gloves.

We check out Tommy briefly and next clearly see Nikki, in that classic shot of him rolling his head back and bugging his eyes out. He's wearing a skinny black headband plus a black studded dog collar, and he's also got on big earrings with crosses hanging from them and red and white cords of some description coming out of his hair. His top is very Road Warriors and also very The Road Warrior, with spiky shoulder pads and ripped stockings on his arms. He's got on his classic Shout at the Devil makeup too, with black streaks across both cheeks and red lips. The more faces he makes, the more dry ice they pile on behind him.

Next we see Mick. His hair is teased to perfection as he brandishes his guitar, and he's wearing a black shiny shirt with torn up sleeves. He also has on a headband (red, to match his lips), and extra-creepy fake cheekbones drawn on. Then we finally sort of clearly see Tommy. He's headbanging away so he's a little hard to make out, but he's wearing a red and black striped studded shirt, a white headband, lots of makeup (eyeliner, lipstick, and the requisite bdouble cheek stripe).

The women look on in agony, one of them even bent over on the ground. The camera zooms in on her dirty hand, then moves over to some reflective liquid above which stand the Crüe, who are all wearing high-heeled boots a la Kiss. The camera moves upward till Nikki, Vince, and Mick (all singing) come more clearly into view. The camera then pulls back, revealing that they're playing in a rubble-strewn, concrete area bounded by fog and what looks like gasoline spilled on the ground but is probably just paint or something.

Vince writes around almost stripper-like, enjoying his fleeting hotness, as the band rocks out. The camera then pans up Nikki as he bangs his head, showing off his torn-to-pieces black shirt. Very bondage chic. Vince does a very David Lee Roth-esque spin, then as he sings "the clock strikes midnight," Tommy hits a big bell. We watch Tommy drum very enthusiastically for a moment, then see Nikki making more cool faces.



After a shot of Tommy from above, Vince sets aside his mic and he, Nikki, and Mick approach the cage. They taunt the women and again, the gals make the faces my dog makes while I'm eating popcorn. Vince regains his mic as a wind machine kicks up, and a better shot of Mick than we had before reveals that he's also wearing some serious leather strappage. Vince sticks his face in the cage, which makes them go nuts, and Nikki vamps some more.

Suddenly, a big square thing appears, surrounded by tons of fog. The wind blows back Vince's majestic mane and causes tumbleweed to roll across the ground. Blocks of crap fall out of the sky, and a piece of fabric falls onto one of the women's face. Lights flash as all the women in the cage thrash about, then as one of them looks up, screaming, the block begins to fall away to reveal... Tia Carrere! No, it's Kimora Lee Simmons!

No, I don't know who it is, but basically it's like the queen babe. She has giant black hair and is wearing an enormous headpiece, a costume that reminds me of the one chick in He-Man, and is carrying a large shield. She also has like a crossbow type thing attached to her left arm. The band backs off and the women scream as she jumps down and poses. She uses her wrist thing to shoot a ton of sparks at the band, but Mick catches it with his guitar.

This greatly displeases the babe leader, and she makes a scary face. Mick, however, makes the most guitar face I've ever seen him make. Next, the babe pulls one of the torches off of the fence, throwing it onto a pile of rocks which it inexplicably ignites. She then sets the other women free, and they jump off and frolic about like extras in Cats. Nikki makes guitar faces in front of the fire, but it's all in vain, they've already been freed.

Two of the women kneel and hand their leader her shield. They then run away modern-dance style as she raises her wrist thing again. Before she can hit them though, Tommy's bass drum launches a giant spinning pentagram at her. It lands in the middle of her shielf, causing all of its points to shoot out sparks. As the sparks die, Vince tries to approach her but she shuns his advances. She looks over her shoulder coyly and leads him to wall, which she leans against, but when he tries to put his hand to her face she jerks away from him and smacks him in the face.

She saunters away and winds up in a room with a black and pink floor and walls on either side of foot-long spikes with lots and lots of fog coming out between them. Nikki and Tommy appear on either side of her, blocking her way out, but then she lays back on the spikes. As they reach in and grab her, she sinks into the spikes then slides down, evading their grasp. They turn and look after her as she crouches and then leaps sideways on all fours.



She then looks surprised, and we see Mick making a scream-y face, then Tommy looking pensive, then Vince pouting, and lastly Nikki bugging his eyes. Yes, it's move Poison will perfect -- showing every member of your band just when the video's about to end in a 'meet the band' sequence -- and yes, I frickin' love it. We then go from Nikki playing to Tommy drumming to Vince and Mick singing (even though he gets cut out of a lot of the action in this video, Mick still is like 10x as active in this video as he is in any other Crüe vid).

From overhead, we see the boys all join hands, encircling the head babe. They raise their fists, causing blue light and white smoke to pour in. The band are immersed in both momentarily, then their images fade away to reveal a flaming pentragram on the ground. The pentagram continues to glow as we see Nikki and Vince singing, then we begin zooming in toward it as we see Tommy drumming and finally, Vince and Mick singing before the screen behind the pentagram goes black.

THE VERDICT Clearly, I needed an antidote to my recent overexposure to Winger, and what better solution than some SATD-era Mötley Crüe. It's the best of times, isn't it? They still retain the all red and black leather all the time look of Too Fast For Love, but their signature sound is fully in place. So hot. I mean, they look great up until about "Dr. Feelgood," but this is definitely their best. And honestly, I find the pseudo-satanic thing suits them well. It's a little bit badass, but since they don't take it as far as W.A.S.P., it's just a style thing, not a way of life.

And this video has it all. Women are imprisoned, then attack. Costumes reference both Les Mis and Mad Max, two heavy metal classics. Also, tbe fight scene where their music helps them launch their attack is incomparable. I love it!

Not to mention the women in the video. I don't know who was directing them, but props to that person. Compared to these gals, the extras in "Rock You Like a Hurricane" were frickin' asleep. Between all the wild eyes, the jazz hands, and the ballet-inspired leaping about, there's nothing these girls can't do. I hope they at least got to make out with P.A.'s.

Winger, "Miles Away"

Stewart Wore That Shirt for a Reason

THE VIDEO Winger, "Miles Away," In the Heart of the Young, 1990, Atlantic

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Miles away! / no you're never turning back / and I just can't waaaayyy-aaait anyyyymore [whoa-oh!] / Miles away! / nothin' left of what we had / just whennn I neeeeeded you most / you were miles awaaaaaaaa-aaaay"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION Kip Winger stares mournfully. A woman eats alone. A dude uh... washes his hair. All in glorious black and white. Yes, I hope you're ready for a whole fistful of Winger.

As a leather-jacketed, hairy-chested, precisely-stubbled Kip begins to sing (with shimmering water in the background), we are introduced to the video's plot. As Kip's visage flickers in and out, a foxy brunette pouts pensively alone at a table. She refolds a letter as the showering dude closes his eyes and makes an agonized face. After we see Kip looking more like that dude from Beauty and the Beast (the 80s show with Linda Hamilton, not the Disney movie) and we have a glance at Paul Taylor (sorry, the most relevant link for this poor fool was so nonsensical I simply had to include it), she puts the letter aside and gets up from the table.

As the dude continues massaging his scalp in the shower, she tosses on a leather jacket over her lacy camisole. Kip and Rod Morgenstein pose for the camera, then our protagonist finally gets out of the shower to find her letter. He takes it pretty hard. For the record, he's a 20-something-ish Latin looking dude with short hair and a goatee (for whatever reason, once the clock turns on the year 1990, all heavy metal video protagonists suddenly have short hair, fyi).

Everyone in Winger belts out the chorus, and we even finally catch a glimpse of the loathsome Reb Beach. They're all standing in front of the water while lights flash across their faces. Kip gnashes his teeth while the main dude dries his tears with her letter. Winger keep on rocking, and he still can't stop his sniveling, finally tearing up the tablecloth and upending everything upon it. The camera lovingly displays his musculature throughout. I mean jeez, are those Bugle Boy jeans he's wearing? Although actually these shots are much more in line with the Guess? Jeans school of photography.

He runs out of the house and into the front yard of their cute little bungalow-style house, and, clinging to the swinging chainlink door in the fence, he looks frantically up and down the street to see if she's still around (apparently she's on foot, since he doesn't seem to think she's made it very far).



Oh, snap! She's got another man! We next see the woman hanging onto another dude while riding behind him on a motorcycle. Not that the other guy seems so great, but this guy looks like a total scuzzball. Think Rob Lowe in Wayne's World, only this guy is no tastydelicious Rob Lowe (he's not even Chad Lowe). The members of Winger let this moment sink in by turning slowly to look mournfully at the camera. A shot of the dude hanging his head, sitting out in the yard fades into a shot of the girl and her new guy on the road. She's all rubbing his back and stuff. Trashy. The latin dude should forget about her. But no, instead he takes his rusted ass beater car out to try and find her. It looks like they're driving on the exact same road, but he doesn't find her. He's lucky he doesn't, since now she's fondling her new guy's biceps and kissing his ear.

He's either really sobbing or inexplicably dripping with sweat as the girl suddenly appears in the backseat of the car. She leans forward and rubs his shoulders, but then -- doh! She disappears. She was just a figment of his desperate imagination. He looks a little like he's going to puke, then rubs his eyes. Finally home again, he tries to reach her via the phone. He reaches either her or his mother (telling him that she always thought that girl was no good), either way, a lot of yelling and pounding the table with his fist follows. He then spends about five minutes delicately hanging up the phone, as if one false move would cause it to explode. Then he (I think, it's a little hard to tell) busts out a rosary.

We next see him looking like utter crap atop his rumpled sheets. She, meanwhile, has already hopped into bed with Mr. New. Shots of the main dude writhing in agony and screaming are interspersed with shots of her and the other guy getting it on (they basically look like out takes from a Chris Isaak video). They roll all over the place. The solo I guess provides a rather obvious subtext for all of this.

As this winds up, we see the main dude laying in his rumpled bed. The light has changed enough that we know he's like, passed out crying and woken up at a later time. He looks around all bleary-eyed and briefly catches sight of his tv, which he left on. A nurse walks across the screen. He grabs at his sheets, then finally gets up and walks down the hallway. We then see the girl rubbing ...um, a guy's back. It's hard to tell if we're seeing her now with her new guy, or if the main guy is remembering the good times they had writhing around on the bed together. He keeps staring into space in a squinty, focused way implying that this may be a fantasy sequence. But I can't see the guy she's with clearly enough to get a positive ID. Ok, I'm thinking fantasy sequence, because next we see the main guy sitting on the floor in the doorway with the same bed the girl was just on in the background. (Note: Going back through the vid frame-by-frame, it definitely is her with the new guy, not a fantasy sequence. So much for my powers of deduction).



Winger kick it up one last time, and there's much singing along. Now the guy is sitting at the bottom of their stairs beside a large stained glass window which doesn't seem like it'd be part of the same house they showed before. The camera pans past a guy and a girl nuzzling on a motorcycle (it may or may not be her, we don't see it for long), then we see the main guy looking around as he uses a pay phone. Oh, I think it is her, because she and the guy are really going at it now, and he has that same lame haircut every man had circa 1990 (long to the ears, then a fade). Meanwhile, the dude is holding the phone up to his neck and sighing.

The couple making out on the bike pull apart, and next we see the girl through a peephole in a door. She's looking around nervously. The next shot's from inside, and we see the main dude is doing the peeping. He's also wearing a vest with no shirt, but I'm not going to go there. Then we see the girl again. She turns away, then pauses, then finally turns back and approaches the door again. He caresses the doorknob, then sits down beside the door, crouching out of sight. We can see her walking outside through the large window beside the door, and through the venetian blinds she's visible trying to peep in through the window. She gives up and walks away as Kip stares meaningfully into the distance.

THE VERDICT Not sure about this one. From the looks of it, just when he needed her most, she was like, two inches away. Maybe he figured out that she'd spent their time apart riding around on motorcycles and getting it on with other guys? It's pretty clear that he sees her out there, but he's like, I've done my crying and I'm not letting you come back. He's sort of the tough chick of the video.

Probably this makes sense, since this is a Winger video. No matter how much you hear the whole Kip Winger played with Alice Cooper (who after all is a Republican, lest we forget), Kip Winger is a classically trained musician (and also a classically trained man-ballerina), don't let his entire career be boiled down to just one word on Stewart's t-shirt, etc., you have to face the facts that at the end of the day, their music is just plain wussy. The guys in this band make the boys in Stryper look fierce. Seriously.

In spite of Kip's mighty choppers, songs like that classic ode to statutory rape "Seventeen" are utterly toothless. Maybe it's because he sings with one of those little drive-thru operator/Britney Spears mics in "Easy Come, Easy Go." Maybe it is all about the Stewart/Beavis and Butthead dichotomy. I don't know. I just know that at the end of the day, I can't really get myself to care for Winger.

That said, I don't mind this song. Not to start a recurring theme here, but I feel like if this were a Cinderella song I would absolutely love it.

Vinnie Vincent Invasion, "Love Kills"

The Freddy Krueger Invasion

THE VIDEO Vinnie Vincent Invasion, "Love Kills," A Nightmare on Elm Street 4 / The Dream Master Original Motion Picture Soundtrack, 1988, Chrysalis Records

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Whoa-oh lo-ove keeeelllls / the fire's gone / dying embers sti-ill remain / oh-oh lo-ove keeellls / and now you're gone / girl, I'll nev-err be-ee the sa-ame"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION Here's my prequel to the video: This video, following in the footsteps of Dokken's "Dream Warriors," is for well, not the theme song I guess but for a song from A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master. I'm not going to pretend to be an expert here, but I did a little bit of research on this film, and here's what I've found.

At this point in the NOES series, it's "characters by" Wes Craven. He's abdicated the director's seat to some dude named Renny Harlin (a little more digging goes on to show that every NOES movie has been directed by someone new -- this guy in particular, however is going to go on direct such greats as Deep Blue Sea, which starred LL Cool J and intelligent sharks). And yes admittedly, the first film aside, I haven't spent much time watching the NOES series (I am a huge exception to the likes metal : likes horror rule, I can't deal with anything at all scary, and even though most reviewers seem to find this movie more funny than scary, I am certain it's too scary for me). And anyway, all critics seem to agree that in spite of turning out the biggest box office of any NOES film, this one is the beginning of their slide into utter crap sequels.

The movie apparently brings back many of the terrorized teens who prevailed against Freddy in the last installment (A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors), Kincaid, Joey, and Kristen. A bunch of "we think Freddy's for sure dead" stuff happens, but then the plot really begins with um... a dog peeing. Kincaid falls asleep in the town's junkyard, and his dog pees fire on Freddy's grave (or something). This causes him to reassemble (which we see in the video). Freddy kills him, then shows up as a chick in Joey's waterbed. Guess who he kills next. I couldn't get myself to read far enough into the script to find out what happens to Kristen, but the main girl in these things usually does okay for herself.

Nope, wait -- according to the Times review Kristen totally buys it too. Anyway, none of the actors are well known, and most of them play characters like "buddy in locker room," "jock," "nurse," and uh, "soul from Freddy's chest." Not so sure about that one. Let's just get to the video.



Anyway, there's no fire pee here. Instead, the video opens with a shadowy pan up the silhouette of Freddy, then we see a very pouffy-haired Mark Slaughter stepping into a room beside some hanging lanterns. Mark's wearing a denim vest over a sleeveless white tee. He also was a bit heavy-handed with the eyeliner today. He walks over to a candelabra dripping with tons of white wax and makes puppy eyes at the camera as he peeps over it at us. Then we see some girl from NOES (probably Alice, but I'm not sure) looking across a creepy but colorfully lit room with Freddy visible in the opposite corner. As the camera comes around to show us Freddy waggling his knife fingers at her, we can see that they're in a church. Then we see Mark again, the wider shot revealing that he's wearing ripped jeans and little black... gloves. Yes, gloves. He's still in the room with the candelabra, it's also full of columns, torn fabric, and uh... Christmas lights? Not sure.

As Mark walks around the waving fabric and crooked picture frames, we go back to the creepy church or whatever it is, and there are a bunch of creepy children up in the choir thing, and of course, Freddy's still wiggling his fingers. Then we see some more wiggling fingers -- though these are Vinnie Vincent's, on an acoustic guitar. Before we see him though, we see Mark singing by all of the candles again. He's doing jazz hands with the little gloves, and emoting so sincerely he looks like one of the people who'd get taken out in one of these movies.

Then we finally see V.V. He's pouting and punching his guitar around, and he appears to have the bottom layers of his heavily teased raven mane either braided, covered in beads, or both. Mark really goes nuts (and finally is shown holding a mic), and then we see the whole band together in their creepy room. From far away, all of the draped fabric looks like cobwebs, which is probably the effect they were going for. The camera pans around them, then we cut to a scene from the movie (a teenage boy and girl walk down a school hallway together -- probably Kristen and her bf). After they pass, Mark makes a fist, and we see a row of lockers slashed by Freddy with light coming through them. If I remember correctly (I probably don't), this image was used a lot to promote this movie.

The camera spins and descends on a sleeping girl (I think it's Alice), and a creepy, backlit door opens, revealing Freddy. We then briefly see her standing in a dark room wearing a white dress before spending a while with the Vinnie Vincent boyz, who are indeed gonna rock. We finally see Dana Strum and Bobby Rock briefly, too. Vinnie and Mark lean on each other and sing, and Vinnie maintains a look of total detachment. He looks like Carly Simon on quaaludes, honestly. Maybe it's also that he's super skinny and wearing a black tunic belted by some kind of medallion-festooned deal over what can't be jeans and must be stretch pants of some description and high-heeled black boots. Everybody rocks out for a while, then we see a hand holding a postcard with a picture of Freddy holding up Alice that says, "Greetings from Hell," being lit on fire.



We then see a major shot from the movie: The camera travels through mountains of wrecked cars to find the character who must be Kincaid, then we see Freddy reforming from the pile of bones (we don't see the dog peeing, just its aftermath). He watches and screams in terror and the camera pulls back, showing the junkyard from overhead again. Next we see some stuff from the movie which for me has basically no context; I'm sure it's how random people die, but I wasn't going to pore over the whole script (or actually watch the movie) to figure that out. Anyway, we see a girl frantically crawling around on the ceiling and Kristen (I think) running in and seeing her, then we see a guy on a stretcher being wheeled into a surreally lit emergency room. We see a normal hand pulling on a latex glove, then the surgeon mopping his head with a tissue, then (from the patient's perspective) one of those weird plastic masks coming in (you know, the thing they use to give you anesthesia). The surgeon pulls off his mask... yeah, guess who it is.

Mark briefly emotes, then we see a brunette sitting while the shadows of Freddy's fingers wiggle across her face. A dorky looking girl with glasses stares blankly, and then we see that her worksheet says "Learning is fun with Freddy!" just before her pen begins to drip blood. The brown-haired girl, who I thought was in a completely different place but who I guess is just sitting opposite her, looks like she's going to throw up. Vinnie plays especially theatrically, Mark shrieks, and even Dana (totally in the background the whole time) throws his hair around. Then we see another big scene from the movie -- Alice, alone in a movie theatre, gets caught in a ton of wind and eventually pulled into the screen. Predictably, this leads to much rocking out on the part of Vincent et al., but I'm mostly just wondering why the female protagonists in NOES movies are always wearing these dowdy-looking Laura Ashley dresses.

In between the rocking, we see a boy (maybe Joey) lifting weights, with of course Freddy reflected in the weight (he is frickin' omnipresent, so far as I can tell). Then we see some dorky-looking older woman and a younger blonde over her shoulder. We zoom in on the blonde then switch to her perspective as blood appears on the older woman's back as if she had just been slashed by Freddy. Then we see a quick shot of Freddy's fingers, then the girl (wearing a bikini and probably waking up), then Vinnie V. holding his guitar aloft. Dana finally gets some screen time as we see what I think is one of the more maligned death sequences in the movie -- a girl turns partially into a roach, gets trapped in a roach motel, then dies in a glue trap. Freddy makes a scary face and a girl wakes up, then Vinnie actually smiles a bit as he launches into the solo. The camera lavishes much attention on him as he grinds with his guitar, stares at it in wonderment, holds it up with one hand, etc. Mark dances around with Dana throughout. As he wraps up, we see a shot that implies that they're in that creepy church, only it's a lot better lit for the video than it was for the movie.



Freddy's glove flies through the air, then falls to the ground, and the camera flies through some kind of purgatory type place, emerging with a shot of I think Alice standing outside of "the Freddy house." We see Vinnie and Mark again, then we're in what I believe is the part of the movie where Joey drowns in his waterbed. Yes kids, if some kind of hot siren lady comes singing to you from beneath the surface of your waterbed, don't try to save her. Freddy's fingers rake along a guitar but then -- wait -- yup, it's Vinnie wearing Freddy's outfit. Vinnie vamps the fingers, then we see the real Freddy shoot some kind of lightning or something at a girl, causing her to convulse. Freddy stands under a red light, then Vinnie and Mark both sing before we go back to the movie and see a blonde girl panic, then be thrown backward through some kind of weird room. Vinnie pinwheels, Mark squeals, Freddy beckons, a blonde looks panicked. But there's no big finale. It just kind of ends with Mark going nuts.

THE VERDICT Jeez, I always think I'm not writing as much anymore, then I scroll back up. Damn. I don't know if Vinnie Vincent's mom has this much to say about the Vinnie Vincent Invasion. Then again, if you peruse old issues of Hit Parader et al., you will find that though they don't cover them, many a fan wrote in to ask for more coverage of Vinnie Vincent and proclaim him the most underrated guitarist in metal. Then again, they also had people writing in letters like, "I know you don't normally do this sort of thing, but if you could just print one picture of Fred Coury naked, or at least wearing as little clothing as possible, that would really be great." People also write in who refer to Frankie Banali as an "Italian Stallion."

Okay, so maybe that's a bad example. But I do think that in the scheme of things, Vinnie Vincent and Mark Slaughter are a good pairing. They both fall into the same category for me: I want to like them but somehow, I just can't. In V.V.'s case, I'm sure he's reasonably proficient, but I just can't shake the notion that Kiss hired him basically because his resemblance to Ace Frehley is strong enough that maybe they thought people just wouldn't notice the difference ("Hey, they don't really know what we look like without our makeup on anyway, right?"). And he did have the wussiest Kiss makeup of anyone ("The Warrior"? Really?). Same thing with Mark Slaughter. In spite of the fact that he's quite good looking, and doesn't seem to age much at all over the years, I just can't not see him as way too lame. He's a bit shrieky but overall not a bad vocalist, but he just seems a little... well, humorless is what comes to mind. Sigh. I know he and Dana are all BFF but Dana doesn't even register on my radar. Double sigh.

As for the video: As these things go, it's okay. Unlike "Dream Warriors," it doesn't try to incorporate the band into the action very much. It just intersperses movie shots not quite heavy-handedly enough for it to feel like a preview for the movie. The song is okay, too -- the first verse is especially good, though the pre-chorus just kills me with lameness every time. Mark's voice is just a bit thin to sustain all of his attempts at truly singing. But it's got potential. You know who could have really done this thing up right? Dokken.

P.S. Giant new photos added 4/5/10. It's always amazing to me to go back and look at things I posted five years ago. Do you know what a bitch of a time I had learning about ANOES4 for this post? Seriously, you want to talk about a nightmare. And now it's like boom, two clicks and I've learned the whole plot.

LA Guns, "Bitch is Back"

Welcome to the LA, Bitch!

THE VIDEO LA Guns, "Bitch is Back," LA Guns, 1988, Polydor

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Please! Don't save me / don't tell me when it's time to go / It! Could not faze me / I only wanta let you know / bitch is back / right on track / bitch is back / I likeit like that"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION This video had a budget of approximately $2. While that is what makes it awesome, it also makes it somewhat illegible. Coupled with the fact that nearly everyone in LA Guns looks like he could be everyone else in LA Guns' brother, it makes many of the people shown in the different shots if not unidentifiable then at least very, very difficult to positively ID. Needless to say, don't kill me if I screw it up.

The video opens with some scribbly, motion-filled shots of city lights at night as seen from behind the windshield of a car. We see the lights of buildings, cars, highway signs, and so on. This cuts to a pan of a bunch of skyscrapers at sunset, then back to more squiggly lights, then a neon sign ("BUY SELL TRADE") which makes me think pawn shop but then we go inside for a b&w fast pan of guitars racked on a wall and a second neon sign ("USED & VINTAGE GUITARS") followed by neon signs for guitar company logos. Okay, so I jumped to conclusions.

Next we see singer Phil Lewis coming towards us on his motorcycle, and then a shot of Tracii Guns headbanging as he plunges into a riff. Phil gets as close as he can before leaving the frame, then we see a strange, purpley black and white shot (like they mimeographed the film) of two sort of goth looking ladies uhh... possibly wrestling in a bathtub. Okay scratch that, make that one goth looking lady scratching her stomach and then sitting up. I was correct on the bathtub though. Then we see Phil parking his chopper. Next we have Mick Cripps thrashing away. There's a quick pan up a blonde's leg as she sits on a motorcycle, then we see a woman's mostly shadowed face (p.s., she's wearing a blindfold). Light flashes and reveals I think that her wrists are bound as well, then we see Phil leaning against a pole by the side of the street.

Okay, a really weird shot with possibly nude people who are possibly women (but far from definitely). There's a guitar involved. Then the camera swings past some city lights and a woman sitting on top of a car before we see Tracii again. Next there's that perennial b-roll favorite, film the band during a photo shoot. Honestly though, I can't tell who's who. I'm pretty sure Phil's in the middle and Steve's on his right, but that's it. We see Tracii (?) doing something with a guitar, then we're finally in a normal shot again: Phil sort of trotting along the street while singing. The camera tries to follow him around while he spins and mimes different words from the song's lyrics. We see quick shots of Tracii playing and a quick photo shoot still of ...Mick? And a woman sharing an intimate moment with a guitar.



Now Phil's waving his hands around while walking backward down the street. He seems to have put on more scarves. Then we see Kelly, but quickly cut back to Phil, who's walking down the street sans scarves. He's managed to take off those plus a leather jacket, and now he's got quite the crowd around him. Throughout this video it would appear that they didn't exactly get a permit to shut down a block. Instead, they had a couple of p.a.'s get everyone to stand about two feet away from Phil. The effect is somewhat like U2's "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For," only a lot, lot cheesier. Also, I don't remember the people in that video laughing at Bono. But that's another story (plus it doesn't involve metal).

We see a little bit of Kelly (?) then we're back with Phil for a long time as he stumbles down the street past a bunch of closed stores. In between, a couple of models look bored, and Steve Riley shows slightly more enthusiasm for being in LA Guns than he did for W.A.S.P. Woops, Phil has his jacket on again for a moment, then he's back to normal. Turns out he's walking along the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Anyway, Phil stumbles around more, then we see Tracii and Kelly really quickly. Phil keeps getting really, really close to the camera, then backing up a bit. At one point, we see a creepy shot of two quite androgynous people, one lying face down on top of the other one. The bottom one, who may be Phil, sort of screams. Phil's stopped walking and has been leaning against the grill pulled down over the front of a closed shop for a while now. He's interspersed with brief shots of the whole group having their photo taken and um... looks like someone wearing cowboy boots' feet standing in shallow, running water, and Tracii spinning around. Phil then briefly has his leather jacket and scarves again as he stumbles across a street, gesturing for the camera to follow. But mixed in with some shots of city lights, he's back in front of that same store again, shoving his hands in his ears (he does this a lot throughout the video).

Phil backs down the street, dressed again, and Tracii swings his guitar around and makes faces like a working man's Nikki Sixx while Kelly Nickels just looks hot. We see a bunch more weird shots of models (bored and in bondage). Anyway, Tracii's tearing it up as we go into the hottest part of the video, as Phil rapidly removes his jacket and saunters up to a blonde leaning against a pole.

They just start going at it, which is interesting mainly because you rarely see anyone but David Coverdale or later, Axl Rose, actually touch any of the women in any of these videos. And he was married to Tawny Kitaen and Axl was well, in some sort of relationship with Stephanie Seymour, so that's different. Or maybe it's not, for all I know she's Mrs. Phil Lewis. Tracii and Mick make guitar faces and Kelly finishes his cigarette as the solo continues. Even Steve shows some zeal.



Finally, Phil smiles in a totally hot, sort of shy way (I don't normally find him appealing at all, but then again, this is the one video where he has this kind of messy, spiky hair and doesn't look like a working man's Taime Downe -- rough stuff) and unlocks lips with said blonde. He then stumbles around with his hand over his mouth while the rest of the band rocks out (he takes it off to make that "whoa" sound effect). As the camera swings back to Phil, you can almost read the name on one of the stars on the sidewalk, but not quite. As Phil sings and grabs at his head, we see much more of Tracii than we've seen in the rest of the video. We quickly cut away thought to more weird models, first blindfolded girls flinching, than an expressionless woman standing in a swimming pool.

Phil, jacket and scarves back on (we also see a brief shot of him looking at himself in a mirror), elects to sit down on the sidewalk, and sing the rest of the song sitting there. Scratch that, now he's lying down on his side. We see Kelly, Mick, and Tracii briefly, and then Phil is writhing around and practically rolling into all of the people hanging around on the sidewalk like 2" away from him. Steve almost rocks out, models grope guitars, then Phil approaches a bike with a blonde already sitting on it and gets on, though this action is cut up by shots of him (in jacket again) singing on the sidewalk as someone grabs him) and (not in jacket) leaning against a phone pole or something like it. He and the blonde drive off, Tracii thrusts his guitar, and the video ends with the LA Guns logo.

THE VERDICT Again, I absolutely love how raw this video is, but they could have watched the continuity a little bit more (the whole thing where Phil's clothes keep changing is kind of annoying). But on the whole this is just badass. LA Guns often get a bad rap, but they're a damn good band. I mean, come on, if you'd never heard this song before, you were probably expecting a cover of that stupid Elton John song. Instead, you get this totally kick ass rock song.

I also like it because it feels a little bit like a time capsule. You definitely get the sense of being there even moreso than you get in videos like Dokken's "It's Not Love," which has a somewhat similar premise (actually, it has a very similar premise to another classic U2 video, "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For") but is much more staged. I mean, the people who are rooting Dokken on are mainly good looking women and dudes in KNAC shirts. None of the women in "Bitch is Back" are good looking, with the exception of the blonde Phil locks lips with, and the men are all kind of fat and dodgy looking. Clearly, in this case it is whoever was hanging out outside this closed store or whatever at night. It is a little weird that the rest of the band never makes it out of the studio (or that Phil's never there), but that I can deal with.

David Lee Roth, "Yankee Rose"

Gimme a Bottle of Anything, and a Glazed Doughnut

THE VIDEO David Lee Roth, "Yankee Rose," Eat 'Em and Smile, 1986, Warner Brothers

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Show me those / (bright lights!) / and those / (city lights!) / all right! / I'm talkin' bout a Yankee Rose"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION And so the adventure begins! Okay, just kidding. But seriously, that's what it says when this video begins, and Diamond Dave indulges his penchant for theatre... of the bizarre. Following this text screen, the video begins with a shot of the entryway to a... well, I always think of it as a bodega, but I guess it's run by an Arab dude. Anyway. The walls are decorated with a painting of those sort of onion-top looking towers (I promise, this will get better). Otherwise, it's pretty much full of, you know, small grocery stuff. In the 80s there was a small grocery in the West 70s that totally looked just like this (I remember freaking out thinking that it was this grocery, but it's probably just a set in L.A. somewhere). Anyway. I'm not off to a strong start.

Pseudo-arabic sounding music plays as the door swings open. The first people to enter are a couple. The woman is wearing a wedding gown and is extremely pregnant, giving her the appearance of an obscene, lace encrusted parade float. The man has the build of Captain Lou Albano and is wearing a stained wifebeater, suspenders, and some sort of pants. She has long hair and frightening makeup, and she tosses her veil and bouquet around a bunch. He's balding but has shoulder-length hair and a heavy beard.

He picks up a basket as she begins throwing candy bars into it and berating him in heavily accented (Spanish, I think) English: "I cahn't beleeve eet okay, my cchhhhoneymoon night okay! I weeell probably only have tree or four more of dees in my whole entire lifetime! And chu, chu check me into dat dump your brothhhherr calls a motail!" He finally intervenes: "But Consuela, I gave him two dollars extra for the fantasy suite!" She mocks him: "Tooo bad hhhoney, tooo bad! Becos I veeell not sleep there so tonight you veell have to fantasize that you have a wife, okay?" And she pats him roughly on his paunch. He trails after her past the counter saying, "But Consuela, mi amor..." and we finally see the store's proprietor.

He's very skinny, with a greasy sort of pompadour thing, and he's smoking a cigarette and standing but resting one leg on the counter. He has on a dirty brown shirt knotted at the waist (the better for us to see the wifebeater and large gold medallion beneath) and gray pants. He leans forward, leering, and says, "Can I help you?" as another customer approaches.

This time it's a black woman wearing an outfit (shorts and some kind of bustier) made entirely of red, yellow, purple, and pink fake flowers. She also has on multiple neon wristbands, bright sunglasses with funky 80s frames, large green earrings, and bright makeup. Her hair is the ever popular teased on top and rat-tail in back, and she's swinging a straw bag as she approaches the counter, snapping gum and carrying with both hands a huge amount of the dark green Tic Tacs which she unceremoniously drops on the counter.

The clerk looks at her and says, "Oh! Breath meent!" opening a box and shoving several into his mouth. He leans toward her and says, "Our leeps, they are so close," while wiggling his eyebrows. She makes a horrified face and whips off her sunglasses, exclaiming. "Ewwwwwww-eeeee! Not if you was the last immigrant grocer on earth, honey" and puts her glasses back on and strides out of the store.



The grocer says something like "son of a biscuit, my ancestors spit on your haircut" and spits on the ground to his right. We then see the store from his point of view, and coming down the aisle toward him an immense woman screams in a Sam Kinison-like voice, causing him to become very alert: "Can you help me? My doctor says I have to take a laxative!" while swinging and knocking boxes off of the shelves. She's wearing green sunglasses, a silvery brocade housedress with a matching hat covered in bows, and some kind of furry shrug. She slides on the boxes she knocked down while she comes toward him.

He yells, "Not een my store you don't!" but just as quickly he is distracted by the arrival of a man with a teased, salt-and-pepper mullet wearing sunglasses, a plaid, pastel-colored jacket, khakis, and a pink shirt. Why is this man so distracting? Because on one hand he has an especially pneumatic blonde in a purple and pink bikini and on the other an equally absurd specimen wearing a white bikini bottom with an extremely highly cropped t-shirt on top. They've both got on headphones, sunglasses, and white heels.

The girls kind of bop along beside him as the man tells the clerk, who's making googly eyes at them, "Ooooh my friend, I always hang out with two of 'em 'cause it's better for conversation. See if there winds up bein' any, I don't have to be involved! Fuhgedaboutit." As he exits, he comments, "it's humid in here tonight, isn't it girls?" while adjusting his pants. On a side note, this man is Dave's real life business partner at the time, the other half of the Picasso Brothers.

The clerk stares adoringly after them resting his chin in his hand, when suddenly a spear comes down beside him. Uhoh! It's Dave, dressed in the makeup from the Eat 'Em and Smile album cover. He announces, "Give me a bottle of anything. (pause, look around) And a glazed doughnut. To GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO." (Sorry, trying to type the "to go" as echoing).

Now, this particular part, I must say I try to reference all the time and no one, but no one, gets it. I've never seen this video shown without this completely irrelevant prologue so... I guess everyone else just hasn't seen this video. But Beavis and Butthead watch it! Sigh... I just don't know.

Anyway, ninety-jillion words later, the video begins in earnest. But ohhh, lest we forget: this song actually opens with still more dialogue, as Dave talks to Steve Vai's guitar. It basically sounds like he's talking to Scooby Doo, only kind of digital sounding. Dave does a spread-eagle leap from the drum risers, and Steve's guitar says (loosely translated), "Ri Rave."



Dave says, "What?" as he strides across the stage in medallion-festooned chaps, an assless metallic leotard, and a purple spandex off-the-shoulder top. Steve's guitar says uhhh...something unintelligible (no, it's not "roar rooby racks"). But Dave leans toward the camera and says, "Wellll let me roll up to the sidewalk and take a look...Whoa! [Steve: "Ro!"] She is beautiful! [Steve: (wolf-whistle)] Ah'mmmmm talkin' about a Yankee Rose!" etc, etc, as the song finally begins.

During all of this, Dave has changed his spandex ensemble three times, first pairing the metallic leotard thing (which I can't figure out-it has a thong aspect to it, and it covers him entirely in front, but thong aside it's utterly backless) with yellow and black striped spandex, then pairing a different leotard thing with red and black pants. During this we do see Steve Vai, Billy Sheehan, and Gregg Bissonette (who's drumming standing up while wearing what look like post-op shades), but their outfits don't change.

The only other notable outfit in this vid is Steve Vai's. He's pairing white boots, magenta sequined pants, and a painted jacket worn with no shirt beneath, and his entire stage presence seems to be based around convincing the audience that at any moment he might go down on... his guitar. He's such a weirdo, I find. Anyway.

Steve makes the guitar "laugh" as Dave finds a novel use for a large, inflatable microphone (just try to guess what he does with it). Dave does a final flying kick and then starts dancing like crazy as he sings. He's wearing eyeliner in this video, which I hate on him, and his hair is a bit shorter than in the Van Halen days and has heavy bangs. Yes, I hate to say it, but this video is definitely the beginning of the Decline of Dave. It is a slippery slope from here to "Just Like Paradise."

Did I mention he's wearing little white gloves with this whole ensemble? He turns and shakes his black and yellow spandex-clad ass (bisected by the thong on that damn leotard) for the camera, creating a shot for VH1 to put in all of the montages they play right before the voiceover starts talking about how everything was about to end and "Smells Like Teen Spirit" was about to come out. If that doesn't put it in perspective for you, I don't know what will.

Anyway. Most of this video is performance, and though some shots show there being a crowd there, they don't try to convince us this is a real concert, and most of the time they definitely seem like they're just dancing around on a set with tons of colorful lights on it (a la Poison). However, unlike Poison, they don't seem effortlessly happy doing so. One gets the impression certain people were kind of, you know, waiting for the check to clear on this one. Dave goes through more costume changes than even I can keep track of, though they all consist of layering spandex in different ways (pants, leotard-thong-things, and off-the-shoulder crop tops) and include some or all of the following colors: turquoise, purple, yellow, black, pink, and more turquoise.



With the second verse, they start adding crowd noise into the song, which is kind of weird. Dave can't stop running, dancing, and kicking, nor can Steve or Billy stop swinging their guitars around and catching them (maybe they were trying to challenge Eric Brittingham for the world record?). The best moment of the video comes before the bridge, when Dave slides up the microphone all sexy and if I squint I can pretend he is not wearing all of that spandex and he's still in Van Halen and everything's still good in the world.

But no. During the bridge itself, everyone hams it up to the extreme. Gregg tosses his sticks in the air and (surprise) catches them again, Billy gets intimate with his bass while Dave lies down on the stage, and Steve Vai holds his guitar in one outstretched arm, staring at it like he's about to ...ugh, I don't even want to think about it. This only intensifies as we head into the solo. Anyone who doesn't get the whole guitar prowess as symbolic phallus thing has never seen Steve Vai play. As he reaches his frantic zenith, he repeatedly shoves the guitar between his spread legs. You know, when the video started I kind of wished I had those pants, but now I'm glad I don't. Anyway, shortly after, Dave wraps it up by kicking a large balloon, which bursts to reveal... lots of other balloons. Okay. As we fade out, Steve's still thrusting that guitar. Sigh.

THE VERDICT While, unfortunately for me, I said most of what I was going to say in my excessively detailed description, so yes, this will probably be mostly rehash. Let me say that I do indeed love this song. It's no "Runnin' with the Devil" or "Jamie's Crying" or even "Hot for Teacher," but it's still rather excellent. If one only heard the song, one's prognosis for Mr. Roth's career would have been rather excellent as well.

However, seeing the video, and the fact that a man who played such a crucial role in my psychosexual development (not only is he one of the hottest men ever, he's also my personal celebrity - we share the same birthday!!!) and who was at this point still in the prime of his life is already wearing makeup (and not in a Mötley Crüe pseudo-kabuki way) and falling victim to the whims of a demented stylist (who may be him himself) is just... well, it's a bit depressing. Especially when you consider that circa the same time, Van Hagar were putting out songs like "When It's Love" and "Dreams," both of which are great enough songs to penetrate my deep, deep loathing for Sammy Hagar.

I just feel bad for him! He's David Lee Roth, for pete's sake. He is the most endearing man ever. If you've never had the pleasure of reading Crazy from the Heat (his autobiography), I strongly suggest you pick it up. If you're looking for stories of out-and-out debauchery, it's no The Dirt, but if you just want insight into what DLR was thinking when he made decisions like this, what the constant kicking is all about, and, of course, what a tool Eddie Van Halen is (utterly destroying the little part of you that acknowledged both his hotness and his talent) this is the book for you. Geez, I'm sorry. This is reading like one of those especially strained Paula Abdul, "You took a risk. I'm really proud of you," assessments. And now, ashamed that I made an American Idol reference, I must quietly scurry out the door.