Lita Ford feat. Ozzy Osbourne, "Close My Eyes Forever"

Let's Duet  

THE VIDEO Lita Ford feat. Ozzy Osbourne, "Close My Eyes Forever," Lita, 1988, RCA 

SAMPLE LYRIC "If I close my eyes forever / will it all remain unchay-aynged? / If I close my eyes forever / will it all remain the sayyyy-ayyy-ayyyy-ayyyme" 

THE VERDICT Spoiler alert: I freakin' love this song. I mean the queen of metal meets the prince of darkness? This is like the heavy metal version of "Islands in the Stream." There aren't a lot of metal duets out there — it's really just this and "Everything You Do (You're Sexing Me)", so obviously "Close My Eyes Forever" wins that contest. 

This song is a little weird in that at the time it's really the only power ballad for either of these artists. I can't really think of another song Lita does that's in this style. Ozzy obviously will go on to go much further sonically in this direction, with like "Mama, I'm Coming Home", but lyrically, he doesn't really have love songs. 

In a way that makes it too bad they didn't do this song later — I feel like he got more into really singing, whereas in this song he's sort of doing an exaggerated version of his usual creepy Ozzy voice. I feel like a lot of people aren't too into this song, particularly hardcore Ozzy partisans. But for me, it's a great one. 

I don't know, something about the sentiment really gets to me. I feel like I've had times in various relationships when I wished I could just stop time, and stay right where we were. I feel like this song really gets at that well for me. 

At the same time though, this was a song I liked better when I understood the lyrics less. In my head, it was pretty romantic — I had always heard it as "warm and dark embrace," and so when one of my karaoke video games informed me it was "warm and darkened grave," it was a bit unsettling. All the sort of goth parts in this song feel like they're trying a little too hard — I mean cobwebs on your eyes? Gee-ross. 

Something tells me the sort of darker aspects are Ozzy-slash-Ozzy's management trying to make sure it doesn't seem like he's gone soft. I mean yes, at this point Sharon Osbourne is also Lita's manager, so clearly she orchestrated this, but at the same time, you know she's keeping track of everyone's interests here.

 

But even if you ignore the lyrics, it's still a great song. I really like Lita's solo in it, and the way the song just sort of builds and builds. There's kind of a chorus, but it's really more of just a repeated motif. The last part ("I know I've been so hard on you-ou") is definitely a favorite for me — the more I think about it, this is the Lita Ford song I like best. 

And oh yeah, the video! The video's all right too. Not the most happens — I get the feeling Lita and Ozzy were never actually in the same place. We mostly see them apart, and sometimes the image of one is superimposed on top of the other, but that's about it. 

It's mainly them singing the song in an empty, dark space with just a few random props. There's a blue velvet curtain, a random archway, a window set high in one wall, and then hanging mics. That's pretty much it. 

We see more of Lita than of Ozzy, probably because she looks absolutely gorgeous in this video. She's wearing a great outfit — purple boots, artfully shredded jeans layered over sparkly black tights, and a couple of different embellished black leather jackets (the jackets switch along with her guitars). Her hair is amazing, and she's painted her nails blue. 

Ozzy is harder to see. We mostly only see his face, and a lot of times it's only partially lit to create exaggerated shadows and make him look spooky. He's wearing a black jacket with sort of textured embroidery on it, but otherwise, he's a bit hard to see. 

We only really see Ozzy actually standing there in the very last shot, when suddenly he and Lita appear to be in the same space. Or at least, they're made to look that way — like I said, based on the way this video was shot, I don't think they were ever actually together for this shoot. 

Regardless! I love this song, and a lot of other folks did too — this song went to #8 on Billboard's Hot 100 (by contrast, "Kiss Me Deadly" peaked at #12). Still you know, it's not for everyone. And if you read this blog often, you can probably guess who I mean.

 

Yep, Beavis and Butt-head rip this song a new one when they watch the video, and to this day I can't watch this video without thinking about what they have to say about it (particularly the "monster faces" comments). 

They check it out during the season 5 episode "Choke", which is hard for me to watch due to its heavy ick-factor, but which also contains some amazing insights into B&B-H's relationship. My favorite part is when the 911 operator tells Beavis, "Sir, if you want to save your friend's life, you must administer the Heimlich maneuver" and Beavis says "He's not really my friend." Anyway, here's what they have to say about this video, which they pick up already in progress:

Beavis: "Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, it's Ozzy!"
Butt-head: "Yeah! ... Uh, why's he whining?
Beavis: "Yeah, yeah, what's going on here? (both stammer and laugh for a while) Boy, this isn't very good."
Butt-head: "Yeah. Ozzy shouldn'ta done this."
Beavis: "Yeah really."
Butt-head: "Eh, maybe this is Meatloaf."
Beavis: "You know who I think this is, Butt-head? I think this is the Indigo Girls."
Butt-head: "Oh yeah!" (both laugh)

They watch the video silently for a while, during which time Butt-head looks over vaguely incredulously at Beavis, and they make eye contact for a second. I love it when they have little moments like that.

Beavis: "Whoa, check it out, he's making one of those monster faces!"
Butt-head: "Yeah. Monster face and wuss music do not go together. It's like, you may've scared somebody with that face twenty years ago, but now you just look like some old fart."
Beavis: "Um, oh yeah. Um. You're being kind of hard on Ozzy, Butt-head."
Butt-head: (laughing) "I'm being what Ozzy?"
Beavis: "Hard on Ozzy! (pause - both laugh) Oh yeah. Yeah."

I dunno. In a way the boys' hatred of the song kind of just adds for the song to me. Although again, as they sort of also obliquely point out, there is this weird tension between like, the scary Ozzy everyone's known to this point, and then the softer side of Ozzy we start to see here. I wish they'd gone back and done this song over around the time of No More Tears so Ozzy really could've gone all in. 

I think in general, I wish there were more metal duets. Like could you imagine a Doro Pesch/Ronnie James Dio duet? Omg and they could've called themselves Dorodio. Or Dioro. That would have ruled. Maybe what I need is just someone to duet with, and I can just turn whatever metal song I want into a duet. Hmm. 

P.S.: I know it's not metal-related, but come on, don't tell me you didn't see this movie!

Fiona feat. Kip Winger, "Everything You Do (You're Sexing Me)"

Nasty As They Wanna Be  

THE VIDEO Fiona featuring Kip Winger, "Everything You Do (You're Sexing Me)", Heart Like a Gun, 1988, Atlantic 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Oooooooooh you're sexin' me-eeeeeeeee / everything you do just turns me on / oooooooooh you're sexin' me-eeeeeeeeeeee / bay-bay-bay-bay-bay-bay come onnnnnnnn" 

THE VERDICT Anyone else remember this amazing trainwreck of a video? Seriously people, it's the holidays, and this power ballad-ish duet is the gift that keeps on giving. You think it can't get more ridiculous, and it does. Oh, it does. 

Now if you aren't familiar with this one, you might be asking yourself, "Who the (bleep) is Fiona?" Excellent question. Fiona is sort of like the Tiffany of heavy metal. If we're going to be generous, we might even call her the Debbie Gibson of metal, since if I'm remembering right she had some kind of classical background and wrote a surprising amount of her own songs. 

Young, hyped, likely to be found signing autographs in malls. A big difference though is that though Fiona looks pretty underage in this video, she's actually almost 30. Well, what do you know? She's just kind of a tiny lady. 

Anyway, if you were to know Fiona from anything non-musical it would likely be her star-turn opposite Bob Dylan (!?!) in 1987's Hearts of Fire. But if you're like me (and since you're reading this we will assume you are), that pales enormously in comparison to her star-turn as a murderous teen prostitute on Miami Vice. 

Now I could go into a lengthy rant about how much Miami Vice rules, but instead I will limit myself to just discussing the episode featuring Fiona: Season 2's "Little Miss Dangerous". Though I am generally a fan of the episodes about prostitution — not because I endorse sex work, but because it's the 80s so these have particularly awesome costumes — this is actually one of my least favorite episodes because it is freakin' terrifying.

 

To her credit, Fiona is creepy as hell as a young hooker who murders her johns as retribution for a lifetime of abuse. I made it just partway into this episode before it became a turn-on-all-the-lights-in-the-house type of affair. 

It wasn't much longer before I was screaming at the TV trying to save Tubbs. Fiona, if you must kill again, take Crockett! And omg, stop making those freaky-ass crayon drawings. Dang those things gave me nightmares. 

Anyway, one of the many reasons Miami Vice is amazing is the endless onslaught of cameos (just season two also features Gene Simmons and Ted Nugent — the Nuge also performs Fiona's episode's eponymous song). It's not entirely unsurprising that Fiona turned up, since they appear to have a minimum of one ingenue per episode. 

But okay, what of her performance in this video? Spoiler alert: Nothing really happens in this video. It's pretty much just Fiona and Winger in an empty warehouse/loft-type space, singing straight into each other's faces. 

This is often amusing, as they look ridiculously alike — even without the lighting washing them out, it's usually like okay, well she's shorter and has longer hair. But for reals, I think they share not just the same hairstylist, but also the same clothing stylist. 

Here are the outfits featured in this video: 1) Blousy colorful shirt with ruffled collar, paired with leather pants that lace up the sides. 2) Low-cut graphic shirt, black leather jacket, and leather pants that lace up the crotch. 3) Sheer black halter dress. 4) Cropped leather vest, black shirt, and leather pants. Okay, class — three of these outfits are worn by Fiona. Which of these does Kip Winger wear?

 

All Kip and Fiona have in there to entertain themselves with is a modern-looking white couch and each other. While Fiona spends some time posing on the couch, she spends most of her time posing on Kip Winger. Kip flashes his astonishingly white teeth while Fiona tilts her neck back for some vampire-style action. (I like that when you Google "Kip Winger", one of the related searches it suggests is "Kip Winger teeth".) Kip tosses his hair around while Fiona crouches down in front of him. Fiona tosses her hair around while Kip crouches down in front of her. 

Somehow, we are meant to believe that by screaming the lyrics to this sludge-fest into each other's faces, sexual tension is being built up between Fiona and Kip. Ummm, no. There are a few near misses, and at one point he appears to have fully stuck his face into her chest, but don't get excited — there's no sexing here. Unless you're into the David Coverdale/Tawny Kitaen-type stuff where he looks like he's choking her. In that case, ew, you pervert. 

Possibly it's that, but more likely it's the choice of words that make this for me one of the un-sexiest songs in the history of metal. "You're sexing me"? Seriously? Hearing "sex" as a verb just makes me think of biology. And not like, reproductive type stuff. 

More just like how usually when you hear "sex" as a verb, they are talking about the practice of determining whether an animal is male or female. E.g., "birds are difficult to sex." "It takes a practiced eye to accurately sex the crawfish." Next thing you know, it's "oooh, you're dissectin' mee-eeee"! 

Seriously though, even my sometime-nemeses over at allmusic kind of have my back on this one: "Like anything with intensity, it's tempting to laugh; when Fiona and Kip Winger moan, 'you're sexing me,' at each other, someone with farm experience could imagine them sedately side by side, determining the maleness or femaleness of newly hatched chicks." For real! I could imagine an alternate version of this video with just pictures of like, crabs and lizards and turkeys and stuff.

 

I think the most amazing part of this video is at the end, when there's just a smidgen of plot. A blonde woman comes up to Kip and Fiona's empty warehouse in an industrial elevator, and sort of signals to them. Then Winger and Fiona ride down in the elevator, and go outside where a long-haired man greets them. We're meant to understand that this is Fiona's real man, just as the blonde is Winger's actual girlfriend. As the two couples split apart, Fiona (now wearing a goofy hat) looks back at Kip all wistfully. Ew. 

Also uhh, okay. This still doesn't explain WTF Fiona and Winger were doing up in that warehouse. What, they just get together to like arrange themselves against columns in dramatic lighting, and yell in each other's faces, and almost kiss, like, on the regular? 

There's no implication in this video that a video is being filmed — we're meant to believe Kip's girlfriend is just like, "Oh, hey honey, did you have a nice time telling Fiona she was sexing you and having her rub her hands all over your stubble again today?" So bizarre. 

Kip has claimed no sexing ever actually occurred, and based on the astonishing lack of sexual tension I'm going to believe him. I know, I know — both Winger and Fiona are making furious porno faces through this entire video. 

But come on, watch any Winger video. Kip makes those faces at the camera. He makes those faces at all the women who are meant to be his love interest. Hell, he makes those faces at Reb Beach. Quite frankly, I think this is just sort of the natural range of Kip's facial expressions. 

Long story short, if you're looking for sexy, this video is more like a cold shower than a hot bubble bath. And if you want a great metal duet, just listen to "Close My Eyes Forever." 

But if you want to revel in awkward sexuality, Kip Winger's whiter-than-white smile, and Fiona's amorousness toward a whiter-than-white couch, by all means, watch this video! 

I may have called Fiona the Robin Sparkles of metal, but this song is really the "I Wanna Sex You Up" of metal. I know, I know, this predates Color Me Badd by a couple of years. But seriously, couldn't we have just left this kind of drecch for groups like, well, Color Me Badd?