Ozzy Osbourne, "No More Tears"

Hope That Eyeliner's Waterproof  

THE VIDEO Ozzy Osbourne, "No More Tears," No More Tears, 1991, Epic 

SAMPLE LYRIC "No mawr tee-ears, tee-ears, tee-ears" (Just repeat this in an increasingly dramatic voice over a badass guitar riff)

THE VERDICT I've made reference to this video so many times now that it stopped making sense to avoid it (even if I worry I'm risking becoming too Ozzy-centric). I mean face it — this video is like the template for early 90s metal videos. So what's it got? Well let me tell you! 

The girl suddenly looks a lot less like a stripper and a lot more like a model. I mean, heroin chic was never going to catch on among rock video girls (though among the guys, it's a different story — yes Nikki and Tommy circa Doctor Feelgood, I'm looking at you). But yeah, the gal in this video appears extremely lean compared to the more voluptuous types you'd see in a video from the 80s. The long satin-y dress gives her a sort of Old Hollywood look -- and as previously noted many times, between Monroe, Mansfield, and sort of general mid-century pin-up aesthetics, metal bands are all over this style. 

Random art references class things up. I know I've said in other places how many videos reference "American Gothic" (this one doesn't). It does, however, feature loads of frames and sort of weird art stuff. Most notably though, we once again get a visit from a knockoff of Salvador Dali's 'Mae West' lips sofa (see? More Old Hollywood!). You might recall Bobbie Brown lounging on one in the "Cherry Pie" video (a video which does reference "American Gothic"). Bet you never thought knowing something about art history would come in handy for discussing Ozzy Osbourne videos. But looky here, it does.

Yves Klein Blue is the dominant color. I've talked about this with so many other videos, it's time I finally explained it, since if you aren't the kind who reads fashion magazines (I'm not anymore, but I was, so) you probably have no idea what I'm talking about it. Anyway, Yves Klein Blue (or International Klein Blue, or IKB) is a super-intense ultramarine or cobalt blue.

 

It comes in and out of fashion, but it's most directly associated with its creator (Yves Klein, obvs) and his works created by having nude models coat themselves in the super-intense pigment and then assume different poses pressed against canvas, so the prints left by their bodies create the piece. I know, this sounds like the concept for a metal video, right? Yet somehow they never made the connection between the color and nudity. Hmm. 

Dramatic lighting gets even more dramatic. Okay, we all know spotlights have never been strangers to metal videos. But I feel like "No More Tears" marks some kind of tipping point -- okay, maybe "Poison" marks it, I'm not sure (hell, they're practically the same video) -- where suddenly everyone is being shot in high contrast, with parts of their faces in focus and clear and the rest in dark, utterly black shadow. They pump it up a notch by there seeming to be fans off-camera blowing directly into each musician's face. Even Zakk Wylde can't whip his hair fast enough to keep us from seeing his mug in this one! 

Wardrobe has been pared wayyyy back. Okay, it's not like Ozzy was ever glam to begin with. Well no, wait, I take that back. We all remember his Liz Taylor phase, when he wore all those full-glitz bathrobes onstage. Suffice to say, those are gone now. (Actually, Ozzy looks amazing -- like ten years younger and I'm gonna guess way more than ten pounds lighter.) He's stopped frosting his hair, and there's nary a rhinestone in sight. Instead, he's rocking a popular early 90s guy look -- the black (probably leather) vest with no shirt underneath. Zakk Wylde is just wearing pants (not that there's anything wrong with that!). 

I don't think anyone's wearing color though, which is a mega-contrast to the amped-up color in every other part of this video. It's like they wanted to keep things flashy, but keep their distance at the same time. That said, what with his giant cross necklace and numerous bangles, Ozzy hasn't lost all his flair. There are definitely parts of this video that weren't trend-setting though. The whole Ozzy's-crawling-around-while-he-sings thing? Yeah, not so much. I'm not sure what the jagged floor/fake precipice is all about. Maybe Ozzy's not quite so healthy as he looks here.

 

Also, I know the big framed eyes are supposed to look spooky, but combined with the Mae West sofa they just remind me of Chairy from Peewee's Playhouse (apparently a lot of metal videos remind me of Peewee's Playhouse). And the kitchen sink being set on fire? That's just weird. 

Some of the other stuff is the same-old, same-old. Women under water? Yeah, we've seen that (think "Don't Cry" or, for a dude under water, "Headed for a Heartbreak"). A grand piano in a random fog bank? Okay, I don't know if I can think of a video off the top of my head with that exact image, but there are plenty with pianos, and way more with fog, fire, etc. 

By the way, anyone know what this song is about? If you give the lyrics a close read, it seems like it's either about a vampire or a hooker. The video doesn't really give us clues in either direction. The thing about like, reminding you what your mama told you ("not to talk to strangers") and that a "red light" means things get started again makes me think prostitute. But then some of the other stuff makes me think more vampire... or maybe just human murderer? Gosh, I don't know. Allmusic says it's a POV song about a serial murderer... I don't know, I keep thinking hooker. 

 

Hmm, maybe it's a murderer of hookers... or a hooker who is a murderer (it's amazing how, of course, you can find metal songs that cover whatever bases you need in this area). Okay no, per Wikipedia Ozzy says it's about a serial killer. But wasn't it more fun to speculate?

Either way, for a song that's so dark and brooding, all it ever makes me think of is the baby shampoo. What can I say, it's a stronger and earlier association — and really, outside of the baby shampoo and the Ozzy song, it's not like it's a common phrase like "dry your eyes" or something. Or, perhaps, "Don't Cry"?

Lita Ford, "Kiss Me Deadly"

Spandex and Pleather

THE VIDEO Lita Ford, "Kiss Me Deadly," Lita, 1988, Dreamland

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Come on, kiss me once! / Kiss me twice! / Come on pretty bay-beeee / Kiss me dead-lyyyyyyyyy"

THE VERDICT I want to like Lita Ford. I really, really do. The Runaways kicked so much ass, and deserved so much more than to have their legacy besmirched by a crappy Dakota Fanning vehicle. In the end though, I'm always more drawn to female metal acts that sound, well, more like the Runaways -- think Girlschool, for example.

Lita's just so -- how to put this. Okay. You can either talk about how important it is for women to be taken seriously as musicians, or you can dry-hump your guitar in your videos. But you really can't do both. Lita's a competent vocalist and a talented guitarist, but the ridiculous lengths she goes to in this video to convey some bizarre version of heavy metal sexuality put her on par with an obvious eye-candy group like Femme Fatale.

'Memba them? Like Lita, they also have song called "Falling In And Out of Love," though their female lead singer looks like Carly Simon trying to dress as Like a Virgin-era Madonna.

Anyway. What goes on in this video that I find so unappetizing? Well, really nothing much happens. What does happen is we find Lita playing in I don't even know what. An empty loft space? A parking garage? An enormous meat locker? It's hard to say. Either way, all that's in there are a bunch of large blocks of ice, which in some shots are augmented by a bunch of random small fires. Like I always say, nothing says "this equipment is plugged in" like having the band play in standing water.

It's mostly just Lita singing and playing the song, with frequent clothing changes. When we see a close-up of her face and shoulders, she's wearing a black leather strapless bra top, all the better to show off her shoulder tattoo and half-and-half hair. It's no early George Lynch half-and-half hair, but whatever, it's close enough and it's a good look for her. However, in most of these shots she's making sort of furious porno faces while frantically running her hands through her hair, which is less alluring.



When Lita's furthest away and the rest of her band is there, she puts on more clothes. It's hard to tell because it's not very well-lit (lord knows what the guys are wearing), but she appears to be in a black sleeveless cropped top and very shiny (possibly pleather?) high-waisted black pants.

In her super-close ups, where it's really just her face (though we see the rest of the outfit later), she's really metaled up, notably in a very heavily studded black leather motorcycle jacket. She also puts on a pair of shredded, high-waisted jeans.

Isn't it weird how none of that stuff seemed high-waisted at the time? I mean back in the 80s, no one would have said she was wearing Mom jeans. But to look at her now, it's "omfg mom jeans." They probably come to just below her navel. Toward the end we see some shots of the ripped jeans with the strapless top, so we can assume she's layering.

In the most famous shots though, she's wearing a ridiculous costume that looks like it's straight out of Heavy Metal. She's got on a cropped black tank top, and has layered a very high-waisted black thong over some silver spandex tights. A giant belt with lots of hardware, weird studded kneepads, and black boots further contribute to her sexy-heavy-metal-robot look.

It reminds me of the scene in Wayne's World (I know, I talk about Wayne's World way too much, but whatever) where Wayne goes to find Cassandra at her music video shoot. Wayne complains about how the video is clearly all about showing her in a sexualized light, and when the other members of Crucial Taunt walk by, he says, "Oh, hey guys, didn't see you there." (How could he have missed Marc Ferarri!? Anyway.)

Point is, if Tommy Iommi or Nikki Sixx or Chris Holmes or whoever she was involved with at the time had showed up to this video shoot, the same dialogue could have happened. Yeah, in some of the shots you can see the guys in the band, and sometimes we even see the guitarist or the drummer (who's on a weird moving pedestal) on their own, but barely.

This video is really starring Lita's hair and ass cheeks. I mean I did tell you the other week that I'd help you find the metal videos with side ass, right? It might be covered in spandex here, but this video's got loads of side ass.

And not a lot else, honestly. They backlight the guys so that even when they're on camera, you can only really see their silhouettes. There's more backlighting, plus dry ice fog, when we get close-ups of Lita singing. Occasionally there are random extreme close-ups of the ice -- we see Lita acting like she's going to nuzzle it with her face, then with her butt, and at one point one of the blocks gets hit with a sledgehammer.



I'm not the biggest fan of this song, either. I really like the pre-chorus, which has a great sound, with the guitar motif sort of amping up the vocals ("but I know what I like / I know I like dancing with you"). Most of it though, I can leave. It feels overproduced in a bad way, and very keeping-up-with-the-boys, which is unappetizing. Even though Lita's growls of "it ain't no big thang" have a lovely twang to them, I can't really get past the triteness of most of it.

'Cause like I was saying at the beginning of this post: You can either talk about how important it is for women to be taken seriously as musicians, or you can dry-hump your guitar in your videos. But you really can't do both.

It's hard to be a female musician in any genre, but particularly in male-dominated ones, I know. Hell, it's hard to be a female anything! But to stick with music: It's rough on these gals. People objectify you, people don't think you really play your instruments, people assume you engage in all kinds of sexual debauchery... the list goes on.

I feel like this video is a sort of "Let's get out in front of this" strategy -- in other words, I'm going to be objectified anyway, let me just objectify myself. I don't know how much it works. I mean, if you're in your video mounting your mic stand while dressed as a metal fembot, I don't think viewers (male or female) are going to be thinking to themselves, "My, she's very musically talented." They're probably more likely to, if they think about it, assume the latter ("she must need to distract me from the fact that some male guitarist is really playing this solo", or some BS like that).

And I mean yeah -- it'll get more guys to buy your record. (See Chuck Klosterman's revolting analysis of Lita in his memoir Fargo Rock City -- or don't, it was repulsive enough to convince me to never read another word of his writing regardless of subject.) But here's the thing: Even if in the short term, sexing it up is making it easier for you, it's a) making it harder for other female musicians and b) a crappy strategy in the long run.

Think about it: If you not only play well, but you also tart yourself up a la Femme Fatale, you're basically perpetuating the status quo not only for yourself, but also in that other women musicians are all going to be expected to show a lot of side ass and get freaky with inanimate objects too. And this strategy also entails long-term losses: Watch any history o' metal-type show on Vh-1 or wherever, and you'll find a zillion (male) talking heads reminiscing not about Lita's musical abilities, but about that time she humped an ice cube. SIGH.

The biggest twist to all this: If there's one woman out there who probably doesn't give a shit about all this criticism, it's Lita herself. Read any interview with her. This is a woman who sticks to her guns (sometimes, uh, literally), and has no regrets. While I suppose sticks and stones may break her bones, blog posts like mine definitely won't hurt her.

P.S.: Don't get the title? Come on, sing it! "Spandex, and pleather / brought us all together!"

Great White, "Stick It"

It's Shark Week Again

THE VIDEO Great White, "Stick It," Great White, 1984, EMI

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "I'm out on the road, and I'm rockin'! / (Stick it, stick it) / I'm on out the road there's no stoppin' / (Stick it, stick it)"

THE VERDICT Don't let the fact that most Great White songs are either covers or pretty terrible ballads (not to mention the fact that at this point they are way more famous for causing considerable death and devastation than they are for even "Once Bitten, Twice Shy") keep you away from this gem. This is a great song. For serious. They managed a couple of genuinely great songs back in their day, and this is one of them ("On Your Knees" is the other one, if you're wondering.)

This video is no slouch either. Even more than I enjoy songs about the right to rock, I love metal videos that feel like they're from some lost 80s movie that desperately needs to be unearthed. "Stick It" is actually sort of a combination of that with like, a long lost ZZ Top video -- I mean fantasy, babes, a car? That's serious Top territory. And of course, bathing suits of the 80s, which always provide a fun trip down memory lane (or just like, to the ever-pornier American Apparel).

So the video takes us through the (increasingly surreal) misadventures of a youngish teen guy working at a greasy spoon diner that appears to exist well, literally nowhere -- it's surrounded by white space at all times. His boss is a big fat dude with glasses. The colors are very drab and washed out -- the entire diner is more or less gray with some tan and rust, and all the customers are dressed in neutral colors (lots of black).

Things start off pretty normal, with the kid and the fat dude serving the customers sitting at the counter. Slowly, the kid edges away, and heads over to a radio mounted on the wall to turn up the volume.

Doing so causes a sort of video-photo of Jack Russell to come flinging out of the radio, overtaking the screen until we are watching Great White perform. The band is in front of a small crowd of people, and they're lit by spotlights which we can completely see (we can even see the people operating them, always an extra touch of class). Great White are a skeezy band even at their best, and this video is no exception. Mark Kendall is absurdly perky, pursing his lips and waggling his guitar at the crowd. Not-long-for-this-band members Lorne Black (bass) and Gary Holland (drums) similarly telegraph overenthusiasm, and we also need to mention are way better looking than the core of the band, Russell and Kendall (Holland looks like a lighter-haired Tommy Lee, and Black looks about like Rick Savage did around this time, again with slightly different hair). Is it KISS syndrome? Sort of, except none of the various members of KISS have ever been even kind of good looking.



Jack Russell looks, of course, like a total skeezoid. I will forever be baffled by all the anecdotes about the revolving door of skanks that his tourbus was. Him? Really? He's got ratty, thinning hair, and is wearing a white leather vest and a gold chain with nothing else (at least that we can see, I'm sure he is wearing pants. Or at least satiny briefs, ew ew).

We jump back to the diner, where the kid's boss has noticed what he's doing, and yanked him away from the radio. He marches him around to the front of the counter, where the customers watch with blase expressions as he's thrown to the ground. As we see the kid lying on the ground looking up at them, one might notice the perfect fried eggs laying there next to him. Remember those.

We're back with the band for a second, then we return to the diner, where the kid is behind the counter again. Though the customers were eating normal food from plates at the beginning of the video, now there are just these pairs of fried eggs laying all over the place. The diner also apparently is using all its coffee pots to hold slightly blue-tinted water. Remember those, too.

The kid starts to refill one of the customer's water glasses, when suddenly he spots something. We get a close-up of his jaw dropping and his eyes going all wide. What could he possibly see? Come on, it's a metal video, you know darn well what he's seeing! Chicks. The camera zooms out the window, where suddenly we see four women in heels and one-piece bathing suits hanging around a large white sedan. One girl sits on the hood, one lounges on top of the car, while the other two sit partially hanging out the windows, tossing a beach ball back and forth over the top of the car. They all smile and throw the beach ball toward him as they notice his stare. Oh, did I mention the car exists in just empty, white space? It does.

We go back to a close-up of the boy's eyes, then we see that he is still pouring the water. The customer pulls the glass away, and the water continues to pour and pour, splashing all over the counter and getting everywhere. Apparently it really is a bottomless beverage deal at this diner. The kid finally runs out of water, and jerks his head around as if he has noticed something else. Two men we haven't seen before who are dressed I guess as cooks (they have aprons around their waists) are doing a complicated juggling act over the diner counter. Celery, baguettes, pans, and more are tossed back and forth.

The kid looks outside again, and sees all the women now sitting in a row, drinking soda through straws. His attention is quickly distracted though, as his fat boss is coming after him. He looks back outside, and one of the women is smiling as she pours blue water from a coffee pot all over herself.



The boss grabs the kid by the neck again, yanking him around the counter. He shoves a mop into his hand, then points -- the kid is supposed to clean the diner, which is suddenly absolutely filthy, with piles of garbage on every surface. He trudges slowly further into the room.

But then oh, we're back with the band, and Mark Kendall is working his way to a furious guitargasm. The crowd shake their fists, and I love that you can clearly see one guy turn and check whether he's on camera. Congrats dude, you are. I also like that someone else in the crowd keeps holding up a pair of sunglasses and trying to align them with the ones on Mark's face for no clear reason. They're sort of like, "well, as long as we're having to be part of this Great White video, we may as well make the best of it."

Following a long segment featuring pretty much just Mark's right hand, we see Lorne and Jack sort of thrusting away in unison. Jack is indeed wearing pants -- red leather. Could've been worse.

After much screaming and thrusting, we're back at the diner, which is still trashed. Dishes are everywhere, as are those baguettes that were being juggled before. The kid looks disgusted and confused as he walks around, while his boss looks on from the corner. For some reason, the patrons have TP'd the diner, and so now toilet paper is hanging from the lighting fixtures.

The kid looks out the window, and he sees the women getting into the car, which is now facing away from the diner. As they close the doors, we go back to the band, where Jack is encouraging the crowd to raise their fists in unison. We see some girls in the crowd chanting "stick it!" After some shots of Jack and Mark looking and acting lecherous, we see a ridiculous dude in the crowd (with a horrible mustache -- I mean, more horrible than most even) take off his sunglasses and attempt a scary face. I can just imagine some poor AD being like "Yeah! Now show me more metal, more metal, that's it!" Then Jack holds his mic out to Lorne so he can say "stick it!"

The camera zooms out from Great White, and then we're back at the diner. The boss appears to be lecturing the kid, who looks exasperated. Behind them, the diner appears to be on fire. The kid walks away from the fire, his boss, and the filth, and looks out one of the windows, bracing his arms against the windowpanes.

His boss continues to hector him, and he looks back at him before gazing out the window again. Suddenly, he pulls his arms back and punches through the window with both fists, shattering the glass. He jumps out the window, landing on all fours. The ladies open up the driver's side door, and the kid army crawls toward the car (which I'm thinking now is a Cadillac). They all gesture to him to come get in, although the one in the red suit seems underwhelmed at the prospect.



As he jumps in and slams the door, we go back to Great White. The video ends with everyone throwing their hands in the air, and Gary throwing a drumstick in the air. It fades out on a shot of just the drumstick flying through the air.

So given all that, I know there's one question on everybody's minds: Was it all a dream? Is Jack wearing a wig in later Great White videos? His hair looks pretty sparse and ratty here, but especially right up front -- his hairline looks pretty dicey, and I swear there are some shots where you can see right through the middle. And yet within just a couple of years, he's got a lush, full mane of blonde hair replete with thick, straight bangs. On the one hand, possibly he's not just a member, he's also a client or whatever, and he magically grew an incredible amount of thick, evenly textured hair completely unlike what he's working with here. But given that all through their later albums, he's got exactly the same haircut (and never moves his head around that much either, come to think of it), and it's not even a very metal haircut -- do you think it's a rug? I mean, years later, now with shorter hair, it doesn't like it did in the band's most successful years.

I don't know how they didn't manage to use this song in the gymnastics movie Stick It, which if you're wondering was pretty good (and did have some okay music since I do enjoy the occasional Jock Jam), even if the jokes were kind of off and the heroine was seriously the tallest gymnast in the history of elite gymnastics. Dang, now I am wishing I had cable so I could watch (among the zillion other things I'd watch if I had cable) that bitchy gymnasts show on ABC Family. That show looked pretty good.

The one movie alert cinema-going metalheads may have noticed that this was in was the Harold and Kumar sequel (Escape from Guantamano Bay). Good gracious it was horrible, way too topical, and nearly ruined my goodwill toward both the hilarious first movie and Beverly D'Angelo, BUT. In the scene where they are hanging out with George Bush in his little hunting-lodge-type house, you can hear this song playing quietly in the background. It darn near made me burst into spontaneous applause in the theater! Mainly because it was the high point of the film, but seriously, that was the case not just because the movie was awful, but because this song never gets the respect and credit it deserves. Hence, here I am now -- and here you are now. Go listen to it!

P.S.: Remember when I made that whole plan about how I was going to talk less about what happens in the videos and write shorter posts? Yeah, I remember it too. Sigh.

KISS, "Who Wants to Be Lonely?"

The Rock 'N' Wrestling Connection

THE VIDEO KISS, "Who Wants to Be Lonely?" Asylum, 1985, Mercury/Polygram

Click here to watch this video NOW

SAMPLE LYRIC "Who wants to be loh-own-lay / who wants to be with you tonight / oh-oh-oh-OH-oh, oh-oh-oh-OH-oh"

THE VERDICT So why on earth am I devoting an entire post to this WTF-fest of a video? I mean, the entire first 45 seconds consists of nothing but Paul Stanley in an incredibly ridiculous neon, sparkly trenchcoat and fringed hot-pink gloves walking down some kind of industrial hallway (maybe a boiler room? There's steam and fire). Literally. There's nothing else. This is KISS without makeup in the sense that they aren't wearing their signature black-and-white facepaint, but it is KISS with makeup in the sense that they sure have put on a lot of eyeshadow.

And then when it gets going, it only gets weirder. KISS appear to be playing in some kind of industrial women's bathroom (think white tile, weird pipes and valves everywhere) that in addition to featuring many leather-clad ladies also has the dancing fountains from the Bellagio. The question for the women is less "who wants to be lonely?" and more "who wants to get hosed down by Paul and Gene?" Because all these video babes -- dressed sort of like female, skin-baring versions of Rob Halford -- are standing under individual showerheads and/or being sprayed with water from off-camera. Water, water everywhere, but not a plot to speak of.

What else happens? Paul takes off his shirt, of course. We find out the dark area separating Eric Carr from the rest of the band is a swimming pool. One of the women falls into the pool, and another gets all sexy with a big valve wheel. Many, many shots of the various ladies dancing beneath their showerheads. Many of those are from a low angle and basically just show legs and butts, though to be fair, we also get a lot of crotch shots of KISS. We see lots of Paul and Gene singing together, and very few shots of Eric or Bruce Kulick.



More random occurrences: A woman in some kind of black leather apron getting spooled out from a long swath of white fabric. Paul doesn't even pretend to play his guitar. Bruce rises out of the swimming pool during the solo. And one of the women dances her way out of a wall of cellophane. For the finale, a shirtless Paul gets cleaned off by some of the ladies before returning to the hallway from the beginning of the video, which is now on fire.

I could describe this video in three letters -- WTF. But I could also describe it using three other letters -- WWF. Or I suppose technically by law now I have to say WWE, but really I still use both interchangeably (and often just refer to it as WW). Why do I say this? Many reasons. And not just because I am kind of obsessed with professional wrestling, and sort of have been since I was about seven (sort of goes well with the metal, no?).

First, the weird boiler room/hallway thing Paul is in at the beginning of this video has always instantly made me think of No Holds Barred, the crappy Hulk Hogan vehicle. Click on that link and watch the trailer -- Zeus is totally in that same weird hallway as Paul Stanley!

Second, just look at what Paul is wearing (or really any of the members of KISS, since they all are wearing variations on the same outfit). A long, glittery, multi-colored coat over either a) a bare chest or b) a super low-cut shirt, with colorful spandex pants and boots. Paul even goes so far as to top off his look with a wide gold belt. Um, who does this sound like?! How about any wrestler ever!??! Or okay, fine, any wrestler in the 80s (though it also sounds like Gorgeous George, so).



Seriously, there's a long line of spangly coats worn by wrestlers that goes from the Ric Flairs of yesteryear to the John Morrisons of today. I would say with all the neon, sparkles, and chest hair, for me Paul is most reminiscent of the Macho Man, Randy Savage. And it's a symbiotic relationship too, as you can draw a straight line from metal costumery to the type of ringwear favored by the Rockers, the Rock 'N' Roll Express, or even folks like the Road Warriors/the Legion of Doom, and the Ultimate Warrior (though in the latter cases I think the Mad Max movies are the confounding variable).

Third, all of the pointless decorative women. I know, I know -- it's a feature of like every metal video circa 1985. But pro wrestling also has a long history of pointless decorative women -- the valets, from Miss Elizabeth to Sherri and everyone else in between. Yes, these days the women actually do get to wrestle a bit more (not just in women-only franchises like GLOW but also on the main nationally televised wrestling programs), but nine times of ten its in something ridiculous like a "Red Carpet Dress to Impress" match, a "Baywatch" match, a "Divas Pajama Pillowfight" match, or something else to render them relatively decorative and pointless as compared to the men.

Fourth, all of the crotch shots. I can't explain it, but no matter how many cameras they have covering a pro wrestling match, they always will manage to cut to the one that is positioned directly between the legs of whomever is in a submission hold, getting pinned, or is otherwise just laying all splayed out in the ring. Honestly, it's kind of weird. I mean sometimes it's someone like Randy Orton, so it's okay, but other times, like when it's Sheamus, I just don't need to see all that.

Long story short, I can't completely hate this video -- much as I do -- because it reminds me of one of my other favorite things. Professional wrestling! The two really go together. Wrestling theme songs are some of the only places I can still dig up songs that actually sound a lot like lyrical metal -- for example, Christian's current theme or even Dolph Ziggler's music. Just imagine those being done by Warrant and Winger! Oh, I die. I mean, imagine if the Rock 'n' Wrestling Connection had really gotten going -- it's got to be a similar demographic, right? So why can't TNA get Poison to perform at one of their pay-per-views?

P.S.: Because a picture is worth a thousand words, peep the side-by-side comparison:

W.A.S.P., "I Wanna Be Somebody"

Tell Me Whatcha Want, What You Really Really Want

THE VIDEO W.A.S.P., "I Wanna Be Somebody," W.A.S.P., 1984, Capitol

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Ohhhhhhh / I jest got ta beeee / up hii-iiiiigh where the whole world's watchin' meeee / 'cause I / I got the guts to be somebody / I! / wanna be somebody, be somebody soon / I wanna be somebody, be somebody SOON!"

THE VERDICT There are so many awesome things going on in this video I don't know where to start. I know, haters will always hear the title for this song and say something along the lines of, "well, I see that didn't happen," but for me W.A.S.P. are total freakin' rock stars in this video. Minus women in bondage, it's basically every element of W.A.S.P. distilled into one video. Oh and plus a skeleton hand opening the door that for some reason W.A.S.P. is playing right behind.

Let's begin with the outfits, because even if W.A.S.P. has in my opinion an amazing sound, their look is what really hits you over the head. Seriously, if this album came out now, they'd be opening for Lady GaGa. Blackie Lawless has his crazy white streaks in his hair, his circular saw cuffs, and ridiculously high-heeled boots on. Randy Piper is also in heeled boots which are thigh-high, and attached to some kind of leather panty by full-size chains. I mean really W.A.S.P. Really. You have out-KISSed KISS with that one.

Chris Holmes is dressed the most normally (all black leather, chains across chest), and honestly we don't see drummer Tony Richards stand up really at all in this video so I don't know what he's wearing (except a lot of eyeliner). But whatever, Blackie and Randy's outfits are more than enough for me.



Now we move on to the set, which is vaguely similar to the arrangement they have going on their album cover. The guitarists are all arrayed on these long platforms, with torches set up in between them and dry ice smoke everywhere. At various points they jump from platform to platform. Blackie in particular really gets some serious vertical, which is impressive given that he's a quite tall man who is also wearing quite tall heels.

They all also straddle multiple platforms at various times, which is awesome. I feel like W.A.S.P. spend a lot of time figuring out how they'll look cool standing. I mean when Blackie gets up on the middle platform with his legs splayed and knees bent, he really looks like some kind of bad ass demon. Somehow the high heels give the impression of him being a satyr (i.e. having goat legs).

When they aren't on set, we get these little sequences that imply W.A.S.P. (or at least the better-known members there of) lead an awesome, rock star lifestyle (remember, this is a few years before Decline II came out, so we can just ignore the whole dark side of that for now). Chris Holmes is seen standing astride several bikers' Harleys, pouring beer into his mouth, and spitting it out everywhere.

Blackie gets an even cooler sequence, acting out the "I want shiny cars / and dirty mon-ay" lyrics (though this part of the video is especially hard to see). He's in the back of a limo with a bunch of blonde women, who are all throwing piles of money around. Blackie (who I should also mention is wearing giant 70s-style sunglasses) swigs from a bottle of champage and also spits it out everywhere. And people think "Space Lord" was the first metal video to showcase living large!



The video also features a getting-to-know-you sequence at the end, which I love. We see photos of each band member float toward the camera. Interestingly, they let guitarist Chris go last -- I feel like every other one of these I can think of, the lead singer gets to go last.

W.A.S.P. finish off the video with complete awesomeness (and also elements of their stage show). Blackie lights the ring around the W.A.S.P. logo on fire, and then proceeds to headbang in just a perfect, textbook circle. Honestly, it's got to kill his neck, but it looks unbelievably great. He then finishes things off by lifting a skull above his head, and then dumping a bunch of blood from it onto his face (and into his open mouth). It really doesn't get much more badass than this.

My one complaint? Seriously, I don't know what is going on with the camera in this video. At some points, the band appears to be being filmed through chicken wire; at other times, a fishnet stocking. Sometimes it reminds me of those little looking glasses they sell at museum shops where you can see how insects see, with like all those tiny little facets of glass. Honestly since it's W.A.S.P., part of me is like "Chris Holmes probably threw a beer at the camera, and they didn't bother to clean it off, knowing he'd just throw another one." But honestly, the camera's not helping the legibility of this video (which it's im-frickin'-possible to find a decent copy of anywhere).

But getting back to the good stuff, let me also mention this is a great song. Yes, I do feel like they kind of just reworked the guitar solo in this song for "Wild Child," but whatever, that's also a great song. I just realized in retrospect this is my second week in a row doing an inspirational song -- okay, this song isn't inspirational per se, but it is certainly aspirational. I mean, I do wanna be somebody, be somebody soon. I mean I guess I don't want the "nine to five" but in a technical sense my dissertation will likely work my "fingers to the bone," so I don't know. All I do know is Blackie Lawless + great costumes + fire + money + Chris Holmes + booze + skeletons = awesome.

Pretty Boy Floyd, "Rock N Roll"

Send in the Clones

THE VIDEO Pretty Boy Floyd, "Rock N Roll (Is Gonna Set the Night on Fire)", Leather Boyz with Electric Toyz, 1989, MCA

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SAMPLE LYRIC "Let me take you one step higher / rock 'n' roll is gonna set the night on fire / rock 'n' roll is gonna set the night on fire / yeah"

THE VERDICT Why is it that ever since "Rock and Roll All Nite" (personally one of my least favorite KISS songs), every band has to make a song that is a tribute to, well, rocking? Think about it: "The Right to Rock" (Keel), "I Wanna Rock" (Twisted Sister), "Rock Rock! ('Til You Drop)" (Def Leppard). And generally, the weaker the band, the goofier the song, and the harder they seem to feel they have to convince you of their ability to rock -- viz. the Vinnie Vincent Invasion's "Boyz Are Gonna Rock."

Pretty Boy Floyd is one of those bands where you know a label thought "well we'll just sign ten of these and see what sticks." They managed to make a surprising number of videos from this album before being unceremoniously dropped by MCA, and this near-success may have helped them to reunite nearly ten years later for album #2. In spite of giving their first effort three stars, All Music describes Leather Boyz with Electric Toyz as "definitely a CD to avoid." (Though let me also mention it doesn't have their one pretty good song, "Shut Up," which is too bad.)



Like Trixter, Pretty Boy Floyd suffer from the disjuncture between the Good Guy and the Bad Boy. However, they have the opposite version: Bad Boy image, Good Guy lyrics. Gangster references and black leather aside, PBF have Good Guy lyrics -- just listen to "I Wanna Be With You." It's about dating a girl in high school, for pete's sake! And to clarify, this is not in the Winger sense -- this is while you yourself are in high school. Again, this is not a Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused situation.

And yet, right around this same time, guitarist Kristy 'Krash' Majors appeared on Donahue in an amazing "Rockers and Their Moms" episode (that sadly, PBF themselves have had yanked from YouTube!). I mean check out all the eyeliner on these guys. In terms of style, they are somewhere between the glam and biker quadrants (gosh, I think I need to chart this out somehow). PBF are not cute n' cuddly Bon Jovi types.

But at the same time, they're so... pretty. And shooting all their videos with all these saturated, high-contrast colors is doing them a lot of favors. If anyone should have learned a lesson from LA Guns videos, I mean, that was it. It makes the pale skin pop against all the waving ebony tresses and eyeliner. Also Steve 'Sex' Summers' hat is straight out of Phil Lewis' closet.



This is particularly the case with our vocalist Steve -- approximately half the shots in the video are close-ups of his face, hair, and lace-gloved right hand. Even though bassist Vinnie Chas is blond, it's really the instruments that allow us to tell the members of Pretty Boy Floyd apart from one another. Otherwise, for all four, the ingredients are as follows: Super-shiny hair (a lot of hot oil treatments for this band I'm thinking); tight black leather (though Steve gets some red); eyeliner (black); lipstick (red); hoop earrings (silver and large). They kind of come off less glam and more drag, since it's not that over-the-top -- PPF are probably closest in appearance to Lizzie Borden, whose vocalist was actually going for a drag look. Also worth mentioning is that minus the clean hair, this is pretty much how they dress Jenny on Gossip Girl.

The parts of the video that aren't close-ups of Steve's face are more or less a shot-for-shot remake of VVI's "Boyz Are Gonna Rock." Weirdo opening? Check. Increasing levels of guitar face and vocal histrionics? Check. Does the guitarist burn and smash his guitar? Check. Do we have a lot of pyro for the finale? Indeed we do.



The only real differences are less colorful outfits, as noted above, and a set that is more reminiscent of -- okay bear with me, but it reminds me of a combination of a Warrant stage set (platforms, band's name written really big) but with the band's name written more in the style of the vulgar tee shirts favored by the band's members (Jerry in "Big Talk," Jani in "Down Boys"). (On a related note, since no one in the fashion world can come up with anything new, this "Frankie Say Relax" / Wham! look has actually become a popular t-shirt style again thanks to the UK's House of Holland.)

Anyway, the stage is covered with the band's name written in big, white on black block letters. Someone should have thought harder about this set design, because since the word "Floyd" is on the actual part they can walk on, unless it's an overhead shot, all you can see is "Pretty Boy." This makes me think not of gangsters but of parrots. And yes, while obviously the main definition of this word involves colorful birds, "parrot" also means to "repeat mindlessly." Touché, set designer, touché.

Scorpions, "The Rhythm of Love"

Babes! In! Spaaaaaace!


THE VIDEO Scorpions, “The Rhythm of Love,” Savage Amusement, 1988, Polydor

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SAMPLE LYRIC “Ze rhythm of love! / [keeps me dancing on the road] / ze rhythm of love! / [got the groove that hits the bone] / ze rhythm of love / [is the game I’m looking for] / ze rhythm of love / [is the heartbeat of my soooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuullll]”

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION The camera pans through a depopulated, futuristic urban landscape of oddly shaped buildings (think the Space Needle meets Blade Runner), some of which periodically shoot flames. They’re all done in dark, drab colors but lit by a reddish orange sunset (or smog-filled sky, hard to tell). A crappy looking plane (I guess it’s supposed to be a space shuttle, but from this angle it looks like a fighter plane) comes in from the bottom left and flies between the buildings toward a big mountain (or pyramid maybe) type thing in the background.

A futuristic-looking brunette (her clothes are like Paco Rabanne in the 80s) steps out to look at it, and it zooms on toward this mountain-type thing, which is basically like a mountain but covered in uhhh… covered in the stuff the Terminator is made out of. Not the liquidy silver stuff, but the like, wires and cables and robot stuff. It’s topped off by a super-skinny castle, sort of like an anorexic version of the Emerald City (and also uh, gray and not green). The plane heads straight for that as the sky turns blue-gray and lightning flashes. As the plane gets closer, random plumes of flame shoot up on different parts of the mountain.



Another future babe in a black catsuit thing walks along, lost in thought but still managing to touch herself provocatively. She walks past a window through which the orange sky is visible as she unzips her catsuit. The plane settles down to land on a little landing pad by a rectangular opening in the mountain, but we only see that for two seconds cause as Klaus Meine starts to sing, we see a random shot of a babe mussing her hair with parted lips.

The Scorpions are silhouetted and backlit as they enter the weird opening, then that lady starts sort of dancing a little bit, Tawny Kitaen-style. The Scorps are performing as per usual, but the actual stage appears to be made up of futuristic looking wires, pipes, etc (think a really crappy, like an untalented 13-year-old’s imitation of an H.R. Giger drawing).

Oh wow, they just showed two shots of women in succession that made me laugh out loud. It’s a little hard to tell what was happening cause they were severely cropped and lasted two seconds each, but in the first a woman sort of exposed her cleavage while talking on the phone, and in the second a blonde brandished a gold whip while making what was almost a parody of a sexy face.

We then see a bunch of the Scorps in succession: Klaus, Rudy (with absurdly teased hair), blonde guy I can’t remember the name of. Then we see that the dancing woman is actually sort of bobbing back and forth in front of a mirror while she continues to unzip her catsuit, followed by Matthias who is so into the music (already!) that he has his eyes closed. Then a backlit shot of a woman taking off a bra. Wow.



Oh wow. Again. Wow. As the music picks up a little, suddenly the floor in front of the Scorpions’ stage is covered in crawling, bikini-clad women. There’s a bunch more of different shots of the band members (including Herman) then—amazing—a more pulled back shot of the blonde, she actually appears to be dressed as some kind of futuristic Little Bo Peep. The thing I’d ID’d as a whip appears to be that giant hook that you use on a sheep (god knows how, but I’ve seen them a lot in cartoons). Oh wow, they keep showing her interspersed with shots of Klaus, she’s like playing with her jewelry or something but like…was this her first video or something? The faces she makes are priceless. The brunette’s hair gets blown by a fan one more time, then it’s the chorus.

The various band members nod firmly as Klaus shrieks “ze rhythm of lav!” and we see the brunette dancing around silhouetted behind an orange screen. She’s taking off a men’s shirt, showing that even in the year 3000 or whatever strippers have not gotten that much more creative. The Scorpions' onstage antics (kicking, singing into the same mic) are causing the women on the floor (who I can now see are in torn-up, what I always think of as Les Mis-style outfits) to crawl more furiously. Wow.

Okay, the woman in gold is wearing an enormous cone bra (think what Gautier made for Madonna, but in like a DD) that is covered in gold rope. It looks like she’s wearing a couple of beehives, but I guess this is what we will think is sexy in the future. The woman behind the screen finally struggled her way out of that shirt, and we get a bunch of reaction shots of women making sexy eyes at the camera (which reminds me of Zoolander). Also, I’ve just figured out that the jewelry-type thing one of the women keeps fiddling with is a large pendant shaped like a scorpion.



Okay, verse again, so now one of the women is taking a shower. Matthias (eyes still closed) smiles to himself, and Rudy—between the teased hair and the inevitable porn star mustache—I can’t even bring myself to comment. He’s doing this entire song grinning and leaning forward while standing with legs akimbo. The woman behind the screen is interacting more with the stool she’s got back there now (sorry, forgot to mention—there’s also a pole she keeps grabbing).

In the other room, that one brunette is still in front of a fan, and still engaged in sexy struggle with the zipper on that catsuit. We see more of the Scorpions, then more of the heinous blonde lady, then Klaus mimes the “don’t you close your eyes” line Dio-style, by waving his hands with fingers apart in front of his face. He actually looks like a version of Dio with more delicate features, come to think. Ooh there was a really brief shot of a woman petting a white cat in there—subtlety, always the Scorpions’ strength.

Oh wow! Jeez, they went all out for this one. Okay, there are a bunch of poorly lit boob shots leading up to the chorus, but there is one amazing shot where two of the Les Mis dancers knock their butts together in front of the bass drum. It happens for two seconds, but it is worth the two seconds it takes to rewind and pause. Anyway. Now the brunette is getting into a red sportscar for some reason, and here’s the blonde again—she’s like sitting in some sort of throne, and the thing she’s holding is actually just a bunch of rope. Sigh. She also has an incredibly foolish looking crown thing on her head.



The brunette pulls her legs into the car and touches herself some more for the second chorus. We also see another woman who is silhouetted in blue light and dancing around and playing with her hair. Flash pots have started to go off behind the Scorpions’ stage. One of the Les Mis dancers shakes her ass, and the blonde lady continues to try to make the right face. All the Scorpions continue to punctuate the song with their chins, and also by jabbing their guitars. Now larger explosions are happening on either side of the stage. All of the band members sing along.

For the guitar solo, the camera pans past the torsos of women in very 80s-style bikinis. Matthias dances around like crazy and there are lots of explosions, and for some reason they also show a lot of shots of Herman (everyone else appears to have left the stage in some of the shots). Haha, the women in front of the stage are waving their fists in the air. Oh wow, there was just quite the butt shot. They are only showing these for like not even half a second each. Now the brunette is all the way in the car, but she is sticking her legs (she’s wearing stockings and black heels) out the driver’s side window and rubbing them.



As the vocals kick in again, explosions abound, and that main brunette makes faces at the camera. Whoa, more butts! And now the blonde is sort of rubbing herself with the rope. The brunette keeps covering parts of her face with her hair. Lots of sexy reaction shots (eyes go wide, touch mouth with hand) of the women are interspersed with lots of unsexy reaction shots of the Scorpions. Oh man, now they have all the Les Mis dancers shaking their butts in a row (and the camera is showing only their butts).

There’s also a brief shot of I think the brunette wearing a minidress and walking away from the camera carrying something, it’s unclear what but she is outside. She appears to be attaching whatever it is to the bottom of the Scorpions’ plane. They won’t stop showing the blonde woman. The Scorpions walk away, and we see them in silhouette again (they put Klaus in the middle so he looks especially short).

The Scorpions then sort of evaporate (disappear anyway), and we see their plane lift off. Oh, but that lady’s bomb drops off of their plane -- sorry, forgot to mention that on second viewing, realized she was attaching a bomb to the bottom of their spacecraft in the previous shot. So as the song winds down with the quiet singing part, the ladies’ mountain palace explodes. It’s weird because this whole video had been looking mostly like crappy computer animation, but in this scene it looks like they are blowing up a model. Actually in this scene the whole cityscape looks much less ornate, so maybe they are blowing up a model. The Scorpions definitely very computer-generated plane then flies away as the future babes’ mountain palace burns.

THE VERDICT So I actually wrote the description of this video literally more than a year ago -- in July 2006. That’s crazy. I thought doing what I do now I would have way more time to blog, but apparently being chained to a desk in an office is way better for that kind of productivity than basically having all the time on earth to do whatever the hell you want.

Never the less, this thing has been going on too long for me to give up now, so I’m back. I’m working on fixing up the way this thing looks -- I’m still not so hot with the CSS, but I’m working on it. Or I will be anyway. I still heart the metal, and no matter how many times I move away from it, I always find my way back -- let’s face it, I listen to a lot of different stuff, but this is the only music I consistently like. I never don’t feel like listening to it. Even filthy, filthy tracks like this one.

So, in spite of how exhaustive my description is, I left myself (a year ago) no notes as to the verdict! Well no, actually -- I left a couple. They are these: “Okay uhh, someone watched Heavy Metal a few too many times.” And “One of the most awesome Jonny Quest episodes is where Race kills a scorpion with a whip.” In trying to label this video -- as much as I hate on Blogger, I love the labeling feature -- I realized there is like, nothing that isn’t in this video.

I mean jeez, they’re in friggin’ space, and then all the sudden the brunette is feeling herself up in a car. A car! Not a like, hovercar or anything, just a car. Why is the sports car in space? There are explosions, spaceships, women in every sort of costume, fire, the friggin’ car… I mean really. The Scorpions gave it all they had on this one. Like every Scorpions song, if you only listen to the parts you can understand (basically, “ze rhythm of love!” screamed over and over again), you think it’s kind of romantic (or something), but if you actually look up the less intelligible lyrics, you realize that, like every Scorpions song, it’s hella dirty (“an exploding shot of pleasure / is what I’ve got for you”). Ewwww! I just don’t want to find that beat I’m apparently looking for with Klaus Meine, sorry but true.

P.S.: Like Pigs! In! Spaaaaace!

Mötley Crüe, "Live Wire"

This Video Is MADE OF WIN

THE VIDEO Mötley Crüe, "Live Wire," Too Fast for Love, 1981, Elektra

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SAMPLE LYRIC "'Cause I'm alive! / Liiiiiive wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-re! / 'Cause I'm alive! / I'm a liiiiiiiive wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-re!"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION The video opens with an image reminiscent of Scooby-Doo (for me, anyway) -- a semi-transparent, floating skull with a pentagram drawn in red on its forehead floating in front of a lit candelabra. This disappears, and the camera slides over to the right to capture the hand of Mick Mars at the guitar. We then see the hand of Nikki Sixx beckoning before his bass.

We see Mick's hands again, then we see Tommy Lee pound twice quickly on the drums. Next Mick finally gets a shot with his face in it, then Tommy points from atop his drum kit. Then it flashes back and forth between Mick playing guitar and Nikki holding his scary-looking bass behind his head. Before Vince Neil has even jumped down into the dry ice fog, we already know: This video is going to RÄWWWWWWWWWWWWWK.

Vince immediately begins shaking his platinum mane, and then we see Tommy from above. He has a gong behind his drums, so get ready (okay, he doesn’t actually use it). Vince and Nikki jump around a little, and Mick looks scary (duh) as Vince begins to sing. Vince is wearing red leather pants and a matching red leather vest with two large, studded belts, one has black and the other is like all studs. He's also got on multiple studded wrist and arm bands, as well as little fingerless leather gloves that say "Mötley Crüe" on them in the original style which he also wears in "Looks That Kill." Vince shakes his hips in a way that almost makes you forget how he'll look in a few years. But not quite.

Vince also moves around a lot and appears to sing every single word, so yeah, a lot of things are different. In a few of the shots, you can see that there's a big "Mötley Crüe" sign somewhere in back, but only the word "Crüe" (again, done in the original logo style) is visible toward the right. This video has a bunch of mostly red lights in it, and often Vince's hair seems kind of glow-y, but for the most part it's real dark. Also, forgot to mention, Vince has a big choker-style leather necklace on with something hanging from it. It may be more than one, actually.



After a long time of Vince (hey, they wanted him to be the face of the band, after all), we see Nikki. He maybe has some reddish streaks in his hair, and is super pale with bright red lipstick. He's wearing a sleeveless leather top with some chains across the front, big studded black leather fingerless gloves, red leather pants heavily draped with bondage-style chains, and black thigh-high boots.

We then quickly see Mick (who's mostly obscured throughout the video, he's wearing all black though) and Tommy. Tommy's sitting down for the duration of the video, but on his upper half he's wearing a torn, sleeveless fishnet top. Also, in case I forget to mention the obvious: Not a lot of tattoos at this point.

Vince gets really into things! Wow, this video is like a piece of living history. Even Mick hoists his guitar aloft for a moment. Mick has on his scary black cheekbone makeup, which he shows off by making a mean pouty face. We then get an overhead shot of Tommy, who by later standards is barely in this video at all. Mick makes more badass faces, then Nikki actually windmills on his bass a la Pete Townsend. With the build-up to the second verse, Vince makes emphatic movements with his mic, and Nikki continues to emphasize how hard he is rocking by headbanging with his entire upper body. Tommy wails on the drums, and Vince leans in toward Mick as he starts singing again.

Just like with the first verse, we mostly focus on Vince while he sings. He struts around with his mic like a real effing star, it must be said. He also emphasizes his vocals with a lot of, well, pointing, and sometimes he also points with his pinky to make the Dio symbol. Vince sings the awesome lead-in to the chorus with lots of pointing, then we see Nikki, Tommy, and Mick again, but for like two seconds each. It's mostly Vince screaming "I'm a liiiiiiiiiiive wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-rrrre!"



Next up it's the weird break, which Vince signals by sweeping his arm across his body and the lighting crew signals by switching from red lights to blue. Shots of the different band members playing fade into each other as the guitar kind of goes all sludgy for a second. Vince briefly channels David Johansen (this is a major compliment coming from me), then for whatever reason we see a green-lit, heavily-lipsticked Tommy Lee struggling against chains. He uses the Dio symbol to try to break them. This fades into a shot of a green-lit Vince lowering a blazing torch.

At this point, the real Vince begins to scream as the song starts to rock out again. Vince makes the Dio symbol with both hands as fire explodes on either side of him, leading in to what was at that time Mötley Crüe's biggest gimmick: Lighting Nikki's pants on fire. If it weren't for this video, it'd be just another anecdote in The Dirt.

Nikki hoists his bass aloft whilst his pants and boots burn. We then see Vince's hands grabbing either end of a "Live Wire," as he brings them together there's a big flash of green light. It also causes a lot more fog to appear, and when I say a lot I mean a lot. When they go to a wider shot, you can still see Vince, but you can't tell Nikki and Mick apart! (Note: Reading this for the second time, I'm not quite sure why I felt the exclamation point was necessary, but I'll let it stand anyway.)

Even though flashpots continue to spew flames in the background, the fog clears and you can clearly see Vince prancing around and Nikki and Mick leaning against each other up on the drum risers (this is also probably the most Mick's moved in any of their videos). The song only gets more badass as it nears it's conclusion: Vince sings super fast (and still gets all the words), Tommy drums wildly, and Nikki pounds his bass with his fist. Mick even gets in on the act, not so much spitting blood as sort of having a bunch of blood fall out of his mouth.



For the last two little start-stop things in the song, which are more exaggerated than the ones at the beginning, we first get Vince making a cheekbone-emphasizing pout while whipping his head around to the left, twice. Mick makes dramatic faces with his blood, and Vince flails back and forth with his mic stand. For the last one (the one with cowbell), Tommy even does his mouth open, one hand behind head thing!

Vince, Nikki, and Mick, work their way to the center of the stage to strike a pose just as the screen begins to shrink and spin off into the distance, leaving us with a still image of the album cover with a little picture showing the band silhouetted (sort of like how they are in the very beginning of "Too Young to Fall in Love") in the bottom left-hand corner.

THE VERDICT Um, it must be obvious by now, right? This video frickin' rules. I love it. I am having trouble finding any sort of fault with it at all. I guess maybe Nikki hasn't reached his maximum potential hotness yet, he’s still saving that for "Dr. Feelgood."

That's really it though. This video is like an amazing time capsule into the history of the Crüe. I mean, imagine if a video like this existed for Guns N Roses? "Sweet Child O' Mine" is like as studio as it gets ("Concept Version 1" my ass). While this video doesn't have a like insane lack of production values, it still gives you this look at the band's sort of original aesthetic. It's also (to my knowledge) the only video off of Too Fast For Love, so it's the only one where you get the original Crüe sound, which is really, really different from where they wind up later. It's just so raw sounding, I friggin' love it.

I also love the pentagrams and all red/black color scheme, which only really lasts through Shout at the Devil. Nikki still does it for Theatre of Pain, but by then Tommy and Mick are in all-black and Vince is having his brief dalliance with white and pink. Theatre of Pain is however where Nikki begins a multi-album flirtation with polka dots, which I adore. He looks so glam! But oh yeah, this video. Well, it was awesome.

Megadeth, "Symphony of Destruction"

Choose or Lose

THE VIDEO Megadeth, "Symphony of Destruction," Countdown to Extinction, 1992, Capitol

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SAMPLE LYRIC "just like the pi-ee-ed pi-perrr / led rats through-ough-ough the streets / we dance like marion-ettttttes / swaying to the SYM-PHON-AY / of des-truc-tion"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION Police on motorcycles ride away from the camera, superimposed in front of flames, superimposed in front of a building that's been painted with the American flag and the words "for the people" (just in case you didn't get where they were going with the rest of it). We see that the police are actually part of a motorcade leading a sedan or limo before that shot fades out. A finger pulls the trigger on a gun, then we have a close-up of an older white guy's face in black and white. When he opens his eye, the iris is bright red. Yes, Dave Mustaine is many things, but subtle is not one of them.

As the song kicks in, we see flames, and Dave's face sort of appears in them, but we quickly cut to a bunch of white good ol' boys (wait, actually there's one black dude there too, on the right) smoking cigars, drinking, laughing, and clapping each other on the shoulders in a restaurant (maybe a country club restaurant -- lots of trees are visible through the window). Feet in boots (attached to legs in jeans) march toward the camera, which is behind bars of some sort. We finally see part of Dave's face, then the camera pans past the good ol' boys to a shot of protesters outdoors by palm trees holding signs that say things like "peace now" being taken down by cops on horses and with night sticks.

We see a quick shot of lots of people approaching a barred gate carrying signs that imply that they're striking workers (guess that's what the legs shot was before), then Marty Friedman, then a close-in shot of the people (all Mexican dudes so far as I can tell) yelling and trying to bust through the gate.

We see some quick shots of stylized slo-mo headbanging, a graffitied wall (a picture of an older white dude that has tags all over it), more protesters being squashed, and the dudes at that restaurant table just having a laugh riot. As the chorus begins, Megadeth are momentarily visible, then the camera pans down past a '92 campaign sign attached to a telephone pole to a crowd of people waiting on a sidewalk to greet a limo that's pulling up. We then quickly see everyone -- Dave Mustaine, Dave Ellefson, Marty, and drummer Nick Menza -- before it's just all flames again.

A white haired dude and a lady in a Chanel-style suit emerge from the limo, and dorky looking white people applaud overly effusively. The politican dude makes a variety of gestures while the building with the American flag painting on it burns in the background, then the camera is above he and his wife as they shake hands with people and have their picture taken. We see many images of both Daves, then a particularly unflattering shot of the politician that's taken from beneath, so that his hearty guffaw looks a bit more sinister.



As Dave M. says "before the head explodes" a pistol fires straight at the camera, and we get more images of the band rocking out (I'm trying to think of a way to explain the way these images look, and I couldn?t figure it out until now -- "Enter Sandman." It is done exactly the same way as the shots of Metallica in "Enter Sandman." Now you get it.)

We briefly see another shot from beneath, which is sort of swirling and disorienting, then flames, then we see the politician dude lying down looking surprised while lots of people touch his face (remember the gunshot from a minute ago? Exactly). The millionth shot of Dave Mustaine sneering from a weird angle is followed by a shot of a homeless looking black man pushing a shopping cart past a store with signs that say "bankrupt" and "going out of business" in its windows, and also "for the people" campaign flyers for the politician. We then see the homeless man reflected in the shiny side of the limo, its window going up (with the politician inside it, waving mindlessly) as it reaches the man. We then see another older black man sitting as a child walks by holding an American flag.

For the guitar solo, we get Megadeth going nuts (naturally) but also the peace protesters from before really screaming too. Marty gets his hands shown a lot, if not his face, then we see a guy leaping over a heavily graffitied bench advertising the politician. Guys in construction hats turn hoses on the strikers behind the gate, and a cop on horseback jumps something as the peace protest devolves into a semi-riot, with a lot of shots of the trashed bench interspersed.

Following some shots of the strikers screaming while being drenched with water, one of the cops on horseback jumps his horse sort of through the bench, destroying it. Dave E. and Marty headbang in unison, and the limo slides by the camera again, this time reflecting bright orange flames on its side as the window goes down revealing the smiling and waving politician.

After lots of flames, we see the gun shooting at the camera again, and a clearer version of that earlier shot (the camera in front of some kind of municipal building tipping up then falling back, basically the pol's p.o.v as he reacts to being shot), then more soaked strikers. The shots zoom back and forth between the utterly wild protesters, the strikers, fire, and Dave M. making faces.

We then see the guys at the table again, and the people clapping, but then suddenly, within the crowd, we see the shooter. It is a black priest (huh?) raising the pistol toward the camera. Wait, then it's a fat older white guy doing it. And then an army guy. Ohhh-kay. It's the other three good ol' boys from the restaurant before, now all assassinating the one guy. Hm.

These are interspersed with images of the American flag painting burning and of course, Megadeth rocking out. Then the politician is grinning and kissing a disinterested baby in front of the burning building. The video ends with a much clearer version of the first image -- just a normal shot of police on motorcycles escorting the limo past the burning building as we hear JFK intoning, "Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country."



THE VERDICT As previously mentioned, neither subtlety nor restraint are included in Megadeth's repetoire. That said, I must say that I watch this video and just think, "man, those were the good old days." I mean, if Dave thought the country was going to shit then... well, none of us knew what was coming. Bush I was, in retrospect, a cakewalk -- and we even got great songs out of it, from Ministry's "N.W.O." to the Geto Boys' "Damn It Feels Good to Be a Gangster." Sigh... 1992? Headbanger's Ball (the real one!) was still on, a democrat was in the White House, flannel had not yet completely overtaken spandex... those were the days.

But I digress. What the hell happens in this video? We've got two worlds at work which never quite meet: The world of the people (the strikers, the rioters, etc.) and the world of the politicians (the country club, the limo, the handshaking and adulation). Even when the pols are close to the people -- driving by the homeless, symbolically burning buildings, and so on -- they remain oblivious, the car window providing a shield. All of it seems pretty obvious till we reach the denouement: What to make of the politician's assassination by any one of his comrades? Are we not to worry, for those in power will continuously undermine each other? Or is hope for change worthless, because another crappy leader will always rise to usurp the power of the last one? (Like in Heathers. Or uh, 1984.) After all, when the video ends, the building may be mostly burned down but the motorcade is still rolling.

One would think the lyrics might provide a clue, but one would be wrong. The song begins with the whole "you take a mortal man / and put him in control" thing, again sort of a 1984-style analysis, so you think to yourself, "Ok, I guess humans make for crap leaders." But then in the next verse you've got "acting like a robot / it?s metal brain corrodes." Apparently, robots (or computers) are not fit to lead either. With the final verse, however, you've got "a peaceful man stands tall." So maybe it's just all about being anti-war. Or maybe it's not about being a human or a robot or whatever, but about being the right kind of human. Oh oh, I've got it -- maybe it's about getting a democrat into the white house! Maybe I should listen to this song more....

Just when I thought it was safe to interpret this video: Alternate version alert! The original edit of this video features (toward the middle, when the pol is first shot) footage of an actual, random gunman firing multiple bullets at the politician. The gunman is seen from straight on and then from overhead, followed by much more graphic reaction shots of the politician (there's no blood, but his agony is much more obvious). In the version shown on MTV etc., this sequence is mostly replaced by the more suggestive point of view shots and footage of a handgun being fired straight at the camera. Anyway, with the addition of that, it's a much more straightforward assassination, and the other dudes with guns at the end are, I suppose, meant to be taken as completely symbolic -- sort of like, none of these people are actually allied with each other.

I also tracked down yet another version that keeps almost none of this footage -- the strikers still appear, and the gun firing, and the band footage is the same, but that's it. The rest of the video is footage of a conductor and orchestra interspersed with film of stuff blowing up -- a totally literal "Symphony of Destruction."