Tesla, "What You Give"

Dead Dogs and Warehouses  

THE VIDEO Tesla, "What You Give," Psychotic Supper, 1991, Geffen 

  

SAMPLE LYRIC "It's not what you got / it's what you give / it's not the life you choose / it's the one you live" 

THE VERDICT Okay, so I know that very little happens in this video. It's pretty much just Tesla playing the song in what appears to be the Blair Witch's house. In the whole beginning part when Jeff Keith is kind of by himself in another area, sort of half in shadow and tangled up in wires, I keep expecting he's going to come into the main room and see Brian Wheat just standing there facing into the corner. Jeff does have his eyes closed until like, halfway into this video, so maybe he's scared. 

Seriously, what is it about these sort of unfinished spaces — whether warehouses or barns — that metal video directors decided telegraphs a certain kind of authenticity? And I mean, are Tesla the kind of band that even needs to bother with that? I mean no one looks at Troy Luccketta and is like "That guy's trying too hard. What a poseur." 

I don't know, maybe they were trying to counterbalance Frank Hannon's elaborately crocheted sweater. (Yes, my other hobby — approximately as non-metal as you can get — is crochet.) I kind of think that Jeff rocking the denim-vest-over-leather-jacket look does enough of that, but whatever. 

Anyway, this week the video's not really what I want to talk about (and nooo, for once I don't want to tell a long anecdote about myself either!). I actually want to talk about this song, which I freaking love. 

Well, I halfway do. I love the verse, and hate the chorus, which is actually pretty common for me. In the case of "What You Give," it's just that it goes way too Hallmark with all the rhyming. But I think the bigger offense is just repetition — jeepers jolly, they repeat the chorus just ad nauseam toward the end of the song, in an increasingly frantic way. About the only song that I enjoy this in is "Cherry Pie." 

Here though, if sheer repetitiveness hasn't already worn you down, the part where Tommy Skeoch screams it in a guttural voice will. Ew. It's like cheese squared.

 

But the rest of the song! Oh the rest of the song. It's the kind of thing I want to doodle in ballpoint pen in the margins of every notebook I own! "I feel so lonely and I know I'm not the only one / to carry on this way / I love you so much I lose track of time! / Lose track of the days." I mean this is what you want love to be like, people. 

Okay, maybe not the loneliness part. But no, I don't think it's like, an existential loneliness song. It's more of a temporarily-apart-via-circumstances-somewhat-beyond-our-control song. And then when they reprise the beginning, and turn it into the second person — "You're the one, that makes me happy / oh yeah bay-bee! / you're the one always on my mind" etc. I. Can't. Even. Deal. 

"Why can't forever be, forever and nothin' more?" That is exactly the kind of lyrical nothing — a sort of vague profundity that doesn't really make a whole lot of sense — that instantly makes me feel seventeen again in like, the best way possible. 

 

And yet. 

And yet. 

It turns out the whole dang song is about a dog! Sigh. For real Tesla? Yes, for real. Or at least, according to Jeff in the little intro to "What You Give" on Time's Makin' Changes. 

Now don't get me wrong. I love dogs. I have a dog. She's eight. She is very giving, though I would also say she takes quite a bit too. I just... I don't want this song to be about a dog. 

Now Guns N Roses' "Used to Love Her," that's a song that well, I'm not stoked it's purportedly about a dog, but I guess that's better than it being totally misogynistic? I guess this is one of those times where I don't want to know what the song's really about, and just want to have my own interpretation of it. 

Weirdly, way back in the day this was one of the most common arguments made against music videos — that seeing a specific visual would supersede whatever the listener just related the music to on their own, in their head. I don't think I really get this with videos — since at least they're related to the songs — but I will say, having a song be prominently featured in a movie, a commercial, or (the ultimate personal-association-killer) a commercial for a movie really does it. 

But has it ever done it for a metal song for me? Hmm, I'm gonna have to think about this one. I think Tesla are safe though, at least from that fate. 

P.S.: I know it's a stretch, but I was going for a Freaks and Geeks reference.

Enuff Z'nuff, "Fly High Michelle"

Haters Gonna Hate  

THE VIDEO Enuff Z'nuff, "Fly High Michelle," Enuff Z'nuff, 1989, Atlantic 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Why'd you have to give it up? / (Fly high Michelle) / Well you was just a little girl / (Fly high Michelle) / I'll never look into your blue eyes / (Fly high Michelle)" 

THE VERDICT Okay people, I'm warning you now: I'm mad stressed out this week what with school starting again and all, and so I have seriously poured myself like a Big Gulp of haterade for this one (and I'm using my SummerSlam Slurpee straws!). 

Enuff Z'nuff fans, back away from your computers (or just look at the pretty pictures. Ooh, rainbows!). So the faithful reader who suggested this is right that the "cutting edge graphics of rainbows, doves and lightning" in this video "should never go ignored." 

In fact, as you watch this video they are pretty much impossible to ignore — you can barely see the dang band! There are rainbows, doves, balloons, and clouds flying around everywhere. It's like a Lisa Frank notebook exploded. Or like they designed it based on the Trapper Keeper I got circa 1986. 

I know. It's a sad song. I shouldn't be making fun of a song that Donnie Vie actually wrote about a friend's suicide. But I'm sorry, it's just an awful, drippy, monotonous song, and all the CGI rainbows in the world can't change that. 

If you want to listen to a metal song about suicide, just go straight to "Don't Close Your Eyes." If you want to listen to a metal song about someone named Michelle, why not "My Michelle"? 

I mean jeepers jolly, Enuff Z'nuff are just not a very good band. Now I know plenty of people out there will disagree with me. Allmusic, for example, describe Poison and Warrant as "disposable" but Enuff Z'nuff as merely "mispackaged power pop." They act like the entire mainstream of metal was the sort of weird aberration (referring to it as the "ill-fated hair-metal craze"), and like Enuff Z'nuff are somehow on the level of Cheap Trick. 

Uh no. And I don't even mean Cheap Trick circa 1988. (Come on, you remember "The Flame"!) We won't even go near "Dream Police."

 

There are soo many bands that got "mispackaged" as metal at the time, basically due to the musicians being white, male, and having hair that was longer than chin-length. And yes, there are some where the level of "mispackaging" is debatable, and the talent is definitely not (Tesla are the perfect example of this). Others though are just terrible bands, and I'm sorry, but Enuff Z'nuff is one of them. 

Who else is in this club? Okay, well Nelson spring to mind instantaneously. Even if they put "(Can't Live Without Your) Love and Affection" on the second Metal Mania Stripped... and even if it is a pretty solid pop song... and even if Stephanie Seymour dumped one of them for Axl (I can't remember which one — I think Matt), Nelson are just not metal. 

Or what about Bad English? Put on leather jackets and tease up your hair all you want John Waite, you're still the dude who's most known for "Missing You." (You know, "I ain't missing you at all!") 

And I mean, Neal Schon? Journey have some great songs, but Journey ain't metal. Long story short, I know I like some cheesy stuff, but "When I See You Smile" makes me want to projectile vomit. 

Another prime suspect: I don't care if Billy Sheehan's the bassist. Mr. Big are a brutally awful band, and another perfect example of a "lumped in" or "mispackaged" or whatever you want to call it situation. 

Actually, if I could guess what band Mr. Big most wanted to be, I'd have to guess Tesla (I mean "Green-Tinted Sixties Mind"?). Instead though, they are whining about waiting in line to be with a girl. It's not even sloppy seconds here, it's like filthy fifths! Ew! And I'm sorry, but lines like "build up your confidence, so you can be on top for once" are basically just guaranteed panty-droppers for girls with low self-esteem. (Sorry, I warned you I was in a dark mood!) 

Oh my gosh, I got so into this rant I totally forgot about the video. It's weird too, because I generally hate arguments about what "is" and "isn't" metal, 'cause overall, in case you haven't noticed, I'm pretty inclusive. I'll go glam, I'll do thrash, I like lyrical, I like speed. But yeah, I guess what I hate is bad, guitar-based pop by long-haired guys that confuses people into thinking it's metal.

 

Long story short, I freakin' hate Extreme. (That should get me some hate mail. But seriously, one of my greatest fears is that I'll be trapped in a confined space and "Hole Hearted" will be playing on repeat. If I were like, in one of those Saw movies, that would be the thing that happened to me. I'd destroy myself trying to escape Gary Cherone!) 

Okay, video, video, video. Basically, we are in a rainy, computer-generated sort-of New York City (there does appear to be something like the Empire State building and the Chrysler building, but no WTC). 

Everything is in black and white until Donnie Vie drops his goofy John Lennon glasses, which suddenly begin sprouting rainbows. Though we see the band getting onto a tour bus, next thing we know they're playing the song on a cloud. And naturally, a model-type girl with straight blond hair and a neon green dress is picking up the glasses and putting them on. That's when things start getting really nuts. 

Rainbows are shooting every which way, the same dove keeps flying across the frame, and the clouds are genuinely obscuring what's going on. Yeah, we get close-ups of Donnie's face, and Chip Z'nuff impersonating Like a Virgin-era Madonna, but that's about it. 

Oh wait, until all the balloons. Somehow, the girl with the glasses gets hold of a bunch of balloons, and they take her up into the sky above the city. Balloons start flying freakin' everywhere! The girl floats past the band's cloud, and Donnie tries to grab her, but she just keeps going. This makes things get a bit darker, and lightning starts shooting all over the place. 

And how did I forget to mention the giant full moon that is in the background of virtually every shot? Guess I'm just being lazy. Okay. 

So I know I made like, the same points I made last time I talked about Enuff Z'nuff. But I think that's 'cause sometimes enough is enough! And after that gigundo "November Rain" post, I'm still a bit spent. I'll be back in the swing of things soon enough though, just you wait. 

P.S.: When I'm in this kind of mood, you should probably read the whole post to yourself in the voice of Carl from ATHF.

Helix, "Heavy Metal Love"

Helix Comes to Frogtown  

THE VIDEO Helix, "Heavy Metal Love," No Rest for the Wicked, 1983, EMI 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Heavy metal luh-uve / she's my heavy metal luh-uve" [Just say whatever you want, then say this next] 

THE VERDICT If you get the title of this post right away, you rule. If you don't, allow me to explain the connection. 

The brawny blond in this video is none other than Sandahl Bergman, the female lead in the 1988 "Rowdy" Roddy Piper vehicle Hell Comes to Frogtown. If you haven't seen this movie, you must. True, it was Piper who led me to watch it, but Bergman's intriguing looks — sort of like a poor man's Angela from Who's the Boss? — and astonishing dance moves really steal the show. 

Also stealing the show: Frog makeup, trying to figure out where in California the movie was shot, the very homemade costumes, and the fact that Roddy Piper's mission is to impregnate a bunch of women in brightly-colored negligees in order to help the human species repopulate (now that's a Hot Rod!). Do we get a lot of close-ups of his crotch encased in a weird metal unit? Why yes, we do. Many times, in fact. 

Seriously, if you like bad sci-fi, or even if you just like heavy metal videos that look like bad sci-fi, this is a movie for you. There's not any metal, but there's lots of homemade props, post-apocalyptic landscapes, and yes, brief nudity. 

Anywayyy, attempting to research the folks in Hell Comes to Frogtown led me to Bergman, which led me to this particular Helix video. I can't figure out what's going on in this one, but honestly, try to figure out what's going on in any of them. 

"Heavy Metal Love" definitely isn't helped by the unbelievably poor lighting. Many metal videos are badly lit, but this one is badly lit even by metal video standards. This video predates the era of spotlight overload, but most of the light here appears to be coming from a lit-up Helix logo. There's so much fog going on it almost feels like the camera that shot this has glaucoma. 

Helix appear to be playing in a vacant lot with like, apartment buildings being built on either side of it (this is my best guess). Something about it being low-budget, or maybe Canadian, or vaguely sci-fi is really giving me a serious Mystery Science Theater 3000 vibe (I know, something I often get). I'm thinking here of one in particular that's not coming to me, but something like Warrior of the Lost World or City Limits.

 

Most of this video is Helix just playing the song, not even really moving around, shot from just one camera (if that's not a signal of a low budget, I don't know what is). 

But we also see a very muscular and oily Ms. Bergman standing in a poorly lit area, flexing and like, bending things. Let's just say it's no dance of the three snakes, but it'll have to do. Actually, it's kind of like the "Manhunt" dance from Flashdance in costume, attitude, and execution. She's got all these chains and tools and stuff in there with her, but thanks to all the fog and the dim lighting I can't really tell what she's doing with it. 

Oh my gosh. Okay. Apparently, she is building a dude in there. I'm not kidding. It looks like a golem (as opposed to Gollum — I've neither read nor seen any Lord of the Rings, but I still feel like this is an important clarification to make). I mean it's like a giant gray dude who looks like he's made of metal or clay or something, breathing out steam like a freakin' dragon. 

So let me get this straight: This ripped, oily, mulleted woman, who is bending metal rods in a chain-filled foggy room is so uninterested in Helix that she decides to just DIY it? Weird. 

I mean the song is all "she's my heavy metal love," implying Bergman is said love, but it looks like she's built herself her own love. Out of heavy metals. Literally. 

The end of this video features much jumping around by lead singer Brian Vollmer, who to this point had been constrained by just having to stand around and make crazy faces at the camera. He's no Diamond Dave, but what can you do. 

The video then ends, having totally not resolved what's going on with Bergman and the metal guy, with the weird goggled dude from the beginning and that lit-up Helix sign again. He reminds me of Randee of the Redwoods, who coincidentally back in the day I thought was David Lee Roth (what can I say, I was a little kid!). 

P.S.: I know, this post is so short, and I actually have a backlog of requests right now, but I am uncharacteristically working last-minute rather than weeks in advance, and decided it was smarter to do what I can than to (gasp!) miss a week. I promise to be back on top of blogging soon!

P.P.S. from 2020: This video isn't on YouTube, so this awkwardly framed Vimeo is gonna have to cut it.

Great White, "Lady Red Light"

I'm in Love With a Working Girl  

THE VIDEO Great White, "Lady Red Light," Once Bitten..., 1987, Capitol 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Lady Red Light, rock me to-nigh-ight / baby's got a way-ay, to make me feel right / Lady Red Light, rock me to-nigh-ight / she really knows how to moo-oove meeeee!" 

THE VERDICT Oh, Great White. Of course, of course, of course you would write a song about the joys of hookers. I know that talking heads in any Vh-1 metal special-type thing will always talk about how Jack Russell got an inexplicable amount of ass for looking the way he does, but looking the way he does, I've got to imagine at least some amount of that ass was bought and paid for. 

Speculation about Jack's sexual proclivities aside, I have been thinking about Great White lately because I recently added a Great White t-shirt to my heavy metal t-shirt collection. Yes, I finally have gotten over the "Mista Bone" t-shirt that I turned down at (ironically enough) Red Light in Seattle like three years ago now and am proud owner of a 1987 "O-fish-al" tour tee. 

Will I actually wear it? Maybe. I don't think metal is enough on the radar screens of the people I'm generally around that they'll be like "oh my goodness, how are you supporting a band that killed all those people." (Which is not my goal, that was a horrific fire.) I'm rounding out my collection, a lot of which stays more or less on ice anyway. Depends on the value and condition of the shirt. (Though I'm wearing my Iron Maiden 1987 "Somewhere On Tour" shirt just to type this post, so it's not like I save them all for special occasions!)

 

Anyway, the "Lady Red Light" video. What goes on here? Well, it's basically your standard model Great White video. Though there is some variation in their video catalogue, Great White's default is as follows. One, the band standing in a huge, empty stage area that is lit by overhead spotlights. Two, a woman with straight blonde hair and bangs doing sexy things nowhere in the vicinity of the band. Three, repeat ad infinitum. 

The spotlights in this video are out of control, I guess 'cause it's a (slightly) faster song. It gives things almost a strobe-lit effect. Lorne Black tosses his hair furiously in front of a stack of amps, Mark Kendall makes constant guitar face, Michael Lardie as always looks a little awkward or nervous to be playing the keyboards. You have to own it bro, you have to own it. Even during the keyboard solo, he looks half asleep. 

Jack Russell is glowering up from under his pouffy bangs in like every shot. He also seems to have a fan on him. Oh, not like a music fan or anything — I mean like something is blowing his hair around the whole time. Per always, he's wearing like 800 pounds of turquoise jewelry. 

I should also give a special shout-out to Mark Kendall's guitar. I'm usually not a big fan of novelty guitars, but this one is just adorable. Can't help it. The body of the guitar is shaped like a slightly cartoonish great white shark, and then the neck is a leg clad in board shorts and a high-top sneaker. It's a shark eating a surfer! Okay, a surfer who's inexplicable wearing shoes. But still, it's a cute guitar, and I like that it's like themed to the band's name. 

I digress. As I was saying, this video features spotlights, Great White, and a blonde girl with bangs doing sexy stuff. What exactly does she do? Well, she stays the hell away from Jack Russell and company, that's for sure. We mostly see her posing near one of the most literal props in the history of heavy metal videos — various red lightbulbs. I'm not kidding. 

She starts off in the preferred outfit of all Great White girls — miniskirt, black semi-sheer stockings, and black leather jacket. We then see her in an 80s-girl-next-door outfit — white tee, Keds, and artfully ripped jeans. Of course, the fact that she's lasciviously arraying herself on a motorcycle makes her more of an 80s working-girl-next-door, but that's the point of the song, right?

 

The shots of her eating an ice cream cone are some of my favorites. They're just so Great White — it's like they said to themselves, "How can we make this whole girl-next-door thing sleazier?" Ah yes, close-ups of her mouth sensuously licking what looks to me like black raspberry ice cream. 

Then since that apparently wasn't sleazy enough, the camera pulls back and she makes eye contact with the viewer while continuing to go at it. Great White, you guys are too much. We also get her in a very girlish nightgown on a brown leather club couch — okay Great White, this one is a little too inappropriate in what it suggests. 

The weirdest one for me is when she's wearing an oversize white button-down and heels, lounging in a sort of big wooden chair that's next to... I don't even know what those things are. They look like giant sacks of potatoes. The girl looks really uncomfortable trying to pose all sexy in the obviously uncomfortable chair. 

She also does sort of a dominatrix look — black bustier, little black biker hat, fingerless gloves, and sheer stockings attached to a garter belt. Some shots they don't even bother really inventing just for this video. We've already seen a blonde girl with bangs lounging in a bed with satin sheets in "Save Your Love". 

They'll basically use the same convention again for the ...Twice Shy album cover. And so yes, they use it here, too — a round red bed with satin-y sheets (which was obviously the inspiration for the album cover, which came after). 

Side note: If I had to guess, I would also say it's the same girl in both of these videos, though I don't know that for a fact, and I don't know her name. I'm less sure though that it's the same girl as from the Once Bitten... album cover, though I've often assumed that she's the girl who's in "Rock Me." We'll have to wait 'til I get to that video though for a full investigation. 

Anyway. Did Great White save some dough by making pretty much the exact same video three times in a row? We're going to have to hope that yes, that's their excuse for this. Then again, many of their other videos also display their fondness for blondes with bangs, so who knows. 

What made straight blonde hair with bangs such a thing in the late 80s? Do we thank Christina Applegate? Bobbie Brown? Debbie Gibson? 

P.S.: I know, the song I named this post for is definitely not metal, and is technically more Working Girl than Pretty Woman.

Nitro, "Freight Train"

All Aboard!  

THE VIDEO Nitro, "Freight Train," O.F.R., 1989, Rhino 

SAMPLE LYRIC "I'm on a freight traiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnn / I'monafreighttraincomin' / I'm on a freight traiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnn / I'monafreighttraincomin'" 

THE VERDICT Nitro are one of those groups where it's sort of like, did anyone actually listen to them in the 80s? I'm not sure. I definitely didn't know anyone who did. 

But then with the 00s and the birth of the viral video, suddenly everyone knew all about Nitro. Or at least, they knew that Nitro looked like a really over-the-top 80s parody, or maybe an obscure eastern European country's entry in the Eurovision Song Contest. 

But no, Nitro is regular ol' American hair metal. They are even on the cover of the book American Hair Metal. 

That said, there's nothing random about Nitro. This band was, as far as I can tell, a calculated effort to take every element of metal to its logical extreme. Vocalist Jim Gillette was known for shattering wine glasses by screaming, while guitarist Michael Angelo is famed for his "Quad Guitar X-400," which is more or less what it sounds like. I guess it goes to 44? It just makes me think of the Mooninites' quad laser. 

It's the kind of thing where you feel like, if they'd shown up with this in like, 1984, Nitro would've been huge. People would have thought this was so way cool. But by the time Nitro come around, I feel like people had kind of moved on. I mean the bands that used to have the really big hair (Mötley Crüe, Cinderella, Poison) now just had long hair, and some of the bands that previously had long hair now in some instances had short hair (think like Scott and Charlie in Anthrax). 

At first I thought Michael Angelo was the guy from the old "Metal Method" ads, but that's a dude named Doug Marks. But then a little googling and — lo and behold! — not only does Metal Method totally still exist, but both Michael Angelo (now using his last name, so Michael Angelo Batio) and Jim Gillette are instructors for them. Amazing!!

 

Oh wow — this is even more amazing. They were instructors for them. It says Jim's lessons were recorded in the early 90s. This is possibly even more amazing than if he were still doing it — these things are freaking artifacts! 

Michael Angelo, on the other hand, appears to still be at it — his most recent lessons are from 2010. Seriously, one day I may have to get it together and just scan some of these old ads, 'cause it seems like no one has put the old stuff online anywhere. I mean the Hit Parader I was (successfully) looking through for old Metal Method ads has ads like "40 yards lace $2.25." They say it is "marvelous for dresses, pillowcases, etc." but come on, this is Hit Parader, you're selling this stuff to people who will tie it to mic stands a la Steven Tyler. 

Ahhh!! Here we go. It took some digging, but I totally turned up a two-page ad for Jim Gillette's Metal Power. Please allow me to reproduce some of the copy, with original formatting intact: 

Have you ever wished you could hit those glass shattering high notes? If so, METAL POWER is for YOU! Instructor Jim Gillette has combined extensive Opera training along with his own unique style to create method of singing GUARANTEED to improve your range and power! Jim now has an amazing 5-OCTAVE RANGE and is striving for his 6th? How is such a range possible? Lots of dedication and the same technique offered in his lessons! 

Oh man, that is the stuff! My favorite is that opera is capitalized and in italics. Whoa, for $8 you could also get yourself an autographed copy of his debut album, Proud to Be Loud.

Next to an extra-ridiculous photo of Jim in full makeup, elaborately-teased hair, and a leather jacket with lots of chains is — wait, OMG, I just noticed that Jim is standing around a bunch of wine glasses on platters. You can't make this stuff up. 

Yup, I think we're supposed to imagine those shattering while he sings, since anyway as I was saying, next to this astonishing image it says "WARNING: This album contains the highest screams and fastest guitars ever recorded. Listen at your own risk." 

If you're wondering if these "fastest guitars" are Michael Angelo and the quad guitar, don't worry, they are. Later they changed the album art to this much less glammy pic, so thank goodness someone thought to scan the original.

 

Oh wow. These ads are the gift that keeps on giving. Apparently there is also a hotline you can just call to talk to Jim. "As an added bonus, JIM CAN BE REACHED BY CALLING THE HOTLINE." 

They also give extensive warnings around lesson IV, which is scream exercises. They say (again, with the original formatting), "DO NOT SKIP LESSON I, II, AND III. YOU CANNOT LEARN TO SCREAM WITH LESSON IV ALONE!!!" Oh dang, that is just amazing. 

I got so wrapped up in looking through my old metal mags that I forgot to talk about the video. What happens here. Basically, what you'd expect. Everyone has severely giant hair, though Jim's enormous blonde palm tree of hair is the biggest. Seriously, his hair is like one of those freak vegetables that win ribbons at county fairs. And speaking of things not found in nature, that quad guitar is all over this video. 

Other than the band going nuts on a little soundstage, we also see footage of (surprise) a freight train. Now not long ago I drove to Arizona, and saw a lot of freight trains going through the desert. Those things aren't too fast. Like, you can beat them with your car, and you wouldn't even be speeding. Shouldn't the song have been about like, one of those Japanese bullet trains? Maybe those didn't exist yet. 

Also, I can't believe I forgot this — in the "where are they now" department, so obviously Michael Angelo is still teaching people to play metal guitar really, really fast. But what of Jim Gillette? Duh! I totally knew this and forgot. Jim Gillette is now of course Mr. Lita Ford. I love the fact that they got married having known each other for two weeks, and yet are still together. When you know, you know, I guess. 

Though also judging how many of her tweets are about how great he is in the sack, I think they're doing okay. That said, last spring there were rumors they were about to do a reality show, and for every Sharon and Ozzy, there's a zillion other people who were broken up by doing a cameras-follow-you-around-at-home-style reality show. 

Think about it: Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, that tattooed drummer from Blink-182 and the Playboy Bunny, Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro, Brigitte Neilsen and Flavor Flav (though technically they also got together on a reality show, so...). 

That said, I can't find much more info on it than this sort of demo video Lita herself posted, so who knows if this is still really happening. 

Hold the presses! Oh snap and a half! Apparently this is on hold because in the time between when I wrote this post and well, now (and as I'm writing this it's still two weeks before this one goes up online — yeah, I work way ahead of schedule to make sure I bring you metal each and every week) Lita Ford and Jim Gillette are getting divorced. 

I'm like wait, what!?!? They didn't even make it to having their lives invaded by a reality show, and already?!?! You look at her Twitter and as of July she's saying "all is good" and tweeting hints about the reality show, and then yeah, I guess there is kind of radio silence for a while, and now they're splitting?!?! I mean, if the guitarist from the Runaways can't find true love with the ex-singer of Nitro, what chance does this mean the rest of us have?

Fiona feat. Kip Winger, "Everything You Do (You're Sexing Me)"

Nasty As They Wanna Be  

THE VIDEO Fiona featuring Kip Winger, "Everything You Do (You're Sexing Me)", Heart Like a Gun, 1988, Atlantic 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Oooooooooh you're sexin' me-eeeeeeeee / everything you do just turns me on / oooooooooh you're sexin' me-eeeeeeeeeeee / bay-bay-bay-bay-bay-bay come onnnnnnnn" 

THE VERDICT Anyone else remember this amazing trainwreck of a video? Seriously people, it's the holidays, and this power ballad-ish duet is the gift that keeps on giving. You think it can't get more ridiculous, and it does. Oh, it does. 

Now if you aren't familiar with this one, you might be asking yourself, "Who the (bleep) is Fiona?" Excellent question. Fiona is sort of like the Tiffany of heavy metal. If we're going to be generous, we might even call her the Debbie Gibson of metal, since if I'm remembering right she had some kind of classical background and wrote a surprising amount of her own songs. 

Young, hyped, likely to be found signing autographs in malls. A big difference though is that though Fiona looks pretty underage in this video, she's actually almost 30. Well, what do you know? She's just kind of a tiny lady. 

Anyway, if you were to know Fiona from anything non-musical it would likely be her star-turn opposite Bob Dylan (!?!) in 1987's Hearts of Fire. But if you're like me (and since you're reading this we will assume you are), that pales enormously in comparison to her star-turn as a murderous teen prostitute on Miami Vice. 

Now I could go into a lengthy rant about how much Miami Vice rules, but instead I will limit myself to just discussing the episode featuring Fiona: Season 2's "Little Miss Dangerous". Though I am generally a fan of the episodes about prostitution — not because I endorse sex work, but because it's the 80s so these have particularly awesome costumes — this is actually one of my least favorite episodes because it is freakin' terrifying.

 

To her credit, Fiona is creepy as hell as a young hooker who murders her johns as retribution for a lifetime of abuse. I made it just partway into this episode before it became a turn-on-all-the-lights-in-the-house type of affair. 

It wasn't much longer before I was screaming at the TV trying to save Tubbs. Fiona, if you must kill again, take Crockett! And omg, stop making those freaky-ass crayon drawings. Dang those things gave me nightmares. 

Anyway, one of the many reasons Miami Vice is amazing is the endless onslaught of cameos (just season two also features Gene Simmons and Ted Nugent — the Nuge also performs Fiona's episode's eponymous song). It's not entirely unsurprising that Fiona turned up, since they appear to have a minimum of one ingenue per episode. 

But okay, what of her performance in this video? Spoiler alert: Nothing really happens in this video. It's pretty much just Fiona and Winger in an empty warehouse/loft-type space, singing straight into each other's faces. 

This is often amusing, as they look ridiculously alike — even without the lighting washing them out, it's usually like okay, well she's shorter and has longer hair. But for reals, I think they share not just the same hairstylist, but also the same clothing stylist. 

Here are the outfits featured in this video: 1) Blousy colorful shirt with ruffled collar, paired with leather pants that lace up the sides. 2) Low-cut graphic shirt, black leather jacket, and leather pants that lace up the crotch. 3) Sheer black halter dress. 4) Cropped leather vest, black shirt, and leather pants. Okay, class — three of these outfits are worn by Fiona. Which of these does Kip Winger wear?

 

All Kip and Fiona have in there to entertain themselves with is a modern-looking white couch and each other. While Fiona spends some time posing on the couch, she spends most of her time posing on Kip Winger. Kip flashes his astonishingly white teeth while Fiona tilts her neck back for some vampire-style action. (I like that when you Google "Kip Winger", one of the related searches it suggests is "Kip Winger teeth".) Kip tosses his hair around while Fiona crouches down in front of him. Fiona tosses her hair around while Kip crouches down in front of her. 

Somehow, we are meant to believe that by screaming the lyrics to this sludge-fest into each other's faces, sexual tension is being built up between Fiona and Kip. Ummm, no. There are a few near misses, and at one point he appears to have fully stuck his face into her chest, but don't get excited — there's no sexing here. Unless you're into the David Coverdale/Tawny Kitaen-type stuff where he looks like he's choking her. In that case, ew, you pervert. 

Possibly it's that, but more likely it's the choice of words that make this for me one of the un-sexiest songs in the history of metal. "You're sexing me"? Seriously? Hearing "sex" as a verb just makes me think of biology. And not like, reproductive type stuff. 

More just like how usually when you hear "sex" as a verb, they are talking about the practice of determining whether an animal is male or female. E.g., "birds are difficult to sex." "It takes a practiced eye to accurately sex the crawfish." Next thing you know, it's "oooh, you're dissectin' mee-eeee"! 

Seriously though, even my sometime-nemeses over at allmusic kind of have my back on this one: "Like anything with intensity, it's tempting to laugh; when Fiona and Kip Winger moan, 'you're sexing me,' at each other, someone with farm experience could imagine them sedately side by side, determining the maleness or femaleness of newly hatched chicks." For real! I could imagine an alternate version of this video with just pictures of like, crabs and lizards and turkeys and stuff.

 

I think the most amazing part of this video is at the end, when there's just a smidgen of plot. A blonde woman comes up to Kip and Fiona's empty warehouse in an industrial elevator, and sort of signals to them. Then Winger and Fiona ride down in the elevator, and go outside where a long-haired man greets them. We're meant to understand that this is Fiona's real man, just as the blonde is Winger's actual girlfriend. As the two couples split apart, Fiona (now wearing a goofy hat) looks back at Kip all wistfully. Ew. 

Also uhh, okay. This still doesn't explain WTF Fiona and Winger were doing up in that warehouse. What, they just get together to like arrange themselves against columns in dramatic lighting, and yell in each other's faces, and almost kiss, like, on the regular? 

There's no implication in this video that a video is being filmed — we're meant to believe Kip's girlfriend is just like, "Oh, hey honey, did you have a nice time telling Fiona she was sexing you and having her rub her hands all over your stubble again today?" So bizarre. 

Kip has claimed no sexing ever actually occurred, and based on the astonishing lack of sexual tension I'm going to believe him. I know, I know — both Winger and Fiona are making furious porno faces through this entire video. 

But come on, watch any Winger video. Kip makes those faces at the camera. He makes those faces at all the women who are meant to be his love interest. Hell, he makes those faces at Reb Beach. Quite frankly, I think this is just sort of the natural range of Kip's facial expressions. 

Long story short, if you're looking for sexy, this video is more like a cold shower than a hot bubble bath. And if you want a great metal duet, just listen to "Close My Eyes Forever." 

But if you want to revel in awkward sexuality, Kip Winger's whiter-than-white smile, and Fiona's amorousness toward a whiter-than-white couch, by all means, watch this video! 

I may have called Fiona the Robin Sparkles of metal, but this song is really the "I Wanna Sex You Up" of metal. I know, I know, this predates Color Me Badd by a couple of years. But seriously, couldn't we have just left this kind of drecch for groups like, well, Color Me Badd?

White Lion, "Little Fighter"

My Opinionation

THE VIDEO White Lion, "Little Fighter," Big Game, 1989, Atlantic

Click here to watch the video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Rise again, little figh-igh-ter / and let the world know the reason why / shout again, little figh-igh-ter / and don't let it impair the things you do"

THE VERDICT This song is so adorably horrible, just like so many of the things White Lion do (except for "When the Children Cry," which is just regular horrible). The other day I made a new Pandora station because I felt like hearing this song. I asked it to combine White Lion, Winger, and Warrant, and boom! This was the first song it played. Pandora's rather genius when it wants to be.

In any event, I've been in the mood for just this type of song -- poppy, inspirational, but with randomly crunchy guitars and a vaguely froggy-sounding vocalist -- for a while. This whole spring has just been a slog of hard work, and so I've really needed the inspiring stuff to get myself to keep at it (and yeah, the Krokus really wasn't cutting it -- especially since we don't even have crocus here on the west coast!). Hence here we are with "Little Fighter," an inspiring song but unfortunately -- not a very inspiring video.

Bracketed by black and white footage of the band walking moodily along the beach (very reminiscent of the "Faith + 1" album art), "Little Fighter" is mostly just White Lion playing on a stage set with about a zillion colored lights. Someone made the decision that the best way to light the video was to shine the lights directly into the camera, making a lot of the video bleached out and pretty illegible. But since all the shots are pretty damn repetitive, it's not a huge loss.



Mike Tramp is at his most teen idol here. I've said it before and I'll say it again -- this man looks like Joey Russo in a wig. Don't even pretend you don't know what I'm talking about, you remember Blossom. You know who Joey Lawrence is. Heck, you probably even remember his other, less successful brothers. In any event, Tramp is a dead ringer and still is today. They could be in some kind of Parent Trap movie about teen idols who are now adults and uh... want their parents to be reunited, I guess. Anyway Tramp is all over this video in a blur of white teeth, blonde curls, and colorful studded leather jacket.

Vito Bratta's also in most of the shots, though he looks way less enthused about being there than the other band members. He's downright subdued through the whole thing, even the solo. I feel like he's just getting the job done. It's especially weird since he doesn't leave the band. In contrast, James LoMenzo -- who is totally about to leave the band -- looks thrilled to be there in his custom Big Game spandex. I'd get started on how much I love custom spandex, but then I'll be back on about wrestling again, and I just dragged readers through a big ol' post on that, so.

Long story short, this video just isn't that interesting. It's really just a lot of shimmying around and making faces at the camera, weirdly (thanks mostly to Vito) minus the usual guitar waving. Why? They could have made such a cooler video for this song. In fact, I have the perfect concept and I can pitch it to you in two words: Baby. Animals.



I mean come on, "rise again, Little Fighter"? I'm sorry, but this just makes me think of baby animals learning to walk. Think about it -- little baby foals and calves and such, trying to stand on their spindly legs, and then toppling over. Or even more exotic animals! Giraffes! Or okapi even! Trying to stand, and falling over, and rolling around on the ground with their disproportionately large heads and eyes. It would be tooooo cute. And it would go with the song. Ohh! And they could feature baby lions, of course.

Then during the most inspirational bits, it could be video of these animals running around! Like "Eff yeah, I figured out how to walk today!!" And running with their moms and stuff. It would be super-inspirational. Plus super-cute. And I mean cute cute, not just Mike Tramp cute. Honestly, if White Lion had made a video extensively featuring baby animals in 1989, people would think they were freakin' visionaries today, and that video would have a gazillion hits on YouTube.

Seriously, try this as an experiment: Find a video of a baby animal (ideally learning to walk, but doing whatever, baby animals always are having troubles with like drinking or eating properly or whatever) on Cute Overload or something, mute whatever audio originally went with it, and play this song. It totally goes, right? I think I've really got something here.

So according to allmusic, this song is about Greenpeace. And yeah, looking at some of the verses in more detail, it totally is. But whatever! I think baby horses are totally also fighters for the earth. Maybe not the sea, but that can be for the baby otters.

P.S.: After all the Joey Lawrence references, don't even pretend you don't get the title of this post.

KISS, "Who Wants to Be Lonely?"

The Rock 'N' Wrestling Connection

THE VIDEO KISS, "Who Wants to Be Lonely?" Asylum, 1985, Mercury/Polygram

Click here to watch this video NOW

SAMPLE LYRIC "Who wants to be loh-own-lay / who wants to be with you tonight / oh-oh-oh-OH-oh, oh-oh-oh-OH-oh"

THE VERDICT So why on earth am I devoting an entire post to this WTF-fest of a video? I mean, the entire first 45 seconds consists of nothing but Paul Stanley in an incredibly ridiculous neon, sparkly trenchcoat and fringed hot-pink gloves walking down some kind of industrial hallway (maybe a boiler room? There's steam and fire). Literally. There's nothing else. This is KISS without makeup in the sense that they aren't wearing their signature black-and-white facepaint, but it is KISS with makeup in the sense that they sure have put on a lot of eyeshadow.

And then when it gets going, it only gets weirder. KISS appear to be playing in some kind of industrial women's bathroom (think white tile, weird pipes and valves everywhere) that in addition to featuring many leather-clad ladies also has the dancing fountains from the Bellagio. The question for the women is less "who wants to be lonely?" and more "who wants to get hosed down by Paul and Gene?" Because all these video babes -- dressed sort of like female, skin-baring versions of Rob Halford -- are standing under individual showerheads and/or being sprayed with water from off-camera. Water, water everywhere, but not a plot to speak of.

What else happens? Paul takes off his shirt, of course. We find out the dark area separating Eric Carr from the rest of the band is a swimming pool. One of the women falls into the pool, and another gets all sexy with a big valve wheel. Many, many shots of the various ladies dancing beneath their showerheads. Many of those are from a low angle and basically just show legs and butts, though to be fair, we also get a lot of crotch shots of KISS. We see lots of Paul and Gene singing together, and very few shots of Eric or Bruce Kulick.



More random occurrences: A woman in some kind of black leather apron getting spooled out from a long swath of white fabric. Paul doesn't even pretend to play his guitar. Bruce rises out of the swimming pool during the solo. And one of the women dances her way out of a wall of cellophane. For the finale, a shirtless Paul gets cleaned off by some of the ladies before returning to the hallway from the beginning of the video, which is now on fire.

I could describe this video in three letters -- WTF. But I could also describe it using three other letters -- WWF. Or I suppose technically by law now I have to say WWE, but really I still use both interchangeably (and often just refer to it as WW). Why do I say this? Many reasons. And not just because I am kind of obsessed with professional wrestling, and sort of have been since I was about seven (sort of goes well with the metal, no?).

First, the weird boiler room/hallway thing Paul is in at the beginning of this video has always instantly made me think of No Holds Barred, the crappy Hulk Hogan vehicle. Click on that link and watch the trailer -- Zeus is totally in that same weird hallway as Paul Stanley!

Second, just look at what Paul is wearing (or really any of the members of KISS, since they all are wearing variations on the same outfit). A long, glittery, multi-colored coat over either a) a bare chest or b) a super low-cut shirt, with colorful spandex pants and boots. Paul even goes so far as to top off his look with a wide gold belt. Um, who does this sound like?! How about any wrestler ever!??! Or okay, fine, any wrestler in the 80s (though it also sounds like Gorgeous George, so).



Seriously, there's a long line of spangly coats worn by wrestlers that goes from the Ric Flairs of yesteryear to the John Morrisons of today. I would say with all the neon, sparkles, and chest hair, for me Paul is most reminiscent of the Macho Man, Randy Savage. And it's a symbiotic relationship too, as you can draw a straight line from metal costumery to the type of ringwear favored by the Rockers, the Rock 'N' Roll Express, or even folks like the Road Warriors/the Legion of Doom, and the Ultimate Warrior (though in the latter cases I think the Mad Max movies are the confounding variable).

Third, all of the pointless decorative women. I know, I know -- it's a feature of like every metal video circa 1985. But pro wrestling also has a long history of pointless decorative women -- the valets, from Miss Elizabeth to Sherri and everyone else in between. Yes, these days the women actually do get to wrestle a bit more (not just in women-only franchises like GLOW but also on the main nationally televised wrestling programs), but nine times of ten its in something ridiculous like a "Red Carpet Dress to Impress" match, a "Baywatch" match, a "Divas Pajama Pillowfight" match, or something else to render them relatively decorative and pointless as compared to the men.

Fourth, all of the crotch shots. I can't explain it, but no matter how many cameras they have covering a pro wrestling match, they always will manage to cut to the one that is positioned directly between the legs of whomever is in a submission hold, getting pinned, or is otherwise just laying all splayed out in the ring. Honestly, it's kind of weird. I mean sometimes it's someone like Randy Orton, so it's okay, but other times, like when it's Sheamus, I just don't need to see all that.

Long story short, I can't completely hate this video -- much as I do -- because it reminds me of one of my other favorite things. Professional wrestling! The two really go together. Wrestling theme songs are some of the only places I can still dig up songs that actually sound a lot like lyrical metal -- for example, Christian's current theme or even Dolph Ziggler's music. Just imagine those being done by Warrant and Winger! Oh, I die. I mean, imagine if the Rock 'n' Wrestling Connection had really gotten going -- it's got to be a similar demographic, right? So why can't TNA get Poison to perform at one of their pay-per-views?

P.S.: Because a picture is worth a thousand words, peep the side-by-side comparison:

Great White, "Save Your Love"

Passing the Savings On to You

THE VIDEO Great White, "Save Your Love," Once Bitten..., 1987, Capitol

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Save all your love / save your love / for me! / when I'm aloooone at night / you're all / I see-eeee!"

THE VERDICTLet's face it: Ever since 2003, pretty much no one is going to think of Great White as anything but the band whose ill-advised indoor pyro resulted in the horrific deaths of a hundred people. But, if we can think back before then, we can recall Great White as a band that -- following a self-titled album that was a true masterpiece of sleazy rock -- decided to stake their claim in the kingdom of the power ballad. Much as I might like to ignore them, there's just no getting around Great White in the power ballad department. If nothing else, plumbing the depths of their faux sincerity may help us learn how it was that, from every anecdote I've ever heard, a guy as icky as Jack Russell could get so much ass.

I've chosen "Save Your Love" because of the numerous Great White ballads that are out there, this is the only one where I'm consistently like, "you know what? This is a pretty good song." Even though the sentiment is a little weird -- we're both dating other people, but hold out for me, which sounds like a good excuse for a guy to string along two women at once (or vice versa, I suppose) -- I really like the instrumentation, particularly the guitar at the beginning. The vocal is a bit underwhelming, but you feel like maybe a stronger vocalist could do this song justice. I also especially enjoy the bit at the end where the voice and guitar keep cutting themselves and each other off, giving it sort of a layered sound.



As for the video: Well, Great White may have been known for their power ballads, but they were never known for their videos. So what's going on here? Well, I guess to play up the sort of classical guitar sound in this song, the lads are playing it all sitting around in some kind of music storeroom, with all kinds of instruments -- pianos, cellos, drums, etc. -- for whatever reason suspended in the air around them. They're hanging from chains, so that makes it a little bit more metal, as does the fact that Audie Desbrow has a gong suspended behind him. But then you see Michael Lardie playing a guitar harp (a guitarp?) and it gets, you know, a little less metal.

Great White -- or maybe just Jack Russell -- must've had a thing for straight-haired blondes, because the girls in all their videos look like the same girl. With the exception of the girl in "Rock Me," who's also on the album cover of Once Bitten..., they aren't ever actually the same girl. Anyway, here we've got the usual sort of Bobbie Brown-looking gal (though for some reason she's giving me a Stacey from the Baby-sitters' Club vibe), wearing a hooded black cape, a black blouse, a high-waisted black leather skirt, sheer black tights, and I think strappy sandals.

Honestly, in a way she looks downright glamorous (even with wet hair!), particularly when compared to Jack Russell's ensemble. He's wearing a sleeveless denim jacket over a pouffy pirate shirt, and what may or may not be chaps. Definitely some sort of embellished black leather pant. As per usual, he's thrown on wayyy too much silver and turquoise jewelry. You know, I think actually he's the one dressed like a member of the Baby-sitters' Club. And he does sort of have Stacey's hair, so... you be the judge.



Oh goodness, as if we didn't get enough of this with Whitesnake, now this girl's face is being reflected in water too. Somehow this is one power ballad cliche the Crue missed! Anyway, she's walking around touching the instruments in the same space as the band, though we see she's not there at the same time as the band.

And things are getting more intense. The girl is standing behind a rainy window, it's raining indoors, and next thing you know Mark Kendall and Tony Montana are standing up and rocking out. In a truly bizarre turn of events, the girl's clothes magically change (into a sort of long white nightgown thing) as she walks past a brass bed strewn with red rose petals. We get an overhead shot of her jumping onto the bed. And oooh, it's a sensual time there on the bed. We get shots of the girl making sexy faces, rolling around and caressing the rose petals, juxtaposed with Mark just playing the sh-t out of his guitar. Yeah, that's sexy. Mm, I'm realizing belatedly it may be hard to hear a sarcastic tone of voice when I'm, you know, just typing. Crap.

Anyway, next thing you know, she's disappeared. Jack tries to reach for her, but it's just her reflection in water. And now she's back to her all-black outfit and walking away from the bed, which may or may not also be covered in barbed wire. Huh? Next thing we know, she's put the cloak back on and dissolved into thin air.

So long story short, is this love? Umm, not sure. But I think I'm going to have to save all my love (or at least the bulk of it) for the next video. I need to come up with something that puts the pow! back in power ballads.

Enuff Z'Nuff, "New Thing"

What Not to Wear

THE VIDEO Enuff Z'Nuff, "New Thing," Enuff Z'Nuff, 1989, Atco

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Get hiiiiiii-iiiiiii-iiiiiiii-iiiiiiiiiii-iiiiiiiigh on a new thing / get hiiiiiii-iiiiiii-iiiiiiii-iiiiiiiiiii-iiiiiiiigh on a new thing / Get hiiiiiii-iiiiiii-iiiiiiii-iiiiiiiiiii-iiiiiiiigh on a new thing / Get hiiiiiii-iiiiiii-iiiiiiii-iiiiiiiiiii-iiiiiii-iiiiiiii-iiiiiiiiiii-iiiiiii-iiiiiiii-iiiiiiiiiii-iiiiiiiigh on a new thing!"

THE VERDICT You have to feel kind of bad making fun of ENuff Z'nuff. What can we really do to them that they haven't already done to themselves? Much as I bemoan Trixter or Slaughter, it's the bands who really tried to force glam to keep happening at the very end -- think Nitro or Tuff -- who really get unbearable. But nothing, nothing compares to Enuff Z'Nuff. Except for maybe Nelson, and at least their songs were singable (cue me getting "Love and Affection" stuck in my head. I'm like Cartman with "Come Sail Away," except I'm like that with every song I know. It's a friggin' curse).

Anyway. Even more than any of the bands mentioned above, Enuff Z'Nuff repulsed me even at the time. Yes, you heard that right. As a ten-year-old (albeit one with enough taste in music to hate New Kids on the Block) I thought this band was awful. And no, I'm not backing off it just because allmusic claims we totally don't get them. I know good hard-rock-tinged power pop when I hear it, and this is not it. Want some? Listen to Gilby Clarke's old band Candy. With this band, I just. Can't. Do. It. This song is so hideously repetitive it is hard to make it through more than 30 seconds, which luckily you don't really need to since it just repeats anyway.

The bigger story here is the visual -- which blablabla, that was their problem all along and why no one understood them, blablabla. I'm sorry, but enough really is enough on that one, okay? We've heard it all before. Can't we just be honest and admit that this was not a very good band? Okay, moving on to the visual. This video looks like Lisa Frank threw up all over it. Sure, there aren't any unicorns or kittens, but aren't you kind of surprised there aren't? (Snap, it would improve the video if there were.)



About half the video consists of close-ups of Donnie Vie's face, headband, and ridiculous John Lennon glasses. The rest is Derek Frigo and his dozen or so colorful guitars, Chip Z'nuff doing some kind of Sandra Bernhard impression in a police hat and Ray-Bans, and the occasional shot of Vikki Foxx looking like a long-lost member of the Runaways. All of this occurs on a backdrop of over-sized neon paint splatters -- I feel like the director watched a bunch of Look What the Cat Dragged In-era Poison videos and was like "if only these were more colorful...."

This is interspersed with genuinely bizarre footage of models dressed in 60s clothing dancing around with peace signs, driving in and then cleaning a convertible, and then holding some kind of funeral on a little astroturf lawn. I'm not making this up people, but if you can't endure the video, you'll just have to trust me that this really happens. It's like a really bad episode of Laugh In. Or like a bad trip.

Coincidentally, this song is about a bad trip. Okay, maybe it's about getting out of a bad relationship and meeting someone new, but all the repetition about "getting hi-iiiiiii-iiiiiiii-iiiiiiiiiii-igh" implies it's about, you know, getting high. Apparently as an alternative to suicide. Why are their two most well-known songs about suicide? And why do they use the word "high" so dang much?

Ugh, I want to find something redeeming here, but it's like this band just gets crappier. Well, all these bright colors are perking up my blog a bit. There, I said something nice.

Slaughter, "Up All Night"

Who Killed 80s Metal?

THE VIDEO Slaughter, "Up All Night," Stick It to Ya, 1990, Chrysalis

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "[Awake from dusk till dawn] / watcheeeng the sceeeeeeene at niiii-iiiii-iiiight / [stars are shining down] / they'lllllllll be shining down on you and I / and I'll hold you till the mornnnnnnning liiiiiiii-iiiiiiiight / Everybody sing it now! / Up! All! Night! / Sleep all day!"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION This video opens with dramatic footage of a fiery sun setting behind clouds, which transitions into a Frederic Church-esque sunset shown from beneath.

We go from these picturesque scenes to a uh, well, it's a metal barrel or trashcan with a fire burning in it, an behind it we can see a tall slim woman walking two Doberman Pinschers. We then see the back of a leather jacket with the word "stick" clearly legible in metal studs. A person passes in front of the camera, and we see a man in jeans and a fedora and a woman wearing a skirt and boots both sitting on either a broken-down couch or just piles of something against a brick wall. Based on the light projected onto the wall behind them, they seem to be sitting beside a swimming pool (they're not, but it's that kind of wiggly light).

A bunch of red neon lights squiggle past, then we see a man in a suit standing next to a sign in the shape of a Chinese or Japanese character reflected in a car window. The window rolls down to briefly reveal a strangely lit, bored-looking woman. We cut to a black and white shot of a boot tapping on the floor, then see from above the man opening the car's door and the woman's legs sliding out.

The woman who was sitting against the wall takes off the guy's hat and puts it on herself, doing a sassy turn. She's wearing a sort of cropped blazer over a very full knee-length skirt -- it's almost like, you know, in case you forgot it's 1989, there's your cue. She shakes her butt, and the camera pans down and shows the reflection of this in a puddle. Then we see the woman, having gotten out of the car, stepping pretty much out of frame.

Finally, the song starts, and we get some quickly cut together shots of Blas Elias and Tim Kelly before what can only be Mark Slaughter's stunt double jumps off of a riser and lands to do a somersault while Dana Strum jumps across his path.

The (probably) real Mark proceeds to start doing some wussy dancing, which we see for a little while. The band are playing in one of those sets where it's like a warehouse full of random crap piled up -- you know there’s a giant fan in there somewhere, a lot of large discarded signs, and probably Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation warming up in one of the other rooms.



We cut to a shot of a slithery woman's legs in a long, sheer skirt, before coming back to see Blas standing up to bang on some cymbals hanging overhead before Mark starts singing. He grips the mic stand with one hand and focuses much energy on looking steamy, which is hard when you sing in a falsetto. Cut to a rain-spattered sidewalk, following stilleto'd legs walking the pair of Dobermans. We briefly see a black and white shot of a woman rubbing her head and looking positively orgasmic, but it's mostly just Slaughter dancing around.

Then we go to a spotlit woman dancing around in the rain on a fire escape. She's whipping her hair everywhere, but mostly arching her back and rubbing her studded leather bustier thing (it reminds me of when Beavis and Butt-head watch the Danger Danger video for "Naughty Naughty," and they see a sexy silhouette of a woman, and Beavis says something like, "Whoa, Butt-head check out that chick! I think she's hurt or something, her back's all bent out of shape!" and Butt-head says, "No, dumbass when a chick's got her back all bent like that it means she's hot." Same era, same idea).

A guitar is strummed, Mark pouts, and as Blas tosses his mane to the back we can for the first time see the bass drums propped on their sides behind him: "Stick It to Ya" and "This Space for Rent." What, Slaughter lame? Anyway, we’re back in the alley with that girl dancing around. She's taken off her jacket to reveal a satiny bra. This makes the backlit Slaughter (sorry, Mark Slaughter that is!) shake his hair back and forth, while a square grid of lights to one side of him keeps turning on and off.

Leather bustier woman goes nuts in some steamy fog, and then Mark does the lamest dance ever (it's like a slightly more metal version of the cabbage patch). We then see a woman with a truly prodigious amount of blonde hair wearing a suit with truly prodigious shoulder pads. She spins to walk toward… a ton of water spraying out of something, maybe an opened hydrant.

Back at the mic, Mark smiles a lot (it's the shot that always gets used when VH-1 is like "Slaughter were the lameasses who ruined metal for everyone," which they always sort of claim). He bops around and semi-mimes the lyrics while the rest of the band sing along. Have I mentioned yet that he is wearing ripped jeans, a white tank top, and a black leather vest? No? Well, he is.

Next we see a red-lipped blonde in black sunglasses in front of the neon signs from earlier. Soon after, we see her defending her satiny skirt from a sudden, very low to the ground gust of wind. The guy by the wall coughs and stands up, while the now fully jacketless brunette dances on. Her one move seems to be holding her arms by her head while she gyrates her hips. The guy goes and stands by himself. Slaughter continue goofing off and sort of rocking out, and that blonde (who now has caught hold of her dress) gives the camera a look, and we see the leather bustier girl, all worn out, leaning against a wall by a different neon sign. Oh, nope, now she’s dancing around in the fog again. Never mind.



The band members all sing along, and the shoulderpad lady walks her dogs in silhouette while water sprays behind her. A couple pass in front of her as she appears to walk through a construction site. The bustier lady is back on her fire escape, and apparently it's raining again. Slaughter seem to redouble their efforts at screaming "Up all night!" with as much vigor and passion as possible, the camera cutting between them so itis like Blas yells "up" and shakes his hair, then Mark yells "all" and grins, and Dana yells "night!" and tosses his hair.

As we head toward the solo and Mark's wish to stay up 24 hours a day, we see a guy in jeans and one of those horrible haircuts every man in America had at some point between 1988 and 1992 -- you know, shaved to the ears, and long on top. Hideous. He tries to follow the blonde and her Dobies. She blows him off, and he does a very exaggerated spin and kick that puts me in mind of like, every commercial for everything from the early 90s and also begs the question, are those Bugle Boy jeans he's wearing? (If you're thinking of clicking that bad boy, scroll to the bottom paragraph to see where I was going with that one.) Mark spins and the guy does an additional fruitless kick before the solo begins.

During the solo, we see more shots of the two main women, plus lots of Mark and Dana headbanging in tandem. They even let Mark hold a guitar. Blas pouts ridiculously, and in some shots Mark has the guitar while in others he's just high-stepping and pumping his fist. Everyone spins their guitars around their necks, and Mark does his cabbage patch dance again. The leather bustier woman appears to be reaching the height of ecstasy out there on her fire escape.

As they reprise the chorus, all women in the video give the camera knowing looks, and the blonde continues to lead her dogs through the construction even though a big rig is coming up behind them and yet another fire hydrant explodes. Mark shares his microphone with his bandmates, who at this point (and who can blame them? They've probably been doing it for hours) are just screaming "up all night!" with their mouths wide open. Both Dana and Tim have like, spasms where they stare at their guitars and then jerk their heads back, jaws agape.

The song concludes with Mark pumping his fist one last time. We see Blas' actual bass drum with the band's logo on it, then the leather bustier lady calming down and stepping away from the camera, then we pan across a puddle to find the girl and guy now sitting peaceably together beside the brick wall. The chauffeur dude gets back in the front seat of the car and closes the door, and after he slams it we see clouds racing across the sky, followed by the sun rising once more.



THE VERDICT Slaughter are a pretty horrible band, but I am going to go out on a limb here and note that this is not that bad of a song. Okay, except for the very beginning and the end -- the kids singing "America the Beautiful" are both annoying and pointless, as are the sirens and crap, although those are at least like "night noises" or what have you. But anyway yeah, I don't think this is a terrible song. It's very accessible. I like the verses fairly well. Mark Slaughter's voice is, as always, a bit high-pitched for my taste, but since this is sort of a scream-along song, it doesn’t matter too much.

Now I recognize and I admit that at at least one time in the not-so-distant past, I made a statement to the effect that if I could time travel, I would go to 1990 to get on Mark Slaughter. These were, clearly, ill-advised remarks, as Slaughter are hella lame (even if Mark himself is honestly, not a bad looking guy and in fact, seems to get better looking with age). This is really their only half-decent song, and if reports are true, they're basically all assholes (or at the least, Dana and Blas are. Mark's their pawn, and well, Tim's dead, so you can’t really criticize him).

On these reports, I can't really comment, but on the oft-made observation that Slaughter somehow were the death knell of great 80s metal I will. In a nutshell: They weren't. Yes, they tried to get away with wearing flannel shirts whilst incorporating the overall aesthetic of Guess? Jeans ads. Yes, Mark's a cute kid. But honestly, this is not what killed 80s metal. Nirvana's Nevermind isn't even what killed it.

What killed it was the insane glut of abominably crappy bands signed during the period when every record company's A&R guys were just looking for any act with a lot of hair and a lead singer with decent cheekbones, thinking that those two factors were what was making records sell -- truly pathetic tripe merchants like Shotgun Messiah, Vain, Babylon AD, Dangerous Toys, Bulletboys, and Danger Danger (jeez – mentioning them twice in one writeup), to name a very few (many thanks to this amazing site, which does an awesome job of actually finding information on some pretty thankless bands). I would argue 110% that it was hideous acts like these (which make mid-level bands like White Lion seem like visionaries and true artists) that brought mighty metal to its knees, not Mark Slaughter's chipper dance moves.