Twisted Sister feat. Alice Cooper, "Be Chrool to Your Scuel"

Schoolday of the Dead  

THE VIDEO Twisted Sister featuring Alice Cooper, "Be Chrool to Your Scuel", Come Out and Play, 1985, Atlantic 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Be cruel to your schoo-ool! / 'Cause you may never get another! / Be cruel to your schoo-ool! / In the name of rock n' roll!" 

THE VERDICT Never seen this one before? Not too surprising — MTV rejected it as too offensive at the time, Vh-1 Classic doesn't even air it now, and even Twisted Sister themselves have more or less buried it. 

It's pretty much their Heaven's Gate. What with all the celeb guests — Alice Cooper, obviously, as well as Bobcat Goldthwait; but behind the scenes you've purportedly got Brian Setzer, Clarence Clemons, and most bizarrely, Billy Joel — clearly this production cost a ton. We've moved beyond just like, people who are only famous for being in Animal House (though I know, Niedermeyer goes on to be the Maestro in Seinfeld. But that comes later). I think they pretty much blew their Stay Hungry money on this one. 

And as the opening of this video pointedly reminds us, Dee Snider was feeling pretty self-righteous about censorship as it was, having somewhat inadvertently having become the face (and voice) of heavy metal during the Parents Music Resource Center hearings (no one else from the world of metal really showed up to testify). It's no wonder that after working up this whole song and video only to have MTV pretty much kill it, they decided to shelve the whole thing. 

You also have to imagine that all the non-Dee Snider members of Twisted Sister weren't that into it anyway, as they barely figure in the video to begin with. All they really get to do is open lockers and peek inside. 

Anyway, the video begins with two quotes, both from the September 28, 1985 U.S. Senate Hearings on Rock Lyrics. First, from Dee: "Our videos are simply meant to be cartoons with human actors." Second, from Senator Ernest Hollings (D-SC, but really that D is in the old-line, Strom Thurmond southern Democrat sense): "It's just outrageous filth." 

I have to say, I do appreciate that at least at some point, something cool got discussed during one of these things. When I was in college, I had a work-study job at the library, and I worked in the government documents collection. OMG, does the U.S. government pump out a lot of paper. I spent a lot of time shelving the Congressional Record, so I'm glad that at least in 1985 it might have included some of this.

 

Then we get a lengthy vignette featuring Bobcat Goldthwait as a frantic high school teacher. Yeah, I kind of relate to this sequence. Sometimes when I'm teaching, I will just kind of go out of body for a second and be like, "Wait, does what I'm saying make sense at all? Or am I just saying completely random things?" I mean, the answers are always yes, and then no, but it's kind of like how sometimes you'll be driving your car, and suddenly you'll have a moment where you're like 'Oh, whoa, I'm driving right now', almost as if you somehow forgot you were driving? 

I know, I'm making you fear for the educational future of your children or whatnot right now. But really, if you're reading this, you should probably already be worried about your kids, heh heh. 

Anyway, the bell rings, and we get the usual teacher-gets-jostled-about-in-the-crowd-of-students shot. Does this ever really happen, outside of heavy metal videos and charismatic-teacher/principal-turns-around-a-troubled-school movies? I don't remember ever being in such a hurry to leave class that I needed to like, trample somebody. 

Fade to Bob quickly regaining his composure in an incredibly spacious teacher's lounge, with giant windows and ample seating. He grabs his Walkman from a cubby and settles into a couch beside another teacher who's also listening to headphones. The first teacher asks him what he's listening to, and Bob responds by yelling "TWISTED SISTER!" right into the guy's face. 

The other teacher plugs his headphones into Bob's giant Walkman so he can listen too, and suddenly — two full freakin' minutes in — Bob opens his eyes and transforms into Dee Snider. And the other teacher opens his eyes and transforms into Alice Cooper! 

There's spooky blue lighting, and dry ice fog, and naturally the other teachers have become Mark Mendoza, Jay Jay French, etc. I also enjoy how everyone demonstrates their transformation by looking at their palms in astonishment. 

Is that what one does when one wakes up as someone else? At least in Big and 17 Again and The Hot Chick and stuff like that, people react by looking in mirrors and completely freaking out and screaming a lot and stuff. But I think they decided (rightly) that this video was long enough.

 

Dee and Alice head into the hall and yup, the students are zombies. This is like the one heavy metal video about school that doesn't use some kind of A Clockwork Orange-type scenario, but zombies give you the same idea I suppose — less that education is force-fed, but still the same idea that it is somehow mindless. 

Despite the fact that Dee and Alice just push past the zombies, who seem totally harmless and uninterested in eating their brains, it's clearly the zombie footage that got this video nixed. Probably the grossest thing in it is the zombies-making-out scene, which involves one zombie sort of trying to pull the other zombie's jaw off—yup, it looks like when David Coverdale and Tawny Kitaen make out, only with rotting flesh. 

But on the plus, it reminds me of one of my favorite scenes in the best-show-you-haven't-watched, Bob's Burgers — Tina's zombie dream. Seriously, I love everything Jon Benjamin does so much.

Actually, it's not just the making out. A lot of disgusting stuff happens in this video. A student leaves an apple on teacher Dee's desk, and his hand and forearm get left along with it. 

Then again, I feel like worse stuff (and with much more realistic special effects) happens in "Thriller." I mean when that one corpse has all that green stuff come out of its mouth? Gee-ross. Okay, but then Dee acts like he's going to eat the arm, so. Michael Jackson did a lot of weird stuff, but cannibalism (or would this be like, necrophagy or something?) wasn't among it. 

The cafeteria scene is oddly reminiscent of "Hot for Teacher," with the band playing on a raised platform in one corner. But why is the lunch lady serving the zombies rubber rats? Shouldn't she be serving them brains? Or at least cold spaghetti noodles and peeled grapes? (Come on, you never did that when you were a kid? "These were his eyes!")

 

Okay, actually I think the grossest scene in this video is — well I'm not sure what's happening. At first it seems like it's the school nurse, but then you see other kids watching, so maybe it's some kind of bio class. But a zombie teacher is decapitating one zombie student, and then a student in the classroom imitates this by ripping open his own neck and going for what's in there. Yeah, it's early in the morning as I write this and that's making me feel a little queasy. Tracheotomies freak me out. (Wait, are there people who aren't freaked out by tracheotomies? Don't answer that.)

Suddenly Alice is dressed as a doctor too, and he shines his little light in one student's ear and has it come out the other. WTF is going on in this video?! Annnnd now he's got a scalpel out. Sorry Dee, but this is no Wile E. Coyote-style giant Acme anvil. You're getting a little too gruesome with this one. 

Though to his credit, he does use a fire extinguisher on the home ec teacher whose hands are on fire. But now Dee's biting people again. Is he the only real zombie here? 

There's a sequence with a zombie band playing that's pretty straightforward, and I assume is covering for the fact that aside from Alice, they couldn't actually get any of their guest musicians to appear in the video. Hence a zombie stand-in for Clarence Clemons, etc. Apparently this is where the bar was for him (RIP): He'd be in a Lady GaGa video, but not this. 

As the zombie students crowd into the auditorium, Twisted Sister quickly run to replace the zombie band. Speaking of zombies, have I mentioned yet that Alice Cooper looks freakin' exhausted in this video? You can tell the whole time that Dee is so into it, but Alice looks like he's barely even going through the motions.

 

Anyway, the whole zombie crew pours through the halls, and we get a quick meet-the-band sequence actually showing the non-Dee members of Twisted Sister — hey, remember them? 

Then we're back in the now normally-lit teachers' lounge with Bob, who's waking up. Wait, was it all just a dream? He puts his Walkman back in his cubby and heads out into the hall — where he is instantly smothered with zombie hands. Dunt-dunt-DAH! 

I think this video's biggest downfall might not even be the video — it's the song. Now I know I'm no big Twisted Sister fan, but among their singles I think this is actually the weakest. It's clear they love mining the look, feel, and sound of the 50s/pre-Beatles 60s (I mean remember what the other big single from this album was?). But this bizarre homage to the Beach Boys' "Be True to Your School" just doesn't work.  

P.S.: Oh my gosh, even in this already super-long post, I can't believe I forgot the one salient successful element of this video — it was one of the first things Luke Perry was cast in, and Twisted Sister are at times credited with having 'discovered' the future Dylan McKay. Can you believe it? 

I can't for the life of me figure out who he is in this video. He would have been about 19 or 20 when it was shot. My first guess was the kid in the center of the first photo strip, but he seems too young. Then again, Luke was playing high school-aged Dylan whilst in his late 20s/early 30s, so maybe when he actually was that age he looked like he was a tween? My second guess is the self tracheotomy guy (left photo in the bottom strip), though that might be the same guy. What do you all think? 

P.P.S.: Get it? Like the George Romero sequel?

  

Helix, "Gimme Gimme Good Lovin'"

Here She Is, Miss Rock Fantasy  

THE VIDEO Helix, "Gimme Gimme Good Lovin'", Walkin' the Razor's Edge, 1984, Capitol 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Gimme gimme good lovin' / ev-er-y ni-ight / gimme gimme good lovin' / ev-er-y ni-ight (ev'ry ni-ight)" 

THE VERDICT Since I used their distinctive "H" in my new logo, I thought it was only fair that this week we turn our attention to the dulcet sounds of Helix. I was about to do "Heavy Metal Love" (mainly because I wanted to talk about Hell Comes to Frogtown), but once I remembered this utter WTF-fest of a video, I couldn't resist. I even had to add "beauty pageant" as a tag because of it. 

This video takes the conceit of "Hot for Teacher," subtracts the kids and multiplies it by the leotards and underage girls of "Body Talk," then adds the comedic framing of an early Twisted Sister video to come out with a result that is completely ridiculous. And I mean even for Helix, a band that was extremely susceptible to ridiculous videos. 

Helix are sort of like the Y&T of Canada: Like Y&T, they were around forever, worked really hard, and are considered underrated (though less so than Y&T). They've got a similar sound, which I'd characterize as New Wave Of North American Heavy Metal. Think of it as like the NWOBHM, except with way less of an emphasis on the macabre and fantastic, and way more on partying. Oh, and lots of chanting. Lots of chanting. 

Also like Y&T, and importantly for my point here, being a bunch of not-good-looking guys, they are constantly placed in videos that either a) minimize their roles in the action, b) surround them with hot women who provide a visual distraction from them, c) are funny, making them the funny guys instead of just the un-hot guys, or d) do all three. This video does all three and then some. 

The video begins with a couple of sportscasters having some witty banter that seems choppily edited, I'm assuming because something NSFW gets said. Turns out not only is this video ridiculous in its current state. It also has a completely over-the-top (and completely NSFW) unedited version that was created to be aired on the Playboy channel (!) and which doesn't just feature Traci Lords, I mean it features Traci Lords. When she was 16, no less. Way to keep it classy, Helix. 

You can't get your hands on that version, because duh, illegal. Anyway, here's what you get in the edited version: Bald sportscaster: "Well, what can I say, another extravaganza! You can cut the suspense with a knife! I haven't seen so many- boy, the guys in Helix look good, don't they?" Handsome sportscaster: "What can I say?" Bald sportscaster: (nods)

 

It then cuts to a ditzy, vaguely Southern-sounding blond who the screen identifies as "Beth Broadway, Miss Rock Fantasy 1983." In perfect pageant-ese, she says "Gosh, I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be back here this year. All the girls are such fun, and such wonderful friends." 

After this, it cuts back to the handsome sportscaster, who says, "It looks like we're ready, so let's go on down to the floor for the third annual Miss Rock Fantasy Pageant." There's an announcer down on the stage who says, "And now ladies and gentlemen, without any further ado, I'd like to present the girls vying for the crown of Miss Rock Fantasy. Girls, take a bow!" before things actually start with the Lady GaGa -slash- post-op Heidi Montag-looking Miss California, who is nearly falling out of her leotard (which is definitely more low-cut than the others), as she pouts and air-kisses for the camera. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this woman is probably from porn. 

We then see a montage of the different contestants either dancing, or in many cases standing still and moving their hair around with their arms, on the lighted walkway. They are all wearing the exact same thing: Black heels, blue sashes, and green and black leotards. The leotards feature a sort of black suspenders look, as if this is possibly two separate leotards and the black is layered over the green. American Apparel, take note. Oh wait, you already have. 

We start with Miss Utah, a spunky young brunette who we'll later see looks like a favorite to win. Let me also mention she's played by Brinke Stevens, who a) is in tons of B-horror movies but also b) is totally from San Diego! She should've been Miss California. 

She's followed by Miss Georgia, a bored blond a very underage Traci Lords, and then Miss Vermont, who has an incredible amount of hair — it's like knee-length! Miss Texas is older-looking blonde who seems to have experience dancing on a lighted catwalk. 

The next two look kind of young — Miss Illinois, a girl-next-door brunette, and Miss Arkansas, an especially high-school-age-looking blonde who looks nervous. Last up is Miss New York, whose dancing and comportment is vaguely Flashdance-esque. 

Ohhh wait. As the song kicks in, here's the band. They've decided to color-coordinate in black and red, all in sleeveless tops with leather pants. Studs are everywhere. Oh wait, I don't mean the guys in Helix are studs. I mean like, they're wearing lots of garments and accessories with little metal grommets attached to them. Don't get it twisted. 

Anyway, there's much synchronized headbanging and guitar waving. As the first verse begins, we see one of the contestants come out to, uh, perform. Is this the talent portion? She's wearing a sleeveless black thing, black booties, sheer stockings, and fingerless black gloves. But it's easy to ignore those given the GaGa-esque halfmask she has on. Half is black and studded, while the other half is just these long, spiky feathers. She carries two coconuts down the catwalk, which she places beside her feet before smashing one of them with a giant wooden mallet. Uhhh oh-kayyy.

 

This causes singer Brian Vollmer to somersault off the drum riser, which is covered in contestants. The contestants basically dance all over the stage the entire time the band is performing, not really moving around or anything, but just sort of bopping back and forth in place. 

The masked contestant smiles and then growls at the camera, which makes the handsome sportscaster sweat like he's in a sauna. I'm not 100% sure about this ID, but I'm thinking this is Traci Lords/Miss Georgia. I'm not very up on 80s porn stars though. 

Anyway, the other girls tease Brian with their dance moves, and before you know it we're onto contestant number 2. She's wearing a very early 80s heavy metal studded black bodysuit with a cut-out that goes down to the navel (and coordinating fingerless gloves!), and sheer black stockings with garters. She does a sexy dance (while smoking a cigarette no less) that ends with her posing on a chair. Hmm, I think the first contestant had a better talent, but we should probably wait for the ballgown portion to judge. 

The chorus features more dancing around, and many, many shots of Miss New York's crotch. Apparently she was right in front of the camera, and apparently they liked it that way. Half the time her lower bits are taking up about half the frame, with the members of Helix in the distance behind her. 

Oh! Here we go. Another "talent." This one appears to be Lady GaGa/Miss California. In an extremely low-cut black thing that makes the last contestant's attire look tasteful and a pair of elbow-length (you guessed it!) sheer fingerless gloves, her talent appears to be catching white feathers that are falling from the ceiling with her tongue. This makes bald sportscaster sweat and say "WOW" to the camera. 

Did I mention before that Brian seems to like Miss Utah best? He keeps leaning on her and pulling her into the frame. In other news, Miss Texas continues to look super-bored. 

The guitar solo consists of a black-and-white shot of Brent Doerner walking down the catwalk — which has been colored in purple for some reason — and kicking the lightbulbs off with his foot as he walks along. Hmm. It doesn't really fit with the rest of the video, but whatever. At least he doesn't have to play the solo from like, behind some woman's butt.

 

Can I also mention that "Doctor" Doerner kind of looks like Bruce McCulloch from The Kids in the Hall? 'Cause he totally kind of does. 

Just when you think it's over, there's another talent portion. This one is Miss Vermont, identifiable by the fact that she has more hair on her head than everyone else in this video combined. She comes out in a totally weird get-up with red heeled boots and a hat, and she's got a red motorcycle on the catwalk. Compared to the others, she's demure — she has on an oversized leather vest over her low-cut bodysuit and stocking/garter combo. Oops, nevermind, she just took that off, causing the balding sportcaster to intone, "What can I say!" 

This also makes Vollmer jump off the drum riser and do a somersault again. Or knowing Helix metal videos from this era, this is probably the same shot they used earlier. Actually nope, it's not -- the girls are gone. 

Anyway, wow, so Vermont's talent includes mounting the front wheel of the chopper in reverse and waving around her truly prodigious amount of hair. Something tells me she's not going to win, even with this crowd. 

The video ends with the band and all the contestants huddled in together, with words across the scene claiming "We'll be back to crown our winner after this..." Some weird dude with a mustache Rip Taylor has made it onto Miss Vermont's chopper, and though he's super-excited to be there, I'm not really sure why he's there. Oh wait, for all the topless porn stars! Duh. 

P.S.: Amongst all this weirdness, how'd I manage to forget to mention this song is a cover? It was originally performed in 1969 by a Canadian bubblegum pop act with the improbable name Crazy Elephant. 

David Lee Roth, "California Girls"

Katy Perry Is No Diamond Dave

THE VIDEO David Lee Roth, "California Girls," Crazy from the Heat EP, 1985, Warner Bros.

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "[I dig them girls!] I wish they all could be California / [Ow!] I wish they all could be California / I wish they all could be California girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrls"

THE VERDICT As someone who has now lived in California for four years, and who -- while inevitably growing older -- still considers herself more or less a "girl," I've got to tell you, I freakin' hate this Katy Perry and Snoop Dogg "California Gurls" song. Every time I hear Perry doing the "oh-OH-oh-OH, oh-OH-oh-OH-oh-OHHHHH" part I want to scream. It's so overproduced, so calculated, so... inaccurate. I mean women out here don't even bother with the short-shorts. I've seen girls walking around the Gaslamp (which is like the Times Square of San Diego -- disgusting, touristy, overpriced, etc.) wearing just bikinis paired with high heels. Bear in mind now this is nowhere near the beach -- just near San Diego harbor, where you can't exactly swim, let alone tan -- and that the one downside to Cali (besides no Dunkin' Donuts -- don't even get me started on that) is it gets COLD here at night! Damn girls, put on some clothes!

Or since that's probably not going to happen, can we just turn off the Katy Perry, and turn on some David Lee Roth? I know he doesn't add much to this song besides all the "Ow!" and "Ze-bops!", the eye-rolling, and of course all the roundhouse kicks. But can we please acknowledge that the Beach Boys wrote a great song, and that Diamond Dave is an amazing showman? I think we can.

This video begins -- amazingly, not with David Lee Roth or any of his associates in fat suits -- but, of course, with a creepy and bizarre panoply of racial stereotypes. I know Dave fancies himself quite the comedian, but these are not his strengths, and there's a reason why these often get stripped off the beginning of his solo videos that doesn't have anything to do with the running time. But since obviously I'm a completist, we're going to talk about them here.

We kick off with a titular quote from "Thank Heaven for Little Girls," attributed to Maurice Chevalier who sings it in Gigi. DLR continues the lecherous tradition with the addition of "and some of the other sizes too." I wish they'd actually taken it more literally (it means "little" in the sense of age more than size), so we could have a whole conversation about David Lee Roth, cougar hunter, but alas.

Following the words "somewhere in California" (uhh, I'm going to go with Venice), we get a creepy version of the music, and an even creepier voiceover that I'm guessing is meant to evoke Rod Serling and the Twilight Zone: "Submitted for your approval, a busload of tourists on a road a travel agent never told them about, a road leading to the shadowy tip of nowhere, to the land of the different, the bizarre, the unexplainable. They thought they were headed for fun in the sun... not quite. These visitors are trying to go home again, but where they're headed is another dimension entirely, one of wonder and imagination. Fasten your seatbelts, signposts up ahead, as they take a turn into the Sunlight Zone."



Who's on this journey? We've got old friends, and new friends and even a bear... okay, no bear. But get familiar, 'cause come "Yankee Rose," you're going to get to see a bunch of these all over again:

- Obviously, we've got Dave, looking extra-crazy. He's wearing a white tour bus operator's uniform that makes him look like an extra-spiffy ice cream truck driver, or maybe a milkman.
- We've got a fat lady dressed in loud, bright colors (even for 1985), heavily made up and smearing on more makeup as the bus travels (I should mention, everyone's bouncing up and down to emphasize that they're on a moving bus).
- Waldo from the "Hot for Teacher" video, looking extra-disgusting and messily eating a doughnut.
- Beginning the racial and ethnic stereotypes section of our tour bus, we've got a black couple. Both are dressed loudly, with sunglasses. The man is wearing a big hat and is picking his teeth while grinning broadly; the woman has on red sunglasses and is applying and reapplying bright red lipstick.
- A vaguely unhinged-looking plus-size lady, who appears to be dressed as a bride. She's gripping a large bouquet of fake flowers and looking around nervously.
- The next couple are either stereotypical Italians or Hispanics -- it's hard to tell with David Lee Roth videos. I'm going to go with Latinos here, since Dave usually stereotypes Italians as Mafiosos. This is a guy in a hairnet and mirrored glasses smoking a cigarillo, and a woman with big hair and sunglasses holding a baby (or something we're meant to think is a baby anyway).
- A shifty-looking Arab man, sweating profusely in a suit and a shemagh.
- A pair of nerdy Asian tourists, photographing everything. Real original, Dave. Sheesh.
- Okay this one I'm less sure about. A very tired-looking old white man who appears to be wearing some kind of costume ears.
- Next a more stereotyped white guy -- a fat bearded man in a flannel shirt and a cowboy hat sucking down a beer wrapped in a paper bag.
- Another sweaty, vaguely Arab guy. I think he's also wearing a keffiyeh but it's harder to tell.
- Last we get a vaguely Rick Moranis-looking, super-nervous white guy wearing big glasses and a sailor suit.

I guess they didn't trust Dave to actually drive the tour bus (one of those ones you ride around theme parks or country clubs, with just a little canopy roof and open sides) with the occupants in it, because when he pulls it to a stop on the boardwalk, there doesn't seem to be anyone in it (though we do get reaction shots of people looking nervous). The beach they're on is deserted and looks freezing, or maybe like it's early morning. Or like it's freezing and it's early in the morning.

As Dave's spangly shoes step out onto the pavement, the actual song finally starts (a minute and twenty seconds in to the video!). Everyone gets out of the bus, and heads for the beach, walking through fog and some weird stuff -- fallen-down fences (the kind they use to shore up dunes back east, but which I've never seen at a beach out here), caution signs, and white crosses buried in the sand as if it's a graveyard. The significance of this never becomes clear, so don't get excited, I don't have any insight for you.



Finally, the meat of the video! Dave and babes interspersed with reaction shots of Dave and various of the passengers, all of which are shot with what seems like a little bit of a fisheye lens, to make their appearances a bit more exaggerated. The first four segments illustrate the lyrics of the first verse, which I love! We've got:

- East Coast Girls: Love this one! An Elizabeth Berkley-looking woman in a white bikini and sunglasses gyrates with a pole in front of a brick wall covered in graffiti. She's holding something unidentifiable -- a cheeseburger? A cheesesteak? Ungh I totally want a cheesburger now. Great. Dave's wearing all black on top -- leather jacket, scarf -- with pink and blue spandex on the bottom.

- Southern Girls: Wow. Dave is standing with a model in front of a vintage red truck, with a confederate flag hanging behind them. She's wearing a pink bikini, a big hat, frilly white socks with heels, and gloves while sipping a drink through a long straw. In an effort to outdo her, Dave is wearing boot, jeans with the thighs cut out of them, a red bandanna, an open jacket, a hat and gloves. He may or may not be wearing a holster as well. Okay, no, it's some kind of leather fanny pack.

- Midwest Farmers' Daughters: This one is my favorite! I don't care about the girl... I could watch David Lee Roth peel that ear of corn and make sexy faces all. day. LONG. I should make an animated gif of just that and put it on every part of the web ever. Mmm, when Diamond Dave has got it, he's got it. Also this is a great montage. Dave is wearing overalls and a bandanna, and standing in front of a woman with pigtails in a brown, fringed bikini who's sitting on top of some bales of hay. There's a wagon wheel, some milk jugs, and maybe a picnic table in front of her. And behind her, a fence, and a cow! They went to all that extra trouble with the Humane Society and whatnot just to put a cow in the video for two seconds. Awesome. Oh and the girl is chewing on a piece of straw. Point, Midwestern Girls.

- Northern Girls: For this one, Dave gets two girls, dressed identically in pale blue furry bikinis and earmuffs, with white bobbed wigs. Dave's added a winter hat to his wardrobe arsenal, and in addition to the backdrop of pine trees, it's fake snowing on them. At the beach.

For the chorus, Dave's tour guide suit has suddenly become bright orange, as he leads the tourists down the abandoned boardwalk (which also looks very windy). We then see Dave making more sexy faces over the shoulder of a brunette in sunglasses who looks like she's not feeling it at all. Don't hate lady, 1985 if a great vintage of David Lee Roth. The chest hair is thick and the head hair is hangin' on.

We then see two more obliging brunettes in bikinis posing for the sweaty Arab guy and the sailor guy before going to more illustrative vignettes. We see Dave in another all-orange outfit and zinc oxide next to a busty woman enthusiastically applying sunscreen to her friend. Next Dave is wearing stirrup pants (remember those?) and a big straw hat while drinking out of a pineapple. He's in a hammock outside a palapa-roof shack, with a female bodybuilder striking poses right next to him.



Then we see Dave dancing around on the boardwalk while the tourists try to make do. Most of them are wandering around aimlessly, but some seem to have built a fire on the boardwalk. Also, how have I forgotten to mention the sunset shots of DLR? We keep also seeing shots of Dave singing and performing in his white outfit next to a palm tree, with a purple-y sunset behind him. Those I also love.

More Diamond Dave antics: In his orange tour guide outfit, Dave slides (as if on a conveyor belt, but probably just being pulled on some kind of cart) past all the women from the video, who are sitting on boxes and doing synchronized hand motions and kicks. He splashes around by a pier with two girls in sunglasses and one-piece bathing suits, while wearing a Body Glove wetsuit (dang, remember Body Glove? I mean, they're still around, but remember when Body Glove was really cool?). Then Dave lies on the sand, with women's legs doing synchronized kicks beside him. I wonder how much of this video he choreographed. Or how much of it was his idea, anyway.

We then get a genuinely bizarre meta-segment. Dave in his white tour outfit leads the tourists past an abandoned-looking gas station. Then the camera pulls back slightly, and we see it's a set -- there are lights, and a boom mic, etc. But then the camera pulls back further and we see DLR is filming this all himself, even though we can still see tour guide Dave dancing away in the distance. I'm going to guess that Dave did come up with this part himself.

Next comes the sort of breakdown part of the song, which is what most people remember from this video. Dave has shed the jacket and hat from his white suit, and is dancing down the boardwalk while the tourists watch. All of the women from the video are arrayed on either side, pretending to be mannequins, more or less, while Dave leaps and roundhouse kicks and "Ow!"s his way down the boardwalk. Personally I would find it hard to hold still while 1985 David Lee Roth was singing right next to my crotch, but that lady pulls it off. Unlike the lady he grabs sunglasses from, who at minimum moves her hand but who it kind of looks like gives him the finger!

Dave finally makes it all the way to the end, and jumps around looking ridiculous. It's finally really sunny now, so like I said either it was really cold because it was really overcast, or it was really early in the morning and the sun is just coming up. The camera pulls back away from him and down the boardwalk, past all the women posing. The tourists walk around amid all the women, and, oh great, the voiceover is back, as the camera continues to pull away.

"For you, the viewer, this is the end of the video. But for them, this is only the beginning." Of what? A bunch of them are hugging. A couple have fallen over. But wait, maybe they mean the beginning of getting to play ridiculous and often offensive characters in David Lee Roth videos. It may well be the beginning of that.

Cinderella, "Somebody Save Me"

An Almost Fairytale Ending

THE VIDEO Cinderella, "Somebody Save Me," Night Songs, 1986, Mercury

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRICS "Somebody saaaaaay-aaaaaaaay-aaaaave me / I lost my job they kicked me out of my tree / Somebody saaaaaay-aaaaaaaay-aaaaave me / Saaaaaaay-aaaaaaaay-aaaaave ME!"

THE VERDICT This song is just pure, vintage, classic Cinderella. Just a good ol'-fashioned guitar assault from Jeff LaBar, and a deliciously growly vocal from Tom Keifer. And the video, which is mostly performance footage, is pretty good too. But that's just my opinion. And in this case, my opinion pales next to that of those two pinnacles of pontification, Beavis and Butt-head. I can not watch this video without thinking of all of the things they say about it, and so as I go through it, I can't help but interject their take.

You know I love when plot elements continue between videos, and this is no exception. As with all of the other videos from Night Songs, we get to see the two wicked stepsisters. After being informed that the video is taking place "Somewhere in Philadelphia" in 1985, they run down a hall toward a studio where Cinderella are recording this song. Let me also mention that in this clip, the gals are wearing completely, utterly ridiculous 80s outfits. I love polka dots, but these ensembles push it a little too far.

Everyone in Cinderella however deserves a special mention for wearing the coolest outfits ever. In particular, Eric Brittingham -- who is looking ridiculously young and hot -- has layered an unstructured, leopard-print blazer over a Batman t-shirt, and Jeff LaBar has accessorized a Look What the Cat Dragged In Poison tee with a silky, sparkly, purple scarf. These are both outfits I would totally wear um, now.



On a semi-related note, Tom Keifer's lips are looking more gigantic and trout-like than ever, but whatever, we all know I love a man with great lips. Seriously, Tom's lips are what Bret Michaels wishes he had. Luscious, pillowy... okay, but enough about me, back to the video.

This is the only video where we get to see their keyboard player Jeff Paris, even if only for a few seconds. I remember reading a thing in I think Circus being like "why can't Cinderella just acknowledge him as a member of the band, he plays on all their songs?" We also get to see the album's producer, Andy Johns (who has a passing resemblance to Joe Elliott), as himself.

But what do the boys have to say about the studio footage? Though they are excited to see the wicked stepsisters (chanting "butt! butt! butt!" each time their skirts flip up), Beavis and Butt-head are less interested in the rest of this video (as Butt-head says "Uhhh... I think this is gonna be stupid"). Once they've spotted Andy Johns, Beavis says, "Yeah. Who the hell is this buttmunch?" which makes them both crack up. Butt-head then repeats, "Why is this dork here?" beginning a pattern throughout this video that supports my theory that Beavis is actually the much smarter of the two, and Butt-head knows this -- this is why he so thoroughly and consistently represses Beavis, whose fatal flaw is believing Butt-head that he (Butt-head) is smarter.

This dynamic gets played out more in their comments on the footage of the band playing in the studio, which are hilarious and worth excerpting here:

Beavis: "This is like 'behind the scenes at a crappy band recording session.'"
Butt-head: "Yeah" (laughter).
Beavis (spotting Tom): "Look at that guy's poodle hair!"
Butt-head: "These guys probably went to SuperCuts and said, 'Could you just like, make it more poufy?'"
Beavis: "'Yeah yeah, but keep the length. I want it like, poufy on top, and then long and straight on the sides, yeah. Yeah that would look really cool.'" (laughter)

Butt-head then accuses Beavis of asking the barber for this himself. After asserting his style comes naturally and that "chicks like it," Beavis distracts Butt-head by pointing out that Eric Brittingham "looks like a cheerleader."



Anyway, as we move from the verse to the chorus, the video switches from the studio to performance footage which -- based on Tom's extreme level of sweatiness and the fact that the venue isn't that big but also doesn't appear to be only two rows deep -- I'm going to assume is real. Also there are little things like the fact that there are a bunch of bored-looking boyfriend-types and security guards in the crowd, Eric bothering to adjust his mic (which he wouldn't need to do for lip-synching), the fact that they probably didn't have a realistically-recreate-a-concert budget, all point to it being live. There's also a shot of a girl waving what appears to be a newly purchased Bon Jovi shirt, which implies they're opening for JBJ here.

There are also a bunch of random moments in the live stuff that I really enjoy, and make it seem like Cinderella are both a fun band and that they're having fun. Fred Coury does a sort of Paul Stanley face at one point, and Tom blows a kiss to a girl in the crowd. I also particularly like when Tom and Jeff briefly play each other's guitars and then look super-happy that they pulled it off successfully. All but Fred have switched into long, skinny, sparkly, Steven Tyler-slash-Stevie Nicks jackets, which is another sartorial choice I can really get behind.

And of course, Beavis and Butt-head have way more to say about the performance footage (which admittedly, with all the David Lee Roth jumps and Steve Vai-esque guitar twirling, Cinderella is asking for a little bit). You know I love that stuff, but the boys don't really care for it. It's actually one of their more lucid commentaries. Continuing the "behind the scenes" theme Beavis picked up on earlier, the boys improvise dialogue from Cinderella:

Beavis: "Yeah yeah. 'All those years of hard work and practice in the garage finally pay off when you see the looks on those people's faces out there in the audience.'"
Butt-head: "These dudes are like, 'Look at me, I'm kicking!'"
Beavis: "'Yeah look at me! I'm twirling my guitar around and wiggling my butt! See? Just like we practiced!'"
Butt-head: "'Yeah, look at me, I'm shaking my hips and kicking, just like we did at practice!'"

See, I'm telling you! Beavis is the innovator. Butt-head just picks up on his ideas.



As the song winds down, we transition back into the studio, where the producer comes over the intercom and tells the lads that it's great and they're done. Cinderella leave the studio, where the wicked stepsisters spot them and get really excited -- or at least so it seems, as they actually run past Cinderella to embrace Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora.

I love cameos, and think it's a cute nod to Bon Jovi having discovered the band, but you know Beavis and Butt-head beg to differ. They make fun of Tom's line of dialogue ("so you think we got it?"), and then mock-pity the band for losing out to Bon Jovi. My favorite bit is a little before this though, when Beavis says he's "glad that's over" but then Butt-head goes "check it out though, they're not stopping" as the band leaves the studio. I love whenever the boys get tricked by a transition in a video (the best example of this is when they watch "Stars" by Hum).

Overall, one of the reasons I particularly love B & B-H's commentary on this video is because they really hit the nail on the head. What they describe is exactly what this video's meant to be -- here we are in 1985, recording this song and losing chicks to Bon Jovi, and then here we are now a year later, rocking the house and getting the bone-eye from chicks in the audience. I mean sure, it's the Slippery When Wet tour so we're not exactly headlining, but hey, we've pretty much made it.

P.S.: If you're looking for the episode that includes this video, it's "Patsies" from season five. Unfortunately, Beavis and Butt-head's commentary on "Somebody Save Me" isn't available online. You can however watch the full episode minus the videos here.

Y&T, "Don't Stop Runnin'"

My New Year's Resolution

THE VIDEO Y&T, "Don't Stop Runnin'", In Rock We Trust, 1984, A&M

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "(Keep on running) / Don't stop running! / (Keep on running) / 'Cause you can't catch me / You better keep on running / (Don't stop running!) / Oh yeah-ahhh!"

THE VERDICT Can you believe, and I mean truly, can you believe Motley Crue's first live show was opening for this band? Crazy but it's true folks, crazy but it's true. Reasonably decent songs aside, Y&T (which stands for Yesterday and Today) are cheesy as all get out. And as if their songs were not cheesy enough, they up the ante with their videos -- and by up the ante, I actually mean they go all in. With schlock like this, Y&T don't appear to be holding anything back (though allmusic always claims they're in on the joke).

Nonetheless, I thought it would be a good idea to end the decade and kick off the new one with some inspirational fare. While I toyed with many songs that encourage us to keep rocking and indeed, not stop rocking, in the end I picked "Don't Stop Runnin'" because it allows a bit of a wider interpretation. Also because this kind of work hard, achieve your dreams thing is more or less the new year's/new decade's resolution I set for myself. I'm in the midst of several personal and professional projects at the moment, and sometimes it's hard to see an end in sight. Thus, my resolution to "keep on runnin'."

Come to think though, I probably should have resolved to "Hang Tough," and thus blogged about Tesla -- a band and a song I much prefer to Y&T. But come on, Tesla never made a video with an apparently 30-something high school nerd turning into a robot, so we're sticking with Y&T.

Our video begins with said nerd (Paul) asking an equally not-young-looking popular girl (Susie) out on a date to a concert that evening (which we can only assume is Y&T). She harshly turns him down, letting him know she "wouldn't go to a funeral" with him and that she's going out with Big Man On Campus Charlie tonight.



That aside, we know she's popular because, come on, look at the size of the bow on her head! If we're to have learned anything from the movie Heathers, it's that high school social status is inextricably linked to the size of the bow affixed to one's noggin. The interchange is so awkward that the nerd appears to slam himself into a locker. Next thing you know, the BMOC has rolled up, causing the nerd to punch himself. Let's face it, he's kind of a hard protagonist to sympathize with.

The nerd heads home to his Y&T poster-bedecked room, where he can soothe himself with some tunes on his giant cassette Walkman. Throwing himself onto his bed (which, along with his bedroom, overall looks suspiciously like the room from "Cum On Feel the Noize" with some added decor), he's maligning his geek status when suddenly --

His Walkman explodes, and his face turns into the guy from the old Memorex ads! Next thing you know, a big metal breastplate pops through his shirt, he's got metal teeth, and big, useless metal hands -- yes, he is turning into the Y&T robot. This transformation appears to make him as baffled and sweaty as his exchange with the girl, and before you know it, yup, he's a robot. They can't likely afford the special effects to actually show the transformation, so we just get rapid cuts back and forth between the robot's face, and the nerd with metal teeth. Oh wait, not braces, more like grills.

The robot doing some aerobicizing gives way to Y&T performing live-ish in front of a fairly robust crowd. In fact, close-up shots of the robot are used to transition from scene to scene throughout the video, which is kind of weird. Apparently, the robot is flying around the Y&T concert as well as hovering over Southern California.



We next see the BMOC pull up in a white convertible to pick up the girl. He looks smug, and she looks thrilled, having put an even larger bow in her hair. She's also now wearing a flouncy, puffy-shouldered white dress and white gloves. As his car pulls away, we see that the BMOC's vanity plate reads "STUD BOY." Eww.

Oh snap, now the robot is onstage with Y&T. Just when I was about to say that based on their level of sweatiness and the lack of decent camera angles this probably was a live performance. The robot sort of hop-skips toward the camera before hopping over it. My guess is the costume is made out of foam rubber -- it looks soft and squishy.

Now the robot is flying (aka superimposed) over the Y&T audience. We then see the girl and BMOC driving (aka also superimposed) at night. She's attempting to look less than thirty by blowing bubbles with her gum, while he's more or less continuing to look smug. Ooh, now the robot is flying (you know what I'm going to say by this point) over the city. All of this is interspersed with shots of various members of Y&T sweating and yelling.



The girl and BMOC suddenly find themselves at a stop sign, that is somehow also possibly in an alley, quite shocked and confronted with three uh... I guess they're supposed to be punks, but this is in the sense that Nic Cage in Valley Girl is supposed to be a punk. The girl makes ridiculous overacting faces, and the BMOC shrinks down in his seat as the "punks" size them up. Also, let me mention one of the "punks" is a chick wearing black lipstick and an eyepatch with a large "tattoo" that says "Search and Destroy" in the center of her back. Oooh, rough neighborhood.

The tallest punk reaches in and grabs the car keys, while the lady punk smiles at the wide-eyed girl. The BMOC gets out of the car only to be roughed up by the two guys. They then get the girl out of the car and start pushing her around -- aww, the tall guy even grabs her bow! She's powerless without it! The BMOC watches in horror and then runs away.

There's a weird moment where the girl gets thrown to the ground, and then she and the punk girl sort of look at each other knowingly. I kind of feel like that moment is the only time we sense any sort of real chemistry in this video. Then it's back to the robot flying around, apparently content to enjoy the power of flying (can you blame him?) and let the girl get hassled by the punks. No worries, as she then punches the guy punk with the weird eye makeup (it appears to spell out "BITE" -- seriously, where did they learn about punks for this video?). This then inexplicably leads to him taking out his aggression on the "STUD BOY" vanity plates.

The vandalism of private property finally somehow gains the robot's attention. Let me mention also that when the robot is "flying", all its parts don't fit together -- there appear to be big gaps in its body such that its head and arms are just floating above its torso. Heaven knows what green screen problems caused this to happen. He spots the alley and somehow magically sees a close-up of the girl being harassed in a little starburst/price sticker shape.



The punks' jaws drop as the robot comes bouncing out of some dry ice fog. The robot fights the punks, grabbing the tall one's fist in his lobster-claw-looking hands, then doing an Undertaker-esque choke slam on the one with the eye makeup and lifting him staight out of his boots (during this shot, we also get to see that the robot appears to be wearing um, men's dress shoes).

This all proves too much for the girl, who faints, leading to some shots of Y&T and their fans all looking especially excited. The robot grabs the girl up in his claw hands and carries her out of the alley. (Ooh, you know it's a bad part of town when someone has spraypainted "Rock" on the side of a building.)

Now for the best part of the video: She wakes up, sees the robot, and gets way more scared than when she was just being abandoned by her date and beaten up by the punks. I mean, it's a giant effing robot with metal teeth and claw hands, and she probably doesn't know what the "Y&T" on its chest means! She punches the robot in the chest until he puts her down, and then she runs away to -- around the corner. Yes, she runs like ten feet and then stops, as if the robot isn't about to turn the same corner too. And now the best part of the best part: THE ROBOT CRIES A SINGLE TEAR. We get a pretty ambiguous reaction shot of the girl, still leaning against the wall, but that robot tear is just the piece de resistance of the Y&T video oeuvre, if you'll allow my overuse of French pour une minute.

Next thing we know, we see the Walkman lying on the bed, totally unexploded, and the nerd sitting up in bed, exclaiming "whoa!" and touching his head and body. "Aw shucks, fell asleep listenin' to Y&T again!" But then, he realizes something -- the left lens on his glasses is broken! Sacre bleu, how could this be? It couldn't just be that he, I don't know, was taking a damn nap with glasses on. But then he pulls down part of his sheets, and finds what appears to be either the robot's shiny Y&T breastplate, or a really, really large Y&T guitar pick.



He smirks at it knowingly, but what the hell that proves, I have no idea. "Yeah, I did save the girl, but she hated that scary robot and had no idea it was me." How is that good news?! Come Monday morning, she's going to be back to hanging off STUD BOY, and he's going to be slamming himself into his locker.

But I guess, as the song implies, he will "keep on runnin'" in spite of the fact that the girl is now terrified of him instead of just ignoring/dissing him. That's what it's all about, right? Persistence in the face of setbacks.

And besides, he has reason to believe she'll come around. I mean, if there's one thing we've learned from 80s movies, it's that hot women love nerds. And if there's one thing we've learned from the 80s movie Heavy Metal, it's that if there's one thing hot women love more than nerds, it's robots.

Trust me -- this video is so bad, it makes me forget that "Don't Stop Runnin'" is actually a pretty decent song. Confusingly though, it's being told to a person who "wants another chance" with the song's ostensible narrator, which is weird. The lyrics fit most with the video if you construe them as being from the point of view of the girl, Susie, even though she does not seem to in any way want the nerd to "keep on runnin'" to try to "get next to" her, let alone "feel the ecstasy." So maybe between this and the robot tear, this video wasn't quite as inspirational as I thought. But it was fun, wasn't it?

Poison, "Talk Dirty to Me"

My Theory of Metal Bands' Hair Colors

THE VIDEO Poison, "Talk Dirty to Me," Look What the Cat Dragged In, 1986, EMI

Click here to watch the video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "'Cause baby we'll be! / at the dri-ive in / in the old man's Ford / behind them buu-shes / till I'm screamin' for more / down the ba-ase-ment / lock! the! cellar door / and baay-aaay-by / talk dirty to me!"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION The phone rings in a suburban home, where an older couple -- CC DEVILLE'S PARENTS!!! -- are watching the video for "Cry Tough" on one of those old TVs that are sort of like built into a wooden cabinet. The woman answers the phone, then yells "Cindy, it's for you!" She turns to her pipe-smoking husband and says, "That Bret sounds like such a nice boy." And of course, she totally sounds just like CC. Or rather I suppose, CC sounds like her.

Cut to Bret Michaels, wearing shades and red leather gloves, leaning against speakers and swinging a phone by its cord. A female voice (heard as if over the phone) intones, "Oh Bret, I can't wait to get my hands all over you." Bret catches the phone in his hand, smiles, and says, "Hit it, C.C.!" thus setting the stage for another three minutes of gleeful debauchery done Poison style.



As C.C. DeVille indeed "hits it," we follow the camera through a hallway lined with guitars before quickly finding ourselves beside Bret and Rikki Rockett, who are exuberantly high-fiving over Rikki's drum kit. C.C., Bret, and Bobby Dall, all kick their legs in sync with the drum beats, then we see Rikki pounding away. Bret jumps off the drum riser onto a stage covered with dry ice fog as C.C. and Bobby run forward. Bobby then leaps off a much higher riser over Bret, and C.C. tosses a guitar over his shoulder, smiling afterward in a very Bobcat Goldthwait-esque manner. How does this all happen so fast? Because, like nearly all Poison videos, "Talk Dirty to Me" is non-stop fast edits (the kind MTV used to be famous for, remember?).

Bobby slides down a long pink tongue coming out of a hot pink lipstick-print mouth, and Rikki drums standing up (all of his drums are painted with his name, weird faces, etc., in red, black, and white). Bret is on his knees as he begins singing, ogling the legs of two women who walk by in stilettos (all we see are their glorious gams). Then Bret's wearing a red and black captain's hat (a la David Lee Roth). Bobby bops around and Rikki continues to drum while standing, though now his drums are each momentarily being held aloft by blondes. Bret dances around with his mic stand, then rolls around on the floor for the camera.



Rikki's wearing a purple pleather biker jacket, and Bobby's guitar is acid green (Poison's signature hue, lest we forget), as is Bret's mic. Bret tosses a pirate flag to Rikki, who catches it. Rikki is then shown making a kissy-face at the camera while drumming, a moment later to be immortalized in every stupid VH1 montage where the narrator is saying something about "the excess of an era that would soon come crashing to an end."

Bobby, C.C., and Bret frolic around and do synchronized leaping somersaults while more fog pours onto the stage. C.C. spins in circles constantly, and at one point Bret appears to be riding around on Bobby's bass, which is kind of just weird. They link arms and spin around each other (a little like square dancing), then there's the obligatory everyone-bending-over-at-once shot.

C.C. spins with all his might, and Bret tries to hop on top of him, and even I have trouble keeping up as we tumble into the chorus. Have I mentioned yet that the stage's only decorations are the group's logo writ large behind Rikki and then a bunch of big... I think of them as speaker cabinets, but I don't know what they are... big boxes with pop art style images of the band members and the words "Talk Dirty to Me" and "Look What the Cat Dragged In" written on them. I would pay pretty much anything to have one of those (especially a Bobby Dall one) but they are probably, you know, pretty much priceless.

Anyway, other than that it's just colored lights. Everyone sings along, and at the end of the chorus we see C.C. holding a mic and then Bret running over pretending to play guitar. Bret and Rikki put their heads together and exclaim "Talk dirty to me!", then Bret's hopping around onstage again. Bret mimes a telephone with his hand while he sings, "I call you on the telephone," and all band members twitch rhythmically. Bret does a hip-shimmying sideways dance, then rolls on the floor, while Bobby spins his head as quickly as physically possible.

For the second chorus, the band members keep trying to outdo one another with making crazy faces at the camera. Bret finally sort of wins it by pretending to make a sexy face, then pretending to make an obscene gesture, then really making an obscene gesture. He should be proud. Bobby then gets to say, "Talk dirty to me," and Rikki, wearing a police hat, salutes. Bret waggles his tongue obscenely for the umpteenth time, then yells, "C.C., pick up that guitar and ah, drop the beat-ah!"



C.C.'s dropping of said beat involves much throwing of guitars, many leaping kicks, and much pinwheeling around on the floor. In the meantime, Bret and Bobby do a synchronized kicking dance across the stage. Bret then jumps onto the drum riser, smacks a cymbal with his hand, then high-fives Bobby.

Poison kind of fall apart as they reprise the chorus. Bret tries to knock over C.C. and Bobby, and their kicks and jumps are no longer quite in unison. Rikki falls backward off of the drum riser. Everyone sings along, leans on each other, and spends some time crawling around on the ground.

Each band member mugs for the camera one last time, then as Bret goes, "woooooh!" we see the video's crew et al. rush the stage as confetti begins to stream down from the ceiling. Two guys pick up Bret, and streamers fall everywhere as mayhem (or at least, silliness) ensues. Rikki sprays the camera's lens liberally with silly string, then the band jump off the drum riser as a shower of sparks fall to close out the video.

THE VERDICT Poison are, indeed the clown princes of heavy metal. (Then again, possibly it's Enuff Z'nuff). They always look like they're having so much fun, and by all indications, they were. I mean, just look at them in the greatest movie ever made, The Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years! They are just the nicest, funniest guys you could ever hope to meet.

And yes, there was a darker side to all this: C.C.'s lengthy stint in rehab, Bobby's contrite "we probably saw a lot of things that people actually shouldn't see," my inability to contribute much at all to the Poison lore via this blog (I am so damn unmotivated lately!).

But on the whole, Poison are a fun band. You can't take them too seriously. I remember when I was in sixth grade I was in this after-school art club that was pitifully pathetic, like six girls, our skanky, disinterested junior high art teacher (she was always wearing stonewashed denim overalls over crop tops and listening to the radio), and then two guys who basically look like the fat kid at the beginning of Twisted Sister's "I Wanna Rock." The two guys were basically there to better learn how to deface textbooks, so far as I could tell. When she couldn't muster up a semi-legit assignment ("draw portraits of each other"), she would give us crap like, "make a big drawing of the letters of your name, then fill in the letters with stuff that reflects your interests." I bet I have one of those stupid things from every year of grade school, so I wasn't like, really enthused about doodling horses and rainbows and crap in letters once again. I probably wouldn't even remember this incident at all, except that the two guys skipped out on the name project and decided to collaborate on creating an enormous, elaborate rendition of the Poison logo. This, for me, was the millionth affirmation that Poison were not a "serious" band.

That doesn't mean I didn't think they were a good band. It just means I didn't think they were very serious about umm... metal, I guess. They were all about frothy lyrics and having a good time, unlike more serious bands (as perceived by me) such as Iron Maiden (hell-o, they had a scary corpse-thing on all their album covers -- yeah, I was scared of Eddie, whatever) and W.A.S.P. (I remember the first time I read that their latest album would be called "The Headless Children" I was like whoa! Well, shit.). But the easiest way to gauge how "seriously" a band rocked was via this theory I developed (Remember, this was at a tender age... I think the first time I thought this whole thing out I was like seven, and no, this reflects in no way my parents' permissiveness but rather my desperate thirst to get out there and find more information about one of the many areas of popular culture they deemed worthless).

Anyway, here's the theory: The more brunettes you have in your band, the more serious you are about rock. So for example, Poison had three blondes and a brunette (also with the brunette in a weaker position within the band, as the bassist - a band with the same ratio but a brunette lead singer would have a slight edge). Whereas Motley Crue, who of course dabbled in satanism etc., had three brunettes and a blonde. This versus say, Def Leppard -- at that juncture, four blondes and one I guess brunette (Rick Allen, whose hair isn't really that dark, but still is technically not blonde). DL were one of my favorite bands back then, but even at that point it was pretty clear to me that a lot of falsetto harmonizing was, you know, pretty accessible to most people. Some bands were kind of on the fence -- Ratt kept going from four brunettes and one blonde to three brunettes and two blondes, depending on Bobby Blotzer's hair -- so yes, there is some ambiguity in the system. But it's still holding up for me, almost (jeez) 20 years later. Yikes.

Ratt, "Lay It Down"

Eek A Clown!!!

THE VIDEO Ratt, "Lay It Down," Invasion of Your Privacy, 1985, Atlantic

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "You know you really want to lay it down / right now! (and how!) / I know you really want to lay it down / right now! / laaaay it down / lay-it-down / laaaay it dowwwn / lay-it-down"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION The video opens with a scary, scary clown entertaining kindergarten-age children at a birthday party. He's making a balloon animal as the camera pans toward him. We can hear lots of caterwauling, a kid yelling, and kids blowing those annoying-ass noisemakers in the background.

The clown is focusing his attention on a creepy little boy (think a female Wednesday Addams) wearing a little gray suit with a bowtie. The clown himself is clad mostly in white, with almost entirely white makeup and a giant white ruffle around his neck (with similar ones at his wrists). The rest of his outfit is red and white striped, but it's barely visible. He's wearing a tiny, glittery red top hat perched on his head that says "Chucko" on it.

Anyway. The camera comes in toward the clown, then out, and we see that the children are all seated at a large dining table covered with a white paper tablecloth. The room they're in is pretty spartan. The walls are painted gray, and there's a white sparkly tinsel banner (like they hang outside at car dealerships) hanging in one corner. A little boy in a paper hat throws a handful of confetti, then the camera comes back up to the creepy little boy at the head of the table. We can see the clown moving around behind him, then the camera focuses in on a pale, slightly less creepy little girl. She has long blonde hair held back with a headband, and she's wearing a frilly white dress.

The scary boy smiles at her eagerly, and we see another little girl blowing into a noisemaker. The clown leans down beside the boy and says, "Okay now Stephen, blow out the candles." The little boy sucks in air to blow them out, but then the little girl says, "Wait, Stephen don't forget to make a wish." The clown and boy look at each other, then the clown nods and the boy lays a finger across his lips in thought. His eyes roll back into his head and he looks like a very small Eddie Munster.



The boy nods and then leans forward to blow out the candles. The clown also leans forward, and the top of his hat begins to spin rapidly at the same time as we start to hear some guitar. We hear a whoosh noise, then we finally get to see what little Stephen wished for. It's Warren DeMartini! Seriously, he read my mind, because that is what I am wishing for for my next birthday. At the same time though, you have to think it would have been cooler if Warren had crashed through the ceiling onto their table, like in "Round and Round." Instead, he's just kind of in some weird, misty backlit place.

Um, apparently he also wished for Robbin Crosby, Bobby Blotzer, and Juan Croucier, too (sorry, they're not on my list). They're all playing in a misty, weird place full of blue and white lights, and also black backdrops that look like they got stolen from a high school's modern dance studio. Robbin swings his arm around and pouts er, points at the camera, and Stephen Pearcy starts singing.

As he points and sings, "I know you don't really know me," a blonde with heavily frosted hair (and heavily frosted lips) turns to look at him. He takes a step toward her and, duh!, she's totally wearing the older, sluttier version of the little girl's dress (it's also white and frilly, but it's off the shoulder, belted, and features a fairly high asymmetrical hem). Our man Steve, meanwhile, is dressed quite a bit like a pirate (even for him). He has a black scarf tied around his head, a pouffy, spangly, open white shirt, black uh...what I can only describe as either pantaloons or knee-length britches, and then white stockings and white boots. And of course he's wearing that most important pirate accessory, tons of eyeliner (she's packing heat in that department as well).

The rest of the band rocks out as Steven pursues her through this forest of black tubes. Robbin points a lot, Bobby dramatically swings his arms, and Juan and Warren lean into each other and sing. I must say in this video Warren looks a bit like both Patti Smith (hair) and Keith Richards (ability to see all his teeth through his cheek). Still hot though.



As the second verse begins, we see the little boy at his birthday party with his eyes closed, and he's either just rocking out or miming drumming (tough call). Meanwhile, swashbuckling Stephen Pearcy is following the girl around the tube forest. She's kind of standoffish, looking away from him and leaning on poles, while he dances around and repeatedly exposes his chest, telling her he knows she really wants to "lay it down." He does a really lame kick, and she walks away, showing off her stiletto-heeled white boots.

She finally shows mild interest during the second chorus, as Stephen jerks his fist toward his body a bunch and the rest of the band sings along. Stephen creeps up behind her and whispers in her ear, "I know you only want romance." (This according to numerous sketchy lyrics websites -- to me it sounds like, "I've known you only one time, will you marry this?" Which I know, yes, makes no sense, but listen to the song, it definitely does not sound like "I know you only want romance"). She seems skeptical anyway. Then, in a truly inappropriate turn of events, we see Little Stephen whispering in the little girl's ear (she has her mouth open in shock). He says, "I'll give you all that I can."(I'm not disputing that one). It's gross, it's creepy, it reminds me of that stupid Titanic joke in the middle of "Oops! I Did It Again." It makes me reference horrible, awful things. Clearly, a low point.

Luckily, we're out of the woods fast, and back to rockin'. The girl with adult Stephen does indeed look like she's going to "give [him] just one chance" to "prove [him]self in loooooove." Warren busts into the solo, playing a cool guitar with a polka dot snakeskin motif. I will admit though, the guitar looks like it weighs more than he does.

Stephen dances and spins while the girl watches him, and Little Stephen continues drumming with his eyes closed while the little girl watches him. Robbin, Juan, and Warren all sing at once, which is kind of cute -- they look kind of like a girl group. Stephen swings his hair (and a long earring) dramatically to turn toward the girl, and she turns toward him and makes a meanish face. We hear a whooshing sound as they step toward each other and clasp hands (palms up, sort of Rocky Horror elbow sex style), lit from beneath.

Their image fades away until we see the clasped hands (just holding hands the old-fashioned way) of the little boy and girl. The clown is leaning over them, and the little girl says, "Stephen, what did you wish for?" The boy looks at the camera and does Stephen Pearcy's patented lick-thumb-and-point manoeuvre.



THE VERDICT Translation: I wished that in the future, you'd lose interest in me, and I'd have to win you back by dressing like a pirate and begging you to "Lay It Down." Um, what? This definitely isn't my favorite Ratt video, and I'm not just saying that because I hate children. After such intricately plotted masterworks like "Wanted Man" and "Back for More," this video is a letdown. Most of the video is just the band playing on a crappy set (okay, make that an especially crappy set), and then the whole plot about a 5-year-old fantasizing about whatever is just really unseemly.

Or is that really the plot? The more I think about it, the more I wonder: Is this video a flash-forward for the creepy little boy, or a flashback for Stephen Pearcy? It's unclear when the children's birthday party takes place -- it could be the 80s, but the children are dressed in such a weird way (and also the clown is so self-consciously retro) that it could just as easily be the 60s. At the same time though, the whole point seems to be that the little boy is fantasizing the whole thing, even though the performance part is the "real" action (i.e. clearly taking place in the 80s, albeit in a forest of weird tubes and colored lights). So possibly it is Stephen Pearcy having a flashback from the future about a time he wished and saw into the future. Whoa. I'm blowing my own mind.

Maybe it's just indicative of the weird relationship Ratt is depicted as having toward women in all of their videos. In spite of having lyrics that are almost 100% about women, the videos tend not to imply that Ratt actually get women. I mean, "Way Cool Jr." is just a weird p.o.v. camera thing, the women screw them over in "Back for More," and even in "I Want a Woman" we never actually see anyone from Ratt share screentime with an actual woman (though a) would they really want to anyway? and b) this video does also include the frequently used [in Ratt videos] conceit of having a woman watching or monitoring them). The only exception I can think of is "Slip of the Lip," where Stephen gets to make out with the spy lady who's trying to find out what this whole Dancing Undercover thing is all about.

Maybe they think it's one of those devices like they use with boy bands, where they'll have like, the wrong number of women on screen so they don't seem like they're paired off with the band members, thus making the band members seem more available as foci for relationship fantasy. I don't know though. To my mind, it's more effective to show them with women, so you can be like, "Yo, I'm gonna take her down. Get off my man!! Step away from Warren DeMartini!"

David Lee Roth, "Yankee Rose"

Gimme a Bottle of Anything, and a Glazed Doughnut

THE VIDEO David Lee Roth, "Yankee Rose," Eat 'Em and Smile, 1986, Warner Brothers

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Show me those / (bright lights!) / and those / (city lights!) / all right! / I'm talkin' bout a Yankee Rose"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION And so the adventure begins! Okay, just kidding. But seriously, that's what it says when this video begins, and Diamond Dave indulges his penchant for theatre... of the bizarre. Following this text screen, the video begins with a shot of the entryway to a... well, I always think of it as a bodega, but I guess it's run by an Arab dude. Anyway. The walls are decorated with a painting of those sort of onion-top looking towers (I promise, this will get better). Otherwise, it's pretty much full of, you know, small grocery stuff. In the 80s there was a small grocery in the West 70s that totally looked just like this (I remember freaking out thinking that it was this grocery, but it's probably just a set in L.A. somewhere). Anyway. I'm not off to a strong start.

Pseudo-arabic sounding music plays as the door swings open. The first people to enter are a couple. The woman is wearing a wedding gown and is extremely pregnant, giving her the appearance of an obscene, lace encrusted parade float. The man has the build of Captain Lou Albano and is wearing a stained wifebeater, suspenders, and some sort of pants. She has long hair and frightening makeup, and she tosses her veil and bouquet around a bunch. He's balding but has shoulder-length hair and a heavy beard.

He picks up a basket as she begins throwing candy bars into it and berating him in heavily accented (Spanish, I think) English: "I cahn't beleeve eet okay, my cchhhhoneymoon night okay! I weeell probably only have tree or four more of dees in my whole entire lifetime! And chu, chu check me into dat dump your brothhhherr calls a motail!" He finally intervenes: "But Consuela, I gave him two dollars extra for the fantasy suite!" She mocks him: "Tooo bad hhhoney, tooo bad! Becos I veeell not sleep there so tonight you veell have to fantasize that you have a wife, okay?" And she pats him roughly on his paunch. He trails after her past the counter saying, "But Consuela, mi amor..." and we finally see the store's proprietor.

He's very skinny, with a greasy sort of pompadour thing, and he's smoking a cigarette and standing but resting one leg on the counter. He has on a dirty brown shirt knotted at the waist (the better for us to see the wifebeater and large gold medallion beneath) and gray pants. He leans forward, leering, and says, "Can I help you?" as another customer approaches.

This time it's a black woman wearing an outfit (shorts and some kind of bustier) made entirely of red, yellow, purple, and pink fake flowers. She also has on multiple neon wristbands, bright sunglasses with funky 80s frames, large green earrings, and bright makeup. Her hair is the ever popular teased on top and rat-tail in back, and she's swinging a straw bag as she approaches the counter, snapping gum and carrying with both hands a huge amount of the dark green Tic Tacs which she unceremoniously drops on the counter.

The clerk looks at her and says, "Oh! Breath meent!" opening a box and shoving several into his mouth. He leans toward her and says, "Our leeps, they are so close," while wiggling his eyebrows. She makes a horrified face and whips off her sunglasses, exclaiming. "Ewwwwwww-eeeee! Not if you was the last immigrant grocer on earth, honey" and puts her glasses back on and strides out of the store.



The grocer says something like "son of a biscuit, my ancestors spit on your haircut" and spits on the ground to his right. We then see the store from his point of view, and coming down the aisle toward him an immense woman screams in a Sam Kinison-like voice, causing him to become very alert: "Can you help me? My doctor says I have to take a laxative!" while swinging and knocking boxes off of the shelves. She's wearing green sunglasses, a silvery brocade housedress with a matching hat covered in bows, and some kind of furry shrug. She slides on the boxes she knocked down while she comes toward him.

He yells, "Not een my store you don't!" but just as quickly he is distracted by the arrival of a man with a teased, salt-and-pepper mullet wearing sunglasses, a plaid, pastel-colored jacket, khakis, and a pink shirt. Why is this man so distracting? Because on one hand he has an especially pneumatic blonde in a purple and pink bikini and on the other an equally absurd specimen wearing a white bikini bottom with an extremely highly cropped t-shirt on top. They've both got on headphones, sunglasses, and white heels.

The girls kind of bop along beside him as the man tells the clerk, who's making googly eyes at them, "Ooooh my friend, I always hang out with two of 'em 'cause it's better for conversation. See if there winds up bein' any, I don't have to be involved! Fuhgedaboutit." As he exits, he comments, "it's humid in here tonight, isn't it girls?" while adjusting his pants. On a side note, this man is Dave's real life business partner at the time, the other half of the Picasso Brothers.

The clerk stares adoringly after them resting his chin in his hand, when suddenly a spear comes down beside him. Uhoh! It's Dave, dressed in the makeup from the Eat 'Em and Smile album cover. He announces, "Give me a bottle of anything. (pause, look around) And a glazed doughnut. To GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO." (Sorry, trying to type the "to go" as echoing).

Now, this particular part, I must say I try to reference all the time and no one, but no one, gets it. I've never seen this video shown without this completely irrelevant prologue so... I guess everyone else just hasn't seen this video. But Beavis and Butthead watch it! Sigh... I just don't know.

Anyway, ninety-jillion words later, the video begins in earnest. But ohhh, lest we forget: this song actually opens with still more dialogue, as Dave talks to Steve Vai's guitar. It basically sounds like he's talking to Scooby Doo, only kind of digital sounding. Dave does a spread-eagle leap from the drum risers, and Steve's guitar says (loosely translated), "Ri Rave."



Dave says, "What?" as he strides across the stage in medallion-festooned chaps, an assless metallic leotard, and a purple spandex off-the-shoulder top. Steve's guitar says uhhh...something unintelligible (no, it's not "roar rooby racks"). But Dave leans toward the camera and says, "Wellll let me roll up to the sidewalk and take a look...Whoa! [Steve: "Ro!"] She is beautiful! [Steve: (wolf-whistle)] Ah'mmmmm talkin' about a Yankee Rose!" etc, etc, as the song finally begins.

During all of this, Dave has changed his spandex ensemble three times, first pairing the metallic leotard thing (which I can't figure out-it has a thong aspect to it, and it covers him entirely in front, but thong aside it's utterly backless) with yellow and black striped spandex, then pairing a different leotard thing with red and black pants. During this we do see Steve Vai, Billy Sheehan, and Gregg Bissonette (who's drumming standing up while wearing what look like post-op shades), but their outfits don't change.

The only other notable outfit in this vid is Steve Vai's. He's pairing white boots, magenta sequined pants, and a painted jacket worn with no shirt beneath, and his entire stage presence seems to be based around convincing the audience that at any moment he might go down on... his guitar. He's such a weirdo, I find. Anyway.

Steve makes the guitar "laugh" as Dave finds a novel use for a large, inflatable microphone (just try to guess what he does with it). Dave does a final flying kick and then starts dancing like crazy as he sings. He's wearing eyeliner in this video, which I hate on him, and his hair is a bit shorter than in the Van Halen days and has heavy bangs. Yes, I hate to say it, but this video is definitely the beginning of the Decline of Dave. It is a slippery slope from here to "Just Like Paradise."

Did I mention he's wearing little white gloves with this whole ensemble? He turns and shakes his black and yellow spandex-clad ass (bisected by the thong on that damn leotard) for the camera, creating a shot for VH1 to put in all of the montages they play right before the voiceover starts talking about how everything was about to end and "Smells Like Teen Spirit" was about to come out. If that doesn't put it in perspective for you, I don't know what will.

Anyway. Most of this video is performance, and though some shots show there being a crowd there, they don't try to convince us this is a real concert, and most of the time they definitely seem like they're just dancing around on a set with tons of colorful lights on it (a la Poison). However, unlike Poison, they don't seem effortlessly happy doing so. One gets the impression certain people were kind of, you know, waiting for the check to clear on this one. Dave goes through more costume changes than even I can keep track of, though they all consist of layering spandex in different ways (pants, leotard-thong-things, and off-the-shoulder crop tops) and include some or all of the following colors: turquoise, purple, yellow, black, pink, and more turquoise.



With the second verse, they start adding crowd noise into the song, which is kind of weird. Dave can't stop running, dancing, and kicking, nor can Steve or Billy stop swinging their guitars around and catching them (maybe they were trying to challenge Eric Brittingham for the world record?). The best moment of the video comes before the bridge, when Dave slides up the microphone all sexy and if I squint I can pretend he is not wearing all of that spandex and he's still in Van Halen and everything's still good in the world.

But no. During the bridge itself, everyone hams it up to the extreme. Gregg tosses his sticks in the air and (surprise) catches them again, Billy gets intimate with his bass while Dave lies down on the stage, and Steve Vai holds his guitar in one outstretched arm, staring at it like he's about to ...ugh, I don't even want to think about it. This only intensifies as we head into the solo. Anyone who doesn't get the whole guitar prowess as symbolic phallus thing has never seen Steve Vai play. As he reaches his frantic zenith, he repeatedly shoves the guitar between his spread legs. You know, when the video started I kind of wished I had those pants, but now I'm glad I don't. Anyway, shortly after, Dave wraps it up by kicking a large balloon, which bursts to reveal... lots of other balloons. Okay. As we fade out, Steve's still thrusting that guitar. Sigh.

THE VERDICT While, unfortunately for me, I said most of what I was going to say in my excessively detailed description, so yes, this will probably be mostly rehash. Let me say that I do indeed love this song. It's no "Runnin' with the Devil" or "Jamie's Crying" or even "Hot for Teacher," but it's still rather excellent. If one only heard the song, one's prognosis for Mr. Roth's career would have been rather excellent as well.

However, seeing the video, and the fact that a man who played such a crucial role in my psychosexual development (not only is he one of the hottest men ever, he's also my personal celebrity - we share the same birthday!!!) and who was at this point still in the prime of his life is already wearing makeup (and not in a Mötley Crüe pseudo-kabuki way) and falling victim to the whims of a demented stylist (who may be him himself) is just... well, it's a bit depressing. Especially when you consider that circa the same time, Van Hagar were putting out songs like "When It's Love" and "Dreams," both of which are great enough songs to penetrate my deep, deep loathing for Sammy Hagar.

I just feel bad for him! He's David Lee Roth, for pete's sake. He is the most endearing man ever. If you've never had the pleasure of reading Crazy from the Heat (his autobiography), I strongly suggest you pick it up. If you're looking for stories of out-and-out debauchery, it's no The Dirt, but if you just want insight into what DLR was thinking when he made decisions like this, what the constant kicking is all about, and, of course, what a tool Eddie Van Halen is (utterly destroying the little part of you that acknowledged both his hotness and his talent) this is the book for you. Geez, I'm sorry. This is reading like one of those especially strained Paula Abdul, "You took a risk. I'm really proud of you," assessments. And now, ashamed that I made an American Idol reference, I must quietly scurry out the door.