Dokken, "The Hunter"

Happy Birthday to Me!  

THE VIDEO Dokken, "The Hunter," Under Lock and Key, 1985, Elektra 

  

SAMPLE LYRIC "I'm a hunterrrrrr / searchin' for love / on these lonely streets / uh-gaaaaaaaaaaaiiiin"

  

THE VERDICT Well, this is the closest Thursday to my birthday this year, so I'm giving myself — finally — this long-delayed video, for what may well be my all-time favorite metal song. Yeah, I said it. I'm not 100% sure, but I'm close. And regardless, as we'll see in a minute, it contains my favorite moment in the history of heavy metal videos. 

 

Why did I take so long to get around to "The Hunter"? Well one, I was saving it for a special occasion. 

But two, when I first started this blog, I did sooo much Dokken. It was kind of a Dokken overdose. I can't help it, I love them. But in any event, my overindulgence circa 2004-5 meant that once I got more serious about blogging, I had to really mete out my servings of Dokken, making them fewer and further between so that I could get to other bands (and I know, I still have plenty I haven't even gotten to yet!). 

But when it came to this year's birthday post, I decided it was time. This video is one of my favorites. It's just unbelievably stylish, with all the detail shots of their clothes and of the guys hanging out. 

It is the best use of the Kim Anderson effect of any metal video I would say — and yes, faithful readers will remember that by "Kim Anderson effect" I mean not the rock video girl from "Girlschool" but the whole taking-a-black-and-white-image-and-just-coloring-in-some-parts-of-it thing like in the other Kim Anderson's cheesy photos. 

It's in a zillion videos, but "The Hunter" is like a master class in it, especially when they do the little sort of stop-motion sequences of photos like the meet the band sequence at the beginning.

 

Though most of the video is the stop-motion-y Kim Anderson effect stuff, which is basically the band playing in some kind of rehearsal space, the rest of "The Hunter" involves giving each member of Dokken his own plot. This is always a good video strategy for bands whose members don't get along, as they don't have to spend too much time on set together. 

The "plot" parts of the video are filmed in color, so they're visually very separate from the other stuff. Oh right, except for Mick's, which for some reason is in grainy black and white. He always gets the short end of the stick in Dokken videos. 

  

George Lynch and Don Dokken get pretty similar plots, which is fitting — they're always on the same wavelength I feel like, just not with each other. But we follow George as he drives a red sportscar (I want to say a Ferrari) around a city at night (probably L.A.), and Don as he rides a motorcycle in the city during the day and then in the desert. 

I know this is mean, but seriously, Don should not have picked a plot that was going to blow his hair around so much. It's like when Shawn Michaels wrestles and his ponytail gets out of whack and suddenly you realize he's actually pretty bald. 

I should just get this out of my system now — oh my dear lord does George Lynch look hotttttt in this video. I can't even deal. Pre-body building, pre-tattoos, long hair... I am swooning right now. He has that like perfect lanky build, and he's rocking the loose tank top and leather pants look to the hilt. When he does things like lie down on his side and prop his head up on one elbow, seriously guys, it's almost too much. 

 

Don on the other hand... well, we all know as a Lynch partisan, I'm not very interested in Don. He has stubble in this video, which is a bit of a departure for him since he usually looks very cleaned up (and besides, if you had time to put on eyeliner, you had time to shave). I will give him props though on the loose, Miami Vice-style blazer during the performance scenes. That's a good look. 

Mick Brown has the sort of least-involved plot — it's basically just him hanging out at a dive bar. Though I know George and Don are driving around "on the lonely streets, uh-gaaaaaiiinnnn," I feel like Mick is the one who seems the most like he's "searchin' for love." I don't know if he'll find it in places like this, but hopefully whatever he does find is treatable. 

Also, following Mick shows us that we are indeed in LA — most of the signs for bars and stuff are hard to read, but at one point a bus rolls by with a KBIG FM 104 ad on its side. If that weren't enough evidence, he strolls down the Hollywood Walk of Fame, too. 

Jeff Pilson has the most involved plot by far. It also comes the closest to involving hunting of any sort. Jeff is for some reason caged, then released into the woods to be chased by a large crowd of burly, bearded, flannel-shirt wearing men with torches and baseball bats. And dogs. And dogs. Mmmmmm-kayyyyy. Jeff actually has to get his leather pants dirty, running through a stream and stuff to try to evade them.

 

But here's where this gets even weirder (and more topical) — in one shot, we see that the little wooden crate they have him locked in has "PMRC" written on it. Unabbreviated, that's the Parents Music Resource Center. 

Doesn't this mean he should've been being chased through the woods by like, a bunch of senators and Tipper Gore, rather than a bunch of lumberjacks? One would think so. It's an odd touch, and the one time where Dokken try to make any kind of political point or express any type of stance on topics other than like, relationships, in any of their videos. 

Almost every part of this video is just gorgeous. They actually get pretty creative with a lot of the shots, really doing a nice job of framing the band in visually appealing ways (and no, I don't just mean by showing plenty of George!). 

In fact, this video doesn't actually show that much George. During the solo, instead of a photo montage of him, we see a photo montage of his guitars. And his plot sequence is mostly just the top of his head from the back. 

But let us not forget — dant-da-da-da! — my all-time favorite moment in the history of heavy metal videos. It's such a little thing, but yep, its about a minute and a half in, when Don sings "but then it comes to me!", George hits a big guitar note, and Jeff Pilson does this totally badass rockstar jump. 

One minute he's just playing, the next minute he leaps in place, before you know it, he's landed. It's so small, but it's so visually striking, and punctuates that point in the song perfectly. Bravo, Jeff. That's the perfect gift for me.

 

Suicidal Tendencies, "Institutionalized"

I'M NOT CRAZY  

THE VIDEO Suicidal Tendencies, "Institutionalized," Suicidal Tendencies, 1983, Frontier 

SAMPLE LYRIC "I'm not crazy! / [Institutionalized!] / You're the one that's crazy! / [Institutionalized!] / You're driving me crazy! / [Institutionalized!]" 

THE VERDICT Suicidal Tendencies is one of those bands I was really on the fence about, not about whether they're a quality band (they are) but are they technically metal. In the end, I decided they're metal enough because a) there was a Headbangers Ball episode where Riki Rachtman had a barbecue with them (and if I remember correctly, inexplicably a pre-fame Mark McGrath was there — God bless the person who put this on Youtube, btw); b) they play the heck out of this video on Metal Mania; and c) Rob Trujillo is in Metallica now (even if he wasn't in ST yet when they did this one). Actually with their short hair and love of money, how metal Metallica are is something else we could debate. But we'll save it for later. 

I hadn't listened to this song in a while, and then it happened to come up while I was just shuffling all my music, and damn if it didn't fit with how I'm feeling right about now. I'm getting married in less than a month, and if you've never done it, I wouldn't advise it. Dude, it is a freakin' nightmare. Think the wedding is about you and your intended? It's not. It's about everyone else and their BS demands. And then there's school, which is a whole other thing, but a bit of the same story lately. All I do is play everybody's reindeer games, and still somehow I'm the one with the problem.

 

So something about Mike Muir and all the sort of "I've done everything you've ever asked me and yet you say I'm the one who's crazy" stuff in this song really resonated with me. I actually used to listen to this song a lot when I lived in New York. I had a lot of issues with my job, and I had a whole playlist I would listen to in the subway on my way to work to like, prepare myself mentally for dealing with my workday. 

I don't remember all of it, but it definitely had "Institutionalized," "No More Mr. Nice Guy," and "Peace Sells (But Who's Buying)". (I know, based on the title that last one sounds random, but think about the verses — "What do you mean I can't get to work on time? / Got nothin' better to do" etc.) Anyway it worked for me. By the time I got to work I had musically sublimated my full-tilt pissed-off-ness. Okay I'm making myself sound crazy now (you're the one that's crazy!). 

Calm yourselves, I was just quoting this song. Suicidal Tendencies are just a really cool LA band. I want to say I love their look, but we need to be realistic, this isn't a look for them, this is how they're dressing. But to the extent this video got airplay, I feel like this is probably the first exposure the rest of the country got to the Venice/LA-version of cholo style. I mean this video's got it all, from the bandannas to the plaid shirts to the skateboarders — you can watch it and see where all the junk you see for sale at PacSun and those kinds of stores got ripped off from. 

I mean seriously people. It's 1983. This is probably the earliest video there is that features a lowrider. We're almost ten years before "Nuthin' But a G Thang" (1992, for the record). The only other thing from the same era I've seen with a similar look to this is the first (I know, for once not talking about Part II) Decline of Western Civilization movie. Which is, obvs, about LA punk circa this time period. 

 

I've actually been having a correspondence with one of this site's most regular readers (thanks for reading!) about songs that infantilize metal fans — e.g. songs that talk about "kids", prompted by my "Crazy Babies" post but also loosely encompassing "Rock N Roll Children," "I Wanna Rock," and a whole host of others. This one does fit in with that somewhat, as the narrative mainly covers altercations with one's parents. That said though, I have to give it a pass, 'cause it's just too good a song. I don't even drink soda, and yet I feel like I want my epitaph to be "All I wanted was a Pepsi!" 

Okay okay okay, but what happens in the video. Well, a couple different things. The video starts off with Mike pretty much just talking to the camera and walking around while the rest of the band plays, and kids do skateboard tricks in a sort of abandoned warehouse. (Admittedly, this one looks way more like an actual abandoned warehouse than most ones in music videos do.) Also of note: Slayer's Tom Araya is in the video for two seconds — he shoves Mike as he walks past him. 

For most people though, the most memorable sequences of the video are those that take place at Mike's "home." The rest of the band (at this point in history, Grant Estes, Louiche Mayorga, and Amery Smith) drops Mike off, and he heads inside to avoid his crazy parents, who at first are out on the lawn but soon come in to harass him (and begin converting his bedroom into a padded cell). 

His dad is played by Jack Nance (known best for being in all things David Lynch), though I think he looks a little like an older Brian Doyle Murray, aka Noah from Noah's Arcade. His mom is played by Mary Woronov, who fascinatingly was part of the whole Andy Warhol Factory scene.

 

That said, I don't feel this part that much. Any sequence with parents ripping posters off walls always stresses me out — dude I would like those posters please! Damn. 

In any event, after being completely subdued by his parents, somehow or another Mike is suddenly out of his straitjacket. The rest of the band ties their lowrider to the bars on his windows and yanks the wall straight off the house, allowing him to escape and finish playing the song in concert with them. 

The concert sequences are also straight outta Decline Part I, albeit with the addition of a teacher, a priest, and some kind of creepy army officer. You know, the usual for metal videos that are complaining about school. 

Okay, now that for one week at least I've done a legit post focusing on the video, it's time for the tangents. One, how can we forget that Suicidal Tendencies have a cameo doing this song on Miami Vice! I mean yes, not in the best episode ever (it's in "Free Verse"), but still. They would have fit in more in "Nobody Lives Forever," I think. 

In a similar-ish vein, let us not forget that this song is also in Repo Man. I know, it's punk, not metal, but you can not deny Repo Man. 

And of course, if you read this regularly, you can guess that I think Beavis and Butt-head's viewing of this clip is amazing. I love Beavis' constant agreement with Mike's narrative. Butt-head just yells "Shut up!", but Beavis goes right along, sometimes following the song and sometimes improvising -- "and I get all frustrated, and start kicking, and like burning things." 

I also enjoy that Butt-head then mimics the kind of therapy-speak parodied in the song — he tells Beavis, "I feel your pain." Butt-head finally gets Beavis to clam up by saying "About once a year they play something cool, and you have to talk through it." Then they both headbang through the end of the song. 

Now if I can somehow just headbang through the rest of the summer....

 

Ratt, "You Think You're Tough"

The Leftovers  

THE VIDEO Ratt, "You Think You're Tough," Ratt [EP], 1983, Atlantic 

SAMPLE LYRIC: "You think you're tough! / harder than stone / you think you're tough! / your talk's gettin' old" 

THE VERDICT: Pull out your microwave and get ready to do some reheating, 'cause this video is seriously the leftovers — bits and pieces of all the other things Ratt has done to date (the video's from 1985). Sure, the result is pretty yummy, but for the most part, this isn't stuff that's that new! 

The bits and pieces of this video are held together with a framing device of Stephen Pearcy driving around in a dark red Rolls Royce convertible with a TV in it. I love how cars with TVs in them always feel so 80s — the TV is like the televisual equivalent of a Zack Morris phone. Stephen seems to control the TV via a keypad next to it that looks like a calculator. He also has what appears to be just a regular phone that's been installed in a car. It doesn't actually look like a car phone, I mean the thing is white! 

Anyway, Stephen turns on his little TV to Warren DeMartini's solo from "Round and Round," where he falls through the ceiling onto the dining table. We actually hear the song play too, which I like. It's a common device in videos — Poison especially do it a lot on their first album. Sort of like, "Remember? We're the guys who did 'Round and Round.'" 

He then clicks to "Wanted Man." Then suddenly the TV goes to static, and in the first of many cameos, it's Ozzy! Screaming at the camera with a white rat on his shoulder. You know, of course.

 

The Ozzy bit transitions into some of the only footage that is 100% original to this video, of the guys playing around backstage. I looove this kind of stuff. Like as much as I know it's contrived, Stephen dancing around and squirting toothpaste in the air is almost just like, too much joy for me. 

We also get to go behind the scenes at a Ratt photo shoot. Warren... oh Warren. I want to be like "Smoking's bad kids" (and it is, I don't smoke, and I don't want you to think I do) but damn does he make it look good. 

We also get cameo #2 as Tommy Lee shows up and takes some pics with the boys. There's also on-stage stuff mixed in, but most of it is very generic footage — i.e., Ratt aren't necessarily doing this song. Lots of just like, rushing around, scarf swinging, and guitar jabbing. Stephen may not be fifty in this video, but he sure likes to stretch and kick. 

They also do this not-very-special special effect that I'm not even sure how to describe. It's as if they've taken the film, photocopied it, then painted it in with just a few bright colors in sort for sort of a poor man's Warhol. 

Stephen drives around LA, spotting a Marilyn Monroe look-alike outside Grauman's Chinese Theatre. Okay, well, I use the term "lookalike" loosely here. He sees a blonde in a white dress, how 'bout that. She blows him a kiss and waves, and he does his patented Stephen Pearcy finger-point-plus-duck-face move. In case we don't get it, there's also a clip of Marilyn Monroe's hand and heel-prints in the cement outside. 

 

Ahh!! Now Warren (wearing the world's ugliest yellow windbreaker) is calling Stephen on his car phone!! And somehow, even though Warren is calling from a payphone, his image appears on Stephen's car TV. It's like the world's crappiest Skype session, minus computer technology. In other news, Stephen's giant white car phone continues to amuse. 

Also, I just realized that it's like, been a while since I mentioned how hot Warren is, so allow me to mention it again. Warren is super hot! 

You know though, I have to put in that Stephen has amazing style. Yeah, his hair's a bit girly, and the Bret Hart sunglasses aren't doing him too many favors (it's hard to tell if I actually like them, or I just like them for reminding me of the Hitman), but overall, that boy can dress. He's got a feathered earring in his left ear, and an ear cuff midway up his right ear. He's also got piles of different silver bracelets on each arm, and in the concert footage is wearing literally the most artfully ripped t-shirt I've ever seen. Kudos, Stephen. 

Anyway, back to the video. I guess Warren was fake-skyping Stephen to get him to pick them up, since now the rest of Ratt are piling into the convertible. Somehow Bobby Blotzer gets shotgun, with the other guys hopping into the back. Well, they made the right call, as now Juan, Robbin, and Warren are sitting up on top of the backseat waving their arms around while Bobby just sits up in the front like a chump, so. Oh, no wait, now everyone else is sitting down, but Bobby is standing up and miming drumming. Now Juan's in the front, singing straight at the camera. He also has Bret Hart glasses. Dang, this is getting pretty long, isn't it. 

Okay, I'll just focus on the high points, like Stephen signing something for a girl who is wearing an amazing t-shirt which features Stephen's almost life-size face on it. We also must mention that Ozzy's back, and appears to be in drag — he's wearing lipstick and a floral housedress, standing in a garden holding a youngish girl — either Aimee or Kelly, I'm not sure based on the age. 

We also get a quick repeat of Tommy Lee and Nikki Sixx's big reveal in "Back for More," I guess they wanted to make sure they got maximum mileage out of that footage. 

Ooh, then we get a new cameo! It's Carmine Appice, hanging out backstage with the boys. And speaking of backstage, you've got to love all the backstage "getting ready" shots. These boys have a lot of makeup in there, and I don't mean the 70s KISS kind. I mean the 80s KISS kind — eye shadow, lipstick, etc.

 

The end of this video only gets more random. There's a sequence with — I'm not sure if I should call them dolls or puppets — being waved out the window of a car. One of them is definitely a Stephen puppet, the other one is hard to get a positive ID on. 

We also get an actual, new Nikki Sixx cameo, Ozzy ripping off his shirt, and another dude I don't recognize (he looks Japanese, but is not one of the guys in Loudness). 

And then when you think it can't get weirder, the video transitions from the boys singing in their convertible to suddenly being all patriotic, with pics of the Statue of Liberty and the flag. This fades into a sunset, which then (of course) turns out to be an image on Stephen's little car TV. It transitions into concert footage and then static flickers before the whole thing fades out. 

The thing that's interesting though is this song is also a bit of a sonic leftover. If you've ever heard Ratt songs that from when they're still called "Mickey Rat" (a nod to Mickey Mouse, though wouldn't Ricky Rat have made the connection more obvious?), this is more or less what they sound like. Wayyy less polished, way less glam. I mean it actually sounds like they crawled out of the cellar! 

Such is the way with this track, which though many people know it from their Ratt & Roll 8191 compilation, is from their 1983 debut EP which is notable for a) being awesome but also for b) having seriously amazing, like frame-worthy cover art (despite the fact that I'm pretty sure those are large mice, not rats). None of their other albums measure up, artwork-wise. 

The video though is from 1985, sort of filling the gap after Out of the Cellar and paving the way for the clips from Invasion of Your Privacy. 

So it actually is a leftover song, with leftover clips from other videos and just a little bit of new stuff — it's like the day after Thanksgiving! And luckily, like the day after Thanksgiving, it's actually pretty tasty. 

Anthrax, "Black Lodge"

Ready for Their Close-Up  

THE VIDEO Anthrax, "Black Lodge," The Sound of White Noise, 1993, Elektra 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Giii-iiiive me, the one thing you can't giiii-iiiiive / take me to, the black lodge where you liii-iiiiii-iiiiiive" 

THE VERDICT I know. Delving into John Bush-era Anthrax already? But this song popped into my head recently and um, lodged itself there, if you'll pardon my pun, so I felt compelled to write about it. 

Let me start by saying dudes, I have no idea WTF this video is about. It's Anthrax though, and in an Iron Maiden-esque fashion, they tend to write songs about popular culture things they like (the Judge Dredd comics, Stephen King's The Stand). 

Turns out "Black Lodge" is no exception — it references a plot element in cult favorite Twin Peaks, which would've still been really recent when they were writing the material for this album. They even got the guy who scored Twin Peaks to work with them on the song — good one, Anthrax. 

So what's the Black Lodge? Without giving too much away or taking an intensely lengthy (and likely to be contentious, given fans' fervor for this show) digression into Twin Peaks, it's sort of... well... I probably can't really explain it without giving stuff away. (Also suffice to say if this is an issue, don't click on any of the above links! But if you're familiar with Twin Peaks, you'll get the references I make later on.) 

Is this what we see in the video? Mm, not really, though I guess there are some parallels between some of the shots in the latter part of the video and what you'd see in Twin Peaks. I don't see a lot of overt connections though. Let me give you my take on what's going on in this video. Or okay, let's start with just what's going on in this video! 

For one, you barely see Anthrax. Each band member's face is viewed in a very quick shot at some point during the video, and that's that. I think Charlie Benante's expression best captures my sentiments on what's going on with this aspect. So yes, let's strap in now and prepare ourselves, 'cause this thing is really plot-heavy.

 

The video is shot around LA, and has a very LA look and feel to both the interiors and the exteriors (well, by interiors, I mainly mean the house at the beginning). Though there are a fair amount of establishing shots of different places, I was only able to actually track down one of the locations — Evanston Apartments, which are used as an exterior shot early in the video. I couldn't find any of the later stuff though, where they're in a more run-down area, or the ostensible location of the house from the beginning of the video. 

Okay, sorry, I'm getting off track already. The video begins with some establishing shots of LA — the door to the house, palm trees, cars in traffic, etc. A recorded-sounding female voice intones, "Good afternoon. At the tone, Pacific Daylight Time will be two-forty-eight and thirty seconds." 

At the tone, we see a balding man dressed in a dress shirt, tie, and suspenders suddenly sit upright. He peers out through the curtains, then sits on his ratty couch while we hear a weather forecast for LA (as if played on a television in the room), and see more shots of palm trees. The song finally really gets going as the forecast ends, and the man gets more broody. 

We also start to see close-ups of the sleeping face of the woman in the video — she's older but well-preserved, and has one of those too-much-plastic-surgery faces. You know, shaved off nose, overly plump cheekbones, drawn mouth. She smiles in her sleep, and we see a rapid montage of what we can assume are her dreams — a younger version of herself posing in a swimsuit, running on the beach with a man, playing with a dog on a lawn, etc. 

Her memories remind me of one of my all-time favorite videos — brace yourselves, people, I'm not joking — Don Henley's "The Boys of Summer." What can I say, it's evocative. Before I moved to California, I thought my life out here would be like that girl with the wet hair painting her toenails. I can't explain it. 

The montage of memories reaches a hectic pace, ending with a shot of a wedding cake topper. We then see the man come into the bedroom, where she is sleeping with the light on (since as noted, it's the afternoon). He crawls across the bed and whispers in her ear. She awakens with bright eyes and a smile, but her expression quickly sours when she realizes she's no longer in her dreamworld.

 

Okay now I don't know this, but I have always assumed the man in this is not her husband (i.e. the man in her memories) but is, I don't know, like a super-fan or something. Why? One, he appears somewhat younger than her. Two, his manner with her is very servile and deferential. Three, she barely reacts to him. I know, I know, he could be her husband. 

But this sequence happens as John Bush sings "worship the ground you barely walk on" — hence, super-fan. Oh god, the sponge-bathing shot. This is like, the least hot bath-related scene you'll ever see in a metal video. We also see photos in her bedroom showing her younger self from her dreams, affirming that these are indeed memories. The woman sits at the edge of the bed, and the man spoon-feeds her. You can see a large antique vanity table cluttered with stuff in the background — whomever did set direction in this video did a nice job. The house is totally believable as where this odd couple lives. 

As the first pre-chorus begins, we see a montage of the woman putting on makeup and jewelry, more shots of her dreams/memories, and she and the man leaving the house. Oh, and we even see a couple of the guys from Anthrax! 

Next thing you know, they're out in his car, which is a giant, blue, late-model sedan. The woman is propped up in the backseat, with sunglasses and a wig on, plus a scarf over her head. I'm not sure if she reminds me more of Gloria Swanson in Sunset Boulevard or of Bette Davis in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?. Nope, I think Norma Desmond. The woman in this even has something of a resemblance to Gloria Swanson. The man in this is totally her William Holden. Obviously this has a different plot, but there are some parallels I think. 

Anyway, they're cruising around an area that I'd guess is somewhere in east LA, or maybe Long Beach, when he spots Jenna Elfman. Yes, from Dharma and Greg. I'll let you guess whether I'm going to continue referring to her as Jenna Elfman or go with Dharma. Yes, that's right.

 

Dharma is extremely braless in a tank top and cut-off jean shorts. She's hanging around with a man in a pleathery jacket and very loud plaid pants, who possibly is supposed to be her pimp? Even though if she's a hooker she's being very, um, casual in her dress. Anyway, she's hanging around outside a dingy-looking dance club that probably doesn't exist anymore (if it does, I can't find evidence of it online). 

It rapidly shifts from afternoon to twilight as Dharma talks on a payphone and the man checks her out. He briefly converses with her and she leaves with him. Of course, once they're both in the car, somehow it's daytime again, but whatever. You can see like a zillion signs in the background (a Comfort Inn, a McDonald's), but I still haven't been able to track down where they are in LA. 

Anyway, Dharma looks a little sketched out in the car, but not as sketched out as she should look, since next thing you know a dude we haven't seen yet but who looks vaguely like Taboo from the Black Eyed Peas pops up from the backseat and chloroforms her. The shots of her wild-eyed that are almost strobe-lit are among the bits that are more reminiscent of the Twin Peaks stuff in this video. 

We next see the car, at night, pulling into some kind of sketchy underground area, which I'm assuming is the Black Lodge. Unless of course, as we'll see in a moment, the Black Lodge is more metaphorical. Or just less of a physical place, or something. 

Anyway, as the pre-chorus swells we see Scott Ian for like two seconds, followed by some hurried shots of the men hurrying down the hall carrying a passed-out Dharma. We also see the older woman sitting before a collage of photos that appear to be of her younger self, as well as a younger version of the woman as she is dressed now (wig and sunglasses), who doesn't seem to really exist. Yes, this is where this video starts to get really confusing.

 

With the first real chorus, we see that the older woman and Dharma are seated at matching vanity tables. Taboo goes over to see about making up Dharma. We also get a bunch of very Nine Inch Nails-esque shots of pieces of mannequins and dozens of copies of the same red qipao. Taboo puts makeup and a wig on Dharma, and dresses her in one of the qipao before wheeling her away. The woman appears oblivious, gesturing with a cigarette holder at nobody. 

A bunch of ominous shots of sort of old-timey medical equipment (or something) follow as Dharma is strapped into a chair with electrodes attached all over her body. The woman is strapped into a similar chair, as we'll see momentarily. Beside them is a pile of TVs, all of which have flickering blue screens. 

Taboo wakes up Dharma, and the man shines a very bright light in her face. With her makeup and wig on, she looks very much like an early 90s Cyndi Lauper. She squirms and tries to get away from the light. Ooh, here's where Charlie Benante makes that face! 

Oh lord, the next part is the creepiest part of the whole video for me. The man pulls out a tube of suntan oil and rubs it into Dharma's thigh, which discomfits her greatly. However, here's where we start to figure out what's going on. While Dharma hates being rubbed with the lotion, in the other chair, the woman looks pleasantly relaxed, and slides down as if she were the one being rubbed with the lotion. At the same time, we see one of the TV screens begin to come into focus, with an image of suntan oil being applied back in the day. 

Okay. So apparently, the older woman can enter her memories if she is hooked up to another woman who is having those things happen to her, even if the other woman (in this case, Dharma) finds it unpleasant. So she gets the physical sensations from the other person, though not the mental interpretations. And somehow, this makes her memories appear on TV. 

Hmm. Yeah, I'm not really sure I understand exactly what is meant to be happening, forget how we're meant to think this works. Possibly though I am thinking it is like the MST3K movie The Leech Woman. 

 

They repeat this for other of her memories. Dharma looks scared as she watches the memories on the TV. We also see montages of the memories along with shots of the man screaming (the other shots that are closest to Twin Peaks stuff in my opinion). The man produces a yellow lab puppy, which inexplicably also creeps out Dharma (I mean come on, it's a puppy), but which thrills the woman. When he tries to use the puppy on the older woman directly though, she goes limp. Let's not even think about where he gets the puppies from, or what he does with them after. 

As the song winds down, the man goes and talks directly to the older woman, touching her and kneeling before her. Taboo takes Dharma in to another room, where he photographs her in front of a red curtain. We then see her photo pinned among what appear to be dozens, if not hundreds, of photos of women dressed identically. So apparently they do this all the time. 

What's going on? What does any of this have to do with Twin Peaks? As far as I can tell, the visual reference of the red curtains seems to be the strongest connection — Dharma's shot in front of a red curtain at the end, and all the members of Anthrax appear with a red curtain as their background. So possibly Kyle MacLachlan is dreaming this whole video. 

I think my Sunset Boulevard connection (which I've admittedly invented) makes more sense though. I mean yes, I can't explain why this older woman is so intent on living in a dream world of her past that she can only access when she's either a) asleep or b) hooked up to another woman who's dressed as her, but in both cases, a faded beauty has lost all touch with reality. 

As William Holden narrates at the end of that movie, "the dream she had clung to so desperately had enfolded her." Though in the case of this video, it seems to have enfolded the woman, the man, and I guess some dude who looks like Taboo, too.

Poison, "Cry Tough"

My 100th Post(!), and Other Milestones  

THE VIDEO Poison, "Cry Tough," Look What the Cat Dragged In, 1986, Capitol 

SAMPLE LYRIC "You gotta cry tough! / Out on the streets! / To make, your dreams ha-ah-pen / You gotta cry out! / Out to the world! / To make them all come true, yeah-ah" 

THE VERDICT There's a very good reason that this song gets played over the montage at the end of pretty much every heavy metal retrospective-type special. You know, the part where they've just finished talking about grunge, and Nirvana, and bands cutting their hair or trying a new sound, and now they're all remembering the good times, when these guys were on top of the world? You'll get clips of guitars being waved at the camera, and fans screaming, and guys backstage spraying beer on each other. And over it all, this Poison song will blast. 

Why? Because it is one of the most inspirational heavy metal songs pretty much ever. (Also, the way it builds at the beginning — with the drums, and then the guitar coming in — makes for an easy edit into a montage if you go straight from the big guitar punch at the end of the intro and just transition directly to the chorus.) 

Seriously though, you hear this song, and you just know: "I can do it. I can do it." I picked this song this week because you know what? I can do it. And I did do it. This is this blog's 100th post!! It's come a long way since I first started it back in 2004, working on a clamshell iMac laptop with a 10 GB hard drive. In this past year (September to September), I've kept my pledge and done a post a week. 

And now — miracle of miracles — it appears there are people who even read this! Yes, many are just hoping to see videos with a lot of sideboob (or in some cases, side ass), but whatever. I will lead you to the videos with the sideboob! 

In other transitional-type news, I just turned 30. In other words, I am older than I ever imagined I would be. Per Rolling Stone, I can no longer be trusted, but whatever, they're way older than me. And face it, since they switched to that smaller, glossy format, and really even before then, when they started putting people like Zac Efron and reality TV stars on the cover, it's not like we can really trust them either.

 

Anyway, I'm 30. (Yes yes, do the math, I was like 5 or 6 when this song came out.) And yet, here I am, still plugging along. This blog is kicking ass. I am, as it were, crying tough, and making my dreams happen, or trying to anyway. 

And seriously, this is what Poison are all about. In Decline II when Penelope Spheeris asks C.C. and Rikki if they ever thought they wouldn't make it, they just laugh. Though they tell us that things may be hard, and "sometimes a rainbow, baby / is better than a pot of gold", they also remind us that "when you get to the top / you gotta get off and go right back down again." 

So yeah, life is sort of a Chutes & Ladders type scenario (god that is a stressful board game, give me Candy Land any day!), but you've just got to keep aiming for those ladders, people. "You gotta aim high, baby / whether you lose or wi-in." 

This video further expands on Poison's utopian yet utilitarian vision. The band perform in a small, club-like space before a very packed-in crowd of Poison fans. As per always, things are very, very colorful. They've got their awesome, Warhol-esque risers with the album art on them (what I wouldn't give for one of those). 

But even more than that, they've got what they're wearing. The band look ahmazing. C.C. possibly wins: He's got on a purple and black leopard-print coat over a frilly scarf and some kind of crazy-patterned shirt, with tiny skinny black pants. The piece de resistance is the pink maribou boa tied around his head. This is an incredible look. I want to think he thought of it himself, but I would guess Rikki helped him.

Bret looks fantastic, if a little too girly rather than glam. His hair is super-teased, and he's got really sort of natural-looking makeup — it looks less glam and more just like the kind of makeup someone like Olivia Newton John wore around the same time. 

Bret does however have awesome gloves on — red and black sort of cheetah print. He also is really well dressed — lots o' necklaces and bracelets, but for most of the video he's wearing a paisley tuxedo vest that he has wrapped around himself, emphasizing that circa 1986-1988, Bret Michaels had a seriously enviable physique. 

If he looked like that now, I'd be clawing my way onto Rock of Love regardless of the costs to my dignity and self-respect. (And trust -- no matter what Bret claims, that Billboard cover is not even reflective of the way he looked then, let alone now.)

 

Rikki's a little hard to see, in spite of his habit of drumming standing up. He's actually a little drab for him — long black leather-looking coat over a band tee. However, he did make his hair extra poufy, and wrap a maribou boa (see!) around his mic stand, so kudos for that. 

Bobby as always is a little more understated than the rest of the band. He is wearing a coordinated white pleather outfit — sort of a biker-style jacket over skinny pants, which he has tucked into white cowboy boots. He does however get bonus points for the red lipstick and armful of bangles. 

The shots of the crowd really emphasize the sort of utopian vision of Poison. We can only ever really see the people who are at the very front, but it's a diverse bunch. For one, we actually have several people who aren't white, which is genuinely impressive for a glam metal video of this era (really of any era). But we also see a lot more range with the white people than we usually do. 

There's a long shot of a female fan joyfully singing along while holding a drumstick, and — you won't believe this — she's not thin. She may possibly be the one woman over a size 6 who is ever shown in an 80s metal video without a) playing someone's mom or b) being the butt of a joke. 

In another of my favorite shots, we see a giant, sweaty dude (with a mustache!) in an AC/DC tee going nuts. He's next to a totally preppy Tom Cruise wannabe in Wayfarers. It's kind of amazing. They actually have a long sequence with another sweaty, short-haired dude earlier in the video — who knew all these short-haired guys were into this stuff? Then again, Poison did sell a lot of albums.

 

I'd be remiss not to mention the behind-the-scenes footage at the beginning of this video. We get some really beautiful shots of the band members' faces, particularly C.C. and Bobby. We also see Bret goofing around backstage with a sort of Jennifer Beals-looking woman in a truly bizarre ripped-up catsuit thing. I wish they showed more of this, 'cause I really like it. 

At the end of the video, we see footage of the band being thrown out of an elevator, but it looks extremely staged. (Unlike, say, the footage of David Lee Roth wearing nothing but a towel and cowboy boots being hauled out of a hotel by a cop, which looks way more verite. If you aren't familiar with this, click the link and give it about 50 seconds.) 

The other amazing part of this video is the "meet the band" sequences. The one at the beginning (toward the end of the instrumental buildup) is my favorite. The boys appear to be jumping on a trampoline, with the L.A. skyline at twilight behind them. It's smoggy, but you can see the lights of the buildings, and it just looks gorgeous. These are just the perfect "we made it" shots. 

Following the guitar solo, we get a second "meet the band" sequence. They're in front of L.A. at night, but now each band member's face is revealed in turn through some flames. It's pretty badass, but given the large number of "meet the band" sequences in Look What the Cat Dragged In Poison videos, I can afford to be picky and say it isn't my favorite. The fire makes them a little hard to see. 

The video ends with yet another "we made it" moment — a freakin' balloon drop. Balloons and confetti come busting onto the stage, and everyone just goes nuts. Someone gives the band silly string — silly string! — which they begin covering the crowd in. Bobby plunges into the crowd so headfirst that it's worrisome, but luckily they pull him out and he seems okay. 

This whole sort of organized mayhem sequence makes the video feel like a birthday party for the band. In fact, you could start playing the beginning of the song over the end of the video, and it would feel like a "remember the good times" montage. 

It's just a perfect song, and the video — though staged — captures the sort of exuberance and hopefulness and "we're really doing it"-ness that characterized Poison at that moment. There's a reason this was the opening track on the album. I love it!

Faster Pussycat, "Bathroom Wall"

Bathtub Time Machine

THE VIDEO Faster Pussycat, "Bathroom Wall," Faster Pussycat, 1987, Elektra

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Gotttttt your number off the bathroom wall / and I decided it was about time I made the call!/ Yeahh I got your number off the bathroom wall!"

THE VERDICT So before I actually get into talking about this video, I have a confession to make: I think all the time about giving up on this blog again for the zillionth time. There are weeks when it feels less like a hobby and more like a chore, particularly now as I'm looking toward beginning my dissertation research. But the other day, thanks to Blogger, I realized something: Apparently, there are people who read this blog. Or who at least look at it anyway -- I don't know if y'all stick around and read anything, but definitely folks seem to like to look at the pictures.

How do I know this? Well, it turns out that a few months back Blogger added functionality allowing me to view statistics on the blog. I debated clicking on it for a while, figuring it would be depressing to see the five page views from me writing a new post. But finally I did it and -- lo and behold -- for a random anonymous blog with very little promotion (basically just the Twitter feed), this thing actually gets some traffic. I mean yeah, it gets like, country road traffic, not like multi-month-long Beijing traffic jam traffic, but still. Someone out there is looking at this thing who isn't me!

What is it that you all want to look at? Well, apparently some of the more common ways to find this site include searching for "my ancestors spit on your haircut" and "krokus screaming in the night." The former surprised me, the latter not so much -- I've gotten emails from folks asking for more details on that video, and trust me, I don't know them. And I never would have guessed anyone else wanted to know!

So what are the most popular videos on the site? Funny you should ask. I was a little surprised, honestly. As of today, the all-time most viewed pages are:
1) Danzig, "Mother" -- this more or less makes sense. All kids love Danzig.
2) Scorpions, "No One Like You" -- this one really puzzles me.
3) David Lee Roth, "Yankee Rose" -- hence all the people searching for weird insults.
4) Warrant, "I Saw Red" -- really, you guys? Really?
5) LA Guns, "Never Enough" -- inexplicable. My only guess is because I put "Kurt Cobain" in the title of the post. This makes me think I should redo the images for it though, since they're a bit low-res.

Anyway, sorry for that meta moment. And sorry I don't know more about "Screaming in the Night," like who any of the actors are, or what on earth they made those craptastic props out of, or why they just recycled that video directly into the even more horrible "Eat the Rich." I really don't know what anyone wants when it comes to this metal stuff. I only know what I like, and what I want, which is George Lynch circa 1985 and to be one of the cohosts of Vh-1 Classic's That Metal Show 'cause come on, they should really have a woman, and I should totally be that woman.



So what am I in the mood for this week? Well, some down and dirty LA glam metal. I know some people think Faster Pussycat are awful and derivative, but I've got to tell you, I love this band. Even "House of Pain," literally one of the crappiest ballads ever written, can't put a dent in my affection for them. Even knowing that Taime Downe turns into a scary fat pseudo-Nazi can't do it. They're just that fabulous.

Faster Pussycat are like someone took the Sunset Strip circa 1989 or so and distilled it, boiled it down into its purest essence, and squeezed out this band. I mean look, even at the time Taime might have been kind of a d-bag, but he co-owned the Cathouse for heaven's sakes! And just look at him -- he's not an attractive guy, even young, but he's got a fantastic look.

Actually, everyone in Faster Pussycat has a fantastic look, and this is used to great advantage here. Of particular note is Brent Muscat, who has this awesome sort of frilly hippie thing going. I mean okay sure -- the longer you look at Faster Pussycat, the more you realize they have ripped their style straight from Hanoi Rocks (I mean it's like a one-to-one correlation even) but whatever. Somehow, while Hanoi Rocks look totally Euro, Faster Pussycat look super, super LA.

I mean after all, this is the band that Penelope Spheeris used to more or less frame The Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years (if you have not seen this film, you will click that link -- you can watch the entire thing there. The image quality isn't amazing, but the sound is all there). In any event, the boys are all over that one, and "Babylon" plays over the closing credits. They've certainly got the best look of any band in that movie. And we get to hear all about the Cathouse, so that rules.



And anyway -- wait! The video! This video! Yes, of course. Well, they do also perform "Bathroom Wall" in Decline II, though they swap in a fake phone number over the one Taime usually says in the song (it sounds like he says "five-five-five-seven-sixty-ten" instead of 928-1768... or is it 281-7668, if anyone wants to make that the new 867-5309). So the entire previous discussion was relevant. Sort of.

Seriously, if I could time-travel, I would go to the Cathouse. Taime on starting the Cathouse: "We needed a place where we could meet strippers." Riki (nee Rikki) on the clientele: "A lot of blonde girls come here, a lot of girls who look like they come out of Russ Meyer's films." (Side note: I knew of Faster Pussycat as a band way before I knew of Faster Pussycat, Kill! Kill!. Sigh, learning the reference without knowing the referent.)

I know this isn't the video either, but their interview segment in Decline II is great. Why are so many of their songs about sex? "Because Taime's a sexual monster." No really, why are they so obsessed with sex? "We used to be obsessed with money but we had to give up on that." Do they do drugs? Faster Pussycat say no -- umm, lying. "Alcohol, aspirin, Advil" are all they'll cop to. Are they in this for the long run? "I'm just doing this until I can be a manager at McDonald's or something." So okay, it's not all lies.

Even better, they follow it with a segment with Steven Tyler (with an adorable Jane Fonda shag) and Joe Perry talking about how they ripped off the New York Dolls' look, and then how everyone else ripped off their look. Weirdly, Joe seems way more pissed about other people tying scarves around their mics than Steve does. Taime claims he does it because he needs a place to blow his nose, but it sounds like later she paints him into a corner about it and Taime does thank Steven Tyler.

Anyway it's okay, because not the most happens in this video -- it's mostly grainy black and white footage of the band performing the song. We also get "behind the scenes" stuff of them hanging out in LA, which rules. Seriously, if someone had made a "Day in the Life of Faster Pussycat" documentary around that time, I'd totally watch that too. Oh man, I'm getting really distracted right now watching Decline II. It's so good! Can they please do some kind of anniversary DVD of it with like a zillion hours of out-takes? Can they do a really long where-are-they-now special?

Y&T, "Summertime Girls"

And Don't Call Us Shirley!

THE VIDEO Y&T, "Summertime Girls," Down for the Count, 1985, Majestic Rock

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Summertime gir-irllllls / you may my whole world go 'rrrround / summertime gir-irllllls / when you lift me up, I never come downnn"

THE VERDICT Oh, Y&T. Allmusic claims this is a self-conscious parody of "California Girls," but my analysis implies it's not. Best case scenario, it's an homage to Kentucky Fried comedies like Airplane! and The Naked Gun. It's actually got a similar sense of humor. Were it not for the utter cheesiness (particularly the atrocious costume choices made by the band) and the fact that musically, this is no "California Girls", this might actually be halfway decent. Alas, it's Y&T.

I mean this is the same band that has named their album "Down for the Count," implying they're in not such a good place. But then they've taken it even further, with ridiculous album art that depicts a swooning female robot about to get down with The Count -- oh and I'm capitalizing that for a reason, because it shows Count Dracula. I mean really Y&T. Really.

But okay, the video. The video opens with a homeless person walking along a garbage-strewn sidewalk. He taps at another bum, then continues on to examine a garbage bin beside a large sign that informs us this is Venice Beach. It also -- in just the first Zucker-like moment -- informs us the beach prohibits smoking, drinking, loitering, or accordion solos. As the bum goes through the trash, it begins to shake, and then bam, next thing you know, the bum has uncovered the drummer from Y&T (or as I shamelessly refer to him, the fat one).

Where else can we find Y&T? Well, we get a wipe that looks like a page turning (or the screen peeling back), and then we see the lead singer and bassist crawl out from under a rock that has been spraypainted "Y&T." Yes, because nothing makes the kids think you're cool and contemporary like literally crawling out from under a rock.

We get a wipe traveling up the screen, then we see a dude with what is labeled a "heavy metal detector." He makes a shocked face, then discovers he has uncovered the guitarist from Y&T, who shakes him off and walks away to meet up with the rest of the band. They are all wearing ridiculous beach clothes (short-shorts on three out of four), but the lead singer gets special mention for wearing a cropped, belly-baring tee shirt that says "Turbo Made in Italy" and having the bottom layers of his hair braided and beaded. Whoever advised him on this should have been fired.



They all lip synch the first line of the song, then dramatically act out the lyrics, scanning the beach for girls walking by. They are quickly rewarded with a giant posse of women barreling down the boardwalk. Of particular note is the girl in striped bikini and Wham!-esque "Choose Me" tee, who is all over this video and has clearly been designated as the "hot extra," similar to the blond in the white dress in "In and Out of Love."

Y&T keep singing and making goofy faces, then we see a lifeguard carrying a woman in a mermaid costume. I say a "woman in a mermaid costume" and not a mermaid because, come on, the fish tail part is too big for her! You can clearly see it hanging off her waist. They're followed by a woman dressed as Carmen Miranda, with a big fruit basket on her head; a Hare Krishna (clearly Airplane! inspired), and a nerdy couple dressed as tourists. Y&T always poke fun at nerds in their videos, which seems a little, well, um... let's just say it's never a good idea to alienate your core demographic.

All these folks file past Y&T, but the boys save their most eye-popping faces for the quartet of women rolling up the boardwalk last. They are all dressed in sort of sexy biker gear -- black leather pants, jackets, etc. Just seeing them onscreen makes me feel sweaty, itchy, and uncomfortable. Oh, I don't mean like they're a turn-on! Ew, no. I mean I'm already imagining how uncomfortable it would be getting sand in those leather pants. I love the beach but ughh do I hate sand.

These ladies -- who are also bedecked in all kinds of chains -- feel the need to push directly through Y&T rather than go past them. They attempt to push them over, but nope, they're all still singing and making goofy faces. It didn't work.

The "Choose Me" girl has taken her shirt off, and is posing on her towel with the pier in the background. Meantime, the biker ladies have set up in an especially hot and icky looking place -- ew, I feel sweaty and dirty every time they're on screen! They are facing away from the water, and have a bunch of hubcabs hung on a fence behind them. The ladies have switched into some weird combination of bondage gear and lingerie (I mean really! Stockings at the beach?!). It is physically uncomfortable watching them on screen. Their only plus is reminding me of bad 80s dystopian future movies they watch on Mystery Science Theater 3000 like "City Limits" and "Robot Holocaust." These gals could be extras in either.



We briefly see the lead singer dancing around next to the mermaid while the Hare Krishna strolls by. Then we see a blonde in a white bikini putting on suntan oil (not sunblock -- you know, the dark brown Hawaiian Tropic stuff). Ahhh! Noo!!! Then we see one of the biker ladies pouring Valvoline motor oil on her leg and rubbing that in. Ahh!! Just thinking about doing that, smelling that in the heat, then getting sand stuck to it -- seriously, this video is giving me a bad case of OCD.

The lead singer dances around a little more, then we see (I think) the guitarist snatch a pair of binoculars from the nerdy tourist couple. The (again, my best guess) bassist is using a watering can to keep the fake mermaid's tail moist, and the drummer (aka the fat one) is eating fruit from fake Carmen Miranda's headdress. Oh Y&T, your dorky humor knows no bounds.

We next actually see the band pretending to play the song, going nuts next to the boardwalk while women walk by completly ignoring them. This is followed by a sequence I really don't get -- women in bikinis rollerskate up and down the boardwalk holding increasingly large ghetto blasters up on their shoulders. I think we're supposed to laugh at the ever-increasing magnitude of the jamboxes, but honestly, I'm not sure. In between, we briefly see the Hare Krishna greeting the nerdy tourists.

Now the biker ladies are on roller skates, while still in their bondage/lingerie gear. They roll close to Y&T (who are still playing the song next to the boardwalk), creating a giant cloud of dust that blows the band away. It also conveniently provides a transition to the next scene, which features Y&T attempting to play volleyball against a bunch of the conventionally attractive women.

They should have kept their eyes on the ball instead of just lip synching and dancing, because one of the biker ladies catches the volleyball and proceeds to fully deflate it just by squeezing it with her hands. Each one of the biker ladies walks past the guitarist making a mean face at him after she throws the ruined ball at his feet.

Then we're back on the boardwalk with the lead singer, who is ogling ladies while he walks past a food stand. A carnival barker convinces him to try a game that involves throwing a baseball through a plywood cutout of a clown's mouth. The Y&T guy decides to give it a try, and of course, he's terrible -- the "Choose Me" girl waiting over at the food window giggles at him. No matter. He picks up the bazooka at his feet and fires, destroying the entire clown backdrop (and I'm assuming, leaving many dead and wounded on the beach beyond, but they don't show that part).



The smoke from the explosion provides the transition to the next scene, showing all the conventionally attractive women packing up their beach stuff to head home. As the sun sets, we see all the different characters from the entire video plow past Y&T, who appear to be begging? I don't know what they're doing, maybe just singing and making weird hand gestures. It's hard to tell. We get an inexplicable close-up of a woman wearing a toga and a helmet -- is she supposed to be Roman? Joan of Arc? Not sure.

Next thing you know, looks who's here, it's the Y&T robot, wearing giant novelty sunglasses. He seems to be having more trouble walking than usual, I guess due to the sand. See? Sand is just problems for everyone. His giant swinging arms knock over Y&T.

Y&T give up and plop themselves into the sand, looking all sad. Aww, poor Y&T. You can see the "Y&T" rock in the background behind them, maybe they should crawl back under that. But no wait, look, walking up the beach, it's the biker ladies. After coldly assessing the lads for a moment, they offer them their hands and help them up. We then see a long shot of everyone silhouetted as they walk along the pier, with the shambling Y&T robot bringing up the rear.

So is this a happy ending for Y&T? Umm, depends what you mean by "happy ending." (Oh ew, I am not trying to make a double entendre people, get your minds out of the gutter!) My guess is this is like the Beavis and Butt-head where the hot biker lady talks to them, but all she's looking for is for them to help her steal some stuff from the convenience store where they're always hanging out. (Clerk: "What's that there in your pants?" Butt-head: "Wouldn't you like to know.") I could picture Y&T sitting around afterwards, much like Beavis and Butt-head, eating nachos and reminiscing about that time a chick talked to them.

Mötley Crüe, "Girls, Girls, Girls"

Striptopia

THE VIDEO Mötley Crüe, "Girls, Girls, Girls," Girls, Girls, Girls, 1987, Elektra

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Girls! Girls! Girls! / Long legs and burgundy lips! / Girls! Girls! Girls! / Dancin' down on the Sunset Strip"

THE VERDICT Girls, Girls, Girls is definitely not my favorite Mötley Crüe album. It all feels a bit forced, like Vince Neil wearing frosted pink lipstick during Theatre of Pain threatened their male fanbase soo much that now they have to go as far the other way as possible, with strippers, motorcycles, and the beginnings of what will soon be all-out tattoo bonanzas on Nikki Sixx and Tommy Lee. Boo!

On the other hand, people always say to "write what you know" and "do what you love" and so on, so it's not entirely surprising that the Crüe would write an ode to strip clubs. If you've ever read The Dirt or really even just seen an interview with any member of the band (or okay, any member of the band who isn't Mick Mars), you know that the Crüe are really into boobs and performative sex.

Yes, even years before Tommy Lee would marry Pamela Anderson, and create the sex tape that really solidifies this Crüe-boobs-performative sex triumvirate, this comes across loud and clear. It predates the tattoos and motorcycles by nearly a decade in my estimation.



I was, as per the internet, only able to come up with the NSFW version of this video (or I guess really the NSFMTV version). It's really not that different from the original though -- more ass-only shots, thongs, toplessness toward the end. It merely underscores how all of these women would not be strippers today -- there's hardly an implant in sight (okay, there's one woman I find suspicious), a bunch of them aren't that young, and in general, they're wayyy more natural.

I'm actually thinking there's possibly more than one NSFW version of this video. The one I've been watching to write this post has a lot of topless women actually dancing around Vince, who's sitting in a backward-facing chair on the stage. I feel like though I've seen another one where the black-and-white canned footage of Nikki at the end has topless women superimposed next to it. You never know, I could be wrong. I spend so much time watching them that I've been known to have oddly specific dreams about heavy metal videos that don't really exist.

Actually there's one other thing that's different about it -- if you've seen the MTV version, you'll see that almost no money is exchanged. In the uncut version, the strippers often have cash stuffed in their various, uh, garments. It's interesting that MTV was like having exotic dancers is okay, but demonstrating that it's a monetary transaction is a no-no. What, do they really think that'll take this down to the level of Club MTV?



This video is basically like Flashdance meets the Robin Byrd Show. If you've ever lived in New York City, you freakin' know who Robin Byrd is, don't pretend. Okay, for those who don't, she's an often fairly out-of-it adult entertainer who interviews strippers and porn stars, and lets them do a little dance (frequently set to bad early '90s club music and with a backdrop reminiscent of You Can't Do That on Television). They mostly run reruns, so a lot of her guests are from around this time, or a little later. In general, the whole thing is only slightly more salacious than what you see here (there's some mild fondling and the occasional pantomimed sex act) -- at the same time though, if I were you, I wouldn't click on any of the links in this paragraph if I were at work.

At the same time, this video is totally like Flashdance, a movie whose premise has always struck me as ridiculous. What, that a welder-by-day and dancer-by-night might realize her dreams of being a ballerina? Ummm noooo, the idea that the patrons of a dive bar like Mawby's really sit through a bunch of costumed modern dance routines without heckling the dancers to take off their tops. They even underscore this with the scene when Jennifer Beals' failed figure skater friend becomes a stripper, and they're all like, "no no, that's much too degrading. It's nothing like what we do every night."

In any event, the costumes in this video are very Flashdance, especially the girl in the sort of well, Mötley Crüe-esque costume who tears her fishnets and crawls around on the floor. If she'd just kept her top on, this would pretty much be a scene from Flashdance.



The other thing I find deeply amusing about this video is how the Crüe have created sort of an ideal typical strip club. If you aren't familiar with the concept of an ideal type, it comes from the sociologist Max Weber. The gist of it is that the ideal type of something is the perfect concept of how something would be. This isn't in the sense of perfect or ideal in that it's necessarily good or somehow best, it's more that it has all of the attributes that we would expect something to have. A key point about ideal types is that they don't really exist out in the world, they merely exist as reference points for generating theory. Oh, also they exist in heavy metal music videos.

Weber uses this to talk about things like the state and bureaucracy, but Mötley Crüe here extend the idea to the strip club. They've created a seedy looking place where the dancers are enthusiastic, and all of the male patrons can share in the ogling good times to be had. The Harley-riding bad boys of Mötley Crüe can sit side by side with the trucker and the businessman. The young and the old, the affluent and the working class stiff, all can share in the Crüe's strippertopian vision. Tommy and Nikki even joke around with some of the other patrons, showing themselves to be men of the (male) people.

Only Mick seems -- not unexpectedly -- more or less immune to the strippers' charms. He raises his sunglasses once, but otherwise he plays the solo in the Seventh Veil's dressing room without peeling his eyes away from his guitar even once. He is probably trying to figure out which of the strippers are really aliens or pod people or some such.



The other thing that's a bit genius about this song is the shout-outs the Crue give to all these real strip clubs of the world -- the Sunset Strip's (now defunct) Tropicana and (the very much still there) Body Shop, Vancouver's Marble Arch, the Crazy Horse in Paris (umm is that where Rusty gets caught in European Vacation?). They even show Thee Doll House (actually in Miami, but they needed to rhyme it with Tattletales), with a couple of genuinely gorgeous women hanging around in front (most of the video is shot at the Seventh Veil, in case you didn't notice the vaguely Middle Eastern-looking bar area). If they ever had to pay for drinks or lap dances at those places before, well, we can assume they never had to again. Plus, as long as those clubs stayed in business, the Crüe are more or less guaranteed that they'll have to play this song at least once an hour.

At the same time though, if you've again, ever seen an interview with the Crüe, read or heard anything about them really, you know that even women who weren't professional sex workers had a lot of trouble keeping their tops on around them in the 80s. Why would they even bother with strip clubs? Maybe they really like hot wings. Yeah, come to think, I could totally see Tommy being really into hot wings.