THE VIDEO Britny Fox, "Girlschool," Britny Fox, 1988, Columbia
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SAMPLE LYRIC "At the girrrrrrlschool / 'Cause my baybay broke all the rules! / At the girrrrrrrrrrrrrlschool / 'Cause my baybay broke all the rules"
THE VERDICT So, as I went to wrangle all the images for this week's post, suddenly Photoshop decides it doesn't want to open JPGs. In fact, it doesn't want to open anything except PSD's -- PhotoShop Documents. How much does this help me? Um, not at all. I tried every single fix I could find online, up to and including wiping all traces of it and then reinstalling Photoshop, and not one of them worked. Not one! Long story short, I had to upgrade, finally did, and boom, here I am. And only one day late!
Anyway, it's September again, and even though I personally don't have to go back to school for another month -- yes, be jealous -- it's back to school for pretty much everyone else. Hence, I've decided to highlight metal videos about school. You have to love metal videos about school: First, they're kitschy. Second, they often look like long-lost 80s movies that in fact never existed. But third, and decisively, they force bands to acknowledge the relative youthfulness of much of their core audience in a way that you almost never see happen outside of pop.
"Girlschool" (not to be confused with the band Girlschool) is no exception. The video kicks off with a bumbling janitor -- think Ernest Works for Minimum Wage (speaking of 80s movies that don't actually exist!) -- peeking into a classroom at an all-girls' school. The students are all wearing short-sleeved buttondown shirts and quite demure knee-length plaid skirts, letting us know there's more than just that "e" separating this Britny from that Britney.
In another feature particularly common to school-oriented videos -- cameos by minor celebs -- the class is totally being taught by a woman who I can't put my finger on it, but she's totally recognizable from 80s movies. She's not the lady who played the gym teacher in Porky's, but she's totally in that vein. She looks pleased with herself to be in this video, and I'm glad she's here too.
The camera follows several girls as they enter the classroom, and draws our attention to one girl, who's rocking a side ponytail and those wire and foam headphones absolutely no one has used since like 1992 -- the kind where at any volume, everyone can hear exactly what you're listening to. The teacher glares at her as she sits down, then goes back to writing "Classical music theory J.S. Bach" on the board.
A bit of googling tells us side pony is "lingerie and poster model" Kim Anderson, who also appears in "Patience" and "I Want Action" as well as... uh... one episode of Married With Children. Other auspicious roles include "porno actress" and "woman on street," as well as unverified uncredited performances on Baywatch. She is not to be confused with this Kim Anderson, whose aesthetic also permeates metal videos such as "Because the Night" and "Don't Close Your Eyes."
As the bell rings, the other girls open their books, while side pony hits play on her Walkman. This actually kicks off the song. The teacher whips her head around, spots side pony rocking out, and brandishes scissors. As soon as she cuts the cord running to her headphones however, the front of the classroom magically disappears and is replaced with Britny Fox performing on a soundstage.
The other girls' reaction shots are priceless. Side pony immediately starts jumping up and down while the teacher glares at her. A later shot reveals that though the teacher can hear the music, she can't see the band -- when she turns around, the blackboard reappears. See kids? School. That's where the magic happens.
Why didn't Britny Fox catch on? Well, watching the band for a minute gives you some clues. Dean Davidson might sound like a poor man's Tom Keifer, but he looks like Steven Tyler as drawn by Jack Davis. Even though it was the 80s, this isn't a good thing. Britny Fox fall into the metal typology of "frilly" bands -- arguably, they define the category. But the thing is, these lads don't have the looks or the chops to pull off all this lace.
At least in my opinion. These schoolgirls disagree. As the song progresses, they get wilder and wilder, tossing their hair about, knotting their shirts up, and dancing like crazy. It's like an all-girl, glitter-less version of the final scene in Footloose. By the first chorus, they've all transformed from completely buttoned-up, demure little things who barely look fifteen, to the kind of gals who probably would hang around the Britny Fox tour bus. Well, hotter versions of those girls.
Also, they've magically gotten accessories. Somehow, they've all managed to add colorful gloves, studded belts, and numerous bracelets to their previously staid ensembles. The teacher struggles to get them to sit down, but they won't have any of it.
Instead, they listen to Dean, who leers "you're staying after schooooool" to kick off the guitar solo, which features Michael Kelly Smith standing on top of the teacher's desk. He looks like an ugly version of Steve Whiteman with extremely fried hair. Why he ditched Cinderella to join a band that sounds like a watered-down version of Cinderella... I don't know. I guess it's sort of the opposite of doing what everyone who got really famous did, i.e. leaving London.
Following the solo, things get even more frenzied. The teacher gets into it, waving her arms and high-fiving the girls, even letting down her hair. There's much head-banging and face-making on everyone's parts. The song ends abruptly, and the teacher acts super-surprised by this. All the girls smile at her knowingly, then she sort of nods at them.
And then what? Do they all just finish class with wild hair and wilder accessories? Or does everyone start re-braiding and peeling off their colorful gloves? I want to know more. Much, much more.
I mean face it, this largely okay-ish song is really just screaming to have been made into a plotless, full-length feature 80s teen sex comedy a la Private School. Then we could get a big finale scene of everyone getting involved in some crazy caper. Maybe they could bring back in that janitor from the first scene. Or Rodney Dangerfield. Or even a zany-graduation-antics scene. I'll take anything!
And don't worry -- I'll get my images game in order early for next week, so hopefully this won't happen again. I know this was WAY too many pictures for how much I actually had to say about this video this week, but once I finally got Photoshop up and running again, I was just a little too excited to be able to have pictures. And come on, even if the song isn't that great, this video is pretty dang entertaining.