Ozzy Osbourne, "No More Tears"

Hope That Eyeliner's Waterproof  

THE VIDEO Ozzy Osbourne, "No More Tears," No More Tears, 1991, Epic 

SAMPLE LYRIC "No mawr tee-ears, tee-ears, tee-ears" (Just repeat this in an increasingly dramatic voice over a badass guitar riff)

THE VERDICT I've made reference to this video so many times now that it stopped making sense to avoid it (even if I worry I'm risking becoming too Ozzy-centric). I mean face it — this video is like the template for early 90s metal videos. So what's it got? Well let me tell you! 

The girl suddenly looks a lot less like a stripper and a lot more like a model. I mean, heroin chic was never going to catch on among rock video girls (though among the guys, it's a different story — yes Nikki and Tommy circa Doctor Feelgood, I'm looking at you). But yeah, the gal in this video appears extremely lean compared to the more voluptuous types you'd see in a video from the 80s. The long satin-y dress gives her a sort of Old Hollywood look -- and as previously noted many times, between Monroe, Mansfield, and sort of general mid-century pin-up aesthetics, metal bands are all over this style. 

Random art references class things up. I know I've said in other places how many videos reference "American Gothic" (this one doesn't). It does, however, feature loads of frames and sort of weird art stuff. Most notably though, we once again get a visit from a knockoff of Salvador Dali's 'Mae West' lips sofa (see? More Old Hollywood!). You might recall Bobbie Brown lounging on one in the "Cherry Pie" video (a video which does reference "American Gothic"). Bet you never thought knowing something about art history would come in handy for discussing Ozzy Osbourne videos. But looky here, it does.

Yves Klein Blue is the dominant color. I've talked about this with so many other videos, it's time I finally explained it, since if you aren't the kind who reads fashion magazines (I'm not anymore, but I was, so) you probably have no idea what I'm talking about it. Anyway, Yves Klein Blue (or International Klein Blue, or IKB) is a super-intense ultramarine or cobalt blue.

 

It comes in and out of fashion, but it's most directly associated with its creator (Yves Klein, obvs) and his works created by having nude models coat themselves in the super-intense pigment and then assume different poses pressed against canvas, so the prints left by their bodies create the piece. I know, this sounds like the concept for a metal video, right? Yet somehow they never made the connection between the color and nudity. Hmm. 

Dramatic lighting gets even more dramatic. Okay, we all know spotlights have never been strangers to metal videos. But I feel like "No More Tears" marks some kind of tipping point -- okay, maybe "Poison" marks it, I'm not sure (hell, they're practically the same video) -- where suddenly everyone is being shot in high contrast, with parts of their faces in focus and clear and the rest in dark, utterly black shadow. They pump it up a notch by there seeming to be fans off-camera blowing directly into each musician's face. Even Zakk Wylde can't whip his hair fast enough to keep us from seeing his mug in this one! 

Wardrobe has been pared wayyyy back. Okay, it's not like Ozzy was ever glam to begin with. Well no, wait, I take that back. We all remember his Liz Taylor phase, when he wore all those full-glitz bathrobes onstage. Suffice to say, those are gone now. (Actually, Ozzy looks amazing -- like ten years younger and I'm gonna guess way more than ten pounds lighter.) He's stopped frosting his hair, and there's nary a rhinestone in sight. Instead, he's rocking a popular early 90s guy look -- the black (probably leather) vest with no shirt underneath. Zakk Wylde is just wearing pants (not that there's anything wrong with that!). 

I don't think anyone's wearing color though, which is a mega-contrast to the amped-up color in every other part of this video. It's like they wanted to keep things flashy, but keep their distance at the same time. That said, what with his giant cross necklace and numerous bangles, Ozzy hasn't lost all his flair. There are definitely parts of this video that weren't trend-setting though. The whole Ozzy's-crawling-around-while-he-sings thing? Yeah, not so much. I'm not sure what the jagged floor/fake precipice is all about. Maybe Ozzy's not quite so healthy as he looks here.

 

Also, I know the big framed eyes are supposed to look spooky, but combined with the Mae West sofa they just remind me of Chairy from Peewee's Playhouse (apparently a lot of metal videos remind me of Peewee's Playhouse). And the kitchen sink being set on fire? That's just weird. 

Some of the other stuff is the same-old, same-old. Women under water? Yeah, we've seen that (think "Don't Cry" or, for a dude under water, "Headed for a Heartbreak"). A grand piano in a random fog bank? Okay, I don't know if I can think of a video off the top of my head with that exact image, but there are plenty with pianos, and way more with fog, fire, etc. 

By the way, anyone know what this song is about? If you give the lyrics a close read, it seems like it's either about a vampire or a hooker. The video doesn't really give us clues in either direction. The thing about like, reminding you what your mama told you ("not to talk to strangers") and that a "red light" means things get started again makes me think prostitute. But then some of the other stuff makes me think more vampire... or maybe just human murderer? Gosh, I don't know. Allmusic says it's a POV song about a serial murderer... I don't know, I keep thinking hooker. 

 

Hmm, maybe it's a murderer of hookers... or a hooker who is a murderer (it's amazing how, of course, you can find metal songs that cover whatever bases you need in this area). Okay no, per Wikipedia Ozzy says it's about a serial killer. But wasn't it more fun to speculate?

Either way, for a song that's so dark and brooding, all it ever makes me think of is the baby shampoo. What can I say, it's a stronger and earlier association — and really, outside of the baby shampoo and the Ozzy song, it's not like it's a common phrase like "dry your eyes" or something. Or, perhaps, "Don't Cry"?

Faster Pussycat, "You're So Vain"

I Betcha Think This Post is About You  

THE VIDEO Faster Pussycat, "You're So Vain," Rubaiyat: Elektra's 40th Anniversary, 1990, Elektra

SAMPLE LYRIC "Yoooooou're so vain / [insert lots of bad scatting and weird mouth noises here] / I betcha think this song is about you, don't you, don't youuuuuu" 

  

THE VERDICT Faster Pussycat covering Carly Simon? Wha-aaaaa-aat? Where does this song come from? Well allow me to answer that! We can thank an uneven but actually kind of awesome double-album that Elektra put out in honor of the label's 40th anniversary, with bands who were currently on the roster covering classic Elektra hits. (If you're wondering what a rubaiyat is, technically it's a collection of Arabic verse. I think maybe they were trying to play on this being their "ruby" anniversary.) 

 

Anyway, if you don't know Rubaiyat, it's the album responsible for all kinds of random greatness, like the kickass Metallica cover of Queen's "Stone Cold Crazy", and the Gipsy Kings' version of "Hotel California" that everyone knows from The Big Lebowski. 

And of course, it's what brings us to Faster Pussycat covering Carly Simon — two great tastes that indeed, taste great together. There was a lot of drama around this song — the original Carly Simon version — about a year ago, as Carly purportedly revealed who it's actually about. Is it Eric Clapton? Jackson Browne? Some random music exec? Who cares! The entire point of this song is that if you think it's about you, you're probably kind of a jerk. I feel like I have a lot of people in my life right now giving off that vibe, which put it in my mind to do this video.

 

After all, unless you're just here to search for pictures of a young Christina Applegate (which, statistically, a lot of you are), you've probably noticed I've been away for a while... four months almost. Just had too much going on to keep up. I kept just barely getting posts up on time, and then one week, I just missed it. And yet, life went on. And on. 

But as I'm writing this, having just found a month-old email from one of my most devoted readers, I know I miss this blog too much to let it go (and besides, I have to keep identifying which Great White girls look like Kelly Bundy). I mean, it's nearly March — Power Ballads Month! I don't know that I'll be able to keep up with weekly posts, but I'll do what I can to serve up at least some meager morsels of metal. 

Like this gem, which is like a time capsule of what people thought was cool in the early '90s (and what people thought was kitsch). I think in the intervening twenty freakin' years the two have reversed themselves at least once, and now seemingly swung back around, at least from what I can tell by the preponderance of velvet at American Apparel. That said, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous of Taime's fainting couch. I love that kind of useless furniture. (Though I'm not so much with the animal prints these days ... another trend that has definitely come back around.)

 

Not to sound like Stefon, but this video has it all. Sexy women's shadows. Wildly swinging cameras. Saturated colors, including of course the de rigeur Yves Klein blue. Mannequins dressed as cops. Louis XIV-style portraits. Burlesque dancers. Contortionists. A crap-ton of mirrors. Aging beauty queens. Velvet curtains. A woman who looks just like her poodle (or a poodle who looks just like it's woman, depending how you want to look at it). Sunless tanning. Human furniture. Human furniture? You know, it's that thing of when the members of the band who aren't the lead singer just have to sit through the video. (Sorry, no midgets... so far.) 

 

Oh no wait, behind curtain number six-zillion we do finally find Faster Pussycat actually performing the song instead of just sitting on furniture that looks like it got rejected from Singled Out or left over from like, the original Real World apartment (wow, I'd totally forgotten that they had that guy who looked like Matt Dillon in Singles!). 

The boys seriously seem to be in some kind of contest as to who can wear the most velvet. I think Brent Muscat is winning with the red suit. Okay, but then the video ends with the roles being reversed — now the members of Faster Pussycat are playing in the little areas behind the curtains, and a bunch of model-types are posing and preening on the rotating furniture (completely ignoring the band, though I suppose that's the point). 

But for real — they finally let the guys play, and then they just throw tons of other stuff in front of them. Oh wait, now everyone's singing. And everyone's there at once, too. I guess New York's hottest club is the "You're So Vain" video.