Van Halen, "(Oh) Pretty Woman"

Cowboys and Tarzans and Napoleon, Oh My!  

THE VIDEO Van Halen, "(Oh) Pretty Woman," Diver Down, 1982, Warner Bros. SAMPLE LYRIC "Oh you look love-ly, as you could beee / are you lonely just, like meeeeeee? / [Growl]" 

THE VERDICT Van Halen's first video that isn't just performance taped for Musikladen or one of those kinds of shows, and zoinks, it's a total WTF-fest. I find a lot of people aren't familiar with it unless they're either a) serious David Lee Roth fans or b) serious viewers of Vh-1 classic, since MTV wouldn't air it back in the day. 

Considering that by their fourth album you'd assume Van Halen were making decent music video money, this low-budget weird-off makes no sense. Seriously, it's like the Manos, The Hands of Fate of music videos. 

Lord only knows where this was filmed. I'm guessing it's winter in California — there aren't leaves on the trees, but there are leaves on everything else, and it looks sunny but kinda cold, so we'll go with SoCal winter. The main action appears to take place in I don't even know what — a ghost town? A long-abandoned girl-scout camp? Seriously, I've got nothing here. 

But wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. I should note that in a bizarre touch, the video starts not just with the camera panning around this strange landscape, but also by establishing what we're watching (something you almost never see, except in much later high-end rap videos, where it's usually meant more to imitate movies). First we see "Van Halen" written in giant stone letters, a la Monty Python's Life of Brian logo. Then we get "in", done in Western-looking rope letters. Finally, "Pretty Woman," done tiki-style. These type treatments give us some idea of the narrative consistency to come. 

With the song's lengthy instrumental opening, we move through this weird empty town (or whatever it is) to find a very slim woman in a white dress, nylons, gold heels, and a white headband who has been bound by her hands between two posts. She's struggling, and being aggressively fondled by a pair of little men who appear to be clad in red long underwear. I want to say this is the weirdest part of the video, but honestly it's probably not. It is, however, the part that MTV was not down with at the time.

 

We then go inside one of the shacks, where the little-person-bondage action is playing on a TV set that's covered in sort of security guard detritus (a bunch of empty coffee cups, what appears to be a plate of partially-eaten chicken). There's a little Quasimodo-type guy dressed in colorful clothing watching the TV from across the room. He jumps up and races toward the camera, and we see him bending in to twist knobs (as if we were behind the TV's screen). 

Some people claim it's David Lee Roth playing the hunchback, but I think that's just 'cause both make exaggerated faces. The hunchback sort of freaks out and spins across his little garbage-strewn room (which is illuminated by a bare light bulb — weird that it's this crap-looking but still has full-color surveillance capabilities, isn't it?). He climbs up a very rustic-looking ladder — apparently he has a better view of the lady being tortured from his second floor than he does from his TV. 

He runs back downstairs and — of course — gets on the phone. 'Cause yeah, even though based on the buildings' appearances this place wouldn't even have running water, they have electricity and phone service. Who ya gonna call? (Oh crap, now I'm gonna have the Ghostbusters theme stuck in my head all day. Whatever, I've brought it on myself.) 

Anyway, he calls Michael Anthony, who's elaborately dressed as a Samurai. This video is Michael Anthony's golden hour. Normally he kind of reminds me of George Costanza, but in this video he is almost reminiscent of Chris Pratt. And not of Chris Pratt as Che, the final nail in The O.C.'s coffin, but as Andy Dwyer, the swoon-worthy buffoon on my beloved Parks and Recreation. 

Anyway, Michael Anthony is standing next to a concrete wall and a bored-looking palomino horse, practicing swinging his sword around and yelling. He notices his phone — since of course, he also has a phone right there — and picks up, we assume talking to the hunchback. He puts on a hat and heads for the horse.

 

Next Quasimodo calls Alex Van Halen. Wow. Now speaking of being in your magic hour. This video is definitely Alex's finest moment. He looks like some kind of sexy Jeff Goldblum here, glad in a tiger-skin loincloth. He's squatting on top of a zebra skin in a reed hut, surrounded by random bones and, naturally, a phone. He's also wearing aviator sunglasses and a big necklace. Alex picks up the phone, doesn't say anything, and just throws the phone aside, runs out of his hut, and gives a big Tarzan yell. 

We then cut to Eddie Van Halen, already on the phone. He's a cowboy, sitting beside the remains of a campfire. Eddie has on a Richie Sambora-style black, flat-top cowboy hat, a red bandanna, black vest, one black glove (why?), and what appear to be black leather pants. He finishes his call, throws his cigarette into the fire, and then his stunt double does some gun-twirling (I mean, if Ed were doing it himself, we'd probably see more than just his hand in the shot, right?). 

And speaking of stunt doubles — we then see "Michael Anthony" riding his horse. Later we also get shots of "Eddie Van Halen" riding his horse through some water — they don't mess around here, putting a bandanna over the rider's face. 

But we must set that aside for a moment, because, at last, David Lee Roth has entered the video. And of course, is Diamond Dave squatting outside in the dirt? Oh hell no. He is sitting at a long tale in a fancy, formal dining room, and he is dressed as (naturally) Napoleon Bonaparte. He's writing in a ledger with a feather pen when suddenly he pauses, and — we cut to Alex running through a field. 

Oh, but then we're back with Dave. He's making a studiedly expressionless face while on the phone. And his phone is red — he couldn't even have the same phone as the other guys. Dave stands up, and then we see him walking through his giant house, which has an elaborate checkerboard floor. 

Suddenly, it's night, and the lady in white is still battling the little people. One is now wearing sunglasses and a Native American-style feathered headdress, while the other has on a cape and a top hat. Eddie, Alex, and Michael simultaneously walk up to face this little scene. 

Their arrival greatly alarms the little people, who let the woman go momentarily. Somehow in the confusion of all these reaction shots, the woman is suddenly untied, though she doesn't run toward the band, she just kind of jumps around.

 

Next thing you know, a white stretch limo comes roaring in through the fog (which has also mysteriously suddenly appeared). The Quasimodo guy (who was driving it?) runs around to open the passenger door, and of course, you know it's Dave. Too good for a plain phone, too good for a horse. I know I sound like I'm being harsh on DLR, but if you read this at all regularly, you know the man is like my patron saint, so I say these things in love. 

Dave looks at everyone else in the band, then sort of makes this lascivious chin jerk at the camera. Even keeping as much of a straight face as he does in this video, Dave still manages to throw off a slutty vibe. Then he turns, somewhat alarmed. 

Why? Because we've hit what may be the weirdest part of the video. The untied woman runs toward him, and as she does, she pulls off her hair and headband — apparently it was a wig. Not only that, but her face is ghastly pale, and her eyes appear sunken. She walks toward the camera, smirks, and — so wait, is she dead? Is she a zombie? No wait, on closer examination — is that a dude? WTF is up with this video? 

So, so many questions, and basically no answers. If I had to put where I liked this video, I'd still put it behind the late version Roy Orbison made (since obviously music videos weren't a thing in 1964), but well ahead of the Julia Roberts hooker-princess movie. 

P.S.: It was either this title or "Oh Bondage, Up Yours!", and quite frankly, I get enough hits from people searching for p*rn as it is.

Armored Saint, "Can U Deliver?"

Always Ask Before You Order!

THE VIDEO Armored Saint, "Can U Deliver?" March of the Saint, 1984, Chrysalis

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SAMPLE LYRIC "Not romance to mee-eeee / it's just the fever / here's your chance to pleeee-eeeease / can you deliver?"

THE VERDICT I was thinking I'd been doing too many videos lately where everyone is just dressed normal -- okay, either glam LA Guns and Kix normal, or Bon Jovi and Winger jeans, open-shirts and long hair normal. But you know what I mean: No costumes. No wizards, fire, or swords. Not that Kip Winger prancing around isn't hilariously bad, but you know, I was thinking more the stuff that's sort of stereotypically hilariously bad.

My thoughts turned naturally to Grim Reaper, but then I thought no, too easy. And I'm more in the mood for something that's endearingly cheesy. This led me to one of my favorites, Armored Saint. I've never liked the Anthrax albums where John Bush replaced Joey Belladonna, but not because I don't love John Bush's vocals (just listen to "No Reason to Live"! That song is a revelation. This is why Metallica went through a phase where they wanted him to replace James Hetfield, which I actually feel like would have worked). Anyway, in our original, non-alternate universe however, I simply prefer him in his natural habitat of LA-style NWOBHM (NWOLAHM?).

Which, as we see here, indeed involves homemade costumes -- Armored Saint literally "armored" themselves for years. I don't know if they built the cars and bikes themselves, but if I'm going to guess I'd have to say yes. Unless they borrowed them from Grim Reaper. Or Krokus.

Anyway! Out of the smog and smoke come the brothers Sandoval, riding a giant station wagon with the back cut out and a large potato gun attached. John Bush walks out of some shrubs wearing a shroud, and Dave Pritchard is on a foil-bedecked motorcycle. Joey Vera just walks up... umm, ok. One way or another, they all make it to the same place as the sun comes from behind some smoky clouds, and as they stand in a circle lightning strikes repeatedly.



And then this video only keeps getting more awesome. The eponymous iron saint -- basically a knight -- appears in the clouds overhead, and unsheaths his sword. It's like a cross between the Gumby cartoons where they summon the rain spirits, and the Gumby cartoons where they are in medieval times. This falls to earth in a bolt of lightning, and then sticks in the ground all Excalibur style. As it glows and turns purple (and the knight/saint looks on from the sky), all of the band members grab onto it, looking around in disbelief. Did I mention all of them are extremely dirty? Their faces are all smeared with dirt.

The camera falls on John Bush last, and when it pulls back we see that he's actually grabbing a microphone, because the song is finally starting. The band is playing in a club-like set (in terms of size), though the decor is weird (and possibly made of cardboard). There's some kind of maybe goat's head type thing hanging above Gonzo. Everyone in the audience is doing the kind of synchronized, fists-raised headbanging that screams "I've been doing this all day for $4 an hour plus lunch" (i.e., they are extras). Plus some costume designer has put basically the same studded wristband on like half of them, and the crowd appears to be about four people deep.

For the line "do you know what love means?" we get to see a blonde chick in the audience. She looks like a grown-up version of the little girl from that Art of Noise video. Oh wow, as they pan over the audience more, we can see that in the purest early 80s metal video style, they've given the women in the crowd makeup halfway between Les Mis and Cats. Oh wow! That one kid is like 12! Seriously, what is going on here.



I will tell you what's going on: awesome costumes, crazy eye makeup, guitar face, hair flinging, fist pumping; really, if we could just add some fire, and maybe a dragon, or like a monster alien thing, and we'd have everything we could ever want in a video from 1984. Like I said above, the over-the-top-ness combined with the sincerity of it all is what makes this stuff great. All the squatting and synchronized guitar movements -- it's just deliciously camp.

Video aside, the lyrics to this song are dead cheesy -- okay, maybe it's just for everything good I said about John Bush above, I have to say his delivery in this song is a bit cheese. It's mostly just, I can never hear the chorus without thinking about calling a pizza place, or getting Chinese food, and imagining myself singing into the phone, "Here's your chance to pleee-eeease, can you deliver?"

Also -- allow me a bit of a digression here -- it warmed my heart to see this was put out on Chrysalis. Remember back when there were more than three major labels? I always remember being fond of the Chrysalis logo, with the little butterfly. Who knows what happened to them. (Okay, I looked it up, they were sold to EMI in 1991 and folded in 2005. EMI, of course, is one of the four major music companies still in existence.) Lucky for us, we still have Metal Blade (albeit as a subsidiary for one of the big boys), who discovered these lads in the first place anyway.

This leads me to a second (brief) tangent -- why on earth haven't the Metal Massacre albums been rereleased in some kind of super deluxe boxed set? Those are simply screaming for it. There's one from 11 years ago selling used on Amazon starting at almost $200, but come on, make a new one, throw in a DVD or something like that. A book!! Pleeeease a book. I would buy it. And if you're reading this, chances are you would too. Or you know me in real life, and know this would make a great gift for me. Let's do this.

Mötley Crüe, "Looks That Kill"

Possibly the Quintessential 80s Metal Video

THE VIDEO Mötley Crüe, "Looks That Kill," Shout at the Devil, 1983, Elektra

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SAMPLE LYRIC "She's got the looks that kill! / that kiiiiiiiiiii-iiiiillllllllllllllllllll / she's got the looks that kill! / that kiiiiiiiiiii-iiiiillllllllllllllllllll / [she's! got! the! looks! that kill! / she's! got! the! looks! that kill!]"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION Wide-eyed women dressed in pseudo-futuristic cave gear appear behind a wall of rock. They look back and forth rapidly in a manner similar to that of my dog when she thinks I might drop food, then begin to climb over the wall. Clad in rags, the two (a brunette followed by a blonde) join several more in a small, rocky clearing and appear ready to begin some kind of interpretive dance.

We cut away from them to see the four members of the Crüe, backlit and holding torches which then spark and light themselves. As the torches begin to burn, we see the light reflected on the faces of the women, who begin to panic. Okay, or make panicked expressions. The Mötley boys break from their poses and bring the torches down lower (lighting their faces a little) and begin waving them around. This causes the women to break it down like a bunch of Sarah Lawrence dance majors, if you see what I'm saying. They all stand together in a group and collapse while making jazz hands. As they do so, the camera zooms up and right toward a particular blonde.

Nikki Sixx walks down a hallway that's part rock, part the kind of railing used in high schools and Miami condos. Cut to Vince Neil, seen almost over the shoulder as he checks out some rocks with his torch. Next Tommy Lee, who appears to be somewhere a bit darker and spookier, kind of swivels his hips and makes an assertive hand gesture. Mick Mars, as per usual, gets the shaft.

Turns out Tommy was signaling the rest of the gang to wave their torches at the ladies, causing them to scatter somewhat artfully. Nikki squats and brandishes his torch as the women scream, Vince keeps them moving, then Tommy performs a lift with an especially supply young lass, spinning her around on his hip a la Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing.

As the Crüe advance, even Mick gets in on the action. They eventually corral the women into a well, corral and continue holding up their torches while they fence them in. For reasons unclear, we then watch each torch being carefully secured to a fencepost.



Their audience in place, the boys proceed to rock. First we see Vince, looking the fittest he's ever looked in his life. It's not just the painted-on lavender cheekbones, in this rare case Neil is actually in fantastic shape. He's wearing a Mötley Crüe headband in his platinum locks, some kind of studded choker, and a silver and red studded um... it looks like a shoulder holster. He also has on many studded arm and wristbands plus little black fingerless gloves.

We check out Tommy briefly and next clearly see Nikki, in that classic shot of him rolling his head back and bugging his eyes out. He's wearing a skinny black headband plus a black studded dog collar, and he's also got on big earrings with crosses hanging from them and red and white cords of some description coming out of his hair. His top is very Road Warriors and also very The Road Warrior, with spiky shoulder pads and ripped stockings on his arms. He's got on his classic Shout at the Devil makeup too, with black streaks across both cheeks and red lips. The more faces he makes, the more dry ice they pile on behind him.

Next we see Mick. His hair is teased to perfection as he brandishes his guitar, and he's wearing a black shiny shirt with torn up sleeves. He also has on a headband (red, to match his lips), and extra-creepy fake cheekbones drawn on. Then we finally sort of clearly see Tommy. He's headbanging away so he's a little hard to make out, but he's wearing a red and black striped studded shirt, a white headband, lots of makeup (eyeliner, lipstick, and the requisite bdouble cheek stripe).

The women look on in agony, one of them even bent over on the ground. The camera zooms in on her dirty hand, then moves over to some reflective liquid above which stand the Crüe, who are all wearing high-heeled boots a la Kiss. The camera moves upward till Nikki, Vince, and Mick (all singing) come more clearly into view. The camera then pulls back, revealing that they're playing in a rubble-strewn, concrete area bounded by fog and what looks like gasoline spilled on the ground but is probably just paint or something.

Vince writes around almost stripper-like, enjoying his fleeting hotness, as the band rocks out. The camera then pans up Nikki as he bangs his head, showing off his torn-to-pieces black shirt. Very bondage chic. Vince does a very David Lee Roth-esque spin, then as he sings "the clock strikes midnight," Tommy hits a big bell. We watch Tommy drum very enthusiastically for a moment, then see Nikki making more cool faces.



After a shot of Tommy from above, Vince sets aside his mic and he, Nikki, and Mick approach the cage. They taunt the women and again, the gals make the faces my dog makes while I'm eating popcorn. Vince regains his mic as a wind machine kicks up, and a better shot of Mick than we had before reveals that he's also wearing some serious leather strappage. Vince sticks his face in the cage, which makes them go nuts, and Nikki vamps some more.

Suddenly, a big square thing appears, surrounded by tons of fog. The wind blows back Vince's majestic mane and causes tumbleweed to roll across the ground. Blocks of crap fall out of the sky, and a piece of fabric falls onto one of the women's face. Lights flash as all the women in the cage thrash about, then as one of them looks up, screaming, the block begins to fall away to reveal... Tia Carrere! No, it's Kimora Lee Simmons!

No, I don't know who it is, but basically it's like the queen babe. She has giant black hair and is wearing an enormous headpiece, a costume that reminds me of the one chick in He-Man, and is carrying a large shield. She also has like a crossbow type thing attached to her left arm. The band backs off and the women scream as she jumps down and poses. She uses her wrist thing to shoot a ton of sparks at the band, but Mick catches it with his guitar.

This greatly displeases the babe leader, and she makes a scary face. Mick, however, makes the most guitar face I've ever seen him make. Next, the babe pulls one of the torches off of the fence, throwing it onto a pile of rocks which it inexplicably ignites. She then sets the other women free, and they jump off and frolic about like extras in Cats. Nikki makes guitar faces in front of the fire, but it's all in vain, they've already been freed.

Two of the women kneel and hand their leader her shield. They then run away modern-dance style as she raises her wrist thing again. Before she can hit them though, Tommy's bass drum launches a giant spinning pentagram at her. It lands in the middle of her shielf, causing all of its points to shoot out sparks. As the sparks die, Vince tries to approach her but she shuns his advances. She looks over her shoulder coyly and leads him to wall, which she leans against, but when he tries to put his hand to her face she jerks away from him and smacks him in the face.

She saunters away and winds up in a room with a black and pink floor and walls on either side of foot-long spikes with lots and lots of fog coming out between them. Nikki and Tommy appear on either side of her, blocking her way out, but then she lays back on the spikes. As they reach in and grab her, she sinks into the spikes then slides down, evading their grasp. They turn and look after her as she crouches and then leaps sideways on all fours.



She then looks surprised, and we see Mick making a scream-y face, then Tommy looking pensive, then Vince pouting, and lastly Nikki bugging his eyes. Yes, it's move Poison will perfect -- showing every member of your band just when the video's about to end in a 'meet the band' sequence -- and yes, I frickin' love it. We then go from Nikki playing to Tommy drumming to Vince and Mick singing (even though he gets cut out of a lot of the action in this video, Mick still is like 10x as active in this video as he is in any other Crüe vid).

From overhead, we see the boys all join hands, encircling the head babe. They raise their fists, causing blue light and white smoke to pour in. The band are immersed in both momentarily, then their images fade away to reveal a flaming pentragram on the ground. The pentagram continues to glow as we see Nikki and Vince singing, then we begin zooming in toward it as we see Tommy drumming and finally, Vince and Mick singing before the screen behind the pentagram goes black.

THE VERDICT Clearly, I needed an antidote to my recent overexposure to Winger, and what better solution than some SATD-era Mötley Crüe. It's the best of times, isn't it? They still retain the all red and black leather all the time look of Too Fast For Love, but their signature sound is fully in place. So hot. I mean, they look great up until about "Dr. Feelgood," but this is definitely their best. And honestly, I find the pseudo-satanic thing suits them well. It's a little bit badass, but since they don't take it as far as W.A.S.P., it's just a style thing, not a way of life.

And this video has it all. Women are imprisoned, then attack. Costumes reference both Les Mis and Mad Max, two heavy metal classics. Also, tbe fight scene where their music helps them launch their attack is incomparable. I love it!

Not to mention the women in the video. I don't know who was directing them, but props to that person. Compared to these gals, the extras in "Rock You Like a Hurricane" were frickin' asleep. Between all the wild eyes, the jazz hands, and the ballet-inspired leaping about, there's nothing these girls can't do. I hope they at least got to make out with P.A.'s.

Queensryche, "Queen of the Reich"

Team Queensryche World Police

THE VIDEO Queensryche, "Queen of the Reich," Queensryche, 1983, EMI America

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SAMPLE LYRIC "There is no escayyy-ape / it's the ending of your / precious li-iiife / your soul slipped awayyy-ay / it belongs / to the Queen of the Reiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiich"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION Prepare yourself for a little story from the "Tales of Queensryche" -- in fact, the Queensryche creation myth of sorts. This video starts off with a Star Wars style intro that I could skip over -- but I could also quote the entire thing, leaving all of their weird line breaks and capitalizations intact! The only change I've made is that well, the writing on the screen is in red with a black shadow, and unlike Star Wars, it's all for whatever reason (lack of actual computer technology?) left-aligned.

"In The Millenium After / The 4th Great War / The World Was In / Chaos. / An Evil Adventurer / Had Discovered An / Ancient Computer / Energized By A Crystal / So Powerful That It / Enabled Her to Enslave / The World And To / Become Queen... / "Queen Of The Reich." / Many Tried To Destroy / The Queen And Failed / Only To Be / Absorbed / Into Her Computer / Shrine. / Mankind's Last Hope / Was The Five Freedom / Fighters..."

While this is going on there's of course, mad guitars and a lot of stuff moving around behind a heavy fog. The first real thing we see is the band, spinning around on some kind of rock pyre while Geoff Tate screams, and then Geoff Tate's scream becomes the Queen's scream, as she clutches he big computer head. Who is the Queen of the Reich? (Other than an evil adventurer). Well, as best as I can tell, she's a leggy brunette who favors red lipstick and a giant metal half-helmet with a Cyclops-style single eye slit. She finishes off her look with a low-cut, midriff-baring silver bustier with linebacker-style silver shoulder pads.

She's watching various enslaved peoples on her ancient computer shrine (which appears to have a giant flat screen!) when she spots the Queensrychers, whom she asks the computer to identify (which it does, nothing their full names and instruments played, using that amazing super 80s computer font in green). Let it be noted also that the rest of the computer, which is probably supposed to look like it's made of crystals but was probably actually made from someone's old Habitrail, appears to be a bong. Or perhaps a superbong made from many, many other bongs.

Anyway, as Queensryche whoop it up on a very misty soundstage, the computer "runs identification" on them. She's like "uh-uh," and while they're walking around in a misty, spiky sort of future forest, she sends some equally spiky-looking robot monster things after them. They fight by sort of falling on each other, and then the monsters drag everyone but Geoff down into a hole of some sort, and he's all like, "nooooo!"

The monsters bring them down to the Queen, who's been flipping channels on her super computer between what's going on and the band performing the song. She takes a look at all of them and her Cyclops thingy just lights right up. She's got again, what looks like a bong in her hand, and as she waves it at each band member, they either turn into aluminum foil or, more likely, turn into being covered with foil (it's hard to tell what exactly happens, but suffice it to say foil is definitely involved). The whole time this is going on, Queensryche's really rocking out back on the soundstage.



The dual guitar solos wake Geoff Tate up, and he's all "dude, what happened?" but then he gets it together and gets up. He manages to successfully open a door in a chain-link fence, then he's in this spooky hallway. He runs and hides just as the (inevitable) monsters that look like obese worms (what, was this a cheap costume to rent or make or something? This monster is in like every video) are bringing a (also inevitable) comely female prisoner down the hall. He kicks and zaps the monsters, then kneels to help the scantily clad damsel. But the Queen is watching, and as he and the girl make their way between the papier-mâché walls, she is suddenly turned into a sort of robot monster thing. Oh no!

The two start to tangle, and next thing you know they're in the Queen's throne room (or at least her computer nook). She zaps him with a laser, but then he uses some foil to reflect her laser and zap her back (the oldest trick in the book! See "The Mystery of the Lizard Men"). Geoff quickly runs over and like, touches all the bongs (he doesn't really do anything to them, the effect is more like he's playing Simon), allowing all of his bandmates to be released from their foil-covered fate. The Queen apparently frozen, they all high-five each other.

Oh, but is she frozen? They walk back, and she's like, moving her fingers around and stuff, so Geoff decides to remove her robo-helmet. What's under it? We'll never know (because we don't see it), but it gives off a blinding light and a strong wind (or possibly a strong scent, based on some of their faces!). The video tells us it's "To be continued..." then we see a shot of the band members backlit and that "Tales of Queensryche" logo again.

THE VERDICT Well. If you were expecting "Silent Lucidity" or "Jet City Woman," this one's kind of a surprise. Who knew Queensryche were so, well, cheesy? The name was always a hint, and this video finally explains what it was hinting at. Which is why I love it. I mean, the fact that there is a Queen of the Reich is pretty amazing, as is the whole in the future but found an ancient computer thing. And are their really more Tales of Queensryche? I have to plead ignorance on this one -- while I'm sure there are like, a bajillion videos between this one and Operation Mindcrime, I've never seen them. (On a side note, I wonder if Angelina Jolie would be willing to play the Queen if this got a big-budget remake. On another side note, how bummed was I that the Queensryche "playing Operation Mindcrime in its entirety" show totally did not come anywhere near me? SO bummed.)

In an effort to speak more coherently about why I like this video: It brings together so, so many of the tropes seen in early 80s metal videos. First, hot woman as enslaver. Like the women in "Rock You Like a Hurricane," "Into the Fire," and "Looks That Kill," the Queen might be hot, but she's basically looking to tie them up (and not that kind of "tie them up"). Even the damsel in distress who shows up toward the end winds up being a threat. As I've mentioned with other videos, this is really common during what I consider to be metal's 'preadolescent' years.

Second, there's the idea of the whole band (not just the lead singer, although everyone but Tate does manage to get covered in foil pretty early on) as actors and as driving the plot of the video. The sort of unspoken idea here is that the guys have gotta stick together to throw off possible enslavement by robobabes.

Third, of course there's the sci-fi dystopian future run by robots/computers (an obvious concern in the early 80s) -- and this is the coolest one this side of "The Last in Line." And lastly, you've got to love the "special effects," from the turning into foil to the lasers. I'm obsessed. Not since Ed Wood have people tried so hard using so little.