L.A. Guns, "The Ballad of Jayne"

What a Shame...  

THE VIDEO L.A. Guns, "The Ballad of Jayne," Cocked & Loaded, 1989, Polydor 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Now it all seems funny / kinda lahk a dream / things ain't always what they seem / what a shayyyy-ayyyy-aaaaaame / what happened to Jay-ayne" 

  

THE VERDICT What is it about metal bands and ill-fated blondes? Actually, I guess I shouldn't ask what it is about metal bands. I mean sure, there are metal songs about everyone from Marilyn Monroe to Edie Sedgwick. But it's more of an American phenomenon. We're sort of obsessed. Still, these gals seem to have a real hold on metal bands. I don't know much about them, but my guess is that given metal's previous track record, Steel Panther are currently working on a song about Anna Nicole Smith (and be forewarned, that last link is way more depressing than titillating). 

 

But of course you know L.A. Guns aren't going to say the umpteenth goodbye to Norma Jean. Instead, they go with Jayne Mansfield, who was sort of the Anna Nicole Smith of her day. I had never heard of her until I was in high school, when I checked out a book from the public library called The Encyclopedia of Bad Taste. If I am remembering correctly, Jayne had her own entry, but if not, she was definitely mentioned in the section on death cars. (I also remember this book as the first place I encountered the idea of "dancing water.") 

 

Does the video reference Jayne Mansfield at all? Weirdly no. We just get a couple of shots of a fairly generic-looking brunette walking around. But oh the place she's walking around! L.A. Guns have rented themselves the grounds of some ridiculous mansion (I'm bummed I've been unable to track down the exact location). 

They aren't anywhere near a house, but that doesn't mean they don't have a gazebo with a stained-glass roof, tons of stone lions and other various statuary, assorted topiaries, and a ginormous swimming pool with a tiled bottom. I should also mention that all of it is wrapped in enormous swags of red fabric.

 

Oh yeah, and let's not forget the strings! You know a metal band is getting down to business when strings get involved. You'd think this would be a case where it's like, Guns N' Roses made it safe for everyone else, but this video pre-dates the Use Your Illusion albums and videos. Maybe Whitesnake made violins safe for metal. 

 

Anyway, they've got a good half-dozen or so super old white guys playing the strings on one side of the pool. Most notable is the one with the huuuuuge muttonchop sideburns and the handlebar moustache. Not sure what his deal is, but he's all over this video — he's in it way more than the foxy brunette, and probably than Mick Cripps too. 

 

Aesthetically though this video is such a sign of things to come, with the super-saturated, high-contrast colors. I've lately gotten really into the Instagram app, and this video reminds me of that — it's like they shot whole segments with the "Lomo-fi" filter. (Okay, really, they probably shot it with whatever lomo-fi is meant to imitate.) But really, it's impressive that this video is still technically in the 80s, 'cause this is kind of where everyone's heading. Maybe the L.A. Guns made Yves Klein blue safe for everyone! 

Okay, but let's talk about the other aesthetic elements of this video. L.A. Guns look less badass here than they do in their other videos, but they still bring it, especially my fave Kelly Nickels. The little black leather gloves and mirrored glasses are really working with his sassy bass moves. 

Phil Lewis is commendable in this video, too, though. He doesn't often look good (e.g., when he's wearing the weird kimono-type top), but when he does look good, he looks very, very good. Yes, you know what I'm talking about. When he's all shirtless with the roses. This is a look I can get behind!

 

Unlike yes, the beginning of the video, where he's stuck partway between the Mad Hatter as played by Tom Petty and Kate Hudson's ex Black Crowes' lead singer Chris Robinson.

 

Steve Riley, of course, not so much. I really like that his bass drum just says "Steve Riley." He's not that famous of a drummer. It's more that it feels like he's too temporary to get an actual L.A. Guns logo on his bass. Also, he apparently got the memo that everyone was supposed to dress in red, black, or denim, but decided that a red cowboy shirt was the right way to go. Oh Steve. 

This is a weird song, in that it's a little bit of a snoozefest, but at the same time it's an exceptional vocal from Phil Lewis. And the harmonies they do, especially in the final verse, are gorgeous. Phil seems like he's really into it in the video too, leaning on Tracii and really belting it out. 

I know, I know, a bunch of other times he's just sitting around in a stupid hat staring at falling rose petals. But the other times guys, the other times! 

So why'd I pick this video for this week? Well, it's gonna sound kind of morbid, but I just can't shake Jani Lane from my mind, and it's not much of a stretch to change this song into "The Ballad of Jani." Yeah, he was older than me, but he was just so... not old. And unlike say, Kevin DuBrow, he didn't have an extensive resume of substance abuse. Or at least, no more than your average rock n roller. I just keep thinking about it. 

It's cliche to say Jani's death makes me reflect on and appreciate life more (a lot of other stuff has gone on much closer to me this year that has made me think about that). But still, it's kind of true — it just feels like such a waste. I mean we're talking about the man who wrote "Cherry Pie"! We're just not about to get another "Cherry Pie." Everyone else is freaking out about Steve Jobs, and don't get me wrong, I love my iMac, numerous iPods, and iPhone... but I mean come on you guys, it's Cherry effing Pie!

Dokken, "The Hunter"

Happy Birthday to Me!  

THE VIDEO Dokken, "The Hunter," Under Lock and Key, 1985, Elektra 

  

SAMPLE LYRIC "I'm a hunterrrrrr / searchin' for love / on these lonely streets / uh-gaaaaaaaaaaaiiiin"

  

THE VERDICT Well, this is the closest Thursday to my birthday this year, so I'm giving myself — finally — this long-delayed video, for what may well be my all-time favorite metal song. Yeah, I said it. I'm not 100% sure, but I'm close. And regardless, as we'll see in a minute, it contains my favorite moment in the history of heavy metal videos. 

 

Why did I take so long to get around to "The Hunter"? Well one, I was saving it for a special occasion. 

But two, when I first started this blog, I did sooo much Dokken. It was kind of a Dokken overdose. I can't help it, I love them. But in any event, my overindulgence circa 2004-5 meant that once I got more serious about blogging, I had to really mete out my servings of Dokken, making them fewer and further between so that I could get to other bands (and I know, I still have plenty I haven't even gotten to yet!). 

But when it came to this year's birthday post, I decided it was time. This video is one of my favorites. It's just unbelievably stylish, with all the detail shots of their clothes and of the guys hanging out. 

It is the best use of the Kim Anderson effect of any metal video I would say — and yes, faithful readers will remember that by "Kim Anderson effect" I mean not the rock video girl from "Girlschool" but the whole taking-a-black-and-white-image-and-just-coloring-in-some-parts-of-it thing like in the other Kim Anderson's cheesy photos. 

It's in a zillion videos, but "The Hunter" is like a master class in it, especially when they do the little sort of stop-motion sequences of photos like the meet the band sequence at the beginning.

 

Though most of the video is the stop-motion-y Kim Anderson effect stuff, which is basically the band playing in some kind of rehearsal space, the rest of "The Hunter" involves giving each member of Dokken his own plot. This is always a good video strategy for bands whose members don't get along, as they don't have to spend too much time on set together. 

The "plot" parts of the video are filmed in color, so they're visually very separate from the other stuff. Oh right, except for Mick's, which for some reason is in grainy black and white. He always gets the short end of the stick in Dokken videos. 

  

George Lynch and Don Dokken get pretty similar plots, which is fitting — they're always on the same wavelength I feel like, just not with each other. But we follow George as he drives a red sportscar (I want to say a Ferrari) around a city at night (probably L.A.), and Don as he rides a motorcycle in the city during the day and then in the desert. 

I know this is mean, but seriously, Don should not have picked a plot that was going to blow his hair around so much. It's like when Shawn Michaels wrestles and his ponytail gets out of whack and suddenly you realize he's actually pretty bald. 

I should just get this out of my system now — oh my dear lord does George Lynch look hotttttt in this video. I can't even deal. Pre-body building, pre-tattoos, long hair... I am swooning right now. He has that like perfect lanky build, and he's rocking the loose tank top and leather pants look to the hilt. When he does things like lie down on his side and prop his head up on one elbow, seriously guys, it's almost too much. 

 

Don on the other hand... well, we all know as a Lynch partisan, I'm not very interested in Don. He has stubble in this video, which is a bit of a departure for him since he usually looks very cleaned up (and besides, if you had time to put on eyeliner, you had time to shave). I will give him props though on the loose, Miami Vice-style blazer during the performance scenes. That's a good look. 

Mick Brown has the sort of least-involved plot — it's basically just him hanging out at a dive bar. Though I know George and Don are driving around "on the lonely streets, uh-gaaaaaiiinnnn," I feel like Mick is the one who seems the most like he's "searchin' for love." I don't know if he'll find it in places like this, but hopefully whatever he does find is treatable. 

Also, following Mick shows us that we are indeed in LA — most of the signs for bars and stuff are hard to read, but at one point a bus rolls by with a KBIG FM 104 ad on its side. If that weren't enough evidence, he strolls down the Hollywood Walk of Fame, too. 

Jeff Pilson has the most involved plot by far. It also comes the closest to involving hunting of any sort. Jeff is for some reason caged, then released into the woods to be chased by a large crowd of burly, bearded, flannel-shirt wearing men with torches and baseball bats. And dogs. And dogs. Mmmmmm-kayyyyy. Jeff actually has to get his leather pants dirty, running through a stream and stuff to try to evade them.

 

But here's where this gets even weirder (and more topical) — in one shot, we see that the little wooden crate they have him locked in has "PMRC" written on it. Unabbreviated, that's the Parents Music Resource Center. 

Doesn't this mean he should've been being chased through the woods by like, a bunch of senators and Tipper Gore, rather than a bunch of lumberjacks? One would think so. It's an odd touch, and the one time where Dokken try to make any kind of political point or express any type of stance on topics other than like, relationships, in any of their videos. 

Almost every part of this video is just gorgeous. They actually get pretty creative with a lot of the shots, really doing a nice job of framing the band in visually appealing ways (and no, I don't just mean by showing plenty of George!). 

In fact, this video doesn't actually show that much George. During the solo, instead of a photo montage of him, we see a photo montage of his guitars. And his plot sequence is mostly just the top of his head from the back. 

But let us not forget — dant-da-da-da! — my all-time favorite moment in the history of heavy metal videos. It's such a little thing, but yep, its about a minute and a half in, when Don sings "but then it comes to me!", George hits a big guitar note, and Jeff Pilson does this totally badass rockstar jump. 

One minute he's just playing, the next minute he leaps in place, before you know it, he's landed. It's so small, but it's so visually striking, and punctuates that point in the song perfectly. Bravo, Jeff. That's the perfect gift for me.