Europe, "Cherokee"

How the West Was... What?! THE VIDEO Europe, "Cherokee," The Final Countdown, 1986, Epic Click here to watch this video NOW! SAMPLE LYRIC "Chero-keeeeeeee! / OH! / Riding on the trail of tears! / Cher-o-keeee-eeeee / OH! / Riding on the tra-aiill of teeeears!" THE VERDICT This Thanksgiving, let us be thankful for many things. Our friends, our families, and our health, sure. But also, let us be thankful for the internet, and things like YouTube and Vh1 Classic, that let us relive those metal memories that so few of us thought to commit to VHS (or Betamax!) at the time. I remember fantasizing that such a thing might exist when I was younger, and dismissing these hypotheticals as improbable in my lifetime, if not impossible. And yet here I am, having come a long way since my first foray onto the Internet circa 1994-1995 (I went to Yahoo! and searched "music." The top hit at the time was Addicted to Noise). I mean shoot, a mere ten years after that, I had this blog. And every year that I've maintained this blog (let us think not on the dark times of 2007-2008), it gets more and more do-able. You don't even want to know what I had to do to get my hands on digital versions of music videos in 2004. Suffice to say it wasn't easy, and I didn't exactly have my choice of what I could cover. And now, here we are, Thanksgiving 2009, and I have my choice of turkey day-related fare. Now admittedly, we have to take "related" with a grain of salt here, as there aren't exactly metal songs about pilgrims or puritans (unless maybe you count songs about witch burnings, though I've always interpreted "Am I Evil?" as taking place in medieval Europe rather than colonial New England). However, we have a veritable cornucopia of songs about native Americans, or, as every single one of these songs refers to them, Indians. Taking a liberal interpretation, I've opted to go with Europe's "Cherokee" this Thanksgiving. I know, I know -- this is a song about events that happened nearly 200 years after the first Thanksgiving. But just listen to the drums or Joey Tempest's hearty "ohhhh-ohhhhhh-ooooohoooohhhhhh-ohhh-ohhh!" at the beginning of this song and try to tell me you don't enjoy it. The closest to not enjoying this I'll allow is "guilty pleasure." I mean yes, there are many reasons to hate Europe (the band, not the continent!). Like Krokus before them, the purely pragmatic (and certainly not artistic!) switch from prog rock to metal. Joey Tempest's total lack of grace about said switch and avowed love of money. Admittedly, this makes it hilarious to read old reader letters in Circus or Hit Parader following any interview with him -- his complete and utter lack of artifice, his inability to articulate being in it for anything but the money really brings out the haters. Plus it's always funny to read who readers think is not in it for the money. And of course, lest we forget, the perms, wide-neck shirts, necklaces, and constant goofy faces. And the keytar! Keytar!! Europe aren't afraid to put their keyboard player in their videos (unlike, say, Cinderella), but they go one step further than Bon Jovi and give him a KEYTAR. And in this video, they prominently display that keytar all over an impressive-looking American western landscape, as this video bizarrely recreates (like the song) the removal in the 1830s of five native American tribes (including the Cherokee, who I think became most strongly associated with this by the fact that almost a third of them died) from the southeast to... Oklahoma. Yes, the dust bowl. Not the epic, southwestern landscape depicted here. Look, they're Swedish, we can't expect them to get everything right. I mean, think of their countrymen (and women) in ABBA -- "Fernando" isn't exactly a documentary about the Mexican-American War either. Wait, why are all these Swedish bands writing songs about American history? This video begins with the afore-mentioned drums and screaming. We see a man and woman straight out of a Stetson ad setting up camp next to their SUV (a Jeep Cherokee?). The members of Europe rock out on the hills above them, getting close-ups mainly of Joey's over-emoting and fist pumping. Everyone except Joey pretty much gets backlit throughout this entire video, so it's hard to tell anyone else apart what with the identical perms. Joey's favorite move involves planting his feet, knees bent, and then wiggling his hips while leaning back and shaking his fists. We then see footsteps mysteriously appearing in the ground, and the man has apparently left the camp site to sit by himself in the desert reading a Time-Life book about native Americans. The woman looks around like she sees something, and then suddenly we do -- ghost indians!! On ghost horses, no less. This reminds me of one of the scariest things I've ever read -- the short story "Ghost Dance" by Sherman Alexie. (It's in this quite good compilation if you want to read it.) It's unclear why the ghosts on horses are semi-opaque, but whoever's making the footprints is invisible, but just go with it. As the sun sets, the woman for whatever reason decides it's a good time to check how she looks in a hand mirror she's conveniently placed near their camp fire. What is this!? War paint has suddenly appeared on her cheeks! (That or she didn't pick up the mirror till after she'd finished her makeup. That or she's a big Nikki Sixx fan.) She spins around, and suddenly the ghosts on horses have gotten a lot less opaque. We also see a semi-gratuitous shot of a scorpion (the insect, not the German band). Oh snap! The non-opaque types on horses appear to be -- umm -- from far away they look like conquistadors, but closer up we see they're US soldiers. They're coming closer, causing the guy to drop his book and run away. This leads up to the main action, which is punctuated by all the members of Europe raising their fists for a big "OH!" If you thought you couldn't get a good look at the other members of the band before, now they're playing in the dark next to the camp fire. And you can just guess who gets to stand close enough to the fire to actually be visible. The woman is standing in the campsite all nervous and in the dark, and somehow, in twilight, the soldiers and indians converge and do battle at their campsite. A tipi has appeared amidst all this, and big moments in the guitar and keytar solos keep causing explosions to happen. The man's back, and he and the woman hide behind the Jeep to watch all this. Also let me mention that even though when they show all of Europe it's night, both the guitarist and the keytarist keep getting to play right in front of the battle where it's dusk. Also seriously, where are all these explosions coming from? Their increasing intensity seems to cause all the members of Europe to coordinate their pelvic thrusting and slow head-banging. The combat goes on for an incredibly long time, but eventually, we see that it's morning again and all the ghosts are gone. The tipi has somehow had only it's cloth bits burned off, and the man and woman apparently spent the entire night awake and crouching beside the Jeep. They stand up and peer over it, only to see... Europe, silhouetted on a hillside. Even without the ghosts, this video's ridiculous, and has nothing to do with the Cherokees. It takes place in the southwest, which has nothing to do with the Trail of Tears, and the native Americans they show appear to be Plains indians. However, it must be said that I am guilty of the same, as I am using this crazy, inaccurate version of American history for my own crazy, inaccurate celebration of Thanksgiving. Does this mean I am thankful for the US government's legacy of horrific policies toward native Americans? No. Does this mean I am thankful for Europe (again, band not continent)? Yes. Let's face it. Much like ABBA before them and Ace of Base after, these Swedes make completely bizarre songs (e.g. "All That She Wants" -- if that's all she wants, why not a sperm bank?) that are, nonetheless, relentlessly catchy. Keytar or no, I can listen to every song on this album again and again. And I can really belt along with the lyrics too, which is definitely enjoyable in certain contexts (the shower, long drives). You want to hate it, but something about it just eats its way into your brain, and once there, propagates like something out of the Twilight Zone (or technically The Night Gallery). And next thing you know, you're listening to Out of this World. Even the haters at allmusic like them -- "You could live without The Final Countdown, but why?" -- proving Europe to be, if you'll pardon a truly grotesque simile, the smallpox-laden blankets of heavy metal. The second you accept them, it's already too late.

Pretty Boy Floyd, "Rock N Roll"

Send in the Clones

THE VIDEO Pretty Boy Floyd, "Rock N Roll (Is Gonna Set the Night on Fire)", Leather Boyz with Electric Toyz, 1989, MCA

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SAMPLE LYRIC "Let me take you one step higher / rock 'n' roll is gonna set the night on fire / rock 'n' roll is gonna set the night on fire / yeah"

THE VERDICT Why is it that ever since "Rock and Roll All Nite" (personally one of my least favorite KISS songs), every band has to make a song that is a tribute to, well, rocking? Think about it: "The Right to Rock" (Keel), "I Wanna Rock" (Twisted Sister), "Rock Rock! ('Til You Drop)" (Def Leppard). And generally, the weaker the band, the goofier the song, and the harder they seem to feel they have to convince you of their ability to rock -- viz. the Vinnie Vincent Invasion's "Boyz Are Gonna Rock."

Pretty Boy Floyd is one of those bands where you know a label thought "well we'll just sign ten of these and see what sticks." They managed to make a surprising number of videos from this album before being unceremoniously dropped by MCA, and this near-success may have helped them to reunite nearly ten years later for album #2. In spite of giving their first effort three stars, All Music describes Leather Boyz with Electric Toyz as "definitely a CD to avoid." (Though let me also mention it doesn't have their one pretty good song, "Shut Up," which is too bad.)



Like Trixter, Pretty Boy Floyd suffer from the disjuncture between the Good Guy and the Bad Boy. However, they have the opposite version: Bad Boy image, Good Guy lyrics. Gangster references and black leather aside, PBF have Good Guy lyrics -- just listen to "I Wanna Be With You." It's about dating a girl in high school, for pete's sake! And to clarify, this is not in the Winger sense -- this is while you yourself are in high school. Again, this is not a Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused situation.

And yet, right around this same time, guitarist Kristy 'Krash' Majors appeared on Donahue in an amazing "Rockers and Their Moms" episode (that sadly, PBF themselves have had yanked from YouTube!). I mean check out all the eyeliner on these guys. In terms of style, they are somewhere between the glam and biker quadrants (gosh, I think I need to chart this out somehow). PBF are not cute n' cuddly Bon Jovi types.

But at the same time, they're so... pretty. And shooting all their videos with all these saturated, high-contrast colors is doing them a lot of favors. If anyone should have learned a lesson from LA Guns videos, I mean, that was it. It makes the pale skin pop against all the waving ebony tresses and eyeliner. Also Steve 'Sex' Summers' hat is straight out of Phil Lewis' closet.



This is particularly the case with our vocalist Steve -- approximately half the shots in the video are close-ups of his face, hair, and lace-gloved right hand. Even though bassist Vinnie Chas is blond, it's really the instruments that allow us to tell the members of Pretty Boy Floyd apart from one another. Otherwise, for all four, the ingredients are as follows: Super-shiny hair (a lot of hot oil treatments for this band I'm thinking); tight black leather (though Steve gets some red); eyeliner (black); lipstick (red); hoop earrings (silver and large). They kind of come off less glam and more drag, since it's not that over-the-top -- PPF are probably closest in appearance to Lizzie Borden, whose vocalist was actually going for a drag look. Also worth mentioning is that minus the clean hair, this is pretty much how they dress Jenny on Gossip Girl.

The parts of the video that aren't close-ups of Steve's face are more or less a shot-for-shot remake of VVI's "Boyz Are Gonna Rock." Weirdo opening? Check. Increasing levels of guitar face and vocal histrionics? Check. Does the guitarist burn and smash his guitar? Check. Do we have a lot of pyro for the finale? Indeed we do.



The only real differences are less colorful outfits, as noted above, and a set that is more reminiscent of -- okay bear with me, but it reminds me of a combination of a Warrant stage set (platforms, band's name written really big) but with the band's name written more in the style of the vulgar tee shirts favored by the band's members (Jerry in "Big Talk," Jani in "Down Boys"). (On a related note, since no one in the fashion world can come up with anything new, this "Frankie Say Relax" / Wham! look has actually become a popular t-shirt style again thanks to the UK's House of Holland.)

Anyway, the stage is covered with the band's name written in big, white on black block letters. Someone should have thought harder about this set design, because since the word "Floyd" is on the actual part they can walk on, unless it's an overhead shot, all you can see is "Pretty Boy." This makes me think not of gangsters but of parrots. And yes, while obviously the main definition of this word involves colorful birds, "parrot" also means to "repeat mindlessly." Touché, set designer, touché.

Trixter, "Give It to Me Good"

Just Good Ol' Boys, Never Meanin' No Harm

THE VIDEO Trixter, "Give It to Me Good", Trixter, 1990, Mechanic/MCA

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SAMPLE LYRICS "So take me home tonight / like you know that you should / when you're ready to be bad / just give it! / give it to me good / (give it, give it) / give it to me good"

THE VERDICT I was in Seattle a couple of weeks ago and saw this CD in a $1 bin (technically it was a 92 cents bin, I think the 8 cents was tax) and didn't buy it. Even for a mere dollar, I just couldn't own a Trixter CD, even if it included this, their only real hit.

Why the anti-Trixter bias? Well, there's the obvious you-showed-up-to-this-party-six-years-late aspect. (Just because you got together in 1983 doesn't change the fact that your first album came out in 1990 -- and it's not like you hear old Trixter cuts on Metal Massacre.)

But more than that it's that I associate them with the other bands who also made this kind of derivative pop stuff with very bright, jangly guitar and got called metal because they had long hair and power ballads that appealed to the ladies -- think Bad English, Firehouse, and (shudder) Mr. Big. I definitely hate this song much less than I hate "When I See You Smile" or "When I Look into Your Eyes" (which are indeed not the same song), but that isn't saying much. I mean, a song like "To Be With You," makes me want to give up on music. Or long hair. Or both. He waited in a line to be with her? That's a little bit skeevy.



Also as long as I'm ranting: Bad English -- I mean for pete's sake, the singer is the "Missing You" guy and half the band was in Journey. "When I See You Smile" was written by the lady who brought us "Because You Loved Me" and "If I Could Turn Back Time." People, for the last time, long hair does not metal make! By comparison, this makes Kiss making records with Michael Bolton totally okay.

Anyway, I associate Trixter, fairly or not, with these bands who sort of come on the scene in the 90s and still have the long hair, but don't use any product and maybe pair it with flannel shirts (as if that's going to help their cred). In some ways, you can see this as an extension of the Bon Jovi/Def Leppard school of dressing like a regular guy who has a more elaborate than average grooming routine.

Actually this reminds me that I just finally got my hands on the book American Hair Metal (which I highly recommend for the ah-mazing photos), and it contains a pretty interesting and useful typology of this kind of metal. It breaks up glam/lyrical/lite/hair metal in four ways: Glam is the most obvious; colorful, over-the-top style (think Vinnie Vincent Invasion, early Crue, Poison). Frilly is sort of dandaical, adding in some lace and velvet and stuff (e.g. Britny Fox, older Cinderella, half the members of Faster Pussycat). Biker is less makeup, more leather and tattoos, lots of black (so LA Guns, later Motley Crue, the other half of Faster Pussycat).

Trixter fall into the fourth category, Heart throb (as do bands like Bon Jovi and Winger) -- guys you'd meet at the mall. Yes, there's long hair, but they're wearing jeans and loose-fitting shirts with pushed-up sleeves a la Sonny Crockett. Cute, non-threatening (except for Kip Winger), these are guys you could fantasize about, if not bringing home to your mom, then being the kind of nice guy who'd want to meet your mom.



And indeed, the whole point of this video seems to be to demonstrate that Trixter are precisely these kinds of guys. I don't even mean the song, with it's "take me home tonight, like you know that you should" lyrics. I mean purely the video, which shows the band in all manner of regular guy fun and hijinks. From playing in the garage, we're taken to riding ATVs, touch football in the park with some Tiffani Amber Thiessen-esque girls, and hitting a Jersey diner (so far as I can tell, the aptly named Suburban Diner in their hometown of Paramus). And this is not to be outdone by the actual performance segments of the video: PJ Farley can not stop elaborately tossing his hair and Steve Brown sings along while making completely ridiculous faces the entire time.

The weirdest thing is, if you actually listen to the lyrics (especially the first verse), this song is kind of an ode to sluts. Ignore all the cutesy harmonizing -- "and that's all riiii-iiight / I'm just a man, baby" is in response to "got your fancy cars, and your diamond rings / you don't need a love to last." (Wait, is this an ode to cougars?)

Okay, I digress. But really, did all the starry-eyed girls dialing MTV back in the days of DIAL MTV because they thought Pete Loran was dreamy and they wanted to ride around in a Jeep with him actually listen to this? All this "always did things my own way" and "I'm gonna teach you a thing or two / hey girl, you got a lot to learn" sounds at best noncommital, at worst threatening.

(Also you'd better click on that link because it actually goes to a video of Pete and PJ ON DIAL MTV with the toothy John Norris!!! And here he is with 'Downtown' Julie Brown. Wow. The fact that he is actually posting these videos himself makes this even more amazing.)



I mean really, Trixter. Really. I'm sure you don't love being lumped in with all these pretty boy bands that actually feature fairly ugly dudes (again, Mr Big par exemple). I'm sure you want to party it up with Jack Daniels and Jack Russell. But when your music sounds like this, and your videos are like a live-motion version of Non-threatening Boys Magazine, it's not like people are even going to notice your macho lyrical posturing.

Especially when your videos feature you doing somersaults (in jams no less!), playing guitars with 'Slaughter' written on them, and repeatedly giving the camera the thumb's up. And dirtbikes! Seriously, what is the average age of the audience here? We see a silly photo shoot, we go to a diner -- don't get me wrong, you seem like nice guys having a good time (which we always know I like). So why write a song that implies anyone in this band is about to be "bad"? Or is going to show a woman anything more lascivious than (I'm going to guess here) chicken fighting.

I know I usually try not to be this harsh, but this video is testing my patience. It's like one of those bad early 90s college series books for girls (Sweet Valley University or Freshman Dorm) come to life. So listen to my blog, like you know that you should, and when you're ready to be less lame, then I'll hear it -- give me something good!

P.S.: Yes you were supposed to sing along for those last couple lines, thanks.

Armored Saint, "Can U Deliver?"

Always Ask Before You Order!

THE VIDEO Armored Saint, "Can U Deliver?" March of the Saint, 1984, Chrysalis

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SAMPLE LYRIC "Not romance to mee-eeee / it's just the fever / here's your chance to pleeee-eeeease / can you deliver?"

THE VERDICT I was thinking I'd been doing too many videos lately where everyone is just dressed normal -- okay, either glam LA Guns and Kix normal, or Bon Jovi and Winger jeans, open-shirts and long hair normal. But you know what I mean: No costumes. No wizards, fire, or swords. Not that Kip Winger prancing around isn't hilariously bad, but you know, I was thinking more the stuff that's sort of stereotypically hilariously bad.

My thoughts turned naturally to Grim Reaper, but then I thought no, too easy. And I'm more in the mood for something that's endearingly cheesy. This led me to one of my favorites, Armored Saint. I've never liked the Anthrax albums where John Bush replaced Joey Belladonna, but not because I don't love John Bush's vocals (just listen to "No Reason to Live"! That song is a revelation. This is why Metallica went through a phase where they wanted him to replace James Hetfield, which I actually feel like would have worked). Anyway, in our original, non-alternate universe however, I simply prefer him in his natural habitat of LA-style NWOBHM (NWOLAHM?).

Which, as we see here, indeed involves homemade costumes -- Armored Saint literally "armored" themselves for years. I don't know if they built the cars and bikes themselves, but if I'm going to guess I'd have to say yes. Unless they borrowed them from Grim Reaper. Or Krokus.

Anyway! Out of the smog and smoke come the brothers Sandoval, riding a giant station wagon with the back cut out and a large potato gun attached. John Bush walks out of some shrubs wearing a shroud, and Dave Pritchard is on a foil-bedecked motorcycle. Joey Vera just walks up... umm, ok. One way or another, they all make it to the same place as the sun comes from behind some smoky clouds, and as they stand in a circle lightning strikes repeatedly.



And then this video only keeps getting more awesome. The eponymous iron saint -- basically a knight -- appears in the clouds overhead, and unsheaths his sword. It's like a cross between the Gumby cartoons where they summon the rain spirits, and the Gumby cartoons where they are in medieval times. This falls to earth in a bolt of lightning, and then sticks in the ground all Excalibur style. As it glows and turns purple (and the knight/saint looks on from the sky), all of the band members grab onto it, looking around in disbelief. Did I mention all of them are extremely dirty? Their faces are all smeared with dirt.

The camera falls on John Bush last, and when it pulls back we see that he's actually grabbing a microphone, because the song is finally starting. The band is playing in a club-like set (in terms of size), though the decor is weird (and possibly made of cardboard). There's some kind of maybe goat's head type thing hanging above Gonzo. Everyone in the audience is doing the kind of synchronized, fists-raised headbanging that screams "I've been doing this all day for $4 an hour plus lunch" (i.e., they are extras). Plus some costume designer has put basically the same studded wristband on like half of them, and the crowd appears to be about four people deep.

For the line "do you know what love means?" we get to see a blonde chick in the audience. She looks like a grown-up version of the little girl from that Art of Noise video. Oh wow, as they pan over the audience more, we can see that in the purest early 80s metal video style, they've given the women in the crowd makeup halfway between Les Mis and Cats. Oh wow! That one kid is like 12! Seriously, what is going on here.



I will tell you what's going on: awesome costumes, crazy eye makeup, guitar face, hair flinging, fist pumping; really, if we could just add some fire, and maybe a dragon, or like a monster alien thing, and we'd have everything we could ever want in a video from 1984. Like I said above, the over-the-top-ness combined with the sincerity of it all is what makes this stuff great. All the squatting and synchronized guitar movements -- it's just deliciously camp.

Video aside, the lyrics to this song are dead cheesy -- okay, maybe it's just for everything good I said about John Bush above, I have to say his delivery in this song is a bit cheese. It's mostly just, I can never hear the chorus without thinking about calling a pizza place, or getting Chinese food, and imagining myself singing into the phone, "Here's your chance to pleee-eeease, can you deliver?"

Also -- allow me a bit of a digression here -- it warmed my heart to see this was put out on Chrysalis. Remember back when there were more than three major labels? I always remember being fond of the Chrysalis logo, with the little butterfly. Who knows what happened to them. (Okay, I looked it up, they were sold to EMI in 1991 and folded in 2005. EMI, of course, is one of the four major music companies still in existence.) Lucky for us, we still have Metal Blade (albeit as a subsidiary for one of the big boys), who discovered these lads in the first place anyway.

This leads me to a second (brief) tangent -- why on earth haven't the Metal Massacre albums been rereleased in some kind of super deluxe boxed set? Those are simply screaming for it. There's one from 11 years ago selling used on Amazon starting at almost $200, but come on, make a new one, throw in a DVD or something like that. A book!! Pleeeease a book. I would buy it. And if you're reading this, chances are you would too. Or you know me in real life, and know this would make a great gift for me. Let's do this.