Dokken, "The Hunter"

Happy Birthday to Me!  

THE VIDEO Dokken, "The Hunter," Under Lock and Key, 1985, Elektra 

  

SAMPLE LYRIC "I'm a hunterrrrrr / searchin' for love / on these lonely streets / uh-gaaaaaaaaaaaiiiin"

  

THE VERDICT Well, this is the closest Thursday to my birthday this year, so I'm giving myself — finally — this long-delayed video, for what may well be my all-time favorite metal song. Yeah, I said it. I'm not 100% sure, but I'm close. And regardless, as we'll see in a minute, it contains my favorite moment in the history of heavy metal videos. 

 

Why did I take so long to get around to "The Hunter"? Well one, I was saving it for a special occasion. 

But two, when I first started this blog, I did sooo much Dokken. It was kind of a Dokken overdose. I can't help it, I love them. But in any event, my overindulgence circa 2004-5 meant that once I got more serious about blogging, I had to really mete out my servings of Dokken, making them fewer and further between so that I could get to other bands (and I know, I still have plenty I haven't even gotten to yet!). 

But when it came to this year's birthday post, I decided it was time. This video is one of my favorites. It's just unbelievably stylish, with all the detail shots of their clothes and of the guys hanging out. 

It is the best use of the Kim Anderson effect of any metal video I would say — and yes, faithful readers will remember that by "Kim Anderson effect" I mean not the rock video girl from "Girlschool" but the whole taking-a-black-and-white-image-and-just-coloring-in-some-parts-of-it thing like in the other Kim Anderson's cheesy photos. 

It's in a zillion videos, but "The Hunter" is like a master class in it, especially when they do the little sort of stop-motion sequences of photos like the meet the band sequence at the beginning.

 

Though most of the video is the stop-motion-y Kim Anderson effect stuff, which is basically the band playing in some kind of rehearsal space, the rest of "The Hunter" involves giving each member of Dokken his own plot. This is always a good video strategy for bands whose members don't get along, as they don't have to spend too much time on set together. 

The "plot" parts of the video are filmed in color, so they're visually very separate from the other stuff. Oh right, except for Mick's, which for some reason is in grainy black and white. He always gets the short end of the stick in Dokken videos. 

  

George Lynch and Don Dokken get pretty similar plots, which is fitting — they're always on the same wavelength I feel like, just not with each other. But we follow George as he drives a red sportscar (I want to say a Ferrari) around a city at night (probably L.A.), and Don as he rides a motorcycle in the city during the day and then in the desert. 

I know this is mean, but seriously, Don should not have picked a plot that was going to blow his hair around so much. It's like when Shawn Michaels wrestles and his ponytail gets out of whack and suddenly you realize he's actually pretty bald. 

I should just get this out of my system now — oh my dear lord does George Lynch look hotttttt in this video. I can't even deal. Pre-body building, pre-tattoos, long hair... I am swooning right now. He has that like perfect lanky build, and he's rocking the loose tank top and leather pants look to the hilt. When he does things like lie down on his side and prop his head up on one elbow, seriously guys, it's almost too much. 

 

Don on the other hand... well, we all know as a Lynch partisan, I'm not very interested in Don. He has stubble in this video, which is a bit of a departure for him since he usually looks very cleaned up (and besides, if you had time to put on eyeliner, you had time to shave). I will give him props though on the loose, Miami Vice-style blazer during the performance scenes. That's a good look. 

Mick Brown has the sort of least-involved plot — it's basically just him hanging out at a dive bar. Though I know George and Don are driving around "on the lonely streets, uh-gaaaaaiiinnnn," I feel like Mick is the one who seems the most like he's "searchin' for love." I don't know if he'll find it in places like this, but hopefully whatever he does find is treatable. 

Also, following Mick shows us that we are indeed in LA — most of the signs for bars and stuff are hard to read, but at one point a bus rolls by with a KBIG FM 104 ad on its side. If that weren't enough evidence, he strolls down the Hollywood Walk of Fame, too. 

Jeff Pilson has the most involved plot by far. It also comes the closest to involving hunting of any sort. Jeff is for some reason caged, then released into the woods to be chased by a large crowd of burly, bearded, flannel-shirt wearing men with torches and baseball bats. And dogs. And dogs. Mmmmmm-kayyyyy. Jeff actually has to get his leather pants dirty, running through a stream and stuff to try to evade them.

 

But here's where this gets even weirder (and more topical) — in one shot, we see that the little wooden crate they have him locked in has "PMRC" written on it. Unabbreviated, that's the Parents Music Resource Center. 

Doesn't this mean he should've been being chased through the woods by like, a bunch of senators and Tipper Gore, rather than a bunch of lumberjacks? One would think so. It's an odd touch, and the one time where Dokken try to make any kind of political point or express any type of stance on topics other than like, relationships, in any of their videos. 

Almost every part of this video is just gorgeous. They actually get pretty creative with a lot of the shots, really doing a nice job of framing the band in visually appealing ways (and no, I don't just mean by showing plenty of George!). 

In fact, this video doesn't actually show that much George. During the solo, instead of a photo montage of him, we see a photo montage of his guitars. And his plot sequence is mostly just the top of his head from the back. 

But let us not forget — dant-da-da-da! — my all-time favorite moment in the history of heavy metal videos. It's such a little thing, but yep, its about a minute and a half in, when Don sings "but then it comes to me!", George hits a big guitar note, and Jeff Pilson does this totally badass rockstar jump. 

One minute he's just playing, the next minute he leaps in place, before you know it, he's landed. It's so small, but it's so visually striking, and punctuates that point in the song perfectly. Bravo, Jeff. That's the perfect gift for me.

 

Bon Jovi, "Livin' on a Prayer"

Are We Halfway There Yet?  

THE VIDEO Bon Jovi, "Livin' on a Prayer," Slippery When Wet, 1986, Mercury 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Whooooooooa! / We're halfway they-ere! / Whooooooooa-ohhhh! / Livin' on a pray-air!" 

THE VERDICT Now those in the know usually give credit to the chart success of Quiet Riot's Metal Health for breaking metal with a mainstream audience. But I would estimate that a great many more claim Slippery When Wet as metal's watershed moment with the broader U.S. audience. 

Why choose JBJ over QR? Well, let's face it, Kevin DuBrow (RIP) was never a contender versus Jon Bon Jovi in the looks department. (That said, I'd take Carlos Cavazo over Richie Sambora any day.) So that's probably part of it. 

But what else is it? Well, "Livin' on a Prayer" gives us some ideas. 

For one, there's the song itself. They've brought in a serious hitman, Desmond Child, who I've ruminated about at length already. Suffice to say that yes, you do usually get what you pay for in the super-producer department. 

But two, with this tale of Tommy and Gina, Bon Jovi take a page directly from fellow Jerseyite (Jerseyan?) The Boss, and we already know it's a page that works. Stories about down on their luck (it's tough) New Jerseyers are gold, nay, platinum even. Now for Bruce Springsteen, who I absolutely freakin' love, the stories are usually enough on their own. 

I mean, don't even get me started on "The River." That song makes me cry my eyes out just thinking about it. It is so, so good, and so, so sad. I remember in high school I was on this long college road trip with my mom, and we'd been listening to The Boss' greatest hits CD on repeat. I kept skipping "The River" every time it came up, 'cause it made me cry. But finally she was like, "Don't skip it, I really like this song, it's not a big deal. The people in the song aren't even real." 

 

So I read the liner notes in the little CD book, where he kind of told the story of each song, and found out the song was about his brother-in-law and sister. Oh man, I cried harder than ever. Suffice to say I did not get into the next college where I interviewed, with my red, watery eyes and puffy face. They probably thought I was suffering from some kind of intense college application stress or something (when in reality I didn't really care at all, it's just that "The River" is really sad!).

 

Anyway. 

As Jon has revealed to people's surprise (really?), Tommy and Gina are not real people (this is surprising how?). Doesn't really matter here though. All we care about is that they're gonna make it, and they've got loads of keyboards and a talk box (which I think of as a Peter Frampton Machine) to help them along. 

Even more than the song though, I think it's this video (and the constant airplay it received) that just exploded Bon Jovi all over the place. I mean, it's not like they hadn't made albums (and videos) before this. But it's with this one that all the elements that will make up many future Bon Jovi videos — and many other metal videos — fall into place. 

One, there's the guys themselves. Most of the video is sort of "behind the scenes" footage as they set up, and we see them as fun, goofy, friendly guys. David Bryan plays Alec John Such's guitar, JBJ and Richie constantly mug at each other, only Tico Torres is kind of relegated to the background. 

Two, Jon has really solidified his look with this video, and it's about to get copied all over the place. I think the element that's here now, and was really missing in their previous videos, is his long leather duster jacket, with all the medallions and fringe and stuff. Suddenly, these things (which seem like they'd be kind of hot temperature-wise and awkward to wear) become metal must-haves. 

But the other thing that's interesting is the extent to which Bon Jovi have changed their look to transform themselves into the (long-haired) boys next door. As pretty as Jon is, they aren't a very glam-looking band. Jon's coat aside, they are actually wearing pretty normal guy clothes for the time — concert tees and fitted jeans. They're much less colorful looking than they were in say, "In and Out of Love." 

So it's a weird paradox — while on the one hand, their sound is as pop and commercial as can be, they're actually among the first of the more glam or lyrical groups to really tone down their wardrobes. If I had to guess whether this helped their popularity with the non-metal-fan U.S. audience I'd have to say um yeah, it did.

 

The other thing they've done in this video is seriously upped their production values. I don't know what it is about slightly blue-tinted black and white, but it takes everything from looking like it was being shot on the cheap to looking like it's all part of some insanely gorgeous documentary. Slow down the footage just ever-so-slightly for bonus points. 

Unlike all the serious black-and-white in like, "Wanted Dead or Alive" though, here it's all fun. Particularly because Jon, Alec, and I'm assuming Richie too are strapped into harnesses allowing them to fly out over the audience. This makes room for even more shots of them goofing around, as they try out the harnesses and joke with the technicians who are strapping them in. 

And then, of course, we get the big punch at the end — when with the biggest "WHOA!", suddenly we're in color and there's a live, very sweaty audience. 

We might also notice that it's a very male audience. Why? See, even though Bon Jovi might be threatening everyone's manliness with all those power ballads, by toning down the colorful clothes and makeup, it's still all good. You can be a hetero dude and listen to "Never Say Goodbye." 

In this sense, I think Bon Jovi hit upon a magic formula several beats before a lot of other really big bands did (though eventually they would become almost notorious for having a heavily female audience, because of course you know that's a bad thing smh). 

Okay anyway, before I get all into deconstructing the gender dynamics of heavy metal's listenership (as someone who regularly gets asked things like whether I'm buying that Slayer button for my boyfriend, I could do this all day), why this video now? Well, 'cause school's starting today for me, and I'm feeling more than a little bit beaten down. 

And if Jon and the boys screaming "Whooa-ohhhh!" in ever-higher registers is what does it for me right now, so be it. Also wait, whoa, ("Whooa-ohhhh!" even) — I just realized something. This is my 150th post. (It's only my 149th video though, thanks to my double-dipping on "Estranged.") Still though, dang, that's a lot of videos! And there's still so many more to go. I guess I'm gonna be livin' on a pray-air in more ways than one.

 

Stryper, "Honestly"

My Imaginary First Dance Song  

THE VIDEO Stryper, "Honestly," To Hell With the Devil, 1986, Hollywood 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Calllllll on meee, and I'll be there for you-oooooooh-oooh / I'm a friend who allllllll-ways will be tru-ooooooooh-ooooh / And I love you can't you see-eeeeeeee / that I can say I luh-uh-uh-uh-uuuuuuuuve youuuuuuuuuu hon-on-est-lee-eeeeeee-eeeeeeeeeeee" 

THE VERDICT Okay, here's video #2 in my wedding theme month. How the heck is Stryper relevant, given that my fiance and I aren't religious at all? Well, given that I'm a bit slow on the uptake on this kind of stuff, for a really long time I just thought this would be a really nice like, wedding first dance song. 

I mean, it's a bit sappy incredibly sappy, and it's all the kind of promises you'd want to make, and really everything you'd want in a life partner, right? Okay, except that it's not being narrated from the point of view of like, a husband or wife or whatever. This song is actually a God's eye point of view. 

And I don't mean like, an omniscient narrator kind of thing. I mean literally, this song is like, the Lord or Jesus or whomever telling people He is always going to be there for them, a friend who'll always be true, etc. If you're a believer, it's a reassuring message, for sure. And if you wanted to use this as a message to your spouse, as I would, it's got a lovely message. 

Even if I think I'm the only person I know who can get through this song without complaining of torture. What can I say, I guess I have a cheesy streak. Okay, I have a cheesy streak like the size of Wisconsin. In any event, we aren't having a legit reception or anything like that, so we'll just have to talk about this video here. 

The video sort of takes us through the whole process of the song, from start to finish. We begin really at the beginning, with Michael Sweet composing the song at the piano. Why these parts are in black and white, I'm not sure. Like, it's a reenactment? The "oh no, look how hard this is!" part of an infomercial?

 

Then we move on to the band practicing the song together. Are they practicing in a garage? Or is this the usual metal video cliche of the empty warehouse, because this is a really big garage. They also seem to have some yellow and black-painted risers in there. Maybe it's like an airplane hangar, where all their stuff is waiting to be shipped off for their tour? Hmm, I'm not thinking the acoustics are probably that good in there. 

You know I have to say, in their way, Stryper have great style, with all the skinny jeans and hats and sweatpants. Robert Sweet just about has better Farrah Fawcett hair than Farrah herself did, it's perfect! You look at how they're dressed in this video, and aside from the big-shouldered jackets, it's all stuff that would totally play now. 

Okay, re-focusing. Probably the most notable aspect of this video is the 'behind the scenes' footage of them getting ready to leave for their tour. This is one of the only metal videos (if not the only one) that includes wives and babies in real time, as part of the video, not as just like, maybe one photo in the midst of a huge photo montage. 

They also show them kissing their wives/girlfriends a lot, which is really unusual in metal videos. They usually want to make the band members seem available to any ladies who might be watching. The exception to this is women in videos who the band members are really dating — viz. all the open-mouthed Tawny Kitaen-David Coverdale action in Whitesnake videos. 

This kissing is not like that, trust. I like too that these bits show Stryper to have a sense of humor. We get some jokey footage of them — Rob tosses an umbrella in a suitcase, Oz Fox just sticks an entire dresser drawer into his luggage. Then a white limo picks them all up and they go to the airport, showing us their passports. We even follow them into the plane — and not like, their own personal plane either (or like the helicopter they have in "Always There For You"). Stryper is flying coach!

 

So Stryper have gone to London, where they're on the marquee of the Hammersmith Odeon. Instead of the usual footage of them like, pensively staring out the windows of their tour bus or sitting around exhausted in hotels, Stryper actually take advantage of their traveling. The boys go out and sightsee a bit, hitting the usual tourist spots — Big Ben, Westminster Abbey, Buckingham Palace. I especially love when they walk by a poster for their concert, and it's right next to a gigantic Thompson Twins poster.

We also get to peek backstage, and this backstage footage is likewise not your usual backstage footage. There's nary a groupie in sight, and no one sprays anyone with beer. Instead, they've got out their Bibles, and they do a prayer circle. 

Moving forward in the sort of life cycle of the song, we then see them practicing on their stage set in their regular clothes. Then at the end Stryper are actually live in their full black and yellow regalia on the set, though at the last minute we're back with Michael and his piano. Hmm, that was pretty straightforward. 

Okay, strap yourselves in for a huge tangent (see, at least this week I saved it for the end!). Growing up, there was this hole-in-the-wall mom and pop shop a little ways from my house that was called the Corner Store. It was abundantly not on a corner, so who knows. But it was basically like a convenience store minus the gas station. It was very small, and sold like candy, and Wonder Bread, and stuff like that. 

It had a couple of arcade games on the back wall, and it had an incredibly distinct smell — I can't describe it, but if I smelled it anywhere else I would identify it as this. Sort of a mix of loose change, soft serve ice cream, and comic books (which they also sold, on a rack near the counter). 

I think I remember buying Garbage Pail Kids cards there too, but I might be conflating that with a memory of walking home with my parents from either the annual town Tag Sale or the annual town carnival and finding a long trail of Garbage Pail Kids cards along the side of the road and picking them all up. (In other news: Do I still have all those Garbage Pail Kids cards? Hellllll yeah I do!)

 

Anyway: Why this long digression? Okay, 'cause in addition to the aforementioned annual events my town held, there's also an annual Memorial Day Parade which is very like, small town America-y. All the local fire trucks drive down the street, and like, the oldest veterans and the selectmen ride through town in convertibles, and so on and so forth. People throw penny candy from the backs of flatbed trucks, and you run into the street and pick it up. (Well they used to, they aren't allowed to do that anymore because safety or whatever. Lame.)

Okay, I swear I'm getting to the connection soon! So one year, I marched in the Memorial Day Parade as a Girl Scout. I was a Brownie, so this would've been 1987 or 1988. And it was unbelievably hot that year, just scorching. But I made it through the whole parade, sweating under my stupid little felt Brownie beanie. 

When I'd walked the whole parade route, my mom met me (probably at the local high school), and we walked home. On the way though, we stopped at the Corner Store, 'cause she wanted to buy me a soft-serve ice cream cone for being good and all and sweating it out in the parade. 

So while the old man behind the counter (and it was literally just one old man who worked there, always) was getting my ice cream, I remember looking up at the wall behind the counter, where there were posters for sale, the kind you can win at carnivals, you know, where they're sort of mounted on cardboard and in these gold plastic frames. And right smack-dab in the middle above the counter was this big ol' Stryper poster, of them in all their black and yellow regalia. 

Now, today I would be like foaming at the mouth to get that poster, but at the time my little seven- or eight-year-old self was like, "Who the heck is gonna buy that poster?" Okay, that was an incredibly long and not especially relevant digression. 

But that is part of why I write this blog — so many parts of my life are somehow wrapped up in metal, and the littlest things, like seeing Stryper in all their yellow and black concert gear, can conjure up all these memories. I mean shoot, I can't remember the last time I thought about the Corner Store. That place closed in like 1989 or 1990, I think it's a realtor's office now. 

I could go on and on about this stuff. Also, I do.

P.S.: Did you know that unlike metal bands who jokingly claim their names are acronyms (Satan Laughs As You Eternally Rot) or who others claim are acronyms (Kids/Knights In Satan's Service), Stryper actually is an acronym? "Salvation Through Redemption Yielding Peace, Encouragement, and Righteousness." And also yielding lots of striped clothing!

  

Scorpions, "Big City Nights"

Summer Tour, Makes Me Feel Fine  

THE VIDEO Scorpions, "Big City Nights," World Wide Live, 1985, Mercury 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Big city! / Big city nights! / you keep me run-nin!" 

THE VERDICT Last year I made a concerted effort to do summertime videos, and back then I included this one from the Scorpions 'cause it's amazingly cheesy and less well-known. But thinking today about what would be a good summertime video, this Scorps classic of course came to me right away. 

I mean for sure, "Big City Nights" is a great song. Even more than other Scorpions tunes for me, it's chock full of great almost-nonsense lyrics that are nonetheless very evocative. I'd say that "a long sweet minute" is one of my favorite expressions in all of heavy metal, and who knows what they're even talking about! Nonetheless, I would totally name my hypothetical memoir that. 

I also appreciate that it's cool to hear a "touring is rad" song for a change, instead of the constant "touring is sooo hard, you guys" whine-fests we usually get. We know, we know, new city, same faces, riding around on the bus, pretending you miss some girlfriend/wife back home while you defile groupies. We get it. 

"Big City Nights" actually makes it seem like touring is pretty cool. As does this video, made for their World Wide Live album/home video. It's shot a little bit all over the place, but mostly in Southern California. Two Los Angeles dates, a Costa Mesa date, and one at the San Diego Sports Arena! (All in April 1984.) 

The behind-the-scenes stuff though appears to have been shot all over the place — you clearly see the Scorps on several different continents, and weirdly the only shots where you can definitely tell where they are in the U.S. are in Illinois (at the Rosemont Horizon).

 

You know the performance shots in this video have a lot from the Cali segments though, since at the end Klaus Meine thanks California and says California keeps them "run-in-in-in-in-in-in." This makes me assume the beach scenes are in California, even if the skimpiness of the bathing suits and the level of tanning in these scenes makes me think Brazil. Then again, it was the 80s. These were the years of baby oil, not sunblock. 

In general, I feel like the "Big City Nights" video is most memorable for being full of amazing 80s babes. I like that (also as per live video cliche) they cut together the footage of random women with random shots of the Scorpions playing live so it appears that, e.g., Matthias Jabs is reacting with a lecherous grin to a woman winking at the camera in a totally different place. 

In addition to the beach babes (did they even know they'd wind up in a Scorpions video?), we also get to see the chicks who appear to be in the Scorpions' entourage. In particular there's this one woman who looks like a very 80s, very tarted up Sandra Bullock who shows up in all the WWL vids. She appears to be Herman Rarebell's girlfriend, and pops up as the sexy pool player in this one. I like though the woman in the background, reading House & Garden magazine while dressed like a dominatrix. 

Though I feel like the bikini footage is kind of the most notable element of this clip, "Big City Nights" still does have tour video cliches. Think: the view through the front window of bus, autograph signings, arena shots, sweaty fans, over-enthusiastic women making their way onto the stage, the band making their way to the stage, roadies testing equipment, hanging out backstage wearing towels, male fans who look like their passion in singing along is about to make them explode. I mean that guy toward the end is really excited to be singing along with this song.

 

And babes and other cliches aside, the thing we see the most is lots of shots of the Scorpions goofing around — they always seem like fun and friendly guys in their videos, who've got a good sense of humor about themselves. 

They're all constantly horsing around though, whether they're waiting around a hotel lobby or boarding a plane. I mean you can't get a camera near Rudy Schenker without him making a silly face. Weirdly we see Klaus Meine kind of the least in this footage, but he's always up to something, usually dancing. In one shot he's dancing with a flamenco dancer, in another, with a belly dancer. 

And then of course, there is the actual live footage of the band. I like the WWL stage set — it looks like a giant stereo from the 80s. Like think of the stereo that gets destroyed in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. It's sort of a lot of horizontal black stuff, but then the glowing colors — shading from red to yellow to green — look like equalizer bars. 

You don't really see stereos looking like that any more do you? Hell, these days everything is just like, a big speaker with an iPod dock stuck on the top of it. I wonder if bands these days do stage sets that look like that (I mean hell, you know I don't know the answer to that one). 

P.S.: It's as un-metal as it gets, but don't act like you don't get the reference in this post's title.

Kix, "Blow My Fuse"

Hometown Heroes  

THE VIDEO Kix, "Blow My Fuse," Blow My Fuse, 1988, Atlantic 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Blow my fuse! / (Hey hey!) You got nothin' to lose / Blow my fuse! / I need a good shot, I can't give it to you" 

THE VERDICT Okay, I know I swore last week that I would stop mailing it in. But please, guys, you've got to cut me some slack. I know it's summer, but I'm actually busier than ever, and even though my normal M.O. is to write posts weeks in advance, at some point I caught up with myself, and now here we are. That said, I figured a not-quite-as-insanely-detailed-as-usual post was better than no post, so here's Kix. 

I've got to tell you — back when all I really knew of Kix was "Don't Close Your Eyes," I was like, they're fine but, eh. Now that I'm much more familiar with the entire Kix oeuvre, I've got to say, they are like the best bar band you've never heard. 

I mean yes, they sure do love to use sex metaphors that involve electricity and explosives, so much so that it's kind of weird. I mean if you really listen to this song, it's basically saying "short circuit me in bed." Is this a good idea? 

Sure, in the short term, I guess. But have Steve Whiteman et al. really thought through all these blown fuses? Then again, I guess they can just light a candle and like, go get a replacement at the hardware store, so. (Though what that would mean in terms of sexual metaphor, I'm not really sure.) 

ANYWAY. I bring up the bar band thing 'cause this video, even though it's from an album pretty far down the line in Kix's career, is more or less a testament to the band's longstanding local following and tireless gig-playing in and around Baltimore. I think the girl at the beginning holding the Maryland "KIX FAN" license plate pretty much sums it up. 

I mean, what do you think of when you think of Baltimore? The Wire. Syphilis. Kix. 

This video is split between two basic things going on. The more interesting footage, to my mind, is of Kix hanging out in and around Baltimore. Apparently they are mainly in a part of Baltimore known as "The Block" — apparently a stretch of East Baltimore Street that's mostly strip clubs and related stuff.

   

In any event, in this video we see a lot of stuff that's hard to identify (a diner and a peep palace, in particular), but we also see prominently the signs for several establishments, most notably the Midway Bar, but also the Two O' Clock Club (which has an adorably retro sign for a strip club), the subtly-named Club Pussy Cat,  and a couple others. 

In these montages, which all take place at night, we basically see the members of Kix hanging out in these different haunts, or in most cases, loitering outside them. They interact colorfully with the locals, who seem to consist of old men in various hats (knit cap, captain's hat), and then just a constant stream of moderately attractive women in high-waisted miniskirts and giant earrings. Hey, it was 1988. That's probably what I'd have been wearing had I had more say in my wardrobe back then. 

And speaking of wardrobes... ooh, they taunt me with visions of a "Blow My Fuse" t-shirt in this video. If you read this regularly, you know I collect vintage metal tees, and man, in all my searching I've never run across a Kix tee. I'd be so stoked to find one. 

I actually just got back from a trip (the zillionth reason I'm behind on blogging) where I got a 1992 Slaughter The Wild Life tee (inexpensive and not too exciting) and a 1985 Mötley Crüe Theatre of Pain tee (very expensive and very exciting). I can't even imagine finding a Kix shirt though. 

Actually, there's a bunch of Kix merch in this video. At one point, Steve has on sort of round John Lennon sunglasses that have the Kix logo on the lenses, and I think he may have a Kix backpatch on the back of the denim vest he's wearing. 

I should point out that, as always, Kix look amazing in this video. This is a band that has incredible style, and it seems to come so naturally— they all kind of go in different directions, from t-shirts to sheer blouses, and yet it all works. 

Oh wait, duh, I should mention — this is what like, the bulk of the video is like, it's Kix playing live. Based on the size of the venue and how unbelievably enthusiastic the crowd is, I'd guess they're in Baltimore and this was a fan club call-out type deal to recruit audience members. I mean these people are stoked to see Kix, and they don't look like they're just waiting for them to play "Don't Close Your Eyes." Trust me, if that's the only Kix song you know, you're missing out — and not just on all the weird electricity sex metaphors.

2020 UPDATE: I'm trying hard not to annotate these, but given how much I go on about it above — I had totally forgotten about that whole t-shirt digression I wrote there, but I now totally own a Kix "Blow My Fuse" t-shirt. It's not the one from the video, but it's similar. It's the most recently-added shirt in my collection (my vintage-shirt-energy has long since waned, though I still have my entire collection except for my Tesla tee which I am supermad I don't have anymore). I found it at a Goodwill in 2015 in NWOT condition. It didn't have a copyright date on it, and I was like... this has to be repro, right? But then I thought, "who the heck is making reproduction vintage Kix tees?" And indeed, upon further inspection of the fabric, tag, and printing, yeah — it's a legit vintage Kix tee. Glad I managed to make that (admittedly forgotten) dream come true! 

Ratt, "You Think You're Tough"

The Leftovers  

THE VIDEO Ratt, "You Think You're Tough," Ratt [EP], 1983, Atlantic 

SAMPLE LYRIC: "You think you're tough! / harder than stone / you think you're tough! / your talk's gettin' old" 

THE VERDICT: Pull out your microwave and get ready to do some reheating, 'cause this video is seriously the leftovers — bits and pieces of all the other things Ratt has done to date (the video's from 1985). Sure, the result is pretty yummy, but for the most part, this isn't stuff that's that new! 

The bits and pieces of this video are held together with a framing device of Stephen Pearcy driving around in a dark red Rolls Royce convertible with a TV in it. I love how cars with TVs in them always feel so 80s — the TV is like the televisual equivalent of a Zack Morris phone. Stephen seems to control the TV via a keypad next to it that looks like a calculator. He also has what appears to be just a regular phone that's been installed in a car. It doesn't actually look like a car phone, I mean the thing is white! 

Anyway, Stephen turns on his little TV to Warren DeMartini's solo from "Round and Round," where he falls through the ceiling onto the dining table. We actually hear the song play too, which I like. It's a common device in videos — Poison especially do it a lot on their first album. Sort of like, "Remember? We're the guys who did 'Round and Round.'" 

He then clicks to "Wanted Man." Then suddenly the TV goes to static, and in the first of many cameos, it's Ozzy! Screaming at the camera with a white rat on his shoulder. You know, of course.

 

The Ozzy bit transitions into some of the only footage that is 100% original to this video, of the guys playing around backstage. I looove this kind of stuff. Like as much as I know it's contrived, Stephen dancing around and squirting toothpaste in the air is almost just like, too much joy for me. 

We also get to go behind the scenes at a Ratt photo shoot. Warren... oh Warren. I want to be like "Smoking's bad kids" (and it is, I don't smoke, and I don't want you to think I do) but damn does he make it look good. 

We also get cameo #2 as Tommy Lee shows up and takes some pics with the boys. There's also on-stage stuff mixed in, but most of it is very generic footage — i.e., Ratt aren't necessarily doing this song. Lots of just like, rushing around, scarf swinging, and guitar jabbing. Stephen may not be fifty in this video, but he sure likes to stretch and kick. 

They also do this not-very-special special effect that I'm not even sure how to describe. It's as if they've taken the film, photocopied it, then painted it in with just a few bright colors in sort for sort of a poor man's Warhol. 

Stephen drives around LA, spotting a Marilyn Monroe look-alike outside Grauman's Chinese Theatre. Okay, well, I use the term "lookalike" loosely here. He sees a blonde in a white dress, how 'bout that. She blows him a kiss and waves, and he does his patented Stephen Pearcy finger-point-plus-duck-face move. In case we don't get it, there's also a clip of Marilyn Monroe's hand and heel-prints in the cement outside. 

 

Ahh!! Now Warren (wearing the world's ugliest yellow windbreaker) is calling Stephen on his car phone!! And somehow, even though Warren is calling from a payphone, his image appears on Stephen's car TV. It's like the world's crappiest Skype session, minus computer technology. In other news, Stephen's giant white car phone continues to amuse. 

Also, I just realized that it's like, been a while since I mentioned how hot Warren is, so allow me to mention it again. Warren is super hot! 

You know though, I have to put in that Stephen has amazing style. Yeah, his hair's a bit girly, and the Bret Hart sunglasses aren't doing him too many favors (it's hard to tell if I actually like them, or I just like them for reminding me of the Hitman), but overall, that boy can dress. He's got a feathered earring in his left ear, and an ear cuff midway up his right ear. He's also got piles of different silver bracelets on each arm, and in the concert footage is wearing literally the most artfully ripped t-shirt I've ever seen. Kudos, Stephen. 

Anyway, back to the video. I guess Warren was fake-skyping Stephen to get him to pick them up, since now the rest of Ratt are piling into the convertible. Somehow Bobby Blotzer gets shotgun, with the other guys hopping into the back. Well, they made the right call, as now Juan, Robbin, and Warren are sitting up on top of the backseat waving their arms around while Bobby just sits up in the front like a chump, so. Oh, no wait, now everyone else is sitting down, but Bobby is standing up and miming drumming. Now Juan's in the front, singing straight at the camera. He also has Bret Hart glasses. Dang, this is getting pretty long, isn't it. 

Okay, I'll just focus on the high points, like Stephen signing something for a girl who is wearing an amazing t-shirt which features Stephen's almost life-size face on it. We also must mention that Ozzy's back, and appears to be in drag — he's wearing lipstick and a floral housedress, standing in a garden holding a youngish girl — either Aimee or Kelly, I'm not sure based on the age. 

We also get a quick repeat of Tommy Lee and Nikki Sixx's big reveal in "Back for More," I guess they wanted to make sure they got maximum mileage out of that footage. 

Ooh, then we get a new cameo! It's Carmine Appice, hanging out backstage with the boys. And speaking of backstage, you've got to love all the backstage "getting ready" shots. These boys have a lot of makeup in there, and I don't mean the 70s KISS kind. I mean the 80s KISS kind — eye shadow, lipstick, etc.

 

The end of this video only gets more random. There's a sequence with — I'm not sure if I should call them dolls or puppets — being waved out the window of a car. One of them is definitely a Stephen puppet, the other one is hard to get a positive ID on. 

We also get an actual, new Nikki Sixx cameo, Ozzy ripping off his shirt, and another dude I don't recognize (he looks Japanese, but is not one of the guys in Loudness). 

And then when you think it can't get weirder, the video transitions from the boys singing in their convertible to suddenly being all patriotic, with pics of the Statue of Liberty and the flag. This fades into a sunset, which then (of course) turns out to be an image on Stephen's little car TV. It transitions into concert footage and then static flickers before the whole thing fades out. 

The thing that's interesting though is this song is also a bit of a sonic leftover. If you've ever heard Ratt songs that from when they're still called "Mickey Rat" (a nod to Mickey Mouse, though wouldn't Ricky Rat have made the connection more obvious?), this is more or less what they sound like. Wayyy less polished, way less glam. I mean it actually sounds like they crawled out of the cellar! 

Such is the way with this track, which though many people know it from their Ratt & Roll 8191 compilation, is from their 1983 debut EP which is notable for a) being awesome but also for b) having seriously amazing, like frame-worthy cover art (despite the fact that I'm pretty sure those are large mice, not rats). None of their other albums measure up, artwork-wise. 

The video though is from 1985, sort of filling the gap after Out of the Cellar and paving the way for the clips from Invasion of Your Privacy. 

So it actually is a leftover song, with leftover clips from other videos and just a little bit of new stuff — it's like the day after Thanksgiving! And luckily, like the day after Thanksgiving, it's actually pretty tasty. 

Iron Maiden, "Wasted Years"

In Retrospect...  

THE VIDEO Iron Maiden, "Wasted Years," Somewhere in Time, 1986, Capitol 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Sooooh-oooooh-ooooh / under-sta-a-and / don't waste your time always searching for those was-ted years! / Face uh-uppp, make your sta-a-and / and re-a-lize you're living in the gol-den years!" 

THE VERDICT Some people think this song is really cheesy, but you know me — I love me some inspirational metal. I have two reasons I wanted to talk about this video, but first, well, let's talk about the video. What happens here? 

Well, the video for "Wasted Years" is a mix of stuff — remember that Somewhere in Time shows Eddie as sort of a badass futuristic space dude, so the entire video is framed with this sort of artwork of the video being played on screens in Eddie's space ship. But that's only at the very end. For most of the video, we just see footage of the band performing more or less for each other in a dark, empty space. 

Unlike Iron Maiden's usual video staging — with, if not a real arena stage, then a fake one — here the boys are just hanging out, a la Tesla. They play the song sort of facing in toward each other, in a loose circle. That's the least interesting part of the video though. 

More interesting is all the nostalgic Iron Maiden stuff woven all through it. First, there are the old photos of the band. We see them posing in different parts of the world (Japan, Brazil, Poland), and lots of them — especially Dave Murray — wearing silly hats, making silly faces, silly poses, etc. There's even a sequence of photos of their crew members and management — it's a family affair here in this video. 

 

Also in the mix is behind-the-scenes footage of the band, some of which appears to be a photo shoot, but more generally seeming to show their hobbies. We see them all playing soccer football. Weirdly, we don't see anything to do with Bruce Dickinson and planes, but we do see him practicing archery and fencing. 

Another theme woven throughout this video is footage from Iron Maiden's other videos. They mix in brief clips of a bunch of stuff, most notably "Run to the Hills", "The Number of the Beast", "The Trooper", "2 Minutes to Midnight", and "Aces High." 

There are also bits of live footage — some of this might be from other videos, but I mostly don't recognize it. In any event, it shows off their epic stage sets to very good effect. I think my favorite is a giant, mummified Eddie shooting sparks out of his eyes as part of the Powerslave sphinx Eddie stage set. 

My very most favorite part of this video though is all the montages of Derek Riggs' artwork. These are so, so cool. You get to see the evolution of Eddie, from a Edvard Munch-inspired-looking wraith to a very stylized sort of skinless dude. I like that the montages go forward in time and sort of build up as they go, leading to a mega-montage that introduces Adrian Smith's solo. (Adrian, btw, wrote this song, but I love that despite this, Steve Harris sings along while he plays as he always does.) It's basically the Eddie from each of their singles, and to see them all together rules. 

So okay, why did I want to talk about this song? Well, we'll do the deeper one first. Lately I have really been in an introspective, reflective mood. Though you can tell obviously from this blog I am big into nostalgia, lately I feel like for the first time in my life I am really looking to the future. Until recently, I feel like I've been one of those people who's always like, "oh, this was when things were cool or my life was good or whatever," and kind of going over things like that constantly. But lately, I'm finding a shift in myself toward a more present-focused orientation. I feel like it's probably a really healthy thing. 

So anyway, yeah, while I can't relate to the parts of this song that are about being on tour (which as metal bands are always having to remind us, is just soul-suckingly hard), lately I find I can really relate to the chorus. Is it cheesy? Yes. But does a little metal motivation ever hurt? No. I'm busting out Oprah-style bitches, living my best life!

 

The other reason I thought to do this song is because of something amazing that happened to me recently. I was out shopping for clothes, which I only buy used (that's a whole other long story). 

Anyway, I was on the very last rack of t-shirts, hadn't really found much, just some stuff that was maybe okay for work, when suddenly, I found... an Iron Maiden 1982 "The Beast On Tour" t-shirt in mint vintage condition. 

You guys, when I saw that thing, it was like, you know the parts in Requiem for a Dream when the people do drugs, and they do all those quick cuts of like different stuff happening, and their pupils going all big and whatnot? It was like that. 

I mean this shirt is approximately a vintage size small (it just fits me, and I'm a pretty small girl), baseball-style tee with a tan body, camo-printed sleeves, and Eddie artwork on the front and back. The front has circular artwork of Eddie stabbing a Union Jack into a globe, and the Maiden logo. The back has the Maiden logo with circular art of Eddie leaning casually against the flag pole, and says "The Beast On Tour 1982." Nineteen-eighty-effing-two! This shirt is almost 30! 

I had seen one other shirt like this with the camo sleeves, and it was framed and hanging on a wall in a vintage store. This one, on the other hand, was $36. I bought it immediamente, practically hyperventilating I was so excited. 

To put this event in perspective, my fiance and I also bought wedding bands that day, and I'm calling people like "You're not going to believe what happened to me! I found an Iron Maiden tee from 1982!!"

I've worn it once, but I am probably going to have to mostly keep it on ice. Why? Well, because once we were home, I went online to look at similar shirts, and find out what they sell for. We couldn't find my exact one (Iron Maiden made a lot of tees back in the day), but it turns out similar ones sell for like $500 - $1,000. What?!!? 

Now I know, like my mom always says, it's only worth that much if someone will actually pay you that much much for it, and I definitely don't intend to sell it, but still. I'm pretty sure it's easily the most valuable shirt in my collection, though I haven't taken the time to actually figure this out. 

In any event, that got me on a big Maiden kick. And given that my other Maiden shirt is a 1987 "Somewhere on Tour" tee (which I bought at the Salvation Army in 2001 for 99 cents!), I wound up at this album. Talk about living in the golden years!

Slaughter, "Real Love"

Mark Hearts Brenda Shannen!  

THE VIDEO Slaughter, "Real Love," The Wild Life, 1992, Chrysalis SAMPLE LYRIC "Real love! / Won't somebody showw-owww me? / Real love! / Isn't anyone one truuu-uuue anymorrre? / Real love! / Won't somebody showw-owww me? / Real loooooove" 

THE VERDICT When you think of famous women who've made cameos in heavy metal videos — nay, many of whom made their careers in heavy metal videos — plenty of big names come to mind. Tawny Kitaen, Stephanie Seymour, perhaps even Bobbie Brown, she of "Cherry Pie" fame. 

How is it that in this pantheon of metal pulchritude we have forgotten none other than Shannen Doherty? Oh yeah, probably because she was in a Slaughter video. 

But 'tis true — Heather Duke from Heathers, better known as Brenda from Beverly Hills, 90210 stars as Mark Slaughter's love interest in the video for "Real Love." 

This is actually probably my favorite Slaughter song. I mean, the verses in "Up All Night" are great, but it's played to death, and besides, the kids singing are just creepy. If we're gonna get technical, I actually like Mark's work with the Vinnie Vincent Invasion better, but for the moment focusing on the Slaughter output, I like this song best. 

The video takes us, ostensibly, behind the scenes, both of the music video itself, and of whatever it is we're meant to believe Shannen Doherty is doing. We see the space where Slaughter perform the song as a video set, with crew members setting up the instruments, and all kinds of various cameras and lighting rigs visible in the early shots. Shannen Doherty is likewise first spotted behind the scenes, though it's unclear if she's in the same place or somewhere else. Assuming she's not in the same space, as it later appears, she looks to be arriving at some kind of photo shoot.

 

I always wonder about videos like this — does the camera crew just film itself? Or is there a second, fake camera crew that plays the camera crew, and the real camera crew films that? This video is full of shots of like the dollys, and the video being played back on monitors, and stuff like that. Is it just the real stuff they were using, or is there a second layer of real stuff behind it? 

It's hard to say, since this video looks like it was actually pretty high budget — it's easy to forget now, but at the time people really loved Slaughter. I mean this is their second album, which was way less big than the first, and they still are getting Shannen Doherty money. By their third album, they would have been lucky to get Gabrielle Carteris. 

Amusingly, for some reason there is a pay phone on the set of the Slaughter video. I like that the band would have to make phone calls on their own dime — so weird. Anyway, Mark Slaughter is looking all pensive on the phone as a guy comes and taps on the glass, apparently telling him to wrap it up.

We then get a shot of an old-school office phone ringing — you know the type, with a bunch of different light-up keys for different lines below the number pad? Okay if you're much younger than me, you probably don't even remember these, but suffice to say it's the early 90s, so they don't have cell phones. They don't even have giant Zack Morris cordless phones. 

No one picks up though, and from the beginning of this video, Mark is making faces like a puppy who's just been scolded for peeing in the house. Also, suddenly in this video he plays the guitar — well, he holds one anyway. 

Mark is clearly the star of this video, though we do see the other members of Slaughter a bit. Blas Elias has his de rigeur customized gong behind him, and the camera tries to ignore the fact that at this point he's obviously the best looking member of the band. This effort isn't helped by Dana Strum, who makes a progression of ultra-serious faces at the camera. Tim Kelly (RIP) is in it the least — he's kind of off to one side, and frequently hard to see due to spotlights shining at the camera.

 

Oh! There's Shannen! She's sitting at a makeup table piled with products, and looking despondently at the phone. Um well he was trying to call you earlier honey, but you didn't pick up! Oh no wait, one of the lights on the phone is blinking. 

Maybe he is still trying to call, but she's not answering? Or maybe that means she has a message? Dang, it's been so long that I can't remember how non-cellular phones work. Is Mark on hold? Well I guess that's only possible if he deposited a lot of quarters, so. Oh wait, no, now we see Mark is on the phone again. Just as quickly it's gone though. 

Can I mention that the use of spotlights in this video is particularly egregious. It keeps looking like there are small-scale explosions going on next to Dana, but it's just the lights shining straight into the camera. Why did people think this was such a cool visual effect? It's just annoying. And it had to be hella bright for the camera operator. 

Now Shannen's looking haughtily sad while she has her makeup done. I know I'm mixing my popular teen shows here, but she's looking quite Blair Waldorf at this moment. At last, we see what she's doing — it is a photo shoot. At first we see her posing in front of a fake city skyline. 

Then during the chorus we get close-up glamour shots of Shannen, which are interrupted by flashes of white — I think we're meant to believe this is the camera shooting photos of her. She's full Brenda at this point in time — heavy eyebrows, heavy straight bangs — but she looks quite pretty (what can I say, I always liked Kelly better). 

Anyway, now Mark's on the phone again, but Shannen's already in a cab. Interspersed with band footage, we get moody shots of Shannen having her hair done while looking sad, and Mark sitting alone off set. 

Next thing we know Shannen's doing a different photo shoot, sitting on sort of a weird chaise lounge while wrapped in a sheet. What are we supposed to believe these photos are for? For some reason they're being shot with an old-timey box camera. 

As we head into the guitar solo, the video gets even more plotless. It's like they started out with a sort of narrative arc or plan, and then didn't shoot enough, and had to just mix everything together. We get Shannen posing in black and white, Mark on the phone, Shannen in the cab, lots of shots of the crew (or is the fake crew?) filming the band, etc., with no real rhyme or reason. 

I mean throughout the whole video, I'm not even sure who's the villain here. Mark keeps whining about his desire for "Real Love," but is he the problem? Is Shannen? They both seem sad and like they want to talk to the other one. Or something. Maybe if I understood what the glowing buttons on her phone meant I'd be better able to puzzle this out.

 

Nope. I guess not. Mark makes a sort of sour face, and hangs up the pay phone, walking back to the video set. Shannen just rides off in her cab, an enigma. And that's it. The video just ends. Which one of them wasn't being "true anymore"? We'll never know. 

But I mean, we can guess. And my guess is that while they could afford to get Shannen Doherty to be in this video, they couldn't afford — or possibly, given her reputation for um, let's say prickly behavior — couldn't negotiate her really being in this video. 

Based on what we see here, we can safely assume Doherty and Slaughter never actually crossed paths in real life. They don't even use that favorite low-budget trick of showing the image of one superimposed beside the image of the other, implying they're, you know, thinking about each other or something. 

Instead, we just get an icy non-relationship between a singer and a model/actress. Boo! This is not very romantic. This is not "Real Love." This is called a gratuitous cameo. It doesn't buy us very much. Nor does it seem to buy Slaughter very much. 

Unlike Color Me Badd (who are featured extensively in an early episode of a show), or the zillion bands who grace the stage of the Peach Pit After Dark (including, improbably, the Flaming Lips), Slaughter never even made it onto 90210. 

I should point out though that Doherty's appearance marks the second time (that I know of thus far) that an actor from 90210 appears in a metal video. The third one, as we saw not too long ago, was Jason Wiles (aka "Colin") in Bon Jovi's "Always." And the first one? Well, it's pretty amazing — too amazing to waste on the last line of a post about a Slaughter video. So unless you already know what I'm talking about, you're just going to have to wait and see. 

And speaking of last words, just when I think I'm getting to have it, it turns out Beavis and Butt-head totally watched this video — I can't believe I forgot that. Season 5, Episode 11, "Career Day" — "Real Love" is the first video they watch. Suffice to say the boys do not have kind words for Ms. Doherty. 

My favorite part though is when Beavis freaks out while trying to spit out the numbers "90210", and Butt-head slaps him, saying "Beavis, next time you're talking about that show, just say 'Beverly Hills' and forget about the numbers, okay."

Poison, "Every Rose Has Its Thorn"

Power Ballad Cliches, Part II  

THE VIDEO Poison, "Every Rose Has Its Thorn," Open Up and Say... Ahh!, 1988, Capitol 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Eaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyv-ry rose has its thawn / jest laaaaaahk eaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyv-ry naght / has its daw-aawww-awww-awwwn / jest laaahk eaaaayyyv-ry cow-ow-boy / sings his sad, say-ad sawng / eaaaaaaaaaaaaaavvvvv-ry rose has its thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwn" 

THE VERDICT Yeah baby! It's March again, so you know what that means! Wait, you don't know what that means? Allow me to refresh your memory! Once again, it's Power Ballad Month! For the entire month of March, we'll be focusing on one of hair metal's core components — the power ballad.

Kicking it off, it's Poison with "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." I picked this one for a lot of reasons. It's one of those songs everyone knows, and so you see it misattributed all over the place (Def Leppard? Guns N Roses!?!?). 

But for our purposes, its video boasts a bevy of power ballad video cliches. I went into this topic at length last year with the video that I argue originated a lot of these cliches, but "Every Rose" gives us a nice refresher on some of these. 

Lead Singer Has Lady Problems: I've made this argument at length elsewhere, but suffice to say that whenever it's a breakup song, suddenly the lead singer has a girlfriend. This signals to any ladies out there listening that hey, he's available. It also signals to the guys that he's not totally whipped, since I mean he is breaking up with her after all. 

"Every Rose" uses this just at the beginning of the video, and then never brings it up again. We see a truly glorious Bret Michaels asleep in bed with a woman who sort of looks like a more voluptuous version of Downtown Julie Brown. Okay, maybe it's just the fact that she appears to be sleeping in a sports bra and an incredibly high-waisted thong — seriously, it's like a Mom thong, if there is such a thing. I'm glad we've moved on from the time when underwear was cut that way.

 

Besides the thong, there's a lot of discomfort in the room. One, they've left a fire burning in the fireplace, which doesn't seem safe. Two, both have their eyes open and are shifting around a lot. Three, Bret is sleeping with a whole bunch of jewelry on — that is so uncomfortable! And if that stuff's cheap at all, he's gonna wind up with green stains on his wrists. 

Anyway, we just see this romantic interlude for the very beginning of the video. As soon as Bret gets out of bed (and just before we get to clearly see his teeny bikini briefs!) the shot fades out and we move on. Oh, also the song finally starts, since the whole beginning of the video is silent except for the rustling of the bed sheets and the crackling of the fire. 

Grainy Behind-the-Scenes Footage: Most of this video is shot in a sort of blue-tinted black and white, but we also see a lot of backstage footage that's in grainy black and white. I don't know what it is about showing some film grain that just screamed verite to metal video directors of the 80s, but they sure loved that stuff. Lots of C.C. DeVille and Rikki Rockett looking pensive. 

Footage of the Band Rocking Out: If this is your first introduction to this band, Poison don't want you to be confused by the fact that it's a power ballad. Similarly, if you forgot about "I Won't Forget You" and only listened to the other tracks on Look What the Cat Dragged In, Poison don't want you to abandon them, thinking they've somehow stopped rocking. As a reminder then, this video includes lots of live footage of the band playing songs that are obviously not this one. 

The part where Bret is screaming and windmilling his arms, with his eyes so bugged out he's a dead ringer for Jani Lane, gets used in a lot of Vh-1 montages. Also included are lots of shots of Rikki drumming super-intensely with his hair soaking wet with sweat. 

They also put in lots of slow-mo action shots. This has the advantage of demonstrating how hard the band is capable of rocking, while at the same time taking things down to a power ballad pace. Lots of the shots of Rikki are slow-mo, as is some stuff of Bobby smashing a guitar (or trying to anyway) and Bret jumping off some risers.

 

"It's Soo Hard On the Road!": Oh man, this video lets you know that as much as Poison's rocking, they really are leaving it all out on the stage, and are drained and broken men when the curtain falls. Seriously. 

There's no beer spraying and groupie groping in this video. Instead, we see a bunch of shots of Bret sitting around looking like his dog just died. We also see Bret getting his ankle taped, and Rikki having the same done to his fingers. Oh my god guys, they're killing themselves to entertain us! 

In case this isn't enough to convince us of the lonely, difficult life led by super-famous rock stars, we also see footage of an open highway through the tour bus' windshield, and the guys leaning their heads against the bus windows and staring listlessly into the distance. They pop off the bus and stretch, because being driven around in a tour bus is sooo hard. 

Perhaps the best of this though is the footage of Bobby Dall (who's barely in this video otherwise) crawling around on the stage, and being lifted to a semi-standing position by a roadie. It's unclear if Bobby's really that exhausted or if he's just pretty loaded, but either way it's clear rocking this hard isn't easy, kids. 

"We're Such Nice, Regular Guys!": Not all the backstage stuff is drama and sorrow. I mean, in this video most of it is, but we do still see a little bit of the fun-loving Poison we all know and love. Bret can't resist checking out the women hanging in the hallway backstage, or painting a white stripe down C.C.'s nose while he sleeps. See? Even though we're super-famous, we're still totally down to earth. Another name for this type of footage in power ballad videos is "We Would Totally Have a Beer With You."

Suddenly the Lead Singer Plays Guitar: Why is it that lead singers who never normally go near a guitar suddenly have chops when it comes to power ballads? I mean any other song, they're just the singers. Then the minute it slows down, it's like oh wait, I can do this too. 

A lot of this video we see Bret Michaels sitting on a stool in an otherwise empty space, playing an acoustic guitar with a blue rose painted on it. He's wearing wraparound sunglasses and a big black hat. 

I mean I get it — this is really Bret's song. But it's still kind of weird. At least for the solo, we see C.C. playing, so it's not like they try to convince us Bret suddenly became a guitar virtuoso. But still.

 

Ending on an Emotional Note: Though most of this video is live footage, we don't see many close-ups of fans. There are crowd shots, but all they demonstrate is that this is a quite-large arena. Toward the end though, we finally get close-ups — and it's a total of course shot for a power ballad video. Yup, it's a female fan, covered in sweat and her eyes shining with tears. An emotional experience for everyone! We also get the obligatory shot of the band members all putting their arms around each other and bowing to the crowd. 

I've heard this song about ten zillion times, and despite the fact that I don't care that much for the chorus (the enuncuation is too exaggerated for my taste, and it gets very repetitive and dirge-y), it's still a good one. 

I have heard Bret say before he wrote this song after calling some stripper he'd been dating while they were on tour for Look What the Cat Dragged In, and having a dude pick up the phone at her place. On the one hand, I guess it's an "aww" story, but on the other hand, come on, like this guy wasn't getting a ton of ass on the road? 

Still, this song has some truly great parts, mainly in the verses for me. The last bit, starting with "and now I hear you found somebody new / and that I never meant that much to you" gets me every time. Or maybe it's just that as Dave Chappelle and John Mayer point out, this song is really in the sweet spot of stuff white people like (or at least will dance to). 

They're just making the point that it has guitar in it, but if you really think about it, it fits. I mean it's metal, but it's also a very country song — listening to this, it's like duh Bret Michaels went on to do solo country stuff. 

Plus it doesn't have the hard edges that a song like "I Remember You" has, with the screamy vocals, making it an ideal gateway drug for people who never thought they'd listen to a metal song. If this is you, now go listen to the rest of Open Up and Say... Ahh!.

P.S. from 2020: Looking at some of my old notes for this site, I had gotten my hands on a VHS copy of Rock Video Girls 2, which includes the thong girl from the beginning of this video (that link goes to a photo of the back of the tape, you can see her really clearly). Her name is Monique Biffignani, and her only other credit is some Playboy lingerie thing. 

In RVG2, she says she left Oregon to go to LA when she was 13 or 14, and her big break was Mötley Crüe's "Girls, Girls, Girls" (and yes, you can totally see her in that post — she's the brunette wearing red, satiny undergarments with a sheer white top over them). 

Monique said she heard from a girlfriend that they were looking for dancers for a video, and to go down and "look as hot as you can." She lied and said she had experience as a dancer, and was cast in the video. That also got her cast in this video — she says the Crüe had met Poison through a photographer, and she got recommended.

Her other uncredited appearances include videos for Tone Loc, Young MC, and Bon Jovi. I still haven't figured out which Bon Jovi video she's in, though she mentions it was shot in the desert and that JBJ was "really nice" and "very involved" in making the video, though she didn't get to talk to him much. 

(And yes, I also own Rock Video Girls 3, but the only VCR I could find died before I had the chance to watch it!)