Nitro, "Freight Train"

All Aboard!  

THE VIDEO Nitro, "Freight Train," O.F.R., 1989, Rhino 

SAMPLE LYRIC "I'm on a freight traiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnn / I'monafreighttraincomin' / I'm on a freight traiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnn / I'monafreighttraincomin'" 

THE VERDICT Nitro are one of those groups where it's sort of like, did anyone actually listen to them in the 80s? I'm not sure. I definitely didn't know anyone who did. 

But then with the 00s and the birth of the viral video, suddenly everyone knew all about Nitro. Or at least, they knew that Nitro looked like a really over-the-top 80s parody, or maybe an obscure eastern European country's entry in the Eurovision Song Contest. 

But no, Nitro is regular ol' American hair metal. They are even on the cover of the book American Hair Metal. 

That said, there's nothing random about Nitro. This band was, as far as I can tell, a calculated effort to take every element of metal to its logical extreme. Vocalist Jim Gillette was known for shattering wine glasses by screaming, while guitarist Michael Angelo is famed for his "Quad Guitar X-400," which is more or less what it sounds like. I guess it goes to 44? It just makes me think of the Mooninites' quad laser. 

It's the kind of thing where you feel like, if they'd shown up with this in like, 1984, Nitro would've been huge. People would have thought this was so way cool. But by the time Nitro come around, I feel like people had kind of moved on. I mean the bands that used to have the really big hair (Mötley Crüe, Cinderella, Poison) now just had long hair, and some of the bands that previously had long hair now in some instances had short hair (think like Scott and Charlie in Anthrax). 

At first I thought Michael Angelo was the guy from the old "Metal Method" ads, but that's a dude named Doug Marks. But then a little googling and — lo and behold! — not only does Metal Method totally still exist, but both Michael Angelo (now using his last name, so Michael Angelo Batio) and Jim Gillette are instructors for them. Amazing!!

 

Oh wow — this is even more amazing. They were instructors for them. It says Jim's lessons were recorded in the early 90s. This is possibly even more amazing than if he were still doing it — these things are freaking artifacts! 

Michael Angelo, on the other hand, appears to still be at it — his most recent lessons are from 2010. Seriously, one day I may have to get it together and just scan some of these old ads, 'cause it seems like no one has put the old stuff online anywhere. I mean the Hit Parader I was (successfully) looking through for old Metal Method ads has ads like "40 yards lace $2.25." They say it is "marvelous for dresses, pillowcases, etc." but come on, this is Hit Parader, you're selling this stuff to people who will tie it to mic stands a la Steven Tyler. 

Ahhh!! Here we go. It took some digging, but I totally turned up a two-page ad for Jim Gillette's Metal Power. Please allow me to reproduce some of the copy, with original formatting intact: 

Have you ever wished you could hit those glass shattering high notes? If so, METAL POWER is for YOU! Instructor Jim Gillette has combined extensive Opera training along with his own unique style to create method of singing GUARANTEED to improve your range and power! Jim now has an amazing 5-OCTAVE RANGE and is striving for his 6th? How is such a range possible? Lots of dedication and the same technique offered in his lessons! 

Oh man, that is the stuff! My favorite is that opera is capitalized and in italics. Whoa, for $8 you could also get yourself an autographed copy of his debut album, Proud to Be Loud.

Next to an extra-ridiculous photo of Jim in full makeup, elaborately-teased hair, and a leather jacket with lots of chains is — wait, OMG, I just noticed that Jim is standing around a bunch of wine glasses on platters. You can't make this stuff up. 

Yup, I think we're supposed to imagine those shattering while he sings, since anyway as I was saying, next to this astonishing image it says "WARNING: This album contains the highest screams and fastest guitars ever recorded. Listen at your own risk." 

If you're wondering if these "fastest guitars" are Michael Angelo and the quad guitar, don't worry, they are. Later they changed the album art to this much less glammy pic, so thank goodness someone thought to scan the original.

 

Oh wow. These ads are the gift that keeps on giving. Apparently there is also a hotline you can just call to talk to Jim. "As an added bonus, JIM CAN BE REACHED BY CALLING THE HOTLINE." 

They also give extensive warnings around lesson IV, which is scream exercises. They say (again, with the original formatting), "DO NOT SKIP LESSON I, II, AND III. YOU CANNOT LEARN TO SCREAM WITH LESSON IV ALONE!!!" Oh dang, that is just amazing. 

I got so wrapped up in looking through my old metal mags that I forgot to talk about the video. What happens here. Basically, what you'd expect. Everyone has severely giant hair, though Jim's enormous blonde palm tree of hair is the biggest. Seriously, his hair is like one of those freak vegetables that win ribbons at county fairs. And speaking of things not found in nature, that quad guitar is all over this video. 

Other than the band going nuts on a little soundstage, we also see footage of (surprise) a freight train. Now not long ago I drove to Arizona, and saw a lot of freight trains going through the desert. Those things aren't too fast. Like, you can beat them with your car, and you wouldn't even be speeding. Shouldn't the song have been about like, one of those Japanese bullet trains? Maybe those didn't exist yet. 

Also, I can't believe I forgot this — in the "where are they now" department, so obviously Michael Angelo is still teaching people to play metal guitar really, really fast. But what of Jim Gillette? Duh! I totally knew this and forgot. Jim Gillette is now of course Mr. Lita Ford. I love the fact that they got married having known each other for two weeks, and yet are still together. When you know, you know, I guess. 

Though also judging how many of her tweets are about how great he is in the sack, I think they're doing okay. That said, last spring there were rumors they were about to do a reality show, and for every Sharon and Ozzy, there's a zillion other people who were broken up by doing a cameras-follow-you-around-at-home-style reality show. 

Think about it: Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, that tattooed drummer from Blink-182 and the Playboy Bunny, Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro, Brigitte Neilsen and Flavor Flav (though technically they also got together on a reality show, so...). 

That said, I can't find much more info on it than this sort of demo video Lita herself posted, so who knows if this is still really happening. 

Hold the presses! Oh snap and a half! Apparently this is on hold because in the time between when I wrote this post and well, now (and as I'm writing this it's still two weeks before this one goes up online — yeah, I work way ahead of schedule to make sure I bring you metal each and every week) Lita Ford and Jim Gillette are getting divorced. 

I'm like wait, what!?!? They didn't even make it to having their lives invaded by a reality show, and already?!?! You look at her Twitter and as of July she's saying "all is good" and tweeting hints about the reality show, and then yeah, I guess there is kind of radio silence for a while, and now they're splitting?!?! I mean, if the guitarist from the Runaways can't find true love with the ex-singer of Nitro, what chance does this mean the rest of us have?

Whitesnake, "Here I Go Again"

Yes, It's That Video With the Girl and the Cars  

THE VIDEO Whitesnake, "Here I Go Again," Whitesnake, 1987, Geffen 

SAMPLE LYRIC "And here I go again on my oh-ow-own / goin' down the only road I've ever kno-own! / like a drifter I was baw-owrn to walk a-loh-oh-one" 

THE VERDICT Thought I was gonna do something all romantic for Valentine's Day, did you? Nah. I'm saving all that stuff for March, when yes, for the second year in a row I am going to be doing a whole month of nothing but power ballads. Given that we have all that syrupy sweet stuff coming down the pike, I didn't feel too compelled to go in that direction this week. 

Besides, haven't you had enough pink and hearts and angels and looove and whatnot crammed down your throat? Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again" video is kind of an antidote for that stuff. I mean yeah, as per always, David Coverdale is full-on open-mouth-kissing Tawny Kitaen all over this video. Seriously, it's like a mama bird feeding a baby bird. Gee-ross. 

But really, "Here I Go Again" isn't a relationship song in that way at all. It's a breakup song, or more specifically, a divorce song. David Coverdale wrote it when he realized his previous marriage had reached the point of no return. Hence, "here I go again on my own." It's a pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on song. 

Also though, I had to do it because this is really a classic 80s metal video. Even though Whitesnake aren't, you know, that metal per se, Tawny Kitaen doing a front walkover on those Jaguars is really part of the metal canon. I mean think about it — this video has basically everything people thought was sexy in the 80s:

 

Lots of keyboards: Most Whitesnake songs aren't especially keyboard heavy, but this one's got more memorable keyboard fills than guitar solos. And think about it — the 80s were the decade of the keyboard. Between synthesizers and keytars, it was like every genre of music at least briefly embraced some kind of digital love. 

Okay not thrash metal, but most other stuff. This video really foregrounds the keyboards, too. The whole first verse, until it really starts rocking, we keep seeing Adrian Vandenberg, John Sykes, and dude honestly, I'm not even sure who else (they're backlit and like half a dozen people contributed bass and keyboard work to this album) each with his own giant keyboard. 

Adrian and one other guy are also holding guitars, which amuses me. But yeah, the beginning of this song, and how it's visualized, feels like a sort of weird keyboard church thing. 

Tawny Kitaen: This is the kind of gal America loved in the 80s. Think about it — great smile, tons of hair, long legs, plus it's the pre-implants era. Physically, Tawny's got a lot in common with other paragons of 80s beauty like Christie Brinkley or Tiffani Amber Thiessen Kelly Kapowski. 

She also sports some seriously 80s fashions in this video. The sheer white shirt thing over a thong-leotard is some hardcore 80s weirdness. It's like she's having some kind of "Calgon, take me away" moment there on the Jags. But also the shimmery green dress she wears in the car just screams Dynasty to me — so again, super 80s. 

Also — I don't know why, but I just remembered this, which means probably you'll remember it too — remember how after this, Tawny co-hosted the genuinely awful America's Funniest People? With Dave Coulier, the unfunny Full House uncle and inexplicable inspiration for "You Oughta Know"? You know, it was sort of like America's Funniest Home Videos (which at the time was hosted by Bob Saget, so hey, how come Uncle Jesse never got his own VHS blooper show?), but crossed with Candid Camera?

Apparently some other gal was the original cohost, but I only remember Tawny doing it. Post-Coverdale, it was where she went again on her own. Who knew that the idiocy of the Jackalope was the only road she'd ever known.

 

Expensive cars: The pair of Jaguars that Tawny plays on are really an iconic piece of this video, and of the time. Imagine the whole "yes I'll take one in black, and one in white, and then I'll let my girlfriend cartwheel around on them" transaction — very smooth, very 80s. 

I feel like having some kind of over-the-top car was basically a requirement of 80s movies, particularly teen movies where the car belongs to someone's dad and gets destroyed or at least dinged up. Think the Porsche in Risky Business, the Rolls in Sixteen Candles, the Ferrari in Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Ooh, or sportscars and iconic 80s women! Remember Christie Brinkley and the red Ferrari in National Lampoon's Vacation? 

Miami Vice-style mens' suits: In discussing the wardrobe in this video, let us not forget to mention the incredible Miami Vice-esque unstructured suit that David Coverdale is wearing in the car. His jacket is deep teal! It would totally look good on Tubbs. 

You know a couple of years back a friend of mine unearthed some deadstock jackets just like that that were actually from the Miami Vice collection (apparently they sold branded apparel), but they were a little expensive so I turned them down. Bad decision, I would be totally stoked if I had one of those now. 

Long story short though, this was the look of the 80s, at least for yup-wardly mobile men. Just the other day I read an article where Duran Duran claimed that they started this look and then Miami Vice picked it up, but come on, who are they kidding. In any event, with his turquoise soft blazer and skinny black tie, David Coverdale is totally rocking the soft suit.

Debauchery: I know, I know. This is hardly unique to the 80s. But I put this here for one reason, and one reason alone. Um, in case you hadn't guessed where this was going, a NSFW reason. Four words: Tawny Kitaen nip slip. 

Now like a zillion times I had heard David Coverdale claim that in this video, there's a part where one of her breasts just pops on out, but I'd never believed it. He always uses it as a like "we were so wild in those days" anecdote. 

Having now gone through the video in my typical fine-toothed-comb manner (more or less frame by frame), I can say for myself: Um, it's there. Everyone I've shown it to has confirmed that yeah, we've got boobage. 

In the actual video, it goes by way too fast for you to notice. But slow it down and yeah, that just happened. And I'm not talking like, in an uncensored, never-shown-on-TV version. I mean like on MTV, on Vh-1, and most definitely on the official Whitesnake YouTube channel. This is not an urban legend, it's real. 

It really surprised me that it isn't already all over the internet. I mean, isn't this the kind of thing the internet lives for? Then again, I imagine it's probably not like, super hard to see just about anyone topless or whatever these days. 

Still, it kind of amazed me — for all the purported debauchery people always complained about in heavy metal videos, this was the first time ever that I was like, dang, they were a little bit right! (Er, well, actually, it's the left one.) 

Long story short, between the fast times, the sexy times, and all the keyboards, the "Here I Go Again" video more or less encapsulates the 80s. Or at least, one version of the 80s. A white dude, fast cars and fast women, keyboard-scored version.

David Lee Roth, "Just Like Paradise"

Paradise Lost  

THE VIDEO David Lee Roth, "Just Like Paradise", Skyscraper, 1988, Warner Bros. 

SAMPLE LYRIC "This must be just like livin' in paradise / just like para-di-ise! / and I don't wanna go ho-ooommme" 

THE VERDICT I know, I know — this video is coming close to the nadir of Roth-dom. But I've had this song in my head a lot lately. Why? Hmm, let's think. It's the middle of winter. Most of the country is covered in snow, with more snow being dumped on it all the time. And here I am, jogging outside in shorts, 'cause it's 76 degrees and sunny. No humidity, palm trees, warm breeze. Yes, this is just like living in paradise. And I actually do live here! 

The downside of this, of course, is that this song is pretty rough. I think that if this were Van Halen, they could've possibly pulled it off, but solo Diamond Dave not so much. Skyscraper is probably Roth's most straightforward, non-campy solo work, and it makes you realize that if Eddie Van Halen's not there, he probably needs to stick to the "ze-bop!" 

The video features a lot of footage of Dave rock climbing, which according to his autobiography is a big hobby of his. Actually, he seems to be pretty into extreme sports and travel in general — like half the photos in Crazy from the Heat (the book, not the album) are of him in places like Papua New Guinea doing outdoorsy stuff. 

The ads for this album also were all about the rock climbing. I have the April 1988 issue of Hit Parader (which features an amazing Dokken cover, btw) and the back cover is an ad for Skyscraper with the tag line "EXTREME ROCK" over a photo of Dave rock climbing that's clearly from when this video was shot. 

If only he had stayed super-successful a couple of years longer, Dave could've totally guested on MTV Sports. 'Memba that one? Come on, you know you thought Dan Cortese was cool at the time. 

Actually, no. Dan Cortese was never cool. He's got the Diamond Dave all-crazy-all-the-time personality, but none of the charm. Though I do give the guy credit for basically spoofing himself in the Seinfeld episode where Elaine dates him just for his looks, and he takes George and Kramer rock climbing. See?! Rock climbing!

 

In retrospect, I'm surprised Dave was never in any of MTV's "Rock N Jock" specials (I mean, Sammy Hagar was). Apparently MTV2 has a more recent series called Rock N Jock, but it's not the same thing as the old "Rock N Jock B-Ball Jam", trust. (Okay if you click that last link, I'm not sure which is the more amazing part — watching all those awkward white women sing along, or the four times that Marky Mark Mark Wahlberg pulls his pants all the way down and raps in his tightie-whities.) 

Or I mean look at the 1991 Rock N Jock softball game — Bret Michaels, Kip Winger, and Steven Adler all play in the game, and Steve Vai plays the national anthem! Wow, this is the most fun I've had with Youtube in a while. I know I'm preaching to the choir on this one, but dang I miss old MTV. 

Anyway. Besides Dave's penchant for extreme sports, what else gets indulged in this video? Uhh basically all of it. It's just Dave and friends playing on a stage with tons of colored lights. Dave changes outfits a bunch, but he's mostly wearing what I would describe as a sort of Tyrolean-inspired vest and chaps ensemble. 

Steve Vai is there, and he's definitely bringing the cheese. One thing I notice is I make fun of Steve Vai pretty regularly on here, but he's the one person who fits in that category whom I've never gotten a single email defending. Maybe everyone else finds his constant guitar-humping as unappealing as I do. Steve takes this to a new level in this video with his heart-shaped, three-necked guitar. 

For real, guys. I remember seeing this video as an eight-year-old and thinking that that was stupid. And that was when I was eight. Which was in the 80s. I mean if there was one time in history when someone such as a naive little child could have been persuaded Steve Vai's heart-shaped guitar was cool, that was it. Then again, considering I was watching David Lee Roth videos, I wasn't that naive I guess.

 

This video also features (just barely) a random bassist and a keyboardist, but Dave and Steve really run the show here. Gregg Bissonette is occasionally visible, wearing what appears to be a neon wetsuit, in keeping with the extreme sports theme. At one point he climbs on top of the drum kit, sort of the drummer equivalent of all the Steve Vai guitar antics. 

Every time you think this video is just them prancing around the stage and making faces at the camera, something completely ridiculous happens. Dave does some slow-mo jumps in silky pants. Everything goes into super-saturated colors, or skips frames, so the motion looks jerky and weird. So much crotch thrusting you can't believe it. 

And then next thing you know, the drum kit has lifted off the stage into the air. Dave is in an effing boxing ring flying over where the crowd would be, if one were there. He punches at the camera with his glittering, rhinestone-covered boxing gloves. OMG, now Dave's got a samurai sword. 

Seriously, it's like every idea they had, no matter how cheesy, got the green light for this one. They're synchronized dancing in dry ice fog. And this isn't half-assed "Hot for Teacher" dancing. You can tell Steve Vai is 100% down with the dancing. 

Just when you think it can't get any cheesier, Dave rides a flying surfboard off the stage. According to a photo caption in his autobio, the flying surfboard can be explained thusly: "It starts with tiny multi-colored chaser lights around your rear license plate. But eventually you graduate to this sort of thing." He actually brought the flying surfboard on tour with him. 

Once Dave has the headband on, you know it's all downhill from there. He can re-join Van Halen, or not re-join, but it's never going to be the same again. Something about that headband signifies that a bridge has been crossed. 

Maybe it's that he's admitting he's aging, and his hairline isn't what it used to be? Maybe it's that it seems to lead to more over-the-top costumery? I'm not sure. All I can say is that once the headband comes out, there's trouble in paradise.

Celtic Frost, "Cherry Orchards"

Candle in the Weird  

THE VIDEO Celtic Frost, "Cherry Orchards," Cold Lake, 1988, Noise 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Cherry orchards / ginger looks upon pain / cherry orchards / August fades like tears in vain" 

THE VERDICT Full disclosure: I don't know very much about this band. That said, this video has always made me really curious — it's a really weird song, and an oddly art-y video for a later 80s metal video. Everything I've ever heard about it implies that this is a severe departure for Celtic Frost — allmusic calls it "one of the most misguided changes in artistic direction in heavy metal history". Long story short, I took it upon myself to learn more about what's going on here and write this post. 

I had thought about saving this video and doing like a "dead celebrities" theme month, but then I thought it would be kind of too morbid. Still, we could have doubled up on the Marilyn with "Photograph." And of course there's "The Ballad of Jayne." Hmm, after that the pickings get a bit thin though. I guess we'd have to go with the Cult's ultra-weird "Edie (Ciao Baby)." I guess metal guys prefer dead midcentury blondes. 

Anyway. So Celtic Frost — what was their deal? Well, having been at the vanguard of European metal with what most folks describe as an avant garde mix of death/black metal with classical elements, they apparently had an extremely Spinal Tap-esque misadventure-filled American tour. 

Lead singer Tom Warrior had more or less given up when fellow Swiss dude Oliver Amberg (who wrote this song) convinced him to give it one more try. The result was Cold Lake, which apparently everyone now wants to forget and yet, no one can. 

Now as someone who knew this song without having any strong association with the band, I have actually always really enjoyed it — I mean if you read this, you probably know that this sort of bizarro glam is more up my alley than the type of music described above. That said, I can definitely see how if you were into what I described above, you'd be absolutely shocked to see this band don artfully shredded jeans and guyliner. 

Still, this isn't your typical hair metal. I mean, the start-stop instrumentation? The creepy voiceover? Lyrics that sound like haiku? Dress up all you want, boys, but this wasn't going to be a magic bullet (or what does Billboard call that one chart? Heatseekers, I think).

 

The video is similarly oddly artsy. It's shot mainly in black and white, except for occasional bits that are in extremely bleached out color (and often shot upside down or sideways). But what else goes on here? 

Okay, well at the beginning, the everyone-is-playing-everyone-else's-guitars sequence is kind of amazing. Tom is playing the guitar Oliver is holding, and bassist Curt Bryant is playing the guitar Tom is holding, and there's an extra guitar just stuck in the back there that no one's playing. You'd think the band that plays together, stays together, but this version of the Celtic Frost lineup lasted all of two seconds, so. 

The band are playing in a fairly typical metal soundstage type area — big Pearl drum kit, stacks of Marshall amps, gratuitous wires etc. laying about. The biggest difference is that gigantic photos of Marilyn Monroe are being projected onto the walls on either side of them. Some are promo-ey looking photos, others are more candid. Apparently this song is about Marilyn, but I'll be damned if I can figure out how. The lyrics are pretty uh, abstract. 

Oh I almost forgot! The other thing I enjoy about this video is that thanks to a weird shot at the beginning that appears to be of the director waving at the camera with Tom Warrior, we know exactly when this was filmed — October 11, 1988. It's written on a clapperboard we see below their faces — you know, the black and white thing they use to mark takes. 

Oliver Amberg really works the eyeliner and the super-teased shag. He's also wearing really carefully deconstructed jeans and an awesome-looking t-shirt that I can't quite ID. 

He looks just like somebody, I can't quite place who — oh, it's the super-hot guy in Decline II who talks about being mistaken for a girl when he's in his car, but also like, someone from an actual band. Oliver really likes making eyes at the camera from under his thick bangs.

 

Tom Warrior is wearing a big white shirt, black pleather-y pants, and a wide, studded belt. His hair has been severely teased, and he's got on lots of eyeliner. Still, his face and especially his teeth have always made me think he looks like Chris Benoit. Like a glam Chris Benoit, anyway. 

We don't see the drummer, Stephen Priestly, very well, but he looks to be wearing a Marilyn Monroe tee. I also enjoy that at the end of the video, he does the Tommy Lee thing (put one arm up beside your head and make a pouty/surprised expression) not once but three times in a row. It's like he wanted to make really sure they got that on film. 

Curt has super-poufy hair a la Jeff La Bar, and is wearing a black jacket with a bunch of little like embroidered things on it or maybe pins. You know that bad faux Versace/Giorgio of Beverly Hills stuff people loved in the 80s. Little crests and stuff like that. 

One of the weirdest parts of this video is the guitar solo. It's shot in that sort-of-faded-out color, and we basically see it from the point of view of the guitar's neck. It's mostly Tom's hands really close up, but it's on an odd angle, so it's not like you get a good sense of what he's doing other than spinning past everyone else in the band. 

Also, every time we get the woman's voice, everything goes all crazy. Black and white images of Marilyn Monroe are superimposed over faded color footage of the band, and all of it's at crazy angles. Did MTV ever actually play this, or did Vh-1 Classic dig this up on their own? The more I watch this video, the weirder it gets. 

Also the song — how is this about Marilyn Monroe exactly? I had always assumed maybe it was about the similarly-named Chekhov play, which would seem to make more sense given Celtic Frost's interests in highbrow esoterica. In both cases, we could think about the cherry trees as metaphors for the impermanence of life — yes, in some ways, this is basically Celtic Frost's "Candle in the Wind." Or "Dust in the Wind." Nah, Marilyn Monroe theme means "Candle" beats "Dust" here. 

But no, for real, in the Chekhov play (as here) there are themes of impermanence, of change being the only thing you can count on. Cherry blossoms blow away, the cherry orchard is chopped down. Okay, okay, maybe I'm stretching too far. But seriously, you try to decipher these lyrics.