THE VIDEO David Lee Roth, "Just Like Paradise", Skyscraper, 1988, Warner Bros.
SAMPLE LYRIC "This must be just like livin' in paradise / just like para-di-ise! / and I don't wanna go ho-ooommme"
THE VERDICT I know, I know — this video is coming close to the nadir of Roth-dom. But I've had this song in my head a lot lately. Why? Hmm, let's think. It's the middle of winter. Most of the country is covered in snow, with more snow being dumped on it all the time. And here I am, jogging outside in shorts, 'cause it's 76 degrees and sunny. No humidity, palm trees, warm breeze. Yes, this is just like living in paradise. And I actually do live here!
The downside of this, of course, is that this song is pretty rough. I think that if this were Van Halen, they could've possibly pulled it off, but solo Diamond Dave not so much. Skyscraper is probably Roth's most straightforward, non-campy solo work, and it makes you realize that if Eddie Van Halen's not there, he probably needs to stick to the "ze-bop!"
The video features a lot of footage of Dave rock climbing, which according to his autobiography is a big hobby of his. Actually, he seems to be pretty into extreme sports and travel in general — like half the photos in Crazy from the Heat (the book, not the album) are of him in places like Papua New Guinea doing outdoorsy stuff.
The ads for this album also were all about the rock climbing. I have the April 1988 issue of Hit Parader (which features an amazing Dokken cover, btw) and the back cover is an ad for Skyscraper with the tag line "EXTREME ROCK" over a photo of Dave rock climbing that's clearly from when this video was shot.
If only he had stayed super-successful a couple of years longer, Dave could've totally guested on MTV Sports. 'Memba that one? Come on, you know you thought Dan Cortese was cool at the time.
Actually, no. Dan Cortese was never cool. He's got the Diamond Dave all-crazy-all-the-time personality, but none of the charm. Though I do give the guy credit for basically spoofing himself in the Seinfeld episode where Elaine dates him just for his looks, and he takes George and Kramer rock climbing. See?! Rock climbing!
In retrospect, I'm surprised Dave was never in any of MTV's "Rock N Jock" specials (I mean, Sammy Hagar was). Apparently MTV2 has a more recent series called Rock N Jock, but it's not the same thing as the old "Rock N Jock B-Ball Jam", trust. (Okay if you click that last link, I'm not sure which is the more amazing part — watching all those awkward white women sing along, or the four times that Marky Mark Mark Wahlberg pulls his pants all the way down and raps in his tightie-whities.)
Or I mean look at the 1991 Rock N Jock softball game — Bret Michaels, Kip Winger, and Steven Adler all play in the game, and Steve Vai plays the national anthem! Wow, this is the most fun I've had with Youtube in a while. I know I'm preaching to the choir on this one, but dang I miss old MTV.
Anyway. Besides Dave's penchant for extreme sports, what else gets indulged in this video? Uhh basically all of it. It's just Dave and friends playing on a stage with tons of colored lights. Dave changes outfits a bunch, but he's mostly wearing what I would describe as a sort of Tyrolean-inspired vest and chaps ensemble.
Steve Vai is there, and he's definitely bringing the cheese. One thing I notice is I make fun of Steve Vai pretty regularly on here, but he's the one person who fits in that category whom I've never gotten a single email defending. Maybe everyone else finds his constant guitar-humping as unappealing as I do. Steve takes this to a new level in this video with his heart-shaped, three-necked guitar.
For real, guys.
I remember seeing this video as an eight-year-old and thinking that that was stupid. And that was when I was eight. Which was in the 80s. I mean if there was one time in history when someone such as a naive little child could have been persuaded Steve Vai's heart-shaped guitar was cool, that was it. Then again, considering I was watching David Lee Roth videos, I wasn't that naive I guess.
This video also features (just barely) a random bassist and a keyboardist, but Dave and Steve really run the show here. Gregg Bissonette is occasionally visible, wearing what appears to be a neon wetsuit, in keeping with the extreme sports theme. At one point he climbs on top of the drum kit, sort of the drummer equivalent of all the Steve Vai guitar antics.
Every time you think this video is just them prancing around the stage and making faces at the camera, something completely ridiculous happens. Dave does some slow-mo jumps in silky pants. Everything goes into super-saturated colors, or skips frames, so the motion looks jerky and weird. So much crotch thrusting you can't believe it.
And then next thing you know, the drum kit has lifted off the stage into the air. Dave is in an effing boxing ring flying over where the crowd would be, if one were there. He punches at the camera with his glittering, rhinestone-covered boxing gloves. OMG, now Dave's got a samurai sword.
Seriously, it's like every idea they had, no matter how cheesy, got the green light for this one. They're synchronized dancing in dry ice fog. And this isn't half-assed "Hot for Teacher" dancing. You can tell Steve Vai is 100% down with the dancing.
Just when you think it can't get any cheesier, Dave rides a flying surfboard off the stage. According to a photo caption in his autobio, the flying surfboard can be explained thusly: "It starts with tiny multi-colored chaser lights around your rear license plate. But eventually you graduate to this sort of thing." He actually brought the flying surfboard on tour with him.
Once Dave has the headband on, you know it's all downhill from there. He can re-join Van Halen, or not re-join, but it's never going to be the same again. Something about that headband signifies that a bridge has been crossed.
Maybe it's that he's admitting he's aging, and his hairline isn't what it used to be? Maybe it's that it seems to lead to more over-the-top costumery? I'm not sure. All I can say is that once the headband comes out, there's trouble in paradise.