Dio, "Rainbow in the Dark"

The Wedding Countdown Begins  

THE VIDEO Dio, "Rainbow in the Dark," Holy Diver, 1983, Reprise 

SAMPLE LYRIC "No sign of the morning com-iiiiing / you've been left on your own! / like a rainbow in the dark / a rainbow in the dark!" 

THE VERDICT Okay, so if you're a regular reader, you know I've mentioned a couple times that I am getting married later this month, and I am buggin'. Weddings. Are. Horrible. I sleep like five hours a night because I'm constantly worrying about some idiotic bull. For serious, guys. I considered doing a whole theme month of songs about insanity, but decided I should try more of a "fake it 'til you make it" approach and go super-positive instead. 

So this whole month, we're doing songs that somehow relate to my wedding or my relationship with my fiance. Ha, I can see you cringing through the internet. Come on, you know it can't be that bad. I mean, I'm starting with Dio. You must love Dio. 

That said, this is gonna be one of those posts that features lengthy personal digressions (they're all gonna be like that this month), so if you're not feeling that, you might want to bail now. Or at least skim down to the bottom where I actually get around to talking about the video. 

So three years ago, driving back to my parents' house from New York in the midst of crazy sporadic downpours and thunderstorms, I actually saw not just one but several rainbows in the dark. I mean forget double rainbows! Friggin' lightning and rainbows at the same time — totally awesome. I'd never seen anything like it before, nor since. 

And also coincidentally, the previous weekend, I'd been with some people at a teeny tiny bar in the basement of an also pretty tiny hotel (post my ten-year high school reunion, just to add to the awfulness). For some reason they had a guy playing loud acoustic guitar — like he was really mic'd up in spite of the fact that the room was roughly the size of an average public bathroom. And you know people playing those kind of gigs always like, tell unfunny anecdotes between songs, even though everyone's like pleasssseeee don't talk, we can finally all hear each other without screaming.

 

Anyway, the high point was when he played what was actually a pretty decent solo acoustic version of "Rainbow in the Dark" which led me to scream and make the Dio sign. He then played the first few bars of "Holy Diver," which now that I think of it would be amazing acoustic, but my cheers were to no avail, as pretty soon it was back to deadly boring Oasis covers. I put some money in his tip jar though and I wrote "PLAY MORE DIO" on it. 

So when my fiance and I were very first dating, I told him this story — I can't even remember the context for it. And then the next time I saw him, he'd taught himself to play "Rainbow in the Dark" on his guitar, and played it for me (as well as "Cherry Pie," which I also love acoustic). So see? Relevant. 

Okay, to my wedding anyway. I had really hoped we'd be able to incorporate "Rainbow in the Dark" into the wedding in some way, but I don't think it'll actually happen. So this blog post is as close as we're gonna get. 

But what of the video? Well, it's astonishingly low-budget. And it takes place in London. Also, this video bizarrely — courageously? — chooses to tell the story of uh, well, of a pervert. We split between a totally badass-looking Dio standing on a rooftop, and then a totally sketchy-looking Englishman stalking a woman through the streets. He adjusts his tie constantly, which is an odd tic. 

 

The woman herself looks like she stepped out of a J. Geils Band video or something along those lines. She's got short 80s hair, and is wearing a red and white polka-dotted dress, red sheer tights, and low white heels (not your typical metal video chick). One of the most memorable parts of this video for me is when the pervy man gets distracted by a display of lingerie, and we suddenly get this weird montage of the lingerie, signs for peep shows, and a deli display full of meat. Oh Dio, your subtlety is a delight.

 

She seems to go in the "Cin Cinema," which greatly pleases the perv. He takes off his glasses and is all prepped to follow her inside, when suddenly he stops, shocked — yes, a super-young Vivian Campbell is busting out of there for the guitar solo, and the woman is definitely very interested in him. It scares the pervert right off. 

For some reason, this triggers further montages of the fronts of peep parlors and such. Uhoh! And now here's Jimmy Bain too! Then the woman kisses Viv. The perv is not pleased, to say the least. He drops his little briefcase and just runs away. 

I wonder if Vinny Appice was bummed he didn't get to be in this video. Then again, I guess unlike "Holy Diver," at least anyone who's not RJD getting to be in the video would probably be considered an improvement among the band members. 

I really enjoy that it seems like this video was not filmed on any kind of closed or even controlled set -- everyone they pass on the street is staring at the actors, or staring straight at the camera. I also feel like how incredibly windy it appears to be on the roof where Dio is gives us further indication of just how low-budge this video is. 

But can we also mention that this is an incredible song? For people who aren't familiar with the Dio oeuvre (I know, it's not you, but they're out there), this is the one they'll know — it actually gets played on classic rock radio. 

And I mean the keyboard riff in this is classic, just classic. You'd recognize it anywhere. You know me though, as per usual what gets me here are the evocative but somewhat nonsensical lyrics. "When there's lightning / you know it always brings me down / 'cause it's free and I see that it's me / who's lost and never fou-ou-ou-ound!" It doesn't get better than that, people. 

Suffice to say I don't know what this song's really about. He keeps being all "you've been left on your own / like a rainbow in the dark." But I feel like seeing a rainbow when you're in the dark would be a hopeful thing. (I mean, when I did see it, it was totally badass.) 

Y&T, "Contagious"

It's Prom Season!  

THE VIDEO Y&T, "Contagious," Contagious, 1987, David Geffen Company SAMPLE LYRIC "(Ohhhh, ohhhh-ohhhh, ohhhhh, ohhhh) / Ooh, is gettin' dangerous, it's con-tayyyy-jus!" [Repeat repeatedly] 

THE VERDICT Now I know for people who are serious about their Y&T, Contagious is more or less the band's death rattle. But for people like me who are decidedly unserious, well — get ready for a shocker — I freakin' love this song. 

I know, right? Me? Y&T? Who'da thunk it? 

But apparently while a slick production, soaring vocals, and chanting don't work for Y&T diehards, for me it can't work better. I listen to this song all the time — it's a staple in all my workout mixes. I don't think they sound like Bon Jovi wannabes (Bon-nabes?) at all — I just think they sound hella good. 

And the video! Oh the video. This is truly Y&T at their finest. It's like they've taken all the elements of their previous videos — young protagonists, bad 80s movie feel, Airplane-esque sight gags, transformations, and so on — and melded them into one ultra, mega, mecha Y&T video. 

They really outdo themselves on this one, folks. And I love it. (I think for this whole post, just imagine me talking to you as if I were Will Ferrell doing James Lipton.) 

The video kicks off with a random kid riding a skateboard down the sidewalk, and then a shot of a slick-looking 80s guy in a tux cruising in a convertible (he's basically the James Spader of this video). The skateboarding kid (who's wearing a Y&T tee, btw) gives the convertible dude two thumbs up. As the guy stops in front of a little bungalow-style house, the non-Meniketti members of Y&T pop up for the first round of "Hey!"s. 

We then see James Spader's date — an attractive 80s blonde in a white strapless dress. You know the type — pearl necklace, french twist, hot in a bitchy way. Yes, she's more or less the Jessica Wakefield of this video.

The guys in Y&T smile and step away from the camera as she leaves her house. As Jessica leaves the frame, we get our first glimpse of the video's protagonist — a classic 80s movie nerd in a striped suit and heavy-framed, thick glasses.

 

Hmm, what should we call him... So many options for 80s movie nerds, from Revenge of the Nerds to Weird Science to... oh my gosh, you know what movie I watched the other day 'cause it was on Netflix Watch Instantly? Zapped, with Scott Baio. I forgot how amazingly weird that one is. It's sort of like a really non-scary horror movie that's kind of a comedy. 

Also, I think since previously I'd always watched it on the USA Network (always such a good source of bad teen movies during the daytime when you were on school breaks) I hadn't realized how much toplessness there is in it. Dude, there's a freakin' ton. 

All right, this nerd here is reminding me of Scott Baio, because he's got that "I'm not really a nerd, I am just being made to act and dress this way" vibe, so I'm inclined to call him Chachi. But I think that's too confusing, so let's just go with Screech. 

Screech swoons seeing Jessica all dolled up. Meanwhile, Y&T are lurking nearby, plotting something. We see Jessica leaving from what I assume is her house, while Screech (with his pants pulled up well past the navel) is leaving from a house next door labeled "Alpha Chapter Chess Club." Whatever Y&T, we get it, he's a nerd. No need to over-establish things here. 

Jessica hops into James Spader's car, and Screech (standing next to an old-school bicycle) waves enthusiastically at her from beside his porch. Jessica and Spader exchange a look, and she rolls her eyes. Screech becomes embarrassed, and the power couple drives off. This makes 3/4 of Y&T, who appear to have been hiding in the bushes the whole time, totally crack up. 

Screech takes off on his bike, but he's quickly stopped by Dave Meniketti himself grabbing his handlebars and singing in his face. They pull Screech off his bike (which one member of Y&T helpfully rolls out of the way), and at last, we've got all four guys in Y&T. 

Two drive up in a powder blue convertible (license plate 'SLICKER') while the other two toss Screech into the car. They drive off, with both guys in the front seat turning all the way around to continue singing at Screech, who's jammed in the middle of the backseat. Screech looks like he's gonna puke as they push and pull him while singing straight into his face. 

Oh, get ready for a Y&T silly visual gag — they drive past a bungalow house with a couple standing in front of it looking like Grant Wood's "American Gothic" (weirdly, this is so not the only metal video with an "American Gothic" reference). As the Y&T car rolls by, we see a flash of pink and green light, and then suddenly the farm couple have wild blown-out hair and sunglasses on, as if they were in an old Maxell ad. This makes Y&T crack up, but appears to terrify Screech. Y&T are supernatural!

 

And suddenly, we're at the prom. We get all these little random establishing shots which are great. Spader helps Jessica out of his car. A seriously MC Hammer-looking dude (he's got that weird tiny ponytail!) gets out of a Jeep Wrangler, while another couple walks by. 

Y&T pull up in front of a large banner that reads (in multi-colored block letters) "Warren G Harding Summer School Registration June 6th." They appear to be grabbing at something outside the car as they pull in. Then we see a random kid in a tux spraypainting the side of a dumpster, adding his tag before casually tossing the spraycan in the dumpster and being joined by his date. Seriously, can I watch this movie? 

Y&T hop out of their car, leaving a confused Screech behind. He fumbles his way out of the car, and the camera follows a couple's feet as they enter the school. They begin to climb stairs, while the camera goes under them, joining a dice game. Y&T join, and after Dave Meniketti rolls the dice, he then waves his hand again. A flash of light appears, and suddenly there are like two dozen dice, all sixes. 

The dudes who they seriously appear to have dressed as Run-DMC circa "My Adidas" appear nonplussed, while again Screech seems absolutely freaked out by Y&T's magic. (I'd also be remiss if I didn't mention that the dice players also include a white guy dressed as Ad-Rock in "(You Gotta) Fight for Your Right (To Party)", down to the red Stuyvesant t-shirt.)

Y&T bust into the prom, again pared down to a trio— what, did the director only let their drummer be in shots where he was sitting behind something? (The car, drumkit, etc.) That's cold. Oh no wait, there's four. Dang, did they get rid of their old drummer? (Again, this is how you know I'm no Y&T superfan.) 

They all sing enthusiastically. There's a dorky band playing onstage ("Yellow Tangerine," according to their bass drum) beneath a banner with what I assume is the prom's theme, "I did it my way." This repulses Y&T, and with an explosion of red light, they replace the band (and their banner and balloons, which gets switched to a Y&T banner). Y&T immediately commence rocking. 

Also yeah, this is totally a different drummer. I honestly hope that guy left the band for real, and they didn't just ditch the chubby guy they formerly had for this video (though if they had, it'd fit with the ethos of this video).

 

We see a couple of nerdy-ish guys enjoying the music, one dribbling a basketball. We also see a table of people watching, including I swear to god a guy who looks like their old drummer, who is holding a skateboard. I also enjoy the "surfer couple" — a blonde girl in a bikini top, sarong, and pukka shell necklace, and a blonde guy in just a white blazer (no shirt) and a similar necklace. Seriously, they could've stepped right out of "Party All Night." 

We can see balloons and streamers behind them, as well as a poster that says "Harding High School congratulates Dwayne Poindexter." Okay, I'm assuming that's Screech, but we can't see what he's being congratulated for. 

Ohh the next bit is classic Y&T video. We get a juxtaposition of first a quartet of nerdy, school-marmish women drinking from tea cups, and then a quartet of exaggerated biker types spiking the punch, with one woman taking a bite out of her cup and then spitting it out. 

We also see a couple of dudes in trench coats, hats, and sunglasses watching from the side — I'm not even sure what this is supposed to be. A new variety of nerd? Narcs? Principal? No idea. 

Jessica and James Spader walk through the room, and Screech tries to stop them. Spader soldiers on, but Jessica actually slows momentarily. Screech looks mortified and slinks away. We see many shots of Y&T chanting and rocking out, then another very Y&T gag — students dropping guns on a table in front of a man and a woman. At first it's hard to see, but there's a chalkboard to their right that says "Check your weapons here." 

There's also another congratulations sign behind the man at the table, but again, it's been placed too low to read what it's for. I don't know why they'd go to the trouble to make those signs and place them in the shots just to have them be obscured! 

The camera zooming into Meniketti's mouth tells us it is, indeed, "time to get wiiiiild." All the students at the prom jump up from their tables at once and begin enthusiastically dancing right in front of the stage (this shot was a bad idea — it's wide angle, and lets us see just how few people are actually there). I should also mention all Y&T's amps say "Y&T" on them. Not Marshall, not even Peavey. Just generic — oh, I mean, Y&T. Sure.

 

Screech makes a grab for Meniketti's guitar, and Dave waggles a "tsk-tsk" finger at him. He then points right at Screech. Screech spins around and slowly points at himself, and then poof! In a blast of gold light, he becomes transformed into an 80s movie hottie in a white tuxedo. He even winks right at us! 

Yes friends, Screech has become Zack Morris. Jessica is of course terribly impressed by this, while her date James Spader is much less so. Zack looks over at her all "How you doin'?" She seems amazed by this and hurries to his side. 

Zack then points again, and with a flash of green light turns Spader (or at least his head) into a cheap rubber mask monster. Meantime, Y&T are rocking hard, and Jessica is all over Zack. With the final round of "Hey!"s, Y&T take it over the top, while Jessica and Zack turn to us all slick in dark sunglasses. 

The moral of this video? Don't be yourself. Sure, they've got a lot of wacky Y&T stuff here, but come on — no robot?! This video has everything but the robot!! 

And weirdly, I feel like for me at least, this is the moral of this song — don't be yourself. Y&T stray from their straight-ahead rock roots and Def Lep it up, and I love it! 

This is, of course though, a really treacherous message. In both cases, you're giving up the affections of those who truly loved you for those of a hot, shallow girl who was previously only interested in making fun of you. It works in the short term, but as Y&T quickly found out, not in the long term. 

Honestly you guys, this video is like a vaguely supernatural version of Can't Buy Me Love wherein no one learns a valuable lesson about learning to be yourself, or even just about not whoring yourself out just to replace your mom's dress you accidentally spilled wine on. 

Warrant, "Sometimes She Cries"

Somebody Forgot to Close the Barn Door  

THE VIDEO Warrant, "Sometimes She Cries," Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinking Rich, 1989, Columbia

SAMPLE LYRIC "(Sometimes she cries!) / when she's alone at ni-ight / (sometimes she weeps!) / oh, when she's feeling cold and we-ee-eeak" 

THE VERDICT I don't want to like this song. Really, I don't. I know in my heart that this one is really cheesy. Damn you, Warrant! Why can't I quit you? Seriously, their ability to make me utterly love songs I feel I should by all rights absolutely loathe tells me that Warrant are, quite possibly, musical geniuses. (Then again, "Cherry Pie" pretty much tells me this all on its own, so.) 

I feel like "Sometimes She Cries" is the forgotten Warrant power ballad. I mean "Heaven" is the one everyone knows, even if they aren't into metal. And "I Saw Red" is, while much less frequently heard, still a lot more well-known. What is it that people don't like about "Sometimes She Cries"? It's not quite as good as either of the other two songs, but it's still decent. So what's the problem here? 

I think it might be the content. This is a pretty unusual song for heavy metal, even for power ballads — it's a narrative song about a woman, but not about like, her sexy homicide record, or her secret sexy side, or really anything sexy. Nope, it's about a woman who's been unlucky in love, and encouraging her to stay strong. 

Fascinating (okay, to me) fact about this song: There seems to be very little agreement on what the lyrics exactly are. I have always heard the verses as starting with "and she." As in, "and she don't think, she's pretty no more." But I've found versions that claim it's a woman's name — Lisa seems to be the most popular option, followed by Mercy, then Marcy, then Melissa. Which is weird, 'cause Lisa? I don't hear that long e sound at all in there. 

Well, whatever her name is, the song — and this video — is mostly about her. Like the song, I feel like this video is really unconventional territory for a metal power ballad. I mean for one, it's winter. There's not snow, but people are dressed throughout the video (okay, with a notable exception, as we'll see) like it's cold out, and there are no leaves on the trees. Now the thing about winter is, it means no filmy, sheer garments, no bikinis, in general, very little bare skin. Thus, weird for a metal video.

 

The other thing that's extremely unusual about this video is it shows a family. Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa has a kid. This is not a part of the hot metal chick experience that generally gets portrayed in videos. Metal videos tend to focus more on, you know, where babies come from than they do on actual babies. I feel like this is probably another reason why this song is less popular. 

I mean, as I've discussed at length, there's a reason why power ballad videos always seem to demonstrate a compulsion to show that despite the fact that the band is singing a slow song now, in general they are still rocking. "Sometimes She Cries" I think tilts too far past that balance. It is hard to still see Warrant as really rocking in this one, unlike in say "Heaven," which has the obligatory slow-mo concert action footage. 

Anyway, the video. Well we first see Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa walking around on her property. Okay spoiler alert, one major reason I love this video (and always have) is because it clearly takes place in my homeland of Connecticut. 

Why do I say this? Many reasons, as we'll see. But indicator one for me is that Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa lives in an old saltbox colonial house that appears to have a huge amount of acreage, yet be set right next to the road. It also has a large barn set fairly close to the house. Hell-ooo, Connecticut. 

I should also mention that right off the bat we can see that Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa is an unconventional metal video heroine. For one, she has short hair. Now admittedly, it looks like she could have had a long-straight-hair-and-bangs haircut and just chopped it to be chin-length, but still. 

Normally the only short hair you see in metal videos is teased, sprayed, and accompanied by dramatic makeup. This woman is rocking zero hair product and very natural makeup, if any. She's also bundled up in a big jacket and a scarf. 

Most of the video alternates between shots of the Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa narrative and of the band playing the song in her barn. Yes, I know. Her narrative is in black and white, and the band are in color. 

At first we mostly see Jani Lane, sitting alone on a barrel. For some reason, possibly to try to prove they are still rockin', he is wearing a Rob Halford-esque leatherman outfit. Little leather hat with chains, sleeveless leather vest with no shirt under it, cowboy boots, the whole deal. It's already weird, but the thing that makes it weirder is that he's wearing just a vest even though it's so cold in there you can see their breath in some shots.

 

The rest of Warrant are arrayed about the barn. When we see Jani with them, he's standing and sort of dancing around, sans barrel. We mostly see Joey Allen and Erik Turner silhouetted in front of the barn door, and Jerry Dixon is barely in this video. He gets like a few hair tosses in and that's it. 

Drummer Steven Sweet is the most prominently displayed member of Warrant after Jani, but that's because he's in the background for a lot of the close-ups of Jani singing. Still, we can see him pretty well, and enjoy the fact that he makes these like kissy faces the whole time he drums. 

But the Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa plot takes up most of the video. We sort of see it out of order, with the more plot-advancing bits interspersed between a lot of shots of her moodily staring out at the frozen winter landscape. 

After her walking through the field, we see her sitting inside, staring pensively out the window while holding a toddler. Then we get a flashback to an earlier time — you can tell because the kid is now like an infant — and her husband packing up and leaving her. Why? We don't know. How she can afford to heat this gigantic old home in winter even though she doesn't seem to work, just walks around and stares at stuff? Even more of a mystery. 

Anyway, Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa stares out the window and watches him leave. Then we see her looking out the windows of the kitchen or dining room, peeking through venetian blinds to see if he's coming back. The table's set with lit candles and two place settings, but sorry sweetie, I think you're eating alone. Well, maybe one of the glasses of wine is for the baby. Okay, probably not. 

For the first chorus shots of Warrant rocking out are interspersed with close-ups of Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa making concerned faces and walking around with her baby. We then see her walking around her field by herself, making me wonder who's watching the baby. Did she leave the baby with Warrant? 

The next big plot bit we get shows Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa in bed with another man, who looks way rougher than her ultra-preppy husband. He's sneaking out in the middle of the night while she's asleep. She realizes he's gone and like rolls over and looks all moody. Seriously honey, are you that surprised? I mean you have a kid. Mr. One-Night-Stand is not about to step up to that plate. 

An amazing part of the video comes next as we finally see Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa in color. She walks to the window, and sees Warrant playing the song out in her barn. Like as she spots Jani, she turns from black and white to color. Even more amazing is the fact that even though it's nighttime, and she appears to live alone in like, a pretty remote rural area, she does not appear at all perturbed that her barn is infested with Warrant.

 

As the song sort of escalates, we see her husband looking vaguely perturbed and writing a letter, and then we see Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa reading the letter in a giant winter coat. It pleases her greatly, and we see a bunch of shots of her playing with her kid. Let's mention now that even though she does not appear to have aged a day, her kid now looks to be in nursery school. 

They play on a tire swing and roll around on the hard, frozen ground together. I should mention that this is what happens during the guitar solo. See what I meant above now? Nothing says "we rock" like a mom and her kid playing together. 

Next comes one of my favorite moments in this video, because for me it incontrovertibly proves my they-are-in-Connecticut hypothesis. Her husband calls her. Okay not only is he wearing an offensively preppy sweater — he is calling from a SNET payphone! SNET = Southern New England Telephone. This is the phone service we had when I was growing up. 

I remember watching this video at the time and being stoked about recognizing SNET in it. I know, so random, but whatever, it's usually pretty much impossible to figure out where videos were filmed, so I take what I can get and enjoy it. 

After a few pensive moments spent standing beside her now apparently Warrant-less barn, we see Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa hanging out clothes to dry on the line. This despite the fact that it is obviously hella cold out, and that her washing will freeze. (This is a moment in this video that even watching it back in the day always made no sense to me.) 

Adding to the confusion — her husband drives up, looking like he just arrived from a Ralph Lauren ad, and she is totally psyched to see him. I'm sorry Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa, did you forget how he abandoned you with an infant, and then it took him like four years to even write you a letter? 

The video ends with them hugging in the driveway, but maybe we can imagine like, a sequel where she bitches him out for that. 'Cause seriously, it's great the family's reunited and all, but there are clearly still some issues here. 

Ooh wait, how could I forget! The last last thing we see after their reunion is Warrant all walking away through her field together. I love this. Like they roosted in her barn playing this song until Lisa/Mercy/Marcy/Melissa and her husband got back together, and now their work is done so they can leave. It's so cheesy that it works.

P.S. from the future (it's 2020 now): After I posted this, I got an email from someone who was on the set of this video. It was shot in western Connecticut! This person said I think their dad knew or worked with the people whose house it was, and they were like "Hey, you're a teenager! A band is shooting a video here, that's pretty cool, right?" This person was not a Warrant fan, but was like okay I'll go, and years later found this post while trying to find info on the video. The other memory this correspondent shared with me was that the band was very low energy, and only talked to them to be like, "Hey, you're a teenager! You probably know where to get drugs around here, right?" Yeah, no drugs were obtained. 

Y&T, "Don't Stop Runnin'"

My New Year's Resolution

THE VIDEO Y&T, "Don't Stop Runnin'", In Rock We Trust, 1984, A&M

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "(Keep on running) / Don't stop running! / (Keep on running) / 'Cause you can't catch me / You better keep on running / (Don't stop running!) / Oh yeah-ahhh!"

THE VERDICT Can you believe, and I mean truly, can you believe Motley Crue's first live show was opening for this band? Crazy but it's true folks, crazy but it's true. Reasonably decent songs aside, Y&T (which stands for Yesterday and Today) are cheesy as all get out. And as if their songs were not cheesy enough, they up the ante with their videos -- and by up the ante, I actually mean they go all in. With schlock like this, Y&T don't appear to be holding anything back (though allmusic always claims they're in on the joke).

Nonetheless, I thought it would be a good idea to end the decade and kick off the new one with some inspirational fare. While I toyed with many songs that encourage us to keep rocking and indeed, not stop rocking, in the end I picked "Don't Stop Runnin'" because it allows a bit of a wider interpretation. Also because this kind of work hard, achieve your dreams thing is more or less the new year's/new decade's resolution I set for myself. I'm in the midst of several personal and professional projects at the moment, and sometimes it's hard to see an end in sight. Thus, my resolution to "keep on runnin'."

Come to think though, I probably should have resolved to "Hang Tough," and thus blogged about Tesla -- a band and a song I much prefer to Y&T. But come on, Tesla never made a video with an apparently 30-something high school nerd turning into a robot, so we're sticking with Y&T.

Our video begins with said nerd (Paul) asking an equally not-young-looking popular girl (Susie) out on a date to a concert that evening (which we can only assume is Y&T). She harshly turns him down, letting him know she "wouldn't go to a funeral" with him and that she's going out with Big Man On Campus Charlie tonight.



That aside, we know she's popular because, come on, look at the size of the bow on her head! If we're to have learned anything from the movie Heathers, it's that high school social status is inextricably linked to the size of the bow affixed to one's noggin. The interchange is so awkward that the nerd appears to slam himself into a locker. Next thing you know, the BMOC has rolled up, causing the nerd to punch himself. Let's face it, he's kind of a hard protagonist to sympathize with.

The nerd heads home to his Y&T poster-bedecked room, where he can soothe himself with some tunes on his giant cassette Walkman. Throwing himself onto his bed (which, along with his bedroom, overall looks suspiciously like the room from "Cum On Feel the Noize" with some added decor), he's maligning his geek status when suddenly --

His Walkman explodes, and his face turns into the guy from the old Memorex ads! Next thing you know, a big metal breastplate pops through his shirt, he's got metal teeth, and big, useless metal hands -- yes, he is turning into the Y&T robot. This transformation appears to make him as baffled and sweaty as his exchange with the girl, and before you know it, yup, he's a robot. They can't likely afford the special effects to actually show the transformation, so we just get rapid cuts back and forth between the robot's face, and the nerd with metal teeth. Oh wait, not braces, more like grills.

The robot doing some aerobicizing gives way to Y&T performing live-ish in front of a fairly robust crowd. In fact, close-up shots of the robot are used to transition from scene to scene throughout the video, which is kind of weird. Apparently, the robot is flying around the Y&T concert as well as hovering over Southern California.



We next see the BMOC pull up in a white convertible to pick up the girl. He looks smug, and she looks thrilled, having put an even larger bow in her hair. She's also now wearing a flouncy, puffy-shouldered white dress and white gloves. As his car pulls away, we see that the BMOC's vanity plate reads "STUD BOY." Eww.

Oh snap, now the robot is onstage with Y&T. Just when I was about to say that based on their level of sweatiness and the lack of decent camera angles this probably was a live performance. The robot sort of hop-skips toward the camera before hopping over it. My guess is the costume is made out of foam rubber -- it looks soft and squishy.

Now the robot is flying (aka superimposed) over the Y&T audience. We then see the girl and BMOC driving (aka also superimposed) at night. She's attempting to look less than thirty by blowing bubbles with her gum, while he's more or less continuing to look smug. Ooh, now the robot is flying (you know what I'm going to say by this point) over the city. All of this is interspersed with shots of various members of Y&T sweating and yelling.



The girl and BMOC suddenly find themselves at a stop sign, that is somehow also possibly in an alley, quite shocked and confronted with three uh... I guess they're supposed to be punks, but this is in the sense that Nic Cage in Valley Girl is supposed to be a punk. The girl makes ridiculous overacting faces, and the BMOC shrinks down in his seat as the "punks" size them up. Also, let me mention one of the "punks" is a chick wearing black lipstick and an eyepatch with a large "tattoo" that says "Search and Destroy" in the center of her back. Oooh, rough neighborhood.

The tallest punk reaches in and grabs the car keys, while the lady punk smiles at the wide-eyed girl. The BMOC gets out of the car only to be roughed up by the two guys. They then get the girl out of the car and start pushing her around -- aww, the tall guy even grabs her bow! She's powerless without it! The BMOC watches in horror and then runs away.

There's a weird moment where the girl gets thrown to the ground, and then she and the punk girl sort of look at each other knowingly. I kind of feel like that moment is the only time we sense any sort of real chemistry in this video. Then it's back to the robot flying around, apparently content to enjoy the power of flying (can you blame him?) and let the girl get hassled by the punks. No worries, as she then punches the guy punk with the weird eye makeup (it appears to spell out "BITE" -- seriously, where did they learn about punks for this video?). This then inexplicably leads to him taking out his aggression on the "STUD BOY" vanity plates.

The vandalism of private property finally somehow gains the robot's attention. Let me mention also that when the robot is "flying", all its parts don't fit together -- there appear to be big gaps in its body such that its head and arms are just floating above its torso. Heaven knows what green screen problems caused this to happen. He spots the alley and somehow magically sees a close-up of the girl being harassed in a little starburst/price sticker shape.



The punks' jaws drop as the robot comes bouncing out of some dry ice fog. The robot fights the punks, grabbing the tall one's fist in his lobster-claw-looking hands, then doing an Undertaker-esque choke slam on the one with the eye makeup and lifting him staight out of his boots (during this shot, we also get to see that the robot appears to be wearing um, men's dress shoes).

This all proves too much for the girl, who faints, leading to some shots of Y&T and their fans all looking especially excited. The robot grabs the girl up in his claw hands and carries her out of the alley. (Ooh, you know it's a bad part of town when someone has spraypainted "Rock" on the side of a building.)

Now for the best part of the video: She wakes up, sees the robot, and gets way more scared than when she was just being abandoned by her date and beaten up by the punks. I mean, it's a giant effing robot with metal teeth and claw hands, and she probably doesn't know what the "Y&T" on its chest means! She punches the robot in the chest until he puts her down, and then she runs away to -- around the corner. Yes, she runs like ten feet and then stops, as if the robot isn't about to turn the same corner too. And now the best part of the best part: THE ROBOT CRIES A SINGLE TEAR. We get a pretty ambiguous reaction shot of the girl, still leaning against the wall, but that robot tear is just the piece de resistance of the Y&T video oeuvre, if you'll allow my overuse of French pour une minute.

Next thing we know, we see the Walkman lying on the bed, totally unexploded, and the nerd sitting up in bed, exclaiming "whoa!" and touching his head and body. "Aw shucks, fell asleep listenin' to Y&T again!" But then, he realizes something -- the left lens on his glasses is broken! Sacre bleu, how could this be? It couldn't just be that he, I don't know, was taking a damn nap with glasses on. But then he pulls down part of his sheets, and finds what appears to be either the robot's shiny Y&T breastplate, or a really, really large Y&T guitar pick.



He smirks at it knowingly, but what the hell that proves, I have no idea. "Yeah, I did save the girl, but she hated that scary robot and had no idea it was me." How is that good news?! Come Monday morning, she's going to be back to hanging off STUD BOY, and he's going to be slamming himself into his locker.

But I guess, as the song implies, he will "keep on runnin'" in spite of the fact that the girl is now terrified of him instead of just ignoring/dissing him. That's what it's all about, right? Persistence in the face of setbacks.

And besides, he has reason to believe she'll come around. I mean, if there's one thing we've learned from 80s movies, it's that hot women love nerds. And if there's one thing we've learned from the 80s movie Heavy Metal, it's that if there's one thing hot women love more than nerds, it's robots.

Trust me -- this video is so bad, it makes me forget that "Don't Stop Runnin'" is actually a pretty decent song. Confusingly though, it's being told to a person who "wants another chance" with the song's ostensible narrator, which is weird. The lyrics fit most with the video if you construe them as being from the point of view of the girl, Susie, even though she does not seem to in any way want the nerd to "keep on runnin'" to try to "get next to" her, let alone "feel the ecstasy." So maybe between this and the robot tear, this video wasn't quite as inspirational as I thought. But it was fun, wasn't it?

Winger, "Miles Away"

Stewart Wore That Shirt for a Reason

THE VIDEO Winger, "Miles Away," In the Heart of the Young, 1990, Atlantic

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Miles away! / no you're never turning back / and I just can't waaaayyy-aaait anyyyymore [whoa-oh!] / Miles away! / nothin' left of what we had / just whennn I neeeeeded you most / you were miles awaaaaaaaa-aaaay"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION Kip Winger stares mournfully. A woman eats alone. A dude uh... washes his hair. All in glorious black and white. Yes, I hope you're ready for a whole fistful of Winger.

As a leather-jacketed, hairy-chested, precisely-stubbled Kip begins to sing (with shimmering water in the background), we are introduced to the video's plot. As Kip's visage flickers in and out, a foxy brunette pouts pensively alone at a table. She refolds a letter as the showering dude closes his eyes and makes an agonized face. After we see Kip looking more like that dude from Beauty and the Beast (the 80s show with Linda Hamilton, not the Disney movie) and we have a glance at Paul Taylor (sorry, the most relevant link for this poor fool was so nonsensical I simply had to include it), she puts the letter aside and gets up from the table.

As the dude continues massaging his scalp in the shower, she tosses on a leather jacket over her lacy camisole. Kip and Rod Morgenstein pose for the camera, then our protagonist finally gets out of the shower to find her letter. He takes it pretty hard. For the record, he's a 20-something-ish Latin looking dude with short hair and a goatee (for whatever reason, once the clock turns on the year 1990, all heavy metal video protagonists suddenly have short hair, fyi).

Everyone in Winger belts out the chorus, and we even finally catch a glimpse of the loathsome Reb Beach. They're all standing in front of the water while lights flash across their faces. Kip gnashes his teeth while the main dude dries his tears with her letter. Winger keep on rocking, and he still can't stop his sniveling, finally tearing up the tablecloth and upending everything upon it. The camera lovingly displays his musculature throughout. I mean jeez, are those Bugle Boy jeans he's wearing? Although actually these shots are much more in line with the Guess? Jeans school of photography.

He runs out of the house and into the front yard of their cute little bungalow-style house, and, clinging to the swinging chainlink door in the fence, he looks frantically up and down the street to see if she's still around (apparently she's on foot, since he doesn't seem to think she's made it very far).



Oh, snap! She's got another man! We next see the woman hanging onto another dude while riding behind him on a motorcycle. Not that the other guy seems so great, but this guy looks like a total scuzzball. Think Rob Lowe in Wayne's World, only this guy is no tastydelicious Rob Lowe (he's not even Chad Lowe). The members of Winger let this moment sink in by turning slowly to look mournfully at the camera. A shot of the dude hanging his head, sitting out in the yard fades into a shot of the girl and her new guy on the road. She's all rubbing his back and stuff. Trashy. The latin dude should forget about her. But no, instead he takes his rusted ass beater car out to try and find her. It looks like they're driving on the exact same road, but he doesn't find her. He's lucky he doesn't, since now she's fondling her new guy's biceps and kissing his ear.

He's either really sobbing or inexplicably dripping with sweat as the girl suddenly appears in the backseat of the car. She leans forward and rubs his shoulders, but then -- doh! She disappears. She was just a figment of his desperate imagination. He looks a little like he's going to puke, then rubs his eyes. Finally home again, he tries to reach her via the phone. He reaches either her or his mother (telling him that she always thought that girl was no good), either way, a lot of yelling and pounding the table with his fist follows. He then spends about five minutes delicately hanging up the phone, as if one false move would cause it to explode. Then he (I think, it's a little hard to tell) busts out a rosary.

We next see him looking like utter crap atop his rumpled sheets. She, meanwhile, has already hopped into bed with Mr. New. Shots of the main dude writhing in agony and screaming are interspersed with shots of her and the other guy getting it on (they basically look like out takes from a Chris Isaak video). They roll all over the place. The solo I guess provides a rather obvious subtext for all of this.

As this winds up, we see the main dude laying in his rumpled bed. The light has changed enough that we know he's like, passed out crying and woken up at a later time. He looks around all bleary-eyed and briefly catches sight of his tv, which he left on. A nurse walks across the screen. He grabs at his sheets, then finally gets up and walks down the hallway. We then see the girl rubbing ...um, a guy's back. It's hard to tell if we're seeing her now with her new guy, or if the main guy is remembering the good times they had writhing around on the bed together. He keeps staring into space in a squinty, focused way implying that this may be a fantasy sequence. But I can't see the guy she's with clearly enough to get a positive ID. Ok, I'm thinking fantasy sequence, because next we see the main guy sitting on the floor in the doorway with the same bed the girl was just on in the background. (Note: Going back through the vid frame-by-frame, it definitely is her with the new guy, not a fantasy sequence. So much for my powers of deduction).



Winger kick it up one last time, and there's much singing along. Now the guy is sitting at the bottom of their stairs beside a large stained glass window which doesn't seem like it'd be part of the same house they showed before. The camera pans past a guy and a girl nuzzling on a motorcycle (it may or may not be her, we don't see it for long), then we see the main guy looking around as he uses a pay phone. Oh, I think it is her, because she and the guy are really going at it now, and he has that same lame haircut every man had circa 1990 (long to the ears, then a fade). Meanwhile, the dude is holding the phone up to his neck and sighing.

The couple making out on the bike pull apart, and next we see the girl through a peephole in a door. She's looking around nervously. The next shot's from inside, and we see the main dude is doing the peeping. He's also wearing a vest with no shirt, but I'm not going to go there. Then we see the girl again. She turns away, then pauses, then finally turns back and approaches the door again. He caresses the doorknob, then sits down beside the door, crouching out of sight. We can see her walking outside through the large window beside the door, and through the venetian blinds she's visible trying to peep in through the window. She gives up and walks away as Kip stares meaningfully into the distance.

THE VERDICT Not sure about this one. From the looks of it, just when he needed her most, she was like, two inches away. Maybe he figured out that she'd spent their time apart riding around on motorcycles and getting it on with other guys? It's pretty clear that he sees her out there, but he's like, I've done my crying and I'm not letting you come back. He's sort of the tough chick of the video.

Probably this makes sense, since this is a Winger video. No matter how much you hear the whole Kip Winger played with Alice Cooper (who after all is a Republican, lest we forget), Kip Winger is a classically trained musician (and also a classically trained man-ballerina), don't let his entire career be boiled down to just one word on Stewart's t-shirt, etc., you have to face the facts that at the end of the day, their music is just plain wussy. The guys in this band make the boys in Stryper look fierce. Seriously.

In spite of Kip's mighty choppers, songs like that classic ode to statutory rape "Seventeen" are utterly toothless. Maybe it's because he sings with one of those little drive-thru operator/Britney Spears mics in "Easy Come, Easy Go." Maybe it is all about the Stewart/Beavis and Butthead dichotomy. I don't know. I just know that at the end of the day, I can't really get myself to care for Winger.

That said, I don't mind this song. Not to start a recurring theme here, but I feel like if this were a Cinderella song I would absolutely love it.