Helix, "Heavy Metal Love"

Helix Comes to Frogtown  

THE VIDEO Helix, "Heavy Metal Love," No Rest for the Wicked, 1983, EMI 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Heavy metal luh-uve / she's my heavy metal luh-uve" [Just say whatever you want, then say this next] 

THE VERDICT If you get the title of this post right away, you rule. If you don't, allow me to explain the connection. 

The brawny blond in this video is none other than Sandahl Bergman, the female lead in the 1988 "Rowdy" Roddy Piper vehicle Hell Comes to Frogtown. If you haven't seen this movie, you must. True, it was Piper who led me to watch it, but Bergman's intriguing looks — sort of like a poor man's Angela from Who's the Boss? — and astonishing dance moves really steal the show. 

Also stealing the show: Frog makeup, trying to figure out where in California the movie was shot, the very homemade costumes, and the fact that Roddy Piper's mission is to impregnate a bunch of women in brightly-colored negligees in order to help the human species repopulate (now that's a Hot Rod!). Do we get a lot of close-ups of his crotch encased in a weird metal unit? Why yes, we do. Many times, in fact. 

Seriously, if you like bad sci-fi, or even if you just like heavy metal videos that look like bad sci-fi, this is a movie for you. There's not any metal, but there's lots of homemade props, post-apocalyptic landscapes, and yes, brief nudity. 

Anywayyy, attempting to research the folks in Hell Comes to Frogtown led me to Bergman, which led me to this particular Helix video. I can't figure out what's going on in this one, but honestly, try to figure out what's going on in any of them. 

"Heavy Metal Love" definitely isn't helped by the unbelievably poor lighting. Many metal videos are badly lit, but this one is badly lit even by metal video standards. This video predates the era of spotlight overload, but most of the light here appears to be coming from a lit-up Helix logo. There's so much fog going on it almost feels like the camera that shot this has glaucoma. 

Helix appear to be playing in a vacant lot with like, apartment buildings being built on either side of it (this is my best guess). Something about it being low-budget, or maybe Canadian, or vaguely sci-fi is really giving me a serious Mystery Science Theater 3000 vibe (I know, something I often get). I'm thinking here of one in particular that's not coming to me, but something like Warrior of the Lost World or City Limits.

 

Most of this video is Helix just playing the song, not even really moving around, shot from just one camera (if that's not a signal of a low budget, I don't know what is). 

But we also see a very muscular and oily Ms. Bergman standing in a poorly lit area, flexing and like, bending things. Let's just say it's no dance of the three snakes, but it'll have to do. Actually, it's kind of like the "Manhunt" dance from Flashdance in costume, attitude, and execution. She's got all these chains and tools and stuff in there with her, but thanks to all the fog and the dim lighting I can't really tell what she's doing with it. 

Oh my gosh. Okay. Apparently, she is building a dude in there. I'm not kidding. It looks like a golem (as opposed to Gollum — I've neither read nor seen any Lord of the Rings, but I still feel like this is an important clarification to make). I mean it's like a giant gray dude who looks like he's made of metal or clay or something, breathing out steam like a freakin' dragon. 

So let me get this straight: This ripped, oily, mulleted woman, who is bending metal rods in a chain-filled foggy room is so uninterested in Helix that she decides to just DIY it? Weird. 

I mean the song is all "she's my heavy metal love," implying Bergman is said love, but it looks like she's built herself her own love. Out of heavy metals. Literally. 

The end of this video features much jumping around by lead singer Brian Vollmer, who to this point had been constrained by just having to stand around and make crazy faces at the camera. He's no Diamond Dave, but what can you do. 

The video then ends, having totally not resolved what's going on with Bergman and the metal guy, with the weird goggled dude from the beginning and that lit-up Helix sign again. He reminds me of Randee of the Redwoods, who coincidentally back in the day I thought was David Lee Roth (what can I say, I was a little kid!). 

P.S.: I know, this post is so short, and I actually have a backlog of requests right now, but I am uncharacteristically working last-minute rather than weeks in advance, and decided it was smarter to do what I can than to (gasp!) miss a week. I promise to be back on top of blogging soon!

P.P.S. from 2020: This video isn't on YouTube, so this awkwardly framed Vimeo is gonna have to cut it.

Scorpions, "The Rhythm of Love"

Babes! In! Spaaaaaace!


THE VIDEO Scorpions, “The Rhythm of Love,” Savage Amusement, 1988, Polydor

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC “Ze rhythm of love! / [keeps me dancing on the road] / ze rhythm of love! / [got the groove that hits the bone] / ze rhythm of love / [is the game I’m looking for] / ze rhythm of love / [is the heartbeat of my soooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuullll]”

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION The camera pans through a depopulated, futuristic urban landscape of oddly shaped buildings (think the Space Needle meets Blade Runner), some of which periodically shoot flames. They’re all done in dark, drab colors but lit by a reddish orange sunset (or smog-filled sky, hard to tell). A crappy looking plane (I guess it’s supposed to be a space shuttle, but from this angle it looks like a fighter plane) comes in from the bottom left and flies between the buildings toward a big mountain (or pyramid maybe) type thing in the background.

A futuristic-looking brunette (her clothes are like Paco Rabanne in the 80s) steps out to look at it, and it zooms on toward this mountain-type thing, which is basically like a mountain but covered in uhhh… covered in the stuff the Terminator is made out of. Not the liquidy silver stuff, but the like, wires and cables and robot stuff. It’s topped off by a super-skinny castle, sort of like an anorexic version of the Emerald City (and also uh, gray and not green). The plane heads straight for that as the sky turns blue-gray and lightning flashes. As the plane gets closer, random plumes of flame shoot up on different parts of the mountain.



Another future babe in a black catsuit thing walks along, lost in thought but still managing to touch herself provocatively. She walks past a window through which the orange sky is visible as she unzips her catsuit. The plane settles down to land on a little landing pad by a rectangular opening in the mountain, but we only see that for two seconds cause as Klaus Meine starts to sing, we see a random shot of a babe mussing her hair with parted lips.

The Scorpions are silhouetted and backlit as they enter the weird opening, then that lady starts sort of dancing a little bit, Tawny Kitaen-style. The Scorps are performing as per usual, but the actual stage appears to be made up of futuristic looking wires, pipes, etc (think a really crappy, like an untalented 13-year-old’s imitation of an H.R. Giger drawing).

Oh wow, they just showed two shots of women in succession that made me laugh out loud. It’s a little hard to tell what was happening cause they were severely cropped and lasted two seconds each, but in the first a woman sort of exposed her cleavage while talking on the phone, and in the second a blonde brandished a gold whip while making what was almost a parody of a sexy face.

We then see a bunch of the Scorps in succession: Klaus, Rudy (with absurdly teased hair), blonde guy I can’t remember the name of. Then we see that the dancing woman is actually sort of bobbing back and forth in front of a mirror while she continues to unzip her catsuit, followed by Matthias who is so into the music (already!) that he has his eyes closed. Then a backlit shot of a woman taking off a bra. Wow.



Oh wow. Again. Wow. As the music picks up a little, suddenly the floor in front of the Scorpions’ stage is covered in crawling, bikini-clad women. There’s a bunch more of different shots of the band members (including Herman) then—amazing—a more pulled back shot of the blonde, she actually appears to be dressed as some kind of futuristic Little Bo Peep. The thing I’d ID’d as a whip appears to be that giant hook that you use on a sheep (god knows how, but I’ve seen them a lot in cartoons). Oh wow, they keep showing her interspersed with shots of Klaus, she’s like playing with her jewelry or something but like…was this her first video or something? The faces she makes are priceless. The brunette’s hair gets blown by a fan one more time, then it’s the chorus.

The various band members nod firmly as Klaus shrieks “ze rhythm of lav!” and we see the brunette dancing around silhouetted behind an orange screen. She’s taking off a men’s shirt, showing that even in the year 3000 or whatever strippers have not gotten that much more creative. The Scorpions' onstage antics (kicking, singing into the same mic) are causing the women on the floor (who I can now see are in torn-up, what I always think of as Les Mis-style outfits) to crawl more furiously. Wow.

Okay, the woman in gold is wearing an enormous cone bra (think what Gautier made for Madonna, but in like a DD) that is covered in gold rope. It looks like she’s wearing a couple of beehives, but I guess this is what we will think is sexy in the future. The woman behind the screen finally struggled her way out of that shirt, and we get a bunch of reaction shots of women making sexy eyes at the camera (which reminds me of Zoolander). Also, I’ve just figured out that the jewelry-type thing one of the women keeps fiddling with is a large pendant shaped like a scorpion.



Okay, verse again, so now one of the women is taking a shower. Matthias (eyes still closed) smiles to himself, and Rudy—between the teased hair and the inevitable porn star mustache—I can’t even bring myself to comment. He’s doing this entire song grinning and leaning forward while standing with legs akimbo. The woman behind the screen is interacting more with the stool she’s got back there now (sorry, forgot to mention—there’s also a pole she keeps grabbing).

In the other room, that one brunette is still in front of a fan, and still engaged in sexy struggle with the zipper on that catsuit. We see more of the Scorpions, then more of the heinous blonde lady, then Klaus mimes the “don’t you close your eyes” line Dio-style, by waving his hands with fingers apart in front of his face. He actually looks like a version of Dio with more delicate features, come to think. Ooh there was a really brief shot of a woman petting a white cat in there—subtlety, always the Scorpions’ strength.

Oh wow! Jeez, they went all out for this one. Okay, there are a bunch of poorly lit boob shots leading up to the chorus, but there is one amazing shot where two of the Les Mis dancers knock their butts together in front of the bass drum. It happens for two seconds, but it is worth the two seconds it takes to rewind and pause. Anyway. Now the brunette is getting into a red sportscar for some reason, and here’s the blonde again—she’s like sitting in some sort of throne, and the thing she’s holding is actually just a bunch of rope. Sigh. She also has an incredibly foolish looking crown thing on her head.



The brunette pulls her legs into the car and touches herself some more for the second chorus. We also see another woman who is silhouetted in blue light and dancing around and playing with her hair. Flash pots have started to go off behind the Scorpions’ stage. One of the Les Mis dancers shakes her ass, and the blonde lady continues to try to make the right face. All the Scorpions continue to punctuate the song with their chins, and also by jabbing their guitars. Now larger explosions are happening on either side of the stage. All of the band members sing along.

For the guitar solo, the camera pans past the torsos of women in very 80s-style bikinis. Matthias dances around like crazy and there are lots of explosions, and for some reason they also show a lot of shots of Herman (everyone else appears to have left the stage in some of the shots). Haha, the women in front of the stage are waving their fists in the air. Oh wow, there was just quite the butt shot. They are only showing these for like not even half a second each. Now the brunette is all the way in the car, but she is sticking her legs (she’s wearing stockings and black heels) out the driver’s side window and rubbing them.



As the vocals kick in again, explosions abound, and that main brunette makes faces at the camera. Whoa, more butts! And now the blonde is sort of rubbing herself with the rope. The brunette keeps covering parts of her face with her hair. Lots of sexy reaction shots (eyes go wide, touch mouth with hand) of the women are interspersed with lots of unsexy reaction shots of the Scorpions. Oh man, now they have all the Les Mis dancers shaking their butts in a row (and the camera is showing only their butts).

There’s also a brief shot of I think the brunette wearing a minidress and walking away from the camera carrying something, it’s unclear what but she is outside. She appears to be attaching whatever it is to the bottom of the Scorpions’ plane. They won’t stop showing the blonde woman. The Scorpions walk away, and we see them in silhouette again (they put Klaus in the middle so he looks especially short).

The Scorpions then sort of evaporate (disappear anyway), and we see their plane lift off. Oh, but that lady’s bomb drops off of their plane -- sorry, forgot to mention that on second viewing, realized she was attaching a bomb to the bottom of their spacecraft in the previous shot. So as the song winds down with the quiet singing part, the ladies’ mountain palace explodes. It’s weird because this whole video had been looking mostly like crappy computer animation, but in this scene it looks like they are blowing up a model. Actually in this scene the whole cityscape looks much less ornate, so maybe they are blowing up a model. The Scorpions definitely very computer-generated plane then flies away as the future babes’ mountain palace burns.

THE VERDICT So I actually wrote the description of this video literally more than a year ago -- in July 2006. That’s crazy. I thought doing what I do now I would have way more time to blog, but apparently being chained to a desk in an office is way better for that kind of productivity than basically having all the time on earth to do whatever the hell you want.

Never the less, this thing has been going on too long for me to give up now, so I’m back. I’m working on fixing up the way this thing looks -- I’m still not so hot with the CSS, but I’m working on it. Or I will be anyway. I still heart the metal, and no matter how many times I move away from it, I always find my way back -- let’s face it, I listen to a lot of different stuff, but this is the only music I consistently like. I never don’t feel like listening to it. Even filthy, filthy tracks like this one.

So, in spite of how exhaustive my description is, I left myself (a year ago) no notes as to the verdict! Well no, actually -- I left a couple. They are these: “Okay uhh, someone watched Heavy Metal a few too many times.” And “One of the most awesome Jonny Quest episodes is where Race kills a scorpion with a whip.” In trying to label this video -- as much as I hate on Blogger, I love the labeling feature -- I realized there is like, nothing that isn’t in this video.

I mean jeez, they’re in friggin’ space, and then all the sudden the brunette is feeling herself up in a car. A car! Not a like, hovercar or anything, just a car. Why is the sports car in space? There are explosions, spaceships, women in every sort of costume, fire, the friggin’ car… I mean really. The Scorpions gave it all they had on this one. Like every Scorpions song, if you only listen to the parts you can understand (basically, “ze rhythm of love!” screamed over and over again), you think it’s kind of romantic (or something), but if you actually look up the less intelligible lyrics, you realize that, like every Scorpions song, it’s hella dirty (“an exploding shot of pleasure / is what I’ve got for you”). Ewwww! I just don’t want to find that beat I’m apparently looking for with Klaus Meine, sorry but true.

P.S.: Like Pigs! In! Spaaaaace!

Van Halen, "Hot for Teacher"

School Daze

THE VIDEO Van Halen, "Hot for Teacher," 1984, 1984, Warner Brothers

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "I've got it baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad / got it baaaaaaaaaaad / got it baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad / I'm hot for teach-ah!"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION A mom with a bad 80s perm and big dorky sunglasses leans down toward the camera (she's shot from beneath, a rooftop and a palm tree are silhouetted in the background). She's sort of "hmm"ing to herself and laughing in this weird way as we hear screams and gunshots in the background. The viewpoint switches to over her shoulder, and we see her straightening the hair of a mega-dorky kid wearing a button down shirt, a knit vest, a bowtie, and the same giant glasses. Her fingers smoothing down his hair make an excruciatingly loud sound.

Mom: Sweet, sweet Waldo…

The camera switches back to the previous angle, and the mom points a finger and says…

Mom: Now Waldo, I hope you find some friends this year.

She begins polishing his glasses with the hem of her shirt, while he speaks (as a voiceover -- his lips don't actually move. He has the voice of an adult nerd, not a kid.)

Waldo: Aw mom, ya know I'm not like other guys. I'm nervous and my socks are too loose.

The mom keeps sort of oohing and aahing to herself the whole time he's speaking, and as he puts his arms out to either side in desperation a school bus pulls up and he backs into its open door. The kids on the bus are all going absolutely apeshit and having a wild paper fight, and the driver -- Mr. David Lee Roth -- turns to face the camera, grinning maniacally. He points at Waldo and gestures backward, saying, "Siddown, Waldo!"

Waldo gets on the bus looking hella nervous, and as the kids on the bus all turn to see him they stop what they're doing and stare. The drums that begin the song are just getting loud as the bus door closes. As the bus pulls away, we see Waldo pressed up against its back window, screaming plaintively.



The next shot is just amazing. I feel like it is a lost scene from some 80s teen movie (although these kids are a lot younger). The camera pans left to right across a row of kids sitting bored in a classroom. The first kid has spiky bleach blonde hair and is wearing tinted glasses with weird frames. Next up is an amazing looking girl with long dark hair wearing big sunglasses with what look like neon frames, then a pudgy boy with a Mohawk that's been shaped into a sort of fountain on top of his head which he's staring up at. The girl next to him, who's also kinda pudgy and has giant curly hair, is also looking at it.

We then get two boys wearing flannel shirts and bandannas tied around their foreheads, the one on the left (who's wearing sunglasses), gestures and whispers something to the other boy. They're followed by two amazing looking girls, both of whom look very bored and have on heavy makeup and giant, teased 80s hair. The one on the left just looks down, the one on the right (who's also wearing a studded leather cuff) is teasing her hair out even more. The last kid is, of course, a twitchy Waldo.

Next we get our first glimpses at the mini Van Halen boys. All are posed in a dark room with some smoky light filtering in. First we have Diamond Dave and Little Diamond Dave. Little Dave is sitting at a desk, and Dave is leaning against a ladder. We then see all the kids sitting in the classroom looking bored at their desks, from overhead. Then we meet Alex Van Halen and little Alex. Little Alex is standing with his arms crossed, and Alex is smoking and sitting in a backwards-turned chair. More bored kids.

Next is Michael Anthony and Little Michael. Little Michael is sitting on a stool, and Michael is standing behind one. They're the first pair that are dressed exactly the same, and both have their arms crossed. Little Michael pulls a toothpick out of his mouth and tosses it offscreen. More bored kids, but Little Van Halen are now clearly visible sitting in one of the middle rows of the classroom. Last, we have Eddie Van Halen and Little Eddie. Both are sitting on the edges of school desk and holding guitars.

As the intro to the song ends, we see Waldo wiping his brow, sitting at a desk in an empty classroom. He grips the edges of the desk and looks around, and we see him from a bunch of different angles. As DLR yells, "Ooh-ooh!" (the response to his question, "So what do you think the teacher's gonna look like this year?"), Little Van Halen jump out of their seats in enormous excitement.



Suddenly we switch from black and white to color as a short-haired blonde wearing a blue string bikini, a tiara, heels, and a pink sash that reads "Miss Chemistry" jumps from behind a glittery silver curtain of streamers which has been hung from the ceiling at the front of the classroom (you can see the chalkboard behind it), with footlights visible in the foreground. She begins to parade across the stage carrying a little scepter (to go with the tiara, one supposes), and Little Eddie and Little Michael, having run to the front of the room, show a level of excitement that makes me feel a little uncomfortable.

Michael is onstage sitting on a stool announcing over a microphone (though he's just dressed in street clothes, nothing special) while Miss Chemistry trots around, and Little Dave gleefully throws handfuls of confetti into the air. Michael nearly falls off his stool following her with his eyes, and Little Michael makes an aside to Little Alex, who removes his sunglasses and whistles (honestly, these kids were not bad actors). The curtain is mostly gone now, so she's walking back and forth in front of the chalk board, which has random numbers written on it.

For "don't wanna be no uptown fool," we're back in black and white, and Dave is right in close to the camera on the right. Little Dave and a girl are visible sitting around in the background on the left. The camera pans from the ground up the legs of the same teacher from before, now dressed in heels, stockings, a short tight skirt, a wide belt, and a white buttondown shirt with a little tie. She's sort of leaning over a desk at the front of the room.

It then turns around and we see between the desks of Waldo and one of the cool girls, where in the next row Little Eddie and Little Michael are leaning against each other bored. Eddie jumps up from behind them, pushing their heads apart and singing "teacher needs to see me after scho-ool."

The camera then follows the teacher's butt and legs as she walks between the desks, and from the left Dave sings "but then my homework…," and then on the right, Little Dave mirrors him, singing "… was never quite like thi-i-is." The teacher leans against her desk at the front of the room, and Eddie is visible standing beside the blackboard.

Suddenly in color (and beneath a disco ball), Michael, Alex, and Eddie (left to right) begin doing a dance in orange tuxes and sunglasses, and Dave swings in on the right wearing the same outfit and singing and doing a more elaborate version of the same dance. Now as for me, I love this part of the video (clearly, because I love David Lee Roth), but for others, I understand how you could watch this and be like, "so that's why they kicked him out."

When the chorus ends, we're back in black and white and we next see Waldo from above getting his tray in a filthy cafeteria, with the real Van Halen sitting on some kind of elevated thing (possibly a salad bar) in the background. Waldo turns every which way with his tray, unsure where to go, when suddenly the camera faces Little Van Halen.

Little Michael leans in and says, "Hey, I heard you missed us," and Little Eddie says, "we're back." We then jump back to the shot of Waldo sitting nervous at the desk, then Little Alex leans way in, and, demonstrating, says, "I've got my pen-cilll." We see Waldo, then Little Dave, who now has on a big white hat and really bizarre 80s sunglasses, chimes in with, "gimme something to write on!" We briefly see all the kids sitting down in the cafeteria, but before we can do much a much less teacherly-looking woman with lots of eyeliner and teased bleach blonde hair, wearing a patterned, loose minidress type of thing, steps forward.



And of course, as she tears it off, revealing half a blue bikini, a pink cropped tank top thing, and a blue sash that reads "Phys Ed," we're back in color, as all the kids jump up and a spotlight highlights the teacher. She dances around, swinging the dress over her head and tossing it into the crowd. We see her from above and underneath, then we see Dave very close to the camera on the left (wearing one of my favorite outfits of his, a bandanna and a bunch of bangle bracelets), and the stripper… uh, make that teacher, going nuts in the background with the very appreciative Little Van Halen crowded by her feet. We then randomly see Miss Chemistry again. Phys Ed is now on her knees, and Michael, now in the foreground, looks over his shoulder at the camera and sings "how did you know the golden ru-ule?"

Dave, in a brownish tuxedo, stands on the stage with the lights and silver curtain holding a pad and sings, "I think of all the education that I missed" then throws the pad off camera, grabbing Miss Chemistry for "but then my homework was never quite like thi-ii-iis." He dips her and smiles mischieviously at the camera. All the Van Halen boys then dance beneath the disco ball again for the chorus.

For the solo, we first see Little Eddie sitting at one end of a long library table holding a guitar (in black and white, p.s.). Eddie steps over him and walks down the length of the table while playing, stepping over books and papers and passing Little Michael and Little Alex about halfway and Little Dave toward the end, where he leans down and gives us mad guitar face. Ed then continues the solo on the silver curtain stage in a brown tux (in color, obviously), with the other three members of the band behind him. We finish the solo in B&W, as Ed then walks down the same library table again, this time with no one there till he reaches the end of the table and finds a very sweaty Waldo gripping the edges of the table and grimacing before two large, open books.

Next we see the members Van Halen and Little Van Halen sitting together in a cobweb-covered jail cell patrolled by a big-haired babe with a whip. Dave pops up in front holding an hourglass and says, "Aw man, I think the clock is slooow." The babe bares her teeth, and Little Dave pops up and says, "I don't feel tardy" before the babe pushes him back down again. We then see Waldo standing, super-sweaty, with a look of panic on his face, then Dave (with the jailer posing seductively behind him) yells, "class dis-missed!"

With much exuberance, we return to color as Little Van Halen burst out of the front doors of the school, followed by lots of other students. A banner over the door reads "graduation." They sort of high five each other as DLR pulls up in a …I have no idea what kind of car this would be, I'll be honest. Halfway between a like 1920s car and a hot rod (the engine is exposed). It's a yellow convertible with "Hot for Teacher" painted in red on the back and a little sign beside the license plate that says "VH." Dave puts out his hand to gesture them to get into the car, and he high-fives Little Dave, who sits behind him. They peel out and drive off.



The video concludes with brief shots of each adult band member that turn into stills with words over the screen. Each tells us what the members of Van Halen have wound up doing with themselves.

First Alex, dressed as a doctor and adjusting a stethoscope around his neck (but still smoking), turns toward the camera, and we learn "ALEX WENT ON TO BECOME DR. VAN HALEN Gynecologist, Los Angeles, CA."

Michael faces off against a sumo wrestler, and as he gets ready to throw his opponent down we learn, "MICHAEL ANTHONY IS CURRENTLY A CHAMPION SUMO WRESTLER IN TOKYO, JAPAN."

Next we see Eddie sitting in front of a tv in a straitjackets while an orderly leads another patient by behind him and another one sits on a bed. As the camera focuses in on him, we can read that. "EDWARD VAN HALEN IS TEMPORARILY 'RELAXING' IN BELLEVUE MENTAL WARD AND MAKING PROGRESS."

Waldo, still tiny and possibly even still a kid, stands beside a super fancy car which has his name written on the spare tire (it's one of those cars where there's a spare on the running board). He's wearing a big fur jacket and takes off a wide-brimmed white hat. Three ZZ Top video-looking women stand arrayed about him, and it says, giving us a black and white inset picture of Waldo, "NO ONE'S REALLY SURE WHAT BECAME OF WALDO AFTER GRADUATION."

Last, we see Dave spinning a giant glittery wheel beneath a flashing sign that reads "20 BILLION JACKPOT" while a lady in a glittering black dress looks on and an Ernest-looking guy behind a music stand jumps up and down excitedly. Dave freaks out and jumps around excitedly, and the last thing we learn is that "DAVID LEE ROTH WENT TO HOLLYWOOD AND BECAME AMERICA'S FAVORITE T.V. GAME SHOW HOST." Not that far from the truth, honestly. The boys, in their tuxes, take a sort of bow, to much applause.

THE VERDICT Now, I sing this song karaoke a lot, and no one seems to agree on the lyrics. Have we "got it bad" or have we "got it made"? The world may never know. And what is that random interjection toward the beginning? Is it just DLR whooping with glee? Or is it, as many crappy lyrics sites would have it, "my butt!" Much confusion. Nevertheless, "Hot for Teacher" remains a pre-eminent sing-along song, and nothing, not even it's notorious connection to Varsity Blues can take that away from it. It still rocks.

In spite of the fact that I basically hate kids, I've got to admit that I'm a sucker for videos where random little kids play adult musicians. I can't think of many more examples than this one (except for a vague recollection of their being a video where the Notorious B.I.G. and Sean Puffy, among others, are played by kids). Possibly it's not the kid component at all, it's just the idea of getting to dress up as the members of Van Halen and do as they do. Clearly, the stylist on this video was a frickin' genius. The logic these kids' parents used in allowing them to participate in this video, slightly more fuzzy.

None the less, we must thank them, because without their showbiz moms and dads-style instincts we wouldn't have this video. I remember seeing this on Pop-Up Video (try to imagine how much I miss that show. Just try.), and I feel like the pop-ups dealt with that issue somewhat. Anyway, point is, a lot happens in this video, but I don't feel tremendously qualified to comment. Although really it's just that writing that crazy intense description took a hella long time, and now I'm kinda "Hot for Teacher"-ed out.

Krokus, "Screaming in the Night"

The Stuff of Nightmares

THE VIDEO Krokus, "Screaming in the Night," Headhunter, 1983, Arista

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Screamin' in the night / fightin' for my life / I di-iiied for you / I knew it all along / headed for the sun / our loooo-ooove was true"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION The video opens with a head-on shot of some bizarrely dressed women doing a high-kicking dance with some kind of strange structure in the background. Because the film has some kind of weird effect going on in order to make the sky all black, it's hard to tell exactly what's happening. Anyway, they do slo-mo jumps and kicks while carrying giant staffs and wearing outfits made of various leather scraps tied to their bodies sort of randomly.

This shot fades into one of a number of plainly dressed people wearing metal masks or helmets who are all pulling a large wagon. We quickly see the band, then see a woman in a black leotard waving something around. Then we see the band again -- the guitarists are standing up on some sort of platform, while the lead singer is clad in nothing but a loincloth (and what the hell is that giant thing between his legs! Who are they kidding! If that thing were real, it would mean the guy from Black Oak Arkansas was hung like a toddler, if you see what I'm saying). He's sort of semi-crucified on a wooden thing.

The camera then pans past a strange open-air structure decorated by mannequin legs. It enables us to see that the Krokus dude is being pulled forward on the back of a wagon (probably the wagon we saw the front of before). Behind him are coming a punch of people in blue-gray coveralls and black hoods or masks carrying a wooden casket on their shoulders while more women do goofy modern dance moves alongside them. Other people walk behind them carrying staffs and such, most of whom are festively dressed in sort of a pseudo-Renaissance fashion.

Next we see more hapless masked men, these ones are using rope to drag along an old car that has had its windows painted over (what the hell was the point of this? I know I could say that for anything I've described so far, but this detail really begs the question). As the song finally starts, we get a close-up of the singer getting all growly as he sings whilst chained to that post thing. Next we jump back to the beginning of the procession, and the lady in the black leotard (who appears to be layering it over loose gray sweatpants tucked into knee-high black boots). She's carrying a helmet, too, and for no reason, the sky has turned red.

Now Mr. Krokus is not on the cross and he has been given his shirt back. He's walking along face-to-face with a Pat Benatar-ish girl in a silvery corset thing, both appear to have their hands tied behind their backs. The leotard lady leads the group up to that big cage from "Rock You Like a Hurricane," only now it's outside in a sort of post-apocalyptic courtyard. We can see pinkish-red clouds in the distance and people (guards?) standing on top of buildings. Along with a ton of masked men, she throws the whole band into the cage, and at the last minute pulls out the girl. The Krokus dude runs over to the fence, and the girl calls out as the lady drags her away toward some stairs.



A bunch more masked folk turn a giant contraption, and fake lightning flickers in the sky as the leotard lady drags the girl through a crowded marketplace full of futuristic weirdos. The lady shoves people aside while dragging the girl. They finally make it up to the same set they use in Krokus' "Eat the Rich" video, which is some statues beside several tiers of stairs leading up to a throne with a giant spire coming out of it. Tons of the masked guys are standing guard all over it, and there are people doing fruity partner dances too.

The lady pulls the girl to the top of all the stairs, where she gives her over to a heavy bald bearded dude who is sitting in the throne. He's dressed sort of like a futuristic biker dude, with an army helmet and vest on but also a big cape. He nods approval and then grabs the girl, who struggles with him. He cackles as they forcibly embrace.

A shot of a fake sunset fades to black to establish that it is now night. A hand reaches out to the face of the Krokus dude, who is sleeping on the floor of the cage. He startles, but then realizes it's the girl. He of course gets up right away to make out with her, but then the evil bald dude runs in and grabs her away. We see the Krokus dude's insanely lame reaction shot as the bald guy pulls out a knife and stabs her. He laughs all crazily as her body slumps to the ground with a line of blood above her right breast.

The scene fades out, and we again see the masked coverall guys carrying a wooden coffin with some dancers cavorting about behind them. They are followed by more of the same guys carrying the Krokus dude (shirtless yet again) chained to a platform thing. The sky is artificial black again, and they carry the whole kit and caboodle into a smallish striped pyramid thing with some statuary outside of it. They load it all in, and the bald dude waves his arm around, and they seal off the entrance.

Fake lightning strikes the point of the pyramid, and the assembled crowd scatters. Lightning then strikes the door of bricks that they just propped up, and it falls over. Lastly, lightning strikes inside the pyramid, causing the chains binding the Krokus dude to disappear, and he sits up and rubs his wrists. There is a small explosion behind him, causing a burst of light from a box. He goes over to the box and finds sneakers, jeans, and a lame, pirate-esque shirt, which he puts on. A trap door opens in the floor, and he looks over and then heads over to it. As he runs he peeks out the main door again, and sees the masked guards approaching, so he hauls ass through that trap door.

Coming out the other side, he finds himself climbing down a ladder into a diner. He looks around the whole room -- yes, typical urban diner -- and is rubbing a hand through his curly locks when he realizes the waitress is the leotard lady. And then, the cook is the bearded dude! And then, there on the TV hanging above the counter, there's him and his band playing on the futuristic set!



He makes a disgusted face, and as that ends the TV changes over to a blue screen that says "Rock + Roll" on it in white and the VJ is none other than the love interest from the future. In his shock, openmouthed, he climbs up onto the counter and walks across it, stepping into everyone's food and knocking over cups and plates along the way. The last four people at the counter (who are especially disheveled and not really eating) are the other band members, and they all look up at him, as does the chef dude from his little window.

The Krokus dude grabs the sides of the TV and sings the final chorus to it, giving it all he's got. The leotard lady/sassy waitress nods her approval. Two of the band members look up at him, one holding a coffee cup and the other gesturing while holding half a sandwich in his mouth. The girl on TV just goes on talking, oblivious to his remonstrations, and he makes many, many wussy faces. The last shot we see is of one of his bandmates looking up at him while pouring the entire sugar container out onto his plate.

THE VERDICT It's been a while since I've done a video that's pretty ridiculous and requires truly excessive description, but whatever, I'm worth it. But is Krokus? Though not pretty boys by any stretch of the imagination, these five Swiss lads are considered by many to be the lowest of the low. The All Music Guide, which normally can find something good to say about practically anybody (at the very least, they find in favor of the bands via their having been "underappreciated," "underrated," etc.), dishes out nothing but bile for Krokus. Ok, wait -- at least I thought they did. Reading this again, it is sounding not so harsh. Jeez, did they retract their previous statements about the band being musically inept opportunists looking to make a quick buck? I'm confused. Oh man, it seems that Headhunter has even been made an album pick.

A-ha! Here's what I'm remembering -- not the band bio, but the album review. Here's but a taste to whet your palate: "Shameless bandwagon hoppers that they were... singer generally makes a nuisance of himself with his grating speech... guitarist Fernando Von Arb's incessant pouting remains an especially horrifying image...." Okay, so it's not actually quite as bad as I remembered. But still.

Do they deserve it? Well, maybe. Much of the criticism involves their having been a crappy prog rock band who spotted a quick buck when they switched to metal (this fad was a precursor to the numerous glam metal bands who switched to heavier stuff, not all of whom are necessarily bad -- viz. Pantera). I'm not sure if the name was a leftover from their trippier days or if in Switzerland crocuses are considered more badass than they are over here (they are, after all, very hardy flowers), though simply changing the C's to K's doesn't make it that badass. It reminds me of that Danish band D:A:D (a/k/a "Disneyland After Dark") -- could no English speaker at their record label tell them that that acronym was not so badass across the pond?



I digress. To me, Krokus' weak point is neither their name nor their willingness to change genres. Their wussiness stems from two things. First, for every single they put out that was actually an original song, they also put out one that was an abominably crappy cover (e.g., "Ballroom Blitz," "School's Out"). Their original songs are no picnic either (particularly "Midnight Maniac," which is kind of unbelievably bad), but at least on those you feel like they're sort of trying.

The second thing is the tendency of their non-performance videos to hinge upon a relationship between the toad-like lead singer (who's also got to be what, like 5'6" max?) and an 80s babe. Like David Coverdale, this dude is no stranger to the open-mouthed kiss on camera. But compared to this guy, David Coverdale is a total fox. Apparently they didn't think the rest of the band was even worth showing off stateside, as they tend to figure into their videos very, very little. Now sure, those dudes are not good looking, but they really believed the lead singer was so good looking that he needed to be shirtless practically at all times? This I find hard to believe.

Also, what the hell happened in this video? (Besides that the record company was like "We built this set, and you need to use it at least twice" -- and apparently later it was lent out for Babylon A.D.'s craptastic "Hammer Swings Down.") I'm guessing it was like, he had this whole persecuted in the future nightmare, and then he woke up.... Uh okay, maybe it's like, he works in the diner, or he lives upstairs from it, and he had this nightmare that he was in the future and his evil coworkers were running everything and he had this hot girlfriend from TV but like, they were unjustly persecuted? And then he woke up and came back down to work, and couldn't believe that like, it was such a coincidence that that girl was on TV? So he decided to make a big mess on the counter? Or something?

Note: To give credit where credit (or perhaps blame) is due, the members of Krokus are vocalist Marc Storace, guitarist Fernando Von Arb, guitarist Mark Kohler, drummer Freddy Steady, and bassist Chris Von Rohr.

Another note: Yes, I'll fix these murky-ass photos as soon as I can -- I am in the process of upgrading my computer to OSX four years too late, so it may be a while before I can actually get anything done.

A last note: It took me fully five years to actually get around to updating these images (9/6/10). What can I say -- while my personal technology has advanced by leaps and bounds, the quality of the copies of Krokus videos floating around out there has remained static.

Ratt, "Lay It Down"

Eek A Clown!!!

THE VIDEO Ratt, "Lay It Down," Invasion of Your Privacy, 1985, Atlantic

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SAMPLE LYRIC "You know you really want to lay it down / right now! (and how!) / I know you really want to lay it down / right now! / laaaay it down / lay-it-down / laaaay it dowwwn / lay-it-down"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION The video opens with a scary, scary clown entertaining kindergarten-age children at a birthday party. He's making a balloon animal as the camera pans toward him. We can hear lots of caterwauling, a kid yelling, and kids blowing those annoying-ass noisemakers in the background.

The clown is focusing his attention on a creepy little boy (think a female Wednesday Addams) wearing a little gray suit with a bowtie. The clown himself is clad mostly in white, with almost entirely white makeup and a giant white ruffle around his neck (with similar ones at his wrists). The rest of his outfit is red and white striped, but it's barely visible. He's wearing a tiny, glittery red top hat perched on his head that says "Chucko" on it.

Anyway. The camera comes in toward the clown, then out, and we see that the children are all seated at a large dining table covered with a white paper tablecloth. The room they're in is pretty spartan. The walls are painted gray, and there's a white sparkly tinsel banner (like they hang outside at car dealerships) hanging in one corner. A little boy in a paper hat throws a handful of confetti, then the camera comes back up to the creepy little boy at the head of the table. We can see the clown moving around behind him, then the camera focuses in on a pale, slightly less creepy little girl. She has long blonde hair held back with a headband, and she's wearing a frilly white dress.

The scary boy smiles at her eagerly, and we see another little girl blowing into a noisemaker. The clown leans down beside the boy and says, "Okay now Stephen, blow out the candles." The little boy sucks in air to blow them out, but then the little girl says, "Wait, Stephen don't forget to make a wish." The clown and boy look at each other, then the clown nods and the boy lays a finger across his lips in thought. His eyes roll back into his head and he looks like a very small Eddie Munster.



The boy nods and then leans forward to blow out the candles. The clown also leans forward, and the top of his hat begins to spin rapidly at the same time as we start to hear some guitar. We hear a whoosh noise, then we finally get to see what little Stephen wished for. It's Warren DeMartini! Seriously, he read my mind, because that is what I am wishing for for my next birthday. At the same time though, you have to think it would have been cooler if Warren had crashed through the ceiling onto their table, like in "Round and Round." Instead, he's just kind of in some weird, misty backlit place.

Um, apparently he also wished for Robbin Crosby, Bobby Blotzer, and Juan Croucier, too (sorry, they're not on my list). They're all playing in a misty, weird place full of blue and white lights, and also black backdrops that look like they got stolen from a high school's modern dance studio. Robbin swings his arm around and pouts er, points at the camera, and Stephen Pearcy starts singing.

As he points and sings, "I know you don't really know me," a blonde with heavily frosted hair (and heavily frosted lips) turns to look at him. He takes a step toward her and, duh!, she's totally wearing the older, sluttier version of the little girl's dress (it's also white and frilly, but it's off the shoulder, belted, and features a fairly high asymmetrical hem). Our man Steve, meanwhile, is dressed quite a bit like a pirate (even for him). He has a black scarf tied around his head, a pouffy, spangly, open white shirt, black uh...what I can only describe as either pantaloons or knee-length britches, and then white stockings and white boots. And of course he's wearing that most important pirate accessory, tons of eyeliner (she's packing heat in that department as well).

The rest of the band rocks out as Steven pursues her through this forest of black tubes. Robbin points a lot, Bobby dramatically swings his arms, and Juan and Warren lean into each other and sing. I must say in this video Warren looks a bit like both Patti Smith (hair) and Keith Richards (ability to see all his teeth through his cheek). Still hot though.



As the second verse begins, we see the little boy at his birthday party with his eyes closed, and he's either just rocking out or miming drumming (tough call). Meanwhile, swashbuckling Stephen Pearcy is following the girl around the tube forest. She's kind of standoffish, looking away from him and leaning on poles, while he dances around and repeatedly exposes his chest, telling her he knows she really wants to "lay it down." He does a really lame kick, and she walks away, showing off her stiletto-heeled white boots.

She finally shows mild interest during the second chorus, as Stephen jerks his fist toward his body a bunch and the rest of the band sings along. Stephen creeps up behind her and whispers in her ear, "I know you only want romance." (This according to numerous sketchy lyrics websites -- to me it sounds like, "I've known you only one time, will you marry this?" Which I know, yes, makes no sense, but listen to the song, it definitely does not sound like "I know you only want romance"). She seems skeptical anyway. Then, in a truly inappropriate turn of events, we see Little Stephen whispering in the little girl's ear (she has her mouth open in shock). He says, "I'll give you all that I can."(I'm not disputing that one). It's gross, it's creepy, it reminds me of that stupid Titanic joke in the middle of "Oops! I Did It Again." It makes me reference horrible, awful things. Clearly, a low point.

Luckily, we're out of the woods fast, and back to rockin'. The girl with adult Stephen does indeed look like she's going to "give [him] just one chance" to "prove [him]self in loooooove." Warren busts into the solo, playing a cool guitar with a polka dot snakeskin motif. I will admit though, the guitar looks like it weighs more than he does.

Stephen dances and spins while the girl watches him, and Little Stephen continues drumming with his eyes closed while the little girl watches him. Robbin, Juan, and Warren all sing at once, which is kind of cute -- they look kind of like a girl group. Stephen swings his hair (and a long earring) dramatically to turn toward the girl, and she turns toward him and makes a meanish face. We hear a whooshing sound as they step toward each other and clasp hands (palms up, sort of Rocky Horror elbow sex style), lit from beneath.

Their image fades away until we see the clasped hands (just holding hands the old-fashioned way) of the little boy and girl. The clown is leaning over them, and the little girl says, "Stephen, what did you wish for?" The boy looks at the camera and does Stephen Pearcy's patented lick-thumb-and-point manoeuvre.



THE VERDICT Translation: I wished that in the future, you'd lose interest in me, and I'd have to win you back by dressing like a pirate and begging you to "Lay It Down." Um, what? This definitely isn't my favorite Ratt video, and I'm not just saying that because I hate children. After such intricately plotted masterworks like "Wanted Man" and "Back for More," this video is a letdown. Most of the video is just the band playing on a crappy set (okay, make that an especially crappy set), and then the whole plot about a 5-year-old fantasizing about whatever is just really unseemly.

Or is that really the plot? The more I think about it, the more I wonder: Is this video a flash-forward for the creepy little boy, or a flashback for Stephen Pearcy? It's unclear when the children's birthday party takes place -- it could be the 80s, but the children are dressed in such a weird way (and also the clown is so self-consciously retro) that it could just as easily be the 60s. At the same time though, the whole point seems to be that the little boy is fantasizing the whole thing, even though the performance part is the "real" action (i.e. clearly taking place in the 80s, albeit in a forest of weird tubes and colored lights). So possibly it is Stephen Pearcy having a flashback from the future about a time he wished and saw into the future. Whoa. I'm blowing my own mind.

Maybe it's just indicative of the weird relationship Ratt is depicted as having toward women in all of their videos. In spite of having lyrics that are almost 100% about women, the videos tend not to imply that Ratt actually get women. I mean, "Way Cool Jr." is just a weird p.o.v. camera thing, the women screw them over in "Back for More," and even in "I Want a Woman" we never actually see anyone from Ratt share screentime with an actual woman (though a) would they really want to anyway? and b) this video does also include the frequently used [in Ratt videos] conceit of having a woman watching or monitoring them). The only exception I can think of is "Slip of the Lip," where Stephen gets to make out with the spy lady who's trying to find out what this whole Dancing Undercover thing is all about.

Maybe they think it's one of those devices like they use with boy bands, where they'll have like, the wrong number of women on screen so they don't seem like they're paired off with the band members, thus making the band members seem more available as foci for relationship fantasy. I don't know though. To my mind, it's more effective to show them with women, so you can be like, "Yo, I'm gonna take her down. Get off my man!! Step away from Warren DeMartini!"

Dokken, "Breaking the Chains"

Don Dokken's Playhouse

THE VIDEO Dokken, "Breaking the Chains," Breaking the Chains, 1982, Elektra

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Breaking the chains around yuh / nobody else can bind yuh / take a good look around yuh / nooooooowww you'rrrrrrre breakingthechains"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION The video opens with a shot of two chains forming an "x" in front of a wall made of stone. They go from one corner of the screen to another, implying your television is chained up. Then we see George Lynch's hands -- he's playing his tiger-stripe guitar. The camera keeps pulling back till we see his well-oiled torso, then that he's wearing umm, what looks like belts being used as suspenders, then very fitted red slacks. Did I mention that he's ridiculously built, even though this is many years pre-body-building-fetish for him? Yes. Yesssss. Anyway, he's got his classic half-n-half mullet, which I love. It's not as spiked up as in "Into the Fire," but it's still in full effect.

Next Don Dokken turns toward the camera. Don looks totally weird in this video, and I mean that in a different way than usual. His hair is quite short (barely shoulder-length) and it's sort of curly, with bangs. Also, he's wearing no makeup whatsoever. He has on a red and black vest over a red and white horizontally striped top and black leather pants.

As he turns all the way, he begins walking down a very small hallway with George. It looks like Pee-Wee's Playhouse as a bed and breakfast or a boat or something -- white walls with visible dark post and beam construction, old paintings and candelabra on the walls hung at crooked angles, and lanterns hanging from the ceiling that move back and forth. Plus it's just wide and tall enough to accommodate them, making it seem like a carnival ride or something. When Don sticks his arms out to emphasize "the walls around you / closin' in" his hands touch the walls on both sides.

Suddenly Jeff Pilson appears to Don's right. He's got a cute little shag haircut and is wearing a fitted white leather jacket and playing a red bass with a red chain as a guitar strap. He is so damn cute! Seriously, if Jeff weren't in a band with George, I'd be all up in his junk. He is really super attractive, it's just like, hard to even notice when George is in the shot.



If I had to compare them to anyone today's kids would get, I would use the following SAT analogy -- Jeff Pilson : George Lynch : : Chad Hugo : Pharrell Williams. Get it? Got it? Good.

George and Jeff lead the way down the hall till the first verse ends, causing Don to step to the front and ululate. As the chorus begins, we finally see Mick Brown, who's drumming wearing a tiger-stripe vest over a black sleeveless shirt. It looks like he's wearing no pants, which I think means he's wearing white pants and the lighting is just weird. He's definitely not wearing tiny shorts a la Tommy Lee or Rick Allen. He doesn't look half bad, which is weird because I usually find him not attractive at all.

We pull back from Mick, and George and Jeff are both standing on the platform with his drum kit, and down in front there's Don singing and... holding a guitar? Yes, holding a guitar. I feel like at the point they set up this shot George Lynch had a real "oh no he didn't!" moment. Since at no point does Don appear to know what he was doing with the guitar, it is a good thing that this is the only video where he gives it a try.

Anyway, Dokken are rokken on their little stage for the rest of the chorus. George and Jeff jump off of the platform simultaneously, lights come up, etc. Then we see a shot of George playing a guitar with tiny chains for strings (they really took the title of this song as literally as possible). Even though he's not really playing, George does a great job with his guitar face.

Next we see Don reading some pieces of paper as he sings "got this letter / came today" and as he sings he turns to his right and the camera pulls back till he's eventually standing at the right side of the screen. The giant face of a woman who no joke looks like she could be his sister appears at left. She's wearing a red top with black polka dots, dangly earrings, and little makeup, and she has sort of frizzy curly hair pulled into a side ponytail. Uhhh... As Don shakes the papers around and sings about what the letter says ("says she loves me / she'll come back"), the woman mouths "I love you, I'll come back." Sheesh. As Don surveys the charges against her, the woman makes a sad face, then an "oops" face, then eventually turns and leaves. Don tosses away the papers and George and Jeff appear at his side.

Dokken rokks out some more, and Don's guitar face is terrible. He sort of pouts and strums along. As we head toward the solo, we see Mick, holding his drumsticks over his head, chained to some bars beneath a stone archway. There are torches on the walls and there is a fire burning in a little birdbath-type thing in the center of the room. The camera pans left, and we see that Jeff and his bass are chained up beneath the next arch, then a mercifully guitar-less Don, who's sort of dancing around in spite of the chains, and then finally George, who's just chained to a stone wall.

With a flash of sparks, George pulls loose one wrist, then the other so that he might play his solo. With a small explosion and some guitar face, he frees himself from his chains, then walks around to Don, Jeff, and Mick, breaking their chains by tipping his guitar toward them. Jeff and George rock out while Don sort of does this crappy dance and Mick randomly hits his drumsticks together over his head. I always feel bad for drummers when they get stuck in something like this, where they have to wave their sticks in the air or tap their hands on something lest anyone forget that they're the drummer. It seems kind of humiliating.



Don begins the last verse ("woke up today / I'm alone") and we see him from overhead. He's wearing a bathrobe and lying in bed with his head on a pillow. He looks toward the pillow next to him, which has the indentation of someone having been there but, as Don says, "I look around / but baby you are gone." The camera pans out, and we see that Don is chained to the bed, which is tiny (it stops beneath his calves, so his feet are dangling), but most importantly that he's wearing a robe that barely covers his ass -- it's like a micro-mini. Even though the light on the bed is blue, the floor around him has all these weird red lights on it. It's hard to notice, however, so imminent is the threat of seeing way too much Don Dokken.

Mercifully, we cut to a shot of George rocking out, but then it's revealed that George is rocking out right by the head of the bed. Don tries to sit up, and then, (Noooo!) we get a brief upskirt shot of Don. Thankfully, he is wearing briefs, but seriously, why did they put him in this tiny, tiny robe? Finally, with an explosion, he breaks the chains and leaps off the bed, and Jeff leaps into the shot next to him. Even Mick is drumming right next to the bed.

As we begin the final chorus, the band is back in the weird hallway again, just standing at the back of it as the camera approaches. Then they're down in the dungeon again, standing around. Finally we see them as if they were playing on the stage again, only now their images are superimposed in front of the crossed chains and stone wall from the opening of the video. As the song ends, the band slips down and off through the bottom of the screen, and a final explosion yes, you guessed it, breaks the chains.

THE VERDICT This video is often held up as a paragon of 80s cheesiness, though I would say that compared to something like "Queen of the Reich" this thing is a special effects masterpiece. None of the sets look like they're about to fall over, the walls of stone appear to be made of stone (and not of foil or papier-mâché), and they did enough takes so that anyone who got hit in the head by one of the swinging lanterns in the filming of the video does not get hit in the head by a swinging lantern in the video (although Jeff Pilson does come close).

Most of the cheese in this video comes from the literalness and heavy-handedness of the constant breaking of chains. This song is about breaking out of routines (whether simply in daily life or as an extension of a failed relationship with a girl who looks like a blood relative). No chains are actually meant to be broken. At the same time though, I don't mind it. Or at least I don't mind the dungeon part -- chaining Don to the bed is a bit much.

Still, I prefer the literal interpretation of this video to the crappy, utterly decontextualized "In My Dreams," which seemed to scream out for a literal interpretation. And, at the end of the day, what it really comes down to is the idea of George Lynch being all tied up. Aawwwwww yeahhhhh.

Dio, "Rock N Roll Children"

Dio is for the Children

THE VIDEO Dio, "Rock N Roll Children," Sacred Heart, 1985, Warner Brothers

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Rock n roll chilllldren! / uh-looone uh-ga-ai-ai-ai-ain / Rock n roll chilllldren! / without a fri-ie-ie-iend / but they got rock n roll!"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION The video opens with a lengthy prologue that is usually cut up, but I'll present it here in full because, you know, I'm like that. Stuff that is in brackets is what usually gets cut, no brackets means it's what you'll always see (if that is, like me, you are often in circumstances where you would see the video for "Rock N Roll Children").

[The video opens on a dark, damp street, with the camera hovering above it. A man walking towards us drops a newspaper in a garbage bin while another man, walking away from us, approaches a girl waiting beside a building. Even though costumes will soon place us firmly in the 80s, a car from the 40s or 50s is visible parked on the street.]

[Camera zooms in behind man's head: "Excuse me, I think you're really sexy."]
[Close up of girl's face. She's approximately 14 and definitely not sexy: "Get lost."]
[Guy's head, from side: "Hey, I was just saying I like you. I think you're really beautiful."]
[Girl shrilly interrupts him: "I said beat it!"]
[Super-hot teenage boy approaches, gently shoves guy: "Yeah, beat it!"]
[Guy moves away: "Hey, you know you should be more polite."]
[Girl, turning toward him: "And you should mind your own business."]
[Hot guy: "Yeah, I said beat it." Shoves other guy's chest.]
[Guy, pointing at hot guy and turning away: "Watch your step."]
[Girl rolls eyes at hot guy, who's looking hot -- he totally looks like a young George Lynch! Other guy, still pointing, finally walks away.]
Girl opens her arms in exasperation. "You're late."
[They start walking down the street. Hot guy: "Hey, I rescue you and you complain?"]
Girl, upset: "Where's the guitar?"
Guy, looking especially hot: "I wanted to..." (Girl interrupts: "What's in this bag?", rummaging through the shopping bag he's been carrying the whole time.) Guy: I wanted to talk to you about that."
Guy: "You see, I sold it."
Girl, incredulous, or at least incredibly pissed: "You did what?"
Guy: "I got myself a job, okay? But I needed to invest a little money."
Girl: "You gotta be putting me on!" [Points at herself and says, "Hey, that was mine too, you know!"]
Guy pulls valet hat out of bag. "Come on...(silly voice) Can I park your car, madam?"
Girl: "This is it. This is the end. You look path-et-ic." She turns away from him.
Guy, indignant: ["Look, I could pay for the guitar in a couple of weeks.] I could be making 200 bucks a week."
Girl, disgusted: "Oh, so you sold out. Yeah, well maybe I'm getting out now, too!" Lightning flashes and they both look around, startled. Thunder crashes.
Guy: "Crazy weather..."
And the song at last begins as the girl pulls the guy into the dusty curio shop they have been standing beside the window of the whole time.

The camera's above them as they enter the shop, which is dark, deserted, and full of crap like empty bird cages and old globes. As lightning flashes again, we first see Ronnie James Dio, who's looking rather dandaical in a white collared shirt with some kind of large brooch at the neck and a rather foppish black jacket. He's expressionless as lightning illuminates his face, and since he's pretty much out of context with what's been happening so far, we can't tell where he is.



The girl and boy pause to look into a crystal ball (which contains something we can't see) while a marionette spins over their heads, then we're back with the lightning and RJD as he begins to sing. We cut away from him, and back outside the mean guy is back, gesturing toward the curio shop, and he's got a cop with him (imagined dialogue: "See, officer? The chick I was sexually harassing was right here").

The boy and girl lean in close to the crystal ball, but its still unclear exactly what's inside (a person, probably Dio). The girl notices the guy and cop through the window (we also see a large model ship) as rain streaks down it, and she gestures to the boy, who looks up. They run backward into the shop and take refuge in a large wardrobe. We then see Dio singing again, more animatedly, and we can now tell that he is also inside the curio shop. As he sings, "Just like somebody slammed a door -- Bang! Yeah!" the doors of the wardrobe slam shut on the boy and girl. The doors then reopen, to reveal that the boy and girl are gone and have been replaced by light and fog. Meanwhile, Dio has crept over to the door (the way it's shot, he looks about three feet tall) and he turns the sign in the door's window from "open" to "closed" and draws the shade, giving us a meaningful look.

The boy and girl emerge, finding themselves in a shadowy, spooky world made entirely of two-by-fours. They walk cautiously, and we cut away momentarily to see that RJD is now watching them in the crystal ball, which he waves his hands around dramatically. The light from it causes him to look especially creepy. The boy says, "What's happening?" and we see an overhead shot of the world they're in -- it is actually a giant, spooky maze made entirely of two-by-fours and lit by a full moon. They're starting off, as far as we can tell, in the center of the maze.

Before we go any further, allow me to give a quick description of the two main players. The Girl is quite short (probably about my height, 5' 2") and a little heavy. Okay, by a little heavy, I basically mean not built like the women in every other heavy metal video. Her face looks like a 50-50 mix between Ashlee Simpson and Kelly Osbourne (I'm not kidding at all), and she has medium-length dark brown hair cut in a sort of rocker shag. She's not wearing much makeup. She has on a sleeveless white t-shirt with a large red cross on it accompanied by black silhouettes of airplanes, and she has a black bandanna tied around her neck. She's also wearing two studded belts (one wide, one narrow) over the shirt, and yellow and black tiger-stripe leggings. I can't see her shoes well but they're flats, possibly Converse.

The boy is, again, so hot. He totally looks like a young George Lynch. He has kind of spiky, somewhat long hair that's very teased. It's dark brown but has been highlighted blonde, and he has that sexy olive skin (just like George). He's wearing a t-shirt I can't see very well underneath a black, sleeveless vest, and he has a red bandanna around his neck. He's also wearing slim black jeans, and has another bandanna (that's I think yellow but might just be white -- the lighting in this video is horrible and all of the colors are washed out and very drab) tied around his left thigh. He has another one tied around his right calf. He's definitely wearing Chuck Taylors.

Anyway. They're in the spooky room, walking around horror movie-style (eyes wide, arms out, moving sideways). The girl's holding her arm out toward him, but he's already peeping down a hallway. As he passes through the doorway, a gate crashes down, trapping him there, and he turns and runs up to the bars as the girl panics. She brings both her hands to her face and we can see that she's got a bunch of bandannas, bracelets, etc. tied around both wrists.

She begins walking toward him, slowly, with one arm out, then we come in close to her face as a look of puzzlement comes over her, and she slowly turns her head to look over her left shoulder. There, behind her, we suddenly see a woman in a red dress holding a wrapped gift standing next to a Christmas tree, while a man and another teenage boy sit on a couch beside it. There's also a coffee table with some more gifts sitting on it. The man stands up and crosses his arms, and the woman holds the gift out and says either "Merry Christmas, dear" or "Merry Christmas, Sarah" (sorry, not sure), causing RJD to really go nuts with waving his hands around his crystal ball. In the ball, we see the girl start to smile and walk toward them, while the boy slams his hand against the bars and turns and walks away.



The girl accepts the gift from the mother, who clasps her hands together in delight. She takes the top off of the box, and we cut to a shot of the boy running down the halls and falling and sliding. The girl (who, I'm sorry, is actually wearing fingerless gloves with two large, studded cuffs on her wrists) has unwrapped a bouffy white blouse with a Peter Pan collar. She looks at it oddly, and as she holds it up to herself she suddenly sees herself in non-rocker clothes with un-teased hair and no makeup on. Disgusted, she hurls the shirt to the ground and starts crying. We see both the real her and the illusory non-rocker-her cry and run off, and the father points after her. The mother crys, the brother laughs, and the father admonishes, and as we see them all closely we can see that they're all a little weirdly made up (like if Andy Warhol touched up a Norman Rockwell painting).

Dio waves his hands over the ball, and we see that the boy has happily found his bedroom, which contains a messy twin bed covered in clothing and crap, a pile of albums, clothes, and so on on the floor, and a bulletin board with lots of posters, flyers, and a paper skeleton. He sits down on the bed, happy to find that in this weird, wooden universe he apparently hasn't sold the guitar. Just as he picks it up, a thuggish older man in a wifebeater and jeans enters and shoves him, hard. He recoils and the man yells at him (inaubibly), tears one of his posters off of the bulletin board and shreds it up, then begins taking off his belt. The boy takes off and we see him running down different wooden hallways.

Next we see the girl running (and I see now she has black bandannas tied around her legs -- clearly the costume person on this video had a big Punky Brewster fetish). She sees a white door with a man wearing black pants, a white dress shirt, and a bowtie standing beside it, and tries to run through it. He holds the door closed with one hand and with the other, grabs her and pulls her aside. He then opens the door for two blonde girls (one of whom is wearing a really strange hat not unlike the one the boy had at the beginning of the video), who look at the girl in disgust before walking through. The girl tries to go as well, while the door is open, but the man grabs her by the ear and pulls her back the other way.

We see another shot of the whole wooden maze from above as the boy runs through the center room, then we see the girl enter a classroom where several girls in white shirts, socks, and blue plaid skirts sit at desks and another girl writes on a chalkboard, and a man in a suit passes out papers. The girl, confused, carefully sits down at a desk, and as the man comes to her gestures to herself. He holds out her paper, tears it into tiny pieces, and throws the pieces in her face, and the girls at the other desks laugh at her. She shoves the books off of her desk, stands up slowly, then runs away.

Next we see the boy run up to a windowed door, pressing his hands against it. A closer shot reveals a handwritten "help wanted" sign in the window, and an older man with glasses wearing a white coat approaches the door from the inside, sees the boy, and jerks the sign away and pulls down the window shade. The boy whirls away.

The chorus is reprised as RJD waves his hands, and in the crystal ball we see the boy catch a basketball, toss it back to someone, and then catch it again as it is thrown at him with force. We then see him struggle for the ball against a gym teacher in green sweatpants while several other boys in green shorts jockey for position by the hoop, then the boy gets the ball away and makes a throwaway shot. Mercifully, they don't ask us to believe that he makes the shot, the ball simply goes away, and all of the guys yell after him as he runs off.

Dio waves at the crystal ball, and the girl stops running suddenly, surprised to see herself working on a motorcycle with two boys. One of the boys reaches over the bike and either simply shoves her or tries to grab her breast (hard to tell, but I'm leaning toward the latter -- making me love Dio even more for his sensitivity to sexism), and as she falls away we see both of the boys laughing and high-fiving each other in the crystal ball (assholes).



Next the boy is stopped short as he runs into a vision of himself having his long hair cut off by a slightly crazy looking barber. He turns and runs away, emerging in that main room again, where the girl has just shown up as well. They approach each other cautiously, and she puts out her hands and touches him to make sure it's really her. Realizing they've found each other again, they embrace, and he lifts her off of the ground. Suddenly they break apart, and realize they're surrounded by all of the people from all of the different scenarios -- the scary dad, the creepy guy, the laughing girls, the barber, the teacher, and they yell and circle around them until Dio picks up his crystal ball and smashes it against the ground.

This breaks the spell (or whatever), and the boy and girl run out of the wardrobe, which is still full of light and fog. They leave the shop, and emerge (somehow the boy has recovered his shopping bag). There's someone else standing outside the window but apparently it's not the guy from before. They grab each other and kiss, and we see Dio inside waving his arms to show that he's actually been wearing sort of a poet blouse (or whatever they call those things) and a cape the whole time. As the girl and boy embrace, the boy reaches behind her and drops the shopping bag into the garbage bin. They turn and walk up the street, and she grabs his ass (lucky). We see a close up of the outside of the curio shop's door, and from inside Dio's hand reaches up to raise the shade and change the sign from "closed" back to "open" -- ready for business, or at least, to teach some more rock n roll children a life lesson.

THE VERDICT I'm quite enamored of this video, even though I find it a bit discomforting to watch (it's the same thing as videos like "18 and Life", I always feel bad for the people). Anyway. My main revelation in writing about the video, and more importantly, in finding the complete video, is that having the entire prologue explains some mysteries but creates others.

First, it makes the girl more sympathetic. In the edited version, it just seems like she wants the boy to be there for her and (it is implied) become a rock star and take her with him. Its only in getting all of the dialogue that we find out that the guitar was a joint purchase, so it no longer seems that she's just being belligerent about his getting the job.

Adding in the whole exchange with the creepy guy helps to explain why, once inside the curio shop, they run and hide. Though the video always includes them seeing the guy and the cop outside the window, without the prologue there's no reason for them to run and hide, unless they're a lot sketchier than they had seemed (they're not doing anything illegal just by being in the store). Though it's still unclear what pretext the creepy guy brought the cop over on, it at least serves to not just make the kids seem unjustly paranoid. (As Dio might say, "it's always a mystery").

The one part really still unexplained is why, even after realizing that they do truly only have each other, the boy still throws out the valet uniform at the end. The prologue makes him slightly less sympathetic (after all, he pawned the guitar they both owned) but at the same time more so (in the usual edit, we just hear him say, "I could be making 200 bucks a week," making him indeed sound like a sellout, but in its entirety he prefaces that statement with, "Look, I could pay for the guitar in a couple of weeks," implying that he's at least made a plan to get it back). However, as they make their jaunty exit, uniform in the garbage, now he not only doesn't have the means to keep his job, he also by extension has thrown away their shot at getting the guitar back. D'oh! Clearly, after their reconciliation, when the girl figures this out she's going to kick his ass.

This video reminds me a lot of the Stephen King book Needful Things, only instead of trapping its victims in their nostalgic fantasies, keeping them from living in their crappy realities, it instead traps its victims in their crappy realities, later releasing them and encouraging them to return to living a nostalgic fantasy. This video is often criticized for being Dio's label's desperate attempt to put a youthful, attractive face on his music (since he was basically neither), but I do like it because it really embodies the almost uplifting message that Dio is constantly trying to put forward to his true believers -- that you don't have to be youthful, attractive, or embraced by mainstream society to find community in music. What can I say, it's Dio! He is seriously the nicest guy ever. How can I be snarky? I'll save it for "Rainbow in the Dark."

P.S. Giant new photos added in memory of Ronnie James Dio, 5/16/10.