Y&T, "Don't Stop Runnin'"

My New Year's Resolution

THE VIDEO Y&T, "Don't Stop Runnin'", In Rock We Trust, 1984, A&M

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SAMPLE LYRIC "(Keep on running) / Don't stop running! / (Keep on running) / 'Cause you can't catch me / You better keep on running / (Don't stop running!) / Oh yeah-ahhh!"

THE VERDICT Can you believe, and I mean truly, can you believe Motley Crue's first live show was opening for this band? Crazy but it's true folks, crazy but it's true. Reasonably decent songs aside, Y&T (which stands for Yesterday and Today) are cheesy as all get out. And as if their songs were not cheesy enough, they up the ante with their videos -- and by up the ante, I actually mean they go all in. With schlock like this, Y&T don't appear to be holding anything back (though allmusic always claims they're in on the joke).

Nonetheless, I thought it would be a good idea to end the decade and kick off the new one with some inspirational fare. While I toyed with many songs that encourage us to keep rocking and indeed, not stop rocking, in the end I picked "Don't Stop Runnin'" because it allows a bit of a wider interpretation. Also because this kind of work hard, achieve your dreams thing is more or less the new year's/new decade's resolution I set for myself. I'm in the midst of several personal and professional projects at the moment, and sometimes it's hard to see an end in sight. Thus, my resolution to "keep on runnin'."

Come to think though, I probably should have resolved to "Hang Tough," and thus blogged about Tesla -- a band and a song I much prefer to Y&T. But come on, Tesla never made a video with an apparently 30-something high school nerd turning into a robot, so we're sticking with Y&T.

Our video begins with said nerd (Paul) asking an equally not-young-looking popular girl (Susie) out on a date to a concert that evening (which we can only assume is Y&T). She harshly turns him down, letting him know she "wouldn't go to a funeral" with him and that she's going out with Big Man On Campus Charlie tonight.



That aside, we know she's popular because, come on, look at the size of the bow on her head! If we're to have learned anything from the movie Heathers, it's that high school social status is inextricably linked to the size of the bow affixed to one's noggin. The interchange is so awkward that the nerd appears to slam himself into a locker. Next thing you know, the BMOC has rolled up, causing the nerd to punch himself. Let's face it, he's kind of a hard protagonist to sympathize with.

The nerd heads home to his Y&T poster-bedecked room, where he can soothe himself with some tunes on his giant cassette Walkman. Throwing himself onto his bed (which, along with his bedroom, overall looks suspiciously like the room from "Cum On Feel the Noize" with some added decor), he's maligning his geek status when suddenly --

His Walkman explodes, and his face turns into the guy from the old Memorex ads! Next thing you know, a big metal breastplate pops through his shirt, he's got metal teeth, and big, useless metal hands -- yes, he is turning into the Y&T robot. This transformation appears to make him as baffled and sweaty as his exchange with the girl, and before you know it, yup, he's a robot. They can't likely afford the special effects to actually show the transformation, so we just get rapid cuts back and forth between the robot's face, and the nerd with metal teeth. Oh wait, not braces, more like grills.

The robot doing some aerobicizing gives way to Y&T performing live-ish in front of a fairly robust crowd. In fact, close-up shots of the robot are used to transition from scene to scene throughout the video, which is kind of weird. Apparently, the robot is flying around the Y&T concert as well as hovering over Southern California.



We next see the BMOC pull up in a white convertible to pick up the girl. He looks smug, and she looks thrilled, having put an even larger bow in her hair. She's also now wearing a flouncy, puffy-shouldered white dress and white gloves. As his car pulls away, we see that the BMOC's vanity plate reads "STUD BOY." Eww.

Oh snap, now the robot is onstage with Y&T. Just when I was about to say that based on their level of sweatiness and the lack of decent camera angles this probably was a live performance. The robot sort of hop-skips toward the camera before hopping over it. My guess is the costume is made out of foam rubber -- it looks soft and squishy.

Now the robot is flying (aka superimposed) over the Y&T audience. We then see the girl and BMOC driving (aka also superimposed) at night. She's attempting to look less than thirty by blowing bubbles with her gum, while he's more or less continuing to look smug. Ooh, now the robot is flying (you know what I'm going to say by this point) over the city. All of this is interspersed with shots of various members of Y&T sweating and yelling.



The girl and BMOC suddenly find themselves at a stop sign, that is somehow also possibly in an alley, quite shocked and confronted with three uh... I guess they're supposed to be punks, but this is in the sense that Nic Cage in Valley Girl is supposed to be a punk. The girl makes ridiculous overacting faces, and the BMOC shrinks down in his seat as the "punks" size them up. Also, let me mention one of the "punks" is a chick wearing black lipstick and an eyepatch with a large "tattoo" that says "Search and Destroy" in the center of her back. Oooh, rough neighborhood.

The tallest punk reaches in and grabs the car keys, while the lady punk smiles at the wide-eyed girl. The BMOC gets out of the car only to be roughed up by the two guys. They then get the girl out of the car and start pushing her around -- aww, the tall guy even grabs her bow! She's powerless without it! The BMOC watches in horror and then runs away.

There's a weird moment where the girl gets thrown to the ground, and then she and the punk girl sort of look at each other knowingly. I kind of feel like that moment is the only time we sense any sort of real chemistry in this video. Then it's back to the robot flying around, apparently content to enjoy the power of flying (can you blame him?) and let the girl get hassled by the punks. No worries, as she then punches the guy punk with the weird eye makeup (it appears to spell out "BITE" -- seriously, where did they learn about punks for this video?). This then inexplicably leads to him taking out his aggression on the "STUD BOY" vanity plates.

The vandalism of private property finally somehow gains the robot's attention. Let me mention also that when the robot is "flying", all its parts don't fit together -- there appear to be big gaps in its body such that its head and arms are just floating above its torso. Heaven knows what green screen problems caused this to happen. He spots the alley and somehow magically sees a close-up of the girl being harassed in a little starburst/price sticker shape.



The punks' jaws drop as the robot comes bouncing out of some dry ice fog. The robot fights the punks, grabbing the tall one's fist in his lobster-claw-looking hands, then doing an Undertaker-esque choke slam on the one with the eye makeup and lifting him staight out of his boots (during this shot, we also get to see that the robot appears to be wearing um, men's dress shoes).

This all proves too much for the girl, who faints, leading to some shots of Y&T and their fans all looking especially excited. The robot grabs the girl up in his claw hands and carries her out of the alley. (Ooh, you know it's a bad part of town when someone has spraypainted "Rock" on the side of a building.)

Now for the best part of the video: She wakes up, sees the robot, and gets way more scared than when she was just being abandoned by her date and beaten up by the punks. I mean, it's a giant effing robot with metal teeth and claw hands, and she probably doesn't know what the "Y&T" on its chest means! She punches the robot in the chest until he puts her down, and then she runs away to -- around the corner. Yes, she runs like ten feet and then stops, as if the robot isn't about to turn the same corner too. And now the best part of the best part: THE ROBOT CRIES A SINGLE TEAR. We get a pretty ambiguous reaction shot of the girl, still leaning against the wall, but that robot tear is just the piece de resistance of the Y&T video oeuvre, if you'll allow my overuse of French pour une minute.

Next thing we know, we see the Walkman lying on the bed, totally unexploded, and the nerd sitting up in bed, exclaiming "whoa!" and touching his head and body. "Aw shucks, fell asleep listenin' to Y&T again!" But then, he realizes something -- the left lens on his glasses is broken! Sacre bleu, how could this be? It couldn't just be that he, I don't know, was taking a damn nap with glasses on. But then he pulls down part of his sheets, and finds what appears to be either the robot's shiny Y&T breastplate, or a really, really large Y&T guitar pick.



He smirks at it knowingly, but what the hell that proves, I have no idea. "Yeah, I did save the girl, but she hated that scary robot and had no idea it was me." How is that good news?! Come Monday morning, she's going to be back to hanging off STUD BOY, and he's going to be slamming himself into his locker.

But I guess, as the song implies, he will "keep on runnin'" in spite of the fact that the girl is now terrified of him instead of just ignoring/dissing him. That's what it's all about, right? Persistence in the face of setbacks.

And besides, he has reason to believe she'll come around. I mean, if there's one thing we've learned from 80s movies, it's that hot women love nerds. And if there's one thing we've learned from the 80s movie Heavy Metal, it's that if there's one thing hot women love more than nerds, it's robots.

Trust me -- this video is so bad, it makes me forget that "Don't Stop Runnin'" is actually a pretty decent song. Confusingly though, it's being told to a person who "wants another chance" with the song's ostensible narrator, which is weird. The lyrics fit most with the video if you construe them as being from the point of view of the girl, Susie, even though she does not seem to in any way want the nerd to "keep on runnin'" to try to "get next to" her, let alone "feel the ecstasy." So maybe between this and the robot tear, this video wasn't quite as inspirational as I thought. But it was fun, wasn't it?

Danzig, "Mother"

Mmm... Sacri-licious

THE VIDEO Danzig, "Mother," Danzig, 1988, Def American

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SAMPLE LYRIC "Not ab-ow-uht tuh see yo-our li-ight / but if you wanna find hell with me / I can sho-ow you whut it's luh-uh-ike / 'til you're bleeding!"

THE VERDICT I know, I know. There are actually a whole stocking full of metal versions of Christmas songs, from Twisted Sister's "Come All Ye Faithful" (more or less to the tune of "We're Not Gonna Take It") to Dokken's "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" (by way of "Dream Warriors") to that "I Am Santa Claus" parody of "Iron Man" I remember being played on classic rock radio when I was growing up. Problem is, save for the last one, these are all really recent. And let's face it, people don't come to blogs like this (nor do I blog) to see what Dee Snider was doing in 2007. Instead, let's gather 'round the yule log (huh-huh, I said log) and listen to this darling tale told in the dulcet tones of Glenn Danzig.

Everyone in Danzig is huge -- they all look like that gigantic bodybuilder guitarist Alice Cooper used to have, or that other really ripped guitarist from Manowar. I wonder if they all had to be short though, to not make Danzig look bad. I've always felt like he'd be an amusing person to meet, not just because, as shall be seen below, I find him often hilarious (both unintentionally and intentionally), but also because he's my height, and while I'm a quite small girl, he's this massively ripped dude. And as such, he's surrounded himself with a bunch of other massively ripped dudes whose faces manage to stay obscured throughout this video, in spite of (well, more likely actually because of) it being strategically lit and in high contrast. What is it with spooky metal bands and high contrast black and white? Or with metal bands in general, I suppose.



But as per always, I digress. This video features mainly close-ups of Glenn Danzig's face and silly haircut as he bellows his way through this song, which has always been a favorite of mine. His super-deep voice is super-fun to sing along with, but unlike basically the entire Misfits catalog, this is slowed down enough to make it singable (and not too slow, like the sludgy "Dirty Black Summer"). Come to think, something about the tempo of this song is really ideal, as it is also really great to dance to. Is this what Danzig intended? Not sure, but its a lot of fun.

Anyway. We get face close-ups, which occasionally give Glenn a bit of a baby bird look. When he switches from "mother" to "father," he opens his eyes, and tries harder to make spooky faces. This is enhanced by the switch with the first chorus from shooting him straight on to shooting him from above, with his face now lit from beneath rather than from one side. Anyone who's ever held a flashlight under their chin at a slumber party is well aware of this trick. We also get to briefly see the drummer (Chuck Biscuits, who for the record is not dead) and guitarist (Jon Christ from Samhain), though again, not their faces.

Eventually, all this spooky face-making leads a bunch of hot women to show up, all staring intently at something off camera. We don't know what, though we do see a shadow of a cross on the wall behind them. We then see Danzig from a new angle, implying -- if we extrapolate from everyone's sight lines -- that he's talking to these women. We then see one of them up against a wall, with shadows crossing over her. We'll call this one Kim Basinger, not because she looks that much like her, but because for some reason, that's the association I make with her hair.



Then we see a second woman in the same position, only this one is, in my opinion, much much hotter. Amazing hair and makeup look that we will deem the Christina Applegate (though again, in my opinion, this girl is much hotter than Christina Applegate). She's got more of a spunky look to her, whereas Kim Basinger appears more alarmed.

Danzig swivels around so he's facing the camera for his close-up, and makes loads of baby bird faces as he delivers a power vocal. We also briefly see the guitarist, and Christina Applegate (remember, not the real one, just the lady who I'm claiming has a hair resemblance to her) making eyes at the camera. Next thing we know, Glenn's got a torch. This leads to a lot of screaming.

We then see, in silhouette, Glenn clearly standing on a box (or maybe the woman is kneeling?) and wearing finger extensions menacingly placing his hand on the head of a woman with bizarrely well-defined breasts. This is interspersed with shots of the Christina Applegate girl dancing (see? I told you this song is good for dancing!).

Then we see reaction shots of Glenn and the Kim Basinger lady, both with shafts of light falling across their eyes, followed by shots of just their eyes. Then we actually get to see a little more of Glenn's body and -- prepare yourselves -- he's not shirtless! It appears he has actually been wearing a sleeveless hoodie this whole time. Who knew. At this point in the video, the faces he's making are totally OOC. He's gone from baby bird to like, basking shark in terms of mouth-openness, and he keeps getting a little bit of an Elvis sneer lip-thing going. We then see him really high up and from far away -- is this supposed to make us think Glenn's tall?



And then ... ALTERNATE VERSION ALERT! If you're watching this video on MTV (back in the day) or Vh1 Classic (now), you'll see some close-ups of what appears to be the Christina Applegate lady lying on her back (you just see her head and shoulder), loads of Danzig yelling, and more of the silhouette spooky hands thing. However, if you're trying to watch this video on the internet now, the ONLY version you'll find is the original, which MTV rejected at the time (but which apparently everyone's down with now, since the edited version is unfindable).

In which case, here's what you'll see: Suddenly Glenn's body gets fully lit, and we see he's standing on a giant, upside-down star/pentagram thingy (there's some kind of additional symbol in the middle of it, but it's hard to see from where I am). We don't just see a woman's head lying down, instead we pull back from that shot to see she's lying on a blood-stained altar with a giant skull with devil horns up above it, wearing only a black bikini. Danzig and Christina Applegate are looking on with concern. Someone's hand claws the woman's stomach, then next thing you know, Danzig is hoisting up a white chicken by its feet, and a big spatter of blood appears on the woman's stomach. A woman's hand uses two fingers to draw an upside-down cross in the blood. Then inexplicably we get a shot of Christina Applegate lying on the table -- her outfit identifies her as not the same woman who was lying there a minute ago and instead the one who was standing next to Danzig, but Glenn's not going to let a little thing like continuity get him down. Then we see another lady (similar looking to the Kim Basinger one but not the same gal) tasting the bloody fingers and then making eyes at the camera -- eww.



What does all of this have to do with Christmas, you ask? Admittedly, not the most. Except that Glenn Danzig's love of blood landed him a prominent role in a Christmas-themed episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force -- thus landing him a prominent place in my heart (admittedly, not as if he didn't already sort of have one). If there is one quality I admire in people who appear to take themselves deeply seriously as does Danzig, it is the ability to then turn around and poke fun at themselves, and Danzig does to brilliant effect in "The Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past From the Future." I mean really, after watching him actually pretend to sacrifice a chicken, what else would have logically come next? Let's hope it's collaborating with Shakira for real. Now that's something I wouldn't mind finding beneath my Christmas tree.

P.S.: Don't even tell me you don't know where the title of this post came from! My other obvious option was "I cannot live with that guy. He is so annoying. He is so frightening. And he doesn't wear a shirt." But I couldn't decide on the optimum way to condense it.

Def Leppard, "Rocket"

Hey, Remember the 70s?

THE VIDEO Def Leppard, "Rocket", Hysteria, 1987, Mercury

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SAMPLE LYRIC "Rocket! / Yeah-ah! / satelli-iii-iteoflo-ooo-ooove / Rocket! / Yeah-ah! / satelli-IIIIII-iteoflo-ooo-oooh-ooove

THE VERDICT In the spirit of the decade ending and all the reminiscences, nostalgia-fests, and best of lists we are likely to be subject to in this and the coming weeks, let us take a trip back through time courtesy of our friends in Def Leppard.

This video finds our boys playing in some kind of warehouse full of spotlights, TVs, and other assorted detritus, including all these bikes hanging up in some kind of weird sculptural arrangement-slash-something you'd find in a junk-filled garage. Combined with all the nostalgic stuff on the TVs, this video is less reminiscent of other metal videos (not especially shocking coming from Def Leppard at this point in their careers), but does remind one of broody, reminiscing videos from other 80s bands (think Crowded House's "Don't Dream It's Over" and Simple Minds' "Don't You [Forget About Me]," both of which feature similar motifs). Playing with a bunch of old junk around you apparently implies you're thinking about your life, or something.

The only other metal video employing a similar motif that comes to mind is Great White's "Save Your Love" ("Rock N Roll Children" doesn't really count, as setting the scene in Dio's magical mystery junk shop is sort of central to it's plot). I guess Iron Maiden's "Wasted Years" is even more explicitly about reminiscing, but they only show photos of themselves (same goes for GNR's "Yesterdays"), so it's a bit different. Let's face it, at the time most of these boys were living for the moment and not really thinking too hard about this other stuff.

Then again, with all the tv monitors surrounding them -- showing newspaper headlines, stock photos, and most prominently, words from the song -- Def Lep may also have stumbled into some kind of undergraduate art project. Ooooh, or the Christmas party from Less than Zero! Though we don't see footage of the band on the TVs. We see Gary Glitter, Elton John, Freddy Mercury, David Bowie, the Beatles, Slade and other Brit glam rockers, mod fashion, Nixon (quite a bit), British pols, footballers, NME, and of course, actual rockets. Each verse the pictures shown on the screens tend to focus on one area (so music, politics, sports).



The best bit we get though is a quick clip of a very glam Phil Collen (and Rick Savage?). Somehow Joe Elliott appears to be their drummer! If only this part lasted longer or the video was better lit.

Anyway. On to another digression. Could they make a metal video in the 80s without spotlights? Much as Hype Williams would later make shiny stuff and fisheye lenses de rigeur in hiphop videos, so too did Wayne Isham make the spotlight one of the most prominent, and yet underrecognized motifs in heavy metal videos. Seriously, I should go back and tag all the videos I've written up that include spotlights, but that would be more or less all of them! But in particular, this sort of shadowy space filled with swinging spotlights is pure Isham.

I know, I know, the director on this video is Nigel Dick, but the spotlights are really Isham's thing. Plus Appetite for Destruction videos aside, Dick is more known for working with Britney Spears, the Backstreet Boys, and Band Aid. (Not that Isham's exactly a metal purist himself, but I think given all his early work with Motley Crue, Metallica, Megadeth, etc., Isham is who we can really credit for all these dang spotlights. But for the record, he's worked with Backstreet and Britney too.) In any event, we'll forgive him.

Let's digress about the song for a moment. The falsetto harmonizing -- which, if like me you've watched Vh1's Hysteria: The Def Leppard Story multiple times you know Joe adopted first for "Bringin' on the Heartache" -- renders half the chorus for this song completely unintelligible. It sounds like "Rocket! Yea-ah! Sinalighnaloooone!" to the best of my transcription abilities.



As I would never have known had I not looked it up, what they're singing is "Rocket! Yeah! Satellite of love!" This warms my heart not as a possible Lou Reed reference but because it calls to mind the home of Joel, Tom Servo, Crow, Gypsy, and my personal favorite, Mike Nelson (though not at the same time as Joel, obviously). Given the show didn't start running even on public access in Minnesota until 1988, Def Lep are not making reference to it, but I'd be remiss without plugging MST3K, because I freaking love it. Mike Nelson, if you're reading this, call me.

But the strangest part of this song is the breakdown before the guitar solo, where they take the weird falsetto vocalizations and cut them up, rendering them truly unintelligible, and add in bongo-style drumming. All the better to be accused of backmasking, right boys? Which they do with the "awmapshawdaNewOrleans" at the beginning of this song ("we're fighting with the gods of war"). But seriously. Even though the whole album has Mutt Lange's fingerprints all over it, the two most bizarre and overproduced songs on Hysteria are this one and "Women" (which, as it happens, was shot in this same warehouse, just with different lighting).

However, the bombastic chorus also allows Joe Elliott to sort of mime convulsions as he sings. Apparently at some point someone told Joe to sing with his head cocked to the left, because it's leaning that way for pretty much the whole clip. Meanwhile Phil Collen (who totally looks like Riff Raff from Rocky Horror) and the sorely missed and much loved Steve Clarke engage in all kinds of windmill-style guitar antics. Both do this while wearing cropped jackets over bare chests, all the better to expose loads of flesh.

Long story short, it's all good. I'll take Def Lep's tour through the last 20-odd years over whatever "I Love the '00s" Vh1 is surely moments away from trotting out. Oh WOW. Nevermind. Apparently they put out I Love the New Millenium back in '08. Seriously. Seriously. This is why I'm stuck in the 80s people! Everything that comes after is just too embarrassing.

P.S.: This post is named for the genuinely hilarious Saturday Night Live skit of the same name starring Jim Breuer as Goat Boy and, in the iteration I have in mind, featuring a particularly spirited performance by Chris Kattan as David Lee Roth. Of course since they're psycho about everything, I can't find video online anywhere... but if you can ever catch this episode (the host is Pamela Anderson), you'll get where I'm coming from.

Keel, "Because the Night"

Shake It Like an Eighth Grader

THE VIDEO Keel, "Because the Night", The Final Frontier, 1986, Gold Mountain

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SAMPLE LYRIC "[Because the night!] / belongs to lovers / [because the night!] / belongs to luhhh-ust / [because the night!] belongs to lovers / [because the night!] / belongs to uhhhh-us"

THE VERDICT Semi-embarrassing admission: In spite of the fact that allmusic neglects to mention Keel's cover of it, theirs is my favorite version of this song. It must also be mentioned that this is in spite of my being a tremendous Bruce Springsteen fan. I'm surprised Keel didn't opt for the more manly lyrics Bruce puts in. And yes, I get chills hearing Bruce sing it, especially going into that first chorus.

The same can't be said for the arguably more well-known (and ostensibly the original, though since she and the Boss co-wrote it, who knows) Patti Smith version, from which Keel takes the lyrics used here. Personally, I've always found her voice grating. I think it's also, however -- and this is no fault of Patti Smith's, since this happened way later -- it reminds me of the 10,000 Maniacs version, which was a staple of dances at my WASPy private middle school.

In spite of its much-vaunted proximity to New York, hip hop had not yet penetrated these whitest reaches of Connecticut, and thus our school dances included stuff like this. I wish I could remember what fast songs were played, because these were undoubtedly hilarious as well -- the only one I can remember was "Magic Carpet Ride." Yes, in the face of a musical landscape that was rapidly turning away from more or less standard guitar-oriented music (of which grunge was arguably the last gasp), the students at my middle school and the associated high school focused their energies on classic rock (particularly Zeppelin and Hendrix) and whatever metal was still around (the Use Your Illusion albums were more or less canonized; girls who wanted something less abrasive turned to the new, shorter-haired Bon Jovi).

The last dance of the night was always Zeppelin's "Stairway." This meant that by the time you'd finally ginned up the courage to ask someone to dance, you had to do it before "if there's a bustle in your hedgerow" because the song was only speeding up from there. It was the classic "Come Sail Away" problem -- dramatized in the first episode of Freaks and Geeks as well as in The Virgin Suicides. (I couldn't find good links for either but both are worth watching anyway.)



Thus if I associate "Because the Night" with one thing, it's either staring pathetically at or slow-dancing awkwardly with short, preppy boys in 1993 and 1994. Trust me, this was a hard association to break. But I can attribute it to a couple of things: Removing the piano motif at the beginning, punching up the fast/slow transitions with a total guitar assault, and Ron Keel's amazing vocal on this song.

I'm less a fan of the breathy harmonizing on the part of the rest of the band (though it definitely works for this style of lyrical metal). But Keel's voice! On this track it's got qualities I just don't hear in other Keel songs, and certainly not in his stuff when he was in Steeler. I think this cover is the first indication we have of where Ron Keel winds up going when he turns into Ronnie Lee Keel, country dude. It's a bit nonsensical, but in trying to come up with words to describe this vocal I keep hitting on things like smoky, honeyed, rich -- so more or less I'm describing barbecue (and Keel is of course from Tennessee!). Heaven knows I love barbecue, so this can't be a bad thing. It also may help to explain why whenever I hear the Keel version of this song, I am absolutely compelled to sing along.

But this is supposed to be a blog about videos. Sooo, what happens in this video? We get numerous spotlit shots of the band members, who are otherwise in complete darkness. I know that sounds like it would look like a thrash video, but trust me, it doesn't since details like their shirts or guitars keep being colored in with bright, very 80s hues. It's less thrash, and more those posters of kids kissing, which are apparently all the work of one woman.



We also get a subplot with Ron Keel, dressed very late 80s or very well, now in a big denim jacket, aviator shades, skinny jeans, and red leather gloves, following around a mysterious blonde who we never quite see. She swims across a pool in a leopard-print maillot, rollerskates along a boardwalk dressed like Debbie Gibson, and lies around a dramatically-lit apartment being sexy a la Tawny Kitaen.

As per the lyrics, Ron can only see her at night. But we have to wonder if the model/actress in this video ever actually saw him, since they're never in the same shot -- all the stuff we actually see at night basically consists of reaction shots of her face and then close-ups of hands fumbling with clothes. By the time the video ends, and we see her on her balcony watching the sun rise, she's alone again without Ron Keel. Quelle disappointment!

I would also be remiss to cover a Keel video without mentioning Marc Ferrari -- a talented guitarist, but also let me say quite the little hottie with that Bonnie Raitt streak in the front of his hair! Love it. Makes me want to put one in myself. Technically I had one circa 1996 or so, but that was a different time with different hair. In that regard at least, much like the 80s.

Dokken, "Just Got Lucky"

At Least 49 Years' Bad Luck

THE VIDEO Dokken, "Just Got Lucky", Tooth and Nail, 1984, Elektra

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SAMPLE LYRIC "You were just using someone / and I was the ooo-oone! / she said 'you just got lucky' / I believed your deadly lies / you just got lucky / I've been hypno-ti-ized!"

THE VERDICT Deceptively simple, this is the video that made me fall in love with George Lynch. He is literally a beacon of hotness throughout this video, having the best hair of his career (his Breaking the Chains half-and-half hair is perfectly grown out) and glistening with sweat. His classic red t-shirt which simply says "Balls" (in Helvetica!) sums it up well.

What else is going on? Well, Jeff Pilson is seriously outdoing himself with the guitar face. That man could give a master class in rock star moves. Don Dokken is running around with bandannas tied to his legs a la Punky Brewster. As per usual, Don is furrowing his brow and making pouty faces at the camera, however in about half the shots here, he's doing it in a sort of low-budget house of mirrors. It's less like the band's playing in a funhouse, and more like they're playing in one of the bigger dressing rooms at Bloomingdale's. You half expect to see a pair of beat up, size 11 women's heels lying on the ground -- not because they belong to Don, but because they always have that in the dressing rooms at Bloomingdale's, as if those are really going to give you a better idea how those $300 jeans look.

But I digress. Don's doing his best to look hurt, because this is yet another Dokken song about the evilness of women. Yes, as any metal video will tell you, we are a serious threat to... what? I guess in this song's case, to male self-esteem? Not really sure.



This is mainly because the lyrics to this song don't make much sense unless you add a bunch of your own punctuation to turn them into more of a dramatic dialogue (sort of like how the woman echoes that one verse in "Breaking the Chains"). The whole song is about getting over someone you had a relationship with who was a completely bad idea. You're having some trouble doing it, but it has to happen.

However, you can only get this by adding a bunch of quotes. Without them, the song sounds kind of schizophrenic. So we wind up with: she said "you just got lucky" / [Don replies:] "I believed your deadly lies" / [again, she said:] "you just got lucky" / [Don replies:] "I've been hypno-ti-ized!"

Even with the quotes, however, it's hard to say why this is lucky. Is she saying he's lucky to even have been screwed over by her? (This is admittedly how I feel about some of my exes.) Or is she implying he's lucky he got out? This isn't my favorite Dokken song (that's "The Hunter"), but regardless, it's one of their most nonsensical, even among the often muddled lyrical imagery of their "damn you, woman!" songs (e.g. "Heaven Sent"). For their part, Dokken seem pretty unconcerned with luck, as they repeatedly break mirrors throughout this video, most often by throwing guitars through them.

What else goes on? Well, we get a lot of Don's face reflected in shards of mirror, and hardly any Mick Brown. And every time we make our way out of the hall of mirrors (by appearing to break them), we get live footage of Dokken (and at least half the time in the same outfits, but live, and much sweatier). These boys need some VO5, stat. Or some of that Pssst dry shampoo.



And just when you think it can't get any hotter -- George Lynch plays the guitar solo on top of a volcano. It's not erupting or anything, but if I remember correctly, it did take a helicopter to put him up there. It also doesn't exactly look inactive. And look at those... well, look at all of it. This was before he went all body-builder, and I much prefer this lankier look (shades of Warren DeMartini!). In any event, George on a frickin' volcano is not a bad way to cap things off.

On a semi-related note, tell me you have seen Dokken vs. Chicken. I know, the current lineup of Dokken only contains the original half of the band that doesn't really interest me -- as I always say, Jeff Pilson would seem like an incredibly hot and talented man were he not in a band with George Lynch, but I'm afraid for me Don and Mick just do not do it. Nonetheless, they're still performing -- with Don's former attorney (!?!) on guitar and Barry Sparks on bass.

Back to my point, they are apparently the centerpiece of a bizarre ad campaign from Norton that while I'm assuming it only runs outside the states, I can only conclude is intended to get me personally to purchase virus protection for my PC. I mean, who else is that obsessed with not only Dokken, but also chicken? And particularly fried chicken. If someone wises up and makes a commercial that involves George Lynch and fried chicken, I am in serious-ass trouble, because I am pretty sure that commercial would simultaneously activate so many pleasure centers in my brain that I would buy literally anything being sold with such a campaign.

P.S.: Thanks to Gareth C. for the suggestions for this post!

Europe, "Cherokee"

How the West Was... What?! THE VIDEO Europe, "Cherokee," The Final Countdown, 1986, Epic Click here to watch this video NOW! SAMPLE LYRIC "Chero-keeeeeeee! / OH! / Riding on the trail of tears! / Cher-o-keeee-eeeee / OH! / Riding on the tra-aiill of teeeears!" THE VERDICT This Thanksgiving, let us be thankful for many things. Our friends, our families, and our health, sure. But also, let us be thankful for the internet, and things like YouTube and Vh1 Classic, that let us relive those metal memories that so few of us thought to commit to VHS (or Betamax!) at the time. I remember fantasizing that such a thing might exist when I was younger, and dismissing these hypotheticals as improbable in my lifetime, if not impossible. And yet here I am, having come a long way since my first foray onto the Internet circa 1994-1995 (I went to Yahoo! and searched "music." The top hit at the time was Addicted to Noise). I mean shoot, a mere ten years after that, I had this blog. And every year that I've maintained this blog (let us think not on the dark times of 2007-2008), it gets more and more do-able. You don't even want to know what I had to do to get my hands on digital versions of music videos in 2004. Suffice to say it wasn't easy, and I didn't exactly have my choice of what I could cover. And now, here we are, Thanksgiving 2009, and I have my choice of turkey day-related fare. Now admittedly, we have to take "related" with a grain of salt here, as there aren't exactly metal songs about pilgrims or puritans (unless maybe you count songs about witch burnings, though I've always interpreted "Am I Evil?" as taking place in medieval Europe rather than colonial New England). However, we have a veritable cornucopia of songs about native Americans, or, as every single one of these songs refers to them, Indians. Taking a liberal interpretation, I've opted to go with Europe's "Cherokee" this Thanksgiving. I know, I know -- this is a song about events that happened nearly 200 years after the first Thanksgiving. But just listen to the drums or Joey Tempest's hearty "ohhhh-ohhhhhh-ooooohoooohhhhhh-ohhh-ohhh!" at the beginning of this song and try to tell me you don't enjoy it. The closest to not enjoying this I'll allow is "guilty pleasure." I mean yes, there are many reasons to hate Europe (the band, not the continent!). Like Krokus before them, the purely pragmatic (and certainly not artistic!) switch from prog rock to metal. Joey Tempest's total lack of grace about said switch and avowed love of money. Admittedly, this makes it hilarious to read old reader letters in Circus or Hit Parader following any interview with him -- his complete and utter lack of artifice, his inability to articulate being in it for anything but the money really brings out the haters. Plus it's always funny to read who readers think is not in it for the money. And of course, lest we forget, the perms, wide-neck shirts, necklaces, and constant goofy faces. And the keytar! Keytar!! Europe aren't afraid to put their keyboard player in their videos (unlike, say, Cinderella), but they go one step further than Bon Jovi and give him a KEYTAR. And in this video, they prominently display that keytar all over an impressive-looking American western landscape, as this video bizarrely recreates (like the song) the removal in the 1830s of five native American tribes (including the Cherokee, who I think became most strongly associated with this by the fact that almost a third of them died) from the southeast to... Oklahoma. Yes, the dust bowl. Not the epic, southwestern landscape depicted here. Look, they're Swedish, we can't expect them to get everything right. I mean, think of their countrymen (and women) in ABBA -- "Fernando" isn't exactly a documentary about the Mexican-American War either. Wait, why are all these Swedish bands writing songs about American history? This video begins with the afore-mentioned drums and screaming. We see a man and woman straight out of a Stetson ad setting up camp next to their SUV (a Jeep Cherokee?). The members of Europe rock out on the hills above them, getting close-ups mainly of Joey's over-emoting and fist pumping. Everyone except Joey pretty much gets backlit throughout this entire video, so it's hard to tell anyone else apart what with the identical perms. Joey's favorite move involves planting his feet, knees bent, and then wiggling his hips while leaning back and shaking his fists. We then see footsteps mysteriously appearing in the ground, and the man has apparently left the camp site to sit by himself in the desert reading a Time-Life book about native Americans. The woman looks around like she sees something, and then suddenly we do -- ghost indians!! On ghost horses, no less. This reminds me of one of the scariest things I've ever read -- the short story "Ghost Dance" by Sherman Alexie. (It's in this quite good compilation if you want to read it.) It's unclear why the ghosts on horses are semi-opaque, but whoever's making the footprints is invisible, but just go with it. As the sun sets, the woman for whatever reason decides it's a good time to check how she looks in a hand mirror she's conveniently placed near their camp fire. What is this!? War paint has suddenly appeared on her cheeks! (That or she didn't pick up the mirror till after she'd finished her makeup. That or she's a big Nikki Sixx fan.) She spins around, and suddenly the ghosts on horses have gotten a lot less opaque. We also see a semi-gratuitous shot of a scorpion (the insect, not the German band). Oh snap! The non-opaque types on horses appear to be -- umm -- from far away they look like conquistadors, but closer up we see they're US soldiers. They're coming closer, causing the guy to drop his book and run away. This leads up to the main action, which is punctuated by all the members of Europe raising their fists for a big "OH!" If you thought you couldn't get a good look at the other members of the band before, now they're playing in the dark next to the camp fire. And you can just guess who gets to stand close enough to the fire to actually be visible. The woman is standing in the campsite all nervous and in the dark, and somehow, in twilight, the soldiers and indians converge and do battle at their campsite. A tipi has appeared amidst all this, and big moments in the guitar and keytar solos keep causing explosions to happen. The man's back, and he and the woman hide behind the Jeep to watch all this. Also let me mention that even though when they show all of Europe it's night, both the guitarist and the keytarist keep getting to play right in front of the battle where it's dusk. Also seriously, where are all these explosions coming from? Their increasing intensity seems to cause all the members of Europe to coordinate their pelvic thrusting and slow head-banging. The combat goes on for an incredibly long time, but eventually, we see that it's morning again and all the ghosts are gone. The tipi has somehow had only it's cloth bits burned off, and the man and woman apparently spent the entire night awake and crouching beside the Jeep. They stand up and peer over it, only to see... Europe, silhouetted on a hillside. Even without the ghosts, this video's ridiculous, and has nothing to do with the Cherokees. It takes place in the southwest, which has nothing to do with the Trail of Tears, and the native Americans they show appear to be Plains indians. However, it must be said that I am guilty of the same, as I am using this crazy, inaccurate version of American history for my own crazy, inaccurate celebration of Thanksgiving. Does this mean I am thankful for the US government's legacy of horrific policies toward native Americans? No. Does this mean I am thankful for Europe (again, band not continent)? Yes. Let's face it. Much like ABBA before them and Ace of Base after, these Swedes make completely bizarre songs (e.g. "All That She Wants" -- if that's all she wants, why not a sperm bank?) that are, nonetheless, relentlessly catchy. Keytar or no, I can listen to every song on this album again and again. And I can really belt along with the lyrics too, which is definitely enjoyable in certain contexts (the shower, long drives). You want to hate it, but something about it just eats its way into your brain, and once there, propagates like something out of the Twilight Zone (or technically The Night Gallery). And next thing you know, you're listening to Out of this World. Even the haters at allmusic like them -- "You could live without The Final Countdown, but why?" -- proving Europe to be, if you'll pardon a truly grotesque simile, the smallpox-laden blankets of heavy metal. The second you accept them, it's already too late.

Pretty Boy Floyd, "Rock N Roll"

Send in the Clones

THE VIDEO Pretty Boy Floyd, "Rock N Roll (Is Gonna Set the Night on Fire)", Leather Boyz with Electric Toyz, 1989, MCA

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Let me take you one step higher / rock 'n' roll is gonna set the night on fire / rock 'n' roll is gonna set the night on fire / yeah"

THE VERDICT Why is it that ever since "Rock and Roll All Nite" (personally one of my least favorite KISS songs), every band has to make a song that is a tribute to, well, rocking? Think about it: "The Right to Rock" (Keel), "I Wanna Rock" (Twisted Sister), "Rock Rock! ('Til You Drop)" (Def Leppard). And generally, the weaker the band, the goofier the song, and the harder they seem to feel they have to convince you of their ability to rock -- viz. the Vinnie Vincent Invasion's "Boyz Are Gonna Rock."

Pretty Boy Floyd is one of those bands where you know a label thought "well we'll just sign ten of these and see what sticks." They managed to make a surprising number of videos from this album before being unceremoniously dropped by MCA, and this near-success may have helped them to reunite nearly ten years later for album #2. In spite of giving their first effort three stars, All Music describes Leather Boyz with Electric Toyz as "definitely a CD to avoid." (Though let me also mention it doesn't have their one pretty good song, "Shut Up," which is too bad.)



Like Trixter, Pretty Boy Floyd suffer from the disjuncture between the Good Guy and the Bad Boy. However, they have the opposite version: Bad Boy image, Good Guy lyrics. Gangster references and black leather aside, PBF have Good Guy lyrics -- just listen to "I Wanna Be With You." It's about dating a girl in high school, for pete's sake! And to clarify, this is not in the Winger sense -- this is while you yourself are in high school. Again, this is not a Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused situation.

And yet, right around this same time, guitarist Kristy 'Krash' Majors appeared on Donahue in an amazing "Rockers and Their Moms" episode (that sadly, PBF themselves have had yanked from YouTube!). I mean check out all the eyeliner on these guys. In terms of style, they are somewhere between the glam and biker quadrants (gosh, I think I need to chart this out somehow). PBF are not cute n' cuddly Bon Jovi types.

But at the same time, they're so... pretty. And shooting all their videos with all these saturated, high-contrast colors is doing them a lot of favors. If anyone should have learned a lesson from LA Guns videos, I mean, that was it. It makes the pale skin pop against all the waving ebony tresses and eyeliner. Also Steve 'Sex' Summers' hat is straight out of Phil Lewis' closet.



This is particularly the case with our vocalist Steve -- approximately half the shots in the video are close-ups of his face, hair, and lace-gloved right hand. Even though bassist Vinnie Chas is blond, it's really the instruments that allow us to tell the members of Pretty Boy Floyd apart from one another. Otherwise, for all four, the ingredients are as follows: Super-shiny hair (a lot of hot oil treatments for this band I'm thinking); tight black leather (though Steve gets some red); eyeliner (black); lipstick (red); hoop earrings (silver and large). They kind of come off less glam and more drag, since it's not that over-the-top -- PPF are probably closest in appearance to Lizzie Borden, whose vocalist was actually going for a drag look. Also worth mentioning is that minus the clean hair, this is pretty much how they dress Jenny on Gossip Girl.

The parts of the video that aren't close-ups of Steve's face are more or less a shot-for-shot remake of VVI's "Boyz Are Gonna Rock." Weirdo opening? Check. Increasing levels of guitar face and vocal histrionics? Check. Does the guitarist burn and smash his guitar? Check. Do we have a lot of pyro for the finale? Indeed we do.



The only real differences are less colorful outfits, as noted above, and a set that is more reminiscent of -- okay bear with me, but it reminds me of a combination of a Warrant stage set (platforms, band's name written really big) but with the band's name written more in the style of the vulgar tee shirts favored by the band's members (Jerry in "Big Talk," Jani in "Down Boys"). (On a related note, since no one in the fashion world can come up with anything new, this "Frankie Say Relax" / Wham! look has actually become a popular t-shirt style again thanks to the UK's House of Holland.)

Anyway, the stage is covered with the band's name written in big, white on black block letters. Someone should have thought harder about this set design, because since the word "Floyd" is on the actual part they can walk on, unless it's an overhead shot, all you can see is "Pretty Boy." This makes me think not of gangsters but of parrots. And yes, while obviously the main definition of this word involves colorful birds, "parrot" also means to "repeat mindlessly." Touché, set designer, touché.

Trixter, "Give It to Me Good"

Just Good Ol' Boys, Never Meanin' No Harm

THE VIDEO Trixter, "Give It to Me Good", Trixter, 1990, Mechanic/MCA

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRICS "So take me home tonight / like you know that you should / when you're ready to be bad / just give it! / give it to me good / (give it, give it) / give it to me good"

THE VERDICT I was in Seattle a couple of weeks ago and saw this CD in a $1 bin (technically it was a 92 cents bin, I think the 8 cents was tax) and didn't buy it. Even for a mere dollar, I just couldn't own a Trixter CD, even if it included this, their only real hit.

Why the anti-Trixter bias? Well, there's the obvious you-showed-up-to-this-party-six-years-late aspect. (Just because you got together in 1983 doesn't change the fact that your first album came out in 1990 -- and it's not like you hear old Trixter cuts on Metal Massacre.)

But more than that it's that I associate them with the other bands who also made this kind of derivative pop stuff with very bright, jangly guitar and got called metal because they had long hair and power ballads that appealed to the ladies -- think Bad English, Firehouse, and (shudder) Mr. Big. I definitely hate this song much less than I hate "When I See You Smile" or "When I Look into Your Eyes" (which are indeed not the same song), but that isn't saying much. I mean, a song like "To Be With You," makes me want to give up on music. Or long hair. Or both. He waited in a line to be with her? That's a little bit skeevy.



Also as long as I'm ranting: Bad English -- I mean for pete's sake, the singer is the "Missing You" guy and half the band was in Journey. "When I See You Smile" was written by the lady who brought us "Because You Loved Me" and "If I Could Turn Back Time." People, for the last time, long hair does not metal make! By comparison, this makes Kiss making records with Michael Bolton totally okay.

Anyway, I associate Trixter, fairly or not, with these bands who sort of come on the scene in the 90s and still have the long hair, but don't use any product and maybe pair it with flannel shirts (as if that's going to help their cred). In some ways, you can see this as an extension of the Bon Jovi/Def Leppard school of dressing like a regular guy who has a more elaborate than average grooming routine.

Actually this reminds me that I just finally got my hands on the book American Hair Metal (which I highly recommend for the ah-mazing photos), and it contains a pretty interesting and useful typology of this kind of metal. It breaks up glam/lyrical/lite/hair metal in four ways: Glam is the most obvious; colorful, over-the-top style (think Vinnie Vincent Invasion, early Crue, Poison). Frilly is sort of dandaical, adding in some lace and velvet and stuff (e.g. Britny Fox, older Cinderella, half the members of Faster Pussycat). Biker is less makeup, more leather and tattoos, lots of black (so LA Guns, later Motley Crue, the other half of Faster Pussycat).

Trixter fall into the fourth category, Heart throb (as do bands like Bon Jovi and Winger) -- guys you'd meet at the mall. Yes, there's long hair, but they're wearing jeans and loose-fitting shirts with pushed-up sleeves a la Sonny Crockett. Cute, non-threatening (except for Kip Winger), these are guys you could fantasize about, if not bringing home to your mom, then being the kind of nice guy who'd want to meet your mom.



And indeed, the whole point of this video seems to be to demonstrate that Trixter are precisely these kinds of guys. I don't even mean the song, with it's "take me home tonight, like you know that you should" lyrics. I mean purely the video, which shows the band in all manner of regular guy fun and hijinks. From playing in the garage, we're taken to riding ATVs, touch football in the park with some Tiffani Amber Thiessen-esque girls, and hitting a Jersey diner (so far as I can tell, the aptly named Suburban Diner in their hometown of Paramus). And this is not to be outdone by the actual performance segments of the video: PJ Farley can not stop elaborately tossing his hair and Steve Brown sings along while making completely ridiculous faces the entire time.

The weirdest thing is, if you actually listen to the lyrics (especially the first verse), this song is kind of an ode to sluts. Ignore all the cutesy harmonizing -- "and that's all riiii-iiight / I'm just a man, baby" is in response to "got your fancy cars, and your diamond rings / you don't need a love to last." (Wait, is this an ode to cougars?)

Okay, I digress. But really, did all the starry-eyed girls dialing MTV back in the days of DIAL MTV because they thought Pete Loran was dreamy and they wanted to ride around in a Jeep with him actually listen to this? All this "always did things my own way" and "I'm gonna teach you a thing or two / hey girl, you got a lot to learn" sounds at best noncommital, at worst threatening.

(Also you'd better click on that link because it actually goes to a video of Pete and PJ ON DIAL MTV with the toothy John Norris!!! And here he is with 'Downtown' Julie Brown. Wow. The fact that he is actually posting these videos himself makes this even more amazing.)



I mean really, Trixter. Really. I'm sure you don't love being lumped in with all these pretty boy bands that actually feature fairly ugly dudes (again, Mr Big par exemple). I'm sure you want to party it up with Jack Daniels and Jack Russell. But when your music sounds like this, and your videos are like a live-motion version of Non-threatening Boys Magazine, it's not like people are even going to notice your macho lyrical posturing.

Especially when your videos feature you doing somersaults (in jams no less!), playing guitars with 'Slaughter' written on them, and repeatedly giving the camera the thumb's up. And dirtbikes! Seriously, what is the average age of the audience here? We see a silly photo shoot, we go to a diner -- don't get me wrong, you seem like nice guys having a good time (which we always know I like). So why write a song that implies anyone in this band is about to be "bad"? Or is going to show a woman anything more lascivious than (I'm going to guess here) chicken fighting.

I know I usually try not to be this harsh, but this video is testing my patience. It's like one of those bad early 90s college series books for girls (Sweet Valley University or Freshman Dorm) come to life. So listen to my blog, like you know that you should, and when you're ready to be less lame, then I'll hear it -- give me something good!

P.S.: Yes you were supposed to sing along for those last couple lines, thanks.

Armored Saint, "Can U Deliver?"

Always Ask Before You Order!

THE VIDEO Armored Saint, "Can U Deliver?" March of the Saint, 1984, Chrysalis

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Not romance to mee-eeee / it's just the fever / here's your chance to pleeee-eeeease / can you deliver?"

THE VERDICT I was thinking I'd been doing too many videos lately where everyone is just dressed normal -- okay, either glam LA Guns and Kix normal, or Bon Jovi and Winger jeans, open-shirts and long hair normal. But you know what I mean: No costumes. No wizards, fire, or swords. Not that Kip Winger prancing around isn't hilariously bad, but you know, I was thinking more the stuff that's sort of stereotypically hilariously bad.

My thoughts turned naturally to Grim Reaper, but then I thought no, too easy. And I'm more in the mood for something that's endearingly cheesy. This led me to one of my favorites, Armored Saint. I've never liked the Anthrax albums where John Bush replaced Joey Belladonna, but not because I don't love John Bush's vocals (just listen to "No Reason to Live"! That song is a revelation. This is why Metallica went through a phase where they wanted him to replace James Hetfield, which I actually feel like would have worked). Anyway, in our original, non-alternate universe however, I simply prefer him in his natural habitat of LA-style NWOBHM (NWOLAHM?).

Which, as we see here, indeed involves homemade costumes -- Armored Saint literally "armored" themselves for years. I don't know if they built the cars and bikes themselves, but if I'm going to guess I'd have to say yes. Unless they borrowed them from Grim Reaper. Or Krokus.

Anyway! Out of the smog and smoke come the brothers Sandoval, riding a giant station wagon with the back cut out and a large potato gun attached. John Bush walks out of some shrubs wearing a shroud, and Dave Pritchard is on a foil-bedecked motorcycle. Joey Vera just walks up... umm, ok. One way or another, they all make it to the same place as the sun comes from behind some smoky clouds, and as they stand in a circle lightning strikes repeatedly.



And then this video only keeps getting more awesome. The eponymous iron saint -- basically a knight -- appears in the clouds overhead, and unsheaths his sword. It's like a cross between the Gumby cartoons where they summon the rain spirits, and the Gumby cartoons where they are in medieval times. This falls to earth in a bolt of lightning, and then sticks in the ground all Excalibur style. As it glows and turns purple (and the knight/saint looks on from the sky), all of the band members grab onto it, looking around in disbelief. Did I mention all of them are extremely dirty? Their faces are all smeared with dirt.

The camera falls on John Bush last, and when it pulls back we see that he's actually grabbing a microphone, because the song is finally starting. The band is playing in a club-like set (in terms of size), though the decor is weird (and possibly made of cardboard). There's some kind of maybe goat's head type thing hanging above Gonzo. Everyone in the audience is doing the kind of synchronized, fists-raised headbanging that screams "I've been doing this all day for $4 an hour plus lunch" (i.e., they are extras). Plus some costume designer has put basically the same studded wristband on like half of them, and the crowd appears to be about four people deep.

For the line "do you know what love means?" we get to see a blonde chick in the audience. She looks like a grown-up version of the little girl from that Art of Noise video. Oh wow, as they pan over the audience more, we can see that in the purest early 80s metal video style, they've given the women in the crowd makeup halfway between Les Mis and Cats. Oh wow! That one kid is like 12! Seriously, what is going on here.



I will tell you what's going on: awesome costumes, crazy eye makeup, guitar face, hair flinging, fist pumping; really, if we could just add some fire, and maybe a dragon, or like a monster alien thing, and we'd have everything we could ever want in a video from 1984. Like I said above, the over-the-top-ness combined with the sincerity of it all is what makes this stuff great. All the squatting and synchronized guitar movements -- it's just deliciously camp.

Video aside, the lyrics to this song are dead cheesy -- okay, maybe it's just for everything good I said about John Bush above, I have to say his delivery in this song is a bit cheese. It's mostly just, I can never hear the chorus without thinking about calling a pizza place, or getting Chinese food, and imagining myself singing into the phone, "Here's your chance to pleee-eeease, can you deliver?"

Also -- allow me a bit of a digression here -- it warmed my heart to see this was put out on Chrysalis. Remember back when there were more than three major labels? I always remember being fond of the Chrysalis logo, with the little butterfly. Who knows what happened to them. (Okay, I looked it up, they were sold to EMI in 1991 and folded in 2005. EMI, of course, is one of the four major music companies still in existence.) Lucky for us, we still have Metal Blade (albeit as a subsidiary for one of the big boys), who discovered these lads in the first place anyway.

This leads me to a second (brief) tangent -- why on earth haven't the Metal Massacre albums been rereleased in some kind of super deluxe boxed set? Those are simply screaming for it. There's one from 11 years ago selling used on Amazon starting at almost $200, but come on, make a new one, throw in a DVD or something like that. A book!! Pleeeease a book. I would buy it. And if you're reading this, chances are you would too. Or you know me in real life, and know this would make a great gift for me. Let's do this.

Helloween, "Halloween"

It's the Great Pumpkin, Michael Kiske

THE VIDEO Helloween, "Halloween," Keeper of the Seven Keys, Part 1, 1987, RCA

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "in the streets on Halloween / there's something going ooo-ooon / no wayyy to escape the power unknoooooooown! / in the streets on Halloween / the spirits will arise / make your choice, it's hell or para-diiiiiii-iiiiiiiise / ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! / it's Halloween"

THE VERDICT It was dang hard picking a Halloween-related video to do. I mean given metal's interest as a genre in various things creepy and crawly, dark and ghouly, I had a lot of options. But in the end, I went with Helloween because of their simple sentiment, "it's Halloween." Or maybe they're saying "it's Helloween," which would also make sense. The German accents make it a little hard to be sure.

When I was younger (like in grade school) I thought Helloween was a pretty lame name for a band, but now that I'm older and have seen just how dumb band names have gotten (think all those hipster bands with sentence names, or random strings of nouns like Scarecrow Boat), Helloween doesn't seem that bad. I've always thought of this song as more or less their theme song, and the guy with the pumpkin head on over the bad 50s wedding tux to be their mascot. I know, the seven keys wizard guy is technically more badass, but the pumpkin guy fits better. He reminds me of the Garbage Pail Kid at least sometimes known as "Jack O. Lantern" (aka "Duncan Pumpkin").

Though if I had to pick a favorite song from this album I'd probably choose "A Little Time," you have to admit that the beginning of this song is frickin' badass. The incredibly fast guitar coupled with the menacing chant "masquerade, masquerade, grab your mask and don't be late" is amazing. But then surprisingly hot vocalist Michael Kiske immediately goes up into Rob Halford range and stays there for the rest of the song, save for one verse he sings in a vaguely silly-sounding low voice. Don't his vocal chords ever get tired? This song goes and goes (particularly if you're listening to the album version and not the edited one you hear with the video), with a jillion solos and a surprising lack of resolution, but for me the beginning is the best part, with the first verse and solo coming in second place. After that, let's face it, I'm not that much of a power metal gal.

So we see a full moon, then the Great Pumpkin appears. Then he sort of spontaneously combusts, and the song starts to get really bad ass. Helloween are standing in the middle of a dry-ice-filled forest full of incredibly tall yet limbless trees. Were it not 1987, I'd guess these were cell phone towers.



And who should come wandering out of the trees, but a bunch of women in Halloween costumes that were probably risque 22 years ago but look downright classy compared to the kinds of things women wear today. They're dressed as, well, typical women in a heavy metal video -- body makeup, tights, ripped off-the-shoulder things, drape-y pieces of fabric. They wander toward the band as if transfixed. Michael Kiske switching to using a deeper voice seems to be what really gets them going.

As the women get closer, we see many more revelers, including costumed men. The most amazing costume goes to Klaus Nomi (Germans and Venture Brothers fans know what I'm talking about). Even the Great Pumpkin gets into the act -- we see a lot of low-camera angle shots of everyone sort of skipping or hopping toward the camera in their costumes. If you watch this on TV rather than on YouTube, you'll notice you get several less shots of female revelers' butt cheeks. You're not missing much.

Even though they aren't dancing around or wearing costumes, everyone in Helloween seems to be having a great time. Lots of headbanging and guitar face, and they all keep hanging off of each other. Kai Hansen seems to be especially feeling it.

The video builds toward a climax with all the costumed people circling around the members of the band, then suddenly a big bank of fog comes, and only the band is left (as well as a bunch of pumpkins on the ground). The band members make sort of "what's that smell?" faces at each other, then they disappear too. The video ends as it begins, with a shot of the full moon.

Dang, this video is like a power metal Scooby-Doo episode. It shares particular affinity with "The Headless Horseman of Halloween", where the gang attends a costume party at their friend Beth's house only to be haunted by the headless horseman (who starts off with a pumpkin for a head). They should make a longer version of this video to go with the album version of the song, filling in the extra time with the footage of people finding clues in the woods. Then we could find out at the end of the video that the Great Pumpkin guy was really the girl's uncle, trying to shaft her out of an inheritance.



This version would conclude with Scooby et al. saving Helloween from getting ripped off by a thinly-veiled version of Gene Simmons, who is trying to trick them into signing away the rights to a hit song. The gang would then be guests of honor at a Helloween concert, at which Shaggy and Scooby would get foot-long hotdogs, but Scooby would manage to eat them both.

Then everyone would laugh, and Helloween would play a power metal version of the theme from Jabberjaw, which seems to be the one song Hanna-Barbera owned the rights to, at least based on how often it gets used out of context. I'm guessing not a lot of other people would like that video, but I for one would love it.

P.S. Why would anyone, even Hanna-Barbera, ever make a cartoon about a Rodney Dangerfield-esque shark living in space? Honestly, that's more confusing than even the most confounding of metal videos.

Winger, "Can't Get Enuff"

Why Yes, Those Are Bugle Boy Jeans He's Wearing
THE VIDEO Winger, "Can't Get Enuff," In the Heart of the Young, 1990, Atlantic

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SAMPLE LYRIC "I can't get enuff of you baby / I can't get enuff, it's neverrr enu-uuh-uhhh-uffff / I can't get enuff, I'm still hunnngrrraaayy / so baby give it up, cuz I can't get enuff!"

THE VERDICT The high here today was supposed to be in the mid 60s, but instead its in the 80s. Burning sun, dripping sweat, exposed skin ... ew pervs, I'm not describing my life, I'm talking about this Winger video!

Winger is a band I'm constantly on the fence about, and "Can't Get Enuff" is one of the songs that I place on the "Cons" side of the ledger. It does little to disabuse one of the notion of Kip Winger as more than vaguely sleazy, and their songs as overproduced. I know, I know, musicianship, training, blablabla, but can't you feel like if they're really that talented they'd be able to get away from making songs like this?

That said, this isn't their worst song (to my mind, that's actually "Seventeen"), it's just far from their best. Though it does have some elements I like (especially the "Hey hey!"), it has many bits that are pure cheese (whatever those weird chimes are toward the beginning, the parts of the chorus where it sounds like they've slowed Kip's voice down a half-step, the actual lyrical content).



And what is it with metal bands and spelling "ough" as "uff"? I have an amazing Winger t-shirt from their tour for the first album, and on the back it announces them "Too Tuff To Tame" (this shirt is so awesome no one's even selling one like it on eBay so I can show you a picture -- but suffice to say I have the one with pictures of the band members on it, not the tour dates one). But it's not just Winger -- you've got Enuff Z'nuff (lord knows I always harp on them), Tuff, etc. I guess it fits in with having egregious double letters in your name, which lord knows metal bands like too (e.g. Ratt, Rough Cutt, etc).

Back to the video! Okay not back, because I've barely talked about it. To the video! This video is basically an incredible time capsule of everything white people thought was sexy in 1990. We've got shirtless guys in mirrored sunglasses and mullets, women in halter tops and high-waisted bottoms, and motorcycles. Look at any man in this video, and you can be pretty damn sure those are Bugle Boy jeans he's wearing. Look at any woman in this video, and you can't be sure whether that's meant to be a shirt or a bra. And we've got all these seduction scenarios going on that are straight out of a made-for-Cinemax-after-10-pm masterpiece -- people eating fruit, in a boxing gym, playing pool, etc. while constantly throwing the bone eye at each other.



I also like how nothing in this has continuity or makes sense -- kind of reminds me of a perfume ad, but I think this would be an ad for Designer Imposters. Why do those guys have surfboards when everything in this video leads us to believe we're in the desert? If that woman is sweating so darn hard, why is she wearing a leather jacket with her bra/top? Also what is up with exhaust fans in like every video ever in the late 80s/ early 90s? Seriously, from Tesla to Milli Vanilli, y'all.

Compared to other Winger videos, this is almost all Kip Winger. The rest of the boys are barely visible, as we're too busy with close-ups of Kip's face, or of him walking around putting the smallest amount of effort possible into pretending to play his bass (e.g., using only his right hand). He also gets to show off a lot of that ballet training, with a number of honestly quite graceful spins and swoops, as well as the requisite arching his back absurdly far. He even puts in some David Lee Roth-esque high kicks. I bet he's good at yoga. All the swinging and flashing lights don't make it any easier to tell what the heck is going on -- backlit, everyone in Winger is the same curly-haired dude.



You'd think the strobe-lit woman crawling on a pool table would be the pinnacle of cheese in this video -- we can't even see Reb Beach's guitar solo, because we're too busy getting something that looks like a cross between "Enter Sandman" and a Slaughter video. Is the strobe light meant to imply this is a fantasy sequence? This entire video is made up of fantasy sequences!!

But if you're thinking this, you obviously haven't made it up to the "sexy photo booth" scene. That one really takes the cake, as the guy has to mimic emotions from "disbelief" to "flustered arousal" while the woman makes exactly one face ("sexy pouting") throughout. Also, if it's that darn hot, why on earth is she wearing stockings? Ugh, just contemplating all that thigh sweat is grossing me out.

I don't know if it's warm enough here for me to want to tackle my boyfriend on top of a bunch of grapes (are those people vintners? Why on earth would anyone buy that many grapes at once?), but suffice to say it was warm enough for me to think of Winger. And while I often feel I can get enuff of this song, I will say the video has brought considerable amusement to my afternoon.