Ozzy Osbourne, "No More Tears"

Hope That Eyeliner's Waterproof  

THE VIDEO Ozzy Osbourne, "No More Tears," No More Tears, 1991, Epic 

SAMPLE LYRIC "No mawr tee-ears, tee-ears, tee-ears" (Just repeat this in an increasingly dramatic voice over a badass guitar riff)

THE VERDICT I've made reference to this video so many times now that it stopped making sense to avoid it (even if I worry I'm risking becoming too Ozzy-centric). I mean face it — this video is like the template for early 90s metal videos. So what's it got? Well let me tell you! 

The girl suddenly looks a lot less like a stripper and a lot more like a model. I mean, heroin chic was never going to catch on among rock video girls (though among the guys, it's a different story — yes Nikki and Tommy circa Doctor Feelgood, I'm looking at you). But yeah, the gal in this video appears extremely lean compared to the more voluptuous types you'd see in a video from the 80s. The long satin-y dress gives her a sort of Old Hollywood look -- and as previously noted many times, between Monroe, Mansfield, and sort of general mid-century pin-up aesthetics, metal bands are all over this style. 

Random art references class things up. I know I've said in other places how many videos reference "American Gothic" (this one doesn't). It does, however, feature loads of frames and sort of weird art stuff. Most notably though, we once again get a visit from a knockoff of Salvador Dali's 'Mae West' lips sofa (see? More Old Hollywood!). You might recall Bobbie Brown lounging on one in the "Cherry Pie" video (a video which does reference "American Gothic"). Bet you never thought knowing something about art history would come in handy for discussing Ozzy Osbourne videos. But looky here, it does.

Yves Klein Blue is the dominant color. I've talked about this with so many other videos, it's time I finally explained it, since if you aren't the kind who reads fashion magazines (I'm not anymore, but I was, so) you probably have no idea what I'm talking about it. Anyway, Yves Klein Blue (or International Klein Blue, or IKB) is a super-intense ultramarine or cobalt blue.

 

It comes in and out of fashion, but it's most directly associated with its creator (Yves Klein, obvs) and his works created by having nude models coat themselves in the super-intense pigment and then assume different poses pressed against canvas, so the prints left by their bodies create the piece. I know, this sounds like the concept for a metal video, right? Yet somehow they never made the connection between the color and nudity. Hmm. 

Dramatic lighting gets even more dramatic. Okay, we all know spotlights have never been strangers to metal videos. But I feel like "No More Tears" marks some kind of tipping point -- okay, maybe "Poison" marks it, I'm not sure (hell, they're practically the same video) -- where suddenly everyone is being shot in high contrast, with parts of their faces in focus and clear and the rest in dark, utterly black shadow. They pump it up a notch by there seeming to be fans off-camera blowing directly into each musician's face. Even Zakk Wylde can't whip his hair fast enough to keep us from seeing his mug in this one! 

Wardrobe has been pared wayyyy back. Okay, it's not like Ozzy was ever glam to begin with. Well no, wait, I take that back. We all remember his Liz Taylor phase, when he wore all those full-glitz bathrobes onstage. Suffice to say, those are gone now. (Actually, Ozzy looks amazing -- like ten years younger and I'm gonna guess way more than ten pounds lighter.) He's stopped frosting his hair, and there's nary a rhinestone in sight. Instead, he's rocking a popular early 90s guy look -- the black (probably leather) vest with no shirt underneath. Zakk Wylde is just wearing pants (not that there's anything wrong with that!). 

I don't think anyone's wearing color though, which is a mega-contrast to the amped-up color in every other part of this video. It's like they wanted to keep things flashy, but keep their distance at the same time. That said, what with his giant cross necklace and numerous bangles, Ozzy hasn't lost all his flair. There are definitely parts of this video that weren't trend-setting though. The whole Ozzy's-crawling-around-while-he-sings thing? Yeah, not so much. I'm not sure what the jagged floor/fake precipice is all about. Maybe Ozzy's not quite so healthy as he looks here.

 

Also, I know the big framed eyes are supposed to look spooky, but combined with the Mae West sofa they just remind me of Chairy from Peewee's Playhouse (apparently a lot of metal videos remind me of Peewee's Playhouse). And the kitchen sink being set on fire? That's just weird. 

Some of the other stuff is the same-old, same-old. Women under water? Yeah, we've seen that (think "Don't Cry" or, for a dude under water, "Headed for a Heartbreak"). A grand piano in a random fog bank? Okay, I don't know if I can think of a video off the top of my head with that exact image, but there are plenty with pianos, and way more with fog, fire, etc. 

By the way, anyone know what this song is about? If you give the lyrics a close read, it seems like it's either about a vampire or a hooker. The video doesn't really give us clues in either direction. The thing about like, reminding you what your mama told you ("not to talk to strangers") and that a "red light" means things get started again makes me think prostitute. But then some of the other stuff makes me think more vampire... or maybe just human murderer? Gosh, I don't know. Allmusic says it's a POV song about a serial murderer... I don't know, I keep thinking hooker. 

 

Hmm, maybe it's a murderer of hookers... or a hooker who is a murderer (it's amazing how, of course, you can find metal songs that cover whatever bases you need in this area). Okay no, per Wikipedia Ozzy says it's about a serial killer. But wasn't it more fun to speculate?

Either way, for a song that's so dark and brooding, all it ever makes me think of is the baby shampoo. What can I say, it's a stronger and earlier association — and really, outside of the baby shampoo and the Ozzy song, it's not like it's a common phrase like "dry your eyes" or something. Or, perhaps, "Don't Cry"?

Faster Pussycat, "You're So Vain"

I Betcha Think This Post is About You  

THE VIDEO Faster Pussycat, "You're So Vain," Rubaiyat: Elektra's 40th Anniversary, 1990, Elektra

SAMPLE LYRIC "Yoooooou're so vain / [insert lots of bad scatting and weird mouth noises here] / I betcha think this song is about you, don't you, don't youuuuuu" 

  

THE VERDICT Faster Pussycat covering Carly Simon? Wha-aaaaa-aat? Where does this song come from? Well allow me to answer that! We can thank an uneven but actually kind of awesome double-album that Elektra put out in honor of the label's 40th anniversary, with bands who were currently on the roster covering classic Elektra hits. (If you're wondering what a rubaiyat is, technically it's a collection of Arabic verse. I think maybe they were trying to play on this being their "ruby" anniversary.) 

 

Anyway, if you don't know Rubaiyat, it's the album responsible for all kinds of random greatness, like the kickass Metallica cover of Queen's "Stone Cold Crazy", and the Gipsy Kings' version of "Hotel California" that everyone knows from The Big Lebowski. 

And of course, it's what brings us to Faster Pussycat covering Carly Simon — two great tastes that indeed, taste great together. There was a lot of drama around this song — the original Carly Simon version — about a year ago, as Carly purportedly revealed who it's actually about. Is it Eric Clapton? Jackson Browne? Some random music exec? Who cares! The entire point of this song is that if you think it's about you, you're probably kind of a jerk. I feel like I have a lot of people in my life right now giving off that vibe, which put it in my mind to do this video.

 

After all, unless you're just here to search for pictures of a young Christina Applegate (which, statistically, a lot of you are), you've probably noticed I've been away for a while... four months almost. Just had too much going on to keep up. I kept just barely getting posts up on time, and then one week, I just missed it. And yet, life went on. And on. 

But as I'm writing this, having just found a month-old email from one of my most devoted readers, I know I miss this blog too much to let it go (and besides, I have to keep identifying which Great White girls look like Kelly Bundy). I mean, it's nearly March — Power Ballads Month! I don't know that I'll be able to keep up with weekly posts, but I'll do what I can to serve up at least some meager morsels of metal. 

Like this gem, which is like a time capsule of what people thought was cool in the early '90s (and what people thought was kitsch). I think in the intervening twenty freakin' years the two have reversed themselves at least once, and now seemingly swung back around, at least from what I can tell by the preponderance of velvet at American Apparel. That said, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous of Taime's fainting couch. I love that kind of useless furniture. (Though I'm not so much with the animal prints these days ... another trend that has definitely come back around.)

 

Not to sound like Stefon, but this video has it all. Sexy women's shadows. Wildly swinging cameras. Saturated colors, including of course the de rigeur Yves Klein blue. Mannequins dressed as cops. Louis XIV-style portraits. Burlesque dancers. Contortionists. A crap-ton of mirrors. Aging beauty queens. Velvet curtains. A woman who looks just like her poodle (or a poodle who looks just like it's woman, depending how you want to look at it). Sunless tanning. Human furniture. Human furniture? You know, it's that thing of when the members of the band who aren't the lead singer just have to sit through the video. (Sorry, no midgets... so far.) 

 

Oh no wait, behind curtain number six-zillion we do finally find Faster Pussycat actually performing the song instead of just sitting on furniture that looks like it got rejected from Singled Out or left over from like, the original Real World apartment (wow, I'd totally forgotten that they had that guy who looked like Matt Dillon in Singles!). 

The boys seriously seem to be in some kind of contest as to who can wear the most velvet. I think Brent Muscat is winning with the red suit. Okay, but then the video ends with the roles being reversed — now the members of Faster Pussycat are playing in the little areas behind the curtains, and a bunch of model-types are posing and preening on the rotating furniture (completely ignoring the band, though I suppose that's the point). 

But for real — they finally let the guys play, and then they just throw tons of other stuff in front of them. Oh wait, now everyone's singing. And everyone's there at once, too. I guess New York's hottest club is the "You're So Vain" video.

L.A. Guns, "The Ballad of Jayne"

What a Shame...  

THE VIDEO L.A. Guns, "The Ballad of Jayne," Cocked & Loaded, 1989, Polydor 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Now it all seems funny / kinda lahk a dream / things ain't always what they seem / what a shayyyy-ayyyy-aaaaaame / what happened to Jay-ayne" 

  

THE VERDICT What is it about metal bands and ill-fated blondes? Actually, I guess I shouldn't ask what it is about metal bands. I mean sure, there are metal songs about everyone from Marilyn Monroe to Edie Sedgwick. But it's more of an American phenomenon. We're sort of obsessed. Still, these gals seem to have a real hold on metal bands. I don't know much about them, but my guess is that given metal's previous track record, Steel Panther are currently working on a song about Anna Nicole Smith (and be forewarned, that last link is way more depressing than titillating). 

 

But of course you know L.A. Guns aren't going to say the umpteenth goodbye to Norma Jean. Instead, they go with Jayne Mansfield, who was sort of the Anna Nicole Smith of her day. I had never heard of her until I was in high school, when I checked out a book from the public library called The Encyclopedia of Bad Taste. If I am remembering correctly, Jayne had her own entry, but if not, she was definitely mentioned in the section on death cars. (I also remember this book as the first place I encountered the idea of "dancing water.") 

 

Does the video reference Jayne Mansfield at all? Weirdly no. We just get a couple of shots of a fairly generic-looking brunette walking around. But oh the place she's walking around! L.A. Guns have rented themselves the grounds of some ridiculous mansion (I'm bummed I've been unable to track down the exact location). 

They aren't anywhere near a house, but that doesn't mean they don't have a gazebo with a stained-glass roof, tons of stone lions and other various statuary, assorted topiaries, and a ginormous swimming pool with a tiled bottom. I should also mention that all of it is wrapped in enormous swags of red fabric.

 

Oh yeah, and let's not forget the strings! You know a metal band is getting down to business when strings get involved. You'd think this would be a case where it's like, Guns N' Roses made it safe for everyone else, but this video pre-dates the Use Your Illusion albums and videos. Maybe Whitesnake made violins safe for metal. 

 

Anyway, they've got a good half-dozen or so super old white guys playing the strings on one side of the pool. Most notable is the one with the huuuuuge muttonchop sideburns and the handlebar moustache. Not sure what his deal is, but he's all over this video — he's in it way more than the foxy brunette, and probably than Mick Cripps too. 

 

Aesthetically though this video is such a sign of things to come, with the super-saturated, high-contrast colors. I've lately gotten really into the Instagram app, and this video reminds me of that — it's like they shot whole segments with the "Lomo-fi" filter. (Okay, really, they probably shot it with whatever lomo-fi is meant to imitate.) But really, it's impressive that this video is still technically in the 80s, 'cause this is kind of where everyone's heading. Maybe the L.A. Guns made Yves Klein blue safe for everyone! 

Okay, but let's talk about the other aesthetic elements of this video. L.A. Guns look less badass here than they do in their other videos, but they still bring it, especially my fave Kelly Nickels. The little black leather gloves and mirrored glasses are really working with his sassy bass moves. 

Phil Lewis is commendable in this video, too, though. He doesn't often look good (e.g., when he's wearing the weird kimono-type top), but when he does look good, he looks very, very good. Yes, you know what I'm talking about. When he's all shirtless with the roses. This is a look I can get behind!

 

Unlike yes, the beginning of the video, where he's stuck partway between the Mad Hatter as played by Tom Petty and Kate Hudson's ex Black Crowes' lead singer Chris Robinson.

 

Steve Riley, of course, not so much. I really like that his bass drum just says "Steve Riley." He's not that famous of a drummer. It's more that it feels like he's too temporary to get an actual L.A. Guns logo on his bass. Also, he apparently got the memo that everyone was supposed to dress in red, black, or denim, but decided that a red cowboy shirt was the right way to go. Oh Steve. 

This is a weird song, in that it's a little bit of a snoozefest, but at the same time it's an exceptional vocal from Phil Lewis. And the harmonies they do, especially in the final verse, are gorgeous. Phil seems like he's really into it in the video too, leaning on Tracii and really belting it out. 

I know, I know, a bunch of other times he's just sitting around in a stupid hat staring at falling rose petals. But the other times guys, the other times! 

So why'd I pick this video for this week? Well, it's gonna sound kind of morbid, but I just can't shake Jani Lane from my mind, and it's not much of a stretch to change this song into "The Ballad of Jani." Yeah, he was older than me, but he was just so... not old. And unlike say, Kevin DuBrow, he didn't have an extensive resume of substance abuse. Or at least, no more than your average rock n roller. I just keep thinking about it. 

It's cliche to say Jani's death makes me reflect on and appreciate life more (a lot of other stuff has gone on much closer to me this year that has made me think about that). But still, it's kind of true — it just feels like such a waste. I mean we're talking about the man who wrote "Cherry Pie"! We're just not about to get another "Cherry Pie." Everyone else is freaking out about Steve Jobs, and don't get me wrong, I love my iMac, numerous iPods, and iPhone... but I mean come on you guys, it's Cherry effing Pie!

Dokken, "The Hunter"

Happy Birthday to Me!  

THE VIDEO Dokken, "The Hunter," Under Lock and Key, 1985, Elektra 

  

SAMPLE LYRIC "I'm a hunterrrrrr / searchin' for love / on these lonely streets / uh-gaaaaaaaaaaaiiiin"

  

THE VERDICT Well, this is the closest Thursday to my birthday this year, so I'm giving myself — finally — this long-delayed video, for what may well be my all-time favorite metal song. Yeah, I said it. I'm not 100% sure, but I'm close. And regardless, as we'll see in a minute, it contains my favorite moment in the history of heavy metal videos. 

 

Why did I take so long to get around to "The Hunter"? Well one, I was saving it for a special occasion. 

But two, when I first started this blog, I did sooo much Dokken. It was kind of a Dokken overdose. I can't help it, I love them. But in any event, my overindulgence circa 2004-5 meant that once I got more serious about blogging, I had to really mete out my servings of Dokken, making them fewer and further between so that I could get to other bands (and I know, I still have plenty I haven't even gotten to yet!). 

But when it came to this year's birthday post, I decided it was time. This video is one of my favorites. It's just unbelievably stylish, with all the detail shots of their clothes and of the guys hanging out. 

It is the best use of the Kim Anderson effect of any metal video I would say — and yes, faithful readers will remember that by "Kim Anderson effect" I mean not the rock video girl from "Girlschool" but the whole taking-a-black-and-white-image-and-just-coloring-in-some-parts-of-it thing like in the other Kim Anderson's cheesy photos. 

It's in a zillion videos, but "The Hunter" is like a master class in it, especially when they do the little sort of stop-motion sequences of photos like the meet the band sequence at the beginning.

 

Though most of the video is the stop-motion-y Kim Anderson effect stuff, which is basically the band playing in some kind of rehearsal space, the rest of "The Hunter" involves giving each member of Dokken his own plot. This is always a good video strategy for bands whose members don't get along, as they don't have to spend too much time on set together. 

The "plot" parts of the video are filmed in color, so they're visually very separate from the other stuff. Oh right, except for Mick's, which for some reason is in grainy black and white. He always gets the short end of the stick in Dokken videos. 

  

George Lynch and Don Dokken get pretty similar plots, which is fitting — they're always on the same wavelength I feel like, just not with each other. But we follow George as he drives a red sportscar (I want to say a Ferrari) around a city at night (probably L.A.), and Don as he rides a motorcycle in the city during the day and then in the desert. 

I know this is mean, but seriously, Don should not have picked a plot that was going to blow his hair around so much. It's like when Shawn Michaels wrestles and his ponytail gets out of whack and suddenly you realize he's actually pretty bald. 

I should just get this out of my system now — oh my dear lord does George Lynch look hotttttt in this video. I can't even deal. Pre-body building, pre-tattoos, long hair... I am swooning right now. He has that like perfect lanky build, and he's rocking the loose tank top and leather pants look to the hilt. When he does things like lie down on his side and prop his head up on one elbow, seriously guys, it's almost too much. 

 

Don on the other hand... well, we all know as a Lynch partisan, I'm not very interested in Don. He has stubble in this video, which is a bit of a departure for him since he usually looks very cleaned up (and besides, if you had time to put on eyeliner, you had time to shave). I will give him props though on the loose, Miami Vice-style blazer during the performance scenes. That's a good look. 

Mick Brown has the sort of least-involved plot — it's basically just him hanging out at a dive bar. Though I know George and Don are driving around "on the lonely streets, uh-gaaaaaiiinnnn," I feel like Mick is the one who seems the most like he's "searchin' for love." I don't know if he'll find it in places like this, but hopefully whatever he does find is treatable. 

Also, following Mick shows us that we are indeed in LA — most of the signs for bars and stuff are hard to read, but at one point a bus rolls by with a KBIG FM 104 ad on its side. If that weren't enough evidence, he strolls down the Hollywood Walk of Fame, too. 

Jeff Pilson has the most involved plot by far. It also comes the closest to involving hunting of any sort. Jeff is for some reason caged, then released into the woods to be chased by a large crowd of burly, bearded, flannel-shirt wearing men with torches and baseball bats. And dogs. And dogs. Mmmmmm-kayyyyy. Jeff actually has to get his leather pants dirty, running through a stream and stuff to try to evade them.

 

But here's where this gets even weirder (and more topical) — in one shot, we see that the little wooden crate they have him locked in has "PMRC" written on it. Unabbreviated, that's the Parents Music Resource Center. 

Doesn't this mean he should've been being chased through the woods by like, a bunch of senators and Tipper Gore, rather than a bunch of lumberjacks? One would think so. It's an odd touch, and the one time where Dokken try to make any kind of political point or express any type of stance on topics other than like, relationships, in any of their videos. 

Almost every part of this video is just gorgeous. They actually get pretty creative with a lot of the shots, really doing a nice job of framing the band in visually appealing ways (and no, I don't just mean by showing plenty of George!). 

In fact, this video doesn't actually show that much George. During the solo, instead of a photo montage of him, we see a photo montage of his guitars. And his plot sequence is mostly just the top of his head from the back. 

But let us not forget — dant-da-da-da! — my all-time favorite moment in the history of heavy metal videos. It's such a little thing, but yep, its about a minute and a half in, when Don sings "but then it comes to me!", George hits a big guitar note, and Jeff Pilson does this totally badass rockstar jump. 

One minute he's just playing, the next minute he leaps in place, before you know it, he's landed. It's so small, but it's so visually striking, and punctuates that point in the song perfectly. Bravo, Jeff. That's the perfect gift for me.

 

Tesla, "What You Give"

Dead Dogs and Warehouses  

THE VIDEO Tesla, "What You Give," Psychotic Supper, 1991, Geffen 

  

SAMPLE LYRIC "It's not what you got / it's what you give / it's not the life you choose / it's the one you live" 

THE VERDICT Okay, so I know that very little happens in this video. It's pretty much just Tesla playing the song in what appears to be the Blair Witch's house. In the whole beginning part when Jeff Keith is kind of by himself in another area, sort of half in shadow and tangled up in wires, I keep expecting he's going to come into the main room and see Brian Wheat just standing there facing into the corner. Jeff does have his eyes closed until like, halfway into this video, so maybe he's scared. 

Seriously, what is it about these sort of unfinished spaces — whether warehouses or barns — that metal video directors decided telegraphs a certain kind of authenticity? And I mean, are Tesla the kind of band that even needs to bother with that? I mean no one looks at Troy Luccketta and is like "That guy's trying too hard. What a poseur." 

I don't know, maybe they were trying to counterbalance Frank Hannon's elaborately crocheted sweater. (Yes, my other hobby — approximately as non-metal as you can get — is crochet.) I kind of think that Jeff rocking the denim-vest-over-leather-jacket look does enough of that, but whatever. 

Anyway, this week the video's not really what I want to talk about (and nooo, for once I don't want to tell a long anecdote about myself either!). I actually want to talk about this song, which I freaking love. 

Well, I halfway do. I love the verse, and hate the chorus, which is actually pretty common for me. In the case of "What You Give," it's just that it goes way too Hallmark with all the rhyming. But I think the bigger offense is just repetition — jeepers jolly, they repeat the chorus just ad nauseam toward the end of the song, in an increasingly frantic way. About the only song that I enjoy this in is "Cherry Pie." 

Here though, if sheer repetitiveness hasn't already worn you down, the part where Tommy Skeoch screams it in a guttural voice will. Ew. It's like cheese squared.

 

But the rest of the song! Oh the rest of the song. It's the kind of thing I want to doodle in ballpoint pen in the margins of every notebook I own! "I feel so lonely and I know I'm not the only one / to carry on this way / I love you so much I lose track of time! / Lose track of the days." I mean this is what you want love to be like, people. 

Okay, maybe not the loneliness part. But no, I don't think it's like, an existential loneliness song. It's more of a temporarily-apart-via-circumstances-somewhat-beyond-our-control song. And then when they reprise the beginning, and turn it into the second person — "You're the one, that makes me happy / oh yeah bay-bee! / you're the one always on my mind" etc. I. Can't. Even. Deal. 

"Why can't forever be, forever and nothin' more?" That is exactly the kind of lyrical nothing — a sort of vague profundity that doesn't really make a whole lot of sense — that instantly makes me feel seventeen again in like, the best way possible. 

 

And yet. 

And yet. 

It turns out the whole dang song is about a dog! Sigh. For real Tesla? Yes, for real. Or at least, according to Jeff in the little intro to "What You Give" on Time's Makin' Changes. 

Now don't get me wrong. I love dogs. I have a dog. She's eight. She is very giving, though I would also say she takes quite a bit too. I just... I don't want this song to be about a dog. 

Now Guns N Roses' "Used to Love Her," that's a song that well, I'm not stoked it's purportedly about a dog, but I guess that's better than it being totally misogynistic? I guess this is one of those times where I don't want to know what the song's really about, and just want to have my own interpretation of it. 

Weirdly, way back in the day this was one of the most common arguments made against music videos — that seeing a specific visual would supersede whatever the listener just related the music to on their own, in their head. I don't think I really get this with videos — since at least they're related to the songs — but I will say, having a song be prominently featured in a movie, a commercial, or (the ultimate personal-association-killer) a commercial for a movie really does it. 

But has it ever done it for a metal song for me? Hmm, I'm gonna have to think about this one. I think Tesla are safe though, at least from that fate. 

P.S.: I know it's a stretch, but I was going for a Freaks and Geeks reference.