THE VIDEO Monster Magnet, "Space Lord," Powertrip, 1998, A&M
SAMPLE LYRIC "Well I sing ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh / Space lord mother mother! / Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh / Space lord mother mother!"
THE VERDICTI know. This video is from nineteen-ninety-freakin'-eight. It's well outside the purview of Headbanger's Ball (which met its maker three years prior). Not only that, it has the ignominious distinction of having been the first video ever played on TRL. (Not that that kind of popularity is always a bad thing — I mean, think how many videos I've featured were really popular on Dial MTV back in the day! 'Memba that one?)
So why am I do doing this? Welllll, because I'm getting married in fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada, and this was the only metal (or even metal-ish) video I could come up with that is in Vegas. Which is weird when you think about it, given how many music videos take place in Vegas. Rock videos, pop videos, pop-rap videos — in terms of U.S. cities, it probably comes in third, after L.A. and New York (the only possible contender I can even think of for third place would be Miami, or like if you counted Brooklyn videos separately from Manhattan ones).
Anyway. This video is pretty beloved, but everyone seems to forget Monster Magnet pulled this trick not once but twice — "Powertrip" is more or less the same idea, using slightly different hip-hop video conventions (inflated suits, tunnels). I think it's mainly that this one was such a surprise at the time, especially because of how it starts out.
I mean, before things really get going, this video plays not only with the conventions of hip-hop videos of the time, but also of dark/nu metal videos. I mean, the whole first verse, when the music's still pretty quiet, could be from any of a number of videos, with the faces coming in and out of the light, and all the fog flying around, and of course the super-wrinkly old people (hello, "The Unforgiven," I'm looking at you). I think the skinny kid with "Mother" written on his chest is a nod at "Jeremy," just like, while they're at it.
You just have to kind of ignore the fact that if you're paying attention, Dave Wyndorf is already wearing a big ol' chain and a purple vinyl suit. (While you're at it, ignore the guitarist's raver attire, with the big pigtail buns and giant sunglasses, even if it kind of reminds me of Edge and Christian. Late 90s fashion was baaad. For real, no nostalgia there.)
But dang, when suddenly the black backdrop falls down behind them and you really see Dave's suit, you have to admit it's pretty freakin' badass. Not to mention all the dancers. I feel like nowadays you'd expect them to be more implant-y and dressed more provocatively, but they are totally correct for the time, with their monochrome metallic getups.
In fact, they're basically the exact outfits worn in Ma$e's video for "Feel So Good," which this video grabs almost all its shots from. It's actually kind of amazing how exactly they recreate parts of it. The biggest difference is Ma$e has more girls throwing around money, and he actually gets to shoot inside the casino.
So where are they in this video? Same as Ma$e — Monster Magnet aren't on the Strip. By relocating to Fremont Street and the Plaza, they've gotten a hotel that's willing to scroll their band's name on its marquee (and let them shoot off a ton of pyro), so we can't knock 'em for that.
It also gives them this cool ceiling-of-lights thing to shoot under, so I like that. You can't imitate the Hype Williams style without a lot of lights and a fisheye lens. I enjoy Dave's lightbulb-covered suit as well. Especially the fact that you can visibly see where it's plugged in. Any shots where you can see his legs, you can also see the cord.
Okay ew, the part where Twiggy from Marilyn Manson is suddenly there, no thanks. Sorry, but I am just not a Manson fan. But I appreciate that it was critical that they include a sequence in the video where Dave drives a Pontiac Firebird down a street where it looks like it just finished raining, accentuating all the lights. Again, it's just Fremont, not the Strip, but it still looks good. You've got to appreciate the old Vegas, not just the new stuff.
I also enjoy though that they aren't even driving on a road — I'm pretty sure this is enclosed now, as part of the Fremont Street Experience (it actually already might have been at the time this was shot, they just aren't lighting the 'ceiling'). So this video has a bigger budget than its non-Strip location might make one think — given that there aren't people gawking at them from the slot machines, Monster Magnet actually closed off like, all of Fremont to make this video happen.
My guess is they're filming in the middle of the night, but still. Everything in Vegas is open 24 hours, and so there are probably people who want to be in whatever place you're trying to shoot your video 24 hours a day too.
So given what we've seen in this video, am I going to be cavorting with dancers, wearing crazy suits, making it rain? Umm, no, pretty much the opposite. I'm stoked to see my friends, but as I've said in previous weeks, weddings are awful, kids. Trust me on this one.
P.S.: I totally realize that the biggest event in metal this week has been the untimely death of Jani Lane. But I have had these wedding-related posts planned out forever, so I'm sorry, but I have to go through with it. Post-wed, it's Jani tribute time all the way.
THE VIDEO Scorpions, "Big City Nights," World Wide Live, 1985, Mercury
SAMPLE LYRIC "Big city! / Big city nights! / you keep me run-nin!"
THE VERDICT Last year I made a concerted effort to do summertime videos, and back then I included this one from the Scorpions 'cause it's amazingly cheesy and less well-known. But thinking today about what would be a good summertime video, this Scorps classic of course came to me right away.
I mean for sure, "Big City Nights" is a great song. Even more than other Scorpions tunes for me, it's chock full of great almost-nonsense lyrics that are nonetheless very evocative. I'd say that "a long sweet minute" is one of my favorite expressions in all of heavy metal, and who knows what they're even talking about! Nonetheless, I would totally name my hypothetical memoir that.
I also appreciate that it's cool to hear a "touring is rad" song for a change, instead of the constant "touring is sooo hard, you guys" whine-fests we usually get. We know, we know, new city, same faces, riding around on the bus, pretending you miss some girlfriend/wife back home while you defile groupies. We get it.
"Big City Nights" actually makes it seem like touring is pretty cool.
As does this video, made for their World Wide Live album/home video. It's shot a little bit all over the place, but mostly in Southern California. Two Los Angeles dates, a Costa Mesa date, and one at the San Diego Sports Arena! (All in April 1984.)
The behind-the-scenes stuff though appears to have been shot all over the place — you clearly see the Scorps on several different continents, and weirdly the only shots where you can definitely tell where they are in the U.S. are in Illinois (at the Rosemont Horizon).
You know the performance shots in this video have a lot from the Cali segments though, since at the end Klaus Meine thanks California and says California keeps them "run-in-in-in-in-in-in." This makes me assume the beach scenes are in California, even if the skimpiness of the bathing suits and the level of tanning in these scenes makes me think Brazil. Then again, it was the 80s. These were the years of baby oil, not sunblock.
In general, I feel like the "Big City Nights" video is most memorable for being full of amazing 80s babes. I like that (also as per live video cliche) they cut together the footage of random women with random shots of the Scorpions playing live so it appears that, e.g., Matthias Jabs is reacting with a lecherous grin to a woman winking at the camera in a totally different place.
In addition to the beach babes (did they even know they'd wind up in a Scorpions video?), we also get to see the chicks who appear to be in the Scorpions' entourage. In particular there's this one woman who looks like a very 80s, very tarted up Sandra Bullock who shows up in all the WWL vids. She appears to be Herman Rarebell's girlfriend, and pops up as the sexy pool player in this one. I like though the woman in the background, reading House & Garden magazine while dressed like a dominatrix.
Though I feel like the bikini footage is kind of the most notable element of this clip, "Big City Nights" still does have tour video cliches. Think: the view through the front window of bus, autograph signings, arena shots, sweaty fans, over-enthusiastic women making their way onto the stage, the band making their way to the stage, roadies testing equipment, hanging out backstage wearing towels, male fans who look like their passion in singing along is about to make them explode. I mean that guy toward the end is really excited to be singing along with this song.
And babes and other cliches aside, the thing we see the most is lots of shots of the Scorpions goofing around — they always seem like fun and friendly guys in their videos, who've got a good sense of humor about themselves.
They're all constantly horsing around though, whether they're waiting around a hotel lobby or boarding a plane. I mean you can't get a camera near Rudy Schenker without him making a silly face. Weirdly we see Klaus Meine kind of the least in this footage, but he's always up to something, usually dancing. In one shot he's dancing with a flamenco dancer, in another, with a belly dancer.
And then of course, there is the actual live footage of the band. I like the WWL stage set — it looks like a giant stereo from the 80s. Like think of the stereo that gets destroyed in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. It's sort of a lot of horizontal black stuff, but then the glowing colors — shading from red to yellow to green — look like equalizer bars.
You don't really see stereos looking like that any more do you? Hell, these days everything is just like, a big speaker with an iPod dock stuck on the top of it. I wonder if bands these days do stage sets that look like that (I mean hell, you know I don't know the answer to that one).
THE VIDEO Helix, "Heavy Metal Love," No Rest for the Wicked, 1983, EMI
SAMPLE LYRIC "Heavy metal luh-uve / she's my heavy metal luh-uve" [Just say whatever you want, then say this next]
THE VERDICT If you get the title of this post right away, you rule. If you don't, allow me to explain the connection.
The brawny blond in this video is none other than Sandahl Bergman, the female lead in the 1988 "Rowdy" Roddy Piper vehicle Hell Comes to Frogtown. If you haven't seen this movie, you must. True, it was Piper who led me to watch it, but Bergman's intriguing looks — sort of like a poor man's Angela from Who's the Boss? — and astonishing dance moves really steal the show.
Also stealing the show: Frog makeup, trying to figure out where in California the movie was shot, the very homemade costumes, and the fact that Roddy Piper's mission is to impregnate a bunch of women in brightly-colored negligees in order to help the human species repopulate (now that's a Hot Rod!). Do we get a lot of close-ups of his crotch encased in a weird metal unit? Why yes, we do. Many times, in fact.
Seriously, if you like bad sci-fi, or even if you just like heavy metal videos that look like bad sci-fi, this is a movie for you. There's not any metal, but there's lots of homemade props, post-apocalyptic landscapes, and yes, brief nudity.
Anywayyy, attempting to research the folks in Hell Comes to Frogtown led me to Bergman, which led me to this particular Helix video. I can't figure out what's going on in this one, but honestly, try to figure out what's going on in any of them.
"Heavy Metal Love" definitely isn't helped by the unbelievably poor lighting. Many metal videos are badly lit, but this one is badly lit even by metal video standards. This video predates the era of spotlight overload, but most of the light here appears to be coming from a lit-up Helix logo. There's so much fog going on it almost feels like the camera that shot this has glaucoma.
Helix appear to be playing in a vacant lot with like, apartment buildings being built on either side of it (this is my best guess). Something about it being low-budget, or maybe Canadian, or vaguely sci-fi is really giving me a serious Mystery Science Theater 3000 vibe (I know, something I often get). I'm thinking here of one in particular that's not coming to me, but something like Warrior of the Lost World or City Limits.
Most of this video is Helix just playing the song, not even really moving around, shot from just one camera (if that's not a signal of a low budget, I don't know what is).
But we also see a very muscular and oily Ms. Bergman standing in a poorly lit area, flexing and like, bending things. Let's just say it's no dance of the three snakes, but it'll have to do.
Actually, it's kind of like the "Manhunt" dance from Flashdance in costume, attitude, and execution. She's got all these chains and tools and stuff in there with her, but thanks to all the fog and the dim lighting I can't really tell what she's doing with it.
Oh my gosh. Okay. Apparently, she is building a dude in there. I'm not kidding. It looks like a golem (as opposed to Gollum — I've neither read nor seen any Lord of the Rings, but I still feel like this is an important clarification to make). I mean it's like a giant gray dude who looks like he's made of metal or clay or something, breathing out steam like a freakin' dragon.
So let me get this straight: This ripped, oily, mulleted woman, who is bending metal rods in a chain-filled foggy room is so uninterested in Helix that she decides to just DIY it? Weird.
I mean the song is all "she's my heavy metal love," implying Bergman is said love, but it looks like she's built herself her own love. Out of heavy metals. Literally.
The end of this video features much jumping around by lead singer Brian Vollmer, who to this point had been constrained by just having to stand around and make crazy faces at the camera. He's no Diamond Dave, but what can you do.
The video then ends, having totally not resolved what's going on with Bergman and the metal guy, with the weird goggled dude from the beginning and that lit-up Helix sign again. He reminds me of Randee of the Redwoods, who coincidentally back in the day I thought wasDavid Lee Roth (what can I say, I was a little kid!).
P.S.: I know, this post is so short, and I actually have a backlog of requests right now, but I am uncharacteristically working last-minute rather than weeks in advance, and decided it was smarter to do what I can than to (gasp!) miss a week. I promise to be back on top of blogging soon!
P.P.S. from 2020: This video isn't on YouTube, so this awkwardly framed Vimeo is gonna have to cut it.
THE VIDEO Great White, "Lady Red Light," Once Bitten..., 1987, Capitol
SAMPLE LYRIC "Lady Red Light, rock me to-nigh-ight / baby's got a way-ay, to make me feel right / Lady Red Light, rock me to-nigh-ight / she really knows how to moo-oove meeeee!"
THE VERDICT Oh, Great White. Of course, of course, of course you would write a song about the joys of hookers. I know that talking heads in any Vh-1 metal special-type thing will always talk about how Jack Russell got an inexplicable amount of ass for looking the way he does, but looking the way he does, I've got to imagine at least some amount of that ass was bought and paid for.
Speculation about Jack's sexual proclivities aside, I have been thinking about Great White lately because I recently added a Great White t-shirt to my heavy metal t-shirt collection. Yes, I finally have gotten over the "Mista Bone" t-shirt that I turned down at (ironically enough) Red Light in Seattle like three years ago now and am proud owner of a 1987 "O-fish-al" tour tee.
Will I actually wear it? Maybe. I don't think metal is enough on the radar screens of the people I'm generally around that they'll be like "oh my goodness, how are you supporting a band that killed all those people." (Which is not my goal, that was a horrific fire.) I'm rounding out my collection, a lot of which stays more or less on ice anyway. Depends on the value and condition of the shirt. (Though I'm wearing my Iron Maiden 1987 "Somewhere On Tour" shirt just to type this post, so it's not like I save them all for special occasions!)
Anyway, the "Lady Red Light" video. What goes on here? Well, it's basically your standard model Great White video. Though there is some variation in their video catalogue, Great White's default is as follows. One, the band standing in a huge, empty stage area that is lit by overhead spotlights. Two, a woman with straight blonde hair and bangs doing sexy things nowhere in the vicinity of the band. Three, repeat ad infinitum.
The spotlights in this video are out of control, I guess 'cause it's a (slightly) faster song. It gives things almost a strobe-lit effect. Lorne Black tosses his hair furiously in front of a stack of amps, Mark Kendall makes constant guitar face, Michael Lardie as always looks a little awkward or nervous to be playing the keyboards. You have to own it bro, you have to own it. Even during the keyboard solo, he looks half asleep.
Jack Russell is glowering up from under his pouffy bangs in like every shot. He also seems to have a fan on him. Oh, not like a music fan or anything — I mean like something is blowing his hair around the whole time. Per always, he's wearing like 800 pounds of turquoise jewelry.
I should also give a special shout-out to Mark Kendall's guitar. I'm usually not a big fan of novelty guitars, but this one is just adorable. Can't help it. The body of the guitar is shaped like a slightly cartoonish great white shark, and then the neck is a leg clad in board shorts and a high-top sneaker. It's a shark eating a surfer! Okay, a surfer who's inexplicable wearing shoes. But still, it's a cute guitar, and I like that it's like themed to the band's name.
I digress. As I was saying, this video features spotlights, Great White, and a blonde girl with bangs doing sexy stuff. What exactly does she do? Well, she stays the hell away from Jack Russell and company, that's for sure. We mostly see her posing near one of the most literal props in the history of heavy metal videos — various red lightbulbs. I'm not kidding.
She starts off in the preferred outfit of all Great White girls — miniskirt, black semi-sheer stockings, and black leather jacket. We then see her in an 80s-girl-next-door outfit — white tee, Keds, and artfully ripped jeans. Of course, the fact that she's lasciviously arraying herself on a motorcycle makes her more of an 80s working-girl-next-door, but that's the point of the song, right?
The shots of her eating an ice cream cone are some of my favorites. They're just so Great White — it's like they said to themselves, "How can we make this whole girl-next-door thing sleazier?" Ah yes, close-ups of her mouth sensuously licking what looks to me like black raspberry ice cream.
Then since that apparently wasn't sleazy enough, the camera pulls back and she makes eye contact with the viewer while continuing to go at it. Great White, you guys are too much.
We also get her in a very girlish nightgown on a brown leather club couch — okay Great White, this one is a little too inappropriate in what it suggests.
The weirdest one for me is when she's wearing an oversize white button-down and heels, lounging in a sort of big wooden chair that's next to... I don't even know what those things are. They look like giant sacks of potatoes. The girl looks really uncomfortable trying to pose all sexy in the obviously uncomfortable chair.
She also does sort of a dominatrix look — black bustier, little black biker hat, fingerless gloves, and sheer stockings attached to a garter belt.
Some shots they don't even bother really inventing just for this video. We've already seen a blonde girl with bangs lounging in a bed with satin sheets in "Save Your Love".
They'll basically use the same convention again for the ...Twice Shy album cover. And so yes, they use it here, too — a round red bed with satin-y sheets (which was obviously the inspiration for the album cover, which came after).
Side note: If I had to guess, I would also say it's the same girl in both of these videos, though I don't know that for a fact, and I don't know her name. I'm less sure though that it's the same girl as from the Once Bitten... album cover, though I've often assumed that she's the girl who's in "Rock Me." We'll have to wait 'til I get to that video though for a full investigation.
Anyway. Did Great White save some dough by making pretty much the exact same video three times in a row? We're going to have to hope that yes, that's their excuse for this. Then again, many of their other videos also display their fondness for blondes with bangs, so who knows.
THE VIDEO Crimson Glory, "Lonely," Transcendence, 1988, Roadracer/MCA
SAMPLE LYRIC "She can't wait another night / take another day / she doesn't want to be / lonely in looooooove / lone-ly in looooooooove"
THE VERDICT I should love this song, but I just can't get past the goofy metal Phantom of the Opera masks. I am pretty sure I have turned down Crimson Glory merchandise in the past — they're one of those bands like the BulletBoys or House of Lords where deadstock is very available, but for a reason.
I get that it's sort of progressive metal, but IDK — given how accessible this song is, sonically and lyrically, they probably should've just dropped the masks.
Crimson Glory sort of feel like Grim Reaper put on masks and tried to make a stealth comeback. Okay not really, it's just that both bands have made the bold move of going with pudgy-faced, unattractive frontmen with super-pouffy hair. And in this case, one who calls himself simply "Midnight" (RIP).
Still, this isn't a bad song, and it's interesting because it's a very power ballad-y topic — a sad woman who feels lonely, heartbroken over a man she should have never been involved with in the first place — but they've made it into a much more rocking song.
Usually rocking songs written from a woman's perspective are less sympathetic to the woman — sort of bad choices/good girl gone bad stuff ("Fallen Angel"), exploring the woman's secret sexy side ("Thrills in the Night"), or, of course, implying the woman is actually a homicidal killer who victimizes men ("Midnite Maniac").
So long story short, it's not a bad song. Unfortunately, this ridiculous video — like those ridiculous masks — doesn't do them any favors.
The video alternates between footage of a blonde woman, mostly alone in a bed, and the band performing the song. The band members are each playing atop their own cube, each of which is bathing their crotches in blue light. Humongous amounts of dry ice fog drift through the room, and I would be remiss if I didn't mention the red laser lights up above. In all, the room looks like your standard-issue cheap laser tag place.
Laser tag aside though, for me this video is oddly Vixen-esque. The band walking out at the beginning silhouetted in fog reminds me of "Edge of a Broken Heart," and singing a rockin' number from a realistic woman's perspective while standing on platforms reminds me of "Cryin'". (It's the addition of the song that makes the latter Vixen-like, since lots of bands sing on top of platforms — think Dio's "I Could Have Been a Dreamer" and W.A.S.P.'s "I Wanna Be Somebody".)
Huge, ghost pirates-like amounts of dry ice fog provide all the transitions in this video, by blurring out the screen and allowing for a smooth switch to the next thing that's happening. We see the woman walking around through dry ice fog in a white lace bodystocking, with the guitarist superimposed over her. The lead singer, Midnight, regularly disappears and reappears in banks of dry ice fog.
I like that it looks like they couldn't get the woman anywhere near the band. We mostly see her sort of rolling on her back in an all-white bed, looking concerned. It feels like it might be an ad for one of those depression medications or birth control pills that they're trying to expand into covering PMS, or for a feminine hygiene product. From the expression on her face, it appears she may be experiencing a 'not so fresh' feeling. And given the band's name... okay, let's just stop right there.
Also the room she's in is completely white, and it's tiny — for some reason, the bed is in the middle of the room, and it looks like there's only one to two feet between it and the wall on each side. Based on these dimensions, we can guess this is an apartment in Manhattan.
Well, more seriously, based on the budget of this video, we can guess this is (best case scenario) a fake apartment set they made just for this video, or (worst case scenario) a fake apartment set they made in the bassist's mom's basement.
The other way we see the woman is, as mentioned above, walking through the fog in a lace bodystocking. Is it the same gal? I'm assuming it is, even though the woman in the bed has very fine, straight blonde hair, and the woman walking around has a teased mane of it. (Hair products were strong in the 80s!)
While the walking woman looks a bit different from the laying-down woman, I'm assuming they couldn't afford two models to be in the video. I would say also that having two women doesn't really makes sense, but given how little anything in this video makes sense, that probably wasn't a consideration.
They do a quick meet-the-band sequence at the end of the video, but come on — they're all wearing black leather and those goofy masks! It's beyond impossible to tell who's who, especially without the instruments (which in the case of the two guitarists, still don't help).
I mean yeah, each guy is taking his mask off for the camera, but given that they are semi-opaque and super-imposed over footage of them walking toward the camera, it's impossible to really tell what's going on. In any event, it doesn't really matter, as they finish walking past the camera and we're left with just dry ice fog and laser lights.
P.S.: Sorry the quality of the images on this post aren't up to my usual standards — good copies of some of these more obscure videos are really hard to come by!
P.P.S.: Re: the title, come on people! Alice Cooper, anyone?
THE VIDEO Whitesnake, "Here I Go Again," Whitesnake, 1987, Geffen
SAMPLE LYRIC "And here I go again on my oh-ow-own / goin' down the only road I've ever kno-own! / like a drifter I was baw-owrn to walk a-loh-oh-one"
THE VERDICT Thought I was gonna do something all romantic for Valentine's Day, did you? Nah. I'm saving all that stuff for March, when yes, for the second year in a row I am going to be doing a whole month of nothing but power ballads. Given that we have all that syrupy sweet stuff coming down the pike, I didn't feel too compelled to go in that direction this week.
Besides, haven't you had enough pink and hearts and angels and looove and whatnot crammed down your throat?
Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again" video is kind of an antidote for that stuff. I mean yeah, as per always, David Coverdale is full-on open-mouth-kissing Tawny Kitaen all over this video. Seriously, it's like a mama bird feeding a baby bird. Gee-ross.
But really, "Here I Go Again" isn't a relationship song in that way at all. It's a breakup song, or more specifically, a divorce song. David Coverdale wrote it when he realized his previous marriage had reached the point of no return. Hence, "here I go again on my own." It's a pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on song.
Also though, I had to do it because this is really a classic 80s metal video. Even though Whitesnake aren't, you know, that metal per se, Tawny Kitaen doing a front walkover on those Jaguars is really part of the metal canon. I mean think about it — this video has basically everything people thought was sexy in the 80s:
Lots of keyboards: Most Whitesnake songs aren't especially keyboard heavy, but this one's got more memorable keyboard fills than guitar solos. And think about it — the 80s were the decade of the keyboard. Between synthesizers and keytars, it was like every genre of music at least briefly embraced some kind of digital love.
Okay not thrash metal, but most other stuff.
This video really foregrounds the keyboards, too. The whole first verse, until it really starts rocking, we keep seeing Adrian Vandenberg, John Sykes, and dude honestly, I'm not even sure who else (they're backlit and like half a dozen people contributed bass and keyboard work to this album) each with his own giant keyboard.
Adrian and one other guy are also holding guitars, which amuses me. But yeah, the beginning of this song, and how it's visualized, feels like a sort of weird keyboard church thing.
Tawny Kitaen: This is the kind of gal America loved in the 80s. Think about it — great smile, tons of hair, long legs, plus it's the pre-implants era. Physically, Tawny's got a lot in common with other paragons of 80s beauty like Christie Brinkley or Tiffani Amber Thiessen Kelly Kapowski.
She also sports some seriously 80s fashions in this video. The sheer white shirt thing over a thong-leotard is some hardcore 80s weirdness. It's like she's having some kind of "Calgon, take me away" moment there on the Jags. But also the shimmery green dress she wears in the car just screams Dynasty to me — so again, super 80s.
Apparently some other gal was the original cohost, but I only remember Tawny doing it. Post-Coverdale, it was where she went again on her own. Who knew that the idiocy of the Jackalope was the only road she'd ever known.
Expensive cars: The pair of Jaguars that Tawny plays on are really an iconic piece of this video, and of the time. Imagine the whole "yes I'll take one in black, and one in white, and then I'll let my girlfriend cartwheel around on them" transaction — very smooth, very 80s.
Miami Vice-style mens' suits: In discussing the wardrobe in this video, let us not forget to mention the incredible Miami Vice-esque unstructured suit that David Coverdale is wearing in the car. His jacket is deep teal! It would totally look good on Tubbs.
You know a couple of years back a friend of mine unearthed some deadstock jackets just like that that were actually from the Miami Vice collection (apparently they sold branded apparel), but they were a little expensive so I turned them down. Bad decision, I would be totally stoked if I had one of those now.
Long story short though, this was the look of the 80s, at least for yup-wardly mobile men. Just the other day I read an article where Duran Duran claimed that they started this look and then Miami Vice picked it up, but come on, who are they kidding. In any event, with his turquoise soft blazer and skinny black tie, David Coverdale is totally rocking the soft suit.
Debauchery: I know, I know. This is hardly unique to the 80s. But I put this here for one reason, and one reason alone. Um, in case you hadn't guessed where this was going, a NSFW reason. Four words: Tawny Kitaen nip slip.
Now like a zillion times I had heard David Coverdale claim that in this video, there's a part where one of her breasts just pops on out, but I'd never believed it. He always uses it as a like "we were so wild in those days" anecdote.
Having now gone through the video in my typical fine-toothed-comb manner (more or less frame by frame), I can say for myself: Um, it's there. Everyone I've shown it to has confirmed that yeah, we've got boobage.
In the actual video, it goes by way too fast for you to notice. But slow it down and yeah, that just happened.
And I'm not talking like, in an uncensored, never-shown-on-TV version. I mean like on MTV, on Vh-1, and most definitely on the official Whitesnake YouTube channel. This is not an urban legend, it's real.
It really surprised me that it isn't already all over the internet. I mean, isn't this the kind of thing the internet lives for? Then again, I imagine it's probably not like, super hard to see just about anyone topless or whatever these days.
Still, it kind of amazed me — for all the purported debauchery people always complained about in heavy metal videos, this was the first time ever that I was like, dang, they were a little bit right! (Er, well, actually, it's the left one.)
Long story short, between the fast times, the sexy times, and all the keyboards, the "Here I Go Again" video more or less encapsulates the 80s. Or at least, one version of the 80s. A white dude, fast cars and fast women, keyboard-scored version.
THE VIDEO Femme Fatale, "Waiting for the Big One," Femme Fatale, 1988, MCA
SAMPLE LYRIC "I'm waiting for the big one / not just anyone / I'm waiting for the big one / it's gotta be a big one"
THE VERDICT Can you believe it's already the last post of 2010? I can't, that's for sure. Anyway, rather than trying to do some kind of climactic New Year's post, I decided to go with something a lot less, well, special.
Why? Well, one, because I didn't want to bust out of December's forgotten videos theme. But two, because what is New Year's Eve and the beginning of a new year if not anticlimactic at best, and totally depressing at worst? Exactly.
So this week it's another forgotten clip from the deepest, darkest recesses of the vault.
I briefly mentioned Femme Fatale in a post a little while back, and I noticed that doing that appears to have made me dangerously close to being the source for Femme Fatale information on the internet. So I figured, why not go all in? And while I'm at it, why not pick the less well-known of their two already not-very-well-known songs?
"Waiting for the Big One" is sort of like the "Hot Stuff" of metal. Ooh, or like that "Manhunt" song from Flashdance! I wish Femme Fatale whoever wrote their songs had been more gifted with metaphor. This song is already absurdly un-subtle, but in the right hands this could have become the heterosexual woman version of Spinal Tap's "Big Bottom." I mean the whole song is about "looking for a big one." But it doesn't feel like we mean the one. We don't need Mr. Right. We are seeking Mr. Well-Endowed.
What this track lacks in lyrical specificity though is made up for by this video. It's basically the same video as "Falling In and Out of Love," just with slightly different spotlights and some new costumes. Camera spinning around, band wildly pantomiming, colored lights turning on and off — check, check, and check.
Most of the action here comes from Lorraine Lewis' different outfits. She keeps changing. We've got a sort of striped minidress thing that appears to be made of multiple different pieces that are somehow strapped together. That 80s favorite combo of cropped bustier, high-waisted cutoff jeans, boots, and jacket. My fave, a very Tawny Kitaen-esque white minidress with a black sash. At one point she appears to have on high-waisted spandex bike shorts with what looks like a black coconut bra — very Bobby Brown back-up dancer.
In case the outfits and the lyrics haven't done enough to make this video every young hetero male metalhead's wet dream, let's talk about how Lorraine interprets the song. She starts out fairly upright — jumping around the guitarist and bassist. Quickly though, this becomes too much for her. She winds up sitting on the stage, wiggling around on her butt. She kneels down in the minidress, alternating putting her hands between her legs or over her chest to cover herself — it's not very much fabric to work with.
Soon even that's too much though — yup, she's crawling around face-down on the stage.
I would say it's at that point that I feel I can comfortably say to myself Lorraine, you will never be taken seriously as a musician. You are acting like an extra in "Girls, Girls, Girls."
But truly, the crescendo comes at the end of the video, when unsatisfied with their ability to thus far convey the song's meaning, Lorraine crawls underneath the different guitarists and sings between their legs. She sings between a man's legs.
Is that not enough for you? Still? Really? Well, it wasn't enough for Femme Fatale either. Because Lorraine is now smiling at his crotch and pointing to it with her thumb. For real, people, I can't make this stuff up. It's the kind of thing where I want to be charitable and be like "well they were just joking around with that stuff," but realistically I'm like nope. I guess that's The Big One. Ew, ew, ew.
They should have had Steve Vai be the guitarist for this band. What?! Ew, no! I don't know anything about him in that way. I just mean because his constant guitar-humping and tongue-wagging seems like the perfect counterpoint to Lorraine Lewis' unquenchable lust for the stage.
It makes you realize in retrospect how hard a band like Vixen was working to be taken seriously — say what you will about those ladies, but they stayed upright in their videos.
I mean, every single other thing on the internet that you can read about Femme Fatale is the sort of usual — great look, bad timing, one hit had decent exposure, blablabla. And of course everything is like "Oh Lorraine Lewis is really quite talented, blablabla."
But I dunno, listening to this song I have to say to myself, really? I mean sure, put 'em in the soundtrack to Don't Tell Mom the Baby-sitter's Dead. But otherwise I mean really, Femme Fatale. Really. I just don't think it was in the cards.
Oh man, now I feel like I'm ending the year on a down note! Really, I should be ending it on an up-note — I just made it through 52 solid weeks of heavy metal blogging. That should count for something, right?
I mean, it's not like every week is going to be "Looks That Kill." Some weeks are going to be "Waiting for the Big One." And you know what, I'm kind of okay with that. We take the good, we take the bad, we take the thrash, we take the glam — we explore every part of 80s metal! And we're going to keep rocking in 2011!
THE VIDEO Fiona featuring Kip Winger, "Everything You Do (You're Sexing Me)", Heart Like a Gun, 1988, Atlantic
SAMPLE LYRIC "Oooooooooh you're sexin' me-eeeeeeeee / everything you do just turns me on / oooooooooh you're sexin' me-eeeeeeeeeeee / bay-bay-bay-bay-bay-bay come onnnnnnnn"
THE VERDICT Anyone else remember this amazing trainwreck of a video? Seriously people, it's the holidays, and this power ballad-ish duet is the gift that keeps on giving. You think it can't get more ridiculous, and it does. Oh, it does.
Now if you aren't familiar with this one, you might be asking yourself, "Who the (bleep) is Fiona?" Excellent question. Fiona is sort of like the Tiffany of heavy metal. If we're going to be generous, we might even call her the Debbie Gibson of metal, since if I'm remembering right she had some kind of classical background and wrote a surprising amount of her own songs.
Young, hyped, likely to be found signing autographs in malls. A big difference though is that though Fionalooks pretty underage in this video, she's actually almost 30. Well, what do you know? She's just kind of a tiny lady.
Anyway, if you were to know Fiona from anything non-musical it would likely be her star-turn opposite Bob Dylan (!?!) in 1987's Hearts of Fire. But if you're like me (and since you're reading this we will assume you are), that pales enormously in comparison to her star-turn as a murderous teen prostitute on Miami Vice.
Now I could go into a lengthy rant about how much Miami Vice rules, but instead I will limit myself to just discussing the episode featuring Fiona: Season 2's "Little Miss Dangerous". Though I am generally a fan of the episodes about prostitution — not because I endorse sex work, but because it's the 80s so these have particularly awesome costumes — this is actually one of my least favorite episodes because it is freakin' terrifying.
To her credit, Fiona is creepy as hell as a young hooker who murders her johns as retribution for a lifetime of abuse. I made it just partway into this episode before it became a turn-on-all-the-lights-in-the-house type of affair.
It wasn't much longer before I was screaming at the TV trying to save Tubbs. Fiona, if you must kill again, take Crockett! And omg, stop making those freaky-ass crayon drawings. Dang those things gave me nightmares.
Anyway, one of the many reasons Miami Vice is amazing is the endless onslaught of cameos (just season two also features Gene Simmons and Ted Nugent — the Nuge also performs Fiona's episode's eponymous song). It's not entirely unsurprising that Fiona turned up, since they appear to have a minimum of one ingenue per episode.
But okay, what of her performance in this video? Spoiler alert: Nothing really happens in this video. It's pretty much just Fiona and Winger in an empty warehouse/loft-type space, singing straight into each other's faces.
This is often amusing, as they look ridiculously alike — even without the lighting washing them out, it's usually like okay, well she's shorter and has longer hair.
But for reals, I think they share not just the same hairstylist, but also the same clothing stylist.
Here are the outfits featured in this video: 1) Blousy colorful shirt with ruffled collar, paired with leather pants that lace up the sides. 2) Low-cut graphic shirt, black leather jacket, and leather pants that lace up the crotch. 3) Sheer black halter dress. 4) Cropped leather vest, black shirt, and leather pants. Okay, class — three of these outfits are worn by Fiona. Which of these does Kip Winger wear?
All Kip and Fiona have in there to entertain themselves with is a modern-looking white couch and each other. While Fiona spends some time posing on the couch, she spends most of her time posing on Kip Winger. Kip flashes his astonishingly white teeth while Fiona tilts her neck back for some vampire-style action. (I like that when you Google "Kip Winger", one of the related searches it suggests is "Kip Winger teeth".) Kip tosses his hair around while Fiona crouches down in front of him. Fiona tosses her hair around while Kip crouches down in front of her.
Somehow, we are meant to believe that by screaming the lyrics to this sludge-fest into each other's faces, sexual tension is being built up between Fiona and Kip. Ummm, no. There are a few near misses, and at one point he appears to have fully stuck his face into her chest, but don't get excited — there's no sexing here. Unless you're into the David Coverdale/Tawny Kitaen-type stuff where he looks like he's choking her. In that case, ew, you pervert.
Possibly it's that, but more likely it's the choice of words that make this for me one of the un-sexiest songs in the history of metal. "You're sexing me"? Seriously? Hearing "sex" as a verb just makes me think of biology. And not like, reproductive type stuff.
More just like how usually when you hear "sex" as a verb, they are talking about the practice of determining whether an animal is male or female. E.g., "birds are difficult to sex." "It takes a practiced eye to accurately sex the crawfish." Next thing you know, it's "oooh, you're dissectin' mee-eeee"!
Seriously though, even my sometime-nemeses over at allmusic kind of have my back on this one: "Like anything with intensity, it's tempting to laugh; when Fiona and Kip Winger moan, 'you're sexing me,' at each other, someone with farm experience could imagine them sedately side by side, determining the maleness or femaleness of newly hatched chicks." For real! I could imagine an alternate version of this video with just pictures of like, crabs and lizards and turkeys and stuff.
I think the most amazing part of this video is at the end, when there's just a smidgen of plot. A blonde woman comes up to Kip and Fiona's empty warehouse in an industrial elevator, and sort of signals to them. Then Winger and Fiona ride down in the elevator, and go outside where a long-haired man greets them. We're meant to understand that this is Fiona's real man, just as the blonde is Winger's actual girlfriend. As the two couples split apart, Fiona (now wearing a goofy hat) looks back at Kip all wistfully. Ew.
Also uhh, okay. This still doesn't explain WTF Fiona and Winger were doing up in that warehouse. What, they just get together to like arrange themselves against columns in dramatic lighting, and yell in each other's faces, and almost kiss, like, on the regular?
There's no implication in this video that a video is being filmed — we're meant to believe Kip's girlfriend is just like, "Oh, hey honey, did you have a nice time telling Fiona she was sexing you and having her rub her hands all over your stubble again today?" So bizarre.
Kip has claimed no sexing ever actually occurred, and based on the astonishing lack of sexual tension I'm going to believe him. I know, I know — both Winger and Fiona are making furious porno faces through this entire video.
But come on, watch any Winger video. Kip makes those faces at the camera. He makes those faces at all the women who are meant to be his love interest. Hell, he makes those faces at Reb Beach. Quite frankly, I think this is just sort of the natural range of Kip's facial expressions.
Long story short, if you're looking for sexy, this video is more like a cold shower than a hot bubble bath. And if you want a great metal duet, just listen to "Close My Eyes Forever."
But if you want to revel in awkward sexuality, Kip Winger's whiter-than-white smile, and Fiona's amorousness toward a whiter-than-white couch, by all means, watch this video!
I may have called Fiona the Robin Sparkles of metal, but this song is really the "I Wanna Sex You Up" of metal. I know, I know, this predates Color Me Badd by a couple of years. But seriously, couldn't we have just left this kind of drecch for groups like, well, Color Me Badd?
THE VIDEO Tesla, "Need Your Lovin'", Bust a Nut, 1994, Geffen
SAMPLE LYRIC "Ooh, I need your lovin' / without you baby, love don't mean nothin' / ooooh I need you lovin' / 'sgot to be your lovin' or nothin'!"
THE VERDICT This clip was recommended to me by a faithful reader (they exist!) and let me say, what a recommendation. As he mentioned, I don't think MTV ever bothered to air this one, though this kind of tongue-in-cheek stuff is totally the bread and butter of Vh1 Classic.
Why wouldn't MTV have liked this? (I mean besides because they were too busy playing "The Sign" and crap from the Reality Bites soundtrack.)
Well because Tesla — who we all know are a real "were they ever really metal or did they just get painted with that brush because of the long hair" kind of band — are doing it up right here with a send-up of all the cliches of heavy metal videos.
Yes, you heard me right. It's a meta-video. (Cut to me salivating a la Homer Simpson over doughnuts — actually this is more or less how I react to doughnuts myself, but anyway.)
Anyway, the whole video is Tesla demonstrating — with snarky labels — all of the stereotypical shots of heavy metal videos!
Let's play along, shall we? I'll take you through the highlights. By which I mean ALL OF IT. Prepare for a seriously lengthy post, people!
The Black and White with the Color Blue Left In Shot: Dude! I talk about this all the time! I would have to call this "The Kim Anderson Shot"— but remember, I don't mean the gal from the "Girlschool" video, I mean the woman who takes the weird black and white photos of toddlers in old-timey clothes and colors in just parts of them (e.g., coloring the roses pink).
The 80s Power Rock Shot: All they've done for this one is added a wall of Marshall amps behind them, but it gets the point across. The obvious referent here is actually to the reference to this cliche in This is Spinal Tap(though also think in "Bitch School" when Nigel Tufnel plays a guitar made to look like a Marshall amp in front of a gigantic Marshall amp).
But obviously, the reference has to have a referent, so let's think about something like the Vinnie Vincent Invasion's "Boyz Are Gonna Rock."
The Blown-Out Color Shot: Here we see Tesla with the contrast levels upped, so that colors appear distortedly bright and whites are eye-popping. Tesla are quick with this one, 'cause I think of it as not really coming into play until the '90s. It's also probably more popular in non-metal videos than in metal videos. Nonetheless, Faster Pussycat's cover of "You're So Vain"? L.A. Guns' "Ballad of Jayne"? For both of those, the entire video is shot in this style!
The GEE! How'd They Do THAT Shot: For this, we see Tesla superimposed upon a lightning-filled sky, but think of really anything absurd that happens in an 80s video involving "special" effects. Dokken standing in front of chains that explode in "Breaking the Chains" comes to mind, as does the evil future robot queen shooting lasers in Queensryche's "Queen of the Reich."
The TV Shot from a TV Shot: This sounds more complicated than it is — basically, it's filming a television, so the colors look all weird and there are those little lines across it. Guns N' Roses are the primary offenders in this category. They use this to great effect in "Welcome to the Jungle," but then in "Patience" they go all meta, with Axl watching Axl on TV watch Axl on TV.
The Performance in an Open Field for No Reason Shot: This is another visual cliche that I associate less with heavy metal videos and actually more with alternative videos (think the shots of the band in "Black Hole Sun" or "No Rain").
Still, metal videos are full of "what is the band doing there stuff."
For some reason, a couple of thrash examples come to mind. Sepultura's "Territory" video — WTF is the band doing in that mud pit? I mean I guess it looks cool, but I don't know, it's always seemed kind of awkward to me. The other example — even though it's a badass video — is Slayer's "Seasons in the Abyss." WTF are they doing at the pyramids! It never ceases to shock and amaze me that Slayer were given the budget to shoot a video in Egypt. Visually impressive? Yes. Necessary? Uhhh.
Thee Beauty Shot: This one cracks me up every time — I love the pretentious extra "e" on it. Ultra-close-ups of the hawt lead singer's face are again, pretty common to all videos, but come on! What heavy metal power ballad video doesn't offend in this department?
Think of "18 and Life" or "I Remember You" — Sebastian Bach looks freakin' candlelit. Or "I Saw Red" or "Heaven." Like half of what happens in those videos is Jani Lane singing soulfully to the camera from about 6 inches in front of it. Mike Tramp is the other obvious offender. "When the Children Cry" shows more close-ups of his baby face than it does of any actual babies!
Babes for No Reason Shot: Again, this is more or less every shot of many videos! But the way they show it here, which is just that there are porn-star-lookin' women pawing the band while they play, brings a couple of specific videos to mind. Danzig's "She Rides" for sure — the band seems fully oblivious to the women's presence, but it's the same idea.
The other types of videos that are really guilty of this are those that use the "hanging out watching the boys play" motif. Think Great White's "Once Bitten, Twice Shy," where Bobbie Brown and all her galpals sit around watching Jack White wheeze that one out.
Gratuitous Sex Shot: It's true, it's true! But this is what gets a lot of readers to this site, sorry to say. I would sum this shot up as "There Will Be Boobs." With the red halter top and the white background here, Tesla are definitely channeling Warrant's "Cherry Pie."
The Artsie Fartsie Shot: This is another one where if they're thinking just about metal videos, they're gunning for a specific one. With the luminous colors, weird lighting, and inexplicable wind blowing through Jeff Keith's hair, they're clearly calling out Queensryche's "Silent Lucidity."
The Fix the Damn Light Shot: Okay I relate to this one WAY too much! This is exactly what I was talking about last week with "Foreclosure of a Dream" — the darkness, then spotlights, then suddenly everything's so bright you can't see a darn thing is so overdone in metal videos!
It's kind of hard to think of videos that don't incorporate spotlights. Tesla takes this even further by setting this part of the video in exactly the kind of random, empty metal warehouse favored by this kind of video (viz. Saxon's "Ride Like the Wind").
Babe Struts Past Old-Timer: If the sight of Tesla rolling up to a rural gas station in a classic car doesn't make you laugh, this may not be the site for you. Seriously. This whole sequence is hilarious and amazing.
I think they are trying to call out Aerosmith's "Crazy" here (though the timing is a little tight), but plenty of metal videos exploit the men-looking-at-hot-women-in-hot-cars thing. "Blondes in Black Cars" and "Hot Love" come to mind right away. You also see a variant of this in Cinderella's "Coming Home," where it's a hot guy coming up to a rural gas station and being noticed by a woman working there. Tesla helpfully point out that this should be shot from a "low angle for largeness."
Sensuous Open Mouth Shot: This is yet another where it's like pretty much any video we can name that has women in it will fit. I also like that apparently Tesla spell "booty" with an ie. Don't worry, it's a shot of a woman's butt, not a baby's sock (bootie).
Boy Lust Shot: Continuing the sequence at the gas station, this might be the most amazing part of this video — Tesla calling out the inevitable shots of the men in the band gaping at the women in the video as if to be like, "It's okay viewer. We're feelin' it too." Bon Jovi's antics in "In and Out of Love" are a terrific example of this.
The Money Shot: Ew, no! It's just the hot gas station lady pouring a bucket of water on herself. But be real, Tesla didn't make this one up.
Who else gets water poured on them in heavy metal videos? One of the gals in Great White's "Stick It" pours a coffee pot full of water over herself. Bobbie Brown gets it with a firehose in "Cherry Pie." And literally every woman in KISS' "Who Wants to Be Lonely?" gets drenched in water.
I enjoy that Tesla clarify that this is money literally — "increased record sales." Not to mention my increased site hits from people who think they might find boobs here.
Spooky Skull and Snake Ritual Shot: I like this, 'cause it's more of a throwback to the older stuff. All the candelabras (not to mention the snake!) remind me of GNR's "Patience," though I think we're meant more to be reminded of early W.A.S.P. or Mötley Crüe.
It's a Hard Life on the Road Shot: I want to hug them for this one, which let's remember I identified as a cliche of power ballad videos back when I wrote about "Home Sweet Home." Tesla does this just right with the sequence of shots: Through the windshield looking at the road ahead, random shot of the driver, shots of the band on the bus.
The Classic Off the Tour Bus Shot: Ditto this one! Think the Scorpions' "I'm Leaving You" or Ratt's "Wanted Man" or W.A.S.P.'s "Blind in Texas" or any of the other ten zillion heavy metal videos that show the the band members disembarking from the tour bus one by one.
The Walking Down an Empty Road for No Reason Shot:"Heaven" and "Little Fighter" for sure! I feel like I wouldn't have necessarily come up with this one on my own, but it's a good one. I like it for the whole "act like you don't care thing."
It reminds me of the South Park where Cartman starts a Christian rock group and uses a similar thought process to art direct their album cover (can I mention if you haven't seen this episode that it also "features" Metallica).
A couple of these I identified with less. Cliches of music videos, sure. But cliches from metal videos? Not so much.
"The Performance Against White Background Shot" and the "Let's STRETCH the Artist Shot" are familiar, but not from metal videos.
And Tesla don't call themselves out on another shot that they use throughout this video — "The Black and White Behind-the-Scenes Shot."
Come on guys, you know this one! Everyone sitting around backstage, jamming on acoustic guitars and hamming it up with each other? Shooting it in black and white instead of color to emphasize that they band are just "regular guys" and totally down to earth. We might also call this "The You Could Have a Beer With Us Shot," and Tesla are totally guilty of abusing it in this video.
They're even upping the ante on it, 'cause this looks like it's one of the band member's rec room or something.
I mean sure, it's meant to contrast with the contrived nature of the other scenes in the video. Tesla play this up not only with all the different shots, but also by showing things like the makeup artist touching up the band, or a crew member using a light meter to check a shot.
The thing is though — it's too late! They've already pulled back the curtain! You can't just reveal every cliche of heavy metal videos and then act like "No, this really is just us in Tommy Skeoch's garage." We all know the garage stuff is every bit as fake as the other stuff.
I also want to mention that everyone in Tesla looks sort of... wet? I want to say wet, even though they aren't covered in water. But something about Tesla in the 90s looks like Tesla in the 80s after getting locked out of the house in a bad rainstorm.
Everyone looks very grumpy and has very flat hair. And Troy Luccketta doesn't have that badass mullet anymore! He's traded it in for a goatee look that's much more run of the mill. Also Jeff Keith appears to have lost weight, if that's even humanly possible. He looks like an even-skinnier Carly Simon.
Despite the '90s not appearing to treat Tesla well, this is a great video. I mean one, it's a genius concept, and much more well-executed than most other parody videos. It helps give a little something extra to the song, which while serviceable doesn't stand out among Tesla songs of this ilk.
But two, this video has been so good to me! I mean it's like a video that keeps on giving, in that every moment in it reminds me of like, ten other videos. It's a free-association bonanza! And if it's not clear, if there's one thing I love (besides metal) it's free-associating. And free-associating about metal? Come on, does it get better than that?
THE VIDEO Helix, "Gimme Gimme Good Lovin'", Walkin' the Razor's Edge, 1984, Capitol
SAMPLE LYRIC "Gimme gimme good lovin' / ev-er-y ni-ight / gimme gimme good lovin' / ev-er-y ni-ight (ev'ry ni-ight)"
THE VERDICT Since I used their distinctive "H" in my new logo, I thought it was only fair that this week we turn our attention to the dulcet sounds of Helix. I was about to do "Heavy Metal Love" (mainly because I wanted to talk about Hell Comes to Frogtown), but once I remembered this utter WTF-fest of a video, I couldn't resist. I even had to add "beauty pageant" as a tag because of it.
This video takes the conceit of "Hot for Teacher," subtracts the kids and multiplies it by the leotards and underage girls of "Body Talk," then adds the comedic framing of an early Twisted Sister video to come out with a result that is completely ridiculous. And I mean even for Helix, a band that was extremely susceptible to ridiculous videos.
Helix are sort of like the Y&T of Canada: Like Y&T, they were around forever, worked really hard, and are considered underrated (though less so than Y&T). They've got a similar sound, which I'd characterize as New Wave Of North American Heavy Metal. Think of it as like the NWOBHM, except with way less of an emphasis on the macabre and fantastic, and way more on partying. Oh, and lots of chanting. Lots of chanting.
Also like Y&T, and importantly for my point here, being a bunch of not-good-looking guys, they are constantly placed in videos that either a) minimize their roles in the action, b) surround them with hot women who provide a visual distraction from them, c) are funny, making them the funny guys instead of just the un-hot guys, or d) do all three. This video does all three and then some.
The video begins with a couple of sportscasters having some witty banter that seems choppily edited, I'm assuming because something NSFW gets said. Turns out not only is this video ridiculous in its current state. It also has a completely over-the-top (and completely NSFW) unedited version that was created to be aired on the Playboy channel (!) and which doesn't just feature Traci Lords, I mean it features Traci Lords. When she was 16, no less. Way to keep it classy, Helix.
You can't get your hands on that version, because duh, illegal. Anyway, here's what you get in the edited version: Bald sportscaster: "Well, what can I say, another extravaganza! You can cut the suspense with a knife! I haven't seen so many- boy, the guys in Helix look good, don't they?" Handsome sportscaster: "What can I say?" Bald sportscaster: (nods)
It then cuts to a ditzy, vaguely Southern-sounding blond who the screen identifies as "Beth Broadway, Miss Rock Fantasy 1983." In perfect pageant-ese, she says "Gosh, I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be back here this year. All the girls are such fun, and such wonderful friends."
After this, it cuts back to the handsome sportscaster, who says, "It looks like we're ready, so let's go on down to the floor for the third annual Miss Rock Fantasy Pageant." There's an announcer down on the stage who says, "And now ladies and gentlemen, without any further ado, I'd like to present the girls vying for the crown of Miss Rock Fantasy. Girls, take a bow!" before things actually start with the Lady GaGa -slash- post-op Heidi Montag-looking Miss California, who is nearly falling out of her leotard (which is definitely more low-cut than the others), as she pouts and air-kisses for the camera. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this woman is probably from porn.
We then see a montage of the different contestants either dancing, or in many cases standing still and moving their hair around with their arms, on the lighted walkway. They are all wearing the exact same thing: Black heels, blue sashes, and green and black leotards. The leotards feature a sort of black suspenders look, as if this is possibly two separate leotards and the black is layered over the green. American Apparel, take note. Oh wait, you already have.
We start with Miss Utah, a spunky young brunette who we'll later see looks like a favorite to win. Let me also mention she's played by Brinke Stevens, who a) is in tons of B-horror movies but also b) is totally from San Diego! She should've been Miss California.
She's followed by Miss Georgia, a bored blond a very underage Traci Lords, and then Miss Vermont, who has an incredible amount of hair — it's like knee-length!
Miss Texas is older-looking blonde who seems to have experience dancing on a lighted catwalk.
The next two look kind of young — Miss Illinois, a girl-next-door brunette, and Miss Arkansas, an especially high-school-age-looking blonde who looks nervous. Last up is Miss New York, whose dancing and comportment is vaguely Flashdance-esque.
Ohhh wait. As the song kicks in, here's the band. They've decided to color-coordinate in black and red, all in sleeveless tops with leather pants. Studs are everywhere. Oh wait, I don't mean the guys in Helix are studs. I mean like, they're wearing lots of garments and accessories with little metal grommets attached to them. Don't get it twisted.
Anyway, there's much synchronized headbanging and guitar waving.
As the first verse begins, we see one of the contestants come out to, uh, perform. Is this the talent portion? She's wearing a sleeveless black thing, black booties, sheer stockings, and fingerless black gloves. But it's easy to ignore those given the GaGa-esque halfmask she has on. Half is black and studded, while the other half is just these long, spiky feathers. She carries two coconuts down the catwalk, which she places beside her feet before smashing one of them with a giant wooden mallet. Uhhh oh-kayyy.
This causes singer Brian Vollmer to somersault off the drum riser, which is covered in contestants. The contestants basically dance all over the stage the entire time the band is performing, not really moving around or anything, but just sort of bopping back and forth in place.
The masked contestant smiles and then growls at the camera, which makes the handsome sportscaster sweat like he's in a sauna. I'm not 100% sure about this ID, but I'm thinking this is Traci Lords/Miss Georgia. I'm not very up on 80s porn stars though.
Anyway, the other girls tease Brian with their dance moves, and before you know it we're onto contestant number 2.
She's wearing a very early 80s heavy metal studded black bodysuit with a cut-out that goes down to the navel (and coordinating fingerless gloves!), and sheer black stockings with garters. She does a sexy dance (while smoking a cigarette no less) that ends with her posing on a chair. Hmm, I think the first contestant had a better talent, but we should probably wait for the ballgown portion to judge.
The chorus features more dancing around, and many, many shots of Miss New York's crotch. Apparently she was right in front of the camera, and apparently they liked it that way. Half the time her lower bits are taking up about half the frame, with the members of Helix in the distance behind her.
Oh! Here we go. Another "talent." This one appears to be Lady GaGa/Miss California. In an extremely low-cut black thing that makes the last contestant's attire look tasteful and a pair of elbow-length (you guessed it!) sheer fingerless gloves, her talent appears to be catching white feathers that are falling from the ceiling with her tongue. This makes bald sportscaster sweat and say "WOW" to the camera.
Did I mention before that Brian seems to like Miss Utah best? He keeps leaning on her and pulling her into the frame. In other news, Miss Texas continues to look super-bored.
The guitar solo consists of a black-and-white shot of Brent Doerner walking down the catwalk — which has been colored in purple for some reason — and kicking the lightbulbs off with his foot as he walks along. Hmm. It doesn't really fit with the rest of the video, but whatever. At least he doesn't have to play the solo from like, behind some woman's butt.
Just when you think it's over, there's another talent portion. This one is Miss Vermont, identifiable by the fact that she has more hair on her head than everyone else in this video combined. She comes out in a totally weird get-up with red heeled boots and a hat, and she's got a red motorcycle on the catwalk. Compared to the others, she's demure — she has on an oversized leather vest over her low-cut bodysuit and stocking/garter combo. Oops, nevermind, she just took that off, causing the balding sportcaster to intone, "What can I say!"
This also makes Vollmer jump off the drum riser and do a somersault again. Or knowing Helix metal videos from this era, this is probably the same shot they used earlier. Actually nope, it's not -- the girls are gone.
Anyway, wow, so Vermont's talent includes mounting the front wheel of the chopper in reverse and waving around her truly prodigious amount of hair. Something tells me she's not going to win, even with this crowd.
The video ends with the band and all the contestants huddled in together, with words across the scene claiming "We'll be back to crown our winner after this..." Some weird dude with a mustacheRip Taylor has made it onto Miss Vermont's chopper, and though he's super-excited to be there, I'm not really sure why he's there. Oh wait, for all the topless porn stars! Duh.
P.S.: Amongst all this weirdness, how'd I manage to forget to mention this song is a cover? It was originally performed in 1969 by a Canadian bubblegum pop act with the improbable name Crazy Elephant.
If you found this page, surely you can complete that Cinderella lyric. This is a website I lovingly maintained off and on from around 2005 to around 2011.
Broken links abound, as do references to failed relationships. And I haven’t checked the email address related to this account in probably eight years, though I had some kickass correspondents back when I kept it up.
Also yeah, back when I started this, you could barely find these anywhere outside of VH1 Classic and old VHS tapes... now I'm going through and adding the actual YouTube videos, since it's the future and all the videos are belong to us.
