THE VIDEO Scorpions, "I'm Leaving You," Love at First Sting, 1984, Mercury
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SAMPLE LYRIC "Ooh, girl, I'm leaving you / yes, I'm leaving you / I've got to go to tonight" (repeat ad nauseam)
THE VERDICT It's almost the fourth of July, so I felt an all-out patriotism-fest was in order. Yes, the Scorpions are German. But this WTF-fest of a video feels like it could only have been made in the USA. There's no apple pie or fireworks (the latter of which, yes, invented by the Chinese, but heavily associated with Independence Day, right?). But what this video lacks in apple pie and fireworks, it makes up for with everything it does have. It's not movie footage, it just feels like you're watching some long lost "late night comedy" from the 80s (as Netflix so charmingly euphemizes it).
The Scorpions' ridiculously adorable old tour bus (not their real tour bus, I'm going to venture) rolls into the town of Bedford, which the sign announces to us has a population of a mere 405. The bus appears to break down or run out of gas or something pretty much right away, which is lucky for the Scorpions, since about half this town's population (or okay about 1/25th of it) is a klutzy ladies' softball league that plays braless in rompers. We're talking uniforms made out of hight-waisted hotpants connected to halter tops, people. If American Apparel hasn't brought this back yet, they will soon. (FYI, they more or less have, without the collar. So I'm sure a collar version is on its way.)
Anyway, these skinny white women, who appear to range in age from about 15 to about 40, are terrible athletes. It probably doesn't help them that they're being heckled by local good ol' boys, or that there's a dog running around in the outfield. One lady is so distracted by seeing the Scorps' bus roll by that she fails to notice the ball laying by her feet, even though we see another lady yell "Get the ball!"
Following their game, all the ladies pile into a diner and enjoy a giant meal of what looks like hamburgers. They all freak out and press against the window, as it's right outside said diner that the Scorpions' bus comes to a halt, and the denizens of Deutschland pile out looking like rock gods. (Come on, it was the 80s people, this was how we thought it was cool to look.) Herman Rarebell is wearing black leather pants and a black leather jacket with no shirt. Francis Buchholz is also sporting black leather pants, but with a sleeveless tee. Rudy Schenker has on the same outfit, but Matthias Jabs steps it up in leopard-print pants, a white tank top, and a jean jacket. Klaus Meine makes it off the bus last, in black leather pants and a red shirt unbuttoned much to far for my comfort.
The Scorpions all pose around the bus, while the women continue to excitedly jam their faces at the window to get a better look. Weirdly, the Scorpions are very well reflected in the window, so I don't think the band can see in. One of the ladies makes an "I'm getting an idea" face as one of the local boys sort of stumbles past the Scorpions. She then says "come on" to the other gals in the restaurant.
Next we get a "getting ready" montage, always one of my favorites in any movie, but particularly 80s movies. This being a "late night comedy," it's also a prime opportunity to show the girls running around in teddies. They all keep running across a porch past a guy who looks like he's in his twenties but is clearly meant to be an old man -- gray wig, reading the newspaper on the porch, dressed like George Costanza's dad. Why couldn't they just cast an actual old man? That's just one of the mysteries of this video. Anyway, he stares after them as they run back and forth. As one of them finishes putting on perfume, we get a close-up of her vanity table and see -- ew!! -- an actual scorpion zipping around.
No sooner do the Scorpions arrive in their hotel rooms (okay, it looks like they're staying more at a bed and breakfast or a boarding house than a hotel), the ladies are all over them, asking them to sign copies of their records. Every time one of them sits down or enters a room, ladies are popping out of closets, climbing through the windows, and crawling from under the bed to get autographs and to take pictures of them with cameras with those old-time flash cubes -- remember those? The things that looked sort of like stacks of light bulbs, and you got to use each of the light bulbs like once? I also enjoy that apparently Matthias and Herman have to share a room, but no one else does.
Next thing we know, the fake-old-man guy is fake-limping down the street with a shotgun. We see the ladies talking to each other in the boarding house hallway, and running back and forth between the rooms, when suddenly the fake-old dude shows up brandishing his shotgun and fake-limping even more ridiculously (he's basically pogoing on his left leg). Um, are we meant to believe all of these girls are his daughters? He chases some of the girls through the rooms, threatening the Scorpions.
Meanwhile, this one lady is walking down the hall, dropping actual, insect scorpions onto the floor. What?! As she drops each one, we see sort of a semi-transparent shot of each of the band members whipping around to face the camera dramatically superimposed over the shot of the insect walking on the floor. Ummm... are we meant to believe the scorpions are the Scorpions? Is this a magical transformation sequence? Or is this lady just trying to like, get a bunch of the girls' feet all swollen up from stings? Maybe she's on a rival softball team. That doesn't make much sense though, because these girls' softball team was incredible horrible.
She turns around and looks pleased with herself once she's dropped all the bugs, who are crawling into the different rooms (no one seems to have closed their doors). It's either this or the guitar solo that makes Rudy suddenly jump up, grab his guitar and run out of the room. The girls are displeased by this.
The rest of the Scorpions follow suit, and they all meet up downstairs in the lobby, where for the first time in the video, we actually see them with instruments playing the song. The girls all run down after them, and pile up on the stairs watching them play. We then get a weird second meet-the-band sequence featuring each member of the Scorpions, in profile in front of some venetian blinds, singing directly to a different one of the women. Matthias and Herman seem to have had some luck in their double room, as their girls are most enthusiastic, while Francis' one just looks pissed.
Without warning, the Scorpions fade and disappear from the room, and we see the women -- now looking much less fresh-faced and all-American, and much more like heavily made-up concert-goers, looking pouty and depressed. Suddenly the lady who was dropping all the scorpions appears in the middle of the lobby (where, for some reason, all of the instruments except the drums have disappeared along with the band). The girls look exasperated with her, and she makes a sassy face in return before spinning on her heel and also evaporating into thin air.
What, what, what!?!? This video is the Scorpions' weirdest by far, I have to say, and they are known to do some weird stuff in their videos. I think it's taking this sort of mundane realistic presence -- they blow into town, ruin all the women, and leave -- and adding the insects and disappearing and stuff, which makes it totally bizarre. Okay, I mean not that the like, sexy women's softball league wasn't kind of weird to begin with. But it wasn't supernatural!
P.S.: I know, this one's not at the beach, but it still feels like a summertime video to me. It also reminds me strongly of one of my favorite Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes, Zombie Nightmare. Seriously, click that link! You can watch the whole thing. The parallels are there, I'm telling you. Baseball? Yup. Babes? Check. WTFery? Can't check this enough times.