Ozzy Osbourne, "No More Tears"

Hope That Eyeliner's Waterproof  

THE VIDEO Ozzy Osbourne, "No More Tears," No More Tears, 1991, Epic 

SAMPLE LYRIC "No mawr tee-ears, tee-ears, tee-ears" (Just repeat this in an increasingly dramatic voice over a badass guitar riff)

THE VERDICT I've made reference to this video so many times now that it stopped making sense to avoid it (even if I worry I'm risking becoming too Ozzy-centric). I mean face it — this video is like the template for early 90s metal videos. So what's it got? Well let me tell you! 

The girl suddenly looks a lot less like a stripper and a lot more like a model. I mean, heroin chic was never going to catch on among rock video girls (though among the guys, it's a different story — yes Nikki and Tommy circa Doctor Feelgood, I'm looking at you). But yeah, the gal in this video appears extremely lean compared to the more voluptuous types you'd see in a video from the 80s. The long satin-y dress gives her a sort of Old Hollywood look -- and as previously noted many times, between Monroe, Mansfield, and sort of general mid-century pin-up aesthetics, metal bands are all over this style. 

Random art references class things up. I know I've said in other places how many videos reference "American Gothic" (this one doesn't). It does, however, feature loads of frames and sort of weird art stuff. Most notably though, we once again get a visit from a knockoff of Salvador Dali's 'Mae West' lips sofa (see? More Old Hollywood!). You might recall Bobbie Brown lounging on one in the "Cherry Pie" video (a video which does reference "American Gothic"). Bet you never thought knowing something about art history would come in handy for discussing Ozzy Osbourne videos. But looky here, it does.

Yves Klein Blue is the dominant color. I've talked about this with so many other videos, it's time I finally explained it, since if you aren't the kind who reads fashion magazines (I'm not anymore, but I was, so) you probably have no idea what I'm talking about it. Anyway, Yves Klein Blue (or International Klein Blue, or IKB) is a super-intense ultramarine or cobalt blue.

 

It comes in and out of fashion, but it's most directly associated with its creator (Yves Klein, obvs) and his works created by having nude models coat themselves in the super-intense pigment and then assume different poses pressed against canvas, so the prints left by their bodies create the piece. I know, this sounds like the concept for a metal video, right? Yet somehow they never made the connection between the color and nudity. Hmm. 

Dramatic lighting gets even more dramatic. Okay, we all know spotlights have never been strangers to metal videos. But I feel like "No More Tears" marks some kind of tipping point -- okay, maybe "Poison" marks it, I'm not sure (hell, they're practically the same video) -- where suddenly everyone is being shot in high contrast, with parts of their faces in focus and clear and the rest in dark, utterly black shadow. They pump it up a notch by there seeming to be fans off-camera blowing directly into each musician's face. Even Zakk Wylde can't whip his hair fast enough to keep us from seeing his mug in this one! 

Wardrobe has been pared wayyyy back. Okay, it's not like Ozzy was ever glam to begin with. Well no, wait, I take that back. We all remember his Liz Taylor phase, when he wore all those full-glitz bathrobes onstage. Suffice to say, those are gone now. (Actually, Ozzy looks amazing -- like ten years younger and I'm gonna guess way more than ten pounds lighter.) He's stopped frosting his hair, and there's nary a rhinestone in sight. Instead, he's rocking a popular early 90s guy look -- the black (probably leather) vest with no shirt underneath. Zakk Wylde is just wearing pants (not that there's anything wrong with that!). 

I don't think anyone's wearing color though, which is a mega-contrast to the amped-up color in every other part of this video. It's like they wanted to keep things flashy, but keep their distance at the same time. That said, what with his giant cross necklace and numerous bangles, Ozzy hasn't lost all his flair. There are definitely parts of this video that weren't trend-setting though. The whole Ozzy's-crawling-around-while-he-sings thing? Yeah, not so much. I'm not sure what the jagged floor/fake precipice is all about. Maybe Ozzy's not quite so healthy as he looks here.

 

Also, I know the big framed eyes are supposed to look spooky, but combined with the Mae West sofa they just remind me of Chairy from Peewee's Playhouse (apparently a lot of metal videos remind me of Peewee's Playhouse). And the kitchen sink being set on fire? That's just weird. 

Some of the other stuff is the same-old, same-old. Women under water? Yeah, we've seen that (think "Don't Cry" or, for a dude under water, "Headed for a Heartbreak"). A grand piano in a random fog bank? Okay, I don't know if I can think of a video off the top of my head with that exact image, but there are plenty with pianos, and way more with fog, fire, etc. 

By the way, anyone know what this song is about? If you give the lyrics a close read, it seems like it's either about a vampire or a hooker. The video doesn't really give us clues in either direction. The thing about like, reminding you what your mama told you ("not to talk to strangers") and that a "red light" means things get started again makes me think prostitute. But then some of the other stuff makes me think more vampire... or maybe just human murderer? Gosh, I don't know. Allmusic says it's a POV song about a serial murderer... I don't know, I keep thinking hooker. 

 

Hmm, maybe it's a murderer of hookers... or a hooker who is a murderer (it's amazing how, of course, you can find metal songs that cover whatever bases you need in this area). Okay no, per Wikipedia Ozzy says it's about a serial killer. But wasn't it more fun to speculate?

Either way, for a song that's so dark and brooding, all it ever makes me think of is the baby shampoo. What can I say, it's a stronger and earlier association — and really, outside of the baby shampoo and the Ozzy song, it's not like it's a common phrase like "dry your eyes" or something. Or, perhaps, "Don't Cry"?

Ozzy Osbourne, "Crazy Babies"

Mary-Kate and Ozzy  

THE VIDEO Ozzy Osbourne, "Crazy Babies," No Rest for the Wicked, 1989, Epic 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Nobody's gonna change them, change them / they've gone over the to-o-op / nobody's gonna tame them, tame them / they're never gonnaaaa sto-o-op" 

THE VERDICT This is seriously such a weird song, even for Ozzy. Admittedly, No Rest for the Wicked is far from my favorite Ozzy album. I know I am already in the extreme minority by being a Jake E. Lee partisan, but whatever, I am. 

In any event though, "Crazy Babies" is somehow like the cornerstone of this album — the cover art even comes from the video. That said, I'm not sure why this song was even a single (not that I really like any of the singles from this album). 

Still, the song and video are really the shape of things to come for Ozzy. "Crazy Babies" is much closer to how Ozzy's going to sound from here on out. I feel like it's the bridge from "Breaking All the Rules" (which sounds for all intents and purposes like it came from The Ultimate Sin) into the Zakk Wylde era. Indeed, this is one of our first glimpses of Zakk — it's before he's gotten super-hot, he's kind of got weird bangs, but still, there he is. 

I don't know if this video is necessarily indicative of future Ozzy videos, but it does give us a preview of what are upcoming trends in heavy metal videos. One, we've got the use of this sort of Yves Klein blue backdrop (here with black and white in front of it). Give it a year or two, and this is going to start to show up everywhere, from Queensryche's "Silent Lucidity" to Alice Cooper's "Poison" to Ozzy's own "No More Tears."

 

In the performance stuff , this is also our first metal video glimpse of this shaky/shadowy camera technique (I wish I knew the word for it!) that we associate most prominently with Metallica's "Enter Sandman." You know, where you sort of see several images at once, almost like a bunch of still frames with a bit of a lag, so you see several at once. It's a camera technique I associate way more with thrash metal, but here it is with Ozzy. 

Last, there's the grainy black and white footage. This isn't entirely new, but it's worth pointing out, since you usually only see it used to convey as sense of being "backstage" or "behind the scenes," a la the grainy black and white in "Sweet Child O' Mine" or "Wanted: Dead or Alive." Dang, these guys don't often come up with new visual tropes, do they! 

It's also our first peek at the Olsen twins' grown-up style. No, just kidding, it's not Mary-Kate and Ashley. But for real, don't the two main girls in the video (not the creeper with the heavy bangs, but the other two) seriously look like MK and A? 

I mean, not so much how they looked at the time, but if you just knew what the Olsen twins look like now, wouldn't you assume when they were younger they'd have looked like this? Long, dirty hair, giant anime-style eyes, grungy, shapeless clothes? I mean these are all those girls' current signatures! 

How they came up with the concept for this video — shaky cam of Ozzy and the band mixed with the faux Olsen twins cozying up to a giant snake — we'll never know. And then it winds up as the album art! I mean I guess their other option was the creepy mask from "Miracle Man," so.

 

Still, based on that video, I'm surprised we didn't wind up with some kind of faux-church or stained glass type motif on the cover instead of Ozzy sitting around with some creepy little girls. Or yeah, like Ozzy with a bunch of pigs. Or just pigs in church. Whatever, it just seems like "Miracle Man" has more happening that seems album-cover-ish than this clip does. 

What this song is even about, we'll never know. I mean the constant repetition of "nobody gonna change them, change them" in a song about babies. I know, I know — I'm sure "babies" is more just a turn of phrase here than like, literal infants. But I'm sorry, that makes it sound like they are just walking around with fully-loaded diapers! Gee-ross. Ozzy, what were you thinking? 

Then again, that's basically what I was thinking when I picked to do this video now. I guess I've finally hit that age where I suddenly go from knowing like, one person my age with a kid to knowing, well, pretty much everyone but me. 

Well, not everyone, but a lot — it's now been like two years since I could say no one I knew was currently pregnant, and this spring in particular there has been a bumper crop of babies among my friends. So this video is dedicated to the very recently born Charlotte and Emme, the slightly less recently born Max and Tabitha, and the any-day-now baby-to-be Sam! Hopefully somebody is going to change you, change you, at least in the diaper department.

Lita Ford feat. Ozzy Osbourne, "Close My Eyes Forever"

Let's Duet  

THE VIDEO Lita Ford feat. Ozzy Osbourne, "Close My Eyes Forever," Lita, 1988, RCA 

SAMPLE LYRIC "If I close my eyes forever / will it all remain unchay-aynged? / If I close my eyes forever / will it all remain the sayyyy-ayyy-ayyyy-ayyyme" 

THE VERDICT Spoiler alert: I freakin' love this song. I mean the queen of metal meets the prince of darkness? This is like the heavy metal version of "Islands in the Stream." There aren't a lot of metal duets out there — it's really just this and "Everything You Do (You're Sexing Me)", so obviously "Close My Eyes Forever" wins that contest. 

This song is a little weird in that at the time it's really the only power ballad for either of these artists. I can't really think of another song Lita does that's in this style. Ozzy obviously will go on to go much further sonically in this direction, with like "Mama, I'm Coming Home", but lyrically, he doesn't really have love songs. 

In a way that makes it too bad they didn't do this song later — I feel like he got more into really singing, whereas in this song he's sort of doing an exaggerated version of his usual creepy Ozzy voice. I feel like a lot of people aren't too into this song, particularly hardcore Ozzy partisans. But for me, it's a great one. 

I don't know, something about the sentiment really gets to me. I feel like I've had times in various relationships when I wished I could just stop time, and stay right where we were. I feel like this song really gets at that well for me. 

At the same time though, this was a song I liked better when I understood the lyrics less. In my head, it was pretty romantic — I had always heard it as "warm and dark embrace," and so when one of my karaoke video games informed me it was "warm and darkened grave," it was a bit unsettling. All the sort of goth parts in this song feel like they're trying a little too hard — I mean cobwebs on your eyes? Gee-ross. 

Something tells me the sort of darker aspects are Ozzy-slash-Ozzy's management trying to make sure it doesn't seem like he's gone soft. I mean yes, at this point Sharon Osbourne is also Lita's manager, so clearly she orchestrated this, but at the same time, you know she's keeping track of everyone's interests here.

 

But even if you ignore the lyrics, it's still a great song. I really like Lita's solo in it, and the way the song just sort of builds and builds. There's kind of a chorus, but it's really more of just a repeated motif. The last part ("I know I've been so hard on you-ou") is definitely a favorite for me — the more I think about it, this is the Lita Ford song I like best. 

And oh yeah, the video! The video's all right too. Not the most happens — I get the feeling Lita and Ozzy were never actually in the same place. We mostly see them apart, and sometimes the image of one is superimposed on top of the other, but that's about it. 

It's mainly them singing the song in an empty, dark space with just a few random props. There's a blue velvet curtain, a random archway, a window set high in one wall, and then hanging mics. That's pretty much it. 

We see more of Lita than of Ozzy, probably because she looks absolutely gorgeous in this video. She's wearing a great outfit — purple boots, artfully shredded jeans layered over sparkly black tights, and a couple of different embellished black leather jackets (the jackets switch along with her guitars). Her hair is amazing, and she's painted her nails blue. 

Ozzy is harder to see. We mostly only see his face, and a lot of times it's only partially lit to create exaggerated shadows and make him look spooky. He's wearing a black jacket with sort of textured embroidery on it, but otherwise, he's a bit hard to see. 

We only really see Ozzy actually standing there in the very last shot, when suddenly he and Lita appear to be in the same space. Or at least, they're made to look that way — like I said, based on the way this video was shot, I don't think they were ever actually together for this shoot. 

Regardless! I love this song, and a lot of other folks did too — this song went to #8 on Billboard's Hot 100 (by contrast, "Kiss Me Deadly" peaked at #12). Still you know, it's not for everyone. And if you read this blog often, you can probably guess who I mean.

 

Yep, Beavis and Butt-head rip this song a new one when they watch the video, and to this day I can't watch this video without thinking about what they have to say about it (particularly the "monster faces" comments). 

They check it out during the season 5 episode "Choke", which is hard for me to watch due to its heavy ick-factor, but which also contains some amazing insights into B&B-H's relationship. My favorite part is when the 911 operator tells Beavis, "Sir, if you want to save your friend's life, you must administer the Heimlich maneuver" and Beavis says "He's not really my friend." Anyway, here's what they have to say about this video, which they pick up already in progress:

Beavis: "Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, it's Ozzy!"
Butt-head: "Yeah! ... Uh, why's he whining?
Beavis: "Yeah, yeah, what's going on here? (both stammer and laugh for a while) Boy, this isn't very good."
Butt-head: "Yeah. Ozzy shouldn'ta done this."
Beavis: "Yeah really."
Butt-head: "Eh, maybe this is Meatloaf."
Beavis: "You know who I think this is, Butt-head? I think this is the Indigo Girls."
Butt-head: "Oh yeah!" (both laugh)

They watch the video silently for a while, during which time Butt-head looks over vaguely incredulously at Beavis, and they make eye contact for a second. I love it when they have little moments like that.

Beavis: "Whoa, check it out, he's making one of those monster faces!"
Butt-head: "Yeah. Monster face and wuss music do not go together. It's like, you may've scared somebody with that face twenty years ago, but now you just look like some old fart."
Beavis: "Um, oh yeah. Um. You're being kind of hard on Ozzy, Butt-head."
Butt-head: (laughing) "I'm being what Ozzy?"
Beavis: "Hard on Ozzy! (pause - both laugh) Oh yeah. Yeah."

I dunno. In a way the boys' hatred of the song kind of just adds for the song to me. Although again, as they sort of also obliquely point out, there is this weird tension between like, the scary Ozzy everyone's known to this point, and then the softer side of Ozzy we start to see here. I wish they'd gone back and done this song over around the time of No More Tears so Ozzy really could've gone all in. 

I think in general, I wish there were more metal duets. Like could you imagine a Doro Pesch/Ronnie James Dio duet? Omg and they could've called themselves Dorodio. Or Dioro. That would have ruled. Maybe what I need is just someone to duet with, and I can just turn whatever metal song I want into a duet. Hmm. 

P.S.: I know it's not metal-related, but come on, don't tell me you didn't see this movie!

Ozzy Osbourne, "Bark at the Moon"

Werewolf Ozzy, Spooky! Scary!  

THE VIDEO Ozzy Osbourne, "Bark at the Moon," Bark at the Moon, 1983, Epic 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Those that the beast is looking for / listen in awe and you'll he-ear him / bark at the moo-oon!" 

THE VERDICT Halloween is just days away, so obviously it's — well actually, it's probably well past time to start digging out some great Halloween-oriented videos. "Bark at the Moon" is fantastic because well, 

a) it's sort of a low-budget combo of the plots of many a classic horror movie in a 

b) sort of Scooby-Doo way, plus 

c) the song is meant to be spooky too even if 

d) it mostly just makes me think Jake E. Lee is a really talented guitarist. 

Personally I was tempted to do "So Tired", but that's just 'cause right now I am so tired. But this clip's a much better fit. I mean it kicks right off with some kind of weird Phantom of the Opera-ish dude (the low-budget metal video version that is, which is just putting some guy in a robe and painting his entire face white). 

"Bark at the Moon" also exploits camera effects as much as possible, starting with the quick-zooms of the different band members in funeral garb. And of course, what video would be complete without those old standbys, colored lighting and dry ice. Throughout the whole video, Jake E. Lee does his thing wearing a frilly shirt amidst some reddish fog. 

The plot? Well, let's see. Ozzy is sort of an old-timey mad scientist, with a cool-ass lab full of bubbling beakers and elaborate glass tubing. Though his wife looks alarmed, he is so happy with his latest concoction that he promptly drinks it. 

This seems honestly pretty accurate for the Ozzy of the time, if you've ever read his explanation for why exactly he bit the head off that bat. He's an ingest first, ask questions later kind of guy, though in video as in real life, his snap decisions come back to haunt him.

Horrified, his wife runs out of the room while Ozzy appears to choke to death on whatever he just drank. Next thing you know though, guess who's in the red fog with Jake E. Lee. Yup, it's Were-Ozzy, from the album cover. The way they've pasted all the hair on such that it looks like patchy, grown out body hair (especially on his chest) kind of gives an orangutan-type look to it.

 

His super-sympathetic video wife (a prim blonde who looks nothing like Sharon then or now) promptly has Ozzy put into a straitjacket and hauled off their gated property. The video quality is poor so I'm not 100% on this, but I think it's the other guys in the band who take him away. They toss him into a padded room, just like in a Quiet Riot video. 

Next we see Ozzy being tied into some kind of an electric chair. The lighting is very red, so it's hard to tell what's going on. At first he seems really out of it it, but just when all hope is lost, he makes eye contact with the camera and reveals some giant fangs. Uhoh, looks like we're gonna have Were-Ozzy on our hands pretty soon. 

And we do! There he is jumping around in the red fog again. We then jump to a foggy nighttime scene of horses pulling a hearse — wait, did I fail to mention that about half of this video appears to take place in Victorian England? 'Cause it does, hence all the frilly shirts. 

Anyway, we see the horses and the coffin, then we cut to an overhead shot of the wife — now the widow, I guess — and a vaguely Anderson Cooper-looking priest checking out the coffin. Dead Ozzy's inside, and Anderson points at him. The widow chucks some rose petals onto his body. 

One minute Dead Ozzy is looking peaceful, and then the next we've got some special effects straight out of the Greg Kihn Band's video for "Jeopardy." Yes, Dead Ozzy has morphed into a sort of melted-looking skeleton. Think after the Nazi drinks from the Holy Grail in the last Indiana Jones movie. Or when the ark gets opened in the first one. Your choice. Apparently the early 80s were a big time for melted-looking skeletons. 

Then we're at Dead Ozzy's very rainy funeral. Why does it always rain at heavy metal funerals? The widow, the Anderson Cooper priest, and his band members wearing top hats stand around while a bunch of fog floats by.

 

After some guitar face from Jake E. Lee and some serious drum face from Vinny Appice, suddenly we're back with regular old-timey Ozzy, who I guess is still alive. He's making crazy faces. It's hard to tell where he is, but he keeps opening a door and being blinded by the bright white light pouring through it. He tries other doors, but those are just full of red light. 

Is this supposed to be some kind of metaphor? On his like eighth try you think Ozzy's made it through, but he's just sort of standing there screaming and clutching at the door frame. Is he super afraid of Jake E. Lee? I mean it keeps cutting between Ozzy screaming and Jake E. playing in the red fog. The backlighting and the fuzziness of his hair are making Jake look a little like a Muppet, which though a bit unusual isn't that scary. As Ozzy's struggling around, I could swear they reuse the Vinny Appice drum face footage from like thirty seconds earlier in the video. 

Ozzy finally makes it away from all those lit-up doors, and stumbles into a weird candlelit area that appears to be where his coffin was earlier. Actually it kind of looks like that steam tunnel Paul Stanley's dancing around in in KISS' "Who Wants to Be Lonely?" video. And finally — here's the payoff — he is running from Were-Ozzy. 

So yes, all the lit-up doors stuff — that was just saving some money with special effects that weren't very special. We were meant to believe it was Were-Ozzy frightening regular old-timey Ozzy all that time. This is confusing because I thought earlier we were meant to believe that, a la Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, drinking that potion had transformed Ozzy into Were-Ozzy. But then what to make of Dead Ozzy or Melted-Skeleton Ozzy? 

Whatever, at least this video has finally gotten cool again. Even if you do get the impression that the actual tunnel they are in is about six feet long, as they appear to keep running through the same doorway past the exact same candelabra over and over again. 

Suddenly a cloaked figure appears at the end of the hallway. Another Ozzy? No, it's that weird white-face Phantom of the Opera dude from the opening shots of the video. Whatever he's doing there, it's not slowing down Were-Ozzy. Eventually regular Ozzy stumbles and falls, causing Were-Ozzy to make an extra-menacing face for the camera.

 

But then nothing really happens. It just cuts back and forth between Jake E. Lee and Were-Ozzy making faces and gesturing in the red fog. Oh no wait, here we go. Something's happening. 

We see Ozzy's wife standing next to the gates of I guess a sanitarium as the doctor leads Ozzy out. He unlocks the gates, shakes Ozzy's hand, and lets him out. (As a side note, I like that they apparently chose to release him very late at night.) Ozzy hugs his wife, then looks back at the building. And what do you know — up on one of the parapets, it's Were-Ozzy. 

His wife looks mildly alarmed, but Ozzy just laughs and turns away. He and his wife walk away, and then we get repeated quick-zooms back to Were-Ozzy making scary monster arms up on top of the building. 

So WTF happened in this video? Which Ozzy is which? Was it all just a dream — or a hallucination? I'm inclined toward the latter — that Ozzy drinks his potion, it makes him go all crazy, and he has an extended hallucination of being Were-Ozzy/Dead Ozzy/Melted-Skeleton Ozzy. Thus the reappearance of Were-Ozzy at the end of the video is less "was it a dream" and more "was he really cured in that asylum." 

The lyrics imply a different story though — that Were-Ozzy is an undead Dead Ozzy who is screaming for vengeance, if you'll allow me to mix my metal metaphors. Long story short though, I dunno. What do you think? 

One more fun fact about this video: So the guy who did Ozzy's makeup here and on the album cover is special-effects artist Greg Cannom, who has won a bunch of Oscars for this. He's the same dude who did "Thriller," as well as tons of movie work, from MST3K favorite The Incredible Melting Man to A Nightmare on Elm Street III ("we're the dream warriors!") to uhh... Big Momma's House. And Big Momma's House 2. But you know, also lots of other, better stuff that's less funny to mention. 

I read somewhere ages ago that Ozzy got the idea that he would throw on this makeup and wear it every night when he was on tour for this album. But then he realized a) how long it took for it to be applied (ever watch that "Making Of" thing about "Thriller"? They talk about this a lot there) and even more so b) how insanely much it cost to even do like, once. 

Anyway, Ozzy wised up on that one, so this video is the only place to see it in action. This also explains why aside from the beast makeup, most of what you see in this video looks unbelievably cheap! 

P.S.: I debated among several titles, including a bunch that were plays on The Onion's "One Man and One Wolfman" headline, but wound up going with the obvious.

Ozzy Osbourne, "The Ultimate Sin"

Ozzy Does Dallas

THE VIDEO Ozzy Osbourne, "The Ultimate Sin," The Ultimate Sin, 1986, Epic

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRICS "It was the ultim-uh-ate si-in / it was the ultimate si-i-in / it was the ultim-uh-ate si-in"

THE VERDICT I love how the opening of this video is like Dallas. Mansions, horses, Ozzy clapping in a black-and-yellow-sequined coat that looks like it belongs to Stryper... it's really a promising intro. Ozzy sitting at his J.R.-style desk, in a suit and matching cowboy hat and yet with extensive eyeliner and bedraggled, shoulder-length hair, trying to act ...yes, this video rules. As he picks up the phone and mimes dismay, he clearly says "Oh shit!" Love it. Honestly, all the videos from The Ultimate Sin have their This Is Spinal Tap moments, but the title track is more or less all Spinal Tap moments.

Ozzy picks up a giant remote to soothe himself with some TV, and look what's on! It's him in concert, wearing his big Stryper jacket. He's got on some kind of coordinating spandex bodysuit on underneath it -- the combination makes him look like a cross between Michael Sweet and the Undertaker. For some reason all the concert footage is shot from a low angle -- to make him look more imposing? Either way, Dallas Ozzy is tickled to see Stryper Ozzy on TV.

But then -- uh-oh! -- it's Julie, the girl from the "Shot in the Dark" video-slash-the album artwork. She's out in the concert audience transforming into the album cover lady again. How come Ozzy never transforms into the weird dog-lion-monster thing he's depicted as on the cover? I mean, the man is no stranger to album-art-inspired makeup -- just watch "Bark at the Moon." Must have been too expensive to turn him into the dog thing.

Anyway, next thing you know, she's appearing in his office, smiling in a weird way and wearing an outfit that wouldn't look entirely out of place on Sue Ellen (a red shirtdress thingy and an insanely large pearl choker). Next thing you know though, she's making the headache face again, which somehow provides a transition back to her being in the audience of the concert.



Stryper Ozzy's coat, now that I look at it more, is even more ridiculous than I first thought. It's got giant shoulder pads, the hem is cut into carwash strips, and the pattern makes him look like a giant sparkly road sign.

They barely show the concert though (or Jake E. Lee even! Good luck to anyone else in the band trying to get any screen time in this video). Before you know it, we're in Dallas Ozzy's boardroom, and he's frustrated by all the board members yelling at him about stuff. He doesn't take it too hard though, making faces and taking off one of his cowboy boots (showing off polka-dotted socks and making a secretary stick out her tongue in disgust).

Next thing you know though, Julie's standing at one end of the table staring at him. This time though, Dallas Ozzy reacts completely differently -- he looks happy to see her (see, this is why I don't work in an office anymore. Meetings suck so much you're even happy to see a scary demon lady). She smiles (looking slightly like Elaine from Seinfeld), making all the board members turn toward her. They all smile, and this for some reason makes Dallas Ozzy completely freak out. Did they give him any directions on the acting here? It feels so faked and yet, in its randomness, so real.

Dallas Ozzy leaves the table, and a combination of Julie making the headache face and Ozzy pulling down a screen takes us back to the concert. We finally see Jake E. Lee, who I have a great affinity for -- I know for Randy Rhoads partisans this is blasphemy, but Jake might be my favorite Ozzy guitarist. I really love Badlands too, and he's a key component in the funniest joke in Extract. I thought it was the funniest joke anyway. Gotta love Jake E.



Pretty soon we're back with Dallas Ozzy, who has left the building (which says "Ozzy Oil" on the side of it) and is racing to his car. He polishes the steer horn hood ornament, then spotting Julie standing behind a fountain, he runs to get in the car. She makes mean faces at him, and he rolls down the window to stare after her with an expression of... uhh... well kind of a blank expression really.

Dallas Ozzy is relieved, then extra pleased, to be in his car, and he pulls his giant remote out of his suit jacket to watch more of his concert in the car. In a meta-Ozzy moment, Dallas Ozzy rocks out to Stryper Ozzy, then we transition to the concert. The low angles, wide stage, and lack of clear shots of anyone besides Ozzy imply to me this concert is real rather than staged (then again though, I suppose I should have learned my lesson with "Estranged"). And besides, next thing you know, there's Julie in the audience. We also get a random blue texture that's technically a bit of foreshadowing.

That turns into a shot of Julie in the audience on a little TV that Dallas Ozzy has dragged out by the pool -- ooh, like Madonna in Desperately Seeking Susan! Love that movie. Dallas Ozzy stretches out in his bathrobe, but next thing you know, Julie is standing in his yard (possibly shivering, or maybe it's just really windy -- the more I see it, I think the latter).

Dallas Ozzy looks excited, then grabs his TV (dramatized by a shot from the TV's point of view) and throws it into the swimming pool. This would seem more badass if the thing appeared to have a cord attached, let alone be plugged in. Julie keeps making the headache face, then Ozzy strips off his road and swings it around before throwing it behind him. He's still, let us note, wearing his polka dot socks. She's still got on the billowy red shirt dress and black pumps.

Dallas Ozzy chases her onto the diving board (okay, she doesn't really run, just backs up). Nonetheless, Julie appears surprised as he pushes her in backward. We get a sort of crackly effect over the screen that I think is meant to imply cordless TV + pool = electrocution. The video ends with Stryper Ozzy waving his arms, then Dallas Ozzy saluting, then my favorite shot -- a horse rolling on its back! Gotta love horses.



Anyway, that was a lot of video description -- I've almost done my old post format here -- so here's the real verdict. In the introductory sociology class I'm a teaching assistant for right now, our textbook uses pictures of Ozzy to illustrate the concept of front stage and back stage behavior (which is relatively self-explanatory thanks to the relatively descriptive terms Erving Goffman, an eminently readable social theorist, used to describe it). The gist is that people manage their behavior in different ways depending on whether they see themselves as having to perform a given persona for others (e.g., how you interact with customers = front stage, how you interact with coworkers of the same rank as you = back stage).

They picked a promo photo of Ozzy that looks like it's circa this period based on his makeup, hair, and dress, and paired it with a photo of him in the kitchen with Sharon from The Osbournes. They really should have stuck to the same time period and showed him in the kitchen in The Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years.

More to the point though, I don't actually think Kitchen Ozzy versus Scary Ozzy is actually that great an example of front and backstage behavior, because let's face it -- Ozzy puts it all out in the front. He's not that scary, certainly not in this video -- even though we see Stryper Ozzy and Dallas Ozzy, neither one is Scary Ozzy. In fact, both appear to be versions of Silly Ozzy (though the concert footage is less silly here than in other videos from this album, although again, there's less of it and we mostly have to watch it on tiny 80s TVs).

Much like Alice Cooper before him and many others after, Ozzy's both at once -- sure, even if Scary Ozzy is electrocuting a woman in his swimming pool, the fact that he's doing it in boxer shorts and polka dotted socks = Silly Ozzy. Similarly in concert, who's really going to take him seriously in that ridiculous Stryper coat? Oh wait... duh, Stryper.

Ozzy Osbourne, "Shot in the Dark"

Girls Gone Weird

THE VIDEO Ozzy Osbourne, "Shot in the Dark," The Ultimate Sin, 1986, Epic

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Voices are calling from inside my head / I can hear them, I can hear them / vanishing mem'ries of things that were said / but they can't try to hurt me now-owww / but a shot in the da-a-ark / one step away from you / a shot in the da-a-ark / always creeping up on you"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION A white convertible full of metal chicks pulls up to a small, cottage-style home as this video opens. Impatient to begin their night's debauchery, the car's occupants (two in the front, one in the back -- and let us note the driver's sunglasses at night and captain's hat capping off some seriously big hair) begin yelling, "Let's go! Come on, Julie!" even though their friend is clearly already out the door and possibly has just been waiting for them from on the porch. The driver shakes her head in disgust as all the girls jostle around to make room for their friend (Julie).

All are wearing black, denim, and lots of jewelry involving studs, crosses, etc. (I wish you ever saw them clearly enough to really go into their outfits, but throughout the video they're mostly visible from the shoulders up. All are (somewhat improbably, considering this is the world of metal videos) brunettes, the driver has the longest hair, the passenger's is chin-length, and the girl in the backseat's is about shoulder length, all teased to perfection. Julie climbs over the girl already in the back to get in the car, and we can see she's got on jeans, a denim vest with some kind of black lacy top underneath, a couple of studded belts, and one studded glove (left hand). She looks over her shoulder somewhat sadly and says, "bye," as her grandmother (a guess on my part -- this woman looks way too old to be her mother) waves in sort of a bemused way, as if she has no idea who the girl who just left her house is.

Anyway. As they head into what I'm assuming is L.A. (another guess on my part), everyone's ready to rock. The two shorter-haired gals are sitting on top of the seats, which causes the driver (sunglasses now on her nose) to roll her eyes. Apparently not willing to be too much of a cramp on their style, she then raises her fist and is like "Woooo! Rock!"

The girl in the backseat points out some weird building to Julie, but before we can really get a good look Ozzy's giant, glowing, disembodied head is singing in front of the scene. He floats along in front of the car as we watch the street go on behind him (or through him, rather), then we're back with the babes as they spot a dude putting up a billboard advertising The Ultimate Sin. They're all yelling and waving at him except for Julie, who looks at it in a weird, contemplative manner. Her friend in the backseat looks concerned for about two seconds, then rolls her eyes and brushes her off as Julie puts her hands to her head and glows white for a moment.



As we close in on the first chorus, we find ourselves first again with Ozzy's head but then finally at the Ozzy concert, where Julie's head again appears to be screaming for Excedrin. Her friends are already hooching it up and appear to have laid claim to a couple of not-hot guys, and they're pumping their fists in the air as a large puppet zombie thing (not unlike Eddie -- p.s. btw you have got to click on that link, it's frickin' awesome. I was Powerslave Eddie, fyi) descends to the stage. It's crappy, tiny hands and generally papier-mached appearance cause me to think that the people who now make those big puppets that are inevitably at protests are closet metal heads, because those things look just like this, only they're, you know, Uncle Sam instead of a zombie corpse thing.

Anyway, as it hits the stage we see sparks fly, the crowd rocking out, and then the corpse's arms swing open and Ozzy's sitting in their in an enormous white sequined cape looking for all the world just like Elizabeth Taylor (no, not the way she looks in this picture -- the way she looked in 1986). He hops out of there, strikes a pose, and somehow that causes a puff of smoke in which the cape disappears. Ozzy's now wearing a white sequined billowing top with a wide belt, pouffy sleeves, and a carwash-strip hem. He's also got a piece of the same material tied to his mic, and he's wearing black leather pants (and no shoes. Ozzy never seems to be wearing shoes onstage, at least not, again, during his Liz Taylor era).

For the whole second verse, we pretty much watch Ozzy sing and walk around, and we do also see bassist Phillip Soussan (the only link I can find for him involves his playing bass on a riverboat casino in Mississippi -- wow) and guitarist Jake E. Lee for about a second each. We also see a bunch of crowd shots, including one of the girl who was previously the driver. She's finally lost the hat and sunglasses, I am pleased to report. Meanwhile, Ozzy et al. are rocking out, as are the other concert-goers, but every time Ozzy says, "shot in the dark" Julie's hands go to her head again. Ouch! As the chorus wraps up, she realizes she's suddenly gotten a manicure (long, black nails) mid-concert.

In the bridge, however, she suddenly has a new expression -- it's hard to describe precisely, but she definitely seems more in control (or at least she's conquered her headache). Jake E. works his way through the solo while Ozzy affably bobbles around, and the other chicks from the car continue to dance. Then as Ozzy says "shot in the dark" for about the jillionth time, Julie looks chagrined yet again as she realizes that her hair's getting pretty big and funky, and she's also now wearing an Ozzy-like billowing white blouse (mercifully sans sequins). Two seconds later though (as Ozzy's saying "nothing that you can do") she's gnashing her teeth and raising a hand in the air.



Ozzy then points into the crowd at her and beckons. And now, we finally solve the mystery of what the hell is happening. As we see Julie, her hand all stretched out in a funky claw and now wearing zebra-stripe spandex pants, it becomes clear as the camera pans up that she has now turned into the lady on the album cover for The Ultimate Sin, complete with glowing red eyes. We then see her, standing zombie-like, in a split screen first with Ozzy, then with fans, then Ozzy makes a scary face. Grr! Then we see the now-complete album artwork billboard from the beginning of the video (just for dumbasses who don't know what the album looks like).

And just like that, we're back on the road with Julie's trampy friends, who've taken those guys from the concert home with them but who don't seem concerned that they left their friend at the concert (admittedly though, from what we've seen of them, concern would be out of character). And on top of them, we still have the giant ghost Ozzy face singing. As the driver hits the brakes, one of the girls goes, "Awwwwwwwww, check it out! Is that Julie?" and another goes "No way!" The first girl goes, "No, it is her!" as the camera pans up to show us the billboard more clearly now.

And I mean, I guess it's her, but it's a crappy painting. It brings to mind Napoleon Dynamite's amazing "I spent three hours shading your upper lip" school of portraiture more than competent album art, but whatever. If they want to reassure themselves that she's now up on a billboard and not like, throwing up in a Port-a-Potty back at the arena, that's cool too.

THE VERDICT As Ozzy videos go, this one's not my favorite, but it's not bad either. I like how this weird girl actually ties together the different videos from the album, even if she is a sort of odd choice (she looks like she could be the daughter of the woman in "Wild Child", actually). I think the video's high point are 1), Ozzy's deteriorating appearance and penchant for sequins, and the similarity of both to Elizabeth Taylor's during the 80s, and 2) Julie's trashy friends.

Growing up, a couple of girls who looked just like this (and, incidentally, had a convertible, but it was red and much newer) lived across the street from us, and I was always pretty fascinated with them. They lived with their equally trashy mom, who had married the owner of the house (who was half her age, and they had met I think on a bus). Anyway. I remember that one time I got to go over there (I was much, much younger than these girls -- the younger of the two was I think like seven years older than me or something, which when you yourself are seven is a huge age gap).

Anyway, I don't remember it that well, but I do remember being really impressed with the way that they had absolutely plastered the place with posters of Poison and Lisa Frank-style unicorns. It was pretty awesome.

There was also a girl my age who lived quite far up the road, but whose house I also went to once or twice. She had a sister who was almost ten years older than her who commandeered a basement bedroom that was all fake wood paneling and Mötley Crüe posters. That was pretty badass.

Anyway, my point is, I never actually spent any time whatsoever with the older sisters in either house (in the case of the one across the street, I don't remember ever even seeing her up close), but either way, I definitely conjectured that their lives were like this. Turning it on and hitting a concert in their convertible and their acid-washed jeans. Who knows what they were really like, but the point is, it's videos like this that gave my impressionable young mind any idea what chicks like that were like (which was, at the time, of course what I thought I wanted to be like -- I was so going to grow up, get a perm, and become Rick Allen's best friend. But that's another story).