Ratt, "You Think You're Tough"

The Leftovers  

THE VIDEO Ratt, "You Think You're Tough," Ratt [EP], 1983, Atlantic 

SAMPLE LYRIC: "You think you're tough! / harder than stone / you think you're tough! / your talk's gettin' old" 

THE VERDICT: Pull out your microwave and get ready to do some reheating, 'cause this video is seriously the leftovers — bits and pieces of all the other things Ratt has done to date (the video's from 1985). Sure, the result is pretty yummy, but for the most part, this isn't stuff that's that new! 

The bits and pieces of this video are held together with a framing device of Stephen Pearcy driving around in a dark red Rolls Royce convertible with a TV in it. I love how cars with TVs in them always feel so 80s — the TV is like the televisual equivalent of a Zack Morris phone. Stephen seems to control the TV via a keypad next to it that looks like a calculator. He also has what appears to be just a regular phone that's been installed in a car. It doesn't actually look like a car phone, I mean the thing is white! 

Anyway, Stephen turns on his little TV to Warren DeMartini's solo from "Round and Round," where he falls through the ceiling onto the dining table. We actually hear the song play too, which I like. It's a common device in videos — Poison especially do it a lot on their first album. Sort of like, "Remember? We're the guys who did 'Round and Round.'" 

He then clicks to "Wanted Man." Then suddenly the TV goes to static, and in the first of many cameos, it's Ozzy! Screaming at the camera with a white rat on his shoulder. You know, of course.

 

The Ozzy bit transitions into some of the only footage that is 100% original to this video, of the guys playing around backstage. I looove this kind of stuff. Like as much as I know it's contrived, Stephen dancing around and squirting toothpaste in the air is almost just like, too much joy for me. 

We also get to go behind the scenes at a Ratt photo shoot. Warren... oh Warren. I want to be like "Smoking's bad kids" (and it is, I don't smoke, and I don't want you to think I do) but damn does he make it look good. 

We also get cameo #2 as Tommy Lee shows up and takes some pics with the boys. There's also on-stage stuff mixed in, but most of it is very generic footage — i.e., Ratt aren't necessarily doing this song. Lots of just like, rushing around, scarf swinging, and guitar jabbing. Stephen may not be fifty in this video, but he sure likes to stretch and kick. 

They also do this not-very-special special effect that I'm not even sure how to describe. It's as if they've taken the film, photocopied it, then painted it in with just a few bright colors in sort for sort of a poor man's Warhol. 

Stephen drives around LA, spotting a Marilyn Monroe look-alike outside Grauman's Chinese Theatre. Okay, well, I use the term "lookalike" loosely here. He sees a blonde in a white dress, how 'bout that. She blows him a kiss and waves, and he does his patented Stephen Pearcy finger-point-plus-duck-face move. In case we don't get it, there's also a clip of Marilyn Monroe's hand and heel-prints in the cement outside. 

 

Ahh!! Now Warren (wearing the world's ugliest yellow windbreaker) is calling Stephen on his car phone!! And somehow, even though Warren is calling from a payphone, his image appears on Stephen's car TV. It's like the world's crappiest Skype session, minus computer technology. In other news, Stephen's giant white car phone continues to amuse. 

Also, I just realized that it's like, been a while since I mentioned how hot Warren is, so allow me to mention it again. Warren is super hot! 

You know though, I have to put in that Stephen has amazing style. Yeah, his hair's a bit girly, and the Bret Hart sunglasses aren't doing him too many favors (it's hard to tell if I actually like them, or I just like them for reminding me of the Hitman), but overall, that boy can dress. He's got a feathered earring in his left ear, and an ear cuff midway up his right ear. He's also got piles of different silver bracelets on each arm, and in the concert footage is wearing literally the most artfully ripped t-shirt I've ever seen. Kudos, Stephen. 

Anyway, back to the video. I guess Warren was fake-skyping Stephen to get him to pick them up, since now the rest of Ratt are piling into the convertible. Somehow Bobby Blotzer gets shotgun, with the other guys hopping into the back. Well, they made the right call, as now Juan, Robbin, and Warren are sitting up on top of the backseat waving their arms around while Bobby just sits up in the front like a chump, so. Oh, no wait, now everyone else is sitting down, but Bobby is standing up and miming drumming. Now Juan's in the front, singing straight at the camera. He also has Bret Hart glasses. Dang, this is getting pretty long, isn't it. 

Okay, I'll just focus on the high points, like Stephen signing something for a girl who is wearing an amazing t-shirt which features Stephen's almost life-size face on it. We also must mention that Ozzy's back, and appears to be in drag — he's wearing lipstick and a floral housedress, standing in a garden holding a youngish girl — either Aimee or Kelly, I'm not sure based on the age. 

We also get a quick repeat of Tommy Lee and Nikki Sixx's big reveal in "Back for More," I guess they wanted to make sure they got maximum mileage out of that footage. 

Ooh, then we get a new cameo! It's Carmine Appice, hanging out backstage with the boys. And speaking of backstage, you've got to love all the backstage "getting ready" shots. These boys have a lot of makeup in there, and I don't mean the 70s KISS kind. I mean the 80s KISS kind — eye shadow, lipstick, etc.

 

The end of this video only gets more random. There's a sequence with — I'm not sure if I should call them dolls or puppets — being waved out the window of a car. One of them is definitely a Stephen puppet, the other one is hard to get a positive ID on. 

We also get an actual, new Nikki Sixx cameo, Ozzy ripping off his shirt, and another dude I don't recognize (he looks Japanese, but is not one of the guys in Loudness). 

And then when you think it can't get weirder, the video transitions from the boys singing in their convertible to suddenly being all patriotic, with pics of the Statue of Liberty and the flag. This fades into a sunset, which then (of course) turns out to be an image on Stephen's little car TV. It transitions into concert footage and then static flickers before the whole thing fades out. 

The thing that's interesting though is this song is also a bit of a sonic leftover. If you've ever heard Ratt songs that from when they're still called "Mickey Rat" (a nod to Mickey Mouse, though wouldn't Ricky Rat have made the connection more obvious?), this is more or less what they sound like. Wayyy less polished, way less glam. I mean it actually sounds like they crawled out of the cellar! 

Such is the way with this track, which though many people know it from their Ratt & Roll 8191 compilation, is from their 1983 debut EP which is notable for a) being awesome but also for b) having seriously amazing, like frame-worthy cover art (despite the fact that I'm pretty sure those are large mice, not rats). None of their other albums measure up, artwork-wise. 

The video though is from 1985, sort of filling the gap after Out of the Cellar and paving the way for the clips from Invasion of Your Privacy. 

So it actually is a leftover song, with leftover clips from other videos and just a little bit of new stuff — it's like the day after Thanksgiving! And luckily, like the day after Thanksgiving, it's actually pretty tasty. 

Anthrax, "Black Lodge"

Ready for Their Close-Up  

THE VIDEO Anthrax, "Black Lodge," The Sound of White Noise, 1993, Elektra 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Giii-iiiive me, the one thing you can't giiii-iiiiive / take me to, the black lodge where you liii-iiiiii-iiiiiive" 

THE VERDICT I know. Delving into John Bush-era Anthrax already? But this song popped into my head recently and um, lodged itself there, if you'll pardon my pun, so I felt compelled to write about it. 

Let me start by saying dudes, I have no idea WTF this video is about. It's Anthrax though, and in an Iron Maiden-esque fashion, they tend to write songs about popular culture things they like (the Judge Dredd comics, Stephen King's The Stand). 

Turns out "Black Lodge" is no exception — it references a plot element in cult favorite Twin Peaks, which would've still been really recent when they were writing the material for this album. They even got the guy who scored Twin Peaks to work with them on the song — good one, Anthrax. 

So what's the Black Lodge? Without giving too much away or taking an intensely lengthy (and likely to be contentious, given fans' fervor for this show) digression into Twin Peaks, it's sort of... well... I probably can't really explain it without giving stuff away. (Also suffice to say if this is an issue, don't click on any of the above links! But if you're familiar with Twin Peaks, you'll get the references I make later on.) 

Is this what we see in the video? Mm, not really, though I guess there are some parallels between some of the shots in the latter part of the video and what you'd see in Twin Peaks. I don't see a lot of overt connections though. Let me give you my take on what's going on in this video. Or okay, let's start with just what's going on in this video! 

For one, you barely see Anthrax. Each band member's face is viewed in a very quick shot at some point during the video, and that's that. I think Charlie Benante's expression best captures my sentiments on what's going on with this aspect. So yes, let's strap in now and prepare ourselves, 'cause this thing is really plot-heavy.

 

The video is shot around LA, and has a very LA look and feel to both the interiors and the exteriors (well, by interiors, I mainly mean the house at the beginning). Though there are a fair amount of establishing shots of different places, I was only able to actually track down one of the locations — Evanston Apartments, which are used as an exterior shot early in the video. I couldn't find any of the later stuff though, where they're in a more run-down area, or the ostensible location of the house from the beginning of the video. 

Okay, sorry, I'm getting off track already. The video begins with some establishing shots of LA — the door to the house, palm trees, cars in traffic, etc. A recorded-sounding female voice intones, "Good afternoon. At the tone, Pacific Daylight Time will be two-forty-eight and thirty seconds." 

At the tone, we see a balding man dressed in a dress shirt, tie, and suspenders suddenly sit upright. He peers out through the curtains, then sits on his ratty couch while we hear a weather forecast for LA (as if played on a television in the room), and see more shots of palm trees. The song finally really gets going as the forecast ends, and the man gets more broody. 

We also start to see close-ups of the sleeping face of the woman in the video — she's older but well-preserved, and has one of those too-much-plastic-surgery faces. You know, shaved off nose, overly plump cheekbones, drawn mouth. She smiles in her sleep, and we see a rapid montage of what we can assume are her dreams — a younger version of herself posing in a swimsuit, running on the beach with a man, playing with a dog on a lawn, etc. 

Her memories remind me of one of my all-time favorite videos — brace yourselves, people, I'm not joking — Don Henley's "The Boys of Summer." What can I say, it's evocative. Before I moved to California, I thought my life out here would be like that girl with the wet hair painting her toenails. I can't explain it. 

The montage of memories reaches a hectic pace, ending with a shot of a wedding cake topper. We then see the man come into the bedroom, where she is sleeping with the light on (since as noted, it's the afternoon). He crawls across the bed and whispers in her ear. She awakens with bright eyes and a smile, but her expression quickly sours when she realizes she's no longer in her dreamworld.

 

Okay now I don't know this, but I have always assumed the man in this is not her husband (i.e. the man in her memories) but is, I don't know, like a super-fan or something. Why? One, he appears somewhat younger than her. Two, his manner with her is very servile and deferential. Three, she barely reacts to him. I know, I know, he could be her husband. 

But this sequence happens as John Bush sings "worship the ground you barely walk on" — hence, super-fan. Oh god, the sponge-bathing shot. This is like, the least hot bath-related scene you'll ever see in a metal video. We also see photos in her bedroom showing her younger self from her dreams, affirming that these are indeed memories. The woman sits at the edge of the bed, and the man spoon-feeds her. You can see a large antique vanity table cluttered with stuff in the background — whomever did set direction in this video did a nice job. The house is totally believable as where this odd couple lives. 

As the first pre-chorus begins, we see a montage of the woman putting on makeup and jewelry, more shots of her dreams/memories, and she and the man leaving the house. Oh, and we even see a couple of the guys from Anthrax! 

Next thing you know, they're out in his car, which is a giant, blue, late-model sedan. The woman is propped up in the backseat, with sunglasses and a wig on, plus a scarf over her head. I'm not sure if she reminds me more of Gloria Swanson in Sunset Boulevard or of Bette Davis in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?. Nope, I think Norma Desmond. The woman in this even has something of a resemblance to Gloria Swanson. The man in this is totally her William Holden. Obviously this has a different plot, but there are some parallels I think. 

Anyway, they're cruising around an area that I'd guess is somewhere in east LA, or maybe Long Beach, when he spots Jenna Elfman. Yes, from Dharma and Greg. I'll let you guess whether I'm going to continue referring to her as Jenna Elfman or go with Dharma. Yes, that's right.

 

Dharma is extremely braless in a tank top and cut-off jean shorts. She's hanging around with a man in a pleathery jacket and very loud plaid pants, who possibly is supposed to be her pimp? Even though if she's a hooker she's being very, um, casual in her dress. Anyway, she's hanging around outside a dingy-looking dance club that probably doesn't exist anymore (if it does, I can't find evidence of it online). 

It rapidly shifts from afternoon to twilight as Dharma talks on a payphone and the man checks her out. He briefly converses with her and she leaves with him. Of course, once they're both in the car, somehow it's daytime again, but whatever. You can see like a zillion signs in the background (a Comfort Inn, a McDonald's), but I still haven't been able to track down where they are in LA. 

Anyway, Dharma looks a little sketched out in the car, but not as sketched out as she should look, since next thing you know a dude we haven't seen yet but who looks vaguely like Taboo from the Black Eyed Peas pops up from the backseat and chloroforms her. The shots of her wild-eyed that are almost strobe-lit are among the bits that are more reminiscent of the Twin Peaks stuff in this video. 

We next see the car, at night, pulling into some kind of sketchy underground area, which I'm assuming is the Black Lodge. Unless of course, as we'll see in a moment, the Black Lodge is more metaphorical. Or just less of a physical place, or something. 

Anyway, as the pre-chorus swells we see Scott Ian for like two seconds, followed by some hurried shots of the men hurrying down the hall carrying a passed-out Dharma. We also see the older woman sitting before a collage of photos that appear to be of her younger self, as well as a younger version of the woman as she is dressed now (wig and sunglasses), who doesn't seem to really exist. Yes, this is where this video starts to get really confusing.

 

With the first real chorus, we see that the older woman and Dharma are seated at matching vanity tables. Taboo goes over to see about making up Dharma. We also get a bunch of very Nine Inch Nails-esque shots of pieces of mannequins and dozens of copies of the same red qipao. Taboo puts makeup and a wig on Dharma, and dresses her in one of the qipao before wheeling her away. The woman appears oblivious, gesturing with a cigarette holder at nobody. 

A bunch of ominous shots of sort of old-timey medical equipment (or something) follow as Dharma is strapped into a chair with electrodes attached all over her body. The woman is strapped into a similar chair, as we'll see momentarily. Beside them is a pile of TVs, all of which have flickering blue screens. 

Taboo wakes up Dharma, and the man shines a very bright light in her face. With her makeup and wig on, she looks very much like an early 90s Cyndi Lauper. She squirms and tries to get away from the light. Ooh, here's where Charlie Benante makes that face! 

Oh lord, the next part is the creepiest part of the whole video for me. The man pulls out a tube of suntan oil and rubs it into Dharma's thigh, which discomfits her greatly. However, here's where we start to figure out what's going on. While Dharma hates being rubbed with the lotion, in the other chair, the woman looks pleasantly relaxed, and slides down as if she were the one being rubbed with the lotion. At the same time, we see one of the TV screens begin to come into focus, with an image of suntan oil being applied back in the day. 

Okay. So apparently, the older woman can enter her memories if she is hooked up to another woman who is having those things happen to her, even if the other woman (in this case, Dharma) finds it unpleasant. So she gets the physical sensations from the other person, though not the mental interpretations. And somehow, this makes her memories appear on TV. 

Hmm. Yeah, I'm not really sure I understand exactly what is meant to be happening, forget how we're meant to think this works. Possibly though I am thinking it is like the MST3K movie The Leech Woman. 

 

They repeat this for other of her memories. Dharma looks scared as she watches the memories on the TV. We also see montages of the memories along with shots of the man screaming (the other shots that are closest to Twin Peaks stuff in my opinion). The man produces a yellow lab puppy, which inexplicably also creeps out Dharma (I mean come on, it's a puppy), but which thrills the woman. When he tries to use the puppy on the older woman directly though, she goes limp. Let's not even think about where he gets the puppies from, or what he does with them after. 

As the song winds down, the man goes and talks directly to the older woman, touching her and kneeling before her. Taboo takes Dharma in to another room, where he photographs her in front of a red curtain. We then see her photo pinned among what appear to be dozens, if not hundreds, of photos of women dressed identically. So apparently they do this all the time. 

What's going on? What does any of this have to do with Twin Peaks? As far as I can tell, the visual reference of the red curtains seems to be the strongest connection — Dharma's shot in front of a red curtain at the end, and all the members of Anthrax appear with a red curtain as their background. So possibly Kyle MacLachlan is dreaming this whole video. 

I think my Sunset Boulevard connection (which I've admittedly invented) makes more sense though. I mean yes, I can't explain why this older woman is so intent on living in a dream world of her past that she can only access when she's either a) asleep or b) hooked up to another woman who's dressed as her, but in both cases, a faded beauty has lost all touch with reality. 

As William Holden narrates at the end of that movie, "the dream she had clung to so desperately had enfolded her." Though in the case of this video, it seems to have enfolded the woman, the man, and I guess some dude who looks like Taboo, too.

Def Leppard, "Rocket"

Hey, Remember the 70s?

THE VIDEO Def Leppard, "Rocket", Hysteria, 1987, Mercury

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Rocket! / Yeah-ah! / satelli-iii-iteoflo-ooo-ooove / Rocket! / Yeah-ah! / satelli-IIIIII-iteoflo-ooo-oooh-ooove

THE VERDICT In the spirit of the decade ending and all the reminiscences, nostalgia-fests, and best of lists we are likely to be subject to in this and the coming weeks, let us take a trip back through time courtesy of our friends in Def Leppard.

This video finds our boys playing in some kind of warehouse full of spotlights, TVs, and other assorted detritus, including all these bikes hanging up in some kind of weird sculptural arrangement-slash-something you'd find in a junk-filled garage. Combined with all the nostalgic stuff on the TVs, this video is less reminiscent of other metal videos (not especially shocking coming from Def Leppard at this point in their careers), but does remind one of broody, reminiscing videos from other 80s bands (think Crowded House's "Don't Dream It's Over" and Simple Minds' "Don't You [Forget About Me]," both of which feature similar motifs). Playing with a bunch of old junk around you apparently implies you're thinking about your life, or something.

The only other metal video employing a similar motif that comes to mind is Great White's "Save Your Love" ("Rock N Roll Children" doesn't really count, as setting the scene in Dio's magical mystery junk shop is sort of central to it's plot). I guess Iron Maiden's "Wasted Years" is even more explicitly about reminiscing, but they only show photos of themselves (same goes for GNR's "Yesterdays"), so it's a bit different. Let's face it, at the time most of these boys were living for the moment and not really thinking too hard about this other stuff.

Then again, with all the tv monitors surrounding them -- showing newspaper headlines, stock photos, and most prominently, words from the song -- Def Lep may also have stumbled into some kind of undergraduate art project. Ooooh, or the Christmas party from Less than Zero! Though we don't see footage of the band on the TVs. We see Gary Glitter, Elton John, Freddy Mercury, David Bowie, the Beatles, Slade and other Brit glam rockers, mod fashion, Nixon (quite a bit), British pols, footballers, NME, and of course, actual rockets. Each verse the pictures shown on the screens tend to focus on one area (so music, politics, sports).



The best bit we get though is a quick clip of a very glam Phil Collen (and Rick Savage?). Somehow Joe Elliott appears to be their drummer! If only this part lasted longer or the video was better lit.

Anyway. On to another digression. Could they make a metal video in the 80s without spotlights? Much as Hype Williams would later make shiny stuff and fisheye lenses de rigeur in hiphop videos, so too did Wayne Isham make the spotlight one of the most prominent, and yet underrecognized motifs in heavy metal videos. Seriously, I should go back and tag all the videos I've written up that include spotlights, but that would be more or less all of them! But in particular, this sort of shadowy space filled with swinging spotlights is pure Isham.

I know, I know, the director on this video is Nigel Dick, but the spotlights are really Isham's thing. Plus Appetite for Destruction videos aside, Dick is more known for working with Britney Spears, the Backstreet Boys, and Band Aid. (Not that Isham's exactly a metal purist himself, but I think given all his early work with Motley Crue, Metallica, Megadeth, etc., Isham is who we can really credit for all these dang spotlights. But for the record, he's worked with Backstreet and Britney too.) In any event, we'll forgive him.

Let's digress about the song for a moment. The falsetto harmonizing -- which, if like me you've watched Vh1's Hysteria: The Def Leppard Story multiple times you know Joe adopted first for "Bringin' on the Heartache" -- renders half the chorus for this song completely unintelligible. It sounds like "Rocket! Yea-ah! Sinalighnaloooone!" to the best of my transcription abilities.



As I would never have known had I not looked it up, what they're singing is "Rocket! Yeah! Satellite of love!" This warms my heart not as a possible Lou Reed reference but because it calls to mind the home of Joel, Tom Servo, Crow, Gypsy, and my personal favorite, Mike Nelson (though not at the same time as Joel, obviously). Given the show didn't start running even on public access in Minnesota until 1988, Def Lep are not making reference to it, but I'd be remiss without plugging MST3K, because I freaking love it. Mike Nelson, if you're reading this, call me.

But the strangest part of this song is the breakdown before the guitar solo, where they take the weird falsetto vocalizations and cut them up, rendering them truly unintelligible, and add in bongo-style drumming. All the better to be accused of backmasking, right boys? Which they do with the "awmapshawdaNewOrleans" at the beginning of this song ("we're fighting with the gods of war"). But seriously. Even though the whole album has Mutt Lange's fingerprints all over it, the two most bizarre and overproduced songs on Hysteria are this one and "Women" (which, as it happens, was shot in this same warehouse, just with different lighting).

However, the bombastic chorus also allows Joe Elliott to sort of mime convulsions as he sings. Apparently at some point someone told Joe to sing with his head cocked to the left, because it's leaning that way for pretty much the whole clip. Meanwhile Phil Collen (who totally looks like Riff Raff from Rocky Horror) and the sorely missed and much loved Steve Clarke engage in all kinds of windmill-style guitar antics. Both do this while wearing cropped jackets over bare chests, all the better to expose loads of flesh.

Long story short, it's all good. I'll take Def Lep's tour through the last 20-odd years over whatever "I Love the '00s" Vh1 is surely moments away from trotting out. Oh WOW. Nevermind. Apparently they put out I Love the New Millenium back in '08. Seriously. Seriously. This is why I'm stuck in the 80s people! Everything that comes after is just too embarrassing.

P.S.: This post is named for the genuinely hilarious Saturday Night Live skit of the same name starring Jim Breuer as Goat Boy and, in the iteration I have in mind, featuring a particularly spirited performance by Chris Kattan as David Lee Roth. Of course since they're psycho about everything, I can't find video online anywhere... but if you can ever catch this episode (the host is Pamela Anderson), you'll get where I'm coming from.

Guns N Roses, "Welcome to the Jungle"

The Country Axl and the City Axl

THE VIDEO Guns N Roses, "Welcome to the Jungle," Appetite for Destruction, 1987, Geffen

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "In the jungle / welcome to the jungle / watch it bring you to your / sha-nanananananana knees knees / ooh-ah I / I wanna watch youuu bleed"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION The video begins innocuously enough, with a sort of quiet street (there's a police siren, but it's pretty far away) and a vaguely sketchy dude in a pleather jacket leaning against a bench smoking a cigarette. But as soon as a bus enters the frame -- and Slash's guitar cranks up -- we know we're in for something good.

A pre-teen looking, hayseed version of Axl Rose steps off the bus, wearing a backward-tipped Bob Seger trucker hat (second coming of trucker hats -- the first coincides with Smokey and the Bandit), a plaid shirt, flared jeans, white pointy-toed shoes (possibly cowboy boots, possibly the shoes Eddie gives Chevy Chase in National Lampoon's Vacation) and with (in case we don't get it) a piece of straw still stuck in his mouth. Did Axl really dress like this back in Indiana? Why are so many awesome metal musicians from Indiana? (Diamond Dave and Mick Mars spring to mind right away, naturally). The world may never know.

Anyway, as Country Axl picks up his suitcase, the sketchy dude comes up to him and starts talking to him right away, in a confidential looking manner (we can't hear any of it, because the Real Axl is going, "Woooo-oooh-oooh-ohhhh-ohhhh" like a spider monkey on crack). Country Axl steps aside at whatever the man's offer is, putting his hand on the dude's chest (despite the physical contact, this is probably the least confrontational confrontation any version of Axl's ever had), and walking away.

The camera pulls closer as Country Axl walks away, and we follow his gaze as he looks at a blonde passing him going the opposite direction. We stick with his eyeballs as they roam up her stocking-clad legs to wear they end in uh, what I wish I could refer to as hot pants but what appear to be biker shorts. Country Axl stops and stares after her, then looks at a wall of TVs in a store window (note Slash in a cameo as a drunken bum on the sidewalk beneath).

The TVs show Fantasy Axl, strapped to a chair (explaining the screaming), and we sort of travel toward the TVs until the shot on their screen becomes the shot on ours. After the screaming Fantasy Axl fills the screen momentarily, we finally see Real Axl, who's onstage with his hair teased in well, it's the one time we see him with his hair like this in any GNR video (there are plenty of old photos with his hair like this, however). He's screaming, hands outstretched, and as he brings them together over his head his scream reaches its apex. Just as his hands are about to meet, he stops, and breaks into the Axl dance, which rules.

The camera pulls back and we see that we're actually in a fairly large space (which is probably supposed to be a club but I have always thought of as a warehouse -- it's dark in there but the space is very unfinished looking to me), and as per every metal video directed by Nigel Dick there are spotlights shining around but it's mostly pretty dark. The band's onstage, and the next sequence of shots is sort of a "meet the band" thing (sans Izzy): overhead shot of Steven (who was at the time my favorite member of the band), then Slash (who's actually never been my favorite member of the band, but then again neither has Izzy), then Duff (who now that I'm older and wiser is my favorite member of the band. In retrospect, he was/is the band's best looking member).

Then we go back to Axl, who's dancing, clapping his hands, and in general mustering more enthusiasm for this video than he's since mustered for anything that wasn't brown and liquid (at this early juncture, he is apparently not yet a complete prima donna rock star). Then we finally see Izzy, who's wearing a frilly patterned shirt that in spite of leather pants makes him look like he accidentally wandered in here from the set of a Black Crowes video.



Anyway. Axl's singing now. We get through almost the whole first verse with basically the same shot, him singing from the front, then we see it from the back, to show the crowd. As Axl does his first "sha-nananananana-kneeeeees," he's holding the microphone and using more of a facial expression than he ever does in any other video (I mean, all he does is close his eyes when friggin' Stephanie Seymour buys it in 'November Rain'). As he leans into Slash, for the first time we cut away to news footage -- a cop (or something holding a baton -- the brown uniform means it's either in another country or this person's actually a security guard) shoves away a mostly unseen person, then some other sort of something enforcement personnel shoulders a rifle in another shot.

Second verse, we see a little bit more of the band, starting with a lengthy shot of Izzy. Then Axl steps in front of him, so that's over. Axl starts dancing around, doing the Axl stomp (which here he's doing in leather pants but which really, we are most familiar with him doing in either a) a kilt or b) biker shorts. I think at one point Beavis and Butthead mused on what was up with Axl always wearing stuff like that, and didn't anyone else in the band think of kicking him out over that).

Then we go to a better shot of Izzy doing a similar move, then (one of my favorite parts of the video), as Axl sings "now you're a very sexy girl / very hard to please" we see a shot of a blond in a bikini walking forward and then film of a still image of another bikini babe laying down (I always think of this as being a billboard, but it's hard to tell -- it goes by really fast and also, since I didn't note this before, I keep calling it "news footage" because it looks like someone literally taped it off the tv and then edited it into the video -- yes, the quality is that good).

Next we see Duff kind of, from below the back of his bass, and then more of Axl dancing. As the chorus begins (and we briefly see footage of soldiers running), Axl starts really going for it, with the hands-over-head-hip-swivel. We also see the crowd get a little more into it, with hands waving in the frame and a shot of Slash from behind that highlights an enthusiastic blonde in the front row.

After we see Slash playing guitar for a second or two, we go to one of (drum roll please) my all time favorite shots in all of heavy metal videos (yes, I'm not afraid to come right out and say these things!). In the background, we see Steven Adler and an anonymous babe kind of lying next to each other on a bed (ok, you can only see their heads, so I am extrapolating a bit here but stay with me). City Axl is in the foreground of the screen, taking up the entire left half, but he's out of focus. As Steven turns to look at said babe, City Axl comes into focus.

I love this shot! I could watch it all day. Seriously. In my mind, half the time when I think about The Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years (which obviously, I love), I remember the whole movie as being this one shot! Even though it's not in the movie at all. It is reminiscent of the scenes with Paul Stanley though. Anyway.

The camera then slides around behind City Axl's back, and we see that he's sitting at the foot of the bed (which I still uphold is there), and they're all watching a bank of four or five (or more -- it's hard to tell) TVs of varying sizes which have been stacked up against a wall (actually, the side of a staircase, since railings are partially visible and there are also these weird fleur-de-lis lights running up the side diagonally). All of the TVs are showing something different, but we can't really see since we quickly go right up to one of them, which is showing a whole bunch of soldiers around something burning.

We quickly jump back to Slash playing guitar, but just as fast we're back with something weird happening with an ambulance, some kind of military or assault vehicles going down the street away from us, then (almost too quickly to see), something that looks like somebody surfing or something and then an image of a red convertible (sorry -- even going over these videos frame by frame -- which is how I do, p.s. by the way -- I can't pick it out).

Next we again see City Axl, looking more than a bit jaded, that random chick still blurry but visible in the background. Axl's onstage, leaning on Slash, then we cut back and see that Duff is also in the TV room. Steven looks away from the woman to smile at someone else (another shot I love -- the man may have been a junkie or whatever but he was the only one of these lads that was any good at conveying emotion with any subtlety). City Axl turns again as they rewind a shot of people walking on one of the tvs.



Whoa... I just realized I'm up to 1,575 words... and I'm only 1:55 into the video. Methinks I need to start editing myself more (or not describing every shot in quite such detail!).

Anyway. The next verse is mostly Axl onstage, singing and doing his dance, but it's intercut with more tv footage -- soldiers running, a print ad or billboard of a woman in a bikini -- and also another close-up shot of the now über-jaded City Axl. We get more performance (Duff singing backup, then making a badass face, Axl dancing, Slash bent over guitar, Steven from above), then we move into the bridge -- and get to see a replay of my favorite shot! So again, Steven turns to look at the anonymous groupie/girlfriend, and as his head turns, City Axl in the foreground comes into focus. Onstage, Axl's beginning the snaky, hands-over-head dance that is about the billionth truly memorable part of this video, then we again are looking over City Axl's shoulder at the wall of TVs.

We come toward the TVs to see soldiers/police officers with bigass guns, then go back to the stage for the "When you're high you never / ever wanna come down / suh! down" as Axl turns his usual dance into a sort of mime version of this idea (think of someone miming pulling taffy, or making pasta, and then throwing it at you, and you've got the idea). On the final "down," he jumps to his knees (making me wince at the idea of doing this in what appear to be pleather pants), and we see him rocking out from the front and also (somewhat incongruously, as it's the one shot in the video where he's suddenly sweaty and shirtless) from the back, with the crowd reaching toward him. Slash finally gets substantial camera time for the guitar solo (which he manages to play without even once showing his entire face), and we see a little bit more of Steven, who keeps the cowbell coming.

Axl's return to the mic (and Slash's nice big sliiide) brings us finally back to Fantasy Axl, who appears to be in both an electric chair (okay, it could just be some kind of weird restraining thing) and a straightjacket in some sort of A Clockwork Orange scenario that also involves the dancefloor from Saturday Night Fever. He's watching a whole wall of TVs (more neatly arranged than the ones in the sequence where the whole band's on the bed) and shaking.

We can't really see what's on them, just that all are showing something different, though we do pull in once for the millionth shot of police walking, then a happy couple sort of leaping up in each other's arms in water, soldiers running, then someone throwing a rock. Axl starts screaming, "You know where you are? / you're in the jungle, baby" as the shots of the TVs become even more frantic (as does Fantasy Axl's shaking), then we see the same bikini woman from the first TV sequence and (as Axl yodels, "di-I-I-I-I-I-I-ie") a covered body being loaded into an ambulance. Onstage, Axl's making a crazy-ass face, we see some soldiers real quick, then Fantasy Axl starts flipping out and screaming.

The final chorus brings us back to performance footage, Axl with his hands aloft and the rest of him thrusting, and just a quick cut to a crowd of people running from a man striking at them with a bullwhip (I'd be interested to know what any of this stuff is from -- unlike, say, "Peace Sells," none of it is recognizable, at least to me). The next shot, which is that security guard-looking guy hitting at someone with a nightstick, is the only one that's labeled in any way -- very generic 80s looking news text that says "Last Wednesday / Westwood." Axl gives us one last "sha-nananananananana-knees" and we see a man (looks like movie footage) shooting a gun.

The camera pulls back and we see City Axl watching the wall of TVs in that store window from waaaay back at the beginning of the video (remember them?). He's got his hands on his hips, and the TVs are switching back and forth between different footage we've already seen and Fantasy Axl screaming. As Real Axl wraps it up, we see City Axl from the side (in a shot that's obviously parallel to the first time we see Country Axl). He shakes his head dismissively and walks away as the camera comes back in to focus on the televised image of Fantasy Axl screaming.



THE VERDICT Clearly, Guns N Roses are like, the Brian DePalma of heavy metal videos (they didn't invent the form or the genre, but they did do their best to take it to its logical extreme -- viz. the Use Your Illusion trilogy/Scarface), so I'm starting out with the lighter fare and leaving the concept videos (the analysis of which will likely make my exhaustive essaying of say, Whitesnake's "In the Still of the Night" seem like light reading). Yeah, I'm tossing out easy pitches for now, but don't worry, I'll get to everything eventually. I also need the disclaimer because my analysis of this video is so celebratory (even moreso than usual!). And why is that? Well let's take a look with 5 Reasons Why "Welcome to the Jungle" Rules.

1) It's got one of my all-time favorite shots, which is also one of my favorite in a very cinematic way and not just a "Whoa! That was frickin' badass" way. It shows how much faith Geffen had in GNR that they were willing to roll out the big bucks immediately and do a video that even jeez, over fifteen years later, still looks very slick. Don't get me wrong, we all know I love the mad old videos and their patently D.I.Y. set design, I'm just really impressed with the way that this video just gets it right. Unlike later Guns videos (which paved the way for excessively plot-heavy, expensive, bloated videos of all genres), this video is mad tight.

2) Axl's hair! As mentioned above, one can find a jillion pictures of Axl where he has his hair teased, but this is the only video where you see it. I find it to be so, so hot. Admittedly, I like that very L.A. look with the teased hair and aviators (it's what got me into Faster Pussycat), but I think it also helps Axl out a lot because otherwise, he's really kind of a small guy (or at least he was then). As evidenced by the last shot where he's shown from the side, the hair gives him some size.

3) Steven Adler. Hotness! At the time, Steven was my favorite member of GNR -- I thought he was sooo cute (what can I say, my taste had not yet matured enough to appreciate Duff). This video, however, makes me remember what I was thinking at the time. He looks so hot! And the drumming in this song is tight. I've always felt bad for Steven getting kicked out of Guns -- I mean, can you imagine those guys being like, "Dude, we think you've got a substance abuse problem"? I hope that they at least put down the Jack Daniels while they told him. Seriously, if he'd been in Mötley Crüe, those guys would have laughed at him for being a wuss. Plus, everyone knows I'm a sucker for bands that stay with their original lineups (notable exceptions like Iron Maiden excluded).

4) I am also a sucker for anything that uses news or old movie footage (viz. my obsession with old Headbanger's Ball bumps, Iron Maiden). Part of it's a general obsession with anything I can get my hands on from the 80s and prior (viz. this entire website, most of what I own). This video in particular does a great job with this. Juxtaposing all of the creepy, "Is it the third world or is it California?" news footage with vaguely sexual advertisements totally works and is convincing for the A Clockwork Orange sequence. It also adds something to the Country Mouse/City Mouse convention (which is actually intended here as a reference to Midnight Cowboy). Unlike a video like say, Poison's "Fallen Angel," where the individual seems to have directed her own destiny (or at least, had it directed by other individuals and personal events), "Jungle" offers a broader, cultural explanation for the transformation.

5) It's the one of the most over-played, over-used songs ever, but it's still (not to belabor the term) evocative. (Unlike, for example, the Who's "Baba O'Riley," which is one of the most amazing songs ever but which I can't help feeling gets cheapened with every misuse.) You can't go to a sporting event (or a sports bar, for that matter), without having to put up with revolting losers screaming along to it -- but somehow, you can sing along too without losing your lunch. Try going to a karaoke night anywhere without having to suffer through some fool's drunken rendition of it. But you still love it! It's impossible not to. And no matter what it gets used in, it's still badass.

Remember how the movie Lean on Me opens with it, over the lengthy sequence showing just how awful that school is? It's pretty incongruous (you were expecting rap), but it fits perfectly and sets the scene. Same thing with the current super-saturation of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas commercials (which actually use the song in a similar way, where one would again expect rap). Every time that thing comes on, I sit up and pay attention. The biggest draw still is that opening guitar/scream thing. Even though every time I hear it I think, "What the hell was Axl thinking? Of course he was dooming himself to a career's worth of throat problems singing like that all the damn time," it still sends chills down my spine. Literally.