THE VIDEO Dio, "Rainbow in the Dark," Holy Diver, 1983, Reprise
SAMPLE LYRIC "No sign of the morning com-iiiiing / you've been left on your own! / like a rainbow in the dark / a rainbow in the dark!"
THE VERDICT Okay, so if you're a regular reader, you know I've mentioned a couple times that I am getting married later this month, and I am buggin'. Weddings. Are. Horrible. I sleep like five hours a night because I'm constantly worrying about some idiotic bull. For serious, guys. I considered doing a whole theme month of songs about insanity, but decided I should try more of a "fake it 'til you make it" approach and go super-positive instead.
So this whole month, we're doing songs that somehow relate to my wedding or my relationship with my fiance.
Ha, I can see you cringing through the internet. Come on, you know it can't be that bad. I mean, I'm starting with Dio. You must love Dio.
That said, this is gonna be one of those posts that features lengthy personal digressions (they're all gonna be like that this month), so if you're not feeling that, you might want to bail now. Or at least skim down to the bottom where I actually get around to talking about the video.
So three years ago, driving back to my parents' house from New York in the midst of crazy sporadic downpours and thunderstorms, I actually saw not just one but several rainbows in the dark. I mean forget double rainbows! Friggin' lightning and rainbows at the same time — totally awesome. I'd never seen anything like it before, nor since.
And also coincidentally, the previous weekend, I'd been with some people at a teeny tiny bar in the basement of an also pretty tiny hotel (post my ten-year high school reunion, just to add to the awfulness). For some reason they had a guy playing loud acoustic guitar — like he was really mic'd up in spite of the fact that the room was roughly the size of an average public bathroom. And you know people playing those kind of gigs always like, tell unfunny anecdotes between songs, even though everyone's like pleasssseeee don't talk, we can finally all hear each other without screaming.
Anyway, the high point was when he played what was actually a pretty decent solo acoustic version of "Rainbow in the Dark" which led me to scream and make the Dio sign. He then played the first few bars of "Holy Diver," which now that I think of it would be amazing acoustic, but my cheers were to no avail, as pretty soon it was back to deadly boring Oasis covers. I put some money in his tip jar though and I wrote "PLAY MORE DIO" on it.
So when my fiance and I were very first dating, I told him this story — I can't even remember the context for it. And then the next time I saw him, he'd taught himself to play "Rainbow in the Dark" on his guitar, and played it for me (as well as "Cherry Pie," which I also love acoustic). So see? Relevant.
Okay, to my wedding anyway. I had really hoped we'd be able to incorporate "Rainbow in the Dark" into the wedding in some way, but I don't think it'll actually happen. So this blog post is as close as we're gonna get.
But what of the video? Well, it's astonishingly low-budget. And it takes place in London. Also, this video bizarrely — courageously? — chooses to tell the story of uh, well, of a pervert. We split between a totally badass-looking Dio standing on a rooftop, and then a totally sketchy-looking Englishman stalking a woman through the streets. He adjusts his tie constantly, which is an odd tic.
The woman herself looks like she stepped out of a J. Geils Band video or something along those lines. She's got short 80s hair, and is wearing a red and white polka-dotted dress, red sheer tights, and low white heels (not your typical metal video chick).
One of the most memorable parts of this video for me is when the pervy man gets distracted by a display of lingerie, and we suddenly get this weird montage of the lingerie, signs for peep shows, and a deli display full of meat. Oh Dio, your subtlety is a delight.
She seems to go in the "Cin Cinema," which greatly pleases the perv. He takes off his glasses and is all prepped to follow her inside, when suddenly he stops, shocked — yes, a super-young Vivian Campbell is busting out of there for the guitar solo, and the woman is definitely very interested in him. It scares the pervert right off.
For some reason, this triggers further montages of the fronts of peep parlors and such.
Uhoh! And now here's Jimmy Bain too! Then the woman kisses Viv. The perv is not pleased, to say the least. He drops his little briefcase and just runs away.
I wonder if Vinny Appice was bummed he didn't get to be in this video. Then again, I guess unlike "Holy Diver," at least anyone who's not RJD getting to be in the video would probably be considered an improvement among the band members.
I really enjoy that it seems like this video was not filmed on any kind of closed or even controlled set -- everyone they pass on the street is staring at the actors, or staring straight at the camera. I also feel like how incredibly windy it appears to be on the roof where Dio is gives us further indication of just how low-budge this video is.
But can we also mention that this is an incredible song? For people who aren't familiar with the Dio oeuvre (I know, it's not you, but they're out there), this is the one they'll know — it actually gets played on classic rock radio.
And I mean the keyboard riff in this is classic, just classic. You'd recognize it anywhere. You know me though, as per usual what gets me here are the evocative but somewhat nonsensical lyrics. "When there's lightning / you know it always brings me down / 'cause it's free and I see that it's me / who's lost and never fou-ou-ou-ound!" It doesn't get better than that, people.
Suffice to say I don't know what this song's really about. He keeps being all "you've been left on your own / like a rainbow in the dark." But I feel like seeing a rainbow when you're in the dark would be a hopeful thing. (I mean, when I did see it, it was totally badass.)
THE VIDEO Whitesnake, "Here I Go Again," Whitesnake, 1987, Geffen
SAMPLE LYRIC "And here I go again on my oh-ow-own / goin' down the only road I've ever kno-own! / like a drifter I was baw-owrn to walk a-loh-oh-one"
THE VERDICT Thought I was gonna do something all romantic for Valentine's Day, did you? Nah. I'm saving all that stuff for March, when yes, for the second year in a row I am going to be doing a whole month of nothing but power ballads. Given that we have all that syrupy sweet stuff coming down the pike, I didn't feel too compelled to go in that direction this week.
Besides, haven't you had enough pink and hearts and angels and looove and whatnot crammed down your throat?
Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again" video is kind of an antidote for that stuff. I mean yeah, as per always, David Coverdale is full-on open-mouth-kissing Tawny Kitaen all over this video. Seriously, it's like a mama bird feeding a baby bird. Gee-ross.
But really, "Here I Go Again" isn't a relationship song in that way at all. It's a breakup song, or more specifically, a divorce song. David Coverdale wrote it when he realized his previous marriage had reached the point of no return. Hence, "here I go again on my own." It's a pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on song.
Also though, I had to do it because this is really a classic 80s metal video. Even though Whitesnake aren't, you know, that metal per se, Tawny Kitaen doing a front walkover on those Jaguars is really part of the metal canon. I mean think about it — this video has basically everything people thought was sexy in the 80s:
Lots of keyboards: Most Whitesnake songs aren't especially keyboard heavy, but this one's got more memorable keyboard fills than guitar solos. And think about it — the 80s were the decade of the keyboard. Between synthesizers and keytars, it was like every genre of music at least briefly embraced some kind of digital love.
Okay not thrash metal, but most other stuff.
This video really foregrounds the keyboards, too. The whole first verse, until it really starts rocking, we keep seeing Adrian Vandenberg, John Sykes, and dude honestly, I'm not even sure who else (they're backlit and like half a dozen people contributed bass and keyboard work to this album) each with his own giant keyboard.
Adrian and one other guy are also holding guitars, which amuses me. But yeah, the beginning of this song, and how it's visualized, feels like a sort of weird keyboard church thing.
Tawny Kitaen: This is the kind of gal America loved in the 80s. Think about it — great smile, tons of hair, long legs, plus it's the pre-implants era. Physically, Tawny's got a lot in common with other paragons of 80s beauty like Christie Brinkley or Tiffani Amber Thiessen Kelly Kapowski.
She also sports some seriously 80s fashions in this video. The sheer white shirt thing over a thong-leotard is some hardcore 80s weirdness. It's like she's having some kind of "Calgon, take me away" moment there on the Jags. But also the shimmery green dress she wears in the car just screams Dynasty to me — so again, super 80s.
Apparently some other gal was the original cohost, but I only remember Tawny doing it. Post-Coverdale, it was where she went again on her own. Who knew that the idiocy of the Jackalope was the only road she'd ever known.
Expensive cars: The pair of Jaguars that Tawny plays on are really an iconic piece of this video, and of the time. Imagine the whole "yes I'll take one in black, and one in white, and then I'll let my girlfriend cartwheel around on them" transaction — very smooth, very 80s.
Miami Vice-style mens' suits: In discussing the wardrobe in this video, let us not forget to mention the incredible Miami Vice-esque unstructured suit that David Coverdale is wearing in the car. His jacket is deep teal! It would totally look good on Tubbs.
You know a couple of years back a friend of mine unearthed some deadstock jackets just like that that were actually from the Miami Vice collection (apparently they sold branded apparel), but they were a little expensive so I turned them down. Bad decision, I would be totally stoked if I had one of those now.
Long story short though, this was the look of the 80s, at least for yup-wardly mobile men. Just the other day I read an article where Duran Duran claimed that they started this look and then Miami Vice picked it up, but come on, who are they kidding. In any event, with his turquoise soft blazer and skinny black tie, David Coverdale is totally rocking the soft suit.
Debauchery: I know, I know. This is hardly unique to the 80s. But I put this here for one reason, and one reason alone. Um, in case you hadn't guessed where this was going, a NSFW reason. Four words: Tawny Kitaen nip slip.
Now like a zillion times I had heard David Coverdale claim that in this video, there's a part where one of her breasts just pops on out, but I'd never believed it. He always uses it as a like "we were so wild in those days" anecdote.
Having now gone through the video in my typical fine-toothed-comb manner (more or less frame by frame), I can say for myself: Um, it's there. Everyone I've shown it to has confirmed that yeah, we've got boobage.
In the actual video, it goes by way too fast for you to notice. But slow it down and yeah, that just happened.
And I'm not talking like, in an uncensored, never-shown-on-TV version. I mean like on MTV, on Vh-1, and most definitely on the official Whitesnake YouTube channel. This is not an urban legend, it's real.
It really surprised me that it isn't already all over the internet. I mean, isn't this the kind of thing the internet lives for? Then again, I imagine it's probably not like, super hard to see just about anyone topless or whatever these days.
Still, it kind of amazed me — for all the purported debauchery people always complained about in heavy metal videos, this was the first time ever that I was like, dang, they were a little bit right! (Er, well, actually, it's the left one.)
Long story short, between the fast times, the sexy times, and all the keyboards, the "Here I Go Again" video more or less encapsulates the 80s. Or at least, one version of the 80s. A white dude, fast cars and fast women, keyboard-scored version.
THE VIDEO Bon Jovi, "Always," Cross Road, 1994, Mercury
SAMPLE LYRIC "And I will love you / bay-ay-bayyy-ayyy, ah-all-ways / I'll be there forever and a day-ay / ah-all-ways"
THE VERDICT I know I don't usually do videos from this late in the game. But don't you ever just think to yourself, hey, I'd like to talk about a video that's extra-long, extra-soap-opera-y, and stars multiple 90s "stars"? Well, that's what I said to myself, so I guess you all have to deal with it. And get ready, people, 'cause this is gonna be a long one.
Let's get something out of the way first. "Always" is a very uneven song. Some parts of it are great (the "I made mistakes, I'm just a man" verse and the pre-chorus after it, par example). Other parts of it are brutal (the actual chorus, the freakin' strings).
I have a pretty high tolerance for maudlin Bon Jovi, but this song pushes the limits. It's really wordy and a bit sludgy in places. A lot of it feels like the zillionth chorus of "I'll Be There for You", the one where they sing it a bit higher, and you're kind of just like, "Damn, they're still going?"
Also, just for the record, what do I consider to be fully over the limit? "Bed of Roses." So see, even I have a TMBJ limit (Too Much Bon Jovi). I guess technically though I should also mention that I consider everything from this album on to fall into that category too — I can not abide "It's My Life" or especially (shudder) "Have a Nice Day."
But anyway. This song was apparently originally written for the soundtrack of the 1993 film Romeo Is Bleeding, which explains the weirdo beginning ("this Romeo is bleeding / but you can't see his blood"). JBJ bailed on putting it in the movie, but he was later convinced to dig it up for their greatest hits anthology. I'm glad he did, because you guys, this video is ahmazing!!
Full disclosure: I thought Jack was soooo hot at the time. I mean so hot. Face facts, I love guys with big, pouty lips. Apparently always have. And I watched the bejeezus out of Dead at 21, which was a bizarre attempt at a scripted action-drama by MTV — Jack had been implanted with some science-y thing as a baby, and he just found out about this, and has to foil it with the help of some woman who looks like Duff (not from Guns N Roses, I mean then-VJ Karen Duffy) so he won't die. I remember finding it really exciting, but being disappointed by the ending.
Here, I think he's been cast due to his passing resemblance to Jon Bon Jovi. Longish blondish hair? Check. Pouty lips? Check. Killer cheekbones? Check. All they needed to do was slap some temporary tattoos on him (Superman logo and cow skull with some feathers) to make the transposition complete. In any event, villain-from-The-Brady-Bunch-Movie is too long of a name, so we will call him Noseworthy.
Noseworthy's girlfriend is played by Carla Gugino, who has been in just a huge amount of stuff. I didn't recognize her from anything in particular, but she's been in lots of TV, including long stints on Spin City, Chicago Hope, and Entourage, as well as all the Spy Kids movies. But what has she been in that I've seen? Um... uh... well... Son-In-Law. We will call her Son-In-Law.
Son-In-Law has a roommate/friend staying with her or something like that (more on that when we get to the plot) played by Keri Russell, aka Felicity. Um yeah, we're going to call her Felicity.
Last, we've got possibly the most far-fetched character in an already quite far-fetched video, the artist. And he is played by (drumroll, please!)... Colin from 90210!! I know, I know — in this video he still has his longish hair as he does when he plays (drumroll, please!) Skippy in Kicking and Screaming!
But whatever people. It's Colin from 90210. I hope I need not have to say more, and that you understand how awesome this is. We will call him Colin from 90210 (oh by the way, this actor's name is Jason Wiles).
The video begins all verite, with no music, just a street scene that looks like it's in Mexico but based on the rest of the video I'm going to say is in some magical hybrid of Mexico, Los Angeles, and who knows, possibly New York. We'll call it New Los Mexico.
Anyway, the camera pans up from the street, through a wall, and into an apartment, which is when the music actually starts. Noseworthy is sitting there shirtless (yeah baby!) looking at a picture of Son-In-Law. He reminisces via a flashback about the good times they had when he took that photo, making out and driving recklessly. Aww, they almost ran that Jeep Cherokee off the road! Young love. Sigh!
We also start seeing Bon Jovi. They're playing in a weird empty-ish warehouse space, and they look all 90s. You know, shoulder-length hair. Jon is seen mostly in extreme close-up, while everyone else is far away and poorly lit. They appear to have all picked out their wardrobes together, settling on black tees and choker necklaces with big silver crosses and such hanging from them. Real creative, guys.
Now Noseworthy and Son-In-Law are back at her place. It looks like every chick's apartment in every 90s movie ever — gauzy patterned curtains, elaborately unkempt-on-purpose bed, vanity table covered with photos and crap. Noseworthy is filming her with a camcorder, and of course, since it's a 90s video, Son-In-Law takes this as her cue to perform an impromptu exotic dance routine.
I should also mention that this woman does not seem to know the difference between a slip-dress and an actual slip. Who says that's a dress? "Calvin Klein!" Anyway, Noseworthy can't resist, so he goes for her, leaving the camera on.
With the first chorus, we already get to one of the most amazing parts of this video — Noseworthy and Son-In-Law go to a rave. Okay, maybe it's just supposed to be a club, but it's so ginormous it appears to be in a freakin' airplane hangar, so we're going with rave (there's also further rave evidence later). There are women swinging from ropes of flowers, and many of the partygoers appear to be male extras who have been instructed to more or less stand around and gape at Noseworthy and Son-In-Law.
I can't blame them. These two have both twisted their hair into impromptu dreadlocks. Son-In-Law is wearing some crazy sheer thing, and Noseworthy has on a choker necklace and a shiny jacket. They keep wriggling around on each other, and at one point he pours champagne into her mouth. Allow me to also mention the part where suddenly it's a foam party.
All their frantic making out is a weird counterpoint to JBJ singing really, really slowly.
Noseworthy and Son-In-Law stumble back into her apartment wearing enormous novelty hats — boom! See? I told you it was a rave. Noseworthy is wearing a Mad Hatter type thing, and Son-In-Law has on a like three-foot-high furry Cat-in-the-Hat hat.
She gestures to him to be quiet — Felicity is asleep on the couch! Why? Who knows. I mean, Felicity's wearing a t-shirt and jeans. So is she Son-In-Law's roommate? And she just fell asleep on the couch? I know this seems obvious now, but trust me, later this will be called into question.
Anyway, Felicity decides to turn on the TV since she's awake, and what, what, what?!? Apparently Noseworthy's camcorder is hooked up to the TV in the living room, 'cause Noseworthy and Son-in-Law are getting it on in living color. Felicity appears more amused than repulsed by this, because, you know, it's a metal video. If this weren't a metal video, it'd be either a) a roommate horror story or b) prn, I guess.
The next morning, Noseworthy and Son-In-Law leave, and Son-In-Law kisses Felicity on the cheek all "See you later!" But then as they're leaving, Noseworthy looks back at her and winks, all "See you later." What is up with that wink!? "Yeah I know you saw us getting it on last night"? "I think you liked it"? "I left the camera hooked up on purpose 'cause Son-In-Law is turned on when I casually exploit her"? Who knows.
Anyway, there's a jump in time with the beginning of the second verse, which is the strongest of the song in my book. Noseworthy and Felicity are sitting around, and she's wearing a low-cut top and throwing him the bone eye. It takes him a long moment to realize what's up, but once he does, Noseworthy acts fast.
After a while of watching Bon Jovi sing, we see Son-In-Law come home carrying two bags of groceries. She looks around the apartment but no one's there. We then see that the TV's on (um, why?) and of course, the camcorder's also been left on (here's why).
We see Son-In-Law's bedroom, where Noseworthy's lying on the bed. Felicity walks in with no shirt on (just the ubiquitous-in-the-90s Victoria's Secret Second Skin Satin bra), and Son-In-Law rips off her sunglasses all shocked as she watches it all on the TV.
Noseworthy pulls Felicity to him by her mom jeans, and as they start going at it Son-In-Law runs into the room and throws a sack of groceries at them. I kind of love that she does that — it's like turning a hose on some dogs or something.
Felicity rolls around on the bed while Noseworthy watches Son-In-Law run away down what suddenly appears to be a suburban street. But before we get too far, see, this is what I was talking about before. If Felicity is Son-In-Law's roommate, why the hell were they hooking up in Son-In-Law's bedroom?!? Either a) dang, this really is a roommate horror story, just not the way we thought or b) Felicity is still in the wrong, but she's just a guest.
Son-In-Law trudges through the back alleys of wherever-the-hell-this-is-supposed-to-be, ditching her obligatory it's-the-90s Steve Madden chunky black heels and sitting artfully on a random doorstep in a suddenly-very-urban-looking area (think NYC SoHo). The way she's put up her hair and draped that scarf around herself, it looks like she's about to start doing some ballet.
But Son-In-Law is in luck — who should happen upon her but Colin from 90210!
He offers her his coat and brings her up to his preposterously gigantic loft. I know everyone on TV has apartments that are way, way bigger than people can afford in real life, but his apartment is huge.
Between the giant crappy paintings everywhere and his black mock turtleneck, we quickly learn that Colin from 90210 is an artist. Son-In-Law is way impressed by this. She's quickly seduced as he pours her champagne in seriously the ugliest champagne flutes imaginable. They look like they came from either Big Lots or the SkyMall.
As per the inevitable, during the guitar solo Colin from 90210 paints Son-In-Law. And as per the even more inevitable, he takes off his shirt to do this, prompting her to likewise reveal herself. As the sort of second bridge begins, Son-In-Law wakes up alone in Colin from 90210's absolutely ridiculous Star Trek bed.
Son-In-Law goes and looks at her painting. Aww, he painted her as Alice Cooper! For some reason, this prompts her to call Noseworthy. He comes right over and they begin making out immediamente.
She starts to show him all the weird crap in Colin from 90210's loft, and he quickly finds the painting. I guess he can tell she's topless in it even though it's pretty — well, to be generous we'll say it's pretty abstract.
In any event, Noseworthy goes ballistic. He topples over what appears to be a shopping cart full of art supplies, then throws a speaker while Son-In-Law tries to hold him back.
But nothing can hold Noseworthy back from his final act of destruction — yup, the ugly painting. He stabs the painting repeatedly while Son-In-Law looks on in tears. Once done, he's all smiles, but Son-In-Law just looks at him all teary and does an awesome "talk to the hand."
Now for the most improbable part of the video. And I mean more improbable than all these women letting Jack Noseworthy videotape their sexcapades, more improbable than Colin from 90210 owning that giant apartment, more improbable than Son-In-Law appearing to walk from a favela to the L.A. suburbs to Manhattan. Even more improbable than the fact that it's suddenly night again.
Noseworthy blows up Colin from 90210's loft. Yup. I know. Okay, we don't see him do it, but we do see flames explode out of its windows, and then we see Noseworthy walk out of the building past the firefighters like it's all NBD.
He passes Colin from 90210, who's on his way home and probably wondering WTF happened, and they give each other a long, hard look that says a lot without actual words. But if there were words, they would be... Colin from 90210: "I banged Son-In-Law, and I painted her naked." Noseworthy: "I blew up your apartment. And besides, I still have hours of our sex tapes."
The video concludes back in Noseworthy's apartment. He's still staring at that photo of Son-In-Law when suddenly he sees her, dressed just as she was that day in a slip dress (that for once actually is a slip dress) and a floppy hat.
He walks up to her, but you can already tell from how totally artificial and green his computer-generated shadow is that she's not really there. She dissolves when he reaches out to touch her though, in case you didn't get the idea already.
Morals of this story? Don't let Felicity sleep on your couch. Don't paint strange women you meet on the street lest your Star Trek bed and all your crappy paintings wind up in flames. Don't go to raves, they are hella lame. Or really, the most obvious lesson, and yet one celebrities seem to forget all the time — sex tapes are always a bad idea. Ah-all-ways! (Sing it!)
SAMPLE LYRIC "Come on, kiss me once! / Kiss me twice! / Come on pretty bay-beeee / Kiss me dead-lyyyyyyyyy"
THE VERDICT I want to like Lita Ford. I really, really do. The Runaways kicked so much ass, and deserved so much more than to have their legacy besmirched by a crappy Dakota Fanning vehicle. In the end though, I'm always more drawn to female metal acts that sound, well, more like the Runaways -- think Girlschool, for example.
Lita's just so -- how to put this. Okay. You can either talk about how important it is for women to be taken seriously as musicians, or you can dry-hump your guitar in your videos. But you really can't do both. Lita's a competent vocalist and a talented guitarist, but the ridiculous lengths she goes to in this video to convey some bizarre version of heavy metal sexuality put her on par with an obvious eye-candy group like Femme Fatale.
Anyway. What goes on in this video that I find so unappetizing? Well, really nothing much happens. What does happen is we find Lita playing in I don't even know what. An empty loft space? A parking garage? An enormous meat locker? It's hard to say. Either way, all that's in there are a bunch of large blocks of ice, which in some shots are augmented by a bunch of random small fires. Like I always say, nothing says "this equipment is plugged in" like having the band play in standing water.
It's mostly just Lita singing and playing the song, with frequent clothing changes. When we see a close-up of her face and shoulders, she's wearing a black leather strapless bra top, all the better to show off her shoulder tattoo and half-and-half hair. It's no early George Lynch half-and-half hair, but whatever, it's close enough and it's a good look for her. However, in most of these shots she's making sort of furious porno faces while frantically running her hands through her hair, which is less alluring.
When Lita's furthest away and the rest of her band is there, she puts on more clothes. It's hard to tell because it's not very well-lit (lord knows what the guys are wearing), but she appears to be in a black sleeveless cropped top and very shiny (possibly pleather?) high-waisted black pants.
In her super-close ups, where it's really just her face (though we see the rest of the outfit later), she's really metaled up, notably in a very heavily studded black leather motorcycle jacket. She also puts on a pair of shredded, high-waisted jeans.
Isn't it weird how none of that stuff seemed high-waisted at the time? I mean back in the 80s, no one would have said she was wearing Mom jeans. But to look at her now, it's "omfg mom jeans." They probably come to just below her navel. Toward the end we see some shots of the ripped jeans with the strapless top, so we can assume she's layering.
In the most famous shots though, she's wearing a ridiculous costume that looks like it's straight out of Heavy Metal. She's got on a cropped black tank top, and has layered a very high-waisted black thong over some silver spandex tights. A giant belt with lots of hardware, weird studded kneepads, and black boots further contribute to her sexy-heavy-metal-robot look.
It reminds me of the scene in Wayne's World (I know, I talk about Wayne's World way too much, but whatever) where Wayne goes to find Cassandra at her music video shoot. Wayne complains about how the video is clearly all about showing her in a sexualized light, and when the other members of Crucial Taunt walk by, he says, "Oh, hey guys, didn't see you there." (How could he have missed Marc Ferarri!? Anyway.)
Point is, if Tommy Iommi or Nikki Sixx or Chris Holmes or whoever she was involved with at the time had showed up to this video shoot, the same dialogue could have happened. Yeah, in some of the shots you can see the guys in the band, and sometimes we even see the guitarist or the drummer (who's on a weird moving pedestal) on their own, but barely.
This video is really starring Lita's hair and ass cheeks. I mean I did tell you the other week that I'd help you find the metal videos with side ass, right? It might be covered in spandex here, but this video's got loads of side ass.
And not a lot else, honestly. They backlight the guys so that even when they're on camera, you can only really see their silhouettes. There's more backlighting, plus dry ice fog, when we get close-ups of Lita singing. Occasionally there are random extreme close-ups of the ice -- we see Lita acting like she's going to nuzzle it with her face, then with her butt, and at one point one of the blocks gets hit with a sledgehammer.
I'm not the biggest fan of this song, either. I really like the pre-chorus, which has a great sound, with the guitar motif sort of amping up the vocals ("but I know what I like / I know I like dancing with you"). Most of it though, I can leave. It feels overproduced in a bad way, and very keeping-up-with-the-boys, which is unappetizing. Even though Lita's growls of "it ain't no big thang" have a lovely twang to them, I can't really get past the triteness of most of it.
'Cause like I was saying at the beginning of this post: You can either talk about how important it is for women to be taken seriously as musicians, or you can dry-hump your guitar in your videos. But you really can't do both.
It's hard to be a female musician in any genre, but particularly in male-dominated ones, I know. Hell, it's hard to be a female anything! But to stick with music: It's rough on these gals. People objectify you, people don't think you really play your instruments, people assume you engage in all kinds of sexual debauchery... the list goes on.
I feel like this video is a sort of "Let's get out in front of this" strategy -- in other words, I'm going to be objectified anyway, let me just objectify myself. I don't know how much it works. I mean, if you're in your video mounting your mic stand while dressed as a metal fembot, I don't think viewers (male or female) are going to be thinking to themselves, "My, she's very musically talented." They're probably more likely to, if they think about it, assume the latter ("she must need to distract me from the fact that some male guitarist is really playing this solo", or some BS like that).
And I mean yeah -- it'll get more guys to buy your record. (See Chuck Klosterman's revolting analysis of Lita in his memoir Fargo Rock City -- or don't, it was repulsive enough to convince me to never read another word of his writing regardless of subject.) But here's the thing: Even if in the short term, sexing it up is making it easier for you, it's a) making it harder for other female musicians and b) a crappy strategy in the long run.
Think about it: If you not only play well, but you also tart yourself up a la Femme Fatale, you're basically perpetuating the status quo not only for yourself, but also in that other women musicians are all going to be expected to show a lot of side ass and get freaky with inanimate objects too. And this strategy also entails long-term losses: Watch any history o' metal-type show on Vh-1 or wherever, and you'll find a zillion (male) talking heads reminiscing not about Lita's musical abilities, but about that time she humped an ice cube. SIGH.
The biggest twist to all this: If there's one woman out there who probably doesn't give a shit about all this criticism, it's Lita herself. Read any interview with her. This is a woman who sticks to her guns (sometimes, uh, literally), and has no regrets. While I suppose sticks and stones may break her bones, blog posts like mine definitely won't hurt her.
SAMPLE LYRIC "She-eeee-ulll take you down / she'll take you / she-eeeeeeee-eeel take you ar-ooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww-ouund"
THE VERDICT Oh man, this video cracks me up every time. Seriously y'all, it's the "Simply Irresistible" of heavy metal videos. I know, since they're both from albums from 1988, it's hard to say which came first. But since with "Simply Irresistible" Robert Palmer is really just ripping off his own video ("Addicted to Love"), we're going to go with "She Rides" being the "Simply Irresistible" of metal, as opposed to "Simply Irresistible" being the "She Rides" of um... uh... whatever you'd describe Robert Palmer as. If I had to guess, I'd say "Simply Irresistible" had about at least a dozen times the budget of "She Rides," but it's good to know that no matter how much money you have, you still can't find models with rhythm.
Let us count the reasons this video is amazing. We will start with the dancing chick whose ass dominates the screen for a fair chunk of the video. One of the many, many things that makes watching old videos (well, old anything really) amazing is how much they let you see how beauty standards have changed. For one, it looks like she did her own makeup. But crazy hair color aside, what's amazing about this main woman (there are other gals in the video but we see her the best) is how natural she is. She doesn't look especially young, she's rocking an A-cup, and she's trim but not toned. Nor have they oiled her up or anything like that (possibly they didn't have an oil budget for this video).
Also interesting are her assortment of tattoos. I feel like in 1988 this video probably was like "OMG it's the painted lady." Now? At least in some parts of San Diego, it's hard to find women who don't have sleeves. Or think of that racist weirdo (from San Diego, natch) that Jesse James got himself involved with. This lady's tattoos are downright tasteful -- I mean, she could put on clothes and have them all covered. Times have changed.
Speaking of clothes and times changing, let's also mention what she is wearing, and how it is the skimpiest and most intensely high-waisted thong ever. Though they had not yet penetrated the mainstream, Brazilian waxes appear to have been alive and well in 1988. Based on the way this woman dances like this is the most boring thing she's ever done (if you look closely, you can see her calculating like how much she'll have to pay the babysitter if the video shoot runs long) and is able to keep the rhythm (unlike the gal by the drums), we're going to conjecture she's had some professional experience.
Reason #2 this video is amazing: Danzig himself, of course. We mostly see him in extreme close-ups that don't even show his whole face, and the whole time he is bobbing up and down in time with the music. I may be going out on a limb here, but I'm thinking it's meant to imply that Danzig is actually getting it on the whole time. If this is true, we have learned that Danzig is at once industrious and indifferent. I mean, he's plugging away there, but his attempts at acting smoldering come off as boredom.
Even more amazing are Danzig's interactions with the women in this video, because try as they might to make him seem man-size, he is a tiny little dude. The main woman in the video looks to be on the tall side -- admittedly, it could be that she's skinny, but to me she looks more like she's 5'8" and 120 pounds than 5'2" and like, 80 pounds. Put her in the same shot as Danzig -- either he's standing on a box or she's kneeling. I'm not sure which it is, but since he's about 5'2", if she were actually as short as they're making her look here, she'd have to be about 4'10", which is the cut-off for being considered a dwarf (look out, Snooki).
The other two women in the video who interact with Danzig we mostly see as pairs of hands, and oh, what hands. The curly-haired gal has on terrifying fake nails, and when she's stroking Danzig's back (apparently being as shocked by his tramp stamp as I was the first time I saw this video) we can reach one of two conclusions. Either she is in possession of gigantic Abraham Lincoln hands, or Danzig is tiny. Similarly, when the other woman strokes first his face, then his bicep, to put it in size terms wrestling fans will understand, it looks like the Great Khali mixing it up with Rey Mysterio. Danzig is itty-bitty!
What else is amazing? Um, the rest of Danzig, and how they completely ignore these women, no matter how close they get to them. John Christ mostly has legs superimposed next to him, so I guess it's okay that he doesn't even bother flipping his hair out of his eyes to look over there. But Chuck Biscuits appears to have a real live lady dancing right next to him for basically the entire video, and he doesn't look even a little bit. Only Danzig seems to want to get his chest hair stroked by them.
Which brings us to the fourth amazing aspect of this video, which we can consider #4, or we can call 2B -- the sensuous Danzig. Seriously, when he has the long creepy nails stroking his chained hands, make sure you don't have any liquids in your mouth, because you will spit them at whatever screen you're watching it on. And oh goodness, the Spiderman kiss at the end is unbearable. I feel like Danzig is in on the joke, but still. It's just. Too. Much.
Because really, this is the weird thing about Danzig. He is kind of hot. I mean, not the chest hair. But oftentimes I've looked at the unquestionably hot John Morrison (I know, I can't seem to stop talking about wrestling) and thought "Dang, he looks like Glenn Danzig." The whole point of John Morrison is that he's supposed to look like Jim Morrison, but I'll be damned if Glenn Danzig doesn't look a little bit like a short, ripped Jim Morrison with a weird haircut. Maybe the rest of the Doors should call him next.
I submit, for your edification, a side by side comparison: (L-R) John Morrison, Glenn Danzig, Jim Morrison
SAMPLE LYRIC "Girls! Girls! Girls! / Long legs and burgundy lips! / Girls! Girls! Girls! / Dancin' down on the Sunset Strip"
THE VERDICTGirls, Girls, Girls is definitely not my favorite Mötley Crüe album. It all feels a bit forced, like Vince Neil wearing frosted pink lipstick during Theatre of Pain threatened their male fanbase soo much that now they have to go as far the other way as possible, with strippers, motorcycles, and the beginnings of what will soon be all-out tattoo bonanzas on Nikki Sixx and Tommy Lee. Boo!
On the other hand, people always say to "write what you know" and "do what you love" and so on, so it's not entirely surprising that the Crüe would write an ode to strip clubs. If you've ever read The Dirt or really even just seen an interview with any member of the band (or okay, any member of the band who isn't Mick Mars), you know that the Crüe are really into boobs and performative sex.
I was, as per the internet, only able to come up with the NSFW version of this video (or I guess really the NSFMTV version). It's really not that different from the original though -- more ass-only shots, thongs, toplessness toward the end. It merely underscores how all of these women would not be strippers today -- there's hardly an implant in sight (okay, there's one woman I find suspicious), a bunch of them aren't that young, and in general, they're wayyy more natural.
I'm actually thinking there's possibly more than one NSFW version of this video. The one I've been watching to write this post has a lot of topless women actually dancing around Vince, who's sitting in a backward-facing chair on the stage. I feel like though I've seen another one where the black-and-white canned footage of Nikki at the end has topless women superimposed next to it. You never know, I could be wrong. I spend so much time watching them that I've been known to have oddly specific dreams about heavy metal videos that don't really exist.
Actually there's one other thing that's different about it -- if you've seen the MTV version, you'll see that almost no money is exchanged. In the uncut version, the strippers often have cash stuffed in their various, uh, garments. It's interesting that MTV was like having exotic dancers is okay, but demonstrating that it's a monetary transaction is a no-no. What, do they really think that'll take this down to the level of Club MTV?
This video is basically like Flashdance meets the Robin Byrd Show. If you've ever lived in New York City, you freakin' know who Robin Byrd is, don't pretend. Okay, for those who don't, she's an often fairly out-of-it adult entertainer who interviews strippers and porn stars, and lets them do a little dance (frequently set to bad early '90s club music and with a backdrop reminiscent of You Can't Do That on Television). They mostly run reruns, so a lot of her guests are from around this time, or a little later. In general, the whole thing is only slightly more salacious than what you see here (there's some mild fondling and the occasional pantomimed sex act) -- at the same time though, if I were you, I wouldn't click on any of the links in this paragraph if I were at work.
At the same time, this video is totally like Flashdance, a movie whose premise has always struck me as ridiculous. What, that a welder-by-day and dancer-by-night might realize her dreams of being a ballerina? Ummm noooo, the idea that the patrons of a dive bar like Mawby's really sit through a bunch of costumed modern dance routines without heckling the dancers to take off their tops. They even underscore this with the scene when Jennifer Beals' failed figure skater friend becomes a stripper, and they're all like, "no no, that's much too degrading. It's nothing like what we do every night."
In any event, the costumes in this video are very Flashdance, especially the girl in the sort of well, Mötley Crüe-esque costume who tears her fishnets and crawls around on the floor. If she'd just kept her top on, this would pretty much be a scene from Flashdance.
The other thing I find deeply amusing about this video is how the Crüe have created sort of an ideal typical strip club. If you aren't familiar with the concept of an ideal type, it comes from the sociologist Max Weber. The gist of it is that the ideal type of something is the perfect concept of how something would be. This isn't in the sense of perfect or ideal in that it's necessarily good or somehow best, it's more that it has all of the attributes that we would expect something to have. A key point about ideal types is that they don't really exist out in the world, they merely exist as reference points for generating theory. Oh, also they exist in heavy metal music videos.
Weber uses this to talk about things like the state and bureaucracy, but Mötley Crüe here extend the idea to the strip club. They've created a seedy looking place where the dancers are enthusiastic, and all of the male patrons can share in the ogling good times to be had. The Harley-riding bad boys of Mötley Crüe can sit side by side with the trucker and the businessman. The young and the old, the affluent and the working class stiff, all can share in the Crüe's strippertopian vision. Tommy and Nikki even joke around with some of the other patrons, showing themselves to be men of the (male) people.
Only Mick seems -- not unexpectedly -- more or less immune to the strippers' charms. He raises his sunglasses once, but otherwise he plays the solo in the Seventh Veil's dressing room without peeling his eyes away from his guitar even once. He is probably trying to figure out which of the strippers are really aliens or pod people or some such.
The other thing that's a bit genius about this song is the shout-outs the Crue give to all these real strip clubs of the world -- the Sunset Strip's (now defunct) Tropicana and (the very much still there) Body Shop, Vancouver's Marble Arch, the Crazy Horse in Paris (umm is that where Rusty gets caught in European Vacation?). They even show Thee Doll House (actually in Miami, but they needed to rhyme it with Tattletales), with a couple of genuinely gorgeous women hanging around in front (most of the video is shot at the Seventh Veil, in case you didn't notice the vaguely Middle Eastern-looking bar area). If they ever had to pay for drinks or lap dances at those places before, well, we can assume they never had to again. Plus, as long as those clubs stayed in business, the Crüe are more or less guaranteed that they'll have to play this song at least once an hour.
At the same time though, if you've again, ever seen an interview with the Crüe, read or heard anything about them really, you know that even women who weren't professional sex workers had a lot of trouble keeping their tops on around them in the 80s. Why would they even bother with strip clubs? Maybe they really like hot wings. Yeah, come to think, I could totally see Tommy being really into hot wings.
SAMPLE LYRIC "Ohhhhhhh / I jest got ta beeee / up hii-iiiiigh where the whole world's watchin' meeee / 'cause I / I got the guts to be somebody / I! / wanna be somebody, be somebody soon / I wanna be somebody, be somebody SOON!"
THE VERDICT There are so many awesome things going on in this video I don't know where to start. I know, haters will always hear the title for this song and say something along the lines of, "well, I see that didn't happen," but for me W.A.S.P. are total freakin' rock stars in this video. Minus women in bondage, it's basically every element of W.A.S.P. distilled into one video. Oh and plus a skeleton hand opening the door that for some reason W.A.S.P. is playing right behind.
Let's begin with the outfits, because even if W.A.S.P. has in my opinion an amazing sound, their look is what really hits you over the head. Seriously, if this album came out now, they'd be opening for Lady GaGa. Blackie Lawless has his crazy white streaks in his hair, his circular saw cuffs, and ridiculously high-heeled boots on. Randy Piper is also in heeled boots which are thigh-high, and attached to some kind of leather panty by full-size chains. I mean really W.A.S.P. Really. You have out-KISSed KISS with that one.
Chris Holmes is dressed the most normally (all black leather, chains across chest), and honestly we don't see drummer Tony Richards stand up really at all in this video so I don't know what he's wearing (except a lot of eyeliner). But whatever, Blackie and Randy's outfits are more than enough for me.
Now we move on to the set, which is vaguely similar to the arrangement they have going on their album cover. The guitarists are all arrayed on these long platforms, with torches set up in between them and dry ice smoke everywhere. At various points they jump from platform to platform. Blackie in particular really gets some serious vertical, which is impressive given that he's a quite tall man who is also wearing quite tall heels.
They all also straddle multiple platforms at various times, which is awesome. I feel like W.A.S.P. spend a lot of time figuring out how they'll look cool standing. I mean when Blackie gets up on the middle platform with his legs splayed and knees bent, he really looks like some kind of bad ass demon. Somehow the high heels give the impression of him being a satyr (i.e. having goat legs).
When they aren't on set, we get these little sequences that imply W.A.S.P. (or at least the better-known members there of) lead an awesome, rock star lifestyle (remember, this is a few years before Decline II came out, so we can just ignore the whole dark side of that for now). Chris Holmes is seen standing astride several bikers' Harleys, pouring beer into his mouth, and spitting it out everywhere.
Blackie gets an even cooler sequence, acting out the "I want shiny cars / and dirty mon-ay" lyrics (though this part of the video is especially hard to see). He's in the back of a limo with a bunch of blonde women, who are all throwing piles of money around. Blackie (who I should also mention is wearing giant 70s-style sunglasses) swigs from a bottle of champage and also spits it out everywhere. And people think "Space Lord" was the first metal video to showcase living large!
The video also features a getting-to-know-you sequence at the end, which I love. We see photos of each band member float toward the camera. Interestingly, they let guitarist Chris go last -- I feel like every other one of these I can think of, the lead singer gets to go last.
W.A.S.P. finish off the video with complete awesomeness (and also elements of their stage show). Blackie lights the ring around the W.A.S.P. logo on fire, and then proceeds to headbang in just a perfect, textbook circle. Honestly, it's got to kill his neck, but it looks unbelievably great. He then finishes things off by lifting a skull above his head, and then dumping a bunch of blood from it onto his face (and into his open mouth). It really doesn't get much more badass than this.
My one complaint? Seriously, I don't know what is going on with the camera in this video. At some points, the band appears to be being filmed through chicken wire; at other times, a fishnet stocking. Sometimes it reminds me of those little looking glasses they sell at museum shops where you can see how insects see, with like all those tiny little facets of glass. Honestly since it's W.A.S.P., part of me is like "Chris Holmes probably threw a beer at the camera, and they didn't bother to clean it off, knowing he'd just throw another one." But honestly, the camera's not helping the legibility of this video (which it's im-frickin'-possible to find a decent copy of anywhere).
But getting back to the good stuff, let me also mention this is a great song. Yes, I do feel like they kind of just reworked the guitar solo in this song for "Wild Child," but whatever, that's also a great song. I just realized in retrospect this is my second week in a row doing an inspirational song -- okay, this song isn't inspirational per se, but it is certainly aspirational. I mean, I do wanna be somebody, be somebody soon. I mean I guess I don't want the "nine to five" but in a technical sense my dissertation will likely work my "fingers to the bone," so I don't know. All I do know is Blackie Lawless + great costumes + fire + money + Chris Holmes + booze + skeletons = awesome.
If you found this page, surely you can complete that Cinderella lyric. This is a website I lovingly maintained off and on from around 2005 to around 2011.
Broken links abound, as do references to failed relationships. And I haven’t checked the email address related to this account in probably eight years, though I had some kickass correspondents back when I kept it up.
Also yeah, back when I started this, you could barely find these anywhere outside of VH1 Classic and old VHS tapes... now I'm going through and adding the actual YouTube videos, since it's the future and all the videos are belong to us.
