Monster Magnet, "Space Lord"

I'm in Vegas, B*tch!  

THE VIDEO Monster Magnet, "Space Lord," Powertrip, 1998, A&M SAMPLE LYRIC "Well I sing ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh / Space lord mother mother! / Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh / Space lord mother mother!"

THE VERDICT I know. This video is from nineteen-ninety-freakin'-eight. It's well outside the purview of Headbanger's Ball (which met its maker three years prior). Not only that, it has the ignominious distinction of having been the first video ever played on TRL. (Not that that kind of popularity is always a bad thing — I mean, think how many videos I've featured were really popular on Dial MTV back in the day! 'Memba that one?) 

So why am I do doing this? Welllll, because I'm getting married in fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada, and this was the only metal (or even metal-ish) video I could come up with that is in Vegas. Which is weird when you think about it, given how many music videos take place in Vegas. Rock videos, pop videos, pop-rap videos — in terms of U.S. cities, it probably comes in third, after L.A. and New York (the only possible contender I can even think of for third place would be Miami, or like if you counted Brooklyn videos separately from Manhattan ones). 

Anyway. This video is pretty beloved, but everyone seems to forget Monster Magnet pulled this trick not once but twice — "Powertrip" is more or less the same idea, using slightly different hip-hop video conventions (inflated suits, tunnels). I think it's mainly that this one was such a surprise at the time, especially because of how it starts out.

 

I mean, before things really get going, this video plays not only with the conventions of hip-hop videos of the time, but also of dark/nu metal videos. I mean, the whole first verse, when the music's still pretty quiet, could be from any of a number of videos, with the faces coming in and out of the light, and all the fog flying around, and of course the super-wrinkly old people (hello, "The Unforgiven," I'm looking at you). I think the skinny kid with "Mother" written on his chest is a nod at "Jeremy," just like, while they're at it. 

You just have to kind of ignore the fact that if you're paying attention, Dave Wyndorf is already wearing a big ol' chain and a purple vinyl suit. (While you're at it, ignore the guitarist's raver attire, with the big pigtail buns and giant sunglasses, even if it kind of reminds me of Edge and Christian. Late 90s fashion was baaad. For real, no nostalgia there.) 

But dang, when suddenly the black backdrop falls down behind them and you really see Dave's suit, you have to admit it's pretty freakin' badass. Not to mention all the dancers. I feel like nowadays you'd expect them to be more implant-y and dressed more provocatively, but they are totally correct for the time, with their monochrome metallic getups. 

In fact, they're basically the exact outfits worn in Ma$e's video for "Feel So Good," which this video grabs almost all its shots from. It's actually kind of amazing how exactly they recreate parts of it. The biggest difference is Ma$e has more girls throwing around money, and he actually gets to shoot inside the casino. 

So where are they in this video? Same as Ma$e — Monster Magnet aren't on the Strip. By relocating to Fremont Street and the Plaza, they've gotten a hotel that's willing to scroll their band's name on its marquee (and let them shoot off a ton of pyro), so we can't knock 'em for that. It also gives them this cool ceiling-of-lights thing to shoot under, so I like that. You can't imitate the Hype Williams style without a lot of lights and a fisheye lens. I enjoy Dave's lightbulb-covered suit as well. Especially the fact that you can visibly see where it's plugged in. Any shots where you can see his legs, you can also see the cord.

 

Okay ew, the part where Twiggy from Marilyn Manson is suddenly there, no thanks. Sorry, but I am just not a Manson fan. But I appreciate that it was critical that they include a sequence in the video where Dave drives a Pontiac Firebird down a street where it looks like it just finished raining, accentuating all the lights. Again, it's just Fremont, not the Strip, but it still looks good. You've got to appreciate the old Vegas, not just the new stuff. 

I also enjoy though that they aren't even driving on a road — I'm pretty sure this is enclosed now, as part of the Fremont Street Experience (it actually already might have been at the time this was shot, they just aren't lighting the 'ceiling'). So this video has a bigger budget than its non-Strip location might make one think — given that there aren't people gawking at them from the slot machines, Monster Magnet actually closed off like, all of Fremont to make this video happen. 

My guess is they're filming in the middle of the night, but still. Everything in Vegas is open 24 hours, and so there are probably people who want to be in whatever place you're trying to shoot your video 24 hours a day too. 

So given what we've seen in this video, am I going to be cavorting with dancers, wearing crazy suits, making it rain? Umm, no, pretty much the opposite. I'm stoked to see my friends, but as I've said in previous weeks, weddings are awful, kids. Trust me on this one. 

P.S.: I totally realize that the biggest event in metal this week has been the untimely death of Jani Lane. But I have had these wedding-related posts planned out forever, so I'm sorry, but I have to go through with it. Post-wed, it's Jani tribute time all the way.

Tesla, "Need Your Lovin'"

Too Soon?  

THE VIDEO Tesla, "Need Your Lovin'", Bust a Nut, 1994, Geffen 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Ooh, I need your lovin' / without you baby, love don't mean nothin' / ooooh I need you lovin' / 'sgot to be your lovin' or nothin'!" 

THE VERDICT This clip was recommended to me by a faithful reader (they exist!) and let me say, what a recommendation. As he mentioned, I don't think MTV ever bothered to air this one, though this kind of tongue-in-cheek stuff is totally the bread and butter of Vh1 Classic. 

Why wouldn't MTV have liked this? (I mean besides because they were too busy playing "The Sign" and crap from the Reality Bites soundtrack.) Well because Tesla — who we all know are a real "were they ever really metal or did they just get painted with that brush because of the long hair" kind of band — are doing it up right here with a send-up of all the cliches of heavy metal videos. 

Yes, you heard me right. It's a meta-video. (Cut to me salivating a la Homer Simpson over doughnuts — actually this is more or less how I react to doughnuts myself, but anyway.) Anyway, the whole video is Tesla demonstrating — with snarky labels — all of the stereotypical shots of heavy metal videos! 

Let's play along, shall we? I'll take you through the highlights. By which I mean ALL OF IT. Prepare for a seriously lengthy post, people! 

The Black and White with the Color Blue Left In Shot: Dude! I talk about this all the time! I would have to call this "The Kim Anderson Shot"— but remember, I don't mean the gal from the "Girlschool" video, I mean the woman who takes the weird black and white photos of toddlers in old-timey clothes and colors in just parts of them (e.g., coloring the roses pink). 

We can think of about a zillion videos that are offenders in this department, but what comes to mind right away for me are "The Hunter" (Dokken), "Headed for a Heartbreak" (Winger), and "Don't Close Your Eyes" (Kix). 

The 80s Power Rock Shot: All they've done for this one is added a wall of Marshall amps behind them, but it gets the point across. The obvious referent here is actually to the reference to this cliche in This is Spinal Tap (though also think in "Bitch School" when Nigel Tufnel plays a guitar made to look like a Marshall amp in front of a gigantic Marshall amp). 

But obviously, the reference has to have a referent, so let's think about something like the Vinnie Vincent Invasion's "Boyz Are Gonna Rock."

 

The Blown-Out Color Shot: Here we see Tesla with the contrast levels upped, so that colors appear distortedly bright and whites are eye-popping. Tesla are quick with this one, 'cause I think of it as not really coming into play until the '90s. It's also probably more popular in non-metal videos than in metal videos. Nonetheless, Faster Pussycat's cover of "You're So Vain"? L.A. Guns' "Ballad of Jayne"? For both of those, the entire video is shot in this style! 

The GEE! How'd They Do THAT Shot: For this, we see Tesla superimposed upon a lightning-filled sky, but think of really anything absurd that happens in an 80s video involving "special" effects. Dokken standing in front of chains that explode in "Breaking the Chains" comes to mind, as does the evil future robot queen shooting lasers in Queensryche's "Queen of the Reich." 

The TV Shot from a TV Shot: This sounds more complicated than it is — basically, it's filming a television, so the colors look all weird and there are those little lines across it. Guns N' Roses are the primary offenders in this category. They use this to great effect in "Welcome to the Jungle," but then in "Patience" they go all meta, with Axl watching Axl on TV watch Axl on TV. 

The Performance in an Open Field for No Reason Shot: This is another visual cliche that I associate less with heavy metal videos and actually more with alternative videos (think the shots of the band in "Black Hole Sun" or "No Rain"). 

Still, metal videos are full of "what is the band doing there stuff." For some reason, a couple of thrash examples come to mind. Sepultura's "Territory" video — WTF is the band doing in that mud pit? I mean I guess it looks cool, but I don't know, it's always seemed kind of awkward to me. The other example — even though it's a badass video — is Slayer's "Seasons in the Abyss." WTF are they doing at the pyramids! It never ceases to shock and amaze me that Slayer were given the budget to shoot a video in Egypt. Visually impressive? Yes. Necessary? Uhhh. 

Thee Beauty Shot: This one cracks me up every time — I love the pretentious extra "e" on it. Ultra-close-ups of the hawt lead singer's face are again, pretty common to all videos, but come on! What heavy metal power ballad video doesn't offend in this department? 

Think of "18 and Life" or "I Remember You" — Sebastian Bach looks freakin' candlelit. Or "I Saw Red" or "Heaven." Like half of what happens in those videos is Jani Lane singing soulfully to the camera from about 6 inches in front of it. Mike Tramp is the other obvious offender. "When the Children Cry" shows more close-ups of his baby face than it does of any actual babies!

 

Babes for No Reason Shot: Again, this is more or less every shot of many videos! But the way they show it here, which is just that there are porn-star-lookin' women pawing the band while they play, brings a couple of specific videos to mind. Danzig's "She Rides" for sure — the band seems fully oblivious to the women's presence, but it's the same idea. 

The other types of videos that are really guilty of this are those that use the "hanging out watching the boys play" motif. Think Great White's "Once Bitten, Twice Shy," where Bobbie Brown and all her galpals sit around watching Jack White wheeze that one out. 

Gratuitous Sex Shot: It's true, it's true! But this is what gets a lot of readers to this site, sorry to say. I would sum this shot up as "There Will Be Boobs." With the red halter top and the white background here, Tesla are definitely channeling Warrant's "Cherry Pie." 

The Artsie Fartsie Shot: This is another one where if they're thinking just about metal videos, they're gunning for a specific one. With the luminous colors, weird lighting, and inexplicable wind blowing through Jeff Keith's hair, they're clearly calling out Queensryche's "Silent Lucidity." 

The Fix the Damn Light Shot: Okay I relate to this one WAY too much! This is exactly what I was talking about last week with "Foreclosure of a Dream" — the darkness, then spotlights, then suddenly everything's so bright you can't see a darn thing is so overdone in metal videos! 

It's kind of hard to think of videos that don't incorporate spotlights. Tesla takes this even further by setting this part of the video in exactly the kind of random, empty metal warehouse favored by this kind of video (viz. Saxon's "Ride Like the Wind"). 

Babe Struts Past Old-Timer: If the sight of Tesla rolling up to a rural gas station in a classic car doesn't make you laugh, this may not be the site for you. Seriously. This whole sequence is hilarious and amazing. 

I think they are trying to call out Aerosmith's "Crazy" here (though the timing is a little tight), but plenty of metal videos exploit the men-looking-at-hot-women-in-hot-cars thing. "Blondes in Black Cars" and "Hot Love" come to mind right away. You also see a variant of this in Cinderella's "Coming Home," where it's a hot guy coming up to a rural gas station and being noticed by a woman working there. Tesla helpfully point out that this should be shot from a "low angle for largeness." 

Sensuous Open Mouth Shot: This is yet another where it's like pretty much any video we can name that has women in it will fit. I also like that apparently Tesla spell "booty" with an ie. Don't worry, it's a shot of a woman's butt, not a baby's sock (bootie). 

Boy Lust Shot: Continuing the sequence at the gas station, this might be the most amazing part of this video — Tesla calling out the inevitable shots of the men in the band gaping at the women in the video as if to be like, "It's okay viewer. We're feelin' it too." Bon Jovi's antics in "In and Out of Love" are a terrific example of this. 

The Money Shot: Ew, no! It's just the hot gas station lady pouring a bucket of water on herself. But be real, Tesla didn't make this one up. 

Who else gets water poured on them in heavy metal videos? One of the gals in Great White's "Stick It" pours a coffee pot full of water over herself. Bobbie Brown gets it with a firehose in "Cherry Pie." And literally every woman in KISS' "Who Wants to Be Lonely?" gets drenched in water. 

I enjoy that Tesla clarify that this is money literally — "increased record sales." Not to mention my increased site hits from people who think they might find boobs here. 

Spooky Skull and Snake Ritual Shot: I like this, 'cause it's more of a throwback to the older stuff. All the candelabras (not to mention the snake!) remind me of GNR's "Patience," though I think we're meant more to be reminded of early W.A.S.P. or Mötley Crüe. 

It's a Hard Life on the Road Shot: I want to hug them for this one, which let's remember I identified as a cliche of power ballad videos back when I wrote about "Home Sweet Home." Tesla does this just right with the sequence of shots: Through the windshield looking at the road ahead, random shot of the driver, shots of the band on the bus.

 

The Classic Off the Tour Bus Shot: Ditto this one! Think the Scorpions' "I'm Leaving You" or Ratt's "Wanted Man" or W.A.S.P.'s "Blind in Texas" or any of the other ten zillion heavy metal videos that show the the band members disembarking from the tour bus one by one. 

The Walking Down an Empty Road for No Reason Shot: "Heaven" and "Little Fighter" for sure! I feel like I wouldn't have necessarily come up with this one on my own, but it's a good one. I like it for the whole "act like you don't care thing." 

It reminds me of the South Park where Cartman starts a Christian rock group and uses a similar thought process to art direct their album cover (can I mention if you haven't seen this episode that it also "features" Metallica). 

A couple of these I identified with less. Cliches of music videos, sure. But cliches from metal videos? Not so much. 

"The Performance Against White Background Shot" and the "Let's STRETCH the Artist Shot" are familiar, but not from metal videos. And Tesla don't call themselves out on another shot that they use throughout this video — "The Black and White Behind-the-Scenes Shot." 

Come on guys, you know this one! Everyone sitting around backstage, jamming on acoustic guitars and hamming it up with each other? Shooting it in black and white instead of color to emphasize that they band are just "regular guys" and totally down to earth. We might also call this "The You Could Have a Beer With Us Shot," and Tesla are totally guilty of abusing it in this video. 

They're even upping the ante on it, 'cause this looks like it's one of the band member's rec room or something. I mean sure, it's meant to contrast with the contrived nature of the other scenes in the video. Tesla play this up not only with all the different shots, but also by showing things like the makeup artist touching up the band, or a crew member using a light meter to check a shot. 

The thing is though — it's too late! They've already pulled back the curtain! You can't just reveal every cliche of heavy metal videos and then act like "No, this really is just us in Tommy Skeoch's garage." We all know the garage stuff is every bit as fake as the other stuff. 

I also want to mention that everyone in Tesla looks sort of... wet? I want to say wet, even though they aren't covered in water. But something about Tesla in the 90s looks like Tesla in the 80s after getting locked out of the house in a bad rainstorm. 

Everyone looks very grumpy and has very flat hair. And Troy Luccketta doesn't have that badass mullet anymore! He's traded it in for a goatee look that's much more run of the mill. Also Jeff Keith appears to have lost weight, if that's even humanly possible. He looks like an even-skinnier Carly Simon. 

Despite the '90s not appearing to treat Tesla well, this is a great video. I mean one, it's a genius concept, and much more well-executed than most other parody videos. It helps give a little something extra to the song, which while serviceable doesn't stand out among Tesla songs of this ilk. 

But two, this video has been so good to me! I mean it's like a video that keeps on giving, in that every moment in it reminds me of like, ten other videos. It's a free-association bonanza! And if it's not clear, if there's one thing I love (besides metal) it's free-associating. And free-associating about metal? Come on, does it get better than that?

Spinal Tap, "Bitch School"

The Majesty of Schlock

THE VIDEO Spinal Tap, "Bitch School," Break Like the Wind, 1992, MCA

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "It's time to give the whip a crack / I'm gonna have to send you back / to bitch schoooool! / bitch schooooool!"

THE VERDICT That post about "Girlschool" last week put me in mind of this video, which let's face it, isn't all that different. This is the genius of Spinal Tap: It's a parody that goes so far around the bend in being a parody that it basically comes all the way back and is the real thing. I could turn this into some kind of crazy Baudrillard simulation/simulacra/simulacrum thing, but I'll spare us. Suffice to say, they totally put the rather excellent "Big Bottom" on The Heavy Metal Box box set from a couple years back.

The concept of this video is literally the same as that of the Britny Fox one last week: "The whole video takes place in an all girls' school." Pretty much the biggest difference is that the teacher is a sort of Marilyn Monroe lookalike in S&M gear as opposed to a husky harridan. I guess also the girls go from being out of control to being under control rather than vice versa. And the band jumps into the classroom rather than having the classroom wall appear to drop away, implying that of the two this video actually had the higher budget.

While Britny Fox's video is sort of funnyish -- there's the whole thing with the janitor, and the teacher getting all flustered -- what really separates the Spinal Tap video are the segments that are explicitly meant to be humorous. So one of the times they all leap into a new set, Michael McKean -- I mean, David St. Hubbins -- winds up stuck outdoors. And the sexy teacher bites through chalk as well as lipstick -- possibly I should incorporate this into my classroom repertoire to bring my students in line.



None the less, the more I watch this video, the less different it is from other heavy metal videos that take place in schools. I mean think about it: Scantily clad women doing weird aerobic workouts? Why yes, just like in Kix's "Body Talk." Catholic school girls out of control? Uh-huh, just like in "Girlschool" from Britny Fox, which we looked at last week. Sexy teacher shown walking through a crowded classroom from behind? The exact same shot is in Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher." Nigel Tufnel plays a guitar made of Marshall amps in front of a giant stack of Marshall amps? The real metal guys just wish they'd thought of that one.

You could make the argument that the song is too silly to be taken seriously as a "real" metal song. Okay, sure -- the whole thing is a long metaphor about dog training (did it help give Christopher Guest the idea for Best in Show? Um, I totally hope so). On the one hand, degrading to women -- on the other hand, easy to claim it was a song about a dog (though I guess the video makes it a little tougher).

Does this sound familiar to anyone? It should, if you've ever heard Axl Rose explain the Guns N Roses song "Used to Love Her" -- a.k.a. "I used to love her, but I had to kill her." With all the stuff about how he can still hear her complain, and she's buried in the backyard, and blablabla. And when actual people did complain, what rationale did Rose use to explain his lyrical artistry? It was a song about his dog.



This is why Spinal Tap keeps coming back every ten years or so: Because there are all these little ridiculous things just littered all around the metal landscape, just waiting for someone to pick them up and realize they are hilarious. And I don't mean one of those idiot talking heads on Vh-1 -- don't even get me started on them. Seriously. Don't. Even. Get. Me. Started.

What credential does some bimbo from HGTV have to be talking about metal? Or most of those stand-up comedians? Or anyone whose claim to fame is being a contestant on a Vh-1 reality show? Puh-leeze. That should be me up there people. That. Should. Be. Me. I know way more about metal than any of those idiots with the exception of Eddie Trunk and come on -- I am way easier on the eyes than Eddie Trunk. Trust me.

Okay, okay, okay. Back on track. Let's just say Tap rules. Allmusic is always all "well they're parody songs, so you can only listen to them so many times," but I say not so. They're pretty well done and eminently listenable. I mean sure, a song like "Sex Farm" is no "Cherry Pie," but it's a hell of a lot better than something like "The Lumberjack" (if we're going to stick with all songs that are silly metaphors for sex). In other words, Spinal Tap are a more competent metal band than, well, more than a few real metal bands.

Beastie Boys, "No Sleep 'Til Brooklyn"

Baby I'm Not Fa-fa-fa-foolin'

THE VIDEO Beastie Boys, "No Sleep 'Til Brooklyn," Licensed to Ill 1987, Def Jam

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "No sleep 'til / Brook-lynnnnn / No sleep 'til / Brook-lynnnnn / No! Sleep! 'Til Brooklyn! / (Brook-lynnnnnnnnnnnn!)"

THE VERDICT Yes, I'm switching the site to an all rap-rock theme, and starting off strong with the Beastie Boys. Of course, things will rapidly go downhill after this, what with Limp Bizkit, Kid Rock, Linkin Park if they count, and whoever else is foolhardy enough to try blending rock and rap without the assistance of Rick Rubin. Sure all my posts will be scathingly negative, but that shouldn't get too repetitive, right?

Okay, okay. April Fools! Obviously I would never change the format of this blog. But in the spirit of the first of April, I decided to do something a bit different. Obviously, "No Sleep Till Brooklyn" is not a heavy metal video. It is, however, a pretty decent parody of one! So in honor of all this April Foolery, here we are.

I've heard various of the Beastie Boys comment that this video was inspired by situations they would actually come across as a bunch of white guys trying to play club gigs. In the video, they show up at a club and tell the manager they're the band. When he asks where their instruments are, Ad-Rock produces a record, which the manager promptly breaks over his head. They leave, but a few minutes later, return dressed as a heavy metal band (with exaggerated British and Californian accents) and are promptly ushered onstage.



Their fake metal costumes are pretty good. MCA is wearing a giant Vince Neil-looking blonde wig, though the rest of his outfit is more Tommy. Ad-Rock is more or less dressed as Theatre of Pain-era Nikki Sixx, with a Nikki-style wig, red and black leather pants, and a black and white zebra-striped fringed jacket. Mike D wins though. In addition to a pouffy Twisted Sister-style wig, he's straight up wearing a knight's armor for a very Armored Saint kind of look. He quickly collapses under its weight.

A security guard fails to hold back the four or so female fans (dressed in black, animal prints, and pink as per heavy metal video regulations circa 1987), and they run onstage and grab, among other things, Ad-Rock's wig. They then promptly disrobe all of the Boys, leading to the transition out of their metal outfits. (An especially crafty gal uses a can opener on Mike D -- helpful hint for all you Armored Saint and Grim Reaper fans out there.) The women run off stage with the clothes -- probably happy that since it's 1987, it's all stuff they can wear -- and the Beasties continue rhyming onstage in their underwear. Soon enough though, they've got their clothes on. This infuriates the club owner.

In a sequence that they surely meant to be symbolic, Ad-rock takes an ax to their stack of Marshall amps, Mike D smashes a guitar, and late MCA machine guns the amps for good measure. Yes, we've broken away from the conventions of rock. But have we? 'Cause next thing you know, a blonde who looks and dances very much like the dancing gal from Danzig's "Mother" shows up, dancing around in a silver bra and a very bizarre sort of high-waisted, sumo wrestling-looking belt thing that has a long, silver train.

Because yes -- if you're a youngster and thus only know the Beastie Boys in their "I want to say a little something that's long overdue / the disrespect of women has got to be through" phase of their careers, yeah, they were not always like this. The Licensed to Ill tour not only featured dancers such as this one (often caged, no less!) but also in case that was too subtle, a giant, veiny, 6-foot-tall inflatable penis right in the middle of the stage. Really. Really.



Can you imagine what all the little Madonna wannabes out there in the audience thought of that one? Oh yeah, because on this tour, they were opening for Madonna. Any doubts about whether the Beastie Boys have always been cuddly, vegan, woman-loving, Buddhists can be quickly dispelled by the video for "She's On It" (in which, by the way, we actually get to see Rick Rubin -- he's the guy with the beard who keeps giving them all their "missions" on the chalkboard).

Anyway, back to this video. The club owner/manager guy and some heavies come onstage to drag off the Boys. They have a long altercation that ends in the Boys reclaiming the stage. The next bits are mostly just them rapping onstage and long shots of the dancing girl, but I would be remiss not to mention the many excellent crowd shots. Whoever costumed the extras for this video, well done. It's definitely a more diverse crowd than you'd see at a metal show (I don't just mean racially -- they've improbably made the crowd an exact 50-50 of men and women), but it totally works. Also since it's the Beastie Boys, silly things happen. Mike D tosses a mic offstage and a woman catches it in her mouth, and at one point we see an Orthodox Jew headbanging. Another headbanger bangs his head right off.

Toward the end, this song actually has a guitar solo. At first, it's being played by a guy in a gorilla suit. But next thing we know -- boom! -- that guy gets pushed aside by the guy actually playing guitar on this track -- Kerry King from Slayer!!!!!! I've heard Kerry say they actually wanted him to do sillier stuff in this video (I think including either having the Boys blow him up or having the solo somehow cause him to spontaneously combust), but he wasn't down for that. Nonetheless, he does show up, and we do get to see him play a bit. Slayerrrrr!

The video ends with the Boys breaking into the club owner's safe and stealing bags full of money. Though this pleases them greatly, they are displeased that their exotic dancer leaves with the guy in the gorilla suit.



For me, this track stands up on its own, but let me also mention the many ways that it is a pretty legit metal track. The title plays off a Motorhead album (No Sleep 'til Hammersmith), and the guitar interpolation is a modified version of "TNT" by AC/DC. And lest we forget who's playing that guitar -- it's freakin' Kerry King from Slayer!!

See here's the thing I was getting at above with my little rant about Fred Durst et al. It's not impossible to do the whole rock and rap thing right. But in order for this to happen, you really need Rick Rubin to produce. He cut his teeth with Run-DMC and brokered the version of "Walk This Way" with Aerosmith. And at more or less the same time that he produced Licensed to Ill, Rubin also produced Reign in Blood.

And you can really hear that metal influence in a lot of what he does. I often feel like Licensed to Ill is his greatest statement -- it's got lots of really heavy beats in it (Led Zeppelin's "The Ocean" anyone? How about "When the Levee Breaks"?). Anyone familiar with the Less Than Zero soundtrack (which I highly recommend, allmusic doesn't know what it's talking about) knows that there Rubin puts together a bunch of great tastes that taste great together -- it's got Poison (covering KISS), Anthrax (covering Public Enemy), LL Cool J's best song ever, Slayer (covering Iron Butterfly), the Bangles (covering Simon & Garfunkel), etc. You can still hear this in the hip-hop he produces today though -- just listen to that hard and heavy beat in Jay-Z's "99 Problems."

I'm telling you, Rick Rubin, baby. He might have a weirdo Zakk Wylde beard, but I'm never going to stop with this. Though I am going to stop with the rap-rock. Don't worry, next week will be April Serious, and we'll be back to your regularly scheduled heavy metal videos.

P.S.: Come on, if you're reading this, don't even pretend you don't get the title reference.

Ozzy Osbourne, "The Ultimate Sin"

Ozzy Does Dallas

THE VIDEO Ozzy Osbourne, "The Ultimate Sin," The Ultimate Sin, 1986, Epic

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRICS "It was the ultim-uh-ate si-in / it was the ultimate si-i-in / it was the ultim-uh-ate si-in"

THE VERDICT I love how the opening of this video is like Dallas. Mansions, horses, Ozzy clapping in a black-and-yellow-sequined coat that looks like it belongs to Stryper... it's really a promising intro. Ozzy sitting at his J.R.-style desk, in a suit and matching cowboy hat and yet with extensive eyeliner and bedraggled, shoulder-length hair, trying to act ...yes, this video rules. As he picks up the phone and mimes dismay, he clearly says "Oh shit!" Love it. Honestly, all the videos from The Ultimate Sin have their This Is Spinal Tap moments, but the title track is more or less all Spinal Tap moments.

Ozzy picks up a giant remote to soothe himself with some TV, and look what's on! It's him in concert, wearing his big Stryper jacket. He's got on some kind of coordinating spandex bodysuit on underneath it -- the combination makes him look like a cross between Michael Sweet and the Undertaker. For some reason all the concert footage is shot from a low angle -- to make him look more imposing? Either way, Dallas Ozzy is tickled to see Stryper Ozzy on TV.

But then -- uh-oh! -- it's Julie, the girl from the "Shot in the Dark" video-slash-the album artwork. She's out in the concert audience transforming into the album cover lady again. How come Ozzy never transforms into the weird dog-lion-monster thing he's depicted as on the cover? I mean, the man is no stranger to album-art-inspired makeup -- just watch "Bark at the Moon." Must have been too expensive to turn him into the dog thing.

Anyway, next thing you know, she's appearing in his office, smiling in a weird way and wearing an outfit that wouldn't look entirely out of place on Sue Ellen (a red shirtdress thingy and an insanely large pearl choker). Next thing you know though, she's making the headache face again, which somehow provides a transition back to her being in the audience of the concert.



Stryper Ozzy's coat, now that I look at it more, is even more ridiculous than I first thought. It's got giant shoulder pads, the hem is cut into carwash strips, and the pattern makes him look like a giant sparkly road sign.

They barely show the concert though (or Jake E. Lee even! Good luck to anyone else in the band trying to get any screen time in this video). Before you know it, we're in Dallas Ozzy's boardroom, and he's frustrated by all the board members yelling at him about stuff. He doesn't take it too hard though, making faces and taking off one of his cowboy boots (showing off polka-dotted socks and making a secretary stick out her tongue in disgust).

Next thing you know though, Julie's standing at one end of the table staring at him. This time though, Dallas Ozzy reacts completely differently -- he looks happy to see her (see, this is why I don't work in an office anymore. Meetings suck so much you're even happy to see a scary demon lady). She smiles (looking slightly like Elaine from Seinfeld), making all the board members turn toward her. They all smile, and this for some reason makes Dallas Ozzy completely freak out. Did they give him any directions on the acting here? It feels so faked and yet, in its randomness, so real.

Dallas Ozzy leaves the table, and a combination of Julie making the headache face and Ozzy pulling down a screen takes us back to the concert. We finally see Jake E. Lee, who I have a great affinity for -- I know for Randy Rhoads partisans this is blasphemy, but Jake might be my favorite Ozzy guitarist. I really love Badlands too, and he's a key component in the funniest joke in Extract. I thought it was the funniest joke anyway. Gotta love Jake E.



Pretty soon we're back with Dallas Ozzy, who has left the building (which says "Ozzy Oil" on the side of it) and is racing to his car. He polishes the steer horn hood ornament, then spotting Julie standing behind a fountain, he runs to get in the car. She makes mean faces at him, and he rolls down the window to stare after her with an expression of... uhh... well kind of a blank expression really.

Dallas Ozzy is relieved, then extra pleased, to be in his car, and he pulls his giant remote out of his suit jacket to watch more of his concert in the car. In a meta-Ozzy moment, Dallas Ozzy rocks out to Stryper Ozzy, then we transition to the concert. The low angles, wide stage, and lack of clear shots of anyone besides Ozzy imply to me this concert is real rather than staged (then again though, I suppose I should have learned my lesson with "Estranged"). And besides, next thing you know, there's Julie in the audience. We also get a random blue texture that's technically a bit of foreshadowing.

That turns into a shot of Julie in the audience on a little TV that Dallas Ozzy has dragged out by the pool -- ooh, like Madonna in Desperately Seeking Susan! Love that movie. Dallas Ozzy stretches out in his bathrobe, but next thing you know, Julie is standing in his yard (possibly shivering, or maybe it's just really windy -- the more I see it, I think the latter).

Dallas Ozzy looks excited, then grabs his TV (dramatized by a shot from the TV's point of view) and throws it into the swimming pool. This would seem more badass if the thing appeared to have a cord attached, let alone be plugged in. Julie keeps making the headache face, then Ozzy strips off his road and swings it around before throwing it behind him. He's still, let us note, wearing his polka dot socks. She's still got on the billowy red shirt dress and black pumps.

Dallas Ozzy chases her onto the diving board (okay, she doesn't really run, just backs up). Nonetheless, Julie appears surprised as he pushes her in backward. We get a sort of crackly effect over the screen that I think is meant to imply cordless TV + pool = electrocution. The video ends with Stryper Ozzy waving his arms, then Dallas Ozzy saluting, then my favorite shot -- a horse rolling on its back! Gotta love horses.



Anyway, that was a lot of video description -- I've almost done my old post format here -- so here's the real verdict. In the introductory sociology class I'm a teaching assistant for right now, our textbook uses pictures of Ozzy to illustrate the concept of front stage and back stage behavior (which is relatively self-explanatory thanks to the relatively descriptive terms Erving Goffman, an eminently readable social theorist, used to describe it). The gist is that people manage their behavior in different ways depending on whether they see themselves as having to perform a given persona for others (e.g., how you interact with customers = front stage, how you interact with coworkers of the same rank as you = back stage).

They picked a promo photo of Ozzy that looks like it's circa this period based on his makeup, hair, and dress, and paired it with a photo of him in the kitchen with Sharon from The Osbournes. They really should have stuck to the same time period and showed him in the kitchen in The Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years.

More to the point though, I don't actually think Kitchen Ozzy versus Scary Ozzy is actually that great an example of front and backstage behavior, because let's face it -- Ozzy puts it all out in the front. He's not that scary, certainly not in this video -- even though we see Stryper Ozzy and Dallas Ozzy, neither one is Scary Ozzy. In fact, both appear to be versions of Silly Ozzy (though the concert footage is less silly here than in other videos from this album, although again, there's less of it and we mostly have to watch it on tiny 80s TVs).

Much like Alice Cooper before him and many others after, Ozzy's both at once -- sure, even if Scary Ozzy is electrocuting a woman in his swimming pool, the fact that he's doing it in boxer shorts and polka dotted socks = Silly Ozzy. Similarly in concert, who's really going to take him seriously in that ridiculous Stryper coat? Oh wait... duh, Stryper.

LA Guns, "Never Enough"

The Tracii Guns-Kurt Cobain Connection

THE VIDEO LA Guns, "Never Enough," Cocked and Loaded, 1989, Polydor

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "(aaaahhhhhh) It's never enough just to hold you / (aaaaaaaahhhhhh) It's never enough just to please you / (aaaaahhhh-aaaaaahhhhhhhh) ooh baby, it's never enough"

THE VERDICT A couple of years before Nirvana shot more or less the same video plus retro costumes, the LA Guns made a video that shows off one of their many talents -- making great, straight-ahead pop. Yes, the LA Guns can rock your ass off -- I mean, just listen to "Bitch is Back" or "Sex Action." But Phil Lewis and co. also made some terrific pop songs, and this, like "I Wanna Be Your Man," is definitely one of them.

In spite of the fact that we see Ed Sullivan show parodies long before this -- think Spinal Tap's "Gimme Some Money" -- I'm going to argue that the LA Guns ushered in a new era here. Though parody videos came before this one (notably "Just a Gigolo/I Ain't Got Nobody"), "Never Enough" is different in that it isn't really trying to be funny. It's more of an homage than a parody. Given that the LA Guns are certainly no Beatles, it's a bit of a stretch. But if we think of them as like a much less successful version of the Dave Clark Five, maybe we've got something.



In spite of feeling relatively straightforward, this video comes off a bit tongue-in-cheek -- the LA Guns never achieved the level of stardom they pantomime here. But also, in their hammy stage antics (particularly Tracii Guns' exuberant guitar solo), they seem to be giving us a knowing wink. Or to be devolving into self-parody. But no, I mean the LA Guns' various members kicked around the LA scene and did enough time in enough bands that I think they were probably pretty self-aware by the time they made this video. I mean they come off here a lot better than say the members of London (a similarly long-lived band with likewise a roster of went-on-to-be-famous former members) do in Decline II.

I talk about the clothes a lot, but this is a video-oriented blog, hence an emphasis on the visual. And let's face it, with the exception of Steve Riley (who I have heard admit as much himself!), LA Guns are a great-looking band with overall just a great look. Yes, it's harder to tell them apart than the members of say Faster Pussycat, who share their late 80s/early 90s LA style, but that kind of makes them cooler. Lots of dyed black hair, black leather pants, and polka dots a la Theatre of Pain-era Nikki Sixx. And you know I love that.

P.S.: This is by a considerable amount the shortest post I've ever written, so why is it so damn popular? Oh wait... gulp... is that why it's so damn popular?