THE VIDEO Spinal Tap, "Bitch School," Break Like the Wind, 1992, MCA
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SAMPLE LYRIC "It's time to give the whip a crack / I'm gonna have to send you back / to bitch schoooool! / bitch schooooool!"
THE VERDICT That post about "Girlschool" last week put me in mind of this video, which let's face it, isn't all that different. This is the genius of Spinal Tap: It's a parody that goes so far around the bend in being a parody that it basically comes all the way back and is the real thing. I could turn this into some kind of crazy Baudrillard simulation/simulacra/simulacrum thing, but I'll spare us. Suffice to say, they totally put the rather excellent "Big Bottom" on The Heavy Metal Box box set from a couple years back.
The concept of this video is literally the same as that of the Britny Fox one last week: "The whole video takes place in an all girls' school." Pretty much the biggest difference is that the teacher is a sort of Marilyn Monroe lookalike in S&M gear as opposed to a husky harridan. I guess also the girls go from being out of control to being under control rather than vice versa. And the band jumps into the classroom rather than having the classroom wall appear to drop away, implying that of the two this video actually had the higher budget.
While Britny Fox's video is sort of funnyish -- there's the whole thing with the janitor, and the teacher getting all flustered -- what really separates the Spinal Tap video are the segments that are explicitly meant to be humorous. So one of the times they all leap into a new set, Michael McKean -- I mean, David St. Hubbins -- winds up stuck outdoors. And the sexy teacher bites through chalk as well as lipstick -- possibly I should incorporate this into my classroom repertoire to bring my students in line.
None the less, the more I watch this video, the less different it is from other heavy metal videos that take place in schools. I mean think about it: Scantily clad women doing weird aerobic workouts? Why yes, just like in Kix's "Body Talk." Catholic school girls out of control? Uh-huh, just like in "Girlschool" from Britny Fox, which we looked at last week. Sexy teacher shown walking through a crowded classroom from behind? The exact same shot is in Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher." Nigel Tufnel plays a guitar made of Marshall amps in front of a giant stack of Marshall amps? The real metal guys just wish they'd thought of that one.
You could make the argument that the song is too silly to be taken seriously as a "real" metal song. Okay, sure -- the whole thing is a long metaphor about dog training (did it help give Christopher Guest the idea for Best in Show? Um, I totally hope so). On the one hand, degrading to women -- on the other hand, easy to claim it was a song about a dog (though I guess the video makes it a little tougher).
Does this sound familiar to anyone? It should, if you've ever heard Axl Rose explain the Guns N Roses song "Used to Love Her" -- a.k.a. "I used to love her, but I had to kill her." With all the stuff about how he can still hear her complain, and she's buried in the backyard, and blablabla. And when actual people did complain, what rationale did Rose use to explain his lyrical artistry? It was a song about his dog.
This is why Spinal Tap keeps coming back every ten years or so: Because there are all these little ridiculous things just littered all around the metal landscape, just waiting for someone to pick them up and realize they are hilarious. And I don't mean one of those idiot talking heads on Vh-1 -- don't even get me started on them. Seriously. Don't. Even. Get. Me. Started.
What credential does some bimbo from HGTV have to be talking about metal? Or most of those stand-up comedians? Or anyone whose claim to fame is being a contestant on a Vh-1 reality show? Puh-leeze. That should be me up there people. That. Should. Be. Me. I know way more about metal than any of those idiots with the exception of Eddie Trunk and come on -- I am way easier on the eyes than Eddie Trunk. Trust me.
Okay, okay, okay. Back on track. Let's just say Tap rules. Allmusic is always all "well they're parody songs, so you can only listen to them so many times," but I say not so. They're pretty well done and eminently listenable. I mean sure, a song like "Sex Farm" is no "Cherry Pie," but it's a hell of a lot better than something like "The Lumberjack" (if we're going to stick with all songs that are silly metaphors for sex). In other words, Spinal Tap are a more competent metal band than, well, more than a few real metal bands.