Dokken, "The Hunter"

Happy Birthday to Me!  

THE VIDEO Dokken, "The Hunter," Under Lock and Key, 1985, Elektra 

  

SAMPLE LYRIC "I'm a hunterrrrrr / searchin' for love / on these lonely streets / uh-gaaaaaaaaaaaiiiin"

  

THE VERDICT Well, this is the closest Thursday to my birthday this year, so I'm giving myself — finally — this long-delayed video, for what may well be my all-time favorite metal song. Yeah, I said it. I'm not 100% sure, but I'm close. And regardless, as we'll see in a minute, it contains my favorite moment in the history of heavy metal videos. 

 

Why did I take so long to get around to "The Hunter"? Well one, I was saving it for a special occasion. 

But two, when I first started this blog, I did sooo much Dokken. It was kind of a Dokken overdose. I can't help it, I love them. But in any event, my overindulgence circa 2004-5 meant that once I got more serious about blogging, I had to really mete out my servings of Dokken, making them fewer and further between so that I could get to other bands (and I know, I still have plenty I haven't even gotten to yet!). 

But when it came to this year's birthday post, I decided it was time. This video is one of my favorites. It's just unbelievably stylish, with all the detail shots of their clothes and of the guys hanging out. 

It is the best use of the Kim Anderson effect of any metal video I would say — and yes, faithful readers will remember that by "Kim Anderson effect" I mean not the rock video girl from "Girlschool" but the whole taking-a-black-and-white-image-and-just-coloring-in-some-parts-of-it thing like in the other Kim Anderson's cheesy photos. 

It's in a zillion videos, but "The Hunter" is like a master class in it, especially when they do the little sort of stop-motion sequences of photos like the meet the band sequence at the beginning.

 

Though most of the video is the stop-motion-y Kim Anderson effect stuff, which is basically the band playing in some kind of rehearsal space, the rest of "The Hunter" involves giving each member of Dokken his own plot. This is always a good video strategy for bands whose members don't get along, as they don't have to spend too much time on set together. 

The "plot" parts of the video are filmed in color, so they're visually very separate from the other stuff. Oh right, except for Mick's, which for some reason is in grainy black and white. He always gets the short end of the stick in Dokken videos. 

  

George Lynch and Don Dokken get pretty similar plots, which is fitting — they're always on the same wavelength I feel like, just not with each other. But we follow George as he drives a red sportscar (I want to say a Ferrari) around a city at night (probably L.A.), and Don as he rides a motorcycle in the city during the day and then in the desert. 

I know this is mean, but seriously, Don should not have picked a plot that was going to blow his hair around so much. It's like when Shawn Michaels wrestles and his ponytail gets out of whack and suddenly you realize he's actually pretty bald. 

I should just get this out of my system now — oh my dear lord does George Lynch look hotttttt in this video. I can't even deal. Pre-body building, pre-tattoos, long hair... I am swooning right now. He has that like perfect lanky build, and he's rocking the loose tank top and leather pants look to the hilt. When he does things like lie down on his side and prop his head up on one elbow, seriously guys, it's almost too much. 

 

Don on the other hand... well, we all know as a Lynch partisan, I'm not very interested in Don. He has stubble in this video, which is a bit of a departure for him since he usually looks very cleaned up (and besides, if you had time to put on eyeliner, you had time to shave). I will give him props though on the loose, Miami Vice-style blazer during the performance scenes. That's a good look. 

Mick Brown has the sort of least-involved plot — it's basically just him hanging out at a dive bar. Though I know George and Don are driving around "on the lonely streets, uh-gaaaaaiiinnnn," I feel like Mick is the one who seems the most like he's "searchin' for love." I don't know if he'll find it in places like this, but hopefully whatever he does find is treatable. 

Also, following Mick shows us that we are indeed in LA — most of the signs for bars and stuff are hard to read, but at one point a bus rolls by with a KBIG FM 104 ad on its side. If that weren't enough evidence, he strolls down the Hollywood Walk of Fame, too. 

Jeff Pilson has the most involved plot by far. It also comes the closest to involving hunting of any sort. Jeff is for some reason caged, then released into the woods to be chased by a large crowd of burly, bearded, flannel-shirt wearing men with torches and baseball bats. And dogs. And dogs. Mmmmmm-kayyyyy. Jeff actually has to get his leather pants dirty, running through a stream and stuff to try to evade them.

 

But here's where this gets even weirder (and more topical) — in one shot, we see that the little wooden crate they have him locked in has "PMRC" written on it. Unabbreviated, that's the Parents Music Resource Center. 

Doesn't this mean he should've been being chased through the woods by like, a bunch of senators and Tipper Gore, rather than a bunch of lumberjacks? One would think so. It's an odd touch, and the one time where Dokken try to make any kind of political point or express any type of stance on topics other than like, relationships, in any of their videos. 

Almost every part of this video is just gorgeous. They actually get pretty creative with a lot of the shots, really doing a nice job of framing the band in visually appealing ways (and no, I don't just mean by showing plenty of George!). 

In fact, this video doesn't actually show that much George. During the solo, instead of a photo montage of him, we see a photo montage of his guitars. And his plot sequence is mostly just the top of his head from the back. 

But let us not forget — dant-da-da-da! — my all-time favorite moment in the history of heavy metal videos. It's such a little thing, but yep, its about a minute and a half in, when Don sings "but then it comes to me!", George hits a big guitar note, and Jeff Pilson does this totally badass rockstar jump. 

One minute he's just playing, the next minute he leaps in place, before you know it, he's landed. It's so small, but it's so visually striking, and punctuates that point in the song perfectly. Bravo, Jeff. That's the perfect gift for me.

 

Krokus, "Screaming in the Night"

The Stuff of Nightmares

THE VIDEO Krokus, "Screaming in the Night," Headhunter, 1983, Arista

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Screamin' in the night / fightin' for my life / I di-iiied for you / I knew it all along / headed for the sun / our loooo-ooove was true"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION The video opens with a head-on shot of some bizarrely dressed women doing a high-kicking dance with some kind of strange structure in the background. Because the film has some kind of weird effect going on in order to make the sky all black, it's hard to tell exactly what's happening. Anyway, they do slo-mo jumps and kicks while carrying giant staffs and wearing outfits made of various leather scraps tied to their bodies sort of randomly.

This shot fades into one of a number of plainly dressed people wearing metal masks or helmets who are all pulling a large wagon. We quickly see the band, then see a woman in a black leotard waving something around. Then we see the band again -- the guitarists are standing up on some sort of platform, while the lead singer is clad in nothing but a loincloth (and what the hell is that giant thing between his legs! Who are they kidding! If that thing were real, it would mean the guy from Black Oak Arkansas was hung like a toddler, if you see what I'm saying). He's sort of semi-crucified on a wooden thing.

The camera then pans past a strange open-air structure decorated by mannequin legs. It enables us to see that the Krokus dude is being pulled forward on the back of a wagon (probably the wagon we saw the front of before). Behind him are coming a punch of people in blue-gray coveralls and black hoods or masks carrying a wooden casket on their shoulders while more women do goofy modern dance moves alongside them. Other people walk behind them carrying staffs and such, most of whom are festively dressed in sort of a pseudo-Renaissance fashion.

Next we see more hapless masked men, these ones are using rope to drag along an old car that has had its windows painted over (what the hell was the point of this? I know I could say that for anything I've described so far, but this detail really begs the question). As the song finally starts, we get a close-up of the singer getting all growly as he sings whilst chained to that post thing. Next we jump back to the beginning of the procession, and the lady in the black leotard (who appears to be layering it over loose gray sweatpants tucked into knee-high black boots). She's carrying a helmet, too, and for no reason, the sky has turned red.

Now Mr. Krokus is not on the cross and he has been given his shirt back. He's walking along face-to-face with a Pat Benatar-ish girl in a silvery corset thing, both appear to have their hands tied behind their backs. The leotard lady leads the group up to that big cage from "Rock You Like a Hurricane," only now it's outside in a sort of post-apocalyptic courtyard. We can see pinkish-red clouds in the distance and people (guards?) standing on top of buildings. Along with a ton of masked men, she throws the whole band into the cage, and at the last minute pulls out the girl. The Krokus dude runs over to the fence, and the girl calls out as the lady drags her away toward some stairs.



A bunch more masked folk turn a giant contraption, and fake lightning flickers in the sky as the leotard lady drags the girl through a crowded marketplace full of futuristic weirdos. The lady shoves people aside while dragging the girl. They finally make it up to the same set they use in Krokus' "Eat the Rich" video, which is some statues beside several tiers of stairs leading up to a throne with a giant spire coming out of it. Tons of the masked guys are standing guard all over it, and there are people doing fruity partner dances too.

The lady pulls the girl to the top of all the stairs, where she gives her over to a heavy bald bearded dude who is sitting in the throne. He's dressed sort of like a futuristic biker dude, with an army helmet and vest on but also a big cape. He nods approval and then grabs the girl, who struggles with him. He cackles as they forcibly embrace.

A shot of a fake sunset fades to black to establish that it is now night. A hand reaches out to the face of the Krokus dude, who is sleeping on the floor of the cage. He startles, but then realizes it's the girl. He of course gets up right away to make out with her, but then the evil bald dude runs in and grabs her away. We see the Krokus dude's insanely lame reaction shot as the bald guy pulls out a knife and stabs her. He laughs all crazily as her body slumps to the ground with a line of blood above her right breast.

The scene fades out, and we again see the masked coverall guys carrying a wooden coffin with some dancers cavorting about behind them. They are followed by more of the same guys carrying the Krokus dude (shirtless yet again) chained to a platform thing. The sky is artificial black again, and they carry the whole kit and caboodle into a smallish striped pyramid thing with some statuary outside of it. They load it all in, and the bald dude waves his arm around, and they seal off the entrance.

Fake lightning strikes the point of the pyramid, and the assembled crowd scatters. Lightning then strikes the door of bricks that they just propped up, and it falls over. Lastly, lightning strikes inside the pyramid, causing the chains binding the Krokus dude to disappear, and he sits up and rubs his wrists. There is a small explosion behind him, causing a burst of light from a box. He goes over to the box and finds sneakers, jeans, and a lame, pirate-esque shirt, which he puts on. A trap door opens in the floor, and he looks over and then heads over to it. As he runs he peeks out the main door again, and sees the masked guards approaching, so he hauls ass through that trap door.

Coming out the other side, he finds himself climbing down a ladder into a diner. He looks around the whole room -- yes, typical urban diner -- and is rubbing a hand through his curly locks when he realizes the waitress is the leotard lady. And then, the cook is the bearded dude! And then, there on the TV hanging above the counter, there's him and his band playing on the futuristic set!



He makes a disgusted face, and as that ends the TV changes over to a blue screen that says "Rock + Roll" on it in white and the VJ is none other than the love interest from the future. In his shock, openmouthed, he climbs up onto the counter and walks across it, stepping into everyone's food and knocking over cups and plates along the way. The last four people at the counter (who are especially disheveled and not really eating) are the other band members, and they all look up at him, as does the chef dude from his little window.

The Krokus dude grabs the sides of the TV and sings the final chorus to it, giving it all he's got. The leotard lady/sassy waitress nods her approval. Two of the band members look up at him, one holding a coffee cup and the other gesturing while holding half a sandwich in his mouth. The girl on TV just goes on talking, oblivious to his remonstrations, and he makes many, many wussy faces. The last shot we see is of one of his bandmates looking up at him while pouring the entire sugar container out onto his plate.

THE VERDICT It's been a while since I've done a video that's pretty ridiculous and requires truly excessive description, but whatever, I'm worth it. But is Krokus? Though not pretty boys by any stretch of the imagination, these five Swiss lads are considered by many to be the lowest of the low. The All Music Guide, which normally can find something good to say about practically anybody (at the very least, they find in favor of the bands via their having been "underappreciated," "underrated," etc.), dishes out nothing but bile for Krokus. Ok, wait -- at least I thought they did. Reading this again, it is sounding not so harsh. Jeez, did they retract their previous statements about the band being musically inept opportunists looking to make a quick buck? I'm confused. Oh man, it seems that Headhunter has even been made an album pick.

A-ha! Here's what I'm remembering -- not the band bio, but the album review. Here's but a taste to whet your palate: "Shameless bandwagon hoppers that they were... singer generally makes a nuisance of himself with his grating speech... guitarist Fernando Von Arb's incessant pouting remains an especially horrifying image...." Okay, so it's not actually quite as bad as I remembered. But still.

Do they deserve it? Well, maybe. Much of the criticism involves their having been a crappy prog rock band who spotted a quick buck when they switched to metal (this fad was a precursor to the numerous glam metal bands who switched to heavier stuff, not all of whom are necessarily bad -- viz. Pantera). I'm not sure if the name was a leftover from their trippier days or if in Switzerland crocuses are considered more badass than they are over here (they are, after all, very hardy flowers), though simply changing the C's to K's doesn't make it that badass. It reminds me of that Danish band D:A:D (a/k/a "Disneyland After Dark") -- could no English speaker at their record label tell them that that acronym was not so badass across the pond?



I digress. To me, Krokus' weak point is neither their name nor their willingness to change genres. Their wussiness stems from two things. First, for every single they put out that was actually an original song, they also put out one that was an abominably crappy cover (e.g., "Ballroom Blitz," "School's Out"). Their original songs are no picnic either (particularly "Midnight Maniac," which is kind of unbelievably bad), but at least on those you feel like they're sort of trying.

The second thing is the tendency of their non-performance videos to hinge upon a relationship between the toad-like lead singer (who's also got to be what, like 5'6" max?) and an 80s babe. Like David Coverdale, this dude is no stranger to the open-mouthed kiss on camera. But compared to this guy, David Coverdale is a total fox. Apparently they didn't think the rest of the band was even worth showing off stateside, as they tend to figure into their videos very, very little. Now sure, those dudes are not good looking, but they really believed the lead singer was so good looking that he needed to be shirtless practically at all times? This I find hard to believe.

Also, what the hell happened in this video? (Besides that the record company was like "We built this set, and you need to use it at least twice" -- and apparently later it was lent out for Babylon A.D.'s craptastic "Hammer Swings Down.") I'm guessing it was like, he had this whole persecuted in the future nightmare, and then he woke up.... Uh okay, maybe it's like, he works in the diner, or he lives upstairs from it, and he had this nightmare that he was in the future and his evil coworkers were running everything and he had this hot girlfriend from TV but like, they were unjustly persecuted? And then he woke up and came back down to work, and couldn't believe that like, it was such a coincidence that that girl was on TV? So he decided to make a big mess on the counter? Or something?

Note: To give credit where credit (or perhaps blame) is due, the members of Krokus are vocalist Marc Storace, guitarist Fernando Von Arb, guitarist Mark Kohler, drummer Freddy Steady, and bassist Chris Von Rohr.

Another note: Yes, I'll fix these murky-ass photos as soon as I can -- I am in the process of upgrading my computer to OSX four years too late, so it may be a while before I can actually get anything done.

A last note: It took me fully five years to actually get around to updating these images (9/6/10). What can I say -- while my personal technology has advanced by leaps and bounds, the quality of the copies of Krokus videos floating around out there has remained static.

Mötley Crüe, "Looks That Kill"

Possibly the Quintessential 80s Metal Video

THE VIDEO Mötley Crüe, "Looks That Kill," Shout at the Devil, 1983, Elektra

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "She's got the looks that kill! / that kiiiiiiiiiii-iiiiillllllllllllllllllll / she's got the looks that kill! / that kiiiiiiiiiii-iiiiillllllllllllllllllll / [she's! got! the! looks! that kill! / she's! got! the! looks! that kill!]"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION Wide-eyed women dressed in pseudo-futuristic cave gear appear behind a wall of rock. They look back and forth rapidly in a manner similar to that of my dog when she thinks I might drop food, then begin to climb over the wall. Clad in rags, the two (a brunette followed by a blonde) join several more in a small, rocky clearing and appear ready to begin some kind of interpretive dance.

We cut away from them to see the four members of the Crüe, backlit and holding torches which then spark and light themselves. As the torches begin to burn, we see the light reflected on the faces of the women, who begin to panic. Okay, or make panicked expressions. The Mötley boys break from their poses and bring the torches down lower (lighting their faces a little) and begin waving them around. This causes the women to break it down like a bunch of Sarah Lawrence dance majors, if you see what I'm saying. They all stand together in a group and collapse while making jazz hands. As they do so, the camera zooms up and right toward a particular blonde.

Nikki Sixx walks down a hallway that's part rock, part the kind of railing used in high schools and Miami condos. Cut to Vince Neil, seen almost over the shoulder as he checks out some rocks with his torch. Next Tommy Lee, who appears to be somewhere a bit darker and spookier, kind of swivels his hips and makes an assertive hand gesture. Mick Mars, as per usual, gets the shaft.

Turns out Tommy was signaling the rest of the gang to wave their torches at the ladies, causing them to scatter somewhat artfully. Nikki squats and brandishes his torch as the women scream, Vince keeps them moving, then Tommy performs a lift with an especially supply young lass, spinning her around on his hip a la Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing.

As the Crüe advance, even Mick gets in on the action. They eventually corral the women into a well, corral and continue holding up their torches while they fence them in. For reasons unclear, we then watch each torch being carefully secured to a fencepost.



Their audience in place, the boys proceed to rock. First we see Vince, looking the fittest he's ever looked in his life. It's not just the painted-on lavender cheekbones, in this rare case Neil is actually in fantastic shape. He's wearing a Mötley Crüe headband in his platinum locks, some kind of studded choker, and a silver and red studded um... it looks like a shoulder holster. He also has on many studded arm and wristbands plus little black fingerless gloves.

We check out Tommy briefly and next clearly see Nikki, in that classic shot of him rolling his head back and bugging his eyes out. He's wearing a skinny black headband plus a black studded dog collar, and he's also got on big earrings with crosses hanging from them and red and white cords of some description coming out of his hair. His top is very Road Warriors and also very The Road Warrior, with spiky shoulder pads and ripped stockings on his arms. He's got on his classic Shout at the Devil makeup too, with black streaks across both cheeks and red lips. The more faces he makes, the more dry ice they pile on behind him.

Next we see Mick. His hair is teased to perfection as he brandishes his guitar, and he's wearing a black shiny shirt with torn up sleeves. He also has on a headband (red, to match his lips), and extra-creepy fake cheekbones drawn on. Then we finally sort of clearly see Tommy. He's headbanging away so he's a little hard to make out, but he's wearing a red and black striped studded shirt, a white headband, lots of makeup (eyeliner, lipstick, and the requisite bdouble cheek stripe).

The women look on in agony, one of them even bent over on the ground. The camera zooms in on her dirty hand, then moves over to some reflective liquid above which stand the Crüe, who are all wearing high-heeled boots a la Kiss. The camera moves upward till Nikki, Vince, and Mick (all singing) come more clearly into view. The camera then pulls back, revealing that they're playing in a rubble-strewn, concrete area bounded by fog and what looks like gasoline spilled on the ground but is probably just paint or something.

Vince writes around almost stripper-like, enjoying his fleeting hotness, as the band rocks out. The camera then pans up Nikki as he bangs his head, showing off his torn-to-pieces black shirt. Very bondage chic. Vince does a very David Lee Roth-esque spin, then as he sings "the clock strikes midnight," Tommy hits a big bell. We watch Tommy drum very enthusiastically for a moment, then see Nikki making more cool faces.



After a shot of Tommy from above, Vince sets aside his mic and he, Nikki, and Mick approach the cage. They taunt the women and again, the gals make the faces my dog makes while I'm eating popcorn. Vince regains his mic as a wind machine kicks up, and a better shot of Mick than we had before reveals that he's also wearing some serious leather strappage. Vince sticks his face in the cage, which makes them go nuts, and Nikki vamps some more.

Suddenly, a big square thing appears, surrounded by tons of fog. The wind blows back Vince's majestic mane and causes tumbleweed to roll across the ground. Blocks of crap fall out of the sky, and a piece of fabric falls onto one of the women's face. Lights flash as all the women in the cage thrash about, then as one of them looks up, screaming, the block begins to fall away to reveal... Tia Carrere! No, it's Kimora Lee Simmons!

No, I don't know who it is, but basically it's like the queen babe. She has giant black hair and is wearing an enormous headpiece, a costume that reminds me of the one chick in He-Man, and is carrying a large shield. She also has like a crossbow type thing attached to her left arm. The band backs off and the women scream as she jumps down and poses. She uses her wrist thing to shoot a ton of sparks at the band, but Mick catches it with his guitar.

This greatly displeases the babe leader, and she makes a scary face. Mick, however, makes the most guitar face I've ever seen him make. Next, the babe pulls one of the torches off of the fence, throwing it onto a pile of rocks which it inexplicably ignites. She then sets the other women free, and they jump off and frolic about like extras in Cats. Nikki makes guitar faces in front of the fire, but it's all in vain, they've already been freed.

Two of the women kneel and hand their leader her shield. They then run away modern-dance style as she raises her wrist thing again. Before she can hit them though, Tommy's bass drum launches a giant spinning pentagram at her. It lands in the middle of her shielf, causing all of its points to shoot out sparks. As the sparks die, Vince tries to approach her but she shuns his advances. She looks over her shoulder coyly and leads him to wall, which she leans against, but when he tries to put his hand to her face she jerks away from him and smacks him in the face.

She saunters away and winds up in a room with a black and pink floor and walls on either side of foot-long spikes with lots and lots of fog coming out between them. Nikki and Tommy appear on either side of her, blocking her way out, but then she lays back on the spikes. As they reach in and grab her, she sinks into the spikes then slides down, evading their grasp. They turn and look after her as she crouches and then leaps sideways on all fours.



She then looks surprised, and we see Mick making a scream-y face, then Tommy looking pensive, then Vince pouting, and lastly Nikki bugging his eyes. Yes, it's move Poison will perfect -- showing every member of your band just when the video's about to end in a 'meet the band' sequence -- and yes, I frickin' love it. We then go from Nikki playing to Tommy drumming to Vince and Mick singing (even though he gets cut out of a lot of the action in this video, Mick still is like 10x as active in this video as he is in any other Crüe vid).

From overhead, we see the boys all join hands, encircling the head babe. They raise their fists, causing blue light and white smoke to pour in. The band are immersed in both momentarily, then their images fade away to reveal a flaming pentragram on the ground. The pentagram continues to glow as we see Nikki and Vince singing, then we begin zooming in toward it as we see Tommy drumming and finally, Vince and Mick singing before the screen behind the pentagram goes black.

THE VERDICT Clearly, I needed an antidote to my recent overexposure to Winger, and what better solution than some SATD-era Mötley Crüe. It's the best of times, isn't it? They still retain the all red and black leather all the time look of Too Fast For Love, but their signature sound is fully in place. So hot. I mean, they look great up until about "Dr. Feelgood," but this is definitely their best. And honestly, I find the pseudo-satanic thing suits them well. It's a little bit badass, but since they don't take it as far as W.A.S.P., it's just a style thing, not a way of life.

And this video has it all. Women are imprisoned, then attack. Costumes reference both Les Mis and Mad Max, two heavy metal classics. Also, tbe fight scene where their music helps them launch their attack is incomparable. I love it!

Not to mention the women in the video. I don't know who was directing them, but props to that person. Compared to these gals, the extras in "Rock You Like a Hurricane" were frickin' asleep. Between all the wild eyes, the jazz hands, and the ballet-inspired leaping about, there's nothing these girls can't do. I hope they at least got to make out with P.A.'s.

Scorpions, "Rock You Like a Hurricane"

Cage Match!

THE VIDEO Scorpions, "Rock You Like a Hurricane," Love at First Sting 1984, Mercury

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "More days to come / new places to go / I've got to leave / it's time for ah shoooooooow / Here I am / Rock you like a hurricane / amamamamamamammamamamamah!"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION Okay, this one starts off by throwing a lot of information our way very rapidly, so bear with me and we'll try to get through it, since it's mostly pretty badass stuff. We've got heavily made-up babes shaking a cage, another one kind of slapping her hand down, drums being struck, more cage rattling, more babes, more cage, more babes, a jaguar or a leopard, one of the babes swiping at her face and creating instant new wave makeup, cage rattling, a jaguar and a panther, the band playing, the jaguar (I think it's a jaguar anyway) walking with its leash visible, drummer Herman Rarebell, a bunch of folks I'd describe as cheesy Hanna Barbera villains (they look like crappy frog people wearing nuns' habits stolen from the one of HB's truly pathetic space cartoons, say Pussycats in Outer Space or Yogi's Space Race) standing over a glowing cauldron then running away from a flash of light, Matthias Jabs rocking out, more cage rattling, more band, more panther, more face scratching, still more cage rattling, Rudolf Schenker makes a scary face, more babes walk toward the camera, cage, babes, panther roars, babe slaps something again, people try to reach their hands through the cage and ...Phew! We've finally made it up to where the song actually starts (about 40 seconds in, but who's counting).

So we know we're in some kind of alien world where big cats and women in kabuki/Adam Ant style makeup and wigs (they're definitely supposed to be hot, but they always make me think of that other Teutonic terror Nina Hagen) run wild and the Scorpions are forced to play in cages. Also, there's that trio of weird baddies, a frequently occurring motif in heavy metal videos (Think the hooded weirdos in "Rock of Ages" or the cat-eyed robed people in "Holy Diver." Is this an allusion to the witches in Shakespeare's Hamlet? Or just something someone did once in the early 80s, and then everyone else decided it was supercool?).

Anyway, we get a better sense of where we are as the song starts. We see a reddish-purple cave dripping with stalactites and lit both from torches and a greenish glowing fog on the floor. There are a bunch of big tubes (I know I describe everything this way, but for real, they do look like a human size Habitrail) splayed out also. Round lights in the middle of the tubes start pulsing, and as Klaus Meine begins singing, his tube raises straight up (did I mention also the tubes have blue neon floors, not unlike that of a tanning bed). We start cutting back and forth between Klaus and performance footage of the Scorps as a bewigged lady who is also wearing a cat mask that appears to be made of foil lets him out of his pod. She puts her hands on his shoulders and he kind of shrugs her off, then we're with the badly costumed nuns/witches/whatevers. They're shaking their fingers over their big cauldron, and we can kind of see that their faces are just like plain black masks but their eyes are like giant bug eyes made of vertical strips of mirrored material.

Klaus walks by them through a forest of spiky "trees" made from wrapping paper tubes spray-painted silver (I'm so certain about this because I could swear that when I was in second grade a teacher tried to buy these for the set of our play "The Jabberwocky" from a PBS auction). He walks by the dudes with the cauldron, which makes the cauldron light up and they run away, as do some more of them who I guess were in the background before but I couldn't see them.



As the first chorus kicks up, we finally really see the Scorpions performing the song in a giant cage. As per all other videos involving giant cages, the cage has no top or bottom and is actually more like a fence of large panels (they look like the doors of jail cells) that are somehow tied together so that the whole thing moves as if jointed. Klaus runs along the front and high-fives a bunch of hands that are sticking through, then runs by what appears to be a person strung up by their feet hanging in the middle of the cage (wha...?).

They all rock out while a first row of oddly made up ladies (they all have giant black wigs on with white faces except for a wide stripe of red that goes through their eyes) rock the cage and a second row, further back, wave their arms around. Okay, now I see how the Scorpions got into the cage -- there is a door at the back behind the drummer, lit in bright blue. So even though these ladies imprisoned the Scorpions in those pods, once they got out of those pods, they appeared to be the entertainment for those ladies in some kind of larger prison (since now the Scorps appear to be in charge -- I mean, these future alien babes or whatever they are can't get at them through the bars).

The whole second verse we're still with the Scorps rocking out in the cage. Matthias makes a weird face, the women stick their hands into the cage, and it's edited together so that someone's always doing something dramatic (like swinging a guitar) on the beat. Same for the second chorus -- it's basically the same stuff, although Klaus is now making a point of like, running up to the cage to taunt the women so they'll all stick their hands through, then running away. And in fact, as Matthias gears up for and goes into the guitar solo, he goes ahead and backs up all the way against the cage so that they are able to grab him (and get him in sort of a headlock) as he imperviously rages on, dishing up a heaping helping of guitar face.

As Klaus reprises the opening, we see a bunch of the women walk through a foggy hall lit by torches (but somehow, the light in there is still very blue). We can now for the first time get a really good look at how long their hair is (butt-length, but impossible thick all the way to the ends) and how scantily they're clad (also very; red tube tops and loin cloths plus some random strips of fabric). We randomly see a very sick or dead looking man's face all tied up with something (possibly the dude we saw hanging upside down in that one shot earlier?). The girls head back into the room with the pods, and as Klaus starts singing, "the night is coming / I have to gooo" for the second time, one of the ladies shaking the cage bars finally (and somewhat explosively) breaking through them as the band rocks out. All she does once in the cage though is kind of wave her arms around, since for some reason it's suddenly pretty windy in there.



Now the band also runs down the foggy hallway (my favorite part of this is when Matthias gently tosses his guitar to someone standing mm, my guess would be like two feet off screen), but yeah, they all do this like slow jog. A pod closes first on Francis Buchholz then on one of the ladies (I've always found this kind of discomforting as it snaps shut on her hair), then on another lady, then on Matthias, then another lady, then on probably Rudolf, then another lady (I could have sworn there were only five pods before, but whatever), then on Herman, then another lady. Last we see Klaus, in his pod (which is still standing up) saying, "Here I am" with other ladies sexily arrayed among the other pods.

THE VERDICT Explicating the many mysteries of this video was one of my inspirations in beginning this site, so I will do my best now that I finally have it. It combines two video genres I love: Trapped in pods (a la Def Leppard's "Foolin'" and of course most infamously, Spinal Tap) and trapped in a cage (see everything from Mötley Crüe's "Looks That Kill" to Nine Inch Nails' "Wish" to most Megadeth videos). Of course in this case, as in many other videos involving cages, the Scorps don't seem to mind being held in said cage, it is, after all, protecting them from the swarms of alien babes (and the panther) outside. It then definitely falls into what I have elsewhere here referred to as the preadolescent stage of heavy metal videos, with women as sexy yet scary captors/captives. You just don't get the feeling anyone's up to anything frisky in those pods, you know?

That said, this is obviously one of my personal faves and a total classic, even if I'm not sure who's imprisoning whom or what it's really about or where the convention of having random robed people who only show up at the beginning of your video and serve no real purpose comes from. It still totally rocks out -- it's the kind of song you like would hear when you'd been driving for hours and then feel totally revived after you heard it. And of course I have to say that it also has for me in recent years the great tie-in with my favorite episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force entitled "The Last One," in which all of the villains from all of the previous episodes get together to try to defeat the Aqua Teens. Ignignokt leads the meeting and when he calls roll he says something like, "If you are present, you shall say 'Here,' and it will stand for, 'Here I am, rock you like a hurricane.'" Then of course all the villains start saying it, which I find hilarious. Someday I will so make a t-shirt that says "Here I Am" on the front and "Rock You Like a Hurricane" on the back. That would be so totally badass.

Okay so I obviously like the song, but what about the video? Well, even though as I've alluded above I find it has enormous similarities to many, many other videos of the era, I still really like this video. What makes it so memorable? I think it has to do with the charisma of the Scorpions themselves. I mean, editing the thing together so that something cool's always happening every time the drums are hit helps, but it's really their enthusiastic showmanship that sells this video. Even when you can't see them that well, the band members are constantly moving around and rocking it out, and no matter who's being shown during the chorus, they're yelling, "Rock You Like a Hurricane." They have an enthusiasm not unlike that of Poison, who we all know I find to be particularly affable gents. And even though my bf always argues that "wanting everyone to be 'nice guys'" isn't a particularly helpful way to create one's taste, I say whatever. I'm a sucker for nice guys (and for Nikki Sixx).