Tesla, "What You Give"

Dead Dogs and Warehouses  

THE VIDEO Tesla, "What You Give," Psychotic Supper, 1991, Geffen 

  

SAMPLE LYRIC "It's not what you got / it's what you give / it's not the life you choose / it's the one you live" 

THE VERDICT Okay, so I know that very little happens in this video. It's pretty much just Tesla playing the song in what appears to be the Blair Witch's house. In the whole beginning part when Jeff Keith is kind of by himself in another area, sort of half in shadow and tangled up in wires, I keep expecting he's going to come into the main room and see Brian Wheat just standing there facing into the corner. Jeff does have his eyes closed until like, halfway into this video, so maybe he's scared. 

Seriously, what is it about these sort of unfinished spaces — whether warehouses or barns — that metal video directors decided telegraphs a certain kind of authenticity? And I mean, are Tesla the kind of band that even needs to bother with that? I mean no one looks at Troy Luccketta and is like "That guy's trying too hard. What a poseur." 

I don't know, maybe they were trying to counterbalance Frank Hannon's elaborately crocheted sweater. (Yes, my other hobby — approximately as non-metal as you can get — is crochet.) I kind of think that Jeff rocking the denim-vest-over-leather-jacket look does enough of that, but whatever. 

Anyway, this week the video's not really what I want to talk about (and nooo, for once I don't want to tell a long anecdote about myself either!). I actually want to talk about this song, which I freaking love. 

Well, I halfway do. I love the verse, and hate the chorus, which is actually pretty common for me. In the case of "What You Give," it's just that it goes way too Hallmark with all the rhyming. But I think the bigger offense is just repetition — jeepers jolly, they repeat the chorus just ad nauseam toward the end of the song, in an increasingly frantic way. About the only song that I enjoy this in is "Cherry Pie." 

Here though, if sheer repetitiveness hasn't already worn you down, the part where Tommy Skeoch screams it in a guttural voice will. Ew. It's like cheese squared.

 

But the rest of the song! Oh the rest of the song. It's the kind of thing I want to doodle in ballpoint pen in the margins of every notebook I own! "I feel so lonely and I know I'm not the only one / to carry on this way / I love you so much I lose track of time! / Lose track of the days." I mean this is what you want love to be like, people. 

Okay, maybe not the loneliness part. But no, I don't think it's like, an existential loneliness song. It's more of a temporarily-apart-via-circumstances-somewhat-beyond-our-control song. And then when they reprise the beginning, and turn it into the second person — "You're the one, that makes me happy / oh yeah bay-bee! / you're the one always on my mind" etc. I. Can't. Even. Deal. 

"Why can't forever be, forever and nothin' more?" That is exactly the kind of lyrical nothing — a sort of vague profundity that doesn't really make a whole lot of sense — that instantly makes me feel seventeen again in like, the best way possible. 

 

And yet. 

And yet. 

It turns out the whole dang song is about a dog! Sigh. For real Tesla? Yes, for real. Or at least, according to Jeff in the little intro to "What You Give" on Time's Makin' Changes. 

Now don't get me wrong. I love dogs. I have a dog. She's eight. She is very giving, though I would also say she takes quite a bit too. I just... I don't want this song to be about a dog. 

Now Guns N Roses' "Used to Love Her," that's a song that well, I'm not stoked it's purportedly about a dog, but I guess that's better than it being totally misogynistic? I guess this is one of those times where I don't want to know what the song's really about, and just want to have my own interpretation of it. 

Weirdly, way back in the day this was one of the most common arguments made against music videos — that seeing a specific visual would supersede whatever the listener just related the music to on their own, in their head. I don't think I really get this with videos — since at least they're related to the songs — but I will say, having a song be prominently featured in a movie, a commercial, or (the ultimate personal-association-killer) a commercial for a movie really does it. 

But has it ever done it for a metal song for me? Hmm, I'm gonna have to think about this one. I think Tesla are safe though, at least from that fate. 

P.S.: I know it's a stretch, but I was going for a Freaks and Geeks reference.

Stryper, "Honestly"

My Imaginary First Dance Song  

THE VIDEO Stryper, "Honestly," To Hell With the Devil, 1986, Hollywood 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Calllllll on meee, and I'll be there for you-oooooooh-oooh / I'm a friend who allllllll-ways will be tru-ooooooooh-ooooh / And I love you can't you see-eeeeeeee / that I can say I luh-uh-uh-uh-uuuuuuuuve youuuuuuuuuu hon-on-est-lee-eeeeeee-eeeeeeeeeeee" 

THE VERDICT Okay, here's video #2 in my wedding theme month. How the heck is Stryper relevant, given that my fiance and I aren't religious at all? Well, given that I'm a bit slow on the uptake on this kind of stuff, for a really long time I just thought this would be a really nice like, wedding first dance song. 

I mean, it's a bit sappy incredibly sappy, and it's all the kind of promises you'd want to make, and really everything you'd want in a life partner, right? Okay, except that it's not being narrated from the point of view of like, a husband or wife or whatever. This song is actually a God's eye point of view. 

And I don't mean like, an omniscient narrator kind of thing. I mean literally, this song is like, the Lord or Jesus or whomever telling people He is always going to be there for them, a friend who'll always be true, etc. If you're a believer, it's a reassuring message, for sure. And if you wanted to use this as a message to your spouse, as I would, it's got a lovely message. 

Even if I think I'm the only person I know who can get through this song without complaining of torture. What can I say, I guess I have a cheesy streak. Okay, I have a cheesy streak like the size of Wisconsin. In any event, we aren't having a legit reception or anything like that, so we'll just have to talk about this video here. 

The video sort of takes us through the whole process of the song, from start to finish. We begin really at the beginning, with Michael Sweet composing the song at the piano. Why these parts are in black and white, I'm not sure. Like, it's a reenactment? The "oh no, look how hard this is!" part of an infomercial?

 

Then we move on to the band practicing the song together. Are they practicing in a garage? Or is this the usual metal video cliche of the empty warehouse, because this is a really big garage. They also seem to have some yellow and black-painted risers in there. Maybe it's like an airplane hangar, where all their stuff is waiting to be shipped off for their tour? Hmm, I'm not thinking the acoustics are probably that good in there. 

You know I have to say, in their way, Stryper have great style, with all the skinny jeans and hats and sweatpants. Robert Sweet just about has better Farrah Fawcett hair than Farrah herself did, it's perfect! You look at how they're dressed in this video, and aside from the big-shouldered jackets, it's all stuff that would totally play now. 

Okay, re-focusing. Probably the most notable aspect of this video is the 'behind the scenes' footage of them getting ready to leave for their tour. This is one of the only metal videos (if not the only one) that includes wives and babies in real time, as part of the video, not as just like, maybe one photo in the midst of a huge photo montage. 

They also show them kissing their wives/girlfriends a lot, which is really unusual in metal videos. They usually want to make the band members seem available to any ladies who might be watching. The exception to this is women in videos who the band members are really dating — viz. all the open-mouthed Tawny Kitaen-David Coverdale action in Whitesnake videos. 

This kissing is not like that, trust. I like too that these bits show Stryper to have a sense of humor. We get some jokey footage of them — Rob tosses an umbrella in a suitcase, Oz Fox just sticks an entire dresser drawer into his luggage. Then a white limo picks them all up and they go to the airport, showing us their passports. We even follow them into the plane — and not like, their own personal plane either (or like the helicopter they have in "Always There For You"). Stryper is flying coach!

 

So Stryper have gone to London, where they're on the marquee of the Hammersmith Odeon. Instead of the usual footage of them like, pensively staring out the windows of their tour bus or sitting around exhausted in hotels, Stryper actually take advantage of their traveling. The boys go out and sightsee a bit, hitting the usual tourist spots — Big Ben, Westminster Abbey, Buckingham Palace. I especially love when they walk by a poster for their concert, and it's right next to a gigantic Thompson Twins poster.

We also get to peek backstage, and this backstage footage is likewise not your usual backstage footage. There's nary a groupie in sight, and no one sprays anyone with beer. Instead, they've got out their Bibles, and they do a prayer circle. 

Moving forward in the sort of life cycle of the song, we then see them practicing on their stage set in their regular clothes. Then at the end Stryper are actually live in their full black and yellow regalia on the set, though at the last minute we're back with Michael and his piano. Hmm, that was pretty straightforward. 

Okay, strap yourselves in for a huge tangent (see, at least this week I saved it for the end!). Growing up, there was this hole-in-the-wall mom and pop shop a little ways from my house that was called the Corner Store. It was abundantly not on a corner, so who knows. But it was basically like a convenience store minus the gas station. It was very small, and sold like candy, and Wonder Bread, and stuff like that. 

It had a couple of arcade games on the back wall, and it had an incredibly distinct smell — I can't describe it, but if I smelled it anywhere else I would identify it as this. Sort of a mix of loose change, soft serve ice cream, and comic books (which they also sold, on a rack near the counter). 

I think I remember buying Garbage Pail Kids cards there too, but I might be conflating that with a memory of walking home with my parents from either the annual town Tag Sale or the annual town carnival and finding a long trail of Garbage Pail Kids cards along the side of the road and picking them all up. (In other news: Do I still have all those Garbage Pail Kids cards? Hellllll yeah I do!)

 

Anyway: Why this long digression? Okay, 'cause in addition to the aforementioned annual events my town held, there's also an annual Memorial Day Parade which is very like, small town America-y. All the local fire trucks drive down the street, and like, the oldest veterans and the selectmen ride through town in convertibles, and so on and so forth. People throw penny candy from the backs of flatbed trucks, and you run into the street and pick it up. (Well they used to, they aren't allowed to do that anymore because safety or whatever. Lame.)

Okay, I swear I'm getting to the connection soon! So one year, I marched in the Memorial Day Parade as a Girl Scout. I was a Brownie, so this would've been 1987 or 1988. And it was unbelievably hot that year, just scorching. But I made it through the whole parade, sweating under my stupid little felt Brownie beanie. 

When I'd walked the whole parade route, my mom met me (probably at the local high school), and we walked home. On the way though, we stopped at the Corner Store, 'cause she wanted to buy me a soft-serve ice cream cone for being good and all and sweating it out in the parade. 

So while the old man behind the counter (and it was literally just one old man who worked there, always) was getting my ice cream, I remember looking up at the wall behind the counter, where there were posters for sale, the kind you can win at carnivals, you know, where they're sort of mounted on cardboard and in these gold plastic frames. And right smack-dab in the middle above the counter was this big ol' Stryper poster, of them in all their black and yellow regalia. 

Now, today I would be like foaming at the mouth to get that poster, but at the time my little seven- or eight-year-old self was like, "Who the heck is gonna buy that poster?" Okay, that was an incredibly long and not especially relevant digression. 

But that is part of why I write this blog — so many parts of my life are somehow wrapped up in metal, and the littlest things, like seeing Stryper in all their yellow and black concert gear, can conjure up all these memories. I mean shoot, I can't remember the last time I thought about the Corner Store. That place closed in like 1989 or 1990, I think it's a realtor's office now. 

I could go on and on about this stuff. Also, I do.

P.S.: Did you know that unlike metal bands who jokingly claim their names are acronyms (Satan Laughs As You Eternally Rot) or who others claim are acronyms (Kids/Knights In Satan's Service), Stryper actually is an acronym? "Salvation Through Redemption Yielding Peace, Encouragement, and Righteousness." And also yielding lots of striped clothing!

  

Suicidal Tendencies, "Institutionalized"

I'M NOT CRAZY  

THE VIDEO Suicidal Tendencies, "Institutionalized," Suicidal Tendencies, 1983, Frontier 

SAMPLE LYRIC "I'm not crazy! / [Institutionalized!] / You're the one that's crazy! / [Institutionalized!] / You're driving me crazy! / [Institutionalized!]" 

THE VERDICT Suicidal Tendencies is one of those bands I was really on the fence about, not about whether they're a quality band (they are) but are they technically metal. In the end, I decided they're metal enough because a) there was a Headbangers Ball episode where Riki Rachtman had a barbecue with them (and if I remember correctly, inexplicably a pre-fame Mark McGrath was there — God bless the person who put this on Youtube, btw); b) they play the heck out of this video on Metal Mania; and c) Rob Trujillo is in Metallica now (even if he wasn't in ST yet when they did this one). Actually with their short hair and love of money, how metal Metallica are is something else we could debate. But we'll save it for later. 

I hadn't listened to this song in a while, and then it happened to come up while I was just shuffling all my music, and damn if it didn't fit with how I'm feeling right about now. I'm getting married in less than a month, and if you've never done it, I wouldn't advise it. Dude, it is a freakin' nightmare. Think the wedding is about you and your intended? It's not. It's about everyone else and their BS demands. And then there's school, which is a whole other thing, but a bit of the same story lately. All I do is play everybody's reindeer games, and still somehow I'm the one with the problem.

 

So something about Mike Muir and all the sort of "I've done everything you've ever asked me and yet you say I'm the one who's crazy" stuff in this song really resonated with me. I actually used to listen to this song a lot when I lived in New York. I had a lot of issues with my job, and I had a whole playlist I would listen to in the subway on my way to work to like, prepare myself mentally for dealing with my workday. 

I don't remember all of it, but it definitely had "Institutionalized," "No More Mr. Nice Guy," and "Peace Sells (But Who's Buying)". (I know, based on the title that last one sounds random, but think about the verses — "What do you mean I can't get to work on time? / Got nothin' better to do" etc.) Anyway it worked for me. By the time I got to work I had musically sublimated my full-tilt pissed-off-ness. Okay I'm making myself sound crazy now (you're the one that's crazy!). 

Calm yourselves, I was just quoting this song. Suicidal Tendencies are just a really cool LA band. I want to say I love their look, but we need to be realistic, this isn't a look for them, this is how they're dressing. But to the extent this video got airplay, I feel like this is probably the first exposure the rest of the country got to the Venice/LA-version of cholo style. I mean this video's got it all, from the bandannas to the plaid shirts to the skateboarders — you can watch it and see where all the junk you see for sale at PacSun and those kinds of stores got ripped off from. 

I mean seriously people. It's 1983. This is probably the earliest video there is that features a lowrider. We're almost ten years before "Nuthin' But a G Thang" (1992, for the record). The only other thing from the same era I've seen with a similar look to this is the first (I know, for once not talking about Part II) Decline of Western Civilization movie. Which is, obvs, about LA punk circa this time period. 

 

I've actually been having a correspondence with one of this site's most regular readers (thanks for reading!) about songs that infantilize metal fans — e.g. songs that talk about "kids", prompted by my "Crazy Babies" post but also loosely encompassing "Rock N Roll Children," "I Wanna Rock," and a whole host of others. This one does fit in with that somewhat, as the narrative mainly covers altercations with one's parents. That said though, I have to give it a pass, 'cause it's just too good a song. I don't even drink soda, and yet I feel like I want my epitaph to be "All I wanted was a Pepsi!" 

Okay okay okay, but what happens in the video. Well, a couple different things. The video starts off with Mike pretty much just talking to the camera and walking around while the rest of the band plays, and kids do skateboard tricks in a sort of abandoned warehouse. (Admittedly, this one looks way more like an actual abandoned warehouse than most ones in music videos do.) Also of note: Slayer's Tom Araya is in the video for two seconds — he shoves Mike as he walks past him. 

For most people though, the most memorable sequences of the video are those that take place at Mike's "home." The rest of the band (at this point in history, Grant Estes, Louiche Mayorga, and Amery Smith) drops Mike off, and he heads inside to avoid his crazy parents, who at first are out on the lawn but soon come in to harass him (and begin converting his bedroom into a padded cell). 

His dad is played by Jack Nance (known best for being in all things David Lynch), though I think he looks a little like an older Brian Doyle Murray, aka Noah from Noah's Arcade. His mom is played by Mary Woronov, who fascinatingly was part of the whole Andy Warhol Factory scene.

 

That said, I don't feel this part that much. Any sequence with parents ripping posters off walls always stresses me out — dude I would like those posters please! Damn. 

In any event, after being completely subdued by his parents, somehow or another Mike is suddenly out of his straitjacket. The rest of the band ties their lowrider to the bars on his windows and yanks the wall straight off the house, allowing him to escape and finish playing the song in concert with them. 

The concert sequences are also straight outta Decline Part I, albeit with the addition of a teacher, a priest, and some kind of creepy army officer. You know, the usual for metal videos that are complaining about school. 

Okay, now that for one week at least I've done a legit post focusing on the video, it's time for the tangents. One, how can we forget that Suicidal Tendencies have a cameo doing this song on Miami Vice! I mean yes, not in the best episode ever (it's in "Free Verse"), but still. They would have fit in more in "Nobody Lives Forever," I think. 

In a similar-ish vein, let us not forget that this song is also in Repo Man. I know, it's punk, not metal, but you can not deny Repo Man. 

And of course, if you read this regularly, you can guess that I think Beavis and Butt-head's viewing of this clip is amazing. I love Beavis' constant agreement with Mike's narrative. Butt-head just yells "Shut up!", but Beavis goes right along, sometimes following the song and sometimes improvising -- "and I get all frustrated, and start kicking, and like burning things." 

I also enjoy that Butt-head then mimics the kind of therapy-speak parodied in the song — he tells Beavis, "I feel your pain." Butt-head finally gets Beavis to clam up by saying "About once a year they play something cool, and you have to talk through it." Then they both headbang through the end of the song. 

Now if I can somehow just headbang through the rest of the summer....

 

Bon Jovi, "Always"

I Love the 90s  

THE VIDEO Bon Jovi, "Always," Cross Road, 1994, Mercury 

SAMPLE LYRIC "And I will love you / bay-ay-bayyy-ayyy, ah-all-ways / I'll be there forever and a day-ay / ah-all-ways" 

THE VERDICT I know I don't usually do videos from this late in the game. But don't you ever just think to yourself, hey, I'd like to talk about a video that's extra-long, extra-soap-opera-y, and stars multiple 90s "stars"? Well, that's what I said to myself, so I guess you all have to deal with it. And get ready, people, 'cause this is gonna be a long one. 

Let's get something out of the way first. "Always" is a very uneven song. Some parts of it are great (the "I made mistakes, I'm just a man" verse and the pre-chorus after it, par example). Other parts of it are brutal (the actual chorus, the freakin' strings). 

I have a pretty high tolerance for maudlin Bon Jovi, but this song pushes the limits. It's really wordy and a bit sludgy in places. A lot of it feels like the zillionth chorus of "I'll Be There for You", the one where they sing it a bit higher, and you're kind of just like, "Damn, they're still going?" 

Also, just for the record, what do I consider to be fully over the limit? "Bed of Roses." So see, even I have a TMBJ limit (Too Much Bon Jovi). I guess technically though I should also mention that I consider everything from this album on to fall into that category too — I can not abide "It's My Life" or especially (shudder) "Have a Nice Day." 

But anyway. This song was apparently originally written for the soundtrack of the 1993 film Romeo Is Bleeding, which explains the weirdo beginning ("this Romeo is bleeding / but you can't see his blood"). JBJ bailed on putting it in the movie, but he was later convinced to dig it up for their greatest hits anthology. I'm glad he did, because you guys, this video is ahmazing!! 

I'm too excited to talk about them as they appear, so let's just lay out now the stars of this video. Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora? Hah, I think not. No. This video stars Jack Noseworthy, aka star of MTV's utterly forgotten Dead at 21 and the villain from The Brady Bunch Movie. 

Full disclosure: I thought Jack was soooo hot at the time. I mean so hot. Face facts, I love guys with big, pouty lips. Apparently always have. And I watched the bejeezus out of Dead at 21, which was a bizarre attempt at a scripted action-drama by MTV — Jack had been implanted with some science-y thing as a baby, and he just found out about this, and has to foil it with the help of some woman who looks like Duff (not from Guns N Roses, I mean then-VJ Karen Duffy) so he won't die. I remember finding it really exciting, but being disappointed by the ending.

 

Here, I think he's been cast due to his passing resemblance to Jon Bon Jovi. Longish blondish hair? Check. Pouty lips? Check. Killer cheekbones? Check. All they needed to do was slap some temporary tattoos on him (Superman logo and cow skull with some feathers) to make the transposition complete. In any event, villain-from-The-Brady-Bunch-Movie is too long of a name, so we will call him Noseworthy. 

Noseworthy's girlfriend is played by Carla Gugino, who has been in just a huge amount of stuff. I didn't recognize her from anything in particular, but she's been in lots of TV, including long stints on Spin City, Chicago Hope, and Entourage, as well as all the Spy Kids movies. But what has she been in that I've seen? Um... uh... well... Son-In-Law. We will call her Son-In-Law. 

Son-In-Law has a roommate/friend staying with her or something like that (more on that when we get to the plot) played by Keri Russell, aka Felicity. Um yeah, we're going to call her Felicity. 

Last, we've got possibly the most far-fetched character in an already quite far-fetched video, the artist. And he is played by (drumroll, please!)... Colin from 90210!! I know, I know — in this video he still has his longish hair as he does when he plays (drumroll, please!) Skippy in Kicking and Screaming! 

But whatever people. It's Colin from 90210. I hope I need not have to say more, and that you understand how awesome this is. We will call him Colin from 90210 (oh by the way, this actor's name is Jason Wiles). 

The video begins all verite, with no music, just a street scene that looks like it's in Mexico but based on the rest of the video I'm going to say is in some magical hybrid of Mexico, Los Angeles, and who knows, possibly New York. We'll call it New Los Mexico. 

Anyway, the camera pans up from the street, through a wall, and into an apartment, which is when the music actually starts. Noseworthy is sitting there shirtless (yeah baby!) looking at a picture of Son-In-Law. He reminisces via a flashback about the good times they had when he took that photo, making out and driving recklessly. Aww, they almost ran that Jeep Cherokee off the road! Young love. Sigh!

 

We also start seeing Bon Jovi. They're playing in a weird empty-ish warehouse space, and they look all 90s. You know, shoulder-length hair. Jon is seen mostly in extreme close-up, while everyone else is far away and poorly lit. They appear to have all picked out their wardrobes together, settling on black tees and choker necklaces with big silver crosses and such hanging from them. Real creative, guys. 

Now Noseworthy and Son-In-Law are back at her place. It looks like every chick's apartment in every 90s movie ever — gauzy patterned curtains, elaborately unkempt-on-purpose bed, vanity table covered with photos and crap. Noseworthy is filming her with a camcorder, and of course, since it's a 90s video, Son-In-Law takes this as her cue to perform an impromptu exotic dance routine. 

I should also mention that this woman does not seem to know the difference between a slip-dress and an actual slip. Who says that's a dress? "Calvin Klein!" Anyway, Noseworthy can't resist, so he goes for her, leaving the camera on. 

With the first chorus, we already get to one of the most amazing parts of this video — Noseworthy and Son-In-Law go to a rave. Okay, maybe it's just supposed to be a club, but it's so ginormous it appears to be in a freakin' airplane hangar, so we're going with rave (there's also further rave evidence later). There are women swinging from ropes of flowers, and many of the partygoers appear to be male extras who have been instructed to more or less stand around and gape at Noseworthy and Son-In-Law. 

I can't blame them. These two have both twisted their hair into impromptu dreadlocks. Son-In-Law is wearing some crazy sheer thing, and Noseworthy has on a choker necklace and a shiny jacket. They keep wriggling around on each other, and at one point he pours champagne into her mouth. Allow me to also mention the part where suddenly it's a foam party. 

All their frantic making out is a weird counterpoint to JBJ singing really, really slowly. Noseworthy and Son-In-Law stumble back into her apartment wearing enormous novelty hats — boom! See? I told you it was a rave. Noseworthy is wearing a Mad Hatter type thing, and Son-In-Law has on a like three-foot-high furry Cat-in-the-Hat hat. 

She gestures to him to be quiet — Felicity is asleep on the couch! Why? Who knows. I mean, Felicity's wearing a t-shirt and jeans. So is she Son-In-Law's roommate? And she just fell asleep on the couch? I know this seems obvious now, but trust me, later this will be called into question.

 

Anyway, Felicity decides to turn on the TV since she's awake, and what, what, what?!? Apparently Noseworthy's camcorder is hooked up to the TV in the living room, 'cause Noseworthy and Son-in-Law are getting it on in living color. Felicity appears more amused than repulsed by this, because, you know, it's a metal video. If this weren't a metal video, it'd be either a) a roommate horror story or b) prn, I guess. 

The next morning, Noseworthy and Son-In-Law leave, and Son-In-Law kisses Felicity on the cheek all "See you later!" But then as they're leaving, Noseworthy looks back at her and winks, all "See you later." What is up with that wink!? "Yeah I know you saw us getting it on last night"? "I think you liked it"? "I left the camera hooked up on purpose 'cause Son-In-Law is turned on when I casually exploit her"? Who knows. 

Anyway, there's a jump in time with the beginning of the second verse, which is the strongest of the song in my book. Noseworthy and Felicity are sitting around, and she's wearing a low-cut top and throwing him the bone eye. It takes him a long moment to realize what's up, but once he does, Noseworthy acts fast. 

After a while of watching Bon Jovi sing, we see Son-In-Law come home carrying two bags of groceries. She looks around the apartment but no one's there. We then see that the TV's on (um, why?) and of course, the camcorder's also been left on (here's why). 

We see Son-In-Law's bedroom, where Noseworthy's lying on the bed. Felicity walks in with no shirt on (just the ubiquitous-in-the-90s Victoria's Secret Second Skin Satin bra), and Son-In-Law rips off her sunglasses all shocked as she watches it all on the TV. 

Noseworthy pulls Felicity to him by her mom jeans, and as they start going at it Son-In-Law runs into the room and throws a sack of groceries at them. I kind of love that she does that — it's like turning a hose on some dogs or something.

 

Felicity rolls around on the bed while Noseworthy watches Son-In-Law run away down what suddenly appears to be a suburban street. But before we get too far, see, this is what I was talking about before. If Felicity is Son-In-Law's roommate, why the hell were they hooking up in Son-In-Law's bedroom?!? Either a) dang, this really is a roommate horror story, just not the way we thought or b) Felicity is still in the wrong, but she's just a guest. 

Son-In-Law trudges through the back alleys of wherever-the-hell-this-is-supposed-to-be, ditching her obligatory it's-the-90s Steve Madden chunky black heels and sitting artfully on a random doorstep in a suddenly-very-urban-looking area (think NYC SoHo). The way she's put up her hair and draped that scarf around herself, it looks like she's about to start doing some ballet. 

But Son-In-Law is in luck — who should happen upon her but Colin from 90210! He offers her his coat and brings her up to his preposterously gigantic loft. I know everyone on TV has apartments that are way, way bigger than people can afford in real life, but his apartment is huge. 

Between the giant crappy paintings everywhere and his black mock turtleneck, we quickly learn that Colin from 90210 is an artist. Son-In-Law is way impressed by this. She's quickly seduced as he pours her champagne in seriously the ugliest champagne flutes imaginable. They look like they came from either Big Lots or the SkyMall. 

As per the inevitable, during the guitar solo Colin from 90210 paints Son-In-Law. And as per the even more inevitable, he takes off his shirt to do this, prompting her to likewise reveal herself. As the sort of second bridge begins, Son-In-Law wakes up alone in Colin from 90210's absolutely ridiculous Star Trek bed. 

Where has he gone? I don't know, but I really, really hope it involves... Ding! A low-speed chase. Ding! Getting Kelly Taylor back into drugs. Ding! Erin Silver nearly drowning in a bathtub. Oh snap, I bet he is at the Peach Pit. Ding! Peach Pit After Dark. (Anyone who simultaneously got the Beverly Hills, 90210 references there as well as the Kicking and Screaming reference wins at life.) 

Son-In-Law goes and looks at her painting. Aww, he painted her as Alice Cooper! For some reason, this prompts her to call Noseworthy. He comes right over and they begin making out immediamente. 

She starts to show him all the weird crap in Colin from 90210's loft, and he quickly finds the painting. I guess he can tell she's topless in it even though it's pretty — well, to be generous we'll say it's pretty abstract. 

In any event, Noseworthy goes ballistic. He topples over what appears to be a shopping cart full of art supplies, then throws a speaker while Son-In-Law tries to hold him back.

 

But nothing can hold Noseworthy back from his final act of destruction — yup, the ugly painting. He stabs the painting repeatedly while Son-In-Law looks on in tears. Once done, he's all smiles, but Son-In-Law just looks at him all teary and does an awesome "talk to the hand." 

Now for the most improbable part of the video. And I mean more improbable than all these women letting Jack Noseworthy videotape their sexcapades, more improbable than Colin from 90210 owning that giant apartment, more improbable than Son-In-Law appearing to walk from a favela to the L.A. suburbs to Manhattan. Even more improbable than the fact that it's suddenly night again. 

Noseworthy blows up Colin from 90210's loft. Yup. I know. Okay, we don't see him do it, but we do see flames explode out of its windows, and then we see Noseworthy walk out of the building past the firefighters like it's all NBD. 

He passes Colin from 90210, who's on his way home and probably wondering WTF happened, and they give each other a long, hard look that says a lot without actual words. But if there were words, they would be... Colin from 90210: "I banged Son-In-Law, and I painted her naked." Noseworthy: "I blew up your apartment. And besides, I still have hours of our sex tapes." 

The video concludes back in Noseworthy's apartment. He's still staring at that photo of Son-In-Law when suddenly he sees her, dressed just as she was that day in a slip dress (that for once actually is a slip dress) and a floppy hat. 

He walks up to her, but you can already tell from how totally artificial and green his computer-generated shadow is that she's not really there. She dissolves when he reaches out to touch her though, in case you didn't get the idea already. 

Morals of this story? Don't let Felicity sleep on your couch. Don't paint strange women you meet on the street lest your Star Trek bed and all your crappy paintings wind up in flames. Don't go to raves, they are hella lame. Or really, the most obvious lesson, and yet one celebrities seem to forget all the time — sex tapes are always a bad idea. Ah-all-ways! (Sing it!)

Fiona feat. Kip Winger, "Everything You Do (You're Sexing Me)"

Nasty As They Wanna Be  

THE VIDEO Fiona featuring Kip Winger, "Everything You Do (You're Sexing Me)", Heart Like a Gun, 1988, Atlantic 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Oooooooooh you're sexin' me-eeeeeeeee / everything you do just turns me on / oooooooooh you're sexin' me-eeeeeeeeeeee / bay-bay-bay-bay-bay-bay come onnnnnnnn" 

THE VERDICT Anyone else remember this amazing trainwreck of a video? Seriously people, it's the holidays, and this power ballad-ish duet is the gift that keeps on giving. You think it can't get more ridiculous, and it does. Oh, it does. 

Now if you aren't familiar with this one, you might be asking yourself, "Who the (bleep) is Fiona?" Excellent question. Fiona is sort of like the Tiffany of heavy metal. If we're going to be generous, we might even call her the Debbie Gibson of metal, since if I'm remembering right she had some kind of classical background and wrote a surprising amount of her own songs. 

Young, hyped, likely to be found signing autographs in malls. A big difference though is that though Fiona looks pretty underage in this video, she's actually almost 30. Well, what do you know? She's just kind of a tiny lady. 

Anyway, if you were to know Fiona from anything non-musical it would likely be her star-turn opposite Bob Dylan (!?!) in 1987's Hearts of Fire. But if you're like me (and since you're reading this we will assume you are), that pales enormously in comparison to her star-turn as a murderous teen prostitute on Miami Vice. 

Now I could go into a lengthy rant about how much Miami Vice rules, but instead I will limit myself to just discussing the episode featuring Fiona: Season 2's "Little Miss Dangerous". Though I am generally a fan of the episodes about prostitution — not because I endorse sex work, but because it's the 80s so these have particularly awesome costumes — this is actually one of my least favorite episodes because it is freakin' terrifying.

 

To her credit, Fiona is creepy as hell as a young hooker who murders her johns as retribution for a lifetime of abuse. I made it just partway into this episode before it became a turn-on-all-the-lights-in-the-house type of affair. 

It wasn't much longer before I was screaming at the TV trying to save Tubbs. Fiona, if you must kill again, take Crockett! And omg, stop making those freaky-ass crayon drawings. Dang those things gave me nightmares. 

Anyway, one of the many reasons Miami Vice is amazing is the endless onslaught of cameos (just season two also features Gene Simmons and Ted Nugent — the Nuge also performs Fiona's episode's eponymous song). It's not entirely unsurprising that Fiona turned up, since they appear to have a minimum of one ingenue per episode. 

But okay, what of her performance in this video? Spoiler alert: Nothing really happens in this video. It's pretty much just Fiona and Winger in an empty warehouse/loft-type space, singing straight into each other's faces. 

This is often amusing, as they look ridiculously alike — even without the lighting washing them out, it's usually like okay, well she's shorter and has longer hair. But for reals, I think they share not just the same hairstylist, but also the same clothing stylist. 

Here are the outfits featured in this video: 1) Blousy colorful shirt with ruffled collar, paired with leather pants that lace up the sides. 2) Low-cut graphic shirt, black leather jacket, and leather pants that lace up the crotch. 3) Sheer black halter dress. 4) Cropped leather vest, black shirt, and leather pants. Okay, class — three of these outfits are worn by Fiona. Which of these does Kip Winger wear?

 

All Kip and Fiona have in there to entertain themselves with is a modern-looking white couch and each other. While Fiona spends some time posing on the couch, she spends most of her time posing on Kip Winger. Kip flashes his astonishingly white teeth while Fiona tilts her neck back for some vampire-style action. (I like that when you Google "Kip Winger", one of the related searches it suggests is "Kip Winger teeth".) Kip tosses his hair around while Fiona crouches down in front of him. Fiona tosses her hair around while Kip crouches down in front of her. 

Somehow, we are meant to believe that by screaming the lyrics to this sludge-fest into each other's faces, sexual tension is being built up between Fiona and Kip. Ummm, no. There are a few near misses, and at one point he appears to have fully stuck his face into her chest, but don't get excited — there's no sexing here. Unless you're into the David Coverdale/Tawny Kitaen-type stuff where he looks like he's choking her. In that case, ew, you pervert. 

Possibly it's that, but more likely it's the choice of words that make this for me one of the un-sexiest songs in the history of metal. "You're sexing me"? Seriously? Hearing "sex" as a verb just makes me think of biology. And not like, reproductive type stuff. 

More just like how usually when you hear "sex" as a verb, they are talking about the practice of determining whether an animal is male or female. E.g., "birds are difficult to sex." "It takes a practiced eye to accurately sex the crawfish." Next thing you know, it's "oooh, you're dissectin' mee-eeee"! 

Seriously though, even my sometime-nemeses over at allmusic kind of have my back on this one: "Like anything with intensity, it's tempting to laugh; when Fiona and Kip Winger moan, 'you're sexing me,' at each other, someone with farm experience could imagine them sedately side by side, determining the maleness or femaleness of newly hatched chicks." For real! I could imagine an alternate version of this video with just pictures of like, crabs and lizards and turkeys and stuff.

 

I think the most amazing part of this video is at the end, when there's just a smidgen of plot. A blonde woman comes up to Kip and Fiona's empty warehouse in an industrial elevator, and sort of signals to them. Then Winger and Fiona ride down in the elevator, and go outside where a long-haired man greets them. We're meant to understand that this is Fiona's real man, just as the blonde is Winger's actual girlfriend. As the two couples split apart, Fiona (now wearing a goofy hat) looks back at Kip all wistfully. Ew. 

Also uhh, okay. This still doesn't explain WTF Fiona and Winger were doing up in that warehouse. What, they just get together to like arrange themselves against columns in dramatic lighting, and yell in each other's faces, and almost kiss, like, on the regular? 

There's no implication in this video that a video is being filmed — we're meant to believe Kip's girlfriend is just like, "Oh, hey honey, did you have a nice time telling Fiona she was sexing you and having her rub her hands all over your stubble again today?" So bizarre. 

Kip has claimed no sexing ever actually occurred, and based on the astonishing lack of sexual tension I'm going to believe him. I know, I know — both Winger and Fiona are making furious porno faces through this entire video. 

But come on, watch any Winger video. Kip makes those faces at the camera. He makes those faces at all the women who are meant to be his love interest. Hell, he makes those faces at Reb Beach. Quite frankly, I think this is just sort of the natural range of Kip's facial expressions. 

Long story short, if you're looking for sexy, this video is more like a cold shower than a hot bubble bath. And if you want a great metal duet, just listen to "Close My Eyes Forever." 

But if you want to revel in awkward sexuality, Kip Winger's whiter-than-white smile, and Fiona's amorousness toward a whiter-than-white couch, by all means, watch this video! 

I may have called Fiona the Robin Sparkles of metal, but this song is really the "I Wanna Sex You Up" of metal. I know, I know, this predates Color Me Badd by a couple of years. But seriously, couldn't we have just left this kind of drecch for groups like, well, Color Me Badd?

Lita Ford, "Kiss Me Deadly"

Spandex and Pleather

THE VIDEO Lita Ford, "Kiss Me Deadly," Lita, 1988, Dreamland

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Come on, kiss me once! / Kiss me twice! / Come on pretty bay-beeee / Kiss me dead-lyyyyyyyyy"

THE VERDICT I want to like Lita Ford. I really, really do. The Runaways kicked so much ass, and deserved so much more than to have their legacy besmirched by a crappy Dakota Fanning vehicle. In the end though, I'm always more drawn to female metal acts that sound, well, more like the Runaways -- think Girlschool, for example.

Lita's just so -- how to put this. Okay. You can either talk about how important it is for women to be taken seriously as musicians, or you can dry-hump your guitar in your videos. But you really can't do both. Lita's a competent vocalist and a talented guitarist, but the ridiculous lengths she goes to in this video to convey some bizarre version of heavy metal sexuality put her on par with an obvious eye-candy group like Femme Fatale.

'Memba them? Like Lita, they also have song called "Falling In And Out of Love," though their female lead singer looks like Carly Simon trying to dress as Like a Virgin-era Madonna.

Anyway. What goes on in this video that I find so unappetizing? Well, really nothing much happens. What does happen is we find Lita playing in I don't even know what. An empty loft space? A parking garage? An enormous meat locker? It's hard to say. Either way, all that's in there are a bunch of large blocks of ice, which in some shots are augmented by a bunch of random small fires. Like I always say, nothing says "this equipment is plugged in" like having the band play in standing water.

It's mostly just Lita singing and playing the song, with frequent clothing changes. When we see a close-up of her face and shoulders, she's wearing a black leather strapless bra top, all the better to show off her shoulder tattoo and half-and-half hair. It's no early George Lynch half-and-half hair, but whatever, it's close enough and it's a good look for her. However, in most of these shots she's making sort of furious porno faces while frantically running her hands through her hair, which is less alluring.



When Lita's furthest away and the rest of her band is there, she puts on more clothes. It's hard to tell because it's not very well-lit (lord knows what the guys are wearing), but she appears to be in a black sleeveless cropped top and very shiny (possibly pleather?) high-waisted black pants.

In her super-close ups, where it's really just her face (though we see the rest of the outfit later), she's really metaled up, notably in a very heavily studded black leather motorcycle jacket. She also puts on a pair of shredded, high-waisted jeans.

Isn't it weird how none of that stuff seemed high-waisted at the time? I mean back in the 80s, no one would have said she was wearing Mom jeans. But to look at her now, it's "omfg mom jeans." They probably come to just below her navel. Toward the end we see some shots of the ripped jeans with the strapless top, so we can assume she's layering.

In the most famous shots though, she's wearing a ridiculous costume that looks like it's straight out of Heavy Metal. She's got on a cropped black tank top, and has layered a very high-waisted black thong over some silver spandex tights. A giant belt with lots of hardware, weird studded kneepads, and black boots further contribute to her sexy-heavy-metal-robot look.

It reminds me of the scene in Wayne's World (I know, I talk about Wayne's World way too much, but whatever) where Wayne goes to find Cassandra at her music video shoot. Wayne complains about how the video is clearly all about showing her in a sexualized light, and when the other members of Crucial Taunt walk by, he says, "Oh, hey guys, didn't see you there." (How could he have missed Marc Ferarri!? Anyway.)

Point is, if Tommy Iommi or Nikki Sixx or Chris Holmes or whoever she was involved with at the time had showed up to this video shoot, the same dialogue could have happened. Yeah, in some of the shots you can see the guys in the band, and sometimes we even see the guitarist or the drummer (who's on a weird moving pedestal) on their own, but barely.

This video is really starring Lita's hair and ass cheeks. I mean I did tell you the other week that I'd help you find the metal videos with side ass, right? It might be covered in spandex here, but this video's got loads of side ass.

And not a lot else, honestly. They backlight the guys so that even when they're on camera, you can only really see their silhouettes. There's more backlighting, plus dry ice fog, when we get close-ups of Lita singing. Occasionally there are random extreme close-ups of the ice -- we see Lita acting like she's going to nuzzle it with her face, then with her butt, and at one point one of the blocks gets hit with a sledgehammer.



I'm not the biggest fan of this song, either. I really like the pre-chorus, which has a great sound, with the guitar motif sort of amping up the vocals ("but I know what I like / I know I like dancing with you"). Most of it though, I can leave. It feels overproduced in a bad way, and very keeping-up-with-the-boys, which is unappetizing. Even though Lita's growls of "it ain't no big thang" have a lovely twang to them, I can't really get past the triteness of most of it.

'Cause like I was saying at the beginning of this post: You can either talk about how important it is for women to be taken seriously as musicians, or you can dry-hump your guitar in your videos. But you really can't do both.

It's hard to be a female musician in any genre, but particularly in male-dominated ones, I know. Hell, it's hard to be a female anything! But to stick with music: It's rough on these gals. People objectify you, people don't think you really play your instruments, people assume you engage in all kinds of sexual debauchery... the list goes on.

I feel like this video is a sort of "Let's get out in front of this" strategy -- in other words, I'm going to be objectified anyway, let me just objectify myself. I don't know how much it works. I mean, if you're in your video mounting your mic stand while dressed as a metal fembot, I don't think viewers (male or female) are going to be thinking to themselves, "My, she's very musically talented." They're probably more likely to, if they think about it, assume the latter ("she must need to distract me from the fact that some male guitarist is really playing this solo", or some BS like that).

And I mean yeah -- it'll get more guys to buy your record. (See Chuck Klosterman's revolting analysis of Lita in his memoir Fargo Rock City -- or don't, it was repulsive enough to convince me to never read another word of his writing regardless of subject.) But here's the thing: Even if in the short term, sexing it up is making it easier for you, it's a) making it harder for other female musicians and b) a crappy strategy in the long run.

Think about it: If you not only play well, but you also tart yourself up a la Femme Fatale, you're basically perpetuating the status quo not only for yourself, but also in that other women musicians are all going to be expected to show a lot of side ass and get freaky with inanimate objects too. And this strategy also entails long-term losses: Watch any history o' metal-type show on Vh-1 or wherever, and you'll find a zillion (male) talking heads reminiscing not about Lita's musical abilities, but about that time she humped an ice cube. SIGH.

The biggest twist to all this: If there's one woman out there who probably doesn't give a shit about all this criticism, it's Lita herself. Read any interview with her. This is a woman who sticks to her guns (sometimes, uh, literally), and has no regrets. While I suppose sticks and stones may break her bones, blog posts like mine definitely won't hurt her.

P.S.: Don't get the title? Come on, sing it! "Spandex, and pleather / brought us all together!"

Tesla, "Hang Tough"

How's It Hangin'?

THE VIDEO Tesla, "Hang Tough," The Great Radio Controversy, 1989, Geffen

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Hang tou-OUGH! / When the goin' gets rou-ough / Hang tou-OUGH / you got to give it all you go-ot / keep your head above the ground / oh don't you let it get you dooown / oh you gotta hang tough"

THE VERDICT I know this isn't the most scintillating video, but it's a great song, and really what I need to be hearing right about now with a new quarter starting up and a zillion things on my plate. I have a gigantic soft spot for inspirational songs, and for my money no one does it better than Tesla -- I know some people say they go over the top, but I feel like these boys keep it right in the sweet spot between empowering and saccharine. Plus, who can deny the crazy guitar in this song? Not I, that's for sure.

After beginning with a semi-random brief re-enactment of the album's cover art, this video mainly features Tesla performing in a weird, empty room -- vaguely warehouse-y, but made of wood, and of course featuring the requisite random old chairs, signs, industrial fans, etc. All the damn fans in this video keep making it hard to see Tesla! And I don't mean like humans or metalheads or what have you, I mean literally like, they keep putting the camera behind a ceiling fan.

This type of empty room decor is a huge cliche of metal videos of the late 80s and early 90s -- are we meant to think they practice in there? Or that they just love warehouses? Are the old signs meant to evoke something? I have no idea, all I know is that everyone from Anthrax to Warrant is constantly performing in these empty rooms.



It's one of those things like how every chain restaurant -- and many independent ones for that matter, but I'm thinking of like TGI Friday's, Chili's, that kind of thing -- has to cover their walls with random tsotchkes, as if they actually found all these weird old signs, photos, musical instruments, sporting goods, etc. and thought "gosh, that would just improve the ambiance in here." I bet when you open one of those restaurants, their corporate just sends you a big ol' box full of like, random photos of sports teams from the 1920s and faux-old signs for like chicken feed or fresh eggs or something. Is it all the wall tsotch that separates casual dining from fast food?

But anyway, I digress. Back to this particular faux empty warehouse, and the five man electrical band (err okay, it's a video so probably lip-synching) contained therein. One other thing I always love about Tesla is their total lack of pretension. I mean, just look at everyone's hair. Or just look at drummer Troy Luccketta's hair. I feel like we could go to a tractor pull together and just hang out.

Same goes for the clothes. Jeff Keith does like to take his shirt off, to be sure, but he also wears those handprint pants in more than one Tesla video, so we can assume he owns them. I love that he's like "oh we're shooting a video today, so better go put on my cool video pants." I had similar pants circa 1986 -- cream-colored corduroy with handprints in pink, lilac, and teal. My brother had the overalls version with primary red, yellow, and blue hands. Jeff I think just like, took a pair of white jeans, dipped his hands in paint, and you know, went to town, but same idea more or less.

The only time this video really changes is during the bridge (which is fantastic, btw). Suddenly there's an oriental rug, a Tesla banner, a piano, a dining set, an old film projector, and Jeff Keith has put on white cowboy boots and a Canadian tuxedo. (I know, I'm bad, but it cracks me up every time.) Anyway, everyone's changed clothes. This also takes us back to the little boy from the beginning of the video. The two themes finally come together, as we see that the images of the boy are being projected onto the wall near Jeff (or at least, it's made to look that way, pretty obvious the stuff of the boy was added later).



The end goes back to the original set and original clothes, with everyone in Tesla going berserk. Tommy is on at least his third guitargasm, and if you thought Jeff could open his mouth wide before, well, wait till you see this. He's in Carly Simon territory here.

Something else that makes me feel like Tesla is unpretentious is that they tend to show everyone in the band about equally in their video, unlike pretty much any other metal band, where it goes 1) lead singer, 2) guitarist (if there's a solo and/or they're camera-worthy), 3) attractive women, 4) anything else they might possibly want to show in the video, 5) shots of everyone else in the band, if we have time. Oh, and these'll probably not show their faces, or have them completely in shadow, or something like that.

Not so with Tesla. Tommy Skeoch and Frank Hannon are out in front quite a bit, leaning on each other, tossing hair, guitaring it up. Jeff comes in and out, heading to the background any time he's not singing. We see Troy pretty often, mostly from overhead. Bassist Brian Wheat probably gets the least screen time, and we still see him pretty well.

They also have one of my favorite video cliches -- showing each member of the band in sequence -- at the end. It actually -- finally! -- makes the stupid cliche industrial fans useful, as the turning of the blades provides some of the transition from band member to band member. It also mirrors the pinwheel the little boy has, though what any of the parts of that sequence are meant to convey, I don't know. All I know is listening to this song (and others like it) definitely keeps me going.